Original subtitles

An allotment is a piece of communal land divided into individual plots.

For a small annual rent, it can be used by a person to grow his own food.

For the British working man, the allotment has for more than a century

a rustic oasis in the industrial desert.

Or somewhere to escape to.

But in the winter, when the ground is hard and nothing will grow, What can he

do? He has to find some way to keep his passion alive, even at Christmas time.

Tomato seeds can be planted as early as Boxing Day,

but must be kept in a place where they receive both warmth and attention.

Do they have to go on top of their telly, love?

Every year it's the same. Why can't you put them upstairs on the window sill in

the same room?

Unwanted furniture or bric -a -brac can be taken from the home and used for

making improvements to the allotment.

Strike the harp and join the chorus. Winter is also a time for reflection, a

time to brush up on gardening knowledge with the help of a book or a television

exhibit. It doesn't matter whether it's well -rotted garden compost or farmyard

manure. Manure!

Funny you should mention manure. You've only been talking it for half an hour.

You think just because you've got a nice woolly sweater and a pair of wings...

With the arrival of spring comes relief.

The British working man can return to his plot, ready for the hard physical

to begin.

Well, off you go.

Have we got any more barb on, Kerry?

Oi, come here.

Get off his plot.

Come here.

No, I'm not.

It's just your dad she wants to

see. I know, yeah.

Your date of birth, Mr... September 20th, 1970.

Young, fair people.

No, no, that's fine. Sorry, just his birthday.

And, um...

I'm so sorry these notes are in a dreadful mess.

You can definitely speak English.

He can speak English, Cantonese, Mandarin, Russian.

That's fine.

And he can speak French. He speaks them all, just not very often.

Your father's had a very bad experience. Well, you all have.

You seem very strong.

Well, someone's got to be.

Phoenix, I've looked in here. People have tried all sorts to get through to

dad.

I think we're running out of ideas.

Can't you just give him a tablet or something?

Make him like he used to be. There is something I can give him.

But I have to be honest with you.

If it doesn't work, then I think we might have to make some tough decisions.

You can't go on being the one in charge.

I can.

OK, this is us.

OK. OK, Debbie.

All right?

Don't look so worried, Miriam. I think you're going to like it.

Now take your time, have a good look around.

Our plots are down the far end.

We've even got our own manure, you'll be pleased to hear.

If you follow me, we'll have a bit of an explore.

Invasion started.

Don? What?

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

This is Ali. He's been on the scheme for over a year now.

Very successfully.

Can we grow okra?

If you can make it grow, it's up to you.

Can we grow potatoes?

You know where I am.

Hello.

Yeah.

Great, but... Forecast to rain later, though.

We've got a tool bank, a seed bank, as much advice as you need.

You said you were going to give him something.

We are.

We're giving him an allotment.

Listen.

When a man's completely broken...

You have to put him back together slowly, bit by bit.

Drugs don't always help.

But being outdoors, growing your own food, well, like that over there, look.

That can help.

All right?

Here.

The brother -in -law's had his name down for a plot here for years.

We are having an influx and there's nothing we can do to stop that.

So we have to present a united front.

Good fences.

Made good neighbours.

John.

This is the original constitution of the Blacktree Road allotment, 1921.

Now, if we stick to the letter of the law, as outlined herein, then our

guests won't have any comeback, will they? When we object to their

infringements. Yeah, and we should be welcoming these people.

Exactly. We want to welcome them, but on our terms. So we know where we stand,

and they know where they stand.

The solution is in our hand.

For instance, it says in here, it says, all sheds, all the sheds,

have to be kept in good repair and painted regulation red.

All the same colour.

No alfresco culinary preparation.

What's that then?

No barbecues. All right?

It's all in here. No ball games.

All right about that?

Great. No livestock.

What about my bees?

Bees? Yeah, bees.

And what about my goats?

Oh, well, if we allow your goats, what are we going to say to these gyppos when

they come along with the dogs? But Charlie's got a dog. I'm not talking

bloody Fido here, am I?

