Original subtitles

Look, I know Peter may run around all day fighting for lost causes,

and he couldn't give a damn about the law of the land,

whatever that is, but what's the difference?

Legal or illegal.

When the hell did you start caring about what is legal or not?

What's right that counts, you know that.

What do I care about what these kids in college think about what Peter thinks?

Peter is the only one who cares,

who cares about what life is like on this planet.

You know, the rest of it is just a bunch of mush.

Boy is a change.

Remember when we were in Graduate School at Berkeley together?

Remember what we were like then, we were different.

We were angry, we were alive,

we hated the right things.

We hated the army, we hated our parents, we hated the goddamn CIA.

And we fought, we fought. We made it better.

Remember the time we got bombed?

Remember the time we got bombed? Don't laugh, you remember.

We went down to Western Union

and we sent that telegram to J. Edgar Hoover

telling him what we thought he was?

We didn't sign it, but we sent it. That took guts.

And then the next morning, when we still felt the same way,

we went down to the goddamn Bank of America

and closed out our savings account.

And then we tore the check into a thousand pieces

and threw them into the air.

I don't know what happened in the last ten years.

You're gonna tell me maybe.

Maybe, you'll tell me what happened in the last ten years in America,

but it's different. There are no rebels left.

I don't know where they're gonna come from, the new ones,

we had to sell out. Yeah, I know that.

We had to, we had to, I had to, I had to.

I got married, I had three kids,

I had to support 'em. What choice did I have?

What choice did any of us have?

But that's no reason for the kids being like what they are today.

That s no excuse.

Who's gonna come and fight the battles if nobody's angry anymore?

There's a bunch of mushy kids walking.

What're you smoking that shit for, for Christ sakes?

It's how I prepare for my classes.

They are killing seals out in Dawson Bay.

What're you laughing at?

They're laughing because for the past three semesters

you've broken into this room maybe 20 times

with some earth-shattering announcement

about the imminent death of the America Dream.

Yeah, this last month,

it was all the garbage floating in the Mississippi River

that was killing the shrimp.

And yesterday it was the rumor that someone found bacteria

in two cans of chicken noodle soup in Gary, Indiana.

Yeah, but this time I saw it.

Peter, this class is about that which is legal,

about the nature and workings of the law

under our constitutional guarantees.

Seals do not concern us here.

What is happening to them out there is not illegal.

It is illegal.

No, it is not illegal, Peter.

These are not harp seals out in Newfoundland.

These are Chowala seals.

They're an endangered species.

There are perhaps one thousand of them left in existence.

All right, if they're an endangered species,

then they're protected under the law.

If you'd been here at the beginning of the class,

you would have had an opportunity to read this.

Chief Justice Holmes, 1912, "Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief."

"All are equal in the eyes of the law."

Including seals.

But you'd better get proof.

Okay, I'll see you next week.

I can get proof.

Peter!

When did you shoot this?

Night before last.

Yesterday, they were out there bashing away.

They'll be out there tonight too.

Finally got the foreman to tell us what it was all about.

They're building an Air Force base up there.

A huge one.

What're they killing the seals for?

They think the seals will get in the way.

You know, breeding on the runways or something.

Jesus, look at them.

They can't do it. It's against the law.

If they're an endangered species,

those animals are protected under the law.

Oh, how can we stop them?

I guess that's up to me. I'm so mad, I'm ready to go to Washington.

Jeez, when?

What about your classes here?

I'll talk to the Dean.

Old blade out, new blade in.

Ah, empty.

What do you suggest we do about the seals, sir?

I suggest you get on a plane and go to Washington.

Look at this damn thing.

You ever stop to think that the manufacturers of these damn things

don't want us to open them?

But you're wrong about the senator.

If I were you, I'd, uh, start with the military.

Now, stand back.

Unbelievable.

Hardly. Simple goddamn plot to make us buy more razor blades.

Well, just don't stand there Go home and get packed.

Get on a plane.

Sir, I can't afford to fly to Washington.

Roger, the school will pay for your trip.

Terrific, thank you. On one condition.

You stop off in Canton, Ohio on your way back here,

and get these dirty bastards too.

Oh, good evening, can I help you?

I hope so. I need a room for a couple of days.

I'm Professor Roger Keller of...

Professor? Good.

I need a 10 letter word beginning with "L"

and ending with "S" meaning talkative.

Loquacious?

Loquacious.

Yes, that fits rather nicely.

How about a nine letter?

How about a room?

Bill, at the airport sent me here.

Bill? My nephew, Bill?

The porter?

The lawyer in two years. Why didn't you say so?

I'm going to give you the best room in the hotel. Room 4.

George Wallace hid there during the Civil Rights March

about eight years ago.

It has a rather remarkable view of the Jefferson Memorial.

Truly? Hmm.

You know, Thomas Jefferson sat in a hotel room in Philadelphia

and in one weekend he wrote the Declaration of Independence?

Without air conditioning or room service.

Absolutely.

The law you've mentioned, Professor,

specifically allows us to seek out and destroy wildlife

of any kind in case of a national emergency.

I wasn't aware that we had a national emergency situation, Colonel?

What is our national emergency?

Chinese ICBM's.

You mean Russian ICBM's?

Chinese.

Oh, come on, Colonel, haven't you read the newspaper?

We're in love with the Chinese.

They're sending us Ping-Pong players and acrobats,

and we're sending them Elton John and Coca Cola.

They're just buying time, Professor.

Look, that's China,

taken from one of our spy satellites, 200 miles in the air.

If you look closely you can see the ICBM bases.

I don't see anything. Where?

There.

The tiny black dot there, in the left-hand corner.

Wait, I'll magnify it 50 times.

That's an ICBM base?

It will be in two years.

You can tell that just from a tiny black dot?

Yes. Absolutely.

Wait, I'll make it even bigger.

Now, what do you see?

A bigger black dot.

Well, it's an ICBM base.

They got the missiles. And soon they'll have the hardware

to deliver them 12,000 miles.

I don't believe it.

Look, we are here.

Tacoma, Seattle,

Dawson.

Dawson is 800 miles to the north.

Eight hundred miles at 18,000 miles per hour

is 10 point two seconds more for us to prepare

an anti-ballistic missile counterattack.

Come on, Colonel. Come on.

Ten point two second.

Chinese ICBM's.

National emergency.

I accept that it's not a national emergency,

but by the time I convince my friends

in the club here of that fact,

the damn seals will be dead anyway.

So, what's the point?

Senator, they're breaking the Law.

You can't condone a conscious conspiracy to break the law.

Oh, damn. Damn it, Roger, I don't.

Senator, then bring it up on the Senate floor this afternoon.

Roger,

try to look at things in their proper perspective.

In our state, unemployment is over 13% right now.

Now, this Dawson project, the air force is trying to build,

it's a tremendous thing. It's absolutely tremendous. It's a whole city.

It'll put more than 10, 000 people to work.

The Republicans will have my ass in November

if I say 10,000 people can't work

because of a few damn seals.

Well then get them to move the base.

Well, can't we move the damn animals?

Senator, they've been breeding there for centuries.

That's the only piece of flat coastline for 200 miles.

You know, maybe Intelligence knows more than we do.

Maybe there is a national emergency.

Come on, Senator, China's gonna attack us?

China is our friend.

You looked just like Shirley MacLaine when you said that.

What?

Yes, yes, I'm here.

Mr. Paxton, can you come right up please?

I've got a little problem.

Right away. I thought you'd never ask.

