Original subtitles

You're not ticklish at all? Nothing.

There's shell in there.

You've got to go to Stonehenge. Strong recommend.

Where is she? Hurry up, Sue, or I'll be late for the dentist!

Oh, all right, Rachel, but I've got to put me DVDs in their sheaths.

Oh, my God. Now, Paul, I didn't rewind them,

but that's fine with DVDs, isn't it?

Yes, Mum, we've been through this.

Oh, look, Mum, the under offer thing's gone

from next door's for sale sign.

Oh, no! Does that mean it's no longer under offer?

I don't know. I mean, it might have blown off.

Oh, have they pulled out?

Well, they can't have pulled out. They can't have pulled out!

They won't have pulled out. No way. No way.

We can go via the estate agent and ask them,

as long as we leave right now.

CLATTERING Come on. Paul, I've dropped them!

There's one rolling down the drive.

Ooh, I'm coming.

What do they look like?

He's very smart, and her coat's very orange. Ah.

I've only seen them from behind.

So, Dutch, maybe.

What are you doing? Sh, sh, sh. It's OK. Get over here.

Listen, there are some potentially Dutch people

who have made an offer next door, so we're just trying to...

Scare them off?

No. No, spy on them...a bit. Find out who they are.

Right. Ah! SUE INHALES SHARLY

What? Oh, my tooth hurts when I do that.

So don't do that. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Amy, great advice.

SAM: Well, just go to a dentist.

Aren't you supposed to be at school? No, it's a study day.

Well, go and study, then. I am, I'm doing film studies.

I have to make a 15-second horror film.

Just film Dad eating a doughnut.

PAUL: Oh, yeah, very funny, Amy.

Lots of people suck the jam out first.

It's not that weird. It is.

Why have you got your suitcase open?

Oh. Are you moving back in?

What? No, of course not.

No, Granny said she'd do my ironing.

Yeah, I did.

Which ones are the horror films again, Sammy? Is it like Titanic?

SAM: It's like... Have you seen It?

What, Titanic? No, no. It.

PAUL: Or The Thing, Mum. Have you seen The Thing?

What thing? Where did you put it?

Oh, just forget it. SAM CHUCKLES

Maybe I'll get some for my film club with Prudence.

Bedsheets? Are you kidding?

You're not getting your bedsheets ironed like you're Kim Jong-un.

Yeah. All right, fine. And knickers.

I mean, who gets knickers ironed, for goodness' sake?

Those are Maya's. Oh, are they?

Mm-hm. So put them down!

I am. I have. I'm not touching Maya's panties.

Panties? Oh, God.

Pants. Knicknocks. Never say panties.

Yeah, this is all Maya's, actually.

I don't have anything that needs ironing. I don't have a job.

And she's been doing overtime recently

because we've got quite a few bills... And you don't have a job.

Yeah. So I'm trying to find nice things that I can do for her,

do you know what I mean? Do this. Mm.

Paul, should I iron your tabard?

It's a tactical vest, Mum, not a tabard.

I'm a policeman, not a bloomin' dinner lady.

SAM: Lady? What?

PAUL: Man. Dinner man.

Yes. No, I don't want you to iron creases

into my tactical vest, please.

The other officers already think I'm a bit...square.

DOORBELL RINGS Doorbell!

SAM: You're the closest to the door, Mum.

Yeah, but I've got a bad tooth.

PAUL: You only have to answer it.

You don't have to eat your way through it.

SAM: Yeah, exactly. Oh, my God.

Can I invite Maya to pizza night on Wednesday?

Why? So you can have a free dinner?

No, to cheer her up.

Well, both. Mm.

Cherry! CHERRY: Hiya.

ROBIN: Watch out for the bump, please.

The lovely lady lump.

All right, all? Bump coming through.

Oh, Cheryl!

It's a boy. I can tell.

PAUL: No, you can't.

