Original subtitles

(roaring)

(somber piano music)

(pleasant music)

(upbeat piano music)

- I was sitting with my friend, Arthur Cornbloom,

in a restaurant.

It was an Horn & Hardart cafeteria

and this beautiful girl walked in and I turned to Arthur

and I said, "Arthur, you see that girl?

"I'm going to marry her."

And two weeks later we were married

and it's over 50 years later and we are still married.

♪ It's very clear ♪

♪ Our love is here to stay

- I love you.

- I love you.

♪ Not for all year rs

♪ But ever and a day

♪ Oh, the radio ♪

♪ And the telephones

♪ And the movies that we know ♪

♪ May just be passing fancies ♪

(birds chirping)

(clearing throat)

(clearing throat loudly)

- Oh hi, Sally.

Sally, this is Harry Burns.

Harry, this is Sally Albright.

- Nice to meet you.

- You wanna drive the first shift?

- No, you're there already, you can start.

- Back's open.

- Call me.

- I'll call you as soon as I get there.

- Call me from the road.

- I'll call you before that.

- I love you.

- I love you.

(horn honking)

- Sorry.

- I miss you already.

- I miss you. - Huh?

I miss you already.

Bye.

- Bye.

♪ In time, the Rockies may crumble ♪

♪ Gibraltar may tumble

♪ They only made of clay ♪

♪ But.

♪ Our love is here to stay

- I have it all figured out.

It's an 18 hour trip,

which breaks down into six shifts of three hours each

or alternatively we can break it down by mileage.

There's a map on the visor

that I've marked to show the locations

where we can change shifts.

- Grape?

- No, I don't like to eat between meals.

- I'll roll down the window.

Why don't you tell me the story of your life?

- The story of my life?

- We got 18 hours to kill before we hit New York.

- The story of my life isn't even gonna

get us out of Chicago.

I mean, nothing's happened to me yet.

That's why I'm going to New York.

- So something happened to you?

- Yes. - Like what?

- Like I'm going journalism school to become a reporter.

- So you can write about things that happen to other people.

- That's one way to look at it.

- Suppose nothing happens to you.

Suppose you lived out your whole life and nothing happens,

you never meet anybody, you never become anything

and finally you die in one of those New York deaths

where nobody notices for two weeks

until the smell drifts into the hallway.

- [Sally] Amanda mentioned you had a dark side.

- [Harry] That's what drew her to me.

- [Sally] Your dark side.

- Sure.

Why, don't you have a dark side?

No, you're probably one of those cheerful people

who dots their i's with little hearts.

- I have just as much of a dark side as the next person.

- Oh really.

When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first.

That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends.

That, my friend, is a dark side.

- That doesn't mean you're deep or anything.

I mean,

yes, basically I'm a happy person.

- [Harry] So am I.

- And I don't see that there's anything wrong with that.

- Of course not, you're too busy being happy.

Do you ever think about death?

- Yes.

- Sure you do.

A fleeting thought that jumps in and out

of the transient of your mind.

I spend hours, I spend days.

- And you think this makes you a better person?

- Look, when the shit comes down,

I'm gonna be prepared and you're not, that's all I'm saying.

- And in the mean time, you're gonna ruin

your whole life waiting for it.

(pleasant piano music)

You're wrong!

- [Harry] I'm not wrong.

- [Sally] You're wrong!

- [Harry] He wants her to leave.

That's why he puts her on the plane.

- [Sally] I don't think she wants to stay.

- [Harry] Of course she wants to stay.

Wouldn't you rather be with Humphrey Bogart

than the other guy?

- [Sally] I don't want to spend the rest of my life

in Casablanca married to a man who runs a bar.

That probably sounds very snobbish to you but I don't.

- [Harry] You'd rather be in a passionless marriage.

- [Sally] And be the First Lady of Czechoslovakia.

- Than live with the man you've had

the greatest sex of you life with,

just because he owns a bar and that is all he does?

- Yes.

And so would any woman in her right mind.

Women are very practical, even Ingrid Bergman,

which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie.

- I understand.

- What?

What?

- Nothing.

- What?

- Forget about it.

- What, forget about what?

- It's not important.

- Just tell me.

- Obviously you haven't had great sex yet.

Two please.

- Right over there. (crowed commotion)

- Yes I have. (crowed commotion)

- No you haven't. (crowed commotion)

- It just so happens that I have had plenty of good sex.

(crowd silencing)

("Ramblin' Man" by The Allman Brothers Band)

♪ Lord, I was born a ramblin' man ♪

- With whom?

- What?

- With whom did you have this great sex?

- I'm not gonna tell you that.

- Fine, don't tell me.

♪ I was born a ramblin' man ♪

- Shel Gordon.

- Shel? Sheldon?

No, no, you didn't have great sex with Sheldon.

- I did too.

- No you didn't.

A Sheldon can do your income taxes.

If you need a root canal, Sheldon's your man,

but humping and pumping is not Sheldon's strong suit.

It's the name.

"Do it to me, Sheldon, you're an animal, Sheldon,

"ride me big Sheldon."

Doesn't work.

- [Waitress] Hi.

What can I get you?

- I'll have the number three.

- I'd like the chef salad, please,

with the oil and vinegar on the side

and the apple pie a la mode.

- Chef and apple a la mode.

- But I'd like the pie heated

and I don't want the ice cream on top, I want it on the side

and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it.

If not, then no ice cream just whipped cream

but only if it's real, if it's out of a can then nothing.

- Not even the pie?

- No, just the pie but then not heated.

- Uh huh.

- What?

- Nothing, nothing.

So, how come you broke up with Sheldon?

- How do you know we broke up?

- Because if you didn't break up,

you wouldn't be here with me.

You'd be off with Sheldon the wonder-schiong.

- First of all, I am not "with" you,

and second of all, it is none of your business

why we broke up.

- You're right, you're right.

I don't wanna know.

- Well if you must know,

it was because he was very jealous

and I had these days-of-the-week underpants.

(imitating a wrong answer buzzer)

- I'm sorry, I need a judge's ruling on this.

"Days-of-week underpants."

- Yes.

They had the days of the week on them

and I thought they were sort of funny.

And then one day, Sheldon says to me,

"You never wear Sunday."

It's all suspicious, "Where was Sunday?

"Where had I left Sunday?"

And I told him and he didn't believe me.

- What?

- They don't make Sunday.

- Why not?

- Because of God.

(crickets chirping)

Okay, so 15 percent of my share

is 90.

6.90.

This leaves seven.

What?

Do I have something on my face?

- You're a very attractive person.

- Thank you.

- Amanda never said how attractive you were.

- Well may be she doesn't think I'm attractive.

- I don't think it's a matter of opinion.

Empirically, you are attractive.

- Amanda is my friend.

- So?

- So, you're going with her.

- So?

- So you're coming on to me.

- No I wasn't.

What?

Can't a man say a woman is attractive

without it being a come-on?

- All right, all right.

Let's just say, just for the sake of argument,

that it was a come-on.

What do you want me to do about it?

I take it back, okay?

I take it back.

- You can't take it back.

- Why not?

- Because it's already out there.

- Oh geez, what are we suppose to do?

Call the cops, it's already out there.

- Just let it lie.

Okay?

- Great, let it lie.

That's my policy.

That's what I always say, "Let it lie."

Wanna spend the night at a motel?

See what I did?

I didn't let it lie. - Harry.

- I said I would and then I didn't.

- Harry. - I went the other way.

- Harry? - What?

- We are just going to be friends, okay?

- Great, friends.

It's the best thing.

You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.

- [Sally] Why not?

- What I'm saying is,

and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form,

is that men and women can't be friends

because the sex part always gets in the way.

- That's not true.

I have a number of men friends

and there's is no sex involved.

- No you don't. - Yes I do.

- No you don't. - Yes I do.

- You only think you do.

- You're saying I'm having sex with these men

without my knowledge?

- No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.

- They do not. - Do too.

- They do not. - Do too.

- How do you know?

- Because no man can be friends with a woman

that he finds attractive.

He always wants to have sex with her.

- So you're saying that a man can be friends

with a woman he finds unattractive.

- No, you pretty much wanna nail 'em too.

- What if they don't wanna have sex with you?

- Doesn't matter,

because the sex thing is already out there,

so the friendship is ultimately doomed

and that is the end of the story.

- Well I guess we're not gonna be friends then.

- Guess not.

- That's too bad.

You were the only person that I knew in New York.

