All language subtitles for The Grand Tour - 03x10 - The Youth Vote.AMZN.WEB-DL.English.HI.C.updated.Addic7ed.com
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Filipino
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hindi
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Igbo
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Javanese
Kannada
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Malayalam
Maltese
Maori
Marathi
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese
Punjabi
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Sundanese
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Tamil
Telugu
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Xhosa
Yiddish
Yoruba
Zulu
Odia (Oriya)
Kinyarwanda
Turkmen
Tatar
Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:05,460 --> 00:00:06,500
(ENGINE REVVING)
2
00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:08,460
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS)
3
00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:55,740
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
4
00:00:59,060 --> 00:01:01,060
- (APPLAUSE INTENSIFIES)
- Hello, everybody.
5
00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:03,100
Hel-lo!
6
00:01:03,140 --> 00:01:05,380
- How you doing?
- Thank you.
7
00:01:06,540 --> 00:01:08,460
Thank you.
8
00:01:10,220 --> 00:01:11,820
- Thank you.
- Welcome.
9
00:01:13,020 --> 00:01:14,860
JEREMY: Thank you so much.
10
00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:20,060
Thank you and coming up
in this incredibly exciting show:
11
00:01:20,100 --> 00:01:22,100
a young woman changes a wheel...
12
00:01:22,140 --> 00:01:24,740
(SHE GRUNTS)
13
00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:26,700
...an older woman drinks some lager...
14
00:01:29,260 --> 00:01:31,300
...and Richard looks at a book.
15
00:01:31,340 --> 00:01:33,220
Look at that.
16
00:01:34,500 --> 00:01:37,420
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
17
00:01:37,460 --> 00:01:40,380
However...
18
00:01:40,420 --> 00:01:43,580
However, we begin
with a film from James May,
19
00:01:43,620 --> 00:01:45,140
who's in his 80s.
20
00:01:45,180 --> 00:01:46,540
- What?
- (LAUGHTER)
21
00:01:46,580 --> 00:01:48,100
No, wait, sorry.
22
00:01:48,140 --> 00:01:50,940
We begin with a film from
James May about the '80s.
23
00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:52,260
Yes. Thank you.
24
00:01:52,300 --> 00:01:54,700
The '80s, a time of marvellous excess -
25
00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:56,740
you know, Gordon Gekko
and big shoulder pads
26
00:01:56,780 --> 00:01:58,700
and of course incredible supercars -
27
00:01:58,740 --> 00:02:01,060
the greatest of which, without question,
28
00:02:01,100 --> 00:02:02,540
was this one.
29
00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:09,180
The Ferrari Testarossa...
30
00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:13,260
...was excess on wheels...
31
00:02:16,340 --> 00:02:17,540
...be it looks...
32
00:02:19,700 --> 00:02:21,180
...attitude...
33
00:02:23,180 --> 00:02:24,460
...or even size.
34
00:02:28,620 --> 00:02:31,180
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
35
00:02:31,260 --> 00:02:34,180
When this car came out,
people were absolutely aghast
36
00:02:34,260 --> 00:02:37,020
at how wide this car was.
37
00:02:37,060 --> 00:02:38,820
I don't mean wide like Del Boy,
38
00:02:38,860 --> 00:02:41,740
I mean wide as in width.
39
00:02:41,780 --> 00:02:43,700
It was enormous! Especially at the back.
40
00:02:44,780 --> 00:02:46,700
And it simply oozed charisma
41
00:02:46,740 --> 00:02:49,420
from every one of its slatted panels.
42
00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:51,940
It was unquestionably...
43
00:02:51,980 --> 00:02:55,180
...the only car that
could star in Miami Vice.
44
00:02:55,220 --> 00:02:57,220
(MIAMI VICE THEME)
45
00:02:57,260 --> 00:03:01,340
In fact, Enzo Ferrari
loved that show so much,
46
00:03:01,380 --> 00:03:04,620
he actually gave its star, Don Johnson,
47
00:03:04,660 --> 00:03:06,660
his own Testarossa.
48
00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:10,100
And Don was just the tip
of the celebrity iceberg.
49
00:03:13,540 --> 00:03:16,580
Rod Stewart had one, Elton John had one,
50
00:03:16,620 --> 00:03:18,620
Mike Tyson had one,
51
00:03:18,660 --> 00:03:21,340
OJ Simpson had one.
52
00:03:21,380 --> 00:03:23,220
And presumably wore driving gloves.
53
00:03:25,340 --> 00:03:28,220
The price of this car,
when it went on sale in 1985,
54
00:03:28,260 --> 00:03:32,860
was £62,666.
55
00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:35,660
That is, as I'm sure you know,
the number of the beast.
56
00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:38,820
And, when you unleashed
its five-litre V12...
57
00:03:38,860 --> 00:03:40,220
(ENGINE REVVING)
58
00:03:42,340 --> 00:03:44,740
...it would do 180 miles an hour.
59
00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:51,020
That was an astonishing
figure for the time.
60
00:03:53,820 --> 00:03:57,780
It had the speed
and the celebrity fan base.
61
00:03:57,820 --> 00:04:01,460
But the Testarossa was not
what you'd call politically correct.
62
00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:05,740
Consider, for example,
that the window switches
63
00:04:05,780 --> 00:04:09,220
are tiny little things hidden
here on the centre console.
64
00:04:09,260 --> 00:04:10,860
Where you'd expect them to be,
65
00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:14,180
that... well, obviously,
it's a huge ashtray.
66
00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:16,580
In fact, if they'd given
that a mirrored lid,
67
00:04:16,620 --> 00:04:18,620
it could have had two uses.
68
00:04:21,780 --> 00:04:25,939
If the 1980s were
the era of excess, then,
69
00:04:25,940 --> 00:04:28,580
well, this was
the perfect car for the era.
70
00:04:31,460 --> 00:04:35,940
I'm afraid Mr May has just
been wasting your time rather
71
00:04:36,020 --> 00:04:39,220
because that is not
the ultimate '80s supercar.
72
00:04:39,260 --> 00:04:40,940
This is.
73
00:04:43,580 --> 00:04:45,580
For sheer over-the-topness,
74
00:04:45,620 --> 00:04:49,180
nothing comes close to
the Lamborghini Countach.
75
00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:53,060
Alongside it,
76
00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:55,380
the Testarossa looks
like a family hatchback.
77
00:04:56,940 --> 00:04:58,939
If you think the Ferrari is wide,
78
00:04:58,940 --> 00:05:02,939
this is even wider.
79
00:05:02,940 --> 00:05:06,260
And the Testarossa's doors
don't open like this.
80
00:05:07,380 --> 00:05:09,020
(ENGINE REVVING)
81
00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:13,700
This version of the
Countach, the LP5000,
82
00:05:13,740 --> 00:05:16,540
was launched in 1985,
83
00:05:16,580 --> 00:05:20,180
specifically to put the
Testarossa back in its box.
84
00:05:22,220 --> 00:05:25,660
Its 48-valve, 5.2 litre-V12...
85
00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:30,220
...can take the Countach
to 186 miles an hour,
86
00:05:30,260 --> 00:05:34,420
or to be precise, more than the Ferrari.
87
00:05:34,460 --> 00:05:38,420
In fact, in its day, this was
the fastest production car in the world.
88
00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:42,140
I've got a Kevlar bonnet,
89
00:05:42,180 --> 00:05:46,060
I've got rear tyres
the size of road rollers.
90
00:05:46,100 --> 00:05:47,300
(TYRES SCREECH)
91
00:05:47,340 --> 00:05:49,580
We're talking ultimate supercar here.
92
00:05:51,940 --> 00:05:55,340
And this incredible machine...
93
00:05:55,380 --> 00:05:59,500
...came from a company that didn't
have half the resources of Ferrari.
94
00:06:00,620 --> 00:06:02,620
Let me give you an example.
95
00:06:02,660 --> 00:06:06,660
This car might look
super aerodynamic, like a missile.
96
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,580
But in fact, it never saw
the inside of a wind tunnel.
97
00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:11,620
They couldn't afford to put it in one.
98
00:06:11,660 --> 00:06:15,620
So instead, they ranthe a
prototype up and down the motorway,
99
00:06:15,660 --> 00:06:17,580
with bits of wool stuck all over it.
100
00:06:18,980 --> 00:06:20,220
I love that!
101
00:06:23,460 --> 00:06:25,580
Oh, hello. Here he comes.
102
00:06:25,620 --> 00:06:27,500
(TYRES SCREECHING)
103
00:06:29,740 --> 00:06:30,820
The also-ran.
104
00:06:32,820 --> 00:06:34,300
Mr Silver Medallist.
105
00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:38,180
(SNORTS)
106
00:06:38,220 --> 00:06:39,860
The trouble with that Lamborghini is,
107
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:42,940
it's a bit "all mouth and no trousers."
108
00:06:42,980 --> 00:06:44,980
Fastest car in the world, my arse!
109
00:06:48,980 --> 00:06:51,700
Even Lamborghini will admit
they ran slightly hooky cars
110
00:06:51,740 --> 00:06:53,620
when they did the performance testing.
111
00:06:53,660 --> 00:06:55,941
They took the mirrors off and
stripped weight out of them.
112
00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:57,660
Absolute flim-flam.
113
00:06:57,700 --> 00:06:59,620
(TYRES SCREECH)
114
00:07:03,420 --> 00:07:05,420
The thing is, supercars, to me,
115
00:07:05,460 --> 00:07:07,860
are all about being the ultimate.
116
00:07:07,900 --> 00:07:10,900
It doesn't matter what
that is, but it has to be an ultimate.
117
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:16,340
And this is the ultimate
bedroom wall poster car.
118
00:07:16,380 --> 00:07:19,100
When I first saw one of these as a kid,
119
00:07:19,140 --> 00:07:21,620
it lit a flame in my heart.
120
00:07:21,660 --> 00:07:24,940
And when I saw one today,
as a middle-aged man,
121
00:07:24,980 --> 00:07:28,580
that same flame roared into life.
122
00:07:28,620 --> 00:07:30,460
(ENGINES REVVING,
TYRES SCREECHING)
123
00:07:34,580 --> 00:07:37,180
Listen to that noise!
124
00:07:37,220 --> 00:07:38,780
(EXHAUST BACKFIRING)
125
00:07:38,820 --> 00:07:40,100
It's like a gun going off!
126
00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:47,180
The problem is, the Lamborghini
Countach wasn't really a car.
127
00:07:47,220 --> 00:07:51,300
It wasn't really for
driving... but this was.
128
00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:54,100
It's got a proper boot,
a decent-sized fuel tank,
129
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:55,620
it's got comfortable seats.
130
00:07:55,660 --> 00:07:59,540
It's actually a continent
crushing touring car.
131
00:08:03,940 --> 00:08:05,260
(ENGINE REVVING)
132
00:08:07,620 --> 00:08:09,620
Eventually, we pulled over
133
00:08:09,660 --> 00:08:12,580
so we could continue
arguing face to chest.
134
00:08:14,900 --> 00:08:16,820
Oh, brakes on. Brilliant.
135
00:08:18,180 --> 00:08:19,780
JAMES: On the line.
136
00:08:19,820 --> 00:08:21,380
Right.
137
00:08:21,420 --> 00:08:23,780
Oh, that's not...
138
00:08:23,820 --> 00:08:26,260
That doesn't help much in there.
139
00:08:26,300 --> 00:08:27,900
You can't see behind you, can you?
140
00:08:27,940 --> 00:08:30,140
I just want to be really
accurate and you can help.
141
00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:31,900
That's in the way and that's in the way.
142
00:08:31,940 --> 00:08:33,780
That's why the early ones
had a periscope.
143
00:08:33,820 --> 00:08:36,940
I've got a better idea.
There's a cool thing I can do here.
144
00:08:36,980 --> 00:08:40,539
If you sit here like... this...
145
00:08:40,540 --> 00:08:44,220
...and then you can put it
in reverse, there...
146
00:08:44,260 --> 00:08:45,700
You're gonna run over your own foot.
147
00:08:45,740 --> 00:08:48,860
- On no RPM. How cool is this?
- Yes, it is moving. Yes, yes.
148
00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:50,899
- I look pretty cool.
- You're all right.
149
00:08:50,900 --> 00:08:52,420
You're all right.
150
00:08:52,460 --> 00:08:54,356
- I'm in my car but not...
- Bit of left hand down.
151
00:08:54,380 --> 00:08:55,900
- What? Oh, yeah.
- Left hand down.
152
00:08:55,980 --> 00:08:58,780
It's like being out of
the side of a helicopter in Vietnam.
153
00:08:59,860 --> 00:09:02,100
It's that cool. Yeah.
154
00:09:02,140 --> 00:09:04,539
I was just explaining to the
viewers before we stopped
155
00:09:04,540 --> 00:09:06,100
what a sham this car is.
156
00:09:06,140 --> 00:09:08,140
That rear wing has no effect
157
00:09:08,180 --> 00:09:10,740
other than to slow the car down
158
00:09:10,780 --> 00:09:13,100
and make the front go light
when you're at high speed.
159
00:09:13,140 --> 00:09:15,140
It's actually worse than that
cos it's illegal.
160
00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:18,020
They didn't have the money
to homologate it properly.
161
00:09:18,060 --> 00:09:20,060
So they'd build the cars in the factory
162
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,779
then wheel them out
into the car park
163
00:09:21,780 --> 00:09:23,476
and a man screwed them on
with a power drill.
164
00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:25,539
Genuinely. And I love that about it!
165
00:09:25,540 --> 00:09:28,380
- In the car park?
- In the car park, finished it off. I love that!
166
00:09:28,420 --> 00:09:31,860
Why don't we tell the viewers how the
indicator stalk on your supercar...
167
00:09:31,900 --> 00:09:34,500
(LAUGHING) ...comes
from a Morris Marina?
168
00:09:34,540 --> 00:09:36,220
Well, why don't we talk about the fact
169
00:09:36,260 --> 00:09:39,060
that the electric door mirror
adjustors on yours
170
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:41,620
are out of an Austin Montego?
171
00:09:41,660 --> 00:09:43,420
- I was hoping you didn't know that.
