Original subtitles

Of course I can't make you a cortado.

Well done, Robin.

That's on the cusp of going off.

Come on, Mum, Ethel's going to be here any minute.

So, Mum, the code is one cry,

"Waarg!" - yeah, is green.

Two cries, "Waargh, waargh!" - is red.

Three cries, "Waargh, waargh, waargh...!"

We know what the cries sound like, you don't need to keep doing them.

..is yellow. And four cries... Oh, my God.

"Waargh, waargh, waargh, waargh...!"

All right. I've got tinnitus. ..is blue. OK? So the code is one, green,

two, red, three, yellow, four, blue. You got that?

We've all got that.

Just, I'm very bad at learning codes is all.

That's why I had to change me PIN to 1111.

Yeah, stop telling people that, Mum. Good to know.

As a rule, do not say any anecdotes that involve you revealing your PIN!

All right, keep your wig on!

And if you're still not sure, or you can't hear anything,

just say, "Is the baby all right?" and I'll do it again.

Is the baby all right? And I'll do it again.

No, I mean, where is the baby? No, yeah,

he's upstairs in his hush-a-bye snoozy baby sleep pod.

What, sleeping? Well, I hope so,

yeah, that is what it's for. Yeah, OK, and, Mum,

Mum, it's really important that you keep a poker face.

Well, UNO face. Exactly. What's an UNO face?

Just don't move your face at all when you're playing,

Sue, so just... Like this. What, like that? Like that. That's fine.

That's good. CHERRY: I've actually got a Botox cream in my bag

that'll do that for you. Well, I think it's probably worth a go.

Mm. It does burn a bit, though, so...

I mean, it really burns. Even so... No, it really burns.

Do not use it on your scrotum, Sue, trust me.

Well, no, I won't. Well, I can't. Yeah. Yeah, fair point.

Why did he put it on his scrotum, Robin?

Well, because it claimed to be anti-wrinkle, didn't it, babe?

So I thought I'd give it a proper challenge.

And it failed. Right. Badly. So did I, in a way.

My God! Well, she won't need any creams.

Just relax, Sue, you know, try to enjoy it,

it might be fun. Fun? Of course it won't!

I mean, I'd feel like I'm on the James Bond show!

On the...? They're films, Mum, they're films, famously.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, gosh. There she is.

OK, here we go. Down it, down it, down it! Go easy on the sherry, Mum!

They're tiny glasses, mate, grow up.

SAM: It's all right, it's not Ethel,

it's just Amy and her trophy. OK.

Is everything all right?

This is his dummy here, Sue. Just stick that in his gob

if he gets, like, hungry or annoying or whatever.

Yeah. This is his sensory baby activity sheet.

It's just tinfoil, isn't it? What? It better not be.

That cost me 25 quid. Is it?

This is his monkey here, look.

FRENCH ACCENT: Hey, Madame Coconut.

She has a French accent and loves cheese when I do her.

If you want to do that, or...no?

I'll just sing to him, cos that's what I did last time.

Well, you can go outside if you do that, Mum, I can't be listening

to you singing Wind the Bobbin Up for five hours again.

I love that tune. This is his baby monitor here, look. Muslins.

Keep an eye on him.

You will be back from the gym by three, won't you?

Because I'm going to Mecca later. Oh, not again.

Really? Well, I go with Bren every Tuesday afternoon!

CHERRY: To Mecca? Yeah. Wow! That's...

No, she's talking about Mecca Bingo in Bedford.

Oh. Yeah, I'm sorry, the bingo. SHE LAUGHS

Not the religious hot spot.

That's a lot closer, yeah.

She doesn't do a weekly haj, as far as I know.

She may as well.

She could have gone to Mecca

several times with the money she's lost playing bingo.

Oh, don't be so daft! Gambling is very serious,

Mum, isn't it, Rach? Rachel? Yes? As a counsellor,

can you please say something? Yeah. Just empty it.

Don't just squash it down. But here's loads of space.

This is why we get bin juice,

because you squeeze rubbish like a cider press!

There's more space than you think!

Just empty it! Why won't you just empty it? You'll wake Atlas!

I'll pop him in the garden for you,

Cheryl. Oh, sorry, just before you do,

Sue, I've got a little gift for Sam, under the buggy.

