Original subtitles

(rock music)

- Turn ons?

Oh Christ.

Where do I start?

Yeah The Replacements.

The Clash, Hüsker Du, Wilco,

Archers of Love, Crooked Fingers,

Pattie Smith, PJ, Cat Power, Bright Eyes.

Connor is like a fucking god.

Neutral Milk Hotel.

- [Richard] I meant sexual turn ons.

- I know.

- What turns me on?

(laughs)

Better question would be who.

I don't know.

(rock music)

- This is going well.

- [Alison] Maybe the problem is we screw first,

and then get to know one another.

- Yeah I've never had a problem with that.

- No I'm being serious.

- So am I.

Alison you ever think that maybe the problem is

that none of knows what we're looking for?

- No.

- Or that we're not meant for monogamy?

Sex is sex.

Love is love,

and the two should never be uttered in the same breath.

You have sexual partners and you have friends,

but the two just don't mix.

- But what about finding somebody that can be both things,

all things, everything.

- Oh don't say that.

- Oh a soul mate.

- See I just threw up a little in my mouth.

- I'm being serious.

- So am I.

- Okay.

Definitely great smile,

red gerbera daisies, kisses,

necks rubs, light touches on the small of my back,

playing footsie,

sticking my finger up a guys ass

when I'm giving head.

- What really turns me on?

- [Chloe] What did I miss?

- We were just talking about sex.

- Oh god that's all you talk about

since you started seeing that therapist.

- Richard says talking about it

is as close as I can get to it right now.

- As close as you're willing to get to it.

- Well I can't just go out and diddle anybody.

- Right.

I heard you the first time.

Friends first.

- Wait what's this?

- Okay if we got to know one another before the sex,

got to be friends,

I don't know though.

But what are the chances that we would ever get laid?

I mean it's been almost a year for me.

- A year?

- Yeah I'd get laid.

- Jeff?

- What?

- Jeff.

- God I haven't had my coffee.

What do you want?

- I ever tell you why girls wear little hoodies

and sweaters and jackets tied around their waist?

- Thankfully, no.

- Well hear me out because this is an--

- Unwritten rule.

- I like to be licked.

Voraciously.

Only girls with perfect, heart shaped,

to die for asses do that.

You wanna know why?

- I wanna know why you waste valuable sleep time

thinking up this crap.

- It's to deny us the pleasure

of seeing those perfect, heart shaped, to die for asses.

It's part of the game my friend.

The big tease.

Oh I have one.

Not only will you never touch it,

I won't even let you see it.

- And this applies to every girl

that's ever worn a piece of clothing around their waist?

- Every last one.

- No exceptions?

- None that I've ever found.

Here do you want me to prove it to you?

- No I don't.

- Excuse me miss.

I want to prove something to my naive friend here.

- Lesbians.

Lesbians.

- Would I be correct in assuming

that underneath that hoodie,

hidden from view for no one to see

is the most perfectly heart shaped ass of all time?

- Don't look at me like that.

- Another rule.

When they don't answer,

it automatically means yes.

- Oh it does really? - Yeah actually.

- Okay. - Actually.

- The usual?

- Dude if I was working here

I'd be with a different shit every night.

- You know, believe it or not Brad,

girls aren't all that impressed

by guys who pour coffee for a living.

- You gonna be a doctor for Christ's sake.

- Going to be means not one yet.

- One who's spending the summer in France.

- The Institut National de Recherche Biomédicale.

- Touch it, touch it.

- Still a question mark.

- What you are going aren't you?

- I haven't been accepted yet man.

- Oh daddy make some calls.

Daddy pull some strings.

- [Father] Have you heard from the institute yet?

- Nope not yet dad.

- [Father] I'm sure you're gonna make it kiddo.

- What daddy wants,

daddy gets.

- That's all your father's been talking about honey.

Chloe how are you spending the summer?

- Check please.

- [Mother] Owen mentioned you might be doing

a research position at Harvard?

- I haven't heard anything yet.

- Well if nothing pans out,

you can always come work for me.

Your father would like that.

He's still not over you turning down

that internship last semester.

- [Mother] Or you know sweetie,

you could spend the summer in France with Owen.

It's a beautiful romantic country,

and I'm sure he'd love the company.

- Have you heard from Tatiana?

- Dude drop it.

- Oh come on.

- Pretty girl.

Too bad you let that one slip away.

- Can we forget about Tatiana already please?

- I will never forget about Tatiana.

A rose by ant other name.

- And she never wore a hoodie tied around her waist.

- Her gift to the world.

- It wasn't working.

You guys know we were fighting all the time.

- Oh we know over,

what was?

- Chloe.

- Yeah.

- Over me going to France this summer.

- Bullshit.

She got pissed 'cause you and Chloe

were always hanging out together.

And she said choose,

and you did.

I'm proud of you bro.

Give up sex with the most beautiful woman on the planet

in favor of friendship.

- Who says I don't have both?

- Have? - Have?

- What do you want to be when you grow up?

- A rock and roll star.

You?

- That's easy.

Your groupie.

- Oh.

(upbeat music)

* Oh no

* Not this time to

* I'm the only

* One you to got to use

* And if I tell you

* All this could be

* Nothing more than

* A way to leave you

* Would you want me

* And now you're sorry

* For the things you

* Did to me

* I want you to know

* I feel I was the one who

* Got used and used to

* Just about anything

* You would tell me

* But those days are more than over now

- Guys I don't know.

Is it worth risking a good friend for a little sex?

- How about a lot of sex?

- What's to say anythings changes?

- What if it were just another aspect to the relationship

with no emotions--

- No, no.

If that were possible,

I would have slept with all three of these guys by now.

- Really.

- Emotions are always involved.

- [Shirley] What? - Yes.

- [Shirley] What happened to this grand theory of yours?

- I was wrong.

Sex changes everything.

It has too.

- Oh, Richard. - Richard.

- Who's Richard?

- Her therapist.

- The esteemed Dr. Richard Weed.

- Quite it'd seem.

He wrote the best selling self help book

Straightening out the Kinks.

- Ever read it?

- God no.

- Oh it was brilliant.

- Wait a sec,

Richard Weed?

Your therapists name is Dick Weed?

- [Allison] Uh-huh.

- And Dick Weed is right.

Sex puts the friendship at risk.