♪ You say ee-ther and I say either s

♪ You say nee-ther and I say neither"

♪ Ee-ther, either,

♪ A nee-ther, a neither

♪ Let's call the whole thing off

♪ You like potato and I like potahto

♪ You like tomato and I like tomahto ♪

♪ Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto

♪ Let's call the whole thing off

(traffic commotion)

- Thanks for the ride.

- Yeah, it was interesting.

- It was nice knowing you.

- Yeah.

Well, have a nice life.

- You too.

♪ You like potato and I like potahto

♪ You like tomato and I like tomahto ♪

♪ Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto.

♪ Let's call the whole thing off

- We fell in love in high school.

- Yeah, we were high school sweethearts.

- But then after our junior year, his parents moved away.

- But I never forgot her.

- He never forgot me.

- No, her face was burned on my brain

and it was 34 years later that I was walking down Broadway

and I saw her come out of Toffenetti's.

- And we both looked at each other,

and it was just as though not a single day had gone by.

- She was just as beautiful as she was at sixteen.

- He was just the same.

He looked exactly the same.

♪ It seems we stood and talked ♪

♪ Like this, before ♪

♪ We looked at each other in the same way then

♪ But I can't remember where or when ♪

(Sally giggling)

- Joe, I thought it was you, I thought it was you.

Harry Burns.

- Harry, Harry how're you doing?

- Good, how're you doing?

- Fine, I'm doing fine.

- Yeah, that's great.

I was just walking by and I thought it was you

and there it is, it's you!

- Yeah, yeah, it was. (laughing)

- Are you still with the DA's office?

- [Joe] No, I switched to the other side.

What about you?

- I work with a small firm, we do political consulting.

- Oh, yeah. - It's been great, yeah.

(laughing)

- Oh, Harry, this is Sally Albright.

Harry Burns.

Harry and I, we used to, we lived in the same building.

(laughing)

- Well, listen, I got a plane to catch,

it was really good to see you, Joe.

- [Joe] You too, Harry.

- Bye.

- Thank God he couldn't place me.

I drove from college to New York with him five years ago

and it was the longest night of my life.

- What happened?

- He made a pass at me and when I said no,

he was going with a girlfriend of mine.

Oh God, I can't remember her name.

Don't get involved with me, Joe,

I am 26 years old and I can't even remember the name

of the girl I was such good friends with

I wouldn't get involved with her boyfriend.

- So what happened?

- When?

- When he made a pass at you and you said no.

- Oh, oh.

I said we could just be friends.

And this part I remember,

he said that men and women could never really be friends.

Do you think that's true?

- No.

- Do you have any women friends, just friends?

- No.

But I will get one if it is important to you.

- Amanda Reese.

That was her name, thank God.

- I will miss you.

I love you.

- You do?

- Yes.

- I love you.

- And what would you like to drink?

- [Woman] Nothing, thanks.

- Do you have any Bloody Marry mix?

- [Attendant] Yes.

- No, wait.

Here's what I want.

Regular tomato juice, filled up about three quarters

than add a splash of Bloody Marry mix, just a splash,

and a little piece of lime but on the side.

- The University of Chicago, right?

- Yes.

- Did you look this good at the University of Chicago?

- No.

- Did we ever?

- No, no.

We drove from Chicago to New York together after graduation.

- Would you two like to sit together?

- No. - Great, thank you.

You were a good friend of.

- Amanda's.

I can't believe you can't remember her name.

- What do you mean, I can remember.

- Amanda, right, Amanda Rice.

- Reese. - Reese, right.

That's what I said.

Whatever happened to her?

- I have no idea.

- You have no idea?

You were really good friends with her.

We didn't make it because you were such good friends.

- You went with her.

- And was it worth it?

The sacrifice for a friend that you don't even

keep in touch with?

- Harry, you might not believe this

but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice.

- Fair enough.

Fair enough.

You were gonna be a gymnast.

- A journalist.

- Right, that's what I said, and?

- I am a journalist, I work at the news.

- Great and you're with Joe.

Well that's great.

Great.

You're together, what, three weeks?

- A month.

How did you know that?

- You take someone to the airport,

it's clearly the beginning of a relationship.

That's why I have never taken anyone to the airport

at the beginning of a relationship.

- Why?

- Because eventually things move on

and you don't take someone to the airport,

and I never wanted anyone to say to me,

"How come you never take me to the airport anymore?"

- It's amazing, you look like a normal person

but actually you're the Angel of Death.

- Are you gonna marry him?

- We have only known each other for a month,

and besides, neither one of us is looking

to get married right now.

- I'm getting married.

- You are?

- Mhmm.

- You are.

- Yeah.

- Who is she?

- Helen Helson, she's a lawyer, she's keeping her name.

(laughing)

- You're getting married.

- Yeah. (laughing)

What's so funny about that?

- It's, no.

(laughing)

It's just so optimistic of you, Harry.

- Well you'd be amazed what falling madly in love

can do for you.

- Well it's wonderful.

It's nice to see you embracing life in this manner.

- Yeah, plus you know you just get to a certain point

where you get tired of the whole thing.

- What "whole thing?"

- The whole life-of-a-single-guy thing.

You meet someone, you have the safe lunch,

you decide you like each other enough to move on to dinner.

You go dancing, you do the white-man's over-bite,

go back to her place, you have sex

and the minute you're finished,

you know what goes through your mind?

How long do I have to lie here and hold her

before I can get up and go home?

Is 30 seconds enough?

- That's what you're thinking?

Is that true?

- Sure, all men think that.

How long do you want to be held afterwards?

All night, right?

See that's the problem.

Somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem.

- I don't have a problem.

- Yeah you do.

(airplane screeching)

Staying over?

- Yes.

- Would you like to have dinner?

Just friends.

- I thought you didn't believe

men and women could be friends.

- When did I say that?

- On the ride to New York.

- No, no, no, no, I never said that.

Yes, that's right, they can't be friends.

Unless both of them are involved with other people,

then they can.

This is an amendment to the earlier rule,

if the two people are in relationships,

the pressure of possibility of involvement is lifted.

That doesn't work either because what happens then

is the person you're involved with can't understand

why you need to be friends

with the person you're just friends with.

Like it means something is missing from their relationship

and "Why do you have to go outside to get it?"

Then when you say, "No, no, no, no, it's not true.

"Nothing is missing from the relationship."

The person you're involved with then accuses you

of being secretly attracted to the person

you're just friends with, which we probably are.

I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding?

Let's face it.

Which brings us back to the earlier rule

before the amendment,

which is men and women can't be friends,

so where does that leave us?

- Harry? - What?

- Goodbye.

- Okay.

I'll just stop walking, I'll let you go ahead.

- We were married 40 years ago.

We were married three years, we got a divorce.

Then I married Marjorie.

- But first you lived with Barbara.

- Right, Barbara.

But I didn't marry Barbara, I married Marjorie.

- Then he got a divorce.

- Right, then I married Katie.

- Another divorce.

- Then, a couple of years later,

at Eddie Collecio's funeral,

I ran into her.

I was with some girl I don't even remember.

- Roberta.

- Right, Roberta.

But I couldn't take my eyes off you.

I remember I snuck over to her and I said.

What did I say?

- You said, "What're you doing after?"

- Right.

So I ditch Roberta, we go for coffee.

A month later we're married.

- 35 years, to the day, after our first marriage.

- I went through his pockets, okay?

- Marie, why do you go through his pockets?

- You know what I found?

- No, what?

- They just bought a dinning room table.

He and his wife just went out and spent 16 hundred dollars

on a dinning room table.

- Where?

- The point isn't where, Alice.

The point is he's never gonna leave her.

- So what else is new, you've known this for two years.

- You're right, you're right, I know you're right.

- Why can't you find someone single?

When I was single I knew lots of nice single men.

There must be someone.

Sally found someone.

- [Marie] Sally got the last good one.

- Joe and I broke up.

- What?

- When?

- Monday.

- You waited three days to tell us?

- Joe's available?

- Oh for God sakes, Marie,

don't you have any feelings about this?

She's obviously upset.

- I'm not that upset,

we've been growing apart for quite a while

- But you guys were a couple,

you had someone to go places with,

you had a date on national holidays.

- I said to myself, "You deserve more than this.

"You're thirty one years old."

- And the clock is ticking.

- No, the clock doesn't really start to tick

until you're 36.

- God, you're in such great shape.

- Well, I've had a few days to get use to it

and I feel okay.

- Good, then you're ready.

- Really, Marie.

