Original subtitles

Alan, do you ever fantasize when we're making love?

Well, occasionally, I pretend that I'm better-looking.

What about you?

Sometimes I imagine we're in the middle

of a big department store.

Ha... having sex?

No. Shopping.

Why would I fantasize about having sex

while I'm having sex?

Do you think about ham and cheese

when you're eating a sandwich?

Can't argue with that.

What ya thinkin'?

Well, nothing, really. I... I just...

I got a call from Jake's school today.

Huh. You know who called me?

Jessica Murray.

Oh? Who's that?

A friend of mine.

Yeah. Well, anyway, Jake's mom and I

have to go to a parent-teacher conference tomorrow,

and I don't really know what it's about.

Huh. Hey, do you ever pretend your toes are little people?

What? No.

Sometimes I make believe they're different families

playing Family Feud.

All right, let's meet our champions.

He goes to market, she stays home.

Please welcome the Piggie family!

Hi, everybody!

You're goin' down, Piggie Family.

You're goin' down!

Hey.

Hey.

How's it goin'?

Forget it, Alan.

I only do the aprés sex chat

with people I've just had sex with.

Come on. She's playing Family Feud with her toes.

I don't care if she's playing banjo with her nipples.

But I need to communicate after lovemaking.

I-I need to share.

Well, maybe you should have thought of that

before you started boinkin' a girl

with the IQ of Tickle Me Elmo.

Fine.

Hey, Berta. How's it goin'?

Back off, Zippy.

If you want pillow talk,

you gotta spoon me first.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah... * Men.

but I think we all agree that ship has pretty much sailed.

So why did you want to see us?

Well, I'm concerned that, even outside of the classroom,

Jake has no interest in anything that goes on around here.

Now, hang on.

He speaks very highly of your hot lunch program.

Well, I was talking more about hobbies

or extracurricular activities.

Well, I don't know about his father,

but I've tried to share some of my interests with him.

Unfortunately, he's a little young

to drink in the dark and bitch about men.

( snickering )

You know...

I was kind of lacking in focus

when I was his age, too,

until I got bit by the ol' theater bug.

Too bad you didn't get bit by the ol' rabid squirrel.

You know, I'm organizing a drama club.

Would that be something that Jake would have any interest in,

or do you think he gets enough drama at home?

All the world's a stage.

And we are merely players.

( laughing )

Ooh. Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble.

Did she say what I was in trouble for?

No.

Boy, it's the not knowing that drives you crazy.

Yeah, like a pregnancy test.

Yep.

I don't get it.

( coin jingling )

Yes!

In your face, Opie.

This game stinks.

No, you stink at it.

That was my lunch money.

Aw, your lunch money?

Why didn't you tell me?

* Boo freakin' hoo-- pack a sandwich. *

Okay, Jake, we talked

to Miss Sheffield...

I'm sorry.

What are you sorry about?

I'm... I'm sorry I interrupted you.

Go ahead.

Well, we thought it would be a good idea

if you got involved in some extracurricular activities.

Oh. Okay.

Great, great, we'll talk about it at home.

Do you even know what an extracurricular activity is?

Who cares? I'm off the hook.

* Men...

* I... am the very model of a modern major general *

* I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral *

* I know the kings of England, *

* And I quote the fights historical *

* From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical. *

What do you think?

What was this all about?

It's choreography. It's gay!

Okay, you know, forget about the movements.

Just try singing the song.

No. Why not?

Because it's gay.

Don't encourage him.

Don't make him sing Gilbert and Sullivan.

He needs something to audition for the school musical.

You teach him a song.

Why don't you let him choose?

Jake, why don't you tell your uncle

what you wanted to sing.

It's called "Whoop That Stanky Ho."

All right, there's got to be some middle ground here.

You like classic rock, right? Yeah.

Okay, well, pick a band.

Um... how about Queen?

Oh, good, I was afraid

he was gonna pick something gay.

( playing intro of "Bohemian Rhapsody" )

* I see a little silhouetto of a man *

* Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango? *

* Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening me *

( falsetto, then tenor ): * Galileo, Galileo

* Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Figaro magnifico... *

( stops playing )

It doesn't sound right.

You heard it, too, huh?

You sure you're playing all the right notes?

Yes, I'm sure.

Well, it doesn't sound anything like Queen's version.

No, it doesn't.

Why don't you work on it?

We'll try again tomorrow.

Yeah, why don't I do that?

Kid's a double threat...

tone-deaf and arrogant.