Oh, cool. Cheers, Robin. What is it?

It's a Premier League sticker album plus two free packets.

I thought you might want to start collecting, so...

Oh. Oh, my God, you are unbelievable.

DOORBELL RINGS

What do you mean? RACHEL: Doorbell, someone? You're just trying to get

him into the stickers so that you, Dean and Jelson have someone else

to swap with. What?

That's...no. It's just a bit of fun.

No? I'll go. It's an addiction,

Robin, you are a stick-aholic.

Well, no, cos that would mean he's addicted to sticks.

Amy, hi. Is that for washing?

No, it's my towel and clean undies,

I'm for washing. Why can't you do that at home?

Well, because Maya's always accusing

me of staying in and sitting in the bath all day, so...

OK, so you've gone out to sit in the bath all day?

Well, I'm proving her wrong, yes.

Things feeling a bit rocky between you two, are they?

We fell out about what to name our hamster. Hi, everyone.

Hi, Amy. Oh! Go on, what names have you got?

Well, she wants to call it Mrs Biscuit.

RACHEL LAUGHS

I want to call it Sylvia Plath.

Oh. Two very different ideas there. Well, anyway, we can't decide,

so currently it's called The Hamster.

Like Richard Hammond! Oh, yeah.

In fact, that's a great name for a hamster. It's Richard Hammond.

You two need to try couples therapy, trust me.

We worked through tons of stuff on ours, didn't we, babe?

Yeah, I mean, I didn't actually speak during it, but...

What did you do? I just made notes, you know.

You've had couples therapy? Yeah. Why didn't you...?

I could have given you couples therapy.

I would have done it for free. Well, you get what you pay for, don't you?

And ours was with my therapist mate,

Amber, so I felt very safe. God, I didn't.

She tore me several new ones.

I need real-life case studies as well,

so it's a shame. Well, just talk

to Mum about her bingo addiction, then,

like I've been asking you. Yes. No, I will, I will. OK.

Actually, Amy, it's not a bad idea, you know, couples therapy.

You and Maya do argue quite a lot. Yeah.

It's improved Robin loads.

Dream man. No. Apart from the sticker bit,

he hasn't managed to shake that.

Well, no, they're sticky, so...

Sticky. SHE LAUGHS

We might need to go back to Amber, actually. Well, no, no,

come on, babe, we don't need to go back to Amber.

I'll give up the stickers, I promise, I will.

Don't make me go back to Amber, please.

Come in this way, please, Mum. What's all this?

You'll see. Oh, hi, Amy, love! Hi, Granny.

Hello, hello. Rachel wants to speak to you.

RACHEL: Do I? Yeah, she does. What, now? Yes, now.

Oh, God. Oh, OK. OK. Erm, well...

We're really worried about you, Mum...

Well, we're not really worried... ..about your gambling.

Don't! So we're staging an intervention. No, that's not

what we're doing, we're not.

Please do not intervene on my intervention, Rachel.

This is not how an intervention is done.

I'm so sorry, Sue.

Am I not going to bingo later on? Of course you are, do what you like.

Because I'll need to tell Bren if not.

I'm saying no to bingo.

You can't forbid her from doing something she wants.

No, all it is, Sue, is that we're worried that going to Mecca Bingo

so often isn't that healthy.

I don't eat there!

No, no, not like that. More... You're spaffing my inheritance, Mum.

No. Well, she is. It's nothing to do...

It's gambling. The high from gambling is highly addictive.

And what we're worried about...

I'm up! I've made more than I've lost.

CHERRY: Have you? Really? How much have you made, then?

Erm, about �140. Oh, that's fine, then!

No, it's not fine, it's not fine. That's not the point.

RACHEL: Well, it is slightly the point! Keep going, I reckon, Sue.

CHERRY: You're making money. Things can go very wrong in gambling,

very fast. RACHEL: Well, yeah, but they haven't gone wrong... Rachel.

Well, I know, but...well, OK. But she's doing...

It's a slippery slope. Yeah. It's a super-slippery slope. Mm-hm.

These bingo halls, they do

everything they can to reel you in and clean you out.