- Well how else do you think you do it?

I've got the perfect guy.

I don't happen to find him attractive but you might.

She doesn't have a problem with chins.

- Marie, I'm not ready yet.

- But you just said you were over him.

- I am over him but I'm in a mourning period.

Who is it?

- Alex Anderson.

(groaning)

- You fixed me up with him six years ago.

- Sorry. (laughing)

God.

All right, wait, here.

Here we go.

Ken Darman.

- He's been married for over a year.

- Really?

Married.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

- Look. - I got one.

- There is no point in my going out with someone

I might really like if I met him at the right time

but who, right now, has no chance of being anything to me

but a transitional man.

- Okay but don't wait too long.

Remember what happened to David Warsaw?

His wife left him and everyone said

give him some time, don't move in too fast.

Six months later, he was dead.

- What are you saying?

I should get married to someone right away

in case he's about to die?

- At least you could say you were married.

- I'm saying that the right man for you

might be out there right now, and if you don't grab him

someone else will and you'll have to spend

the rest of your life knowing that someone else

is married to your husband.

(yelling)

(football commotion)

(crowd cheering)

- When did this happen?

- Friday.

Helen comes home from work and she says,

"I don't know if I want to be married anymore."

Like it's the institution.

You know, like it's nothing personal,

just something she's been thinking about in a casual way.

I'm calm, I say,

"Why don't we take some time to think about it,

"you know, don't rush into anything."

- Yeah, right.

- Next day, she said she's thought about it,

and she wants a trial separation.

She just wants to try it, she says, but we can still date.

Like this is supposed to cushion the blow.

I mean, I got married so I can stop dating.

So I don't see where we can still date is any big incentive,

since the last thing you want to do is date your wife,

who's suppose to love you,

which is what I'm saying, when it occurs to me

that may be she doesn't.

So I say to her, "Don't you love me anymore?"

You know what she says?

"I don't know if I've ever loved you."

- Oh, that's harsh.

(crowd cheering)

You don't bounce back from that right away.

- Thanks, Jess.

- No, I'm a writer, I know dialogue

and that's particularly harsh.

- Then she tells me that somebody in her office

is going to South America and she can sub-let his apartment.

I can't believe this, and the doorbell rings.

"I can sub-let his apartment."

The words are still hanging in the air,

you know, like in a balloon attached to a mouth.

- Like a cartoon.

- Right.

So I go to the door and there were moving men there.

Now I start to get suspicious.

I say, "Helen, when did you call these movers?"

And she doesn't say anything.

So I asked the movers,

"When did this woman book you for this gig?"

And they're just standing there.

Three huge guys, one of them was wearing

a t-shirt that says, "Don't fuck with Mr. Zero."

So I said, "Helen, when did you make this arrangement?"

She says, "A week ago."

I said, "You've known for a week and you didn't tell me?"

And she says, "I didn't want to ruin your birthday."

(crowd cheering)

- You're say Mr. Zero knew you were getting a divorce

a week before you did?

- Mr. Zero knew.

- I can't believe this.

- I haven't told you the bad part yet.

- What could be worse than Mr. Zero knowing?

- It's all a lie.

She's in love with somebody else.

Some tax attorney.

She moved in with him.

- How did you find out?

- I followed her, I stood outside the building.

- So humiliating.

- Tell me about it.

And do you know I knew?

I knew the whole time that even though we were happy

it was just an illusion and that one day

she would kick the shit out of me.

- Marriages don't break up on account of infidelity.

It's just a symptom that something else is wrong.

- Oh really?

Well that symptom is fucking my wife.

(crowd cheering)

- So I just happen to see his American Express bill.

- What do you mean you just "happened" to see it?

- Well, he was shaving and there it was, in his briefcase.

- What if he came out

and saw you looking through his briefcase?

- You're missing the point, I'm telling you what I found.

He just spent a hundred and twenty dollars

on a new night gown for his wife.

I don't think he's ever going to leave her.

- No one thinks he's ever gonna leave her.

- You're right, you're right, I know you're right.

(faint city commotion)

Someone is staring at you in "Personal Growth."

- I know him.

You'd like him, he's married.

- Who is he?

- Harry Burns, he's a political consultant.

- [Marie] He's cute.

- [Sally] You think he's cute?

- [Marie] How do you know he's married?

- "Cause last time I saw him, he was getting married.

- When was that?

- Six years ago.

- So he might not be married anymore.

- Also, he's obnoxious.

- This is just like in the movies, remember?

In "The Lady Vanishes," when she says to him,

"You're the most obnoxious man I ever met--"

- "The most contemptible."

- Then they fall madly in love.

- Also, he never remembers me.

- [Harry] Sally Albright.

- Hi, Harry.

- I thought it was you.

- Itis.

This is Marie.

Was Marie.

- How are you?

- Fine.

- How's Joe?

- Fine.

I hear he's fine.

- You're not with Joe anymore?

- We just broke up.

- Aw.

I'm sorry, that's too bad.

- Yeah.

Well, you know.

(chuckling)

Yeah.

So,

what about you?

- I'm fine.

- How's married life?

- Not so good.

I'm getting a divorce.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

- Yeah, well, what're you gonna do?

What happened with you guys?

- When Joe and I started seeing each other,

we wanted exactly the same thing.

We wanted to live together but we didn't want to get married

because every time anyone we knew got married

it ruined their relationship,

they practically never had sex again.

It's true.

It's one of those secrets that no one ever tells you.

I would sit around with my girlfriends who have kids.

Actually, my one girlfriend who has kids, Alice,

and she would complain about how she and Garry

never did it anymore.

She didn't even complain about it,

now that I think about it.

She just said it matter-of-factly.

She said, "They were up all night,

"they were both exhausted all the time,

"the kids just took every sexual impulse

"they had out of them."

Joe and I use to talk about it and we'd say,

"We are so lucky we have this wonderful relationship,

"we can have sex on the kitchen floor

"and not worry about the kids walking in.

"We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."

And then, one day,

I was taking to Alice's little girl for the afternoon

because I promised I'd take her to the circus,

and we were in the cab playing eye-spy.

Eye-spy mailbox, eye-spy lamppost.

And she looked out the window and she saw

this man and this woman with these two little kids

and the man had one of the little kids on his shoulders

and she said, "I spy a family."

And I started to cry.

You know I just started crying.

And I went home and I said,

"The thing is Joe,

"we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."

- And the kitchen floor?

- Not once.

It's this very cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile.

- Hmmm.

- Anyway,

we talked about it for a long time and I said,

"This is what I want."

And he says, "Well I don't."

And I said, "Well I guess it's over" and he left.

And the thing is I feel really fine.

I am over him, I mean, I really am over him.

And that was it for him.

That was the most that he could give.

And every time I think about it I am more and more convinced

that I did the right thing.

- Boy, you sound really healthy.

- Yeah.

At least I got the apartment.

- That's what everybody says to me too.

But really, what's so hard about finding an apartment?

What you do is you read the obituary column.

Yeah, you find out who died, go to the building

and then you tip the doorman.

What they could do to make it easier

is to combine the obituaries with the real estate section.

Then you'd have "Mr. Klein died today,

"leaving a wife, two children,

"and a spacious three bedroom apartment

"with a wood burning fireplace."

(laughing)

(somber piano music)

You know, the first time we met,

I really didn't like you that much.

- I didn't like you.

- Yeah you did.

You were just so uptight then.

You're much softer now.

- You know, I hate that kind of remark.

It sounds like a compliment but really, it's an insult.

- Okay, you're still as hard as nails.

- I just didn't want to sleep with you

and you had to write it off as a character flaw

instead of dealing with the possibility

that it might have something to do with you.

- What's the statute of limitation on apologies?

- Ten years.

- Oh, I can just get it in under the wire.

(pleasant piano music)

- Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?

- Are we becoming friends now?

- Well,

yeah.

- Great.

A woman friend.

You know, you may be the first attractive woman

I have not wanted to sleep with in my entire life.

- [Sally] That's wonderful, Harry.

- We were both born in the same hospital.

- In 1921.

- Seven days apart. - In the same hospital.

- We both grew up one block

away from each other. - We both lived in tenements.

- On the lower East Side.

- On Delancey Street.

- My family moved to the Bronx

when I was ten. - He lived on Fordham Road.

- Hers moved when she was eleven.

- I lived on a hundred and eighty third Street.

- For six years she worked on the 15 floor--

- I worked for a very prominent neurologist.

