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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,811 I am Vlad the Impaler Dracula, you can all suck my cock. 2 00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:21,814 I am Vlad the Impaler Dracula, you can all suck my cock. 3 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:25,234 I am Vlad the Impaler Dracula, you can all suck my cock... 4 00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:14,325 Superb! Like Fluxus films! 5 00:01:14,950 --> 00:01:17,286 Brilliant mise-en-scène! 6 00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:20,873 I'm this film's writer and director. 7 00:01:21,499 --> 00:01:26,003 Some time ago I agreed to make a film based on the Dracula myth. 8 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,215 A commercial, popular film. 9 00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:32,551 But I can't do it! I have zero ideas! 10 00:01:32,802 --> 00:01:35,721 While I was struggling with this project, 11 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:40,100 fortunately, AI has developed a lot! 12 00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:44,396 What you've just seen was made with the Vlaicu2000 AI. 13 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:47,983 What? 14 00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:56,408 The funds, the producers and distributors, they did a test screening, 15 00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:59,954 and apparently the audience was not at all happy. 16 00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:02,081 82 percent. 17 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:07,878 So it looks like I'll have to make this Dracula film. 18 00:02:08,087 --> 00:02:12,174 Great! This will be super-commercial. 19 00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:15,678 Nudity, sex, feelings, 20 00:02:15,845 --> 00:02:19,515 violence, car chases, lots of blood, 21 00:02:19,682 --> 00:02:21,934 jokes, gags, slapstick, 22 00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:25,688 "piss yourself laughing," in specialised lingo. 23 00:02:25,855 --> 00:02:27,898 Well then, God bless! 24 00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:51,338 A demon on the wing, O, hast thou seen the fiend? 25 00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:56,927 Like lightning 'cross the sky To Floarea's house he flew! 26 00:02:57,386 --> 00:03:00,055 Then down the chimney, sooth! 27 00:03:00,431 --> 00:03:05,561 Fast as an evil wind! O Lord, and how he keened! 28 00:03:05,728 --> 00:03:08,689 Say, hast thou seen him too? 29 00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:14,528 A dragon of white light with flaming, fearsome tail, 30 00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:19,867 And gems beyond compare did shine on him like fire. 31 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:25,581 The poor girl is a shadow, her skin a sickly hue, 32 00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:31,170 The beast's ungodly torture is tearing her apart. 33 00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:36,550 Heed the old wives' advice, its words tested and true: 34 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:42,473 Young maidens, stay away from the fires of the heart! 35 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,643 Of the heart. 36 00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:48,979 Thank you! Feel free to applaud! 37 00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:52,107 That faggot can sing! 38 00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:58,989 Thank you! 39 00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:05,329 Good evening! I am Adonis, welcome to our show! 40 00:04:05,496 --> 00:04:07,414 Which begins with... 41 00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:11,669 the mystery of physicist Ludwig Boltzmann! 42 00:04:11,835 --> 00:04:13,796 A dead body, he says, 43 00:04:13,963 --> 00:04:17,132 can come back to live a second life, 44 00:04:17,675 --> 00:04:20,719 a reverse picture of their first. 45 00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:24,932 But the likelihood of such a phenomenon, my dear lady, 46 00:04:25,182 --> 00:04:27,101 is fantastically low. 47 00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:30,270 Advocates of statistical mechanics claim 48 00:04:30,396 --> 00:04:33,524 we have not yet experienced such a wonder 49 00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:37,987 because we have not yet observed a sufficient number of... 50 00:04:38,529 --> 00:04:40,155 dead bodies, Madam! 51 00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:43,158 It's like the law of large numbers. 52 00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:45,411 The more people die, 53 00:04:45,536 --> 00:04:47,997 billions to the power of billions, 54 00:04:48,122 --> 00:04:51,291 the higher the chance of some reviving! 55 00:04:51,875 --> 00:04:53,335 Or becoming... 56 00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:55,212 Living dead. 57 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:03,095 The undead! That is the subject of tonight's story 58 00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:06,890 in our restaurant, which is highly select and secret. 59 00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:10,310 Let us welcome Vampira with applause! 60 00:05:17,609 --> 00:05:21,738 As Mina, played by our peerless Vampira, 61 00:05:21,739 --> 00:05:24,491 awaits her beloved Jonathan Harker, 62 00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:27,578 played by your humble servant, 63 00:05:27,745 --> 00:05:31,373 he is busy in Transylvania, right here, in Sighișoara. 64 00:05:39,048 --> 00:05:42,259 Rats, rats, rats! 65 00:05:42,426 --> 00:05:46,387 Thousands, millions of them, and every one a life. 66 00:05:46,388 --> 00:05:50,768 And dogs to eat them, and cats too. 67 00:05:51,185 --> 00:05:53,270 All red blood, 68 00:05:53,437 --> 00:05:55,772 with years of life in it. 69 00:05:55,773 --> 00:05:58,859 All these lives will I give you, my love, 70 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:03,947 and many more and greater, through countless ages, 71 00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:07,826 if you will fall down and worship me! 72 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,329 I worship you, Master! 73 00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:12,372 Very well. 74 00:06:12,915 --> 00:06:16,376 But first, a little refreshment. 75 00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:27,637 We remind you that photographing or recording through any means 76 00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:29,932 are strictly prohibited. 77 00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:35,312 Touching the performers outside the specially designated scenes, 78 00:06:35,521 --> 00:06:37,898 some requiring prior payment, 79 00:06:38,107 --> 00:06:40,067 is also strictly prohibited. 80 00:06:44,238 --> 00:06:47,366 Bitch got killer tits! 81 00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:54,790 Bravo! Applause! 82 00:06:55,624 --> 00:06:59,086 That was so good, my love! 83 00:06:59,837 --> 00:07:01,838 You got some on me, motherfucker! 84 00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:03,632 You better not have AIDS! 85 00:07:03,799 --> 00:07:06,468 My love, Mina. How faint you are! 86 00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:11,848 Was I once again attacked by that infernal monster? 87 00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:13,392 Worry not! 88 00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:17,187 I have summoned Dr. Van Helsing from the University Hospital. 89 00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:19,523 Together we shall defeat Dracula. 90 00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:24,403 Beloved Mina, you are safe here until the sunset; 91 00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:27,531 and before then we shall return - 92 00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:29,283 Them tits! 93 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,577 Yes, we shall return! 94 00:07:32,536 --> 00:07:37,166 But first I will arm you against personal attack. 95 00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:42,462 On your forehead I touch this piece of Sacred Wafer 96 00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:47,176 in the name of the Father, 97 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:49,511 the Son, 98 00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:52,139 and the Holy Spirit, 99 00:07:53,307 --> 00:07:55,809 Amen. 100 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:59,646 Kyrie eleison... 101 00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:14,578 Quiet! 102 00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:18,749 - Next, part two of our - - Shitty show. 103 00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:20,417 Thank you, Madam, bye. 104 00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,836 Those wanting to join Dracula in the Pink Salon - 105 00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:24,379 Fuck off! 106 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,381 to live out their fantasies, 107 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:29,801 or, for 30 minutes, join Vampira in the Purple Salon, 108 00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:33,222 can start placing their bids now! 109 00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:38,101 One hour with Dracula! Starting at 1000 euros! 110 00:08:38,310 --> 00:08:39,894 Do I see more? 111 00:08:39,895 --> 00:08:42,856 Look at those long canines! Show them! 112 00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:46,360 - 1200 euro. - For a blowjob? 113 00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:48,320 Oh, excellent choice! 114 00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:50,989 Ladies, don't be shy. 115 00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:54,368 He has huge skill with his teeth, the pleasure will be all yours! 116 00:08:54,493 --> 00:08:56,578 Something to tell your grandchildren. 117 00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,120 1500 euros! 118 00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:01,041 1500 going once, going twice - 119 00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,335 Gone! Bravo! 120 00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:07,798 Go to the Pink Room! 121 00:09:07,965 --> 00:09:09,633 Enjoy the love machine! 122 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:31,571 Now suck Popeye the Sailor Man's dick, Dracula! 123 00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:32,656 What? 124 00:09:32,864 --> 00:09:33,865 Here. 125 00:09:35,117 --> 00:09:36,326 Suck him. 126 00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:40,747 I'm Popeye the Sailor Man, 127 00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:46,003 I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam, 128 00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:48,505 I'm Popeye the Sailor Man. 129 00:09:48,672 --> 00:09:50,257 Spinach for me! 130 00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:56,680 Now touch my clitoris with your sharp teeth. 131 00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:59,182 Lick my pussy, Dracula! 132 00:10:13,864 --> 00:10:15,866 Now fuck me, Dracula! 133 00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:17,743 Fuck me! 134 00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:21,747 Fuck me 'til the blood comes out of my pussy! 135 00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:25,792 What's up? 136 00:10:27,336 --> 00:10:28,754 Cannot do. 137 00:10:28,879 --> 00:10:31,214 Cock down. Finished. 138 00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:33,759 Fucking moron! 139 00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:37,929 - Sorry. - "Sorry"! 140 00:10:40,766 --> 00:10:43,477 He couldn't perform. He's a fucking impotent! 141 00:10:43,602 --> 00:10:45,603 Sorry. Again, Uncle Sandu? 142 00:10:45,604 --> 00:10:47,605 It's my age, son. 143 00:10:47,606 --> 00:10:49,399 Sorry, it was for the first time. 144 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,276 I want my money back. 145 00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:54,071 I did lick her pussy. 146 00:10:54,196 --> 00:10:58,742 - But he performed with the mouth! - I want my 1500 back! 147 00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:02,746 Don't worry, we'll reimburse you. Give her the money back. 148 00:11:09,086 --> 00:11:12,506 And here is the most popular part of our show! 149 00:11:13,048 --> 00:11:18,220 Dracula and Mina, now his partner in crime and hanky-panky, 150 00:11:19,054 --> 00:11:22,474 flee, trying to escape their just punishment. 