Original subtitles

I know I haven't been myself lately, Pen.

If I'm totally honest, it's the bodies.

This is our chance to finally make some proper friends in this backwards shithole.

Someone needs to clean up this town.

Chalky, are you gonna step up? Mm.

You assured me that your work would not suffer. Yes, and-

I have publishers breathing down my neck.

Ross, Pig and Lulu have a massive underground dope plot.

Walker, they've been growing and dealing right under our noses. I've sent Swede over to suss it out.

Send the quiet one too.

Right now we're in the middle of this thing, and I can't even begin to do...

this.

It's one of yours. It's one of mine.

Someone's trying to play us off against each other. The same someone did this to Ross.

What on Earth do we have here?

From the day we are born, fate comes for us.

Fate. Cruel fate.

Always there to remind us...

we are not in control.

You see, fate, not free will, has always been our master.

Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2019.

He arrived to find the hapless couple supporting the victim -

the, victim with a variety of injuries, including gunshot wounds,

completely unresponsive...

while the faces of his supporters

are redolent with guilt.

We-We-We found him- Grown-ups only, please.

Any advance on Wandering?

No. Nope.

No.

You know, my dear damaged friend, I do believe that they are fibbing.

You're making a lot more out of this, Cutter, than there needs to be.

Really?

Well, in that case, I will take your word for it, shall I? Let's see.

Emergency services. What do you require? Police, please.

One moment.

Police. How can I help?

Pen...

Hello?

OK. OK. OK. OK.

Hello? I'm terribly sorry. There appears to be a little misunderstanding.

Ah. OK.

Right.

Let's start again, shall we?

Fuckin' Aucklanders? Apparently. Fuck!

No one fucks my family, no one fucks me, and no one fucks my business!

And that includes you mob. There's no beef here, Lulu. Your fale, your business.

But, you see, we're neighbours, OK? So that links us.

My roof leaks, you give me a ladder.

A fox invades your henhouse, I help you get rid of the fox.

Thing is, we don't know what we're dealing with here.

Is our fox a lone wolf or is he part of a pack?

Fuckin' Auckland outfit. Like a hostile takeover or something.

Plight of the small town, my brother - local business stolen away from locals.

True that, bro.

Argh! Jesus.

What are you fuckin' doing here talking about wolves...

and-and-and hens and leaky roofs?

We have a shared enemy.

Walker wants to assure you of his allegiance and that we're ready to help whenever we can.

Then fuckin' kill them.

OK, well, let's not be too hasty.

Hasty?

Last I heard, you were just the bitch, not the boss. So why don't you jump on your tricycle

and you wheel back to your boss and you tell him I want a fuckin' meeting, now?

What kind of gangs? Triads? Israelis?

Locals. Very vicious locals.

And they were out to take this man's land, why?

To grow marijuana.

Idiot!

Whoever did this...

they knew exactly what they were doing.

Expert torturers, all of them.

Argh!

He's just our neighbour, and he got himself into a whole lot more trouble than he could handle and...

he just needs somewhere to hide. That's all.

Getting the police involved... I mean, that would make things a whole lot worse for him.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Mm. Yeah.

I know you're lying, but that is of no consequence. There is something far more immediate to address.

I have a deadline to meet, so this is what is going to happen.

Our friend here is going to move in to recuperate. Your husband - the village idiot -

will nurse him and run any errands that I require.

And you...

have work to do.

Walker.

You took your fucking time.

You homo. Fag!

We reached out to our networks. We haven't heard back about the Aucklanders.

Who fuckin' cares? I need them dead...

now. Why don't you kill them, Lulu?

You are pissants!

Shit.

And you're under attack. And you've got no Pig, no Ross,

no Jimmy and no muscle.

You got no boy.

Yet here we are, willing to lend a hand. I don't want your fucking hand.

I want you to kill the Aucklanders. Bodies bring attention, all right.

Attention puts all our operations at risk. You don't wanna lose your business now, do you?