- As a nurse where I had a practice on the 14 floor

of the very same building.

- We never met.

- Never met.

- Can you imagine that?

- You know where we met?

In an elevator.

- I was visiting family.

- In the ambassador hotel in Chicago, Illinois.

- He was on the third floor, I was on the 12th.

- I rode up nine extra floors just to keep talking to her.

- Nine extra floors.

(somber piano music)

(phone ringing)

- [Sally Voiceover] Hello?

- [Harry Voiceover] You sleeping?

- [Sally Voiceover] No, I was watching "Casablanca."

- [Harry Voiceover] Channel, please.

- [Sally Voiceover] 11.

- [Harry Voiceover] Thank you.

Got it.

Now you're telling me you will be happier with Victor Laszlo

than with Humphrey Bogart?

- [Sally Voiceover] When did I say that?

- [Harry Voiceover] When we drove to New York.

- [Sally Voiceover] I never said that.

I would have never have said that.

- [Harry Voiceover] All right, fine, have it your way.

Have you been sleeping?

- [Sally Voiceover] Why?

- [Harry Voiceover] Because I haven't been sleeping.

I really miss Helen.

Maybe I'm coming down with something.

Last night I was up at four in the morning

watching "Leave it to Beaver" in Spanish.

(Harry speaking Spanish)

I'm not well.

- [Sally Voiceover] Well I went to bed at 7:30 last night.

I haven't don't that since the third grade.

- [Harry Voiceover] Well that's the good thing

about depression, you get your rest.

- [Sally Voiceover] I'm not depressed.

- [Harry Voiceover] Okay, fine.

Do you still sleep on the same side of the bed?

- [Sally Voiceover] I did for awhile

but now I'm pretty much using the whole bed.

- [Harry Voiceover] God, that's great.

I feel weird when just my leg wanders over.

I miss her.

- [Sally Voiceover] I don't miss him, I really don't.

- [Harry Voiceover] Not even a little?

- [Sally Voiceover] You know what I miss?

I miss the idea of him.

- [Harry Voiceover] Maybe I only miss the idea of Helen.

No, I miss the whole Helen.

- [Sally Voiceover] Last scene.

(television commotion)

- [Harry] Oh, Ingrid Bergman,

now she's low maintenance.

- [Sally] Low maintenance?

- [Harry] There are two kinds of women.

High maintenance and low maintenance.

- And Ingrid Bergman is low maintenance?

- An LM, definitely.

- Which one am I?

- You're the worst kind.

You're high maintenance

but you think you're low maintenance.

- I don't see that.

- You don't see that?

"Waiter, I'll begin with a house salad,

"but I don't want the regular dressing.

"I'll have the balsamic vinegar and oil,

"but on the side.

"And then the salmon with the mustard sauce,

"but I want the mustard sauce on the side."

"On the side" is a very big thing for you.

- Well I just want it the way I want it.

- I know, high maintenance.

- About 10 thousand Francs should pay our expenses.

- [Rick] Our expenses?

- [Louie] Mhmm.

- [Rick] Louie, I think this is the beginning

of a beautiful friendship.

- [Harry] Best last line of a movie ever.

- Hmmmm.

- I'm definitely coming down with something.

Probably a twenty four hour tumor, they're going around.

- You don't have a tumor.

- How do you know?

- If you're so worried, go see a doctor.

- No, they'll just tell me it's nothing.

- Will you be able to sleep?

- If not, I'll be okay.

- What'll you do?

- I'll stay up and moan.

Maybe I should practice now.

(moaning)

- Goodnight, Harry.

(moaning)

- Goodnight.

(television commotion)

(Harry groaning)

(pleasant music)

I had my dream again,

where I'm making love and the Olympic judges are watching.

I've nailed the compulsories so this is it, the finals.

I got a nine eight from the Canadian,

a perfect ten from the American,

and my mother, disguised as a East German judge,

gave me a five six.

Must've been the dismount.

- [Sally] Well basically it's the same one

I've been having since I was 12.

- What happens?

- It's too embarrassing.

- Don't tell me.

- Okay, there's this guy.

- What's he look like?

- I don't know, he's just kinda faceless.

- A faceless guy, okay, then what?

- He rips off my clothes.

- Then what happens?

- That's it.

- That's it?

A faceless guy rips off your clothes

and that's the sex fantasies you've been having

since you were 12.

Exactly the same.

- Well sometimes I vary it a little.

- Which part?

- What I'm wearing.

(pleasant music)

What?

- Nothing.

I have decided that for the rest of the day

we are going to talk like this.

- [Sally] Like this?

- [Harry] No. Please, to repeat after me.

Pepper.

- [Sally] Pepper.

- [Harry] Pepper.

- Pepper. - Pepper.

- Pepper. - Pepper.

- Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.

(laughing)

- "Waiter, there is too much pepper."

- On my paprikash.

- "On my paprikash.""

- But I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie.

(laughing)

- Oh no.

- But I would be proud.

- "But I would be proud."

- To partake. - "To partake"

- Of your pecan pie.

- "Of your pecan pie." - Pecan pie.

- "Pecan pie." - Pecan pie.

- "Pecan pie."

(laughing)

- Would you like to go to the movies with me tonight?

- "Would you like to go, what?"

- Not to repeat.

Please, to answer.

Would you like to go to the movies with me tonight?

- Oh, oh.

Oh, I'd love to Harry but I can't.

- What do you have, a hot date?

- Well, yeah, yeah.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I was gonna tell you about it but I don't know,

I felt strange about it.

- Why?

- Well because we've been spending so much time together.

- Oh, I think it's great that you have a date.

- You do?

- Yeah.

Is that what you're gonna wear?

- Yeah.

Well, I don't know.

Why?

- I think you should wear skirts more.

You look really good in skirts.

- Ido? - Yeah.

You know, I have a theory that Hieroglyphics

are really an ancient comic strip

about a character named Sphinxie.

- You know, Harry, I think you should get out there too.

- Oh, I'm not ready.

- You should.

- I would not be good for anybody right now.

- It's time.

- It was the most uncomfortable night of my life.

- See, no, it has to go this way.

The first date back is always the toughest, Harry.

- You only had one date.

How do you know it's not gonna get worse?

- How much worse can it get than finishing dinner,

having him reaching over, pull a hair out of my head

and starts flossing with it at the table?

- We're talking dream date compared to my horror.

It started out fine.

She's a very nice person.

And we're sitting and we're talking

in this Ethiopian restaurant that she wanted to go to.

And I was making jokes, you know like,

"Hey, I didn't know that they had food in Ethiopia?

"This will be a quick meal.

"I'll order two empty plates and we can leave."

(laughing)

- Yeah, nothing from her, not even a smile.

So I down shift into small talk,

and I asked her where she went to school

and she says Michigan State.

And this reminds me of Helen.

All of a sudden, I'm in the middle of this mess

of an anxiety attack, my heart's beating like a wild man

and I start sweating like a pig.

- Helen went to Michigan State?

- No, she went to Northwestern.

But they're both Big 10 schools.

I got so upset, I had to leave the restaurant.

(Sally sighing)

- Harry, I think this takes a long time.

It might be months before we're actually able to enjoy

going out with someone new.

- Yeah.

- And maybe longer

before we're actually able to go to bed with someone new.

- Oh, I went to bed with her.

- You went to bed with her?

- Sure.

- Huh.

(machinery buzzing)

- [Jess] I don't understand this relationship.

- What do you mean?

- You enjoy being with her?

- Yeah.

- You find her attractive?

- Yeah.

- And you're not sleeping with her.

- No.

- You're afraid to let yourself be happy.

- Why can't you give me credit for this?

This is a big thing for me.

I never had a relationship with a woman

that didn't involve sex.

I feel like I'm growing.

- [Kid] Are you finished?

- Hey, I got a whole stack of quarters and I was here first.

- Were not! - Was too!

- Were not! - Was too!

- Big jerk.

- Little creep.

Where was I?

- You were growing.

- Yeah.

It's very freeing.

I can say anything to her.

- Are you saying you can say things to her

you can't say to me?

- No, it's just different.

It's a whole different perspective.

I get the women's point of view on things.

She tells me about the men that she goes out with

and I can talk to her about the women that I see.

- You tell her about other women.

- Yeah.

Like the other night.

I made love to this woman, and it was so incredible,

I took her to a place that wasn't human,

she actually meowed.

- You made a woman meow?

- Yeah, that's the point.

I can say these things to her.

