Original subtitles

"Best before 1995."

THEY SING CONGA SONG

Everything smells weird in this house!

No, I'm sorry, but we're not stopping.

It's a medical emergency, Rachel! No, no, we're already late.

If you want to go to the shops on the way,

then spend less time in the toilet before we leave.

It's not going to the shops! I need Imodium! Ugh...!

I'm not well! He doesn't smell well, to be fair. Thank you, Mum!

No, you really don't. Hang on, what does that mean?!

Well, you've got that... SHE SNIFFS

..poorly dog smell. THEY LAUGH

It's not funny, Sam. I'm febrile. You're what? I have a fever.

I'm freezing! Hence the hot-bot.

Oh, my God! Please, can we stop on the high street, Rache?

No! Oh...! Oh, I actually want to pick up some food, as well. No!

No, there's no time!

Amy, how far is this church?

Still can't find it. What's it called again, Granny?

St Ivel's. It's the big one near the Esso garage. OK.

Saint Ivel's? What? Saint Ivel makes cream, Mum!

Oh, does he? Well, the company does, yeah.

Surely Saint Ivel isn't a real saint! Ugh...

I'll be staggered if he is. Well, who am I thinking about, then?

Saint Michael, maybe? OK... No, that's Marks & Spencer!

Which Esso garage? Saint Nigel? Oh, my God!

AS if there's a Saint Nigel! Which Esso garage, Sue?

The one with the pumps and the big lorries, sometimes.

Ridiculous.

Ridiculous description, Mum! Oh, OK,

I think I've found a Saint Michael's by an Esso garage. Fantastic.

It's just left up here, Mum.

Oh, can we go via a chemist, Amy?

No! The service starts in 15 minutes!

Oh, it is near. It's really near the high street, actually. Huh?!

No! I'll just nip in! Or do you want me to get diarrhoea during

the christening?! God, you'd have to go in the font! Exactly!

No, I wouldn't go in the font! That's ridiculous!

I'd just do it in my trousers!

Not in the toilets? Or the toilets, yeah, but even so,

it would be very disruptive at the service.

Please!

Doesn't she look slamming? Uh, just extraordinary, actually.

You'd never know she'd just had a baby, would you, Paul?

I know. Huh? Wow. Oh, yeah, no, phwoar.

"Phwoar"?! "Phwoar"?! Hmm? What?

I mean, wow. Wow. I meant to say wow. Yeah.

I wasn't concentrating. You look amazing. Right.

And is this all from yoga? No, yoga's wank. Yeah.

This is all down to Katie, my PT. Who?

Unusual surname. So, Dean's new girlfriend, Katie,

is a personal trainer. Oh, OK. Wow!

Dean's got a...?! Yeah.

Wow! I know. Yeah.

You should totally try her, Rache.

I swear down, she has worked wonders on my pelvic floor,

ain't she, babe? Just a bit! She could strangle a cat down there.

I can.

SUE: Wow. Well done.

CHERRY: Thank you. Meow! Yeah. No, maybe I should, you know,

I mean, I have been feeling a bit stiff recently.

Yeah. Yeah, you're just getting old, love. Rude! You know,

that happens... Oh! Oh, hell!

Oh! What...? What happened?

I've split the neck on my hot-bot, trying to pull the stopper out!

Uh... SAM: Oh, no! Dang! "Dang"?! Yeah, dang!

I shall have to replace it now.

I love this hot-bot! RACHEL: Please, don't call it a hot-bot. No.

Maybe it's a sign. A sign of what?

To get an electric blanket. No, no. No way, Jose. No way. Why?

Because that's what elderly people do, like, complain in restaurants

and like Michael Ball and...

SAM: You love Michael Ball.

RACHEL: Mm... We'll be picking our cemetery plots next!

Well, no, we'll just go in the same one, save a bit of money. No!

I don't want to think about it! You see, this is why I'm stiff.

Because you and your hot-bot force me to...

Oh, God! ..live... I can't get up, actually. I'll help you.

Oh, thank you. ..live like a pensioner.

You OK? I can fix your hot-bot, Paul.