- Are you speaking from experience?

- Maybe.

- Oh you just can't deny that sleeping with someone

who knows you design pornographic websites for a living,

and that you spend half your work day

jerking off to girls working the webcam

at the other side of the room.

- Actually Brad,

you were the only one who knew that.

- Not anymore.

- Do you masturbate often?

- Eight to 10 times a day.

Is that a lot?

- You are whipped.

And you,

you wouldn't need therapy if you just followed my rules.

(old timey music)

Friends don't fuck.

- Ah yes.

- Sorry.

My vote still goes to you don't lend money to friends.

- I'm with you.

- [Jeff] Oh you should never lend money to friends.

- Alison lends me money all the time.

- [Alison] Yeah and you never pay me back.

- [Brad] See.

- That is different.

I can face you in the morning

if I've lent you 20 bucks

and you haven't paid me back.

- Then lend me 20 bucks so I can see.

- Absolutely not.

But would we really be sitting here

having this conversation--

- If he white washed your tonsils?

- You never cease to amaze me.

- Gross. - Thank you.

- Oh my god.

Enough guys, you win.

- Dick Weed wins. - Dick Weed wins.

- Shot that argument to hell. (cheers)

- No, no nobody wins.

There are no rules when it comes to fucking.

That is what keeps it interesting.

- Classic spinner philosophy.

- What's a spinner?

- I'll explain later.

Oh speaking of fucking,

how are things between you and the queefer?

- Don't.

- Have you rescued any strays lately?

- What's this?

- [Shirley] Brad didn't tell you?

Tuesday Polly pussy farts in her sleep.

- I told you that in confidence remember?

- Oh right, I'm sorry I forgot.

Speak of the fish whisperer.

- What are we talking about?

- Fucking.

- [Brad] We're talking about how friends should not fuck.

- Alison has this theory--

- Dick weed had this theory.

- That is puts the friendship at risk.

- Well aren't we friends?

- I mean people who are friends first.

- [Shirley] Like well Chloe and Own for example.

- I'll take that as my cue.

(rock music)

* Under a sea

* Came up for air

* Opened my eyes

* And heard release her

* Release her

* I had the blur of charcoal whites

* The needle filled

* She says release her

* Release her

* And I went home that day

* She left by nightfall

* But letting go was all I had to do

- Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

- What?

- I mean maybe Brad has a point.

(farts repeatedly)

- That was really nice.

- Whatever.

- Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

- What?

- I mean.

Maybe Brad has a point.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Can I get one of those?

Thanks.

Here's to drinking on the job.

- To jobs you can drink on.

- Here, here.

So I got this private session comin up.

This regular,

he's always wanting to see more.

So I was thinking,

you want to join us?

- On camera?

- No one has to see your face.

- I don't know.

- Sure you do.

- Perfect.

Just perfect.

(farts)

- Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

(record scratches) - What?

- I mean.

Maybe Brad has a point.

- [Shirley] It's like the whole Tatiana thing.

You know that was just physical.

They were never friends.

- God here we go again.

- Swear you are more obsessed with her

than Brad and Jeff combined.

- Well she was in the swimsuit issue.

- Um correction.

She was in a condom add in the swimsuit issue.

Huge difference.

- Can you imagine being the next girl

to have to be with him?

- Owen?

- Who else?

- How do you mean?

- I mean for him,

it must be like trading in the Porsche

for a broken down Ford.

- Are you saying that compared to Tatiana,

we all screw like broken down Fords?

God she wonders why we hate her.

- No I'm saying compared to Tatiana,

most women screw like broken down Fords.

Me I'm more like a Hummer.

An all terrain vehicle and SUV.

- What a steadily used vagina?

- Time out.

You had this conversation

while you were cleaning someone's teeth?

- No but it's funnier that way.

- Take Terra.

A little coffee shop muffin.

I mean the ass on that girl.

How come you never asked her out?

- She's 16.

- [Brad] Oh Christ that's not fair.

- You know girls like Terra

are the reason for my addiction to masturbation.

- You should tell her that when we get coffee later.

- Please don't.

- It's the only truly safe form of sex.

- I think it's overrated.

- [Jeff] That's because you're not doing it right.

- How do you do it wrong?

- [Jeff] Right hand or left hand?

- Right. - Right.

- Right.

There in lies the problem.

- I'm right handed.

- Exactly you do everything with that hand.

- It's a talented hand.

- It's overworked.

You need to cultivate your left hand.

Train it.

Dedicate it to the act.

So how's Einstein?

- Dead.

- Dead?

- As dead as the genius he's named after.

- I don't know what's more disturbing.

You having a pet shrimp

or the fact that you brought it to the vet.

- So I had a session with Richard this morning.

- [Chloe] Dick Weed, Dick Weed, Dick Weed.

- Fuck Dick Weed.

- Where's this coming from?

- [Shirley] No really,

you should fuck him.

You could use the release.

- Talk about therapy.

- Come on.

- Is he cute?

- I'm not answering that.

- [Shirley] He's cute.

So you stare into his blue eyes?

- They're brown.

- Thank you.

Twice a week.

- Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

- And you tell him all your darkest secrets.

- You are evil.

God I hope they revoke your spinners license.

- Gets me off just thinking about it.

- Is there anything that doesn't get you off?

- That's besides the point.

- [Alison] Look I am not-- - Thank you.

- [Alison] Interested in my therapist.

- A 35 year old who specializes

in deviant sexual behavior?

- Oh think of what he could teach you.

Besides I am tired of being

the only one of us getting laid.

- I'm getting laid.

- What?

Sure you are. (laughs)

- No.

No really.

- [Alison] Mr. Buzzy does not count.

- Mr. Buzzy?

You call your vibrator Mr. Buzzy.

No wonder you're in therapy.

- No, no, no.

I called Chloe's vibrator Mr. Buzzy.

- [Chloe] I told you that in confidence.

- I'm sorry.

- Oh so then,

what do you call yours?

Old faithful.

- [Chloe] Why don't you believe me?

- Because we would know.

- Oh you couldn't keep that from us.

We'd kill you. - Mhm.

- But I am.

On a regular basis.

- So who is it then?

Do we know him?

(repeated ticks)

(guitar strums)

- Ow, ow, ow, ow.

- Music and pain go hand in hand.

