All language subtitles for The.Best.You.Can.2025.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-FHC_track8_[eng]

The age difference?
No, it's never an issue.

I mean, just to give you a sense
of things, I was in my 30s at the time.

I was a practicing physician.
I own my own condo.

I wasn't some flaky kid.

But then I met Warren.

And at 57, he was in his absolute prime.

He was handsome and vigorous

and doing important things

with the kind of wisdom and empathy

you only acquire
living in the world that long.

Warren was a man...

a fully evolved, remarkable man.

Okay. I'm back.

Did she bring the dessert menu?

Trust me, you have never in your life
tasted a crème brûlée

like the one they make here.

Unless you're in Paris, of course.

- No, not our table.
- It's not?

No, no, no.

- We're just sitting here.
- No, we weren't. Yeah.

- Here.
- Terribly sorry.

I went to the ladies room by mistake.
I guess I'm on a roll.

Deep breath.

No.

You didn't even give me a chance
to exhale. What the fuck?

What, are you having a smoke back there?
Pick up the pace.

Try to relax.

Yeah. I might have to wait
until your fist is out of my goddamn--

Enlarge prostate,
fairly common at your age.

Yeah. That way it takes me
a half hour to piss.

The gland is exerting pressure
in the urethra.

- Picture a garden hose being stepped on.
- I don't want to do that.

Just fix it, man. I'm begging you.

I do security patrol.
I'm in a car all night.

I gotta pee every second.
I'm going to people's bushes.

Urinating people's bushes?

What do I do? Vacation checks. It's fine.

Flomax. It should give you some relief,
but see a urologist.

At your age with these symptoms,

there's a significant risk
of prostate cancer.

Nice to meet you too.

I really like that Quinto fella at dinner.

It was very smart of you
to add them to your practice.

These African doctors,
they're really more empathetic.

That's been my experience.

You did mention that in the car,
sweetheart, but thank you.

That means a lot that you feel that way.
It really does.

There you are.

Where's that voicemail button?
They keep moving.

- Okay, you just took a screenshot.
- Trying to get this voicemail.

Let's just move it over here. Thanks.

Hey, it's Steve Lucas.

So, Warren, I finally heard back
from Leslie at Simon and Schuster.

Sorry to say she passed on the pitch.

They're just not looking
for Watergate stuff right now.

"Watergate stuff"?

It's goddamn history.

- This is monumental history.
- Sorry, honey.

I was assistant chief counsel
to the Senate committee, Cynthia.

We exposed the crimes
of a sitting president.

Are you telling me that that story
is not relevant today?

I'm not. No.

Worked hand in glove
with the great Sam Ervin.

On the Zoom, That Leslie character
didn't even know who he was.

Kept calling him Julius Erving.

God.

When did I fall off the edge of the earth?

FaceTime? For real, dad?

You don't return a goddamn voicemail.

- Oh, God. Yeah.
- Glad to see you're alive. Somewhat.

- Is it morning or afternoon?
- Try again.

- That explains the darkness.
- Sammi, what are you doing?

Are you singing at all?
Open mic nights. Anything?

I've been writing, mostly, but...

I've gotta go, Dad.

I'm starting to feel sick
from whatever I did last night.

Okay. Come over tomorrow.
I'll get Chinese from next door.

You love the boiled squid, right?

Oh, God.

Such a delicate flower.

Oh, come on, Mr. Prostate. Come on.

Oh, Christ on a bike.

BPSP, Officer Olszewski speaking.

Hey. Yeah. We live across
from the Rand house, 228 Lawrence.

My wife said she just saw some guy
hop the side gate.

I don't know,
you might wanna go check that out.

On my way, sir.

Mother of ass.

You reached Warren Rand.
I'm not available right now.

Fuck.

Warren.

There's someone in the house. Warren.

Man, do I have to pee?

Get out! Get out! I have a gun.

- BPSP. BPSP.
- BPSP? What are you saying?

- Brooklyn Private Security Patrol.
- The alarm company?

No. Private security. Ex-cops.
You pay for it monthly.

Oh, right. God, I forgot.

We signed up for that, like,
three years ago.

It's on auto pay, so I don't...

- Why didn't you announce yourself?
- I was about to when you--

- You had an intruder.
- I know.

I don't walk around with lamp all night.

He fled, but I need to check the house.
Can you wait here with the dog, please?

Anything in there?

- No.
- Oh, okay.

So, what happened?
You think he came in through that window?

Ma'am, can you please wait there?

Could you take your shoes off?

- What?
- Wear shoes off of housing.

Okay. Yeah, sure. Sorry.

Oh, my God,
and I just realized something.

The alarm didn't go off.

- Not set.
- Not even set.

My husband always sets the alarm.
Always. He never forgets.

- He forgot.
- He did.

Yes, he did.
And I didn't even think to check.

Know when you're not
in the habit of doing something every day?

Brushing your teeth?
You're not gonna forget that.

But setting an alarm is...

Wow, you know, they say that
you feel violated when you get robbed.

I think I feel that way,
but it's also recent.

I haven't had a chance to process it.

- Is this your room?
- Yeah.

- Is he usually such a sound sleeper?
- Yes.

He's older than me. Than most people.

Ma'am, this is very unprofessional,
but I need to urinate immediately.

- May I use your bathroom? Thank you.
- Of course. Powder room is downstairs.

Yep.

Hey, I just remembered something.

A young guy rang our doorbell,
like, a week ago,

raising money for a school basketball
team, but it sounded kind of fake.

He kept forgetting the name of the school.
Could that have been him casing us?

- Do you have a video?
- A video? Did I take a video of him?

That would be weird.

- I meant, do you have a doorbell camera?
- Oh, no.

Everybody has those now.

Would that have taken a video?
How does that work, exactly?

Ma'am, I'm terribly sorry.
I've been having some difficulty lately.

- Would you mind very much not...?
- Not what?

- Speaking.
- Oh, sorry.

Of course.

- Have you seen a urologist?
- Not yet.

I'm a urologist, that's what I do.

I'm at Riverview in Manhattan.
Call the office tomorrow.

- I'll get you in right away.
- Okay.

Doctor Cynthia Rand.
But don't go through the main desk.

As for my personal scheduler, Yolanda,
she can be a--

- Ma'am.
- Sorry.

I'm gonna put my card in your shoe.

Oh, God.

Oh, Lieutenant Murphy.

All's well on deck tonight, sir.

She's like a lake.

Great. Okay, if everything's good, then...

- Yeah. So, I'll send my report.
- Great. That's fine. Fine.

- You know, don't get your hopes up.
- No, I get-- Yep, yep. Got it.

I understood. Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Good night.

The receipt is in your bag, sir.
Have a nice day.

Hey, copper. The only register open,
so you can't avoid me.

- How you doing?
- You know, just crushing it.

