All language subtitles for Here We Go s03e04 Our Trip to Liverpool.eng

Do you know what?
It's got a beautiful action.

Right, stop smelling him, Robin.

He's got a hell of a grip.
Thank you.

Ah, any sign of him your side, Sam?

Nothing yet, no.

IN MOCK SCOUSE ACCENT:
All right there?

Think thah's for me.

Thah's for me, that is, la'.

What accent are you trying to do,
Rachel?

Well, that's...
Your one, your accent, Sue.

Oh,.
It's quite good, no?

Oh, you don't need
to do the voice, surely.

Of course she does.
Well, of course.

The postman's not going to hand over
the sewing machine

if he doesn't think your mother
lives in that house, Amy.

I do live in that house, la'.

Stop saying la'. That's...

And you've got to be more glossal,
babe, OK?

You've got to activate the glossal.

So, like... IN MOCK SCOUSE ACCENT:
Me shirt's all sticky.

Stiggy?
Me shirt, it's sticky...

You sound like Kermit the frog.
Me shirt, under me arms.

I mean... I mean...
That was even worse.

Why would I need to say that?
"My shirt's all sticky."

My own son can't do the accent.
Honestly.

Yeah, I can. Our family's lost
all connection to home.

I can do the accent...
MIMICKING: All connection to home.

..Mum, all right?
All connection to home.

That was good, wasn't it?
All connection to home. No.

Don't mock me, Rachel.

Don't moch me.
Moch, moch.

That's it, that's it.
Moch me.

Stop it! Yeah, can we just
calm down. Just calm down.

THEY LAUGH

Just get... Let's just get Granny
to say it's her house,

if you need someone
who can do the accent.

That's not a bad idea actually, Sue.
I...I'm terrible at accents.

It's not a...
It's your accent, Mum!

Yeah.
Yeah, it's easy, just...

Just wait in the driveway
for the postman

and then tell him
that you're Anne Abbot

and you're expecting a parcel.

An abbot? I can't pretend to be
an abbot, not in these clothes.

No. No, no, no.
As in the person I sent it to

is called Anne Abbot.

Oh, my God, why lie at all?

Why not just knock on the door and
confront the people who scammed you?

Because they could be gangsters,
Amy.

Because he's scared, basically.
Dad.

And they would be armed.

Some policeman you are.

Postie, dad.
He's there right now!

Oh, my God, quickly.

Er, what shall we do?
What shall we do, Paul?

Er... Quickly, what? Abort, abort.
No. No abort. Yes abort.

No, don't, no.
Heads down.

Oh, God, hide. Hide.
Head down, head down, head down.

We've been compromised.

Aw. I know.
Very cute.

I know.

Aw. He's so gorgeous, Cheryl.

Mm, he's got my face.

He has. And my thighs.
Sensational thighs.

But he has got Robin's
weird long toes.

Yeah, he has, yeah.

And he's got my vibe as well,
apparently. Aw.

Vibe? What vibe is that?

Just that he's, you know,
a bit much, can be, when he's awake.

Yeah. Yeah. Aw.

What made you go for Atlas
as a name?

Well...
I mean, I love it.

We just saw it in a book, yeah.

Which book? Was it an atlas?

No, like a baby names book.

Yeah, no, name-wise,
it was between Atlas,

Lion, Lord,

Granite, Wonder or Magic.

Yeah. OK.
Yeah.

Great. I think you chose well,
in that case.

Yeah, we did.
Thank you so much.

And we got a little
cuddly Earth for him.

Because Atlas.
Ah, I love it.

Yeah, he's got the whole
world in his hands.

Yes, very appropriate, that is,
isn't it?

And is that little toy bin
thing for him an' all?

What's that? That's a...
Oh, no, that's mine.

OK. That's mine. What?
Yeah. But it's tiny.

Yeah, he got scammed.
I didn't get scammed.

Oh,. I wanted a garden waste bin,
right? Mm.

