Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

Ha-ha-ha!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown Agnes

# That's Mrs Brown Agnes

# Oh, Mrs Brown. #

MUSIC: Morning Mood by Edvard Grieg

NEEDLE SCRATCH, MUSIC STOPS

Look at all this.

SHE GROANS

Another week in them.

For God's sake. Dirty clothes.

Dust and dirt everywhere.

I'm even getting a smell.

HE SNIFFS

Urgh! You need to tidy it up.

I'm talking about you, you wrinkled old camel scrotum.

I haven't been to the toilet in three days.

Oh, we'll get an Uber to take you there.

Hello, there.

You're up very early.

Come on, come in.

You'll notice I'm not looking my usual beautiful self. Well, I...

CLATTER

This house is turning into the lost and found at Dublin Airport.

And who owns all the stuff? Not me.

I'm sorry. I'm just...

I'm not sleeping great.

I go to bed at night, exhausted, barely able to get up the stairs.

But do I sleep?

No.

Hm!

And I worry about it...

..because I don't know what's wrong with me.

Hm!

I spend the night tossing and turning.

Me body wants to go to sleep, but my brain is going,

"No, feck off!"

Ugh.

I know I should count myself lucky.

There's people my age who are out there, they say goodnight

to their loved ones and drift off to sleep.

And the next person they see is... Oh.

Jesus Christ.

Hiya, Mammy. Turn off the buckin' light.

No. Wakey-wakey.

Bad sleep again last night? Yes.

You need to do something about that.

I've tried, Cathy.

I've tried brandy, Horlicks,

the porn... The news channel.

You need to talk with Dr Flynn.

Cathy, I want to have a sleep.

I don't want to go into a buckin' coma.

Where are you off to?

I'm meeting Sharon and Maria for breakfast

down the shopping centre. Oh.

What?!

You look awful, Mammy.

Good, because I feel it.

Can I do anything?

You could gather up some of the clothes and put a wash on.

There's more in the wash basket there. Ah, no.

I just did my nails.

I didn't ask you to take them down to the river and beat them

on the rocks.

What's the rush? I'll do it later.

It's always that with you, Cathy. Always later.

Even with sex.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Did I say that out loud? Yeah, I did.

Try it again.

It's always later with you.

Oh, right, I'm going to go because you're obviously in one

of your moods.

I'll see you when I get back. If I'm still here. Oh!

Mammy, will you call Dr Flynn?

He'll prescribe you something.

And before you know it, you'll be back to normal

and you can straighten this place out.

Well, that's a family vacuum, by the way.

I won't be insulted if I see you using it.

How bad does a house have to get before one of them decides

to empty the dishwasher?

Or put out the buckin' bin?

Agnes! What do you want now?

Call the doctor.

What's wrong with you now?

I haven't been to the toilet in three days.

Well, at 60 euros for a doctor's visit,

you can hang on to it. Ah!

I haven't even the energy to go over and make myself a cup of tea.

I'm constipated!

No, you're not. You're just full of shit.

IN POSH ACCENT: Hello. How do you do?

AUTOMATED VOICE: To speak to Dr Flynn, press one.

Hello.

To leave a message for Dr Flynn, press two.

Hello, Dr Flynn, this is Agnes Brown.

End of message.

Health Service, my arse.

I've been on that phone for nearly a feckin' hour.

Count yourself lucky, Agnes.

Winnie, there's people out there dying.

In the garden?

No, Winnie, at the bus stop.

Do you take sugar? One. No - maybe two.

What spoo...? I'll do it myself.

Agnes.

What?

Promise you won't get upset.

Go on.

Your house. What about it?

Well, it's looking a little bit grubby.

Er, I'm aware of that.

Winnie, I am running on fumes.

I haven't time to scratch my arse, never mind clean the house.

Well, I could do that for you.

Clean my house? No, scratch your arse.

No, Winnie, no!

I can do that myself, Winnie. No, thank you.

I could do that for you, though. I could clean your house.

No, Winnie, no. Don't, no.

And, Winnie, please, don't argue with me when I'm tired.