- I did.
172
00:09:43,460 --> 00:09:45,900
Ahem. Rod Stewart had a Testarossa.
173
00:09:45,980 --> 00:09:48,660
Rod Stewart had a Countach.
174
00:09:48,740 --> 00:09:50,740
Oh, yeah.
175
00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:54,620
JAMES: Unable to agree on anything,
176
00:09:54,660 --> 00:09:56,900
we decided to take a more
intellectual approach...
177
00:09:58,540 --> 00:10:00,660
...by having a drag race.
178
00:10:00,740 --> 00:10:04,300
Now, on paper,
the Lamborghini is faster, definitely.
179
00:10:04,340 --> 00:10:06,300
But as we've already observed,
180
00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:09,060
Lamborghini were a bit fast and
loose with their performance figures
181
00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:10,540
back in the day.
182
00:10:10,620 --> 00:10:13,420
So now, finally,
we can find out for real.
183
00:10:15,020 --> 00:10:17,539
However, as we sat on the start line,
184
00:10:17,540 --> 00:10:20,779
something occurred to us.
185
00:10:20,780 --> 00:10:22,500
These are privately owned
cars, aren't they?
186
00:10:22,540 --> 00:10:23,980
RICHARD: Correct, yeah.
187
00:10:24,020 --> 00:10:25,540
Well, the thing is,
188
00:10:25,620 --> 00:10:27,620
Testarossas don't really
like standing starts,
189
00:10:27,660 --> 00:10:30,900
cos they tend to blow
their own differentials up.
190
00:10:30,980 --> 00:10:33,300
How much is a new differential?
191
00:10:33,340 --> 00:10:37,180
It's £26,000.
192
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:39,220
Actually, I'm quite glad
you've mentioned that.
193
00:10:39,260 --> 00:10:41,260
Because these don't like
standing starts either.
194
00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:43,300
It's those huge rear tyres.
195
00:10:43,340 --> 00:10:45,740
You get a fried clutch
and a split gearbox casing.
196
00:10:45,780 --> 00:10:47,899
JAMES: How much does that cost?
197
00:10:47,900 --> 00:10:50,220
- £36,000.
- Ooh!
198
00:10:50,260 --> 00:10:55,380
So, in all, that's £62,000 at risk.
199
00:10:55,420 --> 00:10:58,260
I know. I fancy something
we don't normally do -
200
00:10:58,300 --> 00:11:00,300
a rolling start drag race.
201
00:11:00,340 --> 00:11:01,625
Yes, I do too! I've always
202
00:11:01,650 --> 00:11:03,700
wanted to try a rolling start drag race.
203
00:11:03,740 --> 00:11:04,765
And for some reason,
204
00:11:04,790 --> 00:11:07,044
today in these cars,
I prefer that option.
205
00:11:08,140 --> 00:11:09,700
(ENGINES REVVING)
206
00:11:09,740 --> 00:11:11,660
So, when the light went green,
207
00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:14,780
we gently pull away together.
208
00:11:14,820 --> 00:11:17,780
And then, at the white line, floor it.
209
00:11:17,820 --> 00:11:19,380
(ENGINES REVVING)
210
00:11:24,740 --> 00:11:25,980
Rolling start.
211
00:11:27,060 --> 00:11:28,940
Across the line and bin it!
212
00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:31,940
And they're off.
213
00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:36,060
(ENGINE ACCELERATES)
214
00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:39,660
He's getting away.
215
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:43,660
What an astonishing feeling!
216
00:11:47,260 --> 00:11:50,100
Aww! An angry Countach!
217
00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:54,060
140...
218
00:11:57,140 --> 00:11:58,380
Agh!
219
00:12:01,860 --> 00:12:03,780
- (CHUCKLES)
- JAMES: There you go.
220
00:12:03,820 --> 00:12:05,740
The bull has kicked the horse's arse.
221
00:12:07,860 --> 00:12:10,420
Even through that
ridiculously small window,
222
00:12:10,460 --> 00:12:11,860
you look smug.
223
00:12:11,900 --> 00:12:13,460
Oh, I am, mate, because I won.
224
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:15,300
And it matters.
225
00:12:15,340 --> 00:12:17,340
It does matter,
that's the annoying thing.
226
00:12:17,380 --> 00:12:19,100
It really matters.
227
00:12:19,140 --> 00:12:20,940
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
228
00:12:20,980 --> 00:12:24,300
RICHARD: Legendary cars.
They are legends.
229
00:12:24,340 --> 00:12:25,996
- Fabulous.
- It was a privilege, wasn't it?
230
00:12:26,020 --> 00:12:28,060
- Special.
- Yeah.
231
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:29,833
A couple of things I think you
232
00:12:29,858 --> 00:12:31,740
forgot to mention in that film.
233
00:12:31,780 --> 00:12:33,260
The Countach.
234
00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:35,460
The steering feels like
it's set in concrete,
235
00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:37,700
so does the gear lever,
so do the pedals.
236
00:12:37,740 --> 00:12:39,380
And if you use the air conditioning,
237
00:12:39,420 --> 00:12:42,300
it's like you're being
breathed on by a hot dog.
238
00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:43,700
(LAUGHTER)
239
00:12:43,740 --> 00:12:45,660
He is right about that.
240
00:12:45,700 --> 00:12:47,917
And you can't talk either, cos your
241
00:12:47,942 --> 00:12:49,580
roly-poly barge Testarossa
242
00:12:49,620 --> 00:12:53,580
was, as you said, driven
by a man from Miami Vice
243
00:12:53,620 --> 00:12:55,620
who rolled his jacket sleeves up.
244
00:12:55,660 --> 00:12:58,180
The Duke of Edinburgh
doesn't do that, does he?
245
00:12:58,220 --> 00:13:00,380
- Earl Haig doesn't do that.
- Hang on a minute!
246
00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:02,820
- What?
- By attacking those cars,
247
00:13:02,860 --> 00:13:04,860
you are destroying
the very foundations
248
00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:07,060
of everything we love
and hold precious.
249
00:13:07,134 --> 00:13:10,214
Mm-hm. And now it's time to
destroy them a little bit more
250
00:13:10,254 --> 00:13:14,494
by seeing how slowly those
cars go round The Eboladrome.
251
00:13:14,534 --> 00:13:16,814
(ENGINE REVS)
252
00:13:16,854 --> 00:13:19,854
And it's off in a
clutch-slipping, smoky start.
253
00:13:19,894 --> 00:13:21,894
Ooh, it's wet.
254
00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:24,494
And look at that lunging
and pitching there.
255
00:13:25,734 --> 00:13:28,294
As she heads on to the Isn't.
256
00:13:28,334 --> 00:13:30,894
Having a look at the gear lever,
make sure it hasn't fallen off.
257
00:13:30,934 --> 00:13:34,174
Sleeves very sensibly rolled down.
258
00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:36,974
Look at the body roll on it. Here we go.
259
00:13:37,014 --> 00:13:38,694
Oh, she's fighting the wheel there.
260
00:13:38,734 --> 00:13:42,934
More lean, as she lunges down
to Your Name Here.
261
00:13:42,974 --> 00:13:45,774
It really is dodge, duck, dip, dive.
262
00:13:45,814 --> 00:13:48,854
It's like watching
Dodgeball, only slower.
263
00:13:48,894 --> 00:13:51,734
And less amusing.
264
00:13:51,774 --> 00:13:53,774
Another glance down at the gear lever.
265
00:13:53,814 --> 00:13:56,334
And now ringing out that flat 12.
266
00:13:59,494 --> 00:14:02,534
Powerboating back
towards Old Lady's House
267
00:14:02,574 --> 00:14:04,494
in a wake of spray.
268
00:14:06,134 --> 00:14:07,934
I can't imagine she's enjoying this.
269
00:14:07,974 --> 00:14:09,414
Right, hard on the brakes.
270
00:14:09,454 --> 00:14:12,414
Taking a wisely cautious line in there.
271
00:14:12,454 --> 00:14:15,534
Has it stopped? No, still moving, just.
272
00:14:15,574 --> 00:14:20,734
And now, yeah, lumbering
towards Substation.
273
00:14:20,774 --> 00:14:22,574
In fairness, it does sound quite good.
274
00:14:22,614 --> 00:14:23,974
(ENGINE ROARS)
275
00:14:24,014 --> 00:14:26,014
Very good, actually.
276
00:14:26,054 --> 00:14:28,854
Wallowing through there
like a Rolls-Royce Corniche.
277
00:14:28,894 --> 00:14:30,894
Just Field of Sheep to go.
278
00:14:30,934 --> 00:14:32,934
Yes, she's sliding it!
279
00:14:32,974 --> 00:14:34,894
And across the line.
280
00:14:37,454 --> 00:14:39,374
- She's nuts.
- That was absolutely nuts.
281
00:14:42,014 --> 00:14:43,480
Sliding a Testarossa I wouldn't
282
00:14:43,505 --> 00:14:45,134
do that for all the tea in China.
283
00:14:45,174 --> 00:14:47,294
Technical point that might
confuse the viewers.
284
00:14:47,334 --> 00:14:49,574
You just said,
"The roar from the flat 12,"
285
00:14:49,614 --> 00:14:51,854
which is sort of right
but I said, "V12,"
286
00:14:51,894 --> 00:14:53,974
which is also sort of right,
cos it's not a boxer.
287
00:14:54,014 --> 00:14:56,534
So it's a 180-degree flat V12.
288
00:14:56,574 --> 00:14:57,870
- Like that.
- Literally not interested.
289
00:14:57,894 --> 00:14:59,934
- It's a flat...
- (LAUGHTER)
290
00:14:59,974 --> 00:15:01,214
It's a flattish V12.
291
00:15:01,254 --> 00:15:04,294
Anyway, it's now time to
see how the Lambo got on.
292
00:15:04,334 --> 00:15:06,334
(ENGINE REVVING)
293
00:15:06,374 --> 00:15:09,734
And it's a snappier start
for the Countach,
294
00:15:09,774 --> 00:15:13,774
mashing its fat rear tyres
into that sodden Tarmac.
295
00:15:14,854 --> 00:15:16,614
It really is sodden.
296
00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:19,174
A quick look down to make
sure it's in gear there.
297
00:15:19,214 --> 00:15:23,854
Now easing off through the
second curve on the straight.
298
00:15:23,894 --> 00:15:26,654
And back on the power
towards Your Name here.
299
00:15:26,694 --> 00:15:30,374
No need for Abbie
to go to the gym this week.
300
00:15:30,414 --> 00:15:33,214
She's getting all the workout
she needs in the Lambo.
301
00:15:34,974 --> 00:15:36,974
Turning in hard as she dare.
302
00:15:37,014 --> 00:15:40,094
Rear wing doing
absolutely nothing as usual.
303
00:15:43,294 --> 00:15:46,214
Ooh, I thought it was
gonna take off there!
304
00:15:46,254 --> 00:15:50,294
And now the joyless wrestle
back towards Old Lady's House.
305
00:15:52,294 --> 00:15:54,294
Through the rain.
306
00:15:54,334 --> 00:15:57,774
A rush of the brakes, I felt,
at the mid-point there.
307
00:15:57,814 --> 00:16:01,814
Now, much harder braking
and down through the gears.
308
00:16:01,854 --> 00:16:06,014
It sounded like an angry
tractor at low revs.
309
00:16:06,054 --> 00:16:07,974
And now in the damp dash
towards Substation.
310
00:16:08,014 --> 00:16:09,294
(ENGINE REVVING)
311
00:16:09,334 --> 00:16:10,814
That makes an even better noise
312
00:16:10,854 --> 00:16:13,054
than the Ferrari, really.
313
00:16:13,094 --> 00:16:15,094
Brilliant. Just two corners left.
314
00:16:15,134 --> 00:16:18,094
Will she get this one
sliding in Field of Sheep?
315
00:16:18,134 --> 00:16:21,414
Bit of a wiggle there but
through the Field of Sheep?
316
00:16:21,454 --> 00:16:23,374
No, and there we are, across the line!
317
00:16:25,894 --> 00:16:27,814
- Brave.
- Brave.
318
00:16:29,134 --> 00:16:31,814
Right.
319
00:16:31,854 --> 00:16:35,814
Let's see where they go on
the board, Lamborghini first.
320
00:16:35,854 --> 00:16:37,774
RICHARD: Hang on, that's
the bottom of the board.
321
00:16:37,814 --> 00:16:39,590
JEREMY: They're not going
to the top, are they?
322
00:16:39,614 --> 00:16:41,694
See, look at that. 30th place.
323
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,214
It's faster than a Ford Fiesta.
324
00:16:43,254 --> 00:16:45,254
I mean, come on. That's pretty good.
325
00:16:45,294 --> 00:16:47,534
JEREMY: That is tragically slow!
326
00:16:47,574 --> 00:16:51,134
- It was a long time ago!
- (JAMES LAUGHS)
327
00:16:51,174 --> 00:16:53,214
It doesn't look good, does it?
328
00:16:53,254 --> 00:16:55,174
Honda Civic, Ford Focus -
they're all quicker.
329
00:16:56,414 --> 00:16:58,374
All right, one good thing is,
330
00:16:58,414 --> 00:16:59,552
the Testarossa can't be much
331
00:16:59,577 --> 00:17:00,998
slower than that. Let's find out.
332
00:17:03,214 --> 00:17:05,134
- (LAUGHTER)
- RICHARD: My God!
333
00:17:06,414 --> 00:17:08,294
Oh, God!
334
00:17:08,334 --> 00:17:10,014
It is faster than the Up!
335
00:17:10,054 --> 00:17:11,750
And they're both in the wet
so that's a fair comparison.
336
00:17:11,774 --> 00:17:13,774
Loser, I believe.
337
00:17:13,814 --> 00:17:15,853
JEREMY: Look, I think
we have to face facts here.
338
00:17:15,854 --> 00:17:17,854
They're two very slow cars.
339
00:17:17,934 --> 00:17:21,494
But at least they are expensive
340
00:17:21,534 --> 00:17:24,734
and horrible to drive.
