Original subtitles

- Thanks! That was a cover song, obviously.

I am not a dad and my son didn't grow up to be "just like me."

I thought about wearing a fake mustache to make it seem more authentic,

but I wanted to stay true to myself.

You should never change yourself so people will like you better.

Right?

I can't believe the pickle festival is only one day away

and we get to be in the Pickle Pageant this year!

- More like, you get to win it, and I get to watch. I've crunched the numbers,

and you're off the charts in pretty much every category.

- I'm sure you're off the charts, too! - That's nice to say,

but the math agrees. And, well, it's math.

Winners are blonde-ish about 75% of the time. They're usually over 5 foot 3--

- Well, I'm only 5' 2 and half. - And having relatives who've won the pageant before

increases your chances by 50%. And your Grandma, dad, and Robbie

have all won before. - Isn't it just a beauty contest?

- The Pickle Prince and Princess Pageant is not a beauty contest.

It's about finding the best and brightest young people in town.

- Plus, you get a $1,500 scholarship

and a real tiara!

- I've been dreaming about becoming Pickle Princess since I was 3!

- Then why don't you sing Collinsville the Beautiful for your talent?

- Ah yes, our town song, "loosely inspired" by America the Beautiful.

- Seven out of the last ten winners have done something that honors the town.

- I'm gonna sing something I wrote. The Pickle Princess is supposed to embody

"integrity and authenticity." What's more authentic than an original composition?

- Ooh, look. It's Tammy Talbot. One of the judges, and DJ for--

- (both): ♪♪ Q88.9 ♪♪ - You gals coming out

for the pageant? - Yes, ma'am. - Y'all get cuter every year.

May the best 13-year-old win!

(giggling)

- What's Tyler doing?

I didn't peg him as the community helper type.

- I heard that was his punishment for destroying the giant cucumber.

- He has to hang up all those posters?

- Peasant to the pickle festival! The only way his punishment

could be more fitting is if he had to sit over a pickle brine dunk tank.

Is there a pickle brine dunk tank?

This town.

- ♪♪ Maybe these lessons are really a path ♪♪

♪♪ To being more you ♪♪

♪♪ You ♪♪

- You nervous about the pageant? You normally nail those high notes. Something got your goat?

- Can I tell you a secret?

Tyler didn't wreck the big cucumber.

And I know who did, so I should probably tell someone, right?

- Depends.

Who was it?

- Robbie.

He let the bull out

and it destroyed the cucumber. So what do I do?

Whoa.

I thought for sure you'd be like "tell the truth and tell it now!"

- You could.

But it might hurt your chances in the pageant.

Perception matters. - Him being outed

will make me look bad.

And I don't want to throw away my shot... So I should lie?

- No. I definitely did not say that, especially if you're talking to your mother.

And I'm not saying you couldn't win if you told the truth.

It just might make it harder. - Does growing up ever get easier?

- No. But...

you can eat chocolate whenever you want.

- The Pickle Pageant is my favorite time of year.

I always make sure to bring in lots of options for you kids

for the Pageant. Ooh! This one I think is particularly fetching.

- If I was reincarnated as a dress, this is what I'd look like.

- Are you being reincarnated in the 1860s?

What? It has a very high neckline.

- I just want a dress that speaks to my soul. - Then go for it.

You've got this competition in the bag, unless you think

Savannah is gonna blow the judges away with her bird calls.

- She does a mean cardinal. - Your friend here is right.

I've got $50 on you taking the top prize.

- Whoa!

Piper, you look incredible!

Some fancy event to attend? - Yup. The Pickle Pageant!

- You entered? - I mean, you guys spoke so highly of it,

how could I say no? And 1,500 bucks would be nice, too.

May the best woman win! - Hey, Dodge? Is it too late

to change my wager? Cool. What are the odds on that Piper Parish girl?

- ♪♪♪♪ You and me run to a different beat ♪♪

♪♪ We are brave, lead the way, lead the way ♪♪

♪♪ Be the you inside and watch the world take flight ♪♪

♪♪ We are brave, lead the way, lead the way ♪♪

♪♪ Be the change ♪♪

♪♪ Be the change ♪♪

♪♪ Gotta be the change ♪♪♪♪

- I can't believe you got another home run today.

You killed it.

- I'm gonna carry that streak on to the Pickle Festival

Soap Box Derby. - Don't bet on it.

- It's alright,

but me and my dad are gonna build something even faster.

- You and your dad always do joke cars.

- Well, this time the joke's on you. We're gonna win so bad

we'll end up on the front page of the Collinsville Angle.

- Isn't that usually reserved for the winner of the pageant?

- Not this year. Just you wait. - Hey, Levi. Your mom's here.

- Bye.

Dad, I've got some killer ideas for our derby car.

- Great! Me too, pal! And since you've been so busy

with baseball lately, I decided to get a head start. Let me

present to you--

The Picklemobile!

Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh!

- You already built it?

- Uh, am I hearing you wrong? I expect you to say: "You already built it!"

