subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Deadpool.2016.1080p.BluRay.x265.HEVC.10bit Eng

Afrikaans

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bengali

Bosnian Download

Bulgarian

Catalan

Cebuano

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch Download

English Download

Esperanto

Estonian

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian Download

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Khmer

Korean

Kurdish (Kurmanji)

Kyrgyz

Lao

Latin

Latvian

Lithuanian

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Nepali

Norwegian Download

Pashto

Persian

Polish Download

Portuguese Download

Punjabi

Romanian

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Sesotho

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhala

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Telugu

Thai

Turkish

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Odia (Oriya)

Kinyarwanda

Turkmen

Tatar

Uyghur

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:03:02,430 --> 00:03:04,850 Kinda lonesome back here. 2 00:03:05,308 --> 00:03:06,348 Yeah, little help. 3 00:03:07,686 --> 00:03:12,146 Okay, just, I have to keep my hands on the wheel. 4 00:03:13,859 --> 00:03:14,979 Excuse me. 5 00:03:16,653 --> 00:03:17,953 Dopinder. 6 00:03:17,988 --> 00:03:19,988 Pool. Dead. 7 00:03:21,658 --> 00:03:22,618 Nice. 8 00:03:23,785 --> 00:03:24,905 Smells good, no? 9 00:03:24,953 --> 00:03:26,833 Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl. 10 00:03:27,539 --> 00:03:30,379 Yes. Gita. She is quite lovely. 11 00:03:30,876 --> 00:03:34,496 She would have made me a very agreeable wife. 12 00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:38,840 But, Gita's heart has been stolen by my cousin Bandhu. 13 00:03:38,884 --> 00:03:42,854 He is as dishonorable as he is attractive. 14 00:03:44,014 --> 00:03:47,854 Dopinder, I'm starting to think there's a reason I'm in this cab today. 15 00:03:48,185 --> 00:03:49,645 Yeah, sir, you called for it, remember? 16 00:03:49,686 --> 00:03:54,516 No, my slender brown friend. Love is a beautiful thing. 17 00:03:54,566 --> 00:03:57,356 When you find it, the whole world tastes like Daffodil Daydream. 18 00:03:58,570 --> 00:04:00,360 So you gotta hold onto love... 19 00:04:00,697 --> 00:04:02,157 tight! 20 00:04:02,199 --> 00:04:05,159 And never let go. Don't make the same mistakes I did. 21 00:04:05,202 --> 00:04:06,452 -Got it? -Yeah. 22 00:04:06,494 --> 00:04:10,004 Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga. 23 00:04:10,540 --> 00:04:12,880 Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like? 24 00:04:12,918 --> 00:04:15,878 -Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss. -Okay, enough. 25 00:04:15,921 --> 00:04:18,841 I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is, it's bad! 26 00:04:18,882 --> 00:04:20,592 It's bad. 27 00:04:21,176 --> 00:04:23,846 Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool? 28 00:04:23,887 --> 00:04:25,847 That's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. 29 00:04:25,889 --> 00:04:28,389 And I'm after someone on my naughty list. 30 00:04:28,433 --> 00:04:30,023 I've been waiting one year, three weeks... 31 00:04:30,060 --> 00:04:32,020 six days and... 32 00:04:32,062 --> 00:04:34,402 14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me. 33 00:04:36,024 --> 00:04:38,364 And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool? 34 00:04:38,401 --> 00:04:39,741 This shit... 35 00:04:41,279 --> 00:04:41,949 Boo! 36 00:05:02,884 --> 00:05:03,974 They won't disappoint. 37 00:05:04,636 --> 00:05:06,426 They'd better not. 38 00:05:06,471 --> 00:05:08,891 And what about next month's shipment? 39 00:05:08,932 --> 00:05:10,682 There won't be one. 40 00:05:10,725 --> 00:05:12,265 You're not the only one with a war to win. 41 00:05:13,478 --> 00:05:14,898 That won't do. 42 00:05:17,816 --> 00:05:21,736 See, we've had this small disruption to our supply chain... 43 00:05:25,574 --> 00:05:27,784 We'd appreciate your patience. 44 00:05:30,287 --> 00:05:31,287 Okay. 45 00:05:31,788 --> 00:05:34,288 We'll deliver in full the following month. 46 00:05:37,794 --> 00:05:38,844 Pleasure doing business with you. 47 00:05:42,799 --> 00:05:44,509 Fucking mutant. 48 00:05:54,519 --> 00:05:56,099 Ah, shit! 49 00:05:56,146 --> 00:05:57,516 I forgot my ammo bag. 50 00:05:57,856 --> 00:06:00,106 -Shall we turn back? -No, no time. 51 00:06:00,525 --> 00:06:02,105 Fuck it. I got this. 52 00:06:02,152 --> 00:06:05,492 9, 10, 11, 12 bullets, or bust. 53 00:06:05,530 --> 00:06:06,240 Right here! 54 00:06:08,533 --> 00:06:11,123 That's $27.50. 55 00:06:11,161 --> 00:06:12,871 I never carry a wallet when I'm working. 56 00:06:12,913 --> 00:06:14,333 Ruins the lines of my suit. 57 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,250 But, how about a crisp high five? 58 00:06:17,626 --> 00:06:18,456 Okay. 59 00:06:18,502 --> 00:06:19,752 Merry Christmas. 60 00:06:21,087 --> 00:06:24,087 And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too, Pool! 61 00:06:27,719 --> 00:06:32,599 Shoop shooop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop 62 00:06:32,641 --> 00:06:34,641 You're packed and you're stacked 'specially in the back 63 00:06:34,684 --> 00:06:37,444 Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that 64 00:06:37,479 --> 00:06:39,899 Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie? 65 00:06:39,940 --> 00:06:42,150 If looks could kill you would be an uzi 66 00:06:42,192 --> 00:06:43,652 You're a shotgun - bang! 67 00:06:45,403 --> 00:06:48,743 Oh, hello. I know, right? 68 00:06:48,782 --> 00:06:52,492 Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? 69 00:06:52,536 --> 00:06:56,116 I can't tell you, but it does rhyme with "Polverine." 70 00:06:56,373 --> 00:07:01,923 And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. 71 00:07:01,962 --> 00:07:06,172 Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix and... 72 00:07:06,216 --> 00:07:08,886 Bad guys to kill. 73 00:07:14,307 --> 00:07:15,557 Maximum effort. 74 00:07:25,569 --> 00:07:26,399 Cock shot. 75 00:07:34,202 --> 00:07:36,292 Rich Corinthian leather. 76 00:07:38,248 --> 00:07:40,078 I'm looking for Francis! 77 00:07:40,625 --> 00:07:41,915 Have you seen this man? 78 00:07:52,262 --> 00:07:53,182 Yanky, yanky! 79 00:08:25,879 --> 00:08:28,169 I've never said this, but don't swallow. 80 00:08:49,528 --> 00:08:51,028 Shit. 81 00:08:51,655 --> 00:08:53,665 Did I leave the stove on? 82 00:09:11,174 --> 00:09:12,514 Now, breaking news. 83 00:09:12,884 --> 00:09:16,434 A multi-car collision turned shots fired on the crosstown expressway this morning. 84 00:09:16,847 --> 00:09:18,717 Gridlock has kept police from the scene. 85 00:09:19,182 --> 00:09:21,682 Residents are advised to remain in their homes. 86 00:09:21,726 --> 00:09:24,806 The assailant appears to be armed, dangerous, and wearing... 87 00:09:24,855 --> 00:09:26,275 -a red suit. -A red suit. 88 00:09:26,940 --> 00:09:28,190 Deadpool. 89 00:09:28,233 --> 00:09:30,943 Negasonic! Come, we have mission. 90 00:09:31,862 --> 00:09:34,322 Colossus, wait up. 91 00:09:34,364 --> 00:09:37,744 I've given Deadpool every chance to join us... 92 00:09:37,784 --> 00:09:39,994 but he'd rather act like a child. 93 00:09:40,036 --> 00:09:42,536 A heavily-armed child. 94 00:09:42,581 --> 00:09:46,331 When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man? 95 00:09:46,376 --> 00:09:48,206 Which benefits? The matching unitards? 96 00:09:48,545 --> 00:09:50,425 The house that blows up every few years? 97 00:09:50,463 --> 00:09:51,513 Please. 98 00:09:51,548 --> 00:09:53,878 House blowing up builds character. 99 00:09:54,384 --> 00:09:56,264 You ate breakfast, yes? 100 00:09:56,303 --> 00:09:58,553 Breakfast is most important meal of day. 101 00:09:59,472 --> 00:10:03,772 Here, protein bar. Good for bones. 102 00:10:03,810 --> 00:10:06,150 Deadpool may try to break yours. 103 00:10:14,821 --> 00:10:15,951 Get out of the way! 104 00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:34,967 Hey! 105 00:10:46,144 --> 00:10:47,444 Wait! 106 00:10:47,771 --> 00:10:49,901 You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" 107 00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:51,860 Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. 108 00:10:52,901 --> 00:10:54,111 This guy's got the right idea. 109 00:10:54,444 --> 00:10:55,784 He wore the brown pants. 110 00:10:57,739 --> 00:10:59,909 Fine! I only have 12 bullets... 111 00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:01,620 so you're gonna have to share! 112 00:11:01,660 --> 00:11:03,450 Let's count them down. 113 00:11:22,806 --> 00:11:23,926 Shit. 114 00:11:26,977 --> 00:11:28,687 Motherfucker! 115 00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:31,110 10! Shit! 116 00:11:31,773 --> 00:11:32,693 Nine. Fuck. 117 00:11:33,149 --> 00:11:33,779 Eight. 118 00:11:34,359 --> 00:11:35,319 Shit-fuck! 119 00:11:39,114 --> 00:11:40,324 Bad Deadpool. 120 00:11:41,783 --> 00:11:43,953 Seven. Good Deadpool. 121 00:12:06,224 --> 00:12:08,734 Someone's not counting. Six. 122 00:12:35,337 --> 00:12:36,547 Four. 123 00:12:38,882 --> 00:12:39,922 Gotcha. 124 00:12:41,676 --> 00:12:42,926 Right up Main Street. 125 00:12:47,015 --> 00:12:48,135 Three, two! 126 00:12:48,183 --> 00:12:50,063 Stupid! Worth it. 127 00:13:16,419 --> 00:13:18,379 I'm touching myself tonight. 128 00:13:19,214 --> 00:13:20,304 Francis! 129 00:13:20,715 --> 00:13:21,915 Francis... 130 00:13:23,927 --> 00:13:26,177 What the shit-biscuit! 131 00:13:26,221 --> 00:13:27,931 Where you at, Francis? 132 00:13:36,857 --> 00:13:37,897 You're not Francis. 133 00:13:45,949 --> 00:13:48,369 Really? Rolling up the sleeves? 134 00:13:58,753 --> 00:14:02,053 You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie... 135 00:14:02,090 --> 00:14:05,890 "but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab!" 136 00:14:06,136 --> 00:14:10,466 Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. 137 00:14:10,807 --> 00:14:13,017 And, yeah, technically, this is a murder. 138 00:14:13,059 --> 00:14:15,349 But some of the best love stories start with a murder. 139 00:14:15,395 --> 00:14:18,435 And that's exactly what this is. A love story. 140 00:14:18,481 --> 00:14:19,901 And to tell it right... 141 00:14:19,941 --> 00:14:24,741 I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex. 142 00:14:25,822 --> 00:14:30,792 Look, would it help if I slow it down for you? I didn't order the pizza. 143 00:14:30,827 --> 00:14:34,617 Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive? Are you Mr. Merchant? 144 00:14:34,664 --> 00:14:37,794 Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who didn't order the fucking pie! 145 00:14:38,168 --> 00:14:39,288 Then who placed the call? 146 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,170 I did! 147 00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:44,917 Pineapple and olive? 148 00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:48,387 Sweet and salty. 149 00:14:48,428 --> 00:14:51,558 The fuck are you? The fuck you doing in my crib... 150 00:14:51,598 --> 00:14:52,518 Is it burnt crust? 151 00:14:52,849 --> 00:14:54,139 God, I hope not. 152 00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:56,638 Man, look, if this is about that poker game. 153 00:14:56,686 --> 00:14:58,976 I told Howie, I told him that... 154 00:14:59,022 --> 00:15:02,982 Okay, look, just take whatever you want. 155 00:15:03,026 --> 00:15:04,106 Thanks. 156 00:15:05,028 --> 00:15:07,658 Sir, before you do anything to him, do you mind if I get a big tip? 157 00:15:09,199 --> 00:15:11,079 Jeremy, is it? 158 00:15:11,117 --> 00:15:12,537 Wade. Wade Wilson. 159 00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:16,662 That is a no go on the tiperoo, Jer. 160 00:15:16,706 --> 00:15:18,166 I'm not here for him. 161 00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:20,132 I'm here for you. 162 00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:23,670 Okay, wow, dodged a big-time bullet on that one. 163 00:15:23,713 --> 00:15:25,633 Not out of the woods yet. 164 00:15:26,216 --> 00:15:28,586 You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. 