Really, Mum? Yeah. Can you? I've got a roll of duct tape in my bag. Look.

Why have you got duck tape, Sue? DUCT tape!

Well, in case I need to, you know... Kidnap someone?

..splinters, fix a brolly. Just general taping.

And I've got a torch pen.

CHERRY: Is duck tape waterproofing? DUCT tape!

Don't know. SUE: OF course it is.

That's why it's called DUCK tape. CHERRY: Ah!

It's not called duck tape!

It's not... Yeah, it is. It's called DUCT tape.

You have to pronounce both of the Ts.

DUCK tape... Right. ..is a brand name.

As fascinating as this is,

I have got to go and meet Katie.

So we're looking after Atlas again, aren't we? Yeah. I am, yeah.

I want to get as much of him as I can before my big trip.

Oh, well, actually, Paolo, on the Atlas front,

we did want to ask if you'd be interested

in being one of the godfathers at the christening.

Oh! Really?! Yeah. Yeah, well, Rache is godmother.

Oh... Oh, my godfathers! LAUGHTER

I've never been asked to be a godfather before!

Oh, well, this is wondrous news! Wondrous! All right...

I promise I won't let you down, guys. OK.

Or you, guy! Bit weird.

That is a Godfather guarantee.

I should have...I should have to work on my Godfather impression.

HE GRUNTS, DOORBELL RINGS Doorbell! Sh!

Oh, for God... You're going to wake Atlas up! I'll go.

Why ain't you got any keys? Why haven't you got any friends?

OK. Nice to see you, too. Hi, Graham.

It's G, not Graham. OK, cool.

ITALIAN-AMERICAN ACCENT: Don't take the piss out of my pizza,

you dirty rat! Eh?

What are you doing? Huh? Oh, nothing.

Hi, Graham. Hi. G. It's G now. Hello. Hi.

Yes, sorry. He was just doing a Marlon Brando impression from

The Godfather. It doesn't... It doesn't matter.

"Don't take the piss out of my pizza"? That's not in the film.

Well, that's sort of it, isn't it? Mm... You know?

Um... No. Sorry, Graham, is that...?

That's not a guitar in there, is there? Oh! Wow!

Detective Jessop has done it again!

G, yeah. Why? Well, just because the baby's asleep over there.

You can't shred your axe in here, mate. We want to rehearse.

My keyboard's upstairs. OK. Why else would I come over?

RACHEL: To use the Wi-Fi? To get your washing done?

To have a bath? Oh, you find quite a few reasons, Amy. Yeah.

Why can't you just get your keyboard and take it back to your flat?

Because it's heavy. Oh. And Maya's...

Well, we're trying to give each other space while she packs up.

Aw! Yeah. So, anyway, we really need to practise.

Aw, are you that bad, are you? We... Thanks.

We've got Bedford Battle of the Bands next month. Whoa!

BBOTB?! No way! Is that still going? Yeah, and we're playing

the Lamb and Flag next week. Oh, I know! I can't wait!

You're coming? Yeah. I am a good luck charm, G.

I saw the Beatles when they were still tiny.

And look how well they did.

Very, very well.

Did you? I didn't know that.

Yeah, in 1961. I was only 15.

I gave George Harrison a cigarette.

Ah! LAUGHTER

George Harrison actually died of lung cancer, so...

Yeah, but that wasn't Sue's fault, was it?

No. You didn't give him his first cigarette, did you?

LAUGHTER

Or did you?

I don't know.

I mean, he didn't have any of his own, or a lighter,

so I suppose it's possible.

Oh...

Oh, my God. You killed George. Oh, God.

I mean, I'm sure that's not strictly true,

Graham...G, you know, legally speaking... Can't prove it.

No. He must have smoked before that. He must have. Yeah!

That's all anyone did in those days.

Oh, babe, babe! It's on Sunday the 14th. Right.

So we can go to BBOTB after the christening do at the George,

make a night of it. PAUL MIMICS BASSLINE

Not if you do that. What was that?

Would Atlas like that, or...?

He might, actually. Would he? OK.

He really likes white noise.

Yeah. OK, well, that's not actually what we play, but...

