Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Three people, one slice.

Classic scenario.

What to do? What to do?

I mean, nobody wants to be the one to take the last slice..

chomp chomp

Uh, w-what?

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

I hope you saved room for the bill!

[laughs]

Let me get yours, Porky.

I-I still feel bad about you losing your job.

Oh, no, it's okay. I got a new job.

I'm gonna do, uh, doing catering.

Catering? Nobody wants a pig handling their food.

Besides, isn't that a lot of temptation?

I mean, your name's not Health And Fitness Pig.

It's Porky Pig! Am I right?

[laughs]

Couldn't you at least pretend to reach for your wallet?

I don't have a wallet. Besides, I shouldn't have to pay.

It's my birthday.

Your birthday's not until next week.

Oh-ho, we're well within the birthday zone.

[cell phone ringing]

It's Lola.

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Slow down! Lola, calm down.

Lola, stop. I-I can't understand you.

Where are you? Where are you?

Okay, I-I'm coming.

I gotta go. Lola broke her leg.

Oh, dear. Yeah, p-poor Lola.

Don't feel bad for her.

You're the one who got stuck with the bill.

Am I right?

You guys are too sensitive.

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

Oh. Oh, hey, Bugs.

- What are you doing here? - You called me.

You were hysterical!

Oh, right!

It's a simple fracture.

She'll have the cast off in about six weeks.

- How did it happen? - It's crazy.

(Lola) I was out buying cupcakes

when I noticed a baby

stuck on top of a building.

I knew I had to save that baby

so I finished my cupcake

and shimmied up the drain pipe, when suddenly

the drain pipe started coming lose from the building!

(Bugs) And you fell and broke your leg?

(Lola) No, I let go of the drain pipe just in time

and grabbed hold of the telephone wire.

So there I was, hanging from the wire.

I started swinging myself back and forth

until finally I flung myself as high as I could

hoping I would make it to the roof

but I didn't make it to the roof.

I was totally out of control

and I went crashing through

a giant, plate-glass window!

(Bugs) And that's when you broke your leg?

(Lola) No, I landed flat on my back

in the middle of some girl's apartment.

She was super sweet. We're totally having lunch next week.

Anyway, I found my way to the elevator

but it was out of service, so I had to pry open the doors

and throw myself into the elevator shaft.

(Bugs) You fell down an elevator shaft?

(Lola) Will you please just listen?

I caught the elevator cables

I pulled myself up hand over hand

until I finally reached the top

where I kicked the grate open with my feet

and catapulted myself onto the roof

but right before I could grab the baby

it turned, and I realized it wasn't a baby

it was a crow!

- And it attacked me. - What?

(Lola) I tried to fend it off, but he was one of those

angry crows, and no matter what I did

he kept attacking, he wouldn't stop

and he just kept attacking and attacking

until, finally, I lost my balance

and fell 15 stories!

(Bugs) And that's when you broke your leg.

(Lola) No, I landed on an inflatable gorilla

in front of a car dealership.

So how did you break your leg?

Oh, I was here for a checkup

and I slipped getting up on this table.

It's really high. You should try it.

No, wait, don't. You'll break your leg like me.

She's a keeper.

[instrumental music]

- What are we doing here? - I'm, uh, d-dropping you off.

Bugs isn't here. How am I supposed to get inside?

- Uh, u-use your keys. - I don't have keys.

So you don't have a, a wallet or k-k-keys?

Porky, I'm a spiritual being.

I'm not interested in material possessions.

Ooh, can I have these?

Just take me to your house.

Um, uh, c-can't I drop you off at Tina's?

Tina's at work.

Why don't you wanna take me to your house?

Oh, no, no, it's just--

- It's just what? - Oh, nothing, I'm--

You're what? What are you up to? What are you hiding?

[stammering] Nothing.

Aha! You were hiding these.

All I'm saying is, you need to be charming

to do catering. You're not charming.

Uh, just go watch TV.

Uh, I've got some, uh, c-cooking to do.

Huh, catering.

You should get a job where you don't have

to interact with people, maybe something with a computer

where, where people don't have to look at you.

That would be good for you

'cause you're a creepy recluse who keeps to himself.

(man on TV) 'Breaking news in the case'

'of the suburban strangler.'

Until now, the police have had little to go on

other than the assumption that the killer

'is a creepy recluse who keeps to himself.'

Huh, that's how I just described Porky.

But now a witness has come forward

giving police a physical description of the suspect.

The guy we're looking for is chubby

short and bald

'with a pig-like nose.'

"Chubby, short and bald

with a pig-like nose?"