I'm talking about dogs for fighting and cockfighting and bear baiting. Figaro.

What?

His name's Figaro, not Fido.

Get rid of him. You keep your goats.

they'll be able to do what they like.

You see, in the past, we've had standards, we've lost them, we've got to

them back, otherwise we'll be swamped.

Why do we have to go?

Don't be noisy.

On your tin of paints here, Kenny, if you want to take it with you.

No ball games.

Regulation colour, I see.

It's their place.

I'm happy to stick to their rules.

You know, every time I pour a cup of tea, I forget to drink it until it's

Come through.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Color is very important, yes?

Yes. All the sheds have to be painted the same color.

But not just the shed.

Everyone.

You know, when a plant wants to attract a bee, what does it do?

Flowers?

Colorful flowers.

If you want to attract her, you're going to have to flower, huh?

It's good for him here.

At home, we grew things.

His father grew a lot of things, so...

He feels like his father, I think.

I think he's beginning to accept Desmond is dead.

I'll tell you what I notice.

When I ask how you are, you tell me how George is.

Well, I'm good to.

Not working too hard I hope. No, but got big plans though.

He doesn't want to come.

Don't be afraid.

Come this way.

Don't be afraid.

We're not going that way.

We're going this way.

Come on.

This way.

Don't worry.

Don't be afraid.

If

you

don't look over there, you won't see it.

Oh, can you turn that shirt down a bit? It's so loud, it's deafening me. Take my

notice, it's nice.

It's got panache, that.

Do you reckon?

Yeah, definitely panache. It's starting to make a bit of an effort.

Who's that for, then?

Leave him alone, you might get him off.

By the way, they're working too hard.

They cover the ground with this. Come on, I'll show you.

Here.

Cover the area.

Then it gets no sunlight.

All the weeds and grass, they just die.

I love this project.

We were hoping we were going to put him on tablet.

My mother was on tablet.

This is better.

Pull it tight.

You too, Mr. Coon. It's okay.

We can manage.

Keep it tight.

Plastic keeps the moisture in.

Keeps the sunlight out.

Then the potatoes grow. And as they grow, they break up the soil.

The potatoes dig the soil for you.

All you do is wait and see.

You don't have to wait right here.

It takes some time.

Come to our plot.

I put mine in already.

You can see what they look like when they're sprouting.

Thanks, by the way.

Right. Thanks for that, Mike.

Let's pop back to base and get the ball rolling.

To stop overflow when watering plants, first make a well in the compost with a

cane.

My husband was cultivating melons in his greenhouse.

They had grown so large we thought their stems might snap.

We made a wooden frame and used it for my old brother's cradles. The melon

snapped quite happily and won the prize at our annual village show.

Anti -aging formulation leaves your skin with that natural glow.

Natural glow.

Figaro, come here, you little tripound.

He's not disgraced himself, has he?

He's not left any messages.

Come here.

Excuse me.

You seem very out of breath.

Are you on medication?

What? Are you on medication?

Yes.

What are you taking?

Come, come on, come, come, please.

You take too many pills.

How do you know?

You're not a doctor.

Yes, I am a doctor, and you don't need this pill.

Well, maybe that's a matter of opinion, eh?

Maybe they do things differently where you come from.

Well, this one here is for women problems.

You have women problems?

What does he know?

Why would your doctor say you had women's trouble? He must be able to tell

not a woman.

I won't go to the doctor.

All right, she worries about me. So she goes, tells him the symptoms, and she

pretends it's her.

He gives her the tablets and I take them.

All right.

Yeah, it's blue.

Do you want to make something of it?

Thank you so much.

Yeah, well, actually, that's been the original constitution of 1921.

Right,

OK.

Gosh, this path could do with a bit of a tarmac, couldn't it?

This is my plot here.

It's the most productive on the site.

Hey, come here if you like this.

Strawberry cradle.