And if you're saving up for a round-the-world trip,

Mum, it's a bad idea. CHERRY: A really bad idea.

Right, yes, well... Relax. ..there is a lady at Mecca called Ethel...

Cool.

..and she's always inviting me over to play, erm,

what do you call it? UNO. OK.

AMY: Oh, my God, UNO! That's what I was going to...

Well, yeah, great! Stick to UNO! Where's my UNO trophy?

Erm, they're with your dad's archery ones, I think. Why?

Maya doesn't believe I was the under-sevens champion.

Champion? Champion of what? Oh, a county or something.

Oh, look, here we go. ROBIN: County champion?

"Amy, UNO champ. The best girl in Bedford." Cool!

At least! Wow! Did you win a tournament, then, or something?

I guess. Can't remember. It's going in the flat, though,

in front of Maya's trampolining ones.

RACHEL: Well, don't... See how she likes that...apple.

Yeah, Amy... No, no, no, no, no. No. What? What is it?

DOOR SLAMS

CHERRY: Oh, my God. Did you leave the front door open?

Because it does that if the back door's open, too.

You didn't close it either! Well, no, I know that.

ATLAS CRIES

Oh, God! Now look at what you've done, you dipstick!

I'm coming, Atlas!

# Wind the bobbin up, wind the bobbin up... #

Oh, Mum, no, I can't cope with that.

# Pull, pull... #

Sam, can you shut the door, please?

RACHEL: I just got it out my head.

# Wind the bobbin up, wind the bobbin up... #

Oh, my God!

# Pull, pull, clap, clap, clap... #

HE SIGHS

# Wind the bobbin up... #

I can still hear her!

Oh, no, Amy! Oh, dear!

What's going on? Me and Maya broke up.

SHE SNIFFS

"Maya and I." But, yeah, oh, dear, oh, dear.

What's happened this time, babe? Yeah, well,

Mum gave us couples therapy is what happened.

RACHEL: Oh, hang on, that's not why you...

She told Maya we're not compatible.

Well, no, I ask questions. I certainly didn't tell her anything.

And took her side on everything.

Don't blame your mother. Slagging me off, comparing me to Dad.

Well, they're two different things, aren't they?

You're a menace.

You shouldn't be let anywhere near counselling.

SUE: Oh, it'll blow over.

Maya said I'm feckless. Wow, that's bang out of order, that is, innit?

Yeah. Is it? What does that mean?

Well, it's a smushing together of effing and useless, isn't it?

It's not. Is it not? No. I'll tell you what,

I'll Google it, hang on. SAM: Who's going to keep the hamster?

Who's going to keep the flat, more to the point.

I can't think about that right now.

"Feckless - lacking purpose and strength of character.

"Incompetent." Yeah, I do know this one.

I've been called this before, actually.

Right, you see? You are not feckless, Amy!

No. I mean, you started a band, for one thing. RACHEL: Yeah! Amen.

SUE: I mean, that takes a lot of feck.

RACHEL: And you're certainly not incompetent.

Is this even real?

Did I actually win best girl in Bedford?

I mean, even as I asked that, I realised I definitely didn't.

PAUL: You... You didn't...

..you didn't get anything at school prize-giving, so...

You gave me a fake trophy? SAM: Oh, my God, that's tragic!

Well, we thought it might cheer you up, you know?

Well, that didn't work, did it, though?

No. Look at me. It worked pretty well at the time,

to be fair. Oh, no, Amy, please...

HE SIGHS

I'll call Maya, I'll try and talk to her.

I think you've done enough, don't you?

Oh, hello. Ethel Ticehurst, here to play UNO.

Yeah. Oh, hello, Ethel. Oh, come in.

SHE LAUGHS

This is my family. Hello.

Ethel Ticehurst. Yeah, you said that.

Oh, can I take your coat, Ethel? No, thank you.

Why is he filming me? Oh, yeah, he will do that.

We can ask him to stop. SAM: And I'll say no, so...

Well, it doesn't matter.

The Government are watching me anyway.

PAUL: Huh? Oh, are they? Why?

They want to know everything I'm up to, don't they?

What are you up to? Nothing.

I'm not sure why they'd be doing that, then.

For control. Right. Hence the "plandemic".