CHERRY: Oh, it feels like a whole bunch of boys, to be honest, though.

There is so much kicking. I mean, there really is.

It's like she's got the cast of Riverdance down there. It is.

They're coming out again, Paul.

They're...? What? They're coming out.

Oh, we've got some Dutch people moving in next door.

Oh, Holland. Yes, Holland.

Any reason you're here, Robin?

He wants sponsorship for his bungee jump.

AMY: Bungee jump? You're going bungee jumping?

ROBIN: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing.

Stop doing that. I'm so sorry. Yes, I am. Yes.

I want to do as mad shit as I can before the baby slides out.

So if you'd care to sponsor me...

Go on, then, Robin. I'll give you �1 a bounce.

Oh, it should only be one bounce, ideally,

but, thanks, Sue, that's...kind.

You doing it, too, Cheryl?

CHERRY: Is that a joke?

I've just had my hair done.

Exactly. And you're heavily pregnant.

Oh. What? Heavily?

As in, you know, you're eight months pregnant.

You look fantastic on it.

Oh, that is true. Yeah.

And the baby would probably come out when I boing back.

ROBIN AND PAUL LAUGH Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

Good one! And the old umbilical cord - nature's bungee rope, innit?

SAM: Can I film it? I need stuff for my horror film.

Oh, yeah, just a bit, Spielberg.

So, it's 10am, Saturday, Box End Park.

Hang on. Horror film?

What? Why? It's not... It's not dangerous, is it?

No. No. Probably not.

I'll check... PAUL: Don't check.

..on www.google.co.uk.

Just say "Google".

Come with me and Graham to the death metal gig on Thursday

if you want horror, Sam.

Someone threw a dead pigeon onstage last time.

ROBIN: Oh, yes. I'll have a bit of that.

I've never been to a death metal gig.

It's saying bungee jumps can make your eyes pop out.

CHERRY: What?

No. No. I do not want that.

Well, I don't want that.

I don't want to be married to...Popeye.

I won't get Popeye. I doubt I'll get Popeye.

I mean, it's a health and safety nightmare.

Oh, God, here we go. PC Gone Mad reporting for duty.

ROBIN: Oh, that is witty. I like that.

I'm just saying it's dangerous, Amy. I'm not being PC.

OK, fine. You're being boring. ROBIN CHUCKLES

I hardly think pointing out the potential risks

of a leisure activity makes someone...boring.

That's why the police hide you in the basement,

so no-one has to talk to you.

They don't hide me, thank you.

I am manning the evidence store.

MOCKING: "I'm running the evidence store."

Oh, Paul, are the other boys picking on you?

Well, no, they're just...just a bit angry with me, you know?

AMY: What? Why?

I told one of the Jamies about his leaving do,

and it turns out it was supposed to be a surprise,

so I ruined it, sadly.

One of the Jamies? Yeah.

How many Jamies are there?

There's four! All right. There's four Jamies.

That's a lot of Jamies. It's so confusing. Yeah.

And they're all so, like, hunky and spunky. What?

So I guess they consider me to be sort of older and...

AMY: Boringer.

Stop saying boring. I am not boring!

Am I?

ROBIN: No.

I mean... Oh, my God, guys, that was, like, five seconds.

You're not THAT boring, Paul. "That"?!

What do you mean, "that"? There's no need for the "that", Mum.

"You're not boring, Paul," will do.

I mean, I'm a former Olympian, for goodness' sake.

Some of the most boring people on the planet. Carry on.

You've got some funny stories.

CHERRY: Has he?

SUE: Er...Er, the pizza one. Yeah. Yeah. That's quite funny.

Yeah, the pizza one. It's REALLY funny.

OK, I'll tell you what, Paulo,

join me on the bungee cord on Saturday morning.

Nothing boring about that, mate. Problem solved.

It's not a problem!

Oh, my God. Rachel, am I boring?

Yeah.

It's Susie and Joe. The people buying next door.