Coming, Mr. Paxton.

I know.

Thank you.

Oh, I've got a list of top ones right here.

Could you call one for me please?

Which one? I don't know. Whichever one's the best one.

No, no, it should be your choice, Professor.

Well, it's your bathroom, Mr. Paxton.

Why do you want a lawyer for my bathroom?

I don't want a lawyer, I want a plumber.

A plumber? Yeah, the bathtub's overflowing.

I went to take a bath this morning and I couldn't turn the tap off.

Of course you couldn't turn It off, the spigot's broken.

I didn't know that.

Well, it says so in a typed note I left

inside your medicine cabinet.

I didn't look in the medicine cabinet.

Why not?

Well, I wasn't sick, I was just dirty.

Well, why didn't you call a plumber?

What?

So when I accidentally overheard on the switchboard

that you had trouble with that Colonel and the Senator,

I called Bill at the airport and he gave me the names

of some big, heavyweight type lawyers.

That's what you need, Professor,

to help you save those seals.

A good lawyer.

Look Professor, I'm a gambler,

and I love to play the long shots.

You see, they want to buy this place.

They've been trying to buy it for the past 10 years.

Well, Just once, before I sell, I'd like to have me a winner.

A 1,000 to one shot, like you Professor.

I guess I should start with Critchett, Douglas and Levy, eh?

I'll give 'em a call.

Okay.

Shirley MacLaine!

Little baby seals and the mother seals.

This is so awful.

Man's cruelty is unbelievable at times, Josh.

I told Professor Keller not to worry about the retainer.

If we handle the defense of the Chicago Seven.

The Philadelphia Six will try to blow up the Liberty Bill.

And St. Louis Ten. All for practically nothing.

Yeah, well, someday, just for fun,

let's handle the Indianapolis 500.

I hear they pay much better.

Ah, it's all right, Josh, you did the right thing.

We'll stop the bastards.

Would you say was building the base for the air force?

Dunbar.

The Dunbar Construction Company?

Yes, sir.

You, idiot!

We haven't got a chance against them in court.

They're handled by the best damn law firm in the country.

But we're the best damn law firm in the country.

Everyone...

You represent Dunbar Construction?

Well, thank you very much.

See you in court. Sorry.

How about Jackson, Reynolds and Doberman?

Jackson, Reynolds and Doberman are excellent

if I'm seeking a divorce.

How about Townsend and Dibble?

Perfect. If I cheated on my income tax.

Holtsman, Doolittle and Wright?

If I decide to rape someone, they're waiting to help.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too, Mr. Paxton.

Tomorrow, I will call Bill and get some more names.

No, thank you, no more names.

No, I know exactly who I'm looking for now,

and I've developed a brilliant, analytical method of finding him.

Attorneys. "See, Lawyers."

Lawyers... Martins, Adams.

A. Adams.

Now he sounds just right, doesn't he?

It's against the law.

Damn right, it's against the law.

Do you think I could see the lawyer now?

You're talking to her, Professor.

You're A. Adams?

I'm Abigail Adams.

You're the attorney?

Yeah, see. No.

Cornell Undergraduate, 1969. Magna cum laude.

Yeah, you're the lawyer.

Harvard Law School, 1973, passed my Bar exams on the very first try.

Well, Congratulations. Do you...

Do you have a Yellow Pages I could look at?

Oh, sure. I do.

I'm sorry, Miss Adams.

But I think I'm gonna have to...

You're not even going to give me a chance?

Well, Miss Adams, I need someone with a little more experience.

I'm experienced. I am experienced.

I have spent the last five years preparing pleadings,

filing briefs and doing research

for firms like Critchett, Douglas and Levy... Miss Adams...

...waiting for someone to trust me in a courtroom

with their wife's speeding ticket. You guys are all the same, aren't you?

Come on, Miss Adams...

It doesn't have to do with any of that.

I'm trying to protect those poor helpless animals

from the combined power and influence...

Goddamn it, Professor, I may be a woman, I'm aware of that.

It doesn't have anything to do with you being a woman. I know...

And I know that I can handle this case as well as any of these Washington lawyers.

Well, I'm sure that maybe so, but I can't... In fact, probably better.

Well, maybe. I'm more motivated, I cost less,

and most important of all I've got 10 times the hours to give to it.

Miss Adams. Miss Adams.

Come on, you don't need to be so formal.

You can call me Abigail or you can call me Abby.

I'll call you Roger,

being that we're going to be working together so closely.

Abigail. Yes, Roger.

See, isn't that better?

It's, uh, 5:45.

I'm going to go home, Abigail,

and think about this

because it's a new departure. Mmm-hmm.

And then I will call you first thing in the morning, okay?

Right. Okay, I'll call you first thing in the morning.

Right. Sure. Bye.

Sure, you'll call.

Louis B. Anderson? No, just down the hall.

Thank you.

Good morning!

After Adams is Agasanian and Slopely,

but they only handle the probate stuff.

Then there's Allen, Johnson, and Rucker,

strictly mergers. Strictly mergers.

And then Anderson, Louis P.

Did you know I've been standing here since 8:30 this morning?

Well, I called you at 8:30 this morning.

To tell me to forget it.

Well, I would've phrased it a little more differently.

Did you know that the Dunbar Construction Company

is a Delaware Corporation? Net profits last year,

after taxes, $125, 255, 000.

Did you know that their executive offices are located in Philadelphia?

Did you know that they are extremely sensitive about their public image.

In fact, last year they canceled $3 million worth of network advertising

on a cop show because the PTA thought it was too violent.

How did you find out all this about Dunbar?

I researched it last night while waiting for my phone call.

I just wanted to give it one last shot.

Go on inside, he's a good man.

I took a course with him at Harvard.

It's the only "C" I ever got.

What else do you know?

For a company that's building a missile base aimed at China,

it sure seems strange that they opened a sales office in Shanghai.

Abigail?

I may ask you one question, okay?

All right, but let me ask you one first, okay?

Okay.

If you let me handle this case,

I'm not going to charge you anything

because I know you don't have any money.

But if I win, you've got to tell everybody my fee was $25,000.

Is that fair?

Yes Abigail. $25,000 is more than fair.

Good.

Now I can let you in on some of the heavy stuff.

Dunbar contributed over half-million dollars to the Nixon re-election slush fund.

And last week, they fired one of their vice-presidents

when he announced over lunch

TWA Flight 527, Chicago to New York,

that he was divorcing his wife,

and coming out of the closet with one of the boys from the mail room.

Now do you think Dunbar's position can be shaken

and if so, specifically how?

Specifically? Mmm-hmm.

$23 and 19 cents.

Go on.

I purchased one share of Dunbar common stock in your name yesterday.

Congratulations, you're now a shareholder

in the 29th largest corporation in the United States.

I would've given you an "A".

Yeah? Thanks. Taxi!

Dulles Airport, please.

Where are we going?

Philadelphia.

You don't wanna go home and pack?

What for?

Well, we might want to stay over or something.

You might want a change of under things.

Roger, this is 1979.

1979, you don't change your under things?

No, I mean I don't wear any.

Can I continue?

So, we go there and we talk to the Dunbar people.

I mean, we know where they stand on their public image.

Before we try and legally enjoin them,

maybe we can somehow...

Oh, Roger.

Do you think you could stop thinking about the fact

that there's a girl sitting next to you who's not wearing any under things,

and listen to me? I was listening.

Before, we, uh, "legally enjoin them..."

