Original subtitles

(WATERY NOISES ECHOING)

-(CHIMES TINKLING) -(SPEAKING SPANISH)

BOY:

ALL:

♪ (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(SPEAKING ENGLISH) When are the makeup artists arriving?

RENALDO: (SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPEAKING ENGLISH) There's traffic on the way to the airport.

Traffic is the worst possible news.

It's gonna be fine.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPEAKING ENGLISH) Where's my money?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

-MARLEN: (IN SPANISH) -(FRUTSI BARKS)

(FRUTSI CONTINUES BARKING)

(FRUTSI BARKS)

♪ ("ELLOS QUIEREN SANGRE" BY VARSOVIA PLAYS) ♪

(IN ENGLISH) I can believe you never heard of Trader Joe's.

Wait until you see TJ Maxx.

RENALDO:

(GASPS)

I can't believe I'm standing in front of you.

I'm just-- just a big fan-- Your movie changed my life.

Yes, mine too.

And thank you in advance

for making my visions come to life.

Tico, what did you buy? Let me see.

Ooh! You got the horseradish hummus.

That makes my throat just burn.

And ginger snaps! Oh! I love these.

Before I met Tico, a cookie was just a cookie,

but then he said, "Try a ginger snap."

Oh...

Have you ever had one?

Ginger snap? No.

Mmm.

Finish it.

Mmm.

(IN SPANISH)

BIANCA NOVA: (IN ENGLISH) Follow me to the set.

(IN SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) Um, there's been a change.

Um... But, uh, bueno, she has a good makeup station for you.

(IN SPANISH) Oh...

(SIGHS)

♪ (OMINOUS ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

BIANCA: (IN ENGLISH) You are the devil, I am not--

Tico, will you please sit down. You're in my shot.

Now, young lady, you are a stand-in.

Oh, my god! Stop acting!

Now, who's this?

-Oh, my goodness. -I'm sorry.

BIANCA: Yes, get out of my shot!

Oh, my god.

What... what is going on here?

Anne Hathaway?

Yes. Uh, when do we wrap?

I have a Princess Diaries party to go to.

Anne Hathaway, please stop talking to the makeup artist

and get off book!

I could get off book if I had the script.

Well, who has the script?

We can't lose it, we only have one,

and don't you dare make me go to Kinko's again.

Makeup artist, when would be a good time

for you to start working on Anne Hathaway?

Excuse, Ms. Nova, but I think she's not Anne Hathaway.

BIANCA: Don't you think I know that?

This is my best friend

and mortal enemy, Jacqueline Webster.

I couldn't get Anne Hathaway to play Sara,

so I got Jacqueline to play Anne Hathaway playing Sara.

And why couldn't Jacqueline just play Sara?

Because they needed somebody famous

to do the late-night talk shows.

A star for the posters, they needed a name.

Okay.

-Well, get to work, everyone! -Yes.

ÚRSULA: (IN SPANISH)

Uh-huh.

ÚRSULA:

ANDRÉS VALDEZ:

(CLATTERING)

♪ (MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(YELPS)

ÚRSULA:

ÚRSULA:

ANDRÉS:

(LAUGHS)

ÚRSULA:

ANDRÉS:

(BUTTONS CLATTERING)

(IN ENGLISH) It's been ten minutes.

Where the hell is my car?

Don't you know who I am? I'm Anne Hathaway.

Cut! For the love of God,

the character's name is Sara.

But you want to convince people

that Hathaway's playing her, don't you?

So, that is her fumbling her line.

Think, Bianca. Think!

Then I suppose we've got it.

All right, everyone, let's take a quick 38-minute break.

-WEREWOLVES: Beep beep. -Beep beep.

SONIA: Hello.

I'm with my cousin, my Espooky-ass cousin,

and he is putting some makeup on me

like Marilyn Manson or whatever.

Anyway, see you. Ciao.

BIANCA: Listen, listen. Now, for the next take,

when I yell "action,"

can you make her teeth fall off

and fangs grow in instantly?

I told her about all the cool stuff that you do,

you know, like the exorcism and the cool sea monster.

Ah!

(IN SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) I'm sorry, the thing is that I'm afraid...

that I don't have my team here.

Please, please, please,

don't show me people that I don't know

when I am in the middle of a project.

Now I don't know who is who, and I'm so confused,

I just want to jump out the window!

No, no, no. Bianca, no. Please... the movie.

You're right. I cannot let this boy ruin my project.

(SCOFFS)

(IN SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) You have to imagine what she would do.

Sometimes, if I can't park a car,

I just close my eyes and I think,

"If this car could park itself, what would it do?"

One more thing, one more thing. Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

how would we get the car in here?

I don't think we can get a car in here.

Listen, boy, if we could get Anne Hathaway,

we could get a car in here.

SONIA: Mm-hmm. Hm, hm.