Or when I'm not tired.

Good morning, Mammy. Hey, Mrs McGoogan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Where's he going with that?

To the sitting room, by the looks of it.

Winnie, do you want that tea to go? Go where?

Over your buckin' lap.

How are yas? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just hold on, there, now.

Excuse me, Mario and Luigi.

Can I help you boys with something?

Oh, that'd be great, Mrs Brown. There's more boxes in the van.

Well, they can buckin' stay there. Dermot, what's going on?

Me lock-up has leak, Ma.

I have to move my stuff out while Mark fixes it.

Why don't you put it in your own house?

Are you joking me?

THEY LAUGH

Maria wouldn't have that, Ma.

She says it makes the place look cluttered.

Have I got a sign on my back saying "Mrs Brown - storage"?

No.

There's more clutter now I have to deal with.

Well, you'd hardly notice it in here, Agnes.

And what can I do about it, Winnie? I'm exhausted.

Well, get the kids to help you out.

Fat chance with that.

Hello. Hello, son. How are you, Ma?

Hi, Mark. How are you, Winnie?

How are you, Mark?

Are you on your own? Ha - might as well be.

Why? Betty and that phone of hers.

What about it?

It's never out of her hand, Ma.

Come on, Mark. Calm down. It can't be that bad.

Hello, Betty. How are you?

Hi.

That's ridiculous.

You see? Facebook, Twitter, Instagram -

taking over her life, it is.

You should get her just to pick one.

Exactly, Winnie.

I recommend OnlyFans.

APPLAUSE

I'm not even going to ask.

Betty nearly died this morning. No!

Yeah. Staring at her phone.

Stepped out in front of a truck.

I saved her just in time. You gobshite.

You could have been free!

How are you, Ma? I haven't slept for a week.

Grandad doesn't give a shit.

And I mean that literally.

I can't get Dr Flynn's clinic on the phone, the bastards.

Why is Betty on her phone so much?

Who knows, Winnie?

She said she's bored.

She was looking for a part-time job, but it didn't pan out.

Well, Agnes is looking for a cleaner.

Shut up, Winnie.

Mrs Brown.

There's a really weird smell in there.

Weird? Yeah.

Like something sour.

Oh, it's probably just Betty.

Sorry. What was that? Nothing. Nothing.

Betty, I wonder, would you check has Grandad wet himself again?

#Grandad. #Piss. #Please.

MRS BROWN LAUGHS

Yeah, Cathy said you weren't sleeping well.

No. And what did Dr Flynn say?

I told you. I couldn't get him.

But anyway, he needs to see Grandad, too.

Mm. Well, listen, I just dropped around to grab some of me tools

from the spare room, for Dermot's job.

Take all your tools. I have no room for them, Ma.

I have no room for them here, either. And with Dermot's costumes,

your tools and whoever bastard owns that thing.

I haven't room to walk around my own house.

Do you want me to put my tools into the attic? No, no.

That's full of Cathy's boyfriend's photographs.

Mrs Brown, Dr Flynn's booked out for the afternoon, but I managed to get

you an appointment for tomorrow morning. He'll take you at 10.30.

Thank you. Oh, and Barbara will be round later to do your hair.

That should cheer you up. It will.

Did you do all that online?

Yeah. Aye.

Oh. Mark, open the car.

OK.

What's for lunch, Ma?

Nothing.

Come on, Ma. A little mixed grill.

By two.

No! If it was for Mark, you'd cook it.

Dermot, I am exhausted, both physically and mentally.

Me house is a tip.

The garden's like a jungle.

Even though you told me you'd cut the grass a month ago.

So excuse me if I don't jump up, grab the frying pan

and kill the fatted calf.

No calf for me.

Well, what about beans on toast?

No, but you know what I could do if you don't get out of here?

I could do two stuffed chickens!

Get out.

The cheek of them saying that I treat you different.

You're not hungry, though, are you?

Well, only if you have some soda bread.

Actually, I have no bread. When you're down the shops...

Oh, look at the time, Ma. I better get my tools.