We'll tell them that it's bad public relations

to completely wipe out an endangered species.

Maybe we can embarrass them into convincing the military

to move their base a little to the north or to the south.

It's worth a try.

What do you sleep in?

Jeez!

Uh, driver, could you make a left at the next light? 28 Vermont Avenue.

Where we going? Won't we miss the plane?

Um, we'll take a train.

I wore this outfit for you, but I think, for them, we should look a little more

respectable, don't you? We?

I don't look respectable?

You look stuffy. There's a difference.

This is terrific. Just terrific.

It's amazing the kind of work you can do under pressure.

I mean usually I take like a week to prepare a lecture.

This is... This is gonna embarrass them, that's it, embarrass them

You know, I once thought I was in love with a man from Philadelphia?

Oh, yeah? I almost married him.

Can you imagine marrying a man from Philadelphia?

Yeah.

His favorite television shows were the Dating Game and Tom Snyder.

What we should do when we... When we get into the station,

we should telephone them right away.

Telephone them and make an appointment with them.

When we'd go to a restaurant and he'd order a steak,

the waiter would say, "How would you like your steak?" He'd say, "Mooing".

Was it mooing.?

I tried for three months to get him to say very rare,

but he would still say "mooing".

And then he'd make a sound like a cow right there in the restaurant.

You know, if we're lucky, we could probably get it all done this afternoon.

Let's stick our luggage in a luggage locker,

we don't have to rent a motel.

You know, I just wanna tell you something.

Uh-huh.

As you get to know me better, you're just...

You're gonna find that I am really a lot more human than I appear to be.

I mean, as a woman.

I am not dependent, but I am vulnerable.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I just got horny sitting next to you.

It's the train.

The train?

Yeah, the train. Vibrations.

Oh?

That's what it is.

So this is Dawson Bay as it would appear today.

As you can see, blue skies mountains, green hills river, beach.

Nice, but, uh, a little ho-hum.

Now, out of that wilderness

is Dunbar's projected community of the future

which I think is very exciting.

He have homes here now running from 49,999

to 79,999.

Depending upon the location, the view, the extras, the cul-de-sacs,

uh, the sewers are part of the package.

Uh, well, let me go straight to my favorite part.

On the north-east edge of the town here, you see,

that will be the largest shopping center in the State.

Now I think that's pretty exciting, don't you?

We, um...

What did you say your business was?

I'm a teacher.

Teacher.

There are the elementary schools.

And as you can see they're only a half a mile apart,

and we planned that intentionally

to avoid any kind of future busing problems,

not that we anticipate any with the price of the homes, you know what I mean.

Isn't that wonderful, honey?

Here is the high school.

That should illuminate, uh, there it is.

That's been approved by the, uh, Board of Education.

Uh, little lady, how about you?

Are you a housewife or homemaker?

I hate that word, "housewife".

I'm a lawyer.

A lawyer?

Oh, my gosh, that must be very Interesting work.

Well, uh, it's just something to keep me busy until I have some kids.

As God intended. Yes.

Yeah, here's, uh... Here's the professional building.

Now we have 16 offices still available in this one.

You must stop killing the Chowala Seals in Dawson Bay.

Excuse me?

He said you must stop killing Chowala seals in Dawson Bay.

This Dawson Bay?

Sorry, Harold, I mean, please.

Bob. See, to tell you the truth,

I didn't know any animals were being killed.

Five nights a week for the past two weeks.

In another 10 hours, they'll be at it again up there.

No, no, they won't and I can promise you that.

They'll be no more seals getting their heads bashed in at Dawson.

Are you serious? Oh, yeah.

Oh, God, thank you.

That's... That's inhuman. Baseball bats?

Baseball bats... To me that's cruel.

I think what they're gonna have to do is come up with

a more humane way of disposing of them.

Here let me get you another drink. Sydney.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You don't understand, it's not how they're killed that matters,

it's that they're being killed at all, you dumb bastard.

Roger, not here, not here. They're are too many witnesses.

It doesn't matter I gotta make this asshole understand.

You've gotta stop killing the seals.

You, now. You're breaking the law.

I'm not killing anything.

Well, your company is, you dumb son-of-a-bitch.

Two Scotch on the rocks and...

What'll you have, Daiquiri? You must stop them.

What? Stop them.

I can't do that I don't make decisions like that.

Well, then take me to somebody who does,

the President, the Vice-President, somebody.

The President or the Vice-President,

they happen to be unavailable. Well, when will they be available?

I don't know. They're in a Stockholder's meeting today or tomorrow.

Where? Stockholders, Roger, that's even better.

Why?

Because you're a stockholder, remember?

Oh, God! Oh, yeah.

Thank you Tom, come on Roger, let's get outta here.

I'm really sorry, I'm not a violent person.

Yep, yeah. Uh, no, forget it.

We'll just call it a fun afternoon and forget the whole thing.

We have to do it again sometime.

Yeah, really, yeah. Come on, Roger.

Next time, I'll wear a turtleneck.

- Abigail? - Come in.

Here's the presentation for tomorrow... Oh, you're in bed.

You noticed. Well, that's a beginning.

Well, you wanted to read it? What do you want me to do with it?

You could make it into a paper airplane

and sail it over here to me or you could take five giant steps

and hand it to me, or I could hop over to you and get it.

Oh, I can't do that, I tied my ankles together with a pair of shoelaces.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you see it's a promise I made to my mother when I left home.

You know, just in case an insane rapist should break through the door

and want to have his way with me.

Now the shoelaces will prevent that, eh?

Unless he decides to turn me over.

You can sit on the bed.

Oh, that's all right, Abigail.

Oh, come on Roger.

Didn't your mother tell you,

you actually had to touch a girl to get that disease?

That's it, we're engaged.

You wanna know something?

You wanna know when you liberated people

will truly be liberated for the first time?

The real breakthrough?

When you finally realize that your pussy

is not the most important part of you to a man.

It's terrific and all that, but it's not the most important thing, huh?

I know you know it up there in your head.

But when you finally realize it in your gut,

that's when you'll be rid of all that poison your mommy fed you.

Go on, read it.

You know what'd really make that presentation work?

If those people could just see the photographs that Peter took.

I should've had them blown up, that's what I should've done.

What time is it? 1:15.

What're you doing?

I'm gonna get you your blow-up.

Hello, Marty, did I wake you?

Good.

What do you mean who is this?

I knew you'd remember.

It's still a record?

Oh, thank you.

Listen, Marty, I need a favor desperately by tomorrow morning.

Yeah.

Good.

Well, I'll be over in five minutes.

Why did you hang up for?

Uh, I just remembered I can't let him help me, damn it!

Why not?

That great lecture you just gave me on women's sexuality...

Oh, I feel so inferior again.

What're you talking about?

Well,

instead of using my brains to get poor Marty out of bed

at 1:00 in the morning, I used my, uh...

I can't even say the word.

Pussy, pussy.

Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

Pussy.

Go on, call him back.

Pussy.

Oh, Roger.

You're so easy.

Just if I can be permitted to speak without interference.

Well, yeah, um, that's, uh...

That's guaranteed under the bylaws of the corporation anyway.

Any stockholder... Excuse me. Bob.

Hey, Thomas. Good morning.

Good Morning to you. I'm fine. How are you, sir?

I'd like you to meet Professor Roger Keller.

This is the President of the Company, this is Bob Ralston.

It's a pleasure, Roger, a pleasure.

Tom was filling me in this morning

about this seal business up at Dawson.