(BIANCA CHUCKLES)

(IN SPANISH)

-(POPS LIPS) -(POPS LIPS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SIGHS)

♪ (SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(CLATTERING)

♪ (SYNTHESIZER MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

-(POPCORN POPS) -(MICROWAVE DINGS)

("THE KING'S SPEECH" PLAYS IN SPANISH)

(MUSIC AND SPEECH PLAY ON LAPTOP)

WATER'S SHADOW: (IN WATER BUBBLING SOUNDS)

(KNOCKING)

-(KNOCKING CONTINUES) -(BABY ANDRÉS CRIES)

MRS. VALDEZ:

(BABY CRYING)

MR. VALDEZ:

WATER'S SHADOW:

MRS. VALDEZ:

MR. VALDEZ:

MRS. VALDEZ:

MR. VALDEZ:

♪ (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪

WATER'S SHADOW:

JUAN CARLOS:

Huh?

-(IN ENGLISH) Ms. Bianca. -(IN SPANISH) Yes?

(IN ENGLISH) Would you like to see the teeth?

-(GASPS) Yes, I would! -Ready and action!

No, no, that is not how I pictured it.

Do I have to tell you my thoughts

in order for you to know what they are?

Ms. Nova?

-What? -I have something to tell you.

Your movie, The Woman with No Eye,

-just changed my life-- -I do not have time

to be burdened with your feelings.

I am in the middle of a major project.

I have three pages to shoot in only four days.

Now please, get back to work, Reynaldo.

♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Excuse me. Actually, it's Renaldo.

No... it's Reynaldo with a "y".

My name is Renaldo.

What the hell kind of a name is that? Please.

Tico. Oh, Tico, have you come up with an ending yet?

JACQUELINE WEBSTER: So, that's your idol, huh?

I bet you didn't know she became such a monster on set.

They don't put that in the posters.

But they should.

Look, kid... I'm not Anne Hathaway.

I know.

I'm actually an old friend of Bianca's.

I worked with her back in the day.

I know her well.

Let me let you in on a little secret.

The Bianca Nova you know,

the iconic director that changed your life...

she was a group effort.

It took an army to execute her brilliance.

An army of faceless little helpers

that made it happen.

You have to ask yourself:

do you want to be a gear in the Bianca machine?

Or do you want to go off and make your own thing?

I think you should do your own thing.

I will.

♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

-What are you doing? -Ms. Nova,

my best friend is just getting married,

and I am here just living someone's else dream,

so I'm going back to do my own spooks with my friends.

-Thank you. -What?

Listen, uh, I have to quit, too, because I need to go park cars.

I'm sorry, but you can still use this to keep shooting.

So, that's how it is? Everyone is deserting Beep Beep Awoo.

That is the name of the movie.

Not me, Bianca.

You're the worst nightmare I can possibly imagine,

but goddammit, when we're good...

-we're great. -Goddamn you, Jacqueline...

Let's make some magic.

How the fuck am I gonna get these bitches outta my house?

♪ (ROMANTIC STRING MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

HOSTESS: (IN SPANISH)

ÚRSULA:

(SIGHS)

(DOOR OPENS)

(GASPS)

♪ (ROMANTIC STRING MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(CLICKS PEN REPEATEDLY)

♪ ("THREE DOTS" BY LIKE SOME CAT FROM JAPAN PLAYS) ♪

♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(VOICE FADES)

WATER'S SHADOW: (IN WATER BUBBLING SOUNDS)

(RAIN POURING)

♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

WATER'S SHADOW:

♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(CROWD GASPS)

PRIEST:

♪ (SYNTHESIZER MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

PRIEST:

♪ (STRING MUSIC RESUMES) ♪

(CHOKING UP)

(CROWD COOS)

(CROWD LAUGHS)

(CROWD CHEERS)

♪ (TRADITIONAL LATIN MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

ANDRÉS:

(SCRAPING NOISE)

♪ (OMINOUS ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

RENALDO:

(RENALDO LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

ÚRSULA:

(DOOR OPENS)

MR. VALDEZ:

MRS. VALDEZ:

MR. VALDEZ:

MRS. VALDEZ:

MRS. VALDEZ:

MR. VALDEZ:

TATI:

ANDRÉS:

ANDRÉS:

(GEARS WHIRRING)

ANDRÉS:

RENALDO:

♪ ("DEPRIMIDO" BY GARDO 33 PLAYS) ♪

RENALDO:

TATI:

(SCOFFS)

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

TATI:

(IN ENGLISH) Well, now off to India.

You won't believe the things those people will sign

for the distant hope of quick cash.

(IN SPANISH)

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

-(CAR HONKS) -(BREAKS SQUEAL)

PRODUCER:

(THUD)

♪ ("ASTRONOMO INSUMISO" BY EQUINOXIOUS PLAYS) ♪

(YAWNS)

Okay.

♪ ("CALISTO" BY HOFFEN PLAYS) ♪