341
00:17:24,774 --> 00:17:29,534
Anyway, now it's time to
bite into a cake of debate,
342
00:17:29,574 --> 00:17:32,694
from the café of chat...
343
00:17:32,734 --> 00:17:36,094
...on the corner of Conversation Street.
344
00:17:36,134 --> 00:17:38,054
(MELLOW JAZZ)
345
00:17:40,134 --> 00:17:41,574
(LAUGHTER)
346
00:17:49,014 --> 00:17:52,294
I think after 36 of those
we are running out of ideas.
347
00:17:52,334 --> 00:17:54,134
It was getting desperate.
348
00:17:54,214 --> 00:17:56,214
Now, any young people here,
349
00:17:56,254 --> 00:17:58,254
looking forward to
driving maybe one day?
350
00:17:58,294 --> 00:18:01,613
Thinking the future holds a
Ferrari for you, Lamborghini.
351
00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:03,614
Afraid not.
There's a company in Aberdeen
352
00:18:03,694 --> 00:18:07,134
who've decided that the future
actually will look like this.
353
00:18:07,214 --> 00:18:08,853
- RICHARD: Oh, God.
- (LAUGHTER)
354
00:18:08,854 --> 00:18:10,613
- JAMES: Bloody hell.
- RICHARD: Really?
355
00:18:10,614 --> 00:18:12,094
JAMES: Electric?
356
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:14,374
JEREMY: Of course
they're electric, obviously.
357
00:18:14,454 --> 00:18:16,454
Range of 35 miles.
They're stackable cars.
358
00:18:16,494 --> 00:18:19,974
Wait, so they work like the
human centipede, then?
359
00:18:20,014 --> 00:18:22,014
(LAUGHTER)
360
00:18:22,054 --> 00:18:24,094
Not exactly like that, no.
361
00:18:24,134 --> 00:18:25,974
No. No...
362
00:18:26,014 --> 00:18:28,094
No.
363
00:18:28,134 --> 00:18:30,133
What I mean is, they're all
connected together.
364
00:18:30,134 --> 00:18:32,174
Yeah, they're connected,
exactly. They're connected.
365
00:18:32,214 --> 00:18:35,094
Hang on, what if you're in
the one in the middle, right?
366
00:18:35,134 --> 00:18:38,133
And you want to go a different
way to the one in the front.
367
00:18:38,134 --> 00:18:39,814
What are you gonna do?
368
00:18:39,854 --> 00:18:42,094
It's worse than that.
If you're in the middle
369
00:18:42,134 --> 00:18:43,910
and go a different way,
you won't have any wheels.
370
00:18:43,934 --> 00:18:46,070
They'll be left attached to the
ones in the front and back.
371
00:18:46,094 --> 00:18:48,054
RICHARD:
There's not enough wheels.
372
00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:49,393
I grant you, it looks ridiculous
373
00:18:49,418 --> 00:18:50,814
that the front and back separate.
374
00:18:50,854 --> 00:18:52,853
"We've got no bloody wheels!"
375
00:18:52,854 --> 00:18:53,928
Actually, it's an optical illusion,
376
00:18:53,952 --> 00:18:54,790
the back wheels are inboard.
377
00:18:54,814 --> 00:18:56,374
So you do have wheels.
378
00:18:56,454 --> 00:18:58,254
But what if you were in the back one
379
00:18:58,294 --> 00:19:00,510
and it was being driven by Richard
Hammond from the front?
380
00:19:00,534 --> 00:19:02,454
- You'd be bloody terrified.
- Oh, all right!
381
00:19:03,534 --> 00:19:05,054
Yes, that is a point.
382
00:19:05,094 --> 00:19:07,494
But I don't think you quite
understand how this works.
383
00:19:07,534 --> 00:19:09,094
I'll need to check it out.
384
00:19:10,934 --> 00:19:12,934
It's quite complicated so bear with me.
385
00:19:12,974 --> 00:19:14,862
You see, the idea is these cars are
386
00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:16,878
sort of everywhere for people to use.
387
00:19:16,934 --> 00:19:18,854
And then at night, a man goes round
388
00:19:18,879 --> 00:19:20,774
in the green one, the one in front,
389
00:19:20,814 --> 00:19:22,974
and he collects all the
others up behind him.
390
00:19:23,014 --> 00:19:24,530
He's a bit like those men you see
391
00:19:24,555 --> 00:19:26,133
at airports, with all the trolleys,
392
00:19:26,134 --> 00:19:27,669
and he ends up with that two-mile
393
00:19:27,694 --> 00:19:29,294
snake that bashes into your ankles.
394
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:31,494
- It's like that.
- So it gathers them all up?
395
00:19:31,534 --> 00:19:34,094
So, hang on a minute. You drive
home in the evening, say.
396
00:19:34,134 --> 00:19:35,974
- Mm-hm.
- In your car.
397
00:19:36,014 --> 00:19:37,166
You get up next morning but it's gone
398
00:19:37,190 --> 00:19:38,134
because a bloke's collected it?
399
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,853
- (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah.
400
00:19:40,854 --> 00:19:43,294
That doesn't work because most
journeys by car are two-way.
401
00:19:43,334 --> 00:19:45,214
You get there,
then you need to get back.
402
00:19:45,254 --> 00:19:47,134
Unless you're driving to Dignitas.
403
00:19:48,814 --> 00:19:50,334
No, they'd work for that.
404
00:19:50,374 --> 00:19:52,494
Maybe it's a Dignitas
collection service.
405
00:19:52,534 --> 00:19:55,374
The thing is, I'm going to
try and work out how it...
406
00:19:55,454 --> 00:19:58,774
It's quite complicated.
They have actually...
407
00:19:58,814 --> 00:20:02,054
There is a flow chart that explains
how it works. Put that up.
408
00:20:02,094 --> 00:20:04,574
- Here we are.
- RICHARD: Oh, I see!
409
00:20:04,614 --> 00:20:07,614
You're stabbed in the back with
a giant fork, and briefcase,
410
00:20:07,694 --> 00:20:10,853
then you bump into
one-and-two-thirds cars,
411
00:20:10,854 --> 00:20:12,483
that turn into half a car, that
412
00:20:12,508 --> 00:20:14,373
crash into a picture of a train...
413
00:20:14,374 --> 00:20:16,613
This makes no sense at all!
414
00:20:16,614 --> 00:20:19,294
No, hang on a minute. You've
got that wrong, haven't you?
415
00:20:19,334 --> 00:20:20,731
You get into two cars but only
416
00:20:20,756 --> 00:20:22,454
drive off in three-quarters of one.
417
00:20:22,494 --> 00:20:23,994
And you go to the station, because
418
00:20:24,019 --> 00:20:25,494
presumably you're going somewhere,
419
00:20:25,534 --> 00:20:26,667
but whilst you're going somewhere,
420
00:20:26,691 --> 00:20:27,830
somebody takes it and puts it back.
421
00:20:27,854 --> 00:20:30,134
You get back to the station
you haven't got a bloody car!
422
00:20:30,214 --> 00:20:31,373
That doesn't work!
423
00:20:31,374 --> 00:20:33,374
No, what they're saying is,
424
00:20:33,454 --> 00:20:36,613
the future is going to be
very inconvenient.
425
00:20:36,614 --> 00:20:38,094
Yeah, it sounds that way.
426
00:20:38,134 --> 00:20:40,054
That's basically
what they're actually saying.
427
00:20:40,094 --> 00:20:41,614
I've got a blindingly good idea,
428
00:20:41,639 --> 00:20:43,158
I'd like to run this by you...
429
00:20:43,214 --> 00:20:45,094
- Sure.
- ...in a committee fashion.
430
00:20:45,134 --> 00:20:48,294
What if... we had a car of our own.
431
00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:51,454
You could buy it or lease it,
but it was, like, your car.
432
00:20:51,494 --> 00:20:53,494
And then... No, it's crazy, I know.
433
00:20:53,534 --> 00:20:55,214
Then there'd be a pretty good chance
434
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,614
it would be wherever it was
when you last left it...
435
00:20:57,694 --> 00:21:00,334
- when you came back to it.
- So all these people -
436
00:21:00,374 --> 00:21:01,990
you've left cars in
the car park here, have you?
437
00:21:02,014 --> 00:21:04,853
- So they'd still be there...
- That's exactly it!
438
00:21:04,854 --> 00:21:07,294
They won't have been collected
up by a random stranger.
439
00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:10,294
Imagine this - you go out
and your car's still there. Brilliant.
440
00:21:10,334 --> 00:21:11,934
Let me run with that, if I may.
441
00:21:11,974 --> 00:21:15,014
What if you could run these
cars on a kind of magic juice?
442
00:21:15,054 --> 00:21:16,694
(LAUGHTER)
443
00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:18,430
Takes two or three minutes
to replenish them,
444
00:21:18,454 --> 00:21:20,054
you go hundreds of miles.
445
00:21:20,094 --> 00:21:22,373
- What magic juice?
- Well, you could get it from underground.
446
00:21:22,374 --> 00:21:25,734
- What's it made of?
- Squashed prawns?
447
00:21:25,774 --> 00:21:27,373
(LAUGHTER)
448
00:21:27,374 --> 00:21:29,374
It's all sounding a bit
improbable, mate.
449
00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:31,454
Well, let's take on the
company from Aberdeen
450
00:21:31,494 --> 00:21:34,454
and see who gets it more right.
451
00:21:34,494 --> 00:21:36,373
Can I talk about Robert Kubica?
452
00:21:36,374 --> 00:21:39,294
Polish Formula One driver,
there's a picture of him now.
453
00:21:39,334 --> 00:21:41,254
A few years ago,
eight years ago actually,
454
00:21:41,294 --> 00:21:42,765
he had a terrible accident while
455
00:21:42,790 --> 00:21:44,398
doing a spot of rallying for fun.
456
00:21:44,454 --> 00:21:45,854
That was the car. You see the
457
00:21:45,879 --> 00:21:47,494
crash barrier went into the car.
458
00:21:47,534 --> 00:21:50,134
Broke every single bone on
the right side of his body,
459
00:21:50,214 --> 00:21:52,454
everything from his
heel to his shoulder.
460
00:21:52,494 --> 00:21:56,014
Had a seven-hour operation
to put his arm back on again,
461
00:21:56,054 --> 00:21:58,614
and then 17 more operations after that.
462
00:21:58,654 --> 00:22:00,454
And his arm still doesn't work properly,
463
00:22:00,494 --> 00:22:03,534
but this weekend he is back
in a Formula One car.
464
00:22:03,574 --> 00:22:05,574
And I'd just like say,
that's bloody brilliant.
465
00:22:05,614 --> 00:22:07,614
What a man!
466
00:22:07,654 --> 00:22:09,374
RICHARD: Determination.
467
00:22:09,414 --> 00:22:10,814
Like um...
468
00:22:13,294 --> 00:22:16,014
Mark Webber, OK, the Aussie F1 guy,
469
00:22:16,054 --> 00:22:17,774
former F1 guy,
470
00:22:17,814 --> 00:22:19,974
he welcomed him back to
Formula One by tweeting:
471
00:22:20,014 --> 00:22:21,910
(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
"Poland's man is coming back,
472
00:22:21,934 --> 00:22:24,894
what a warrior
and tenacious prick he is."
473
00:22:24,934 --> 00:22:27,254
Now, to be fair, to be fair
for an Australian,
474
00:22:27,294 --> 00:22:29,254
that is getting quite
soppy and sentimental.
475
00:22:29,294 --> 00:22:31,614
"Ah, yeah, he's a prick."
476
00:22:31,654 --> 00:22:33,894
Oh, now. As I'm sure you know,
477
00:22:33,934 --> 00:22:35,894
there's a lot of work
going on at the moment
478
00:22:35,934 --> 00:22:37,934
with sort of electric cars,
driverless cars
479
00:22:37,974 --> 00:22:40,190
- and the future of transportation and so on.
- Yes, we have noticed.
480
00:22:40,214 --> 00:22:43,374
Exactly. All I want is
something that stops things
481
00:22:43,414 --> 00:22:45,894
falling down the side of the
seat when you're driving along.
482
00:22:45,934 --> 00:22:47,734
I want the car I've got now,
483
00:22:47,774 --> 00:22:49,774
but just something that
stops that happening.
484
00:22:49,814 --> 00:22:51,974
- That's it?
- That is the sum total of your ambition?
485
00:22:52,014 --> 00:22:53,574
Yes, it is...
486
00:22:53,614 --> 00:22:55,670
At this period of fundamental
change in the whole concept
487
00:22:55,694 --> 00:22:58,694
of car ownership, car usage,
car functionality...
488
00:22:58,734 --> 00:23:01,214
Mm-hm, that's all I want,
something that...
489
00:23:01,254 --> 00:23:03,654
Cos they say it's dangerous
to tweet when you're driving.
490
00:23:03,694 --> 00:23:05,134
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
491
00:23:05,174 --> 00:23:06,494
Driving along like that,
492
00:23:06,534 --> 00:23:08,310
and "Oh, no, I've dropped
my phone down there."
493
00:23:08,334 --> 00:23:10,374
You've got the seat lifted,
your head's squashed,
494
00:23:10,414 --> 00:23:12,414
you're desperately shoving
your hand down there,
495
00:23:12,454 --> 00:23:15,574
shoving it in, all the skin's
been peeled back at the side.
496
00:23:15,614 --> 00:23:17,054
"I'll get it, I'll get it."
497
00:23:17,094 --> 00:23:20,214
- "Like a... Like a determined vet."
- Exactly!
498
00:23:20,254 --> 00:23:22,054
Exactly!
499
00:23:22,094 --> 00:23:24,494
- (LAUGHTER)
- Not exactly.
500
00:23:24,534 --> 00:23:26,774
- Sort of, like...
- "Come on, mole, give birth!"
501
00:23:26,814 --> 00:23:28,294
(GRUNTS) "It's burst!"
502
00:23:28,334 --> 00:23:30,574
Why can't we just
have a little bit of a f...
503
00:23:30,614 --> 00:23:32,357
I mean,
I'm doing it on this side because
504
00:23:32,382 --> 00:23:33,934
we're all British, but whatever side.