And the council were going
to charge me 50 quid for it,

so I went online, and...
Got scammed.

No, I didn't check the dimensions.

Yeah, I mean I'll find a use for it.

Yeah, if you want to chuck away
one blade of grass at a time.

Yeah, whatever.
THEY LAUGH

Ah, very good.
Oh, Paul, you gullible goon.

THEY LAUGH
Yeah.

Well, you can talk, Mum.

It's far more sophisticated
than the scam you fell for.

Oh, no, Sue, what happened?

Oh, was it one of those
fake coppers,

demanding your bank details?
Oh. It wasn't a scam.

What...what was it?
Yeah, right.

She paid a window cleaner
who came to the door

�40 in advance cos he needed
to go and buy sponges.

Oh.

Sue, that does not sound good.

That's a right steal, that.
But Colin will be back.

As soon as he's got his
Japanese sponges... His what?

..he'll clean your yucky
old windows. Yeah, right.

Oh, yeah, they're minging.
Yeah.

DOORBELL RINGS
Oh,. Ah!

There he is, you see?
Doorbell!

Oh, as if. Sam, get dressed.
You've got school this afternoon.

I know. I will.

Erm...
Oh, don't do the arms.

Wow.
Guess who just got scouted.

Scouted? What?
What do you mean?

Oh, God, she's been walking
like that the whole way here.

It's taken us ages.
Take it in, suckers!

Take a good, long look...at
Bedford's next top model.

What's all this?
What?

Well, you know how you've been
saying I'll never get a job

moping about the shopping centre?
Mm.

Well, egg on your face,

because I just got scouted
outside Superdrug,

by Blue Diamond Models UK.

Never heard of 'em.
Oh, well done, Amy.

I mean, she literally
didn't do anything.

Well, OK. Thanks, Granny.

Er, Sue, these were
at the door for you.

Oh, thanks, my love.

I can't believe this.

I am always outside that Superdrug
and I have never been scouted once.

Well, they probably think you
already are a model, though, babe.

It's true, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. It is.

Oh, actually, Mum,
can I borrow the sewing machine?

I need to fix my clean shirt
for the head shots.

Well, you'll have to be quick cos
I'm about to sell it on eBay.

But, Amy, you're not really
going to be a model.

Yeah, of course. Why not?
Darren said it's guaranteed work.

I just need to front the head shot
costs and I'll be off to castings.

Paris, here I come, baby.

Front the head shots.
How much is that?

Er, like, three hundred quid?
Right.

Oh, my... Ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding!

What?
Ding, ding, ding!

No? Ding, ding!
What you doing?

That's alarm bells... Oh. Yeah.
..everyone.

No. In what way?

Well, since when does
a proper modelling agency

ask for money up front?

No, this one's proper.

Darren's legit, right?
Mm. Darren...

Well, I mean, it was a bit weird
that he had a card reader on him.

Ah-ha! But maybe.

Look, I mean I'm going to stick
to my actual job that involves,

you know, my brain.

But if you want to be
a human coat hanger, then, sure,

knock yourself out.
What, so you were scouted, too?

Yeah, we both were. Oh, well,
then it's definitely a scam, then.

Well, that's...
Whoa! Erm, excuse me.

No, I didn't...
No, I didn't mean like that.

Didn't mean like that. Mia, you are
gorgeous, right? You're fit.

Don't say that.
Fit? Make it worse.

All I'm saying is,
it sounds like Darren Dimante...

Diamante. Yeah.
..wasn't being very picky.

No offence.
None taken.

You have no idea what
you're talking about.

It's not a scam. I'm doing it.

Well, don't come crying to me when
you need to file a police report.

Why would I report it to Billy No
Mates in the basement anyway?

THEY LAUGH
He's not in the basement.

Wrong, wrong.

Not any more. I have been assigned
field work as of today.

Yeah, also, Rachel does know what
she's talking about, Ames,

because, yes,
she used to be a model herself.