We've got BBOTB. I haven't been there for about 15 years.

I cannot wait to go back.

BRANDO VOICE: Just when you think you've left the Mafia for good...

Doing it again! ..they ask you back to the Mafia.

SAM: I mean, that's not even close, Dad.

Well, it's sort of general gist, isn't it? Well...

Hang on, Paul, you have been christened, right?

Because to be a godfather, you have to have been christened.

Uh, I don't know. You had me christened, didn't you, Mum?

Uh, hang on, let me think.

Uh, we definitely had you circumcised. Oh, my God!

Oh, well, I'm aware of that. Thank you!

Thank you for telling Cherry and G that!

GRAHAM: I don't care. No, but christened, I think...

No. Really?! Why?

Because I don't believe in God.

But you do believe in ghosts, though, don't you, Sue?

Well, that's different.

Ghosts and angels I've got no problem with. Mm.

So you believe in angels, but you don't believe in God?

Well, who are they working for, then?!

Well, no-one. They're freelance.

CHERRY: I'm sorry, Paul, but Father Damian is well strict

about this stuff, so...

I mean, can't you just tell Father Damian

that I'm christened anyway?

Well, no, because Sue says you haven't been, so...

Yeah, but she can... You know. What?

Lie. CHERRY GASPS

SUE: No, no, I'm not doing that! CHERRY: No!

Well, why not?! No-one will know!

God will! You don't believe in God!

Exactly! So I'm already in his bad books, aren't I? Ugh...!

I've got a feeling that Dean hasn't been christened either. No.

Ah, well, he's out an'all, then. Oh! Oh, really? Yeah.

GRAHAM: Just get christened now, as an adult. PAUL: What?!

Well... What, you can do that?!

Yeah, I mean, it's a lot of faff when you're old, like,

it's like the chicken pox, you know what I mean? You want to get it when

you're a kid. It just depends on how much you want to be a godfather,

really. Big, a big amount. Big amount? Please.

You see? There's nowhere to park! It's all double yellow! Oh...!

Just bang on your hazards and park where you like, Rachel.

That's what I do. Yes, well, you shouldn't, Sue!

I hate it when people do that!

Oh, not the multistorey, Rachel!

There's no time! Yes, it will work out quicker.

Go, go. PAUL GROANS

You'll have to get out, Mum. OK.

Has anyone got a pen or something? Oh, yes, I have. Oh, great, Sue.

Come on, come on. Go, go, go.

Just get out of the car! No, I don't need to!

It won't work, Mum.

SHE GRUNTS

Ah! Oh, well done, Mum! OK, quickly, quickly, quickly, please, Rache!

Thank you. There you go. How are you going to get the ticket?

OK, I'll just get out of the car.

Right.

Oh! Argh!

Are you all right? Whew! Got it. Let's go!

PAUL GASPS

Just hold it in, Paul. Yes, thank you, Mum! Great advice!

Are you all right, Rachel? No!

I think I must have twisted my knee when reaching for the ticket. Ow!

Oh, gosh. Sorry.

Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Can we have some Imodium... Please! ..and a knee support, please?

As quickly as possible. Thank you.

Uh, is that for the same problem? No. No! No.

The Imodium is for him, and I need the knee support.

I've been over-squatting recently. Well, we both have.

Chill out! Uh, we don't sell knee supports.

Oh, well, any kind of strapping, something to make it less...?

Please, where are your toilets?

Oh, no, toilets are staff only.

Well, this is an emergency!

Yeah. Sorry. Oh, "Sorry," as in

you'd rather me evacuate my bowels in your chemist's?

Oh, don't do that! No, don't do that. Well...

Do you sell adult nappies? No, Mum! No? No!

No, we're not going to do that!

I don't want to. Ignore her.

There's a pub across the road.

Oh, look, I hate going to a pub toilet when I'm not a patron.

Go on, just hold it in. I want these ones, Mum.

Right. Oh... SAM: Sorry.

Wow! Thank you. She can stay like that for hours.

Really? Easy. I could sleep like this.

Amy, can you turn it down up there, please?!