505
00:23:33,974 --> 00:23:36,573
A little flap of material
that stops things
506
00:23:36,598 --> 00:23:39,054
going down.
I mean, how hard can that be?
507
00:23:39,094 --> 00:23:41,174
I know what you mean, it is an issue.
508
00:23:41,214 --> 00:23:43,009
I once looked under the driver seat
509
00:23:43,034 --> 00:23:44,854
of my 911, and you'll remember this,
510
00:23:44,894 --> 00:23:47,454
I found eight pairs of sunglasses
I'd lost and replaced.
511
00:23:47,494 --> 00:23:49,174
- He did.
- Just all under there.
512
00:23:49,214 --> 00:23:51,414
There's house keys, ingots, relatives.
513
00:23:51,454 --> 00:23:54,134
There's also... And eventually you
do drop something.
514
00:23:54,174 --> 00:23:55,750
You know what it's like when you
drop something and you think,
515
00:23:55,774 --> 00:23:58,014
"I really do need to get that
back," so you have to stop.
516
00:23:58,054 --> 00:24:00,494
And then you can't get it
from here or from here.
517
00:24:00,534 --> 00:24:02,494
So then you have to go round the back,
518
00:24:02,534 --> 00:24:04,110
and you can never quite get in properly,
519
00:24:04,134 --> 00:24:05,854
so you've got your hand
under it like this.
520
00:24:05,894 --> 00:24:09,334
And there's always... There's
always what feels like
521
00:24:09,374 --> 00:24:11,774
a bit of furry mucus.
522
00:24:11,814 --> 00:24:13,814
No, there is! There is,
there is! You've seen it!
523
00:24:13,854 --> 00:24:15,854
- That is always there.
- Like a hairy tumour.
524
00:24:15,894 --> 00:24:17,254
And it's squidgy, and you go...
525
00:24:17,294 --> 00:24:19,614
There always, always is one of those,
526
00:24:19,654 --> 00:24:22,934
and it's always, always on top of
whatever it was you lost.
527
00:24:22,974 --> 00:24:25,374
Do you know, the Holy Grail
will probably turn up
528
00:24:25,414 --> 00:24:27,414
- under somebody's driving seat.
- It will.
529
00:24:27,454 --> 00:24:30,294
I tell you what, if you went
underneath everybody's seat,
530
00:24:30,334 --> 00:24:32,654
if you all tonight
when you go back to the car,
531
00:24:32,694 --> 00:24:34,334
have a look under your car seats,
532
00:24:34,374 --> 00:24:37,814
you will find enough loose
change to pay for Brexit.
533
00:24:37,854 --> 00:24:39,494
(LAUGHTER)
534
00:24:39,534 --> 00:24:41,374
It could do it, it could tip it.
535
00:24:41,414 --> 00:24:44,094
We could pretty much pay
the whole lot. Who's with me?
536
00:24:44,134 --> 00:24:46,814
AUDIENCE: Yes.
537
00:24:46,854 --> 00:24:48,854
There you go, you see,
people applauded...
538
00:24:48,894 --> 00:24:50,374
Well, three people applauded my idea.
539
00:24:50,414 --> 00:24:51,974
(LAUGHTER)
540
00:24:52,014 --> 00:24:53,534
- James?
- What?
541
00:24:53,574 --> 00:24:55,654
- Interesting news.
- RICHARD: Oh, God!
542
00:24:55,694 --> 00:24:57,414
What do you mean, "Oh, God"?
543
00:24:57,454 --> 00:25:00,374
Well, whenever one of you
two says, "Interesting news"
544
00:25:00,414 --> 00:25:02,214
it turns out to be about the war.
545
00:25:02,254 --> 00:25:05,374
- No, this... isn't about the war.
- (LAUGHTER)
546
00:25:05,414 --> 00:25:07,470
This is interesting news about
the speed of different birds.
547
00:25:07,494 --> 00:25:09,494
- Oh, that's even worse!
- Oh, I love this.
548
00:25:09,534 --> 00:25:11,534
We've talked about this before?
549
00:25:11,574 --> 00:25:14,374
They've been going on about
this ever since he claimed
550
00:25:14,414 --> 00:25:16,614
to have clocked a pigeon
doing 25 miles an hour.
551
00:25:16,654 --> 00:25:18,142
I did. I was driving alongside,
552
00:25:18,167 --> 00:25:20,014
there was a pigeon that was doing 25.
553
00:25:20,054 --> 00:25:25,414
Anyway, a Swiss speed camera
has clocked a duck...
554
00:25:25,454 --> 00:25:27,510
It's clocked a duck,
it's actually triggered the camera.
555
00:25:27,534 --> 00:25:29,534
Got a picture here, look, proving it.
556
00:25:29,574 --> 00:25:32,454
JAMES: Look at that!
And it took a picture of a duck.
557
00:25:32,494 --> 00:25:34,814
- JAMES: How fast was it going?
- JEREMY: 32 miles an hour.
558
00:25:34,854 --> 00:25:37,174
JAMES: There you go.
That's quite incredible.
559
00:25:37,214 --> 00:25:40,774
Cos if I was asked, I'd say
a duck would do 20 or 21...
560
00:25:40,814 --> 00:25:44,494
It's not quite incredible,
neither is it remotely interesting!
561
00:25:44,534 --> 00:25:46,734
It is interesting!
It's a piece of knowledge, Hammond!
562
00:25:46,774 --> 00:25:48,598
How can the world be a poorer place
563
00:25:48,623 --> 00:25:50,574
for having a bit more knowledge in it?
564
00:25:50,614 --> 00:25:52,534
- Exactly.
- Because that knowledge
565
00:25:52,574 --> 00:25:57,334
is peculiar and strange, and
doesn't matter a bugger to anybody.
566
00:25:57,374 --> 00:25:58,868
You're not gonna be mocking when
567
00:25:58,893 --> 00:26:00,734
you're Buttons in the panto in Swindon
568
00:26:00,774 --> 00:26:01,993
and Jeremy and I are waving at
569
00:26:02,018 --> 00:26:03,374
each other from our super yachts
570
00:26:03,414 --> 00:26:05,574
because of the global success
of our television series
571
00:26:05,614 --> 00:26:08,294
James And Jeremy's The Speed Of Birds.
572
00:26:08,334 --> 00:26:11,334
- It's gonna be absolutely massive.
- Who'd watch that?
573
00:26:11,374 --> 00:26:13,334
Come on, who'd watch The Speed Of Birds?
574
00:26:13,374 --> 00:26:15,894
Who wants to see him as
Buttons at the Swindon Wyvern?
575
00:26:15,934 --> 00:26:17,854
- Me.
- (CHEERING)
576
00:26:19,694 --> 00:26:22,654
No! Never!
577
00:26:22,694 --> 00:26:25,034
I think that marks the end
of Conversation Street.
578
00:26:25,059 --> 00:26:27,854
JEREMY: Yes. I think it does.
I think I'll move it on,
579
00:26:27,894 --> 00:26:32,694
because all of us agree that
we do love a hot hatchback.
580
00:26:32,734 --> 00:26:34,651
Yeah, we love that they're practical,
581
00:26:34,676 --> 00:26:36,214
cheap to run, cheap to repair,
582
00:26:36,254 --> 00:26:38,454
but they still go like demented baboons.
583
00:26:38,494 --> 00:26:42,254
Yeah, and now there's a new
breed of small hot hatchback.
584
00:26:42,294 --> 00:26:45,174
And to find which one is
best, we took The Grand Tour
585
00:26:45,214 --> 00:26:48,134
to that field just over there.
586
00:26:51,894 --> 00:26:53,654
Yes, the start point for our test
587
00:26:53,694 --> 00:26:56,254
was our own track in Oxfordshire.
588
00:26:56,294 --> 00:26:59,014
And this is what we'd assembled.
589
00:27:00,494 --> 00:27:03,774
I've brought the new
Volkswagen Polo GTI,
590
00:27:03,814 --> 00:27:07,014
which has 197 horsepower.
591
00:27:07,054 --> 00:27:11,054
Richard Hammond has brought
the new Ford Fiesta ST,
592
00:27:11,094 --> 00:27:15,094
which also has 197 horsepower.
593
00:27:15,134 --> 00:27:18,734
James May has brought
the new Toyota Yaris,
594
00:27:18,774 --> 00:27:21,094
which has a ridiculous name,
595
00:27:21,134 --> 00:27:23,054
the "Grmn".
596
00:27:24,254 --> 00:27:26,174
Grmm-nn...
597
00:27:26,214 --> 00:27:28,054
Grmn. How do you say that? Grmm-nn...
598
00:27:28,094 --> 00:27:29,814
Grumuna.
599
00:27:29,854 --> 00:27:32,014
It isn't Grumuna,
there's no "a" at the end.
600
00:27:32,054 --> 00:27:34,014
It says "Grmn".
601
00:27:34,054 --> 00:27:36,454
- It is a funny name.
- What does it mean, Grmn?
602
00:27:36,494 --> 00:27:40,374
Gazoo Racing Meisters
of the Nurburgring.
603
00:27:40,414 --> 00:27:43,094
- Oh! Your favourite place!
- That's where it was developed.
604
00:27:43,134 --> 00:27:45,094
JEREMY: And what is Gazoo Racing?
605
00:27:45,134 --> 00:27:47,134
JAMES: Gazoo Racing is
Toyota's racing division.
606
00:27:47,174 --> 00:27:49,574
This has been done
by a small group of people
607
00:27:49,614 --> 00:27:51,374
dedicating themselves over two years
608
00:27:51,414 --> 00:27:53,134
to making this the perfect hot hatch.
609
00:27:53,174 --> 00:27:55,974
Stiffened body shell, shorter
springs, SACHS dampers.
610
00:27:56,014 --> 00:27:58,814
It's got a supercharger, it's
got special forged wheels,
611
00:27:58,854 --> 00:28:01,494
it's got special tyres, it's
got stiffened anti-roll bars.
612
00:28:01,534 --> 00:28:04,534
It's even got a different steering
rack from the standard Yaris.
613
00:28:04,574 --> 00:28:06,614
That's proper hot-hatch technology.
614
00:28:06,654 --> 00:28:10,334
My car is just over £21,000,
yours is what?
615
00:28:10,374 --> 00:28:12,694
- RICHARD: Just shy of £20,000.
- JEREMY: Just under £20,000.
616
00:28:12,734 --> 00:28:15,334
Over £26,000.
617
00:28:15,374 --> 00:28:17,014
And worth every penny,
618
00:28:17,054 --> 00:28:19,414
because it's properly
developed as a hot hatchback.
619
00:28:19,454 --> 00:28:21,454
RICHARD: It's not a pretty car.
620
00:28:21,494 --> 00:28:23,974
- JAMES: I think it is.
- JEREMY: It's put make-up on one eye.
621
00:28:24,014 --> 00:28:26,174
Slightly mad make-up
on one eye, it's like Kiss.
622
00:28:26,214 --> 00:28:28,534
It's like watching my daughters
get ready in the morning.
623
00:28:28,574 --> 00:28:30,014
"Am I done?" "Yeah, you're done."
624
00:28:30,054 --> 00:28:31,334
Yours is a brown car.
625
00:28:31,374 --> 00:28:33,134
- It's not brown!
- That is brown.
626
00:28:33,174 --> 00:28:35,574
- Oh, yeah, it is.
- It isn't, it's mushroom.
627
00:28:35,614 --> 00:28:37,270
The cameramen know
about colour. Is it brown?
628
00:28:37,294 --> 00:28:38,990
- It's brown.
- CAMERAMAN: It's definitely brown.
629
00:28:39,014 --> 00:28:41,494
It's mushroom!
630
00:28:41,534 --> 00:28:44,254
JEREMY: At this point, we
decided that instead of arguing
631
00:28:44,294 --> 00:28:47,774
about which car was best, we
should do some actual tests,
632
00:28:47,814 --> 00:28:51,694
starting with a pursuit race.
633
00:28:51,734 --> 00:28:55,174
Each of us was spaced at equal
distances around the track
634
00:28:55,214 --> 00:28:57,134
and the rules were simple.
635
00:28:57,174 --> 00:28:59,694
When you're overtaken
by the car behind...
636
00:29:00,854 --> 00:29:03,294
...James is out.
637
00:29:03,334 --> 00:29:06,054
Can I just ask, why am
I starting on the gravel,
638
00:29:06,094 --> 00:29:08,934
on a bend, when you two are on Tarmac?
639
00:29:08,974 --> 00:29:10,974
- Have you got launch control?
- No.
640
00:29:11,014 --> 00:29:13,254
Well, that's your look-out,
then, isn't it? I have.
641
00:29:13,294 --> 00:29:16,134
- (CHUCKLES)
- All right, what-evs. Let's go.
642
00:29:18,454 --> 00:29:20,374
Launch control active! I'm ready.
643
00:29:21,454 --> 00:29:23,134
(ENGINE REVVING)
644
00:29:24,214 --> 00:29:27,174
RADIO: Three, two, one, go!
645
00:29:30,774 --> 00:29:33,334
Ooh, and we are away!
646
00:29:37,214 --> 00:29:38,214
Aw.
647
00:29:40,854 --> 00:29:42,174
It's a lively little thing, this.
648
00:29:48,534 --> 00:29:50,654
Let's not forget, shall we,
that Volkswagen
649
00:29:50,694 --> 00:29:57,094
invented the hot hatchback
and they're still the best at it.
650
00:29:57,134 --> 00:29:59,974
Take an ordinary hatchback,
stiffen the suspension,
651
00:30:00,014 --> 00:30:02,134
stiffen the body, give it a big engine.
652
00:30:02,174 --> 00:30:03,174
The end.
653
00:30:05,334 --> 00:30:06,574
Kazoo!
654
00:30:06,614 --> 00:30:09,934
It's nice, it feels taut.
What happens here?
655
00:30:09,974 --> 00:30:11,694
Where does it go?
656
00:30:17,134 --> 00:30:18,854
(TYRES SCREECH)
657
00:30:18,894 --> 00:30:20,814
This is cracking. I love these.