Do you remember Susie and Joe? They don't sound very Dutch.

No, they're not Dutch. They had a son that went to school with Amy,

but then he left to go to a different senior school,

so we lost touch. What, Milo's parents?

Milo. Yes, exactly.

I always felt me and Susie had a real connection.

I really felt that we were meant to be special friends.

Susie and Joe... Yeah.

Oh, didn't we do the school quiz with them? Yes!

Yes. Do you remember? Yeah. They were great.

Can you imagine if they move in next door? Oh-ho-ho!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We should go and invite them over!

Oh, my God, really? Do you think so?

Yeah. Yeah, if they're going to be our neighbours.

I mean, you should go and invite them over one night this week!

Oh, my God. OK, I'm going to bloody do it. Oh, my God.

Susie. Me and Susie. Susie and Rachel.

Oh, my God! Yeah, go. I'm so excited about this.

RACHEL GIGGLES

ROBIN: Wow.

There's no jam in this doughnut.

SAM: Yeah, that's... Really dry.

Mm.

AMY: Yeah, er...

PAUL: OK, as quick as we can. Yes, yes.

Hello. Hi.

Sorry. We were just after some information.

Erm... Oh. OK.

Hiya. Hello. Hello.

Good day. OK.

Uh, hi. Hello.

Hi. We're just here to ask about the house on Pin Oak Court.

37 Pin Oak? Yes.

Yep, no problem. What's your name?

Oh, no, no, no, we're not stopping.

I've got... I'm late for a dentist appointment, so... Yeah.

Is it... Is it back on the market? Yeah.

Only the under offer strip's been removed from the sign,

so we just wanted to know what was going on. Yeah.

Yeah, no problem. If you just give me an email address,

we can start your property search for you. We're not searching...

No, we're not, we're not looking for a property. ..for a property.

That's not why we're... No, we are the next door neighbours

in Pin Oak Court, and we just need to know if number 37

is under offer or not. Yeah, that's literally all we need to... Yeah.

No problem. So, four-bedroom houses with outside space, ideally, is it?

Oh. Oh, my God, no.

No, no, no, no. We're just literally asking about this house.

Exactly. So if you could just tell us,

is 37 Pin Oak Court still under offer?

Is it still under offer? That's the only reason we're here.

Yeah. Please tell us.

No problem. So, what shall I put down for budget?

Oh, my gosh. We're not... �100 million.

Well, that's nuts.

What, really? Yeah.

OK. Yeah, I'm a cash buyer.

I'd like to buy 37 Pin Oak Court

for �100 million. �100 million, all right.

Well, yeah. Can you just please tell us... Up front.

..if it's under offer or not?

No problem at all. So, let's start with your email.

Start? It feels like we've been talking for, honestly, 15 years.

Definitely going to be late now for my dentist appointment. Yeah.

So we... Is it under offer?

Is it? Why did the strip come down?

Why is it off? Please just tell us. Is it under offer?

Paul.jonathan.jessop@proton.me. No, don't give them your email.

Buyers pulled out a couple of days ago.

Right, thank you. Did they say why?

I think we know why.

It might not definitely be me, Rach!

I don't understand it, you know?

I've been telling everyone at the station about my bungee jump,

and I'm getting nothing. Nobody cares.

Well, you know, you can't force it. PHONE VIBRATES

Oh. What? Who is it?

Who is it? It's the Dentist Bastard.

OK. Oh, I missed my appointment with him yesterday.

What? You've been waiting ages for that. Yeah.

Why is the dentist a bastard?

Well, because he puts metal things in my mouth and it hurts.

So, because he's a dentist?

Yes. The bastard.

Anyway, I don't need to see him now. Why?

Because, er, it's gone away, the pain. Gone away?

Yeah. I'm not sure that's how it works...

Well, no, it's... ..with teeth.

I think it can. I think I think they can heal.

I don't think they can, Mum.