And he told me how strongly you felt about it.

I'm... I'm really embarrassed about that.

The problem is, I had no idea

what was going on up there, no idea at all.

Well, Bob, Roger would like to say a few words about that

at the meeting this morning but he's a little bit concerned

that somebody might do something to prevent it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Prevent it? No, no.

On the contrary, we want to hear all about it,

the complete story, Rog. Right.

Let's bring it out in the open, where it belongs.

Right? Right.

That's wonderful. Okay, I gotta run. See you inside, Rog.

Tom. Oh, right behind you, Bob.

I thought you'd never get here.

We had trouble mounting.

Uh, the damn picture on the cardboard, glue, uh...

I know what she means.

Roger, this is Marty. Marty, this is Professor Roger Keller.

Hi, Marty, this is just wonderful.

I don't know how to thank you for it.

I already did years ago. I'm sure you did.

This company does what you say it must do,

because you own this company.

It's your decision.

I've said all I have to say, you've seen the photographs,

you know what happens up there.

The rest is up to your own individual consciousness.

Thank you.

I move that we, in all possible haste

suspend operations on Dawson Bay project

until some method is devised

to support and save these remaining seals.

Could I have a seconder for that?

Professor? Professor, please.

I, I think we all agree that

that was a very moving presentation by Professor Keller.

Unfortunately, though, we are not here today

to vote on any resolutions.

As a matter of fact,

that's forbidden by the bylaws of the corporation.

Any such action, unless previously provided for by...

Unless it is under extraordinary conditions, Mr. Dickerson.

Page 64, paragraph 4.

Where life is at risk, a vote may be taken

on a motion on the floor by any stockholder.

Its right here in your pamphlet.

That's human life, Miss Adams.

You are all part of the conspiracy to help destroy

these poor helpless creatures.

Miss Adams, in as much as you are not a stockholder here,

I'm going to have to ask you to relinquish the microphone.

I will not relinquish the microphone.

I am a legal representative of the stockholder...

You're all a bunch of murderers.

She's right, you're all monsters.

You're breaking the law for a few bucks.

Right on. I'm with you Francis.

Uh, my name is Henry, not Francis.

My wife's name is Francis. I'm wearing her pin because I lost mine.

She's gone shopping today. Oh.

And if that guard touches that girl

I'm coming up on that platform

to give you a couple of black eyes.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, please, we have a lot to do today.

Ladies and gentlemen, could I have your attention, please?

Guard, that's not necessary.

The, uh, charming lady does have a point.

Tom, you have to admit that she is charming, now.

Well, I don't think anyone's questioning that, Bob.

Now, we must not...

We must not quibble about technicalities,

not with family.

Now, obviously, something important is at stake here, Tom,

and I think, I think, we should have a vote on it.

All right.

Please, now, would the...

Would the grey-haired gentleman at table four,

please repeat your motion?

Thank you.

I move that we in all possible haste

suspend operations at the Dawson Bay Project

until at least some method is devised

to protect the seals that are still there.

If I may...

If I may, I would like very much to second this motion.

A motion has been made and seconded that we suspend

operations on the Dawson Bay Project

until such time that a method is devised

to protect the remaining seals.

All those in favor say, "Aye".

Aye!

All those opposed?

My name is...

My name is Ralph Henry Emerson.

There are 280 million shares of Dunbar common stock,

and I hold the proxies

to 279,990,117 of them.

And my vote is no.

Motion to suspend operations on the Dawson Bay Project

is herewith voted down.

The next order of business is the, uh,

proposed increase in the stock options of the executives.

That, um of course will be followed

by the complimentary chicken a la king luncheon

with the iced tea and fruit cup.

That was a wonderful speech you gave.

You know,

it's too bad it isn't 40 years ago,

'cause then when they made the movie on bachelor life,

Jimmy Stewart could have played you.

Mmm, I love malamar cookies.

Would you like me to keep quiet?

Yes, please.

It's not me, is it?

No, no. It isn't you.

I forgot, I've got a racquet ball game tomorrow afternoon

with Tom, James...

In Juno?

And I'm supposed to go to Canton, Ohio.

Abigail, I've got something I'd like to talk to you about.

I don't think I wanna hear it.

I don't think we can beat them.

I think they're too powerful,

too glib, and amoral and elusive.

Roger, Roger. No, there is gotta be a way.

There's gotta be some legal loophole somewhere

that we can hang them with. I know we can find that.

Besides, how can you cop out on a fight like this now?

We've been only at it for five days.

Did you know that it took 50 years to enforce the law

that enabled the blacks to vote in Alabama.

Seventy-five. Seventy-five, excuse me.

Did you see Roots?

Wasn't it great? I hated it.

Abigail, I'm gonna have to go back.

Roger, I can't let you do that.

No, I have to Abigail, there's no point in me staying.

It's just a waste of the university's money.

I've overestimated myself a bit.

No more, I'm exhausted.

I'll talk to you in the morning.

No, Roger, let's talk now.

Get all the bags out, will you?

They'll laugh you out of Alaska if you go back now.

Come on. I mean it, Roger.

If you quit while there's even one seal alive up there,

you'll never be able to face a classroom of law students again.

Mr. Keller.

They've been calling you every hour from Alaska.

Okay, well, when they call back,

I'll take it upstairs in my room.

Mr. Paxton, this is Abigail Adams, my attorney

and we're going upstairs to talk.

I want to believe you.

Believe me, Roger, I know I'm right.

Yeah, sure.

Hello.

Yeah, Mr. Paxton.

Yeah, put him on, please. Thank you.

Hello, Peter.

You're putting my face on every telephone pole in Juno.

Oh, yeah. I know, I know.

Yeah, I'm... Sure, I don't mind being a hero.

No, no. I'm not surprised at all

at the kind of support you get from the town.

We just came back from a stockholder's meeting

at Dunbar in Philadelphia.

Yeah, in Philadelphia.

And we got just incredible support

from the stockholder's who were there.

Well, no, no. I don't think you could

exactly say it was a fait accompli.

Peter, no.

No, there's some stuff to be done here.

A parade?

No. No, I don't think I'm going to be able to get back for that.

No...

Well, I would love to if I could,

but I think probably the work here

is gonna take a little bit longer.

And a rally, okay, good. That's wonderful.

That's really, uh... It's really heartening, that kind of support.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, thank you.

Yeah, all power to you, too, Peter. Thank you.

See, wasn't I right?

I should've listened to you.

You should do a lot of things.

Yeah.

Like what?

Kiss me.

Oh! What's the matter?

It was nice.

It was.

I thought you had a sexy mouth, but I wasn't sure.

Mmm, you have a very sexy mouth.

I do? Hmm.

Abigail, once I get started, I'm not a robot, you know...

I know, I know, I know, you're an animal, I know, I know.

Now, I better go home.

You are home, Roger. This is your home.

Yeah.

What's the matter, Roger?

Are you afraid that sex will compromise our fiduciary relationship?

Now, shall I lock the door?

Would you like to live dangerously?

You do remember how, don't you?

I think so.

I'm sure that if we turn out the lights

and lie down, everything will work out.

Abigail,

can I ask you one thing before we start? Hmm?

Is it okay?

You know what I mean, is it gonna be okay?

I didn't bring any precaution.

I don't believe this.

Roger, I've been on the pill for six years.

Which pill?

Which pill? The birth control pill.

What color?

Blue.

Blue is 93% effective, Abigail. Roger.

No, I'm serious,

I mean if you want to take the risk for 7%... I do, I do, I do.