658
00:30:24,734 --> 00:30:26,734
Those little crackles and
bangs from the exhaust,
659
00:30:26,774 --> 00:30:28,334
it's got valves in it...
660
00:30:29,974 --> 00:30:31,854
...to make it sound good.
661
00:30:35,094 --> 00:30:38,134
Come on, come on, come on,
come on. And into the gravel cell.
662
00:30:42,294 --> 00:30:45,254
It's actually quite funny the
way the tail will slide round
663
00:30:45,294 --> 00:30:47,454
and then you can feel
the brakes grabbing
664
00:30:47,494 --> 00:30:49,414
to stop it actually spinning.
665
00:30:52,254 --> 00:30:55,254
That way, you can have lots of fun
666
00:30:55,294 --> 00:30:58,614
without there being
blood or an ambulance.
667
00:31:02,094 --> 00:31:04,414
No, got it wrong, and
I've got Jezza behind me.
668
00:31:05,934 --> 00:31:08,454
The "Grunumunum"
is right in my sights now.
669
00:31:10,854 --> 00:31:13,494
Come on, come on, come on.
This is exciting times now.
670
00:31:13,534 --> 00:31:15,934
Duh! Incorrect.
671
00:31:19,654 --> 00:31:21,374
Ah, that was, I overdid it.
672
00:31:23,374 --> 00:31:26,014
Hard to see wherethe I'm
going now due to the dust cloud
673
00:31:26,054 --> 00:31:27,974
from the "Grunumunummmnnmm".
674
00:31:31,694 --> 00:31:34,254
- Whoa!
- Oh, no, Hammond's catching Clarkson as well.
675
00:31:34,294 --> 00:31:36,094
This is getting very interesting.
676
00:31:37,934 --> 00:31:39,894
Right, time to reel Jeremy in.
677
00:31:42,334 --> 00:31:44,254
Come on, come on, come on, this is...
678
00:31:44,294 --> 00:31:45,654
Too wide.
679
00:31:46,974 --> 00:31:48,734
You're out! Ha ha!
680
00:31:48,774 --> 00:31:50,574
With the roadblock out of the way,
681
00:31:50,614 --> 00:31:52,894
it became a two-horse war of attrition.
682
00:31:55,134 --> 00:31:57,054
Come on, Clarkson, you're mine.
683
00:31:58,494 --> 00:32:00,134
Grip. Grip, grip, grip.
684
00:32:01,974 --> 00:32:03,334
(CACKLES)
685
00:32:06,254 --> 00:32:08,934
Hot hatchbacks are such a riot!
686
00:32:08,974 --> 00:32:10,894
They really are.
687
00:32:13,854 --> 00:32:16,174
If someone were to say to me
now, "Do you want to get out"
688
00:32:16,214 --> 00:32:19,894
and swap into a 911 Turbo or a 488?"
689
00:32:19,934 --> 00:32:22,974
I'd say, "No, I honestly
do not want to do that."
690
00:32:24,054 --> 00:32:25,174
(CACKLES)
691
00:32:28,054 --> 00:32:30,054
Oh, bit of lift-off oversteer.
692
00:32:30,094 --> 00:32:31,934
That's what you want in a hot hatch.
693
00:32:33,614 --> 00:32:35,254
Several laps later,
694
00:32:35,294 --> 00:32:38,734
both of us were still
the same distance apart.
695
00:32:40,854 --> 00:32:43,005
It's just occurred to me we both have
696
00:32:43,030 --> 00:32:45,694
the same knowledge of this track,
697
00:32:45,734 --> 00:32:48,054
we both have 197 horsepower.
698
00:32:49,134 --> 00:32:52,494
This race may take a while.
699
00:32:52,534 --> 00:32:54,278
JEREMY: However... Brakes are fading,
700
00:32:54,303 --> 00:32:55,654
I can feel them fading a bit.
701
00:32:55,694 --> 00:32:57,174
They do get hot.
702
00:32:57,214 --> 00:32:59,814
JEREMY: Mine meanwhile
had got smoky hot.
703
00:33:02,654 --> 00:33:06,454
So, much to the annoyance
of our colleague...
704
00:33:06,494 --> 00:33:09,454
...we decided to call it a draw.
705
00:33:09,494 --> 00:33:11,139
Can I just say, if this was a proper
706
00:33:11,164 --> 00:33:12,694
race rather than a catchy-up race,
707
00:33:12,734 --> 00:33:14,494
I'd be in the lead
because I treated my car
708
00:33:14,519 --> 00:33:16,134
properly and didn't overheat the brakes.
709
00:33:16,174 --> 00:33:17,774
- Have you heard this?
- I did hear that.
710
00:33:17,814 --> 00:33:19,094
You don't pause in a race!
711
00:33:19,134 --> 00:33:21,134
- So if you drive slowly, you win?
- Yes.
712
00:33:21,174 --> 00:33:24,454
Because my brakes aren't
overheating, I could still be...
713
00:33:24,494 --> 00:33:26,934
- You never went more than 28mph!
- Rubbish!
714
00:33:26,974 --> 00:33:28,337
When did you watch a motor race
715
00:33:28,362 --> 00:33:30,094
on the television, on Grandstand or...
716
00:33:30,134 --> 00:33:32,601
Rather than listen to any more of
717
00:33:32,626 --> 00:33:35,574
May's bizarre theories on motor sport...
718
00:33:35,614 --> 00:33:38,214
...we decide to move on
to the next challenge.
719
00:33:40,454 --> 00:33:42,374
A drag race.
720
00:33:42,414 --> 00:33:45,854
Let me talk you through the engine.
It's a two-litre turbo.
721
00:33:47,174 --> 00:33:48,654
What more do you want?
722
00:33:48,694 --> 00:33:51,894
Right, launch control. I'm ready.
723
00:33:51,934 --> 00:33:53,534
I'm also ready.
724
00:33:53,574 --> 00:33:55,974
James, on the other hand,
725
00:33:56,014 --> 00:33:58,654
has some explaining to do
about his "Grunumm..."
726
00:34:00,654 --> 00:34:02,654
This engine's actually
pretty interesting.
727
00:34:02,694 --> 00:34:05,694
First and foremost, it's been
breathed upon by Lotus.
728
00:34:05,734 --> 00:34:08,134
They actually use a similar
spec engine in the Elise.
729
00:34:08,174 --> 00:34:10,694
But perhaps more interestingly,
it's supercharged,
730
00:34:10,734 --> 00:34:12,734
which is unusual
in a hot hatchback.
731
00:34:12,774 --> 00:34:14,233
Why bother with a supercharger?
732
00:34:14,258 --> 00:34:15,998
It's heavier than a turbocharger...
733
00:34:21,414 --> 00:34:23,214
So the headline figures are:
734
00:34:23,254 --> 00:34:25,494
I have the most power, 209 horsepower.
735
00:34:25,534 --> 00:34:28,934
I have the lowest weight,
1,135 kilograms.
736
00:34:28,974 --> 00:34:33,654
And that's over 200 kilograms
lighter than Clarkson's VW.
737
00:34:33,694 --> 00:34:37,654
JEREMY: Eventually James finished
talking and we were ready to go.
738
00:34:38,694 --> 00:34:40,174
I probably won't win this.
739
00:34:40,214 --> 00:34:42,334
My problem is I've got the heaviest car
740
00:34:42,374 --> 00:34:44,094
and I'm the heaviest driver.
741
00:34:46,174 --> 00:34:47,214
(BLEEPING)
742
00:34:48,734 --> 00:34:50,214
(BLEEPING)
743
00:34:52,214 --> 00:34:54,134
And we are away.
744
00:34:56,494 --> 00:34:58,414
Where's that bloody Polo going?
745
00:35:07,214 --> 00:35:08,693
Yes!
746
00:35:08,694 --> 00:35:10,414
Oh, what?
747
00:35:10,454 --> 00:35:12,974
A victory for the fat boy!
748
00:35:15,014 --> 00:35:19,134
That can only mean that VW
have got their figures wrong.
749
00:35:19,174 --> 00:35:21,974
Again.
750
00:35:22,014 --> 00:35:25,094
JEREMY: This surprising result
called for a bit of a debrief.
751
00:35:27,054 --> 00:35:29,054
The mushroom-coloured Polo...
752
00:35:29,094 --> 00:35:31,574
- Brown!
- The brown VW has won.
753
00:35:31,614 --> 00:35:33,614
Actually, I've got to be honest.
754
00:35:33,654 --> 00:35:37,214
I am quite surprised by
its astonishing victory.
755
00:35:37,254 --> 00:35:39,454
It is really annoying. And
there's nothing you can do.
756
00:35:39,494 --> 00:35:42,614
- Cos it's heavy.
- And it's only as powerful as this.
757
00:35:42,654 --> 00:35:44,654
The DSG gearbox makes a huge difference.
758
00:35:44,694 --> 00:35:46,214
Yeah, the double clutch.
759
00:35:46,254 --> 00:35:49,254
Every time you two have to
change gear, you lose 20 yards.
760
00:35:49,334 --> 00:35:52,014
There's no way you can keep
up with an old-fashioned box.
761
00:35:52,054 --> 00:35:54,414
- No, it's one gear, then another...
- (MESSAGE ALERT)
762
00:35:54,454 --> 00:35:56,014
Oh, hang on.
763
00:35:56,054 --> 00:35:58,054
Text from Mr Wilman.
764
00:35:58,094 --> 00:36:01,534
- "You idiots."
- Nice. Not very kind.
765
00:36:01,574 --> 00:36:05,693
"Stop banging on about double-clutch
gearboxes and lift-off oversteer."
766
00:36:05,694 --> 00:36:08,414
These cars are supposed
to appeal to young people
767
00:36:08,454 --> 00:36:10,534
and they have no idea
what those things are.
768
00:36:13,734 --> 00:36:17,534
The winner of this test will be the car
that appeals most to millennials,
769
00:36:17,574 --> 00:36:20,654
"not old men like you."
770
00:36:20,694 --> 00:36:24,614
So what test do we do that young
people would be interested?
771
00:36:24,654 --> 00:36:26,974
No, wait, I've had an idea.
772
00:36:27,014 --> 00:36:28,454
JAMES: What exactly is a millennial?
773
00:36:34,094 --> 00:36:36,974
JEREMY: Once we'd explained
this to James, we left the test track,
774
00:36:37,014 --> 00:36:41,894
and began our new
youth-friendly road test.
775
00:36:41,934 --> 00:36:44,262
What I've done is I've fitted some
776
00:36:44,287 --> 00:36:47,454
youth-friendly political
stickers on the doors.
777
00:36:47,494 --> 00:36:50,621
And then on the windscreen, a
778
00:36:50,646 --> 00:36:54,934
transgender, fluid, neutral sunscreen.
779
00:36:54,974 --> 00:36:57,374
The other Jeremy, of course,
is the great Jeremy Corbyn,
780
00:36:57,414 --> 00:36:59,814
leader of the Labour Party,
781
00:36:59,854 --> 00:37:04,374
a man with the same initials
as the Baby Jesus,
782
00:37:04,414 --> 00:37:06,134
one of the prophets of Islam.
783
00:37:08,094 --> 00:37:10,254
Richard, meanwhile, had for some reason
784
00:37:10,334 --> 00:37:13,694
put the shipping forecast
on the doors of the Fiesta.
785
00:37:17,214 --> 00:37:19,693
Why have you got "Stormy"
on the side of your car?
786
00:37:19,694 --> 00:37:22,894
Cos that's the name of the
rapper that young people adore.
787
00:37:22,934 --> 00:37:24,454
No, that's Stormzy.
788
00:37:24,494 --> 00:37:29,054
Stormy's that sexual intercourse
enthusiast in America.
789
00:37:29,094 --> 00:37:31,014
Popular with young people?
790
00:37:34,574 --> 00:37:37,414
JAMES: Meanwhile, I'd headed
for an organic farm shop
791
00:37:37,454 --> 00:37:40,693
to test out my
young-people modification.
792
00:37:40,694 --> 00:37:43,854
What I've fitted to my car it's
powered by the same USB port
793
00:37:43,894 --> 00:37:46,534
that you'd normally use to
recharge your vape bong -
794
00:37:46,574 --> 00:37:50,014
is the most important thing
in a millennial's life.
795
00:37:50,054 --> 00:37:53,054
And that is, of course, a juicer. Ta-da!
796
00:37:53,094 --> 00:37:55,718
Now, using this, I can make a whole
797
00:37:55,743 --> 00:37:58,414
range of tasty and nutritious juices
798
00:37:58,454 --> 00:38:01,614
using a variety of
ethically-sound ingredients.
799
00:38:01,654 --> 00:38:03,894
And that means I won't be beholden
800
00:38:03,934 --> 00:38:07,414
to evil American corporations
that murder baby veals
801
00:38:07,454 --> 00:38:09,934
and snap the beaks off chickens.
802
00:38:12,694 --> 00:38:14,133
RICHARD: Back on the road,
803
00:38:14,158 --> 00:38:16,014
Jeremy and I were busy competing
804
00:38:16,054 --> 00:38:19,693
to win the hearts and minds
of the snowflakes.
805
00:38:19,694 --> 00:38:21,379
Because you're young, you'll care
806
00:38:21,404 --> 00:38:23,014
very much about the environment.
807
00:38:23,054 --> 00:38:25,172
So you'll be very glad to know that
808
00:38:25,197 --> 00:38:27,054
unlike the Polo and the Toyota,
809
00:38:27,094 --> 00:38:30,414
this doesn't have four cylinders
the Fiesta only has three.
810
00:38:30,454 --> 00:38:32,254
In fact, when it's cruising,
811
00:38:32,334 --> 00:38:35,214
it can deactivate one of them
and go down to two.
812
00:38:35,254 --> 00:38:37,254
That's a world first
on a three-cylinder car.
813
00:38:37,334 --> 00:38:41,014
And what it means is,
it's nicer to polar bears.
814
00:38:44,014 --> 00:38:46,494
The seats in here are made from cloth,
815
00:38:46,534 --> 00:38:50,134
so no cow was harmed in
the making of the interior.