SAM: Ah, she's one of them. So where are we playing, then,

Sue? Oh! Oh, yes. Yes, this way. Go through. This way.

Yeah, there might be

a baby crying now and then on a monitor over there.

Erm, yeah, he's just in the other room,

and he is a very bad sleeper. HE LAUGHS

SAM: OK, Dad.

Would you like a sherry, Ethel? I brought me own, thanks.

Right.

I don't drink from open bottles, in case they've been spiked

with drugs, or poison, or both.

You brought your own glass as well!

And I don't like leaving my DNA,

in case people try to clone me.

Yeah, well, we won't be doing that. Dad, she can't sit there,

that's the wrong chair...

Yeah, sorry, Ethel, yeah, you can't...

This is your chair. Why? Erm, well,

that's my mum's special one - isn't it, Mum?

They're exactly the same!

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right, sorry.

I love that chair, Ethel. Loves it.

Specifically that one!

THEY CHUCKLE

It's the way it is, innit? Yeah. Chairs.

Relax, Dad. And, erm...

OK. That's set. Good.

Good game, ladies. Dad... I bid you good game. Stop talking, Dad.

Where are the Jammy Dodgers, Mum?

Huh? Oh, I think you ate them. Well, yeah,

but did you buy any more? Oh, no, I must have forgotten, sorry.

Is she coming? It's 1.30. Yeah, I know.

Welcome to my world. She'll be late. She's coming from work.

Oh. Oh, is that for us? Can I have Fanta instead?

That's not the way therapy works, you don't get to choose the drink.

Did you get Fanta, Granny? Oh, no, sorry, love.

Oh! Is everything all right, Mum? Yeah, I just...

KNOCK ON DOOR

Here's Robin and the Merry Men.

I mean, why are all three of them here?

SAM: Oh, God. Hi, guys. Oi, oi. Didn't want to ring

the bell in case the boy wonder was napping.

How's he doing, Sue, all right? Yeah, well,

he downed his bottle, did a poo, and fell asleep.

DEAN: Like father, like son, innit? LAUGHS: Hey! He's pure class.

Sh, the baby. That's fine.

RACHEL: Hi, Robin, and the rest of you.

Not being rude, but why are you all here? Yes. All right, Rachel?

Like the old sexy secretary thing. What? Thank you.

Old-school.

We're not here to hang about, we're just here to, erm...

Come on, then, Sam. What? What do you mean? Let the cat see the flap.

Get your swapsies out, boy. Oh, no, sorry, I haven't been collecting

the stickers. JELSON: What? I thought you gave him an album.

I did, no, I did!

Yeah, that doesn't mean I'm going to spend a fortune filling it in.

I mean... Oh, go on. I've skived off the garden centre for this!

I didn't ask you to do that.

I'm going to get in trouble with Mr Peters!

I can't keep buying packets until I complete the album, lad,

it'll clean me out! Yeah. I've already sold my car.

AMY: Oh, my God, have you? RACHEL: What?

I have, yeah. SAM: I mean,

none of this is my fault. ROBIN: Well... PAUL: I mean, well,

maybe just don't complete the album. Oh, shut up, Paul!

Not an option, not an option.

Have any of your mates at school got them?

I think they've all grown out of that now. RACHEL: Yeah, quite.

Why haven't you three grown out of it?

Oh, that's the thing. You grow out of it,

and then eventually you grow back into it.

And what about Cherry? You told her you were stopping.

I will stop once I've completed the album.

Don't tell her that is the plan.

Please don't tell her. OK.

SAM: I think I've seen some of the junior school kids collecting.

OK, perfect. Perfect? I'm not sure three blokes loitering outside

a junior school approaching little kids is perfect.

Oh, come off it, love. Not all men are nonces.

No, but all nonces are men.

Mm. Hmm. Just trying to get my brain round that.

Oh, it's deep, it's proper deep. DOORBELL RINGS

RACHEL: Ah, that's Maya. OK,

so we're going to be in the lounge, so please do not disturb us.

OK. Paolo, can you shut the back door in case the

front one slams again? Yeah, yeah. OK. This way.

DOOR SHUTS

Here we go. JELSON: So are we doing swaps, or what?

