Original subtitles

- Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

[zany music]

This is my mom. [laughs]

This is my sister. She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

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This is my show!

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[suspenseful music]

- [stifled laughter]

[laughter]

Sorry about that, folks.

I'm just excited because

I'm gonna pull the funniest prank in the world

on our next guest...

a whoopie cushion.

[zany music]

[suspenseful music]

Shh.

- Welcome, Squidward Tentacles!

[scattered applause and booing] - Paperboy!

- Humph.

- [stifled laughter]

Say, Squidward, why don't you take a seat?

[giggles]

- Anything to get this over with.

- [giggles]

[gasps]

[dramatic notes]

[whimpering gasps, sputtering]

[jalopy horn honks]

- So...

- Mama.

- I'm a bit of a Renaissance man.

And- - You sat down wrong!

Do it again!

- How can I sit wrong?

Hey! - Sit right!

[Squidward yelps] Sit right!

[Squidward shouting]

[Patrick bellows]

My perfect prank is ruined!

- Huh?

[both screaming]

[zany downbeat music]

- What's the matter, Patrick?

- My stupid whoopie cushion is deflective!

Do you know the hoops I had to jump through to get that thing?

[upbeat music]

- That'll be 25�.

- Keep the change, my good man.

Oh, a hoop.

- Who made this thing, anyway?

- Comedy K Novelties?

We should do an undercover piece

and show everyone that Comedy K are a bunch of crooks.

[suspenseful music]

- We're here outside the Comedy K Novelty factory

to expose a story of corruption,

receipt, and lies.

- And cut.

Great job, Patrick.

These crooks would never let us in with a camera,

but they'll never suspect a little girl and her dolly.

So are you ready to expose the truth?

- Yeah.

You know, for a corrupt multinational company,

they sure do just let anybody walk right in.

Oof.

- Stop right there.

Where do you think you're going?

- Inside a corrupt company.

Why?

- Youse best not be a journalist

looking to expos� any secrets or nothing.

- Uh, no.

- Definitely not.

- Good. But you've still gotta go through security.

- Oof.

X-ray specs?

[laughs] Do those things even do anything?

[screams]

- Excuse me, Mr. Secuwity Guawd.

Do me and my innocent widdle dowwy

have to go through secuwity, too?

- Oh, of course not, sweetie. Go right on through.

- Whoa. - Wow.

place is novelty nirvana.

- OK, folks, the 2:00 tour is right this way.

Follow me for an in-depth look

at everything going on in this factory.

all: Meep, meep, meep.

- So folks, remember, no cameras, no touching,

and never leave the tour group.

Or else!

[chuckles] All righty.

Let's have some fun.

This is Todd. He's our stress doll tester.

Say hi, Todd.

- Hiya, folks.

- So Todd is just gonna to give this little fella a squeeze.

- [grunts]

- And it's on to the next one.

- [grunts]

- Tell us, Todd.

How do you like working here at Comedy K?

- It's a great job, and I'm treated ethically.

- You heard the man, folks.

Completely normal business practices.

[chuckles]

Golly, have you ever wondered where fake vomit comes from?

Well, meet our friend, the Vomit-Tron 1000.

Simply nauseate the little guy

with a moldy egg sandwich, and...

[robotic retching] - Cleanup on aisle three.

[chuckling] Am I right?

all: Meep, meep, meep, meep, meep.

- [laughs]

Hey, I said no cameras allowed!

Security!

all: Meep, meep, meep, meep.

- OK, folks, let's keep it moving.

- This tour is what they wantus to see,

but where are they hiding the dirt?

- Maybe behind that door!

[suspenseful music]

- Time for some real journalism.

- Cold, hard truth, here we come!

- Patrick, stop!

- OK!

- We can't just go barging into restricted areas.

We need to disguise ourselves.

[suspenseful jazz music]

- The coast is clear.

- There should be something juicy back here.

Hey, look.

It's their entire novelty chewing gum line.

- Talk about juicy.

- [munching] - Wait.

Is that Bubble Bass?

- What's he doing here eating all those burritos?

- [munching]

These bean burritos are terrible.

Nevertheless, I want more.

[buzzer blares]

[munching]

And now to earn my paycheck.

[flatulence]

- OK, boys.

Another batch of pre-inflated whoopie cushions

with lethal death stench are ready to be boxed.

- [sighs] Life's a gas.

- They're putting real farts in whoopie cushions?

That's against the law.

- Good thing I got it all on tape.

Now, come on.

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Dad?

What's he doing here...

in his underwear?

- Looking sharp, I'd say.

- OK, subject number one.

We're gonna test out some electric shock underwear, OK?

- Oh, you may fire when ready.

[buzzer blares]

[electricity cracking]

- [shouts] They work, they work, they work!

[shouting]

[chaotic orchestral music]

Ugh.