Easy for watering.

Stops rodents.

On average, I get, what, double the yield.

Invented it myself.

That's excellent, that is. I'm impressed.

It's going to be a tough one, this, you know.

A lot of people won't like it.

John, tell me, were you a copper?

35 years.

Yeah, I thought so.

The thing is, John, this is a tough one. And if it was just me on my lonesome, I

couldn't do it. Yeah, but you've got your colleague.

Useless. It's you.

I know you can see this is the right thing for all concerned, and I think

the kind of man that does the right thing.

Carla Davis speaking.

What do you use that for?

Cauliflowers.

Makes them grow bigger.

There's a prize for the biggest collie in the show in September.

He never wins it.

It's all boxed off.

The mayor judges the show, and the mayor, he used to be in the Masons with

Now, now, no cynicism. You're all shit in the same clog.

Yeah, here we are back at my plot. Council.

Council.

Immigration.

Immigration.

Mike, come on.

Wait there, John.

Straight in, lads.

We've got some raffle tickets, gents, if you want them. Two quid a pop for the

lifeboats. See Terry.

Members only this meeting.

Hello. Yeah.

So, you can't come in?

Voting members only, as you know. We don't want to vote. We only want to know

what's going on. What is going on is for voting members only.

Yeah, but couldn't they, like, just come in and observe, like a service data in

the United Nations?

Who asked you?

Well, you said I'm in charge of the door. This is the door. Get inside.

Kids, eh?

You give them a bit of power and what happens?

United Nations, for Christ's sake.

Just put your plat number on the stub there.

Right, so what we've got is guest speakers and then this thing about

procedure. You should have had this about that.

And then the issue... of Shed Colour, namely Kenny's Shed. Any points of

Can we sort this Shed Colour business out first?

Oh, it's protocol.

Guest speakers first.

Given the seriousness of the situation, namely that he is just taking the piss

now, can we just waive the protocol?

No, we can't waive protocol.

That's why it's protocol, so you can't waive it. Oh, I suppose a blue shed is

protocol, is it?

A blue shed is any other business.

My name's Carla, and myself and my colleague Mike over there, we represent

mobile phone company.

We're here today because we've got permission to build a mast on a plot of

within these allotments.

Now, one or two plots will be directly affected.

Well, they'll go, basically.

Which plot?

At the far end.

It's where the gypos are.

But we have some overseas guests who have plots down there. It'll be one of

theirs that goes.

Oh, well, that's not so bad then.

No, but still. We do realise that this will cause a certain amount of upheaval,

and in consideration of that, even though there's no obligation on us to do

we've decided to make a contribution to the funds of the committee.

How much?

£5 ,000.

Is it definitely going to be one of the gypo plots then? I say so.

Five grand for one plot.

Yeah, we can't just take their plots away, though, can we?

Well, I've looked into this, and constitutionally, yes, we can.

Great. Well, we've got a consensus, then.

Hey, look, these people have worked hard.

No, their plots mean a lot to them. Right, well, not quite a consensus, but

the way.

I think he's got a point. I mean, who are we to say?

Well, well...

He's becoming controversial and philosophical in order to talk his shed

agenda. This is questions from the floor now, and that was a question.

This mask, what colour is it going to be?

Well, design's not really part of my portfolio.

What bloody difference does the colour make?

Oh, I thought colour was the big issue here.

Well, we can be quite flexible on appearance. We usually finish the mask

sympathetic wood cladding.

My question is, have you said everything you've got to say, girl?

Yes. I think so.

Right, then. Thank you very much, then.

OK. Bye.

Now, can we get on with this bloody meeting?

Where are you going?

These aren't the only busy ones, you know. My toms need hardening off. Well,

can't go now.

I can go whenever I like. This is an allotment meeting, not the Moscow bloody

show trials.

Martial bloody burial.

Can we do the raffle?

The men and women.

Them, oh, them.

They're from a phone company, just some phone company. A phone company?