- So how's the lesson going?

- Well (guitar strums badly).

Still completely inept.

- He's brilliant and you should hear him sing.

- Come on dude.

We're gonna miss the movie.

- [Man In White Shirt] Right so we're just going--

- Gonna go now okay.

There you go.

Play nice.

- Anyway back to this.

So you gotta push down here really hard.

Middle finger right there.

(Owen sighs)

Get that sound.

What?

What?

You were right there?

You had it.

Owen.

(guitar strums)

Dude it's barely noon.

(Owen gulps)

Okay.

Well I guess the lesson's over then.

- (sighs) Look I--

- Something on your mind?

- No well,

yeah.

No you know what no.

Nevermind. - What?

- I'm just gonna go. - No don't go.

Don't go. - I'm gonna go.

- [Chloe] I don't feel like studying.

- Me neither.

- [Chloe] And it's no fun to drink alone.

Come on, stay.

Have another beer.

Owen.

(guitar strums softly)

- You don't have a boyfriend.

- [Chloe] Right.

- And I don't have a girlfriend.

- [Chloe] Anymore. - Right.

- [Chloe] Are you gonna tell me something I don't know?

- Spring time.

You know that's...

You're horny right?

- Yeah I guess.

Yeah I'm horny.

- Because I know I am,

but we don't have time.

Between school and work,

your band.

- Who has time for a sex life?

- No time.

I mean I might be in France this summer.

- No what girl would want you?

- Exactly.

No. (laughs)

That's not what I mean.

- [Chloe] I have no idea what you mean.

- All of that doesn't eliminate the desire,

but one night stands--

- Leave you feeling worse.

Where are you going with this Owen?

- Let's sleep together?

It could be perfect.

- [Chloe] Perfect?

- Guilt free sex?

- Right.

- I mean we've known each other forever.

- Longer.

- Why not help one another relieve a little of the...

- Tension? - Yeah.

Tension.

Think about it.

We know everything about one another.

I mean I probably know what you like and don't like in bed

than all of your ex boyfriends combined.

- [Chloe] Well that's because I've always

complained to you about them.

- Right and you know more about what I like.

- [Chloe] And that's because--

- Because we know each other so well.

- Too well.

- No such thing.

Think about it.

There'd be no risk of romance.

No fear of commitment.

Just good hot sex between friends.

There when you want it.

There when you need it.

- You sound like a commercial.

- Okay.

Okay don't mind me.

I'm,

I'm just gonna exit gracefully now.

Please forget I said anything.

- Okay.

- [Owen] See you later.

- No.

I said okay.

- You mean like okay, okay?

- Yes.

Yeah.

- Yeah?

- Why not?

- You mean...

- I mean...

Let's do it.

You in?

- Well.

Yeah.

I guess.

(slow upbeat music)

(long guitar chord)

(heavy breathing)

- Whoa.

- That rocked.

(laughs) (both groans)

- Oh god. - Oh man.

- [Alison] Tell us you're kidding.

- [Shirley] She's not kidding.

She is so not kidding.

- God I should never have told you.

- Why?

It's not a big deal.

- It's a very big deal.

- But isn't that like fucking your--

- Owen is nothing like my brothers.

I don't think of him like that.

I never have.

- You gotta understand.

It felt so right.

So natural like

we were meant to be together.

- Oh come on.

You know what I mean.

It's not right.

Tell him.

- Well so much for believing in your own theory.

Being friends first before becoming romantically involved.

- So that's what this is?

A test of--

- Of the emergency fuck system?

- Oh (laughs sarcastically) cute.

- Yeah I think so.

- Owen and I are fuck buddies.

- Friends with benefits.

- Plain and simple.

It's just sex.

- Look Owen that is great in concept.

The whole friends with benefits thing,

but it doesn't work man.

- Speaking from experience,

or is this another one of the unwritten rules?

- Unfortunately Owen,

that rule is written everywhere.

(soft rock music)

- [Owen] Hey.

Just don't tell the girls okay.

I promise Chloe I wouldn't say anything you know.

- [Jeff] Hey!

Girls! - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

- [Jeff] Just goin this way.

- [Alison] We're going this way.

(laughs)

- Fuck buddies.

Can you believe it?

I need another drink.

- Me too.

- This is all my fault.

I'm the one who put the idea in their heads.

- Oh give me a break.

- [Jeff] Hey girls.

- Hey. - Hey boys.

- Hey Shirls,

do you know what the time is?

- Oh it's shot time.

- It's shot time.

- [Jeff] Yay.

Shots.

- You guys seen Owen or Chloe?

- Owen's not with you?

- [Jeff] They must be studying for the boards.

- Yeah.

- [Jeff] You know what their parents are like.

- Yeah, yep, yep.

All that pressure.

- Pressure. - Pressure.

- Yeah.

Pressure.

- Glad I'm not in their shoes.

(rock music)

(banging on door)

(rock music)

(moaning)

(Chloe laughs)

- [Chloe] Hello.

(Chloe moans)

(Owen blows a raspberry)

- [Chloe] What are you doing?

* Woke up with song in my head

* This morning

* Woke up with this song in my head

* This morning

* I was dreaming about your record collection

* And all of our

* Scratched affections

* I woke with this song in my head

* This morning

- Okay.

Last year, Greg.

He was the cutest guy with the best smile.

It was our first date and we were just talking

and drinking and

I liked the way it felt.

Really liked the way it felt.

(guitar strums)

(Alison moans)

Oh god.

For that you deserve a beer.

- Hey what about that beer?

- [Jeff] Anastomosis.

- Anastomosis is the surgical connection

between two structures.

Usually a connection that is formed between

two tubular structures,

such as blood vessels or loops of intestines.

Is that correct?

- Yep beautiful.

- Brad?

- Oh um yeah.

Tenes-- - Tenesmus.

Difficulty passing stools.

The constant feeling of the need to empty the bowel,

usually associated with inflammatory diseases

of the bowel.

- Dude this is fucking disgusting.

I can't watch Lilly touch herself

and quiz you on shit.

- Well the next chapter is on the urinary tract.

- Oh great. - Oh goody.

- That's not the point.

- Yeah can you please just tell us,

'cause I've been dying to know,

how did you get up the nerve to ask Chloe?

- That's not the point.

She's the point.

