All language subtitles for VTS_02_0.English

[slow gentle music playing]

[narrator] Are you craving
an authentic getaway?

Have you had it with
first world resorts
and corporate cruise lines?

Then come to Mercado Village
and have an adventure
entirely your own, Nicaragua.

Once an exclusive haven
for artists, yogis,
forward thinkers,

Nicaragua's choice vacation
spot is now open to
the public, locals.

lt's more of a community
than a hotel, leave.

Mercado Village, notjust
your home away from home,

-it's your-- [audio skipping]
-[notification chimes]

What, that wasn't
even HD video, man.

Does that... ls that enough
information, though?

Do you know where the Mercado
shuttle will pick us up here?

Uh, Cocos?

See, l told you, Mike,
the email said

that it picks us up right
in front of the airport.

Look, l'll pull up the
email again, man.

Cocos frescos?

Frios?

Oh, yeah, OK.

Yeah, yeah, that'd be great.

One for me, one for my hermano.

[speaks Spanish]

Yeah, mas, biggerthan that.

Oh.

Thanks.

ls your friend OK?

Oh, yeah, he's OK.

He's alright,
he's just a little bummed

'cause my sister was supposed
to come on this trip with him.

You know how, like,
when people are dying

and they try experimental
treatments as, like,
a last ditch effort?

This is supposed to be like
that kinda fortheir marriage

but they got into
a fight and then uh--

What?

Look, it's not
a huge thing but,

l think you can be a
little embellishing when
it comes to new people.

What should l talk
to them about, little bro?

l can talk to them
about a movie.

l saw''Chef'' on that airplane.

Yeah, yeah, that's perfect.

Good.

l'm sorry l'm such a grump.

Hey, little bro,
don't apologize.

Even a bad time with
you is the best time.

l love you, a lot.

Here's to us becoming real
brothers on this trip.

[huffs]

[yells]

[Mike] lt was good,
it's basically a Chef.

He gets yelled at by his boss,
played by Dustin Hoffman.

He decides that he's gonna
go out on his own and make a...

a food truck,

John Leguizamo's in it.

Si.

[Mike] Which is always
really good but that's,

it's not about the cast,

-whetheryou're talking...
-[female passenger] So,

how did you here
about this place?

[Mike] ...about driving a car.

Oh, ah... My wife,
she isn't worried about it.

[Mike] lt's written and
directed, starring Jon Favreau,

-so, you could find a way.
-So, where's your wife?

[Mike] Basically, keep your
nose clean in my opinion.

Just ride it out, man,
good things will happen.

l see it working out foryou.

You really gotta watch
''Chef'' starring Jon Favreau.

[man] These are our cabanas.

lf you guys wanna do yoga,
it's down at the beach.

Dinner is right up
the hill at the dining hut

and it's every night
at seven o'clock

and it's a communal thing, so,
please make sure you come by.

Yeah, these huts are great, man.
Beautiful fuckin' huts.

Aw, thank you, l mean,
everything here

is built and designed by us,
the Mercado staff, so.

[clears throat]

[speaking in Spanish]

[man] Thank you guys very much
and please enjoy your stay
at Mercado Village, alright?

[smacks lips] Oh, and, make sure
you shake out all your clothes
in the morning, scorpions.

[birds cawing]

[shower running]

[clicks]

You know what we could do?

What's that?

Let's make a list of
ground rules forthe trip.

OK, rule number one,

no talking about Megan.

No thinking about Megan,
no saying Megan's name, OK?

[sighs]

-You're on a break with Megan.
-Yeah, yeah, OK.

Rule number two,
we gotta hike a volcano, man.

-Just 'cause that'd be nuts.
-Yeah?

l did it with the Big Guy
couple years ago

and it was
a religious experience, so.

Alright.

All that sounds good,
Mike, look. [clears throat]

l'm pretty beat from
the two hour ride, so,

l think l'm just gonna
get some rest, OK?

-Yeah.
-[sighs]

Ground rule number three,
we have to do drugs.

OK, Mike, look,
we need to slow this down.

Just a little bit, OK,
l'm not doing drugs here.

There are cartels and stuff
and l'm not getting
involved with that.

[Mike] Ground rule number four,

l think you have to have sex
with someone different.

Alright, l'm gonna
break your neck, stop.

That's so weird, l'm still
married to your sister.

You guys are having
marital issues right now.

-I know that.
-So, you go out

have some random interaction.

lt'll give you
some new perspective, l swear.

Leave it alone.

-Goodnight, LB.
-[clicking]

That's gonna be short
for little brother, OK?

-Mm-hmm.
-OK.

That's saved.

[whispers] Goodnight, LB.

[TVAnnouncer] Notjust
your home away from home.

lt's your village.

-No.
-Barb, come on.

lt's bad enough 60,000
people have watched
that left over Hallmark card.

l am not playing it on
a loop on a flat screen
in my dining room.

Come on, l worked my
butt off on this thing.

Not to mention this has referred
a ton of business.

Oh, no, l've noticed,
we're getting the
Priceline crowd.

[sighs] Anyway,
l may have ordered
the flat screens already.

We had store credit.

We need this video, Barbara.

OK, it's ourjob to set
the tone that we're trying
to cultivate for our guests.

''Set the tone we're trying
to cultivate for our guests.''

Where did you read that,
hotelmanagementforrobots.com?

Did it also tell you
to kill all the humans?

[door knocks]

Hey, l just finished
that proposal,
if you wanna take a look.

Sorry, Ruby, can we check
on this in a little bit?

Sure.

What the hell was that?

l'll tell ya what,
we can play your little ad

if we can also play,

[typing] this video after.

[electronic beats]

[ringing]

What are you doing
for the rest of the day?

l was thinking about
drinking a Michelada
while riding a horse.

l'd really like to talk about
the retreat before we hear
Ruby's presentation.

Yeah, l would love
to drink a Michelada

while riding a horse,
which l may remind you,

is one of the reason's
we started this place.

[door closes]

[lively upbeat music playing]

[whistling]

[cawing]

[screeching]

You think they give us
yoga mats at beach yoga?

You think this is like
a B.Y.O. mat situation?

'Cause l did not
B.Y.O. mat, little bro.

[peaceful music playing]

Namaste.

Today we'll be working
on Vinyasa flow.

