Original subtitles

Check the artline.

Are you hyperventilating the patient?

No, doctor.

Ready the bone wax. Metzenbaum scissors.

Metzenbaum scissors.

Get that cat out of here.

Yes, sir.

Ready to close. Remove the weitlander retractor.

We're closing, doctor.

Remove the rainey clip, for god's sake.

I appreciate your letting me

Observe that brain operation today.

It would've been more complicated

If he'd needed one,

But since you wanted to observe my technique, i--

That was very nice of you. Doctor, were you, uh,

Were you interested in science as a child?

I don't know if i was interested

So much in the science

As i was the slime that goes along with it.

Snakes and frogs.

When i saw how slimy the human brain was, i...

I knew that's what i wanted to do

With the rest of my life.

What's the matter, timon?

I thought you liked fish.

They taste funny.

Really? It's fresh.

It came right out of that tank.

You hooked my angel fish?!

Why do you do these terrible things?

Because i love to see those veins

In your temple throb.

You--You--

I'll kill you.

Look here, you devil woman,

You'll never do this to another man!

Oh, yes, i will. I'll do it,

And i'll do it, and i'll do it again.

Would you read that back to me?

I'm afraid that might make me

Sound pompous to your readers.

Uh, "my brilliant research in brain transplantation

"Is unsurpassed

And will probably make my name live beyond eternity."

No, that's all right.

Take out the "probably."

It makes me sound wishy-Washy.

You take your hands off me, you impotent prune!

Ohh!

My renoir! I'll kill you!

I get so excited when you get angry.

It makes me feel so much closer

To the reading of the will.

You won't get a penny.

I changed my will months ago.

You son of a bitch.

Well, i guess i'll just have to find me

A new man to torture.

Dr. Furrier--

That's...hfuhruhurr.

I'm sorry.

That's all right.

A lot of people mispronounce it,

But it sounds just the way it's spelled.

H-F-U-H-R-U-H-U-R-R. Hfuhruhurr.

Hfuhruhurr-Rur.

That's good. You just went a little past it there.

Just put the brakes on a little sooner.

Doctor, i, uh... i know you were quite shaken

By the tragic death of your wife.

Oh, i couldn't talk about it for a long while,

But...time passes by, and i can handle it now.

Her name was rebecca.

Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?!

Is ookims having a massive heart attack?

What a shame, with me so young and hot!

Pom-Pom!

Rip her throat out!

Aah!

Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?!

Dr. Furrier!

Hfuhruhurr!

I'm sorry.

She was...

Everything.

Is that her?

No. That's just a statue of her.

Our gardener ramon, he...

He made made that for me after she...

I love the way her head moves.

She almost looks... alive.

Watch out!

Bye-Bye!

An angel.

Little girl?

Yes, sir?

I want you to do something very important, all right?

Ok.

I want you to run home, and i want you to call the e.R.

Of north bank general hospital, 9-3-2-One thousand.

Tell them to set up o.R. 6 immediately

And contact anesthesiologist isadore tourick,

4-7-2-2-1-1-2, beep 12.

Have them send an ambulance with a paramedic crew,

Light i.V., D-5 and w, kvo. You got it?

E.R., North bank general hospital,

9-3-2-One thousand.

Set up o.R. 6,

Contact anesthesiologist isadore tourick,

4-7-2-2-1-1-2, beep 12.

Ambulance with paramedics and light i.V.,

D-5 and w, kvo.

That's good.

Sounds like a subdural hematoma to me.

Oh, it does, does it?

Well, it's not your job to diagnose.

But i thought--

You thought! You thought! Just go!

3 years of nursery school, and you think you know it all!

Well, you're still wet behind the ears.

It's not a subdural hematoma! It's epidural! Hah!

Goddamn, that makes me mad.

I don't find this amusing, garrero!

This is a better story than i ever hoped for.

Beautiful woman gets hit by a car

And needs brain surgery, and the man who hits her

Is the world's greatest brain surgeon

Who operates on her and saves her life.

If i save her life, olsen. If.

You wanted to see me, dr. Brandon?

Ah, yes, michael.

This operation that you're about to perform,

I feel, is very ill-Advised.

No surgeon should ever operate on a patient

That he has personally injured.

It would make him too emotionally involved.

Don't you think i'm aware of that?

But there's only one other person i'd trust

To perform this operation--Beckermann.

Dr. Beckermann was murdered in europe. You know that.

Exactly!

Not only is he dead, he's 6,000 miles away.

What is that?

It's a vagina.

I know what it is.

I mean what are you doing?

Shaving her.

This is a brain operation.

I know.

What's that supposed to be, a heart?

Yes, sir. Clive and i thought

That since it's valentine's day that--

You don't have to shave her anywhere.

We'll be using my cranial screwtop

Method of entry into the brain.

Fine. Yes, sir.

I never want to see that again.

I suppose if it were christmas,

You'd hang ornaments on it.

Forceps.

Metzenbaum scissors.

10-Blade scalpel.

10-Blade.

Sponge stick.

Give me a little sweat on my upper lip.

Remove sweat.

Cover her breasts. I'm a man, flesh and blood.

Scat!

Damn! The cats around here.

Cranial screwtop.

Now all we can do is wait.

Yes.

Where am i?

In a hospital. You've had an accident.

Oh.

I hope i haven't caused any trouble.

Oh, no.

I'm so tired.

Shh shh shh shh.

Who are you?