Hey.

Where have you been?

Kandi called looking for you.

Oh, I had to work late.

Oh.

Yeah, one of my regular patients had, uh, a crisis.

His name is Roger.

He had a couple of vertebrae pinching a nerve.

Too bad. Nice guy, you'd like him.

He restores old cars.

Well, it's actually more of a hobby than a job.

He works at Staples.

His name is Roger.

Alan? Yeah?

Why are you lying to me?

I don't know.

I really suck at it.

You do, indeed.

Don't you care where I was?

Why would I start now?

Oh, come on, I really need to get this off my chest.

( sighs )

All right, go ahead.

I was with another woman.

Okay, see, that's a good lie.

No, no, I really was with another woman.

Seriously?

You're already doing a hot 22-year-old,

and you're cheating on her?

Yes.

I am so proud of you!

What?

Who's the dog? My brother's the dog!

( howling )

Come on, dog, come on, dog, howl with me!

( howling )

( howling )

Now, stop howling,

and let me explain.

There's nothing to explain.

You're sleeping with two women at the same time.

You're a big ol' dog! ( howls )

I haven't been sleeping with the other woman.

( howls inquisitively )

I've been seeing Jake's teacher.

( howls inquisitively )

All we do is talk.

( howls weakly )

I don't know how to explain it,

we just have so much in common.

I mean, she's divorced,

she has a kid Jake's age,

she reads, she likes the theater...

Yeah, yeah, but you're not sleeping with her?

Why would I sleep with her when I've got Kandi?

I don't know... 'cause you can?

It's not that kind of relationship.

It's-it's intellectual.

So? Take her to a museum, enjoy the exhibits,

and do her in the restroom!

You're missing the point. No, no, no, no.

You're missing the point.

If you're not getting laid, it's not cheating.

Then why do I feel so guilty?

Well, that's easy-- 'cause you're an idiot.

I guess I just always thought that one woman

was supposed to fulfill all my needs.

Oh, that's an old wives' tale,

started to protect the interests of,

you guessed it, old wives.

So you're saying the whole concept of monogamy is a fraud?

The institution of marriage is a sham?

No, no, no.

I'm just saying bang the teacher.

Why does he make everything so complicated?

* Men...

There we go.

"Blunderbuss."

Oh, oh...

Very elegant use of my "under."

Thank you.

Oh, boy. ( doorbell rings )

I have more vowels than a Honolulu phone book.

You're so clever, Alan.

Thank you.

You am smart, too.

Hey, Alan, can I talk to you for a sec?

Oh, sure. Excuse me.

Hurry back.

What's up?

You tell me.

Nothing, we're just playing Scrabble.

And you know what, I decided you're right.

There's absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Good to know. 'Cause Kandi's here.

Oh, okay. Um...

It's not a problem. Uh, uh, uh, here's what we do.

We?

Come on, work with me!

You go cover for me with Kandi

and I'll get Francine the hell outta here.

But I thought there was nothing to feel guilty about.

Yeah, yeah, you know that and I know that.

Now, go lie to Kandi about it.

Fine, I'll tell her you went to Staples to see Roger.

Who?

Hey, why don't we go take a walk on the beach?

What about the game?

Screw the game. I concede. You win. Well played.

All right.

It is a beautiful night.

Yeah, yeah, let's go enjoy it on the beach.

Come on. Chop chop.

Kandi?

Wha...?

Alan must've slipped out.

You're lying to me, Charlie.

No, I'm not.

Oh, okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't you wanna know where he is?

Where who is?

Alan.

Sure, why not?

All right, the truth is...

Alan is out trying to find the perfect gift for you.

Really? Yes.

He wants to surprise you with something extremely expensive.

Ooh!

Can you give me a hint?

Well, let's see...

it's something that's a girl's best friend

and looks good wrapped around their neck.

I'm getting a monkey?

No, no, it's...

Oh, good Lord.

A diamond necklace.

Oh, that's nice, too.

Just remember, you didn't hear it from me.

Then who'd I hear it from?

Nobody.

When he gives it to you,

act surprised.

Don't worry, I'll be really surprised.

Good, good, good.

So will he.

( slow piano chords playing )

( tunelessly ): * Nothing really matters

* Anyone can see

* Nothing really

* Matters

* Nothing really matters

* To me.

That's... that's... that's terrific.

Wanna hear it again?

No.

W-We don't wanna strain your voice.

You think I'm gonna do okay at the audition?

Well, you never know how these things are gonna go. Yeah.