816
00:38:50,174 --> 00:38:52,082
Apart from a small veal who was
817
00:38:52,107 --> 00:38:54,174
used to make the steering wheel.
818
00:38:54,214 --> 00:38:55,894
But that's it.
819
00:38:58,374 --> 00:38:59,934
(WHIRRING)
820
00:39:01,254 --> 00:39:04,494
Right, this one is kale, apple,
821
00:39:04,534 --> 00:39:08,254
line-caught avocado and ethical water...
822
00:39:08,334 --> 00:39:10,974
plus my reading glasses which
fell in there earlier on.
823
00:39:11,014 --> 00:39:12,361
But it doesn't matter, they've got
824
00:39:12,385 --> 00:39:14,025
plastic lenses so
they're perfectly safe.
825
00:39:17,214 --> 00:39:18,454
Mm!
826
00:39:18,494 --> 00:39:20,414
Someone's gonna want that.
827
00:39:23,174 --> 00:39:26,094
JEREMY: In order to see if
we were on the right track,
828
00:39:26,134 --> 00:39:28,693
Richard and I had headed
into the wonderful,
829
00:39:28,694 --> 00:39:30,694
anti-car city of Oxford.
830
00:39:32,694 --> 00:39:34,654
Many, many cyclists here.
831
00:39:38,094 --> 00:39:41,214
Look at the way young people
are approving of my car
832
00:39:41,254 --> 00:39:42,974
and my stickers.
833
00:39:44,134 --> 00:39:46,014
Dab on it, wagwam!
834
00:39:46,054 --> 00:39:48,934
I speak the language of the millennial.
835
00:39:48,974 --> 00:39:51,042
Hammond and May won't
be able to do that,
836
00:39:51,067 --> 00:39:52,814
cos they're in a Ford and a Toyota.
837
00:39:52,854 --> 00:39:54,214
They're bad whips.
838
00:39:55,614 --> 00:39:57,454
You'll see there's a bus lane here.
839
00:39:57,494 --> 00:40:01,693
And the Fiesta is showing no sign at all
840
00:40:01,694 --> 00:40:03,920
of complaining that half the road
841
00:40:03,945 --> 00:40:06,038
is completely empty and unused.
842
00:40:07,614 --> 00:40:10,174
This car has no problem with that.
843
00:40:10,214 --> 00:40:13,654
JEREMY: There's a couple of
hikers, Hammond, on my left.
844
00:40:13,694 --> 00:40:16,934
I'm not judging them,
cos judging people is wrong.
845
00:40:16,974 --> 00:40:18,894
Oh, cyclist.
846
00:40:22,094 --> 00:40:25,094
- (MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS)
- Maniac!
847
00:40:25,134 --> 00:40:29,654
Having drunk his spectacles,
James was now on the move.
848
00:40:29,694 --> 00:40:32,094
My latest juice has
a bit of an Asian flavour.
849
00:40:32,134 --> 00:40:36,734
Because it's made with okra,
some ground-up dry ginger,
850
00:40:36,814 --> 00:40:40,134
a touch of garlic,
a pinch of garam masala...
851
00:40:40,174 --> 00:40:43,693
and a pork pie.
852
00:40:43,694 --> 00:40:46,454
This car was, of course,
developed at the Nurburgring,
853
00:40:46,494 --> 00:40:48,494
which might sound not very millennial.
854
00:40:48,534 --> 00:40:52,494
But on the other hand, it is
the world's greenest circuit.
855
00:40:52,534 --> 00:40:54,134
It is completely...
856
00:40:54,174 --> 00:40:56,174
- (SPLASHING)
- Oh, Jesus!
857
00:40:56,214 --> 00:40:58,134
(BRAKES SQUEALING)
858
00:41:00,494 --> 00:41:02,014
God! Agh!
859
00:41:03,094 --> 00:41:04,934
Agh...
860
00:41:04,974 --> 00:41:06,254
Agh.
861
00:41:07,734 --> 00:41:09,213
(SPITS)
862
00:41:09,214 --> 00:41:11,214
Back to the tent.
863
00:41:11,254 --> 00:41:13,654
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
864
00:41:13,694 --> 00:41:16,414
JEREMY: I've gotta be honest...
865
00:41:16,454 --> 00:41:20,494
Apart from you drinking
plastic, which is evil,
866
00:41:20,534 --> 00:41:22,344
I thought that was
all going rather well,
867
00:41:22,369 --> 00:41:23,894
the test appealing to young people.
868
00:41:23,934 --> 00:41:28,054
Yeah, we talked about carbon
dioxide and polar bears
869
00:41:28,094 --> 00:41:30,094
and expressed our support
for the Labour Party.
870
00:41:30,134 --> 00:41:31,860
Yeah, apart from the bit where the
871
00:41:31,885 --> 00:41:33,758
juicer blew up in my face, obviously,
872
00:41:33,814 --> 00:41:35,470
it was all going rather
excellently, we thought.
873
00:41:35,494 --> 00:41:37,174
It was, yeah.
874
00:41:37,214 --> 00:41:40,494
Unfortunately, Mr Wilman said
we hadn't got the idea at all.
875
00:41:40,534 --> 00:41:43,213
- No.
- And that to really appeal to millennials,
876
00:41:43,214 --> 00:41:46,894
we had to somehow get
our cars in The Mail Online.
877
00:41:46,934 --> 00:41:49,134
Now this was a bit of
a problem for James,
878
00:41:49,174 --> 00:41:52,214
- who claims he's never read The Mail Online.
- I haven't.
879
00:41:52,254 --> 00:41:54,934
You're not really The Mail's
target audience, James.
880
00:41:54,974 --> 00:41:56,814
What do you mean by that?
881
00:41:56,854 --> 00:42:00,974
You're not a mealy-mouthed
bitter person...
882
00:42:01,014 --> 00:42:04,254
...who believes that everyone
who is luckier, better-looking,
883
00:42:04,334 --> 00:42:06,012
richer and more talented than you are
884
00:42:06,037 --> 00:42:07,758
should be torn to shreds and executed.
885
00:42:07,814 --> 00:42:09,213
(LAUGHTER)
886
00:42:09,214 --> 00:42:12,494
Right, well, whatever,
the rules were simple.
887
00:42:12,534 --> 00:42:14,646
We had to drive into London and
888
00:42:14,671 --> 00:42:16,894
then do something with our cars
889
00:42:16,934 --> 00:42:19,854
that would get the paparazzi
to take a picture of them.
890
00:42:19,894 --> 00:42:21,748
And then the winner would be the person
891
00:42:21,773 --> 00:42:23,694
who got the most amount
of those pictures
892
00:42:23,734 --> 00:42:25,654
actually published.
893
00:42:29,054 --> 00:42:32,094
RICHARD: I decided that
what I'd do was take my wife
894
00:42:32,134 --> 00:42:35,334
out for dinner at the
glittering Bluebird restaurant
895
00:42:35,374 --> 00:42:38,054
on the famous King's Road.
896
00:42:38,094 --> 00:42:40,214
It's a popular haunt for the paps, this.
897
00:42:40,254 --> 00:42:42,463
And I felt sure we'd be snapped
898
00:42:42,488 --> 00:42:44,814
getting out of the little Ford.
899
00:42:44,854 --> 00:42:47,654
OK, right, so remember to smile.
900
00:42:47,694 --> 00:42:49,693
And look like you really like me.
901
00:42:49,694 --> 00:42:51,494
- OK.
- Like, a lot.
902
00:42:53,374 --> 00:42:55,054
Right.
903
00:42:55,094 --> 00:42:57,094
Hold my hand, there.
904
00:42:57,134 --> 00:42:59,214
And then we'll just
stand around for a bit.
905
00:43:03,014 --> 00:43:05,614
- Looking forward to dinner with my wife Mindy.
- That'll be nice.
906
00:43:09,974 --> 00:43:11,774
Jeremy, meanwhile, had decided
907
00:43:11,799 --> 00:43:13,574
that to get himself noticed,
908
00:43:13,614 --> 00:43:17,374
he'd have a puncture,
and then get a celebrity
909
00:43:17,414 --> 00:43:19,974
like Binky Felstead to help him mend it.
910
00:43:22,534 --> 00:43:25,254
- You grab the spare wheel.
- Really?
911
00:43:30,174 --> 00:43:32,334
You have to twiddle it
so the car goes up.
912
00:43:32,374 --> 00:43:34,254
- Really high in the sky.
- For God's sake!
913
00:43:34,334 --> 00:43:35,734
Oh.
914
00:43:35,814 --> 00:43:37,814
Come on, put your back into it.
915
00:43:37,854 --> 00:43:41,334
I'm exhausted. (GRUNTS)
916
00:43:41,374 --> 00:43:43,214
JEREMY: James, meanwhile,
was driving a car
917
00:43:43,254 --> 00:43:45,214
that's never been papped
918
00:43:45,254 --> 00:43:47,694
through a part of London
that's never been papped,
919
00:43:47,734 --> 00:43:51,054
with his dinner date,
historian Mary Beard...
920
00:43:51,094 --> 00:43:53,294
who hasn't been papped either.
921
00:43:55,694 --> 00:43:57,614
I'm absolutely delighted.
922
00:43:57,654 --> 00:43:59,654
This has made my month, this.
923
00:43:59,694 --> 00:44:03,374
Well... Well, thank you,
that's very generous.
924
00:44:03,414 --> 00:44:06,654
James then tried to think of
some interesting small talk.
925
00:44:14,614 --> 00:44:17,134
This has this handy piece of
red in the steering wheel,
926
00:44:17,174 --> 00:44:20,054
so you know when you're going
in a straight line, you see.
927
00:44:20,094 --> 00:44:22,934
(TUTS) They've thought of everything.
928
00:44:24,374 --> 00:44:26,174
JEREMY: Meanwhile, back in Chelsea...
929
00:44:27,574 --> 00:44:29,574
There's no paps. There's nobody here.
930
00:44:29,614 --> 00:44:31,534
- No.
- There's no photographers.
931
00:44:34,334 --> 00:44:35,934
It's ridiculous.
932
00:44:35,974 --> 00:44:37,974
I'm always being photographed here.
933
00:44:38,014 --> 00:44:39,334
Look, here I am.
934
00:44:39,374 --> 00:44:41,374
And here I am.
935
00:44:41,414 --> 00:44:43,174
And here... Oh, she's just...
936
00:44:43,214 --> 00:44:45,134
She's just a friend from work.
937
00:44:46,934 --> 00:44:48,694
We should try having an argument.
938
00:44:48,734 --> 00:44:51,854
- I don't want to have an argument.
- Well, I do, and you don't.
939
00:44:51,894 --> 00:44:54,054
So we're already having
an argument. This is good.
940
00:44:54,094 --> 00:44:56,654
- I don't want an argument.
- Just look a bit animated.
941
00:44:57,854 --> 00:44:59,574
JEREMY: Having parked his car,
942
00:44:59,614 --> 00:45:02,334
James was now in his
favourite Indian restaurant,
943
00:45:02,374 --> 00:45:06,094
having a lesson in classical history.
944
00:45:06,134 --> 00:45:10,094
The idea of the bloke
is that he is penetrating.
945
00:45:10,134 --> 00:45:15,214
To be a man is to be the penetrator.
946
00:45:15,254 --> 00:45:18,974
Every orifice he likes, sex wherever.
947
00:45:19,014 --> 00:45:21,054
I've got to say, this is not
what I was expecting.
948
00:45:21,094 --> 00:45:22,548
I was thinking you'd give me some
949
00:45:22,573 --> 00:45:24,214
information about the shape of arches.
950
00:45:24,254 --> 00:45:26,174
Oh, well, we can go on to that.
951
00:45:26,214 --> 00:45:27,694
(SHE GRUNTS)
952
00:45:29,254 --> 00:45:31,254
So you've got to get that lined up.
953
00:45:31,294 --> 00:45:33,214
And then put the new ones in.
954
00:45:35,054 --> 00:45:37,054
What are you doing? You're not...
955
00:45:37,094 --> 00:45:39,294
- I'm sorry, it's really greasy.
- I know!
956
00:45:39,334 --> 00:45:41,454
This may have been just a puncture
957
00:45:41,479 --> 00:45:43,574
but it was proving to be big news.
958
00:45:43,614 --> 00:45:45,134
(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
959
00:45:47,414 --> 00:45:49,934
And that is how you change a wheel.
960
00:45:49,974 --> 00:45:51,894
If you ever have
a puncture on a motorway,
961
00:45:51,934 --> 00:45:54,094
you're going to be
so grateful for this moment.
962
00:45:54,134 --> 00:45:55,334
Lesson learned, Jeremy.
963
00:45:56,414 --> 00:45:57,734
With dinner over,
964
00:45:57,774 --> 00:46:00,014
the two most unpappable
people in history
965
00:46:00,054 --> 00:46:02,854
were waiting to be papped.
966
00:46:02,894 --> 00:46:04,854
If we just stand here
looking a bit sort of...
967
00:46:04,894 --> 00:46:06,894
- Embarrassed?
- Well...
968
00:46:06,934 --> 00:46:08,414
Expectant?
969
00:46:08,454 --> 00:46:10,174
Somebody will come
and take a picture of us.
970
00:46:23,054 --> 00:46:26,254
I've just had a thought. I don't want
you to take this the wrong way,
971
00:46:26,294 --> 00:46:29,534
but actually the idea of this
was to get the car in the paper.
972
00:46:29,574 --> 00:46:31,494
I should have parked it outside.
973
00:46:34,494 --> 00:46:36,414
(BELCHES) Excuse me.
974
00:46:45,574 --> 00:46:47,774
Wait a minute, there is... There's one.
975
00:46:47,814 --> 00:46:50,374
Don't point, don't look, but there's
one over there. There he is.
976
00:46:50,414 --> 00:46:52,414
Pap, there.
977
00:46:52,454 --> 00:46:55,014
JEREMY: However, before
any pictures were taken,
978
00:46:55,054 --> 00:46:58,734
May and I hatched a plan we'd
been working on for years.
979
00:46:58,774 --> 00:47:00,294
Go.
980
00:47:09,414 --> 00:47:11,534
Oh, you bastards!