165 00:15:28,635 --> 00:15:30,605 They're jeans, not a chandelier. 166 00:15:30,637 --> 00:15:32,927 P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me. 167 00:15:32,973 --> 00:15:34,773 Okay, just look, man, can I have my Sam's card... 168 00:15:34,808 --> 00:15:37,058 I will shoot your fucking cat! 169 00:15:37,894 --> 00:15:40,314 I don't really know what that means. I don't have a cat. 170 00:15:40,647 --> 00:15:42,397 Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in? 171 00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:48,698 Anyhoo, tell me something... 172 00:15:48,738 --> 00:15:52,488 what situation isn't improved by pizza? 173 00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:54,874 Do you happen to know a Meghan Orflosky? 174 00:15:54,911 --> 00:15:56,541 Getting that right? Orflosky? 175 00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:58,870 Orlovsky? Yeah? Good. 176 00:16:00,083 --> 00:16:01,383 Because she knows you. 177 00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:05,878 Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. 178 00:16:05,922 --> 00:16:08,842 And little Meghan, she's not made of money, but lucky for her... 179 00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:10,184 I got a soft spot. 180 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,720 -But I'm a... -A stalker. 181 00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:14,810 Threats hurt, Jer. 182 00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:18,308 Though not nearly as badly as serrated steel. 183 00:16:18,351 --> 00:16:21,561 So keep away from Meghan. 184 00:16:21,605 --> 00:16:22,525 Cool? 185 00:16:22,564 --> 00:16:23,824 Yes, sir. 186 00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:24,607 Then we're done. 187 00:16:25,108 --> 00:16:27,238 Wait. We are? 188 00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:28,947 Yeah. We're totally done. 189 00:16:29,613 --> 00:16:31,073 You should???�?�?ve seen your face. 190 00:16:31,114 --> 00:16:32,414 I didn't know what to do. I was so scared. 191 00:16:32,699 --> 00:16:33,779 Soft spot, remember? 192 00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:37,375 You even look in her general direction again... 193 00:16:37,412 --> 00:16:41,122 and you will learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots too. 194 00:16:43,126 --> 00:16:44,456 That came out wrong. 195 00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:46,799 Or did it? 196 00:17:00,101 --> 00:17:00,981 Meghan? 197 00:17:04,147 --> 00:17:05,647 You've heard the last of Jeremy. He's sorry. 198 00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:08,323 No friggin' way. 199 00:17:13,156 --> 00:17:15,776 Should've brought my roller blades. Show these kids how it's done. 200 00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:19,366 And that's why we do it. But mostly the money. 201 00:17:19,412 --> 00:17:21,292 Hey, think you could fuck up my step-dad? 202 00:17:21,331 --> 00:17:24,001 I give a guy a pavement facial, it's because he's earned it. 203 00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:25,958 Hey, wait! 204 00:17:27,587 --> 00:17:28,757 You're my hero. 205 00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:31,297 No-no-no-no. That I ain't! 206 00:17:33,176 --> 00:17:35,466 Nope. Never will be. 207 00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:37,346 Fuck you, Wade. 208 00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:41,181 I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys. 209 00:17:42,644 --> 00:17:44,234 Welcome to Sister Margaret's. 210 00:17:44,521 --> 00:17:46,611 It's like a job fair for mercenaries. 211 00:17:47,274 --> 00:17:49,324 Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies... 212 00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:52,069 except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. 213 00:17:52,112 --> 00:17:55,162 You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card. 214 00:17:55,198 --> 00:17:57,028 Buck! Liefeld... 215 00:17:57,367 --> 00:17:58,327 Hey, Wade! 216 00:17:58,702 --> 00:18:01,332 Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you? 217 00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:03,122 I'd love a Blow Job. 218 00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:04,673 Oh, God, me too. 219 00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:06,708 The drink, moose knuckle. But first... 220 00:18:08,378 --> 00:18:10,418 Hey, and I ain't taking any babysitting money, all right? 221 00:18:10,463 --> 00:18:12,303 Make sure that gets back to Ms... 222 00:18:12,340 --> 00:18:13,340 Orlovsky. 223 00:18:13,383 --> 00:18:14,343 Yeah, her. 224 00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:15,644 You sure? 225 00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:18,346 You know, for a merc, you're pretty warm-blooded. 226 00:18:18,388 --> 00:18:20,308 I bet you let the kid off easy, too. 227 00:18:20,348 --> 00:18:22,268 He's not a bad kid, Weas. 228 00:18:22,309 --> 00:18:23,689 Just a little light stalking. 229 00:18:23,727 --> 00:18:25,187 I was way worse than him when I was his age. 230 00:18:25,228 --> 00:18:27,148 I was traveling to exotic places... 231 00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:31,189 Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people. And then... 232 00:18:31,651 --> 00:18:33,531 Killing them. Yeah, I've seen your Instagram. 233 00:18:33,904 --> 00:18:36,284 So what was Special Forces doing in Jacksonville, anyway? 234 00:18:36,323 --> 00:18:37,873 That's classified. 235 00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:40,198 They have a wonderful TGI Fridays. 236 00:18:40,243 --> 00:18:42,543 All right, Kahlua, Baileys and... 237 00:18:42,579 --> 00:18:43,869 whipped cream. 238 00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:46,004 I give you a Blow Job. 239 00:18:46,499 --> 00:18:47,879 Why do you make me make that? 240 00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:49,708 Kelly, Kelly, Kelly... 241 00:18:49,753 --> 00:18:53,213 Take that over to Buck, please, and tell him it's from Boothe. Little foreplay. 242 00:18:53,256 --> 00:18:55,546 Remind me what good will come of this? 243 00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:57,642 I don't take the shits. I just disturb them. 244 00:18:57,677 --> 00:18:58,217 Boothe! 245 00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:00,224 -Easy, man. -Hold up! Hold up! 246 00:19:00,263 --> 00:19:01,263 What you want? 247 00:19:04,100 --> 00:19:06,390 -Cheers. To your health. -Fuck you. 248 00:19:06,895 --> 00:19:09,065 Come here, you fat fuck! 249 00:19:09,105 --> 00:19:10,565 That's a new stool. 250 00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,895 Stay the fuck down. 251 00:19:19,574 --> 00:19:21,244 Whoa! Took his ass out! 252 00:19:21,284 --> 00:19:23,204 All right, move. Move, move, move. 253 00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:24,295 Buck, go rest. 254 00:19:25,622 --> 00:19:26,912 Boothe got hit then went down. 255 00:19:30,710 --> 00:19:33,380 Yeah, he's still breathing. 256 00:19:36,049 --> 00:19:37,589 Nobody wins today. 257 00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,264 Nice try, Wade. 258 00:19:39,302 --> 00:19:42,932 You got me. I picked Boothe in the dead pool. Who did you pick? 259 00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:44,933 Yeah, Wade, about that... 260 00:19:45,433 --> 00:19:46,233 No. 261 00:19:46,643 --> 00:19:48,483 You did not bet on me to die. 262 00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:54,896 You bet on me to die. Wow. Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend. 263 00:19:55,318 --> 00:19:57,608 Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102. 264 00:19:57,654 --> 00:19:59,914 And then dying. Like the city of Detroit. 265 00:19:59,948 --> 00:20:02,778 I'm sorry. I just... I wanted to win money. 266 00:20:02,826 --> 00:20:04,116 I never win anything. 267 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:05,290 Whatever. 268 00:20:05,328 --> 00:20:06,908 Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me! 269 00:20:09,332 --> 00:20:11,252 Domestic, nothing imported. 270 00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:19,177 Baby, are you sure you wanna shoot your whole wad? 271 00:20:21,469 --> 00:20:22,469 Tight. 272 00:20:24,139 --> 00:20:26,099 -Vanessa. -Wade. 273 00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:28,603 What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this? 274 00:20:29,978 --> 00:20:31,228 I'd hit that. 275 00:20:32,522 --> 00:20:34,322 Buck, you best apologize before... 276 00:20:35,066 --> 00:20:36,856 Yeah, that. 277 00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,572 Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf. 278 00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:40,492 -I'm sorry. -Breathe through the nose. 279 00:20:40,530 --> 00:20:42,700 I don't have a filter between my brain and my... 280 00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:43,991 Let go. Okay. Hey... 281 00:20:44,743 --> 00:20:47,253 -Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry. -I'm working on it. 282 00:20:47,287 --> 00:20:49,247 Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell. 283 00:20:49,831 --> 00:20:52,251 Hey. Hands off the merchandise. 284 00:20:53,793 --> 00:20:54,843 Merchandise? 285 00:20:55,337 --> 00:20:57,797 So you... 286 00:20:57,839 --> 00:20:59,259 bump fuzzies for money? 287 00:20:59,299 --> 00:21:00,049 Yep. 288 00:21:00,091 --> 00:21:01,341 Rough childhood? 289 00:21:01,384 --> 00:21:02,434 Rougher than yours. 290 00:21:02,469 --> 00:21:04,049 Daddy left before I was born. 291 00:21:04,679 --> 00:21:06,219 Daddy left before I was conceived. 292 00:21:07,432 --> 00:21:08,772 Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin? 293 00:21:09,142 --> 00:21:10,482 Where else do you put one out? 294 00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:11,809 I was molested. 295 00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:13,563 Me too. Uncle. 296 00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:15,905 Uncles. They took turns. 297 00:21:16,191 --> 00:21:18,821 I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet... 298 00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:20,240 which also happens to be my... 299 00:21:20,278 --> 00:21:23,108 Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box. 300 00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:25,239 You had a dishwasher. 301 00:21:25,700 --> 00:21:26,870 I didn't even know sleep. 302 00:21:26,910 --> 00:21:30,160 It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn. 303 00:21:34,209 --> 00:21:35,459 Who would do such a thing? 304 00:21:37,128 --> 00:21:40,588 Hopefully you, later tonight? 305 00:21:43,426 --> 00:21:48,346 Hey, what can I get for $275 and a... 306 00:21:49,558 --> 00:21:51,268 a Yogurtland rewards card? 307 00:21:51,309 --> 00:21:53,939 Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. 308 00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:57,147 And a low-fat dessert. 309 00:22:04,155 --> 00:22:06,445 Did she just put a gift card in your mouth? 310 00:22:07,784 --> 00:22:09,914 It's time to put balls in holes. 311 00:22:10,954 --> 00:22:12,464 You said whatever I want. 312 00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:14,170 I get it. 313 00:22:14,583 --> 00:22:16,133 You love skee ball. 314 00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:18,458 Apparently more than you love vagina. 315 00:22:18,503 --> 00:22:19,963 That's a tough call. 316 00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:23,129 I just wanna get to know the real you, you know. 317 00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:27,015 Not the short-shorted, two-dimensional sex object peddled by Hollywood. 318 00:22:27,429 --> 00:22:28,139 Balls in holes. 319 00:22:29,306 --> 00:22:30,256 Balls in holes. 