All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S03E23 - Arguments for the Quickie (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

Yo, whassup?

Oh, stop it.

Hey, give me back my skully.

This is not
a skully.

It's a ski cap

your grandmother
gave you for Christmas.

Charlie, come on. He's just
trying to find his look.

Word.

Word?

There's a reindeer
on it.

Don't listen to him, Jake.

I think it looks very dope
on you.

Oh, man!

Hey, did you see

that your former girlfriend's
dance troupe is in town?

Mia's here?

Let me see that.

Come on.
Come on. Come on.

Whoa, is somebody
still carrying a torch?

Torch?
Don't be ridiculous.

I mean, I'm glad
to see

she's following
her dream,

but I've moved on.

You know, I think
she called the other day.

What?! When?!

What'd she want?!
What'd she say?!

Um...

Come on, kid,
spill it!

Nope, no unresolved feelings
there.

She wanted to talk to you,
but you weren't home.

I know that,
you chowderhead.

What else did she say?

Uh, she said, "What's new?"

I said, "Nothing much."

She said, "How's school?"

I said, "It sucks."

Then she said, "That's too bad."

I said, "Yeah."

I'm going to kill him, Alan.

I swear to God
I'm going to kill him.

Oh, yeah, she wants us to come
see her dance next weekend.

It says she's performing
this weekend.

Oh, I guess she called
last weekend.

You're telling me this now?!
Charlie, Charlie, calm down.

How many things does
the kid have to handle?

Eat, poop, tell me who called.

She said some guy
named Will has tickets.

Who's Will?

I don't know.
She said he'd call.

Will's going to call?

You mean the tickets
are at "Will Call"?

I don't know. Maybe.

Dear God,
he's a doorstop that eats.

Do me a favor.

From now on,

when somebody calls,
write it down.

I did.

Where?

On my homework.

Okay. Where's your homework?

Um... Oh, yeah.

My teacher called.
She wants to meet with you.

When?

I guess it was last week.

Peace out.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

* Ooh...
* Men.

Mia left us four seats
for Friday night.

House seats,
center orchestra.

Huh.

What do you think?

You, me, Jake, Kandi,
go out to dinner

make an evening of it.

Sounds like fun.

Maybe afterwards you could
tie me to an anthill

and smear honey
on my genitals.

So you don't want to go?

Geez, now I see
where the kid
gets his brains.

No, I don't want
to go.

Why would I want
to go?

Um, because
you were in love
with the woman

and obviously still have
feelings for her

and want to see her again.

Oh, that's crazy.

God, you are so naive.

How am I naive?

Oh, oh! I know this one.

Alan,

when an ex-girlfriend calls,
no good can come from it.

Unless, you know, it's 2:00
a.m., she's blind drunk

and wants to get even
with her new cheating boyfriend.

She just wanted to invite us
to the ballet.

Yeah, right.

And girls are
completely unaware

that you can see their nipples
through their shirts.

What does that have...?

Really? They know?

There's only a few reasons why
an ex calls.

One: they're doing great
and want to rub your nose in it,

or two: they're doing lousy
and need to borrow money.

Or three: they've got money
from knocking over a Laundromat

and want to hide under your
trailer until the heat's off.

It happens.

Okay, okay.
How about four:

she misses you
and wants to try again?

What is it
she's going to try?

To change me into
something I'm not

to get me to stop drinking,
smoking, gambling?

To rescue me from the barren,
loveless abyss

my life has become?

What?

You know what I think?

I think you were never happier
than when you were with Mia.

You still have feelings for her

and you're just afraid
to admit it.

You are so wrong.
You couldn't be more wrong!

Believe that guy?

You want the truth?

No, probably not.

Good call.

Oh, by the way, here's the
20 bucks I owe ya.

* Men...

ALAN:
I am telling you
it is not appropriate

to wear to the ballet.

Why you trippin' on me?

Hey, Alan.

( gruffly ):
Matey.

I'm not a pirate.

You're not
a gangsta either.

You're a dorky white kid

with a Cub Scout bandana
on his head.

Yo, hate the game,
don't hate the playa.

You know kids
better than me.

How, how long does
this pimp stage last?

Just ignore him.

You sure you won't
change your mind
and come with us?

Positive.

Should I at least
say hi to Mia for you?

Say whatever you want.

I'm meeting somebody
at Pavlov's.

Who?

How would I know?

I haven't met her yet.

( knocking )

Hi, do I look okay?

Perfect.

Hey, no fair!

You grow a rack
like that,

you can wear
anything you want
on your head.

You have a house
on the beach?

I'd love to see it.

I could take you there.

Great.

Then I could bring you
out on my deck,

we could watch the surf
in the moonlight,

then I could take you
in my arms, kiss you.

Not a big kiss.

Just a little something
that gives you a taste

of what's to come.

