Original subtitles

Why are you taking a can opener?

You're supposed to roll stuff.

I'll just climb on top of it. Be careful!

Robin! Robin! Oh, God, God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, Robin!

Someone get him out, please.

Rachel, help me! Well, help you how?

Lower me into the pool! What?

Just get in at the shallow end.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a better idea. Yeah.

And ask your father about the Maltese health care system.

Yeah. Why would that help? Well, just in case we have to pay.

We're still taking him to hospital, you stingy git.

It's just going to voicemail. Do something, Sam!

I am doing something, I'm filming.

No, do something helpful, get Robin some ice.

Or get me some wine. Robin? ROBIN: Ugh...

Oh, good, he's groaning. He's groaning.

Robin, mate, are you OK? I fell in the pool. I know you did, buddy.

Aw, Robin. Aw.

OK, realise this is going to make me sound quite selfish,

but I'm off out. Oh, very helpful. Thank you, Amy.

And medical treatment is free for UK tourists here, by the way.

Thank you. Can someone call an ambulance, please?

Oh, NOW we're calling an ambulance.

Yeah. And, Rachel, I need a hoist. What?

Can you find a rope or some strong string to get him out of here?

What are you talking...? What is your plan?

Just take him to the shallow end, where there are steps. Right.

Wow. OK, well, help me lift him, then.

Well, I can't, I'm phoning for an ambulance. Exactly.

Sam, please, can you put the camera down

and help your dad? Do something.

Really? Get in the pool, Sam!

All right, fine. Now! Ugh, honestly, this holiday.

ROBIN: Look at it. Wow. It's lovely. Yeah.

Can you not put a hanky at the back of your hat, please?

You look like such a tourist. CHUCKLING: It's a bad look!

Yeah, you look rubbish. All right.

My skin is highly flammable.

Flammable? Burnable.

I burn like billyo if I'm not careful.

So, you know, if we see anyone selling a sombrero or something.

Oh, no, please do not wear a sombrero. You're not on a stag.

Or Mexican, crucially.

Ooh, guys! Malta's got two Caravaggios.

Ah, wicked. We ate at the one in Cambridge, didn't we, babe?

Well, that was Carluccio's. What's this one?

Caravaggio. Yeah, he's an artist, not a restaurant.

Oh, yeah. The cathedral has his The Beheading Of Saint John,

if you want to see that! No, I don't want to see that,

why would I want to see that? Sounds like an Isis video.

OK, well, we should definitely check out the hypogeum, guys.

That looks slay.

What? What is that? It's a Neolithic burial chamber.

I mean, what are you talking about, man? A chamber?

Some kids went missing there in the 1940s.

We have very different ideas about how to do holidays, Paul.

Yeah, we are not going to complete the guidebook, OK?

The only old thing we're here to see is my dad.

All right, I just thought we could explore the history a bit.

No, thanks! I just want to veg by the pool and empty my head.

Shouldn't be too difficult. Yeah! Exactly, me too.

Yeah, well deserved. Amy. Take a well-earned break from

the busy schedule of not doing anything!

Well, I hope Dad hasn't planned anything.

Well, of course he won't have, Robin.

I mean, since when did he ever plan anything or think of others?

Oh, my God, where is this road? What's it called?

OK, so, everybody, please look for Triq Ix-Xemxija.

It's "Ish-Shemshiya." Yeah.

Soft X, like how Sean Connery would say it. OK, that hasn't helped.

It should be here.

Ugh.

SAM: Maybe it's down there? Oh, well done, Sam.

Well, we can all say, "maybe it's down there."

Maybe it's down there! All right, Mum, don't take it out on Sam.

Oh, God! Sorry. Sorry, Sam.

ROBIN: We'll try this way, shall we, babe?

Yes, you try that way. OK.

Everything all right? I think it's... Yeah, sorry.

I'm just, uh, stressed about seeing my dad.

Why are YOU stressed? I'm the one he's mean to.

He's not mean, he just winds you up. The last time we saw him, Amy,

he called me a wally. Yeah.

I'm going to talk to him. I've decided.

Well, we're staying with him, of course you're going to.

No, I mean about my childhood, about him being a bad dad.

Oh, right. Yeah. Mmm.

Are you sure? My tutor thinks I'm carrying some baggage.