Oh, i'm--I'm your doctor.

I want--

Oh, don't-- Don't try and talk.

Doctor.

Huh?

You're wanted in o.R. 6 in 5 minutes.

Thank you.

Ohh. Continue the dilantin i.V.

What a skull.

Ohh.

Boy, would i like to jump on those bones.

Rebecca.

I can't help comparing her to you.

She has a behind so sexy

You'd like to eat lunch off it.

Just like we did, remember?

Rebecca.

I've had the top of her head off,

But that's as far as it went.

I promise i'll never recite our favorite poem

To anyone but you.

In dilman's grove.

In dilman's grove, my love did die,

And now in ground, she'll ever lie.

None could e'er replace her visage,

Until your face

Brought thoughts of kissage.

Nurse.

Good. I'm glad you're here.

Make a note.

Right arm grip strength very good.

Left arm's--There's just no improvement.

I went out and got you a little present.

"The complete poems of john lilyson."

"England's greatest one-Armed poet"?

He wrote in dilman's grove

And pointy birds.

I--

"Oh, pointy birds,

"Oh, pointy, pointy,

"Anoint my head,

Anointy, 'nointy."

He died in 1894.

He was the first person ever to be hit by a car.

To think you were almost killed by a car.

Michael.

That's all over now.

That man you ran away from that night...

Poor old mr. Creswell.

It was all my fault, in a way.

I never should have gone there alone.

I guess i'm just too trusting.

Oh, poor little bird.

So fragile.

So naive.

So childlike.

So shy.

So chaste.

So innocent.

Rebecca.

If there's anything wrong

With my feelings for dolores,

Just give me a sign.

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

Just any kind of sign.

I'll keep on the lookout for it.

Meanwhile, i'll just put you in the closet.

In sickness or in health

Till death do you part?

I do.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Not now.

There it is, darling. Your new home.

The house of hfuhruhurr.

What are those assholes doing on the porch?

Those aren't assholes.

It's pronounced "azaleas."

I put them there for you.

Se�or.

No, ramon. My wife will not be

Entering her new home in a wheelchair.

I want this moment to last forever.

Senor?

Se�or, would you like to eat your breakfast now?

Have you taken enough photos of the moment

So we can remember this moment forever?

Oh, yes.

And we got them back already. See?

Oh, that's nice.

All right, breakfast.

We'll get cleaned up first.

One of my favorite people in the world

Is about to walk out here.

I'm happy to say he is still busy making his ...

Look, i framed the moment.

Mm-Hmm.

He's now about to unveil his latest picture,

Which i hear is just amazing,

Opening on the 21st of this month--

Yuck.

Wait. Turn that back.

That's my favorite movie.

That's donovan's brain.

And not the slightest sign of decay?

None. I've never seen healthier tissue.

It's growing larger by the day.

It's disgusting.

Brains are so ugly.

No. It's beautiful.

I'm late!

Is that all you're gonna have for breakfast?

It's all i have time for.

How do you feel?

Oh, i'm fine.

I just...wish i could get out of this wheelchair

So i could help a little around the house.

You will.

You just had a major operation.

It takes time to recover.

You're gonna be up and around in no time.

Just be patient.

Dolores? Soon?

Huh?

Huh?

Forgot my hat.

Ooh! Ohh!

You walked! You walked! You walked!

I shouldn't have gotten up,

But i wanted to surprise you

And walk into your arms tonight when you came home.

You walked! You walked! You walked!

I love you so much.

Who is that man out there?

Juan. He works for ramon.

Oh. He frightened me.

He's just a big, good-Natured bag of muscles.

There's just something about him that makes me quiver.

Is he here often?

Just one day a week.

What day?

Tuesday.

Is he ever alone?

I mean, does ramon ever go off and leave him here alone?

Sometimes. Why?

I'd like to know.

Please, tell ramon to warn me

When he's gonna leave me alone with that juan person.

All right, if that'll make you feel better.

That'll make me feel much better.

Frightened little mouse.

I'll tell ramon

To warn her about juan.

Ramon!

Michael, michael, how is married life?

I don't know!

I'm sorry. I've been on edge

The last couple of weeks.

I don't know what i'm doing.

Michael!

Aah!

See? That's a perfect example.

Oh, god, i almost peed in the scrub basin.

I don't know why i've been so tense.

Maybe it's your coffee.

No.

When a woman who's just had major brain surgery

Tells you she has a headache,

You've got to listen.

Oh.

Patience, michael.

A recently married woman and an eager young husband--

It won't be long before you hear her say,

"Take me! Take me!"

Take me.

Take me.

Ohh.

Ohh, juan.

You...

You're through!

I don't think i am.

Not you.

By the way, i fired ramon yesterday.

Ramon? But ramon is such a fine man. What did he do?

He came up behind me, and he grabbed my breasts.

What?

I haven't even done that yet.

I know. I told him that.

You told him?

He said he had to measure me

For a new dashboard ornament.

He told me he had to measure rebecca a lot

Before he got her right.

Oh, you're upset.

So am i.

I want to be everything to you rebecca was.

I want to give you... everything she gave you,

Do everything she did.

When can you start?

How soon can you get home?

Well, i have 2 operations, but i can do them fast.

They're just brain operations.

Let me get my hat.

My briefcase.

Could you walk me to the door?

What's he doing?

2 brain operations at the same time.

Number 11-Blade.

11-Blade.

10-Blade scalpel.

10-Blade.