Just one more thing, Abigail.

If it really is feeling nice and terrific for you, will you tell me?

Oh, yeah. Will you say "10"?

And if it's really the pits, will you say "0"?

And anything in-between,

will you kind of grade it and scale it.

You're putting me on, aren't you?

Or aren't you?

Oh, you are so rotten.

Lie back on that pillow.

What?

I said, put your butt on that pillow.

Jesus, what is it about me. I always attract all the weirdoes.

I guess I deserved it.

You deserved it.

Lie back.

You awake? Mmm-hmm.

I just realized something.

I knew, you forgot to thank me. You're welcome.

The Endangered Species Act was only passed in 1975.

What protected the Chowala Seals up until then?

I mean, if they weren't killed off,

that means either nobody wanted to kill them,

or there was some law protecting them with a statute somewhere.

We'll find it.

Let's go to the Library of Congress tomorrow and find out.

Dynamite.

Like the idea? Mmm-hmm.

I thought you would.

Goodnight.

Goodnight?

Now, I finally know what it's like to be married.

What?

Nothing.

Do you want your other pillow back?

Yeah, toss it over, will you?

No, come and get it.

Roger, Roger, sorry about this. Oh!

But there's something wrong with the bathtub.

There's someone at the door. Professor Keller.

Oh, God. It's Mr. Paxton,

quick, under the bed and hide.

Hide? Roger, this is 1980, this is ridiculous.

Just as I thought, disorder in the court.

You lied to me, both of you.

Doesn't anybody in the world know how to read?

Welcome to the YWCA.

Did you know it's against the law

to eat a live chicken in New Jersey?

What's happening in your part of the country?

"Stokely v. the State of Wyoming."

"Appellate Court, May 6th,1915,

"Judge Herbert L. Danzig presiding.

"Any person or persons

"killing a buffalo using a canon, a machine gun,

"or any other such automatic weapon,

"is subject to a $5 fine,

"or five days in jail, or both."

God bless Judge Danzig. If it weren't for men like him,

most of the buffalo in this country would be gone by now.

Let's take a lunch break.

You are fantastic.

Do you know it's against the law to do what we just did

in 37 states, Puerto Rico, and the Panama Canal Zone.

It was good, huh?

It was the complete works of Henry Miller condensed into five minutes.

You're welcome.

That's the second time you've said that.

You're welcome for what exactly?

I don't believe it.

How many times... How many times did you?

I don't know.

I don't know. I don't count.

Sure you count. Everybody counts.

Eight, right? I don't remember.

Eight. Ten.

Ten?

Ten for you and one for me?

You're welcome. Thanks a lot. Terrific.

Really, I... It's amazing.

You have this brilliantly designed,

God-given anatomy and plumbing

that gives you 10 times the pleasure it gives me

and you say you're welcome.

And it's 1979.

You can admit that you get as much pleasure out of it as I do.

What is it with this mid-Victorian "You're welcome" bullshit?

Am I right or am I crazy?

No, no, no, you're right.

You're absolutely right. I shall never do it again.

Thank you for straightening out my head in that area.

You're welcome.

Well, now I have to admit it was

so far in a way the very best that...

I would have to say, thank you.

You're welcome.

"History of the Hunting and Gaming Laws of the State of Georgia."

One thousand, one hundred and seventy-two pages.

Cougar. See convertibles, hardtops and station wagons.

I'm sorry I've gone completely punchy.

It's my 15th state since lunch.

There's gotta be a quicker way.

What did you have in mind?

Maybe we should split up.

Tomorrow you stay with State Laws in the Library of Congress

and I'll move on to treaties.

After all, if the government is selling land to Dunbar,

somebody had to sell it to the government

to give away in the first place.

Someone or some group must have owned it originally,

probably still do.

Which brings us up to the Manitoba Indians

and the Dawson Bay Treaty.

Dawson Bay?

"Let it hereby be known that on the..."

Jesus! Mr. Farkus, come here, quick.

What's wrong, Miss Adams?

Nothing is wrong. Come over here and look at this.

It's a treaty that cedes Dawson Bay

to the Manitoba Indian tribe and their descendents

in perpetuity.

Manitoba Indians.

Now, here they are.

The Manitoba tribe used to be located up in this area.

Used to be. Where are they now?

Let's see.

Well, the Treaty that you read in the big book,

well, it seems that it was broken in 1894,

something to do about a dispute

between the seal hunters and the Indians.

Now, here we are.

"The Manitobas who were left alive after the fighting,

"230 of them,

"were put on a reservation for their own protection in 1920."

Well, which reservation? How do I get there?

Ah, well according to this last letter,

they're not there anymore.

"Broke out in 1922 and escaped."

Government lost track of them.

You're kidding, the government lost track

of 230 Indians?

Well, not exactly.

According to this final report,

only one of them escaped in 1922.

The rest died on the reservation.

But there's one left? Hmm.

I'm gonna find him. Mmm-hmm.

Thank you very much. Mmm-hmm.

Thank you very, very much. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

All we need to find is one Manitoban Indian

since they own the land by prior treaty,

we'll slap a trespassing suit on Dunbar so fast,

it'll make their corporate heads spin.

How're we gonna find him? One Indian in the whole United States!

What're you gonna do? An ad in everybody's paper?

How're we gonna find him?

There's gotta be a faster way.

What are you gonna do? I just thought of something.

Oh, no.

You wait and see.

Hello, David, did I wake you? Oh, no.

You know, somebody asked me,

"Ms. Vest, how do you keep your youth?"

I said, "Ooh, I send them a check once a week."

...and two.

Get the fade out of your shot,

give me a close-up on David.

You're a big one!

That was just wonderful!

Oh, thank you, David.

Professor Keller and I were just, uh... You know Professor Keller?

Oh, Professor Keller, you're no relation to Helen, are you?

No.

She choreographed my act.

Looks it.

I was just kidding.

Oh, the professor and I were just discussing the plight of the seals

in his home state.

Now, Professor, our staff made some inquiries this afternoon

and they made a few calls

and I think it was determined that the air force

and the Dun... The Construction Company.

The Dunbar Construction Company.

The Dunbar Construction Company have agreed

to move the seals to another location.

But that doesn't make any difference, see.

The result would be the same.

The seals can only breed on flat coastline,

and that place where they are

is the only piece of flat coastline for 200 miles.

Can't they do it on a hill?

A little slant?

They breed once a year, you see.

They only have one mating season. Yeah. One chance?

Oh, what a drag.

For you, maybe, Craig, but the seals are quite content.

Uh, Professor, you brought some pictures with you.

Yes I did. Why don't we look at those now.

Thank you.

Those are Chowala seals.

I should say that they were.

Why did they beat them up so much?

That's the way that they exterminate them.

When those pictures were taken, there were about

a thousand of those seals in existence.

Tonight as we look at them,

there are possibly 300 of them.

So, if anyone in the audience tonight

knows the whereabouts of the one Manitoban Indian still in existence,

I would really like it if they could telephone us.

- Is that all right? - Of course.

Could you telephone, please,

Miss Abigail Adams in Washington, D.C.

The area code is 202-962-3701.

962-3701.

Can they call collect?

Yeah, sure.

I know my audience, that'll help.

Hey, Jamie. Hi, Sally. Hi, Tom.

Is he up yet?

Yeah, he's been up for a long time.

Okay, good.

Hi, Jamie.

Now, don't forget...

Three thousand six hundred, six hundred and nine in all.