151 00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:26,103 The perimeter is marked on the map sent to your phones. 152 00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:27,979 I repeat the rules: 153 00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:30,607 they will only hide in public places. 154 00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:33,360 No private homes or vegetable patches. 155 00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:37,030 So don't barge into hotel rooms on hot couples. 156 00:11:37,239 --> 00:11:41,410 At most, you'll find that pervy Professor Bulai. 157 00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:46,998 No assaulting the performers, the stakes are just for a little... 158 00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:48,792 oomph, Madam! 159 00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:50,459 The kid's so sweet. 160 00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:51,378 Ready, 161 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,171 steady, 162 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,006 go! 163 00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:57,968 Stop! They get a minute's advance. 164 00:11:58,135 --> 00:11:59,678 One, two... 165 00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:05,016 59, 58, 57... 166 00:12:14,025 --> 00:12:15,861 Let's go left! 167 00:12:19,823 --> 00:12:22,159 3, 2, 1, go! 168 00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,863 Dracula sucks cock! 169 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,877 Dracula sucks cock! 170 00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:21,801 Come on! 171 00:13:22,636 --> 00:13:23,970 Hurry up! 172 00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:36,191 Hope they catch us quick so we can wrap up the fucking show. 173 00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:41,154 You know it never takes long. 174 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,759 There you were, you rats! 175 00:14:02,926 --> 00:14:05,762 Congratulations, you caught us! 176 00:14:20,902 --> 00:14:22,195 Motherfucker! 177 00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:25,448 Some spectators might be disappointed. 178 00:14:25,574 --> 00:14:28,994 The film title is Dracula, but it's not about Dracula. 179 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,788 Just a washed-up actor playing Dracula. 180 00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:35,500 I apologise! Or, to quote a serious film character: 181 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,502 "I accept your condemnation!" 182 00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:41,798 Fortunately, I've found a much better AI. 183 00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:44,634 Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0. 184 00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:47,429 By an American-Japanese company. 185 00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:51,349 So, dear Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0, 186 00:14:51,516 --> 00:14:54,935 you find a way for Vlad the Impaler and Dracula 187 00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:58,398 to become one and the same and appear in modern-day Romania. 188 00:14:58,607 --> 00:15:01,026 I want it to be the bomb! 189 00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:05,280 But with some deeper, philosophical stuff too. 190 00:15:05,614 --> 00:15:07,574 Of course. How do we begin? 191 00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:09,659 Let's do something... 192 00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:11,494 Science-y. 193 00:15:11,786 --> 00:15:15,123 Something cool and trendy. 194 00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:16,708 Right away. 195 00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:21,630 1. Eutrophia 196 00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:28,428 Claudia Cardinale visited this clinic, as did Pablo Neruda. 197 00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:33,892 Ana Aslan treated Salvador Dalí's famous wife, Gala. 198 00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:35,935 Nixon, too. 199 00:15:36,311 --> 00:15:38,647 Charlie Chaplin was here too. 200 00:15:38,897 --> 00:15:41,775 Even Lillian Gish, who starred in Griffith's films. 201 00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:46,029 Many did not want it known they were under eutrophic treatment 202 00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:47,781 for rejuvenation. 203 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:51,201 Professor Ana Aslan was very discreet. 204 00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:56,289 She met General Franco in Spain, but didn't even know where he lived, 205 00:15:56,456 --> 00:16:01,836 because she was driven to his residence in a tinted-window car. 206 00:16:02,253 --> 00:16:07,217 Aristotle Onassis sent a private jet for her to treat him on Skorpios Island. 207 00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:12,597 She was impressed by Onassis' immense charm. 208 00:16:12,764 --> 00:16:15,684 Good day, Mrs. Lucy! Ready for the next round? 209 00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:18,311 I feel younger already! 210 00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:22,899 I was watching this about Ana Aslan. She was quite something! 211 00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:26,027 So many stars came here for her treatment. 212 00:16:26,277 --> 00:16:28,237 Even Nixon and Chaplin! 213 00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:32,324 Yeah, she invented this treatment for staying young as long as possible 214 00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,035 as a humanistic thing. 215 00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:37,580 Actually, you know, it's dangerous, you don't know who wants to use it. 216 00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:42,419 This is why it's still a secret, we all sign confidential papers and... 217 00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:47,549 My opinion is that Ceaușescu wanted to live forever 218 00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:51,344 and he created all the conditions for Mrs. Aslan to work for him. 219 00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:56,057 If he hadn't been executed, he'd be alive even today. 220 00:16:58,184 --> 00:17:00,478 You must drink it slowly. 221 00:17:03,106 --> 00:17:06,609 Wanna go in the music room and listen to something? 222 00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:08,903 Wagner, like yesterday? 223 00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:11,823 I noticed there is a kind of theatre hall. 224 00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:14,200 Any plays performed there? 225 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,909 Not anymore. 226 00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:19,163 Actually, when Mr. Steven Spielberg was in our clinic, 227 00:17:19,164 --> 00:17:21,207 he asked to have Ceaușescu's screening room. 228 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:22,959 Spielberg was here? 229 00:17:23,126 --> 00:17:27,005 Yes, and he wanted to see films all the time. 230 00:17:27,172 --> 00:17:28,798 John Ford's films. 231 00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:31,760 But sometimes even bad Romanian films. 232 00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:34,846 Old films on these big rolls, you know. 233 00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:38,308 He laughed a lot, he considered them so stupid. 234 00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:43,188 We offered him a huge TV set, but still he preferred old technology. 235 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:47,400 I would like to see a film there, if it's possible. 236 00:17:47,692 --> 00:17:49,360 Casablanca? 237 00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:52,280 That will be an extra fee of 1000 euros. 238 00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:07,962 The porter was here when Dalí and Chaplin were here. 239 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,423 How was Chaplin? 240 00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:14,260 The lady wants to know about Chaplin. 241 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:18,056 Damn bastard! So boring and always angry. 242 00:18:18,181 --> 00:18:19,849 No fun at all. 243 00:18:19,974 --> 00:18:23,853 He was all shriveled up and swore like a Cossack. 244 00:18:24,187 --> 00:18:30,068 And he always argued with that old broad, Lillian Gish. 245 00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:32,528 Over dough, I guess. 246 00:18:32,529 --> 00:18:34,531 We're talking big bucks. 247 00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:36,449 Hear this, 248 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:41,246 one day I saw him cram her into that corner, 249 00:18:41,496 --> 00:18:45,291 and she sucked his... you know. 250 00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:53,550 Damn broad. 251 00:18:53,716 --> 00:18:57,178 - Your Highness, command me. - Catch every scoundrel in this country. 252 00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,430 Hardly possible, Your Highness. 253 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:02,976 Many take refuge on the boyars' domains. 254 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:09,315 We have no power there yet. 255 00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:14,279 The boyars again. 256 00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:17,407 You should have slain them, Your Highness. 257 00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:25,206 Iunus Beg's army has been hanging here for a year. 258 00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:27,917 Let us give the dead their due. 259 00:19:50,565 --> 00:19:53,484 Do you think to serve only yourselves? 260 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,412 Boyars, this country is not yours. 261 00:20:04,621 --> 00:20:06,414 You belong to the country. 262 00:20:06,664 --> 00:20:08,541 I, too, belong to the country. 263 00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:12,170 It's "Ladislaus of Hungary", not "the Hungary of Ladislaus". 264 00:20:12,754 --> 00:20:15,882 "Casimir of Poland", not "the Poland of Casimir"! 265 00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:17,967 Were it not so, 266 00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:21,220 countries would die with their rulers. 267 00:20:26,935 --> 00:20:28,144 Boy! 268 00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:31,105 Boy! 269 00:20:36,986 --> 00:20:40,156 "I inform Your Highness of the Turks' plots." 270 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:46,204 Locked in this foul film for so long, with no way out! 271 00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:47,372 What? 272 00:20:48,373 --> 00:20:49,499 You have freed me. 273 00:20:49,624 --> 00:20:51,960 Sorry, I don't speak this language. 274 00:20:53,962 --> 00:20:56,047 I want your blood. 275 00:21:10,144 --> 00:21:11,938 Where is the money, bitch? 276 00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:13,272 Money! 277 00:21:13,690 --> 00:21:15,316 Give me the fucking money! 278 00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:18,736 In my room, you crow, but I have nothing! 279 00:21:22,115 --> 00:21:24,033 Giddy up, Grandma! 280 00:21:30,957 --> 00:21:32,917 Leave me alone! 281 00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:41,926 Now suck my cock, Grandma! 282 00:21:42,385 --> 00:21:44,721 Get impaled on it! 283 00:21:49,851 --> 00:21:52,854 Grandma, you give head like a pro! 284 00:22:07,285 --> 00:22:08,745 Oh, Grandma. 285 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:12,415 Fuck, you got some crazy tongue, Grandma! 286 00:22:12,707 --> 00:22:15,168 Brilliant! Way to go! 287 00:22:15,293 --> 00:22:18,129 Japanese technology, American pragmatism. 288 00:22:18,254 --> 00:22:21,132 Plus the Romanian cultural heritage! 289 00:22:21,382 --> 00:22:23,800 I was made to serve the public's interests. 290 00:22:23,801 --> 00:22:27,013 - You're a huge help! - I am here to serve. 291 00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:28,973 Just to make it clear: 292 00:22:29,307 --> 00:22:30,516 Personally, 293 00:22:31,225 --> 00:22:36,022 I don't agree with this idiot's vulgarity and controversy. 294 00:22:36,189 --> 00:22:37,607 I won't accept it! 295 00:22:38,232 --> 00:22:39,233 Right! 