They're going to give us money, you know, for some community thing.

You mean they're not immigration?

No. They're not going to make difficulties?

Not difficulties, no.

The next thing is voting procedure, which is a constitutional change and

therefore requires a simple majority of members to be present in order to be

quarrelled. Now that Kenny and his mates have gone, we are no longer quarrelled.

Oh, bloody hell.

So now can we do the raffle?

And the winner is... ..plot number

22. Oh.

That's one of those overseas lot, isn't it? I think it is, yeah.

Terrible. They get everything, don't they? Barbara, you can't say that.

Well, I'm sorry, but it's true. Miriam.

I've no idea.

Three pound of pork chops, three pound of sausage, side of bacon, a chicken,

a crate of ale, a bottle of whiskey, 200 cigarettes.

The thing is, I should warn you, love, they're shite.

George. Come and help me, George.

I told you someone was taking care of us, didn't I?

Hi.

We're from a phone company, a mobile phone company. I know.

Come in.

Welcome to Miriam Land.

Would you like a drink?

We have beer. We have lots of beer. We want it as a prize.

Do you want to see what we are growing?

Well, no. We're just... Touching base.

Touching base, exactly.

Come and see.

I have beans.

And okra.

Phone company.

Hello, phone company. How are you?

I'm Ali.

Good to see you. This is my wife, Soraya.

Got you, got you.

Hello, hello. Phone company. So good to meet you. So good. So good you are phone

company. And not something else.

I'm going to cook for you.

She's a good cook.

Not bad. She's good.

You want to eat meat?

Why not?

It's beautiful.

You look like you're from big company.

We used to have some troubles with immigration.

But then it was you, a member of parliament. You wrote a letter about me.

said he is a school governor, he is a volunteer.

I am... Good sort. Good sort.

Oh, sorry, excuse me. I'm going to take this.

So we are hopeful. Hello.

Great. Uh -huh.

I have cigarettes and ale and meat.

Our prize is from the raffle.

I have the prices even though I didn't tempt her.

That's because somebody's looking after me. They're looking after me very well.

Even my tea's still warm.

God keeps your tea warm.

Not God.

Desmond, my late husband.

He's taking care of us.

Good?

Very good.

When my father comes back, he'll be impressed.

Where's your father?

My mother thinks he's dead.

He gives up to Eden

Hi. Attracted to your shirt, John.

What? To be.

Attracted to your shirt.

A lot of us are, you know.

Not one of mine.

What?

That's a whitetail bee. You get them everywhere.

I only keep great yellows.

Practically extinct now. I used to get them all the way down to Cornwall and

it's just the Orkneys and Blacktree Road allotments.

Well, if you two are going to talk about the birds and the bees, I'll go and get

myself a chipolata.

I don't actually know anything about birds.

Only bees.

Right.

So what do you think?

Nothing like Frozen.

Wouldn't have known it was the same festival. No, thanks. This is ideal,

plot, from an actor's point of view.

I can smell meat and garlic.

Our position on al fresco culinary preparation is very clear. I'm surprised

you. This is betrayal of what we stand for, this is.

Right, come on.

Party's over.

That's my ball.

You can't just take his ball.

We discussed this in committee. If you want to raise an objection, you have to

go through the proper channels.

Come on, Mr John.

Don't be so mean.

Mean?

The ball.

I'll be nice to me, if I will.

I'll be very nice to me.

Why is that?

Never you mind why.

What are they anyway?

Only it better not be anything dodgy.

Drugs, like.

Cannabis or bloody sunflowers.

Or delphiniums. I can't stand the sight of them.

I don't want to be looking at delphiniums all day.

Shut in,

Mella.

Shark fin melon.

Shark fin melon.

Oh, that's all right then.

Nobody minds a bit of shark fin melon, did they?

Hello?

Erm, I noticed that the rabbits have eaten all the cabbages and I haven't

planted mine. I've got plenty.

Oh, thank you very much.

Something.