Aargh! Get down. Fucking kids.

Control your fuckin' children, woman.

Why don't you control your fuckin' monkey?

If you gaze long into an abyss, beware...

cos the abyss will gaze back into you.

All right, meeting over. I say when it's over.

It's over now.

Fucking useless as tits on a fucking bowling ball! All right, all right, all right.

Come on, kids, get in the fucking car! And you...

I got you down here for backup, boys. You're a waste of fucking time!

Cutter's in our bed. Ross is in the spare room. This is insane. I know. I know.

And I'm so sorry that he's here. It's all my fault. No. No it's not. This is-This is-

I don't know what this is.

And I hate the way he speaks to you.

Pen, we should leg it right now.

Let Cutter deal with Ross' mates,

and the two dead guys and the people that are looking for the two dead guys.

If we go, he calls the cops, the cops find the plot, those bodies,

Mrs Brady's grave, Ross... I mean, and what about Ross?

I don't think he's a problem any more.

Yeah, but we don't know where he's been or who he's spoken to.

For all we know, he could be the one who put the call out on those dead guys.

Yeah, OK. This... This is the worst of the worst.

But we can work through it. We just have to be smart, Pen.

OK.

OK. Right.

OK.

The core of our problem is...

The... The core of our problem-The absolute core of the problem... Look...

Cutter is only here because I dropped the ball with the book.

If I just finish the edit, then he'll lose interest in us, and he'll be out of our hair.

At least that's one less problem.

I can handle him. I know how.

Plenty of practice.

At least we're not fighting any more.

I'm sorry for not listening, for not trusting your judgement, for being such a dick.

You're not.

You weren't.

I was.

I tried to take over and I just... I just ended up making everything worse.

You're the smart one, Pen. You know that, right?

You're way smarter than Cutter.

You're not dumb.

No one should ever make you feel that way.

I don't make you feel that way, do I?

No. Of course not.

Penny!

Penny!

Penny! Penny! Penny!

Come on, Penny!

Imagine if they're doing it right now too.

What?

Penny and Wade.

Do you think they do it more often than us? Oh, Jesus.

How often do you think is normal? Stop it, OK. Enough. Well, it's natural to be curious.

No, it's not, Luck. You're obsessed. It's creepy. I'm just worried about them.

That's all. Why?

Cos they never call.

I mean...

They never invited us back for dinner. Maybe something's wrong.

Maybe they don't wanna be friends with us, or they don't like us.

You should call Wade.

Why? Because if I call Penny again, she's just gonna think I'm a stalker.

But you are a stalker.

Call Wade, make a man-date, ask questions.

No.

You made me move down here. You made me leave my friends, leave my family, leave my job.

You owe me. OK, fine. Just make it stop.

Thank you, boo.

We can do it again now if you want.

Did you think I'd forgotten about you?

Now, where's your counter, Paul?

Ah, here it is.

I'll roll for you.

Oh!

Mystery.

Choice.

Now, that's ironic.

Cos you had the choice to do what you did.

Wrong choice.

So here's your choice - you can lose another finger or a toe.

Boss, we need to come up with a plan for the plot.

There's honour in growing.

Values.

We just go over there...

make it ours, no blood spilt.

Or we rip out the plot and put in a lab - a big one.

After all...

my game...

my rules.

There's too much pissing around.

You know Walker's a psycho, right?

You shouldn't have wound him up. I mean, your kids were being bloody feral.

We've got no Pig. We've got no Ross. We've got no Jimmy.

Oh, so now you're a bloody expert on being a working mother, are you? Eh?

Cos I work twice as hard as you fuck-knuckles and I get half the acknowledgement.

Nah, that's not what I meant. What I meant was-

Walker says 'jump' and he's a legend. And when I say 'jump', I'm a bitch.

I just don't want us all to end up dead.

You know what? The future is fuckin' female.

Shit's about to change.

Phone, dickwad.

Yeah. Dream about the body? Stiletto in the eye, bro.