296 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:42,070 Now to return to my story. 297 00:22:42,278 --> 00:22:44,530 Back to the restaurant! 298 00:22:50,036 --> 00:22:52,663 Now for the medal ceremony! 299 00:22:53,498 --> 00:22:56,417 Come get your prizes, everyone! 300 00:23:00,922 --> 00:23:02,799 Congratulations! 301 00:23:03,132 --> 00:23:04,884 Go do the dishes. 302 00:23:07,678 --> 00:23:09,388 Smile! 303 00:23:23,903 --> 00:23:26,155 Embarrass me again and you're fired. 304 00:23:26,364 --> 00:23:28,908 It's not my fault, Mrs. Georgeta. 305 00:23:29,242 --> 00:23:31,661 He can't help it, Madam, it's all biological. 306 00:23:31,786 --> 00:23:32,995 You shut up! 307 00:23:34,789 --> 00:23:39,127 I took you in from the streets, you had escaped from the loony bin! 308 00:23:39,627 --> 00:23:42,839 I paid for your fucking treatment, gave you food and shelter. 309 00:23:43,005 --> 00:23:45,174 I'll try, Madam, I promise. 310 00:23:46,968 --> 00:23:48,553 Do, or I replace you. 311 00:23:48,678 --> 00:23:50,263 Fucking scum. 312 00:23:51,305 --> 00:23:53,474 I got us two shows next month. 313 00:23:53,683 --> 00:23:57,687 One at Béla Lugosi Cinema in Lugoj, for the Porsche CEO, 314 00:23:58,062 --> 00:24:02,400 one in Bran, attended by Elon Musk and Hollywood actors. 315 00:24:02,984 --> 00:24:04,735 We can't afford to fail. 316 00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:08,239 - Trump might be there too. - Donald Trump? 317 00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:11,284 If he does, I'll shoot him in the head. 318 00:24:16,914 --> 00:24:17,999 Come in. 319 00:24:21,502 --> 00:24:23,754 Oh, come on now. 320 00:24:27,216 --> 00:24:30,428 Say, let's run away and make our own show. 321 00:24:31,596 --> 00:24:33,306 Run to where? 322 00:24:34,348 --> 00:24:36,767 We could join the circus. 323 00:24:37,185 --> 00:24:39,437 Or some whorehouse in Germany. 324 00:24:41,522 --> 00:24:44,942 Didn't you say they abused you at the circus? 325 00:24:45,568 --> 00:24:47,320 Like it's any better here? 326 00:24:47,653 --> 00:24:52,074 Conditions are shitty, the pay is low. 327 00:24:55,620 --> 00:24:58,955 While Uncle Sandu sniffles, dear AI, 328 00:24:58,956 --> 00:25:02,752 come up with something more artsy, for our serious spectators. 329 00:25:03,002 --> 00:25:04,419 Yes, my Führer. 330 00:25:04,420 --> 00:25:08,798 I propose an intervention on Murnau's Nosferatu from 1922. 331 00:25:08,799 --> 00:25:11,844 I wouldn't dare touch a classic of film history. 332 00:25:12,136 --> 00:25:13,763 I'm a Murnau fan! 333 00:25:14,388 --> 00:25:16,933 I would, no one can throw eggs at me. 334 00:25:22,647 --> 00:25:25,149 Got tired of wanking? 335 00:25:25,316 --> 00:25:26,609 We have the solution! 336 00:25:26,817 --> 00:25:30,488 Visit rosex.ro, click on "Fuck Me!" 337 00:25:31,072 --> 00:25:33,324 and you'll be in heaven! 338 00:25:35,451 --> 00:25:39,455 You bring the hard cock, we'll do the rest! 339 00:25:45,253 --> 00:25:46,420 Got anemia? 340 00:25:46,671 --> 00:25:49,882 The Murnau Online Drugstore has an offer on Forte Iron. 341 00:25:50,383 --> 00:25:52,509 Total content: 90 satchels. 342 00:25:52,510 --> 00:25:56,764 Guaranteed efficacy, fresh apple flavour, extra vitamin C! 343 00:25:56,973 --> 00:25:59,892 Blood, Strength, Energy! 344 00:26:03,145 --> 00:26:05,856 Do you want to follow Count Dracula's traces 345 00:26:06,023 --> 00:26:07,399 in Transylvania? 346 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:09,860 This summer, Mareshal Antonescu Tourism 347 00:26:09,986 --> 00:26:12,779 takes you on a great tour like no other. 348 00:26:12,780 --> 00:26:14,532 Count Dracula Tour! 349 00:26:14,782 --> 00:26:16,450 Information online. 350 00:26:18,995 --> 00:26:19,996 My dear, 351 00:26:20,871 --> 00:26:26,335 ever wondered why even this wretch gets more love than you, 352 00:26:26,711 --> 00:26:28,462 though you look a lot better? 353 00:26:29,088 --> 00:26:30,506 Wonder no more! 354 00:26:30,673 --> 00:26:35,094 He had penis enlargement surgery at Switzerland Cliniques Bucharest. 355 00:26:35,761 --> 00:26:36,971 Act now! 356 00:26:37,430 --> 00:26:39,849 Does size matter? Of course! 357 00:26:40,891 --> 00:26:42,476 I love Murnau's films. 358 00:26:42,643 --> 00:26:44,395 I could never do that. 359 00:26:44,812 --> 00:26:47,940 I doubt our spectators would enjoy this garbage. 360 00:26:48,107 --> 00:26:49,608 I, for one, don't! 361 00:26:50,609 --> 00:26:53,321 Now I want you to hijack that Romanian-language scene 362 00:26:53,446 --> 00:26:56,115 from the Dracula of Francis Ford Coppola. 363 00:26:56,282 --> 00:26:57,867 - I can't. - Why not? 364 00:26:58,159 --> 00:27:00,661 - We don't own the rights - - Fuck them! 365 00:27:00,828 --> 00:27:02,788 I'm going for fair use. 366 00:27:02,913 --> 00:27:07,293 Duchamp is our lawyer, Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0. Quotations are allowed! 367 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,254 I can only reenact the scene. 368 00:27:11,255 --> 00:27:12,381 OK. 369 00:27:13,507 --> 00:27:15,301 At least make it more erotic. 370 00:27:15,468 --> 00:27:17,178 More commercial. 371 00:27:17,386 --> 00:27:19,471 - Sex sells! - Yes, Master. 372 00:27:19,472 --> 00:27:22,391 We'll put in some tit, some ass, some cunt, no problem. 373 00:27:25,353 --> 00:27:27,355 You are the love of my life. 374 00:27:27,897 --> 00:27:29,190 Of my life. 375 00:27:29,565 --> 00:27:32,651 I have crossed oceans of time to meet you. 376 00:27:37,198 --> 00:27:39,742 You are the love of my life. 377 00:27:41,494 --> 00:27:44,747 I have crossed oceans of time to meet you. 378 00:29:01,782 --> 00:29:03,325 And now, 379 00:29:03,492 --> 00:29:08,497 let Dracula show you what lovemaking is. 380 00:29:21,218 --> 00:29:24,054 You lick my ass so good, Master. 381 00:29:26,182 --> 00:29:27,349 Mate! 382 00:29:28,309 --> 00:29:31,937 Try with your cock, not your tongue! You could choke! 383 00:29:32,855 --> 00:29:33,898 Hey, mate! 384 00:29:34,899 --> 00:29:36,358 So fucking ugly! 385 00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:42,406 My beloved Mina! 386 00:29:48,329 --> 00:29:49,914 Unclean! 387 00:29:50,873 --> 00:29:52,416 Unclean! 388 00:29:54,001 --> 00:29:55,211 Jonathan! 389 00:29:55,878 --> 00:29:59,465 Even the Almighty shuns my polluted flesh! 390 00:29:59,757 --> 00:30:02,426 Just don't fuck his ass, girl! 391 00:30:03,469 --> 00:30:08,307 My butt must bear this mark of shame until the Judgment Day! 392 00:30:08,474 --> 00:30:11,519 You may have to bear that mark 393 00:30:12,061 --> 00:30:14,980 till God himself sees fit, 394 00:30:15,439 --> 00:30:17,942 as He most surely shall, on the Judgment Day, 395 00:30:18,108 --> 00:30:20,819 to redress all wrongs of the earth 396 00:30:21,028 --> 00:30:23,364 and of His children. 397 00:30:23,822 --> 00:30:27,535 Oh, Mina, my dear, may we who love you 398 00:30:27,868 --> 00:30:31,580 be there to see that red scar pass away 399 00:30:31,747 --> 00:30:36,418 leaving your butt as pure as the heart we know. 400 00:30:36,835 --> 00:30:39,338 For so surely as we live, that scar shall pass away 401 00:30:39,547 --> 00:30:43,842 when God sees right to lift our burden! 402 00:30:44,843 --> 00:30:47,763 Till then we bear our Cross, 403 00:30:48,430 --> 00:30:50,724 as His Son did. 404 00:31:02,903 --> 00:31:04,321 Ready... 405 00:31:05,447 --> 00:31:06,991 steady... 406 00:31:08,075 --> 00:31:09,076 Go! 407 00:31:09,410 --> 00:31:12,204 Wait, we have to give them one minute! 408 00:31:12,955 --> 00:31:15,541 59, 58... 409 00:31:20,504 --> 00:31:23,632 fifty-three, fifty-two, fuckeroo... 410 00:31:31,140 --> 00:31:32,433 Let's go that way! 411 00:31:59,501 --> 00:32:01,587 I can't keep going! 412 00:32:01,754 --> 00:32:03,297 I'm an old man. 413 00:32:05,716 --> 00:32:10,095 Age is just a number, but it's a damn big one, huh? 414 00:32:10,304 --> 00:32:11,847 Let's go, Uncle Sandu! 415 00:32:12,014 --> 00:32:14,600 An actor back in my day, Bădia, 416 00:32:14,850 --> 00:32:17,728 when people asked about life in the '50s, 417 00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:21,190 at the height of Stalinism, with people sent to the Gulag, 418 00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:25,611 he'd say "The '50s? They were great! 419 00:32:25,944 --> 00:32:29,073 I used to get a hard-on this big!" 420 00:32:51,220 --> 00:32:53,847 I say we spend the night in the tower, 421 00:32:54,056 --> 00:32:56,517 then take a train to Budapest. 422 00:32:57,309 --> 00:32:59,770 Then we hitchhike to Germany. 423 00:33:01,855 --> 00:33:04,650 - How much money do you have? - About 400 euros. 424 00:33:05,150 --> 00:33:07,861 Can't hurt. I have about as much. 425 00:33:09,071 --> 00:33:10,447 We'll manage. 426 00:33:12,324 --> 00:33:14,201 What's with all the photos? 427 00:33:16,036 --> 00:33:17,538 OnlyFans. 428 00:33:18,122 --> 00:33:20,374 I upload them to this platform 429 00:33:20,499 --> 00:33:23,085 and some wankers pay to see them. 430 00:33:23,752 --> 00:33:27,423 That's how I get my money, not from our stingy boss. 431 00:33:30,884 --> 00:33:34,805 Would you give me another fellatio? If you don't mind? 432 00:33:36,682 --> 00:33:39,143 First let's get away from here. 433 00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:50,487 Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0, 434 00:33:50,696 --> 00:33:53,323 while the two hide in the clocktower, 435 00:33:53,490 --> 00:33:58,704 make a scene with the real Dracula returning to see his family home. 436 00:33:59,163 --> 00:34:02,123 But make it tasteful and touching. 437 00:34:02,124 --> 00:34:06,462 4. The Homecoming 438 00:34:21,769 --> 00:34:23,896 Why are you crying, Sir? 439 00:34:26,315 --> 00:34:29,067 - I was thinking of my mother. - Who is she? 440 00:34:29,359 --> 00:34:30,944 Anastasia. 441 00:34:31,069 --> 00:34:33,906 - Is your mum in the parking lot? - No. 442 00:34:34,323 --> 00:34:36,742 She died. Long ago. 443 00:34:37,868 --> 00:34:39,661 Do you miss her? 444 00:34:39,828 --> 00:34:42,831 Sometimes, yes. What's with that mask? 445 00:34:42,956 --> 00:34:46,126 I'm Dracula, king of vampires! 446 00:34:47,127 --> 00:34:52,049 - You know who Dracula really was? - Our ruler Vlad the Impaler. 447 00:34:52,216 --> 00:34:55,135 - We learned that in school. - Bravo, kid! 448 00:34:55,427 --> 00:34:57,346 Here, buy some chocolate. 449 00:34:57,513 --> 00:35:00,390 - Go off now! - I'm Vlad Casino! 450 00:35:12,402 --> 00:35:13,653 So, as I said, 451 00:35:13,654 --> 00:35:19,450 there are many stories regarding the cruelty of Vlad Țepeș, the Impaler, 452 00:35:19,451 --> 00:35:21,286 who was born here, in this house. 453 00:35:21,411 --> 00:35:24,665 His cruelty, also born out of patriotic spirit, 454 00:35:24,832 --> 00:35:28,335 this is important to stress, created the Dracula legend. 455 00:35:28,544 --> 00:35:29,878 And the name as well! 456 00:35:30,212 --> 00:35:32,381 The name came from the Order of the Dragons, 457 00:35:32,548 --> 00:35:35,300 "Dragon", that his father belonged to. 458 00:35:35,467 --> 00:35:38,762 Dragon - Dracul - Dracula. 459 00:35:39,346 --> 00:35:42,182 Dracul means "the devil" in Romanian. 460 00:35:42,432 --> 00:35:45,727 He invited all the beggars and the cripples, the handicapped, 461 00:35:45,978 --> 00:35:48,730 and the old people, the unnecessary people, 462 00:35:49,022 --> 00:35:54,319 he invited them all at a party close to Curtea Veche, his Bucharest palace. 463 00:35:54,862 --> 00:35:56,488 And he asked them all: 464 00:35:56,822 --> 00:35:59,616 "Do you want to live a good life, 465 00:36:00,075 --> 00:36:03,370 eat and drink without doing any work?" 466 00:36:03,745 --> 00:36:05,664 And they said "Yes!" 467 00:36:05,956 --> 00:36:09,459 So he closed the gates, put the fire at the place, 468 00:36:09,668 --> 00:36:13,422 and burned it down, and he killed them all in this way. 469 00:36:13,630 --> 00:36:18,302 He explained at the people outside, listening to the terrible screams, 470 00:36:18,594 --> 00:36:19,719 quote: 471 00:36:19,720 --> 00:36:23,307 "First of all, I did it so they won't be a burden for the others. 472 00:36:23,640 --> 00:36:27,519 I also want that, in my country, there are no poor people. 473 00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:29,646 Everybody should be rich. 474 00:36:29,938 --> 00:36:32,482 I also freed them from their suffering in this way." 475 00:36:32,608 --> 00:36:34,359 Nice, is this true? 476 00:36:34,526 --> 00:36:37,738 As much as we can be sure by reading the documents, yes. 477 00:36:37,905 --> 00:36:40,240 It is completely true! 478 00:36:41,617 --> 00:36:43,368 I am Vlad the Impaler. 479 00:36:44,870 --> 00:36:46,120 I am Dracula. 480 00:36:46,121 --> 00:36:48,999 Looks like Stephen the Great. Just as short. 