Just hope I have a decent piano player.

I thought you were working with him. What's the problem?

Okay, there's a technical term we musicians use.

Jake... stinks.

Is there anything we can do?

We can hope "stinks" suddenly becomes popular,

but I wouldn't count on it.

Oh, by the way, you need to buy Kandi a diamond necklace.

Wh-what?

You told me to cover for you.

I said you were out buying her jewelry.

That's all you could think of?

Well, I could think of a lot of things,

but only one made me laugh.

I can't afford to buy her jewelry.

I know.

That's what makes it funny.

* Men...

It must've been so expensive.

Yeah.

You do realize this entitles you to extra special bonus sex.

What is extra special bonus sex?

It's whatever you want it to be.

That sounds like fun.

( knocking at door )

Go away!

CHARLIE: Okay.

I'll just play Scrabble till you're ready.

Give me a sec.

Please don't tell me Francine is here.

Okay.

Wait, wait, wait!

Francine is here?

Yeah, you want me to cover for you?

Yes.

I'm on it.

Wait.

Charlie, I'm begging you, no more jewelry.

Don't worry, it's not funny twice.

Sorry, he must've gone out.

Oh, okay. Tell him I stopped by.

Francine, wait.

I can't do this.

Do what?

I'm not a good liar.

I know where he is, I'm just not supposed to tell you.

Well, the thing is,

Alan does a lot of charity work.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Right now, for instance, he's down at the nursing home

giving sponge baths to old people.

They don't go out a lot, so they tend to get dusty.

I had no idea.

In fact, just the other night,

he was down on Skid Row teaching salsa dancing to crack addicts.

Oh, my goodness.

They have the energy, they just lack the focus.

But I think... I think what he's proudest of

is his work with the kids.

He takes runaways who've been forced to live on the streets

and teaches them how to live in the woods.

I don't really see the point,

but those little urchins seem to thrive in the wild.

It's like he's a saint.

You must be so proud to have him as your brother.

Well, truth be told, he does bring me a lot of joy.

Thank you for telling me this, Charlie.

You're welcome.

Just promise me you won't embarrass him by bringing it up.

Oh, not a word.

I just hope I can be worthy of him.

( to himself ): And the plot moistens.

* Men...

Well, that's terrific, buddy.

I'm so proud of you.

Yeah, sure, I'll tell him.

All right, love ya.

Bye-bye.

Guess what?

Jake just got the lead in the school musical.

The lead?

What happened, did every other kid in school get mono?

No, I think it was Francine.

I think she cast Jake because of our relationship.

You mean it's gotten physical?

You're sleeping his way to the top?

No, no, nothing happened between us.

But I think she's fallen for me.

Really?

What makes you think that?

Well, I had lunch with her today and she was looking at me with,

I don't know, worship in her eyes...

like I was. some kind of...

Saint? Yes! Yes!

How'd you know?

Well, that's how I think of you.

Very funny. But look,

I've been doing my best not to lead her on,

but I guess I just underestimated my allure.

Say that again.

What?

That last part.

You mean... I underestimated my allure?

Yeah, that's it.

I'm sorry, am I missing something?

No, not a thing.

Well, good.

You see, Alan? That's how you lie.

* Men...

Pretty exciting, huh? Opening night.

Well, having seen the previews, I'm betting closing night, too.

Boy, this brings back memories.

Sixth grade was the happiest two years of my life.

Oh... it's the finger.

So, Kandi, what's your favorite musical?

The trombone.

I can't believe you brought her here.

I had to. Jake invited her.

Is that a diamond necklace?

You never gave me a diamond necklace.

Yeah, well, you never gave me extra special bonus sex.

Hi, Charlie.

Hi. Who's this?

This? Oh, this is Kandi.

Hi. I'm with Alan.

Oh, are you one of the young people he takes care of?

Yep, good old Saint Alan.

Just can't do enough for the kids.

Look at this diamond necklace he gave me.

He gave you a diamond necklace?

Don't get the wrong idea. It wasn't to get me to have sex.

Oh.

I was already doing everything he wanted.

I am as shocked as you are.

* Men...

* To fight the unbeatable foe

* To bear with unbearable sorrow *

* To run where the brave dare not go *

* This is my quest

( mouthing )

* To follow that star, no matter how hopeless *

* No matter how far

* And the world will be better for this *

* That one man, scorned and covered with scars... *

What was that about?

Funny story. I'll tell you later.

* To reach the unreachable staaaaaaarrrrrs! *