Well, let's go.

Then I would take your hand
and lead you up to my bedroom

where I would slowly
undress you,

then lay you down
on the crisp cool sheets

and proceed to make
wild, passionate love to you

until we're both
totally spent.

Okay.

Then in the morning,
I'll bring you a cup of coffee

and your car keys.

Wow!

Wait, my car keys?

I'll promise to call you,
but I never will.

Then when you try to call me,

you'll find that
the phone number I gave you

belongs to a dry cleaner
in Koreatown.

What?

When all is said
and done,

you know what
we'll both have?
Nothing.

Not even a good memory.

So what do you say
we do us both a favor

and not go through
with this whole
pathetic charade?

Okay.

Geez, I was just
trying to get laid.

( orchestral music playing )

So, Jake,
the swan is dying...

Can you believe...?

Pardon me.
Excuse me.

Hey, what did I miss?

I thought you weren't coming.

I'm not here for Mia.

I'm here to support
the arts.

Yikes. Look at the package
on that pretty dude.

Hey, good job.

Eat something.

Charlie!

Hey, you were terrific.

Thank you.

I am so glad you came.

Are you kidding me? I've
been looking forward
to this all week.

Dressed like that?

Well, how else would you
recognize me?

These are for you.

Thank you.

They're... beautiful.

No big deal.

They had 'em
at the liquor store.

It was either this

or a stack of
Lotto scratchers.

I think you made
the wise choice.

We'll never know, will we?

By the way, Alan
would have come back, too,

but he had to take
the kids home.

The kids?

He's kind of adopted
a young girl.

Really?

Well, not so much
adopted as banging.

So you're looking good.

You, too.
How you been?

Great, just great.

Really great.

Good.

No, no. No, great.

And you. How have
you been?

Wonderful.

All right, then.

I'm great and
you're wonderful.

What the hell
are we doing here?

Charlie, there was something
I wanted to talk to you about.

Hey, Mia,
who's your
cute friend?

This is Charlie.

Charlie, Theresa.

Hey.

So what do you want
to talk about?

This really
isn't the right place.

Why don't I get changed
and I'll stop by your house
in a little while?

Sure, I'll be up
because you know,
I'm a night person.

I remember.

Of course, if you come
too late I could be drunk.

I remember.

Or there could be
other women there.
I remember.

See you later.

Whatever.

Hey, can you unhook me?

* Men...

( romantic music plays )

What's going on?

Nothing.

Mia's coming over
so I thought I'd... Nothing.

I see.

What do you mean, you see?

You're right.

It's too much.

How's that?

Well, I...

You're right.

She'll smell that there
were candles burning,

so I have to light
at least one.

Now what about
the music?

What about it?

You're right. It sounds
like I'm trying too hard.

( "Camptown Races"playing )

Better?

Well...

You're right.

No music.

Charlie?

Yeah?

I'm just glad
you're over her.

( doorbell rings )

Get the door.

Get the door!
Get the door!

Hi, Alan.

Hey, Mia. You
were great tonight.

Thanks. Did Jake like it?

He was absolutely
knocked out.

Charlie, Mia's here.

Oh, really?
Well, ask her in.

All right.

Won't you come in?

Hi, Mia. I almost
forgot you were coming.

Get out.

Nice to see you again.

Nice to see
you, too.

Sit down.

Make yourself
at home.

Place looks the same.

Well, you know me.

If it ain't broke,
don't fix it.

If it is broke,
who gives a rat's ass?

Can I get
you a drink?

No. I'm good.

So am I.
In fact, I'm great.

Yeah. You mentioned that.

Repeatedly.

So, what did you
want to talk about?

Oh, boy, this
is a hard thing to ask.

You need some money.

What?

No.

So, what?

You want to get
back together again?

Oh, God, no.

All right, then.

How about a quickie
for old times' sake?

Please.

Charlie, I think
you're a terrific guy.

You're smart, you're handsome,
you're talented...

All good arguments
for the quickie.

Will you let me finish?

Didn't I always?

Okay. Sorry.

I've been thinking
a lot lately

about what I want
out of life.

I love dancing,
but let's face it,

I'm not getting
any younger.

So the time has come
for me to make
some tough choices.

I understand completely.

You do?

Nah. I'm just trying

to be supportive.

Charlie,
I came here because...

Well...

I want your sperm.

All right. Where
do you want it?

Alan! Alan!
Wake up! Wake up!

What?

Mia wants sperm.

Well, don't look at me.

No. She wants my sperm.

She wants me to make
a deposit so she
can have a baby.

You're kidding.
Apparently, that's
another one of its uses.

What the hell
is that?

I'm not sure.

Near as I can tell,
she's chasing a rabbit.

So why did Mia come to you?

Well, it turns out
her biological
clock is ticking.