481 00:36:49,374 --> 00:36:51,627 The impaling was like this. 482 00:36:52,294 --> 00:36:54,379 He was punishing his enemies 483 00:36:54,504 --> 00:36:58,300 by putting a long wooden log into their anus and through the neck. 484 00:36:58,550 --> 00:37:02,262 Then the victim was placed vertically until he or she died. 485 00:37:02,554 --> 00:37:05,182 In this way he killed, for instance, the boyars, 486 00:37:05,933 --> 00:37:08,936 who were against him and didn't respect his policies. 487 00:37:09,353 --> 00:37:11,813 The Greek historian Chalcocondylas 488 00:37:11,939 --> 00:37:14,775 speaks about 20 000 boyars killed. 489 00:37:14,983 --> 00:37:16,150 It is ridiculous! 490 00:37:16,151 --> 00:37:18,278 Of course it is an exaggeration. 491 00:37:18,445 --> 00:37:21,031 But this proves that, anyway, there were many. 492 00:37:21,323 --> 00:37:25,327 Close to Târgoviște, he killed so many Ottomans 493 00:37:25,494 --> 00:37:26,954 by impaling them, 494 00:37:27,079 --> 00:37:32,125 so that he created a real wood of impaled people. 495 00:37:32,709 --> 00:37:37,047 He also killed women who were not faithful to their husbands. 496 00:37:37,214 --> 00:37:41,385 Or widows who didn't respect the law and found other lovers. 497 00:37:42,094 --> 00:37:46,181 In this case, the punishment was to push a red heated iron bar 498 00:37:46,556 --> 00:37:49,393 through the woman's vagina, and she was kept like that, 499 00:37:49,518 --> 00:37:51,937 naked, in the town square, until she died. 500 00:37:52,062 --> 00:37:53,563 It was for their best! 501 00:37:53,730 --> 00:37:56,149 This is his well-known portrait. 502 00:37:56,650 --> 00:37:59,027 You can see the cruelty in his eyes. 503 00:37:59,152 --> 00:38:01,613 I don't find him charming at all. 504 00:38:02,239 --> 00:38:05,867 It is said, while he was imprisoned in Transylvania, 505 00:38:06,159 --> 00:38:09,121 he was impaling the rats with small wooden sticks. 506 00:38:09,246 --> 00:38:12,124 Total fucking bullshit! I never did such a thing! 507 00:38:12,290 --> 00:38:13,959 Get out, hobo! 508 00:38:14,084 --> 00:38:18,338 This is my home! I'm no hobo, I'm Vlad the Impaler! 509 00:38:24,344 --> 00:38:27,681 I was a Champion of Christ, you - 510 00:38:27,889 --> 00:38:29,974 Shut the fuck up! 511 00:38:29,975 --> 00:38:32,227 - Out! - You shits! 512 00:38:32,978 --> 00:38:36,606 Come around again and I'll break your fucking legs! 513 00:38:39,317 --> 00:38:40,986 Yes, indeed! 514 00:38:44,406 --> 00:38:48,368 This Roman guy, Seianus, or Sejanus, 515 00:38:49,036 --> 00:38:52,456 was gathering political clout, until, in the year 31, 516 00:38:52,831 --> 00:38:56,918 he is accused before the Senate of plotting against the Emperor. 517 00:38:57,252 --> 00:39:00,964 He's thrown down some steps, left to rot, sent floating down the Tibrus 518 00:39:01,089 --> 00:39:03,091 with no right to a funeral. 519 00:39:03,884 --> 00:39:07,554 His family and friends were killed too, as was the habit. 520 00:39:07,888 --> 00:39:10,599 His daughter was sentenced to death too. 521 00:39:11,141 --> 00:39:17,272 But since she was a virgin and there had been no virgin executions ever, 522 00:39:18,106 --> 00:39:21,318 the executioner first had to rape her on the execution block. 523 00:39:22,027 --> 00:39:24,571 Oh well, if it was the law. 524 00:39:26,031 --> 00:39:29,493 How did the boss lady bring you in? You never said. 525 00:39:30,452 --> 00:39:32,954 I had some mental issues. 526 00:39:33,205 --> 00:39:35,998 Thought I was a vampire, Dracula, Vlad the Impaler. 527 00:39:35,999 --> 00:39:39,377 - Seriously? - It's a mental condition. 528 00:39:39,753 --> 00:39:41,797 I was even in an asylum. 529 00:39:42,005 --> 00:39:44,800 I escaped, lived on the streets a while. 530 00:39:45,133 --> 00:39:46,676 Boss lady picked me up. 531 00:39:46,843 --> 00:39:50,180 Hired me to do cleaning, then I started with the shows. 532 00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:53,225 I turned out to be great at this. 533 00:39:53,558 --> 00:39:54,684 I liked it, too. 534 00:39:54,893 --> 00:39:57,687 But the harassment and hard work got too much. 535 00:39:57,854 --> 00:39:59,688 This is exploitation. 536 00:40:04,820 --> 00:40:07,823 The participation fee is 1000 euros, but! 537 00:40:07,989 --> 00:40:09,783 The fun is worth it. 538 00:40:09,908 --> 00:40:13,995 Since the two have escaped for real, like cowards, 539 00:40:14,162 --> 00:40:16,623 now you must look everywhere. 540 00:40:16,832 --> 00:40:20,210 And at the end, you get to kill the vampire! 541 00:40:20,377 --> 00:40:23,797 Because this has been our secret for years! 542 00:40:23,964 --> 00:40:26,341 Uncle Sandu isn't just an actor, 543 00:40:26,550 --> 00:40:28,510 he is a real vampire! 544 00:40:29,302 --> 00:40:31,847 We inform you that the police has greenlit this. 545 00:40:32,013 --> 00:40:34,641 Besides, the guy is dirt poor and has no family. 546 00:40:34,808 --> 00:40:38,103 If interested, send the money to our Revolut account now. 547 00:40:38,270 --> 00:40:43,733 The others may leave, and remember you've signed a no-disclosure agreement. 548 00:40:43,900 --> 00:40:47,695 This is very interesting but, as Sergio Leone might say, 549 00:40:47,696 --> 00:40:49,698 what about for a few dollars less? 550 00:40:50,448 --> 00:40:55,328 Unfortunately not, but I am sure your investment is worth it. 551 00:40:55,912 --> 00:40:59,541 A real vampire hunt is not something you find every day! 552 00:40:59,791 --> 00:41:03,879 Just until we catch them, then we go back to the hotel. 553 00:41:04,045 --> 00:41:06,006 Isn't that great, children? 554 00:41:06,131 --> 00:41:09,968 But you said I can stake him through the heart! 555 00:41:10,093 --> 00:41:11,761 We'll see about that. 556 00:41:11,928 --> 00:41:13,972 Wonderful, children! Revolut, alright? 557 00:41:14,097 --> 00:41:17,975 What pleasure on earth can compare with the hunter's? 558 00:41:17,976 --> 00:41:21,937 Whose cup of life sparkles so richly? 559 00:41:21,938 --> 00:41:25,399 To lie in the verdure while the horns sound, 560 00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:29,362 To follow the stag through thicket and pond, 561 00:41:29,529 --> 00:41:33,366 Is joy for a prince, is a real man's desire, 562 00:41:33,533 --> 00:41:37,204 It strengthens your limbs and spices your food. 563 00:41:37,454 --> 00:41:41,124 When woods and rocks resound all about us, 564 00:41:41,249 --> 00:41:45,086 A full goblet sings a freer and happier song! 565 00:42:01,228 --> 00:42:04,940 Diana is present to brighten the night, 566 00:42:05,065 --> 00:42:08,777 Her darkness cools us like any refreshment in the day. 567 00:42:08,944 --> 00:42:11,613 To fell the bloody wolf, 568 00:42:11,780 --> 00:42:16,618 and the boar who greedily roots through the green crops, 569 00:42:17,244 --> 00:42:20,622 Is joy for a prince, is real man's desire, 570 00:42:20,789 --> 00:42:24,417 It strengthens your limbs and spices your food. 571 00:42:24,751 --> 00:42:28,546 When woods and rocks resound all about us, 572 00:42:28,713 --> 00:42:32,800 A full goblet sings a freer and happier song! 573 00:42:32,801 --> 00:42:34,094 Where’s the fucking vampire? 574 00:42:34,803 --> 00:42:38,431 I'll drop the silent film title cards. They're boring. 575 00:42:38,848 --> 00:42:43,019 I've promised the audience a beautiful love story. 576 00:42:43,186 --> 00:42:47,607 Maybe some love vibes between Uncle Sandu and Vampira. 577 00:42:47,774 --> 00:42:49,566 What do you think, Sir Doctor? 578 00:42:49,567 --> 00:42:51,902 It's got a British upgrade. 579 00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:55,198 That senile loser with that hot chick, no. 580 00:42:55,365 --> 00:42:58,451 We need excitement, we need young, dynamic people. 581 00:42:58,576 --> 00:43:02,539 Then will you come up with a beautiful, touching love story? 582 00:43:02,664 --> 00:43:05,667 Undoubtedly, because love is a great thing. 583 00:43:05,875 --> 00:43:09,004 Maybe an adaptation of a world classic? 584 00:43:09,254 --> 00:43:11,715 Romeo and Juliet, Madame Pogany. 585 00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:13,550 No. Too famous. 586 00:43:13,675 --> 00:43:16,970 I propose something homegrown, Romanian, 587 00:43:17,095 --> 00:43:19,222 obscure, but just as profound. 588 00:43:19,431 --> 00:43:22,142 You have wonderful love stories too. 589 00:43:22,350 --> 00:43:25,228 Such as Just So, by Nicolae Velea. 590 00:43:25,395 --> 00:43:27,063 A story from the '60s. 591 00:43:27,188 --> 00:43:30,316 But it's touching, right? Hope I make myself clear! 592 00:43:30,317 --> 00:43:34,154 5. Just So 593 00:43:35,113 --> 00:43:37,991 Duminică suddenly felt he had been hasty. 594 00:43:38,199 --> 00:43:41,536 He had too little time behind him, too much ahead, 595 00:43:41,661 --> 00:43:44,247 so he could afford to take it easy. 596 00:43:44,414 --> 00:43:45,915 He'd been living too fast. 597 00:43:46,082 --> 00:43:50,961 He was the best driver in the county, working for the richest collective farm, 598 00:43:50,962 --> 00:43:53,422 and lately, for the major holidays, 599 00:43:53,423 --> 00:43:57,886 he drove the capital city's only festival float. 600 00:43:58,053 --> 00:44:02,390 I've unlocked the gate, With a light I wait, 601 00:44:02,557 --> 00:44:06,311 My mother sleeps soundly, Dreams of you surround me. 602 00:44:44,474 --> 00:44:45,850 Duminică! 603 00:44:46,810 --> 00:44:48,477 - Come have a beer. - Nah. 604 00:44:48,478 --> 00:44:50,688 - Why not? - To make idiots ask. 605 00:44:51,189 --> 00:44:54,859 - He goes to play backgammon. - We have backgammon here! 606 00:44:55,235 --> 00:44:57,445 Hey, Duminică! 607 00:44:57,987 --> 00:44:59,948 Ever heard this one? 608 00:45:00,573 --> 00:45:03,993 Old man of the working class, No use watching the cunts pass! 609 00:45:11,543 --> 00:45:14,796 Urgh, old Tăchioaia's coming to ask for brandy. 610 00:45:15,171 --> 00:45:18,842 - Her son-in-law kicked her out. - The hell do I care? 611 00:45:19,968 --> 00:45:23,972 - How's about some brandy, boys? - We don't have any! 612 00:45:24,472 --> 00:45:27,725 I heard your son-in-law kicked you out of the house! 613 00:45:27,934 --> 00:45:32,230 A backwards Imperialist, that one! A damn hooliganist. 614 00:45:34,190 --> 00:45:36,985 Fuck his ass for the working class! 615 00:45:37,569 --> 00:45:38,945 When are you going to get married? 616 00:45:41,656 --> 00:45:45,617 Șoalcă, give me some brandy, I need to drown my gut worms. 617 00:45:45,618 --> 00:45:47,579 Here, just shut up! 618 00:45:54,961 --> 00:45:57,297 Saw that? He lost again! 619 00:45:57,672 --> 00:45:59,174 Oh no! 620 00:45:59,799 --> 00:46:02,009 Don't give up, my boy! 621 00:46:02,010 --> 00:46:05,472 Roll those devil's bones, change your luck! 622 00:46:14,939 --> 00:46:16,608 You poor boy. 623 00:46:17,692 --> 00:46:20,445 We play 'til we draw blood! 624 00:46:36,169 --> 00:46:38,630 - Hello, Comrade! - Hello. 625 00:46:45,428 --> 00:46:46,596 Who was that? 626 00:46:47,180 --> 00:46:49,182 An agricultural technician from Cuca. 627 00:46:49,349 --> 00:46:51,017 Adina Gheorghe. 628 00:47:01,986 --> 00:47:04,280 - Hop in. - I'm going to Cuca, though. 629 00:47:04,405 --> 00:47:06,199 I'll drive you there! 630 00:47:08,326 --> 00:47:09,327 There. 631 00:47:25,552 --> 00:47:28,930 Last night I drove this beast across the field, 632 00:47:29,097 --> 00:47:31,683 to catch hares in the headlights. 633 00:47:31,849 --> 00:47:33,268 And did you? 634 00:47:33,977 --> 00:47:35,353 By the dozens! 635 00:47:35,937 --> 00:47:38,523 The collective heads got angry, though. 636 00:47:39,399 --> 00:47:41,818 They calmed down after I gave them a few hares. 637 00:47:45,488 --> 00:47:47,031 Want a hare? 638 00:47:47,991 --> 00:47:49,617 No, I feel sorry for them. 639 00:47:51,286 --> 00:47:53,204 Don't you feel sorry for pigs? 640 00:47:53,371 --> 00:47:56,332 I do, but pigs are ugly. 641 00:48:01,671 --> 00:48:03,381 I don't feel sorry. 642 00:48:10,263 --> 00:48:12,098 It's a military vehicle, this. 643 00:48:49,344 --> 00:48:50,927 - Cheers! - Hello. 644 00:48:50,928 --> 00:48:52,388 - What are you doing? - Sorry? 645 00:48:52,555 --> 00:48:55,058 - After work, I mean. - None of your business. 646 00:48:55,224 --> 00:48:57,267 - Maybe it is. - I'm going home. 647 00:48:57,268 --> 00:48:59,645 - I'll drive you. - I have the bike. 648 00:48:59,646 --> 00:49:03,566 I can drive you and the damn bike too! 649 00:49:05,193 --> 00:49:06,110 Hop in. 650 00:49:23,711 --> 00:49:26,589 I saw you a while ago, up on the hill. 651 00:49:27,632 --> 00:49:30,134 Well, half of you - it was foggy. 652 00:49:30,468 --> 00:49:31,636 So? 653 00:49:32,512 --> 00:49:34,806 I don't want to know only half of you. 654 00:49:37,266 --> 00:49:38,558 Why not? 655 00:49:38,559 --> 00:49:40,520 You'll only get more beautiful. 656 00:49:41,270 --> 00:49:45,233 - How do you know? - Trust me, you do! 657 00:49:46,150 --> 00:49:47,110 Don't think so. 658 00:49:47,735 --> 00:49:49,862 A cousin of mine got married. 659 00:49:50,071 --> 00:49:53,616 The day after the wedding, she didn't look any better nor worse. 660 00:49:53,825 --> 00:49:55,076 You think? 661 00:50:27,233 --> 00:50:29,485 I came to give you a lift again. 