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1
00:00:02,636 --> 00:00:03,604
Hey.
2
00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:05,739
Hey.
3
00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:08,609
So, what's going on
in school?
4
00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,544
Nothing.
5
00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:13,781
Nothing? You just
sit there all day
6
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,249
and stare at the wall?
7
00:00:15,316 --> 00:00:17,618
That's where
the clock is.
8
00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:21,989
( phonerings )
9
00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:23,757
CHARLIE:
I got it.
10
00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:26,927
Well, I find it
hard to believe
11
00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:29,197
that you just watch
the clock all day.
12
00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:31,632
Have you seen
my report card?
13
00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:36,036
Jake, it's for you.
14
00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:37,037
I'm busy.
15
00:00:37,105 --> 00:00:38,072
It's a girl.
16
00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:40,007
I don't care.
17
00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:41,409
Her name is Wendy Cho.
18
00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:44,945
Hold on! I'm coming!
Don't hang up!
19
00:00:45,012 --> 00:00:47,915
Hey. How's it going?
20
00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:50,651
Okay, that's something
we haven't seen before.
21
00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:55,223
Yeah. He only moves that fast
when he's got the squirts.
22
00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:58,892
Wendy Cho is the smartest
girl at school.
23
00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:00,261
I wonder why she's calling Jake.
24
00:01:00,328 --> 00:01:03,030
Maybe she lost a bet.
25
00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:04,365
That's not nice.
26
00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:08,336
Well, kids are cruel.
27
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:09,870
Jake is obviously
smitten with her.
28
00:01:09,937 --> 00:01:13,040
I just hope he's not setting
himself up for disappointment.
29
00:01:13,107 --> 00:01:14,108
Hey, you know
what they say:
30
00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:15,976
"A man's reach must
exceed his grasp
31
00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:18,746
or what's a penis for?"
32
00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:21,215
Who says that?
33
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:24,585
Okay, I might
be paraphrasing.
34
00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:27,155
* Men, men, men, men,
manly, men, men, men *
35
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:30,791
* Oh.
* Men...
36
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:40,601
Hey, Dad?
Yeah, Jake?
37
00:01:40,668 --> 00:01:43,537
Wendy Cho's having a party
tomorrow night. Can I go?
38
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:46,106
Tomorrow? A little
last minute, isn't it?
39
00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:47,741
Well, she wasn't going
to invite me
40
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,310
'cause Danny Palmer
told Amy Sherlack
41
00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:50,711
that I didn't like her,
42
00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:53,013
but I told Peter Calahan
to tell Ellen Meisner
43
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,782
that I kinda did.
44
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:57,851
I see.
45
00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:02,256
You do?
46
00:02:02,323 --> 00:02:06,594
He lost me at
Amy Sherlack.
47
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,462
Are her parents
going to be there?
48
00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:09,230
I guess.
49
00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:11,332
Let the fathers
who have girls
50
00:02:11,399 --> 00:02:14,468
worry about that.
51
00:02:14,535 --> 00:02:15,703
Shut up.
52
00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:19,039
All right. I'm going
to want to meet her parents,
53
00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:20,774
but I don't see any reason
why you can't go.
54
00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:25,045
Cool. Oh, yeah. I'm going
a new shirt, new pants
and new shoes.
55
00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:26,714
What's wrong with
those you've got?
56
00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:29,750
Are you kidding?
Everybody's already seen them.
57
00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:33,987
Yeah, but not with all
the latest food stains.
58
00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:36,390
I hear gravy's
the new black.
59
00:02:38,192 --> 00:02:40,160
Fine.
We'll go shopping tomorrow.
60
00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:41,429
How about a
new haircut?
61
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,231
What's wrong with my hair?
62
00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:47,235
Let's just say
everybody's
already seen it.
63
00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:48,536
Okay. New haircut.
64
00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:52,506
So, this is your
first party
with girls, huh?
65
00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:55,476
Maybe.
66
00:02:55,543 --> 00:02:57,645
Maybe?
You're not sure?
67
00:02:57,711 --> 00:03:02,350
You got some
cross-dressers
in sixth grade?
68
00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:06,554
Playing a little pin
the tail on the tranny?
