Original subtitles

Previously... Your mother was in a car accident this afternoon.

Oh, my God, is she all right?

She has no injuries.

She was lucky. Luckier than the pedestrian.

She's been taken to hospital, unconscious.

And now you have to tell the injured woman's family.

Mark, about that...

STEADY BEEPING

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid

I'm going to have to turn the machine off.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

CONTINUOUS BEEP

MRS BROWN CACKLES

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown Agnes

# That's Mrs Brown Agnes

# Our Mrs Brown. #

She's gone.

AUDIENCE GROANS

GROANS

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Mammy! She's alive!

ALL EXCLAIM

CHEERING

Yes, I-I think I got her back!

Your mother was never in any danger.

The tests showed that, at the worst,

we could expect a herniated disc,

affected in the nucleus pulposus and the lumbar vertebra.

Exactly.

But you said you had to switch off the machine.

That's the coffee machine,

it makes the most horrendous noise.

Touch that coffee machine, Dr Jekyll,

and you'll be dealing with Mrs Hyde

and the fists of fury.

Where am I? You're in the hospital, Mrs Brown.

What? Why? What happened?

AUDIENCE: Ohh...

Right, well, I'm off.

Take me home, Sharon.

I'm driving.

Now, get me out of this stuff and get me home.

Not so fast, Mrs Brown, doctor's orders -

you need to stay in overnight for observation.

She's right, Mammy.

Er, Cathy, would you mind staying and doing some paperwork?

But the rest of you have to go, she needs rest.

We got such a fright, Mammy.

Really?

Everybody was even starting to talk

about their happy memories of Mammy.

So, what were yours?

What?

Your happy memories.

Oh, they were...

Yeah?

Well, you know...

Go on, yeah.

That time we went...

Er, Cathy, would you mind doing that paperwork now?

Oh, I'm on my way.

She's so good.

I don't remember

any buckin' happy times with her.

Mrs Brown will be home soon.

I'll bet you're looking forward to it.

Yeah, I can't wait, Father.

CHUCKLES

Gobshite.

Grandad is so excited about Agnes coming home.

Really?

Yes. I'm a bit excited myself.

HORN TOOTS That's them. She's here.

DERMOT: Come on, Mammy, slowly does it.

MRS BROWN: I'm going slow.

Just get your leg over there.

That's not the first time you've done THAT.

Shut up, you. Here, let me help you.

Get your hand off my arse! Sorry.

I got Mammy a mobility scooter.

She's embarrassed about using it

so don't make a big deal about it, OK?

Keep her coming, keep her coming...

Keep her coming.

Left a bit, left a bit. That's it. Keep...

LOUD CRASH

MEOW!

Hold it there!

Back her up, back her up! REVERSING ALARM

OK, straighten.

OK, slowly,

just put your hand on the accelerator.

Slowly, that's it.

Come on, come, OK.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!

Jesus, Jesus!

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

SOFTLY: I'm home!

I'm not happy about this scooter thing, Dermot.

Look at me, Dermot, I'm driving!

You're doing great, Ma.

This is fantastic.

I'm going to pimp me ride.

Please be careful, Mammy.

Cathy, look at me, I'm free!

Does she need a licence for that thing?

No! Should she not at least be wearing a helmet, Dermot?

Will you relax? She's fine.

Yeah, Cathy, relax, will you?

You're killing me buzz.

Cathy, that scooter has all the latest safety technology.

It's almost uncrashable.

CRASH!

MRS BROWN WAILS

You all heard me - I said "almost".

I'm fine! I'm fine!

I'm telling you, Dermot, she has no control

over that thing. WHIRRING

It's an accident waiting to happen.

Somebody is going to get... I need to talk to youse all.

Jesus, Mammy!

LAUGHTER REVERSING ALARM

Youse have all been very kind.

And I thank you.

Now, I think my recovery's going to be a short one.

Oh...

But I can't do very much so I'm going to need a lot of help.