Your old man's not knocking about, is he?

Why? Of course.

Only when I get up quick, say after I've been weeding, I get these spots in

front of my eyes.

If you wait there, he'll see you in a moment.

Thank you very much.

You're very welcome.

Best I've ever had.

Never felt better since he'd come along.

He's got the touch.

He helped me with a problem I had. I heard you had a spot of women's trouble.

The point is, once these phone people move in, we're going to lose one of our

guests. And between you and me, they've left it up to me which one.

I'm going to make sure it's not this fella.

I mean, he's an asset, isn't he? We don't want to lose an asset.

Yeah, but we don't want to lose Miriam either.

Why's that?

Look, she's putting so much work, isn't she?

She's got a nice show of beans.

What? So I'm going to say to these phone people, we don't want your five grand

because this woman's got a lovely show of beans.

It's going to be a tough decision.

I'll tell you that much.

When people say it's a tough decision, Mike, what they mean is they want a

present. That's what working with a brain in the community means.

Firing people off.

That's all right.

We thought you'd like to acquaint yourselves with a product.

You know, we're going to be working together, and these phones are what

all about.

Communication.

Yeah?

Well, enjoy them.

We can download ringtones and assign them to different people so you can tell

who's ringing.

For instance, if mine does this... That

means that's my boss Carla who's ringing.

His name's Jones.

It's Mrs.

His Mrs. is Mrs.

Jones.

Me and Mrs.

Jones.

Sorry I'm late.

You going out? I got some good news.

This'll do for my missus.

All right.

Hello, love. Your tea's ready.

Oh, good. What are we having?

Liver and onions.

That'll do for her.

Yeah. The minute you walk in the joint...

I could see you were a man of distinction, a real big spender, good

looking, so refined.

Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind? So let me get right

to the point.

I don't pop my cork for every guy I see.

Wouldn't you like to have fun, fun, fun?

How's about a few laughs, laughs?

I can show you a fine day, a sunny day. We've got light winds coming in from the

south -west.

That'll be nice. There could be a touch of frost in place. The gardeners might

want to protect those tender plants.

All right, I'll do that, thanks.

They've got your shed again.

It'll take a bigger man than anyone here to raise their hand and vote against my

shed. Phones off, please. You can enjoy them later on.

Right, first item, voting procedure, followed by item two, colour of shed.

Has everyone had this about voting procedure?

Proposed changes that, where appropriate, we have a secret ballot

show of hands.

Proposed?

Seconded. Those in favour?

Carried. Next item, colour of shed.

Proposed to take stringent methods to reinforce colour regulation, i .e. all

sheds to be painted regulation red.

Proposed.

Seconded. Proceed to vote.

By secret ballot.

Secret what?

We've just voted on a change to voting procedure. That was the change. We've

changed the secret ballot.

We voted for it itself.

Select them up, John, as quickly as you can.

One against, the rest in favour. One against?

What about... What about you two?

Kelly?

Kelly!

Kelly! Come on, you can't have one rupee. Shut it!

All right, Lutz.

You missed a bit

Her

skin

has that natural glow

You can't really tell from a photo, can you?

She looks nice enough, like.

She's gone now.

Years since.

I was at sea.

We were all right then.

We used to ride to each other and everything.

Then I jacked it all in.

Next thing I knew, she was gone.

I never talk about her. At least I think I've still got her, but she's gone.

Do you have a book?

A what?

A book to read.

In English.

I only like talking to you because you can't understand what I'm saying.

Potting on time?

Oh, yeah.

Well, when something's ready, you have to let it out, don't you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And if you don't make a move forward, well... What if it's pot bound?

Like a passion flower, maybe.

This way.

Waiting to see you now.

Thank you. Hello, Mr. Jones. Hello, Doctor.

So, how is it? Well, it's like I want to weep.

Dr.

Ali Mazlou, a flat 2, 4, Salisbury House.

Only you don't actually live at your registered address, do you, Dr. Mazlou,

some reason?