- But Levi's looks like something out of The Fast and the Furious 12.

- But ours is a pickle! At least it will be

after we throw a coat of paint on it.

- A pickle that isn't going to win.

- Hm...

- Mom, the Pageant kick-off party starts in half an hour!

I need to borrow some makeup!

- Uh, remover?

- What? No! It's for the pageant. I'm not done yet.

- Uh, yes. Yes, you definitely are.

- You don't understand.

Piper entered. I can't lose to her.

She's doing it for all the wrong reasons. - Like?

- Money! She was making fun of the pageant until she found out about the prize.

- Uh-huh. And what are your reasons?

- I've wanted to be the face of Collinsville for forever!

- So it's fame and glory.

I see. Is that any better?

Hey,

why don't you tell me what's really going on?

- Amy thinks Piper is so cool

and so, like, sophisticated,

so if she wins it will only prove it.

- Oh, honey, you are so wonderful

just the way you are.

You just gotta be yourself.

- Can't I be myself in a slightly different package?

(laughing) - Fine. A little lip gloss and mascara.

- And maybe I could borrow a pair of your heels? - It's your funeral.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

- Don't say anything.

These shoes look sophisticated. - But could you run away from a murderer in them?

Ooh, are those mini grilled cheeses?

- What do you kids think about the giant cucumber being destroyed?

Poor Farmer Dodge. All set to break the world record

before that Tyler Flaherty came and--

- I think he got off too easy. Shouldn't his punishment involve being pelted with pickles?

(laughing)

I'm glad you're an easy crowd. I'm doing comedy for my talent. - You mean stand-up?

I love that Ellen Degeneres. - I consider myself more of a humorist.

I blend wry observations with personal stories told in a confessional style.

- Huh! How interesting!

- Wonder where she got that from? (cackling)

- What do you think, Miss Hobbie? Should Tyler be run out of town?

- Um, I don't know.

I feel like he's already been punished a lot.

After all, it was just a cucumber. - That's cute.

You don't want to speak ill of your ex. They dated.

- I don't know where you get your information from,

but I would never date a juvenile delinquent like Tyler Flaherty.

I think a pickle pelting would be too good for him.

- Jerk... chicken?

- Huh. Smells more like barbecue.

- Crap. I missed the kabobs.

- Yo, if you're not eating those delicious little guys, something serious must be going on.

- I don't know how to tell Dad that I can't ride in his derby car.

- Can't? Why? - It's embarrassing.

- I get it. Dad can be a bit goofy. But you should do it anyway.

It's probably his last year in the derby! Honestly, it's probably his last year

with a kid who listens to him at all, since you're all grown. - I am not!

- You will be soon. Why not just stay quiet

and give him one more year of daddy-daughter derby bliss? I mean, the car can't be that bad.

(laughing) It's a poo!

It's a poo! - I told you!

Why paint it that color? - You know, it's actually kinda stool.

Cool. I mean cool.

(laughing) Yeah, it's bad.

But who cares? I bet you'll log some pretty good times in this!

- I'm never going to beat Levi in this monstrosity.

What's the point?

- I think the point is, if you back out now,

you'll break Dad's heart.

You can do this, Heather.

You can doo-doo this.

It's poo.

(electronic music)

- (crowd): Aw! (laughter)

(cheers and applause)

- All right! Now, up next is Piper Parish,

and she's performing... What did you call it? Well, it's gonna be funny!

(cheers and applause)

- That was amazing, Ames!

- That is such a good name for my act.

Could have used that 5 to 7 minutes ago.

- Sorry. I was going over lyrics.

- You're going to sing your original?

- It's authentically me. This pageant is all about authenticity.

- Anyway, I'm kinda new in town, so I thought

this would be a great chance for us to get to know each other.

This convo will be a bit one-sided,

but as long as I get to talk about me that's all that counts, right?

(laughter and applause) I've moved around a lot

in my life, and that's how I know everyone in Collinsville is amazing.

- Do you really believe all this rahrah Collinsville stuff?

- What do you mean? - Don't you think she's just doing it to win?

- We're all doing stuff to win. You're singing a song,

I made a pop can levitate. - OK, but it's not the same! - It's smart, actually.

Doing a bit that appeals to the judges.

I mean, who's going to vote against Collinsville?

- You know, I've never really found a town

that felt like home, but... I think Collinsville might be it. - (crowd): Aww...

(applause)

- You're next! - Next up, Holly Hobbie!

- Break a leg, Holly!

♪♪♪♪♪♪

- ♪♪ Put on your high heels ♪♪

♪♪♪♪ O beautiful ♪♪

♪♪ For sunny skies ♪♪

♪♪ For rolling rows of green ♪♪♪♪

- I thought your sister was gonna sing an original.

Do you think she'll come at number one...

or number two? - You saw it.

Is it really that bad? - Don't worry.

I'm sure no one will remember you hurtling down the hill in a giant doodie.

No one will call you Dale Earnfart Junior all through high school.

