Original subtitles

You look so good. I'm in danger

of suffering a penile injury in my pants.

- Should I move my foot? - I swear to God,

I would paper cut my own eyelid for a wet willy from ya.

You've got a style all your own, Shoresy.

Well, it got me the hottest girl in Sudbury.

Let's fuckin' go. - But that kinda sweet talk

doesn't work on me anymore. - Why? Huh?

Huh? 'Cause you told Wayne Gretzky

you'd let him close an elevator door on your nuts.

I'd let The Great One sauce pucks into my teeth.

That's fuckin' 99. - Let's get serious.

- I'm super serious. - These are my terms.

Oh my God.

- You can stay over... - Mm-hmm.

... on nights I don't have my kid.

I already stay over on nights you don't have your kid.

While we work our way up to you staying over on nights

I do have my kid.

So, we're working our way up to me staying over on nights

you don't have your kid and also...

Nights I do have my kid.

So, we're working our way up to...

- Moving in together. - Yeah!

Yes!

- Sit down, Shoresy. - Yeah!

Eddie said sit down!

Oh, my God, you've made me the happiest girl alive.

- I'm ready for this. - We're gonna have so much fun.

We're gonna stay up late, we'll drink pop.

- But-- - We'll watch wrestling.

I want my kid to let me know when he's ready for this.

Then we wait for the kid.

- So, this is cool? - What?

I don't know, my friends say I'm slow playing you too much.

You talk to your friends about me?

Yeah, and they still can't believe I'm dating a slut.

What do you say?

I say you do nice things for me.

Well, fine, I'll buy ya breakfast,

but it's your turn and that's your rule, not mine.

I think you'd do just about anything for me.

Wanna see if I can swallow that salt shaker?

I say you keep me entertained.

Well I'm crazy about ya

and I don't care who knows it, Eddie!

Okay, Shoresy.

You make my life easier.

What do you say?

- Don't. - Don't what? What do you say?

Just like, how good it feels to like... feel something.

What are you doing?

To feel something like... real.

- Stop that. - I was startin' to think

maybe I never would. - I will kick you in your nuts.

People say manifesting is stupid, it's silly.

Okay, I know you're joking, but this is so dumb,

I won't even joke about it. - But I did it.

Did what, manifested something?

What did you manifest?

♪ So give me your eyes ♪

♪ I need sunshine ♪

♪ Give me your eyes ♪

♪ I need sunshine ♪

They're unbeatable.

That's the media narrative.

- Okay. - They're seven and O.

- Ex-pro. - Every one of 'em

drafted to the show. - Their average height is 6'5".

They're killing everybody.

- Average height. - Their goalie won Olympic gold.

These guys are monsters.

How do you eat an entire elephant?

- I dunno. - One bite at a time.

You think the Bulldogs can beat the EU All-Stars?

- No. - No?

- No way. - Bro.

Then what are we fuckin' doing here?

Then what are we fuckin' doing here?

Hangin' tight for your good idea, Shoresy.

We form the NOSHO All-Stars.

- That's not gonna do it. - Plus some other guys.

The NOSHO All-Stars?

Plus some other guys, yeah.

We have to market this shit, Shoresy.

You really wanna run with the NOSHO All-Stars

plus some other guys? - No.

- Then what? - The EU All-Stars versus...

- The NOSHO North Stars. - Bingo.

- It's perfect. - What do you think?

- I really don't care. - Who?

What? Who?

- Huh? - Oh, my God.

- Who're the other guys? - I'll have your roster

by end of week. - Where they coming in from?

- North America. - Well that narrows it down.

Did you not give it its kibble this morning?

Fuck you, Shoresy.

Like, one of you must keep some extra pellets

in your pocket by now, no?

And you're certain these guys from North America

will get on a plane to Sudbury for this?

To play a team of Euros

they're saying is better at our game than we are?

- Yes. - They'd walk.

- How can we help? - Actually, I'll need to borrow

your service dog for this first call.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Emotional support animal

or whatever. Okay, Shoresy.

But first can you give it some fuckin' chow?

Who do you need me to call, slut?

And if you throw some white rice in there,

it won't be so farty. - Who is he talking... oh.

Oh, my God.

Gorgeous Gord Gallant.

- Fancy seeing you here. To what do I owe the pleasure?

- It's gonna be a real long road if you wanna talk

like a fruit, Gord.

- Twice in two days, Ziigwan.

How'd I get so lucky?

What does he mean twice in two days?