Well, there's no point, is there?

Hi. All right?

Oh, hi, Rachel. Sorry I'm late, I got stuck at the office.

Yeah, Maya works extremely hard, in case you didn't pick up on it.

That's not what I was saying. I've got time to kill.

Ah, stop bickering. Oh, it's her, this is what she does!

I know. You know? You're meant to be impartial. Yeah.

Let's start again. Erm...

OK. SAM: Good luck.

Right, let's get this

sleeping beauty out of here.

I'll bag up Atlas's shit.

Yeah, I've done that, Robin, he's got a new nappy on.

No, sorry, Sue, I mean his, you know, baby gubbins.

Do you fancy collecting the stickers, Sue?

Oh, that's very kind of you, Dean. SAM: I'm not sure it is.

But, no, money's a bit tight at the moment for that.

What? What do you mean, Mum? Where's his monitor, Sue?

Oh, well, the screen's on the table,

but he napped in the lounge, so the camera's in there.

Ah, gotcha, OK. Mum, what's...

SAM: Ooh, Mum's counselling

Amy and Maya in the lounge. Yeah, well, don't listen in,

Sam, it's meant to be private!

SAM: I AM listening. So am I. Definitely. Guys, we can't do it!

Hang about, I'll turn it up.

AMY: She's not even made the bed.

Bed. Oi, oi! MAYA: Yeah, because I'm against making beds on principle.

RACHEL: Oh, OK, yeah. That's handy. We're only going to

get back in there again, there's no point.

Then, what about emptying the bins?

Oh, there's no point in doing that if you just squish it back down.

There's so much more space than you think.

You see, that's exactly like Paul.

PAUL: Oh, don't bring me into it. That's how you get bin juice.

I know! I keep telling him to empty it,

but he just doesn't do it. I will. I said I would, and I will.

SAM: She can't hear you, Dad! Unless you press the talk button here.

Don't do that! I won't! They'll know that we're listening! All right!

MAYA: I can't deal with your apathy.

Apathy. Mum... Yeah.

I can't deal with your judgment all the time.

Yeah, well, when people have different values,

it can put pressure on a relationship.

Values?

Particularly if money's tight, which it will be.

You think we have different values? Well, it might explain

why you keep breaking up.

But we don't want you to explain it, Mum, we want you to fix it.

Yeah, I know, but you can't necessarily fix something

if there's just, you know, basic lack of compatibility.

Oh, my God, what are you doing? Do you want a biscuit?

I'm going to turn it down, this has got...

Well, hang on. This isn't fun any more. It's not fun any more,

it's getting aggie. All right, all right, chill out.

Mum...

..what were you saying earlier about money being tight?

Has something happened?

Oh, well, promise you won't be angry with me?

Well, it depends what it is. I won't be.

Mm.

I lost �1,500. Oh! "Lost"? How?

Oh, Mum. Did you go back to Mecca? I told you,

it's a super-slippery slope!

No, this is playing UNO with Ethel.

What? You lost �1,500 playing UNO?

Well, how did this even happen?

Ethel kept topping up me sherry and doubling each hand.

JELSON: Classic.

She took �900 off Lyn West, apparently.

I only found out afterwards. You got rolled, Sue,

it does happen. Oh, Mum, what were you thinking?

SAM: You're the one who told her to play UNO.

Yeah, I didn't know there's a gambling version of UNO, Sam!

Oh, yeah!

It's big in India.

Well, I'll never know now.

I can't afford me big trip after this. SOBS: I'm such an idiot!

No, no, Mum. No.

We'll get it back. How do we get it back?

Only one way to do that. How? Double or quits, innit?

It is. Rematch. Yeah, exactly.

The only way to guarantee you don't lose when you gamble,

you keep gambling. Well, that's appalling advice!

Is it?

And this Ethel woman is clearly an UNO, you know,

grandmaster. Mum will just get cleaned out again!

SAM: Well, not necessarily. Hmm?

What do you mean? OK, so what's...?

Ooh, Ethel hasn't got any reds. Sue should play a red.

Sue should play a red. Press the talk button now.

HE IMITATES BABY CRYING

You'd have been a great baby. I was. Were you?