Ready the bone wax. Metzenbaum scissors.

Metzenbaum scissors.

Get that cat out of here.

- Yes, sir.

We're ready to close. Cranial screwtops.

Check for stripping. Take them to s.I.C.U.

-Bravo! -Bravo!

You're so early.

Yes.

Take off your coat.

And your paper hat.

I'm chilling some wine for us.

Why don't you open it?

Yes.

Does this do anything for you?

Oh, yes.

Good.

I want our first night together...

To be exciting.

I do, too.

I hope the waiting hasn't been too hard on you.

There's something i have to tell you.

This fits very snug,

And you may have some trouble getting it off me.

You may have to tear it off my body.

I can tear. I like tearing.

You...man of steel.

I can't wait till next thursday.

Today is monday.

I know.

But my headache should be gone by then.

You don't mind waiting, do you?

Oh. No.

No, no, no. Not at all.

I have a little headache myself.

Maybe i'll take a walk.

It'll do me good.

Where's my hat?

It's...

The breeze feels good.

You wanted to see me?

Michael, i'm, uh, concerned about you.

Really? What's the concern?

My staff tells me that you've been a little tense lately.

Tense?

Is that what they say about me?

Michael, even to me, you seem a little jumpy.

Jumpy?!

How are things at home, michael?

Great. I'm married to the most beautiful woman in the world.

How could it be anything but great?!

It's gonna be even greater!

Just as soon as we...

6 weeks and you haven't made love to your wife yet?

No wonder you're tense.

Dr. Brandon, the woman has just had major brain surgery.

She's had enough unpleasantness.

I'll have you know that in the finger-Sucking department

I am extremely satisfied.

Have you ever been to austria, michael?

No.

The austrian institute of craniology

Has asked many times for you to lecture there

On your theory of brain transplants.

Why not take them up on it?

Combine a business trip with a honeymoon.

Honeymoon.

Yeah. I got to do something to get us started.

When are you scheduled

To have your hands removed from your face?

3:00 this afternoon.

Then you could do the voitlander surgery for me.

Of course!

Have to be very careful with that instant glue.

I know.

Here's the voitlander chart.

A honeymoon.

Yeah. Honeymoon!

May i help you, sir?

Yes, i'm dr. Hfuhruhurr.

I believe you're holding a room for me.

Yes. Would you prefer a double or twin beds?

A double.

Ah, a double.

Could you send up a bottle of champagne

And put a "do not disturb" on the phone

For the next-- Um, let's see.

We go in, put our bags down start kissing,

Be about 7 minutes.

Move into the bedroom, slide my hands over her dress,

I remove her blouse, maybe 4 or 5 minutes.

Move over to the bed, rub each inner thigh,

That would be 4 minutes each,

So i figure 25 minutes of foreplay in general...

Do you call oral sex foreplay or actual sex?

Doesn't matter. I'd like to do it twice,

So at least 3 hours, all right?

3 hours?!

- Yes, sir.

Take mrs. Hfuhruhurr and that lucky son of a bitch

Up to suite 729.

Yes, sir.

I never in my wildest imagination

Ever thought it could be like that.

It was the most exciting sexual encounter--

Without actually having it--

That i ever almost had.

Doctor, i'm dr. Felix conrad.

I'll be escorting you to the lecture hall.

Did you just step off that elevator?

There was no operator.

They're all afraid.

You haven't heard about vienna's elevator killer?

Elevator killer?

People have been getting on elevators on one floor

Only to arrive at another floor dead.

Like beckerman.

Ja. Dr. Schlermie beckerman.

A brilliant brain surgeon.

One of your colleagues.

It was a great loss.

I'm thankful you're all right.

The academy is looking forward

To hearing you lecture this morning.

I hope i don't ruffle any feathers.

My speech might be a little radical for the old guard.

It would take quite a bit

To shock any of this crowd.

Ladies and gentlemen, i can envision a day

When the brains of brilliant men

Can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people.

What are they saying?

They're just saying "murmur murmur murmur."

It's just sort of a general murmur?

Yeah. Murmur.

Oh.

You may murmur all you like--

But to make transplantation possible

I have recently invented the cranial screwtop method

Of entry into the brain whereby a large section

Can be unscrewed without having to shave the head.

And as a safety feature, i've made it childproof.

To open, you push down while turning...

And voila, the human brain.

Where is this man's brain?

Stolen! It's the fourth incident this month.

I wish to apologize to our american colleague.

This demonstration is now concluded.

Dr. Hmfhruhrr?

It's close. Yes?

I'm dr. Alfred necessiter.

Well, well, well. Dr. Alfred necessiter.

Would you like a drink?

A drink would be interesting.

I enjoyed your lecture today.

What lecture? They gave me a head with 3 lemons in it.

That's why i enjoyed it so much.

I didn't have to hear your brilliant but old-Fashioned

Theories on the human brain.

What do you mean, "old-Fashioned"?

I'm the most advanced brain man working today.

I don't think so.

Read this article. Look at the underlined part.

And look at this. Read the caption under the photo.

And these-- Newsweek, time, cosmo.

National enquirer--

Dolly parton wants to have my baby.

Don't tell me i'm old-Fashioned.

I didn't mean to upset you, doctor!

You're the most brilliant brain man working today.

That's why i'm most anxious to share my work with you.

It seems you're the one person in the entire universe

Who might understand it.

And i agree with what you said here.