Sometimes I think Katie's left the flat -

she's just squatting behind the sofa.

Oh, my God. That has happened. Yeah. Sorry, our daughter's just

rehearsing upstairs. And that's good for you, is it?

Well, let me put it this way, Rachel.

Yeah? This is great. How old do you think I am?

Oh... Oh... Go on.

Uh, 36? Be honest. 34.

Last year, I got ID'd at the cinema

going to see Godzilla vs Kong 2. Mm. Really? That's a 12, isn't it?

Exactly. Someone thought you were 11? Or under.

The other day I went to get a train ticket, and the guy in the

booth goes... Oh, I love this one.

.."Why aren't you using your young person's railcard?"

And I was like, "Because I'm 40!" Oh, so 40, 40.

I know, it's mad, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. What's this? Look at this. OK. This is a doggy piddle.

OK. Yeah. You do this every single day for 20 minutes,

you'll live past 100. OK, wow. Quite hard to prove that.

Drop a squat for me, Rachel. Oh, my gosh. Yeah.

What, right now? Well, yeah, if I'm going to take you on,

I need to see what I'm dealing with. OK, yeah. Go on, Rach. OK.

Breathe. No problem. Yeah, all right. Hup...!

CRACKING Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God! What was that? Was that me? That was awful.

Sorry, I do click, don't I?

She clicks. She does click.

She needs a bath. A bit stiff, a bit stiff, a bit old. Oh, no,

that's OK, that's OK, that's OK.

Thank you. Now just engage your core for me.

My what? Your core.

Engage. Am I doing it? No. No, I'm not.

I wasn't... That's all right. Here's your Horlicks, then, Paul.

Oh, thanks, Mum. Hey, Dean? Ooh!

I think you're punching above your weight there.

Well, we both are. Yeah, I'm not sure it works like that.

So, how did you two meet?

Oh, so, I was in Costa Coffee,

Katie was sitting at another table.

Yeah? And when she got up to leave, I noticed she'd left her phone.

Right. So you returned it to her?

No, I stole it.

Then later, the phone rings, I answer it,

say I found it, and arranged to meet up with her.

You know, collect the reward. OK. Then we got on really well.

It's romantic, innit?

Almost. Yeah.

So, you got a reward?

Well, I mean, Katie's my reward, really.

But, yeah, �80.

Don't tell her the part where I stole the phone.

Oh, I won't, I won't. OK.

Oh, we're good for getting dunked on Sunday?

Uh, dunked? Yeah. Baptised.

Father Damian's agreed to do it for us.

Dunk the doughnuts. Good to godfather!

Oh, well done, Dean! Ha-ha!

Oh, hi, love. How's it going?

Hi, Granny. Are you looking forward to your big gig?

Oh, yeah. Nervous but excited.

You were terrific at the Lamb and Flag.

Thanks. You said, a few times.

Uh, I actually...

About that. G worries that, um, you know, while we're...

..while we're still quite unknown,

don't have many fans - or any fans, really...

You've got me.

Exactly. That's...

Yeah. He's just wondering if you could maybe...

I'm sorry to ask you, but.

..not come to our gigs, for a bit,

just until you can blend in more with other people.

Is G still angry with me about killing George Harrison?

Oh, no. No, it's not that. It's the... The dancing.

Um...

It's just the whole thing. The optics, you know?

Of course. Thanks. Sorry.

Who killed George Harrison, then?

Uh... Oh, me. Maybe.

Unless he started smoking before 1961. Mm. Interesting.

RACHEL: Oh, my God!

Why? You like the Beatles, do you? Well, I like Thomas the Tank Engine,

and I know Ringo Starr does the voice for that, so...

So, no, then?

RACHEL MOANS Lower! Go low or go home.

I think this is as low as it goes, actually, Katie.

OK. Oh!

Just head straight for the toilets. It's all about confidence.

I'm not confident, am I? This is why I find the modern world

generally horrible!

This is The George This is where the christening do is happening later.

Is it? Yeah. Oh, good!

Oh!

Oh! It's the ladies.