69
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,456
Shut up.
70
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:12,393
Why does everyone
keep telling me
to shut up?
71
00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:15,263
'Cause you're
an insensitive dolt.
72
00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:17,130
That's no reason.
73
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,500
This is a very delicate time
in a boy's life.
74
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:20,734
I remember
how nervous I was
75
00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:22,403
about my first
boy-girl party.
76
00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:25,606
Oh, right. That was
in college, wasn't it?
77
00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:29,209
Shut up.
78
00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:32,079
What's important now
is that we support Jake.
79
00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:33,914
Agreed.
I'll kick in the wine coolers
80
00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:38,352
and a package of condoms.
What are you going to do?
81
00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:39,987
You're joking, right?
82
00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:44,157
Okay, let's say I'm joking.
83
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:46,294
Look, I appreciate
your interest
84
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,195
but this is
a father-son moment
85
00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:50,230
and, in fact,
it's one that I've
been looking forward to
86
00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:55,736
since I saw the shadow
of his little dingus
in the first sonogram.
87
00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:57,871
That's very touching,
88
00:03:57,938 --> 00:03:59,106
and more than
a bit creepy.
89
00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:03,911
But, still, I can't
risk letting you
scar the kid forever.
90
00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:04,978
What do you mean by that?
91
00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:07,381
Face it, Alan. What
can you bring to the table
92
00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:10,951
other than a lifetime
of abject failure with women?
93
00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:14,154
It's not a lifetime yet.
94
00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:15,456
I, on the other hand,
95
00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,224
have a wealth of experience
to offer.
96
00:04:17,291 --> 00:04:21,662
He's 12. He doesn't need to know
how to choreograph a three-way.
97
00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:24,164
I'm not talking about that.
98
00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:25,899
I'm saving that for prom night.
99
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:29,002
Oh, good.
100
00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:30,804
Let me give you an example.
101
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:31,805
Jake's at the party.
102
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,441
All the boys
are on one side of the room,
103
00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:35,643
all the girls are on the other.
What's he do?
104
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:36,076
Um...
105
00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:37,511
You see? You see?
106
00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:40,113
Right there-- that "um..."--
is the battle cry
107
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:42,916
of the chronic masturbator.
108
00:04:48,188 --> 00:04:50,791
Define "chronic."
109
00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:56,697
The solution to the problem,
my hairy-palmed friend...
110
00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:58,999
...is to walk right up
to the prettiest girl there
111
00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:00,233
and ask her to dance.
112
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,234
Why the prettiest girl?
113
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,436
Because she's the one
114
00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:03,737
all the other guys
are afraid of.
115
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,573
She'll be dying
for some attention.
116
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,975
What if Wendy Cho isn't
the prettiest girl at the party?
117
00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:09,443
It doesn't matter.
118
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:11,178
When she sees our boy
dancing with a hot chick,
119
00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:12,880
she'll be all over him.
120
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,117
Of course.
121
00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:18,819
It's... it's so obvious.
122
00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:22,723
Bet you're wishing you could
do over sixth grade now, huh?
123
00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:26,059
I could have danced
with Heidi Winkler.
124
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,528
Yeah, you could have.
125
00:05:27,595 --> 00:05:29,296
Or... or Pam Talega.
Yep.
126
00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:31,064
Or Mary Beth Hicks.
Uh-huh.
127
00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:33,066
Shoshana Wasserstein!
128
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,903
Ooh. I don't think so.
129
00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,473
* Men...
130
00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:41,875
Hey, can I get leather pants?
131
00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:43,176
No.
No.
132
00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:44,578
Why not?
133
00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:47,781
Because you need something
that lets the farts out.
134
00:05:52,319 --> 00:05:56,089
So... Wendy Cho, huh?
135
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:58,191
Real subtle, Alan.
136
00:05:58,258 --> 00:06:00,494
Charlie,
it's a father-son thing.
137
00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:03,764
Yeah, so was prewar Iraq.
138
00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:07,367
You, uh, want to
tell me about her?
139
00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:08,969
Not really.
140
00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:10,538
Is she in your class?
141
00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:15,142
Where else would I meet her,
in a bar?