As you know, your application for asylum has been rejected and your right to

appeal has been exhausted.

Under the Immigration Act of 1989, we are therefore here to remove you to a

designated detention centre.

No, no, there's a mistake.

I have a letter from MP.

Can I see it, please? Your copy of the letter was sent to your registered

address. No, no.

That's not correct. I have to ask you again. Are you going to come

Where?

Please.

Don't do this.

You cannot do this.

Please, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not here, please. No, no, no, no, no,

no.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Don't touch my son. Don't touch him.

Give him back to me. Give my son back. I

can assure you, sir,

this is all proper procedure.

You make me ashamed.

I love you.

I love you.

Where's the sense in it?

The man's a doctor. How can you have too many doctors?

They've chucked this lad out of the country who was a good lad and we're

hold of all this rubbish.

What rubbish is that, Kenny?

People who leave their chewing gum under their seats on buses. Why can't they

deport them and leave all the doctors here?

People who collect their kids from school and they've still got their

on. That lot off the telly. What lot off the telly? All of them.

Paris Hilton.

Paris Hilton doesn't live here. I don't care where she lives. Get rid of her

anyway.

Charlotte Church.

Oh, Charlotte Church.

Peter Andre.

Peter bloody Andre.

Peter bloody Andre. Justin bloody Timberlake. All right, yeah.

David Asseloff.

David Asseloff.

Actually, scrub that.

The 100 % dog's breath, worst of the lot of them. Yeah.

Who?

You two.

What? You traitorous, faulty -faced, arse -licking lackeys!

Secret bloody ballot!

I'm not your mom. I'm not your secretary.

I'm not your maid.

I'm just a little girl.

You've not come here without me telling you to before.

Is that a good sign or a bad one?

You know, you were doing really well before they took Ali away.

You were working on the plot, you were growing things.

Kung -Fang, you need to talk.

You know you do.

Dolce and Gabbana.

What about them?

Well, you could deport them, couldn't you, Kenny?

Dolce and Gabbana, right.

Tony and Cherie.

Definite, yeah.

Oh, Christ, yeah.

Van Morrison.

What? What's he playing at, at his age?

Hey, I tell you who could go. My missus. Your missus, yeah, and my missus and

all. She could go, wouldn't her? Oh, aye, and mine too.

The mother -in -law.

And that snotty gal from the post office.

He could go.

Simon Cowell. Oh, yeah.

Ozzy Osbourne.

And Sharon.

Bob the Builder.

What? Well, he's overcapitalised, isn't he?

I mean, there's only him and Wendy. Look at all the plant they've got.

Muck, scoop, dizzy, a crane.

What does he need a bloody crane for? All he ever does is build a wall. There

you go.

Kenny!

I need your help.

Well, you're going to have to tidy up all this rubbish and these weeds will

to come out.

Go on, then.

What? Go on.

Well, come on then.

I'm not doing it on my own.

Only half a door on an allotment.

That's looking a bit smarter.

Thank you.

What exactly are you doing?

You know, liaising, working with the community.

Had some problem with his weeds.

What's the point in solving his weed problem if you're going to concrete his

plot? Well, we won't be concreting his plot, will we? We don't know, do we?

up to logistics, isn't it?

Well, yeah, but that plot's finished with, isn't it? We could use that plot

without upsetting anyone.

You know, working with a grain of the community.

We are community relations.

Where the mast goes is logistics.

It's not your pigeon, it's theirs.

I thought you said it was that guy's pigeon, the chairman.

When you said that, we think he was in the loop.

I'm only trying to think outside the box. We need to think outside the box

inside your pigeon.

Carla Davis.

Hello, hi.

No, no, no, everything's going great.

What do you want now?

Can you buy me some chips, please?

Can't your dad feed you?

Come on, then.

You want good chips like this in a chippy?

There we go.

Are you sure he's been treating you?

Oh, don't let me interrupt you.