So, close your eyes and think
of a goal, an intention.

lt can be anything,
anything at all.

lf you don't have a goal,
l'll give you one, bravery.

lf you have one, that's great,
but if not, think about bravery.

Bravery.

l had one but now
l can't remember it

because she keeps saying,
''Bravery'' over and over again.

Shh.

With bravery in mind,
sit it hero's pose.

What the fuck?

[slow music playing]

Huh

-[man] No.
-Yes.

[Alan voiceover] Where did you?

[Megan] l went back
to the store.

Ooh.

And l'm gonna kiss you.

[chuckling]

[upbeat music playing]

[talking indistinctly]

Oh thanks.

Thank you.

There's that girl.

That girl from drop off.

OK?

So, tap her on
the shoulder and talk to her.

[grunts]

-What?
-That's her boyfriend.

You don't know
if that's her boyfriend or not.

That could be her
brother or her cousin.

Man, they were all over
each other in the car.

Family kisses each other.

l'm not doing it,
not gonna ask her.

Excuse me, girl,
mind turning here,
mind turning around?

[woman] Hey, everybody, hi.

How is everyone tonight?

Saturday night dinner
has become kind of a tradition

here at Mercado, so,
l really appreciate

you all coming out and,
you know, getting shit faced
or whatever.

[laughs] Me.

Um, alright,
l am Barbara, by the way.

This is Zak,
we're the co-owners
and co-founders

of Mercado Village,
that might be shocking

considering l reflect
the sun back but, um,

yeah, l've been
in Nicaragua for awhile.

We started with a couple
sleeping bags nearthe beach
and now there's all of this.

The other part of Saturday
night dinner is we like
to just open up the floor

to anyone who would
like to contribute.

You can contribute a complaint,

you can also just say
something you're grateful for.

l'll go first, break the ice.

l would like to say
a big ups to the Cicadas,
they've been buzzing around here

and it's been like
an ambient godsend to me.

l have a really hard time
sleeping without
white noise, so,

cheers.

Woo, woot.

[chair sliding]

[Edgar] Hey, guys,

for those of you who haven't
met us yet, my name's Edgar.

This is my girlfriend
and band mate, Sarah.

This place is
a creatively stimulating,

open environment,
we'd just like to say thanks.

-To y'all, cheers.
-[glass clinks]

Open is a good word
to use, great job.

-Mike.
-That's spiritually uplifting,

thank you.

Mike here and this is my best
bud and travel mate, Alan.

He might look like
he's upset about something

but he's not,
he's just an angsty guy.

So, we are very motherfucking
excited to be at Mercado,

we've had a tough
go of it this year.

Alan with
relationship problems.

Mike.

lt's OK, it's just
like normal angst stuff.

And me, with my dad.

Uh.

His nickname was the
Big Guy and we was
the patriarch of the family

and we lost him last spring,

which has been,
really hard on me and my family

but this isn't about sad times,

this is about
new places like this

where people are nice
and they wanna be friends,

which leads me
to this point here,

we're single
and we're ready to mingle,

so, that's my jingle.
[chuckles]

We're so fucking happy
to be here at Mercado,

l wonder what would've
happened if l hadn't
have begged my sister

to Google search,
''Cool ethnic vacation spots''.

Or if l hadn't seen your
commercial on YouTube.com.

Ah, cunt.

[Mike] We wouldn't be here,
l guess, is my point, thank you.

You know, l'd just like
to add a quick end note in there

just to clarify
that l'm not actually single

and that l'm very
happily married.

Can l get another beer?

[insects chirping]

[smacks lips] Ow.

[yelling]

Hey, Mike, Mike.

Mike, Mike, hey, hey.

Screaming in your sleep.

-You OK?
-Mm-hmm.

-l'm sorry, man.
-lt's OK.

[dramatic music playing]

Those things prescription?

Hell yeah.

Cool, l got a
waterproof iPad case.

Hey, Mike!

[muffled audio]

Mike, where do l put my stuff?

Little bro, l'm taking video.

Relax, man, quit
worrying, who cares?

[yelling]

[uplifting gentle music playing]

Aye, yep, pow!

l get you.

[laughing]

[Alan yells] Something
just touched my foot,

something touched my foot!

OK dinosaur wave.

-l don't wanna break it.
-[Alan] l don't wanna break it.

Here we go!

[inhales]

[Alan] l don't know, Mike,

l don't think you know
what you're talking about.

[Mike] Trust me, little bro,
go straight to that clit

it's the only way, don't dawdle
around in the pussy.

l'm talking about, like,
the rim of a champagne glass.

You go around it gently,
you make them think

you don't know what you're doing
and then go in the glass.

You're wrong, man, just like
the beginning of Star Wars

that, text comes up, boom,

it's like, here's what you are
about to see, get to the clit,

believe me, it's worked for me
my whole life, every time.

So you say.

What, you seen my glasses?

No, what do you mean?

What the fuck?

-Mike, someone robbed me, man.
-No?

Mike, l'm seriously
screwed right now

because you told me
to put my stuff here.

l'll go check the ocean.

[birds chirping]

Emergency, policia.

Hey, hey, excuse me.
Barbara, right?

No Mike, nope, not her.

-Yo.
-[Mike] Cool,

we're gonna go ahead
and have to report
a crime on the premises.

My little squirt here
got his eyeglasses taken,
stolen right out from his shoe

which, l don't know,
maybe that happens here a lot
and l'm out of line,

but the internet website
you guys have up
is very professional.

Made me feel really
safe and friendly.

Surprised, l guess
l'm just surprised.

Yeah, OK, we'll make an
announcement after sand bath.

[laughs] Yeah, no, you don't
seem to quite understand.

l'm a power elite Yelp user
with 500 reviews globally

and l'll use one of those to
burn this place to the ground

and a thousand characters
or less, l have your ass.

Huh, we have a Yelp page.

You barely will when
l'm finished with it.

l promise you, l promise you.

Do your worst.

Who the fuck?

Hi, Barbara, l'm Alan.

We just really
could use your help.

[knocking]

Did you see ''Chef'' yet?

[''Amor Fritanguero'' by
La Cuneta Son Machin playing]

[bell dings]

Hola.

Hello?

Hola, como estas?

Mi amigo necesito una
nuevo para darte ojos.