And the great thing is, I don't have to lie

because I'm not always thinking about

how to get her into bed.

I can just be myself.

- You made a woman meow?

- [Sally] So what do you do with these women?

You just get up out of bed and leave?

- [Harry] Sure.

- Well explain to me how you do it.

What do you say?

- Just say I have an early meeting, early haircut,

early squash game.

- You don't play squash.

- They don't know that, they just met me.

- That's disgusting.

- I know, I feel terrible.

- You know, I'm so glad I never got involved with you.

I just would've ended being some woman

you had to get up out of bed and leave

at three o'clock in the morning and go clean your andirons

and you don't even have a fireplace,

not that I would know this.

- Why are you getting so upset?

This is not about you.

- Yes it is.

You are a human affront to all women and I am a woman.

- Hey, I don't feel great about this

but I don't hear anyone complaining.

- Of course not, you're out the door too fast.

- I think they have an okay time.

- How do you know?

- What do you mean how do I know? I know.

- Because they?

- Yes, because they.

- How do you know that they're really?

- What are you saying, that they fake orgasm?

- It's possible.

- Get outta here.

- Why?

Most women, at one time or another, have faked it.

- Well they haven't faked it with me.

- How do you know?

- Because I know.

- Oh.

Right, that's right.

I forgot, you're a man.

- What does that supposed to me?

- Nothing.

It's just that all men are sure it never happened to them

and that most women, at one time or another,

have done it, so you do the math.

- You don't think that I could tell the difference?

- No.

- Get out of here.

- Oh.

Oh.

Ooh.

- Are you okay?

- Oh.

Oh, God.

Ooh, oh God.

Oh.

Ah.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh yeah, right there.

(gasping)

Oh.

Ah.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh, yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

(gasping)

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

Oh!

Yes! Yes! Yes! (thudding)

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh, oh.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh.

- I'll have what she's having.

("Winder Wonderland" by Ray Charles)

♪ Sleigh bells ring, are you list'nin' ♪

♪ In the lane, snow is glist'nin';

♪ A beautiful sight;

♪ We're happy tonight ♪

♪ Walkin' in a winter wonderland ♪

♪ Gone away is the bluebird 7

♪ Here to stay

♪ Is a new bird ♪

♪ He sings a love song as we go along ♪

♪ Walkin' in a winter wonderland ♪

♪ In a meadow we can build a showman ♪

♪ And pretend that he is Parson Brown

♪ He'll say, are you married ♪

♪ We'll say, no, man ♪

♪ But you can do the job when you're in town, brother 7

♪ Lateron ♪

♪ We'll conspire;

♪ As we dream by the fire ♪

♪ To face unafraid the plans that we made

♪ Walkin' in a winter wonderland ♪

(popping)

♪ If they asked me

♪ I could write a book

♪ About the way you walk

♪ And whisper and look

- I like you without your beard, you can see your face.

- Hey, there's my face.

(laughing)

- Dipping you.

- Oh!

I really wanna thank you for taking me out tonight.

- Oh, don't be silly.

The next New Year's Eve, if neither one of us

is with anybody, you got a date.

- Deal.

See, now we can dance cheek to cheek.

Mmmm.

♪ Is just to tell them

♪ That I love you a lot ♪

♪ Then the world discovers ♪

♪ As my book ends ♪

♪ How to make two lovers ♪

♪ Of friends ♪

- [Man] Hey, everybody!

10 seconds to New Years!

10!

- Wanna get some air?

- Yeah.

- [Crowd] Six, five,

four,

three, two, one.

(cheering)

(horns honking)

- [Woman] Happy New Years!

(cheering)

♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot

♪ And never brought to mind

♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot

- [Both] Happy New Year.

♪ And old lang syne ♪

- Well, he was the head counselor and the boys' camp

and I was the head counselor at the girls' camp,

and they had a social one night,

and he walked across the room.

I thought he was coming to talk to my friend, Maxine,

'cause people were always crossing rooms to talk to Maxine.

But he was coming to talk to me, and he said--

- I'm Ben Small of the Coney Island Smalls.

- At that moment I knew.

I knew the way you know about a good melon.

- You sent flowers to yourself.

- 60 dollars I spent on this big stupid

arrangement of flowers and I wrote a card

that I planned to leave on the front table

where Arthur would just happen to see it.

- What did the card say?

- "Please say yes, love, Johnathon."

- Did it work?

- He never even came over.

He forgot this charity thing

that his wife was a chairman of.

He's never going to leave her.

- Of course he isn't.

- You're right, you're right, I knew you're right.

Where is this place?

- Somewhere on the next block.

(groaning)

- I can't believe I'm doing this.

- Look, Harry is one of my best friends

and you are one of my best friends

and if by some chance you two hit it off,

then we could all still be friends instead of drifting apart

the way you do when you get involved with someone

who doesn't know your friends.

- You and I haven't drifted apart

since I started seeing Arthur.

- If Arthur ever left his wife

and I actually met him,

I am sure that you and I would drift apart.

- He's never gonna leave her.

- Of course he isn't.

- You're right, you're right, I know you're right.

- I don't know about this.

- It's just a dinner.

- You know, I've finally gone to a new place in my life

where I'm comfortable with the fact

that it's just me and my work.

If she's so great, why aren't you taking her out?

- How many times do I have to tell you?

We're just friends.

- So you're saying she's not that attractive.

- No, I told you she is attractive.

- Yeah but you also said she has a good personality.

- She has a good personality.

What?

- When someone's not that attractive,

they're always described as having a good personality.

- Look, if you would ask me, "What does she look like?"

and I said, "She has a good personality."

That means she's not attractive.

But just because I happened to mention

that she has a good personality, she could be either.

She could be attractive with a good personality,

or not attractive with a good personality.

- So which one is she?

- Attractive.

- But not beautiful, right?

- It's like, whenever I read Jimmy Breslin,

it's as if he's leaving

a wake-up call for the City of New York, you know?

- What do you mean by a wake-up call?

- Well, he's saying.

- Would I have seen any of your windows?

- A couple of weeks ago, I did a thing with hostages.

- People in blindfolds?

- Yeah.

I thought it was like late 80s.

- It's interesting.

- Let's just say I'm really not a big fan of Jimmy Breslin.

- Well, he's the reason I become a writer

but that's not important.

- Harry?

You and Marie are both from New Jersey.

- Really?

- Where are you from?

- South Orange.

- Haddonfield.

- Oh.

- So what're we gonna order?

- Well, I'm going to start with the grilled riddichio.

- Jess, Sally is a great orderer.

Not only does she always pick the best thing in the menu

but she orders it in a way that the chef

didn't even know how good it could be.

- I think restaurants have become too important.

- I agree.

Restaurants are to people in the 80s

what theatre was to people in the 60s.

I read that in magazine.

- I wrote that.

- Get out of here.

- No, I did, I wrote that.

- I've never quoted anything from a magazine in my life.

That's amazing, don't you think that's amazing?

And you wrote it?

- I also wrote "Pesto is the quiche of the 80s."

- Get over yourself.

- I did.

- Where did I read that?

- New York Magazine.

- Sally writes for New York Magazine.

- You know that piece had a real impact on me.

I don't know that much about writing but--

- It spoke to you and that pleases me.

- [Marie] You have to admire people who can be

that articulate.

- [Jess] Nobody has ever quoted me back to me before.

- Oh, I've been looking for a red suede pump.

What do you think of Jess?

- Well.

- Do you think you could go out with him?

- I don't know.

- Because I feel really comfortable with him.

- You wanna go out with Jess.

- If it would be all right with you.

- Sure, sure.

I'm just worried about Harry.

He's very sensitive,

he's going through a rough period

and I just don't want you to reject him right now.

- I won't, I totally understand.

- If you don't think you're going to call Marie,

do you mind if I call her?

- No, no. - Good, good, good.

- But for tonight, you shouldn't.

I mean, Sally's very vulnerable right now.

I mean, you can call Marie, it's fine.

But just wait for a week or so, you know?

Don't make any moves tonight.

- Fine, no problem.

I wasn't even thinking about tonight.

- Well, I don't really feel much like walking anymore.

I think I'll get a cab.

- I'll go with you.

- Great!

Taxi!

- A man came to me and said,

"I found nice girl for you.

"She lives in the next village,

"and she is ready for marriage."

We were not suppose to meet until the wedding

but I wanted to make sure.

So I sneak into her village,

hid behind a tree,

watch her washing the clothes.

I think if I don't like the way she looks,

I don't marry her.

