Original subtitles

♪♪

♪

[upbeat music playing]

[sighs] Theater night.

The one night a month we come together, watch our stories,

and forget all our horrible, horrible troubles.

[all sigh]

Now who wants popcorn?

-Oh, me, me! -I do!

[both] My seat!

[chanting] Theater night, theater night!

Oh! Right in the middle!

-Dibs! -[Polly] That seat is mine!

Not if I get there first.

Oh! [gasps]

Boom!

No fair. You have appendages.

Tut-tut. Sprig, give Polly the seat.

Say what? Come on, Hop Pop.

I got here first. [grunts]

That's what older brothers do, Sprig.

They look out for their little sisters.

Now, move that rump over to that stump.

[gasps]

[groans]

Bummer, dude.

[sighs] It's just not fair.

Just because she's a little younger,

she always gets special treatment.

I'm an only child, so I don't relate.

All my parents' attention was focused on me.

And it was... awesome.

-[blows raspberry] Lucky you. -All right, now.

Everybody settle down. I have some bad news.

The acting troupe had to cancel on account of...

well, being eaten on the way here.

[booing]

We need our stories!

Hold up, everyone.

I have something that might work.

It's called a "movie."

It's like a play, but totally better.

-[crowd murmuring] -[man] A movie.

-Thanks, Tad, local glass artisan. -Yep.

Okay, so tonight I'm going to be showing the timeless classic Love Choice,

which has always been one of my favorites because--

Just start the movie!

[laughs] You got it.

[phone beeps]

-Dang it. -[phone beeps]

[narrator] In the not so distant future,

three grounded yet supernatural teens

must navigate their feelings

if they hope to survive.

-Wait, how could they be both grounded and supernatural? -[shushes]

Oh, Hunter. I know that together we'll make it through this nightmare.

Constance, my cybernetic abs belong to you and you alone.

-[techno music plays] -[crowd murmurs]

Hmm, Polly likey.

I know I said I liked Hunter,

but I can't help but be drawn to you as well, Alastair.

May I sing you the traditional song of my people?

[shrieking]

I like this Alastair.

He's ethereal, yet approachable.

It is now time for me to make my love choice.

I choose... I choose...

-[bird shrieks] -[screams]

Constance!

-[flute music] -We must go after her!

[both] I'll save you, Constance!

[narrator] To be continued...

-[audience gasps] -What?

-That was the end? -Who did she pick?

I'm so frustrated right now!

Believe me, guys. Been there.

They are making a sequel, Love Choice 2, but it's not out yet.

I'll tell you who she picks!

Hunter! He's a beefcake.

What? She should pick Alastair. He's a thinker.

A dreamer.

[crowd clamoring]

[Polly] Listen up!

I don't even want to live

in a town with someone who likes Alastair.

Well, I don't want to live in a town with someone who likes Hunter.

That does it!

Everybody who chooses Hunter, get behind me!

-Yeah! -He looks strong.

He's so attractive.

Well, anyone who likes Alastair

can get behind me.

-Alastair's my man! -Definitely Alastair.

-Excuse me, pardon me. -Hey!

Sprig, just let Polly win this one,

before things get even worse.

Sorry, Hop Pop. But I've had it with this pollywog

and her special treatment.

We ain't backing down!

This means war!

[crowd shouting indistinctly]

I have a bad feeling about this.

Eh, I'm sure by morning clearer heads will prevail.

Or, you know, not.

I don't believe this. The town is split right down the middle.

[all chanting] Hail Alastair!

Hmm...

[all chanting] Hail Hunter!

Hmm...

This is just like an Internet message board...

but IRL.

Were things on this "Internet"

resolved in peaceful and civilized ways?

See for yourself, dude.

Oh, gosh.

I forgot my house is over in Alastairtown.

-Ow! Ow! -Take that, you stinking Hunterite.

[laughs]

[laughing]

If we don't do something fast,

this whole town is going to tear itself apart.

Polly and Sprig are the ringleaders.

If we can just get them to get along, we'll be fine.

[shrieking]

-Amazing, Leader Sprig. -You have the voice of an angel.