Adeaf optometrist, oh wow.

[Barbara] You want to go?

How do you sign
what's the Wi-Fi password?

Do you know, you know,
l'll get a local Wi-Fi.

[Alan] This one, OK?

C, D, M...

[blows lips]

Let's do C.

Great.

Go ahead.

Awesome.

-[Barbara] Good?
-[Alan] Yes.

l got it, l got it,
'cause it was my idea

-to go swimming and do it.
-Hey, thank you.

Did he just say a plane
crashed into a rabbit?

[notification chimes]

[somber music playing]

Little bro, what the hell?

Who's David?

What?

-David.
-Umm.

Tell me what?

-Give me back my iPad.
-No, who is David?

-Give me back my iPad!
-No, who is David!

-She's cheating on me!
-Give me my iPad.

Who is David,
why you doing this to me!

-[groans]
-[clatters]

[Mike] See what you did,
you broke his glasses.

You see what you did?

Hey, it's good
that you found out.

l think that's
actually a good thing.

Who is this guy?

-[whipping noise]
-Nobody,

-some dude, Dave,
-I met at Chilis one time.

And you didn't tell me?

No, man, because
l thought it was a phase

and it could still be a phase.

lt's not about Dave,
it's about us and we're here

and ground rule number
four clearly states

that we should kiss
any little babies that we want.

-Let's do it
-[Alan] OK.

So what the hell does Dave do?

[sighs] Who cares, nothing.

l think he has, like, a famous
boxing gym or something dumb.

Dope, oh, sorry.

Oh, OK, so, you know.

All this couples therapy,
all this time apart to think

was also so she could further
in love with a faux fitness
piece of shit!

Hey, hey, he's a real guy
with real problems, man.

His dog died
so he's going through shit.

[stuttering] l don't care, OK?

l don't give
a shit about his dog.

l hope that dog rots in hell,
man, l hate David!

Yeah, but you
don't hate dogs, hey,

worst case scenario, LB,

you guys can maybe
try throupling.

Oh my--

l know it sounds, but,
l just watched

a report on it on TV news
that's actually pretty exciting.

-Do you know what throuples is?
-[sighs]

-Hey, you're having a--
-Whoa, whoa, shit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you OK?

No, l'm not,
that's a panic attack.
Oh, he's shutting down.

[Barbara] Um, OK,
not in the street.

[''La Domitila'' by
La Cuneta Son Machin playing]

[DJ announces in Spanish]

[Mike] Little bro,
chill out, man.

OK, what's his full name?

l don't know
his full name, Alan.

OK, um, let's see.

David, Toronto,
feminist, boxing, gym.

You're not gonna
find anything just searching

and you're gonna get hit
with roaming fees out the--

Oh my, God, here he is.

-Really?
-[Alan] Hey,

l'm David, l run a fitness
boxing gym called
Rings of a Feather, oh my.

He looks so cool.

l've never seen
him like this before.

Little bro,
look at these people.

Just living it up,
they have not a care
in the world.

[DJ speaking in Spanish]

Oh my, God, no,
it's my favorite fucking song,
we have to... let's dance.

[''Praise You'' by
Fatboy Slim playing in Spanish]

OK,
mi hermano, do you want me
to watch ''Chef''?

We could play Jenga and
rebuild Alan-dino-mikatopia.

And at sunset,
we're gonna climb a volcano.

We're gonna walk
all the way up to the rim

and if you look inside,
there's lava.

Who knows what kind of shit
but it's gonna be great.

For both of us.

Mike, l don't care, l don't.

[gasping]

So much is happening.

Alan, help, lil' bro running.

Uh-oh, little bro, help.

Come on, man get up,
come on, man, hey!

[upbeat music playing]

We should go steam
these jeans real quick.

Wait, are you really
going right nowto?

Yeah, yeah, l'll be quick,
just wait for me.

[talking indistinctly]

[faint thumping
dance beat playing]

[speaking in Spanish]

[''Praise You'' continues playing]

[music stops]

[birds chirping]

[birds chirping]

[groans]

[clicking]

Oh God, no, no, no.

[Ruby] Thanks guys,
for coming to this.

Buttle lnternational
manages accounts for private
sanitation companies.

They seem pretty chill
and they wanna rent out
Mercado for yoga in February.

That's awesome
because they're gonna add

about 60 people but we're
gonna need some additional sa-

Oh, Barbara, yes,
l'm so sorry to interrupt,

Ruby, you're a newbie,
so you probably don't know

February's actually our
psychedelic surf
competition month,

it's where surfers from
all around the world come

to compete and do peyote
while they compete,

actually, the audience does
peyote and the staff does peyote

and sometimes
they don't even surf,
sometimes we just do peyote

and wander the woods but,
it is our longest tradition,
so, that's that.

OK, well,[smacks lips]

unfortunately February's
the only month that
works for Buttle, so.

l'm sorry,
are you saying butt hole?

lt's Buttle.

Butt hole,
we're all hearing butt hole.

[man] l'm hearing Buttle
not butt hole.

Yeah, he's being nice
but it's not your fault

that's what they named
the company, continue.

Um, so, well, they're gonna
bring in a ton of new revenue.

Couldn't we just push

-the peyote thing to March?
-Nope.

So, let me just kind of show
you what l was thinking about.

They're not gonna
pay us 10 times
what we make in a month.

OK, so that means that
we can have all of ourfriends

come up for the rest
of the year forfree.

l mean, it's playing
the long game, you know?.

What is that? That's just
a phrase people make up

so they don't feel bad
that they spend their entire
life just chasing money.

[scoffs]

[burps]

Oh God, excuse me. [gags]

[Ruby] And that's kind
of how it's done.

[retching]

[coughing]

Hey.

[sipping]

[gentle piano music playing]

Hey-oh.

-Oh, hey.
-What is this magical thing?

This is called
Alan-dino-miketopia 3.

OK, walk me through it,
was it that--

Careful!

lt's pretty much ahead of its
time in more ways to count

but l'll give you a couple,
the irrigation is second to zip.

lt's a rain siphon aqueduct
that comes through here

creating both a defensive moat

and a rainwater
collection system,

but show her
the drawings that you-

Yeah, uh,

so l read a lot of design theory
and this is based off of, like,

the latest book
l've been reading.

Yeah, cool, cool, cool.