Yeah, I wasn't going to mention it.
What? Really?

Did you? Yes.
I wasn't going to mention that.

Oh, Rach!

Oh, my God, how embarrassing.
Yeah, briefly, briefly.

Oh, you mean like
when they use real women as models?

That one of them? Yeah.
No, not like that.

We've still got the magazines
knocking about somewhere.

BOTH: Magazines?! Yeah, yeah.
A couple, yeah. Yeah.

You were in magazines?

Yeah, no, I was, yeah,
so, you know, I'm...

I'm well-placed to know that
the modelling industry can be

exploitative and gross,
so stay well away from it.

Trust me. Actually, babe,
we should get Atlas into modelling.

The state of him.

Oh, my God, yeah, he would smash it.

Yeah, well, that's basically the
opposite of what I was just saying.

Oh, he is a beautiful baby,
to be fair.

And the rest, babe.
I mean, look at him.

This little fittie needs to get
to market right now.

In fact, I might take him out in
to the jardin and do a few candids,

now he's awake. Yeah, well,
take some of me as well.

Course I will. Madonna and child.

Oh, could you wash my shirt, then,
Granny, if I bring it over?

Granny?

Uncle Eric's died.

What?
Oh, Granny.

What's that, Mum?
Uncle Eric.

Died last year.

92, he was.

No-one even told me.

Oh, Mum.

Is he...?

Who is he?

My dad's younger brother.

Right. He lived with us
when I was a girl.

Oh.

Oh, dear, they want me
to go up there.

Would you come with me, Paul?

To Liverpool?

I mean, ideally not.

Who wants you to go there, Sue?

The solicitor.

I'm an executor of his estate,
apparently.

Estate? What...what kind of estate?

Well, now you're interested.

It's not going to be
a National Trust one, is it?

Well, we don't know.
OK.

And, not wanting to sound callous,

but would it be worth our while
going there?

Yeah, that sounds very callous.

Well, of course it would.

We could go down Memory Lane,
see the old house.

We'll show you where you come from.

I'd actually love to do that.
Oh.

We could stay a few days,
make a trip of it. Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Mum, we're...we're not going
on holiday to Liverpool.

Why not?

Well, holidays should be
somewhere warm.

And nice.
And we can't afford it.

Yeah, and we can't
afford it...crucially.

You should've led with that.
That's the main reason.

Maybe... Why don't you call
the solicitor

and ask what we've been left,

and we'll discuss it
when I'm back from work, OK?

I'm happy to go with you, Granny.

Well, you're just happy
to miss school, Sam.

Er, school, Sam!
Yeah, I...

Get dressed! Come on!
Wow.

Go, now!

Mum, slow down...
Speed bump!

Oh, God.

How does it take you 40 minutes
to get some clothes on?

It wasn't that long.

Is that Dad?
What?

What's he doing?
Is it?

Yeah.

83...

Why don't you just
talk to the postman?

It's the rules.

I'm not allowed to apprehend
a criminal on my own. Ugh...

I have to call for backup.

Well, so we just let someone
scam us, do we? Great.

Well, look, it was only
a sewing machine, Rachel.

What? It's not as if they stole
one of your kidneys.

Here we go, then.

Paul, number 89 -
we're here, look.

Oh.
This is it.

Here? As in the...

This place?

Yep. 89, Kinbury Road.

Come on, then.
Oh.

Sorry, this is what?
Granny's old house.

Oh, no.

This was the living room here.

Oh, OK. Yeah.

And our kitchen was similar
to theirs, actually.

Really?
Less, you know, chicken.

Well, yeah, that makes sense, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And the furniture was all
different back then, of course.

Mm, yeah, no, sure.

Do yous want anything?

Oh. Oh, no, sorry, no. We're just
er, browsing, thank you, yeah.

I used to live here.

What, in here?

I mean, before it was a restaurant,
obviously.

Restaurant?

W...would I be able to have
a look back there?