SAM: Well, yeah!

Some metaphorical baggage, which I need to deal with

before becoming a counsellor. I mean, he wasn't a bad dad, was he?

I mean, you turned out all right. Well, he once forgot to pick up

Robin from a football tournament for five hours. To you, though.

Yeah, and he once sold Robin's bike without telling him

because he needed some money. To you, though, Mum.

And he was also not great to me. Not great in what way?

Well...

..I can't think of any specific examples but... Right.

ROBIN: Rach! Yes?

Ish-Shamshishmish, down here. Bingo! Yeah!

Well done, Robin. I thank you. Great.

It's big, innit? It's huge. Really lovely. I'll, ah...

KNOCKING

How can he afford this? Wowee! I know.

David Wowee.

Isn't it? No?

KNOCKING

Let us in! Ha-ha.

Dad! CHERRY: Where is he?

Dad?

Bang harder.

CURTLY: Open up! THEY LAUGH

It's the police! Oh, my God, get over it.

Is he...? Nothing? Dad?! Where is he?

Well, have we got the right place? He might be round the back.

I hope so, I don't know. Oh.

Blinds are down.

I'll give him a call. Any lights on? Hang on, he's texted.

Oh, yeah? "What time do you get in, I'll be back at three."

What time is it now? 9:30. That's, like, ten hours! All right.

What are we going to do for all that time? There's lots to see.

Typical. This is absolutely bloody typical.

I told him. I told him we arrived this morning, so...

Bwah-ha-ha! Argh! LAUGHTER

Oh, Dad, that is classic! Gotcha!

I'm just teasing. Malteasing.

Welcome to Malta.

Oh, that is brilliant, that is! Yeah, jokes. Great jokes. Is it?

It's just lying. Oh, look at... Look at your face!

Look. You thought I'd forgotten, didn't you, Rachel?

No, I didn't, actually, I didn't. Nice to see you.

Hi, Grandad. Oh, my God, Amy, look at you.

You're an absolute sexpot. She's your granddaughter.

You working are you? Or studying or...? No.

And also no.

Just no. Nothing. Just like me, then?

Yeah. Oh, and there's the lovely Cherry.

Oh-ho-ho! Looking stunning as ever.

Oh, stop it, you dirty old man!

THEY CACKLE

Yeah. And Porky, Porky the Pig, there he is. What?

Yeah, the policeman. Oh!

Very glad I left England if this is the sort of dross

they're taking on the force. Very good, very good.

ROBIN LAUGHS AND OINKS

So, where's that gorgeous mother of yours?

Oh, well, yeah, sorry, Michael, she decided to stay at home

and rewatch all 70 episodes of Poirot.

Oh. That's if she can figure out how to turn the telly on without us!

Fair do's, fair do's. CHERRY: Calm down.

Right, well, where's the boy, then, Robin?

ROBIN: He's sleeping at the moment. That's the way I like 'em!

Now, that's called a baby, Dad.

You might remember Mum mentioning them.

I did my fair share, Rachel, thank you. I looked after you,

looked after both of you. At times.

I don't remember that. No.

Oh! Yeah. Look at him! I know.

My first grandson. Yeah. SAM: Um...

And there's also Sam. Yeah. Oh, well, after Sam, yeah.

You all right, mate? Yeah. Hi, Grandad.

You sort of forget he's there sometimes, don't you? Yeah.

CHERRY: You do, yeah. I mean, I don't, but...

ROBIN: So how come you moved here, Dad?

I thought you liked it in France. Yeah, we did, yeah, but...

Well, France was just a bit too French, you know,

after a while, with the language and everything.

So they spoke French. That was your problem with France, was it?

Yeah, but everyone speaks English here. It's fantastic.

And the tax arrangements are fit as.

Aha. Right, come on through.

Anyone want a Maltese lager? Er, or a coffee, as it's 9:30.

I want to see the pool. Ah, yeah. Now...about that.

Ah. OK. I mean... Mm.

Because you said you had a pool.

I have, I've got an infinity pool. You're looking at it.

With water in, though. Water, I don't have, currently.

It's not really a pool, then, is it? It's just a hole.

An infinity hole. Ha-ha!

Can we not fill it up? No, it leaks. It's a leaker.