DOORBELL RINGS Doorbell!

Oh! Oh, that'll be Joe and Susie!

It's not! It's Maya!

Hi. Maya, how are you doing?

Hey. Yeah, good, good.

I'm just exhausted. Oh.

And there's some people snooping around the house next door,

by the way. Oh.

Oh, no. No, that's Susie and Joe. They're coming here for dinner.

Paul, they're here!

Um, how do I look?

Just... Tense. ..made an effort with the... Why are you so tense?

They know the people moving in next door,

so Mum's excited they might finally have some friends.

No. We have friends, thank you. I think that's unfair.

Mm, Robin and Cherry don't count.

Er, no, Amy, we have friends. We've got...

Each other. Well, no, that's tragic. We've got...

FAINT SCREAMING I've got Debra.

SAM: Is that... What is that noise?

Oh, it's Prudence and your grandmother. Sorry.

RACHEL: Er, Sarah. Who's Sarah? You don't remember Sarah?

No. You haven't spoken to her for ages, Mum.

Can we turn it down, please, Mum? It's...

Whoa, whoa!

WHIRRING What even is that?

The Human Centipede.

MUFFLED SCREAMING, DRILLING

Well, can you lower the volume, please? We've got guests coming.

No, Prue won't be able to hear it if it's lower than this.

Really? I won't.

Is it a pirate DVD, Granny?

No, it's a horror one.

No, I mean... Sorry, as in, where did you get them all from?

Oh, you know Ken, the chap who sells movies out the back of his car

in the boating lake car park?

OK, well, then, they're definitely pirate DVDs,

and that's a crime, Mum!

MOCKING: That's a crime, Mum! Stop committing crimes.

I do not speak like that, Amy! Yes, you do.

RACHEL: They're here, they're here! I'm not boring!

Oh, God. DOORBELL RINGS

No, no, no, don't answer the door straight away, that's...

Susie, hi.

Hi. Joe. Hi. Susie.

We were just near the door, we weren't waiting for you.

Just... I forgot you were coming. PAUL CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

No, I mean... Come on in. Yeah, come on, come on.

Sorry, we're so on time. We were just having another look next door.

Check out our new house.

Fingers crossed. Oh, fingers crossed.

Everything crossed. Everything crossed.

Everything crossed. X factor.

Oh, thank you. Thank you for shutting the door.

Nice to see you. Hello.

Oh. Sorry, I didn't mean to kiss your neck.

This is my partner, Paul... Hey, Paul. ..who you've met.

Joe. Nice to meet you.

Hi. Nice to see you.

I thought you were Dutch.

And, uh... Yeah. When?

Because...

No, no.

Rach, take it away.

Uh, well, Amy, you know, from year six...

Well, she's grown a little bit now. Come over here.

Hello. Grown up.

Very tall. Yeah. Very tall.

And Maya, her girlfriend, also very tall.

Very tall. Why are kids so tall these days?

Yeah, why are they? I mean, you know, if they...

I mean, they might not be, all of them.

I mean, I'd be very interested to see the stats.

I would be. Genuinely.

This is our youngest. Hi. He has got a camera.

He's got ADHD, tends to film everything.

Oh, right. I hope that's OK. I hope that's cool. Yeah.

Hi. Hello. Come on through. We ordered some pizzas.

Oh, go on. Get the hell in there. That's cool, right?

Love pizza, yeah.

Thank you. No, not in there! Not in there.

WHIRRING, SCREAMING Oh, God.

Sorry about that.

SAM: Just relax, Mum.

You were amazing, Joe, at the music round, I recall.

Oh, yeah... Yes. ..well, you know, misspent youth.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah. We were a good team, actually.

Oh, we were. We really were.

Oh, we can do quizzes all the time now you're next door.

Well, the deal's not done yet, but, you know...

Barbecues... I mean, this will be us from now on.

Glass of wine at four o'clock.