I'm just looking at all this bloody washing up now.

I've got football.

Book. Thought you might be interested.

When I was at sea, I couldn't settle on a good book.

So I had this, you know.

It's poems.

Been everywhere with me, that one.

Valparaiso, Zanzibar, whatever.

Few good ones in there.

Quite a lot of shite.

Your plot's all right, if that's what you're worried about.

Your lot's done a great job there.

You must have done a great job of him, mind you, because he's a great lad.

Yeah, mate.

Can't stand there.

Can't stand there, mate. You have to move.

I have two children.

I brought them here in one of those.

We had to leave China because of me.

Some businessmen came from the city.

They wanted to take our land to build their offices.

I said, no, this is not right.

I went to speak to the authorities.

I just made things worse.

There was a big fight.

They threatened my family.

So we had to leave.

Their mother...

died on the way.

We sat with her body all those days.

If a man says too much,

My book, mate. You've got something to say, you should say it.

Stay away from the fence, all right, mate?

Twittons for tying peas to peepholes.

Um... No, I don't think so. You wouldn't use a bit of string?

No, string burns the stems. I'm looking for the plastic.

Oh.

Well, we'll have to see what we can do, because if there's no flowers, there's

no peas.

Yeah, I know that.

No flower, do you see?

Because you've got to blossom, haven't you?

Otherwise there's no fruit.

See what I'm saying?

You might feel all safe tucked up in your bud, but there comes a point where

you've got to spread your petals, haven't you?

Otherwise, as I said, no fruit.

Think about it.

How was... You do that before?

You do it all the time?

Whenever I can.

I like to make sure you're all right, because... Well, because the fact is...

All this time, all this time, I think he's looking out for me.

You buy raffle tickets, too?

That was you?

Oh, my God.

I think Desmond is looking out for me.

He's not looking out for me. No, but I am.

I'm looking out for you because... If he's not looking out for me, where is

I am happy when he's looking out for me.

Because he is dead, OK, but he is still with me.

If he's not here, where is he?

I'm on my own.

No, you're not.

Because... Because what?

Because... Because...

You are very well thought of.

So, leave me alone.

Just leave me alone!

You and your stupid, stupid, stupid, horrible shirt!

Well, hello, Hawaii.

Is that a shirt?

Looks more like an accident in a paint factory.

Hey, have you seen this shirt?

It's that loud, it could have its own ASBO.

I don't believe it.

What have I read?

Made a right fool of himself.

Hopefully that's knocked all that out of him.

Chasing women.

I mean, who'd have him?

I thought your shirts were nice, John.

Was that with you?

I thought they were.

No.

What's up with her? You know, your dad is right about you. You are useless.

She thought the shirts were for her.

What, she wanted my shirts?

She thought you were wearing them.

For her.

Oh.

I'll do it. You wait here.

John, got something for you.

How about that?

Thank you very much. It's our pleasure.

Don't spend it all at once.

Can I enter this in the show?

What is it?

It's okra.

Unfortunately, we don't have a category for alien species.

Okra is a kind of hibiscus, I think.

I think it's a mallow. Not on these allotments, it's not.

Well, it's anything, right?

Quite good value for one plot, eh?

They're telling me.

Well, it wasn't me.

It was your lad.

You really put some back into it, you know.

Good.

What do you think?

He's doing all right, hasn't he?

Take it this is your husband.

There was some confusion over the name thing. I checked.

You were on the wrong database.

I thought you were dead.

No.

I'm not dead.

I've been in Lester.

Well, the issue is, how we allocate this money from the phone people.

So what are you going to do with it then, John?

Well, obviously, it's a priority to make this meeting area more viable. We want

proper seating, decent lighting, maybe a raised area back here. In other words,

a throne for his lordship here. The committee is open to suggestions if

got any better ideas. I do have a better idea as it happens.

Security.

Well, security is an issue, obviously. We had an incident down our end just a

couple of weeks back.