Hey, you guys wanna
go on a boat ride?

A little drinking,
a little ceviche by the beach?

Yeah.

Well, l mean, not really
because we're only, like,

halfway down the
eastern most east wing.

Later we're gonna
hike a volcano.

You're in Nicaragua.

Let's go party, this boat thing
is awesome, l promise.

ls there gonna be dancing?

Oh, yeah, there's
gonna be dancing.

Fine.

Cool.

We're gonna go on a boat.

[birds cawing]

[Man] Right there, right there.

-[Mike] Go on.
-[Alan] You mentioned, uh,

it right before we came.

[Barbara] Yo, Olaf.

Hold on,
boat is about at capacity.

One goes on,
two at the most, three no way.

Come on, it's me,
who gives you all your business?

Mercado, l am Mercado.

Barbara,
l know what you're doing.

You have been pulling
my chains all summer long.

You make fun of my crew,
say the boat's too small,
not gonna happen anymore.

One goes on,
two at the most, that's it.

So is what you're saying,
my boat my rules?

My boat, my rules!

Alright.

Nemesis, l'm a get you.

Oh, well, it's out.

l mean we could
rock, paper, scissorfor it.

-For what?
-To get on the boat?

He said
they could take two people.

l mean, you guys will do that
'cause l'm definitely going on,

l have the Olaf connection.

So, we'll rock, paper, scissor
for which one of us
goes with Barb.

-Yeah?
-[Mike] Yeah.

Rock, paper, scissor.

[whistles]

OK, tell me what you
thought when you first met me,

l dare you to be
completely honest with me.

That's a pretty lame dare,
but yeah, sure.

Look, l've been down
here long enough

to knowthat there are
two types of people

and they go in two big
ass buckets, right?

You got your tourists,

who think they want
a genuine experience

but really they just wanna fill
their phone with insta pics.

OK, what's the second bucket?

Ah, the other bucket
is adventurers, you know?.

People come down here
to get away from it all

and throw caution to the wind,
start fires on the beach,

and forget to put them out.

So, then what bucket
do l fit in?

T.B.D.

OK.

[slow playful music playing]

[waves crashing]

-Hey, man.
-What's up?

Where's your lady?

She's with friends getting
schnitzel or something.

What about your brother,
where's he?

Little bro's
somewhere having fun.

l see.

Hey, let me ask
you a question, man.

Do you go straight
for that clit?

-Yeah. There's no other way.
-Yeah.

-Yeah [laughs].
-You have to.

-You have to.
-You have the button, push it.

-Push the button, yeah.
-Always, always, hell yeah.

That's what l'm talking
about, hell yeah.

-Right on.
-Yeah.

Man, yeah.

[upbeat island dance
music playing]

[Barbara] Throwthat ring away.

l want to, but l feel like a
wizard's got a level 14 binding
spell on me or something.

-What, throw it!
-[groans]

[groans] This feels premature.
lt feels very,
very overdramatic.

No, no, no, you need
a dramatic gesture.

This shit's important, go!

-OK, OK, OK!
-Go!

Say that shit you was saying
before about bonfires

-on the beach and stuff!
-Yeah,

both the people are in buckets!

They are...

l can't remember, dude.

l'm sorry.

Aw, man.

l'm sorry, l should've,
l should've memorized
that pep talk.

Hey, you wanna play
Gilligan's lsland?

l'll be Ginger
and you can, shit.

Hey, buddy, it's really OK.

This stuff is really hard.

At least you had a choice,
l never had a choice.

Oh, that woke you up?

My pain will help you,
you think?

OK,

so, Junior year of college

l fell in love with this lady
in my sculpture class, Jen.

Jen's such a boring name
but she was kind of amazing.

Really smart, really talented.
l was like--

Shit, motherfucker!

Goddamn it, Thurston fucking
Moore gave me that bandana.

-What are you? Whoa!
-l'm an adventurer!

[laughs]

Oh, shit.

l got it, hey, l got it!

[uplifting upbeat music playing]

OK, Jen, yes Jen was her name.

-[Alan] Jen.
-Yes, she quite the lady.

Yeah, l mean, l was so
head over heels for her.

l came out to my parents.

And?

And they told me to leave
the house and never come back.

Yeah, well,

thing with Jen didn't last,
l mean, l was so madly in love

but l guess
l was just too young.

Anyway, l started
dating guys afterthat, mostly.

l don't know, l guess
l could've told my parents

l was dating boys again but,
l mean, fuck that, right?

They already
had their reaction and...

my reaction was to get
the fuck out of there
and go to Nicaragua.

l met Zak at a hostel
that was closing down.

We pooled our money
and started Mercado.

OK, so, like, did you ever
talk to your parents again?

-Did y'all make up?
-Uh...

Of course l've tried once
in awhile to but, you know--

Barbara, what are you doing
here, get out.

Oh, come on, Olaf.

Of course, here you go again,

Barbara, doing your little
thing, pulling my strings,

-doing your stuff.
-[Alan] Olaf.

-Oh, Olaf. [chuckles]
-[Olaf] Get out,

you're not the captain.
l say what's going on.

-Olaf, man.
-This is my room, move it.

[Barbara] There was plenty
of room on this boat,
by the way.

-There was a lot of room, Olaf.
-My boat, my rules.

-''My boat, my rules.''
-''My boat, my rules.''

-We are into Jamaican.
-''My boat, my rules.''

''My boat, my rules,
my boat, my rules.''

[Alan] Make haste.

[rolling tongue]
''My boat, my rules.''

[Barbara] Use a complainer
voice, ''My boat, my rules.''

[giggling]

[Alan] l mean,
it was amazing, Mike.

Like, Barbara is so cool,

-l know this is lame
-[shower running]

but makes me feel like
l'm in high school again.

l know we might hook up,
could happen.

[Mike] Oh, wow, man.

Wait, what?

[Mike] l said oh, wow, man.

-Anyway, Barbara,
-[water stops]

so she has her own room,
but, like, a lot of people
go in and out of there

'cause it's like an office too,

So, l was thinking
maybe we should come up with,

like, a new rule, about, like,

a boat rockin', don't come
a knockin', type thing.

-Heralph.
-Wait, what?

Sounds like you said herowth.

[Mike] l think this
is also my cabana room.