How about you?
How's the crime fighting going?

Lady beat the shit out of me
with the lamp, but otherwise, fine.

Look, CJ. I'm really sorry.

I know I said I would call you after...

- We fucked?
- Come on. Hey.

Oh, come on.

It's okay. Just missed you is all.

Hey, are you down for a little,
morning sex?

You want a sex with me? Seriously?

Yeah. Why not? I have a break at 8:30.

I mean, you were just going to go home
and jerk off anyhow, right? To me?

- Sure. Now.
- Well, then that's that.

- What do you want with me, anyhow?
- I don't know.

You got this hot old guy thing going,
and it turns me on.

And the big pistol?

Yes, please.

Eight-thirty.

You're the boss.

Sharp six UroMax dilator, please.
Thank you.

I need some suction, Javier.

I heard you were robbed last night,
Dr. Rand.

Not a big deal. No one was hurt.
Nothing even stolen.

I need a sponge, please.

I see a man about a horse.

It's me, shit-for-brains. Disgusting.

Oh, my little candies.

- So did Warren scare him off?
- Stop asking, please.

All right, now you own
half a cinder block.

It'll make a nice weekend getaway.
Come on, we gotta go.

Well done, folks. Thank you.

Eight-fifteen? Shit! I have a meeting.

Okay, okay.

- Is he on?
- He's on.

Hi. Hi. Hi, Doug.

- Cynthia.
- Hey, there.

Hey. Look at you. A sight for sore eyes.

- How you been?
- Good. Good.

Sorry. I'm disheveled.
I just got out of surgery.

You look beautiful, even in scrubs.

Yeah, especially in scrubs. They augment.

Okay.

What's up? What's going on?

Doug, you remember my husband, Warren?

Yeah, the great Warren Rand. Of course.

At the moment, he's possibly entering
a phase of mild cognitive decline,

so I thought I'd reach out to you,

expert of experts, to get a sense
of what exactly is going on.

- How old is he now?
- Eighty-three.

Jesus.

- He's in great health.
- You mean other than the dementia?

Dementia? Whoa.
That's a big word to throw around.

I haven't even told you
the specifics of...

Memory loss?

Well, a little, yeah, but I have that too.

This morning, I couldn't remember
the name of one of the Charlie's Angels.

- The one Kate Jackson played.
- There you go.

- Special agent...?
- Yeah. Couldn't help you.

So, what else
would you consider a sign of...

dementia?

Easily agitated.

Well, he's always been a feisty guy,
but maybe more now. Yeah.

- Disoriented at times.
- Yes.

Actually, last night--

Sabrina Duncan.
Special agent Sabrina Duncan.

That would have bothered me all day.

...we do, baby without us

What would we do, baby
Without us

And there ain't no nothing
We can't help each other through

What would we do
Baby, without us

Oh, come on.

Flake.

Sha-la-la...

Oh, fuck it.

Move.

Hello, Elise.

Get lost.

So just lay it out for me, Doug. Okay?
The next five years of my life?

At some point, he will need full time care
at home or a facility.

No. At home. I mean,
the man stays in his home.

Yeah, that may or may not be
the best way to go.

At a facility, he can socialize,
do the different activities.

You can get on with your life.

I don't want to get on with my life.
My God, he's my husband.

You seem so shocked at this.
You didn't expect this at all?

No, no. I mean,
he was a lion when I met him.

He ran five miles a day.
He didn't seem like the dementia type.

Still with the big age difference,
you didn't think in 20 or 30 years...

I wasn't doing the math!

Oh, boy.

Warren?

- Warren, honey, where are you?
- In my study.

Oh, hello, darling.

- How was it?
- Listen.

You're gonna write immediately.

Screw the big publishers.
They just do celebrity crap anyway.

I've told you, I'm not self-publishing.
It's demeaning.

Don't worry about that part.
You just need to start working.

Writing every day.

I'm even going to get you
a research assistant.

I mean, I am-- I did. I already did.

This is Henry.

Brilliant, third year PhD student
of American...

- History.
- History.

Mr. Rand, it's such an honor.

I'm writing my doctoral thesis
right now on the Nixon administration.

- Yeah. Later.
- Can I just--?

- Later. Later.
- Tell him about the thesis.

What's gotten into you?

I love you so much, Warren. So much.

Please. Please trust me.

You just have to get that fantastic mind
of yours working again

and write the book.

Now write the book. I'm begging you.

I beg you. I beg you.

Doesn't matter how good you are,
you got to be inside the clubs

- playing live six, seven nights a week...
- Stop eating so fast.

...playing your own stuff.

- Singing backup. Watching, learning.
- Can you at least swallow?

You're 45 minutes late.
I gotta get to work.

I did an open mic a few weeks ago.

Oh, well, why didn't you say so?

Because it was degrading, dad.

The owner was putting off this vibe
the whole time.

Like you don't exist anymore.
Bitch, we own you now.

And I so badly wanted to say
you will never own me, asshole.

But I couldn't say that.

- Because he didn't say the first part?
- No, because I really wanted the spot.

And I had to grovel to some
slimy fuckhead to get it.

Oh, well, why didn't you just show him
your golden ticket to the stars?

Why do you have to diminish me?

Well, stop saying stupid shit
and I won't diminish you.

Come on, Sammi.
All of these guys are slimy fuckheads.

That is a given.

You are so goddamn good.

Show them.

Show them. What are you so scared of?

What is this?

Nothing you would be interested in
unless you got a high from peeing fast.

- Which at this point, I think I might.
- Seriously, why are you taking these?

- My prostate is enlarged.
- From what?

From eating pastrami.
How the hell should I know?

I got the name of a urologist.
I'll go when I got time.

You need to make time.
Prostate cancer is very dangerous.

I'm aware of the cancer is dangerous,
thank you.

And maybe before you lecture me,
you start taking care of yourself, huh?

I am not on drugs, dad. I do drugs.
There's a difference.

I knew this was such a stupid idea.

No. Wait, wait, whoa! Hey, wait.
Where are you going?

And I'm not fucking scared.

I don't know
why you say those things to me.

Take your dog.

Fuck!

Mr. Olszewski?

I gotta tell you, I'm impressed.
Nurse takes my fluids.

15 minutes later,
you're looking at the results.

It's a nifty operation you got here.

So these tests,
would they say if I had one?

I mean, would they tell you
if it was like a candy?

- What?
- What?

It's your birthday.

- What about it?
- It's same as mine.

December 24th. Same year too.

- Which we will not mention, but wow.
- Okay.

This is so crazy.

When you were a kid, did you
get cheated out of Christmas presents,

because your birthday was so close?

One year I got a Barbie Dreamhouse
for both, combined. That was it.

- Do I have cancer?
- Oh, sorry.

These tests can't tell me that.
But let's not jump ahead.

I'll examine you first, and then we'll
talk about everything in my office.