142
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,877
My turn?
No.
143
00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:18,712
I'm just curious
144
00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,313
about what kind
of person she is,
145
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,382
what is about her
that you find--
146
00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:25,853
I don't know-- alluring.
147
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:26,987
What?
148
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:30,390
Your dad wants to know
if you think she's hot.
149
00:06:30,458 --> 00:06:32,125
Oh.
150
00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:33,427
It's personal.
151
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:35,596
She's hot.
152
00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:37,731
Are you nervous
about this party?
153
00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:40,668
I don't know, maybe a little.
154
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,203
Okay, Jake,
here's what you do.
Charlie.
155
00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:45,105
Hey, hey, you had your shot.
156
00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:46,674
"Alluring"?
157
00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:50,243
Is there going
to be dancing tonight?
158
00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:51,512
I think so.
Terrific.
159
00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:53,013
Do you know how to dance?
160
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,414
Not exactly.
161
00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:55,783
Don't worry;
it's easy to fake.
162
00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:58,586
The thing to remember
is the more you move your arms,
163
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,353
the stupider you look.
164
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,590
Oh, that is so not true.
165
00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:05,025
Just keep it simple,
and you'll be fine.
Okay.
166
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:08,295
Besides, the critical time
is between dances.
167
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:09,497
What do you mean?
168
00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,164
That's when you talk,
or more precisely,
169
00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:12,399
you get her to talk.
170
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:13,701
About what?
171
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:16,303
Doesn't matter--
you won't be listening anyway.
172
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:17,471
Oh, Charlie.
173
00:07:17,538 --> 00:07:19,139
Just drive the car.
174
00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:21,575
Yeah, Dad, this is important.
175
00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:23,777
Keep in mind: you're not looking
to score tonight,
176
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,846
you're just trying to get
into the batter's box.
177
00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:27,815
Wendy doesn't like sports.
178
00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:30,518
You're missing the point.
179
00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:32,085
She plays violin.
180
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:35,823
Listen to me.
181
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:38,992
Your goal for the party tonight
is to convince Wendy Cho
182
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:40,828
that you're a mature,
sophisticated guy
183
00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:44,164
who sees her not just as a woman
but as a complete human being.
184
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:45,298
You got it?
185
00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:46,634
I think so.
Good.
186
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:48,569
I'm not going.
187
00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:52,405
Hey, hey, not only
are you going to go,
188
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,575
but it's going to be a night
you'll remember
189
00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:55,776
for the rest
of your life.
190
00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:58,178
That's what I'm afraid of.
191
00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:03,517
* Men...
192
00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:06,186
Oh, oh, this is nice.
193
00:08:06,253 --> 00:08:10,057
Yeah, sure, if he's doing
the other kids' taxes.
194
00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:12,025
It's a timeless style.
195
00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:15,563
No, it just seems timeless
when you're not getting laid.
196
00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:17,598
Put it back.
197
00:08:17,665 --> 00:08:18,866
JAKE:
This is cool.
198
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:21,068
CHARLIE:
Yeah, just one question:
199
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:24,838
is your Wendy Cho
a voodoo priestess?
200
00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:27,941
No, I think she's Chinese.
201
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,943
Put it back.
202
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,879
You know, there's something
to be said
203
00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:33,614
for letting him
make his own choices here.
204
00:08:33,681 --> 00:08:37,050
Oh, that's a bunch of
crap-- he's an idiot.
205
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:39,086
If we let him, he'd
go to that party
206
00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:41,655
in a Viking helmet
and a cape.
207
00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:46,093
Ah. Here we go.
208
00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:50,564
Don't even think about it.
209
00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:52,766
What? It says,
"I've got a little money,
210
00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:54,367
but I'm not a corporate drone."
211
00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:58,538
No, it says, "I'm pushing 40,
and I can't deal with it."
212
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:01,942
All right.
213
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:04,111
Maybe the kid needs
his own look.
214
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:05,012
Jake, come here.
215
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:07,180
What?
CHARLIE:
Just stand there.
216
00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:10,984
Let's try and visualize what
your personal style might be.
217
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,686
Okay.