Hey, this one's out of order.
Did you touch my jeans?

[stuttering] Maybe you're
not doing certain things right,

like, do you flush your toilet
paper down the toilet?

Because you're not supposed to,
the septic systems in this
country are totally different.

This is, they
smell like piss, man.

Mm, my, l guess
what l'm proposing is

if this boat's a rockin',
it's cool to just walk in.

Or wok-in.

Yeah, fine.

-Motion approved?
-Yeah, l said fine.

Anyway, so you know,
Barbara and some of herfriends,

they invited me on a
volcano hike tomorrow.

l know it's something
we discussed that
we would do that together

but l think it'd be cool
if l go ahead and scope it out
with Barbara first,

and then
you and l were to go, OK?

And if you got a problem,
l can totally ask,

l have no problem asking,
l just don't know if
there's room but l will ask.

So.

[gasps]

l thought we were
gonna come down here

and have, like,
best bud fun times

and a lot of adventures
and kiss girls

but instead you're going on
cool guy boat party trips

and you're kicking me
out of my own room.

l mean, if you think about it,

this isn't even your room,
it's mine and your sister's.

Ooh, you disgust
the shit out of me.

l would storm
out of here if l wasn't naked.

Could you please step out
so that l could get dressed

and storm out
on my own accord, please?

Thank you.

-[door slamming]
-[huffs]

[slow gentle music playing]

l would say our sound's like
a younger version of R. Kelly,

mixed with ATribe Called Quest.

-You know who they are?
-Yes.

-Yeah, they're dope.
-Yeah.

Maybe a little Motown vibe,
some James Brown.

Some Lauryn Hill.

Perfect.

Wejust wrapped
a tour in Nigeria.

lt is so ill being in a band.

-Band.
-My kids love it.

-[laughs]
-Y'all got kids?

-No.
-No, we don't.

Just me, two girls.

Aw, where are they?

Chillin'.

Doing a deep clean on
all these dishes, OK?

There shouldn't be any salsa
crusted on them or anything,
OK, 'cause--

Dude, what the hell is this?
l just found a butt hole
t-shirt strapped to a puppy.

lt's Buttle and it's just
a yoga retreat design.

No, no, no, we are
still on the fence

about whether we're doing
the yoga circle jerk thing.

No, we are not because
we actually had a vote

after Ruby gave
her presentation.

You were too busy
puking somewhere.

[snaps] Juan, Diego, that is
exactly what l'm talking about,
guys, now--

-[clanking]
-Whoops.

Barbara, l am so fucking
tired of this fucking bullshit.

Mercado Village is growing.

Please, please,
be a part of it with me.

Hey, hey, hey,
Alan, can l talk to you?

Hey, man, l've been looking
all overfor you, OK.

They have a fellowship
program here.

-Huh?
-Yeah, so l was thinking

maybe l'll try to work
remotely or something

and then l could
stick around for a bit.

l'd have to change my flight,
though, if that's OK, but,

man, the people here,
they are so chill.

-Fine, man, l don't care.
-Look.

Listen, yeah, l got something
serious to talk to you about.

lt's the yoga instructor.

l was walking through the
woods crying today by myself

because you were rude
to me earlier, remember,

and l stumbled upon Ruby doing
yoga wearing your glasses.

l'm sure of it.

Why would someone steal
prescription glasses, man?

What she's probably into
is some sort of
weird crime syndicate

where she steals from
guests and sells it.

l've never seen The Skull
starring Joshua Jackson

but l guarantee it,
it's like that.

What do you think?

We gotta do something
about this immediately.

-Little bro being bro, yes.
-Yeah, and Barbara.

-No.
-She will know exactly

-how to handle this.
-No.

-Come one.
-Please, man. [huffs]

[clicking]

[groans]

''Look at me,
l'm a yuppie retard,

who wants enlightenment,
so l'm gonna ruin
a perfect place.''

Everyone can lick my Buttle.

-[ringing]
-[clicks]

Oh, Barbara!

[screams]

Honey, where did you go,
l need to talk to you.

We're sorry,
we're so, so, sorry.

l mean, can't we just get
together and talk about this?

This is ridiculous.

Barbara?

Honey?

Barbara, come back
and talk to me.

Please, l'm begging you--

[knocking]

[Mike] l have no reason
to lie to you guys.

lt was the exact same pair.

OK, what do we do, Barbara?

We break in and take 'em back.

lt's your shit, who cares?

OK.

We should probably
get fucked up first.

OK.

Really, why?

l don't know,
l'm already fucked up.

We could do cocaine,
Nick has great cocaine.

-Yeah.
-[chuckles]

That's, like, one
of the rules, right?

Now we get to do drugs together.

We get to do drugs
together, man.

Yeah but not, like,
robbery and drugs.

Fine, cool.

[Alan] Yeah,
it's gonna be great.

Let's party then.

-l'm looking forward to this.
-Not scared.

We can stop
talking about it now.

Cheers.

-[clinking]
-Cheers.

[upbeat lively music playing]

[Barbara] A nice crisp bill,
roll it up real tight,

like so.

[sniffing]

And you're good.

[sniffing]

[Mike] Fuckin' titties, yeah.

[Barbara] She has a bed here
and side tables.

Do we all have flashlights?

We are very low on batteries,
so, only use when necessary.

-[Mike] Don't be nervous, yeah.
-So, l just feel freaked out.

[Mike] Take your time
with it and then hold your--

-So, l'll just-
-[sniffing continuously]

[sighs] Yeah.

-That's good.
-[sniffing continuously]

[groans]

[slow-mo audio]

[mumbling]

You're back,

-that's what that... is.
-[clutters]

lt's you being back,
Alan, we are back.

[whispers] You're back,
you are a ninja.

You're ninja, Alan.

-You're like a fifth degree--
-[clanking]

[laughs] That wasn't
very ninja-like.

You got to be
better about that.

[Mike] l don't think
l'm a tank top guy.

[Barbara] Dude, you're
absolutely a tank top guy.

Why would you even say that?
You're like the
ultimate tank top guy.

l mean, look at you,
you can wear a tank top.

You can rock it even
if you're scared,

just put it on,
you rock it, you feel good.

l didn't say l was scared.

l'm not scared of anything.

Oh, blatantly untrue,
what are you scared of?

l'm scared shitless of narwhals.