Is that normal?
I mean, for a female doctor to--

Male gynecologist, treat women right?

- You go to a male gynecologist?
- No.

Right here.

Hey, you know what it's called
when two people are born on the same day?

"Kin-essence." Fun fact.

This story, your discovery
of Nixon's taping system.

Hugely important addition
to the historical record.

So cool that you finally decided
to write a book.

I've never had the time.

Now, nothing but.

Okay. I'm ready. Let's talk about
the monumental events of June 1973.

June 23rd. John Dean testifies
in front of your committee

implicating Haldeman, Mitchell,

and, of course, Nixon
in a conspiracy to obstruct justice.

Oh, it was beautiful, as was Dean's wife.

Very attractive woman.

Right. And then a couple of weeks later,
Nixon's attorney, Fred Buzhardt,

sends a letter to your committee,
which I printed it out for you.

So, what was your reaction
to seeing this letter on that fateful day?

Tell me what came next in the room
where it happened?

This letter is a cataclysm.

He accuses Dean of perjury,
insists he was outright lying

about what was said
at those Oval Office meetings.

He goes on to provide detailed accounts
of those meetings,

which contradict Dean's version
with quotes.

Verbatim quotes from those meetings.

Where did these quotes come from, Henry?

The one of Nixon's thugs scribbled down
every word like some steno girl?

I think not. Don't you see?

Buzhardt gives away
the entire game right here.

The meetings were taped, Henry.
There were tapes.

Oh, where are you going?

To see Sam Ervin at the Capitol.
We have subpoenas to issue.

Okay. But that's my jacket, actually.

Okay. You have a pretty angry prostatitis
going on bacterial infection.

Maybe it's the whole story, maybe not.

Won't know until it's gone.

I'm giving you a super duper antibiotic.
Start tonight please.

- Stay on the Flomax.
- Okay.

And come back and see me in a month.

Okay, but say I'm feeling great
in the month. Do I have to come back?

- Do you have to come back?
- Yeah. I mean,

say I'm peeing gangbusters,
like I'm 16 again, like...

That's not gonna happen.
And yes, you have to come back.

Let's do this right, Mister Ols...

- Zuski?
- Olszewski.

Yeah. See, the thing is,
is that my insurance

doesn't really travel
to Fancy Town, you know?

I was going to pay cash today,
but I can't afford to keep coming back.

- I can't.
- Oh, okay.

Let's do a friends and family rate.

Just the base co-pay. Does that work?

- What? No. That's like charity.
- Oh, please.

My husband and I might not be alive
right now if it wasn't for you,

Officer Olshansky.

- No, that's Irish.
- Yeah. Look, I appreciate it, but...

Let me help you with this, Stan, okay?

Let me help you.

- Okay.
- Good.

- Thank you.
- Good.

- I'll see you in a month.
- Yeah. And I work nights.

You got my cell.

So if anything's got you squirrely.
Strange noise, drunk kids on motorbikes.

Shoot me a text,
I will zip right over and check it out.

- That's so nice. Thank you.
- It's my job.

Left and a left.

Henry. I thought you were leaving at 4?

I know, I know. I just...

Mr. Rand, your husband, he got confused.

He left the house.

- To go where?
- Washington, D.C.

The nation's capital.

- Is he there now?
- No, no. I got him back inside.

I pretended to be Sam Irvin.

And that worked?

I actually do a very good impression.

"Warren, let's do
our lawyer work in here."

Sorry. Listen, I think you might need--

But I don't wanna say this
the wrong way, but, like a nurse?

Or not a nurse, but like an attendant?

You're definitely saying it the wrong way.

- Sorry.
- It's fine. It's fine.

I know this must be hard, so I'll go.

You can just Venmo me.

We'll figure something out.

Hey, it's Sammi. Don't leave a message.
That's lame.

I guess I'm lame.

Hope you're good, Sam.

I love you.

Warren, have you noticed this beat up car
right in front?

Old Cutlass.

My secretary at the firm
used to drive one of those.

A Melody something or other.

It's been sitting in front of our house
for two days.

Melinda something or other.
Melinda. That's it. Yeah.

- Don't worry, I'll set the alarm.
- No, I set it.

I set the shit out of it.

Oh, squarely?

Oh, squirty?

Oh, it's worse.

What the hell?

So...

So, what do you think?

Someone abandoned their car
in front of my house?

That would really creep me out. It's like
finding a dead body or something.

- He's an Uber driver.
- How do you know?

Receipt from a rideshare place
on the seat.

He leaves his regular car here,
takes a bus down to Bay Ridge.

Rent an Escalade or whatever.

Why does he park here?

If he's working a couple of days straight,
he knows that around here,

he's less likely to get a ticket
or get jacked.

People drive Ubers for two days straight?

Yeah, if they got another job,
the other five? Sure.

- It's rough out there.
- Wow, now I feel bad for calling you.

No. No, it's definitely worth
checking out.

That's why they pay me the big bucks.

- And get that doorbell camera.
- Oh, right. Yeah.

Sorry. How do I even--?
Who installs those?

Me. I'll text you which one to get.

You let me know when it comes
and I'll hook her up.

Really? Thanks.

You'll be in good shape with that.
Plus a loud dog.

Oh, yeah. Dodger. He's the best.

Dodger.

- Nice name.
- Thank you. Thank you.

- Do you have a dog?
- Me?

- Sort of, I guess.
- Sort of?

Yeah. My kid rescued a mutt,
left it with me one day.

Won't take it back,
so I guess I have a dog.

It's good that you do. It's important.

Whenever I'm sad or upset,
Dodger ambles over

and he plops down in my lap
and soothes me.

He really, really soothes me.

- Does yours?
- Not at all.

He paces. Whines.

Pretty sure he'd smoke cigarettes
if he could.

Oh, poor thing. Was he abused?

I hope so. Otherwise,
he's got no excuse for that shit.

Oh, watch out.

Anyway, so I'm freezing.

- Yeah, go, go. Go inside.
- Yes, I will.

Thank you. You're very good at your job.

Hey, right back at you, doc.

You take care of me,
I'll take care of you.

- Oh, sounds like a win-win relationship.
- My first ever.

- Good night.
- Good night.

So, Pramila, it's the basic stuff
I'm sure you've done before.

Getting him his meals
and taking him for walks.

Okay.

Also, I don't really want him
driving anymore.

So, you know, taking him to the doctor
and running errands.

Okay.

And also, this is a little
off the beaten trail.

I need you to pretend you're a PhD student
in American history.

Okay.

You're to help him write a book about
the 1973 Senate Watergate hearings.

Okay.

He's not delusional or anything.
I mean, he was there.

Assistant Chief Counsel.

Taught it to law schools too,
he was a big deal.

I googled him. Yeah.

And I get it.