All negative.

Well, six, uh, 610 counting the one from my mother.

All right.

First Tom, I want you to organize a counter-mall campaign.

I want at least 5,000 of these

to hit the networks in the next two weeks.

Then call Charlie over at the agency,

we'll buy us a back page in the New York Times

and I'll write the copy. And one more thing,

get on the phone and tell them to double the men up at Dawson.

Let's get it over and done with as fast as we can.

Okay.

It could be worse.

Yeah.

Jake.

Sit down.

Look, it's your job to take whatever steps are necessary

to protect us here.

We'll get on to it right away.

We'll set up the camera in the girl's apartment.

Then we'll bug... No, no, no.

Don't tell me.

I don't want to hear about it.

Just, uh... Just do it.

And Jake, find that last goddamn Indian.

Hire the entire Pinkerton Agency, if you have to

but, uh, find him.

Goodbye.

Who loves you? Who loves you?

Your Daddy loves you.

Yeah, see you.

Not you, dummy.

Why don't you give Louise a call?

Even if he didn't watch the show,

somebody who knows him must have watched the show.

I can't figure out why he hasn't telephoned.

A Manitoban Indian who escaped from a reservation

must know who he is or that we want him,

or somebody must know who he is, and therefore where he is.

I have a terrific idea.

Stanley Nelson works for the Census Bureau.

He's an old friend of mine.

Oh, God. I'll go see him.

Why don't you just wait until we get back to the office,

and then telephone him. I don't want to call from the office.

I would not be surprised if my phone was being tapped.

Oh, Abigail.

Roger, you can't be so trusting.

You don't think they're stupid enough to tap somebody's phone?

Yes, I do. I really do.

Another $479

and 52 cents in donations.

You know that's almost $10,000.

We should offer this up as a reward

for finding the last Manitoba Indian.

A. Adams, Attorney Office.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, I wanna help crippled children too,

but these are Chowala, not Easter Seals.

Yes, ma'am. Thank you very much.

No, not at all.

Listen.

My license has been suspended

for having a defective muffler on my 1963 Volkswagen

which I sold In 1969.

Aw, its gotta be some kind of...

A. Adams, Attorney's Office.

Suite 1200,

432 Pennsylvania Avenue,

Washington, D.C., 21758.

Thank you.

"Dear Miss Adams, an audit of your state taxes

"for the years of 1976 and 1977 will be presently forthcoming."

A. Adams, Attorney's Office.

Yes, would you repeat your name please?

Xanook.

And you're a Manitoban Indian?

No, no, no, no. No, please, look, don't be frightened.

Nobody will know. We will be very careful.

Uh-huh. Yeah, no, we know the hotel.

Sure, Room 312,

and we'll come around the back.

No, we have all the documentation.

Sure, we'll be there in about an hour.

Thank you. Thank you.

He said around the back. He said use the back stairs.

I don't want to read this.

You have to read them.

Why, what for?

After what the white man did to my people f or over 200 years?

You know, my great-grandfather was Geronimo.

I thought Geronimo was Apache.

Half.

My great-uncle was Jim Thorpe.

Now you know, what the White people did to Jim Thorpe.

They took away his Olympic gold medals in the film.

Yeah, but that was because he played pro-baseball.

That wasn't because he wasn't an Indian. Oh, really?

You think that they would humiliate Pete Rose that same way?

Probably, if he'd broken the rules.

But there are two sets of rules. There's the rules.

Do you think you two could...

The rules, the rules, for my people.

Oh.

Could you sign?

This petition states...

Hey, look, I told you,

there's really no need to explain.

I really love what you people are doing.

Give me the pen.

Yeah, I got a pen here.

There's six places I marked where you should sign.

Perrier, the biggest thirst quencher.

Stay away from those sugar-loaded soft drinks that only add pounds

to your hips.

Ask for...

Son-of-a-bitch I'm gonna kill you.

No Roger, don't Roger. Please don't hurt me. I'm an actor Don't hurt me.

They hired me to play an Indian.

It's true. $500.

Hey, wait, wait. I got a great idea.

If I promise not to tell them,

that you found me out, then I get to keep the $500

and you get to keep looking for the real Indian

without them knowing it. Then everyone would be happy.

What do you say?

What do you think, Roger? Can we trust him?

Oh, sure, Abigail. Absolutely.

Though I think it would be better if he swore on the Bible.

You wouldn't mind swearing on the Bible, would you?

No.

Oh, we can trust him.

"Dear, Senor Quixote,

"it seems the windmills you've been dueling with

"have very long arms.

"I was reminded of this sad fact by two phone calls yesterday

"and three meetings this morning.

"Roger, I know that sending you to Washington

"was my brilliant idea and for this I apologize

"but unless you stop your activities immediately,

"not only will you not have a job here, or myself a pension,

"but Barnes College may well turn out to be

"the largest parking lot, west of the Canadian border.

"Regards, Dean Collier."

Oh, boy.

Yep?

Yeah, hi, will you fill it up with unleaded.

Unleaded. Unleaded, Junior, fill it up.

You know what they pay grade school teachers in England?

About ten bucks more than I'll make as a waitress.

Huh, if you don't get tips.

This card's been reported stolen, sir.

I'm gonna have to keep it, and you're gonna have to pay me in cash.

That's impossible. I've had that card for six years.

It's my card. There's gotta be some kind of mistake.

Now, would you go and check it again, please?

All right, I'll check in the new book at the station.

I'll be right back.

Roger, I am scared.

Abigail, this thing's gotta be some kind of a mistake.

For the first time in my life, I'm scared of them.

Those Dunbar people are playing hardball.

Wait a second.

They're not fooling around anymore.

Come on, Abigail.

You're right, the card's fine. I'm sorry.

Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.

Behind the wheel!

Jesus Christ.

Stop, or I'll shoot.

No, don't shoot, you asshole. You'll blow us all to hell.

Stop it for Christ's sake. It's a buck 80 a gallon.

Goddamn son-of-a-bitch, called the police.

Roger, we didn't do anything wrong.

What're you doing? Jesus!

Stop that damn thing.

Shut it off.

I can't see. Ahhh! I can't see either.

This gasoline's all over me.

They're following us?

Roger, this is ridiculous!

Trust me, I'm your lawyer.

The worst that'll happen is, they'll stop and search you,

and find out you're you and let us go home.

No, they won't. They'll put us in jail.

He's moving. He's moving.

He's got a Porsche engine in that. I'm telling you,

he's got a Porsche or a Maserati in there.

I mean I see your point,

if it's a matter of principle, I see it, but...

Abby, I'm gonna try and lose 'em.

Ahhh!

Mommy!

Hold on to something firm.

Oh, Jesus.

You hit him! He hit us.

Be careful.

He has to be careful. We're police. Let him be careful.

Get back.

Oh, watch it!

Roger, if you're gonna destroy a building,

could it be the CIA in Alexandria, or the FBI down the block?

What are they doing?

I don't know how to tell you this,

but they're crazier than you are.

Look out!

All right, I lied. I'm not pregnant, Roger.

Want a creamsicle?

I think I got rid of them.

Along with my stomach, muffler and half my pantyhose.

Well, I couldn't let them search me, Abby.

Please, slow down.

Oh, my God. The brakes are gone.

We're gonna hit that car.

No, we're not!

My God! They really do float.

I'm terribly sorry what I did to your car, Abigail.

If I promise not to get angry, Roger,

do you think you could explain to me why you just did that?

Why? Why?

