All language subtitles for Holly.Hobbie.S01E04.720p.WEB.H264-AMRAP

- Thanks! That was
a cover song, obviously.

I am not a dad and my son didn't
grow up to be "just like me."

I thought about wearing
a fake mustache to make it
seem more authentic,

but I wanted to stay
true to myself.

You should never change yourself
so people will like you better.

Right?

I can't believe the pickle
festival is only one day away

and we get to be in
the Pickle Pageant this year!

- More like, you get to win it,
and I get to watch. I've
crunched the numbers,

and you're off the charts
in pretty much every category.

- I'm sure you're
off the charts, too!
- That's nice to say,

but the math agrees.
And, well, it's math.

Winners are blonde-ish
about 75% of the time.
They're usually over 5 foot 3--

- Well, I'm only 5' 2 and half.
- And having relatives who've
won the pageant before

increases your chances by 50%.
And your Grandma, dad,
and Robbie

have all won before.
- Isn't it just a beauty
contest?

- The Pickle Prince and Princess
Pageant is not a beauty contest.

It's about finding the best and
brightest young people in town.

- Plus, you get
a $1,500 scholarship

and a real tiara!

- I've been dreaming about
becoming Pickle Princess
since I was 3!

- Then why don't you sing
Collinsville the Beautiful
for your talent?

- Ah yes, our town song,
"loosely inspired" by
America the Beautiful.

- Seven out of the last ten
winners have done something
that honors the town.

- I'm gonna sing something
I wrote. The Pickle Princess
is supposed to embody

"integrity and authenticity."
What's more authentic than
an original composition?

- Ooh, look. It's Tammy Talbot.
One of the judges, and DJ for--

- (both): ♪♪ Q88.9 ♪♪
- You gals coming out

for the pageant?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Y'all get cuter every year.

May the best 13-year-old win!

(giggling)

- What's Tyler doing?

I didn't peg him as
the community helper type.

- I heard that was his
punishment for destroying
the giant cucumber.

- He has to hang up
all those posters?

- Peasant to the pickle
festival! The only way
his punishment

could be more fitting
is if he had to sit over
a pickle brine dunk tank.

Is there a pickle
brine dunk tank?

This town.

- ♪♪ Maybe these lessons
are really a path ♪♪

♪♪ To being more you ♪♪

♪♪ You ♪♪

- You nervous about the pageant?
You normally nail those high
notes. Something got your goat?

- Can I tell you a secret?

Tyler didn't wreck
the big cucumber.

And I know who did, so I should
probably tell someone, right?

- Depends.

Who was it?

- Robbie.

He let the bull out

and it destroyed the cucumber.
So what do I do?

Whoa.

I thought for sure
you'd be like "tell
the truth and tell it now!"

- You could.

But it might hurt your chances
in the pageant.

Perception matters.
- Him being outed

will make me look bad.

And I don't want to throw away
my shot... So I should lie?

- No. I definitely did not say
that, especially if you're
talking to your mother.

And I'm not saying you couldn't
win if you told the truth.

It just might make it harder.
- Does growing up ever
get easier?

- No. But...

you can eat chocolate
whenever you want.

- The Pickle Pageant is
my favorite time of year.

I always make sure to bring in
lots of options for you kids

for the Pageant. Ooh! This one I
think is particularly fetching.

- If I was reincarnated
as a dress, this is
what I'd look like.

- Are you being
reincarnated in the 1860s?

What? It has
a very high neckline.

- I just want a dress
that speaks to my soul.
- Then go for it.

You've got this competition
in the bag, unless you think

Savannah is gonna blow the
judges away with her bird calls.

- She does a mean cardinal.
- Your friend here is right.

I've got $50 on you
taking the top prize.

- Whoa!

Piper, you look incredible!

Some fancy event to attend?
- Yup. The Pickle Pageant!

- You entered?
- I mean, you guys
spoke so highly of it,

how could I say no? And 1,500
bucks would be nice, too.