218
00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:23,030
Maybe we should start
with the haircut.
219
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:25,165
* Men...
220
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:28,936
Oh, my, has Mommy been trimming
your hair with her teeth?
221
00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:30,170
What?
222
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:33,774
Not to worry,
Ricky loves a challenge.
223
00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:35,442
I'm guessing
Ricky also loves
224
00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:38,712
pretending he's
a taffy apple.
225
00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:41,148
You want to take him to your
guy, with the shaking hands
226
00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:43,016
and the signed picture
of Desi Arnaz on the wall?
227
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,185
Desi Arnaz had
beautiful hair.
228
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,487
So, Charles,
do we have a game plan,
229
00:09:47,554 --> 00:09:49,189
or shall I just
follow my muse?
230
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:50,257
Can I get a mohawk?
231
00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:51,324
No.
No.
No.
232
00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:52,960
I think we
should just go
233
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:54,194
for something
young and hip.
234
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:56,864
Like your hairstyle.
Sure. Why not?
235
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,832
You'd have to kill me.
236
00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:02,135
Just tighten it up a little,
nothing extreme.
237
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:03,036
Can you make it purple?
238
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,972
No.
No.
No.
239
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:05,973
Aw, man.
240
00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:07,574
Relax, Jake,
Ricky knows what he's doing.
241
00:10:07,641 --> 00:10:09,242
He's been cutting my hair
for years.
242
00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:11,111
Well, what if I don't want
to look like you?
243
00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:13,013
What's wrong
with the way I look?
244
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:17,284
Nothing... if you're a statue in
front of a Big Boy restaurant.
245
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,586
Are you freakin'
kidding me?
246
00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:20,553
Charlie.
247
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,455
Kid should be so lucky.
248
00:10:22,522 --> 00:10:24,291
We'll wait over here.
249
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:27,327
I'm buying the little wiseass
a $75 haircut,
250
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:28,361
and he's taking shots at me?
251
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:30,898
You said it yourself: he
has to find his own look.
252
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:33,934
Yeah, well, let him find it
on somebody else's MasterCard!
253
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,202
Look at his point of view.
254
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:36,403
What's his point of view?
255
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:37,337
Well, put overalls on you,
256
00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:40,007
and you do kind of
look like the Big Boy.
257
00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:42,876
Stand like this for me.
258
00:10:45,713 --> 00:10:47,380
Shut up.
259
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:49,316
By the way...
260
00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:51,952
did you have "the
talk" with him?
261
00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:55,088
Oh, sure, I mean,
well, we've had a talk,
262
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,389
you know,
covered the basics.
263
00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:59,059
He knows where babies come from
and how they got there.
264
00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:01,228
That's all? He's
going to this party
completely clueless
265
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:04,364
about how much fun
he can have between
"Hi, how are you?"
266
00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:06,767
and "What do you mean
you missed your period?"
267
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,268
Charlie, it's a kids' party:
268
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,237
pizza, soft drinks,
a little dancing.
269
00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:13,406
Oh, really?
You know what I was
doing at his age?
270
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:14,474
I don't want to hear it.
271
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:15,308
Are you sure?
272
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:17,310
It involves
Shoshana Wasserstein.
273
00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:20,413
You danced with
Shoshana Wasserstein?
274
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,116
Actually, that's the
one thing we didn't do.
275
00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,453
Nevertheless,
I am Jake's father,
276
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:27,888
and I happen to believe
277
00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:29,656
childhood should be
a time of innocence.
278
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:32,259
I agree-- childhood should be
a time of innocence.
279
00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:34,294
And Bambi's mother
shouldn't die,
280
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,496
and lap dances
should be complimentary
281
00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:38,531
after the fifth cocktail.
282
00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:40,333
But that's not
283
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:41,434
the world we live in.
284
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,971
This party tonight
is the initial round
285
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:47,240
in a lifelong process
of sexual elimination.
286
00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:47,908
Oh, really?
287
00:11:47,975 --> 00:11:49,342
Think of it as musical chairs,
288
00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:52,445
but when the music stops,
the guys who have a clue
289
00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:55,215
are sitting on a woman
instead of a chair.