Right now, we're supporting the transition
that he's going through.

Yes. That's...

Yes.

Funny story, I once took care of a woman
and had to pretend I was her husband.

And her husband was alive
and in the room quite a bit.

So you can imagine.

I can't at all. No.

Yeah. Doorbell camera.

Cyn, coming up?

- You're missing John Oliver.
- I'll be right up.

So you're a night shift guy.

I had to do that for a year
when I was a resident. You like it?

I do. Sometimes I go two or three days
without talking to another human.

That's special.

I never had that luxury in the ER.

When someone walks in
with a knife in their neck,

you pretty much have
to have a conversation.

Oh, one-sided, I'm guessing.

Cynthia, what's taking so long?

I'm making tea.

I'll have a cup too.

The wind, it's cold and absurd

But, man, you gave her your word

And meanwhile the house is empty

- Wow, what a talent.
- Yeah, she blew the roof off that place.

But they gave first prize
to some dipshit baton twirler.

- I'm still pissed.
- No, seriously, Stan.

- She's unique. So gorgeous.
- Like her mom.

Luckily, I didn't pollute
the gene pool too much.

- She wanna sing professionally?
- Yeah, but nothing yet.

Blames the world. Mostly me.

I'm around a lot of young people at work.

- They can be touchy.
- Thank you.

They think all standard bullshit in life
is an insult to them personally.

My parents accepted no finger pointing.
If I failed at something, it was on me.

Luckily, I never did.

Well, I failed all the time
and I didn't get the point.

Shit. Life's tough, kids. Suck it up.

Jeez, I'm glad
no one else is reading this.

A mob of 20-somethings
would be pounding down our door.

Waving torches and demanding
to charge their cell phones.

So you said Sammi blames you?

For what, if I may ask?

Shit.

Oh, God.

- Give me some bubbles.
- Cynthia.

Right up.

Lorna Doone with my tea, please.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, we can't take Canadian money.

- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Order something.

Yeah. Give me a half-caf grande--
Venti coffiato.

So I showed your tape
to this lady last night.

Really cool, educated lady.
She was blown away.

- Was she an agent? A booker?
- Urologist.

But her reaction got me jazzed
so I started asking around at work,

and I found a drummer on the side,

and he gave me the name of three clubs
that he says are well run quality owners.

No bullshit or less bullshit. Anyway...

Come on, kid. Push.

It's out there.

And room for cream on the bottom.

Shame about that first young fellow
was helping me write.

Emergency neck surgery?
Sounds like no fun.

- Oh, gee. Ouch.
- You didn't know?

I thought you were both
in the same PhD program?

We are.

But we don't have a lot of classes
together. Just a gym.

We were looking at the Buzhardt letter.

We can't seem to find it right now.
I'm drowning in all this crap here.

We exposed the crimes
of a sitting president.

What the hell is this?

Gas bill.

- Warren?
- Oh, come on.

What is this picture?

Oh, that's the 59th Millrose Games
at Madison Square Garden.

Yours truly, second from the left.

Wow, amazing.

- Remember it well?
- I can still smell that place.

Smelled like elephant shit.
The circus was in town at the Garden.

Tell me what else you remember.

I never run on a wooden track before.

Oh, the sound of it. Wow, like explosions.

Twelve of us striking those boards...

Like tribal drum music.

And the final 200,

that drumbeat turned
into a goddamn frenzy.

- What were you feeling?
- Pain.

Goddamn agony.

Legs cramping, lungs burning.

Well, that's the whole raison d'être
of distance racing, you see.

Deplete the body...

and then see what you can do
on sheer will.

So, what happened?

- Got any kids?
- As in sprung from my loins?

No, but I do have a stepdaughter
named Rosemary.

- Are you close?
- It's been a tricky relationship.

I'm only 12 years older.
Plus, she hates my guts.

For marrying daddy?

For marrying daddy,
for moving into her childhood home.

Which was not my choice, by the way.

It was supposed to be only a few months
while we house hunted.

It's now been 300 months.

As long as we're on the messy stuff,
wanna tell me about your ex-wife?

Moody. Paranoid.
Poorly suited to relationships.

Same as me.
That means we couldn't make it work.

- Still in touch with her?
- Only by voodoo doll.

- Remember now?
- Vaguely.

- She played identical twins, right?
- Cousins. Identical cousins.

Good God, man, listen to the lyrics.

Different as night and day. Got it.

No. You have to understand,
this show rocked my world.

I was raised to be like Cathy.
Very proper and conventional.

But inside, I felt like Patty.
Just a kook, you know?

So they ever make out?

Tooter Turtle?

Tooter was a maniac.
Always wanted to do dangerous shit.

Be a gladiator, a paratrooper,
a bullfighter.

So he'd go to his friend,
Mr. Wizard, and say,

"Make me a bullfighter."

Mr. Wizard would do a magic chant
and bam Tooter's a bullfighter.

He's in the ring.

He's got the whole outfit.
Doing great. Crowd loves him.

But then, everything starts unraveling.

He's about to get the shit
kicked out of him.

He screams, "Help me, Mr. Wizard!
I don't wanna be a bullfighter."

So, Mr. Wizard does another chant,
"Drizzle, drazzle, druzzle, drone.

Time for this one to come home."

And he yanks Tooter out of trouble
at the last possible second.

The same thing every episode.

Stupid decision turns to shit,
saved by Mr. Wizard.

Exactly like my own life.

Except no Mr. Wizard.

Ever want to have your own kids?
You ever tried?

Deep down, I never wanted children.

But I thought that was
a shameful character flaw

- I had to hide from the world.
- I got a few of those.

So I did get pregnant,
basically to please my mother.

But then I miscarried and needed
an emergency hysterectomy.

- So it all worked out.
- Kind of. Yeah.

Sammi was 12 when the marriage blew up.
It was a rough time.

I went west.
I didn't see her for two years.

- Two years?
- I know. I fucked up.

- You didn't need to use all caps.
- Sorry.

So have you two talked about it
since then?

- No.
- No?

- Stop with the caps, please.
- Sorry.

- What do you mean, ever?
- Yeah.

- Scotch? Airplane glue?
- Valium.

- Quaaludes.
- Wellbutrin.

- White wine. Klonopin.
- Xanax.

- Lexapro. Zoloft.
- Prozac.

Truckloads of weed.

Lately, a lot of Advil.

- Who was your favorite Beatle?
- Pete Best.

- Oh, my God.
- Pathetic, huh?

You are hot.

You're looking at one angry,
self-destructive misfit right there.

Well, you rocked angry
and self-destructive,

let me tell you, wow.

- Send me yours.
- What? My mug shot?

Whatever, the high school picture
or something. Fair is fair.

No, not fair at all.

I'm sorry, but I was not
what you would call a pretty girl.

Well, you're pretty now,
so you must have been somewhat.