OK. Well, this is fine. AMY: Uh, is it?

Yeah, we can still, you know, sit around it.

Well, I wasn't going to swim anyway. Well, there you go, perfect.

Perfect? I don't think three days sat by an empty pool is perfect.

We're not just going to stay here, mate.

You know, there's plenty to do.

BABY FUSSES

Oh, God. That is all I need.

Where's a good place to feed the baby, Michael?

In the mouth, traditionally. MICHAEL AND ROBIN LAUGH

No, anywhere you like, my love.

All right, thanks. In the mouth! I love that.

PAUL: I meant to ask about the attractions, actually, Michael.

Yeah? What are the best Neolithic temples to see, do you think?

Are there temples, are there? Are there temples?!

Yeah, there are temples. They're older than Stonehenge!

No?! You're joking? Yeah, there's at least 19 of them.

Oh, my God, 19? Yeah, the remnants of an ancient civilisation,

some say. Ah? It's...

Oh, you're taking the piss, aren't you? I am, yeah.

LAUGHTER

You can see 'em on your tod, I think, Porky.

Splash on the old Dulux and waddle down there.

Do you want a coffee, Rach? Just ignore him.

Yeah, I will. Yeah, yeah. Here you are. Oh, wow, OK.

Bought that for yourself, did you, Dad? Ah, no, I think Robin

got that for me. Surely not. Could be, yeah, back in the day.

Or maybe it was one of my other kids you two don't know about.

Is that a joke? I mean, I don't know.

So what other stuff is there to do then, Grandad, in Malta?

Oh, well, now, hey-hey.

Hmm, for one thing, yeah. Drinking.

And there's a fantastic ice cream place,

and there's a restaurant that does swordfish.

OK. Because I would like to go for a walk at some point.

Oh, yeah. There are walks, yeah. And bike rides...

With you, I mean. ..diving, and the aquarium ain't too shabby, actually.

OK. AMY: Diving? As in scuba diving?

Yeah. Oh, I've always wanted to do that!

Hell, yes, that would be awesome. To talk...

Well, I'll give 'em a call. You know, dive, dive, dive!

AMY AND ROBIN: Yes! Woohoo!

OK, I'll try later. Parp!

Oh, there's a frog in the pool.

Wow.

You don't need that much, surely? I need to cover everything, Cherry.

Weather like this, I just... I honestly wish I could just wear...

..a burqa. What? Yeah, YOU can't do that. Yeah, I know I can't!

Is my nape covered, Rach?

Can you cream up my nape? It's my Achilles heel.

Just put the peak at the back and then do your face.

Oh, yeah. Good thinking.

You're not diving then, Sam?

SAM: Nah, I'll probably just go to the aquarium.

Same thing, innit? But...drier.

Well, I am going to stroll to the hypogeum/Tarxien temple,

if anyone wants in? Should be fascinating.

No, thanks. Is it just a load of old rocks?

Yeah, well, you could say that about

any Neolithic temple complex, Cherry. You know,

the rocks are arranged into chambers.

ROBIN: Oh, my God, can you stop banging on about chambers, mate?

No-one wants to go into a chamber. PHONE BUZZES

Hang on.

Hello, Mum?

Yes, I can hear you. Can you hear me?

Yeah... Well, which remote control, Mum?

They're all black, Mum.

They all have numbers, Mum.

WOMAN: OK. Amy and Robin? Yo!

Oh, someone's up for it. I am, yeah.

My name's Ruby, I'll be your pilot this afternoon.

Do you want your briefing in English or Maltese?

English, please. I'm just kidding.

I've been here six years, I know literally one word of Maltese.

How are you doing with your kit? It's very tight.

Oh, yeah - and please, please don't wee into the wet suits

when we're in the pool. Or, obviously, at any other time.

Ah. What do you mean, ah? Have you done it already?

Can you tell by looking? No. No, then I haven't, then.

But I did have a question, though. Do we get a harpoon?

No, you don't get a harpoon.

OK, follow-up question - are there sharks?

Not in the pool, no.

What do you mean, pool? Why do you keep...?

We want to dive in the sea. Yeah, sorry, newbies have to

do an intro dive in the pool. Oh. Oh, what, really?

That little pecker? Diving in a pool?

That's like skydiving off a ladder, it's a waste of money.