290
00:11:56,683 --> 00:11:58,185
The guys who have no clue,
291
00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:00,453
they'll spend
their teenage years...
292
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:01,554
Well,
293
00:12:01,621 --> 00:12:05,125
I certainly don't need to
tell Dungeonmaster Alan.
294
00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:08,796
* Men...
295
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,501
I'm ready.
296
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:19,472
It's very nice.
Yeah, I think we're good.
297
00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:20,808
Turn around.
298
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:26,379
You're supposed to take
the price tag off.
299
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:30,183
But you said it was good
to be seen in expensive clothes.
300
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:33,053
You still want him to learn
from his mistakes?
301
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,755
Fine. Can we go now?
Hang on.
302
00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:37,925
Let's see the dance moves.
303
00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:41,194
( Charlie singing
mid-tempo dance beat )
304
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:44,865
Don't stare at your shoes.
305
00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:46,934
Eyes on the girl
at all times.
306
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,636
Pretend you care.
307
00:12:49,702 --> 00:12:50,703
( Charlie singing )
308
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:51,771
Good, good, good.
309
00:12:51,839 --> 00:12:54,574
Now, how do you stand
when you know
310
00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:56,877
Wendy's looking at you?
311
00:12:57,911 --> 00:12:59,479
That's it.
312
00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:01,481
Little head bob.
313
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:04,918
Show me the sleepy eyes.
314
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,857
I said sleepy, not brain-dead.
315
00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:13,827
All right.
316
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:15,095
Who's the man?
317
00:13:15,162 --> 00:13:16,463
I'm the man.
Who's the man?
318
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:17,130
I'm the man!
319
00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:19,132
Okay, let's go get 'em!
320
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:26,806
( singing dance beat )
321
00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:31,678
CHARLIE ( calls ):
Alan!
I'm coming!
322
00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:35,448
2138...
323
00:13:35,515 --> 00:13:37,117
2136...
324
00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:40,587
Try the house with the balloons
tied to the mailbox.
325
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,290
Oh. Right.
326
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:45,926
Okay.
327
00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:47,694
Let's go.
328
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,898
Where are you going?
329
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:52,699
I want to meet her
parents, say hello,
330
00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:54,301
find out when
to pick you up.
331
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:56,169
Alan, you take one step
out of this car,
332
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:59,206
I will beat your brains out
with a tire iron.
333
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:01,975
Thank you, Uncle Charlie.
334
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,376
Have fun.
335
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:06,046
Uh, call my cell
when you want me to pick you...
336
00:14:06,113 --> 00:14:07,280
( door closes )
337
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:08,281
...up.
338
00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:12,953
( sighs ):
There he goes.
339
00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:18,091
My son is attending his
first boy-girl party.
340
00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:21,428
( both sigh loudly )
341
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:24,431
Who's that opening
the door?
342
00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:26,967
Oh, that's, uh,
that's Wendy Cho.
343
00:14:27,034 --> 00:14:28,101
Oh, good. She's cute.
344
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:29,302
The kid's got taste.
345
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:31,471
But she's, like, a
foot taller than him.
346
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,941
That's all right--
when they slow dance,
347
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,909
his head'll be
perfectly positioned.
348
00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:38,045
Oh, get your mind
out of the gutter.
349
00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:40,813
Right. Like, you never copped
a feel with your ear.
350
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,483
No!
351
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:47,154
Well... okay, once,
with Aunt Sophie.
352
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,356
But that was an accident.
353
00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:51,424
So you know
what I'm talking about.
354
00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:53,560
Oh, yeah.
355
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:56,396
* Men...
356
00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:57,864
Here you go.
357
00:14:57,931 --> 00:14:59,632
Thank you.
358
00:14:59,699 --> 00:15:01,668
( laughs ):
Oh, looks good.
359
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,871
She's pretty, huh?
360
00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:06,940
Huh?
361
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:08,308
Yeah, I guess.
362
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:10,143
What's the matter with you?
363
00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:13,213
What if I sent him
out there too soon?
364
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:14,681
What if he's not ready?
365
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:17,384
Don't beat yourself up.
You did everything you could.
366
00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:21,054
There just wasn't
enough time, damn it.