- I've been thinking about it for a while.

It's all I've been thinking about.

- Fuck it's all I think about.

- Dude I don't mean sex.

- Wait a second.

Isn't that what this is all about?

Friends with benefits.

Fuck buddies.

No strings attached.

I mean it's gotta be the best sex you've ever had right?

- I wanted to know what it would be like to kiss her.

I kissed her once I mean-- - Look at that.

- On a dare when we were 10.

- [Young Chloe] I dare you to kiss me like that.

- [Brad] And you've been waiting over a decade

to kiss her again?

- No cut to the senior prom.

* I see you dancing circles in my mind

* Is this love I found again

* Or is this love for the first time

* I see you dancing circles in my mind

* Is this love I found again

* Or is this love for the first time

* Don't

* I can see you dancing circles in my mind

* Is this love I found again

* Or is this love for the first time

* I can see you dancing circles in my mind

* Is this love I found again

- And that's when I realized

I wanted so badly for her to dare me again.

I've thought about that dance every day since.

- [Woman] That is really beautiful.

- No she's right. - Please.

- Kissing means so much more than fucking.

You can get so lost in a kiss.

- You know just because I'm an internet porn star

doesn't mean I can't see the beauty in a kis.s

- He who binds to himself with joy

does the winged life destroy.

But he who kisses the joy as it flies

lives in an eternity sunrise.

- William Blake.

- You can be so gay.

Your mouth is not for talking.

And you,

took you six years to make your move.

- We were both going to the same school.

I mean what if it didn't work out?

I'd still have to see her everyday.

- But why now?

You still see her everyday.

What's changed?

- I couldn't wait any longer.

- Penelope Switzer.

My best friend in high school.

We were both computer geeks.

Into the same music, the same games.

We had a lot in common including the fact that

we were both virgins.

- We could just sort of you know

see what it feels like.

- Yeah I guess it could be practice

for when we got to college.

- Exactly.

Come on Jeff let's do it.

- Okay when?

- Now. - Now?

It was awkward at first. (bell dings)

- [Penelope] Oh, oh.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Do you need help with that?

- [Penelope] No, no.

I think I got it this time.

- But then I don't know.

Oh the sword has been sheathed.

Everything seemed to work.

Everything.

Marley's pancakes.

Until the next day at school,

I caught her making out with Val Erdaddio.

When I asked her about it later,

she told me it was none of my business,

but she never spoke to me again.

As much as I hated losing her as a friend,

I have to admit watching them kiss

was the hottest thing I've ever seen.

So I guess that was the best sex I've never had.

Christ that's depressing.

Could I have a minute?

- [Owen] What is the molecular formula for chloral hydrate?

- Oh two part carbon, three part hydrogen,

three chlorine, two part oxygen.

- Okay. - Yes.

- And what are some of the possible side effects

when combined with alcohol consumption?

- Oh interesting.

Let's see most commonly drowsiness, confusion,

weakness, slow and irregular breathing,

nausea and vomiting.

Then you have the depression of blood pressure

and respiration.

Cardiac arrhythmia, convulsions, liver damage?

Oh and of course it can potentiate

various anticoagulants.

And is weakly mutagenic both in vitro and in vivo.

Oh I am so good,

I am so good.

What you've never slipped anyone a mickey?

Hey pass me the pipette.

- How do you remember all of this?

- Oh I don't know.

I just do.

- You know I hit the books every free moment I get

and I'm struggling to maintain a B average,

and you're like Rain Man.

It's unbelievable.

- Hey dude it ain't brain surgery.

I mean.

- Funny.

It was either that or rocket science I suppose.

- Oh you mean we could have been astronauts instead.

- Well my dad said I spend too much time

staring at the stars as is so.

- Not enough if you ask me.

Yeah my parents weren't too thrilled

with the whole research thing

until I explained to them I wanted to save millions of lives

instead of just one at a time.

Besides my dad said my bedside manner

would be a little on the nonexistent side.

- He's so wrong.

(soft music) - My glasses.

(laughs)

(soft music)

* Left out in the cold

* Broken and we're all alone

* So now I'll take my hand

- [Shirley] How long is that gonna take?

I'm starving.

- He's a wiz.

Give him 20 minutes.

- [Jeff] This should fix the problem.

- Are you sure?

Because every x-ray of every patient is on that computer.

What is that-- - Done.

- It crashed.

- No I'm done.

Problem solved.

X-rays saved.

Back them up next time.

- Just like a guy to brag.

- Hey you and Alison though right.

- Yeah but that's different.

- How?

- It just is.

- So does anything else need fixing?

- Oh god.

My carburetor.

The state of the democratic parties.

Saturday Night Live,

it hasn't been funny for years.

Gas prices, pimento cheese spread.

Consistency. - Oh.

- My mom's cat.

Chloe and Owen-- - Wait.

- Polly would think they were sick.

- Wait what? - What are you doing with her?

- I like the queefing.

It makes my whole room smell pussy fresh.

- I'm serious.

- She was this really cute girl

spending her days working in this animal shelter

for like no money,

and finding these homes for these dogs that no one wanted.

- So what happened?

- I guess that was all we had in common.

- Richard thinks that their friendship is doomed.

One of them is gonna fall in love

while the other one doesn't.

Or his expectations will be higher than hers.

- Why do you listen to this guy?

- Because he's always there to listen to me.

- That's what your friends are for.

- Breaking up's harder than staying together.

Who has time to date anyways right?

- The Chloe and Owen argument?

- I guess.

Do you think they're just horny?

- No lonely.

Having someone to hold.

Someone to talk to after the sex.

Someone to joke with, laugh with,

make breakfast with in the morning.

- You know I keep thinking that--

- Don't worry about it.

Owen and Chloe will be fine.

- No, no that's not what I was thinking.

(phone rings)

- I'll get that.

- It's your phone. (Jeff laughs)

- Right. (phone rings)

- Hi honey.

No it's just me and

TV.

Yeah.

Not too much longer.

It's getting late.

- So what then were you thinking?

- That was...

- Polly, I know.

* Misfits we may be

* Together you and me

* Rewrite history

* Together wait and see

* If nobody wants you

* If nobody needs you

* Please know that I want you

* Please know that I need you

(soft rock music) (moaning)

(growls)

* Time saved me once and then

* I kept waiting

* And I keep waiting up

* For it to come again

- Phoebe Zervudas.