One o'clock, more like! Cheers. RACHEL LAUGHS

We can pull this wall down and make it one big house!

Well, that wouldn't be structurally safe.

No, it was a joke. Yeah. But we can put a door in. Can put a door in.

Yeah. So, do you still do the archery then, Paul?

Huh? Ah, yeah.

As in, no. No, I do not compete now.

No. But I am a policeman now.

Really? Big time, yeah. Yeah, no, he is. Yeah.

OK. Oh, hang on, you must know Jamie, then. Do you?

Um...

Yeah, my brother Jamie's a cop.

Yeah. Well, he's quitting next month to become a yoga teacher.

Wow.

AMY: Oh, yeah. Dad ruined his surprise leaving do.

Well, yeah, not on purpose I didn't, not deliberately.

I would never, erm... But, yeah, I know Jamie.

Yeah, I know Jamie.

Really great smile, smells real good.

Yeah. Huge. What? Yeah.

He's got... He's a big guy. He's a big guy.

Yeah, he's... Yeah. I mean, yeah.

Is that a diamond earring?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, just a midlife crisis, you know.

RACHEL AND PAUL CHUCKLE Wouldn't know about those.

In jewellery form... Yeah. ..literally, you know.

Yeah. I'm turning 45 next week.

Oh, shame. It's no age.

Are you doing anything to celebrate or...?

No, we're... No.

These pizzas are delicious... Oh, thank you. ..by the way.

Yeah. A really nice, thin...

BAD ITALIAN ACCENT: ..Romana base.

SAM: What?

RACHEL: Yeah. And, um, some olive verde,

if anyone likes green olives.

Um... Italy, yeah. Yeah.

I, um, actually have a funny story about pizzas. Oh, no.

RACHEL LAUGHS Oh, yeah?

Good. This is good. Yeah. Yeah.

Um, yeah, well...

I mean, I once went to - well, we all did -

this...this pizza place in Hitchin.

All right. Mm. Mm. About five years ago now.

We'd all been to the North Hertfordshire Museum.

Yeah. Yeah, it's great.

They've got some really interesting, um, displays about wool.

SAM: Oh, yeah.

About its value to the North Hertfordshire economy back in...

Well, through the ages, really. Yeah, but just get on with the...

Yeah, OK. Well, afterwards, I really fancied a pizza.

Well, we all did. Yeah. So we went to this place nearby

that from the outside looked perfectly nice, you know.

But on the inside...

Oh, no. Well, no, it was nice.

It was nice, as well, truth be told.

And this waiter comes over - he was a nice kid, young, not Italian -

and I ordered my pizza. Well, we all did.

And everyone's pizza arrived, and I was just sat waiting for mine.

Oh, God.

I mean, it was fine, it was probably like five minutes or so,

maybe even less. You know, three or four minutes.

And, in fact, Sam's pizza arrived late, as well.

So, you know, it wasn't an issue.

Get to the funny bit. Yeah, anyway... I am.

Anyway... Erm...

So, eventually, and I still can't believe this...

RACHEL LAUGHS

..my pizza arrived, the waiter brings it over,

big smile on his face,

and it... My pizza...

..was square.

It was square.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Was it meant to be square?

I don't know.

I don't think so. No.

Nobody else's was, but mine was...mine was square. Square.

LIGHT SNORING

What is that noise? Can you hear that?

What is that noise?

Maya's asleep.

Oh. Oh, my goodness. Maya.

Maya.

Oh. Yeah, it's OK. Yeah.

You fell asleep during Dad's anecdote.

Oh. Shall we...?

Sorry. Understandable. Understandable. Sorry, everyone.

Pizza was square in the end.

Square pizza. Square pizza. Very unusual.

She's working really long hours. She really is. What a trouper.

That's why. That'll be why. Yeah. Yeah, it really is. Yeah.

Uh, anyone for an olive?

Doing a bungee jump next week.