With the house, you know.

And with Grandad.

Well, Ma, it's great to have you back.

But I have to get into work.

Lift, Cathy?

Yeah, us too. Come on, Buster, let's go.

Dermo, what about the surprise?

Oh, yeah, we got you a surprise, Ma.

Really? What is it?

You'll see. Come on, Buster.

Goodbye now, Father.

Right.

Before I leave, Mrs Brown, I'm delighted to tell you

that the church council of volunteers

have decided to appoint a home help to you

until you're mobile again.

Oh, thank you, Father, cos I can't do very much.

I understand.

Take your time recovering.

Oh, and we've a special section at Mass for mobility scooters.

Oh, that's nice.

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

Oh, a cup of tea.

Hi, Agnes!

Oh...

Is that you, Winnie?

Agnes, what are you doing, love?

Winnie, I've been here for half an hour.

Oh, Jesus.

I tried to get over to the teapot,

but I can't get back.

Nonsense, Agnes, come on, let me help you.

Thanks, Winnie.

You're supposed to be taking it easy.

I don't want to be a burden to anyone.

It's all my fault. Oh, now, now.

Yeah, yeah, you...

Look, I'll see you later, love. See you, Winnie.

Winnie, would you put me bin out on your way out?

Oh, Agnes, that's very heavy.

Yeah, I wouldn't ask you, except it's...

..your fault.

CACKLES

What's this?

The President's Kama Sutra...?

Hey...

GASPS

Hello.

Listen to this.

"Feeling the warmth of his breath on my neck

"caused me to melt.

"His hand moved gently over... my quivering stomach.

"While his fingers playfully tugged at my...

"..ear lobe"?

Feck's sake.

"He looked me in the eyes...

"..and whispered..."

GRUFF VOICE: Agnes?

Yes, Mr President?

Agnes! What the feck do you want?!

My hairbrush got tangled.

Can't you see I'm busy over here getting fondled?

CATHY: Mammy, did you take my book again?

N-No.

Stay where you are, party's over.

I can't find it anywhere!

Well, I'll have a look for it.

GRUNTS

Luc hasn't got it, no,

Ewen hasn't got it.

Wait a minute...

Ewen!

You baldy...

No, none of the cameramen have it.

Though I think, from listening to me,

they do have an erection.

CRASH!

Oh, Cathy, here it is in the...in the kitchen.

Thanks, Mammy!

No problem.

I'll never get to finish this buckin' book.

Hiya, Agnes.

Hello, girls! Hi, Agnes.

Where youse off to?

Down the village,

to get you a "sorry" card.

Winnie, enough is enough.

I forgive you.

Well, how else can I tell you how sorry I am?

Try cash.

CHUCKLING

Anyway, Birdie wants to go and have a coffee.

Here, I'll get you a coffee here, I'll make...

Oh, no, no, Agnes.

Wash & Blow got a fancy new coffee machine installed

and they're complimentary.

You can't just walk in off the street and get a coffee.

Want a bet?

She's been going there all week, Agnes.

Here, what's this?

Oh, Winnie, it's a book about a KGB agent, right,

who's trying to seduce the President's wife.

Oh...! Now, as it turns out,

the President's wife is a bit of a bike anyway.

I'll stop you there, Agnes, that does nothing for me, love.

Well, it does for me, I tell ya.

That book is a real knee-knocker.

If I could feel me knees after me spinal injury.

Jesus, Mammy, Grandad's badly in need of a haircut.

I know, he's like Gandalf the Grey in there.

You dirty bitch!

Are you all right there?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Can I borrow this?

No, I'm only halfway through the feckin' thing.

And I'm not even finished it.

That's my novel for our book club, Mammy.

DREAMLIKE MUSICAL FLOURISH

Barbara!

How are you, Mrs Brown? Hello, Barbara.

I don't have you booked in for today.

No, no, it's not me, it's Grandad needs a trim.