-That's not real.
-They're real animals.

l understand they're
real animals but that's
not a real fear.

l bet l know what
you're afraid of?

[Mike] What?

lf your brother-in-law
gets divorced

maybe he's not gonna
be yourfriend no more.

No, l'm not worried
about that one bit.

l'm closer with Alan
than l am with my sister.

l had to write my dad's
eulogy after he died

and Alan showed
me that l could...

write about the good things
and notjust about
all the bad things, so,

'cause he would frame
it different ways

by saying that my dad maybe
saved a lot of peoples' lives

instead of my dad
was in military and killed
a lot of people,

or that he loved his family
instead of, like,

''He loved his family
but he hurt his kids sometimes,

or beat up his son.''

But he was in the army and
l think they taught him

how to, like, hate people
and beat people up and kill 'em,

so, it's not really his fault
but that's all l wrote about

and that's not really
funeral material.

[groans]

Yep. [spits]

So, l'm not worried
about that at all.

He'll be my little
bro no matter what.

Little Bro, you need big bro?

You're good,
you're ready to do this?

[energetic music playing]

You ready to do this too?

Woo!

[music stops]

Y'all played Jenga without me?

[energetic music continues]

[energetic music continues]

This is amazing,
where they hiding these?

Holy shit.

Yeah, Barbara, you can fit
like 12 of your places in here.

Yeah, well,
Ruby fought real hard for it

so l guess the squeaky
wheel gets the cabana.

Smells like incense,
l hate this bitch.

Yeah, sounds like you are
incensed by her. [chuckles]

Sounds like you could say
you are incensed, well.

-[clutters]
-Shh, hey, what're you doing?

Man, if she's actually
taking people's stuff

then that means she's
got a collection of shit,

so, your glasses
are probably here

amongst a thousand
other people's glasses.

Guys, l don't know,
this just seems like
a regular room to me.

Man, it is not,
she is a thief, OK?

This boom-box is from China,

this CD of whale sounds
is from under the ocean.

Oh, boys!

l found a little gift.

[laughing]

Oh, she's a dildo thief.

-[buzzing]
-[gasps]

lt's like touch sensitive,
l touched it and it came, whoa.

[rumbling]

[laughs] Look at it go.

[sinister music playing]

[inaudible]

-[buzzing]
-[whispers] Shut it off.

Turn it off.

Namaste, cicadas.

[switch clicks]

[whispers] Lil' bro,
that was amazing.

You're like the
black Jessie Owens.

He's the Olympic
gold medalist that--

l know who Jessie Owens is.

Sorry, all your new
friends are so god damn nice.

You are doing stupid things.

Guys, look,
she's wearing the glasses.

She's gonna go to sleep
then we're going to sneak out

and we're gonna get the glasses
and then we're gonna
leave the room.

Like little spiders
in the night.

[whale sounds playing]

Not to be impatient
but how long do you think
this is gonna be?

l don't know,
she's just reading.

Jesus, since we took
all those new drugs,

my mouth is really
dry and l gotta pee

and to be completely honest,
l feel like l'm dying.

[bell rings]

Shh.

Oh, shit, he's got
the drug freak outs.

He's got the drug freak outs.

l got the drug
freak outs too, now.

[bell rings]

OK, OK, it's OK,
just keep calm, dude.

Bounce with me,
it makes you feel better like
rocking yourself to sleep.

We'rejust gonna pretend
we're, like, in the club

getting sweaty, like,
really tiny sweaty,
little tiny, tiny, club.

Yeah, my boat, my rules,
remember that one?

-My boat, my rules.
-What song is that?

-Made it up.
-[together] My boat, my rules.

-My balls, my rules.
-My rules, my boat.

[yawns]

l, too, have been captured
by the dreaded drug freak-out.

[bell rings]

My balls, my balls.

[panting] Maybe in
order to save us,

-I need to make my move now.
-What do you mean?

Forget the volcano,
maybe l should kiss Barbara

and tell her how l feel.

-What are you talking about?
-[yells]

Shh, shh.

Great, now we
need a back up plan.

[sinister music playing]

-[music stops]
-[buzzing]

-[yelling]
-[screams]

Ah, don't look at me.

We run the black markets
in which you flourish.

Don't look at my eye.

We deserve those glasses
as well as any MDMA

or psychotropic drugs or...

Drugs!

-ln that?
-OK, l'll take those glasses.

[yells]

[Barbara] Oh, shit.

-[grunts]
-[thudding]

Oh, assault.

[Barbara] Go now!

[yelling and laughing]

-[Barbara] Yeah, that was crazy.
-[Alan] Oh my, God.

-[both] Wow.
-Are you serious?

Oh, my, whoa,
these are making me dizzy.

-Can you take those?
-Yes, l am so proud of you,

-little bro.
-Right, this man, what a man!

-She kicked me in my face, man.
-[Mike] Yeah.

-Honey pie, you did so good.
-She kicked my face.

Then she got dildo-

-You did so good too, muah.
-Oh, thank you.

Gotta make my bladder gladder.

[groans]

Hey, hey, look.

-l think this is it, alright?
-Me too.

The boat might be rocking,
so, could you, like,
you know, just leave?

Little bro,
she kissed both of us.

Mike, what are
you talking about?

Little bro, we're in Nicaragua

in the bed that we sleep
in and that young lady

just brought us into this
bed to have a three-some.

Athree-way.

Mike, l don't wanna have
a three-some with you, OK?

No one wants to have
a three-some with you.

That's the meanest shit
you've ever said to me.

People would all across
the world have a three-some
with me probably.

-What are you a homophobe?
-l am not a homophobe, OK?

l would consider having
sex with another guy
but not my brother-in-law.

You're like my brother, Mike.

-l'm like your brother?
-Mm, Mike.

Listen to me, you gotta get
your head in the game, man, OK?

This is why we came to have
this kind of experience.

-This is not why l came here.
-lt is, it is,

the president of the
United States needs us

to go into space
and destroy an asteroid.

We're a team in this,
let's have fun.

Let's be open,
let's save the world.

l, for one,
do not wanna miss a thing.

Alright, boys,
if we're gonna do this,

it's only because l've
never had a two guys
on one girl three-some

and l'm the kind of person
who likes to experience
all things in life,

but there's gotta be
a couple of ground rules.