But she look very nice to me.

So I said okay to the man.

We get married.

We married for 55 years.

(traffic commotion)

- I have to get this, I have to get this.

- Harry, we're here for Jess and Marie.

- I know, we'll find them something.

There's great stuff here.

- We should've gone to the plant store.

- Here, perfect for them.

- What's that?

- Battery operated pith helmet, with fan.

- Why is this necessary in life?

- I don't know.

Look at this, also makes great fries.

Uh oh.

Good.

Hold off the dogs, the hunt is over.

Sally, this is the greatest.

Sally, please report to me.

Look at this.

This is the greatest, you're gonna love this.

This is a singing machine.

Look.

You sing the lead and it has the backup and everything.

This is from Oklahoma!

Here is the lyrics right here.

- "The Surrey with the Fringe on Top."

- Yes, perfect.

Oh.

(pleasant music)

♪ Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry ♪

♪ When I take you out in my surrey ♪

♪ When I take you out in my surrey ♪

♪ With the fringe on top ♪

♪ Now you ♪

♪ Watch that fringe and see how it flutters

♪ When I drive them high steppen strutters

♪ Nosy pokes will peek through their shutters

♪ And their eyes will pop

♪ The wheels are yellow

♪ The upholstery's brown

♪ The dashboard's genuine leather

♪ With isinglass curtains you can roll;

- What?

It's my voice, isn't it?

I hate my voice.

I know, it's terrible, Joe hated--

- It's Helen.

- Helen?

- She's coming right towards me.

(pleasant karaoke machine music)

- How are you, Harry?

- Fine, I'm fine.

- This is Ira Stone.

Harry Burns.

- [Ira] Harry.

(pleasant karaoke machine music)

- I'm sorry, this is Sally Albright.

Helen Hillson

and Ira.

- Sally.

- Nice to meet you.

- Hi.

- Well,

see you.

- Yeah, bye.

Nice to meet you,

Ira.

(pleasant karaoke machine music)

- You okay?

- Yeah, I'm perfect.

She looked weird, didn't she?

She looked really weird, she looked very weird.

- I've never seen her before.

- Trust me, she looked weird.

Her legs looked heavy.

Really, she must be retaining water.

- Harry.

- Believe me, the woman saved everything.

- [Sally] You sure you're okay?

- Oh, I'm fine.

Look, it had to happen at some point,

in a city of eight million people,

you're bound to run into your ex-wife,

so, boom, it happened,

and now I'm fine.

- I like it, it works.

It says "home" to me.

- All right, all right.

Well let Harry and Sally be the judge.

What do you think?

- It's nice.

- Case closed.

- Of course he likes it, he's a guy.

Sally?

- [Jess] What's so awful about it?

- It's so awful there's no way to even

begin to explain what's so awful about it.

- Honey, I don't object to any of your things.

- [Marie] If we had an extra room

you could put all of your things including your bar stools.

- No, honey, wait, wait, wait,

honey, honey, wait, wait, wait.

You don't like my bar stools?

Harry, come on, someone has to be on my side.

- I'm on your side,

I'm just trying to help you have good taste.

- I have good taste!

- Everybody thinks they have good taste

and a sense of humor

but they couldn't possibly all have good taste.

- You know, it's funny.

We started out like this, Helen and I.

We had blank walls, we hung things,

we picked out tiles together.

Then you know what happens?

Six years later, you find yourself singing

"Surrey With The Fringe On Top" in front of Ira!

- Do we have to talk about this right now?

- Yes, I think that right now actually is the perfect time

to talk about this because I want our friends

to benefit from the wisdom of my experience.

Right now everything is great,

everyone is happy, everyone is in love,

and that's wonderful but you gotta know

that sooner or later,

you're going to be screaming at each other

about who's gonna get this dish.

This eight dollar dish will cost you

a thousand dollars in phone calls

to the legal firm of that's-mine-this-is-yours.

- [Sally] Harry.

- Please.

Jess, Marie,

do me a favor for your own good.

Put your name in your books right now

before they get mixed up and you don't know who's is who's.

Because some day, believe it or not,

you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table.

This stupid, wagon wheel,

Roy Rogers garage sale coffee table!

- I thought you liked it.

- I was being nice!

(door thudding)

- He just bumped into Helen.

- I want you to know

that I never want that wagon wheel coffee table.

- I know, I know, I shouldn't have done it.

- Harry, you're gonna have to try and find a way

of not expressing every feeling that you have,

every moment that you have them.

- Oh really?

- Yes.

there are times and places for things.

- Well the next time you're giving a lecture series

on social graces would you let me know, 'cause I'll sign up.

- Hey.

You don't have to take your anger out on me.

- Oh, I think I'm entitled to throw a little anger your way,

especially when I'm being told how to live my life

by Miss Hospital-Corners.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- I mean, nothing bothers you.

You never get upset about anything!

- Don't be ridiculous!

- What?

You never get upset about Joe.

I never see that back up on you.

How is that possible?

Don't you experience any feelings of loss?

- I don't have to take this crap from you!

- If you're so over Joe, why aren't you seeing anyone?

- I see people!

- See people.

Have you slept with one person since you broke up with Joe?

- What the hell does that have to do with anything?

That will prove I'm over Joe, because I fucked somebody?

Harry you're gonna have to move back to New Jersey

because you've slept with everybody in New York

and I don't see that turning Helen

into a faint memory for you!

Besides, I will make love to somebody

when it is "making love," not the way you do it

like you're out for revenge or something!

- Are you finished now?

- Yes.

- Can I say something?

- Yes.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Don't say a word.

It's a monkey! It's a monkey!

Monkey see, monkey do!

It's an ape!

Going ape!

- It's a baby!

- [Jess] Planet of the Apes!

- Planet of the Apes?

She just said it's a baby.

How about "Planet of the Dopes?"

- It doesn't look like a baby.

- [Harry] Big mouth.

Mick Jagger as a baby.

- [Jess] Baby ape! Baby ape!

- [Harry] Stop with the apes, would you please?

- [Alice] Baby's breath.

- Rosemary's Baby's Mouth.

Won't You Come Home, Bill Baby?

- Kiss the baby.

- Melancholy baby's mouth!

- Baby fish mouth!

Baby fish mouth!

- [Man] 15 seconds.

- [Alice] Baby boom.

- [Harry] Baby?

- [Jess] Draw something resembling anything.

- Crying baby.

Kiss the baby.

- Baby spitting up.

Exorcist baby.

- [Alice] Yes sir, that's my baby.

- [Harry] No sir, don't mean maybe.

- [Man] That's it, time's up.

- Baby talk.

- Baby talk?

What's that?

That's not a saying.

- Oh but "baby fish mouth" is sweeping the nation.

I hear them talking. (laughing)

- Final score, our team 110,

you guys, 60.

- Fixed, definitely fixed.

- It's pathetic.

- I can't draw.

- No, that's a baby and it's clearly talking.

You're wonderful.

- [Marie] All right, who wants coffee?

- [Jess] I do and I love you.

- [Alice] Do you have any tea?

- [Marie] One tea.

- Industrial strength.

- I'll help you.

De-caf?

- Yeah.

- [Alice] Cream.

- [Woman] Where's the bathroom?

- Through that door down the hall.

(somber jazz music)

- Never looked like a baby to me.

- Which part?

- All of it.

- Hey, Jess, you were gonna show me the cover of your book.

- Oh yeah, yeah, it's in the den.

Look, Julian, help yourself. have some more wine.

Whatever you like, okay?

I like saying "It's in the den."

It's got a nice ring to it.

- Emily is a little young for Harry, don't you think?

- Well she's young but look what she's done.

- What has she done?

She makes desserts.

- Does Julian seem a little stuffy to you?

- He's a good guy, you should talk to him, get to know him.

- He's too tall to talk to.

- She makes 35 hundred chocolate mousse pies a week.

- Emily is "Aunt Emily?"

- He took us all to a Met game last week.

It was great.

- You all went to a Met game together?

- Yeah,

but it was a last minute thing.

- But Sally hates baseball.

- Harry doesn't even like sweets.

- Julian is great.

- I know.

He's a grownup.

- Emily is terrific.

- Yeah.

Of course, when I asked her where she was

when Kennedy was shot she said, "Ted Kennedy was shot?"

- No.

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

- [Sally] Are you alone?

- Yeah, I was just finishing a book.

- [Sally] Could you come over?

- What's the matter?

- He's getting married.

- [Harry] Who?