- Well, that was successful.

What else we got here?

Oh, let's test out the Pie-O-Matic.

[Herb groaning]

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[Herb yelping and grunting]

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- I've seen enough!

[both shouting]

They're wasting pies!

[Herb groans]

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- What's going on here? They're not part of the test.

Let's get 'em.

- Guess it's time for some Explodo-Gum.

[dramatic music]

[both shouting]

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[munching]

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- Aw, man.

- Ugh.

Hey, this was myjob.

- Not anymore.

We're getting you out of here, Dad.

- Dad? Who do you think you are?

Oh, sorry, kids. I'll go with you.

But first, I've got a major case of Dad breath.

Nothing this minty ice gum won't fix.

- [sighs] Dad-

Gummit.

- You three, freeze.

Oh, you're good.

Now you two, freeze!

both: Run!

- [panting]

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- There's only one way out of this jam...

oil slick gum.

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- Whoa!

- [laughs] Got him.

[both yelp]

- Oh, just in time for the finalpart of our tour.

- Uh-

- We're actually on our way out. [chuckles]

- Oh, no, you're not.

I've got something special to show you.

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Behold, the world's biggest propeller beanie.

[beanie whirring]

Pretty neat, huh?

- It ispretty neat.

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- And now, a closer look.

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[laughs evilly]

- This breeze feels good.

- Run!

[both yelping and panting]

No, the other way!

- When you go sneaking around Comedy K Novelties,

the joke's on you.

[laughs evilly]

- Did somebody say joke?

- What the?

both: Dad!

- Now, what do you say we test out some disappearing ink?

- No!

[quirky upbeat music]

- [laughs]

both: Dad, hurry!

- Oh, right. Sorry.

[buzzer blares]

Oops. Wrong button.

[mechanical whirring stops]

both: Phew.

- Let's get out of here.

[mechanical buzzing]

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- This videotape is gonna blow the lid off this place.

[yelps]

- [laughs] Gotcha!

- Are you kidding me, Patrick?

With no videotape,

we'll never be able to take this company down!

- That's what you think.

[air hissing]

- Now, that's what I call...

Komedy with a K.

[horn honks]

[upbeat jazz music]

- Good evening, Lonnies and Lonnettes.

Get ready for the stand-up comedy stylings

of Patrick Star!

[cheers and applause] - What the?

How'd that get in there?

Uh...

[clam trills]

Hey, folks!

So shouldn't we call Krabby patties "grabby" patties?

Because I just wanna reach out and grab 'em!

[upbeat jazz music stops]

- [cackles wildly]

Oh, it's like he is in my mind.

And I welcome him.

- You know, I live with my parents.

People keep asking me,

"Patrick, when are you gonna move out?"

But I tell them I move out all the time.

I move out of my bedroom

into the living room to watch TV,

and then I move out of there

into the kitchen when I'm hungry.

And then I move out into the bathroom when I-

- Oi! When does the comedy start?

[laughter and murmuring]

- Well, the show started a few minutes ago.

- You could have fooled me! It feels like hours!

[laughter]

- Humph. Mess with my Patrick, will you?

- Is this a comedy routine or a root canal?

'Cause I've had root canals

that were less painful and funnier, too!

I demand a re-

[sputters] - What?

Where'd he go?

[muffled speech]

- Beats me.

- A-ha. [bell rings]

Patrick, I think I know

what kind of comedy this crowd wants.

announcer: "The Patrick Show" presents...

the roast of Patrick Star!

[upbeat jazz music]

- Who, me?

Ow.

- Good evening, everybody!

Let's give it up for the host we love to roast the most,

Patrick-

wait, where is he?

[steam hissing]

[sniffs]

[laughs nervously]

It's not that kind of roast, Patrick.

[laughter]

- [mouth full] It's not?

- It's the kind where

guests come up and make jokes at your expense.

- My expense?

Well, I hope they take an IOU.

- First up, some familiar faces from outer spaces,

Captain Quasar and Pat-Tron.

[cheers and applause]

- Thank you, Bikini Bottom. You're too kind.

Say, Pat-Tron, what's big, gassy,

and gobbles up anything that comes near it?

- Uh, is it Patrick Star?

- [laughing] No.

I'm talking about the planet Jupiter,

but Patrick is our second favorite gas giant.

- Aw.

[giggles]

[belches]

[laughter]

- That's my-

[belches] Boy.

- Hey, boss. Why are we here?

- For Patrick.

- Right, but I thought we were

supposed to be looking for intelligent life.

[laughter]

- They say Patrick has a face only a mother could love.

[chuckling] Well, let's put that to the test.

Here's Bunny Star. [cheers and applause]

[vacuum whirring]

all: Roast, roast, roast!

- Roast?

I wouldn't roast my precious baby boy.

Instead, I'm gonna celebrate him

with some adorable family photos.