367
00:15:21,121 --> 00:15:22,622
It's out of our hands--
we just have
368
00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:23,756
to let nature take its course.
369
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:25,425
Sounds good-- unfortunately,
370
00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:28,861
nature keeps telling him
to scratch his ass.
371
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,630
( phone plays ring-tone )
372
00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:31,864
Oh, it's Jake.
373
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,001
Oh, God, I knew it!
Give me that.
374
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:35,535
No, no, no, I got it.
375
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,270
Hey, what's up, buddy?
376
00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:39,172
He wants to come home.
377
00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:40,673
Why? He just got there.
378
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:43,276
Why? You just got there.
379
00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:45,512
He says it's personal.
380
00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:46,879
Give me that.
381
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,581
Jake...
382
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:51,218
Jake, I'm gonna talk
you through this.
383
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:54,354
Just pipe down and listen.
384
00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:57,057
Finish your cookie later!
385
00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:01,294
Where's Wendy Cho right now?
386
00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:04,031
Well, how many girls
is she talking to?
387
00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:08,735
Okay, okay, you got to
split her from the herd.
388
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:11,671
Walk over and say
you have something to ask her.
389
00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:15,508
Then take her hand and lead her
away from her friends.
390
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:18,611
Okay, then put
the cookie down first!
391
00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:21,614
Now, when you have some privacy,
392
00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:25,685
I want you to look her right in
the eye and say you were lying,
393
00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:28,621
you just wanted to
be alone with her.
394
00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:31,191
It will, too, work!
395
00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:32,825
All right, call me back.
396
00:16:32,892 --> 00:16:34,361
( sighs )
397
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:37,464
God, I just wish I could
be there with him.
398
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:38,531
Me, too.
399
00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:40,033
Thanks.
400
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:44,003
You ready for a refill?
401
00:16:44,071 --> 00:16:45,672
Sure.
402
00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:47,207
Are you okay?
403
00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:48,941
Yeah, I'm fine.
404
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,610
I'm just worried
about my nephew.
405
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,845
He's at his first
boy-girl party.
406
00:16:52,912 --> 00:16:55,648
Aw, that's adorable.
407
00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,384
Uh, he's, uh, he's my son.
408
00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,586
Uh-huh.
409
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:01,988
How old is he?
410
00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:05,758
12. Kid's the apple of my eye.
411
00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:07,594
You're so sweet.
412
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:08,728
Uh, excuse me,
413
00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:12,432
officially, it's, uh,
my apple, uh, and my eye.
414
00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:15,302
Okay.
415
00:17:16,936 --> 00:17:18,305
Connie.
416
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,005
Charlie.
417
00:17:19,072 --> 00:17:20,940
Would you like some pie,
Charlie?
418
00:17:21,007 --> 00:17:22,742
It's on the house.
419
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:24,944
Your house or mine?
420
00:17:25,011 --> 00:17:27,780
( laughs ):
You're awful. Mine.
421
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:31,451
Un-freakin'-believable.
422
00:17:31,518 --> 00:17:34,187
Look, Connie,
I'm kind of tied up tonight,
423
00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:35,655
you know, with my nephew,
424
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,891
but why don't you write
your number on the bill?
Hmm.
425
00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:42,295
Already did.
426
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:45,998
What?
427
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,734
He's my son.
428
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,903
But I know how to use him.
429
00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:53,840
( phone plays "Fur Elise"
ring tone )
430
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,475
Oh, it's Jake.
431
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:02,982
Talk to me.
432
00:18:03,049 --> 00:18:04,951
No, you're the man.
433
00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:06,286
You're the man.
434
00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:08,788
Great. Keep me posted.
435
00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:09,956
Who's the man?
436
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:11,858
Right.
437
00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:17,029
What? What?
438
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:20,533
It's going well.
439
00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:24,171
* Men...
440
00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:27,006
He's gonna be one
of the last to leave.
441
00:18:27,073 --> 00:18:28,341
That's a good sign.
442
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,143
( sighs ):
Yeah.
443
00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:32,011
You tend to lose track of time
444
00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:33,913
when you're in a closet
with a girl.