Met her at this dog park I used to go to.

Great place to meet chicks.

I'd give them sob story about losing my dog.

I swear there is nothing better than sympathy head.

So we get back to my place

and she's feeling so bad about my poor little lost pooch,

she's ready to do anything to easy my pain.

Anything.

Enter Waldo.

- Hey boyfriend.

- No, her English bulldog.

She took that dog everywhere.

We're going at it, (moaning in background)

and there's no (mumbles).

Next thing I know I feel something tickling my balls.

I mean what the fuck right?

I'm thinking this girl is God's gift.

I mean she's Greek.

Greek.

And so I look back to see what she's doing,

and it's her dog on the bed with his head up my ass.

I mean up my ass.

I know if I say something,

that's the end of it.

This girl feels way too good.

So I try to you know shoo the dog away with my foot,

but that only gets the little bastard going harder.

He's tonguing my ass, licking my balls.

I'm screaming, Phoebe's speaking in tongues.

She starts sucking my nipples, clawing my back,

biting my face, tongue fucking my ear.

And I just fucking lose it.

Whoo.

I offered her 5,000 bucks for that dog that night.

(soft music)

He wasn't for sale.

- [Chloe] What are you doing this summer?

- [Owen] I don't know.

- [Chloe] You still haven't heard anything yet?

- Un un.

Why?

- 'Cause we're gonna go on tour.

We're gonna start out in Seattle

then go down to Portland, San Francisco,

L.A then head east.

We're talking to booking agents now.

- That's great.

You're gonna get so much exposure.

- I know, I know.

But I was wondering

if maybe you wanted to come with us?

- On the road.

- You can be my own personal roadie.

- I don't know.

- No, no.

I know, I know.

Le Institut National de la Sante

et de la Recherche Medicale,

but maybe you could think of this as your backup plan.

Think about it.

The five of us on the road all piled into one

itty, bitty little van.

- It does sound luxurious.

- One star all the way baby.

Seriously Owen.

I've shared everything with you

for as long as I can remember.

I don't think it would be as much fun without you.

- I...

- No I know, I know.

It's late.

I'm gonna go.

See you tomorrow?

- Of course.

(soft instrumental music)

* From that old street

* To that new house

* The most beautiful hills

* Inside your blouse

* To the rain that kept falling

* And those years off the rails

* When we smiled like two sailors

- You ever have one of those days

where you just feel gross?

Freshman year I was doing extra credit work

for this psychology professor.

- If I could grant you one wish...

- I told him all I wanted to do was take a bath.

* And the words from your lips

* What I'm trying to say is

* I was afraid that you'd leave

(water splashes)

* And I started to breathe

- [Shirley] He kept my panties.

This old pair.

White cotton with blue polka dots

then it faded into this sort of sea foam green.

I wonder what he did with them,

or if he still has them.

(soft music)

So explain this to me again.

- Okay you know those emails-- - Spam.

- Perhaps.

You get them everyday from some dethroned prince

in a country you've never heard of.

- I got one today from some

exiled religious leader in Kazakhstan.

- Yes.

Just answered that one.

He needs an American account

in which to deposit 22 million dollars.

- It's a scam.

- Most likely,

but what if it weren't.

- [Shirley] I'll take that risk.

- I won't.

So I opened up a free checking account.

I keep a $1 balance so if someone's looking to wipe me out,

it's no great loss.

And I answer every one of those emails.

- One day he hopes to wake up with millions in the account.

- There it is.

- You're fucking crazy.

- But cute.

- I for one commend you my friend.

Someone has to do it.

No?

- You two are fucking.

- What?

- Yeah what?

- You heard me.

- No, no.

No we're not.

We're just-- - Fucking.

(Alison and Jeff scoff)

- No, no, no.

No we're not.

- Well. (chuckles nervously)

- Yeah.

- Thank god.

- Why?

- So are we. - So are we.

- What?

- For how long.

- A little over a week.

- That's the same here.

It just sort of happened?

- Yeah all this talk about-- - Fuck buddies.

- Friends with benefits.

- It gets you kind of worked up.

(all laughs awkwardly)

- Did anyone tell--

- No. - No!

No, no.

They wouldn't understand.

- [Brad] They'd think we couldn't handle it.

- Yeah that a little sex would put

too much pressure on the friendship.

- Ridiculous.

- If anything it's relieving the pressure.

- I mean exactly. - Yeah.

Where are Owen and Chloe anyway?

- Same place we'd all like to be?

- I can't imagine Alison or Shirley doing this.

- Why have you told them?

- No, no god.

We said we wouldn't.

Have you told--

- No, no, no, no.

Of course not.

- 'Cause I was just thinking

Alison would be planning her wedding by now.

- It's only been a few weeks.

- Alison plans her wedding after the first date.

- That's frightening.

I mean you're not...

- No, no.

- Just checking.

- Shirley would have cheated on you by now.

- How can you cheat on someone if you're not,

I don't know, involved.

- Trust me, she'd find a way. - Oh.

You know I don't think Jeff could do it.

He's one of those guys that believes

in falling in love first.

- You know I always thought he and Alison

would be really cute together.

- If you could get him away

from his computer for five minutes.

- And Brad.

- Oh he'd just find someway to mess it up.

You know he talks a big game,

but in the end he'd either want more

or less or something different.

- Do you want more or less--

- Or something different?

- Yeah.

- None of the above.

- You're happy with the way things are.

(soft guitar music)

- It's a rule.

- No. - No.

- You'll like this one.

Friends should fuck.

No I amend that.

Friends must fuck.

- I was wrong.

Owen and Chloe were right.

Three cheers for Owen and Chloe.

- Pip pip. - Hooray!

- How quickly little sex can make a guy change his mind.

- No, no.

- But will he loan you 20 bucks?

- No.

- That rule will never change.

- Must never change. - Must never change.

- You see.

You are the only one who will do that to me.

- Mhm. - And for that I love you.

- Is this really happening?

- Oh god I hope so.

* How'd you get so drunk

* You disappointed

* What she feels coming true

* It's coming true

(coughing)

- Oh there's this dog that came into the shelter last night

that I so want you to meet.

It's an English bulldog,

eight years old.