Toilets are for customers only, bro. I know. I know, I know, I know,

so... And it doesn't matter because I am a customer. I'm coming to

the post-christening do here later, so... OK, so you can use the toilet

later, when you are a customer. OK, well, I can just buy something

now if that's... Sure. What can I get you, bro?

Um... Do you have Horlicks?

Don't get a Horlicks! A pint of Guinness, please.

A pint? Why are you getting a pint?

Just get a half. It's too late now, Sam. I've already ordered it.

And, bro, bro, can you please, uh,

refill my hot-bot for me while I'm in the gents?

My hot water bottle. Thank you so much. Oh, my God!

Sure. And I'll have a shot of vodka. Really?

Yeah. Just need something to, um... I'm shitting myself a bit.

Aw! Oh! I've got the Imodium in my bag.

No, no, I mean I'm nervous about the gig later.

Oh, I see. And could I have some ice, please?

Sure. Ice water, or...? Yes, but without the water.

My knees are very sore. I've been working out,

I guess, too much. Stretch them out. Yeah, just stretch them out.

I'll squat. Yeah. SAM: You should be careful, Mum.

Look, don't worry. You'll be amazing.

I can't wait to see it.

You...? Uh... No, I mean Sammy's film of it afterwards.

No, don't worry, I, uh... I won't be there.

BARMAN: Where's the ice lady? I'm here. I was squatting,

which hasn't helped at all!

Can I order some nuggets, please?

Deano! Go on, Dean!

Dunk the hunk. Oh, well done, Dean.

Well done. In that water!

Incredible, son. Look at him go.

I baptise you in the name of the Father... God.

..the Son... Jesus. ..and the Holy Spirit. No idea.

Oh, my God!

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Deano! Well done.

Peace be with you. Yeah. Wet T-shirt competition, anyone?

Oh, it's lovely here, isn't it?

Yeah, it's really nice, Mum.

Just a shame about the sewage company. Yeah.

Sorry... What do you mean?

Over 4,000 hours,

discharging raw faeces last year, apparently.

OK, Paul. You ready? Uh...

Yeah. Sorry, Father.

Where was this, Mum? Wasn't here, was it?

So this is a full-immersion baptism.

The best thing is to hold on to me,

and I'll guide you in and out of the water.

Well, OK. It can mess you up, by the way.

You know, the squatting, like, stuff can suddenly,

like, ping or crunch in your back and your knees.

So, like, if you want to get some straps or sport tape now...

Sport tape? No, I think I'll be OK.

Thank you. You know, I'm naturally quite a flexible person.

Um, and Katie says my technique is excellent, so, um...

You got this, Paolo! Oh, here he goes.

Keep your mouth closed, Paul.

I baptise you in the name of the Father, Son,

and the Holy Spirit. Yay! Woo!

OK, um... That didn't work. Huh?!

Your hands, they didn't go under.

Right. Well, can I just pop it in now?

We have to do it again. What? The whole thing?

Full immersion. Some of it went up my nose!

Oh, my God. I baptise you in the name of the Father,

Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Oh, hang on! Woo!

Paul! Woo! You have to keep your hands down!

Full immersion, Paul. Got to get... Full immersion. ..hands in.

Don't thumbs up. We'll have to do it again. DEAN: I went under.

I baptise you in the name of the Father... Come on!

the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Oh, God!

OK. That's not going to work. Your hands, Paul!

You need to keep your hands in.

All right, just give us a chance, all right? I'll get there!

DEAN: I did make it look easy, to be fair. Let's try again!

Can we tie him up?

SUE: Right. Off we go, then.

Hurry up, Paul.

Yes, I know. I've just downed a pint of Guinness, Mum.

OK? And Rache is still... Come on, Rache!

RACHEL GROANS

It was you that made us stop in the first place!

And it was Sam who ordered food!

Yeah, I can't believe you ordered nuggets, mate.

What?! My nuggets came quicker than your nuggets.

I wish mine were nuggets. It was more like...McFlurry. Oh!

You all right, Rachel, love?

No, Sue, it's my knees. They're throbbing!

Oh... I just need something to sort of hold them.

Oh, I know. Amy, come and help.