And I definitely won't mention that in the big speech I give at your wedding.

- At this rate, you won't be invited!

What am I supposed to do?

- Beats me. I'm wiped.

(cheers and applause)

If I ran the world, I'd, um...

- Always have more ladies' rooms than men's rooms?

(laughing) Are you nervous?

- A little. - Aw, don't be. I mean, I know the pageant can be intense,

but hey, you're a Hobbie.

- Yeah, but it's just a name.

- Just a name? The Hobbies

are one of this town's founding families.

- But Piper's doing so well.

Everyone loved her jokes. And last night, you called her "interesting."

- Honey, when adults use the word "interesting",

it's often a way of making something sound like a compliment

even though it isn't. - What about integrity and authenticity?

- You can authentically be the wrong kind of girl.

- Are you saying Piper doesn't have a chance?

- All I'm saying is... would this town really want to be represented

by someone who wears that dress? Just look at her...

(chuckling)

- I'd watch out. A delinquent like me

might throw the trash on you. - Look, I'm sorry about what I said.

I was trying to get a leg up on Piper. I don't know why she gets under my skin like that.

- Because you're jealous. - What? No way.

- Whatever. - OK. Maybe a little.

I know it wasn't you, Tyler. And I know who did it.

I have proof.

- Holly! Hey.

You ready for round two?

What are you doing? You can't be seen with him right now! - Why not?

- During the pageant? Are you kidding? What will people say?

- I know it was you, Robbie Hobbie!

I know that you're the one who let the bull out

and let it destroy the cucumber. I know everything!

- Look, you can't tell anyone, OK?

I never meant for the cucumber to get destroyed.

Please? - That doesn't explain why you let Tyler take the fall.

- Holly, I swear, if you tell anyone, I will never forgive you.

(cheers and applause)

- Hey, so... I was just wondering--

- I won't say anything. What you and Robbie were talking about is between you and your brother.

- Was all that stuff you said on stage about Collinsville true?

- Yeah, this is the first place that's felt like home.

- OK, then trade dresses with me.

- What? But I love this dress.

- I know, but you won't win if you wear it.

Look, I know it's not right, but that's what Tammy Talbot told me.

- I thought I was doing so well. - Me too, Piper. - And I really wanted this.

My mom would've been so happy to have that money.

- OK, then switch dresses with me.

There's still enough time! - No!

Why should I have to change myself just for some stupid contest?

- Next up in the question and answer round

is Holly Hobbie!

You will have 60 seconds to answer this next question. Are you ready?

- Can I let you know in 60 seconds? (laughter)

- OK, here it is:

If you were any kind of pickle, what would you be and why?

- If I were a pickle,

I'd be the one you think is a dill pickle.

Just when you're ready for dilly goodness,

you take a bite, and BAM,

it's actually a sweet pickle.

I guess what I'm trying to say

is that people shouldn't jump to conclusions about pickles or people

based on their appearances.

Not about me. Not about Piper.

Not even about Tyler Flaherty.

(murmurs) I thought this pageant

was about finding Collinsville's very best young people,

but now I know it's not.

It's about having the right appearance and reputation,

not about having integrity or being authentic.

Things I haven't been recently, by the way.

So don't vote for me.

Vote for someone who is authentic.

(scattered applause)

- Alright, OK, let's get this thing back on track...

- Hey. What was that all about?

- Mom...

Tyler's not the one who destroyed the cucumber. - What?

- It was Robbie.

- Robbie,

is that true?

- Hey! Ready to suit up, kiddo?

- I can't do this. - You gotta wear a helmet

or they won't let you ride. Safety first!

- I can't drive the car! Look at it!

Doesn't it remind you of anything? - A pickle.

Ohh! It's a poo!

- Dad, take this seriously! - No, you're right. I am.

Um... you know what? Maybe when we put the number on it,

it'll break up some of the brownish green and...

Oh. No.

Number Two. Come on. Come on!

- You are so EMBARRASSING! - Wait, honey--

- Dad!

Dad!

Oh my gosh, are you OK?

- Alive.

- I'm sorry I didn't tell you how much I hated the car.

- It's OK, pal.

I'm sorry I didn't see the, uh, problem.

- From now on, let's just be honest with each other, okay?

- Deal.

Can you be honest with me right now?

Do I look a little flushed?

(laughing)

- The judges were right, it looks better on you.

- It was amazing to win,

but it totally skews my data set. Like,

I don't know what to believe anymore. (laughing)

- You know, I thought you'd make a pretty good Pickle Princess, too.

- Thanks for standing up for me.

- Holly Hobbie, if we weren't in public right now--

- You would do what, Robbie? Commend her for her honesty?

I think that you'd better go wait in the car.

And what do you think you're doing, young lady? - But I told the truth!

- After days of lying. Let's go.

- Turns out, when you stay true to yourself,

the universe rewards you. And when you don't,

the universe grounds you. Or at least your mom does.

(laughing)

Closed Captioning by SETTE inc.