All language subtitles for Here We Go s03e05 Grannys Uno Hustle.eng

Of course I can't make you
a cortado.

Well done, Robin.

That's on the cusp of going off.

Come on, Mum, Ethel's going to be
here any minute.

So, Mum, the code is one cry,

"Waarg!" - yeah, is green.

Two cries, "Waargh, waargh!" -
is red.

Three cries, "Waargh, waargh,
waargh...!"

We know what the cries sound like,
you don't need to keep doing them.

..is yellow. And four cries...
Oh, my God.

"Waargh, waargh, waargh, waargh...!"

All right. I've got tinnitus. ..is
blue. OK? So the code is one, green,

two, red, three, yellow, four, blue.
You got that?

We've all got that.

Just, I'm very bad
at learning codes is all.

That's why I had to change me PIN
to 1111.

Yeah, stop telling people that, Mum.
Good to know.

As a rule, do not say any anecdotes
that involve you revealing your PIN!

All right, keep your wig on!

And if you're still not sure,
or you can't hear anything,

just say, "Is the baby all right?"
and I'll do it again.

Is the baby all right?
And I'll do it again.

No, I mean, where is the baby?
No, yeah,

he's upstairs in his hush-a-bye
snoozy baby sleep pod.

What, sleeping? Well, I hope so,

yeah, that is what it's for.
Yeah, OK, and, Mum,

Mum, it's really important
that you keep a poker face.

Well, UNO face. Exactly.
What's an UNO face?

Just don't move your face
at all when you're playing,

Sue, so just... Like this. What,
like that? Like that. That's fine.

That's good. CHERRY: I've actually
got a Botox cream in my bag

that'll do that for you. Well,
I think it's probably worth a go.

Mm. It does burn a bit, though,
so...

I mean, it really burns. Even so...
No, it really burns.

Do not use it on your scrotum, Sue,
trust me.

Well, no, I won't. Well, I can't.
Yeah. Yeah, fair point.

Why did he put it
on his scrotum, Robin?

Well, because it claimed to be
anti-wrinkle, didn't it, babe?

So I thought I'd give it
a proper challenge.

And it failed. Right.
Badly. So did I, in a way.

My God!
Well, she won't need any creams.

Just relax, Sue, you know,
try to enjoy it,

it might be fun.
Fun? Of course it won't!

I mean, I'd feel like I'm
on the James Bond show!

On the...? They're films, Mum,
they're films, famously.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, gosh. There she is.

OK, here we go. Down it, down it,
down it! Go easy on the sherry, Mum!

They're tiny glasses, mate, grow up.

SAM: It's all right, it's not Ethel,

it's just Amy and her trophy. OK.

Is everything all right?

This is his dummy here, Sue.
Just stick that in his gob

if he gets, like, hungry or annoying
or whatever.

Yeah. This is his sensory baby
activity sheet.

It's just tinfoil, isn't it?
What? It better not be.

That cost me 25 quid. Is it?

This is his monkey here, look.

FRENCH ACCENT: Hey, Madame Coconut.

She has a French accent
and loves cheese when I do her.

If you want to do that, or...no?

I'll just sing to him,
cos that's what I did last time.

Well, you can go outside if you do
that, Mum, I can't be listening

to you singing Wind the Bobbin Up
for five hours again.

I love that tune. This is his baby
monitor here, look. Muslins.

Keep an eye on him.

You will be back from the gym
by three, won't you?

Because I'm going to Mecca later.
Oh, not again.

Really? Well, I go with Bren
every Tuesday afternoon!

CHERRY: To Mecca?
Yeah. Wow! That's...

No, she's talking about
Mecca Bingo in Bedford.

Oh. Yeah, I'm sorry, the bingo.
SHE LAUGHS

Not the religious hot spot.

That's a lot closer, yeah.

She doesn't do a weekly haj, as far
as I know.

She may as well.

She could have gone to Mecca

several times with the money
she's lost playing bingo.

Oh, don't be so daft!
Gambling is very serious,

Mum, isn't it, Rach? Rachel? Yes?
As a counsellor,

can you please say something? Yeah.
Just empty it.

Don't just squash it down.
But here's loads of space.

This is why we get bin juice,

because you squeeze rubbish
like a cider press!

There's more space than you think!

Just empty it! Why won't you just
empty it? You'll wake Atlas!