981
00:47:13,134 --> 00:47:15,014
That was my...
982
00:47:15,054 --> 00:47:16,774
Get in.
983
00:47:16,814 --> 00:47:18,734
(APPLAUSE)
984
00:47:24,134 --> 00:47:26,054
James, did...
985
00:47:26,094 --> 00:47:28,694
Did you burp in front of Mary Beard?
986
00:47:28,734 --> 00:47:31,134
I did. I'm sorry, it just
fell out. I apologise.
987
00:47:31,174 --> 00:47:34,054
I know a lot of people will be
thinking we engineered that.
988
00:47:34,094 --> 00:47:35,814
We really genuinely didn't.
989
00:47:35,854 --> 00:47:37,253
All you have to do to get papped
990
00:47:37,278 --> 00:47:38,694
when you're in our line of work
991
00:47:38,734 --> 00:47:41,574
is go into London, do something
mildly out of the ordinary
992
00:47:41,614 --> 00:47:43,614
and then they swarm... not round you.
993
00:47:43,654 --> 00:47:46,854
Or get clattered and fall out
of a club with no trousers on.
994
00:47:46,894 --> 00:47:49,174
- That's a good way of doing it.
- Or catch pneumonia.
995
00:47:49,214 --> 00:47:50,814
Yes.
996
00:47:50,854 --> 00:47:53,934
I've had that a few times.
Anyway, while we were waiting
997
00:47:53,974 --> 00:47:57,574
to see which of our antics
got into The Mail Online,
998
00:47:57,614 --> 00:48:01,934
Mr Wilman came up with
another youth-friendly idea.
999
00:48:01,974 --> 00:48:05,334
Yep, he said each of us had
to take a picture of our car
1000
00:48:05,374 --> 00:48:07,134
and then see which of us got the
1001
00:48:07,159 --> 00:48:09,358
most likes of their snap on Instagram.
1002
00:48:12,214 --> 00:48:13,894
JAMES: Having split up,
1003
00:48:13,934 --> 00:48:15,854
we set to work on our respective plans.
1004
00:48:17,094 --> 00:48:19,134
£50 is very reasonable, yeah.
1005
00:48:20,534 --> 00:48:22,534
£50,000?
1006
00:48:22,574 --> 00:48:24,574
Oh, right.
1007
00:48:24,614 --> 00:48:26,614
Um... I'll ring you back in a bit.
1008
00:48:26,654 --> 00:48:28,574
Yeah, cheers.
1009
00:48:32,934 --> 00:48:34,946
My idea was to put me and the car in
1010
00:48:34,971 --> 00:48:37,174
one of the pods of the famous London Eye
1011
00:48:37,214 --> 00:48:39,814
so we could have a picture
right at the top with a fantastic view.
1012
00:48:39,854 --> 00:48:43,894
They want £50,000!
I thought he meant 50 quid.
1013
00:48:43,934 --> 00:48:46,534
Let's think of something else.
1014
00:48:46,574 --> 00:48:49,534
RICHARD: I had done just that.
1015
00:48:49,574 --> 00:48:51,694
For my Instagram picture,
I'm not messing about.
1016
00:48:51,734 --> 00:48:53,470
I've recruited a top photographer
1017
00:48:53,495 --> 00:48:55,614
and I'm very excited,
cos he's brilliant.
1018
00:48:55,654 --> 00:48:57,574
Look at that.
1019
00:49:00,054 --> 00:49:02,814
His name is David Yarrow.
1020
00:49:02,854 --> 00:49:05,774
He's one of the world's
greatest wildlife photographers.
1021
00:49:05,814 --> 00:49:09,254
And his plan was to recreate this shot,
1022
00:49:09,294 --> 00:49:12,334
using my car instead of the tiger.
1023
00:49:13,694 --> 00:49:15,254
So I'm coming in...
1024
00:49:15,294 --> 00:49:17,294
The most important thing
is to have energy.
1025
00:49:17,334 --> 00:49:19,334
It's got to be dynamic.
1026
00:49:19,374 --> 00:49:21,272
And that means we needand water
1027
00:49:21,297 --> 00:49:23,414
flying up between me and the car.
1028
00:49:23,454 --> 00:49:27,094
I want to be as close safety-wise
as you'll allow me to be.
1029
00:49:28,894 --> 00:49:31,254
Yeah, yeah. I've got your number.
1030
00:49:31,294 --> 00:49:32,934
- OK.
- (LAUGHS)
1031
00:49:34,534 --> 00:49:35,894
JAMES: Back in London,
1032
00:49:35,934 --> 00:49:37,934
I'd come up with a brilliant idea.
1033
00:49:42,254 --> 00:49:43,414
Morning.
1034
00:49:57,374 --> 00:49:58,534
Morning.
1035
00:50:02,414 --> 00:50:04,734
Hiya. Put some clothes on.
1036
00:50:06,494 --> 00:50:09,334
RICHARD: Eventually,
my shot was in the can.
1037
00:50:11,654 --> 00:50:12,774
Ach!
1038
00:50:14,414 --> 00:50:16,174
As was May's.
1039
00:50:18,174 --> 00:50:20,174
And so, after no work at all,
1040
00:50:20,214 --> 00:50:22,134
was Jeremy's.
1041
00:50:32,334 --> 00:50:37,014
Could... Could you have made
any less effort with that challenge?
1042
00:50:37,054 --> 00:50:38,934
No, you're right.
1043
00:50:38,974 --> 00:50:41,774
I should have put a puppy
in it, cos Instagram loves a dog.
1044
00:50:41,814 --> 00:50:44,974
Anyone on Instagram, it's
all just dogs, basically.
1045
00:50:45,014 --> 00:50:47,014
Anyway, with our pictures
posted on Instagram,
1046
00:50:47,054 --> 00:50:49,054
we were all given another challenge,
1047
00:50:49,094 --> 00:50:53,014
to see who could get the most
views of their car on YouTube.
1048
00:50:53,054 --> 00:50:55,294
Yeah, now, this is a tricky one.
1049
00:50:55,334 --> 00:50:58,395
Because over 300 hours of footage are
1050
00:50:58,420 --> 00:51:01,134
uploaded to YouTube every minute.
1051
00:51:01,174 --> 00:51:03,214
You wouldn't think that many cats
1052
00:51:03,254 --> 00:51:05,294
fell into waste disposal units.
1053
00:51:05,334 --> 00:51:07,054
No, I know, you wouldn't.
1054
00:51:07,094 --> 00:51:09,110
Seems they do. So we had to
think of something special.
1055
00:51:09,134 --> 00:51:10,850
How could we make our cars
1056
00:51:10,875 --> 00:51:13,094
shine in this crowded firmament?
1057
00:51:13,134 --> 00:51:14,774
Push them into a waste disposal unit?
1058
00:51:14,814 --> 00:51:16,334
I think that's got to be it.
1059
00:51:16,374 --> 00:51:19,134
Or what I did to get my Ford noticed,
1060
00:51:19,174 --> 00:51:21,654
I decided to stage a big stunt.
1061
00:51:23,854 --> 00:51:25,814
In order to make my first stunt video,
1062
00:51:25,854 --> 00:51:29,814
I went to a very long runway.
1063
00:51:29,854 --> 00:51:32,974
And once my star performer
had warmed up...
1064
00:51:34,574 --> 00:51:36,294
...we were ready to roll.
1065
00:51:40,014 --> 00:51:41,894
Today history is being made.
1066
00:51:44,854 --> 00:51:46,174
Good luck.
1067
00:51:55,734 --> 00:51:56,974
Oh.
1068
00:51:57,014 --> 00:51:58,294
I can't watch.
1069
00:52:08,614 --> 00:52:10,774
Yes! (LAUGHS)
1070
00:52:10,814 --> 00:52:15,374
We are gonna break
the internet with that!
1071
00:52:15,414 --> 00:52:19,734
Meanwhile, James had gone for
a rather different approach.
1072
00:52:19,774 --> 00:52:22,414
If you go on YouTube,
which I do quite a lot,
1073
00:52:22,454 --> 00:52:23,749
you will notice that something that's
1074
00:52:23,773 --> 00:52:25,110
very popular with so-called millennials
1075
00:52:25,134 --> 00:52:27,134
is the unboxing video.
1076
00:52:27,174 --> 00:52:29,108
It's usually something like an idle
1077
00:52:29,133 --> 00:52:30,934
student with nothing better to do
1078
00:52:30,974 --> 00:52:33,254
simply taking something
they've bought out of the box
1079
00:52:33,294 --> 00:52:34,934
and talking about it.
1080
00:52:34,974 --> 00:52:37,934
Hey, what's going on?
The delivery guy's just left.
1081
00:52:37,974 --> 00:52:41,054
Got it here and I haven't even taken
it out of the box yet. I got...
1082
00:52:41,094 --> 00:52:45,014
This bloke is unboxing a new
television set he's bought.
1083
00:52:45,054 --> 00:52:47,054
You guys ready?
1084
00:52:47,094 --> 00:52:49,014
Whoa!
1085
00:52:51,014 --> 00:52:52,814
Look how many hits it's got.
1086
00:52:52,854 --> 00:52:55,334
The stand is not mounted on it,
1087
00:52:55,374 --> 00:52:56,934
you have to put that on later.
1088
00:53:01,934 --> 00:53:03,654
Hi, guys, it's May!
1089
00:53:03,694 --> 00:53:06,614
Welcome, brothers and sisters
to my latest unboxing video.
1090
00:53:06,654 --> 00:53:09,054
And this is a big one. It's a car.
1091
00:53:09,094 --> 00:53:11,934
- (ADHESIVE TAPE RIPPING)
- Ohh!
1092
00:53:16,854 --> 00:53:18,054
Oh, yes.
1093
00:53:20,134 --> 00:53:22,174
Look how clean that is.
1094
00:53:24,014 --> 00:53:25,614
Meanwhile, Jeremy had decided
1095
00:53:25,654 --> 00:53:28,054
to create a Fast Show style
character
1096
00:53:28,094 --> 00:53:30,014
called David Soufflé.
1097
00:53:31,254 --> 00:53:33,174
(FRENCH-STYLE ACCORDION MUSIC)
1098
00:53:41,374 --> 00:53:43,014
(SIRENS BLARE IN DISTANCE)
1099
00:53:59,534 --> 00:54:01,454
(ACCORDION PLAYS)
1100
00:54:04,094 --> 00:54:05,774
RICHARD: Back at the airfield,
1101
00:54:05,814 --> 00:54:07,694
my next stunt was ready.
1102
00:54:07,734 --> 00:54:09,734
Right, now, down there is a man.
1103
00:54:09,774 --> 00:54:12,214
I don't know his name
but it doesn't matter,
1104
00:54:12,254 --> 00:54:14,174
because in a moment
I'm gonna run him over.
1105
00:54:14,214 --> 00:54:16,134
(ENGINE REVVING)
1106
00:54:18,214 --> 00:54:19,374
And here we go.
1107
00:54:22,254 --> 00:54:25,134
Yes! Didn't kill a man!
1108
00:54:30,974 --> 00:54:32,734
Ooh, I like that a lot.
1109
00:54:39,734 --> 00:54:41,214
(CHUCKLES)
1110
00:54:58,734 --> 00:55:00,654
(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS)
1111
00:55:03,294 --> 00:55:04,934
(CLATTERING)
1112
00:55:04,974 --> 00:55:07,974
"At Toyota, we want to do all we can"
1113
00:55:08,014 --> 00:55:12,454
to ensure that things go smoothly
when you are driving your vehicle.
1114
00:55:12,494 --> 00:55:14,894
Whether you are in your own
country or travelling abroad,
1115
00:55:14,934 --> 00:55:17,014
"you are welcome to contact us
if you think..."
1116
00:55:39,254 --> 00:55:41,174
(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS)
1117
00:55:44,534 --> 00:55:48,894
RICHARD: Meanwhile, I was
ready for my final stunt
1118
00:55:48,934 --> 00:55:53,134
using my car to get a man
in a boat across a lake.
1119
00:55:55,814 --> 00:55:59,454
I've no idea what's gonna happen
here in terms of limb breakages.
1120
00:55:59,494 --> 00:56:01,654
So I'm using an office junior to do it.
1121
00:56:01,694 --> 00:56:04,934
He's cheap, obedient and expendable
1122
00:56:04,974 --> 00:56:07,414
the key ingredients for stuff like this.
1123
00:56:07,454 --> 00:56:09,734
So let's make him a YouTube star.
1124
00:56:12,934 --> 00:56:15,174
OK, now using science and maths,
1125
00:56:15,214 --> 00:56:17,614
I have calculated that 30 miles an hour
1126
00:56:17,654 --> 00:56:20,014
is the correct speed to do this.
1127
00:56:22,534 --> 00:56:24,454
Here we go. Launching!
1128
00:56:27,494 --> 00:56:29,414
Come on, little fella.
1129
00:56:33,734 --> 00:56:34,934
Whoo!
1130
00:56:34,974 --> 00:56:37,214
Glorious! Well done!
1131
00:56:37,254 --> 00:56:39,254
You can have Christmas Day off!
1132
00:56:39,294 --> 00:56:40,894
(APPLAUSE)
1133
00:56:40,934 --> 00:56:42,614
That was an impressive stunt.
1134
00:56:42,654 --> 00:56:44,334
Pretty cool, yeah.
I was pleased with that.
1135
00:56:44,374 --> 00:56:46,614
How's his therapy working out?
1136
00:56:46,654 --> 00:56:48,334
He's getting over it.
1137
00:56:48,374 --> 00:56:51,174
OK, what we've got here
is the scoreboard
1138
00:56:51,214 --> 00:56:54,574
that will help us determine which
is the best of the small hot hatches.
1139
00:56:54,614 --> 00:56:56,414
We've already filled
in the race scores for
1140
00:56:56,439 --> 00:56:58,214
price, the pursuit
race and the drag race.
1141
00:56:58,254 --> 00:57:00,214
Now we've got the paparazzi thing.
1142
00:57:00,254 --> 00:57:02,254
Hammond, how did you get on?