That's it. Now, how is that Rachel, love?

Yeah, pretty good, actually, mobility-wise.

Not sure what it does to my outfit exactly, but...

You look a bit like RoboCop. Yeah.

You know, it's starting, like, right now?

Oh, God! Oh! Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. OK.

When's the actual water bit? Well, can you drag it out?

Can you sing another hymn?

No, no, don't do that! Do not do that!

Robin is suggesting that Katie and Jelson step in as godparents!

No! No way! We will be there! No way, Robin! We will be there!

All right? There is a godparent promise.

A God promise!

Just park closer to the machine, Mum! I tried, Amy!

I can do it. Just get out the car, Mum!

I...can...reach. Rachel! SHE STRAINS

CRACKING, SHE MOANS ALL: Oh!

I heard that. Oh, God! Oh, Rachel! I think I've done my back!

Oh, Mum! Oh, I've done my back!

We're really late, by the way.

Yeah. Come on, Rache!

Quick!

Oh, I hope there's a toilet in here! Sh!

Hello...

..everyone.

PAUL GROANS

Sorry. Oh... Right.

Sorry.

Oh, babe, have you been shopping in TK Maxx again?

TK Maxx? No. It's tape.

The service started 20 minutes ago. 20 minutes ago.

Yeah, well, great. I'm very ill.

Hence the hot-bot. Amy, can you sort us out a couple of chairs, please?

Could you please, Amy? Right. Well, you shouldn't come to

church if you're sick. Well, you

shouldn't dunk people in faecal water.

I mean, why do it in a river at all? Dad, chill!

Jesus was baptised in the River Jordan.

OK, well, I'm guessing Anglian Water

didn't illegally dump sewage into that beforehand!

Oh! And that doesn't explain why she's wrapped in...

Is that duck tape?! Yeah.

It's DUCT tape! It is. It is duck tape, yes.

That's what I said. No, it's not.

I got a bit carried away. CHUCKLING

I've been doing too many squats. Not possible.

It is possible, Katie. I can't bend my knees.

Sit down, Mum. Thank you. She looks like the Tin Man.

I said RoboCop. Anyone silver, basically.

Can I continue with the baptism now?

Yeah, sorry, I've just got to nip to the loo quickly. Very quickly.

I've just downed a pint of Guinness!

Legend. Nope. No time.

If you can't stand by the font as a godparent,

I'm afraid you'll have to sit it out.

OK, fine. Forget it. Sorry, Katie. Sorry, Jelson.

I'm ready. Righto. Off you go.

Didn't want to do it anyway. Oh, my God, Mum.

No, it's all right, I just can't... I'll just tip you out.

Just tip it a bit... Will your legs hold? Thank you.

Parents and godparents,

is it your wish for Atlas Bruce to be baptised

in the faith of the church, which you've all professed with you? Yes.

Big time. It is. Atlas Bruce... OK.

..I baptise you in the name of the Father... Come on, Atlas.

..the Son, and the... Whoa, Dad!

Oh, no... Sh! What's he doing?

Stop it! Hmm? What?

SUE: Oh, Paul!

I said we should have got you some nappies!

Oh, gross! Oh, my God! What? What is it? Dad!

"What is it?" Do you seriously not even know you're doing it?

It's your strides, mate. Huh? Your trousers. Oh, my God! Oh!

I'm so sorry. Oh, no!

Oh, it's my hot-bot! Oh! It's my hot-bot.

It's leaking! It's not urine. The duct tape has lost its adhesion,

so it's leaking. I've not wet myself!

Well, you have. No, I haven't. Not in a bad way.

No. It's fine, I'm fine. Carry on, please.

Oh, gosh, no. Hang on. I'm about to...

I'm about to buckle, if someone... Oh! Got you, Rache! OK? Oh, God!

I can't bend, you see. Yeah, I know. It's wet.

Slide her through the urine... Yeah. Slide her through Paul's urine.

It's not urine. It's not urine!

It's not urine! OK... It smells like urine.

Oh, my God! It's not urine!

This isn't a great look at all. I'm so sorry. Carry on.