No, Mrs Brown.

He wrecked the salon last year trying to escape.

I promise you, he'll be on his best behaviour this year. Won't you?

Yeah, yeah.

I promise, when we leave here, the place is gonna be spotless.

OK.

Come on, then, Grandad.

Thank you, Barbara.

Help yourselves to coffee, ladies.

I'm first!

Agnes, darling!

Oh, shite.

Hello, Hidily. Hello, Maria, love.

Hello, Mrs Brown. Great news.

The church volunteers have approved you for a home help

two days a week. Is that Wednesday and Friday?

Well, actually Monday and Thursday suit me best.

AUDIENCE: Ohh...!

Suits YOU? Mm.

Yes. I'm it, I'm your home aid.

Aren't you lucky?

You're so good for volunteering, Mother.

Isn't she, Mrs Brown?

Yes, I was just thinking that...

That's nice.

Excuse me, Mrs Brown. Mother, I won't be long, I just

want to have a word with Barbara before we go to the shops.

Oh, you take as long as you like, Maria,

I'll just be sitting here

catching up with my favourite home-help client

and a beautiful lady.

That's a lovely thing to say, Hilliary, thank you very much.

I was talking about the President's wife.

I walked into that one, didn't I?

You really did.

Morning, all!

Hello, Father Damien. What brings you in?

You know me, Mrs Brown, just doing the Lord's work.

The usual, Father? Please, Birdie.

Mocha frappuccino.

Ooh! Could I get one of those? But with an extra shot.

From a rifle.

Hidily, it's not Starbucks.

I've got a mocha frappuccino here

for Demon.

Thank you, Birdie.

Well, what's this, Father?

Oh, I have to proofread the parish newsletter

before it goes to print. This will be the final edition.

What the devil are you babbling about?

It's gotten too expensive to produce.

But, to be honest, my heart isn't in it -

I don't think anyone even reads the newsletter any more.

I do. I look forward to it every week.

CLATTERING

Grandad!

Grandad!

Mrs Brown, Grandad escaped - again.

I saw. I'm on me way, hang on.

Sorry, excuse me,

sorry, sorry. REVERSING ALARM

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Oh, shite!

Oh, sorry, Winnie, sorry, sorry.

I don't know what's wrong with this feckin' thing.

APPLAUSE

Barbara!

I found this outside.

Waste not, want not, love.

REVERSING ALARM

I've been thinking about that newsletter all day.

Me too. Me too.

Nope.

Father Damien, sit down.

Father, you really have to keep the newsletter going.

I'm afraid I can't.

But how are we going to know what's happening in the parish?

You could come to Mass.

CACKLES

Father, this is no time for jokes. Seriously!

Agnes is right.

Parochial communication is essential for the betterment

and elaboration of a community's consciousness.

As a member of the community, I need to be kept in the loop.

That's what I said.

Yeah, but I said it in buckin' English.

Father, you must do everything in your power

to keep that newsletter going.

I want to, but I just can't see

how to make it financially viable.

You could sell advertisements to local business,

that'd help pay for the printing.

Oh, excellent, Agnes.

And to improve readership,

you should ask somebody local to write

some interesting articles that would keep people interested.

That's a great idea.

Yes. Er, somebody the community looks up to.

Exactly. It would need to be someone of importance,

someone who has interesting things to say...

All right, I'll do it.

Thank you, Mrs Brown.

Oh, now, hold on a moment, Father!

I'll start approaching local businesses.

No, no, no, no, Father, hold on a second!

Seriously?!

Gobshite.

INTERNALLY: "I gazed in astonishment.

"It was so much larger than my husband's.

"Reaching out with a trembling hand,

"I grasped hold of his massive...

"..nose"?!

I know, Father,

I was expecting cock as well. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

How is she, Dr Flynn?

CRACK!

Er, progressing nicely. Nothing to worry about.

Oh, Cathy,

I've got a lovely bottle of red for tonight.