320 00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:31,925 Prepare to lose tragically. 321 00:22:31,975 --> 00:22:33,105 Bring it, big man. 322 00:22:33,143 --> 00:22:34,143 Okay. 323 00:22:40,483 --> 00:22:44,863 The limited edition Voltron: Defender of the Universe ring, por favor. 324 00:22:45,322 --> 00:22:47,822 Okay. Here we go. 325 00:22:48,783 --> 00:22:50,913 Had my eye on this sucker for a while. 326 00:22:50,952 --> 00:22:52,792 And I will take the pencil eraser. 327 00:22:52,829 --> 00:22:54,249 Okay. 328 00:22:54,289 --> 00:22:57,079 You are now the protector of the planet Arus. 329 00:22:57,125 --> 00:22:59,085 And you can erase stuff... 330 00:22:59,127 --> 00:23:00,457 written in pencil. 331 00:23:00,837 --> 00:23:02,257 M'lady? 332 00:23:02,297 --> 00:23:03,627 Well, I hate to break it to you... 333 00:23:03,673 --> 00:23:05,513 but your 48 minutes are up. 334 00:23:06,009 --> 00:23:08,799 Hey, how many more minutes can I get for this? 335 00:23:08,845 --> 00:23:13,345 FYI, five mini lion-bots come together to form one super-bot, so... 336 00:23:13,683 --> 00:23:16,813 Five mini lion-bots? Three minutes. 337 00:23:16,853 --> 00:23:17,813 Deal. 338 00:23:17,854 --> 00:23:20,154 What do we do with the remaining two minutes, 37 seconds? 339 00:23:21,233 --> 00:23:22,033 Cuddle? 340 00:23:26,363 --> 00:23:27,863 How long can you keep this up? 341 00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:29,163 All year? 342 00:23:39,835 --> 00:23:41,715 Happy Valentine's Day. 343 00:23:49,344 --> 00:23:50,974 Happy Chinese New Year. 344 00:23:51,012 --> 00:23:52,352 Year of the Dog. 345 00:23:57,561 --> 00:23:58,731 Relax. 346 00:23:59,312 --> 00:24:01,402 And Happy International Women's Day. 347 00:24:06,319 --> 00:24:09,069 No. No. No. 348 00:24:11,408 --> 00:24:12,578 Happy Lent. 349 00:24:17,831 --> 00:24:19,121 -Wade? -Sorry. 350 00:24:19,165 --> 00:24:20,495 Happy Halloween. 351 00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:21,746 Happy Halloween. 352 00:24:31,511 --> 00:24:33,221 Happy Thanksgiving. 353 00:24:35,223 --> 00:24:36,433 I love you. 354 00:24:40,228 --> 00:24:42,308 If your left leg is Thanksgiving... 355 00:24:42,355 --> 00:24:44,015 and your right leg is Christmas... 356 00:24:45,358 --> 00:24:46,858 can I visit you between the holidays? 357 00:24:48,778 --> 00:24:50,608 That sweater is terrible. 358 00:24:51,615 --> 00:24:53,325 But red looks good on you. 359 00:24:53,366 --> 00:24:54,486 Red's your color. 360 00:24:54,534 --> 00:24:56,294 Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes. 361 00:24:57,204 --> 00:24:58,414 Listen, I've been thinking... 362 00:24:58,455 --> 00:24:59,295 Really? 363 00:25:00,123 --> 00:25:01,793 ...about why we're so good together. 364 00:25:02,209 --> 00:25:03,289 Why's that? 365 00:25:05,295 --> 00:25:07,805 Your crazy matches my crazy. Big time. 366 00:25:10,050 --> 00:25:12,930 And, we're like two jigsaw pieces, you know, the weird curvy edges... 367 00:25:13,303 --> 00:25:15,723 You put them together and you can see the picture on top. 368 00:25:16,723 --> 00:25:17,603 Right. 369 00:25:18,225 --> 00:25:19,315 Wade... 370 00:25:19,976 --> 00:25:22,556 there's something I've been meaning to ask you. 371 00:25:22,604 --> 00:25:25,114 But only because you haven't gotten around to asking me. 372 00:25:27,234 --> 00:25:28,284 Will you... 373 00:25:29,486 --> 00:25:31,396 -stick it in my... -Marry me? 374 00:25:34,407 --> 00:25:35,407 Jinx? 375 00:25:37,285 --> 00:25:38,445 Where were you hiding that? 376 00:25:38,495 --> 00:25:39,505 Nowhere. 377 00:25:40,580 --> 00:25:42,250 They say one month's salary. So... 378 00:25:42,290 --> 00:25:43,290 You mean? 379 00:25:43,333 --> 00:25:44,463 I do. 380 00:25:44,501 --> 00:25:45,501 That's my line. 381 00:25:48,839 --> 00:25:50,469 I love you, Wade Wilson. 382 00:25:51,299 --> 00:25:52,629 You're supposed to... So that's a... 383 00:25:52,676 --> 00:25:53,506 Yes! 384 00:25:54,928 --> 00:25:56,008 Yes! 385 00:25:58,139 --> 00:25:59,599 I feel just like a little girl. 386 00:26:04,938 --> 00:26:07,268 What if I just held on and never let go? 387 00:26:07,315 --> 00:26:09,855 Just ride a bitch's back, like Yoda on Luke. 388 00:26:10,861 --> 00:26:12,361 Star Wars jokes. 389 00:26:12,821 --> 00:26:14,031 Empire. 390 00:26:15,490 --> 00:26:18,700 Jesus Christ. It's like I made you in a computer. 391 00:26:23,039 --> 00:26:24,039 Hey. 392 00:26:25,125 --> 00:26:26,135 Perfect. 393 00:26:30,297 --> 00:26:31,797 -Let's see. -All right, wee break. 394 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:33,130 Shake it, yeah. 395 00:26:39,389 --> 00:26:40,519 Here's the thing. 396 00:26:40,891 --> 00:26:42,851 Life is an endless series of train-wrecks... 397 00:26:42,893 --> 00:26:46,403 with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness. 398 00:26:47,355 --> 00:26:50,065 This had been the ultimate commercial break. 399 00:26:52,527 --> 00:26:55,777 Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled program. 400 00:26:55,822 --> 00:26:56,572 What the... 401 00:26:57,699 --> 00:26:58,829 Oh, my God. Wade? 402 00:27:05,123 --> 00:27:06,373 You're clowning. 403 00:27:06,875 --> 00:27:08,255 You're not clowning? 404 00:27:08,668 --> 00:27:09,668 I sense clowns. 405 00:27:10,086 --> 00:27:13,586 People react to news of late-stage cancer differently. 406 00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:18,182 There are certainly options we can look into. New drugs are being developed every day. 407 00:27:22,724 --> 00:27:23,854 So what do we do? 408 00:27:24,476 --> 00:27:26,686 Surely there is something we can do. 409 00:27:27,854 --> 00:27:30,484 My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer... 410 00:27:30,524 --> 00:27:33,074 and there were all these new experimental drugs from Germany. 411 00:27:33,109 --> 00:27:37,359 Vanessa's already working on Plan A, B, all the way through Z. 412 00:27:37,656 --> 00:27:41,196 Me? I'm memorizing the details of her face. 413 00:27:41,868 --> 00:27:44,248 Like it's the first time I'm seeing it. 414 00:27:44,621 --> 00:27:45,461 Or the last. 415 00:27:45,497 --> 00:27:46,997 Mr. Wilson... 416 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:48,460 Mr. Wilson? 417 00:27:48,875 --> 00:27:51,165 Take your time to process this. 418 00:27:52,212 --> 00:27:54,132 It's important not to do anything rash. 419 00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:10,944 Now, if I were a 200-pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide? 420 00:28:36,423 --> 00:28:40,803 A hush falls over the crowd as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson... 421 00:28:40,844 --> 00:28:44,314 out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot. 422 00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:47,644 His form looks good. 423 00:28:49,769 --> 00:28:53,559 And that's why Regina rhymes with fun. 424 00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:56,479 Ladies and gentlemen, what you're witnessing... 425 00:28:56,526 --> 00:28:58,776 is sweet dick-kicking revenge. 426 00:28:59,821 --> 00:29:01,281 Giving him the business. 427 00:29:01,865 --> 00:29:02,785 Incoming! 428 00:29:03,909 --> 00:29:07,659 This is taking unsportsmanlike conduct to a whole new level! 429 00:29:13,001 --> 00:29:16,671 Looking good, Francis. Well rested. Like you've been pitching, not catching. 430 00:29:17,255 --> 00:29:19,215 Ringing any bells? No? 431 00:29:24,179 --> 00:29:25,429 How about now? 432 00:29:29,434 --> 00:29:31,604 Wade fucking Wilson. 433 00:29:34,105 --> 00:29:35,395 Well, hello, gorgeous. 434 00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,440 Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Shar-Pei. 435 00:29:38,485 --> 00:29:41,655 Yeah. And whose fault is that, huh, Francis? 436 00:29:41,696 --> 00:29:43,736 Yeah, time to undo what you did to this butterface. 437 00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:46,782 Please, you should thank me. Apparently, I made you immortal. 438 00:29:47,118 --> 00:29:48,748 I'm actually quite jealous. 439 00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:51,037 Yeah, but this ain't a life worth living, is it? 440 00:29:53,124 --> 00:29:57,254 Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s. 441 00:29:59,673 --> 00:30:00,423 Dad? 442 00:30:04,052 --> 00:30:08,472 I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways in the most colossal way. 443 00:30:09,516 --> 00:30:11,476 Well, maybe not the most. 444 00:30:13,061 --> 00:30:15,731 This is my most prized possession. 445 00:30:16,398 --> 00:30:17,358 Wham? 446 00:30:17,399 --> 00:30:19,229 No, no, no. Wham! 447 00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:23,238 Make It Big is the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation point. 448 00:30:24,281 --> 00:30:27,201 So, am I supposed to just smile and wave you out the door? 449 00:30:27,242 --> 00:30:28,832 Think of it like spring cleaning. 450 00:30:28,869 --> 00:30:30,159 Only if spring was death. 451 00:30:30,203 --> 00:30:34,173 God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters. 452 00:30:35,208 --> 00:30:36,668 Sounds like you do. 453 00:30:37,502 --> 00:30:41,462 Bernadette is not going anywhere, because you're not going anywhere. 454 00:30:41,506 --> 00:30:42,296 Drink. 455 00:30:42,716 --> 00:30:45,466 You're right. Cancer is only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. 456 00:30:45,510 --> 00:30:46,640 All things I can live without. 457 00:30:48,972 --> 00:30:50,972 You belong here at home. 458 00:30:51,016 --> 00:30:54,636 Surrounded by your Voltron and your Bernadette, and your me. 459 00:30:55,979 --> 00:30:59,439 Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit-show. 460 00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:07,369 Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-opening-for-the- Spin-Doctors-at-the-Iowa-State-Fair shit-show. 461 00:31:08,116 --> 00:31:12,656 And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. 462 00:31:14,039 --> 00:31:15,669 I want you to remember me. 463 00:31:17,209 --> 00:31:19,039 Not the ghost of Christmas me. 464 00:31:19,085 --> 00:31:20,875 Well, I wanna remember us. 465 00:31:21,338 --> 00:31:23,008 I swear to God, I will find you in the next life... 466 00:31:23,048 --> 00:31:26,218 and I'm gonna boom-box Careless Whisper outside your window. 467 00:31:26,259 --> 00:31:27,679 Wham! 468 00:31:31,056 --> 00:31:34,056 No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay? 469 00:31:36,645 --> 00:31:38,025 We can fight this. 470 00:31:41,191 --> 00:31:43,361 Besides, I just realized something. 471 00:31:44,194 --> 00:31:49,324 You win. Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine. 472 00:31:53,745 --> 00:31:54,745 I love you. 473 00:32:06,424 --> 00:32:07,554 Wade. 474 00:32:09,761 --> 00:32:10,971 Weas. 475 00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:13,562 You look like you need a Blow Job and a shower. 476 00:32:13,598 --> 00:32:15,728 Though courtesy calls for the latter first. 477 00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:17,437 How about three shots of Patr?�?-n? 478 00:32:17,477 --> 00:32:21,227 Or how about Triticum aestivum, wheatgrass. 479 00:32:21,273 --> 00:32:22,653 Excellent for the immune system. 480 00:32:22,691 --> 00:32:24,781 Jesus Christ. You sound like Vanessa. 481 00:32:24,818 --> 00:32:25,988 Here, check it out. 482 00:32:26,027 --> 00:32:29,487 She's sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures. 483 00:32:29,531 --> 00:32:31,281 I'm sure they're all FDA approved. 484 00:32:31,741 --> 00:32:34,701 Chechnya. Isn't that where you go to get cancer? 485 00:32:34,744 --> 00:32:37,504 You got China and Central Mexico. 486 00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:40,206 You know how they say "cancer" in Spanish? 487 00:32:40,250 --> 00:32:41,290 No. 488 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:43,670 El C??ncer. 489 00:32:43,712 --> 00:32:45,552 I could have guessed that. 490 00:32:45,922 --> 00:32:47,472 Look how happy you look here. 491 00:32:47,507 --> 00:32:51,507 Mind if I keep this? Put it up, so I can remember when you looked alive. 