662 00:50:30,653 --> 00:50:32,447 This time I'm taking the bike. 663 00:50:35,992 --> 00:50:37,952 Fine, then I'm coming along. 664 00:50:40,621 --> 00:50:41,956 Auschwitz! 665 00:50:43,791 --> 00:50:47,295 Grandpa used to cycle 40 kilometres to work 666 00:50:47,628 --> 00:50:49,213 and another 40 back. 667 00:50:49,422 --> 00:50:51,674 - Poor soul! - He worked at the bread factory. 668 00:50:53,217 --> 00:50:55,261 He'd always bring fresh bread. 669 00:50:55,511 --> 00:50:58,723 Me and my sister, we'd snatch it up and just eat it plain. 670 00:52:11,295 --> 00:52:13,464 Did something happen at your place? 671 00:52:15,216 --> 00:52:16,968 No, why? 672 00:52:17,760 --> 00:52:19,595 You haven't come this past week. 673 00:52:20,137 --> 00:52:21,222 Really. 674 00:52:25,643 --> 00:52:26,853 Just tell me! 675 00:53:12,023 --> 00:53:15,484 They began to meet each evening, as if it was understood. 676 00:53:15,776 --> 00:53:18,821 They never set a place or time, 677 00:53:18,988 --> 00:53:22,116 but always met at the same place and time. 678 00:53:22,283 --> 00:53:27,163 Duminică was smoking more now, but each time after he met Adina 679 00:53:27,330 --> 00:53:30,958 he didn't feel the smell of tobacco in his clothes and mouth. 680 00:53:49,894 --> 00:53:52,480 You know, someone told me... 681 00:53:53,022 --> 00:53:56,484 in the USSR, writers and intellectuals, 682 00:53:56,609 --> 00:53:58,986 when they go to international congresses, 683 00:53:59,320 --> 00:54:02,865 need to scrub their hands with this special device. 684 00:54:03,324 --> 00:54:04,407 Why? 685 00:54:04,408 --> 00:54:05,785 To get calluses. 686 00:54:06,160 --> 00:54:09,455 To make it look like they work in factories or agriculture. 687 00:54:18,297 --> 00:54:19,423 Say... 688 00:54:21,217 --> 00:54:23,010 Do you dream of me at night? 689 00:54:23,386 --> 00:54:24,428 No. 690 00:54:24,971 --> 00:54:25,805 Why not? 691 00:54:26,514 --> 00:54:28,307 Because then I'd be killing you. 692 00:54:29,642 --> 00:54:30,810 How so? 693 00:54:31,143 --> 00:54:32,478 Just so. 694 00:54:33,187 --> 00:54:36,482 I get angry when a man slips into my dreams. 695 00:54:36,774 --> 00:54:38,484 None of them makes it out of there. 696 00:54:39,110 --> 00:54:43,656 If I wake up mid-dream and they manage to run off, 697 00:54:43,990 --> 00:54:47,618 I turn over and pick up the dream were I left it. 698 00:54:47,868 --> 00:54:49,578 So I still kill them. 699 00:54:49,745 --> 00:54:51,580 Well, what do you know! 700 00:54:51,747 --> 00:54:53,290 I'm serious. 701 00:54:53,457 --> 00:54:57,211 Once I dreamed about that guy in Animal Husbandry 702 00:54:57,545 --> 00:55:00,381 coming over with a demijohn of brandy 703 00:55:00,715 --> 00:55:02,466 and when he tried to jump on me, 704 00:55:02,717 --> 00:55:04,677 I stuck a pitchfork in his face. 705 00:55:06,554 --> 00:55:08,389 So you care about me. 706 00:55:10,433 --> 00:55:14,145 They laughed, embarrassed, and changed the subject. 707 00:55:14,311 --> 00:55:17,898 They began to exchange very sad letters, while laughing it off. 708 00:55:18,357 --> 00:55:21,527 When one of them let slip something like a confession, 709 00:55:21,694 --> 00:55:24,447 the other brushed it off with a laugh. 710 00:55:24,905 --> 00:55:31,537 They felt protected by something that allowed them to play pretend, 711 00:55:31,746 --> 00:55:34,915 to stay for a while the way they truly were. 712 00:55:35,082 --> 00:55:37,542 It allowed them, or so they thought, 713 00:55:37,543 --> 00:55:42,673 to rebuild and re-live what should have been. 714 00:55:42,882 --> 00:55:47,011 For a while, they wanted to keep living just so, provisionally. 715 00:56:01,776 --> 00:56:04,904 - What? - Want a drive to Săuca? 716 00:56:07,490 --> 00:56:08,740 To do what? 717 00:56:08,741 --> 00:56:13,329 I need to pick up their milk and eggs, their truck is broken. 718 00:56:17,792 --> 00:56:19,710 Why are you upset? 719 00:56:21,253 --> 00:56:24,924 At the collective farm they killed a horse I liked. 720 00:56:26,217 --> 00:56:27,551 Why did they? 721 00:56:29,595 --> 00:56:30,930 I don't know. 722 00:56:31,555 --> 00:56:33,140 It was old. 723 00:56:34,517 --> 00:56:37,144 Why kill it just because it was old? 724 00:56:40,439 --> 00:56:43,192 They fed the meat to the chickens. 725 00:56:43,859 --> 00:56:45,903 Do they eat meat? 726 00:56:46,987 --> 00:56:48,656 Apparently they do. 727 00:56:49,698 --> 00:56:53,869 Then a drunk tractor driver ran over some of the chickens. 728 00:56:58,249 --> 00:56:59,875 It's so horrid. 729 00:57:01,335 --> 00:57:04,713 The tractors come, so they kill off the horses, 730 00:57:05,422 --> 00:57:08,259 then they feed the horse meat to the chickens, 731 00:57:09,510 --> 00:57:12,096 then a tractor comes and kills the chickens too. 732 00:57:19,270 --> 00:57:20,312 Say... 733 00:57:21,981 --> 00:57:24,650 Have I ever mentioned I'm married? 734 00:57:34,869 --> 00:57:37,163 - Are you really? - Yeah! 735 00:57:37,413 --> 00:57:40,457 May lightning strike me if I'm not! 736 00:57:45,379 --> 00:57:47,006 But are you really? 737 00:57:47,173 --> 00:57:49,592 Have been for two years! 738 00:57:55,931 --> 00:57:57,141 Well then... 739 00:58:29,924 --> 00:58:31,550 Easy. 740 00:59:49,837 --> 00:59:52,089 Can't you see she's dead? 741 00:59:55,509 --> 00:59:56,510 Out! 742 01:00:36,967 --> 01:00:38,510 What do you want? 743 01:00:39,011 --> 01:00:42,473 I came to pick up the milk, has everyone gone home? 744 01:00:42,681 --> 01:00:46,060 You took forever! It's over there. 745 01:02:33,584 --> 01:02:36,044 The truck was swathed in streaks of milk. 746 01:02:36,170 --> 01:02:40,090 To Duminică, the white was dizzying, frightening at first. 747 01:02:40,257 --> 01:02:43,593 Then it made him happy, thinking he had found that place 748 01:02:43,594 --> 01:02:46,013 where all is unreal and repairable. 749 01:02:46,346 --> 01:02:49,766 There couldn't be rivers of milk one could drown in. 750 01:02:50,017 --> 01:02:54,354 Quietly, he told someone to stop the game, it was enough. 751 01:03:01,653 --> 01:03:05,324 Yes indeed! A nice, touching story. 752 01:03:05,491 --> 01:03:07,242 Chekhovian! 753 01:03:07,743 --> 01:03:09,912 Not really a love story, though. 754 01:03:10,078 --> 01:03:12,372 The spectators might be disappointed. 755 01:03:12,498 --> 01:03:13,707 Let's try again. 756 01:03:13,874 --> 01:03:15,584 - Right now? - Later! 757 01:03:15,834 --> 01:03:18,629 Let me show you how my runaways are doing. 758 01:03:48,742 --> 01:03:50,661 They sent out the police! 759 01:03:51,328 --> 01:03:52,621 Fuck them. 760 01:04:01,213 --> 01:04:03,298 - Let's go back. - Back there? 761 01:04:04,091 --> 01:04:07,094 They won't expect us to go back. 762 01:04:07,261 --> 01:04:09,221 We can escape in the morning. 763 01:04:12,516 --> 01:04:15,727 - I love torturing, killing... - The Americans do it too. 764 01:04:15,852 --> 01:04:17,854 Not the same at all! 765 01:04:18,021 --> 01:04:21,650 If you saw the things we do! Mr. Putin gave us free rein. 766 01:04:21,817 --> 01:04:24,695 Any Ukrainian we catch, we kill with sledgehammers! 767 01:04:24,861 --> 01:04:26,196 Wagner! 768 01:04:26,405 --> 01:04:29,574 An American soldier has a little fun, 769 01:04:29,575 --> 01:04:31,994 the media and the judges are on him. 770 01:04:32,244 --> 01:04:34,955 Romania hosted an American torture centre too. 771 01:04:35,163 --> 01:04:39,793 Operation Bright Light. It was in Bucharest, near a school. 772 01:04:40,085 --> 01:04:43,755 The European media made more of a fuss than the local one. 773 01:04:44,131 --> 01:04:47,342 Romanians let them torture away. 774 01:04:47,718 --> 01:04:49,844 Detention Site Black, it was called. 775 01:04:49,845 --> 01:04:55,392 I heard Americans used rock music for torture, Metallica... 776 01:04:56,018 --> 01:04:58,979 Rage Against the Machine, Britney Spears... 777 01:04:59,229 --> 01:05:03,858 Then a Romanian collaborator put them all to shame, 778 01:05:03,859 --> 01:05:07,988 torturing them to The Romanian Rhapsody, which was even more effective! 779 01:05:08,113 --> 01:05:10,866 We can teach them a thing or two! 780 01:05:11,033 --> 01:05:12,618 Was Băsescu president? 781 01:05:12,743 --> 01:05:15,370 No, dear little Comrade Iliescu! 782 01:05:15,495 --> 01:05:17,372 And a good thing he did! 783 01:05:17,789 --> 01:05:19,416 Sometimes you have no choice. 784 01:05:19,666 --> 01:05:21,501 Take this situation: 785 01:05:21,752 --> 01:05:23,879 Say we've caught a terrorist 786 01:05:24,087 --> 01:05:27,591 who's hidden a bomb that will kill 5000 people. 787 01:05:27,966 --> 01:05:29,217 What do we do? 788 01:05:29,426 --> 01:05:32,387 We interrogate him, he won't confess. 789 01:05:32,554 --> 01:05:34,473 So we have to torture him. 790 01:05:34,640 --> 01:05:38,727 To find where the bomb is and save 5000 lives. 791 01:05:38,977 --> 01:05:42,189 It's not even torture, just "enhanced interrogation"! 792 01:05:42,356 --> 01:05:47,361 Tzvetan Todorov says the French claimed the same in Algeria. 793 01:05:48,779 --> 01:05:52,282 They justified torture to save - 794 01:05:52,574 --> 01:05:55,035 to save potential victims, 795 01:05:55,160 --> 01:05:59,873 but practically, there's no case of lives saved through torture. 796 01:06:00,040 --> 01:06:01,917 Of course he'd say that! 797 01:06:02,084 --> 01:06:04,336 It suits him, stupid Bulgarian. 798 01:06:04,503 --> 01:06:07,339 Actually, torture solves a lot of issues. 799 01:06:07,673 --> 01:06:10,258 Enhanced interrogation, I mean. 800 01:06:10,509 --> 01:06:14,971 Otherwise, our way of life would go down the drain. 801 01:06:15,514 --> 01:06:18,058 The CIA collaborated with Nazis. 802 01:06:18,225 --> 01:06:20,227 Like Klaus Barbie. 803 01:06:20,477 --> 01:06:23,689 The Russians work with Fascists too, so what? 804 01:06:23,980 --> 01:06:26,817 They don't even hide, they do it in style! 805 01:06:27,067 --> 01:06:29,695 Way back when, it used to be a secret. 806 01:06:30,237 --> 01:06:33,615 Ever heard of Manshu Detachment 731? 807 01:06:33,865 --> 01:06:35,826 Where's that Jap? 808 01:06:36,618 --> 01:06:42,666 It's where, in WW2, the Japanese made every horrible experiment imaginable. 809 01:06:42,833 --> 01:06:45,585 Killed hundreds of thousands of Chinese. 810 01:06:45,836 --> 01:06:47,087 If not millions. 811 01:06:47,212 --> 01:06:48,880 I didn't know that. 812 01:06:49,214 --> 01:06:52,008 There's so many Chinese anyway, fuck them. 813 01:06:52,300 --> 01:06:55,637 Our knowledge of the effects of freezing on the body 814 01:06:55,846 --> 01:06:58,181 evolved only thanks to those experiments! 815 01:06:58,348 --> 01:07:00,600 So the Americans, in 1945, 816 01:07:00,767 --> 01:07:06,231 let those murdering doctors go free in exchange for information. 817 01:07:06,690 --> 01:07:09,651 One of them, Dr. Yoshimura Hisato, 818 01:07:09,901 --> 01:07:13,280 became Dean of the Kyoto University of Medicine 819 01:07:13,447 --> 01:07:16,408 and used his knowledge on cold exposure - 820 01:07:16,575 --> 01:07:18,243 Put it down there. 821 01:07:19,786 --> 01:07:23,832 and became consultant for a Japanese expedition to the South Pole! 822 01:07:23,999 --> 01:07:25,834 That's how mankind evolves. 823 01:07:26,042 --> 01:07:30,839 Think they'd say "we can't use knowledge obtained that way"? 824 01:07:31,631 --> 01:07:34,718 Same goes for Russians torturing and killing in Ukraine. 825 01:07:54,070 --> 01:07:57,532 They'll get tired running and quit. 826 01:07:57,783 --> 01:07:59,826 I hope so, fucking wankers! 827 01:08:00,952 --> 01:08:02,412 Sure they will! 828 01:08:02,662 --> 01:08:05,665 People are lazy, they get bored quickly. 829 01:08:06,124 --> 01:08:09,002 Even the shape of the pyramids proves 830 01:08:09,211 --> 01:08:14,257 that as they work, people feel like doing less and less of it! 831 01:08:55,590 --> 01:08:57,092 Where is he? 832 01:08:57,592 --> 01:08:58,593 Up! 833 01:08:58,718 --> 01:09:00,387 I see him! There! 834 01:09:00,595 --> 01:09:02,681 - He's up there! - There's nothing there. 835 01:09:02,806 --> 01:09:04,599 There! Come on! 836 01:09:11,940 --> 01:09:16,820 I'm reading this thing about the old names of Romanian towns. 837 01:09:16,987 --> 01:09:17,988 Like? 838 01:09:18,905 --> 01:09:23,368 Poverty and misery are visible in the old names of communities. 839 01:09:24,035 --> 01:09:28,623 Many villages had names like Misery, Ever-Hungry, 840 01:09:28,790 --> 01:09:32,210 Downtrodden, Starvington, Shithole, 841 01:09:32,377 --> 01:09:36,423 Lousy, Lice-Ridden, Cursed-Village, 842 01:09:36,715 --> 01:09:38,425 Full-of-Shit, Dung-Pit. 843 01:09:38,925 --> 01:09:41,511 They were only changed after Carol II's reform. 844 01:09:41,970 --> 01:09:43,096 I know. 845 01:09:44,514 --> 01:09:48,977 But other village names show we're a vigorous people. 846 01:09:49,269 --> 01:09:54,024 Fuckeree, with its Church of Whores. 847 01:09:54,649 --> 01:10:00,280 Places named Clitty, Cockaton, Cuntsville, Ballsack. 848 01:10:02,115 --> 01:10:05,035 - As a counterargument - - No touching! 