Well, whatever I had then
was totally mismanaged.

You remember that song...?

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?
"Lady Marmalade"?

I used to stand in front of the mirror
and do the bump with myself.

That was a Saturday night.

Still waiting on that photo.

All right.

Nice knowing you.

- Did it come through?
- Yes.

Okay. This is humiliating. I'm hanging up.

Sorry, wow.

You look very smart.

- Hanging up.
- No, no, no. It...

Look, I definitely would have
sought you out.

What, to do your homework?

- I don't give a fuck about that.
- What then, to date?

You were into geeky smart girls,
like a fetish?

There was one.

Rhonda Melnick, Cantor's daughter,
struggled with her weight.

Had a nice thing for a while.

Talk on the phone after her parents
had gone to sleep

about all kinds of shit.

Books, movies.

I remember we both loved Raymond Carver.

She was the first person
to ever call me intelligent.

You're very intelligent, Stanley.

Hey, you're the second.

Thanks, Cynthia.
Coming from you, that means a lot.

So how did the thing with
the Cantor's daughter finally end?

Abruptly.

One day, her dad walked in on us
in his study.

Having sex?

The variety usually referred to
with a two digit number,

draped in his prayer shawl.

Oh, my God.

That was a time when I really
could have used Mr. Wizard.

Okay, wait. This thing is
instead of our old doorbell?

- Are you very attached to your doorbell?
- I hated it, actually.

How goes it?

Pretty much done, Mr. Rand.

- Oh, remind me your name, please, son?
- Olszewski. Stan Olszewski.

How many Polacks does it take
to screw in a light bulb?

Polack joke.

One to hold the bulb
and two to turn the ladder.

- I love that one.
- He knows.

What do we owe you for your fine service,
Mr. Olszewski?

Oh, no. No. Nothing.

It's good to do a little work
in the fresh air.

Well then, Cynthia.

Sounds like we need to buy this man
a steak dinner.

- How's Thursday night?
- No, no, no.

- You don't have to do that.
- No, indeed we do.

And bring the missus.

- Not married.
- Well, then bring your best girl.

God knows you don't want to stare
at the two of us the whole time.

Let's make a night of it.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Pretty cool, right?

Yes. I've been on it for two hours.
This thing is addictive.

Watched a family on bikes
screaming at each other.

Little girl threw her helmet.
Wildly entertaining.

And you can rewatch it any time.

Hey, are you sure you're okay
doing that dinner Thursday?

I know Warren put you on the spot.

Big old steak? Hell, yes I'm okay.

Oh, my!

- There was a name I gave him?
- Oh, yeah.

- No, you did, you did.
- Yeah.

- Just a little... A little bit late.
- I need the address.

No. It's fine.

Hey.

So sorry we're late.

Warren, Cynthia, this is CJ.

- Hi. It's so nice to meet you both.
- Hi, CJ.

What was the name? Seejay? Indian?

No. Like CJ, the letters. The initials.

Oh, like Y.A. Tittle.

I don't know what you just said.

- New York Giants, great quarterback.
- He knows.

Yes. Still random.

- Sit, sit.
- How about we get some drinks going?

- I feel like we're behind.
- Waiter.

Bottom-line, handcuffed to a drainpipe

is not the way that I wanted
to lose my virginity.

No. Why would you?

My first time was in a Newport
News whorehouse.

And the prostitute told me
I reminded her of her grandson.

That's a home run right there.
All right, Ceej?

Well, I lost mine at 15
to my 13-year-old cousin.

And as you might imagine, it was magical.

Cynthia?

Okay. I was 22.

I was with my boyfriend, a med school
classmate in his dorm room.

You really must learn to embellish,
Cynthia.

It's what happened.
He lit a candle. That helped.

Well, kids, if you'll excuse me,
I have to use the little boys room.

Such is my curse these days. Excuse me.

So fucking sexy.

Rugged. A man's man.

That's a mermaid.

Well, actually, I identify as a mermaid.

Okay, fine.

- Oh, you're still waiting.
- Yeah.

I was going to use this one,
but a tiny female pulled rank.

Usually single toilets are for anybody
these days.

Well, I guess some places still adhere
to the traditional belief

that men are disgusting.

- So CJ, she seems great.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Fun, lively and very mature,

considering her brief number
of years on this earth.

- Which is what? Thirty--?
- Early.

Oh, still in her 20s.

Yeah, you know what I say. So what? So...

So what?

Honestly, the main thing.

I'm just happy to find out
you're not lonely after all.

Lonely? No.

I mean, you said you were lonely
in a text, like a week or two.

Hey, whatever.
Point is, you're not lonely.

And that is fantastic.

You two are speaking very loudly.

Come on.

Hey, this is just like
the night we met, remember?

Stop speaking. Please.

Eventually, we pieced together all the
evidence and made an irrefutable case

that Nixon had violated his oath of office
and the trust of a nation.

- Well, then what happened?
- He resigned.

No fucking way.

- Can I just say one thing?
- Nope.

I find it very odd that after having
shared many personal things

with each other over the past few weeks,
like my menopause issues,

I would have hoped we'd developed
a degree of trust and mutuality.

And yet somehow
you never thought to mention...

Stop talking!

You do have a tattoo baby girlfriend!

Holy shit. She's not my girlfriend.

We're just having a good time.
It's not a serious thing.

Oh, you might wanna tell her that.

Tell her what?
If she wants to get married?

You think she wants to be wiping
oatmeal out of my beard in 20 years?

She's not doing the math.

Can I please take a goddamn whiz?

Who's stopping you?

You know what I think?
I think you're not really mad at me.

I think you're mad at yourself.

Fascinating, thank you, Dr. Young.

Because when you were her age,
you had the exact same daddy issues.

Yes, I know what you meant.
Totally different situation.

But while we're on the subject
of unconscious motivation,

maybe you should examine why you
completely avoided the CJ topic with me.

Think about that and get back to me.

Now go resume your
4-hour attempt to urinate.

- That is a very unprofessional comment.
- Too bad I'm off the clock.

Doctora, Mr. Ostrovsky on line one.

- Really?
- Yes. You wanna take it?

Sure.

- Hello?
- So?

Okay.

For starters, I had too much to drink.

That needs to be factored in
because honestly, I think it's fine.

You can date whoever the hell you--

I was just taken aback by her youngness.

Just called for my lab results.

Told you to call today. I did.

- I have it right here. Need it?
- Oh, Yolanda.

Still on the line? No, thanks, I got it.

Okay. PSA, six, better.

- Not great, but better, stay the course.
- Thank you.

Okay. That was fucking funny.

I'm the new, newest little fish
In the big blue sea

Everybody's talking
And they're looking at me saying

What you gonna do with your life?

You know, you gotta do it soon
And you gotta do it right

Well, I get what they want

I understand

- You hate it. Do you think it's corny?
- No, no, no, it's cool.