492 00:32:52,012 --> 00:32:53,972 At least now I'm gonna win the dead pool. 493 00:32:54,014 --> 00:32:56,724 Now that you're gonna die tragically of cancer. 494 00:32:56,766 --> 00:32:58,346 I got it, Weas. Thanks. 495 00:33:01,146 --> 00:33:03,816 And that guy over there came in looking for you. 496 00:33:03,857 --> 00:33:06,727 Real Grim Reaper type. 497 00:33:06,776 --> 00:33:08,736 I don't know. Might further the plot. 498 00:33:12,741 --> 00:33:13,831 Boothe. 499 00:33:13,867 --> 00:33:14,947 Wade. 500 00:33:20,332 --> 00:33:21,252 Mr. Wilson. 501 00:33:21,750 --> 00:33:22,920 How can I help you? 502 00:33:22,959 --> 00:33:25,669 Besides luring children into a panel van. 503 00:33:25,712 --> 00:33:29,382 I understand you've recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. 504 00:33:29,424 --> 00:33:30,554 Stalker alert. 505 00:33:30,592 --> 00:33:32,762 It's my job. Recruitment. 506 00:33:33,512 --> 00:33:35,932 I'm sorry you've had such a tough go. 507 00:33:37,057 --> 00:33:39,347 But you're a fighter. Special Forces. 508 00:33:39,392 --> 00:33:41,732 41 confirmed kills. 509 00:33:42,270 --> 00:33:43,690 One every seven weeks. 510 00:33:43,730 --> 00:33:45,610 Same rate most folks get a haircut. 511 00:33:46,775 --> 00:33:48,035 It's to wash the taste out. 512 00:33:48,318 --> 00:33:51,528 It's tough to forget being so impressive. 513 00:33:51,571 --> 00:33:55,661 And now you spend your days sticking up for the little people... 514 00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:57,240 People change. What do you want? 515 00:33:57,619 --> 00:34:00,659 I represent an organization that may be able to help. 516 00:34:02,624 --> 00:34:06,294 What if I told you we can cure your cancer? 517 00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:11,010 And what's more, give you abilities most men only dream of? 518 00:34:14,678 --> 00:34:18,768 I'd say that you sound like an infomercial, but not a good one, like Slap Chop. 519 00:34:18,807 --> 00:34:20,427 More Shake Weight-y. 520 00:34:20,475 --> 00:34:23,475 The world needs extraordinary soldiers. 521 00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:25,690 We won't just make you better. 522 00:34:25,730 --> 00:34:28,690 We will make you better than better. 523 00:34:29,734 --> 00:34:30,994 A superhero. 524 00:34:31,319 --> 00:34:36,319 Look, Agent Smith, I tried the hero business and it left a mark. 525 00:34:36,783 --> 00:34:39,413 But if I ever hit "fuck it," I'll look you up. 526 00:34:41,830 --> 00:34:44,670 Shit. We're within 500 yards of a school, so you may wanna... 527 00:34:49,671 --> 00:34:50,881 His drink's on him. 528 00:34:56,553 --> 00:34:58,303 What did he say? 529 00:35:20,952 --> 00:35:22,542 Hey, what's going on? 530 00:35:23,538 --> 00:35:25,038 Hey. Sorry. 531 00:35:26,499 --> 00:35:28,499 I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. 532 00:35:29,377 --> 00:35:32,547 I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it. 533 00:35:40,263 --> 00:35:44,483 Hey, they've made three of those movies. 534 00:35:45,477 --> 00:35:48,647 At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent. 535 00:36:03,036 --> 00:36:06,656 The worst part about cancer isn't what it does to you... 536 00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:09,920 but what it does to the people you love. 537 00:36:10,210 --> 00:36:12,920 Who knew if this guy could save my life... 538 00:36:12,963 --> 00:36:15,513 but I knew there was only one way that I could save hers. 539 00:36:19,678 --> 00:36:21,928 Isn't that what superheroes do? 540 00:36:34,276 --> 00:36:38,316 Okay. Let's pro-con this superhero thing. 541 00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:43,200 Pro: They pull down a gaggle of ass. 542 00:36:43,243 --> 00:36:44,623 Local dry cleaning discounts. 543 00:36:44,661 --> 00:36:48,711 Lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. 544 00:36:48,748 --> 00:36:51,918 Con: They're all lame-ass teacher's pets. 545 00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:53,670 You know, I can hear you. 546 00:36:53,712 --> 00:36:56,882 I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to them. 547 00:36:56,923 --> 00:36:58,633 Stay right here. 548 00:36:59,009 --> 00:37:01,089 You've been warned before, Deadpool. 549 00:37:01,386 --> 00:37:05,006 This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. 550 00:37:05,056 --> 00:37:07,266 You will both be coming with us. 551 00:37:07,309 --> 00:37:11,229 Look, Colossus, I don't have time for the goody two-shoes bullshit right now! 552 00:37:11,271 --> 00:37:13,111 And you are? 553 00:37:14,733 --> 00:37:16,573 Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 554 00:37:16,610 --> 00:37:20,070 Negasonic Teenage... What the shit? 555 00:37:20,113 --> 00:37:21,863 That's the coolest name ever! 556 00:37:23,408 --> 00:37:26,038 So, what, you're like, his sidekick? 557 00:37:26,077 --> 00:37:27,577 No. Trainee. 558 00:37:27,621 --> 00:37:29,081 Let me guess. 559 00:37:29,122 --> 00:37:31,622 X-Men left you behind on what? Shit detail? 560 00:37:31,666 --> 00:37:32,786 What does that make you? 561 00:37:32,834 --> 00:37:35,254 Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 562 00:37:35,295 --> 00:37:36,555 Can we trade names? 563 00:37:37,214 --> 00:37:38,214 Can we go? 564 00:37:38,256 --> 00:37:40,626 Look! I'm a teenage girl. 565 00:37:40,675 --> 00:37:42,885 I'd rather be anywhere than here. 566 00:37:42,928 --> 00:37:45,138 I'm all about long sullen silences... 567 00:37:45,180 --> 00:37:48,640 followed by mean comments, followed by more silences. 568 00:37:49,059 --> 00:37:52,439 So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence... 569 00:37:52,479 --> 00:37:55,019 or mean comment? Go on. 570 00:37:56,274 --> 00:37:57,574 You got me in a box here. 571 00:37:58,610 --> 00:38:00,570 We can't allow this, Deadpool. 572 00:38:00,612 --> 00:38:02,072 Please, come quietly. 573 00:38:02,113 --> 00:38:04,413 You big chrome cock-gobbler! 574 00:38:04,449 --> 00:38:05,449 That's not nice. 575 00:38:05,492 --> 00:38:06,992 You're really gonna fuck this up for me? 576 00:38:07,327 --> 00:38:11,747 Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick-tips has it coming. 577 00:38:11,790 --> 00:38:14,330 He's pure evil. 578 00:38:14,709 --> 00:38:17,999 Besides... nobody's getting hurt. 579 00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:25,601 That guy was already up there when I got here. 580 00:38:25,637 --> 00:38:28,807 Wade, you are better than this. 581 00:38:28,849 --> 00:38:32,349 -Join us. Use your powers for good. -Heads up. 582 00:38:32,394 --> 00:38:33,814 Be a superhero. 583 00:38:33,854 --> 00:38:34,774 Listen! 584 00:38:34,813 --> 00:38:37,153 The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler... 585 00:38:37,524 --> 00:38:40,614 who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland mansion... 586 00:38:40,652 --> 00:38:45,532 of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... 587 00:38:45,574 --> 00:38:47,334 on that day... 588 00:38:47,576 --> 00:38:49,616 I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request. 589 00:38:49,661 --> 00:38:52,161 But until then, I'mma do what I came here to do. 590 00:38:52,205 --> 00:38:54,955 Either that or slap the bitch outta you! 591 00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:56,250 -Wade... -Hey. 592 00:38:56,293 --> 00:38:57,503 Zip it, Sin?�?(Copyright)ad! 593 00:38:57,544 --> 00:38:58,674 Hey, douche-pool! 594 00:38:58,712 --> 00:38:59,922 And I hope you're watching... 595 00:39:04,676 --> 00:39:06,426 Quite unfortunate. 596 00:39:09,806 --> 00:39:12,056 That does it! 597 00:39:16,438 --> 00:39:17,808 Canada! 598 00:39:19,107 --> 00:39:20,227 That's not good. 599 00:39:20,275 --> 00:39:21,365 Wade, please. 600 00:39:21,401 --> 00:39:22,401 Cock shot! 601 00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:26,027 Your poor wife. 602 00:39:26,072 --> 00:39:27,872 You really should stop. 603 00:39:31,453 --> 00:39:33,833 All the dinosaurs feared the T. rex. 604 00:39:38,502 --> 00:39:40,712 I promise this gets worse for you, big boy! 605 00:39:40,754 --> 00:39:41,924 This is embarrassing. 606 00:39:42,672 --> 00:39:44,472 Please, stay down. 607 00:39:45,592 --> 00:39:48,012 You ever hear of the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest? 608 00:39:48,053 --> 00:39:49,513 Do you have off switch? 609 00:39:49,554 --> 00:39:52,354 Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch? 610 00:39:52,390 --> 00:39:53,270 Enough! 611 00:40:03,026 --> 00:40:04,896 Let us go talk to the Professor. 612 00:40:05,403 --> 00:40:07,203 McAvoy or Stewart? 613 00:40:07,239 --> 00:40:09,449 These timelines are so confusing. 614 00:40:10,784 --> 00:40:13,454 "Dead or alive, you're coming with me!" 615 00:40:13,495 --> 00:40:15,045 You will recover, Wade. 616 00:40:15,330 --> 00:40:16,960 You always do. 617 00:40:21,461 --> 00:40:24,881 You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert. 618 00:40:28,635 --> 00:40:29,805 Oh, my God. 619 00:40:29,845 --> 00:40:30,895 Nasty. 620 00:40:34,015 --> 00:40:36,095 There's the money shot, baby. 621 00:40:36,560 --> 00:40:38,520 Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. 622 00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:51,867 Rock, meet bottom. 623 00:40:52,367 --> 00:40:55,367 And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked... 624 00:40:55,620 --> 00:40:59,870 you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision. 625 00:40:59,916 --> 00:41:03,166 The one that sent you down the road to Shitsburgh. 626 00:41:03,211 --> 00:41:06,261 This? Well, this was mine. 627 00:41:06,798 --> 00:41:08,258 Mr. Wilson. 628 00:41:09,634 --> 00:41:14,184 Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. 629 00:41:14,222 --> 00:41:15,932 You finally hit "fuck it." 630 00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:19,100 Just promise you'll do right by me. 631 00:41:19,769 --> 00:41:21,769 So I can do right by someone else. 632 00:41:21,813 --> 00:41:22,983 Of course. 633 00:41:23,732 --> 00:41:25,482 And please don't make the super-suit green. 634 00:41:26,776 --> 00:41:28,276 Or animated. 635 00:41:34,784 --> 00:41:37,834 Move it! Keep moving. 636 00:41:48,465 --> 00:41:50,595 This place seems sanitary. 637 00:41:51,343 --> 00:41:53,593 My first request is warmer hands. 638 00:41:54,137 --> 00:41:57,427 And, Jesus, a warmer table. 639 00:41:58,975 --> 00:42:00,845 We should really come up with a safe word, fellas. 640 00:42:01,186 --> 00:42:03,016 I'm thinking "pork and beans." 641 00:42:07,317 --> 00:42:08,527 Easy. 642 00:42:10,529 --> 00:42:12,819 Aren't you a little strong for a lady? 643 00:42:13,615 --> 00:42:14,995 I'm calling wang. 644 00:42:18,870 --> 00:42:20,120 What's up with the matches? 645 00:42:20,372 --> 00:42:23,122 Oral fixation or just a big Stallone fan? 646 00:42:24,668 --> 00:42:25,958 Patience, Angel. 647 00:42:26,878 --> 00:42:28,628 All in good time. 648 00:42:28,672 --> 00:42:30,592 Are you here for the turndown service, or what? 649 00:42:32,175 --> 00:42:33,425 We have another talker. 650 00:42:33,468 --> 00:42:35,298 I'm just excited about my first day at superhero camp. 651 00:42:35,345 --> 00:42:37,505 Shut the fuck up. 652 00:42:40,851 --> 00:42:42,811 Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax. 653 00:42:43,770 --> 00:42:45,860 I manage this workshop. 654 00:42:46,940 --> 00:42:50,230 My welcome speech used to be full of euphemisms like... 655 00:42:50,277 --> 00:42:53,907 "This may hurt a little." "This may cause you some discomfort." 656 00:42:53,947 --> 00:42:56,237 But I've grown blunt. 657 00:42:56,283 --> 00:42:58,913 This workshop is not a government-led program. 658 00:42:58,952 --> 00:43:02,622 It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself... 659 00:43:02,664 --> 00:43:06,004 into men of extraordinary abilities. 660 00:43:07,627 --> 00:43:10,877 But if you think superhuman powers are acquired painlessly... 661 00:43:11,798 --> 00:43:12,628 Wrong. 662 00:43:13,300 --> 00:43:17,390 I'm injecting you with a serum that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA. 663 00:43:17,637 --> 00:43:21,557 For it to work we need to subject you to extreme stress. 