Can still see it when I close my eyes. Dude, that was nasty.

You and your BFF, the town cop.

Wade, are you there?

Yeah, sweet. Sweet. Uh, got any plans on Friday?

Come on. Put the hand cuffs on now, save him the time.

Uh, dunno. OK, uh, well, I have to do this road-safety stand thing at a rodeo.

So not my tribe. It's like scouts and rednecks.

Or you could do the smart thing and tell him to fuck off. Fuck off.

Yeah, anyway, with Ross frickin' AWOL, I could use a bit of a hand. Fuck off.

Buy you a beer after. Tell him to fuck off.

Fuck off.

Oh-Oh... I just don't wanna help, OK? So... fuck off.

Fuck off.

Gotta clean up this town. Vote for Chalk. Vote for Chalk.

Vote for Chalky Tonks.

Vote for Chalky Tonks. Clean up this town. It's gone to the dogs. Gotta clean up this town.

For our magnificent beloved stargazer to be professionally recoated.

Graffiti is just the tip of the iceberg, my friends.

Just last week I sighted an abandoned shopping trolley in the Waikino Creek.

It's time for change, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for us to clean up Alberton.

That's my line, but. Clean up Alberton.

Clean up Alberton. Clean up Alberton.

- Come on. - Clean up Alberton.

That's right... up Alberton.

You have made a complete pig's breakfast of this!

I'm sorry. It's... Look, there's a lot that needs to be fixed, and I just...

I mean, surely we can get an extension. No, we cannot get an extension!

The publisher will not allow it. And you want to know why? I will tell you why.

Because your pathetic husband, Wade - poor Wade - cannot hold down a big-boy job.

Poor Wade cannot live a big-boy life in the city. He has to run away to bum-fuck-nowhere!

Just-Shh! In order to... to... to lick his wounds.

And his silly little wife goes running after him, abandoning all her responsibilities along the way!

Cutter, please don't talk about Wade like that.

Oh? And how would you like me to describe him, then?

Successful? Self-sufficient? Your knight in shining armour, riding in on... on a golden steed?

Look... I don't know exactly what you've done, but you are in a world of trouble.

Now, just count your blessings that I have decided not to throw you to the wolves.

Now, get on with it and fix it!

Fix it! It's not much to ask!

Fix... this... bloody... book!

Please.

It will go to the village and fetch my supplies. And you will return immediately. Go!

You useless turnip!

Pen, what's your plan for today?

What? Your plan?

Oh, honey. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm... I'm... I'm exhausted,

and the book is a mess and I just have to finish it, OK?

But you're in charge today.

Babe, not now. Plan.

Oh, just go and get his shopping, OK? Otherwise, we'll never hear the end of it.

OK. OK.

Are you gonna be OK by yourself? Yes.

Chalky's gun's under the bed, in case you need it.

It's a really good plan.

Visitor, boss.

Fuck off.

Look... at me.

But wait.

There's more.

Oh.

Run away from the sty? Yeah, well, Pig can't be trusted.

Not like you.

Remember when you used to promise me the world?

Hmm?

Yeah. You used to say that you would chop off your right hand for me.

Maybe a finger.

Cut the freaky-deaky shit, OK.

I mean...

I can't take home a finger, can I?

Oh.

See?

Oh yeah.

I am your humble servant.

Kill the Aucklanders.

Kill them.

Kill the Aucklanders. Kill them.

Kill the Aucklanders. Kill the Aucklanders.

Kill the Aucklanders. Kill them.

Kill them.

Kill the Aucklanders. Kill...

Kill them.

He wants a hit on the two Auckland- Oh man...

It's your day with Simon.

Sorry, buddy. He's just got a real hard-on for this one.

I can pay you holiday rates.

Thanks, mate.

So, let me get this right. You're running errands, leaving your wife

with random killers roaming around your property.

Genius move, dude - genius.

Hey. Hey. Is, uh, everything OK? Yeah. Yeah, I'm... I'm working.