Really? I can't wait.

Why? What's tonight? Book club.

It's my turn to host.

Oh, spare me now.

Cup of tea, Father? No, thank you, Mrs Brown.

DOOR CLOSES I just called in

to collect your article for the parish newsletter.

I haven't even started it, Father.

We need something, Mrs Brown, and soon.

The printers are waiting,

and I've already lined up four advertisers.

I can't think of anything to write.

How about a diary

on your day-to-day life living in Finglas?

No, we more or less have that covered

in the TV series.

Hey, Ma, what about writing

about the dangers of mobility scooters?

Shut up!

I know what I'll write.

I'll write about the tradesmen in Finglas

who can't shut the buck up.

Ha-ha.

Well, you've carte blanche, Mrs Brown.

I beg your pardon?

I mean you can write whatever you like.

I'm sure you'll come up with something - you always do.

Thanks very much, Father.

You've been no buckin' help.

All right, Agnes,

I've made the bed, I've vacuumed the hall,

the stairs, the landing, I've washed out the bath

and I've unblocked the downstairs loo.

So, I think that's everything.

That's it. Yes.

Except for, um,

the washing.

OK. Where is it?

It's in the utility room in the back.

Right.

WAILS: Oh, for goodness' sake!

Oh... Oh...! CACKLES

Now, Hidily, don't go mad with the ironing,

just don't iron the tea towels.

How many tea towels are there?

Two.

Goodbye, Hilliary. Thank you very much, you're very kind.

Mr President, I'm back!

You don't mind me hosting book club here, Mammy, do you?

I couldn't give a shite,

but I'll take that book off you when you finish it.

You can have it now. I finished it earlier.

Oh, lovely, that's my evening sorted.

You're really enjoying it, aren't ya?

Oh, er, I love the way the author builds the suspense

but without rushing, you know,

and the evocative prose he uses

and the thought-provoking themes.

Wow, Mammy.

And there's loads of hooring in it, I love that.

You'd love book club, you know.

Cathy, I don't need to read a book

or join the club to make friends.

Well, there's always plenty of scandal.

Really? Yeah, Mammy,

and you do love a bit of scandal.

Well...

Yeah, I do, Yes, I do.

Oh, Mammy!

We've got a surprise for you.

Ta-da!

Where's me chair?

This is your new chair, Mrs Brown.

I don't want a new chair, Buster Brady.

Well, Ma, you will like this one.

I got it second hand but it's working fine.

I hate it.

WHIRRING

I love it.

There you go. Thanks, pet.

Sugar, Agnes?

REVERSING ALARM

Writer's block, they call it.

Mm.

REVERSING ALARM

Lovely.

No biscuits, Agnes? No?

REVERSING ALARM

And then Cathy told me about the book club.

Mm-hm? CHUCKLES

REVERSING ALARM

That's when it struck me.

I'm going to write a gossip column.

Do you know? I'd read that, Agnes.

Everybody would. Isn't Cathy very good,

letting you into her book club to get all the goss?

No, no, I'm not telling Cathy.

No, I'm going to go undercover.

Like Boris Dildenski.

Who's he?

He's the spy in the book.

Oh... He walks in the shadows,

and he travels the world silently.

Oh... And he uses a wire to gather information.

What's a wire?

In the spy business, we call it

a bug.

And where would you get one of those, Agnes?

I don't know. Mm...

But I think I know somebody who might.

Buster Brady.

Buster?

Hello.

Call me Karlos with a K.

Why a K?

Cos I'm a special agent, get it?

No.

Special K.

I need a listening device to secretly record people.

I have just the thing.

A 4K digital microphone, made in Mexico,

the hub of the tech industry.

Is it discreet? Nobody'll suspect a thing, Mrs Brown.

Don't call me Mrs Brown.

Call me...Marietta.

Nobody'll suspect a thing, Marietta.

It's hidden in the rim of a hat.