664 00:43:27,022 --> 00:43:30,322 You've heard that whole "make an omelet, break some eggs" bit, right? 665 00:43:31,067 --> 00:43:32,487 I'm about to hurt you, Wade. 666 00:43:33,653 --> 00:43:36,203 I was a patient here once myself, you know. 667 00:43:36,740 --> 00:43:39,240 The treatment affects everyone differently. 668 00:43:39,576 --> 00:43:42,406 It made Angel inhumanly strong. 669 00:43:42,746 --> 00:43:46,746 In my case, it enhanced my reflexes. 670 00:43:47,250 --> 00:43:50,210 Also scorched my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain. 671 00:43:51,922 --> 00:43:55,762 And, in fact, I no longer feel anything. 672 00:44:04,267 --> 00:44:07,057 Thanks! Thank you. Thank you. 673 00:44:07,354 --> 00:44:09,114 You have something in your teeth. 674 00:44:10,023 --> 00:44:12,233 Right in the middle there. Just, I don't... 675 00:44:12,275 --> 00:44:15,185 A little nugget of romaine lettuce or something. 676 00:44:17,197 --> 00:44:19,617 It's been bothering me for a long time. 677 00:44:21,076 --> 00:44:22,116 Made you look. 678 00:44:22,410 --> 00:44:25,870 Is Ajax your actual name? Because it sounds suspiciously made up. 679 00:44:25,914 --> 00:44:27,044 What is it really? 680 00:44:27,082 --> 00:44:29,502 Kevin? Bruce? Scott? 681 00:44:29,543 --> 00:44:31,133 Mitch? The Rickster? 682 00:44:31,795 --> 00:44:33,305 Is it Basil Fawlty? 683 00:44:33,630 --> 00:44:35,130 Joke away. 684 00:44:35,590 --> 00:44:38,470 One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor. 685 00:44:38,969 --> 00:44:40,259 We'll see about that. 686 00:44:40,303 --> 00:44:41,643 I suppose we will. 687 00:44:42,973 --> 00:44:44,563 He's all yours. 688 00:44:44,599 --> 00:44:45,809 Come on. 689 00:44:46,309 --> 00:44:49,439 You're gonna leave me all alone here with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell? 690 00:44:53,817 --> 00:44:55,897 This is how it's going to work. 691 00:44:55,944 --> 00:44:58,954 Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum... 692 00:44:59,573 --> 00:45:02,083 so we're going to have to make you suffer. 693 00:45:03,827 --> 00:45:08,657 If you're lucky, the mutant genes will activate and manifest in a spectacular fashion. 694 00:45:12,961 --> 00:45:15,801 If not, well, we'll have to keep on hurting you... 695 00:45:17,632 --> 00:45:20,342 in new and different ways, each more painful than the last... 696 00:45:23,013 --> 00:45:25,353 until you finally mutate. 697 00:45:26,975 --> 00:45:28,185 Or die. 698 00:45:35,025 --> 00:45:36,655 You mean like a bucket list? 699 00:45:36,693 --> 00:45:38,993 Like a fuck-it list. 700 00:45:39,029 --> 00:45:41,699 I'd really like to light a spliff off the Olympic torch. 701 00:45:42,282 --> 00:45:44,162 Pass it to me right after. 702 00:45:44,201 --> 00:45:50,161 Let's not forget naked tandem base-jumping with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs. 703 00:45:51,208 --> 00:45:54,338 Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity. 704 00:45:54,836 --> 00:45:57,706 Finally, giving Meredith Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven. 705 00:45:58,006 --> 00:46:01,126 No. Receiving a Dutch oven from Meredith Baxter-Birney. 706 00:46:05,805 --> 00:46:09,225 Making banana pancakes for my kids. 707 00:46:12,646 --> 00:46:14,686 Vanessa. 708 00:46:18,193 --> 00:46:20,573 I wanna see Vanessa. 709 00:46:20,612 --> 00:46:22,032 You're lovely. 710 00:46:22,072 --> 00:46:25,492 I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched. 711 00:46:25,534 --> 00:46:26,664 We were just joking. 712 00:46:26,701 --> 00:46:29,001 No, no. It's okay. 713 00:46:30,080 --> 00:46:31,750 I encourage distractions. 714 00:46:32,499 --> 00:46:34,879 Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we? 715 00:46:34,918 --> 00:46:36,748 Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham. 716 00:46:37,712 --> 00:46:40,092 How tough can he be... 717 00:46:40,131 --> 00:46:43,051 with a name like Francis? 718 00:46:43,635 --> 00:46:44,765 Francis? 719 00:46:45,053 --> 00:46:46,473 That's his legal name. 720 00:46:47,097 --> 00:46:50,557 He got "Ajax" from the dish soap. 721 00:46:52,602 --> 00:46:56,192 F-R-A-N-C-I... 722 00:46:56,690 --> 00:46:58,020 Oops! 723 00:46:59,818 --> 00:47:02,698 Snagged the dry cleaning tag off your lab coat. 724 00:47:04,614 --> 00:47:07,034 FYI, I could probably get you the superhero discount. 725 00:47:07,075 --> 00:47:08,485 You are so relentlessly annoying. 726 00:47:08,535 --> 00:47:09,585 Thanks. 727 00:47:09,619 --> 00:47:10,869 Never heard that before. 728 00:47:10,912 --> 00:47:14,172 Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up? 729 00:47:14,207 --> 00:47:16,207 Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut. 730 00:47:18,003 --> 00:47:19,753 I wouldn't do that if I were you. 731 00:47:19,796 --> 00:47:23,046 See, here's the problem with round-the-clock torture... 732 00:47:23,091 --> 00:47:26,051 is that you can't really step it up from there. 733 00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:31,020 Is that what you think? 734 00:47:36,313 --> 00:47:38,823 If this doesn't unlock your mutation, then, well... 735 00:47:39,649 --> 00:47:40,939 nothing will. 736 00:47:41,359 --> 00:47:44,359 Now, what we're going to do is lower the oxygen concentration in the air... 737 00:47:44,404 --> 00:47:47,034 to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating. 738 00:47:47,324 --> 00:47:50,494 If your brainwaves slow, meaning you're about to pass out... 739 00:47:51,161 --> 00:47:52,291 then we'll turn up the O2. 740 00:47:53,330 --> 00:47:54,750 If your heart rate slows... 741 00:47:54,789 --> 00:47:57,499 meaning you're able to catch your breath... 742 00:47:57,542 --> 00:47:58,922 we'll turn it back down. 743 00:47:59,544 --> 00:48:03,214 And that's where we'll leave you. Right there. 744 00:48:03,590 --> 00:48:05,880 And I thought you guys were dicks before. 745 00:48:05,926 --> 00:48:08,336 You know the funniest part of this? 746 00:48:09,095 --> 00:48:11,465 You still think we're making you a superhero. 747 00:48:12,307 --> 00:48:15,767 You. A dishonorable discharge. 748 00:48:16,520 --> 00:48:18,560 Hip-deep in hookers. 749 00:48:19,272 --> 00:48:20,902 You're nothing. 750 00:48:21,858 --> 00:48:23,318 Little secret, Wade. 751 00:48:24,152 --> 00:48:28,242 This workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make super-slaves. 752 00:48:29,324 --> 00:48:33,084 We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. 753 00:48:33,870 --> 00:48:35,250 Who knows what they'll have you doing? 754 00:48:36,081 --> 00:48:39,541 Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters. 755 00:48:41,711 --> 00:48:44,551 Maybe just mow the occasional lawn. 756 00:48:45,048 --> 00:48:47,508 What the fuck is wrong with you? 757 00:48:52,764 --> 00:48:55,604 You're never going home after this. 758 00:48:55,642 --> 00:48:57,852 Now there's a brave face. 759 00:48:58,895 --> 00:49:00,435 Wait, wait! Wait. Wait. 760 00:49:02,774 --> 00:49:06,694 Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now. 761 00:49:08,613 --> 00:49:09,993 Enjoy your weekend. 762 00:49:10,365 --> 00:49:12,075 "Weekend"? Back up. 763 00:49:12,117 --> 00:49:13,327 Weekend? 764 00:49:55,035 --> 00:49:57,125 Did I say this was a love story? 765 00:49:57,162 --> 00:49:59,622 No, it's a horror movie. 766 00:50:16,097 --> 00:50:18,267 Fucking hell. 767 00:50:18,308 --> 00:50:21,558 Looks like someone lost his shot at Homecoming King. 768 00:50:21,603 --> 00:50:23,693 What have you done to me? 769 00:50:23,730 --> 00:50:27,110 I've merely raised your stress levels high enough to trigger a mutation. 770 00:50:27,150 --> 00:50:29,280 You sadistic fuck! 771 00:50:29,986 --> 00:50:31,486 I've cured you, Wade. 772 00:50:32,322 --> 00:50:33,952 Now your mutated cells can heal anything. 773 00:50:35,075 --> 00:50:37,835 It's attacking your cancer as fast as it can form. 774 00:50:39,079 --> 00:50:41,659 Yeah, I've seen similar side effects before. 775 00:50:42,958 --> 00:50:43,998 I could cure them... 776 00:50:47,587 --> 00:50:49,257 but where's the fun in that? 777 00:50:51,591 --> 00:50:54,141 Now, I'm gonna shut you in again, Wade. 778 00:50:55,929 --> 00:50:57,889 Not because I need to. 779 00:51:01,852 --> 00:51:03,562 Because I want to. 780 00:51:18,034 --> 00:51:19,244 Oh, well. 781 00:51:19,286 --> 00:51:20,496 Go ahead. 782 00:51:23,707 --> 00:51:25,537 You smell like shit. 783 00:51:28,837 --> 00:51:29,877 Motherfucker. 784 00:51:30,797 --> 00:51:32,717 It's all right, it's all right. 785 00:51:33,800 --> 00:51:35,550 I think we owe him that one, yeah? 786 00:51:35,802 --> 00:51:38,182 You take off. Go on. 787 00:51:38,972 --> 00:51:40,312 Off you go. 788 00:51:51,318 --> 00:51:52,898 Quick question. 789 00:51:55,197 --> 00:51:57,237 What's my name? 790 00:52:02,996 --> 00:52:04,326 Didn't think so. 791 00:52:06,208 --> 00:52:08,918 Sorry, Francis. My lips are sealed. 792 00:54:05,368 --> 00:54:06,828 You don't want to kill me. 793 00:54:06,870 --> 00:54:09,120 I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug. 794 00:55:05,846 --> 00:55:07,426 What's my name? 795 00:55:13,603 --> 00:55:14,773 Wade. 796 00:56:22,130 --> 00:56:25,170 I didn't just get the cure to el c??ncer... 797 00:56:26,676 --> 00:56:29,346 I got the cure to el everything. 798 00:56:33,016 --> 00:56:35,266 But there was only one thing... 799 00:56:35,310 --> 00:56:36,940 that really mattered. 800 00:57:06,383 --> 00:57:07,433 Come on, let's go. 801 00:57:12,764 --> 00:57:15,524 Oh, that must hurt. 802 00:57:16,518 --> 00:57:17,978 Thank you so much. 803 00:57:29,906 --> 00:57:32,156 God, he's so fucking gnarly. 804 00:57:32,200 --> 00:57:33,620 Look at his face. 805 00:57:33,660 --> 00:57:36,040 Oh, my God. Poor guy. 806 00:57:36,079 --> 00:57:37,209 Honey, don't stare. 807 00:57:37,247 --> 00:57:38,407 Freak. 808 00:57:58,768 --> 00:58:02,108 No way. I'm not making her life as ugly as mine. 809 00:58:02,397 --> 00:58:04,937 Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad. 810 00:58:04,983 --> 00:58:06,323 Bullshit! 811 00:58:06,359 --> 00:58:09,609 I'm a monster inside and out. I belong in a fucking circus. 812 00:58:09,654 --> 00:58:12,204 Wade, Vanessa loves you. She doesn't care what you... 813 00:58:13,992 --> 00:58:14,952 Do you like what you see? 814 00:58:15,202 --> 00:58:16,372 No. 815 00:58:16,870 --> 00:58:20,830 You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado. 816 00:58:21,249 --> 00:58:22,039 Yeah. 817 00:58:22,083 --> 00:58:24,173 Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. 818 00:58:24,211 --> 00:58:26,131 There was something wrong with the relationship... 819 00:58:26,171 --> 00:58:29,801 and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence. 820 00:58:29,841 --> 00:58:32,431 And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug... 821 00:58:32,469 --> 00:58:35,179 is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. 822 00:58:35,222 --> 00:58:37,142 And he's gone. Poof! 823 00:58:37,182 --> 00:58:38,892 Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this... 824 00:58:38,934 --> 00:58:41,984 because as of now, you only have one course of action. 825 00:58:42,020 --> 00:58:43,270 Damn straight. 826 00:58:43,313 --> 00:58:45,193 -Find Francis. -Star in horror films. 827 00:58:45,232 --> 00:58:46,192 What? 828 00:58:46,233 --> 00:58:48,443 Star in your own horror films. 829 00:58:48,485 --> 00:58:52,325 Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah. 830 00:58:53,156 --> 00:58:54,906 Here's what I'm actually gonna do. 831 00:58:54,950 --> 00:58:57,620 I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis... 832 00:58:57,661 --> 00:59:00,041 force him to fix this, then put a bullet in his skull... 833 00:59:00,080 --> 00:59:01,750 and fuck the brain hole. 834 00:59:01,790 --> 00:59:04,920 I don't wanna see that or think of it again. 835 00:59:04,960 --> 00:59:07,170 But the douchebag does think you're dead, right? 836 00:59:07,212 --> 00:59:07,922 Yeah. 837 00:59:07,963 --> 00:59:09,843 That's good. You should keep it that way. 838 00:59:09,881 --> 00:59:11,551 What, like, wear a mask? 839 00:59:11,591 --> 00:59:14,551 Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. 