I mean, that is just so shit. That's rubbish.

No, it's not shit, it's actually very fun.

Oh, come off it, mate. It's as boring as a book!

Can we not dive in the sea? Come on, please.

It's an insurance thing, I can't really...

MICHAEL: They've done it before, diving. Yeah, they're not newbies.

Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They dived, uh,

on our last family holiday in, um, in Nepal. Yep.

Landlocked Nepal? Oh, no, not Nepal, no.

The other one. Um, what was it...?

Um... China...? Yeah, Thailand, that's it?

Thailand. Yeah, they know what they're doing.

OK. Well, if you want to sign a waiver and just, like,

go for it, I'd be happy to do that.

I mean, the pool is extremely boring.

OK, great. Yeah, they'll do that, won't you? Great.

Yes. Nice one, Dad. PAUL: Yeah, sorry, I'm not sure

you should lie about having dived before, guys.

RACHEL: Yeah, but they've got to go in the sea, though,

that's the whole point. MICHAEL: Exactly. Yeah, obviously.

You give the fun police an inch and they make you do

a risk assessment before wiping your arse. Oh-ho-ho!

OK, all right. Well, I'm off to see the temples if anyone wants to join?

No. AMY: Still no. Or cares? No. See you later.

Cool. Bye, Dad.

Um, so, yeah... Um, we'll go for a walk, then, shall we?

Oh, no, I'm having a massage.

A massage? Yeah. You're having a massage? Today?

The one weekend when your family is staying with you,

you're having a massage. My shoulders are in knots.

Yeah, but I want to talk to you, Dad. Go on, then.

But...

Ugh, we'll do it tomorrow. OK.

RUBY: All right, guys, this just says that you know

what you're doing and that I'm not liable for any sort of injury,

death or general disappointment.

Yeah. Um, sorry, just by death - what do you mean by death?

So even though Ruby's earning less here than she was in Chester,

she's got way more spending money.

She reckons we could go out all night for, like, �30.

OK. My question was, did you enjoy the diving, Amy?

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, there were a lot of jellyfish. Oh, right.

Robin got a bit freaked out.

I did, actually, yeah. One of them had these massive testicles.

What? Tentacles. Could be. Yeah.

I mean, it's hard to know what's what with jelly, isn't it?

CHERRY: Should have gone aquarium with me and Sam. Yeah.

How'd you get on then, Paul? Have fun at your chamber, did you?

Well, it was a bit of a hefty hike getting there, yeah.

But, no, the hypogeum was absolutely scintillating, thanks, Cherry.

Oh? Yeah. Scintillating.

Where's, uh...

Where's Michael?

He had to have a massage, apparently.

And now he's out buying plums. Hmm, OK.

Yeah, I think he's just trying to avoid me. Yeah.

I'm not sure it's worth it, babe. What isn't?

Talking to him. Don't think it'll help.

Well, given I've spent the last two years training to be a counsellor,

clearly I think the talking to people does help.

Where's the Calpol, Chez?

I've got an absolute splitter.

You are not downing Calpol again, Robin.

It is for Atlas, not your hangovers.

OK, I'm going to get some fresh air, then.

I've got a bit of a headache too, actually.

Must be from absorbing so much history.

Whoa, Dad, what is that? Eh?

Ah! What are you doing? Ow!

Is it sunburn? What?

Oh, my gosh! Where? When?

AMY LAUGHS, CHERRY CACKLES

SAM: Oh, Dad! It's a perfect semicircle.

I thought it was all hat. It's where the hole is.

Oh, Rachel!

Well, don't blame me! Well, you told me to turn my hat round.

You didn't have to do it! You didn't even cream up the hat hole! Ugh!

Is he all right?

It's not funny, Amy!

OK. I mean, it is.

CHERRY: It is, actually, yeah.

I look like a sunset.

I should have bought a sombrero.

We'll get a sombrero.

ROBIN YELLS SAM: Oh, my God!

What?

Robin's fallen in the pool.

Classic. ALL LAUGH

Well, no, there's no water in it.

Oh! Oh!

CHERRY SCREAMS: Robin! Robin! Robin!

Oh, God, God!

Oh, my God! Robin!

Oh, Robin!

The bends?

You've got the bends? I have got the bends.