I'll pop him in the garden for you,

Cheryl. Oh, sorry,
just before you do,

Sue, I've got a little gift for Sam,
under the buggy.

Oh, cool. Cheers, Robin. What is it?

It's a Premier League
sticker album plus two free packets.

I thought you might want
to start collecting, so...

Oh. Oh, my God,
you are unbelievable.

DOORBELL RINGS

What do you mean? RACHEL: Doorbell,
someone? You're just trying to get

him into the stickers so that you,
Dean and Jelson have someone else

to swap with. What?

That's...no.
It's just a bit of fun.

No? I'll go. It's an addiction,

Robin, you are a stick-aholic.

Well, no, cos that would mean
he's addicted to sticks.

Amy, hi. Is that for washing?

No, it's my towel and clean undies,

I'm for washing.
Why can't you do that at home?

Well, because Maya's always accusing

me of staying in and sitting
in the bath all day, so...

OK, so you've gone out to sit
in the bath all day?

Well, I'm proving her wrong, yes.

Things feeling a bit rocky
between you two, are they?

We fell out about what to name our
hamster. Hi, everyone.

Hi, Amy. Oh! Go on,
what names have you got?

Well, she wants to call it
Mrs Biscuit.

RACHEL LAUGHS

I want to call it Sylvia Plath.

Oh. Two very different ideas there.
Well, anyway, we can't decide,

so currently it's called
The Hamster.

Like Richard Hammond! Oh, yeah.

In fact, that's a great name for
a hamster. It's Richard Hammond.

You two need to try
couples therapy, trust me.

We worked through tons
of stuff on ours, didn't we, babe?

Yeah, I mean, I didn't actually
speak during it, but...

What did you do?
I just made notes, you know.

You've had couples therapy?
Yeah. Why didn't you...?

I could have
given you couples therapy.

I would have done it for free. Well,
you get what you pay for, don't you?

And ours was with my therapist mate,

Amber, so I felt very safe.
God, I didn't.

She tore me several new ones.

I need real-life case studies
as well,

so it's a shame. Well, just talk

to Mum about her bingo addiction,
then,

like I've been asking you.
Yes. No, I will, I will. OK.

Actually, Amy, it's not a bad idea,
you know, couples therapy.

You and Maya do argue quite a lot.
Yeah.

It's improved Robin loads.

Dream man. No.
Apart from the sticker bit,

he hasn't managed to shake that.

Well, no, they're sticky, so...

Sticky.
SHE LAUGHS

We might need to go back to Amber,
actually. Well, no, no,

come on, babe,
we don't need to go back to Amber.

I'll give up the stickers,
I promise, I will.

Don't make me go back to Amber,
please.

Come in this way, please, Mum.
What's all this?

You'll see. Oh, hi, Amy, love!
Hi, Granny.

Hello, hello.
Rachel wants to speak to you.

RACHEL: Do I? Yeah, she does.
What, now? Yes, now.

Oh, God. Oh, OK. OK. Erm, well...

We're really worried about you,
Mum...

Well, we're not really
worried... ..about your gambling.

Don't! So we're staging
an intervention. No, that's not

what we're doing, we're not.

Please do not intervene
on my intervention, Rachel.

This is not how
an intervention is done.

I'm so sorry, Sue.

Am I not going to bingo later on?
Of course you are, do what you like.

Because I'll need to tell Bren
if not.

I'm saying no to bingo.

You can't forbid her
from doing something she wants.

No, all it is, Sue, is that we're
worried that going to Mecca Bingo

so often isn't that healthy.

I don't eat there!

No, no, not like that. More...
You're spaffing my inheritance, Mum.

No. Well, she is. It's nothing to
do...

It's gambling. The high
from gambling is highly addictive.

And what we're worried about...

I'm up!
I've made more than I've lost.

CHERRY: Have you? Really?
How much have you made, then?

Erm, about �140.
Oh, that's fine, then!

No, it's not fine, it's not fine.
That's not the point.

RACHEL: Well, it is slightly the
point! Keep going, I reckon, Sue.

CHERRY: You're making money. Things
can go very wrong in gambling,

very fast. RACHEL: Well, yeah, but
they haven't gone wrong... Rachel.

Well, I know, but...well, OK.
But she's doing...

It's a slippery slope. Yeah.
It's a super-slippery slope. Mm-hm.