"My brilliant research in brain transplantation

"Is unsurpassed and will probably make my name

Live beyond eternity."

I told him to take out the "probably."

My laboratory is set up in my home.

If you have a moment, i could show you my work.

When?

Now!

All right.

I can't believe they didn't take out the "probably."

You know, that photograph doesn't do you justice.

Well, hello.

I didn't expect to see you here.

Ow! Oh, you dirty...

What's the matter?

You'll have to forgive me.

Being in austria and meeting a scientist with your interests,

I half expected your laboratory to be in a castle, not a condo.

You mean...like this?

Yeah. That's more like it.

Jesus.

This is extraordinary.

From the outside, it does not look this roomy.

I had a good decorator. My wife.

It's amazing what she did with a few throw pillows,

Some wallpaper, and a staple gun.

Leapin' lizards.

Yes. We have those.

Moat with alligator...

Here's our small entrance hall.

Do you have enough closet space?

There never is.

No. They fill up so fast.

This is the tv room.

Oh, i love the way it's so dreary.

This, doctor...

Is my laboratory.

Brains.

I've never seen so many brains out of their heads before.

Feel like a kid in a candy store.

Don't touch it!

Why?

They're alive.

Alive.

But there's no wires or tubes or that "bzz" thing.

How are they kept alive?

With a special fluid i developed.

Why do you have all these brains?

My vision is to be able to take

The thoughts and data from a dying brain

And transfer them into another body

Without opening the skull.

Would you care for a drink?

Please.

What would you like?

A tahitian lady.

Right-O.

Flaming?

Oh, no, no. That's for tourists.

Where do you get your brains?

The city morgue.

For a nice tip they send me brains from bodies

That have died in the right way.

What is the right way for a body to die?

For my purpose, an injection of 200 ccs

Of ammoniated strychnoclorahype

Into the buttocks,

Causing the brain to die last.

Thank you.

Ammoniated strych-- That's window cleaner.

That's the exact ingredients in window cleaner.

Yes.

And who does the injecting, dr. Necessiter, you?

Good lord, no.

It's the elevator killer, bless his heart.

You're condoning murder, aren't you, dr. Necessiter?

As long at it's happening, i'm happy to accept it.

The only time we doctors should accept death

Is when it's caused by our own incompetence.

Nonsense! If the murder of 12 innocent people

Can save one human life, it will have been worth it.

Worth it? You're condoning murder!

I'm not condoning murder, sir!

Shut up in there!

Research and murder do not go together!

And you shut up!

With your tv blaring all night

And your 6 grandchildren running down the halls!

I'm sorry, doctor. These walls look solid,

But they're thin as tissue paper.

That's typical for a condo.

Now, let me show you

How far i've progressed with my experiments.

You knew a schlermie beckerman?

You've got schlermie in one of those jars

Like so much marmalade?

No! He isn't in a jar! He's walking and talking.

That's impossible.

I saw photos of the body.

It is possible.

I must warn you, doctor...

What you are about to see...

Might strike you as the most incredible, awesome--

Excuse me.

Incredible, awesome what?

Just a minute. Hello? Yes?

I'll be there immediately. Thank you.

What was that awesome thing?

I must leave now. I have a new brain to pick.

The elevator killer has struck again.

What about beckerman and incredible?

Come for dinner tonight and bring mrs. Furrear.

-Hfuhruhurr. -Hfuhruhurr.

8:00. You can let yourself out.

Now, if you will just turn around.

Und lift your robe.

Ja.

Hi. What's going on?

Don't interfere.

He's paying me $15,000 just to touch my behind.

You! Get outta here!

Please, forgive--

Get out!

This kind of thing could ruin our marriage.

Why? Because you don't want me to work?

Earn my own money? Have my own career?

You call this a career?

Oh, i've made those veins in your temple throb.

Oh, i love that.

Ha ha ha!

Dolores, our marriage lies broken on the floor

Like the shards of glass on our honeymoon suite!

Aah! Oh! 19th century indian rubber vase, eh?

Dolores, i am making a citizen's divorce.

What?

By the powers vested in me,

I hereby declare our marriage null and void!

E pluribus unum!

Jawohl?

I'm dr. Hfuhruhurr.

Dr. Hfurrrr--Oh, ja.

You and your wife are expected for dinner.

My wife won't be coming.

Oh. I trust she is not ill.

She's not ill. She's a cheap, vulgar slut!

Ja, i've heard this.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr, please.

No, i'm sorry, he's not in. This is mrs. Hfurrr...ff.

I'm james gladstone, calling from new york.

I'm the attorney

For dr. Hfuhruhurr's step-Grandmother.

I wanted to inform the doctor of her passing.

Passing what?

She was cremated this afternoon.

We need the doctor's signature on some documents

Before we release his share of the estate.

Um...

How big is the estate?

Rebecca...

Why didn't you give me a sign?

I miss you.

The fun we had.

Remember our song?

™�♪ if you like-A me ♪♪

™�♪ like i like-A you ♪♪

™�♪ and we like-A both the same ♪♪

™�♪ i like-A say, this very day ♪♪

™�♪ i like-A change your name ♪♪

™�♪ 'cause i love-A you ♪♪

™�♪ and love-A you true ♪♪

™�♪ and if you would love-A me ♪♪

™�♪ one live as two ♪♪

™�♪ two live as one ♪♪

™�♪ under the bamboo tree ♪♪

™�♪ and every morning he would be ♪♪

™�♪ down underneath the bamboo tree ♪♪

™�♪ awaiting there his love to see ♪♪

™�♪ and to her he'd sing... ♪♪

™�♪ if you like-A me ♪♪

™�♪ like i like-A you ♪♪

™�♪ and we like-A both the same ♪♪

™�♪ i like-A say, this very day.. ™�♪

Mrs. Necessiter?