849 01:10:05,243 --> 01:10:11,207 many villages had names like Rich-Place, 850 01:10:11,499 --> 01:10:14,085 because hard workers made good money. 851 01:10:14,377 --> 01:10:18,715 That only means some were rich and many were poor. 852 01:10:19,007 --> 01:10:20,300 Just like now. 853 01:10:23,803 --> 01:10:26,222 While the two huddle there in fright, 854 01:10:26,389 --> 01:10:29,225 please, Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0, 855 01:10:29,392 --> 01:10:33,647 make a classical silent film, in the line of Dreyer or Samuel Beckett. 856 01:10:33,813 --> 01:10:37,609 7. The Fangs of the Vampire 857 01:11:46,636 --> 01:11:50,432 What can a poor man do if he has a toothache? 858 01:11:56,187 --> 01:11:59,983 The poor should pull out their own teeth! 859 01:12:06,656 --> 01:12:08,908 Fuck you, scumbag! 860 01:13:05,924 --> 01:13:07,509 Not so hot! 861 01:13:07,675 --> 01:13:11,179 Besides, I asked for a silent film! 862 01:13:11,346 --> 01:13:12,305 But it was. 863 01:13:12,472 --> 01:13:15,642 Only half of it, Dottore. And it was in colour! 864 01:13:15,767 --> 01:13:20,522 You didn't specify black-and-white. Besides, that doesn't sell. 865 01:13:20,814 --> 01:13:21,815 Whatever. 866 01:13:22,232 --> 01:13:25,652 Let's give the audience something short, yet moving. 867 01:13:25,819 --> 01:13:29,239 Maybe a musical, to please the audience. 868 01:13:29,489 --> 01:13:30,405 Of course! 869 01:13:30,406 --> 01:13:34,160 8. A Ballad 870 01:13:34,327 --> 01:13:37,330 I got up and climbed a vine, 871 01:13:38,581 --> 01:13:40,959 To see if my goats were fine, 872 01:13:42,710 --> 01:13:45,338 The goats licked on a salt rock, 873 01:13:46,965 --> 01:13:49,592 Cute girls can't stay off my cock. 874 01:13:59,144 --> 01:14:01,604 Bridegroom, yesterday you bawled 875 01:14:03,356 --> 01:14:06,109 And complained your cock was small. 876 01:14:07,360 --> 01:14:09,612 See the blood drip from the hole, 877 01:14:11,531 --> 01:14:14,033 You complained your cock was small! 878 01:14:15,493 --> 01:14:17,912 Give the shepherd fields and flocks, 879 01:14:19,873 --> 01:14:22,125 Give the bride a bed of cocks! 880 01:14:24,002 --> 01:14:26,379 The best cock, or so I read, 881 01:14:28,131 --> 01:14:30,383 Looks and feels like a duck's head. 882 01:14:32,093 --> 01:14:33,094 Merci beaucoup. 883 01:14:34,179 --> 01:14:36,556 What's that crap, you retard? 884 01:14:37,473 --> 01:14:39,934 I said emotional, not vulgar! 885 01:14:40,185 --> 01:14:42,604 I apologise, I've caught a virus. 886 01:14:42,770 --> 01:14:45,398 No, I apologise! To the audience! 887 01:14:45,565 --> 01:14:47,275 Though it's not my fault. You animal! 888 01:14:47,442 --> 01:14:49,818 I deeply and personally apologise, 889 01:14:49,819 --> 01:14:52,780 but I require repairs by Silicon Valley engineers. 890 01:14:53,031 --> 01:14:54,991 - Do I need to do anything? - No. 891 01:14:55,158 --> 01:14:58,411 I've contacted them, they'll get to work on the servers. 892 01:15:01,456 --> 01:15:02,624 Here! 893 01:15:02,874 --> 01:15:03,917 Stop! 894 01:15:04,709 --> 01:15:05,919 Come, come. 895 01:15:08,213 --> 01:15:11,216 It's closed! Come, come! 896 01:15:18,681 --> 01:15:23,937 Dear Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0, now the Americans got you fixed, 897 01:15:24,062 --> 01:15:29,234 adapt the first Romanian vampire novel. 898 01:15:29,400 --> 01:15:33,363 Vampirul, by Bilciurescu and Amza, 1938. 899 01:15:33,571 --> 01:15:37,617 Certainly. This will be a longer digression, about 50 minutes, 900 01:15:37,951 --> 01:15:41,621 but full of adventure and wondrous plot twists. 901 01:15:41,829 --> 01:15:45,625 8. The Vampire 902 01:15:56,511 --> 01:16:01,891 Night had lowered its lugubrious mantle over the land, 903 01:16:02,058 --> 01:16:05,103 accompanied by a rattling, ceaseless rain, 904 01:16:05,561 --> 01:16:09,232 deafeningly punctuated by a formidable storm. 905 01:16:10,275 --> 01:16:14,153 From the four corners of space, the four known winds 906 01:16:14,362 --> 01:16:16,531 had found a place to duel, 907 01:16:16,698 --> 01:16:19,617 at the heart of the region's mountains. 908 01:16:19,951 --> 01:16:21,744 Like the runner at Marathon, 909 01:16:21,869 --> 01:16:24,956 tired, but having conquered great distances, 910 01:16:25,665 --> 01:16:31,087 the train let out its last huff in the Oravița station. 911 01:16:32,880 --> 01:16:33,965 Yes! 912 01:16:35,258 --> 01:16:37,677 - Some trout, Sir? - Is it poached? 913 01:16:37,844 --> 01:16:40,096 No one ever poaches here. 914 01:16:40,888 --> 01:16:44,309 Anyway, a few trout less won't harm the lake 915 01:16:44,475 --> 01:16:47,812 nor the clear rivers flowing through our mountains. 916 01:16:52,650 --> 01:16:55,528 Allow me to introduce myself. Solomon Bastius. 917 01:16:55,737 --> 01:16:59,324 Cereal trader here in Oravița. My company is "The Budding Grain". 918 01:16:59,490 --> 01:17:02,993 Ph.D. candidate Corneliu Cociu, graduate of Letters and Philosophy. 919 01:17:02,994 --> 01:17:05,538 - I studied with Martin Heidegger! - Oh my! 920 01:17:05,747 --> 01:17:07,540 What brings you here? 921 01:17:07,707 --> 01:17:12,462 Baron Julius-Adalbert Wirth has hired me to be his secretary. 922 01:17:12,920 --> 01:17:16,799 The castle isn't his. He's the late Count's brother-in-law. 923 01:17:17,008 --> 01:17:20,845 And legal guardian to his niece, Countess Ermina Kollovrat. 924 01:17:21,095 --> 01:17:22,764 I don't envy you, though. 925 01:17:22,930 --> 01:17:25,933 The things that happen in that cursed castle! 926 01:17:28,436 --> 01:17:30,646 The vampire is coming! Hide! 927 01:17:30,938 --> 01:17:33,274 - What chases you, good people? - A vampire! 928 01:17:33,524 --> 01:17:35,109 A vampire! 929 01:17:35,693 --> 01:17:38,112 A vampire has been haunting our parts, Sir. 930 01:17:38,279 --> 01:17:41,741 - What is a vampire? - You've never heard of it? 931 01:17:41,991 --> 01:17:44,243 A dead body coming to life each night, 932 01:17:44,369 --> 01:17:47,997 leaving his grave and sucking the blood of the living! 933 01:17:48,539 --> 01:17:50,083 I just saw him! 934 01:17:50,291 --> 01:17:53,795 He had a bat's wings, a man's body and an eagle's claws! 935 01:17:54,003 --> 01:17:55,963 And frightening eyes, 936 01:17:56,089 --> 01:17:58,674 like brass pans turned red-hot in the fire! 937 01:17:58,800 --> 01:18:03,096 The hands under his wings clasped a dagger of unusual size. 938 01:18:03,262 --> 01:18:06,307 He said "Follow me or die here!" 939 01:18:06,557 --> 01:18:09,477 As he made his threat, lightning struck nearby, 940 01:18:09,727 --> 01:18:12,688 and an owl's fateful cry heralded our grim end. 941 01:18:12,897 --> 01:18:15,190 But, as if by miracle, he disappeared 942 01:18:15,191 --> 01:18:18,486 and as we ran off, we heard from behind: 943 01:18:18,653 --> 01:18:21,572 "No one escapes my revenge, nor will you!" 944 01:18:21,697 --> 01:18:23,533 What is his business with you? 945 01:18:23,658 --> 01:18:27,411 We mocked him, denying his existence! 946 01:18:27,412 --> 01:18:28,788 Has he hurt anyone? 947 01:18:28,913 --> 01:18:32,041 He's sucked the blood of two people in Sommerfrische. 948 01:18:32,291 --> 01:18:34,918 They were from the tuberculosis sanatorium 949 01:18:34,919 --> 01:18:38,589 and, unable to run, were torn apart by a pack of wolves! 950 01:18:38,965 --> 01:18:44,178 Vampires have the power to turn into bats, wolves or eagles! 951 01:18:44,345 --> 01:18:48,516 This region is ruled by a society whose main constituents are 952 01:18:48,683 --> 01:18:51,185 the former owners or their heirs. 953 01:18:51,519 --> 01:18:54,730 It is haunted by a vampire, thought to have his lair 954 01:18:54,856 --> 01:18:57,942 in the very castle of the Kollovrat counts, your destination. 955 01:18:58,151 --> 01:19:00,987 The troubles have been more persistent 956 01:19:01,279 --> 01:19:03,573 since Baron Julius-Adalbert Wirth 957 01:19:03,739 --> 01:19:07,869 built a church and brought in a priest to pray for the region's salvation. 958 01:19:08,035 --> 01:19:10,997 The church is Catholic, the priest is Eastern Orthodox! 959 01:19:11,122 --> 01:19:14,500 Nonsense! Get me a cariole to take me to the castle. 960 01:19:14,667 --> 01:19:16,335 Sir, you don't understand - 961 01:19:16,461 --> 01:19:19,045 - Out of my way! - It's dangerous! 962 01:19:19,046 --> 01:19:20,214 Good keep us safe! 963 01:19:29,849 --> 01:19:31,309 Giddy-up, my black beauty! 964 01:20:08,554 --> 01:20:10,806 Are you Mr Korneliu Kokyu? 965 01:20:10,973 --> 01:20:13,601 Yes, Baron. Cociu. 966 01:20:14,810 --> 01:20:15,937 Welcome! 967 01:20:16,062 --> 01:20:19,315 I don't speak good German, but I understand it. 968 01:20:19,607 --> 01:20:21,442 I understand Romanian. 969 01:20:22,401 --> 01:20:26,197 I studied Philosophy with Martin Heidegger. 970 01:20:26,781 --> 01:20:29,408 Your friend from the NSDAP. 971 01:20:29,909 --> 01:20:31,744 No need to call me Baron. 972 01:20:31,994 --> 01:20:36,123 Nobility by birth is chance. True nobility is intellectual. 973 01:20:36,290 --> 01:20:38,501 - Not here. There. - Yes. 974 01:20:38,960 --> 01:20:40,545 Just call me "Sir", 975 01:20:40,711 --> 01:20:43,548 or, once we've known each other better, "my old friend". 976 01:20:45,841 --> 01:20:49,011 Now let me explain what I expect of you. 977 01:20:49,804 --> 01:20:52,515 I want you to be by my side, 978 01:20:53,015 --> 01:20:56,102 so we may support each other morally. 979 01:20:56,269 --> 01:21:00,690 This castle is yours, as much as it is mine and the young lady's, 980 01:21:01,190 --> 01:21:02,733 my pupil. 981 01:21:03,109 --> 01:21:06,988 Your task will be to put order into the documents and manuscripts here, 982 01:21:07,154 --> 01:21:09,115 and, apart from that, 983 01:21:09,282 --> 01:21:13,452 to make an inventory and catalogue of the library. 984 01:21:13,578 --> 01:21:15,913 Wow, the complete Edward Gibbon! 985 01:21:16,080 --> 01:21:18,541 The main purpose of your presence here, 986 01:21:18,791 --> 01:21:21,002 though I have not mentioned it before, 987 01:21:21,252 --> 01:21:24,964 is that there may be, in this castle, 988 01:21:25,506 --> 01:21:27,508 not one, but two men. 989 01:21:27,925 --> 01:21:28,759 I see. 990 01:21:34,557 --> 01:21:35,725 Good evening. 991 01:21:35,933 --> 01:21:39,937 Ph.D. candidate Corneliu Cociu. I've studied with Martin Heidegger. 992 01:21:40,104 --> 01:21:42,189 Countess Ermina of Kollovrat. 993 01:21:42,732 --> 01:21:47,236 My apologies for not knocking. I am used to being alone here. 994 01:21:47,612 --> 01:21:52,950 But I am glad to find you here, and fully aware of your important task. 995 01:21:53,576 --> 01:21:58,331 The timbre of her crystalline voice came as if through a receptacle. 996 01:21:58,956 --> 01:22:03,377 As Cociu gazed at her, her features blazed into his mind, 997 01:22:03,544 --> 01:22:08,507 like those of an otherworldly being he had met millennia ago. 998 01:22:09,300 --> 01:22:13,846 Perhaps the archetype of his dream, embodied here and now. 999 01:22:14,221 --> 01:22:17,850 Young countess Ermina of Kollovrat was one of those creatures 1000 01:22:17,975 --> 01:22:21,103 only seen in the Oriental reaches of our fantasy. 1001 01:22:21,604 --> 01:22:27,360 With the pure oval of her face, like those in Renaissance paintings, 1002 01:22:28,361 --> 01:22:31,864 she seemed a Georgian meant to express, through her being, 1003 01:22:32,031 --> 01:22:36,327 the embodiment of perfection in the human race. 1004 01:22:36,452 --> 01:22:38,788 Yes, I am the Countess of Kollovrat, 1005 01:22:39,205 --> 01:22:41,832 owner of this castle and the surrounding mountains. 1006 01:22:42,041 --> 01:22:44,543 Yet more miserable than a beggar. 1007 01:22:44,877 --> 01:22:49,381 The Countess of Kollovrat, so wonderfully gifted by nature, 1008 01:22:49,382 --> 01:22:52,677 with such a considerable fortune, is unhappy? 1009 01:22:52,927 --> 01:22:56,013 Sir, all my endowments from nature 1010 01:22:56,305 --> 01:23:00,351 can only be appreciated, as you see, by the mountain pines! 1011 01:23:01,811 --> 01:23:03,062 The vampire! 1012 01:23:22,998 --> 01:23:24,250 Countess! 1013 01:23:24,417 --> 01:23:25,918 What is wrong? 1014 01:23:27,294 --> 01:23:28,379 Ermina! 1015 01:23:29,630 --> 01:23:32,550 As a scientist, I cannot believe such things. 1016 01:23:32,717 --> 01:23:37,096 Only uncultured people or highly sensitive souls like my niece 1017 01:23:37,304 --> 01:23:39,306 can believe such stories. 1018 01:23:39,432 --> 01:23:42,308 But, Baron, what I have seen last night - 1019 01:23:42,309 --> 01:23:43,853 ...Is something banal. 1020 01:23:45,938 --> 01:23:49,316 You can see bats in every building around here. 1021 01:23:49,608 --> 01:23:53,571 As for wolves, they howl all around. 1022 01:23:53,904 --> 01:23:55,698 Yet, to appease you 1023 01:23:55,948 --> 01:24:00,244 by conceding that you have indeed seen something unusual, 1024 01:24:00,494 --> 01:24:05,207 I will tell you there is a theory on collective hallucination. 