It used to be my bedroom.

Oh.

I wouldn't.

Oh, right. But why's that?

Well, presumably because it's
unspeakably awful back there, Mum.

Probably.

Can I get the, er,
popcorn chicken, please? No.

No, Sam, we're not stopping.

We've got to be at the solicitor's
in 20 minutes, so...

It's fine, it's ready now.
We don't make it fresh.

Oh, that is a great selling point.

Cool, thanks, man.

Popcorn chicken.

Ah.

It's like two different things,
isn't it? You know.

It's like saying lettuce beef.

Not really.

Sorry about him.

28 in a 20.
Is against the law, Rachel.

Oh, whatever. Whatever.
Don't blame the operative.

The operative -
the guy crouching in a bin?

Near a bin, not in a bin!

I'm not the grumpy Muppet
from Sesame Street.

No. Oscar the Grouch?
Yeah.

You're the creepy muppet catching
a mum on the school run.

Not creepy.
Look at that. Aren't they sparkly?

I told you he'd come back,
didn't I?

Ah!

Yeah. No.

Colin's doing a good job, Mum.
I stand corrected.

Yes, thank you, Sue.

At least someone is actually
helping this family.

It's the Japanese sponges.
You could eat your dinner off that.

Mm. I mean, you'd have to be quick,
and choose a fairly adhesive food.

Like an omelette. I was going to say
omelette. Yeah, nice one, mate.

Ah, noodles, maybe.

Oh, Paul...
Sticky rice.

..the solicitor got back to me
up in Liverpool.

Go on.
Uncle Eric has left me a painting.

A painting?!

Well, who's it by?
Who's it by?

Well, it's not going to be
a Rembrandt, is it?

Well, it might be one of
the old Masters.

Oh, my God. We don't know.
Stop being so grasping.

If you want more money, stop giving
speeding tickets to your own family.

Yeah, or stop speeding.

28 isn't... Oh!

What's that?
OK, it's only Robin.

Are you all right?
And Cherry.

Oh, gawd! I thought it was open.

What's all that about, then?
Oh, yeah, Colin came back.

Ah. Those windows are as clean
as a fish's willy.

They really are.
A what?

Is that...
That's not a saying, is it?

Well, now, dollop of humble pie
for table one, I think, Paulo.

Look at that!
The guy's a glass whisperer.

You could eat your dinner off that.

I know, yeah,
so long as it's something sticky.

Sure. Porridge, choccy mousse, er...

Yeah, we were thinking omelette.
Love omelette. Yeah.

Oh, Cheryl,
you look like an American superstar.

Oh.
You really do.

Are those crocodile skin leggings?

Oh, croggings, yeah, cheers.

And since when have you been
wearing glasses, then?

No, no, look, they're clear.
Ah!

Atlas has got a casting later,

so we wanted to look
a bit more media, you know?

Latte, please, ciao.
THEY LAUGH WEAKLY

So, what, have you got him an agent?

No, no, just like there's this
advert doing like open auditions.

I'm his agent. Look at this.
Robin Hankey, CEO,

Hot Tots Talent Management. Ciao.

Oh. Hot Tots.
Ciao.

So you've started your own agency?

Ah, well, yes, I've printed out
ten business cards, so, I mean,

I guess I've just...
Committed fraud?

Minor fraud, Sam. Very minor.

Don't bang me up, officer.

No, you joke. He would, you know.

He's already given me
a speeding ticket.

Oh, you dirty nark!

I didn't know it was her!

I was just pointing the gun
at any fast car.

She was the one doing 28 in a 20.
Don't blame me.

Fair play, Rach, the gun don't lie.

Yeah. Well... Yeah.
DOORBELL RINGS

Doorbell!
Gun don't lie.

Someone!
All right.

What kind of advert is it?

Will Atlas have any lines?

Lines? Oh, God, no,
I hope not, Sue. He can't talk.

The lipstick's called Livid Peach.