May the best woman win!
- Hey, Dodge? Is it too late

to change my wager? Cool.
What are the odds on that
Piper Parish girl?

- ♪♪♪♪ You and me run
to a different beat ♪♪

♪♪ We are brave, lead the way,
lead the way ♪♪

♪♪ Be the you inside and watch
the world take flight ♪♪

♪♪ We are brave, lead the way,
lead the way ♪♪

♪♪ Be the change ♪♪

♪♪ Be the change ♪♪

♪♪ Gotta be the change ♪♪♪♪

- I can't believe you got
another home run today.

You killed it.

- I'm gonna carry that streak
on to the Pickle Festival

Soap Box Derby.
- Don't bet on it.

- It's alright,

but me and my dad are gonna
build something even faster.

- You and your dad
always do joke cars.

- Well, this time the joke's
on you. We're gonna win so bad

we'll end up on the front page
of the Collinsville Angle.

- Isn't that usually reserved
for the winner of the pageant?

- Not this year. Just you wait.
- Hey, Levi. Your mom's here.

- Bye.

Dad, I've got some killer ideas
for our derby car.

- Great! Me too, pal!
And since you've been so busy

with baseball lately, I decided
to get a head start. Let me

present to you--

The Picklemobile!

Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh!

- You already built it?

- Uh, am I hearing you wrong?
I expect you to say:
"You already built it!"

- But Levi's looks like
something out of The Fast
and the Furious 12.

- But ours is a pickle!
At least it will be

after we throw
a coat of paint on it.

- A pickle that isn't
going to win.

- Hm...

- Mom, the Pageant kick-off
party starts in half an hour!

I need to borrow some makeup!

- Uh, remover?

- What? No! It's for the
pageant. I'm not done yet.

- Uh, yes. Yes,
you definitely are.

- You don't understand.

Piper entered.
I can't lose to her.

She's doing it for all
the wrong reasons.
- Like?

- Money! She was making fun of
the pageant until she found out
about the prize.

- Uh-huh. And what
are your reasons?

- I've wanted to be the face
of Collinsville for forever!

- So it's fame and glory.

I see. Is that any better?

Hey,

why don't you tell me
what's really going on?

- Amy thinks Piper is so cool

and so, like, sophisticated,

so if she wins
it will only prove it.

- Oh, honey, you are
so wonderful

just the way you are.

You just gotta
be yourself.

- Can't I be myself in a
slightly different package?

(laughing)
- Fine. A little
lip gloss and mascara.

- And maybe I could borrow
a pair of your heels?
- It's your funeral.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

- Don't say anything.

These shoes look sophisticated.
- But could you run away
from a murderer in them?

Ooh, are those mini
grilled cheeses?

- What do you kids think
about the giant cucumber
being destroyed?

Poor Farmer Dodge. All set
to break the world record

before that Tyler
Flaherty came and--

- I think he got off too easy.
Shouldn't his punishment involve
being pelted with pickles?

(laughing)

I'm glad you're an easy crowd.
I'm doing comedy for my talent.
- You mean stand-up?

I love that Ellen Degeneres.
- I consider myself more
of a humorist.

I blend wry observations
with personal stories told
in a confessional style.

- Huh! How interesting!

- Wonder where
she got that from?
(cackling)

- What do you think,
Miss Hobbie? Should Tyler
be run out of town?

- Um, I don't know.

I feel like he's already
been punished a lot.

After all, it was
just a cucumber.
- That's cute.

You don't want to speak ill
of your ex. They dated.

- I don't know where you get
your information from,

but I would never date
a juvenile delinquent
like Tyler Flaherty.

I think a pickle pelting
would be too good for him.

- Jerk... chicken?

- Huh. Smells more
like barbecue.

- Crap. I missed the kabobs.

- Yo, if you're not eating those
delicious little guys, something
serious must be going on.

- I don't know how to tell Dad
that I can't ride
in his derby car.