™�♪ i like-A change your name ♪♪

™�♪ 'cause i love-A you ♪♪

™�♪ and love-A you true ♪♪

™�♪ and if you love-A me ♪♪

™�♪ one live as two ♪♪

™�♪ two live as one ♪♪

™�♪ under the bamboo tree ♪♪

Hello?

Hello?

Is this a joke?

What?

Is this a joke?

Who are you? What's happening?

I don't know.

Who are you?

Dr. Michael hfuhruhurr.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr?

My god.

What?

You're the first...object that ever pronounced it right.

How else could you pronounce it?

H-F-U-H-R-U-H-U-R-R, isn't it?

Yes!

Who are you?

Anne. Anne uumellmahaye.

U-U-M-E-L-L-M-A-H-A-Y-E? Uumellmahaye?

Yes. Where am i? It's so dark.

In a doctor's laboratory.

Am i all right?

Um...not really.

Will i be able to play the piano again?

Um, i would think--No.

Why did you call me an object?

I'm sorry.

I didn't know what else to call you.

Why?

You don't know?

No, i don't.

Please, tell me.

Well...

Miss uumellmahaye, it seems that you have no body.

What happened to my body?

It's dead. Gone.

You're a disembodied brain kept alive by a scientist.

But we're talking.

I must at least have lips, a tongue, a throat.

Nothing. Just a jar.

Oh! Oh!

Don't cry.

But how can i hear you?

Must be some kind of telepathy.

What's going to happen to me?

Hans told me you were here. Good, good.

Now, let me show you

That experiment i've been working on.

No! No.

I've got something more important.

Listen, just listen.

All right, sing.

™�♪ if you like-A me like i like-A you ♪♪

™�♪ and we like-A both the same ♪♪

™�♪ i like-A say... ♪♪

Have you heard anything like that in your life?

I can't hear a thing.

Oh, really?

Shh.

What were you doing?

I was just working on my new technique

For walking in corduroy pants

To eliminate the scraping when your thighs rub together.

That's very exciting work, doctor.

Now, come on. Let me show you what i've done

For your friend beckerman.

Whup. Just one moment.

What happened?

No one can hear you but me.

Doctor!

Did you hear that?

No.

You can't hear anyone but me.

It is some kind of telepathy.

I'm frightened.

Don't be. Things are never as bad as they seem.

You still have your... brain.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr!

I'll be back.

Just stay here.

I believe you know this gentleman.

Is that dr. Beckerman?

Sort of. See, i've devised a machine

That can transfer the entire contents of one brain

Into another brain. Understand, of course,

That the brain of a gorilla is smaller than a human's,

So much of dr. Beckerman's vast knowledge

Couldn't be accommodated.

Dr. Beckerman?

That's him all right.

We never did like to shake hands with him.

He must be lonely.

Perhaps soon we'll find him a companion.

Come, doctor.

Bye.

I'm going up to pack my clothes.

Can you send the bellman up in 10 minutes?

Yes, sir.

"My darling husband,

"By the time you read this i will be dead.

"My only regret is that i caused you pain.

"I hope my insurance money

"Brings you some happiness.

"May i burn in hell for what i have done to you.

"My broken body will be lying

"7 floors below.

"Au revoir,

Dolores."

Aah!

No!

You're alive!

Yes.

But the scream...

I was rehearsing.

Don't come near me.

Why are you doing this?

Because i'm evil.

You're not evil. You're sick.

Sick?

Yes, from the operation.

Just screw your head on a little bit tighter.

You can be well.

It's no use, michael.

I'm no good for you.

And, besides,

You divorced me.

I'm making a citizen's annulment.

Ipso facto, coitus interruptus.

I'm coming to get you.

No! Stay where you are.

I can't stand hurting you anymore, michael.

Good-Bye, my darling.

No!

Take my hand.

You're safe with me now. Aah!

Put your arms around my neck.

I hope this is strong enough for the both of us.

Hang on.

Uhh!

Uhh!

I don't have any more saliva.

I need yours.

Uhh!

You're all right now.

-Oh! -There.

You're going to the hospital.

No, michael, please.

I want to make it up to you.

When? Thursday?

How about monday?

Next monday?

Today, monday.

Later today?

Now.

Right now or later now?

Now now.

Wow, wow.

Oh, i love a clean, smooth,

Hairless chest.

I mean hairy.

Hairy.

I never knew it could be like that.

Oh, it was so...

So...

Professional.

We are finally united under the holy laws of matrimony--

In sickness

And in health,

Till death--

Do us part.

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Dr. Hfuhruhurr.

Is dr. Necessiter in?

No, sir.

May i wait for him?

Yes.

I meant, may i wait inside?

Ja.

May i wait in the laboratory?

Oh, i'm afraid it's locked, sir,

But you are welcome to wait in the den.

Make yourself comfortable, sir.

Perhaps i could bring you a drink?

Yes. Uh, tahiti tingle.

A tingle.

And take your time.

Ah.

Damn.

Aah!

Are you all right, sir?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

I just leaned against the door.

The doors in this condo are paper-Thin.