Did you ever have this sleeping thing before, Agnes?

No, Winnie, not that I can remember.

When I was younger, I often woke up grouchy.

But most of the time I just let him sleep on.

How are we? Hello, Father. Hello, Father Damien.

What brings you around?

Trevor was telling me you're feeling a little bit under the weather.

Oh, news travels fast.

So I thought I'd drop in a few supplies to keep you going.

Oh, thank you, Father. You're very kind.

Not at all. Sure, didn't yourself and Winnie look after me

when I had the Covid?

It was mostly me, though.

Not too fancy now.

Just the staples.

Bread, milk, eggs, butter

and...

Chocolate eclairs!

You love them, Agnes. They're me favourite.

The whole lot was just 8.50 euros.

Oh, you're very kind, Father.

There you go. 8.50 euros.

So it was.

Er...

On me, I suppose.

Oh, that's a nice treat. Thank you, Father.

Sure, we'd have to have one. Oh.

In you go. Thank you, Father.

Thank you, Father. Oh!

This is a lovely treat.

Did you want to say grace, Father?

Nah!

Oh! Mm!

Mm! Oh! Oh!

So that's where I left my golf clubs!

SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

You bastard!

SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

This is gorgeous.

Expensive, though. Eight feckin' 50.

I think it might be love. I'm delighted for you.

He's such a gentleman. Hm.

He's so romantic.

So honest. And so decent.

Hm. So married.

Married, too, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, here's a picture.

Does he work in a butcher's?

No. He has a huge... No, Barbara!

Change the subject, love. Change the subject.

I believe you're not feeling well.

I'm just not sleeping.

Dr Flynn is coming over tomorrow.

You need to mind yourself.

At your age, even a flu could be fatal.

To your health, like.

Thanks very much, Barbara!

How's things in Wash & Blow? Oh, very slow.

The new salon chain in the shopping centre, Swifty Cuts,

keep undercutting me prices.

Very hard to compete on your own. On your own?

They poach the staff. Then the staff poach the customers.

Ah, no.

What are you going to do about that? I don't know.

But I'll have to find a way to bring in customers - and soon.

But I don't even know where to start. Yeah.

That all right for you, Mrs Brown?

It's fine.

All right. Well, I'll see you, and, er, I hope you feel better soon.

Barbara. Yeah?

You are not on your own.

This family will support you 100%.

Thanks, Mrs Brown.

DOOR OPENS

Hiya. Hiya.

How are yous? Hiya, Barbara.

Nice hair, Mammy. Thank you.

Yours is nice, too.

Swifty Cuts.

They had a deal.

20 euro for a blow dry if you followed them on Facebook.

I AM on me own.

Barbara?

Yeah?

Send me that photograph, will you?

Nothing like a bit of retail therapy to put a smile on a girl's face.

What did you get me? Oh, sorry, Mammy.

I just got meself a few bits to wear to Foley's.

You're going to Foley's?

Yeah, tomorrow night. Everybody is. Do you want to come down?

No, no. I'm going to stay in and have a bath.

Oh.

So what did you get, Maria?

What did YOU get, more like.

You got something for me? Mm-hm. Oh, you're very kind.

Betty sent a text to say you needed a bit of minding.

I didn't realise you were unwell. Dermot never mentioned anything.

Well, Dermot's been very busy.

Well, all these products are 100% natural.

What do they do? Help you sleep.

Ohh. This is valerian root.

Now, you take this just before bed, and you will sleep like a lamb.

Lamb, ha-ha! Try mutton.

Try keeping your mouth shut.

And this stuff is great for helping you to relax if you're feeling

a bit stressed. Oh... Three to four drops

and it will mellow you out completely.

Well, I have been feeling a bit stressed lately.

And when I ask me own family for help, they're always too busy.

Well, I'm not too busy, so let's get you sorted.

Oh, thanks, Maria.

Now, where did I put those bath bombs?

Bath bombs?! Oh, you're feckin' spoiling me now.

You should feel those drops working instantly.

I can feel it.

Nice, isn't it? They sting a bit.

Oh, that's just the coolness of the peppermint on your...