If you see anyone matching this description

call 9-1-1.

[thud]

[thud]

[thud]

Mother!

[Daffy groans]

[clock ticking]

What happened? Where am I?

[clock ticking]

[gasps] I'm in Porky's house.

[gasps] Porky's the suburban strangler!

I gotta call 9-1-1! Ah!

I don't remember the number for 9-1-1.

Think. Think, man.

I know, I'll call 4-1-1

and ask them for the number for 9-1-1.

Ah! I don't know the number for 4-1-1!

I'll call Bugs!

He's filled with useless information

like emergency phone numbers.

He cut the phone line.

Aah!

[thud]

Porky, you scared me, not that you're scary.

'I just didn't expect you to be standing there'

like a psychopath. Not that you're a psychopath.

Are you, uh, feeling better?

Mm-hmm. Much better. All better, in fact.

I should probably be getting home.

I'm sure Bugs is back by now.

Oh, o-okay, I'll drive you.

Wait, they say never let your attacker

take you to a second location.

Uh, w-what?

If you drive me to my house

you'd be taking me to a second location.

- So? - Nice try, chubby.

But you're not taking me anywhere.

Uh, you think I'm chubby?

You're not just chubby

you're chubby, short and bald

with a pig-like nose.

Aah! Uh, well, you're rude!

Awfully sensitive for a wanted killer.

Thanks for getting all my stuff.

I really feel like I'm at home.

squeak

Remind me again why you're not at home.

Uh, because you're taking care of me

and you live here. See? I'm doing you a favor.

- Gee, thanks. - You won't even know I'm here.

- Oh, Bugs? - Yes?

I'm kind of thirsty.

Would you mind getting me a glass of milk?

- Milk? - Oh, no, wait.

I'm allergic to milk. How about a soda?

Diet soda, though. Oh, no, wait, regular soda.

I need the calories.

You know what? Sorry, soda's bad for you.

How about an orange juice? No, wait, apple juice.

No, orange juice.

No! Apple juice. You know what?

Just give me the milk and we'll see what happens.

- What's that? - Water.

Oh! It's just what I wanted.

gulp gulp

Ah! I got to pee.

[Bugs groans]

When do you get your cast off, again?

Only six weeks.

[Bugs groaning]

[crickets creaking]

[door creaking]

[door creaking]

(Daffy) 'Canopy bed, embroidered pillows'

lace curtains?

This is either the bedroom

of an 80-year-old woman

or a deranged killer.

No knives, no guns, no body parts.

[gasps]

'Great day in the morning!'

How many sunglasses does one pig need?

Is it possible that Porky's not the suburban strangler?

Could it be that he just happens to be

chubby, short and bald

and I'm jumping to an outlandish conclusion

because I'm a paranoid, hateful, fear mongerer?

[instrumental music]

No, that's the face of a killer.

[door opens]

[dramatic music]

beep beep

Uh, it's me. Yeah, it has to be tonight.

I, uh, I-I think he's on to me.

Uh, c-come pick up Daffy, when I'm done with him.

'He'll be in the, the garage'

'in the, the freezer.'

click

[stammering] What is all this?

I gotta get out of here.

[whimpering]

He's locked me in!

[grunts]

(Porky) Uh, w-where are you going?

Oh, uh, nowhere.

I-I was just getting a little hungry.

Yeah, well, let me make you something. How about a sandwich?

Oh, why, thank you. I would love a sandwich.

He's toying with me.

He's gonna chop me up into a million pieces.

He's gonna cook me. he's gonna wear me.

Wait a minute, calm down.

This is Porky you're talking about.

You've known him your whole life.

He wouldn't hurt a fly!

He's a sweetheart.

Oh, no. I've got Stockholm syndrome.

I've fallen in love with my captor!

It's a, a chopped liver.

- Whose? - Uh, what?

[Daffy gasps]

[giggles]

You know what?

I just realized I'm not hungry.

I think I should lie back down.

[clattering]

[clattering]

[shattering]

'Sorry.'

[door shuts]

[dramatic music]

(Porky) 'Uh, w-what're you doing?'

Oh, is this not the bathroom?

My mistake. I thought this was the bathroom.

Do, uh, not go in there.

I wouldn't dream of it.

I-if you'll excuse me

I-I have some business to attend to.

"I have some business to attend to."

That's what a killer says right before he kills!

Or is it, "Get in the van?"

No, it's, "I have some business to attend to."

[clattering]

[dramatic music]

[stairs squeaking]

[thud]

[gasps]

[shivering] That poor woman.