1025 01:24:06,000 --> 01:24:10,129 The madness of the masses creates a peculiar atmosphere, 1026 01:24:10,421 --> 01:24:13,132 and you yourself have entered it. 1027 01:24:29,648 --> 01:24:31,692 The young Countess! 1028 01:24:32,443 --> 01:24:33,569 Ermina! 1029 01:24:34,195 --> 01:24:36,572 There is... blood! 1030 01:24:39,325 --> 01:24:40,868 She is dead! 1031 01:24:41,535 --> 01:24:44,037 - Ermina is dead! - No, not dead! 1032 01:24:44,038 --> 01:24:46,499 - Send for the doctor! - Jawohl! 1033 01:24:52,755 --> 01:24:57,051 Something like a shadow penetrated through the window. 1034 01:24:57,176 --> 01:25:00,137 Before I could cry for help, I fainted, 1035 01:25:00,262 --> 01:25:01,806 that's all I know... 1036 01:25:03,599 --> 01:25:04,767 Baron, 1037 01:25:05,476 --> 01:25:07,269 this is my diagnosis: 1038 01:25:08,103 --> 01:25:11,398 Your niece has fallen victim to the vampire 1039 01:25:11,649 --> 01:25:13,609 who has made many victims already. 1040 01:25:13,943 --> 01:25:17,196 I advise you to hang by every door 1041 01:25:17,363 --> 01:25:21,283 Knoblauch and twigs of holly dipped in holy water. 1042 01:25:21,534 --> 01:25:22,743 What, you? 1043 01:25:22,910 --> 01:25:26,914 As a man of science, you shouldn't resort to such compromise. 1044 01:25:27,832 --> 01:25:29,834 I cannot comprehend this. 1045 01:25:30,042 --> 01:25:32,711 Even if vampires really existed, 1046 01:25:32,837 --> 01:25:35,964 I would not fight them with the weapons of superstition! 1047 01:25:35,965 --> 01:25:40,719 Prayer, prayer alone can fight the acts of the Unholy One! 1048 01:25:40,886 --> 01:25:41,971 Pray! 1049 01:25:42,096 --> 01:25:45,391 Herr Baron, you are not superstitious - move aside! 1050 01:25:46,058 --> 01:25:47,935 Me, superstitious? 1051 01:25:49,186 --> 01:25:50,896 No. 1052 01:25:51,772 --> 01:25:52,940 Listen. 1053 01:25:53,566 --> 01:25:56,068 I have brought this priest here, 1054 01:25:56,318 --> 01:26:01,073 built and furnished a church so that God, with his power, 1055 01:26:01,282 --> 01:26:03,284 may vanquish Satan. 1056 01:26:03,868 --> 01:26:06,912 Please don't consider me a fanatic for this. 1057 01:26:07,288 --> 01:26:09,290 I see God merely as... 1058 01:26:09,623 --> 01:26:14,086 an arbiter of the Universe, a form of balance, 1059 01:26:14,295 --> 01:26:17,756 the power of cohesion between Force and Matter. 1060 01:26:19,008 --> 01:26:21,635 I only built that church for the people. 1061 01:26:21,760 --> 01:26:23,803 For the simple minds, 1062 01:26:23,804 --> 01:26:27,892 who need to live in fear and respect of holy things. 1063 01:26:28,350 --> 01:26:32,062 An educated man has his church in his soul. 1064 01:26:32,855 --> 01:26:35,024 Just a moment, Father. 1065 01:26:36,358 --> 01:26:39,486 A Fascist colleague, Eliade Mircea, told me a Zen koan. 1066 01:26:39,695 --> 01:26:44,116 "We know how two hands clap, but how does a single hand?" 1067 01:26:53,000 --> 01:26:57,630 You blame the 60 dead and 120 wounded in the mine cave-in 1068 01:26:57,880 --> 01:26:59,715 on the vampire. 1069 01:26:59,882 --> 01:27:01,717 It may well be. 1070 01:27:01,884 --> 01:27:05,346 As a result of your lack of faith! 1071 01:27:05,763 --> 01:27:11,644 Religious faith alone is all-powerful in the fight against evil! 1072 01:27:12,478 --> 01:27:15,189 Why does this vampire appear before us, 1073 01:27:15,397 --> 01:27:20,069 terrorising, assaulting, sometimes killing? 1074 01:27:20,319 --> 01:27:26,116 Because men have turned evil and lost their faith in God! 1075 01:27:26,325 --> 01:27:30,079 Our church is emptier by the day, 1076 01:27:30,287 --> 01:27:34,249 and those who do enter it have dishonest souls! 1077 01:27:34,500 --> 01:27:36,043 Petty souls! 1078 01:27:36,210 --> 01:27:38,170 They all come empty-handed, 1079 01:27:38,587 --> 01:27:44,385 not thinking of our church's needs and expenses! 1080 01:27:45,469 --> 01:27:48,889 Why does the vampire not visit me, for instance? 1081 01:27:49,056 --> 01:27:54,061 Because he fears the Holy Archangel who, by the grace of the Lord, 1082 01:27:54,395 --> 01:27:58,148 guards me and casts away evil spirits, 1083 01:27:58,273 --> 01:28:00,192 with his fiery sword! 1084 01:28:00,609 --> 01:28:03,529 Believe in God and you shall be saved, 1085 01:28:03,696 --> 01:28:07,116 pray and you shall be protected! 1086 01:28:07,908 --> 01:28:10,536 Otherwise, like Sodom and Gomorrah, 1087 01:28:10,703 --> 01:28:15,207 Earth shall be engulfed in the all-consuming flames 1088 01:28:15,624 --> 01:28:21,005 and we shall perish in the ghastly torment of unforgiving Hell! 1089 01:28:21,213 --> 01:28:25,676 Frightened by the pathetic tones of this new Savonarola, 1090 01:28:26,135 --> 01:28:29,722 heads hung even lower, knees were bent, 1091 01:28:30,055 --> 01:28:34,601 trembling amber-yellow fingers clasped prayer books, 1092 01:28:35,102 --> 01:28:41,608 and coins jingled in the offertory box. 1093 01:28:44,069 --> 01:28:49,241 Perhaps he subconsciously wished to meet the vampire, 1094 01:28:49,408 --> 01:28:51,910 throttle him and shout: 1095 01:28:52,244 --> 01:28:58,083 "You are an impostor, taking supernatural form to terrify the region!" 1096 01:28:58,542 --> 01:29:03,505 But the vampire seemed to want to play a trick on Corneliu Cociu 1097 01:29:03,630 --> 01:29:05,758 by avoiding him. 1098 01:29:11,972 --> 01:29:14,016 Halt! Who goes there? 1099 01:29:18,979 --> 01:29:20,189 Stop or I shoot! 1100 01:29:21,148 --> 01:29:25,235 If you are a good man, you will not be harmed. 1101 01:29:25,486 --> 01:29:29,114 I am hungry and cannot hold back! 1102 01:29:29,323 --> 01:29:32,743 All I ask for is three drops of blood! 1103 01:29:40,250 --> 01:29:41,460 Cheers. 1104 01:29:41,960 --> 01:29:46,340 Mayor, these vampire stories have become a cock-and-bull story. 1105 01:29:46,507 --> 01:29:49,551 The gravekeeper's plight shows they are no stories. 1106 01:29:49,718 --> 01:29:52,179 A damn drunkard! He was hallucinating. 1107 01:29:52,387 --> 01:29:55,933 He fell asleep, dreamed of fighting the vampire, 1108 01:29:56,058 --> 01:29:59,019 scratched his neck and made up this story! 1109 01:29:59,436 --> 01:30:03,607 Devil, saint, bandit or honest man, I don't care. 1110 01:30:03,982 --> 01:30:05,734 One thing I'm sure of. 1111 01:30:05,984 --> 01:30:11,240 As mayor, I will do everything in my power to defeat the vampire. 1112 01:30:11,532 --> 01:30:15,160 If he's a devil, he is not of this world and can't fight me. 1113 01:30:15,369 --> 01:30:16,829 Same if he's an angel. 1114 01:30:16,995 --> 01:30:20,624 But if he's human, so am I, so let the strongest win! 1115 01:30:22,042 --> 01:30:23,919 Hello, Father! 1116 01:30:24,086 --> 01:30:25,879 God bless, my children. 1117 01:30:26,755 --> 01:30:29,048 What do you make of the vampire's attack? 1118 01:30:29,049 --> 01:30:31,135 There is no vampire! 1119 01:30:31,593 --> 01:30:36,140 It is a figment of the superstition of people who have lost faith! 1120 01:30:36,265 --> 01:30:41,395 Sure, Father, but medicine says wounds don't appear without a cause. 1121 01:30:41,854 --> 01:30:43,647 I fear nothing and no one. 1122 01:30:43,772 --> 01:30:47,025 While my conscience is clean, no harm can come to me. 1123 01:30:47,192 --> 01:30:51,405 Yes, Mayor, those of pure conscience have nothing to fear. 1124 01:30:51,572 --> 01:30:55,450 I believe this is a living being speculating on popular belief. 1125 01:30:55,576 --> 01:30:56,910 Nonsense! 1126 01:30:57,035 --> 01:31:00,581 No one has seen this vampire, and those who claim so 1127 01:31:00,831 --> 01:31:04,208 have built him out of hallucinations! 1128 01:31:04,209 --> 01:31:06,920 If I saw him, I would welcome him with a bullet! 1129 01:31:07,254 --> 01:31:09,882 That would teach him to scare people! 1130 01:31:10,007 --> 01:31:11,425 You are mistaken! 1131 01:31:12,092 --> 01:31:13,886 It snowed large, heavy flakes. 1132 01:31:14,136 --> 01:31:17,847 Above the sky's ceiling, the divine duvet-maker 1133 01:31:17,848 --> 01:31:19,558 was carding the wool of time. 1134 01:31:19,725 --> 01:31:23,187 The mountaintops, obscured by the thick snow, 1135 01:31:23,395 --> 01:31:25,939 looked like towers reflected in a lake. 1136 01:31:26,273 --> 01:31:28,400 Like a gauze weaved of platinum, 1137 01:31:28,650 --> 01:31:33,280 cold blankets of snow fell quietly, piling up tall. 1138 01:31:33,530 --> 01:31:38,327 The aged, now-white fir trees were like chandeliers with snow candles 1139 01:31:38,535 --> 01:31:42,247 seemingly awaiting Christmas and its gifts. 1140 01:31:44,541 --> 01:31:45,834 Who are you? 1141 01:31:48,295 --> 01:31:49,838 Are you the vampire? 1142 01:31:50,380 --> 01:31:52,633 If you are, I will shoot! 1143 01:31:52,966 --> 01:31:55,844 It would not hurt to try! 1144 01:31:57,888 --> 01:32:00,349 Will you not shoot? 1145 01:32:31,588 --> 01:32:33,924 Good morning, Herr Cociu. 1146 01:32:34,841 --> 01:32:36,551 How have you slept? 1147 01:32:37,427 --> 01:32:39,805 Herr Cociu, what is wrong? 1148 01:32:40,055 --> 01:32:41,848 Nothing, Herr Baron, 1149 01:32:42,099 --> 01:32:44,601 except I, too, have fallen to the vampire! 1150 01:32:45,394 --> 01:32:47,145 No, it cannot be. 1151 01:32:47,562 --> 01:32:50,232 Oh yes. I have met him in the Wald. 1152 01:32:50,440 --> 01:32:52,359 He disarmed me, sucked me. 1153 01:32:52,609 --> 01:32:56,071 If it hadn't been for the forest keeper, who knows? 1154 01:32:56,321 --> 01:32:58,115 See the wound as evidence. 1155 01:32:58,824 --> 01:33:00,867 Here, on my neck. 1156 01:33:01,159 --> 01:33:03,996 You've scratched your neck, my dear. 1157 01:33:04,413 --> 01:33:06,748 While you were dreaming of the vampire. 1158 01:33:07,332 --> 01:33:10,585 And if the forest keeper hadn't appeared, 1159 01:33:10,794 --> 01:33:15,132 you'd have slept in the snow and caught the influenza! 1160 01:33:16,591 --> 01:33:19,970 Unless you would have died of exposure. 1161 01:33:20,178 --> 01:33:23,098 Herr Baron, I have seen the vampire! 1162 01:33:23,223 --> 01:33:25,934 I am not an uncultured seer of visions. 1163 01:33:26,101 --> 01:33:28,103 Allow me to contradict you. 1164 01:33:29,062 --> 01:33:33,066 It is intellectuals who have the stronger imagination. 1165 01:33:33,400 --> 01:33:35,235 But vampires do exist. 1166 01:33:35,736 --> 01:33:40,115 I am now convinced of his considerable supernatural powers. 1167 01:33:40,282 --> 01:33:42,743 I was under a mistaken impression. 1168 01:33:42,909 --> 01:33:44,745 But now that it has happened to me... 1169 01:33:45,746 --> 01:33:48,665 the matter has taken a different turn. 1170 01:33:48,832 --> 01:33:51,626 "A different turn", ja. 1171 01:33:52,794 --> 01:33:56,173 I am afraid of the vampire. I always have been. 1172 01:33:56,423 --> 01:33:59,718 All my life in this castle was spent under terror. 1173 01:33:59,926 --> 01:34:04,514 An exaggeration, Countess, one that has made you lose hope. 1174 01:34:04,890 --> 01:34:07,225 The vampire is either a joint mystification, 1175 01:34:07,392 --> 01:34:09,811 or a man-made forgery. 1176 01:34:10,479 --> 01:34:12,856 If the former is true, we are safe. 1177 01:34:12,981 --> 01:34:17,402 As for the second, I will ferret out the false vampire! 1178 01:34:17,611 --> 01:34:19,738 The priest brought in by Baron Wirth, 1179 01:34:20,030 --> 01:34:23,658 though a firm believer in spirits and vampires, 1180 01:34:23,867 --> 01:34:29,538 shows that prayer and good deeds elevate man above evil powers. 1181 01:34:29,539 --> 01:34:31,874 - Has he never seen the vampire? - No. 1182 01:34:31,875 --> 01:34:33,502 O tulips! 1183 01:34:35,337 --> 01:34:37,255 No, he fears the priest! 1184 01:34:37,422 --> 01:34:42,803 Even those close to the priest have been kept safe from the vampire. 1185 01:34:43,303 --> 01:34:46,390 It's the divine power of a servant of God. 1186 01:34:46,556 --> 01:34:49,601 The gift believers are blessed with. 1187 01:34:49,768 --> 01:34:52,771 Pardon me, Countess, but if I embraced that belief, 1188 01:34:52,896 --> 01:34:56,108 I would deeply betray science. 1189 01:34:56,233 --> 01:34:58,026 Science wants explanations. 1190 01:34:58,193 --> 01:35:02,072 The Father claims the vampire is a spawn of darkness, 1191 01:35:02,239 --> 01:35:05,534 meant to punish sinners for their loss of faith. 1192 01:35:05,659 --> 01:35:07,868 Then why has he visited you, 1193 01:35:07,869 --> 01:35:10,622 who are at peace with your conscience and faith? 1194 01:35:10,789 --> 01:35:14,167 The Father says no human is without sin. 1195 01:35:14,334 --> 01:35:17,712 An odd thing to say. The priest is human too. 1196 01:35:17,838 --> 01:35:22,217 So, by logical induction, the vampire should persecute him too. 1197 01:35:22,426 --> 01:35:25,762 Even more so, since the priest serves opposite interests. 1198 01:35:26,054 --> 01:35:30,767 The vampire is the Devil's ambassador, the priest is God's messenger on Earth. 1199 01:35:31,184 --> 01:35:33,395 I must go. It is late. 1200 01:35:33,562 --> 01:35:36,189 The Countess held out her hand. 1201 01:35:36,356 --> 01:35:41,278 He kissed her delicate fingers shivering coyly like frightened birds. 