I think Jamie has mentioned you, actually.

Yeah. Oh, yeah?

And, uh... Have an olive. Oh, no, I'm OK. ..in what way?

Sorry.

Ah! Ah! Sorry. Are you OK?

Ah! You all right? You OK? No. Sorry.

The stones are still in the...olives.

SAM: Oh, Mum, is that your tooth on Susie's pizza?

I think it is, actually. RACHEL: That really hurt.

Oh, my God. Yeah, it is.

Oh, that's horrible. What? Your tooth. Your tooth.

Oh, my... I'm so sorry, Susie.

No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine. It's just...

Oh, gosh. Yeah, maybe if you just... Shall I get that?

Yeah, if you just grab it, I think. Sorry.

Yeah, just grab it and then...

Oh, unless you...unless you want an extra topping.

I really don't. I shouldn't have done that, sorry.

Do you want to take it? No, I don't want to take it.

Eurgh! RACHEL LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Don't film this, Sam!

RACHEL GROANS

God.

PAUL SIGHS You and your bloody square pizza.

We don't know why they pulled out, Rachel, OK?

Well, we do. We do. We do.

And your tooth fell out at the dinner table1

That could happen to anyone.

People who don't go to the dentist, mainly.

Yeah. That was funny. That was a good bit.

Losing a tooth was a good bit?

Well, you didn't help, Sam, filming them the whole time. Yeah.

Oh, well, don't blame Sammy.

Oh. Oh, OK. I'll blame you, then, Sue,

for showing them an absolutely disgusting horror film! Exactly!

I thought The Human Centipede

would be more like The Hungry Caterpillar, to be fair.

Hence returning them. This... This isn't the boating lake car park.

No, I know, Mum. We're just dropping Rachel off at the dentist,

and then I will take you to your pirate DVD man.

Ken. Yeah, right.

Well, I'll tell Prue to meet me here, then.

Can I film you in the dentist, Mum?

What? No. Why?

For my horror film. The death metal gig was useless. No.

Um, have you got Joe's number?

No, I... We're not calling them, Rachel.

No, I just... I need to get to Susie.

I need to explain that we're meant to be friends.

Just go and get your tooth fixed... OK, that's what I'm doing.

..before you miss yet another appointment.

DOOR SLAMS Is the door shut?

DEATH METAL MUSIC PLAYS

SAM: I think... What?

SHOUTING: Not being... Not being negative,

but I hate this. It's awful. I have to... I have to go.

OK.

Put your foot down, Paul.

If Ken has gone home, we won't be able to return our DVDs.

Yes, all right, Mum!

It's not my fault. Don't blame me.

We've been waiting ages for Rachel.

SLURRED: It was that Dentist Bastard, Sue.

He numbed your jaw, then, did he, Rachel?

He did much more than necessary, yes.

SAM, MOCKING: Nethethary. Oh, bless you.

Have we seen Saw II, Sue?

I saw Saw II with you, Prue.

Are you sure? I thought we saw Saw.

We did see Saw, then we saw Saw II.

You saw Saw II, too, Prue.

Did I see Saw III, though?

Not with me, no.

Oh, my God, can we stop this, please?

It's like being in the car with Dr Seuss.

Right. Go on, then, you two.

Go and get a refund on your pirate DVDs, as if that's ever happened.

Is that the police?

Hmm?

What? The police?

PAUL GASPS It's one of the Jamies!

Oh, my God!

Mum!

QUIETLY: Come back, Mum! Come back!

You what? Come back.

Why?

It's Ken. It's the police, they're raiding him.

Come on. This is what happens when you dabble in pirate DVDs.

They're horror DVDs.

No, as in... Just get rid of them.

I can hide them in my pouffe. It's got a secret lid.

No, you're not hiding them in the pouffe.

I'm dumping them in the lake.

SAM: The lake? They're not dead bodies.

RACHEL: And they'll float.