And I've got OK Computer. I've even got Pablo Honey. Ha!

What? It's a Radiohead joke. I have got the bends, yeah.

AMY: Well, you haven't lost your sense of humour, I see.

Trust you to get the bends, Robin, that is so typical of you.

I'm sorry, babe.

MICHAEL CHUCKLES

It's serious, Dad.

No, no, no, I'm still laughing at Porky's sunburn.

Oh, OK. Thank you, Michael.

It's actually your fault this has happened, you do realise?

What? I wasn't even there.

You made him skip the safety dive in the pool.

Well, he's a grown-up, I didn't make him do anything.

SAM: And you were into it, Mum. I wasn't "into it," Sam,

it's just... AMY: Er, yeah, you were.

Mr Hanky? Yo! Excuse me, can we talk privately for a moment?

Ooh, hello, Matron! Doctor.

Doctor, I'm so sorry.

PHONE BUZZES Your grandmother.

Hello, Mum. Yes, I can hear you. Can you hear me?

Step into my office, Doctor.

Can you hear me? Can you hear me now?

Have you got Poirot on yet?

AMY GROANS

What is up with you? You ain't got the bends an' all, have you?

No, just hungover. Ah!

Myrsini kept buying me shots.

Myrsini? Who is this person?

One of Ruby's mates.

Oh, aye? Where'd you go?

Met at Badass Burger, then cocktails at Bar Q? Yeah.

And ended up in Sky Club. Ooh! It was wild.

I had no idea there were, like, young people here.

Oh, yeah, there's a fair few people your age here that...

You should move over here. What? What?!

What are you talking about? Move in with me, I've got room.

I've got plenty of room! Don't be nuts. Would that be all right?

No. Yeah, of course. That is complete madness. No.

Sorry, no. No, Amy, what about Bedford? Uh...

And your band? Yeah, the band's not going to work.

Well, no, not with half of it based in Malta, no.

And Carlo reckoned he could get me a job at, um, Embassy Cinema?

There you go. No, not "there you go," Dad,

we don't even know who this Carlo is,

so don't say things like that. Why not?

Because you can't forget to send her a birthday card every year

then suggest she moves in with you. That's what I've done.

And Amy doesn't care about cards, do you? No. There you go.

You're free to go in now. Thank you so much.

CHERRY: Thank you. PAUL: ..just pick an episode and "OK."

OK? Can we discuss this when we're not in a hospital, please?

Figure it out, Mum! All right.

Well, what'd she say? What happens now?

OK, so, apparently I'm going to be moved to the hyperbaric chamber.

What? Isn't that where you went yesterday?

Oh, no, that's the hypogeum. It's a Neolithic burial chamber.

Right, OK. And this one's what?

Hyperbaric. A high-pressure oxygen chamber. Yep.

Right. So, you're spending your holiday in a chamber now an' all?

Looks like it, yep. Don't worry, babe,

you don't have to come with me, it'll be well boring.

Well, of course I'm coming.

I'm not leaving you here while you're riddled with the bends, am I?

I've got you. Aw. PHONE BUZZES

Hello, Mama.

You've got... You've got it on. Great. She's got it on, everyone!

OK, yeah.

Uh, Japanese?

Well, which remote did that?

So what are you going to do with Atlas if you're both at the chamber?

Oh, God.

Yeah, I forgot about that.

Well, I can take the lad. You?

Are you serious?

Yeah, why not? I'm good with children. Are you?

What children are you thinking of?

And it would be nice to spend some time with my grandson.

Your second grandson. There's also... Sam's also your grandson.

Yeah, I know, never said he wasn't.

We'll go for a walk, shall we, Atlas? Take you round Valetta?

Yeah, I've been asking to go for a walk with you

since I got here, so... So come with us.

For God's sake, Rachel, chill out, just for once in your life, eh?

Is it dubbed?

Is it DUBBED?

Surely David Suchet isn't actually speaking Japanese?

SAM: What's that fort over there, Grandad?

Don't know, don't care.

Ask your dad when he gets back from his temple or wherever he is.

Tunnels. He's gone down some old Crusader tunnels.

Oh, wow. He knows how to have a good time, don't he, eh?

At least he won't get burned.

Oh, I'm sure he'll find a way, the wally.