- Can't? Why?
- It's embarrassing.

- I get it. Dad can be
a bit goofy. But you
should do it anyway.

It's probably his last year
in the derby! Honestly, it's
probably his last year

with a kid who listens to him at
all, since you're all grown.
- I am not!

- You will be soon.
Why not just stay quiet

and give him one more year of
daddy-daughter derby bliss? I
mean, the car can't be that bad.

(laughing)
It's a poo!

It's a poo!
- I told you!

Why paint it that color?
- You know, it's actually
kinda stool.

Cool. I mean cool.

(laughing)
Yeah, it's bad.

But who cares? I bet you'll log
some pretty good times in this!

- I'm never going to beat Levi
in this monstrosity.

What's the point?

- I think the point is,
if you back out now,

you'll break Dad's heart.

You can do this, Heather.

You can doo-doo this.

It's poo.

(electronic music)

- (crowd): Aw!
(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

- All right! Now,
up next is Piper Parish,

and she's performing...
What did you call it?
Well, it's gonna be funny!

(cheers and applause)

- That was amazing, Ames!

- That is such
a good name for my act.

Could have used that
5 to 7 minutes ago.

- Sorry. I was
going over lyrics.

- You're going to sing
your original?

- It's authentically me.
This pageant is all
about authenticity.

- Anyway, I'm kinda new
in town, so I thought

this would be a great chance for
us to get to know each other.

This convo will be
a bit one-sided,

but as long as I get
to talk about me that's
all that counts, right?

(laughter and applause)
I've moved around a lot

in my life, and that's
how I know everyone in
Collinsville is amazing.

- Do you really believe all
this rahrah Collinsville stuff?

- What do you mean?
- Don't you think she's
just doing it to win?

- We're all doing stuff to win.
You're singing a song,

I made a pop can levitate.
- OK, but it's not the same!
- It's smart, actually.

Doing a bit that appeals
to the judges.

I mean, who's going to vote
against Collinsville?

- You know, I've never
really found a town

that felt like home, but... I
think Collinsville might be it.
- (crowd): Aww...

(applause)

- You're next!
- Next up, Holly Hobbie!

- Break a leg, Holly!

♪♪♪♪♪♪

- ♪♪ Put on your high heels ♪♪

♪♪♪♪ O beautiful ♪♪

♪♪ For sunny skies ♪♪

♪♪ For rolling rows of green ♪♪♪♪

- I thought your sister
was gonna sing an original.

Do you think she'll
come at number one...

or number two?
- You saw it.

Is it really that bad?
- Don't worry.

I'm sure no one will remember
you hurtling down the hill
in a giant doodie.

No one will call you
Dale Earnfart Junior
all through high school.

And I definitely won't mention
that in the big speech I give
at your wedding.

- At this rate,
you won't be invited!

What am I supposed to do?

- Beats me. I'm wiped.

(cheers and applause)

If I ran the world, I'd, um...

- Always have more ladies'
rooms than men's rooms?

(laughing)
Are you nervous?

- A little.
- Aw, don't be. I mean, I know
the pageant can be intense,

but hey, you're a Hobbie.

- Yeah, but it's just a name.

- Just a name? The Hobbies

are one of this town's
founding families.

- But Piper's doing so well.

Everyone loved her jokes. And
last night, you called her
"interesting."

- Honey, when adults
use the word "interesting",

it's often a way of making
something sound like
a compliment

even though it isn't.
- What about integrity
and authenticity?

- You can authentically be
the wrong kind of girl.

- Are you saying Piper
doesn't have a chance?

- All I'm saying is... would
this town really want
to be represented

by someone who wears that dress?
Just look at her...

(chuckling)

- I'd watch out.
A delinquent like me

might throw the trash on you.
- Look, I'm sorry about
what I said.

I was trying to get a leg up on
Piper. I don't know why she gets
under my skin like that.

- Because you're jealous.
- What? No way.

- Whatever.
- OK. Maybe a little.