..your tongue!

Tongue?!

Ah, hello, Dr Flynn.

SHE CHUCKLES

Agnes is in the kitchen, exhausted.

I'm doing the door for her.

Do you have ID?

No, actually, Grandad, I'm going to see Mrs Brown first.

Ah.

You must get a lot of that.

No comment.

Well, what seems to be the problem, Mrs Brown?

Oh, my God!

What happened?

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Is it painful? What do you buckin' think?!

OK. Close your eyes and open them again for me.

I can't close them.

This is worse than I thought. Oh.

MRS BROWN GROANS

Any other symptoms, Mrs Brown? I'm exhausted. I'm tired.

Day in, day out.

Oh, dear. Why didn't you call me earlier? I did call you.

I was an hour on the buckin' phone!

Well, just let me know if this is too tight, Mrs Brown.

Oh, under any other circumstances,

I'd love to hear that question.

OK.

I'm going to test your reflexes.

OK.

Well, they seem to be OK.

So what's wrong with me, Doctor?

I don't know where to start.

That's not very reassuring.

You're fed up, Agnes. What?

Well, your house is in a mess, and the kids don't give you any help.

You care for everybody. Oh, no...

Yeah, yeah!

When was the last time somebody cared for YOU?

Never.

OK, Mrs Brown, here's a prescription for some sleeping tablets

and something for Grandad's constipation.

But in the meantime, I'm going to give you an injection.

It'll help you get some rest. No, no, Doctor.

No, not happening. I don't do...

Nyah!

Done.

This better work. Oh, it will.

HE CHUCKLES

And quite quickly, too.

OK, Grandad.

No!

No, Grandad, I've given Mrs Brown a prescription for you -

to give you some relief.

GRANDAD MUTTERS

Oh - and it's quite strong.

My advice to you would be to have one leg inside the toilet

when she gives it to you.

Oh. Hello, Dr Flynn.

Oh, goodbye, Mrs Nicholson. Oh!

That injection's not wor-wor-working...

Agnes, give it a chance.

You know, you won't know yourself after a good night's rest.

Yeah, I s'pose.

Oh! Hello, there. Oh, for fuck's sake.

Hello, Mrs Nicholson.

Oh, I best be off.

Now, you try and get some rest, Agnes. Thanks, Winnie.

Oh, Agnes.

Your eyes are very puffy. It's an allergy.

Oh, allergic to what? Uninvited guests.

I do understand, but Winnie as your neighbour, what can you do?

Hillary, I am on medication

and I'm feeling very, very bad.

What do you want?

Well, where do I begin? Right.

Well, Father Damien was very impressed with my peaches

and my cantaloupe are magnificent.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

It's about the arrangements for this year's garden fete.

You see, I wondered, considering how much hard work goes into

the horticultural pursuits of so many people, that perhaps

this year we might make garden produce the main event.

SHE SNORES

OK.

Well, I'll leave you to think about it.

SHE CONTINUES SNORING

Fine. Bye, then.

Isn't it weird to see Winnie at Foley's without Mammy?

It is. How is your mother?

I think she's laying it on a bit.

She's saying now that it's affecting her balance.

Uh-oh!

SHE GROANS

I can't believe you tried to blind me mother!

Oh, I feel awful. And so you should!

Me poor, defenceless visually impaired mammy.

Shut up, Dermot.

How does a nurse make a mistake like that?!

I didn't put the drops in her eye, she put them in herself.

But you gave her the drops.

You were only trying to help, Maria.

Is right, Betty.

And anyway, I don't think her eyesight's as bad as she says.

How are yous? How are you, Winnie?

Hiya.

Maria was just filling us in.

It sounds like you're all having a good laugh about it, anyway.

THEY LAUGH

I'm not.

Well, neither is Agnes. Oh, stop, Winnie. I'm sick.

That wasn't your fault, Maria.

At least you TRIED to help her.

Didn't see anybody else making an effort.

Mind you, Buster did drop in a big bunch of flowers.

And they weren't robbed.

And, Betty, you gave her a great lift with your kindness yesterday.