Everything today is made so cheap.

Here, look at this wall--

Like paper.

Here is your drink, sir.

Thank you.

Now can i get you anything else, doctor?

I am about to retire.

Really? You seem so young.

No. I mean retire for the night.

Oh. Oh, no, thanks, i'm fine.

And don't worry about this.

I'll have it replaced in the morning.

Miss uumellmahaye?

Miss uumellmahaye?

Dr. Hfuhruhurr?

Miss uumellmahaye?

Dr. Hfuhruhurr?

Dr. Hfuhruhurr.

No.

No.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr,

What's happened to me?

You're a gorilla.

I don't feel like a gorilla.

Well, you sure do look like one.

But i--I can't be.

I can't see or touch...

Or anything.

Miss uumellmahaye?

Call me anne.

Thank god.

You're still a brain.

Oops!

Hey!

Why did you think i was a gorilla?

Because that's what dr. Necessiter

Has planned for you.

But don't worry.

I have other plans.

You're in my room now.

Where in your room?

In a--

On a gold leaf florentine table

By the window,

Overlooking a garden.

Oh, i can almost smell the flowers.

Phew.

Sleep well, anne.

Good night, michael.

Good night.

Mmm. You getting up?

Yeah, yeah, just getting up.

Ahh.

I'll order us some breakfast.

Yeah. Order me 2 sheets of bacon and a pillow.

Hmm?

Hey, know what i've been thinking?

There's no need to rush home right now.

I'm due for a sabbatical,

And there's a lot of experimentation

Going on in this city--

A lot of scientists, a lot of brain research.

You know, i could go out and look for a cottage,

And i could set up a little laboratory.

We could be very, very comfortable there.

What do you think of an idea like that?

You think i should go out and look for one right now?

Whatever you want.

Do you want me to go with you?

No, no, that's not necessary, really.

Oh, but i'd love to.

Oh, it's so much trouble,

The driving

And the realtors.

Yes?

May i take the table?

Oh, yeah, come on in.

It's really...

Ahem.

Madame.

Oh, you're right.

It isn't necessary for me to go.

I'd just be in the way.

It's best.

I think i'll just

Slip...

Out of these clothes

Into a hot bath.

That's great.

That's great.

Yep.

Ahem. You must be dr. Hfuhruhurr.

Hfuhruhurr, yes.

Can i give you a hand, sir?

No, i'm fine.

What do you have there?

You have a cute little kitty cat in there?

Hello, katze.

Peekaboo. I see you.

Ah, that's cute--

All curled up in the little ball.

Oh, you have no hair. Ohh!

Sorry. Um...

I'd like to see the house.

Sure.

Guess what?

I found us a cottage,

And i think we ought to go there right away.

Well, what's the rush?

Well, i set up an experiment,

And i told it i'd be right back.

Oh, you're dressed. Good.

I'll go get the car.

Let's go!

Why are you driving so fast?

I just want to show you our new home.

What is this experiment you're doing?

Just some boring brain stuff.

Oh, you're not going to have mice and rats

In the house, are you?

No, no. Just some microscopes

And test tubes and beakers

And maybe a brain.

A brain?

Just a small 4-Pounder. You'll never see it.

I'll keep it locked up.

Ruth was the greatest baseball player

Of all time.

You never saw ruth play.

On film, i did.

Michael, are you on the phone?

Uh, yes.

Well, i'm waiting for you...

In bed.

We'll finish this tomorrow.

Michael, it was fun tonight.

It was fun for me, too.

Don't you want to make love?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That'd be great.

I'll take this off.

No, no, no. I can-- I can work around it.

Oh, that feels so...

Over.

It just keeps getting better and better.

What?

Are you going to be in there forever?

Uh-Huh. I mean, uh, no, no.

Just another couple of days.

Oh.

Well, i guess i'll just go to town

And try and find something to do.

Oh, don't go.

Bye, darling.

I can spend the whole day with you.

Are you busy?

Yes, but i'll cancel my appointments.

The whole day.

I don't think there's a girl

Floating in any jar anywhere

Who's as happy as i am.

Oh, michael, you do so much for me,

And i do nothing for you.

Are you out of your head?

I'm sorry. I forgot.

As far as i'm concerned,

You're the most complete woman i've ever known.

All my life, i wanted women with great bodies--

Women who were 10s.

And now...

For the first time,

I'm aroused by a mind.

Michael,

I wish i could kiss you.

I've been thinking about that.

Really?

Yes, really.

I, uh...

I bought you a pair of wax lips.

I was going to stick them on your jar.

Is that crazy?

Oh, no.

Please.

How do i look?

-Michael? -Yes?

Were you out on the lake today

Kissing your brain?

No.

You didn't take the rowboat out?

Funny.

There was a man out there,

Looked just like you, kissing a brain.

Must've been somebody else.

Somebody else?

How many men are there around here,

Do you suppose, who look exactly like you

And have brains in jars?

Oh...

Well, around here, must be hundreds.

Oh, stop it, michael.

I know there's something weird going on

With you and that brain.

It's not weird.

It's my work.

Oh.

It's your work to kiss a dead brain?

She's not dead. She's alive.

So, now it's a she!

You care more about that brain than you do me.

Michael, i am your cook,

Your maid, your lover.

I'm understanding about your work.

I almost threw myself out a window because of you.

And you,

You treat me like a doormat.

Dolores,

I'm sorry. I--I just...