840 00:59:15,303 --> 00:59:16,303 I am sorry... 841 00:59:16,346 --> 00:59:18,966 you are haunting. 842 00:59:19,015 --> 00:59:20,925 Your face is the stuff of nightmares. 843 00:59:20,976 --> 00:59:22,346 Like a testicle with teeth. 844 00:59:22,394 --> 00:59:24,154 You will die alone. 845 00:59:24,187 --> 00:59:25,807 I mean, if you could die. 846 00:59:26,439 --> 00:59:28,399 Ideally, for others' sake. 847 00:59:28,441 --> 00:59:29,691 That'll do. 848 00:59:29,985 --> 00:59:31,785 All you need now is a suit and a nickname... 849 00:59:31,820 --> 00:59:33,700 like Wade the Wisecracker... 850 00:59:34,114 --> 00:59:37,244 or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie. 851 00:59:38,118 --> 00:59:39,118 Shit. 852 00:59:39,703 --> 00:59:40,793 What? 853 00:59:41,621 --> 00:59:43,621 I put all my money on you and now... 854 00:59:43,665 --> 00:59:45,255 I just realized I'm never gonna win the... 855 00:59:45,292 --> 00:59:46,172 Dead pool. 856 00:59:50,172 --> 00:59:52,472 Captain Deadpool. 857 00:59:54,342 --> 00:59:55,472 No, just... 858 00:59:55,510 --> 00:59:57,260 -Just Deadpool, yeah. -Just Deadpool. 859 00:59:57,304 --> 00:59:59,264 To you, Mr. Pool. 860 00:59:59,556 --> 01:00:02,056 Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking franchise. 861 01:00:16,656 --> 01:00:18,736 This shit's gonna have nuts in it. 862 01:00:19,826 --> 01:00:20,826 Where's Francis? 863 01:00:35,091 --> 01:00:36,761 Where's Francis? 864 01:00:44,935 --> 01:00:46,855 Seltzer water and lemon for blood. 865 01:00:48,188 --> 01:00:51,108 Or wear red. Dumbass. 866 01:01:09,835 --> 01:01:11,295 Don't make me ask twice. 867 01:01:12,671 --> 01:01:14,051 Where... 868 01:01:14,089 --> 01:01:16,219 is Francis? 869 01:01:16,800 --> 01:01:18,510 He made me ask twice. 870 01:01:18,552 --> 01:01:20,552 Is the mask muffling my voice? 871 01:01:25,350 --> 01:01:26,810 Where's Francis? 872 01:01:29,437 --> 01:01:31,267 Where the fuck is Francis? 873 01:01:39,948 --> 01:01:43,328 You're about to be killed by a Zamboni. 874 01:01:43,368 --> 01:01:44,578 Where's Francis? 875 01:01:45,996 --> 01:01:47,116 No! Please! 876 01:01:47,747 --> 01:01:51,207 Oh, God! I'm so sorry! 877 01:01:51,751 --> 01:01:54,381 You little spider monkey! 878 01:01:57,465 --> 01:02:00,925 Where... is... Francis? 879 01:02:02,095 --> 01:02:03,345 This is confusing. 880 01:02:03,388 --> 01:02:06,348 Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? 881 01:02:06,391 --> 01:02:08,691 I mean, the line gets real... blurry. 882 01:02:09,060 --> 01:02:10,980 WHERE IS FRANCIS? 883 01:02:12,564 --> 01:02:15,824 Tell me where your fucking boss is or you're gonna die! 884 01:02:16,443 --> 01:02:18,073 In five minutes! 885 01:02:28,205 --> 01:02:29,965 Don't hesitate to call me. 886 01:02:45,597 --> 01:02:47,767 Nice to see you, Jared. 887 01:02:48,934 --> 01:02:50,394 I'll take the footlong... 888 01:02:50,894 --> 01:02:51,734 fully loaded. 889 01:03:07,327 --> 01:03:08,947 41 confirmed kills. 890 01:03:08,995 --> 01:03:11,405 Now it's 89. About to be 90. 891 01:03:12,165 --> 01:03:13,455 Mr. Wilson? 892 01:03:15,252 --> 01:03:17,422 You're looking very alive. 893 01:03:18,255 --> 01:03:19,305 Only on the outside. 894 01:03:19,965 --> 01:03:22,885 -This is not going to end well for me, is it? -This is not gonna end well for you, no. 895 01:03:22,926 --> 01:03:24,086 Where's your boss? 896 01:03:24,135 --> 01:03:25,755 I can tell you exactly... 897 01:03:27,472 --> 01:03:29,352 Oh, you'll tell me, but first... 898 01:03:29,933 --> 01:03:32,233 You might wanna look away for this. 899 01:03:32,269 --> 01:03:33,519 Now this little piggy went to... 900 01:03:35,647 --> 01:03:37,937 Thank you, Agent Smith. 901 01:03:41,528 --> 01:03:42,278 Taxi! 902 01:03:44,030 --> 01:03:46,280 Hop in! Great day for a ride. 903 01:03:48,285 --> 01:03:49,665 And we all know how this turned out. 904 01:03:52,622 --> 01:03:54,832 Whoops! You weren't meant to see that. 905 01:04:02,799 --> 01:04:04,629 There. All caught up. 906 01:04:12,559 --> 01:04:14,479 We're here. 907 01:04:15,395 --> 01:04:18,475 Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage. 908 01:04:24,738 --> 01:04:26,818 Seltzer water and lemon for blood. 909 01:04:28,992 --> 01:04:31,542 Some kinds of anger can't be managed... 910 01:04:31,578 --> 01:04:36,668 like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered! 911 01:04:37,334 --> 01:04:41,844 That said, when it comes time to licking wounds, there's no place like home. 912 01:04:42,672 --> 01:04:46,932 And I share that home with someone you've met, the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al. 913 01:04:47,344 --> 01:04:48,894 God, I miss cocaine. 914 01:04:49,513 --> 01:04:50,223 Her. 915 01:04:51,348 --> 01:04:53,928 Fourth-wall break inside a fourth-wall break. 916 01:04:54,184 --> 01:04:56,734 That's like 16 walls. 917 01:04:57,270 --> 01:05:02,690 She's like Robin to my Batman, except she's old, and black, and blind. 918 01:05:02,734 --> 01:05:04,404 And I think she's in love with me. 919 01:05:04,861 --> 01:05:08,241 Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too. 920 01:05:18,250 --> 01:05:19,250 Al? 921 01:05:21,670 --> 01:05:22,920 Morning, sleepyhead. 922 01:05:24,548 --> 01:05:26,718 It smells like old lady pants in here. 923 01:05:26,758 --> 01:05:28,718 Yes, I'm old. I wear pants. 924 01:05:28,760 --> 01:05:30,350 But you're no lady. 925 01:05:31,513 --> 01:05:33,183 So comfy. 926 01:05:33,932 --> 01:05:36,982 Upside of being blind: I've never seen you in Crocs. 927 01:05:37,018 --> 01:05:38,518 You mean my big, rubber masturbating shoes? 928 01:05:38,562 --> 01:05:39,522 Yes, I know. 929 01:05:40,063 --> 01:05:42,733 Downside of being blind... 930 01:05:42,774 --> 01:05:44,944 I hear everything in this duplex. 931 01:05:47,279 --> 01:05:48,529 Sit on a stick. 932 01:05:48,572 --> 01:05:49,572 Bactin? 933 01:05:49,614 --> 01:05:53,704 Yeah. Bactin should do it. 934 01:05:54,911 --> 01:05:58,751 How's that Kullen coming along? IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know. 935 01:05:58,790 --> 01:06:01,750 You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. 936 01:06:01,793 --> 01:06:03,673 It's an improvement on the Hurdal. 937 01:06:04,337 --> 01:06:06,957 Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal. 938 01:06:07,007 --> 01:06:10,507 I'd have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal. 939 01:06:11,636 --> 01:06:13,926 No, I didn't get excited till I saw the Kullen. 940 01:06:14,264 --> 01:06:15,144 Screw, please. 941 01:06:15,182 --> 01:06:16,562 Here? Now? Just kidding. 942 01:06:16,600 --> 01:06:17,810 I know it's been decades. 943 01:06:17,851 --> 01:06:18,981 You'd be surprised. 944 01:06:19,686 --> 01:06:20,766 Pretty grossed out. 945 01:06:22,772 --> 01:06:25,192 Ta... Da. 946 01:06:30,989 --> 01:06:34,119 I wish I never heard of Craigslist. 947 01:06:34,534 --> 01:06:37,164 And I quote, "Looking for roommate, blind to life's imperfections. 948 01:06:37,204 --> 01:06:38,334 "Must be good with hands." 949 01:06:38,371 --> 01:06:40,621 Or would you rather I build the IKEA, and you pay rent? 950 01:06:40,665 --> 01:06:42,535 Why such a douche this morning? 951 01:06:43,293 --> 01:06:44,423 Let's recap. 952 01:06:44,461 --> 01:06:46,801 The cock thistle that turned me into this freak... 953 01:06:46,838 --> 01:06:48,458 slipped through my arms today... 954 01:06:50,133 --> 01:06:51,343 Arm. 955 01:06:51,801 --> 01:06:54,931 Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back... 956 01:06:54,971 --> 01:06:57,271 and prevent this shit from happening to someone else. 957 01:06:57,307 --> 01:07:01,057 So, yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo. 958 01:07:02,979 --> 01:07:04,519 #driveby. 959 01:07:21,998 --> 01:07:23,998 Found out who our friend in the red suit is. 960 01:07:26,336 --> 01:07:28,206 Fucking Wade Wilson. 961 01:07:29,172 --> 01:07:31,512 Suppose I'd wear a mask, too if I had a face like that. 962 01:07:32,175 --> 01:07:33,715 I only wish I healed the same. 963 01:07:37,681 --> 01:07:40,481 Still, we'll put him out of our misery. 964 01:07:40,517 --> 01:07:41,767 On our terms. 965 01:07:42,185 --> 01:07:43,935 Right. And when he heals? 966 01:07:44,938 --> 01:07:46,058 He can't. 967 01:07:46,106 --> 01:07:48,686 Not if there's nothing left of him to heal. 968 01:07:48,733 --> 01:07:52,703 You know, it's funny. I almost miss the fucker. 969 01:07:54,114 --> 01:07:55,534 I like a challenge. 970 01:07:56,867 --> 01:07:59,037 But he's bad for business. 971 01:07:59,077 --> 01:08:00,787 Now let's go find him. 972 01:08:05,250 --> 01:08:06,670 Tylenol PM? 973 01:08:06,710 --> 01:08:09,210 You can stick that where you stuck the Bactin. 974 01:08:09,629 --> 01:08:12,049 I raided my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet... 975 01:08:12,090 --> 01:08:16,050 and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now. 976 01:08:18,889 --> 01:08:20,969 But I appreciate the gesture. 977 01:08:21,892 --> 01:08:26,352 Am I crazy, or is your hand really small? 978 01:08:26,396 --> 01:08:28,146 About the size of a KFC spork. 979 01:08:30,317 --> 01:08:32,527 I get why you're so pissy... 980 01:08:32,569 --> 01:08:35,569 but your mood's never gonna brighten till you find this woman... 981 01:08:35,614 --> 01:08:37,034 and tell her how you feel. 982 01:08:37,073 --> 01:08:40,453 What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. 983 01:08:40,493 --> 01:08:42,203 If you could see me, you'd understand. 984 01:08:42,245 --> 01:08:43,365 Looks aren't everything. 985 01:08:43,413 --> 01:08:44,543 Looks are everything. 986 01:08:44,581 --> 01:08:46,711 You ever heard David Beckham speak? 987 01:08:46,750 --> 01:08:48,750 It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. 988 01:08:49,169 --> 01:08:52,419 Think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method? 989 01:08:52,464 --> 01:08:53,884 Love is blind, Wade. 990 01:08:53,924 --> 01:08:54,594 No. 991 01:08:55,926 --> 01:08:57,176 You're blind. 992 01:08:57,844 --> 01:09:00,764 So, you're just gonna lie there and whimper? 993 01:09:00,805 --> 01:09:02,885 No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty... 994 01:09:02,933 --> 01:09:04,933 and then I'm gonna come up with a whole new Christmas Day plan. 995 01:09:05,852 --> 01:09:08,522 In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. 996 01:09:09,189 --> 01:09:11,609 I bet it feels huge in this hand. 997 01:09:12,943 --> 01:09:15,653 Go, go, go. 998 01:09:16,196 --> 01:09:19,156 So, the doctor says, "The bad news is you don't have that long to live." 999 01:09:19,199 --> 01:09:20,779 So, the patient says, "How long do I have?" 1000 01:09:20,825 --> 01:09:22,735 The doctor says, "Five." 1001 01:09:22,786 --> 01:09:24,406 The guy says, "Five what?" 1002 01:09:24,454 --> 01:09:28,334 The doctor says, "Four, three, two..." 1003 01:09:35,507 --> 01:09:37,047 Can I help you ladies? 1004 01:09:39,636 --> 01:09:40,796 I do hope so. 1005 01:09:45,016 --> 01:09:49,146 I heard you might be able to point me in the direction of a friend of mine. 1006 01:09:49,688 --> 01:09:50,688 Name of Wade Wilson. 1007 01:09:52,232 --> 01:09:53,362 Sorry. 1008 01:09:53,400 --> 01:09:54,980 I don't know the name. 1009 01:10:02,325 --> 01:10:04,655 Hey, you're not supposed to be behind the bar. 1010 01:10:08,373 --> 01:10:10,293 I've seen this girl. 1011 01:10:10,333 --> 01:10:12,843 This must be Vanessa. I've heard so much about you. 1012 01:10:17,591 --> 01:10:19,341 Sweetheart, you might wanna look around. 1013 01:10:19,926 --> 01:10:22,506 This isn't really the place to do something like that. 1014 01:10:23,930 --> 01:10:25,680 Easy, Angel. 1015 01:10:25,724 --> 01:10:27,104 Put the little man down. 1016 01:10:28,685 --> 01:10:30,435 We have everything we need now. 1017 01:10:30,854 --> 01:10:31,904 You sure? 1018 01:10:32,606 --> 01:10:35,686 You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic? 1019 01:10:35,734 --> 01:10:38,404 Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II. 1020 01:10:42,073 --> 01:10:43,783 Thanks for having my back, guys. 1021 01:10:48,788 --> 01:10:53,078 Wade, we have a fucking problem. And by "we," I mean "you." 1022 01:10:53,960 --> 01:10:55,630 I can't believe I'm doing this. 1023 01:10:56,129 --> 01:10:59,009 Is there a word for half afraid, half angry? 