What? Oh, aye.

And she was so happy having her hair done.

Er, I got the shopping.

8.50 euro!

At least you tried to do something, yeah.

Can I get you a drink, Winnie? No, you're all right, son.

I'm not staying.

Agnes is at home alone, cooking dinner.

20 minutes at 250.

Tell Mrs B the cider's on me, Mammy.

Thanks, Sharon, love.

Agnes deserves a little treat.

Winnie.

Thanks for minding Mammy. Somebody has to, Cathy.

I mean, she cares for all of us.

Sad, really.

Yous won't appreciate her till she's gone.

Thanks for coming over, Barbara.

I got your text, Mrs Brown. It sounded urgent.

Is everything all right? Yes, yes. Everything's grand.

Just, I've had an idea of how to get more people into the salon.

OK.

You need to set up a presence on all of the social medias.

Every platform, like Ticky-Tocky, Bicky-Bocky,

Nooby-Tube,

and, er, the one that Winnie recommended - OnlyFans.

That sounds like a great idea, Mrs Brown,

but I don't know a thing about all that stuff.

But, luckily enough, I know somebody who's GREAT at that stuff,

and they come highly recommended. By who? Me.

Who is it? Betty Brown.

She's born for it.

You're right. I'll call her.

You do that.

How's Grandad? Oh, no movement yet.

He hates taking tablets -

so this is going to be a challenge.

Oh, God, Mrs Brown, he'll never swallow that.

No, no. This is a depository.

Goes up the other end.

I'm going to use this.

Why don't you use a pill-puffer? What's a pill-puffer?

They use it for dogs and horses. It's like a pipe.

You load the pill in, insert the pipe, and blow. Job done.

I could do that. Right. Well, I'll see you.

See you, Barbara.

Pill-puffer.

Very interesting.

MUSIC: Morning Mood by Edvard Grieg

SHE SIGHS

MUSIC SWELLS

Ah, ah!

Hiya, Mammy. Good morning, Cathy.

How are you feeling? Oh, fantastic.

Ah, good. And your eyes?

Back to 1990 vision.

And I tell you, Cathy, when it was bad, if I had a spoon I could've

popped 'em out of their sockets.

I'm sorry I wasn't more helpful around the house, Mammy.

It wasn't fair on you.

Well, you've made up for it with all of this.

Well, it wasn't just me - the boys were great, too.

After Winnie's little pep talk, we had to do something

to make it up to you.

Well, that's the garden gate fixed.

And I cut the grass and put the lawnmower away.

Hello, boys. Hiya, Ma.

Sorry, Ma. It's all right, son.

What's for breakfast, Ma?

Anything you want, Buster.

Really?

Helloooo, Cathy.

No!

I feel like I slept for a week.

That's because you did, Mammy. What?

I'm only joking. You witch!

Go on. Go get cleaned up.

I'm first in the shower.

I am, too. No, you're not!

Come on, lads, let's get back to work.

See you later, Ma. See you later, boys.

What are you reading, Grandad?

The weather.

Well, I'm no meteorol... Meteor... Me...

..weather woman.

But I can tell you now,

there's going to be a sharp breeze up the Channel.

Now, Grandad,

I need you to stand up and bend over the couch.

Good man.

That's it, yeah. Good man.

Now drop your trousers.

Good man!

That's it. Good man.

I'm glad that the family have, you know,

recognised and appreciated me.

You know,

you really should appreciate those in your lives...

GRANDAD WHIMPERS

..who make you happy.

And show them that you love them.

It can be done very simply, you know.

Ah-ha... Ah...

With just a smile or a kiss

or a cup of tea.

LAUGHS

Fire in the hole!

SHE BLOWS

PARPING

So, go on.

Put the kettle on for somebody you love.

I need to go to the toilet.

Goodnight!

# Say hello to the Queen of Dublin town

# As the best mum of all she wears the crown

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

# Sassy old lady full of tricks

# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down

# She's Mrs Brown Agnes

# That's Mrs Brown Agnes

# Our Mrs Brown. #