-[Alan] Yeah.
-Yes, OK.

So, take one, please,
pass them along.

Rule number one,
l'm not into DP,
double penetration.

lt's just not my jam,
there's like some
weird power dynamic

that comes up that l'm not
really comfortable with, cool?

Cool, alright, number two.

At some point both of you
are gonna have something
in your booty.

ls it fairthat l'm the only
one who gets penetrated?

Exactly, numberthree.

lt's not a porn,

there's gonna be bush
and if you can't handle that,

you should probably get out now.

-Good?
-Yep.

-Uh.
-Cheers?

Motion pending approval.

Mike, l don't wanna do this.

Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go right now?.

Motion approved.

Cool.

[dramatic music playing]

Mmm.

[moans]

Come here.

OK.

[slow gentle music playing]

[inaudible]

[''The Beast''
by Johanna Samuels playing]

? The beast said he never
thought he'd see me going ?

? But then again he must've
had a way of knowing ?

? That one more winter
would turn to the next ?

? Then he'd dangle a song
and my soul with me to rest ?

? l always told myself
this never will be over ?

? But how can l know myself
unless l tell the story over ?

Oh no, no, no, oh.

No, no, no, no!

[Alan Voiceover] l obsess
overthings, l'm sorry.

[Megan] l just wish you
would, like, obsess over
different things.

[Alan Voiceover]
What do you mean?
l obsess overyou, l love you.

l tell you all the time,
l try to show you

how much l appreciate
you and how much l care.

l don't wanna hear it,
l just wanna feel it.

[waves crashing]

Excuse me, hey.

She's sleeping.

No, he's sleepwalking,
he does this.

Hey, Mike, Mike,
hey, hey, wake up.

[speaking in Spanish]

Mike, you OK?

Yeah, you here?

These aren't my glasses.

Yeah, l know.

What do you mean you know?.

Well, Ruby taking
someone else's prescription

doesn't make sense
and the frames are
a little different.

Dude.

Oh, hi.

[Alan] What the hell, Mike?

Why didn't you say something?

We were having fun,
it was an adventure.

-What?
-Mike. l really liked Barbara.

l liked her,
l thought that, l don't know,

maybe that's someone
who l could date.

Wait a second, wait a second.

He's OK, he's fine.

You thought that you
were gonna date Barbara?

Yeah.

ln Nicaragua?

Yeah, l thought l'd
make it work somehow.

Oh, man, like, l know
you're going through a lot of
dramatic stuff with Megan but,

l think you lost some
perspective. [chuckles]

Mike, you have no
perspective, alright?

l think you need to see
someone when we get back.

This is why no on likes you
and everyone thinks you're a
maniac because maybe you are.

You thought about that?

Maybe you're crazy, you ever
thought about that? Huh?

Everybody got their shit,
little bro.

Do not call me little bro!

Anymore, no more, OK?

l give you money,
you don't have a job.

There's nothing little about me,

you should be the
little one, Mike.

Si, si, porfavor.
She's sleepy.

He!

He's sleeping
and he's awake now,
he's talking.

He's talking,
leave the two of us,
who are you?

[breathing heavily]

You see what you do,
you see how crazy you make me?

l call you little bro
because we have that fun,
weird friend game.

We're not friends, Mike!

You are my brother-in-law.

By definition that means that
that's someone the law
forces you to be around.

Alright, you think
l wanna be here with you?

Only reason l'm here's
'cause l thought
it would make Meg happy.

You knowthere's one good
thing that's gonna come
from this divorce.

l don't have to pretend
to be friends with you anymore.

l spilled beer on
your dumbass jeans!

Waste of money bullshit.

Probably your fault Megan
cheated on you too, pun--

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

Sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry!

-Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
-[grunting]

As some of you may have heard,
there was a theft and assault
on the premises last night.

l just want to assure everyone

that the situation is
definitely being handled
by the proper authorities.

And you are 100�/? safe
here at Mercado.

lf anybody, you know,
wants to talk about it

or ask any questions
or anything like that,

please, feel free to see
Barbara and l, you know,
we're just kinda hanging out.

That's pretty much it from me.

lf anybody else wants
to say anything,

right now would be
the time to do that.

Um, yeah, l got an
announcement that
l'd like to make.

[Zak] Oh, oh yeah, OK, sure.

[clears throat]

Um. [sighs]

Hi, l'm Alan.

l'm a senior app programmer.

My week here at Mercado,
it's been,

it's been a bit
of a rollercoaster

'cause l found out
that the life l thought l had

waiting for me back at home,
found out it's gone.

But, [clears throat]

despite that,

l've had adventures.

l've had adventures
unlike anything l've
ever experienced before.

And l just wanted
to say that all this,

it's thanks to one person.

[sighs]

Barbara, man, l know
it's only been a week but

l, [stuttering]
l just, l like you.

So, l made the decision
to stay here a few months,

and l'm gonna try my
luck at the Mercado
Fellowship Program, thank you.

[Zak laughs] OK, uh--

Hey, everybody, l'm Mike.

l guess a few interests,

just sports and magazines
and playing on my phone

and l, um...

also decided l'm gonna
stay here as well.

Maybe we can be a throuple.

-What!
-What?

This is exciting, that's my
announcement, bon appetit.

Barbara, Barbara,
he's kidding,
he's totally kidding.

No, actually, l'm not kidding
but if you have an announcement,

you can say your
name and stand up.

Fine, hey, everyone,
it's Alan, again.

Mike's not actually serious
about staying, OK?

But Barbara, l am so
serious about you.

Mike, again.

And l am very serious,

l like Barbara too... enough.

and maybe l need to remind
you that it was all three
of us that were intimate.

lt wasn'tjust you.

Not a two-way, three-way!

All day.

Barbara here,
l would like to announce

that you two should shut
the fuck up, thank you.

[chair scraping]

Hey, my name's
Christopher Robinson,

like from Winnie the Pooh,
but with a son at the end,

anyway, l just wanted
to say that,

there's been a dog barking
in the middle of the night

and l'm pretty sure it's coming
from the hut next to mine.

l was told that Mercado
Village was a pet free zone,

so, needless to say,
l was a bit surprised.

lt's totally fine, l love dogs,

l just don't really
like being surprised.

OK, hey, it's Alan, again.