No, I-I mean, you know, no visitors? No.

No, and I've locked all the windows and the doors and I am keeping an eye out, OK?

Right. Just checking.

Good. Good.

Is that it? Yeah.

Penny! I need another towel. I want a fresh, clean towel. Good.

Just get the shopping and hurry back to me, OK?

Right. We've got your vitamins, your expensive soap, your cleanser...

Bad people are gonna come. They'll be turning up on your doorstep any moment.

What's this other thing?

And you're here buying...

Uh, serum. Uh, male serum.

Ooh. You might have better luck at the vets or the doctors.

Oh no. It's-It's a cosmetic serum, um, with... with spearmint. Oh. Nah.

You'll have to go to town for that.

Hey, get the kid. 50 points. 50 points. Get him.

Argh! Little freak!

This belong to you?

Hey, don't worry about those meatheads.

They won't be anything but meatheads.

You, on the other hand, you're special and unique.

And that's something no one can ever take away from you.

You must be the dad. Wade McCarthy.

Ooh, I, um, I got the number plate.

So, um...

shall we exchange numbers or something?

Go into gear. Come on. Just go into gear.

Hey.

I just thought the more that I drive it, the better I'd get. It's gonna be a long trip into town.

Oh.

Oh, thanks.

Penny.

Penny!

I want my container back. What-? OK.

You know when Justin and I moved down here, no one even talked to us.

And we made a big effort to try and make you feel welcomed, and what do we get?

You ignore all my calls. You never call me back. Wade tells Justin to fuck off.

You guys are total dicks. Hey, look-Look, um, I'm sorry. I just...

We've been going through a lot lately, and... and Wade and I are under a lot of pressure so-

Are you two breaking up? What?! No.

I knew it. Everyone knows you went to the doctor about Wade's erections.

Did you?

I see that we have a guest.

You're that guy.

Cutter Anderson. Guilty as charged.

Inspector Lander. I read your books. Good. Good. Good.

And we actually have a lot of work to do, so we should really-

Yes, and don't let me keep you from it, hmm. I always have time for my fans. Off you go, darling.

Mwah.

Need to take that whip to that filly.

And which one of my award-winning novels is your favourite? Um, that guy in the water.

Ah. The Drowning. That one.

One of my earlier works. Mm.

An international bestseller, of course.

I'm on a bit of a tight schedule. Is that gonna work out for you?

Yep, cool.

You married?

Wife's boss is in town. Total tosser.

I just don't like leaving her at home by herself.

'Thank you for submitting the final draft of The Hungry Grave for publication.

'...extremely concerned that the last section of the book is not up to the usual high standard.

'If this isn't remedied in three days, we need to seriously reth-'

But I want her to be confident, right? Cos she's super smart.

I mean, she doesn't get how smart she is.

You fucking...

wanker.

Uch!

We've got this other stuff going on at the moment, and I want to protect her,

but I don't want to go back there, because I would be undermining her.

But if I don't protect her, then I'm like this crappy husband, right?

Maybe I should just ring her and tell her what I'm thinking.

Cos that's the key to a really healthy relationship, isn't it? Communication.

I wish I could just kill him.

You...

This...

This is all your fucking fault in the fucking first place, and you just won't fucking die,

you motherfucking, cocksucking arsehole. I'm gonna fucking stick this down your fucking throat!

Fuck!

Penny! Your friend's gone. Let's get back to work. Come on, chop-chop.

Fuck!

Oi, you pricks. Keep it down, eh?

What is your fucking problem, you brain-dead fuck?

All I'm saying is that this hold-up has rooted our flow.

The plot will be back this afternoon.

It'll be business as usual, so fuck it up with the whinging.

Hey, I've finished my shopping, so I'll just wait here for you.

It's that fucking Walker's fag.

I told you to turn the fucking game down!

No disrespect, Lulu, but I'm not super comfortable with fuckin' Walker on the scene.