Involving a dibber? That's right, involving a dibber. I was wondering when

were going to get around to it. What we need is razor wire, or if we all chipped

in, we could have an on -site guard.

So the motion is that we earmark the money from the phone people to spend on

increased security rather than doing something about this place.

Vote away.

Are you ready?

You should be ready to get it off them as soon as they've finished writing.

Yes, put the pens in one hand and the papers in the other.

The motion is carried.

Is it the doctor lad's plot they're going to use, the one who they took

No, no, I don't think so.

It's going to be your oriental pal's plot.

Motormouth. Well?

You know, the one who wanted increased security.

Got to pay for it somehow.

So, they're pumpkins, are they? The mystery veg.

That's a disappointment, isn't it?

Pumpkins.

Except for Halloween.

Do you have Halloween?

Oh!

You could still enter them in the show, mind you.

It's like a fat female.

They make a wonder soup.

This is a kind of squash.

It breaks into strands that look like shark meat.

Shark meat is very expensive, so this is the poor man's shark meat.

The poor man's luxury.

The soup is called Strands of Wonder.

Thank you.

Wanderers. Wanderers.

Wanderers.

I know what you're up to and it's not going to happen.

Well, I think the decision... Will have to be changed.

There's a plot standing empty there with no -one in it.

But what can I do?

I can have a word.

Mike!

I can only apologise, Steve.

I assure you...

Of course, Steve.

I'll get right back to you.

Many thanks. Bye.

What it is, a few of us have been having a talk. We've decided against.

Against what?

We want the lad to keep his plot.

He's worked hard on it. He's got these melons. We tried his soup. It's called

Strands of Wonders Soup.

Oh, that's good.

Fine. We don't actually need your approval.

How do you mean?

Well, we don't need your permission.

We just wanted you to be happy. If you're not happy, you're sad. What can I

We tried.

I need to work with my colleague.

This is your first job, isn't it, Mike?

Well, I used to do... Job seekers, job search, jobs were all on your back.

Years on end, making your life a misery. I know. I've been there.

And now, we're not there. We're here, aren't we?

Yeah. Lovely.

Well, if you don't want to go back there, start doing your job.

Because I can bust you back there quick as I like. I can bust you back there so

you stay there forever till you're an old man still living on whatever

bloody estate it is you live on. Okay? Do you follow me? Lovely.

You'll be interested to hear the razor wire has arrived.

Oi.

What are you doing?

Hang on a minute.

I boxed a bit, you know, when I was in the police.

Did you?

Yeah. District champion, two years running.

Oi.

You're bad!

You're never coming back to these allotments again, do you hear me?

I hear you.

So what?

Barbara look.

What do you want?

I have something to show you.

Everyone wants you back.

Everyone.

There was an election.

A revolution.

Unanimous. That means you voted against your own father.

Yeah.

I'd like to thank your new chairwoman, Barbara, for inviting me here today.

We in the council are very proud of our allotments policy.

Personally, I don't know much about gardening, but I do know a lot about

because of my crown green bowling.

Which is how Barbara and I became friends. Another bloody stick -up, then.

first prize of the day is the cauliflower dressed with three -inch

that goes to plot number five.

Oh!

Well done.

And on to the prize for the heaviest onion.

This goes to plot number three.

And that's me.

Well done, Barbara.

Thank you.

Now we're moving to table marrow, not to exceed 15 inches.

It's me again.

Well done, Barbara, again. Thank you.

Oh, bloody hell.

I hate all this slugness. I'm not going in there.

I have a show.

Loving us along, eh?

Finally, on to the Betty Ratcliffe Memorial Trophy for the best

overall plot.

And that goes to plot number 22.

Sorry,

standing too close.

Sorry. Don't be sorry.

I don't mind you being close.

You

missed

a bit.

Sorry.

Blippin' up my boo!

I could be in my cell.

I could live when nobody else.

I'm in a world of fantasy.

So I'm going back, I'm going back to reality.

I've been searching.