Look, l've been giving it
a lot of thought
while that guy was talking,

and l think that it's only fair
if we let Barbara decide

which of us is the
one to stay, OK?

The way l see,
we got four options here.

Option number one,
l stay, Mike goes home.

Option two, Mike stays and l go.

Option three,
neither of us stays

or option four, we both stay,
let's let Barbara choose.

Mike, if we could have
option four as option one

out of respect for my
favorites, that's my favorite.

OK, man, yeah,
whatever. [laughs]

Well, stand up, Alan,
and say your name, fuck.

[yelling] Oh-kay,
alright, Alan.

Option numberfour is now
option number one, we both stay.

Option numbertwo,
previously option one,

l stay, Mike goes home,
option three, previously two,

Mike stays, l go home, option
four, formally known as three,

we both leave, Barbara,
it's in your hands.

lt's up to you,
what do you think?

Oh, now you wanna
know what l think?

You wanna know what l think?

l think the two of you should
leave me the fuck alone.

You are exactly what is
wrong with this place.

Mercado used to be fun, man.

Used to wake up, roll out
of bed, go to the beach.

You'd have these
amazing conversations with real,

interesting people, philosophers
and writers and artists,

not a fucking prissy ass
yoga teacher who calls the FBl

anytime you play one
little prank on her.

Or investment bankers, whojust
wanna get away from it all

but, really, you just wanna
be home with yourfamily.

Oryou fucking tourists and
your god damn lnstagram.

You come here,
you wanna have some sort
of authentic experience

but all you do is
hang out with people

who grew up 50
miles away from you.

Fuck a local!

Jesus fucking Christ,
l am sick of you all,

and l'm sick of Mercado.

Barbara, Barbara, Barbara!

l'm wearing Baldwin
Henley Riverside jeans.

These are bespoke.

Made from extremely expensive
high quality denim in
Kansas City.

What?

[gasps]

l'm ruining my jeans to show you
how much you mean to me!

Barbara, don't listen to him.

Mike, go away.

Any jean-head knows the best way
to clean high quality denim

is to get in the saltwater and
then rub around in the sand.

Shut up, Mike!

No, he's lying, Barbara.
Don't listen to his untruths.

Both of you just
leave me alone.

l'm sleeping on the beach.

Well, l'm gonna silently
reflect on the beach

in my own area
which happens to be right here.

l also reserved a
reflection spot of my own

that l'll be using to reflect.

The Little Dipper sucks!

[dog barking]

[waves crashing]

Who do you think wrote that?

Let's just go home.

Oh!

Hey, yo, dude, what up?

l knew you guys hate
each other...

but stealing?

So, um...

what happens now?.

Ruby wants you to
leave Mercado Village.

Or she wants you
to replace her glasses

and apologize.

[light piano music playing]

Hello.

[speaks Spanish]

[speaking indistinctly]

[seagulls cawing]

Bye.

Hey, baby, muah.

What the hell?

She's kissing the kombucha guy.

Whoa, Barbara.

Hey, truck buddy,
what's going on, man?

Hey, what's happening?

-Oh, this is Edgar.
-Yeah, l know Edgar.

He's got a private plane
in Managua, we're gonna
travel together.

Dope, right?

No, that's not dope,
because you have a wife.

No, no, no, no,
just a girlfriend.

She lives here now
so we're done.

But the other night when
you made that speech

about how much
you liked Barbara,

l realized, [sighs]
this is one beautiful woman.

So, where you gonna go?

l don't know, maybe Spain.

Ah, Spain.

Killer.

l'm gonna go get the boat ready.

OK.

[laughs]

Come on, Barbara,
you can't be this irrational.

What about going back home?

What about taking care of things
with yourfamily, facing them?

OK, you came for
a goodbye hug, right?

Let's do this.

l don't wanna
leave on bad terms.

God, l wish l
could be more like you.

l know, it's awesome.

-Alright.
-Yeah.

-Yeah, mm-hmm.
-Sorry.

[boat engine starts]

[car engine starts]

[speaks Spanish] volcano?

Es un volcano
sobre aqui, anywhere?

This is the path to the volcano?

Si.

Little bro, what are you doing?

Come on, it's gonna be fun.

[stuttering]

Rule number three,
come on, volcano.

You see how big
that ammo shit was?

What?

[playful upbeat music playing]

[Alan panting]
l can't keep going, l can't go.

Here it is, Mike, here it is.

There's the volcano.

Oh, man,
l don't think he understood us

that we meant to hike
the volcano itself.

Yeah, no,
that's for sure what happened.

This looks like
his make out point.

Should we say some words?

Like, how you do a volcano.

-Yeah, sure.
-OK, let's not.

-Oh, no, no, no, let's do it.
-No it's stupid. you're right.

OK, l'll go first, l'll go.

Oh, far away volcano,

we are here to bring
respects for el Nicaragua.

l wanna thank you
for bringing about

this amazing time
that l've had with my brother.

Mike, is a really good guy.

l'm sorry l said
so many mean things to him.

Mike likes me more
than anyone l know.

He likes me more than
anyone l've ever known.

Out of his whole family,
he's... he likes me the most.

l don't know why
he does but he does.

And dear volcano, whatever
happens with me and his sister,

with your blessing, l would
love to remain his friend.

l still think the
three-way was messed up!

And l think l deserve an
apology for that, volcano!

-l'm sorry.
-Thank you.

OK, l'm done, that's it.

Master distant volcano
majesty far away!

l also have a confession,

l did not see ''Chef'', the movie.

l rented it on a plane,
watched a little bit, paused it.

When l got back
from the bathroom,

l could not work the interface

to navigate my way
back to the movie.

l've lied about seeing it,
l've lied about liking it.

lt got too big
and it got away from me

and l'm so ashamed,
l'm so sorry.

So sorry, man.

-Mike, Mike, Mike.
-[sniffing]

[upbeat uplifting music playing]

Alright.

Good, yeah let's take a picture.

[camera clicking]

Ourflight took
off four minutes ago.

Well, l guess we'll
just take the next one.

[speaks Spanish]

-Not interested.
-Chef, Chef, Chef, Chef...

[singing in Spanish
language about Chef]

[phone chiming]

[laughs]

[''Praise You'' by Fatboy Slim
cover in Spanish playing]