I've had my hair done - look.
Right.

Ugh, OK.

Oh, you're not going through
with the head shots, Amy?

Well, I'm taking an amazing
opportunity, yeah.

It's free money.
For the photographer, sure.

Oh, my God, Dad, it's not a scam.

Well, I very much think it could be.

Yeah, and you also thought the
window cleaner wasn't coming back,

and you bought a totally useless,
really small wheelie bin.

Er, it's not useless, thank you,

cos now it's where
I keep my peppermints.

Mm. And look. You know, I'm not
saying my scam radar's faultless,

Amy, I'm just saying that any idiot
can get business cards

and claim to run a modelling agency.

Don't I know it?

Oh! Oh! Rach, in fact,
I found the old portfolio.

Oh.
Oh, my God, no!

Peter Bilby's Office Supplies.
Oh, don't get it out.

Oh!

Oh, my God.
Yeah. No way.

That's not a magazine.

No. Well, yeah, no, it is.
It's a catalogue.

Same thing, isn't it?
There she is. Ay! There she is.

Wow! Look at that.
Oh, gosh. Stunning.

Yeah.
Gosh, it takes me back.

Yeah, I bet. Yeah, no, I'll have you
know that Peter Bilby

was a very high-end supplier.

Yeah, I think
I've heard about his Milan shows.

THEY LAUGH

That's a lovely filing cabinet.

Exactly. Thank you, Sue.

And also, check this one out.
There's more?!

Yes, there is.
Don't get them all out.

Domestic innovations wholesales UK.

Wow. Yeah.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Oh, wow!

It's Milli Vanilli.

Is that you? Are you joking?

You've got your hand
down the toilet!

That's showbiz.

Are you wearing a bog brush?

Er, it's a brush glove, yeah.
It's fashion...of a kind.

It's the featured product.
You know.

I mean, let this be a warning
to you, Amy, you know.

These agents, they promise
the earth, but you might end up,

you know...
With your arm in a toilet!

THEY LAUGH
And their career down there as well.

What does that mean?
Yeah, no, great advice, Mum.

I won't wear that in my head shot.

Oh, erm, did you manage to wash
that shirt, Granny?

Oh, yeah, I meant to say, you know,
the placket's a bit frayed.

Er...

You know, the bit
with the button holes?

Oh, yeah. I know. I know.

I need to, erm...
Mum, where's that sewing machine?

Er, oh, I posted it this morning,
it's gone.

But I asked to borrow it.

About two weeks ago.
I sold it.

You'll have to do it by hand.

Well, that'll offset
the speeding ticket, then.

How much did you get for it?
It...it'll be �250.

Will be - why will be?

Because the buyer asked me
to, er, send it off first

and then let them know the postage
so they can reimburse me in full.

Oh, Mum.
Uh-oh.

What?

Yeah, Rach,
my scam radar's going mad.

What? Why? Yeah, they definitely
should've paid you

before you sent it, babe.
Yeah.

Yeah? Well, I thought
they were just being nice.

Erm, nice?
Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Has the buyer got any reviews or...?
What's their star rating like?

Checking, just checking.

Oh, God. Come on.
Oh, God! No.

No reviews at all.

Yeah, it's the first thing
they've bought.

Yeah, that's a scam, Mum.

All day long.

Why...why do I bother?

Why do I ever bother doing anything?

No, don't know.

I mean, it won't have arrived yet.

Oh, that's a point.

If you only sent it this morning,
you could, you know,

intercept it before it gets there.

Yes, love it, vigilante stylee.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no.

These guys, they could be hardened
criminal gangsters.

Well, you do it, then.
You're the copper.

Make yourself useful for once.
Yeah. Ah... I mean...

Where did you send it, Mum?

Er, Ann Abbot,
70 Lucknow Park, Birkenhead.

Where?
Oh, that's right by Liverpool.

We can do the double.

Oh, Rachel, this is meant to be.