Right, let me just... I'll look next door.

Oh! UNO.

Look, you just got lucky, that's all. It won't last!

And that's 3-0. Ach!

And it goes up to �400 a hand. My deal. Oh!

DOORBELL RINGS

SAM: Oh, I'll get it. No, you won't. OK, cool.

Erm, let's talk. Oh, hi, Maya. In here.

Yeah, good idea, good idea. Not you, Mum.

Oh, my God!

SAM LAUGHS: What's happened? She's snapped her UNO trophy.

Maybe help Robin with his sticker habit instead, Mum?

Sam, I can't keep driving you in like this.

All right. Stop filming. Put the camera down!

I am, I am. Hang on. Is that Robin?

Children, back in class, please!

Oh, my God! Oh, no, no.

Come on, back in class. We're just doing some swapsies.

You guys, you should know better, hanging round outside a school.

He's still got my Phil Foden.

Get away! Aiden! Aiden! Where do you live?

We'll be back at three o'clock. I know what you look like.

Wait, what's your address? Come on, come on.

We can hit up St Helens. It's only down there.

OK, let's go. Get in the car.

See, they'll be on break in about 45 minutes.

Come on, let's run. OK.

HE CHUCKLES

BABY MONITOR: Waargh!

Let's try...

Ah!

BABY MONITOR: Waargh!

On Satan's smelly old bum hole!

BABY MONITOR: Waargh! Now, then.

BABY MONITOR: Wait!

Oh, is the baby all right? Is the baby all right?

Anyone? ROBIN: Just picked up a green.

PAUL: Put the talk back off.

What was that? Oh, they must be in there

just trying to soothe him.

BABY MONITOR: Waargh, waarrgh, waargh, waargh! Blue.

OK, so...UNO.

And game.

Something's off here, I can feel it in me waters.

Oh, that'll be the humbugs, Ethel, they always give me the squits.

We can stop if you like. No.

I'm having a mint fag.

SAM: Wow, that's a big box.

I only trust fags imported from Turkey.

Right. Bill Gates puts nanobots and asbestos in our ones.

I mean, he doesn't, but, whatever.

HE MIMICS BOXER

Anyone who doubts you ever has to go.

Yah, yah, yah, yah!

ROBIN CHUCKLES

So you're beating her, then?

Oh, we are beating her like an...egg.

Yeah. Yeah, we're beating her into stiff,

glossy peaks, the...can I say, "Bitch?" No, absolutely not.

I wasn't going to.

SHE SIGHS

How's Amy? Oh, God, the usual, you know, hates me,

thinks I'm a terrible counsellor/mum.

Maybe she's right, maybe I should pack it in.

What, being her mother?

No, being a counsellor.

Ah! Yeah, yeah, I see.

Well, maybe it's not for me. No.

What do you think?

I mean, maybe you should speak to a counsellor.

Thank you. SAM: Well done, Dad. Ah. ROBIN: Oh, here she is!

Hey, Mum. Oh, yeah! Huh? Well done. Sit down, babe.

How are you feeling? GASPS: I'm absolutely shattered after that.

Oh, well, come here, champ. I got you.

SHE SIGHS

I'm actually happy to stop now,

because I've nearly made the money back that I need

for me round-the-world trip. Wow! Don't you mean "across-the-world"?

You can't go around it, it's flat.

Well, it's not, but, OK. And we're not stopping, thank you.

Whoa. Double or quits. All in.

Wow, that is a serious wad of cash.

That is one cheeky chunk.

I carry all my money at all times in cash,

just to be safe. Safe? That's not safe.

You want to put it in a safe if you want it to be safe, or,

you know, a bank. I don't use banks, thank you.

They're all owned by paedophiles.

Oh, no! Are they? Well, no, Sue, I mean, why would they be?

Banks, politics, Hollywood, Happy Eater, all run by paedos,

they're everywhere. SAM: Happy Eater?

There were some at my nephew's school last week.

What, were there? Three of the sickos were caught

bothering the little 'uns.

Claimed they were trying to swap football stickers,

but they were definitely paedos, apparently, from the look of them.

Oh...my...God. I know. Come on, Sue, one last round.

Three grand, winner takes all. You get her, Mum!