- What does he mean-- - Huh?

I banged him on Zoom last night.

Ew!

- It was a first for me.

- Not for me. - On this computer?

- We are assembling a team to play the EU All-Stars.

- Whoa, those guys are bigger than me.

Can you fly here this week? To play on the team?

No, to bake muffins.

- I'd walk. - Told ya.

- You'd better bring some fuckin' Gatorade, Gord.

- Yeah, bring her a pigs ear or two. She loves those.

- Fuck you, Shoresy.

Oh hey, can you hang out for the next call here?

- Why? - 'Cause you're the only one

I've ever seen communicate successfully with them.

Who?

- The Freezer Twins. - Yes?

- Guys, have you heard of this EU All-Star team

that's over here killing everybody?

- Yes. - When?

- You were at McDonald's.

- We're putting together a team to play them.

- Where? - Here.

- When? - Good question. When?

- Matt just asked that. - No, I was asking Ziig.

- What? - When we're playing

the EU All-Stars? - Why?

- Because I don't know the answer.

Ziig, when is the game? - Soon.

- My cousin Tim's birthday is July 9th.

- Oh, my God. - The game'll be before that.

- Okay, because I can't play that day.

- It'll be in the next couple weeks, right? - I don't know.

- No, I was asking Ziig. - Do you know?

- Do I know what? - Yes, the game will be

within the next couple of weeks.

- Do I know if I'm going

to Tim's birthday? Yes.

- Guys, let's focus here.

- It's glow in the dark bowling.

- Nat is going to fly you guys to Sudbury

to play in a hockey game against the EU All-Stars.

- Soon? - Yes.

- How soon? Because Survivor's almost on.

- Gord, can we lock this up?

- I'm doing my best.

- Gonna be here 'til fuckin'

summer with these guys.

- But Tim's birthday is July 9th.

- Holy! - I don't think they understand.

- Is there any reason all these have to be on Zoom?

- No. - Divide and conquer?

- Yes.

Delaney.

♪ They don't wanna let it go ♪

Schnurr.

In.

Hello?

We're playing those guys? Yep.

Palmer!

Playing that European All-Star team.

Where?

In a town that just got their strip club back.

Let's go!

♪ They don't wanna let it go ♪

♪ They don't wanna let it go ♪

- Why are we sitting out here? - It's nice out here.

As opposed to where, Delaney?

The furthest bathroom stall from the door?

- The dressing room. - Shut up, ya fuckin' coke head.

I'd rather be out here, personally.

Everyone just be quiet and listen to Shoresy.

Dressing room's dank. It's dry.

I don't think something can be both dank and dry.

It can't. It's terrible for your skin.

Any French guys here?

I'm not French, bro. I'm Québécois.

- Why? - I don't like fuckin' French guys.

Well, I don't like fuckin' 'em either,

but there's no reason to be disruptive, old man.

We should get a humidifier.

- Don't be so aggressive. - Don't be such a pussy.

- Let's just go to the room. - We don't have a room.

- Shut the fuck up, Michaels. - We don't have a dressing room?

Not at this... juncture.

- Schnurr got his hand up. Look. - What a fuckin' nerd.

- Schnurr! - Rather than all of us

clashing over trivial matters en route to coming together

in the pursuit of a common goal--

Ah, fuck you Schnurr, you old fuck.

- Let him finish. - Why don't we just connect

on that common goal now,

focus on what really matters here,

beating the EU.

That's what I'm trying to do!

- Settle down. - So dumb.

Everyone just shut up and listen to Shoresy.

- Oh, my God. - Let's get on the go, b'y.

Yeah, fine.

Say,

you guys happen to know anyone with a cereal,

a winery, and...

2,857 NHL points?

Are you fuckin' serious? - Wayne Gretzky?

- Yeah, Wayne Gretzky. - We don't know him.

- Oh, my God. - We know of him. - Don't be a smart ass.

- Well, he asked if we knew him. - Well, I didn't mean literally.

- Doesn't matter. - Yeah, it doesn't matter.

Just... I was talking

to Wayne the other day. Gretzky.

Really? Yeah, really.

- You serious, Shoresy? - Why, you heard of him?

- Yeah. - What did you talk about?

Me and Gretzky? Oh, man.

Well, he's like, How's it goin'?

And already I'm thinking, this is crazy.

- That's so crazy. - What else did you talk about?

He's just like, what's new?

Just like, really easy to talk to

when you might not think he would be.