It's dumb owner moved to a place

where they don't allow pets,

and she gave him up.

I mean how do people do that?

Have a dog as part of their family for years,

I mean eight years,

and then just give him up.

Sorry boy.

Done with you.

Don't need you anymore.

I mean she'd be put in jail

if she just gave up on her own kids.

There should be no difference.

Brad?

Brad?

- Huh, what?

- Are you staring at that guy's ass?

- No.

I'm just--

- Tired.

I just,

I didn't get much sleep last night.

(soft rock music)

* Sometimes seem like you're my only friend

(moaning) (stall door banging)

- No.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- No I said no.

- What the fuck?

This was your idea to begin with.

You know what?

Fuck you alright.

Fuck you.

* I fall apart

* And still you try

* We're losing here to all the little things

* That smolder in the spring

* You're only half as far as I need to go

- Something wrong?

* I stare straight ahead and wonder why

* This feeling grows with everyday

* I'm far from home

* Last night

* I listened to you breathe

* I like to watch you when you sleep

* And there's a storm outside

* But there's a comfort in your voice

* It brings me silence through the noise

* That fills my mind (phone ringing)

* With all the little things

* That smolder in the spring (phone rings)

* You're only half as far as I need to go

* For another endless drive

* I stare straight ahead and wonder why

* This feeling grows with every day

* I'm far from home

(rock music)

(phone beeping)

(phone ringing)

(soft rock music)

* So now I

* Took the phone to bed at night

* To catch your calls and pick my fights

* And I'm being fair (moaning)

* See I don't

* I don't want to waste your time

* And it's not that you're a waste of mine

* But I'm getting scared

* Of all the little things

* That smolder in the spring

* You're only half as far as I need to go

* For another endless drive

* Stare straight ahead and wonder why

* This feeling grows with every day

* I'm far from home

* Oh

* Whoa oh

* Oh oh

(heavy breathing)

- I think I'm pregnant.

- What?

- I think I'm pregnant.

- No.

No.

- [Chloe] Yeah.

- Look we've been so careful.

Well obviously not careful enough.

- How?

I mean why?

I mean no, no.

No, no, no, no.

This can't be happening.

Oh my god.

This absolutely cannot be happening.

Really?

Oh my god this can't be happening.

(slow music)

(laughs)

What you think this is funny?

- I was kidding.

It was just a joke.

- Not a funny joke.

- Aw come on.

I thought it was.

- You've got to be kidding me.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

We've got medical boards this week.

First you expect me to a be a roadie for a band

and now this.

How can you even think something like that is funny?

Fuck.

Talk about our parents.

They were having kids at our age.

I don't want to fucking end up like that.

- [Chloe] Well it's nice to know how you really feel.

- What do you mean how I really feel?

You say something like that?

Come on.

You know how much that would fuck up our lives?

Everything would be over.

Might as well just put a gun to my head

and pull the trigger.

Oh shit Chloe.

I'm sorry I didn't--

- Well it's what you said.

- Look I just didn't expect that.

- Well neither did I.

- Wait.

- God for what? - For us.

- There is no us Owen.

We're just fuck buddies remember?

(door slams)

- Oh fuck me.

(soft music)

(fingers tapping)

* When I get home (knocking)

* I'm gonna rip off all your cloths

- Hey.

How you doin?

- Good.

You?

- Can't stop thinking about it.

* Teach you some tricks

* That I know you'll never know

- I love chocolate.

- I've never seen her angry like that before.

I mean we've never even fought.

Lately I mean everything was going so great

and it seemed to right.

God.

I can't believe I'm even saying this Brad,

but you were right.

Brad.

- Yeah?

- Did you even hear a word I said?

- Yeah, yeah sure.

You and Chloe are fighting.

It's just the pressure of the boards.

It'll pass in a few days.

- Was it,

oh God what happened to everyone?

There's something going on between Alison and Shirley.

The two of you, I don't even know.

You're walking around grinning like the village idiots.

- Do you really wanna know?

You know how Andy Warhol once said,

and I'm paraphrasing here,

that sex is the biggest nothing of all time?

- Yeah I've heard that before.

- Well I was beginning to agree with him.

I was almost forcing myself to believe it.

- Get to the point.

- Now I know he was wrong.

Completely wrong.

(burps) (coughs)

- Sound it out.

- Polly does

does she know?

- Well technically no.

It is after all just sex.

- Are you out of your mind?

- We're just fuck buddies.

- Oh, oh no.

No, no.

I never want to hear that phrase ever again.

Ever again.

This is all my fault.

- And we have you to thank.

- Ugh.

(soft music)

(doorbell rings repeatedly)

- Chloe come on.

Fuck please.

* You

* You turned away

* Onto the other side

* Of the bed

* Fingers slipped through the sheet

* Onto your lower back

* As you sleep

* Why this happens all the time

* I wanna reason why

* I'm falling in too fast

* Once a while we all fall apart

* Slowly you away (coffee beans fall)

* The look on your somber face

* As I try

* To wipe off the tears

* You know I always cry

(doorbell rings)

- You know she's pregnant.

- No.

How do you know?

- [Chloe] I've made the biggest mistake.

- [Alison] Shirley told me.

Are you okay?

I'll help you through this.

I promise.

Did you tell Owen yet?

- Tell him what?

- About being pregnant.

- I'm not pregnant.

- Honey you can talk to us.

It's alright.

- No really I'm no pregnant.

- I thought that you said that she was--

- But she was throwing up in the bathroom.

- When did you see Chloe throwing up?

- I forgot that part.

After I pushed the guy away.

I don't know I needed a few minutes by myself.

(door slams)

And that's when I heard someone throwing up

in the stall next to me.

I could see Chloe's sneakers.

- Big deal.

Just because someone's throwing up in the bathroom

doesn't mean--

- Obviously she thought she was pregnant too.

This is more than just sex isn't it?

You weren't supposed to fall in love.

- But what if I already had?

- Fallen in love?

And then you had sex?

- Oh then you've got problems.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- How long have you felt this way?

- Since the week before my senior prom.

- High school?

- My boyfriend broke up with me

so I didn't have a date.

- And Owen took you.

- He broke up with his girlfriend just to go with me.

He said we could go and be miserable together.

Afterwards we snuck into East Rock Park

and fell asleep on a blanket under the stars.