I baptise you in the name of the Father,

Son, and the Holy Spirit. It's not urine!

Godparents in, then? Just cut out the trousers. I don't want the

trousers in. I'm trying to, babe. I'm trying to.

CHATTER, BABY CRIES Do you just do this all the time?

Everyone say, "Baby!"

Sue? Dean thought you might like to see a photo.

Oh, right. Hang on. It's not a willy one, is it?

Because I wouldn't like to see that. What?!

No, it's George Harrison,

from 1960, smoking. Look.

Oh! Oh, Jelson!

Oh! Thank the Lord! Are you all right? Yeah!

I didn't kill George Harrison! SHE LAUGHS

Oh. Um, do you want any more pitchers of Long Island iced tea?

SCATTERED CHEERS We... Oh, actually, we...

No, no. We can't. Um, sorry, everyone, just a quick announcement.

It is now, ladies and gentlemen, time to drain your drinks

and your bladders and head over to Bogey's.

CHEERING

..for Atlas's very first BBOTB -

Bedford Battle of the Bands -

where our very own Amy Jessop will be performing!

CHEERING

Ugh...! Oh, God.

Battle of the Bands! OK.

OK. Good luck.

Go on, then. Yeah, thanks.

What are you doing, Mum? You not coming in?

No, no, I'll wait out here.

It's a bit loud for me.

What, here? You're not going to be lonely?

Oh, no, no, look, I've got my Lonely Planet book.

OK. All right. See you in a bit.

Go get 'em, Amy!

You ready? Yeah.

Pretty good, yeah? You don't like it?

Give it up for, um, Cold Sick.

Sickos! Yeah, Cold Sick!

Decent, lads, decent!

Next up, we have The G Hypothesis.

CHEERING

Good luck!

What? How come you're here? Well, I'm not dead, Sam!

I'm just not going out with Amy anymore. Oh, yeah. Of course, sorry.

And I put up with a lot of terrible rehearsals,

so I'd like to see the end product. And, you know, I missed you guys,

so... Nice. Sorry.

My God. I mean, look at that. Yeah.

I cannot believe she's still squatting. Mm.

You know, if that's what it takes to stay looking young,

then you can shove it up your core.

Yeah, look, I'm sorry if I make you feel old, Rache.

Older.

With my hot-bot and my Horlicks.

Of course you don't... Is that Horlicks?

Didn't realise you were drinking Horlicks.

Yeah, I needed to settle my tummy. OK.

At least I'm not actually incontinent. Yeah. Yet. Ha.

I will be. Ha!

I'm not scared of getting old. Mm.

As long as I get to do it with you. Hm.

Ah! My back. Are you all right? Yeah. Not really.

We'll have a bath. Yeah. We'll have a bath later. Stop it.

MICROPHONE FEEDS BACK OK, Bedford, let me hear it!

SCATTERED CHEERS

My name's G. This is Amy.

Welcome to The G hypothesis.

One, two... Sorry.

One sec. Um... What are you doing? No, it's...

I just have to... I'll be back. I'll be back.

Unprofessional! Where's she going?

She'll be right back. Sorry about this.

She just doing a...doing a slash or something?

Where are you going?

Amy!

Oh... Oh!

Here she is! Oh, yes, please!

Where have you been? Front and centre.

Oh, for God's sake. Sorry. I just wanted to, um...

This is my granny, everyone. CHEERING

She's the coolest person I know,

and she's met the Beatles and... Beatles! Thomas the Tank!

She has! Killed one of them.

Yeah, I just...I really wanted her to be here for this.

Amy, I love you. Aw!

And you, Graham.

It's G! It's G now.

Oh. Hey, Maya.

Thanks for coming.

Aw! Oh! Aw! Maya! Oh, I didn't know you were going to be here.

Oh, lovely! All right, let's hurry up. Come on.

OK, here we go. One, two, a one, two, three, four!

# Running in the city of empty smiles... #

Yeah!

# A tear upon the face of a robot child

# An emoji in the place of a mother's smile

# Can't you look beyond your screen

# For a little while?

# Oh-oh-oh

# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ah. #

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