- That's so cool. - And anyway, we get chattin'

a little bit more, and he says that he watched us on TV.

- Whoa. - Wayner?

Yeah. National Senior Tournament on BROdude.

The Great One.

Says he loves how we play.

- Whoa! - What!

- Woo! - Wayner.

- 99. - Fuckin' eh, boys.

Yeah, I'm just standin' there,

minding my own business. The Great One walks over,

says, you're gonna give me somethin' to watch

next year, right? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - What'd you say?

Ask and you shall receive, Mr. Gretzky.

- You really said that? - Well, no. I fuckin' wish

I could be that cool in front of The Great One.

Probably said something like... Fer sure!

We are gonna give him

something to watch this year.

Called the NOSHO North Stars. - Yep.

We're gonna be playing the EU All-Stars.

- Yep. - And boys,

we're gonna do some real bad shit

to those guys. Oh, yeah!

But first things first.

Starting a new team.

What do you need when you start a new team?

Culture. Need to build a winning culture.

And how do you build a winning culture?

Two things. First thing: names.

Take care of the people that take care of us.

Know their names, chat 'em up, be good to 'em.

Hasn't always been your style, Shoresy.

Yeah, I know it's not always been my style,

but it's important.

Yeah, so...

we don't have, like, a trainer or equipment guy

or anything like that. - It's senior whale shit hockey.

Yeah, we're kinda pov, so we don't have nice things.

But we do have...

Emily.

She works the ticket window,

runs the 50/50 and one time,

she put her hand on my leg at a Christmas party.

Now, sometimes Emily's got her granddaughter

Ethel with her. And I know it's kinda weird

'cause like, Emily's old with a young person name,

but Ethel's young with an old person name,

but that's, just like, an example of the type of thing

you can chat to her about when you stop by

to see how she's doing. What's her name?

Emily.

This is Kev.

Drives the Zamboni. Keeps the ice clean for us.

He's here every night past 11 with the beer leaguers

and back every morning at 6 a.m. for the Timbits kids.

He's one of the greatest community members Sudbury's got.

He might even be a bigger beauty than Emily. Figuratively.

And literally, I guess. What's his name?

- Kev. - - This is Santiago and "George".

Jorge spelled with a J, which I think is a pretty

cool way to spell it. They don't even speak English.

Now, these guys clean the rink.

Which means that every time some asshole spits their gum

into the urinal, they gotta fish it out.

And every time some drunk hurls a sidewalk pizza in the stands,

they gotta mop it up.

Now, they won't say much, but they love donuts.

So, if you're stopping by Tim's on the way to the rink,

it's a honey cruller for Santiago

and a Boston cream for Jorge.

And if you grab a maple dip for Kev, I doubt he'd complain.

What's their names?

Santiago and Jorge.

What's his name? Kev.

What's her name? Emily.

Hell yeah, fuck yeah.

First practice as a team here, boys.

Big practice on deck here now.

I want hard passes, calling for pucks,

practice how you play.

What do you say Old Gorgeous?

What's second? Huh?

- The second thing? - What do you mean the sec--

To building a winning culture. You said it takes two things.

First thing, names. Second thing?

Beers.

♪ And the music began to play ♪

♪ And the music began to play ♪

♪ And the music began to play ♪

♪ And the music began to play ♪

♪ And the music began to play ♪

♪ And the music began to play ♪

♪ And the music began to play ♪

♪ And the music began to play ♪

♪ And the music began to play ♪

- Shoresy? - What?

Come here.

- Fer what? - You do a head count?

Do I look like a fuckin' scout master?

One is missing. Where is he?

Probably gettin' his dick sucked.

- It's Delaney. - Fuckin' coke head.

He's our best scorer. Where is he?

On the strip club side of the bar, for sure.

This is a team mixer, Shoresy.

Well, you brought 'em to a bar

where half of it is a strip club.

- So? - So, bring a kid to playland,

he's gonna go ball pittin'.

We are here to get to know each other.

- I know. - We're here to build

a winning culture. - You're right.

- We need total buy-in. - I'm with ya.

So, what's he doing over there?!

Ziig, hold my beer. Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fine. I'll go get him.

- Go get him. - Yeah, I'm gonna go get him.

- Go get him! - Fuckin' Delaney!

Oh, you're an idiot

if you think you can get her, Michaels.

- I know, Shoresy. - Look at you compared to Sanguinet.

He's tall with long hair and a long dick.

- Okay, Shoresy. - You're short

with a weird face. Okay, wow!