God I am so fucking pissed off at him right now.

I told him-- - That you loved him?

- No that I thought I was pregnant

and he flipped.

- But can you blame him?

No I mean really.

Can you blame him?

- Oh god what did I do?

- More than you know.

(soft music) (Chloe cries)

* Why

* This happens all the time

* I want a reason why

* I'm falling in too fast

* Once in a while we all fall apart

- Hey, hey.

About the other night--

- I don't want to talk about it.

- You know it just happened.

We were drunk.

If you want to know,

it wasn't for me either-- - I don't want to know.

- But what am I gonna do?

Kill myself for finding out?

- I feel sick after hearing you relive it for Chloe

like it was no big deal.

- It wasn't okay.

- I usually like to block out the night.

- There was nothing to block out.

- Oh just friends right?

Fucking.

Christ what were you thinking?

- Just forget about,

Shirley come on.

And now she's pissed at me.

- [Richard] Can you blame her for being a little upset?

Her sexual orientation is in question.

- It was one night.

- [Richard] One night is all it takes.

Alison.

- What?

- [Richard] Why don't you bring them in?

- Who? - Your friends.

All of them.

We'll schedule a group session.

Confession relieves guilt.

- Yeah but I'm not feeling guilty.

- [Richard] Maybe they are.

- It was different.

We were just having fun.

- [Richard] It was decadent.

- [Richard] And what's wrong with that?

It's brought down empires.

What do you think it can do to a group of friends?

- I-- - We can't just--

Ugh.

Okay.

- [Chloe] What are you doing in here?

- [Owen] We have to talk.

- [Chloe] There's nothing to talk about.

- [Owen] Of course there is.

Help me out here.

I don't know what's going on.

- [Chloe] We made a mistake.

I made a mistake.

I risked our friendship.

And for what?

To get laid?

- [Owen] You are the most important person to me

in the whole world.

You always have been.

I cannot image a day going by

without seeing you or talking to you.

I love you Chloe.

Like a friend.

My best friend.

Please let's just make like this never happened.

We'll just stop sleeping together.

- [Chloe] We already have.

- [Owen] Well sex isn't important.

That's not what this is about.

- [Chloe] Of course it's not.

- [Owen] Please tell me what you want.

I'll do anything.

Chloe come on.

- [Chloe] Just leave me alone.

I don't want to be your friend.

(thunder rumbles)

* How long will it take till

* You forget

* How long will it take till

* The faces

- What do you want to be when you grow up?

- I honestly don't know.

You?

- Does it matter?

(both sigh)

* Said you remembered

* Every boy

* All I could think was

* It was just one more love

* I've destroyed

* All I could think was

* He's just one

* One more love

* I've destroyed

- [Owen] Hey.

- Hey.

You've got company.

- I got a call from your counselor.

He thought maybe I knew

why you hadn't accepted the offer from France yet.

- Institut National de la Sante et de la Recherche Medicale.

- This isn't a joke Owen.

- I never said it was.

- If you knew the strings I pulled.

- Yeah you've told me enough times.

- And I can assume you'll take care of this.

(chuckles softly)

(soft guitar strums)

(door slams)

- Hey.

You okay?

(both moan)

(soft music)

Last night was kind of--

- [Shirley] A surprise?

- [Brad] Yeah. - Yeah.

For me too.

- Can I ask why?

- I don't know.

I just went with what I needed.

- Me? (laughs)

- A friend.

Someone I feel close to.

- The other night with Alison.

- Alison.

Alison was always my friend.

My best friend.

And I don't know.

I feel like maybe I risked that.

- Hey.

The most important rule of friendship,

no if there's a problem you talk about it.

If you're really good friends,

you'll work it out.

- See how fucked up everything is?

Your rules are making sense.

(laughs)

(soft guitar music)

(Brad gasps)

- You've got one of the best tongues.

- One of the best?

Well someday I'd like to meet my competition.

- Hey baby.

Hey Brad.

I thought he had the morning off.

(Brad moaning behind the door)

You naughty boy.

- [Brad] Oh.

- [Polly] Surprise (screams).

(Brad screams)

- [Young Chloe] Owen what do you wanna be when you grow up?

- [Young Owen] A doctor I think.

Just like my dad.

- [Young Chloe] Me too, like my dad.

- [Young Owen] Really? - Uhuh.

- [Young Owen] Cool.

We could be doctors together. - Cool.

(phone rings)

- No. (laughs)

- Hey Shirley.

What happened?

- Oh my god.

How fast were you spinning?

(Jeff laughs)

- [Alison] He didn't die did he?

- You can't die from someone biting your dick.

God I am so sorry.

- [Alison] Oh god.

You should probably tell it to Brad.

- No that's not what I mean.

- No I know what you mean.

- You're not mad at me?

- I was a little,

but only because you wouldn't talk to me.

I was a little,

but only because you wouldn't talk to me.

Yeah I mean I was a little,

but only because you wouldn't talk to me.

Did you put it on ice?

- I didn't bite it off completely.

- Well that's good.

I guess.

- I'm gonna try him again.

(phone rings)

- [Owen] Wrong number.

(laughs)

- Stop laughing.

- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.

(knock on door)

(soft music)

- I thought I'd never see you again Tatiana.

- Aren't you going to invite me in?

- Owen thank god.

- Not exactly.

- What do you mean not exactly?

- Owen isn't answering his phone.

- What?

Oh shit.

(Brad groans)

Do they really have to be in here?

- Amputation can be a very difficult procedure.

(laughs)

- [Shirley] There's gotta be a rule to go with this one.

- Yeah don't give your girlfriend

keys to your apartment.

- So what's the status here guys?

- Suspended animation.

- Yeah I think we could all use a little break.

- I don't have a choice in the matter.

- What about you?

- Owen loves you.

- He just wants to be my friend.

- He thinks that's what you want to hear,

but he's head over heels.

- Since your senior prom.

- He's dreamed about kissing you

for like six years.

- Hasn't it always been obvious?

* World is still small

* World is still small

(knocking on door)

- [Chloe] Hi. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

- We're you planning on packing this old t-shirt?

Oh hi Chloe.

You'd be the first to know,

I've decided to spend the summer in France with Owen.

- Like father like son.

- No Chloe.

It's not what you think.