CLATTERING

Hello.

Is this it?

No, it's rubbish, just put it in the other bin.

PANTS

And, silently, she vanished into the night.

CACKLES QUIETLY

REVERSING ALARM

LOUD CRASH

DOG BARKS

QUIET CHATTER

You all right, Mammy?

Si, senorita!

Are we going to talk about the hat?

What hat?

Oh!

I saw this in Vogue,

they're going to be all the rage this season.

Testes, one, two,

testing, uno, dos, uno, dos, tres.

Right, are we starting or what?

Yes.

So, what's everyone's opinion of the book this week?

Well, I thought it was...

Terrible. A tedious read that failed to capture my interest

or deliver any meaningful substance.

Yeah, it was muck, but in a good way.

Were we all reading the same book?

I thought it was fabulous.

Yeah, but Mrs Brown, did you buy into the relationship

between the two protagonists?

Yes! You know, he was handsome,

she was horny. Works for me.

Seriously, Mammy, at one stage they made love in a coal shed.

Who does that?

Yes.

Me and your father, Cathy.

Every Tuesday night after the darts.

She's kidding.

I'm not kidding.

How do you think your father got the black lung?

OK, let's get back to it. The President's Kama Sutra.

Well, it was a piece of trash,

not worth the paper it was written on, too dirty.

What's it called again?

Hilliary, I saw you reading it, you were loving it.

Well, I gave it every chance.

Seriously, the book, what's it called?

Father Damien, you loved it.

And what about you, Dr Flynn?

Oh, well, yes, I-I do take Mrs Nicholson's point but...

Well, that's that, then.

Review over.

We've only just started.

So, did you hear the rumour?

Scratch that.

What, what, what, what rumour?

Well, one of the local policemen is

moonlighting as a stripper.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WOLF WHISTLE

- No! - I wouldn't mind booking HIM!

Hold on, Sharon.

COUGHS

Testes, one, two.

- Say that again. - I wouldn't mind booking HIM.

Yes, I've heard you like a man in a uniform.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, for God's sake. REVERSING ALARM

Nothing, it's just a rumour.

Can youse all not talk at the same time?

I'm not on wheel...

No, well, I am on wheels.

I-I can't be in two places at one time.

Now, look, just for clarity, Maria,

you were talking about Garda Fergusson, am I right?

Well... I heard a very salacious story at my surgery the other day.

Hold it!

BEEPING

MOTOR SLOWS AND STOPS

Feck's sake.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Mrs Brown!

You're walking!

Oh, my God, I can walk!

I can walk!

It's a miracle!

It's a "miracaley"!

It's a miracle.

Amazing!

Oh, my God.

I don't have to clean!

I cured her! Again!

That's nice.

# Cucaracha, cucaracha

# La-la la-la la-la-la. #

I can't believe you let us believe you were...

Let you believe?!

I was in pain 24/7.

I don't know how I didn't give up.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Thank you.

LAUGHTER

Well, you're all right now.

So, we can get rid of that scooter.

You can get rid of the scooter but I'm keeping me chair.

WHIRRING

CRUNCH! MECHANISM ROARS

Argh!

Ah!

Oh...

Who has the TV remote?

Ugh...

Put on the football, Dermot.

And what would the world be like without the odd miracle, eh?

Believe it or not, when I crashed into that table,

it fixed me back!

CACKLES

Oh, I didn't do the gossip column.

No, I did a review of this.

Huge readership. Huge!

You know, my mother used to say,

"People who listen to gossip

"will eventually hear bad about themselves."

Mm.

Did I tell you about Father Damien

and the dead sheep?

No, I shouldn't.

Goodnight.

# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town

# As the best mum of all she wears the crown

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

# Sassy old lady full of tricks

# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down

# She's Mrs Brown Agnes... #

Goodnight!

# That's Mrs Brown Agnes

# Our Mrs Brown. #

MRS BROWN CACKLES