Well, at least it's over.

[chainsaw whirring]

[screams]

(Porky) 'Uh, D-Daffy?'

[teeth chattering]

Can I help you?

Uh, uh, I thought I heard you downstairs.

Nope. Been here the whole time.

Just reading the paper.

Yesterday's news.

Uh, can I bring you some tea?

[chuckles] That sounds lovely!

[door creaking]

What could be in here? Bodies?

Torture machines? Why do I wanna go in there?

Because I was told not to and I've a problem with authority.

[dramatic music]

[gasps]

Hey, Lola. I got you Chinese food.

Lola? Lola?

(Lola) 'Coming!'

[whirring]

- What is that? - It's a stair lift.

I felt so bad that you were having to carry me up and down.

So I had one installed while you were gone.

It's top of the line. That's why it's so quiet.

'Almost there.'

'Here I come.'

'Just a few more steps.'

'Ooh, a-a-and'

almost there. Okay.

Here I come.

There. What's that?

- Your Chinese food. - That's not Chinese food.

Chinese food's flat and round with cheese and tomato sauce

and a bunch of different toppings.

That's called pizza.

Oh, I don't know. I don't speak Chinese.

Uh, thanks!

[door opens]

Oh, I think I have to pee again.

It's okay, here we go.

Now we're really moving. Now we're going.

'Alright, come on. Here we go.'

[kettle whistling]

[dramatic music]

[humming]

[music continues]

Huh?

[humming]

[music continues]

Uh, what are, what are you doing in here?

[gasps]

I know what you're up to!

Uh, t-then you leave me no choice.

Make it fast, I don't deserve the suffer.

I mean, I probably do, but I don't want to!

'Happy b-birthday!'

Say what?

Uh, I-I know it's early, but, uh

you said you knew my secret, so..

I-I hope you like it.

A collage made out

of assorted photos of me?

What on Earth would possess you to make something this creepy?

Uh, b-because that's what you, uh, s-specifically told me

you wanted for your birthday. Uh, you sent me the photos.

So you don't wanna murder me?

Uh, w-why would I wanna murder you?

[gasps] Only a murderer would ask that question.

[screams]

[grunts]

[mumbles]

[thud]

- Uh.. - Huh?

Hey, Speed-Speedy.

Speedy? What did you do to Speedy?

Look, who's got a wallet and keys now, chubby!

[groans]

[engine sputters]

[grunts]

[screams]

[tires screeching]

[thud]

[screaming]

Six weeks.

[screaming]

That's a good way to kill somebody!

Whoa! Whoa!

[engine revving]

[whimpering]

In your face!

[screams]

Oh.

[gibberish]

Oh, no! I'm too late!

[bells jingling]

Speedy!

[gasps]

(all) Surprise!

[bells jingling]

Oh, I-I missed it.

Happy early birthday, Daffy!

Pinky was planning to throw this on your actual birthday

but he called in and said we'd have to do it tonight

because you were getting suspicious.

You're lucky to have such a nice friend.

Nice friend or the suburban strangler?

- Oh! - Strangler? Que? Que?

I'm, I'm not the suburban strangler.

He trapped me in his home.

He locked the door so I couldn't escape!

Uh, w-what? Uh, the door wasn't locked.

Well, then, how come

I couldn't just open it like this?

[grunts]

No, just pull it, man.

It-it's not that heavy.

Kids use it all the time, little kids.

[grunting]

[exhales sharply]

It doesn't matter!

What does matter is that you cut the phone line

so I couldn't call for help!

Uh, are you talking about the phone in the guest room?

It-it's an antique, it-it's just for decoration.

Then how do you explain the blood on your hands?

Uh, t-this is paint

for the banner I made for your party.

You may have all these people fooled

but I saw you murder a woman!

Uh, w-what?

With a chainsaw!

Uh, t-that was an ice sculpture o-of you!

[bells jingling]

What's going on?

Daffy's surprise party.

I thought that was supposed to be next week.

Uh..

(man on TV) 'We interrupt this program'

with a special alert.

The suburban strangler has been captured.

You gotta admit there's a strong resemblance.

Am I right?

If anyone's gonna murder you, it's me.

What's that thing?

Don't worry, I'm getting rid of it.

I got you pizza. What is this?

I didn't know when you'd be back, so I ordered Chinese food.

You want some?

Mm-mmm. You can really taste the kung pao.

It is strong. Mm..

(Daffy) 'Oh, no, you're not getting rid of this.'

I'm never walking upstairs again.

[whirring]

Mm, mm..

[theme music]

I still think Porky is the murderer.