1024 01:10:59,049 --> 01:11:01,179 Yeah, "afrangry," I guess. 1025 01:11:01,218 --> 01:11:03,008 Have you decided what you're gonna say to her? 1026 01:11:03,053 --> 01:11:04,053 Fuck me! 1027 01:11:04,387 --> 01:11:06,307 Maybe not start with that. 1028 01:11:12,229 --> 01:11:15,519 Hey, coming onto our stage right now... 1029 01:11:15,565 --> 01:11:17,725 give it up for Chastity! 1030 01:11:21,571 --> 01:11:23,911 Or as I like to call her, Irony. 1031 01:11:23,949 --> 01:11:26,079 Better find her fast before numbnuts does. 1032 01:11:26,117 --> 01:11:27,617 How do you know she's in here? 1033 01:11:27,661 --> 01:11:30,791 Because I'm constantly stalking that fox. 1034 01:11:55,772 --> 01:11:59,282 Every time I see her, it's like the first time... 1035 01:12:00,110 --> 01:12:02,280 Especially from this angle. 1036 01:12:25,802 --> 01:12:29,812 You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes. 1037 01:12:32,851 --> 01:12:35,521 You weak motherfucker! 1038 01:12:36,313 --> 01:12:37,313 Come on! 1039 01:12:38,523 --> 01:12:41,823 Come on, get it together. This isn't about me, this is about Vanessa. 1040 01:12:45,989 --> 01:12:47,319 Here we go. 1041 01:12:49,910 --> 01:12:51,490 Maximum effort. 1042 01:12:55,040 --> 01:12:56,170 Vanessa. 1043 01:12:58,668 --> 01:13:02,838 Someone out back asking for you. Something about an old boyfriend. 1044 01:13:30,200 --> 01:13:31,280 I knew it was you. 1045 01:13:33,119 --> 01:13:35,039 The weird, curvy edges. 1046 01:13:36,623 --> 01:13:38,463 Like a jigsaw puzzle. 1047 01:13:48,552 --> 01:13:50,392 You have Wade Wilson to thank for this. 1048 01:13:59,396 --> 01:14:00,936 Hey. Hey! Where'd she go? 1049 01:14:01,898 --> 01:14:04,438 I saw her head to the back. Go get her, tiger. 1050 01:14:32,470 --> 01:14:34,220 Motherfucker! 1051 01:14:34,264 --> 01:14:36,604 -Wait, wait. Let's... Just... -Cock juggling... 1052 01:14:36,641 --> 01:14:38,561 -We can talk about what we're gonna... -Jiminy! Fuck face! 1053 01:14:38,602 --> 01:14:39,892 Okay, or you can hit that. 1054 01:14:39,936 --> 01:14:41,766 -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Fuck! Fuck! 1055 01:14:41,813 --> 01:14:44,483 -No, no. All right. Hey! -Fuck! Fuck! 1056 01:14:44,941 --> 01:14:45,981 -Fuck! -Hey. 1057 01:14:47,027 --> 01:14:49,107 Relax. Relax. Okay. 1058 01:14:49,154 --> 01:14:50,494 Okay. I think that???�?�?s a good start. 1059 01:14:50,530 --> 01:14:52,620 I'm gonna rip his motherfucking... 1060 01:14:52,657 --> 01:14:53,657 Wait. 1061 01:14:53,700 --> 01:14:55,200 -Find it! Find it. -What? 1062 01:14:55,243 --> 01:14:56,663 -I'm gonna get angry. -Okay. All right. 1063 01:14:57,078 --> 01:14:58,868 All right. Okay. All right. 1064 01:14:58,914 --> 01:15:00,254 Here. This is Vanessa. 1065 01:15:00,290 --> 01:15:02,330 -What? -No, wait. It's Francis. 1066 01:15:02,375 --> 01:15:03,995 He wants you to come to him. 1067 01:15:04,294 --> 01:15:06,464 -What is that? -That's the shit emoji. 1068 01:15:06,838 --> 01:15:08,968 You know, it's the turd with the smiling face and the eyes? 1069 01:15:09,007 --> 01:15:11,337 I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long. 1070 01:15:12,052 --> 01:15:13,262 I need guns. 1071 01:15:13,303 --> 01:15:14,473 Okay, which ones? 1072 01:15:14,513 --> 01:15:15,643 I need all the guns! 1073 01:15:15,680 --> 01:15:16,890 All right. Okay. 1074 01:15:37,577 --> 01:15:39,037 That's about 3,000 rounds. 1075 01:15:39,996 --> 01:15:42,036 We all know what I can do with 12. 1076 01:15:42,457 --> 01:15:44,667 Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap! 1077 01:15:44,709 --> 01:15:45,789 We're downrange. 1078 01:15:47,254 --> 01:15:50,804 I was gonna spend the night assembling the B?�rje, but this is holding my interest. 1079 01:15:51,967 --> 01:15:54,797 I told you, we're going with the Urvaj, not the B?�rje. 1080 01:15:54,845 --> 01:15:56,855 Get it through your head or get out of fuck town. 1081 01:15:56,888 --> 01:15:59,678 Shit. That's all the pieces in the house. 1082 01:15:59,724 --> 01:16:01,484 Nah. Come on. Let's go. Cough it up. 1083 01:16:01,852 --> 01:16:03,352 Up, up, up. 1084 01:16:04,771 --> 01:16:05,901 Down, down, down. 1085 01:16:05,939 --> 01:16:06,649 Fuck you. 1086 01:16:08,775 --> 01:16:11,485 .45 cal. I like it. 1087 01:16:13,655 --> 01:16:14,915 Wade... 1088 01:16:16,116 --> 01:16:18,826 I'd go with you, but I don't want to. 1089 01:16:23,373 --> 01:16:24,543 Listen, Al... 1090 01:16:25,625 --> 01:16:30,795 if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. 1091 01:16:31,715 --> 01:16:36,845 And also, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine buried somewhere in the apartment... 1092 01:16:36,887 --> 01:16:39,677 right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck. 1093 01:16:45,187 --> 01:16:46,477 You wanna get fucked up? 1094 01:16:56,573 --> 01:16:58,073 Put her down over here. 1095 01:17:08,293 --> 01:17:09,503 Go on then. 1096 01:17:11,922 --> 01:17:14,512 Thanks, dickless. And I mean you. 1097 01:17:14,966 --> 01:17:18,296 Wow. You're a talker too. You and Wade. 1098 01:17:18,345 --> 01:17:21,605 I've been trying to tell you assholes, you've got the wrong girl. 1099 01:17:21,640 --> 01:17:23,180 My old boyfriend, he's dead. 1100 01:17:23,225 --> 01:17:26,895 See, I thought that too. But he keeps on coming back. 1101 01:17:26,937 --> 01:17:28,267 Like a cockroach... 1102 01:17:28,313 --> 01:17:29,613 but uglier. 1103 01:17:30,649 --> 01:17:34,109 Now, I may not feel, but he does. 1104 01:17:35,195 --> 01:17:37,075 Let's see how he fights with your head on the block. 1105 01:17:45,997 --> 01:17:47,497 Ripley, from Alien 3! 1106 01:17:48,124 --> 01:17:49,964 Fuck, you're old. 1107 01:17:51,628 --> 01:17:54,088 Fake laugh. Hiding real pain. 1108 01:17:54,130 --> 01:17:55,510 Go get Silver Balls. 1109 01:17:55,549 --> 01:17:57,799 You guys going for a bite? Early bird special? 1110 01:17:57,843 --> 01:18:00,353 Like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. 1111 01:18:00,804 --> 01:18:04,144 No, you know that bad guy that you let go? 1112 01:18:04,724 --> 01:18:06,644 He's got my girl. 1113 01:18:06,685 --> 01:18:08,065 You're gonna help me get her back. 1114 01:18:08,478 --> 01:18:10,308 Wade? Is that you? 1115 01:18:10,355 --> 01:18:14,775 Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse. 1116 01:18:17,487 --> 01:18:18,647 I'm gonna wait out here, okay? 1117 01:18:18,697 --> 01:18:20,777 It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. 1118 01:18:20,824 --> 01:18:24,124 It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man. 1119 01:18:27,664 --> 01:18:29,124 And that is why, in my opinion... 1120 01:18:29,165 --> 01:18:32,375 the movie Cocoon is pure pornography. 1121 01:18:32,878 --> 01:18:34,668 Who brought this twinkly man? 1122 01:18:34,713 --> 01:18:36,803 Twinkly, but deadly. 1123 01:18:36,840 --> 01:18:40,890 My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. 1124 01:18:41,469 --> 01:18:45,469 In exchange, I said that I would consider joining his boy band. 1125 01:18:45,515 --> 01:18:46,805 It's not boy band. 1126 01:18:46,850 --> 01:18:47,890 Sure it's not. 1127 01:18:49,227 --> 01:18:50,897 So, any luck winning Gita back? 1128 01:18:51,688 --> 01:18:54,148 I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool... 1129 01:18:54,191 --> 01:18:57,821 but Bandhu is more craftier and handsomer than me. 1130 01:18:58,486 --> 01:19:00,196 Well, I think you're pretty darn cute. 1131 01:19:06,077 --> 01:19:07,077 Dopinder? 1132 01:19:09,039 --> 01:19:10,039 What was that? 1133 01:19:12,083 --> 01:19:17,713 That was Bandhu in the trunk. 1134 01:19:18,381 --> 01:19:19,671 Ban who? 1135 01:19:19,716 --> 01:19:22,506 My romantic rival Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk. 1136 01:19:22,552 --> 01:19:24,222 I'm doing as you said, DP. 1137 01:19:24,262 --> 01:19:28,062 I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish, then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep. 1138 01:19:29,392 --> 01:19:31,062 I did not tell him to do that. 1139 01:19:31,102 --> 01:19:33,812 Absolutely not. It got lost in translation. 1140 01:19:33,855 --> 01:19:37,065 Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita's heart back! 1141 01:19:37,108 --> 01:19:38,228 I'm so proud of you. 1142 01:19:38,276 --> 01:19:40,566 Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like. 1143 01:19:40,612 --> 01:19:41,532 Kill him. 1144 01:19:41,571 --> 01:19:43,701 And then, win Gita back... 1145 01:19:43,740 --> 01:19:46,530 the old fashioned way: with your boyish charm. 1146 01:19:46,576 --> 01:19:47,906 Kidnap her. 1147 01:19:49,454 --> 01:19:50,624 He's super dead. 1148 01:19:56,086 --> 01:19:57,706 I presume a crisp high five? 1149 01:19:57,754 --> 01:19:59,094 For you? 10. 1150 01:20:00,590 --> 01:20:03,380 Okay, guys, let's get out there and make a difference. 1151 01:20:03,426 --> 01:20:05,296 You know what to do. 1152 01:20:06,263 --> 01:20:08,893 Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy! 1153 01:20:10,100 --> 01:20:12,100 Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas. 1154 01:20:13,603 --> 01:20:15,233 Not often a dude ruins your face... 1155 01:20:15,272 --> 01:20:18,232 skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama... 1156 01:20:18,275 --> 01:20:22,455 and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. 1157 01:20:22,487 --> 01:20:26,657 Let's just say, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. 1158 01:20:39,629 --> 01:20:40,959 Hey. 1159 01:20:41,006 --> 01:20:42,296 Where's your duffle bag? 1160 01:21:01,151 --> 01:21:02,571 Bandhu? 1161 01:21:04,112 --> 01:21:06,242 Leave a message and have a happy day. 1162 01:21:06,281 --> 01:21:07,621 God damn it! 1163 01:21:07,657 --> 01:21:09,367 I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way... 1164 01:21:09,409 --> 01:21:12,829 with two swords and maximum effort. 1165 01:21:13,830 --> 01:21:14,830 Cue the music. 1166 01:21:31,014 --> 01:21:33,474 Wade Wilson! 1167 01:21:34,017 --> 01:21:35,637 What's my name? 1168 01:21:36,269 --> 01:21:37,849 I'mma fuckin' spell it out for ya. 1169 01:21:40,190 --> 01:21:41,270 Go get some. 1170 01:21:41,316 --> 01:21:42,476 Superhero landing. 1171 01:21:42,526 --> 01:21:44,526 She's gonna do a superhero landing. Wait for it. 1172 01:21:49,157 --> 01:21:50,317 Superhero landing! 1173 01:21:50,867 --> 01:21:51,947 You know, that's really hard on your knees. 1174 01:21:52,285 --> 01:21:53,695 Totally impractical. They all do it. 1175 01:21:54,204 --> 01:21:57,504 You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. 1176 01:21:57,541 --> 01:21:58,751 That's why I brought him. 1177 01:21:58,792 --> 01:22:02,002 I prefer not to hit a woman, so please... 1178 01:22:09,219 --> 01:22:12,309 I mean, that's why I brought her? 1179 01:22:13,849 --> 01:22:16,019 Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... 1180 01:22:16,059 --> 01:22:17,639 Just give us a second. Yeah. 1181 01:22:17,686 --> 01:22:19,016 There you go. Hashtag it. 1182 01:22:20,397 --> 01:22:22,227 Go get her, tiger. 1183 01:22:28,905 --> 01:22:32,655 I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex. 1184 01:22:33,368 --> 01:22:34,908 All right, then. Fire! 1185 01:22:46,673 --> 01:22:48,303 Finish fucking her the fuck up! 1186 01:22:48,341 --> 01:22:49,381 Language, please. 1187 01:22:49,426 --> 01:22:50,586 Suck a cock. 1188 01:23:16,620 --> 01:23:18,290 Look away, child. 1189 01:23:19,039 --> 01:23:20,369 Look away! 1190 01:23:27,714 --> 01:23:29,054 Wait! 1191 01:23:29,090 --> 01:23:30,260 Wait! 1192 01:23:30,300 --> 01:23:31,300 Cease fire! 1193 01:23:31,343 --> 01:23:32,683 Cease fire! 1194 01:23:32,719 --> 01:23:34,179 Fellas! Hey! Hey! 1195 01:23:35,555 --> 01:23:39,265 You only work for that shit-spackled muppet fart. 1196 01:23:39,309 --> 01:23:43,349 So, I'mma give you a chance for y'all to lay down your firearms... 