These bingo halls, they do

everything they can to reel you
in and clean you out.

And if you're saving up for
a round-the-world trip,

Mum, it's a bad idea.
CHERRY: A really bad idea.

Right, yes, well... Relax. ..there
is a lady at Mecca called Ethel...

Cool.

..and she's always inviting me over
to play, erm,

what do you call it? UNO. OK.

AMY: Oh, my God, UNO!
That's what I was going to...

Well, yeah, great! Stick to UNO!
Where's my UNO trophy?

Erm, they're with your dad's
archery ones, I think. Why?

Maya doesn't believe I was
the under-sevens champion.

Champion? Champion of what?
Oh, a county or something.

Oh, look, here we go.
ROBIN: County champion?

"Amy, UNO champ.
The best girl in Bedford." Cool!

At least! Wow! Did you win
a tournament, then, or something?

I guess. Can't remember.
It's going in the flat, though,

in front of
Maya's trampolining ones.

RACHEL: Well, don't...
See how she likes that...apple.

Yeah, Amy... No, no, no, no, no. No.
What? What is it?

DOOR SLAMS

CHERRY: Oh, my God. Did you leave
the front door open?

Because it does that if
the back door's open, too.

You didn't close it either!
Well, no, I know that.

ATLAS CRIES

Oh, God! Now look at what
you've done, you dipstick!

I'm coming, Atlas!

# Wind the bobbin up,
wind the bobbin up... #

Oh, Mum, no, I can't cope with that.

# Pull, pull... #

Sam, can you shut the door, please?

RACHEL: I just got it out my head.

# Wind the bobbin up,
wind the bobbin up... #

Oh, my God!

# Pull, pull, clap, clap, clap... #

HE SIGHS

# Wind the bobbin up... #

I can still hear her!

Oh, no, Amy! Oh, dear!

What's going on?
Me and Maya broke up.

SHE SNIFFS

"Maya and I." But, yeah,
oh, dear, oh, dear.

What's happened this time, babe?
Yeah, well,

Mum gave us couples therapy
is what happened.

RACHEL: Oh, hang on, that's not
why you...

She told Maya we're not compatible.

Well, no, I ask questions. I
certainly didn't tell her anything.

And took her side on everything.

Don't blame your mother. Slagging me
off, comparing me to Dad.

Well, they're two different things,
aren't they?

You're a menace.

You shouldn't be let
anywhere near counselling.

SUE: Oh, it'll blow over.

Maya said I'm feckless. Wow, that's
bang out of order, that is, innit?

Yeah. Is it?
What does that mean?

Well, it's a smushing together
of effing and useless, isn't it?

It's not. Is it not? No.
I'll tell you what,

I'll Google it, hang on. SAM: Who's
going to keep the hamster?

Who's going to keep the flat,
more to the point.

I can't think about that right now.

"Feckless - lacking purpose
and strength of character.

"Incompetent." Yeah,
I do know this one.

I've been called this before,
actually.

Right, you see? You are not
feckless, Amy!

No. I mean, you started a band,
for one thing. RACHEL: Yeah! Amen.

SUE: I mean, that takes a lot
of feck.

RACHEL: And you're certainly
not incompetent.

Is this even real?

Did I actually win best girl
in Bedford?

I mean, even as I asked that,
I realised I definitely didn't.

PAUL: You... You didn't...

..you didn't get anything at
school prize-giving, so...

You gave me a fake trophy?
SAM: Oh, my God, that's tragic!

Well, we thought it might
cheer you up, you know?

Well, that didn't work,
did it, though?

No. Look at me.
It worked pretty well at the time,

to be fair. Oh, no, Amy, please...

HE SIGHS

I'll call Maya,
I'll try and talk to her.

I think you've done enough,
don't you?

Oh, hello.
Ethel Ticehurst, here to play UNO.

Yeah. Oh, hello, Ethel. Oh, come in.

SHE LAUGHS

This is my family. Hello.

Ethel Ticehurst.
Yeah, you said that.

Oh, can I take your coat, Ethel?
No, thank you.

Why is he filming me?
Oh, yeah, he will do that.

We can ask him to stop.
SAM: And I'll say no, so...

Well, it doesn't matter.

The Government
are watching me anyway.

PAUL: Huh?
Oh, are they? Why?

They want to know everything
I'm up to, don't they?

What are you up to? Nothing.