- Joe!

- I'll be right there.

(sniffling)

- Hi.

- Are you all right?

- Come on in.

(crying)

I'm sorry to call you so late.

- It's all right.

- I need a Kleenex.

- Okay.

- Okay.

He just called me up, "Wanted to see how you were."

"Fine, how are you?"

"Fine."

His secretary's on vacation,

everything's all backed up.

He's got a big case in New York.

Blah, blah, blah.

And I'm sitting on the phone thinking,

"I'm over him, I really am over him.

"I can't believe that I'd ever be remotely interested

"in any of that."

And then he said, "I have some news."

(crying)

She works in his office, she's a paralegal.

Her name is Kimberley.

(sobbing)

He just met her!

She's suppose to be his transitional person,

she's not suppose to be the one.

(sobbing)

All this time I've been saying

that he didn't want to get married

but the truth is,

he didn't want to marry me.

He didn't love me.

(sobbing)

- If you could take him back right now, would you?

(sobbing)

- No!

But why didn't he want to marry me?

What's the matter with me?

- Nothing.

- I'm difficult.

- You're challenging.

- I'm too structured, I'm completely closed off.

- But in a good way.

(sobbing)

- No, no, no, I drove him away!

And I'm gonna be 40.

- When?

- Someday.

- In eight years.

- But it's there.

It's just sitting there like this big dead end.

And it's not the same for men.

Charlie Chaplin had babies when he was 73.

- Yeah but he was too old to pick them up.

(laughing)

(sobbing)

Aw, come here.

Come here.

It's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be fine, you'll see.

Go ahead, it's not one of my favorites anyway.

(sobbing)

It's gonna be okay.

(huffing)

Hmmm, okay.

Okay.

I'll make some tea.

- Harry?

Could you just hold me a little longer?

- Oh, sure.

(sighing)

- Are you comfortable?

- Sure.

- Do you want something to drink or something?

- No, I'm okay.

- Well, I'm gonna get up for some water,

so it's really no trouble.

- Okay.

Water.

(somber piano music)

You have all the video tapes alphabetized

and on index cards.

Thank you.

- Do you wanna watch something?

- No, not unless you do.

- No, that's okay.

Do you wanna go to sleep?

- Okay.

(somber piano music)

- Where are you going?

- I gotta go.

Gotta go home, I gotta change my clothes

and then I have to go to work and so do you.

But after work, I'd like to take out to dinner

if you're free.

Are you free?

- Yes.

- Fine, I'll call you later.

- Fine.

- Fine.

(phone ringing)

- Yours.

- Hello.

- I'm sorry to call so early.

- Are you all right?

- No one I know would call at this hour.

- I did something terrible. (phone ringing)

- What did you do?

- No one I know would call at this hour.

- It's so awful. - I need to talk.

- What happened? - What's the matter?

- Harry came over last night.

- I went over to Sally's last night.

- Because I was upset that Joe was getting married.

- And one thing led to another.

- And before I knew it we were kissing and then--

- To make a long story short.

- [Harry And Sally] We did it.

- [Jess And Marie] They did it.

- That's great, Sally.

- We've been praying for it.

- You should've done it in the first place.

- For months we've been saying you should do it.

- You guys belong together.

- It's like killing two birds with one stone.

- It's like two wrongs make a right.

- [Jess And Marie] How was it?

- The during part was good.

- I thought it was good.

- And then I felt suffocated.

- But then I guess it wasn't.

- Jesus, I'm sorry. - The worst.

- I had to get out of there.

- He just disappeared.

- I feel so bad.

- I'm so embarrassed.

- I don't blame you. - That's horrible.

- I think I'm coming down with something.

- I think I'm catching a cold.

- Look, it would've been great if it worked out

but it didn't.

- You should never go to bed with anyone

when you find out your boyfriend is getting married.

- Who's that talking?

- Who?

- Is that Jess on the phone?

- It's Jane Fonda on the VCR.

- It's Bryant Gumbel.

- [Jess And Marie] Do you wanna come over for breakfast?

- No, I'm not up to it.

- No, I feel too awful.

- [Jess And Marie] Good.

- I mean, it's so early.

- But call me later if you want.

- I'll call you later, okay?

- Okay, bye. - Bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

God.

- I know.

- Tell me I never have to be out there again.

- You will never have to be out there again.

(somber music)

- [Sally Voiceover] I'll just say we made a mistake.

- [Harry Voiceover] Sally, it was a mistake.

- [Sally Voiceover] I just hope I get to say it first.

- [Harry Voiceover] I hope she says it before I do.

- It was a mistake.

- I am so relieved that you think so too.

I'm not saying last night wasn't great.

- It was.

- Yes, it was.

- We just never should've done it.

- I couldn't agree more.

- I am so relieved.

- Great.

- Yeah.

(laughing)

- [Waiter] Two mixed green salads.

(crunching)

- It is so nice when you can sit with someone

and not have to talk.

Hmm?

It's just like most of the time you go to bed with someone,

she tells you all of her stories,

you tell her your stories.

But with Sally and me,

we've already heard each other's stories.

So once we went to bed,

we didn't know what we were suppose to do, you know?

- [Jess] Sure, Harry.

- I don't know.

Maybe you get to a certain point in a relationship

where it's just too late to have sex, you know?

- Is Harry bringing anyone to the wedding?

- I don't think so.

- Is he seeing anyone?

- He was seeing this anthropologist but.

- What does she look like?

- Thin, pretty, big tits.

Your basic nightmare.

What do you think?

- Oh, Marie.

- Tell the truth.

- It's just beautiful.

(pleasant instrumental music)

- [Priest] We are gathered here today to celebrate

the marriage of Marie and Jess,

and to consecrate their vows of matrimony.

The vows they take to join their lives,

the wine they will share

binds all their hopes together

and by the rings their will wear,

they will be known to all as husband and wife.

(upbeat band music)

- [Sally] I've never seen her so happy.

She's a totally different person.

- Oh yeah, she is.

It's great.

What're we gonna do about you?

- Me? - Honey?

- Yeah. - Wanna dance?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, I do.

- Excuse us.

(laughing)

- Hi.

- Hello.

- Nice ceremony.

- Beautiful.

- Boy the holidays are rough.

Every year I just try to get from

the day before Thanksgiving to the day after New Years.

- A lot of suicides.

- Hmmm.

- [Man] Would you like a pea pod with a shrimp?

- Thank you.

- How've you been?

- Fine.

- Are you seeing anybody?

- Harry? - What?

- I don't wanna talk about this.

- Why not?

- I don't want to talk about it.

- Why can't we get past this?

I mean, are we gonna carry this thing around forever?

- Forever, it just happened.

- It happened three weeks ago.

You know how a year to a person

is like seven years to a dog?

- Yes.

- Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario?

- Yes.

- Who is the dog?

- You are.

- I am?

I am the dog. - Mhmm.

- I am the dog.

I don't see that, Harry.

If anybody is the dog, you are the dog.

You want to act like what happened didn't mean anything.

- I'm not saying it didn't mean anything.

I am saying, why does it have to mean everything?

- Because it does!

And you should know that better than anybody

because the minute that it happened,

you walked right out the door.

- I didn't walk out.

- No, sprinted is more like it.

- We both agreed it was a mistake!

- [Sally] The worst mistake I ever made!

- What do you want from me?

- I don't want anything from you!

- Fine, Fine!

But let's just get one thing straight.

I did not go over there that night to make love to you,

that is not why I went there.

But you looked up at me with these big weepy eyes.

"Don't go home tonight, Harry.

"Hold me a little longer, Harry."

What was I supposed to do?

- What are you saying, you took pity on me?

- No, I was--

- Fuck you!

(smacking)

(triumphant band music)

- Everybody, could I have your attention please?

I'd like to propose a toast to Harry and Sally.

To Harry and Sally,

if Marie or I had found either of them remotely attractive,

we would not be here today.

(applauding)

♪ Have yourself

♪ A merry little Christmas ♪

♪ Let yourself be light ♪

♪ From now on, our troubles will be out of sight

♪ Have yourself a merry little Christmas ♪

♪ Make the Yuletide gay ♪

♪ From now on, our troubles will be miles away ♪

- Hi, it's me.

It's is the holiday season and I thought I'd remind you

that this is the season of charity and forgiveness.

And although it's not widely known,

it is also the season of groveling.

So if you felt like calling me back,

I'd be more than happy to do

the traditional Christmas grovel.

Give me a call.