Yeah. I mean, we'd have to
leave like this afternoon.

Great.
OK, wait for me.

My photoshoot's in like an hour.
Where's the shirt, Granny?

No. Hanging up in the garden - look.

Oh, right, OK.
Yeah, well, watch out, Amy.

The door!

THUD!
Oh! Oh, God!

Oh, my gawd.
Oh, Amy! Amy!

God! All right,
don't get up too quickly.

Oh, she's all right.
Are you all right, love?

Oh, my God.
What?

Atlas just laughed.
Oh!

That was his first-ever laugh.

Oh, fantastic.

Oh, well done, Ames.

There go the head shots.

It was pretty funny,
to be fair to him.

Mm.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

It's beneath you, you know.

No, no, no, modelling.

Oh. It's a blessing
you couldn't do the head shots.

Got so much more to offer.

Mm. I'm not sure I have, actually.

I thought you and Graham
were going to set up a band?

Yeah, no, that's a stupid idea.

Not stupid.

Brave, maybe.

But that's why it's worth doing.
It takes work.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hi, so sorry to keep you.

Sam! Wonderful location
you've got here.

So near Breck Road.

Do they still do
the open-air market?

Er, I don't know.

Oh.

At least you've got Mr Gibbons
on the corner for your sarnies.

That's flats now.

Yeah, can you please stop
aggressively reminiscing

with someone clearly in their 30s?
It won't work.

Sorry, is that shredder
from Peter Bilby's Office Supplies?

I mean... No?

I...

It was here when I moved in.

I think it is.
And you, Rach?

I think it is.
Can you plea...

Sorry, sorry. Just tell us
about the painting.

Yes, the painting.

Yeah, so size-wise,
we've got a Ford Galaxy, right?

So if it's a big old Rothko
or fresco,

then we can maybe strap it
to the roof...

Put it on the roof.
..I think. Roof of the car.

Erm...

So...

What's this? Huh.

That's the painting
Eric wanted Sue to have.

That's the painting?
Yeah.

I reckon we'll get that in the car.

Er, yeah, we'll...we'll get it
in the car, all right.

Do you have provenance?
Provenan... Provenance?!

I don't... It's the term.
No, I know it's the term.

I'm not an art expert. Erm...
No, you're not.

Who...who's... Is it by someone?

Well, I suppose it has to be.

Because I know that modern art
is famously...bad,

but...that's worse than normal.

Yeah. It's...

I don't think
it's by a famous artist, no.

SCOFFING: No.
I mean, I don't know who it's by.

Well, so what?
We've come all this way...

Oh! ..to...to collect something
that would be binned...

Oh, my goodness.
..in an asylum?

I mean... But that's...
Waste of time.

That's a...
Well, that's a scam, frankly.

It's a scam.
It's me.

No, Mum.

It's by me. I painted it.

It's me and Uncle Eric.

Oh!
Oh.

Oh...
It's lovely.

Ah. Oh, Sue, that...

That is so beautiful.
Yeah. Yeah.

Stunning.
Look at the colours.

Gorgeous.
The shapes and the...

the blob...blobs.
It is.

It is. That's special.

And...and...
Mm.

And when I said asylum...
Mm.

..I didn't mean as in, you know...

I mean, you get a fair few
troubled geniuses, don't you?

Oh, gosh, you do. You know?
In the art world. You do. Yeah.

What's with the plate on his head?

I wondered that.
No, that...that's a beret.

He was in the Navy.

Oh, was he? Really?
Yeah.

Indeed he was.
He left you these as well...

Oh!
Oh!

Whoa!
Sick.

..including a
Distinguished Service Medal

for carrying two injured men
to safety during enemy bombardment.

Oh, wow!
Oh, my God.

What a hero!
Yeah.

And his police medal's here.

The police?!

Oh, yeah, that's right - he joined
the force after he left the Navy.

What? Well, no wonder
I became a cop.

It's in the blood!
HE LAUGHS

I'm a police officer.