I'm not sure why they'd be
doing that, then.

For control. Right.
Hence the "plandemic".

SAM: Ah, she's one of them.
So where are we playing, then,

Sue? Oh! Oh, yes. Yes,
this way. Go through. This way.

Yeah, there might be

a baby crying now and then
on a monitor over there.

Erm, yeah, he's just
in the other room,

and he is a very bad sleeper.
HE LAUGHS

SAM: OK, Dad.

Would you like a sherry, Ethel?
I brought me own, thanks.

Right.

I don't drink from open bottles,
in case they've been spiked

with drugs, or poison, or both.

You brought your own glass as well!

And I don't like leaving my DNA,

in case people try to clone me.

Yeah, well, we won't be doing that.
Dad, she can't sit there,

that's the wrong chair...

Yeah, sorry, Ethel,
yeah, you can't...

This is your chair.
Why? Erm, well,

that's my mum's special one -
isn't it, Mum?

They're exactly the same!

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right, sorry.

I love that chair, Ethel. Loves it.

Specifically that one!

THEY CHUCKLE

It's the way it is, innit?
Yeah. Chairs.

Relax, Dad. And, erm...

OK. That's set. Good.

Good game, ladies. Dad... I bid you
good game. Stop talking, Dad.

Where are the Jammy Dodgers, Mum?

Huh? Oh, I think you ate them.
Well, yeah,

but did you buy any more? Oh, no,
I must have forgotten, sorry.

Is she coming?
It's 1.30. Yeah, I know.

Welcome to my world. She'll be late.
She's coming from work.

Oh. Oh, is that for us?
Can I have Fanta instead?

That's not the way therapy works,
you don't get to choose the drink.

Did you get Fanta, Granny?
Oh, no, sorry, love.

Oh! Is everything all right, Mum?
Yeah, I just...

KNOCK ON DOOR

Here's Robin and the Merry Men.

I mean, why are all three
of them here?

SAM: Oh, God. Hi, guys. Oi, oi.
Didn't want to ring

the bell in case
the boy wonder was napping.

How's he doing, Sue,
all right? Yeah, well,

he downed his bottle, did a poo,
and fell asleep.

DEAN: Like father, like son, innit?
LAUGHS: Hey! He's pure class.

Sh, the baby. That's fine.

RACHEL: Hi, Robin, and the rest
of you.

Not being rude, but why are you
all here? Yes. All right, Rachel?

Like the old sexy secretary thing.
What? Thank you.

Old-school.

We're not here to hang about,
we're just here to, erm...

Come on, then, Sam. What? What do
you mean? Let the cat see the flap.

Get your swapsies out, boy. Oh,
no, sorry, I haven't been collecting

the stickers. JELSON: What?
I thought you gave him an album.

I did, no, I did!

Yeah, that doesn't mean I'm going
to spend a fortune filling it in.

I mean... Oh, go on. I've skived
off the garden centre for this!

I didn't ask you to do that.

I'm going to get in trouble with
Mr Peters!

I can't keep buying packets
until I complete the album, lad,

it'll clean me out! Yeah.
I've already sold my car.

AMY: Oh, my God, have you?
RACHEL: What?

I have, yeah. SAM: I mean,

none of this is my fault.
ROBIN: Well... PAUL: I mean, well,

maybe just don't complete the album.
Oh, shut up, Paul!

Not an option, not an option.

Have any of your mates at school
got them?

I think they've all grown out
of that now. RACHEL: Yeah, quite.

Why haven't you three grown
out of it?

Oh, that's the thing.
You grow out of it,

and then eventually
you grow back into it.

And what about Cherry?
You told her you were stopping.

I will stop once I've completed
the album.

Don't tell her that is the plan.

Please don't tell her. OK.

SAM: I think I've seen some of
the junior school kids collecting.

OK, perfect. Perfect? I'm not sure
three blokes loitering outside

a junior school approaching
little kids is perfect.

Oh, come off it, love.
Not all men are nonces.

No, but all nonces are men.

Mm. Hmm. Just trying to get my brain
round that.

Oh, it's deep, it's proper deep.
DOORBELL RINGS

RACHEL: Ah, that's Maya. OK,

so we're going to be in the lounge,
so please do not disturb us.

OK. Paolo, can you shut
the back door in case the

front one slams again? Yeah, yeah.
OK. This way.