I didn't realize what i was doing to you.

Hello?

Who?

Mr. Gladstone?

What message?

What?

Grandma nooney died?

No, she didn't tell me.

How much?

15 million.

First thing monday.

The day you learned about my inheritance

Is the day you started to be nice to me.

What a coincidence.

You only stayed around for the money.

What other reason could there possibly be?

God!

It's citizen's divorce time!

Final decree!

Ugh. Son of a bitch.

Ooh!

Help!

Help!

Anne?

Help!

Where's my brain?

How should i know?

I'm busy.

I'm cooking cervelle au beurre noir.

Cervelle au beurre noir?

I know what that is.

I had that once when i was in the army in france.

It was a small caf�.

I was young. I was impetuous. I'd eat anything.

Cervelle au beurre noir--

That's--That's-- That--

Brains in black butter!

Ow! Ooh! Ahh! Ohh!

Ok, anne.

Oh, please say something.

Uhh, i think i'm all right.

Count to 10.

1, 2, 3,

4, 5, 6,

7, 8...

10.

You!

You cooked her 9s.

Out!

Out of my house!

Out of my life!

If you lay one finger on me, i'll kill you!

You kill me, and i'll see

That you never work in this town again!

Nobody's going to keep me from working in this town!

Ha!

Goddamn!

-Uhh! -Uhh!

My balls!

Ow!

Ow!

I'll get you!

I'll get you for this!

I'll get you for this, you nigger-Kike-Wop!

Into the mud, scum queen!

Aah!

You'll never get a penny of that inheritance.

First thing monday, i'm donating it

To cranial research for the poor.

By monday,

You'll be dead!

Anne.

Anne.

Michael, who did you call a scum queen?

Oh...

Just some scum queen.

I'm frightened, michael.

I feel so strange.

I feel the world slipping away.

If only we could be together--

Really together.

We can, darling.

Oh, we can.

Dr. Necessiter,

I want to become a brain.

What are you talking about?

I want you to build a tank for 2.

I want you to put me in with anne uumellmahaye.

Anne uumellma-Who?

Uumellmahaye.

Brain 21, to you.

So, you're the one who stole brain 21.

Where is it?

In the trunk of my car.

I told her it was a box seat at the vienna opera.

Here are my instruments.

Do i understand you correctly?

You want me to remove your brain

And put it in a tank with number 21?

Yes! We can communicate.

We're in love.

That's the only way we can be together.

Put me in a tank.

There is an alternative.

As you know, my research has advanced to a point

Where i can put her mind into the body of a gorilla.

I couldn't fuck a gorilla.

Yes, i know,

But there is one other alternative--

A human subject.

Are you saying you can place her thoughts

In another woman's body?

In the past week, i've had 2 near successes.

What do you mean near successes?

In my recovery room

Are 2 subjects who do nothing but this...

But i think i've solved the problem!

What kind of life would that be?

This is my wife.

Oh, i know her. She'd hate that.

I'd rather keep her in a jar.

You wouldn't have her there for long.

What do you mean?

It's a miracle she's still alive.

She's outlived every brain i've had.

You'll be lucky if she survives the weekend.

All right.

What do i have to do?

Wait.

Wait for what?

For the elevator killer to strike again.

Anne could be dead by then.

I'll check the hospital,

The morgue--

Everywhere dead bodies hang out.

I'll get her a body.

I'll prepare the laboratory,

And in case you're not successful,

I'll have the gorilla wired and ready.

I'll get a body!

Will this do?

She just--

She just doesn't have any...

Va-Voom.

She is dead, you know.

Still...

You don't like anything here?

No. Nothing really leaps out at me.

Ooh.

Action's stiff.

I can file down that sear pin.

Let me have a box of dumdums.

They're illegal, madam.

So is killing your husband.

Oh, if she were only dead.

Aah!

Yeah!

She is dead.

Let me through. I'm a doctor.

I'm a doctor.

You're too late.

Good.

I mean, oh.

She's beautiful.

She's perfect.

She's alive.

She's dead. She's dead.

She's got to be dead!

Dead, dead, dead.

Crazy maniac!

Need a body. Yeah.

"In dilman's grove,

"My love

Did die."

Driver...

Follow that car.

Beautiful.

Where can i see the rest of you?

Mama.

Where can we go?

Well, we can go to my room.

It's on the fourth floor.

My name's fran.

I'm an american.

I guess you could say i'm a member of the piece corps.

Get it?

What is it?

My voice?

Did i blow the deal?

I knew i shouldn't talk until i make the deal.

I know my voice is terrible.

It irritates people so much

They usually just want to kill me.

Keep talking. Keep talking.

Oh, good. I never get to talk.

My whole family loves to talk.

Come on in, honey,

And make yourself at home.

I'll, uh...

Be right out, ok?

™�♪ duke, duke, duke ♪♪

™�♪ duke of earl, earl ♪♪

You like music?

That's my favorite song, you know?

™�♪ duke of earl, earl, earl ♪♪

™�♪ duke of earl, earl, earl ♪♪

™�♪ duke of earl ♪♪

Come on, duke, we're going to have some fun.

™�♪ duke, duke, duke of earl, earl, earl ♪♪

It's murder.

No, it's not murder.

Her body will still be alive...

™�♪ duke of earl ♪♪

But her mind will be dead.

™�♪ duke of earl ♪♪

But her body...

Her body.

I can have it all--

The perfect mind

In the perfect body.