Most of the guys
she meets are
ballet dancers,

so, you know,
slim pickin's there.

And she doesn't
want to wait

for Mr. Right
to come along.

Which pretty much leaves you.

Yep. I'm good genetic
material, you know?

Easy on the eyes.

And she wants to
raise the kid alone,

which fits nicely
into my lifestyle.

Charlie, drinking,
gambling and casual sex

is not a lifestyle.

Look, I didn't come in here
to argue with you.

Look in the hedges.
Look in the hedges.

What?

I don't know.

So... so what are you...
what are you gonna do?

You gonna go to a sperm bank?

Well, I tried to talk her
into a direct deposit.

You know, straight from the tap.

But she really dug in her heels.

And not in the good way.

And you're okay with it?

Well, why not? I've sent
billions of soldiers out there.

It's time for one of them
to finally take the hill.

( growling )

Now what?

I think she caught the rabbit.

Oh. Anyway, this
could be my one chance

to guarantee
the Charlie gene lives on.

You know, make sure that the
double helix that is uniquely me

keeps on truckin'
into the future.

Okay, okay, let's assume
that's a good thing.

One more question.
Yeah?

If you have no doubts
about this,

why did you wake me up
to tell me?

Well, you're
my brother,

and I thought
you should know

you're going
to be an uncle.

You mean, I'm going
to be an uncle

to a child I'll never see.

Tell you what.

When he turns 12,
I'll track him down,

bring him to live with you,

and we'll see if you get
your phone messages.

* Men...

What do you think?

Looks like pretty
standard boilerplate.

It basically says that once
your swim team's off the bus,

you're no longer
the coach.

All right. Let's see.

Where do I sign?

The ol' John Hancock,
if you will.

Are you sure
you want to?

You're giving up
the rights not
only to your sperm,

but to any children
that might result
from them-- it.

I understand.
Do you?

Once you sign, Mia
can do whatever she
wants with it-- them.

She can use it,
resell it,

freeze it,
put it on eBay...

I don't care if she uses it
to caulk her bathtub.

Once the boys reach
escape velocity,
they're on their own.

I see.

It's out of my hands,
so to speak.

I get it.

Okay. I'll be back
in two shakes.

Three, if it's
cold in there.

Charlie, you okay?

( man yelling angrily
in Spanish )

Lo siento, señor.

Charlie?

What?!

Well, you've been in there
a long time.

How is it going?

How do you think
it's going?

Well, I don't know
if this will help,

but sometimes,
when I was married,

I used to pretend
that I was having sex

with a completely
different woman.

Oh, thanks.

The image of you
bumping uglies
with your ex-wife

should really
move things along.

Excuse me.
I was just trying to help.

Yeah, well, I was
just trying to have
sex with a cup.

Don't think of it as a cup.

Think of it as a...
a polyurethane lap dancer.

( thump on door )

Hello.

Charlie, I was just
getting packed.

Oh, right, you're heading
to San Francisco.

That's got
to be a big ballet town.

So, did you go
to the sperm bank?

Uh-huh.

And?

Not a lot of laughs
in that place.

I asked the receptionist

if she ever takes her
work home with her.

Nothing. Not even a smile.

Thanks for doing this.

You have no idea
what it means to me.

Yeah, well, funny thing.

Turns out
it means something to me, too.

What are you talking about?

I tried, Mia, I really did.

I tried the magazines,
the movies.

You can't imagine how bad
porn acting is until you

actually watch more than three,
four minutes at a time.

So you're saying
you couldn't? You?

Yeah, I know.

What are the odds, huh?

Well, I guess
these things happen.

You'll try again,
and I'm sure you'll do fine.

I don't think so.

Why not?

Well, I have some
thoughts about the reason

things didn't go down as
planned, or, actually, up.

Okay, I'm listening.

As I was sitting in that
little sperm cubicle,

watching Assmasters 7,
The Final Chapter,

all I could think about
was some kid of mine

growing up somewhere, and-and
me not having a chance to,

you know, be a
part of his life.

I thought you were okay
with that.

I thought I was, too, but,
as it turns out, I'm not.

So, if this is something
you really want to do,

then you're going to have
to find someone else.

I see.

And, by the way,

Assmasters 7 is not
the final chapter.

They left a lot
of loose ends.

All right,
well, I got to go.

I appreciate the effort.

Yeah, thanks.

I think I have a
rotator cuff injury.

Good seeing you again, Charlie.

Good seeing you, too.

Let me float
another idea by you.

What?

It's a little crazy,
a little unorthodox,

but if you really want a kid,
this could be the solution.

Charlie, I am not
having sex with you.

Who said anything
about having sex?

I'm asking you
to marry me.

There's no Charlie here.

Why you stupid girls
keep calling?

No, listen,
I don't take message.

I do dry cleaning.

One more time,
there's no Charlie here!