- [Chloe] It never is. (stomps off)

- What are you doing dressed like that?

- [Tatiana] You haven't touched me since I got here.

You can keep the t-shirt.

I mean what was I thinking?

You're obviously still in love with her.

* Like a dream does your at

* Still I wanna be

* The man you want

* I only wanna be

* The man you want

- [Chloe] A complete fiasco.

- [Jeff] You probably did a lot better than you think.

- You always do a lot better than you think.

- Are you sure it was Tatiana?

- Guys we gotta make sure

we can afford the gas for this so.

- Ash merch will cover gas.

- Look as long as we see Mount Rushmore,

I don't give a shit what happens alright.

- Mount Rushmore.

- Who the hell is this kid?

How'd you get in the band?

- Dude is this dork and roll

or rock and roll?

- What the hell does that even mean?

- Yeah I don't know you either.

- That's retarded.

You're a retard. - Hey listen.

- Guys alright so. - And that's the wrong way.

I keep telling you.

That is the wrong way to go.

- Hey.

You're up for this right?

- Yeah I'll be fine.

I want this.

Guys more than anything,

I need this.

- Break?

- Yeah.

Break.

- Okay. - Alright.

So I figure if we leave early Sunday morning,

and we all take turns driving--

- Whoa hold up, hold up.

When do we ever take times driving okay?

'Cause it's always me.

- Yeah 'cause you're the drummer.

What else do you do for us?

- I'm gonna take us to Mount Rushmore.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Right there. - Jesus.

Christ.

- This is nice.

Real nice.

I could be a-- - He's cute.

- I don't need anyone.

I'm cool.

The Lone Ranger.

- So are you gay or are you bi?

- Bi.

So bi.

- Yeah that hurts.

- You're home early.

- Yeah I took the night off.

I went shopping instead.

- The usual?

Condoms and beer?

- You're half right.

I want to do something that really turns me on instead.

- [Alison] What's that?

- Cook.

- [Alison] Since when do you cook?

- Well as a little girl,

I used to stand in the doorway of our kitchen

and watch my mom cook for hours at a time.

- Why did you stand in the doorway?

- She didn't want me in the way.

- What'd you get?

- A little bit of everything.

(upbeat music) (Alison and Shirley laugh)

* It's criminal

* You'll be

* My enemy

* And I'll do

* What I must

* To kill your memory

* 'Cause all this talk

* Has given me the shakes

* Yeah I know

* We all live to

* Bury our mistakes

* But you're gone

- I'll meet you in the car.

Okay dad?

- [Father] Son you got a plane to catch.

* We were

* The Lone Ranger

* And Tonto

* But you took it hard

* You took it personal

* You know you never really should

- [Alison] Did you try talking to him?

- I couldn't.

- His plane should be leaving any minute now.

- Too much information.

- We just,

we need a break right.

I mean,

I don't know what I mean.

- I can't believe he left without saying goodbye.

- I swear I'm going to bite it off for real next time.

- There's going to be a next time?

- It's okay.

I can't believe it either.

- Hey you made it.

- I wouldn't miss Chloe's last show.

- Thanks. - So everybody,

this is Lily.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey you're Brad.

Jeff's little boy toy right?

- Jeff's little boy toy?

I think I'd argue it's very much the other way around.

- Oh so who's the pitcher.

- That um...

- Are you the man in the relationship?

- I am so proud of you.

- That has nothing to do with it.

- Oh lighten up. - Oh it's okay.

We all have itches we need to scratch.

* And you're gone

* Gone for good

* Gone for good

* Gone for good

- [Owen] Testing one two.

Testing.

Is this thing on? - Owen.

- Hi.

I'm just the warmup act here.

So if you'll please bare with me.

This song is dedicated to my guitar teacher.

As you'll hear,

I still desperately need her.

One, two.

One, two, three, four.

* I woke up with this song in my head this morning

- [Man] Give it up douche bag.

* I woke up with this song in my head this morning

- [Man] You should have killed yourself.

- [Man] Bring out the real band.

* I was dreamin about your record collection

* And all of our scratched affections

* Woke up with this song in my head this morning

- [Man] Open mic night's on Wednesday.

- [Woman] You suck!

* With no singing - This is so wrong.

* With no swinging too

* There's no dancing (audience boos)

* I'm just missing you

- [Woman] Get off the stage

* I woke up and put your record on this morning

- [Man] My ears are bleeding.

* Woke up and put your record on this morning

(audience boos)

* So when the oven is on

* I'm gonna melt the plastic

* Into ashtray and candy basket

* I woke up and put your record on this morning

* With no singing

* With no swinging to

* There's no dancing

* I'm just missing you

(rock music plays)

* When you go

* Will you glow

* On and on and on and on

* When you go

* Will you glow

* On and on and on and on

* On and on and on and on

* On and on and on and on

* Woke with this song in my head this morning

* It made my headache

* It was that great

* But now you're gone

* And life is awful

* There's no singing

* There's on swinging too

* There's no dancing

* I'm just missing you (audience cheers)

* There's no screaming

* There's no listening too

* There's no scheming

* I'm just

I'm missing you.

(audience claps)

- Wow.

- That bad?

- That rocked.

(audience cheers)

(rock music)

* Under a sea

* Came up for air

* Opened my eyes and heard release her

* Release her

* I had a blur of charcoal whites

* Still needle filled

* She says release her

* Release her

* And I went home that day

* She left by nightfall

* But letting go was all I had to do

* Don't want for what you cannot have

* Forgive or don't

* But just release her

* Release her

* So I just stuck and harbored down

* Wondered for years

* Then just released her

* Released her

* And I went home that day

* She left by nightfall

* But letting go was all I had to do

* 'Cause I sat back

* And bled till all the bad in me was gone

* Hurts of everything

* Except the truth

* Not helping me just saving you

* And you know it

* I know it happened

* I've got pictures that prove it

* Not helping me

* Just saving you

* And you knew it

* You called me crazy and yeah

* Well maybe

* But I know the truth

* I went home that day

* She'd left by nightfall

* But letting go was all I had to do

* I spilled black

* And bled till all the rest of me was gone

* Hurts of everything except the truth

(Jeff humming)

- Oh fuck.

God.

Ah it's gonna leave a mark.

Bradly.

Get the (mumbles).

(screams)