I just wonder, maybe you might try
with just a little bit more tempo.

Give it kind of like a groove.
Almost like a like a...

Really?

- Let me try it higher.
- Try it, try it, try it.

Yeah.

I'm the newest little fish
In the big blue sea

Everybody's talking
And they're looking at me saying

What you gonna do with your life?

You know, you gotta do it soon
And you gotta do it, right

Well, I get what they want...

No.

Well, I get it, I got it
I understand

You can't screw up

'Cause you got one chance
Supposed to get a job

And then follow the plan

But then how in the heck
Could I be who I am?

From the chorus.

And I'ma be all right
I'ma be okay

I'm gonna make it happen either way

So it doesn't really matter
What you think or say

'Cause I'm gonna B-E-L-I-E-V-A

- Well?
- Yeah.

It's great.
It's weird, but in a good way. Like you.

It's you. It's great.

Oh, I'm fucking terrified.

But, you know, I'm gonna make a demo
and send it around and...

Yeah. Okay.

Shit, I gotta go.

Thanks, daddy.

- Hey, Sam. Can I talk to you for a second?
- What?

Yeah. It's not a big deal or anything.
You know, I just wanted to say that...

What? I gotta go.

I made a big mistake, Sammi.

Going to Colorado.

I mean, I should have stayed here for you
no matter what else was.

But, you know, I gave into
my own stupid, hurt feelings,

and I hurt you in the process.

I mean, you're the only person
in the world...

Oh, fuck.

I'm sorry. I love you.

It's a great song.

- Cynthia.
- Rosemary.

- Right here.
- Oh! I didn't see you there.

Where's the turkey baster?

When I was a kid,
it was always in this drawer.

Oh, shoot. I don't think we have one.

Don't worry, it's fine.
Luckily, I packed one.

Yeah. Yes, yes, yes.

- Green Bay is about to score.
- I had no idea you were a Packers fan.

Well I'm not. I'm a fan of making
the 40-point over, so it's so close.

Listen, you can watch in Warren's study
if you wanted to.

Yeah. No. That's okay.

Rosemary wants me to be here so I can,
you know, socialize.

Goddamn, you catch that ball!

- Grandpa, wanna play checkers?
- Sure I do.

- How do you play?
- Mom?

Grandpa forgot how to play checkers.

Maxwell. Grandpa didn't forget.
He's just a little tired right now.

Maybe Grandma Cynthia wants to play.

Oh, no.

Come on, come on, come on.

Will you join your children, please?

Yes, yes.

Oh, it's so good to see you, Popsie.

We're moving to Cleveland soon
for Rob's new job, remember?

- We'll be closer.
- I wanna stay in Phoenix.

How? Cleveland's beautiful.
We looked at the picture of the big lake.

- I hate lakes.
- Nobody hates lakes.

- Dad.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Last second field goal.

It...

Fuck me with the crowbar.

Boy, oh, boy. Cynthia.

My dad has slid so far since last time.

- Yes, he has.
- He's like a different person.

I hate not being nearby.

When you guys are settled in Cleveland,
you know, just a quick flight away, right?

I mean, you could--

Are you okay?

We were sitting in the kitchen.

He asked me,
when is your mother getting here?

He thought she was alive.

Oh, that's hard. What did you say?

I said 4:30.

You gave him a time?

I know, I guess I got lost
in the fantasy too.

The three of us were together again.

Okay.

Look, I wanted to talk to you about...

how best to handle his situation
going forward.

Sure.
I mean, things are stable at the moment.

I've got Pramila here every day.
He adores her.

I think he should be in Cleveland.

What?

There's a wonderful facility ten minutes
from our new house called The Arbors.

I went there
for my friend's mother's 90th.

- I loved it. They had a pinata.
- Okay, wait a minute.

What are you even saying? Cleveland.

Cynthia, this makes sense.
If he declines, he'll need family around.

Don't you agree?

Well, I'd like to think of myself
as family.

You have him with a stranger all day.
You just said it yourself.

I work, I have a job.

Well, that's exactly why this makes sense.

I can be with him every day
because I don't work

- and the boys can visit him after school.
- They're not gonna do that.

- You can fly out on the weekend.
- Rosemary.

We're not going anywhere right now.

I need to think this through.
I see how things develop.

Of course, this is just
for when the time comes.

Although we do need to visit the place
right away to get on the waiting list.

So I've arranged a tour
a week from Saturday.

Just so we're ready when the time comes.

- But wouldn't the time--
- Stop saying that.

- Hey. What's up?
- Hey.

So I maybe have a gig at one of those
places that your friend told you about.

- Baby! That's fantastic.
- Yeah. Maybe. Maybe.

I don't know. I sent the owner my demo,
and he liked it,

and he said he wanted to meet me and...

Oh, can you come down here?

One, two, three, four.

Hey!

We used to sing

Now we speak in tongues

We only drink

To wash down the drugs

We were born to melt down

Natural therapy

We were born to melt down

That's just how we're meant to be

- You the daddy.
- I am.

Hi, daddy.

You're daughter here...

Thank you. I assume that's a compliment.

Hi.

Thursday night, a good crowd for her.
Two sets, 200.

Sounds great. Right, Sam?

There's no stage, no riser.

- I got no riser.
- Yeah, I think a lot of clubs don't.

There should be a riser.

Not just for proper staging,
but out of respect for the artist.

I mean, the people are right there.

- Dad, look.
- Hey.

- Can you get a riser?
- No. Is she gonna do it?

Yes. She'll do it.
Just put all the smart people up front.

This guy got jokes.

Sammi. Sammi.

Fatherhood! Life's greatest adventure.

Are you serious?

Are you really gonna walk away
from this over a fucking riser?

I don't feel comfortable
singing from the floor. I can't help it.

Don't fight it. Face your fears.
That's how you get better.

I don't need you to tell me that.
That's not what I need from you.

You know, you jumped this emotionally
manipulative bullshit on me.

You're so sorry that you vanished
for two fucking years.

But you don't mean it.

If you meant it, you would support me
at least one goddamn time.

What? When you sabotage yourself,
would you bail?

Because something rubs up against
your way-too-sensitive feelings again?

- Yes.
- No, no, no!

I can't support that.

That's what I do. And look what happens.

Here's where that ends up, okay?

I'm nowhere. I'm nothing.

You're my father. At least be that.

Shit!

- Yeah. DeShawn.
- I'm stretched in here, brother. For real.

- Where the fuck are you?
- Yeah. I'll--

Hang on, hang on.

Sammi!

Are you kidding me?

What do you want me to say?
Howell has the flu.

Got Maxwell sneezing.
I can't leave sick children with just Rob.

Why didn't you tell me sooner, Rosemary?
We could have rescheduled.

What's the difference?
I've been to The Arbors. I love it.