Please don't call my husband a wally, Dad.

Well, he called himself a wally

when he burnt that semicircle into his face.

AMY LAUGHS

Do you know where the cathedral is, Grandad? With the Caravaggios?

I know there's a good ice cream place around here somewhere,

that I do know.

But I'm not into that, I'm afraid, ancient history.

Yeah, so, Dad, there's some things I want to talk about,

about my... Mine and Robin's childhood.

Speaking of ancient history.

No, I'm serious, Dad.

Given that I'm training to be a counsellor, you know,

this is something I want to talk about.

Yeah, and I want to get an ice cream,

so how about we do my idea, eh?

Yeah, I'd much prefer to get an ice cream as well, actually.

Why are you so resistant to this?

Well, it's a generational thing. People my age, you know,

we're just not into it. What? Talking?

About the past, yeah.

Do you know what happened to my dad during the war?

No. Exactly. Neither do I.

He never talked about it, he never wanted to.

Well, you see, that is... It's just not healthy.

Well, what would you know, eh?

He lived till he was 78 and he was a bloody good father.

As was I, by the way, as was I.

Are you telling me or are you telling yourself?

Oh, fashionable, middle-class crap is what it is.

Talking, talking, talking. Just get over yourself, yeah?

Ugh.

Oh, hey, Amy!

Oh, thank God. Hey, that was good timing.

Hey, Amy's family. Hello again, Ruby.

SAM: All right?

So, are you guys still having a nice holibobs? Sort of.

Mum's trying to work through some generic childhood trauma

and Robin's now got the bends.

OK. Glad you signed that waiver, then.

SHE CHUCKLES

Do you fancy joining?

A few of us are going to Badass Burger for lunch. Yes, please.

Anywhere but here is ideal.

SAM: Didn't you go there last night? I'll see you later, yeah?

Oh, well, OK.

Uh, don't stay out all night, Amy.

And she's not moving here.

Ruby?

Cool!

Oh, Ruby, where's the cathedral with the Caravaggios?

Thanks.

I might, um...

Oh, OK.

Bit much.

No recording, please.

Thank you. OK, OK, I'm turning it off.

MICHAEL: Oh, come off it. I mean, what? Disengaged?

What the hell does that mean? Of course I wasn't disengaged.

You didn't even notice when Robin was getting bullied at school.

He didn't tell me. I'm not a mind-reader, Rachel.

It just felt like you weren't paying attention to us.

Oh, you can bloody talk. Slagging me off.

You haven't even noticed how miserable your daughter is.

I... What? No.

Well, she's single again, she's unemployed,

she's scared shitless and you don't even see it.

I do, and she's fine. Nah.

So... Hi.

Hi, Sam.

How was it? Yeah. You know, churchy.

Are you guys still talking? Trying to, but...

Right.

Uh, where's Atlas?

Where's Atlas?

Dad? Um, I thought you had him. You were pushing the pram.

Yeah, well, he'll be here, course he will be.

OK. Did you leave it somewhere? Um, well, I don't know. Oh, God!

Oh, God! It might be back there. Back where?! WHERE?!

Oh, God! Oh, God! No, it'll be fine, don't panic, Rachel.

Don't... Oh.

Ah, scuzzi, ah, scu... Scuzzetti...

Oh, excuse me.

Excuse me. Out of my way! Scuzzi.

Oh, come on, come on, come on!

Put the ice cream in the bin, Dad! Yeah.

Keep up, please! God, we've lost a baby. We've lost a baby!

No, we haven't, we can't have done. This way, come on.

Sam, call your dad. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, is this it? Is this it?

That's clearly their baby!

Oh, right. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I knew you'd do something like this.

Well, you were here, too, Rachel! You were here the whole bloody time.

Should we call the police? I mean, yes, at some point,

but we just need to find the baby! Yes, we do, of course we do!

Rach! Rach, it's me! Oh, God! Are you OK?

No, no! Paul's here.

I'm coming!

Nearly there.

Sam told me. Have you seen him? Have you found him? No, no...

OK, OK.

We need to retrace our steps, OK? Where have you been?

We went... We went to get coffee.

And then we went for an ice cream.

No, no, no. I didn't have the pram at the ice cream.

Well, where did you go for coffee? Uh, it was a van.