Deer Sprig, you have a visitor.

Should we throw her in the deer prison?

No, no. It's okay. Thank you, Deer Stumpy and Deer Croaker.

-Take five, deer friends. -[all] Mmm.

Anne, great to see ya.

Are you here to join our deer choir?

Nope. I'm here to tell you

this dumb feud with Polly is dumb.

And you need to end it.

Just let her have this one, dude.

You're an only child, Anne.

You don't understand.

I'm always giving up things for Polly.

Well, no more! The only way to end this

is if Polly submits to me!

-But-- -We're done here.

-Ha! -[groans] Got you.

Oh, come on. This isn't cool, Sprig.

This isn't cool!

That's Deer Sprig to you.

And stay out of Alastairville.

Anne! Polly's not budging. She won't even see Sprig till he surrenders.

Not only that, but they graffitied my tum-tum.

-Any luck on your end? -Nope.

How are those kids supposed to make up

if they won't even see one another?

I know, right? We've got to get them together.

But how...

Hey, Hop Pop. You ever play capture the flag?

So I named my kid Alastair last night.

Wow, you're a good dad.

[snickering]

Personally, my favorite thing about Alastair

-is how he's not afraid to cry. -[screams]

No! She's stealing the sacred flag!

Quick, sound the alarm!

[panting] Uh-oh.

[man] Chief Polly, an old man is climbing the flagpole.

Somebody get him!

For Hunter!

Ha! Got it!

[laughs] Anne, you did it!

-Got you! -[gasps]

For Hunter!

Eh, he'll be fine.

Whee!

[panting] No Hop Pop yet.

-Oh, man. I hope he was able to get the flag-- -Watch out!

-Whoo! Both flags captured! -Now what?

Now this.

[crowd clamoring]

Ha ha! Tricked you all!

Now that you're face-to-face, how about discussing this like civilized--

-Whoa! -So, older brother,

you here to finally admit I'm right

and surrender to the... Hunter tribe?

-Death first! -Then perish!

[all grunting]

-[groans] -Take this, you brutes!

Well, at least we brought them together to clear the air, right?

-Too bad they couldn't-- -[gasps] Aah!

Retreat, my dear brethren!

[laughs] After those wimpy deer cowards!

[crowd] Hail Hunter!

Wait...

Something's off.

-Aah! -Ow!

It's a trap!

[laughing] Ambush!

[panting, grunting]

You lose, Polly. Looks like your special treatment couldn't help you this time.

Now just surrender--

Enough talk! Let her have it!

Uh, what?

Incoming!

[shouting]

[Hop Pop's voice] That's what older brothers do, Sprig.

They look out for their little sisters.

[shudders]

Uh...

What have I done?

[distorted] No!

-[splattering] -[grunting]

-[crowd gasping] -[Sprig groans]

[crying] Why, Sprig? I don't understand.

Why?

Because seeing you in danger made me realize...

it doesn't matter what's there.

What matters is that I'm here to take care of you.

We surrender, Polly. [coughs]

We... surrender.

Bro... brother. No...

No!

[crying]

Hoo! All right, folks. Pack it in, we're done.

Yeah, this thing is pretty played out.

-[crowd cheering] -Wait, what?

Glad I finally got a chance to use this bad boy.

Now, that was exciting.

You guys were at each other's throats

just a second ago.

Are you seriously over this already?

Oh, that's just the way we are, Anne.

You should have seen last year's

avocados versus almonds fiasco.

We almost tore this place to the ground.

Whew, good thing it's over. I don't even remember what we were fighting about.

I can't believe we almost killed each other over a work of fiction.

I know, right?

Can we watch another one?

Hmm...

[Polly] Hey, Sprig! Over here!

-I saved you a spot. -And I brought you some sweets.

You're a good older brother, Sprig.

Aww, well, ain't that nice.

Now scooch over. I need a seat.

[Anne] Hello, everyone!

For tonight, I've picked a conflict-free independent film

called My Dinner with Anders.

-But before we start, a little context. -[crowd] Just start the movie!

-[laughs] You got it. -[phone beeps]