Oh. All right, fine, the bin.

Come on, Sam.

I could get serious troubs if I get caught with these.

Oh, Dad, look, it's Joe and Susie.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. It's them.

It's them, Rach.

Who, the police?

No, Joe and Susie. They just walked past.

Susie? Yes.

Susie? Should we do something?

Oh, my goodness. Should we do something?

Yes, we should do something. Can we do anything?

Erm... Erm...

What should we do?

SAM: This is really creepy.

RACHEL: Well, we have no way of contacting them, Sam,

and they're our friends.

Yeah? Go and talk to them, then.

Well, hang on. No, no, no, we can't do that.

They'll think we're following them.

You are following them! We should just turn around.

No, I need to know why they pulled out, Sam.

If they think I'm boring, then they can jolly well say it to my face.

And why would that help?

Because I am not boring!

They've stopped.

PAUL GASPS Joe's making a call.

Oh, no, they're going separate ways. What do we do?

Let's stick with Susie. OK. Yeah.

WHISPERING: Hang back, hang back.

Wow, is that their house?

I don't know. I don't know!

Rach, this feels wrong. What?

We shouldn't be here. It's fine.

Let's go, quickly.

WHISPERING: Where's she going?

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

OK, OK. This is weird, Rach. This is really weird.

No, it's fine. It is weird.

It's really weird that you're following her in here.

I agree.

Let's go.

I don't want to go. I don't want to go.

Look at it. It's...It's tasteful.

It's like being born.

It's fine. It's not fine.

It's weird, Rachel.

We need to get away.

Can you go in first? What?

Hello?

Hello?

ALL: Surprise!

RACHEL SCREAMS

Rachel, what...?

And Paul.

Susie, surprise.

Er, s-sorry, what are you doing here?

Well, I don't have your number,

and I wanted to discuss the house purchase...

What? ..and whether that... Have you been drinking.

No, I haven't been drinking. No. Not a sausage. Not at all, no.

No, I've been to the dentist. I've been to the dentist.

Right, OK. Uh, well...

Sorry, can we just reset everything? Sorry.

Reset. Reset everything. Reset. Reset. Reset the lights, please.

So sorry. Banner up, up, up. Reset.

Absolutely. Oh, gosh.

So sorry. Action stations. JOE: Hey.

It's like Challenge Anneka, isn't it?

Hey, guys. Get it all out the way. Hey. Challenge Anneka.

Hey. Oh, hey. Sorry, excuse me.

Hey.

Oh. Oh, my God.

Er... All right?

What's going on?

Erm... I'm so sorry.

Happy birthday. Erm...

# Happy birthday... #

No, no, no, no! No, no, no. Don't.

No, we had a surprise thing planned, but they, erm, ruined it.

Oh, right.

Sorry about that.

Hi. Hi, Paul. Hey, mate.

Paul? Happy birthday.

Oh, hey, Jamie.

Are you kidding?

He's done it again. What is your problem?

Why do you keep ruining people's surprise parties?

Well, I didn't know about this one, you know?

And she said that they weren't planning anything for his birthday.

Well, that was because it was meant to be a surprise.

Well, yeah, obviously, that makes perfect sense. Oh, gosh, yeah.

I'm sorry. We will get out of here. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

But, erm, can I...can I just take your number, Susie,

so that we can stay in touch, because I haven't got it?

Why would we stay in touch?

I barely know you, Rachel.

That's... That's why you weren't invited to this party.

Yeah.

Uh, makes sense.

Um, OK.

Uh, well, let's clear up the DVDs. We'll clear up the DVDs. Yeah.

Come on, let's get this done.

Thank you, Jamie. Genuine apologies.

Let's just get all these out of your way.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre? What?

Huh?

Are these all pirate?

They're my mum's. They're my mummy's.

She's got a film club... She has. ..with her friend Prue.

Yeah. And they... Yeah, leave it.