445
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:35,248
Uh-huh.
446
00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:37,717
I just wish I could've covered
kissing with him.
447
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:41,288
Please, God,
don't let him pucker.
448
00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:44,123
( heavy sigh )
What's wrong?
449
00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:46,193
Oh, it's nothing.
450
00:18:46,259 --> 00:18:47,794
Don't worry,
Wendy'll know what to do.
451
00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:50,230
She's probably been practicing
with her girlfriends.
452
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:53,533
Man, chicks are so lucky.
453
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,336
It's not the kissing,
it's... ( sighs )
454
00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:58,104
it's this whole thing.
455
00:18:58,171 --> 00:18:59,372
Hey, look, I'm sorry
if I interfered
456
00:18:59,439 --> 00:19:00,840
with the father-son deal,
Alan...
457
00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:03,543
No, no, no, you've, uh,
you've done a great job.
458
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:05,445
Jake's really lucky to have you.
459
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:07,314
So what's the problem?
460
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:12,051
I guess I'm a little jealous.
Of what?
461
00:19:12,118 --> 00:19:14,954
Charlie, do you have any idea
what it would've meant to me
462
00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:18,391
to have you take me under your
wing the way you have with Jake?
463
00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:21,328
Oh, we're we go.
Dad was gone
464
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:23,763
and there was no one
to teach me this stuff.
465
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,965
You know how I found out
about French kissing?
466
00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:28,935
Mom sliced a plum in half
and stuck her tongue in it.
467
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:33,373
Aw, you could've taken
that secret to the grave.
468
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:34,907
And that's not all
she showed me.
469
00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:38,845
To this day I can't eat plums,
dried apricots or b-bananas.
470
00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:43,650
All right, all right, I'm sorry.
471
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:47,354
Look, I was young,
I was selfish.
472
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:50,323
I should've been there for you.
473
00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:53,426
You know, it's not too late.
474
00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:56,329
That's a real nice idea, buddy.
475
00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:58,898
But I'm afraid it is.
476
00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:02,201
JAKE:
Hey.
477
00:20:02,269 --> 00:20:03,770
Hey.
478
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:07,240
Well? How'd it go?
479
00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:08,441
Okay.
480
00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:11,344
J-Just okay?
Alan, leave it alone.
481
00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:14,481
All right.
482
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:16,649
So, Jake, congratulations.
483
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:17,584
For what?
484
00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:20,253
You got lipstick
all over your mouth.
485
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,454
Aw, man!
486
00:20:21,521 --> 00:20:23,890
Relax, I was bluffing.
487
00:20:23,956 --> 00:20:25,392
Oh.
488
00:20:25,458 --> 00:20:28,661
But congratulations.
489
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:31,564
Thanks.
490
00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:35,435
* Men...
491
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:41,574
but I think Jake's off to
a good start with the ladies.
492
00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:46,513
Yeah, listen, Charlie,
um, don't take this
the wrong way, but...
493
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:50,817
I really don't want Jake
to grow up like... you.
494
00:20:50,883 --> 00:20:54,854
Oh, Alan, how could I possibly
take that the wrong way?
495
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:57,590
No, I mean, I don't want him
to be a player.
496
00:20:57,657 --> 00:20:59,392
I want him to value women
497
00:20:59,459 --> 00:21:01,928
and cherish his relationships
with them.
498
00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:03,463
Hey, I value women.
499
00:21:03,530 --> 00:21:06,433
I cherish my relationships
with them.
500
00:21:06,499 --> 00:21:10,236
But I take your point.
501
00:21:10,303 --> 00:21:12,905
Hey, Dad, how old
do you have to be
502
00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:14,774
to get married?
503
00:21:14,841 --> 00:21:16,776
Uh, I guess 18. Why?
504
00:21:16,843 --> 00:21:19,579
Just wondering how long
Wendy and I have to wait.
505
00:21:19,646 --> 00:21:23,650
One kiss, and he's ready
to marry the girl.
506
00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:25,485
So?
507
00:21:25,552 --> 00:21:27,153
So you don't have to worry.
508
00:21:27,219 --> 00:21:29,822
He's definitely your son.
34985
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