The medals may be valuable, in fact.

Oh, really?
If you were looking to sell them.

Yes, definitely.
No. No way.

No way. No.
Not at all.

Just more definition
on the eyebrows.

Ge... No, I know. I know.
I know you do. I'm just saying.

I'm not doing brows,
I'm doing cheek... Oh.

Sorry.
Hello. Sorry.

Sorry. Yeah, that's
the boy's cousin, basically.

That's not some random perv.
Hi. OK.

Right, well, do you want to bring
lovely Atlas...

Atlas. ..over...over here and just
pop him between the legs?

Yeah. Just, what,
between the legs and then...?

Oh, sorry, the bear.
The bear's legs.

Yes, that makes more sense.
Yeah.

Let me pop him down here.

HE CHUCKLES
OK.

So, erm, Mum and - is it agent?

Agent-slash-dad. Ciao.

What we're looking for
is a lovely big smile.

OK.
CLEARS THROAT

Ah...
From Atlas.

Yeah, again, checks out.
I'm so sorry. We're a bit nervous.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
Yeah.

Shall we go for one?
Yeah, snap away.

Let me just pop him in posish.

Right. OK, get in the zone.

Get in the zone. You've got this.

You've got this, big guy.

OK? And...

..let's have a smile.
Atlas?

Er...

Smile!

Smile, Atlas.

Is he...is he normally
this...serious? Yeah.

No. He... Yeah, he is.
Well, he... No, no, he smirks

if I do my, er, my funny faces.

Oh, yeah, go on, do it, Robin.
This is good.

Yeah.
Yep.

ROBIN GURGLES

No, he's not...he's not
finding it funny, so...

HE VOCALISES

Funnier, Robin,
much...much funnier.

I'm a monster a monster, a monster.
It's not funny, Robin.

He's not finding it funny. Depends
what you're into, doesn't it?

I'm try... I'm trying, babe.

IN "FUNNY" VOICE:
Oh, Atlas. Atlas!

HE GURGLES

HE STRAINS AND FARTS

Robin.
Er...

SHE LAUGHS
OK.

OK, well, erm, look, erm...

Well, look,
thanks so much for coming in.

Is that it?

Oh! Hold up, hold up.
I know what'll do it.

Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.

He absolutely loves this, right?
Right, oh...yeah.

Get ready with that camera.

You're about to get the money shot.

Argh!
Whoa!

Ooh! Ah! Ooh!
What the...?

Oh, my God!

Robin, what...what are you doing?
What... Erm...

Did he laugh?
No, of course not! No.

I'm sorry about... Oh, for...
..that.

Erm...
Ow! We go again.

No, we don't go again!

You're obviously going
to have to leave.

OK. OK.
No, of course.

Be real with me, sister -

has the boy booked it?

No.
No.

No. No. No.
Because we damaged the studio.

Yeah. Among other things, yes.
Among other things.

So...
Oh, I've hurt my hip.

No-one cares.
Glass has gone on these as well.

All right, stop talking.
Oh, no, they're empty.

Why are you still talking?
HE VOCALISES

Guys, can you just...?
It's not the time. Shall we get out?

Yes. Go. Thank you.
Yes, I'll go. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. I won't lie, it's
going to take me a while to leave,

just cos, obviously... Hobbling.
Ah! Just go!

Oh, Dad, your tiny bin.

That is a much better use for it,
to be fair, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah.

Bye, Eric.

Thanks for being such
a nice uncle to me.

I'll miss you.

Yes.

And...

..on behalf of the Allies,

and Nato...

..we thank you for your service.

Your bravery is an example
to us all.

MURMURS: Oh.

WHISPERS: OK.

PHONE VIBRATES

You not going to get that?

I won't have time for it anyway.

Not if I'm doing the band.

Now, then,
you should have his medals, Paul.

No, Mum.

I need to earn them first.

Come on.

What?

What does that mean?

Don't recognise any of this.