1143
00:57:02,294 --> 00:57:04,654
You two put the
"pap in a bag", didn't you?
1144
00:57:04,694 --> 00:57:07,334
We did, but actually we should
sell those bags to celebrities.
1145
00:57:07,374 --> 00:57:09,374
We should, cos they're rather clever.
1146
00:57:09,414 --> 00:57:11,750
You pull a drawstring, and not
only can't you take any pictures,
1147
00:57:11,774 --> 00:57:13,414
you can't get out of the car.
1148
00:57:13,454 --> 00:57:16,094
- It's also technically false imprisonment.
- Yes.
1149
00:57:16,134 --> 00:57:18,574
- And therefore illegal.
- So's trapping a wasp in a jam jar.
1150
00:57:18,614 --> 00:57:20,094
Nobody complains about that, do they?
1151
00:57:20,134 --> 00:57:22,174
Well, anyway, it didn't work.
1152
00:57:22,214 --> 00:57:24,614
Obviously there must have
been another pap we didn't spot,
1153
00:57:24,654 --> 00:57:26,734
because this picture appeared.
1154
00:57:27,814 --> 00:57:29,454
Ha-ha! A-ha-ha-ha!
1155
00:57:29,494 --> 00:57:31,654
JAMES: No, no, no, no, no.
Wait a minute.
1156
00:57:31,694 --> 00:57:34,494
The rule said
it had to have the car in it.
1157
00:57:34,534 --> 00:57:36,654
And I don't see the car in that picture.
1158
00:57:36,694 --> 00:57:38,454
It also said Mail Online.
1159
00:57:38,494 --> 00:57:41,534
I'm guessing there's that some
evidence to suggest that is The Sun.
1160
00:57:41,574 --> 00:57:43,454
(LAUGHTER)
1161
00:57:43,494 --> 00:57:44,994
RICHARD: I hoped you
wouldn't spot that.
1162
00:57:45,019 --> 00:57:45,494
We did.
1163
00:57:45,534 --> 00:57:46,854
I didn't do very well.
1164
00:57:46,894 --> 00:57:49,694
I think that gives you a zero, Hammond.
1165
00:57:49,734 --> 00:57:51,134
So you get a zero.
1166
00:57:51,174 --> 00:57:53,174
Now, James May, how did you get on,
1167
00:57:53,214 --> 00:57:56,494
taking the older woman out
for a curry in Hammersmith
1168
00:57:56,534 --> 00:57:58,934
and then parking your car in
an underground car park?
1169
00:57:58,974 --> 00:58:01,134
- Not that well, actually.
- RICHARD: How not that well?
1170
00:58:01,174 --> 00:58:04,574
- Nought, not that well.
- Not a single thing?
1171
00:58:04,614 --> 00:58:06,694
- My plan was rather successful.
- Was it?
1172
00:58:06,734 --> 00:58:11,694
49 pictures appeared, of my car and
me and Binky in The Mail Online.
1173
00:58:11,734 --> 00:58:13,734
- 49?
- 49 pictures.
1174
00:58:13,774 --> 00:58:17,174
Hang on a minute. 49 pictures
of a fat old bloke
1175
00:58:17,214 --> 00:58:19,614
and a young girl I've never
heard of changing a wheel?
1176
00:58:19,654 --> 00:58:21,654
I know. And the extraordinary thing is,
1177
00:58:21,694 --> 00:58:23,694
I'd like to show you the 49 pictures
1178
00:58:23,734 --> 00:58:27,134
but I got in touch with The
Mail Online yesterday, OK,
1179
00:58:27,174 --> 00:58:28,774
to say, "Can we have the pictures?"
1180
00:58:28,814 --> 00:58:31,334
Do you want to know how much
they were gonna charge?
1181
00:58:31,374 --> 00:58:34,214
£122,000.
1182
00:58:34,254 --> 00:58:35,814
- What?
- Really?
1183
00:58:35,854 --> 00:58:38,974
I kid you not. They take a
picture of me, ruin my life,
1184
00:58:39,014 --> 00:58:42,054
and then for me to buy the picture back
1185
00:58:42,094 --> 00:58:45,654
is £122,000!
1186
00:58:45,694 --> 00:58:48,054
There are 49 pictures on here of you.
1187
00:58:48,094 --> 00:58:51,494
Don't show the cameras, otherwise
there'll be a bill for 120 grand.
1188
00:58:51,534 --> 00:58:54,534
- But the good thing is...
- Exactly. Because of that, you score 49.
1189
00:58:54,574 --> 00:58:56,670
Yes, I'm afraid he does.
There's no getting around that.
1190
00:58:56,694 --> 00:58:59,654
Yes, I do. Which moves us
on to Instagram.
1191
00:58:59,694 --> 00:59:02,574
James May, how did you do
with your picture on the bus?
1192
00:59:02,614 --> 00:59:04,014
I scored nought.
1193
00:59:04,054 --> 00:59:05,774
- Nought?
- Yeah.
1194
00:59:05,814 --> 00:59:08,094
- How did you get nought?
- Well, it's quite interesting.
1195
00:59:08,134 --> 00:59:11,094
I didn't have an Instagram
account so I set one up.
1196
00:59:11,134 --> 00:59:13,454
- There's a surprise.
- No, but I set one up.
1197
00:59:13,494 --> 00:59:15,190
And then as I was setting it
up, I realised
1198
00:59:15,214 --> 00:59:18,134
there was someone else on
Instagram pretending to be me.
1199
00:59:18,174 --> 00:59:21,774
So I filled in that reporting thing
that pulls down and I sent it off.
1200
00:59:21,814 --> 00:59:25,534
All credit to Instagram, they reacted
very quickly by that afternoon, in fact.
1201
00:59:25,574 --> 00:59:27,174
And they shut me down.
1202
00:59:27,214 --> 00:59:28,694
- (LAUGHTER)
- You?
1203
00:59:28,734 --> 00:59:30,894
Yeah, they didn't shut down
the fake James May.
1204
00:59:30,934 --> 00:59:32,614
They shut the real one down.
1205
00:59:32,654 --> 00:59:34,654
- They killed the wrong James May?
- Yeah.
1206
00:59:34,694 --> 00:59:36,590
That's quite interesting.
What's interesting me, though,
1207
00:59:36,614 --> 00:59:39,534
is that there's a man somewhere out
in the world, or woman,
1208
00:59:39,574 --> 00:59:42,494
who's thought, "I could
pretend to be anyone I like."
1209
00:59:42,534 --> 00:59:44,534
I shall pretend to be
James May."
1210
00:59:44,574 --> 00:59:46,254
- I know.
- RICHARD: Not very ambitious!
1211
00:59:46,294 --> 00:59:48,094
Why wouldn't you be
George Clooney?
1212
00:59:48,134 --> 00:59:50,574
Anyway, the net result
of that, as they say in the army,
1213
00:59:50,614 --> 00:59:52,654
is that I have... nought.
1214
00:59:52,694 --> 00:59:55,614
- You're doing very well!
- I've got one, yeah.
1215
00:59:55,654 --> 00:59:58,014
So, Hammond, how did you get on?
1216
00:59:58,054 --> 01:00:01,214
Well, my picture
was brilliant. Look at it.
1217
01:00:01,254 --> 01:00:03,254
Look at that!
1218
01:00:03,294 --> 01:00:06,294
JEREMY: No, apart from the slogan with
the sexual intercourse enthusiast,
1219
01:00:06,334 --> 01:00:08,334
that is an amazing photograph, granted.
1220
01:00:08,374 --> 01:00:12,294
So how many people have viewed it
and liked it on Instagram?
1221
01:00:13,374 --> 01:00:14,654
Nine.
1222
01:00:14,694 --> 01:00:15,974
(LAUGHTER)
1223
01:00:16,014 --> 01:00:18,014
- They blocked you as well?
- Nine. No.
1224
01:00:18,054 --> 01:00:21,094
I don't really do Instagram, so I
don't have many followers.
1225
01:00:21,134 --> 01:00:23,134
So only nine people have seen it.
1226
01:00:23,174 --> 01:00:25,734
Oh, dear, cos I got 54,000.
1227
01:00:25,774 --> 01:00:27,734
Oh, for God's sake!
1228
01:00:27,774 --> 01:00:29,694
Yes, but you do do Instagram!
1229
01:00:29,734 --> 01:00:31,614
- Yes, I do.
- So you got lots of followers.
1230
01:00:31,654 --> 01:00:33,254
Put in 54,000.
1231
01:00:33,294 --> 01:00:35,374
Let's look at this in a more
positive light, Hammond.
1232
01:00:35,414 --> 01:00:39,294
- He has got 1.6 million Instagram followers.
- Yes.
1233
01:00:39,334 --> 01:00:42,934
So 1.46 million people actively
didn't like his picture.
1234
01:00:42,974 --> 01:00:44,630
- That's another way of looking at it.
- Loser!
1235
01:00:44,654 --> 01:00:47,374
It wasn't my best work, I
admit. It was a hurried shot.
1236
01:00:47,414 --> 01:00:49,134
- What was it?
- 54,000.
1237
01:00:49,174 --> 01:00:51,894
RICHARD: That does
change the score line a bit.
1238
01:00:51,934 --> 01:00:55,574
It changes the score line a
lot, cos I'm now on 54,053.
1239
01:00:55,614 --> 01:00:58,614
- Right, OK.
- And you're on one.
1240
01:00:58,654 --> 01:01:01,454
Anyway, I also...
It gets worse, I'm afraid, for you two.
1241
01:01:01,494 --> 01:01:04,694
Because YouTube.
I didn't add them all up,
1242
01:01:04,734 --> 01:01:08,174
but my first David Soufflé
video on YouTube...
1243
01:01:08,214 --> 01:01:13,054
- 266,000 views.
- RICHARD: Oh, God.
1244
01:01:13,094 --> 01:01:15,534
More than a quarter of a million people.
1245
01:01:22,014 --> 01:01:23,574
You are ahead now.
1246
01:01:23,614 --> 01:01:27,534
Yes, I'm... comfortably
in the lead, I would say.
1247
01:01:27,574 --> 01:01:29,574
So, come on, Hammond?
1248
01:01:29,614 --> 01:01:31,614
16,800.
1249
01:01:31,654 --> 01:01:33,254
What, for all that effort?
1250
01:01:33,294 --> 01:01:35,294
I know! I don't get it either.
1251
01:01:35,334 --> 01:01:37,494
Because I gave it a really
cool, tempting caption.
1252
01:01:37,534 --> 01:01:38,814
It said...
1253
01:01:38,854 --> 01:01:40,774
(HE READS)
1254
01:01:45,414 --> 01:01:47,214
Who doesn't want to look at that?
1255
01:01:47,254 --> 01:01:48,630
You actually put that as the caption?
1256
01:01:48,654 --> 01:01:49,910
That's what it said, it's clickbait.
1257
01:01:49,934 --> 01:01:51,614
Then the YouTube millennials thought,
1258
01:01:51,654 --> 01:01:53,174
"No, I'd rather watch
a cat going..."?
1259
01:01:53,214 --> 01:01:54,470
- They must have done.
- That's ridiculous.
1260
01:01:54,494 --> 01:01:56,014
I'm sorry, that is pathetic.
1261
01:01:56,054 --> 01:01:58,654
Young people, you're pathetic.
1262
01:01:58,694 --> 01:02:00,854
Right, so, there we are,
those are the scores.
1263
01:02:00,894 --> 01:02:02,734
- You're out.
- Yes.
1264
01:02:02,774 --> 01:02:04,774
And, James,
I'm looking and I'm thinking,
1265
01:02:04,814 --> 01:02:06,814
just doing quick adding up...
1266
01:02:06,854 --> 01:02:09,414
Unless you manage to find
1267
01:02:09,454 --> 01:02:12,254
325,000 people
1268
01:02:12,294 --> 01:02:15,134
who are prepared to spend 16 minutes...
1269
01:02:15,174 --> 01:02:17,654
Cos that's how long
that unboxing video was.
1270
01:02:17,694 --> 01:02:21,934
...16 minutes watching you
taking a small Toyota hatchback
1271
01:02:21,974 --> 01:02:24,494
out of a cardboard box,
I've won.
1272
01:02:24,534 --> 01:02:25,614
- Yes.
- So?
1273
01:02:26,694 --> 01:02:28,614
(SIGHS) 330...
1274
01:02:31,214 --> 01:02:33,134
...thousand!
1275
01:02:33,174 --> 01:02:35,294
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
1276
01:02:36,854 --> 01:02:38,374
(WHOOPING)
1277
01:02:42,334 --> 01:02:44,334
For taking a car out of a box?
1278
01:02:44,374 --> 01:02:46,374
Oh, he's doing the dance.
1279
01:02:46,414 --> 01:02:49,134
How does he always manage to win?
1280
01:02:49,174 --> 01:02:51,814
I think on this occasion
it was partly because
1281
01:02:51,854 --> 01:02:55,734
you tried to appeal to millennials by
creating a Fast Show type character
1282
01:02:55,774 --> 01:02:58,534
when nobody under 40 has ever
heard of The Fast Show.
1283
01:02:58,574 --> 01:03:00,117
Right. You might as well have done the
1284
01:03:00,142 --> 01:03:02,094
comedy adventures of
Neville Chamberlain in 1939.
1285
01:03:02,134 --> 01:03:03,694
That would have been better.
1286
01:03:03,734 --> 01:03:07,054
So because there are more
people who'd rather watch
1287
01:03:07,094 --> 01:03:09,374
an old man take
a small car out of a box,
1288
01:03:09,414 --> 01:03:14,334
than watch him endangering an office
junior or me wearing a moustache,
1289
01:03:14,374 --> 01:03:19,254
we have to deduce that
the best of the small hot hatchbacks
1290
01:03:19,294 --> 01:03:21,294
is comfortably the worst.
1291
01:03:21,334 --> 01:03:23,374
Yeah, that is our conclusion.
1292
01:03:23,414 --> 01:03:25,390
And on that terrible
disappointment, it's time to end.
1293
01:03:25,414 --> 01:03:27,734
Thank you so much for
watching, see you next time. Goodbye!
99523
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.