DOOR SHUTS

Here we go. JELSON: So are we doing
swaps, or what?

Well, there's no point, is there?

Hi. All right?

Oh, hi, Rachel. Sorry I'm late,
I got stuck at the office.

Yeah, Maya works extremely hard,
in case you didn't pick up on it.

That's not what I was saying.
I've got time to kill.

Ah, stop bickering. Oh, it's her,
this is what she does!

I know. You know? You're meant
to be impartial. Yeah.

Let's start again. Erm...

OK. SAM: Good luck.

Right, let's get this

sleeping beauty out of here.

I'll bag up Atlas's shit.

Yeah, I've done that, Robin,
he's got a new nappy on.

No, sorry, Sue, I mean his,
you know, baby gubbins.

Do you fancy collecting
the stickers, Sue?

Oh, that's very kind of you,
Dean. SAM: I'm not sure it is.

But, no, money's a bit tight
at the moment for that.

What? What do you mean, Mum?
Where's his monitor, Sue?

Oh, well, the screen's
on the table,

but he napped in the lounge,
so the camera's in there.

Ah, gotcha, OK. Mum, what's...

SAM: Ooh, Mum's counselling

Amy and Maya in the lounge.
Yeah, well, don't listen in,

Sam, it's meant to be private!

SAM: I AM listening. So am I.
Definitely. Guys, we can't do it!

Hang about, I'll turn it up.

AMY: She's not even made the bed.

Bed. Oi, oi! MAYA: Yeah, because I'm
against making beds on principle.

RACHEL: Oh, OK, yeah. That's handy.
We're only going to

get back in there again,
there's no point.

Then, what about emptying the bins?

Oh, there's no point in doing that
if you just squish it back down.

There's so much more
space than you think.

You see, that's exactly like Paul.

PAUL: Oh, don't bring me into it.
That's how you get bin juice.

I know! I keep telling him
to empty it,

but he just doesn't do it. I will.
I said I would, and I will.

SAM: She can't hear you, Dad! Unless
you press the talk button here.

Don't do that! I won't! They'll know
that we're listening! All right!

MAYA: I can't deal with your apathy.

Apathy. Mum... Yeah.

I can't deal with your judgment
all the time.

Yeah, well,
when people have different values,

it can put pressure on
a relationship.

Values?

Particularly if money's tight,
which it will be.

You think we have different
values? Well, it might explain

why you keep breaking up.

But we don't want you to explain it,
Mum, we want you to fix it.

Yeah, I know, but you can't
necessarily fix something

if there's just, you know,
basic lack of compatibility.

Oh, my God, what are you doing?
Do you want a biscuit?

I'm going to turn it down,
this has got...

Well, hang on. This isn't fun
any more. It's not fun any more,

it's getting aggie.
All right, all right, chill out.

Mum...

..what were you saying earlier
about money being tight?

Has something happened?

Oh, well, promise you won't be angry
with me?

Well, it depends what it is.
I won't be.

Mm.

I lost �1,500. Oh!
"Lost"? How?

Oh, Mum. Did you go back to Mecca?
I told you,

it's a super-slippery slope!

No, this is playing UNO with Ethel.

What?
You lost �1,500 playing UNO?

Well, how did this even happen?

Ethel kept topping up me sherry
and doubling each hand.

JELSON: Classic.

She took �900 off Lyn West,
apparently.

I only found out afterwards.
You got rolled, Sue,

it does happen. Oh, Mum,
what were you thinking?

SAM: You're the one
who told her to play UNO.

Yeah, I didn't know there's
a gambling version of UNO, Sam!

Oh, yeah!

It's big in India.

Well, I'll never know now.

I can't afford me big trip after
this. SOBS: I'm such an idiot!

No, no, Mum. No.

We'll get it back.
How do we get it back?

Only one way to do that. How?
Double or quits, innit?

It is. Rematch. Yeah, exactly.

The only way to guarantee
you don't lose when you gamble,

you keep gambling.
Well, that's appalling advice!

Is it?

And this Ethel woman is clearly
an UNO, you know,

grandmaster. Mum will just get
cleaned out again!

SAM: Well, not necessarily. Hmm?

What do you mean? OK, so what's...?

Ooh, Ethel hasn't got any reds.
Sue should play a red.

Sue should play a red.
Press the talk button now.

HE IMITATES BABY CRYING

You'd have been a great baby. I was.
Were you?