Yes.

Yes.

Kill.

Kill.

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Kill her. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Kill her. Kill, kill, kill.

Kill her. Yes, yes.

I can't.

Can't what?

I can't inject you with window cleaner.

I don't mind.

Hey, what does it do, anyway?

It causes your brain to die last.

I don't mind.

It's my voice.

Damn.

Well...

What are you doing here?

Dolores.

You.

You're the elevator killer.

Merv griffin.

Yeah.

Why?

I don't know. I've always just loved to kill.

I've really enjoyed it.

But then i got famous,

And it's just too hard for me.

I mean, so many witnesses.

I mean, everybody recognized me.

I couldn't even lurk anymore.

I'd hear, "who's that lurking over there?

Isn't that merv griffin?"

So i came to europe to kill,

And it's really worked out very well for me--

Until now.

She's beautiful.

Yeah, isn't she?

This may be the one thing

That saves our marriage.

Hey, you going to turn me in?

I don't have time.

You're going to have to turn yourself in.

-Promise me. -I promise.

I am never taking you anywhere again.

Anne, are you all right?

I'm very...

Very sleepy.

Anne,

Stay awake.

Look, i got merv griffin's autograph.

I'm sleepy.

Oh, my god.

Michael...

Anne, stay with me.

Soon.

Help me. Soon we'll be together.

Huh?

Oh, i'm sorry, officer.

Oh, you speak english?

Good.

That's better. We have more room down there now.

License?

Doctor...

Hfuhruhurr?

Yes.

What's the rush?

And what's the matter with her?

She's just drunk--

Dead drunk.

Uh-Huh.

And you?

You have a little to drink, too, hmm?

Oh, no, no, no, i dron't dink.

Don't drink.

Mm-Hmm.

Get out of the car.

Stretch out your arms

And touch your nose with your finger.

Hmm.

Now walk this white line.

Halt!

Come back.

On your hands!

One hand.

Now do roll over, turn over, and flip-Flop.

All right.

Now juggle these, do a tap dance, and sing

The catalina magdalena lupensteiner wallabeiner song.

Goddamn, your drunk tests are hard.

™�♪ catalina magdalena ♪♪

™�♪ lupensteiner wallabeiner ♪♪

™�♪ whoa, whoa, whoa, what's her name? ™�♪

All right, you're not drunk.

You can go.

My oranges.

Now drive carefully.

Wait!

She's not drunk.

She's dead!

Dead? My god,

I better get her to a cemetery right away.

Oh, my god. Ohh!

Ja. Jawohl.

Very sleepy.

Anne, don't go to sleep. Walk around. Walk around.

Rote mercedes.

Das es das. Schnell!

Schnell, schnell, dumkopf.

Halten, halten.

Come on.

Bar that door.

Yes, sir.

Necessiter!

Schmidt, we need a battering ram.

Right away, inspector.

Ja?

Excuse me. Could we borrow a battering ram?

You'll return it?

-Ja. -Gut.

Hurry, hurry!

One...

2...

3!

On 3!

One...

2...

3!

-Aah! -Aah!

Dr. Necessiter!

Cheer up, dear boy. Have a drink.

There's no time for drinks.

Anne is dying.

You're dying, i'm dying, my machine is dying.

My wonderful machine.

What are you talking about?

It won't start. It's broken.

Well, there must be some way to fix it.

Aah!

Ooh!

Inspector, inspector.

Dr. Necessiter.

The transformer of your machine--

Are you aware it's coin-Operated?

Good lord. I forgot all about that.

When i built the machine i used the guts of a video game.

Quarters, quarters.

I've got 6 quarters.

Just enough for the transference.

All right?

All right.

All right?

All right.

Ready now.

Set the hemofarcal overload, .6.

Hemofarcal overload, .6.

Septum ludegation factor 03.5.

Septum ludegation factor 03.5.

Aortic petrification ratio 2 over 5.

Aortic petrification ratio 2 over 5.

Set the theramin at 1945.

Theramin, 1945.

Activate main transference number 2.

It's open! Return the ram!

Here is your ram. Thank you.

Follow me.

10...

9...

8...

7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

Stop! You're under arrest for murder.

We are not murdering!

We are resurrecting!

Moving life from one body to another!

You are playing god!

Somebody has to!

The dogmas of the quiet past

Are inadequate for the stormy present!

The occasion is piled high with difficulty,

And we must rise to the occasion!

Whoo! For copies of this speech,

Send one dollar to box 3912, stone mountain, georgia!

-He's crazy. -No.

Aah!

Aah!

Don't touch that!

Well, the operation seems to be a success...

But the doctor died.

Uh...

Where am i?

You're in our own hospital, michael.

How long have i been here?

You've been here 6 weeks.

Your wife is here.

She's in the waiting room.

Whose brain does she have?

Whose brain does she have?

Does she talk...

Or does she go...

No, she talks, michael.

No, no, no.

You've been in bed 6 weeks.

You don't have the strength.

I'm strong enough.

I want to see her.

Nurse, tell mrs. Huffer the doctor's awake.

Hfuhruhurr.

Wait.

I don't want her to see me like this.

I want to be on my own 2 feet.

There.

Your husband is awake and can see you.

He's awake?

What's wrong?

I never told him i was a compulsive eater.

I've gained so much weight.

Michael.

Anne...

Uumellmahaye?

Yes, michael.

You're not disappointed i'm so fat?

What fat?

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