You're the one who has to be satisfied.

Rosemary.

Honestly, Cynthia,
this is a blessing in disguise.

Seeing it alone
will give you a chance to really--

Okay. Stop, stop!

You've won the most passive-aggressive
person on Earth award. Move on.

God! Are you kidding me? Ridiculous.

What now?

Rosemary's not coming.
Her stupid kids are sick.

And now I'm in Cleveland and I have
to go to that place by myself tomorrow.

This is bullshit. I want my dog.

Pramila took Warren to the movies.
Just put the mail in the planter.

Thanks.

God.

Good morning. Do you need a taxi?

No, thank you. I ordered an Uber. Thanks.

I don't even know what to say.

- But you did this, drove all night.
- I drive all night every night.

I just went in a straight line this time.

Crazy.

Capacity is 175.
We're at about 150 right now.

This part of our facility is dedicated
to our assisted living residents.

Seniors that may need some minimal care
but are essentially self-sufficient.

- Very nice.
- Hi, Diane.

Oh, hello.

This is our Memory Care Neighborhood.
This is where your husband would reside.

Here is our main activity room.
Very spacious, as you can see.

And perfect timing on your visit.

Here is our regular
Saturday morning bingo game.

N-41!

That lucky for anyone?

Jerry, don't think I haven't
noticed your haircut.

Betty does such a wonderful job.

The residents absolutely adore her
and she brings the best snacks.

This week, she brought homemade
Christmas cookies to...

- Alice?
- No.

Every day, our residents play games,
do art projects, yoga,

whatever physical exercise
they can tolerate.

We strive to keep their bodies
and minds active and engaged.

So they can get better and go home.

Hey!

Yes. Yes.

- Let me know if you have any questions.
- Oh, yes, I will.

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Could this possibly
be what awaits the Great War

and Rand, connect the dots and bingo.

The man wrote federal housing legislation.

A brilliant innovator, always figuring
out ways to help people.

It was thrilling to ride shotgun
with a man like that.

Oh, the bastard's leaving.
It's just me again.

And me is just...

Nothing to show for my stupid life.

- Oh, come on.
- Come on yourself.

You, you made a beautiful child.

I never even made one of those.

- What's going on?
- Wedding.

Wanna be my plus one?

I can't crash a wedding. I'm a urologist.

Oh, look. Come on.
They're checking invitations.

This is ridiculous.

Oh, hey. Hi. How you doing?

- I feel like Jack and Rose in Titanic.
- Good analogy.

This is a wedding, okay?

And if you attend
someone's wedding uninvited,

you should look like a human being.

Okay, let's at least do this.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Hey. How you doing? Love that jacket.

We just got in from Dodge City.
I love what you've done with it.

- Oh, such a lovely day.
- Hey.

Pretty dress. Where's the alcohol?

Yeah. Best thing for that is a heating pad
and cranberry juice.

You'll be fine by the honeymoon.

Your standard quarter. Nothing special.
See? Blow on that. Whoop. Disappear.

Oh, it's in your sleeve.

They seem so right for one another,
don't you think?

Yeah. They really do.

Although, you know, in marriage
there are no guarantees.

- Ours is a bloody shambles.
- Shambles.

Oh, I don't know, honey.
That's a bit strong. Maybe.

But these two, they have as much
a chance to make it as any.

Which is fifty-fifty. Pick them.

"Lady Marmalade."

They're playing "Lady Marmalade."
That's my bump song.

- You ever done it with a real person?
- Not yet.

He met Marmalade
Down in old New Orleans

Strutting her stuff on the street

She said hello, hey, Joe
You wanna give it a go?

Mocha, chocolata

Creole Lady Marmalade

He stayed in a boudoir
While she freshened up

The boys drank all that Magnolia wine

On her black satin sheets
Where he started to freak

Well, this is me.

Wow, great. This was so much fun.
I haven't danced in so long.

It's great to spend some relaxing time
for a change.

- Really, thank you so much. Yeah.
- Anyway...

Mr. Wizard.

No! No. Okay. Where are you right now?

Are you with him? Okay.

No, no, no. You did the right thing.

Okay, okay. No, no, no, that's not--

Just tell me the readings
when you first got to the ER.

Right.

Okay.

Pramila, he's stable.
Catch a 7:30 flight. I'm on my way.

Sorry.

Okay, we're going to bring you
to the house now.

Okay.

Oh, Pramila, I'm so sorry.
I had no idea you were waiting down here.

- No. It's fine. I ate some of the kegel.
- It's kugel.

- How's he doing?
- Oh, it's better.

It's a coil to get him settled up there.

Oh, that man is as tough as nails.
But this stroke, wow.

I know you must be exhausted,

but I wanted to talk to you
for just a moment regarding my work here.

Oh, I'm sorry. I haven't even
had a second to think about it.

You know, from now on, he's going to need,
you know, nursing care.

Oh, no, no, no, I figured all of that.
I meant...

with the book.

The book?

The book? Your husband's book.

You're actually working on the book.

I recorded everything he said,
I transcribed it and I edited it.

It's a book.

What, about Watergate?

Sometimes it's not a history book.

It's just a book.

Can I have this?

Yeah.

- Hey. Sorry to keep you waiting.
- Yeah. No problem.

I thought we're gonna do an exam,
but they brought me here.

- Yeah, I thought we should, discuss.
- Hey, How's Warren?

He's...

So-so. It was...

Bad stroke. Thanks for asking.

Yeah. I mean, I didn't wanna text.
Anyway, just give him my best, will you?

I will, I will, I will.
Okay. Down to business.

- I'm just running very late today.
- Okay.

Okay. It's looking like
the infection is gone. That's good.

Yeah. Peeing better for sure.
Not gonna win a state fair, but.

Yeah, PSA is still high, though.
It is still high.

Okay.

The next step in the protocol
would be a biopsy, Stan.

I'm not saying it's urgently called for,

but I certainly would recommend it
at this point

just to get a clear answer on that issue.

Wow, okay. Sure. Let's do it.

Actually, my partner, Dr. Caseman,
is going to do the procedure.

He's wonderful.

But I mean,
you're gonna be there, though, right?

I won't be at the procedure. No, no.

Are you still my doctor?

You know, I really think it would be best
if Dr. Caseman took over at this point.

Same financial arrangement we had.
He's the best.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.

Is this because of Cleveland?

Doesn't mean you can't be my doctor,
does it?

Actually, it does. It's an ethics issue.

Ethics? Come on.
It was one night of partying.

It never happened.

Honestly, I can't even remember Cleveland.
Where's that? I've never been.

- Dr. Case--
- Oh, fuck him. And fuck you.

That's quite a nifty one-two punch
you hit me with this afternoon.

Listen, Stan. I'm sorry.
Clearly, this is a shitty situation.