I was holding.

Oh, Jesus!

You mean, for a few lousy joints, you just destroyed my car,

and almost had the two of us killed?

I said I was sorry.

Do you realize also that you blew any chance you ever had

of becoming President of the United States?

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter? No, I couldn't spend four years in this town.

Oh.

You don't have a match, do you?

Mr. Paxton!

Mr. Paxton!

Yes.

What happened to you?

I had an accident. I'll tell you about it as soon as I get changed.

You're room was searched this morning.

Oh, God. Anything else?

The Health Department condemned my kitchen this afternoon.

Well, at least they didn't condemn your building.

That was the Fire Department this evening.

I'll move out. We both will.

What? I said we both will.

You need a partner and I'm mad as hell.

Far out.

Well, while you're doing the A.M. Show with David Hartman,

I'll just bop across town

and get you on the very next plane for tonight.

Good morning, Roger. Hi, Abigail.

We're busy, Mr. Dickerson.

Yeah, I know. Listen, Mr. Ralston

would like to talk to you for a couple of minutes.

I can make sure you catch that New York flight

if you could come with me.

That's a wonderful deal you fellas have worked out with the phone company.

Ralston is convinced

he's got the perfect solution to the seal problem.

Make everybody happy.

I'd settle for pleasantly surprised.

Well, uh, I think I can guarantee that.

Really. Why don't you hop in?

Okay?

Let's go. Okay.

You look wonderful. Oh, thank you.

How've you been?

Oh, fine. Good. Good.

That's area code 212.

New York 355-2821,

extension 509.

Tell Mr. Hartman you've changed your mind.

Four copies of these

will be sent out to the President,

the Dean, the Alumni Association

and every faculty member

of the Barnes College by tomorrow morning.

After that, every law firm in this city

and New York, Los Angeles and Chicago. Jake, Jake.

I want you to understand that

I hate this kind of garbage.

It's nothing personal, you know that.

It's just that, uh, we kind of ran out of ideas

on how to make this thing work out.

I think... If I may, Bob...

I think what Mr. Ralston is trying to say is that

we're pretty much at the bottom of the barrel here,

and you pushed us very hard, Roger.

You, uh...

You have to dial 9 if, uh...

If you wanna get an outside line.

I used to think the bad guys were guys like

Al Capone or Billy the Kid.

But I was wrong.

It's guys like you.

You and Tom and Jake and your secretary out there,

and the guy in the elevator who brought us up here.

And the decent-looking people on the street

who work for big corporations or Governments,

and think that they can exchange their morality

for the morality of big corporations.

Five days a week, nine to five every day.

And get away with it and go home.

And kiss their kids and still be decent moral people.

Well, they can't. They can't.

Because big corporations don't have any morality at all.

Nothing. They don't have any compassion, any humanity.

Excuse me, I'd like to have a word with my client.

Roger, can we meet in the hall?

Please, take all the time you'd like,

but don't do it in the hallway.

Tom... Use Tom's office.

Yeah, sure. Just make yourself comfortable.

You want a drink or something, Roger?

Call me crazy, but I like those two kids.

I... They're good people.

A little mixed up, but good people.

You like 'em, huh? Yes, I do.

Well, I think they're both full of shit.

I mean, how dare they come in here calling us the bad guys.

Me.

II was wounded twice,

once in Korea and once in the Bay of Pigs.

Three times, Jake.

Forgot the hooker in Miami that bit you

on your pecker when you refused to pay her.

We've made a decision.

We'd like two copies of that.

A blow-up of that.

Four? Two.

Just two of that.

And one of that, for my mother.

Should I write that down,

or do you think you can remember?

I can remember.

I'll take care of it today.

Any other decisions, you'd like us to make?

No, I don't think so. Tom, drive them to the airport.

Make sure they catch their plane.

Thanks, fellas.

Of course, they rescinded your parade permit, Peter.

What did you expect?

I know it isn't just,

but who ever told you this system guarantees justice?

Well, I was wrong.

He hung up.

The only justice this system guarantees you

is the right to pursue justice.

Come in.

Excuse me,

is the $10,000 reward really true?

It most certainly is.

Well, I don't want it.

I could use the money all right,

but old Oscar wants it himself.

Who's old Oscar?

Old Oscar? He's... Well, he's the Indian.

Ma'am, excuse me, sorry.

Would you sit down in that chair,

and write down what you were gonna say.

Abby, get me a pad of paper and a pencil, will you?

And a lie detector?

I don't think that's going to be necessary.

The walls have ears, you understand?

If you say so.

You're gonna have to run it by me again

'cause I don't understand it.

Uh, we take my car

to the Shady-Inn Motel in Harrisburg,

and wait for Oscar's call tomorrow night.

9:15?

She's calling us at 9:15 to tell us where he'll be hiding.

But your car is a blue 1955 Buick

which is a little conspicuous.

That's good.

Oh, you want them to follow us?

Yes, Roger, that's part of the plan.

But then, how do we get to Oscar?

We don't.

She does.

But they'll be watching her.

They'll be watching us.

Come on, they're not that dumb.

It won't work this way, I guarantee you.

How many Alfred Hitchcock movies have you seen?

One, one or two. I don't know.

North By Northwest.

Well, I've seen them all. So, listen.

Is there a doctor here in town you can trust?

One I can trust? No.

One who owes me a favor. Yes.

Naturally.

Bob Reuben's at Mount Sinai.

He went to Medical School with my brother Tom.

Tom got him into the only non-Jewish fraternity at TUFTS

that had all the answers to the biology quizzes.

Do you believe that? No.

Good, 'cause I just made it up.

What'd I do with Dr. Reuben?

You'll phone him, and tell him to be prepared.

For what?

Don't tell me. Don't let me in on it. I don't want to know.

I wouldn't understand it anyhow.

Darling, you're not going to believe me,

but I had mine out when I was 12-years-old.

Roger, it hurts.

I know honey, but they'll put you to sleep,

and they'll have your appendix in a bottle before you know it.

There'll be nothing but a cute little scar... Bottle?

...on your sexy little tummy and you'll be okay.

You'll be home in two days.

Will you wait? Sure.

You promise not to fall in love

with some other dumb unshaven chick before you leave?

Easy boys.

Up we go.

Okay, you all right? Yeah.

I'll come see you tonight. Here's your bag, okay.

Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot.

Bye, darling.

Are you really going duck hunting?

Honey, of course I am,

it's the first day of the season.

What are you looking at me so strangely for?

I go every year, don't I babe?

Yes, you do.

Well, have you got everything? Yep.

Ready to bag one. See you tomorrow night.

Where are you really going, Bob?

And what's the duck's name?

Abigail Adams, and she's no duck, darling.

She's a decoy.

How can you eat that slop?

Well, it's better for you than those coffin nails you're smoking.

You're gonna die from those three packs a day some day, buddy.

No, as a matter of fact, I read in, uh,

a scientific digest that said,

the person sitting next to the person smoking

is more apt to get cancer than the person smoking.

Thanks.

Are you sure that those clowns have really found him?

Yes.

Well, why don't we just go and get him?

I mean who is he?

We don't know that yet, Jake.

That's why we're here.

Cigarette?

You got nothing to lose. Come on.

Okay.

Thanks, Doc.

Check.

Six moves to mate.

I apologize, two moves to mate.

4:00 on the dot.

Let's go see Abigail.

Who's that with them?

That's, uh, Paxton, the guy that owns the Dulsey House.

You sure?