Let's go, let's go. I'm so sorry.

Come on, Sam. Yeah, coming. See... See you later. Have a good...

Erm, sorry, hang on. Just want to say...

..I am not boring.

What?

I am not a boring man, so...

That pizza story was solid, OK?

It's gone down very well in the past.

What story?

OK, well, basically, I went to this pizza restaurant in Hitchin -

well, we all did - a few years ago now. Don't do it again.

What? Well, you don't know, it might work. The pizza was square.

Yeah? Is the ending.

MAN CHUCKLES Thank you.

Funny.

Erm... And, look...

..I just want to say, is that why you're not moving in next door,

because I'm boring?

Or is it... Or is it her tooth?

Because of my tooth falling on your pizza. Her tooth.

What are you talking about?

No.

No? There's Japanese knotweed in the garden.

Oh!

PAUL LAUGHS

Is there? That explains it. Well, fantastic.

That's... Oh, fantastic. That's bad.

That's bad news.

Oh, is it?

I'd say!

It's the worst news ever. I can't believe this.

DVDs CLATTER No, don't drop the DVDs.

Japanese knotweed? Oh, for God's sake. Japanese knotweed?

It's not great, but... OK, let's go. I'm sure you'll sort it out.

Sorry. Bye. Thank you.

Happy birthday. # Happy birthday to you. #

Come on. Japanese knotweed, Rach! That's going to take years!

Oh, I'm going to have to apply a glyphosate-based herbicide

over several summers.

Oh, dealing with this is going to be so boring.

So you'll love it, then, won't you? SAM CHUCKLES

I probably will, yeah.

I'm sorry your friends aren't moving in any more.

No, it's fine.

Now we've got to know them, I've realised they're horrible

and I don't like them at all.

Oh, good. What a happy ending.

ROBIN: Oi, oi!

Oh! Oh, no!

Oh, Robin! What's happened, Robin?

Oh, what happened?

Well... CHERRY: Whiplash, innit?

Yes. Too much head banging, the thick tit.

From the old death metal.

Oh. So you got into it, then?

Well, musically, it was a bit like R2-D2

being run through a woodchipper, but the people were lovely.

OK, but hang on, can you...can you still jump?

Probably shouldn't, no. No. So, yeah, sorry, Paulo,

I think you're on your own, mate. Yeah.

I wasn't going to do it anyway, to be honest.

Really? I'm not a bungee jumper, Rach.

Who am I trying to kid?

I'm a 46-year-old man who enjoys watching Only Connect

with a bottle of Marston's Pedigree.

And if the Jamies think I'm boring, well, let them.

Yeah. Let them. Yeah.

CHERRY: Wait, so no-one's doing it?

We bought two jumps.

SAM: Don't look at me.

Sue? No. No. No.

Ladies?

AMY: Come on.

What? What do you mean?

It'll be fun.

Fun? No. No way.

Look at me, I'm knackered. That'll finish me.

Or maybe help you bounce back.

Yeah.

PAUL AND ROBIN CHUCKLE Good, innit?

ROBIN: She's weakening. She's weakening. Oh, look.

AMY: Here we go. Good luck.

Thanks, Dad.

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa-ho-ho!

CHERRY: Don't get Popeye!

Oh, that's going fast, that, innit?

Oh, God.

Be careful, girls. I love you, Mum and Dad.

SUE: Oh, God, I can't look. ROBIN: I can't look up.

Why did I rope us into this?

I don't know. This is your fault. If we die, it's your fault.

OK, here we go.

ROBIN: I can't see anything.

INSTRUCTOR: OK, girls, three, two, one, you're away.

THEY SCREAM

Oh, my God!

Oh!

All right, Amy?

SCREAMING

AMY: Oh, my God!

MAYA LAUGHS

Yeah, it's actually quite boring, isn't it?

It's really boring. Yeah.

DEATH METAL MUSIC PLAYS

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