Pretty good dick though, I'll give you that.

- Thanks! - Delaney.

Half of this bar is a strip club!

- This is a team mixer. - Yeah, but half of this bar--

We're here to get to know each other.

At a strip club? That's kinda weird.

No, only half of this bar is a strip club.

- Uh-huh. Wanna come back in 10? - We're here to build

a winning culture, Delaney. - Okay, five.

You can't build a winning culture

unless every guy buys in.

- I know. - Every single guy.

- Absolutely. - So then what are you doing

on the strip club side of the bar when there's

a team mixer on the club side of the bar?

You brought me to a bar where half of it--

- Not buying in. - All right, man! I'll buy in.

- No, you won't. - I'm buying in.

- No you fuckin' aren't. - I'm in.

Now let's fuck these Euros up.

Yeah, unless we're playing at a rink

where half of it's a strip club? - Now we're talkin'.

Oh, you fuck...

You're cut. - Fuck off!

No, we don't need ya. Get outta here.

- Aw, come on, man. It's the first night! - Beat it.

- What do I have to do? - We're gonna do some real bad

shit to these guys, Delaney,

and we can't do it unless every guy buys in.

- I'll do it. - The Euro's are seven and O.

I have to be on this team, Shoresy. I'll do anything.

- I don't believe ya. - How do I prove it?

Let me prove it.

- We don't have a dressing room. - That's a real thing?

- We lost it. - How do you lose a dressing room?

Those guys have it now.

Wanna be on this team? - Yes.

- Huh? - Yes.

Go get it back.

Are you serious?

Buy in.

♪ O-M-G no O-N-E ♪

♪ Ain't what they seem not bold as me ♪

♪ Ain't lived a life as low as me ♪

♪ Valet parking, Rolls please ♪

♪ Freedom devour ♪

♪ This is not choice this is ours ♪

♪ America's ours ♪

♪ Runs like the towers ♪

♪ We back and we better ♪

♪ We rain like the showers ♪

♪ We watching the cowards All of you cowards ♪

♪ Fuck with a boy ain't cold as he ♪

♪ Fuck with a boy ain't cold as he ♪

♪ Ain't what they seem not bold as me ♪

♪ Ain't lived a life as low as me ♪

♪ I don't do the nose bleeds ♪

♪ I just pass 'em those keys ♪

♪ Valet parking, Rolls please ♪

♪ Money is power ♪

♪ Look at the people in power ♪

♪ Funeral flowers Freedom devour ♪

♪ This is not choice this is ours ♪

♪ America's ours ♪

♪ Runs like the towers ♪

♪ We back and we better ♪

♪ We rain like the showers ♪

♪ We watching the cowards All of you cowards ♪

That's how you build a winning culture.

Everybody buys in.

- Who you gonna do this with? - Do what?

- Coach. - Huh?

Every coach needs an assistant.

Yeah, little good cop, bad cop.

- Sanger? - What, so he can see

Michaels try to wheel his girl? - Try?

- She's way too hot for him. - You think?

She's such a little sweetie. She's just such a...

She's just such a little cutie.

I saw her and Michaels making out

on the security cameras. - Really?

- I saw them making out tonight. - Really?!

And her and Sanger split.

Really?!

Does she look like the type to step out?

No.

No, she's such a little sweetie.

She's just such a little...

She's such a little cutie.

So then, who is your assistant coach?

You.

Me?

Are you serious?

- No. - Oh, my God!

- What the fuck are you gonna do? - Oh, fuck you, Shoresy.

You never skated a day in your life.

- I skated for years! - Not on men's skates.

You are such an idiot.

You gonna fuckin' teach 'em how to toe pick?

- Then who? - My brother.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Why? - Oh, don't ask me that.

- Why not? - 'Cause it gets bad when

I have to talk about him.

- What do you mean? - Trust me, it gets bad.

Well, you're gonna have to talk about him.

We're announcing it and I promised someone

the exclusive.

Aw, no fuckin'--

I'm Jory Jordan and this is a Sudbury

Kids Sport Report exclusive.

A respected coach, feared player,

beloved boyfriend and over-all stand-up guy.

That guest was unable to make it today,

so instead we've got formerly #69 Shore.

Shoresy, the growing sentiment around town and on socials

is that the NOSHO North Stars is full of irrelevant,

washed-up losers who couldn't get a win if it was listed

for free on Kijiji.

- What's the question? - No question.

More to that, for years now, you've surfed the line between

sinfully ugly and eye-wateringly stupid. Period.