1197 01:23:43,396 --> 01:23:46,396 in exchange for preferential, bordering on gentle... 1198 01:23:46,441 --> 01:23:49,901 possibly even lover-like treatment. 1199 01:23:51,947 --> 01:23:53,237 Fine. 1200 01:23:53,281 --> 01:23:54,201 Commando! 1201 01:25:06,396 --> 01:25:07,306 Teabag! 1202 01:25:11,902 --> 01:25:12,862 Bob? 1203 01:25:13,945 --> 01:25:14,895 Wade? 1204 01:25:14,946 --> 01:25:16,236 Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since... 1205 01:25:16,281 --> 01:25:18,571 -Jacksonville. Fridays. -Since TGI Fridays. 1206 01:25:19,367 --> 01:25:21,077 Well, what the hell! 1207 01:25:21,661 --> 01:25:23,161 God, come here, you. 1208 01:25:25,332 --> 01:25:27,292 How are the kids? Good? 1209 01:25:27,834 --> 01:25:29,754 And Gail? She's still fixing that tuna casserole? 1210 01:25:29,794 --> 01:25:32,594 So good! But bad for the waistline, if you know what I'm talking about. 1211 01:25:39,304 --> 01:25:42,644 Your... On the left. You are beautiful woman. 1212 01:25:42,682 --> 01:25:43,732 That is so sweet. 1213 01:25:45,185 --> 01:25:46,105 Thanks. 1214 01:25:58,365 --> 01:26:01,955 Does he write you notes too? He's such a romantic. 1215 01:26:02,327 --> 01:26:03,697 Don't worry, baby. I'm comin'. 1216 01:26:05,330 --> 01:26:06,120 Fire! 1217 01:26:13,713 --> 01:26:15,173 Hey! 1218 01:26:15,507 --> 01:26:16,467 Climb on! 1219 01:26:53,503 --> 01:26:55,053 Motherfucking... 1220 01:27:06,433 --> 01:27:08,893 Motherfucker should have worn his brown pants. 1221 01:27:11,688 --> 01:27:12,858 You were right, beautiful. 1222 01:27:13,732 --> 01:27:15,442 Red really is my color. 1223 01:27:16,359 --> 01:27:17,319 Wade? 1224 01:27:17,360 --> 01:27:18,240 Don't worry, baby... 1225 01:27:18,695 --> 01:27:20,695 I'mma get you out of that shit-box. 1226 01:27:21,198 --> 01:27:23,408 What better way to crawl back inside that head of yours? 1227 01:27:23,450 --> 01:27:25,370 Oh, you never left. 1228 01:27:25,410 --> 01:27:27,540 But you did, asshole! 1229 01:27:27,579 --> 01:27:29,039 Deep breath, darling. 1230 01:27:30,582 --> 01:27:31,712 Oh, wait. 1231 01:27:32,834 --> 01:27:34,384 Wrong choice of words. 1232 01:27:36,588 --> 01:27:39,468 I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve. 1233 01:27:39,508 --> 01:27:40,588 'Cause I'mma go lookin'! 1234 01:27:42,010 --> 01:27:44,050 I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade. 1235 01:27:44,554 --> 01:27:45,434 When I'm finished... 1236 01:27:45,680 --> 01:27:47,520 parts will have to grow back you. 1237 01:27:47,557 --> 01:27:48,677 Good one. 1238 01:27:49,601 --> 01:27:51,521 Yep, that was a good one. 1239 01:27:51,561 --> 01:27:52,521 Let's dance. 1240 01:27:53,897 --> 01:27:55,147 And by dance, I mean... 1241 01:27:55,190 --> 01:27:56,270 let's try to kill each other. 1242 01:28:50,954 --> 01:28:53,164 Fine. Fists. 1243 01:28:53,456 --> 01:28:55,286 Sounds like your last Saturday night. 1244 01:30:17,207 --> 01:30:19,287 Asshole! 1245 01:31:15,640 --> 01:31:16,640 Hang in there, baby! 1246 01:31:17,142 --> 01:31:19,102 -Wade! -I gotcha! 1247 01:31:22,522 --> 01:31:24,482 I got a plan. You're not gonna like it. 1248 01:31:35,118 --> 01:31:36,238 Shit! Shit! Shit! 1249 01:31:42,209 --> 01:31:44,709 Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this. 1250 01:32:00,727 --> 01:32:01,807 Damn it! 1251 01:32:02,729 --> 01:32:05,609 Maximum effort! 1252 01:32:47,941 --> 01:32:48,941 Thanks. 1253 01:32:53,864 --> 01:32:55,534 Just take it slow. 1254 01:33:05,959 --> 01:33:08,589 Oh, my God! That was so... 1255 01:33:39,618 --> 01:33:41,198 There are no words! 1256 01:33:42,245 --> 01:33:45,865 Me and you are headed to fix this butterface. 1257 01:33:46,625 --> 01:33:47,635 What? 1258 01:33:50,170 --> 01:33:52,880 You stupid fucking idiot. 1259 01:33:53,423 --> 01:33:57,973 Did you really think there was a cure... for that? 1260 01:33:59,888 --> 01:34:00,808 What? 1261 01:34:01,264 --> 01:34:02,354 You heard me. 1262 01:34:04,142 --> 01:34:05,312 No. 1263 01:34:05,352 --> 01:34:06,602 No! 1264 01:34:13,777 --> 01:34:16,777 So, you mean to say... 1265 01:34:17,572 --> 01:34:21,832 after all this, you can't fix me? 1266 01:34:22,410 --> 01:34:24,540 It sounds even stupider when you say it. 1267 01:34:24,579 --> 01:34:29,669 Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for? 1268 01:34:33,505 --> 01:34:35,345 Any last words? 1269 01:34:37,217 --> 01:34:38,297 What's my name? 1270 01:34:39,427 --> 01:34:40,717 Who fucking cares? 1271 01:34:40,762 --> 01:34:41,552 Wade! 1272 01:34:43,181 --> 01:34:45,561 Four or five moments. 1273 01:34:46,142 --> 01:34:47,142 I'm sorry? 1274 01:34:47,185 --> 01:34:49,555 Four or five moments, that's all it takes. 1275 01:34:50,272 --> 01:34:51,152 To? 1276 01:34:52,315 --> 01:34:53,645 Be a hero. 1277 01:34:55,652 --> 01:34:58,402 Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. 1278 01:34:58,446 --> 01:35:02,026 Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, go to work a hero. 1279 01:35:02,826 --> 01:35:04,616 Not true. 1280 01:35:04,661 --> 01:35:09,831 Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. 1281 01:35:10,208 --> 01:35:12,708 Moments when you're offered a choice. 1282 01:35:12,752 --> 01:35:16,922 To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend... 1283 01:35:17,716 --> 01:35:20,336 spare an enemy. 1284 01:35:20,760 --> 01:35:22,140 In these moments... 1285 01:35:22,929 --> 01:35:25,809 everything else falls away. 1286 01:35:26,516 --> 01:35:29,056 The way the world sees us. 1287 01:35:29,436 --> 01:35:30,436 The way we... 1288 01:35:34,691 --> 01:35:35,691 Why? 1289 01:35:36,943 --> 01:35:38,993 You were droning on. 1290 01:35:39,029 --> 01:35:42,069 Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread... 1291 01:35:42,115 --> 01:35:44,905 but at least fuckface won't heal from that. 1292 01:35:45,160 --> 01:35:47,790 If wearing superhero tights... 1293 01:35:48,246 --> 01:35:49,706 means sparing psychopaths... 1294 01:35:49,748 --> 01:35:51,918 then maybe I wasn't meant to wear 'em. 1295 01:35:51,958 --> 01:35:54,418 Not everyone monitors a hall like you. 1296 01:35:54,461 --> 01:35:55,631 Just promise... 1297 01:35:55,670 --> 01:35:59,420 Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the lookout for the next four moments. 1298 01:35:59,466 --> 01:36:01,086 Oh, shit. 1299 01:36:01,134 --> 01:36:07,104 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a boy, about to stand in front of a girl... 1300 01:36:07,140 --> 01:36:08,470 and tell her... 1301 01:36:08,517 --> 01:36:10,597 What the fuck am I gonna tell her? 1302 01:36:10,644 --> 01:36:13,904 Well, you better figure it out. 1303 01:36:15,357 --> 01:36:16,647 I can't even tell you... 1304 01:36:16,691 --> 01:36:17,781 I deserved that. That, too. 1305 01:36:18,527 --> 01:36:20,277 No, no, no, maybe not the nethers. 1306 01:36:20,320 --> 01:36:22,110 Start talking! 1307 01:36:24,157 --> 01:36:25,737 I'm sorry. 1308 01:36:25,992 --> 01:36:27,452 I'm so sorry. 1309 01:36:28,286 --> 01:36:30,826 For everything, I'm sorry for leaving... 1310 01:36:32,332 --> 01:36:34,422 I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner. 1311 01:36:34,459 --> 01:36:36,539 It's been rough couple of years. 1312 01:36:36,586 --> 01:36:37,246 Rough? 1313 01:36:45,053 --> 01:36:46,893 I live in a crackhouse. 1314 01:36:48,139 --> 01:36:49,469 With a family of 12. 1315 01:36:51,226 --> 01:36:52,766 Every night we spoon for warmth. 1316 01:36:52,811 --> 01:36:55,861 Everybody fights for Noelle. She's the fattest. 1317 01:36:55,897 --> 01:37:01,737 There's nothing that we don't share. Floor space, dental floss, even condoms. 1318 01:37:09,870 --> 01:37:12,040 So, you live in a house. 1319 01:37:20,881 --> 01:37:23,841 I should have come and found you sooner. 1320 01:37:25,302 --> 01:37:29,262 But, baby, the guy under this mask, he ain't the same one that you remember. 1321 01:37:33,643 --> 01:37:34,853 You mean this mask? 1322 01:37:54,998 --> 01:37:56,578 And this one. 1323 01:37:58,043 --> 01:37:59,843 In case the other fell off. 1324 01:38:02,797 --> 01:38:05,087 All right. Yeah, just... 1325 01:38:05,133 --> 01:38:06,843 Like a Band-Aid, just give it a... 1326 01:38:06,885 --> 01:38:09,105 Owdie 5,000. 1327 01:38:09,137 --> 01:38:10,097 Wait, wait, wait... 1328 01:38:12,057 --> 01:38:13,307 Are you sure? 1329 01:38:15,185 --> 01:38:16,195 I'm sure. 1330 01:38:26,696 --> 01:38:27,566 Wow. 1331 01:38:28,949 --> 01:38:30,069 Yeah. 1332 01:38:36,998 --> 01:38:38,328 Hey... 1333 01:38:40,585 --> 01:38:42,335 After a brief adjustment period... 1334 01:38:42,879 --> 01:38:44,799 and a bunch of drinks... 1335 01:38:46,216 --> 01:38:48,176 it's a face... 1336 01:38:52,639 --> 01:38:54,269 I'd be happy to sit on. 1337 01:39:01,731 --> 01:39:05,441 I'm not the same underneath this suit, either. 1338 01:39:05,485 --> 01:39:06,275 No. 1339 01:39:06,820 --> 01:39:08,780 Super-penis. 1340 01:39:08,822 --> 01:39:10,702 Come on, Wade. Language. 1341 01:39:10,949 --> 01:39:12,329 Young one is present. 1342 01:39:13,410 --> 01:39:15,290 What are you still doing? 1343 01:39:15,328 --> 01:39:18,038 Get out of here. Go make yourself useful! 1344 01:39:18,081 --> 01:39:20,881 You, go be a really big brother to someone. 1345 01:39:20,917 --> 01:39:22,667 Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. 1346 01:39:22,711 --> 01:39:24,671 And you, chicken noodle... 1347 01:39:24,713 --> 01:39:26,513 nothing compares to you. 1348 01:39:26,548 --> 01:39:28,628 Sin?�?(Copyright)ad O'Connor, 1990. Sorry. 1349 01:39:28,675 --> 01:39:31,385 That's all right. You're cool. 1350 01:39:33,305 --> 01:39:35,015 What in the ass? 1351 01:39:35,056 --> 01:39:38,096 That was not mean! I'm proud of you! 1352 01:39:38,518 --> 01:39:41,688 We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade. 1353 01:39:41,730 --> 01:39:44,860 For a second there, it felt like we were three mini-lion robots... 1354 01:39:44,900 --> 01:39:47,110 coming together to form one super robot. 1355 01:39:47,986 --> 01:39:49,196 There's a stupid. 1356 01:39:49,237 --> 01:39:50,277 Yeah. 1357 01:39:53,742 --> 01:39:58,122 And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for. 1358 01:40:01,875 --> 01:40:03,005 Come here. 1359 01:40:12,886 --> 01:40:15,846 Wham! As promised. 1360 01:40:28,902 --> 01:40:30,072 See? 1361 01:40:30,111 --> 01:40:33,701 You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. 1362 01:40:33,740 --> 01:40:36,620 The right girl will bring out the hero in you. 1363 01:40:37,118 --> 01:40:40,618 Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out. 1364 01:40:40,664 --> 01:40:42,254 There we go, that looks nice. 1365 01:40:42,290 --> 01:40:44,670 That's gonna be about the only thing that's pulling out tonight. 1366 01:40:44,709 --> 01:40:48,089 Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? 1367 01:40:48,129 --> 01:40:51,969 Till next time, this is your friendly neighborhood pool guy singing... 1368 01:40:52,008 --> 01:40:57,888 I'm never gonna dance again the way I danced with you 1369 01:47:07,843 --> 01:47:09,393 You're still here? 1370 01:47:12,013 --> 01:47:15,063 It's over. Go home. 1371 01:47:16,726 --> 01:47:21,056 You're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. 1372 01:47:22,107 --> 01:47:25,147 What are you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up? 1373 01:47:25,193 --> 01:47:27,863 With an eye patch and a saucy little leather number? 1374 01:47:27,904 --> 01:47:29,534 Go. Go. 1375 01:47:35,787 --> 01:47:38,327 But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret. 1376 01:47:38,373 --> 01:47:41,583 For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. 1377 01:47:41,626 --> 01:47:44,046 Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. 1378 01:47:44,087 --> 01:47:46,377 We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody. 1379 01:47:46,423 --> 01:47:49,723 Just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren... 1380 01:47:49,759 --> 01:47:52,259 Keira Knightley. She's got range. Who knows. 1381 01:47:52,304 --> 01:47:53,724 Anyway, big secret. 1382 01:47:53,763 --> 01:47:58,273 And don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. 1383 01:47:59,227 --> 01:48:00,267 Go. 99709