I know it wasn't you, Tyler.
And I know who did it.

I have proof.

- Holly! Hey.

You ready for round two?

What are you doing? You can't be
seen with him right now!
- Why not?

- During the pageant? Are you
kidding? What will people say?

- I know it was you,
Robbie Hobbie!

I know that you're the one
who let the bull out

and let it destroy the cucumber.
I know everything!

- Look, you can't
tell anyone, OK?

I never meant for the
cucumber to get destroyed.

Please?
- That doesn't explain why
you let Tyler take the fall.

- Holly, I swear,
if you tell anyone,
I will never forgive you.

(cheers and applause)

- Hey, so... I was
just wondering--

- I won't say anything. What you
and Robbie were talking about is
between you and your brother.

- Was all that stuff you said on
stage about Collinsville true?

- Yeah, this is the first place
that's felt like home.

- OK, then trade
dresses with me.

- What? But I love this dress.

- I know, but you won't
win if you wear it.

Look, I know it's not right,
but that's what Tammy Talbot
told me.

- I thought I was doing so well.
- Me too, Piper.
- And I really wanted this.

My mom would've been so happy
to have that money.

- OK, then switch
dresses with me.

There's still enough time!
- No!

Why should I have
to change myself just
for some stupid contest?

- Next up in the question
and answer round

is Holly Hobbie!

You will have 60 seconds to
answer this next question.
Are you ready?

- Can I let you know
in 60 seconds?
(laughter)

- OK, here it is:

If you were any kind of pickle,
what would you be and why?

- If I were a pickle,

I'd be the one you think
is a dill pickle.

Just when you're ready
for dilly goodness,

you take a bite, and BAM,

it's actually a sweet pickle.

I guess what I'm trying to say

is that people shouldn't
jump to conclusions about
pickles or people

based on their appearances.

Not about me. Not about Piper.

Not even about Tyler Flaherty.

(murmurs)
I thought this pageant

was about finding Collinsville's
very best young people,

but now I know it's not.

It's about having the right
appearance and reputation,

not about having integrity
or being authentic.

Things I haven't been
recently, by the way.

So don't vote for me.

Vote for someone
who is authentic.

(scattered applause)

- Alright, OK, let's get
this thing back on track...

- Hey. What was that all about?

- Mom...

Tyler's not the one who
destroyed the cucumber.
- What?

- It was Robbie.

- Robbie,

is that true?

- Hey! Ready to
suit up, kiddo?

- I can't do this.
- You gotta wear a helmet

or they won't let you ride.
Safety first!

- I can't drive the car!
Look at it!

Doesn't it remind you
of anything?
- A pickle.

Ohh! It's a poo!

- Dad, take this seriously!
- No, you're right. I am.

Um... you know what? Maybe
when we put the number on it,

it'll break up some of
the brownish green and...

Oh. No.

Number Two.
Come on. Come on!

- You are so EMBARRASSING!
- Wait, honey--

- Dad!

Dad!

Oh my gosh, are you OK?

- Alive.

- I'm sorry I didn't tell you
how much I hated the car.

- It's OK, pal.

I'm sorry I didn't see
the, uh, problem.

- From now on, let's just be
honest with each other, okay?

- Deal.

Can you be honest
with me right now?

Do I look
a little flushed?

(laughing)

- The judges were right,
it looks better on you.

- It was amazing to win,

but it totally skews
my data set. Like,

I don't know what
to believe anymore.
(laughing)

- You know, I thought
you'd make a pretty good
Pickle Princess, too.

- Thanks for
standing up for me.

- Holly Hobbie, if we weren't
in public right now--

- You would do what, Robbie?
Commend her for her honesty?

I think that you'd better
go wait in the car.

And what do you think
you're doing, young lady?
- But I told the truth!

- After days of lying. Let's go.

- Turns out, when
you stay true to yourself,

the universe rewards you.
And when you don't,

the universe grounds you.
Or at least your mom does.

(laughing)

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