With Shoresy today is his newly appointed assistant coach

and brother... Morris.

- Call me Mo. - That's the OG right there.

'Sup, big homie? That's what it do.

Shoresy, last time I checked, white people can't call

black people brother like black people can call

black people brother. What makes you think

you're somehow above convention here?

He's actually my brother.

Ah, mixed race parents. You know what it is.

- No. - No?

Our dad is white.

Are you sure?

We don't know our moms.

Well, I'll bet yours is not Nordic.

- We're adopted. - You're adopted brothers?

- Yes. - I was gonna say,

mixed race parents all day, but it is rare to see

someone that white procreate with someone that black.

Shoresy, you've never had an original thought

in your life. Tell me, how did you land on my boy here

as your assistant coach?

Oh, man, just...

'Cause there's no one in the world I respect more.

And just 'cause I respect him so much, and...

Trust him so much, and...

Since I love him so much.

Can you elaborate on that, Shoresy?

Just for everything he did for me growing up.

He...

He was always looking out for me, and...

And just making sure nothing bad

ever happened to me, and...

Sorry.

Yeah it gets bad, eh?

Well, you didn't sob or anything.

It gets bad when I have to talk about him.

- Bit of a spectacle. - I know it gets bad, eh?

What are his strengths as a coach?

He keeps it simple. What are you doing?

- I want to see the room. - I want to see the room.

Well, it's not our room anymore.

- Saw that. - Is it nice?

- You haven't seen it? - No.

- Come see it. - How did you get in there?

- It's unlocked. - And nobody's around?

- No. - And they just left the room unlocked?

- Who cares? - Well...

Hey, you said you wanted to see the room.

- Yeah. - So, come see it.

Keeps it simple.

All the Bulldogs should see it.

- Shoresy. - Who cares?

Is there a TV in there?

Holy fuck, boys!

Been gone five fuckin' minutes.

Good is not good if better is expected?

What the fuck is this?

I prefer "For the community, by the community."

Wee bit of an upgrade, eh?

What do you think, Big Mo?

Like you were never here.

A 4-0 lead

for the EU in Edmonton after one,

with the visiting team scoring four unanswered

in a dominant first period,

both physically and on the scoreboard.

Ooh! Another thundering check

from Hakohrju and another Edmonton player on the ice.

Boy, I bet these guys wish

they were somewhere else.

Five to nothing for the Europeans.

Not an inch of room for Edmonton out there

and the shots reflect that, 27-7

midway through the second period

and the Europeans are up six to nothing.

We've got Anik Archambault with EU coach Teppo Maki. Anik...

Teppo, some crease crashing from Edmonton this period,

but Cederstrom has stood tall. He's a brick wall out there.

It's just nice to finally see a bit of push back

from Edmonton here. Nice to see some fight

from anyone on this side of the pond.

You're garnering quite the reputation

for your spicy quotes, coach.

We are all watching the same game. Yeah?

The reputation for tough hockey here

has expired. Undeserving.

Look at the size of Ruzicka.

That might be the biggest man

I've seen on skates. - Absolutely rag-dollin' 'em.

Edmonton could sure use some guys from that banned

Sudbury church league right about now.

I heard those guys play like psychos!

Seven to nothing EU.

We'll go to commercial, eight to nothing EU.

Nine to nothing, EU.

Ten to nothing, EU.

Double digits. And now 11-0 for the Europeans.

You really have to see it to believe it, folks.

This EU team is spectacular.

They're unbeatable, old friend.

Unbeatable.

♪ Don't, don't move it around ♪

♪ Don't, don't, don't don't, don't ♪

♪ Move it around Don't, don't, move it around ♪

♪ Don't, don't, move it around ♪

♪ Don't, don't, move it a-- ♪

♪ Bunny ♪

♪ Move it around ♪

♪ Don't, don't, move it around ♪

♪ Don't, don't, don't, don't don't, don't, don't ♪

♪ Move it around Don't, don't, move it around ♪

♪ Don't, don't, move it around ♪

♪ Bunny ♪

♪ Move it around ♪

♪ Don't, don't, move it around ♪

♪ Don't, don't, don't, don't don't, don't, don't ♪

♪ Round, round, round, round, round, round ♪

♪ Don't, don't, move it around ♪

♪ Round, round, round, round, round, round ♪

♪ Don't, don't, move it around ♪

♪ Don't, don't, don't, don't don't, don't, don't ♪

Subtitling: difuze