Right, let me just...
I'll look next door.

Oh! UNO.

Look, you just got lucky,
that's all. It won't last!

And that's 3-0. Ach!

And it goes up to �400 a hand.
My deal. Oh!

DOORBELL RINGS

SAM: Oh, I'll get it.
No, you won't. OK, cool.

Erm, let's talk.
Oh, hi, Maya. In here.

Yeah, good idea,
good idea. Not you, Mum.

Oh, my God!

SAM LAUGHS: What's happened?
She's snapped her UNO trophy.

Maybe help Robin
with his sticker habit instead, Mum?

Sam, I can't keep driving you in
like this.

All right. Stop filming.
Put the camera down!

I am, I am. Hang on.
Is that Robin?

Children, back in class, please!

Oh, my God! Oh, no, no.

Come on, back in class.
We're just doing some swapsies.

You guys, you should know better,
hanging round outside a school.

He's still got my Phil Foden.

Get away! Aiden! Aiden!
Where do you live?

We'll be back at three o'clock.
I know what you look like.

Wait, what's your address?
Come on, come on.

We can hit up St Helens.
It's only down there.

OK, let's go. Get in the car.

See, they'll be on break
in about 45 minutes.

Come on, let's run. OK.

HE CHUCKLES

BABY MONITOR: Waargh!

Let's try...

Ah!

BABY MONITOR: Waargh!

On Satan's smelly old bum hole!

BABY MONITOR: Waargh! Now, then.

BABY MONITOR: Wait!

Oh, is the baby all right?
Is the baby all right?

Anyone? ROBIN: Just picked up
a green.

PAUL: Put the talk back off.

What was that? Oh, they must be
in there

just trying to soothe him.

BABY MONITOR: Waargh, waarrgh,
waargh, waargh! Blue.

OK, so...UNO.

And game.

Something's off here, I can feel it
in me waters.

Oh, that'll be the humbugs, Ethel,
they always give me the squits.

We can stop if you like. No.

I'm having a mint fag.

SAM: Wow, that's a big box.

I only trust fags imported
from Turkey.

Right. Bill Gates puts nanobots
and asbestos in our ones.

I mean, he doesn't, but, whatever.

HE MIMICS BOXER

Anyone who doubts you ever
has to go.

Yah, yah, yah, yah!

ROBIN CHUCKLES

So you're beating her, then?

Oh, we are beating her
like an...egg.

Yeah. Yeah,
we're beating her into stiff,

glossy peaks, the...can I say,
"Bitch?" No, absolutely not.

I wasn't going to.

SHE SIGHS

How's Amy? Oh, God,
the usual, you know, hates me,

thinks I'm
a terrible counsellor/mum.

Maybe she's right,
maybe I should pack it in.

What, being her mother?

No, being a counsellor.

Ah! Yeah, yeah, I see.

Well, maybe it's not for me. No.

What do you think?

I mean, maybe you should speak
to a counsellor.

Thank you. SAM: Well done, Dad.
Ah. ROBIN: Oh, here she is!

Hey, Mum. Oh, yeah! Huh? Well done.
Sit down, babe.

How are you feeling? GASPS: I'm
absolutely shattered after that.

Oh, well, come here, champ.
I got you.

SHE SIGHS

I'm actually happy to stop now,

because I've nearly made
the money back that I need

for me round-the-world trip. Wow!
Don't you mean "across-the-world"?

You can't go around it, it's flat.

Well, it's not, but, OK.
And we're not stopping, thank you.

Whoa. Double or quits. All in.

Wow, that is a serious wad of cash.

That is one cheeky chunk.

I carry all my money at all times
in cash,

just to be safe. Safe?
That's not safe.

You want to put it in a safe
if you want it to be safe, or,

you know, a bank.
I don't use banks, thank you.

They're all owned by paedophiles.

Oh, no! Are they? Well, no, Sue,
I mean, why would they be?

Banks, politics, Hollywood,
Happy Eater, all run by paedos,

they're everywhere.
SAM: Happy Eater?

There were some at
my nephew's school last week.

What, were there?
Three of the sickos were caught

bothering the little 'uns.

Claimed they were trying
to swap football stickers,

but they were definitely paedos,
apparently, from the look of them.

Oh...my...God. I know.
Come on, Sue, one last round.

Three grand, winner takes all.
You get her, Mum!