I think he looks like that black actor,

the one that was in Roots.

Wait a minute, Bob, I think they're getting into a car.

Back it outta here.

Are they still following?

Yeah, I think it's them.

No, no. No problem, Bob. We got 'em.

They haven't seen us.

Let's see if we can almost lose them.

Abigail, brace yourself,

I'm going to make a sharp right-hand turn!

They made the turn. It's them.

Protect your head, Abby!

It's not my head I'm worried about.

Still following us? They won't quit.

How you doing back there?

As a person, lousy.

As a milkshake, terrific.

Be careful, Tom.

Don't do that Jake? Don't do what?

Don't talk.

I think we hit something, Tom.

No, we just brushed him. Shouldn't we stop?

No, no. He'll be all right.

These farm people are tough.

Yes, Oscar.

Oh, yes, sir, she'll find it, all right.

No, she's very bright.

Right.

Louise, darling, all right, okay,

you've had your turn, okay?

Let me... Let me speak a minute and I'll... I'll explain the whole thing.

Oh, no. Now, well, I'm sure she did say that, but...

No, he's not... He's not hunting ducks, darling.

Huh?

Yeah red pick-up truck, yeah.

Don't worry about it, sir. She'll be on time.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

God bless you, sir.

God bless you. Thank you.

Alone means alone, Louise!

Yes!

Well, then I tell you what you do,

you call a goddamn lawyer, all right?

No, you don't call Fred, he's my lawyer.

Yeah.

They're leaving, let's get going.

Come on move it, Tom.

Aw, Jesus!

Now I know what it feels like to be

gang-banged by the LA Rams.

109. Room 109. The message is on the lamp. 109.

They're still following us.

Of course.

She should be getting on the bus, just about now.

In a few minutes.

That's Greyhound number 584, non-stop to Springfield, Illinois.

Now, you try and catch up with me as fast as you can.

What if they notice that we're not tailing them?

I want him to notice, Jake.

Just make sure that he does.

I gotta run.

Uh, we want them to notice that we're not tailing them.

They turned around. Something went wrong.

I told you they weren't that dumb.

We gotta get to Abigail and warn them.

No, slow down.

Maybe they don't know anything.

Maybe it's a trick.

Let's not lead them there.

Maybe it'd be better if we followed them for a while.

That what Hitchcock would do?

Probably.

It's a long ride, isn't it?

Would you like a malamar cookie?

They're my favorite.

No, thank you.

Would you like some milk?

No, I'm fine.

You like traveling by bus?

Not really.

Why not?

Because I do not like being sexually harassed by strange men.

So, could you please leave me alone?

Me?

Yes, you.

You're kidding, aren't you?

I am not kidding.

And if you don't stop coming on, I'm going to tell the driver.

Now, leave me alone.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I just want you to know that's the nicest thing anyone ever said to me.

All right, shoot, Tom.

She left the bus at Springfield and rented a car.

♪ I will have to look around

♪ Till the white girl comes to town ♪

Now, we're on Illinois 54 headed for Flora.

Not Florida, asshole, Flora, Illinois.

Now, where the hell are you guys?

Oh, we're close by, Bob.

Uh, we'll be coming down 54

in the opposite direction, about, 5 minutes.

When we see you, we'll just blink our lights.

Alfred Hitchcock.

As long as we get to them at the barn before they do,

we'll think of something.

Damn it, how could I lose them?

They stop for gas, we stop for gas.

Jake stopped to take a leak.

You stopped to take a leak.

Dumb, Roger, just dumb.

Alfred Hitchcock.

Miss Adams? No, I'm Post-Road Annie.

Contact.

There she goes.

There goes Roger.

Good.

Everybody together, no loose ends. Come on.

It's way Inside. It's up in the loft.

All right. Thanks a lot.

Yeah, okay.

Roger, what are you two doing here?

They followed us all the way here.

How do you know? We followed them.

Here they come. Come on inside the barn.

Me, up there.

Oscar, is that you?

It's me.

It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.

You bring the money?

Yeah, we brought the money,

and we brought some papers for you to sign.

Me read first.

Oh, no, don't read them sir, we don't have enough time for you to read them, sir.

If... If you just, just...

Would you give him the money, please?

Yeah.

She's got the money for you right now, sir.

Here's the money. Here's the money.

And there, that, those are the papers.

Just sign them.

She's your woman?

Yeah, she's my attorney too.

Sign right here.

What the hell's Tom doing?

Siphoning a can of gasoline out of the car.

What for?

Jake, if they don't come out of there reasonably,

we're gonna have to scare them out.

Got plenty, Bob.

Just like high school, huh?

All right, Roger!

We know you're in there!

You got 30 seconds

to send that Indian out of there

with whatever you got him to sign!

Otherwise,

we're gonna have to smoke you out.

30, 29, 28, 27...

What was that?

Sign here. 25, 24...

23, 22, 21...

Abby, I don't believe it.

Ralston's got a shotgun and that idiot, Dickerson

is pouring gasoline around the barn.

They're bluffing. They wouldn't set fire to the barn.

Hurry up. I am.

17, 16, 15...

Ralston?

That's insanity!

That's pure, absolute insanity!

You've got 10 seconds, Roger,

or there's gonna be a hot time in the old town tonight.

Whatever they gave you Chief, we'll double it.

- Hurry up. - Five, four, three...

Here, pour more here.

...two, one.

How about it, Roger?

How about if we throw in another 100,000 for you and your lady?

Done.

Ralston!

Stick your money up your ass!

Tom, did he say what I think he said?

Afraid so, Bob.

He teaches our children?

Light it up.

Light it up!

All right, Jake, come around front.

We're on fire, Abby. The barn's on fire.

The three of you get down below,

underneath that fountain and lie down on the floor,

and wait there until I get back.

What're you gonna do?

I don't know for sure, but, I'll think of something.

Get in!

Roger! Come on, get up.

Get in the back, quick!

Lie down on the floor. Are you all right?

Roger! Stop or I'll shoot.

You assholes!

Holy shit! Bob!

Bob!

Bob!

Abby? Are you all right?

Yes, yes, I'm all right. Oscar? Mr. Paxton?

Yes, I'm fine.

Oh, Roger, you were wonderful.

Splendid!

Oh, I love you. I love you, too.

They went right through the wall! Right through it!

Let's go! Let's get 'em.

Let's go, Bob. Did you see him?

He went right through it, right over my head.

What're you doing, Bob? What's the matter?

We're out of gas, Tom.

Who's in charge here?

He is.

Let it hereby be known on the order of Judge Harem P. Gilliard.

An order has been issued instructing the immediate cessation

of the annihilation of the amphibious Chowala mammals

in this area for now and all time henceforth.

What the hell does that mean?

What it means, Charlie, is, knock it off!

It'll give us only an eight second advantage against the Chinese

but what the hell? It's better than nothing!

Absolutely right, Fred, absolutely.

Now, we sent up the crew to start a land survey.

When was that, Thursday, Tom? Thursday morning, right.

Thursday morning and we'll have the results back

in about three weeks, I think?

There is one problem, Mr. Ralston.

What's that?

Polar bears.

Lots of polar bears in that area.

We'll get rid of them.

We can't let a bunch of polar bears

muck up the take-offs

and scare off the wives, can we?

No, Fred, its not a problem. Right, Tom?

Right. No, we'll get rid of them.

Poison darts. Cyanide.

Fast? Fast and no pain.

That's painless.

Coffee. Oh, come in, Mary.