All right. You got this, you got this!

SAM: Go on, Granny. SHE SIGHS

I've so nearly completed the album. It's just...

It's actually gross, it's gross.

You and your weird little friends are gross.

I've got 37 stickers to go, I can't stop now.

I can't stop now, babe. I've had a child with you.

Do you know how embarrassing. that is? It's embarrassing.

I can't. Babe, can we just talk about it at home?

You are not going home tonight, you are sleeping here with Atlas.

And tomorrow I am calling Amber.

Oh, no, please don't make me go back to Amber! Chez...!

We need couples therapy, Robin,

and you're paying for it. Shit.

CRYING FROM BABY MONITOR

Oh, my life!

It's times like this that make me wonder

if collecting football stickers is even worth it at all.

I mean, of course it isn't, Robin. SAM: Hang on,

back door's still open. Yeah, and?

So that means that the front door's going to...

DOOR SLAMS ..do that. Ah!

Oh, what was that? Oh. Oh! Oh, no, that's...

What happened? Argh! Argh! Atlas!

The front door slammed again. Is the baby all right, Paul?

Is the baby all right? He's awake, Sue. The baby's awake.

Yeah, we're sorry, Mum.

We didn't think he'd actually wake up.

What are you talking about? He's been crying all bloody night!

Oh, yeah. Well, can you get him back to sleep, Robin?

Not normally, no. I'll try.

Well, do we stop, or what? No, we're not stopping!

So what do I...? You're just going to have to win, Mum. Oh.

Like you've won every hand so far.

You can do it. SHE SIGHS

Yes. And pick up two! SHE LAUGHS

Put that in your arse and smoke it! SAM: What?

Oh, Maya, are you off? Erm, yeah, I, erm... AMY: Yep.

Bye, Rachel.

But thank you for everything.

Oh. Yes, no worries.

Bye. Bye, Maya. Bye.

Everything OK?

Uh-huh, all good. Oh, phew! SHE LAUGHS

What a relief. I thought I'd ruined everything.

We broke up. OK.

But we had to.

You were right.

You said what we needed to hear.

You're actually quite a good counsellor, it turns out.

ATLAS CRIES IN DISTANCE

LAUGHS: That's wiped the grin off your chops, hasn't it?

How's it going, Sam? This is the last hand.

They're playing for �3,000. Come on, Mum!

RACHEL: Oh, good one.

Come on, Sue.

Miss a go,

and... SAM: Oh, no.

Yes! Eat that! Gobble that up!

No-one beats Ethel Veronica Ticehurst, no-one!

Oh, Mum. I'll be having this.

Hang on.

What? You didn't say "UNO".

I did. She's right, you didn't. That's a two-card penalty.

I did. Of course I did. SAM: You didn't, actually.

And I was filming it all, if you want to check. Ho-ho!

Pick up two, Ethel. Them's the rules.

SHE CHUCKLES

Your go, then, Granny. Come on, Mum.

UNO.

UNO.

Game! THEY CHEER

SAM: Yes, Granny!

You cheated! I don't know how, but you cheated me,

all of you! You're all in on it.

Yeah, all right, another conspiracy theory.

You're paranoid, mate!

Amy, Amy, you saved my bacon!

Yeah, never underestimate the under-sevens champion.

Still the best girl in Bedford. I still know the rules, yeah.

Actually, let's get our trophy. Where's our trophy?

Oh, I put it in the bin. Why did you put it in the bin?

Get that camera out of my face, I feel like Princess Diana here.

Found it! She's still alive, you know, that was fake.

SAM: Cool. Bye. ATLAS CRIES

Oh, the baby's still crying. I should probably...

No. Ta-da!

There you are! Yeah. Ha-ha-ha!

THEY CHEER

Yeah, yeah, now you're pleased I didn't empty the bin.

You're welcome! Don't kiss it, it's covered in salmon. Eurgh.

# Wind the bobbin up, wind the bobbin up

# Pull, pull, clap, clap, clap

# Wind it back again, wind it back again

# Pull, pull, clap, clap, clap

# Point to the ceiling, point to the floor

# Point to the window, point to the door

# Clap your hands together, one, two, three

# Put your hands upon your knee... #

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