(phone ringing)

- [Sally On Answering Machine] Hi, I'm not home right now.

Call you right back.

(answering machine beeping)

- If you're there, please pick up the phone,

I really wanna talk to you.

The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe

you're either A, not at home,

B, home but don't want to talk to me

or C, home, desperately want to talk to me

but trapped under something heavy.

If it's either A or C, please call me back.

Obviously, she doesn't want to talk to me.

What do I have to do, be hit over the head?

If she wants to call me she'll call me.

I'm through making a schmuck out of myself.

♪ If you're feeling sad and lonely

♪ There's a service I can render ♪

♪ Tell the one who digs you only ♪

♪ I can be so warm and tender ♪

♪ Call me, maybe it's late so just, call me ♪

♪ Don't be afraid to just, phone moi

♪ Call me and I'll be around ♪

Give me a call.

- [Sally] Hi, Harry.

- Hello, hi, hi.

I didn't know that you were there.

What're you doing?

- I was just on my way out.

- [Harry] Where are you going?

- What do you want, Harry?

- Nothing, nothing.

I just called to say I'm sorry.

- Okay.

I gotta go.

- Wait a second, wait a second.

What're you doing for New Years?

Are you going to the Tyler's party?

'Cause I don't have a date

and if you don't have a date,

we always said that if neither one of us had a date,

we could be together for New Years, you know?

- I can't do this anymore, I am not your consolation prize.

Goodbye.

(dial tone buzzing)

- And here we are, once again.

The 16th annual New Year Rockin' Eve

coming to you live from the--

- [Harry Voiceover] What's so bad about this?

You got Dick Clark, that's tradition.

You got Mallomars, the greatest cookie of all time.

And you're about to give the Knicks

their first championship since 1973.

(television commotion)

("Don't Get Around Much Anymore" by Harry Connick Jr.)

♪ Missed the Saturday dance

♪ Heard they crowded the floor;

♪ Oh, I'm lonesome without you ♪

- I don't know why I let you drag me into this.

(somber piano music)

- [Harry Voiceover] This is much better.

Fresh air, I have the streets all to myself.

Who needs to be at a big, crowded party

pretending to have a good time?

Plus this is the perfect time

to catch up on my window shopping.

This is good.

(woman giggling)

(pleasant music)

- So the guy says, "Read the card."

(laughing)

- Oh. (laughing)

Yeah.

(laughing)

I'm going home.

- You'll never get a taxi.

(laughing)

- Oh, God.

(somber piano music)

- [Harry Voiceover] You realize, of course,

that we can never be friends.

- [Sally Voiceover] Why not?

- [Harry Voiceover] What I'm saying

is that men and women can't be friends

because the sex part always gets in the way.

- [Sally Voiceover] That's not true.

- [Harry Voiceover] No man can be friends

with a woman he finds attractive.

He always wants to have sex with her.

- [Sally Voiceover] What if they

don't wanna have sex with you?

- [Harry Voiceover] Doesn't matter

because the sex thing is already out there,

so the friendship is ultimately doomed

and that is the end of the story.

- [Sally Voiceover] Well, I guess we're not

gonna be friends then.

- [Harry Voiceover] Guess not.

- [Sally Voiceover] It's too bad.

Because you were the only person that I knew in New York.

(somber piano music)

♪ It had to be you;

♪ It had to be you;

♪ I wandered around ♪

♪ And I finally found 7 (laughing)

♪ The somebody who ♪

♪ Would make me be true ♪

♪ And could make me be blue ♪

- [Sally] I'm going.

- It's almost midnight.

- Well, the thought of not kissing somebody is just--

- [Jess] I'll kiss you.

- Hey, taxi!

Taxi!

Taxi!

(horn honking)

- Come on, stay, please.

- Thanks, Jess, I just have to go.

- Oh, wait two minutes.

- I'll call you tomorrow.

♪ Might never be mean ♪

♪ Might never be cross ♪

♪ Or try to be boss ♪

♪ But they wouldn't do ♪

♪ For nobody else;

♪ Gave me a thrill ♪

♪ With all your thoughts ♪

♪ I love you still;

♪ It had to be you;

- I've been doing a lot of thinking

and the thing is, I love you.

- What?

- I love you.

- How do you expect me to respond to this?

- How about you love me too?

- How about, I'm leaving?

- Doesn't what I said mean anything to you?

- I'm sorry, Harry,

I know it's New Years Eve, (crowd counting down)

I know you're feeling lonely (crowd counting down)

but you just can't show up here, tell me you love me

and expect that to make everything all right.

It doesn't work this way.

- Well how does it work?

- I don't know (crowd cheering)

but not this way. (crowd cheering)

- How about this way?

I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out.

I love that it takes you

an hour and a half to order a sandwich.

I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose

when you're looking at me like I'm nuts.

I love that after I spend a day with you

I can still smell your perfume on my clothes

and I love that you are the last person I want to talk to

before I go to sleep at night.

And it's not because I'm lonely

and it's not because it's New Years Eve.

I came here tonight because when you realize

you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody,

you want the rest of the life to start as soon as possible.

("Auld Lang Syne")

- You see?

That is just like you, Harry.

You say things like that and you make it

impossible for me to hate you!

And I hate you Harry.

I really hate you.

I hate you.

♪ For auld lang syne

♪ We'll take a cup of kindness yet

♪ For auld lang syne

- What does this song mean?

My whole life, I don't know what this song means.

I mean, "Should old acquaintance be forgot."

Does that mean we should forget old acquaintances

or does it mean if we happen to forget them

we should remember them,

which is not possible because we already forgot them?

- Well maybe it just means that

we should remember that we forgot them or something.

Anyway, it's about old friends.

♪ Be forgot ♪

♪ and days of old lang syne ♪

- [Harry Voiceover] The first time we met

we hated each other.

- [Sally Voiceover] No, you didn't hate me, I hated you.

The second time we met, you didn't even remember me.

- [Harry Voiceover] I did too, I remembered you.

The the third time we met, we became friends.

- [Sally Voiceover] We were friends for a long time.

- [Harry Voiceover] And then we weren't.

- And then we fell in love.

Three months later, we got married.

- It only took three months.

- 12 years and three months.

- We had a really wonderful wedding.

- It was a, it really was a beautiful wedding.

- We had this enormous coconut cake.

- A huge coconut cake

with the tiers and there was this

very rich chocolate sauce on the side.

- Right because not everybody likes it on the cake

because it makes it very soggy.

- Particularly the coconut,

soaks up a lot of that stuff, so you really,

it's important to keep it on the side.

- Right.

♪ It had to be you;

♪ It had to be you;

♪ I wandered around and finally found ♪

♪ The somebody who ♪

♪ Could make me be true ♪

♪ Could make me be blue ♪

♪ And even be glad just to be sad ♪

♪ Thinking of you;

♪ You say "either" and I say "either"

♪ You say "neither," I say "neither" ♪

♪ "Either," "either", "neither," "neither";

♪ Let's call the whole thing off

♪ You say "potato" and I say "patattah"

♪ You say "tomato," I say "tomatah" ♪

♪ "Potato," "patattah," "tomato," "tamatah" ♪

♪ Let's call the whole thing off

♪ Oh, if we call the whole thing off ♪

♪ Then we must part,

♪ And though, if we ever part;

♪ That would break my heart;

♪ You say "lever," I say "lover" ♪

♪ You say "either," I say "other" ♪

♪ For we know, we need each other so

♪ We'd better call off, call off

♪ Let's'

♪ Call it off ♪

♪ Oh, let's ♪

♪ Call it off ♪

♪ Baby, let's ♪

♪ Call it off ♪

♪ Sugar, why don't we ♪

♪ Let's'

♪ Let's call the whole thing ♪

(upbeat piano music)

♪ They're writing songs of love

♪ But not for me ♪

♪ A lucky star's above ♪

♪ But not for me ♪

♪ With love to lead the way ♪

♪ I've found more clouds of gray

♪ Than any Russian play ♪

♪ Could guarantee ♪

♪ I was a fool to fall;

♪ And get that way ♪

♪ Hi ho, alas ♪

♪ And also, lackaday ♪

♪ Although I can't dismiss ♪

♪ The memory of her kiss

♪ I guess she's not ♪

♪ For ♪

♪ Me?

♪ It had to be you;

♪ It had to be you;

(exciting music)

♪ For nobody else gave me a thrill;

♪ With all your faults, I love you still;

♪ It had to be you, wonderful you

♪ It had to be you;