We became friends.
Close friends, and that was wonderful.

But I let it get too far,
and I take full responsibility.

Oh, do you? Okay, well, sure,
because I had no say in it, right?

I'm just your hot guy
in a uniform doll by Mattel.

- You never got over that stupid tag.
- Doesn't matter.

Okay, Cynthia, because I am out
of your life right now as per your wishes.

Now, maybe you meet a cute guy
and start a whole new thing, huh?

And you know what? I can take
responsibility for my own fuckups.

Thank you.
That a lot more practice than you.

What's that?

A riser.

Have faith

Promises were made

You just take care and behave

You left

And now you were safe

The path, it walks you with

Meanwhile, the house is empty

The legs, naked and weary

Walls barely hanging on

Carry on

As she waits for you

She can't hear anything you're saying

She can't believe what is true

It doesn't make sense what they're saying

She can't see anyone but...

I love you.

Last night, you laughed like a bird

Flying away, never to be heard

The wind, it's cold and absurd

I love you.

...you gave her your word

Meanwhile, the house is empty

The legs, naked and weary

Walls, barely hanging on

Carry on

She waits for you

And she waits for you

And she

Waits

- Yeah!
- Damn right! Yeah!

Thank you. That was for my dad.

Goddamn kids. Who knocks over Santa?

You know, they do make inflatable ones.

- Another option.
- No way man.

They're just gonna steal them,
take them home.

Do all kinds of sick shit to them.
You know what I'm talking about.

Excuse me.

Goddamn it!

You know, it's funny...

when you fall in love with someone...

whatever it is that draws you to them,

whatever they represent to you
at that moment, it gets kind of locked in.

And that's who they are forever.

To me, Warren was strength.

I know, it's not a very feminist thing
to say, but Warren made me feel safe.

Sorry. It's true.

I loved Warren's strength.
I relied on his strength.

So when that strength
began to fade, when his...

body and mind stopped being
what they once were.

I felt abandoned. I felt...

angry.

Not proud of that, but it's what I felt.

Pramila Mahesh knew Warren,
only at the end. And what a gift.

Because Pramila, without any expectations,

listened to Warren...

in a way that I had stopped listening.

And bless her, she recorded his words
and made this remarkable book

that I can't even begin to describe what
reading this book has opened up for me.

I mean,
I knew most of the stories already.

I knew that he ran in the Millrose Games
when he was 19, as part of his legend.

But he...

He wasn't a legend.

Not then.

He was a boy.

A boy who wanted to win that race so much,

who ran so hard,
who took the lead with a lap to go.

And lost.

This second plane trip, the one back home,
was bent in the back row in tears.

One night about a week ago...

I got into bed
and Warren woke up for a moment...

and looked at me.

And...

there he was, the boy.

I saw in his eyes
the pain that he was feeling at age 19

and now again,
65 years later, the pain of...

falling short of what he wanted to be.

And in that moment.

I love the great Warren Rand more fully
than I'd ever loved him before.

And I'm so glad
I got to do that before he left.

Thank you.

Warren. I'm home.

Warren.

Warren, honey?

Oh, you're still here?

I...

I wanted to know what it feels like
not to hear him answer.

How's it feel?

I feel like I let him down, Stan.

I mean, if he was being honest,
totally honest,

would he say I was a good wife?

Would he say I was there for him
in the way he needed all these years?

I don't know. I...

I truly do not know.

"Help me, Mr. Wizard."

I took Sammi camping
once up in the mountains.

She was like 10 or so
and she didn't wanna go.

But I said, "We're going.

We're going to have a great time,
so shut the fuck up."

Such was my sensitive parenting style.

So we go. She won't stop complaining.

"It's cold. The food's gross.
It's raining really hard."

It wasn't even raining that hard.

If it wasn't for the big hole in the tent,
she never would have noticed.

And then she starts complaining that
her ears hurt because of the altitude.

And I remember that
her mom used peroxide for that.

So I get some out of the first aid
and I tilt her head to the side

and I pour a capful in one of her ears,
which, as it turns out, is way too much,

and most of it rolls out
down right into her eye

and she starts screaming,
screams of the, "God help me,

I'm being burned alive" variety.

So now I'm thinking,
"Holy shit, did I just blind my kid?"

Nearest hospital is like two hours away.

We're in the Adirondacks,

so to get some sense
of the damage I take--

And I'm not defending this move, mind you,

I take a capful of the peroxide and--

I'm not defending this.

Pour it into my own eye
to see how bad it really is.

Turns out, very bad. Like sulfuric acid.

So now I'm thinking
I do need to get her to a hospital.

Not to mention myself.
So I scoop her up in her pajamas.

But I'm half blind.

I'm running towards the car
and I don't see the picnic table.

The exact height of my balls.

I feel like you're getting ahead
of the story.

But yeah,
I go slamming into the picnic table.

Sammi goes flying.

She lands in a big pile of mud.

I'm grabbing my gonads,
keeled over next to her.

And there we are, in the mud...

cold, wet, eyes burning.

And the only thing
I can think of to say to her is...

"I'm sorry, Sammi."

And she looks at me...

with this muddy, squinty face,

and she says, "It's okay, Dad.

You're doing the best you can."

And I definitely...

Backhanded compliment,
given the circumstances.

But still, for some reason...

she chose that moment of all moments

to let me be human.

Mr. Wizard.

- And happy birthday.
- Happy birthday.

I'm the newest little fish
In the big blue sea

And everybody's talking
And they're looking at me

Saying "What you gonna do with your life?"

You know you gotta do it soon
And you gotta do it right

We like it, I got it, I understand
Can't screw up, cause you got one chance

Go to get a job, and then follow the plan

But then how in the heck
Could I be who I am?

I don't think they understand
That I'ma be all right, I'ma be okay

I don't think they understand
That I'm all my way

So it doesn't really matter
What you think or say

Cause I'ma B-E-L-I-E-V-A, all right
I'ma be okay

No, I'm not there yet
But I'm on my way

So it doesn't really matter
What you think or say

I'm a B-E-L-I-E-V-A

I'm a B-E-liever

B-E-O-B, oh, please don't say she can't
So you best believe her

Put your hands up, you're a dreamer

B-E-liever

A B-E-O-B, oh, please don't say she can't
So you best believe her

I'ma be all right, I'ma be okay

No, I'm not there yet
But I'm on my way

So it doesn't really matter
What you think or say

'Cause I'm a B-E-L-I-E-V-A, all right

I'ma be okay
No, the best is yet to come my way

So it doesn't really matter
What you think or say

'Cause I'm a B-E-L-I-E-V

I said B-E-L-I-E-V, get a B-E-L-I-E-V

Get a B-E-L-I-E-V, get a B-E-L-I-E-V-A

It's my dad!

It's my kid.

Yeah!

My daughter!

Come on! Do it!