This is Patrick potty training.

And this is the potty training Patrick.

[laughter]

- Oh, man.

That kid must have grown up to be a real doofus.

- And here's Patrick figuring out how underwear works.

[giggles]

- [chuckles] I remember that.

- Huh? Who said that?

[yelps]

- 'Scuse me, Patrick.

- [laughs] Ladies and gentlemen,

it's Patrick's underwear! [cheers and applause]

- I promise I'll be briefs, folks.

[chuckles]

[laughter]

You know, they say change is good,

but Patrick here begs to differ.

I've been riding his rump for three weeks straight.

At least turn me inside out.

[laughter]

I know you folks didn't come here for dirty laundry,

but here I am, anyway. [laughter]

Thank you, folks. You've been great.

Now, I'm gonna turn it over to another wrinkled old specimen,

GrandPat Star!

Whoa!

[tires squealing]

- I hope you brought eyeball diapers,

'cause these jokes are gonna make you wet your face!

As you all know, Patrick is my grandson,

or, as I call him, my...

[dolphin squeaking]

[all gasp]

[dolphin squeaking continuing]

- OK, give it up for GrandPat, everybody.

Let's get a more family-friendly roaster

up on the stage, 'K?

Give a big hand

or a big Hans for SpongeBob SquarePants.

[SpongeBob laughs] [cheers and applause]

[thunderous clapping]

- Hey, just 'cause we're best friends

doesn't mean I'm gonna go easy on you, Patrick.

Better buckle up.

[oohs and laughter]

- Oh, don't start yet!

I've almost got it!

[grunts]

Do your worst.

- Do you know why they call him Pa-trick?

all: Why?

- Because he's been known to- [giggles]

Play a trick or two.

[laughs]

That merry prankster.

[cricket chirping]

Darn it, SpongeBob. I knew that one was too mean.

I'd better lighten things up.

[chuckles uncomfortably] Hey, uh, did do you know

also call him Pat-rick

because Patrick's always good for a pat on the back?

Huh?

[cricket chirping]

- Hey, my cricket is not amused.

- Oh, they still think I'm too mean.

Oh, uh- [chuckles uncomfortably]

Did I say Patrick's my best friend?

Patrick is actually my

super-extra-double best friend supreme!

[audience booing]

I'm sorry!

What do you want from me?

The shirt off my back?

[SpongeBob sobs]

[laughter]

- Strong finish.

- Comedy, thy name is SpongeBob.

[chuckles]

- [laughs] He said name!

[laughs]

- At long last,

we've reached the best part of the show, the end.

Good night.

- Wait!

We didn't get to hear from the most important roaster of all.

Me.

You'd know Patrick if you watched his show.

Wait, never mind.

No one watches his show!

[laughter]

- I watch your show.

Aren't I someone?

[sad violin music playing]

- How could a guy with, uh, one, two, three,

four, five points be so dull?

[laughter]

Who said that?

Over here.

Huh?

Yoo-hoo.

Huh?

[Patrick growls]

A-ha! You!

My points aren't dull.

They're sharper than your jokes.

Ow.

Pfft, you call these jokes?

I saw funnier stars in my last concussion!

You not nice guy!

[tense music]

- Patrick.

all: Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

- [gasps] Well, gotta give the people what they want.

announcer: Tonight on Pat-Per-View,

it's the self-fight of the century.

[heavy metal music]

- In this corner, weighing in at 102 grams,

the sea star slugger, Patrick Star!

- [growls]

- And in the other corner,

weighing in at 0.22487151 pounds,

the pig pulverizer and best show host around,

also Patrick Star!

- Never heard of him.

[bell rings]

[both shouting]

Let me at me! Let me at me!

Ooh. - He goes for the left hook!

Oh, right in the back of the noggin!

[Patrick grunts] An uppercut!

[Patrick groans]

Whoa, the double-whammy!

[gasps] What's this?

?

[Patrick screams]

? ?

[audience gasps]

- No!

impending bloodshed.

[pants]

- [snarls]

[whimpers]

Hey, what gives?

- Oi!

[grunts]

He's so dull in the head,

he's using the dull end of the sword!

[laughter]

- Oh, you didn't mean my points were dull?

You meant that our head is dull

because I'm dumb!

[laughs] Oh, I get it.

[laughs]

[sheepish laughter] - I stilldon't get it.

- [laughs]

That was a real good one. [chuckles]

You really get me.

Sorry we fought.

No worries.

I love you, man.

I love you too, Patrick.

all: Aww.

[soft dramatic piano music]

- [smooching]

[all groan]

[jazzy saxophone note]

[Slappy hyperventilating]

- Show's over, Slappy.

Let's give these two their privacy.

[Patrick smooching]

[zany music]

- Ugh, I think I like being buried alive better.

Ugh.

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Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0