All right. You got this,
you got this!

SAM: Go on, Granny.
SHE SIGHS

I've so nearly completed the album.
It's just...

It's actually gross, it's gross.

You and your weird little friends
are gross.

I've got 37 stickers to go,
I can't stop now.

I can't stop now, babe.
I've had a child with you.

Do you know how embarrassing.
that is? It's embarrassing.

I can't. Babe,
can we just talk about it at home?

You are not going home tonight,
you are sleeping here with Atlas.

And tomorrow I am calling Amber.

Oh, no, please don't make me go back
to Amber! Chez...!

We need couples therapy, Robin,

and you're paying for it. Shit.

CRYING FROM BABY MONITOR

Oh, my life!

It's times like this
that make me wonder

if collecting football stickers
is even worth it at all.

I mean, of course it isn't, Robin.
SAM: Hang on,

back door's still open. Yeah, and?

So that means that the front door's
going to...

DOOR SLAMS
..do that. Ah!

Oh, what was that? Oh. Oh! Oh, no,
that's...

What happened? Argh! Argh! Atlas!

The front door slammed again.
Is the baby all right, Paul?

Is the baby all right?
He's awake, Sue. The baby's awake.

Yeah, we're sorry, Mum.

We didn't think
he'd actually wake up.

What are you talking about?
He's been crying all bloody night!

Oh, yeah. Well, can you get him back
to sleep, Robin?

Not normally, no. I'll try.

Well, do we stop, or what?
No, we're not stopping!

So what do I...? You're just going
to have to win, Mum. Oh.

Like you've won every hand so far.

You can do it.
SHE SIGHS

Yes. And pick up two!
SHE LAUGHS

Put that in your arse and smoke it!
SAM: What?

Oh, Maya, are you off?
Erm, yeah, I, erm... AMY: Yep.

Bye, Rachel.

But thank you for everything.

Oh. Yes, no worries.

Bye. Bye, Maya. Bye.

Everything OK?

Uh-huh, all good. Oh, phew!
SHE LAUGHS

What a relief.
I thought I'd ruined everything.

We broke up. OK.

But we had to.

You were right.

You said what we needed to hear.

You're actually quite a good
counsellor, it turns out.

ATLAS CRIES IN DISTANCE

LAUGHS: That's wiped the grin
off your chops, hasn't it?

How's it going, Sam?
This is the last hand.

They're playing for �3,000.
Come on, Mum!

RACHEL: Oh, good one.

Come on, Sue.

Miss a go,

and... SAM: Oh, no.

Yes! Eat that! Gobble that up!

No-one beats
Ethel Veronica Ticehurst, no-one!

Oh, Mum. I'll be having this.

Hang on.

What? You didn't say "UNO".

I did. She's right, you didn't.
That's a two-card penalty.

I did. Of course I did.
SAM: You didn't, actually.

And I was filming it all,
if you want to check. Ho-ho!

Pick up two, Ethel.
Them's the rules.

SHE CHUCKLES

Your go, then, Granny. Come on, Mum.

UNO.

UNO.

Game!
THEY CHEER

SAM: Yes, Granny!

You cheated! I don't know how,
but you cheated me,

all of you! You're all in on it.

Yeah, all right,
another conspiracy theory.

You're paranoid, mate!

Amy, Amy, you saved my bacon!

Yeah, never underestimate
the under-sevens champion.

Still the best girl in Bedford.
I still know the rules, yeah.

Actually, let's get our trophy.
Where's our trophy?

Oh, I put it in the bin.
Why did you put it in the bin?

Get that camera out of my face,
I feel like Princess Diana here.

Found it! She's still alive, you
know, that was fake.

SAM: Cool. Bye.
ATLAS CRIES

Oh, the baby's still crying.
I should probably...

No. Ta-da!

There you are! Yeah. Ha-ha-ha!

THEY CHEER

Yeah, yeah, now you're pleased
I didn't empty the bin.

You're welcome! Don't kiss it,
it's covered in salmon. Eurgh.

# Wind the bobbin up,
wind the bobbin up

# Pull, pull, clap, clap, clap

# Wind it back again,
wind it back again

# Pull, pull, clap, clap, clap

# Point to the ceiling,
point to the floor

# Point to the window,
point to the door

# Clap your hands together,
one, two, three

# Put your hands upon your knee... #

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