Um, it was... It had a sign on. Letters, capital letters.

A sign with capital letters on it. Yeah, that really narrows it down!

Well, you try thinking of something! Yeah?! I am, I'm trying!

It was sunny and it was near the sea.

It's a small island, Rachel, everything's near the sea!

And there was a door! A doorway behind, made of stone.

It looked...old.

And an eye. What, an eye?

Yeah, there was an eye above the door.

A stone one, I think.

I mean, now I say that, that doesn't sound... An eye, what kind of eye?

A sort of human eye. A big one.

Have you ever seen an eye like that round here?

No, course I haven't! Hang on, hang on!

What? You all right?

Porta del Soccorso.

What?

The Knights of Malta built an eye above the Porta del Soccorso

as a sign of vigilance and protection.

RACHEL BLABBERS Fort St Elmo. This way! Oh!

I actually wanted to go there anyway. OK!

Quickly!

Come on, Dad. I am!

Down here, Rach!

Oh, God, are you sure?

Where?

There it is, there it is, the eye!

And the pram!

And the pram, the pram.

Oh, God! I will never complain about your interest in historical

tourist attractions again.

Ow, my burn, Rachel! Oh, God, sorry!

He's not here.

What?

Joke, I'm joking.

Ugh, really funny.

He's fast asleep.

He won't even have noticed.

Look. Aww! Oh.

Oh, God.

Well done, Paul. That was, uh, that was...

That was really good. Oh, thank you, Michael.

Yeah. Police are lucky to have you.

As is, you know, my, uh...

My daughter. Well done, son.

So, what is this place, Dad?

What IS it?

It's only the main theatre of combat

for the Great Siege of Malta in 1565!

Picture the scene, guys -

180 ships,

40,000 Ottoman soldiers,

the greatest army in the world.

OK. I know I wasn't the greatest father, Rachel.

I know that.

And I guess it's fair to say that I'm still not, after that.

And I can't change anything now.

But, for what it's worth, I'm sorry.

OK.

We're very similar, you and I.

You're my girl.

And, um, if there's anything you want, then, um...

..I'll do it.

I just want us to communicate better, Dad, as a family.

You know, be more honest.

OK, deal. Yeah. OK.

We're not going to tell Robin and Cherry about

losing the baby, though, are we? God, no. Oh, good.

..from whence they came.

Uh, Sam? Sorry, were you not even listening to me?

Uh, no. Oh, no. Sorry.

Say it again?

Do it again. Picture the scene...

Stop picking at it. It's itchy!

AMY: ..we went to Bar Q again, and then Sky Club again,

where Myrsini bought us all mai tais. Again. Again, yeah.

I mean, it was honestly like Groundhog Day, but not funny.

I think that's just life on a small island. Mm.

And I know things haven't been very good at home recently

but, you know, I'm here, if you're ever upset

or worried about anything.

I'm here.

And I love you.

Gross. OK.

But, you know, thanks. Mm.

I'm actually - and I can't believe I'm saying this -

quite looking forward to getting back to Bedford.

MICHAEL: Hey-hey! He's back. The bends is on the mend!

Are you feeling better, Robin? Yeah, yeah.

You know, I'm just sad it's all over, to be honest.

The oxygen gave me this mad headrush.

It was like Burning Man but, you know, in a chamber.

Cool. Wow. And how's everything here?

Were you, like, all all right with Atlas?

Um...

Yeah, absolutely. He's great, more than all right.

Told you it would be.

Um, also, Dad, Cherry got you a little something when I was...

Oh, yeah, I did, yeah. ..in my old chamber. Oh-ho!

What's that? Aw, oh!

That's nice, innit? Oh, I love that! I love that.

Oh, look at that, Sean. Sam.

"Best grandad ever."

So, what is the plan today, Grandad Michael, before the flight?

Well, well, well, uh...

Well, you'd better ask Paul, he's the expert.

Oh, that's nice. OK. Huh? SAM: Go on, then, Dad. Go on, then, Paulo!

Oh, OK.

Uh, wow. OK. Um, well,

there's still 18 Neolithic temples I've not visited,

so we could, um...

Yeah? Or we could just go out and eat a swordfish?!

ALL: Yes!

MUSIC: Viva Malta by Freddie Portelli

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0