We were here this morning, Granny.

No, from the old days, I mean.

Oh. Oh, some homecoming, this is.

There's no-one left.

I'm going in.

Right.

This is for you, Uncle Eric.

Facta Non Verba.

What does that mean?
It's the British Police motto -

"deeds, not words."

Isn't it "See it, say it, sorted"?

No.
Oh...

Is the bodycam on, Sam?
Er, yeah, it is.

BODYCAM BEEPS

Be careful.

Yeah, OK.

THUMPING ON DOOR
Open up, police!

Look at him.

Quit stalling
or I'll set the dogs on you.

Right, hands where
I can see 'em, please.

I... What? Oh, goodness!
What's happening?

Hands up or you'll be spending
the night in the slammer!

Slammer?! Yes.
What?!

She's quite old, isn't she?
Really old. Yeah.

I don't know what's happening.
Save it for the judge.

What the hell's
happening here, then?

Officer Paul Jessop.

It's, er, come to our attention
that your wife

is part of a scamming, er,
gr...group.

This says Bedfordshire.

Yeah, I'm based in Bedford, yes,

but I'm part of a nationwide
anti-scamming, er, squad.

Scamming?! Oh, Roland,

I don't know what's happening.
Oh, don't worry.

Oh, no! Oh, my God, she's crying.

Can I ask, were you in receipt
of a sewing machine this morning?

Yes, I was. Yeah?

Hang on a second.

Which was purchased on eBay,
correct?

MAN: What's wrong with that, eh?

Er, I'll ask the questions here,
buddy bud.

Oh, please don't send me to prison.

OK.
Oh, bless her.

I don't believe it.
What?

Er, get on the app now, right?

Transfer the money to the seller,
and this can all just go away.

This is a scam, in't it?

Er, you're the scammer, mate.

I've read about scammers going
around pretending to be police.

But I am police.

Well, we'll just give 'em a call
and we'll find out, won't we?

Well, don't do that, please.

Anne?

Anne Flatley?

It's Sue. Sue Merriman.

Sue! What are you doing here?

Oh,!
What's this?

I don't know.
Anne and I were school friends.

Yeah, Mum... She was Anne Flatley
when I knew her.

Ah!
This is your son?

Paul, yeah. He's a policeman.

Yeah, well, I think
they can see that, Mum.

And, regardless of
your acquaintance,

we have intel that you haven't
paid for that sewing machine.

So, technically,
it is a stolen good.

I paid.

I paid a few hours ago on the app.

Didn't I?
Aye.

As if! I would've seen it
if you'd paid for it on the app,

and it's not...

Yeah.
Yeah, no, she has paid.

Yeah, I've just seen that.

Sorry about that.

Erm, hello.

I am Rachel.

I am Sue's daughter-in-law.

I'm his wife. Sorry about him.

Erm, sorry.

Me?!
Yeah, sorry. Sorry.

OK, good, then.

And, er, sorry.

I'm so sorry.

And we'll leave you now.
We'll get out of your hair...

Yeah.
..and go home.

No, come on in.

I'll put the kettle on.

There's so much to catch up on.

Oh, lovely!

ANNE CHUCKLES

OK!

SHE FORCES A LAUGH

Well, that was embarrassing,
wasn't it?

We going to sell them, then?
Huh? No! No, I'm not.

This one's going for
four grand on eBay.

Oh! Four grand.
No, no, I... No?

I can't sell my heritage.

Can't you?
No.

No. You'd only get scammed
again anyway.

Yeah, exactly.
And there's that.

OK. We are absolute mugs.

Yeah, we really, really are.

Both of us.

Why did you kiss your own hand?
I don't know.

Yeah, sorry again.

# Surprise, surprise!

# The unexpected hits you
between the eyes

# The unpredictable

# That's the surprise, you see

# Surprise, surprise

# When you've found the love
that's lost its way

# That's a nice surprise

# And when you don't know
what's in store today... #

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