- I mean, the guys a fuckin' lunatic. - He's under fucking control.

What...

the...

fuck?!

It is obvious. We have been victims of an attack. Someone has shot their balls at us - here and here.

And here. It is an outrage.

Reporting a robbery, but. My intellectual property's been nicked from under my nose, but.

I was first! Wait your turn!

These incidents are racial hate crimes. Open hostility directed towards us as Germans.

I'll give you bloody hostility. There's an ANZAC war memorial at the end of the street,

and my grandfather's name's on it!

And you bloody Jerries, you come over here, you take a shit in the woods,

you don't clean up after yourselves.

I mean, people around here, they bloody hate freedom campers. I mean...

Justin. I've worked it all out.

I'll get you a form.

I know why they're acting so strange.

Cutter Anderson is there.

Him and Penny are having an affair.

OK. Penny and Wade, they moved down to Alberton to make a fresh start, right?

But Cutter won't take no for an answer, so now he's in Alberton to stake his claim,

and the three of them are living in some... love triangle.

Uh-huh. Yeah, great. Um...

I saw it myself, boo - Cutter's big creepy hands all over her.

Hello?

Yeah, I'll be right with you.

The mayoral candidate himself.

Change in platform, I see.

Don't worry, dog. I'm in your camp.

Celebrate the brotherhood - from one doctor to another.

Although, technically you're not really a...

Hit me, Bev.

So, here's a mayoral question for you.

What is the law around burying multiple bodies in graves?

Nathan insists it's all legal, and he's going ahead with it.

Personally, I think he's made it up.

You've changed my graveyard scene.

Why?

Explain!

Explain! Because it was appalling.

It was... immature. It was illogical. And it was completely full of hot air.

You...

You are a terrible writer. Have you lost your-? I mean, you have ideas, sometimes.

But you have absolutely no idea how to craft them or how to make them work.

But I do.

I know that you sent your work to the publisher before I'd had the chance to fix it,

and they threatened to pull.

I have been carrying you.

All these years, I have put up with your belittling bullshit because I thought that I had to.

You constantly demeaning me and Wade and our marriage.

And now I truly understand why.

It's cos you're nothing but a sad, bitter, insecure, little man

and you have never known love

and you never will, and you resent us because we have something-Shut up!

No fucking way!

You will not silence me any more, Cutter!

I could ruin you. And I could ruin you! With what? Huh?

Some...

brain-dead stranger who's wandered on to our property.

Hardly the crime of the century, now, is it?

No.

No. No, I will finish this book for you, and then we are done.

And I want you to leave my house - now.

Hmm? You are going to regret this.

OK.

Ah! Penny!

Cutter?

Cutter, what are you doing?

Get in! Oh!

Uh, just...

Here's a story for ya.

Once upon a time, two useless Aucklanders...

killed a drug dealer...

Whoa!

Then shot a local cop...

and then they tried to bury them both in a fresh grave!

But the cop survived...

Whoa!

So they repeatedly...

attacked him and then held him hostage.

But then a famous writer turned up.

And he aided and abetted them!

And before you knew it, they were all living unhappily ever after in a maximum-security prison.

Get it. Get it. Get it. Get it. Get it. Yes, here. You!

What are you doing? What are you doing? You just stabbed a police officer.

No, Cutter, he's bent. He's got a drug plot right under our paddock! Think about what you do next!

Shut up, the pair of you! I'm thinking. Think really frickin' hard!

Right. Right.

Now, this is what is going to happen.

Officer, in return for your overlooking my and Penny's presence in these activities,

I'm prepared to craft for you an ironclad story

that will have you coming out of this smelling like roses.

And you, Penny.

You ditch that imbecile husband of yours

and you dedicate the rest of your life to my work.

If you don't, I as an internationally recognised figure,

will tell the police that Wade is a murderer, a kidnapper and has committed assault.

I've always been a big fan of your stories, Mr Anderson.

Captions by Kristin Williams. Edited by James Brown.

Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2019