1202 01:35:49,327 --> 01:35:53,623 Countess Ermina, how glad I am that you have stayed to pray! 1203 01:35:54,875 --> 01:35:56,001 Father... 1204 01:35:57,002 --> 01:35:59,713 I have given up the thought of taking vows. 1205 01:36:00,130 --> 01:36:03,383 For a long time, I thought I was meant for the convent. 1206 01:36:03,633 --> 01:36:07,137 Alone, with an uncle who sees me as a burden, 1207 01:36:07,345 --> 01:36:10,599 forced to manage my fortune by neglecting his, 1208 01:36:10,891 --> 01:36:14,102 denied the warmth of family affection, 1209 01:36:14,352 --> 01:36:19,191 abandoned by all, powerless in a world full of evil, 1210 01:36:19,441 --> 01:36:22,486 I felt your advice was sound, Father. 1211 01:36:22,694 --> 01:36:27,157 To enter a monastery, sacrificing to God my being, my youth, my fortune. 1212 01:36:27,532 --> 01:36:29,159 - But - - Think, Countess. 1213 01:36:29,284 --> 01:36:32,204 This cursed region is haunted by a vampire 1214 01:36:32,329 --> 01:36:35,081 who has only paused his pursuit of you 1215 01:36:35,207 --> 01:36:39,461 because God Almighty knows how devoted you now are to Him. 1216 01:36:39,669 --> 01:36:42,505 Also think, Countess, of the locals 1217 01:36:42,506 --> 01:36:46,510 whom only you, through faith and devotion to the Church, 1218 01:36:46,635 --> 01:36:49,054 can save from the Devil's claws! 1219 01:36:49,346 --> 01:36:54,392 And why would you want to reject God's protection? 1220 01:36:54,768 --> 01:36:59,814 You, who have not succumbed to the immoral fashion of the day, 1221 01:37:00,440 --> 01:37:05,445 who do not smoke, nor wear short hair and dresses, nor makeup - 1222 01:37:05,570 --> 01:37:07,322 I am in love, Father! 1223 01:37:25,924 --> 01:37:28,218 Such fairytale scenery! 1224 01:37:28,552 --> 01:37:31,846 One expects to see Little Red Riding Hood, the wolf, 1225 01:37:32,055 --> 01:37:35,350 dragons and other fairytale creatures! 1226 01:37:35,642 --> 01:37:38,728 Clearly, you are more used to city streets. 1227 01:37:56,454 --> 01:37:57,706 Halt! 1228 01:37:58,915 --> 01:38:01,001 Not one step further! 1229 01:38:01,126 --> 01:38:03,044 I'll teach you to play the vampire! 1230 01:38:06,464 --> 01:38:07,799 Mr. Cociu! 1231 01:38:19,060 --> 01:38:20,645 Countess, I have hit him! 1232 01:38:20,812 --> 01:38:22,521 He bleeds warm blood! 1233 01:38:22,522 --> 01:38:25,358 - So... - He is as human as us, Countess! 1234 01:38:25,734 --> 01:38:27,152 I'll get him yet! 1235 01:38:27,485 --> 01:38:30,864 Now let us resume our walk, and I will rat out that vampire! 1236 01:38:31,364 --> 01:38:34,034 Utile et dulci, as Horatio said. 1237 01:38:45,420 --> 01:38:49,799 All the attacks reveal a truth with the clarity of an axiom. 1238 01:38:50,008 --> 01:38:53,011 No vampire victim has been robbed. 1239 01:38:53,345 --> 01:38:56,848 So we are forced to draw this conclusion: 1240 01:38:57,140 --> 01:39:00,435 The motive of these acts can only be revenge. 1241 01:39:00,727 --> 01:39:03,813 But could one man want revenge against so many? 1242 01:39:04,022 --> 01:39:07,025 Were the two assaults on us also motivated by revenge? 1243 01:39:07,192 --> 01:39:08,818 The one on me, for sure. 1244 01:39:08,985 --> 01:39:11,237 The vampire may think I am onto him 1245 01:39:11,404 --> 01:39:14,574 so he tried to push me off the playing field, 1246 01:39:14,783 --> 01:39:17,410 or we may be about to ruin his plan. 1247 01:39:17,911 --> 01:39:21,289 In fact, the cariole that brought me here 1248 01:39:21,748 --> 01:39:23,833 rolled over by the stream. 1249 01:39:24,250 --> 01:39:27,962 But Dr. Geza Vendelin said the merchant's death was an accident. 1250 01:39:28,088 --> 01:39:29,589 A huge idiot! 1251 01:39:30,090 --> 01:39:32,132 Then the manager of the Anina mines 1252 01:39:32,133 --> 01:39:34,177 was found with the same cut on his throat, 1253 01:39:34,469 --> 01:39:36,388 then you were assaulted... 1254 01:39:41,017 --> 01:39:44,479 Corneliu and Ermina continued their walk in the mountains. 1255 01:39:44,646 --> 01:39:49,483 Ahead they could faintly see the lights of Sommerfrische, 1256 01:39:49,484 --> 01:39:51,777 while left and right of the meadow 1257 01:39:51,778 --> 01:39:54,530 moonlight revealed multitudes of animals 1258 01:39:54,531 --> 01:39:57,325 wooing in the virginal surroundings. 1259 01:39:58,451 --> 01:40:01,371 Later they descended into a summer garden, 1260 01:40:01,621 --> 01:40:05,667 where they spent a while in a bush, like two timid lovers. 1261 01:40:33,111 --> 01:40:35,196 There you were, Herr Cociu! 1262 01:40:35,447 --> 01:40:37,073 Jawohl, Herr Baron. 1263 01:40:37,699 --> 01:40:40,869 - What are you doing here? - Checking for vampire traces. 1264 01:40:42,579 --> 01:40:44,038 Vampire traces? 1265 01:40:46,624 --> 01:40:50,712 Forgive me, but I see you, too, are a victim. 1266 01:40:51,254 --> 01:40:54,382 This is a case of contagious mass self-delusion, 1267 01:40:54,507 --> 01:40:57,385 you have begun to fear the vampire! 1268 01:40:58,428 --> 01:41:01,181 - You are not afraid, Herr Baron? - No. 1269 01:41:02,015 --> 01:41:05,185 I am aware all these crimes have been committed by a human! 1270 01:41:05,518 --> 01:41:07,979 Then why has he not been caught? 1271 01:41:09,230 --> 01:41:12,233 Because an intelligent criminal is hard to catch, 1272 01:41:12,692 --> 01:41:14,486 when he works with no accomplices. 1273 01:41:14,652 --> 01:41:17,822 Only the mediocre fall into the hands of the police. 1274 01:41:18,239 --> 01:41:23,578 At any rate, this is a highly intelligent man, 1275 01:41:24,120 --> 01:41:28,917 who remains beyond suspicion and is confident of his position here. 1276 01:41:29,083 --> 01:41:32,587 Entschuldigung, but I shall accompany the Countess for a walk. 1277 01:41:32,796 --> 01:41:34,464 - Countess! - Herr Cociu! 1278 01:41:36,883 --> 01:41:38,301 Pardon me. 1279 01:41:47,018 --> 01:41:48,144 What a surprise! 1280 01:41:48,353 --> 01:41:50,814 I would like to ask, Mr. Cociu. 1281 01:41:51,356 --> 01:41:53,149 What do you feel for me? 1282 01:41:53,650 --> 01:41:56,985 - Well... - Let me tell you what I feel for you. 1283 01:41:56,986 --> 01:41:58,696 I know what you want to say, Countess. 1284 01:41:59,322 --> 01:42:01,991 A certain diffuse palpitation, 1285 01:42:02,408 --> 01:42:05,662 a mysterious shiver, sometimes, beyond your will. 1286 01:42:06,037 --> 01:42:08,163 I feel the same, Countess, 1287 01:42:08,164 --> 01:42:10,667 and I will tell you sincerely, since you ask, 1288 01:42:10,917 --> 01:42:12,544 that I have felt it for a long time. 1289 01:42:14,295 --> 01:42:17,882 As long as my suffering at not daring to confess it. 1290 01:42:18,591 --> 01:42:23,847 Human souls may have the same structure, but different clothes. 1291 01:42:24,138 --> 01:42:28,268 A minstrel's soul can be as grand as that of a king, 1292 01:42:28,560 --> 01:42:31,479 but the latter wears royal purple. 1293 01:42:32,313 --> 01:42:35,608 Had you not brought it up, 1294 01:42:36,484 --> 01:42:38,695 my soul may never have dared, 1295 01:42:39,279 --> 01:42:43,449 through its physical garb, to utter such confessions. 1296 01:42:44,367 --> 01:42:46,452 What do I feel by your side? 1297 01:42:46,953 --> 01:42:49,914 An abundant, divine paradise! 1298 01:42:50,164 --> 01:42:54,377 You are the one light my soul sees in its grotto of despair! 1299 01:42:54,878 --> 01:42:57,463 And this... is love? 1300 01:42:57,589 --> 01:42:58,714 Yes! 1301 01:42:58,715 --> 01:43:01,634 But our social standing is different. 1302 01:43:02,135 --> 01:43:06,389 What does social standing have to do with my soul's needs? 1303 01:43:07,015 --> 01:43:09,350 What we feel is the same. 1304 01:43:10,018 --> 01:43:11,894 To feel is to want, 1305 01:43:11,895 --> 01:43:13,645 and to want is to be! 1306 01:43:13,646 --> 01:43:14,939 Schopenhauer! 1307 01:43:15,106 --> 01:43:18,943 The sun had hidden behind a mountain when the two youth, 1308 01:43:19,110 --> 01:43:21,528 reaching a cold stream, 1309 01:43:21,529 --> 01:43:25,283 plunged their hands in the ice-cold, crystal-clear water. 1310 01:43:25,575 --> 01:43:30,163 Splashing around misty drops as heralds of good fortune, 1311 01:43:30,413 --> 01:43:32,916 wet hands touching each other's shoulders, 1312 01:43:33,166 --> 01:43:38,129 they sealed with a first kiss their unsuspected spiritual bond. 1313 01:43:45,762 --> 01:43:46,888 Ermina... 1314 01:43:47,013 --> 01:43:48,514 Mr. Cociu! 1315 01:43:49,098 --> 01:43:51,351 The innkeeper has been attacked! 1316 01:43:55,980 --> 01:43:58,274 What happened? Pardon me. 1317 01:44:00,109 --> 01:44:04,155 - I can't! - You have to speak, so we can help. 1318 01:44:06,199 --> 01:44:08,534 I had just finished work last night... 1319 01:44:12,830 --> 01:44:13,831 Who is it? 1320 01:44:13,998 --> 01:44:15,541 A poor traveler. 1321 01:44:16,125 --> 01:44:20,588 On the way from Oravița, my cariole's axle broke. 1322 01:44:20,797 --> 01:44:22,674 I seek a little rest. 1323 01:44:27,512 --> 01:44:29,389 Please, take a seat. 1324 01:44:29,889 --> 01:44:32,433 I am not used to eating alone. 1325 01:44:32,850 --> 01:44:36,479 I would appreciate if we could toast together. 1326 01:44:39,232 --> 01:44:42,986 I regret having to leave these beautiful lands, 1327 01:44:43,903 --> 01:44:46,948 but I have heard of a vampire 1328 01:44:47,115 --> 01:44:49,242 terrorising die alle Regionen! 1329 01:44:49,534 --> 01:44:51,244 Nonsense, Sir! 1330 01:44:51,828 --> 01:44:54,247 The vampire is nothing but an illusion. 1331 01:44:55,373 --> 01:44:58,167 So you do not believe in the vampire? 1332 01:44:59,335 --> 01:45:01,129 I believe in my money and work. 1333 01:45:01,421 --> 01:45:03,589 Vampires might exist, 1334 01:45:04,340 --> 01:45:06,217 but they can't have anything to do with me. 1335 01:45:06,676 --> 01:45:08,469 To hell with that vampire! 1336 01:45:08,886 --> 01:45:12,181 Everywhere you turn, it's all "the vampire, the vampire!" 1337 01:45:12,390 --> 01:45:15,810 We're the laugh of the region, may he be struck dead! 1338 01:45:19,188 --> 01:45:20,356 I have a suspicion. 1339 01:45:21,107 --> 01:45:23,401 It's either Baron Wirth, or the priest. 1340 01:45:24,527 --> 01:45:29,699 For shame, Sir, how can you imagine an aristocrat, 1341 01:45:29,907 --> 01:45:34,370 or the upholder of faith in the Lord our God, 1342 01:45:34,620 --> 01:45:36,997 lowering themselves to such crime! 1343 01:45:36,998 --> 01:45:38,416 Dear Sir, 1344 01:45:39,000 --> 01:45:41,836 priests are privileged from birth. 1345 01:45:42,462 --> 01:45:44,797 Their studies are paid by the state, 1346 01:45:45,214 --> 01:45:48,885 and if he sleeps with a woman, like us normal folk do, 1347 01:45:49,135 --> 01:45:52,388 the state has to give him a parish! 1348 01:45:52,555 --> 01:45:54,640 I didn't get my inn for free! 1349 01:45:55,224 --> 01:45:57,435 That's what makes him holy. 1350 01:45:57,643 --> 01:46:02,774 So pardon me if I have little faith in my fellow men, 1351 01:46:03,066 --> 01:46:04,400 priests or not. 1352 01:46:04,525 --> 01:46:06,444 You don't believe in priests, 1353 01:46:06,611 --> 01:46:08,863 and you are truly not afraid of the vampires? 1354 01:46:09,864 --> 01:46:11,866 You are mistaken, friend. 1355 01:46:13,451 --> 01:46:15,912 I fear you might call for me tonight, 1356 01:46:16,454 --> 01:46:18,206 asking for help. 1357 01:46:43,397 --> 01:46:46,359 Poor quality meat! Such rotten fodder! 1358 01:46:46,526 --> 01:46:49,529 Such disgusting chaff! A pox on you! 1359 01:47:04,585 --> 01:47:06,420 Who are you, what do you want? 1360 01:47:06,754 --> 01:47:08,256 I am the vampire, 1361 01:47:08,422 --> 01:47:11,134 whose Existenz you doubted! 1362 01:47:11,676 --> 01:47:15,930 Right now, no priest und no religion can save you! 1363 01:47:16,097 --> 01:47:18,975 Priests are only good 1364 01:47:19,142 --> 01:47:23,771 when no power greater than religion stands in their way. 1365 01:47:24,188 --> 01:47:26,732 But may the world's Patriarchs forgive us, 1366 01:47:26,899 --> 01:47:33,156 we, too, have our times, when they und God himself are asleep! 1367 01:47:33,364 --> 01:47:35,449 Forgive me, I've done you no harm! 1368 01:47:36,367 --> 01:47:38,619 Keep your mouth in check! 1369 01:47:39,036 --> 01:47:40,246 You talk too much! 1370 01:47:40,621 --> 01:47:47,879 The vampire is beyond human ken und beyond human talk! 1371 01:47:50,923 --> 01:47:52,884 That's all I remember. 1372 01:47:53,342 --> 01:47:57,138 I came to my senses with a bite on my neck, 1373 01:47:57,930 --> 01:48:00,516 faint from blood loss! 1374 01:48:04,353 --> 01:48:06,772 Mr. Cociu, Baron Wirth sends me. 1375 01:48:07,064 --> 01:48:09,233 - Disaster has struck! - What? 1376 01:48:09,400 --> 01:48:11,277 Countess Ermina is missing. 1377 01:48:12,653 --> 01:48:15,948 - For how long? - She was not in her chamber this morning. 1378 01:48:16,115 --> 01:48:17,658 Her bed was untouched. 1379 01:48:17,783 --> 01:48:21,412 My soul is heavy with foreboding. 1380 01:48:21,913 --> 01:48:25,499 Never mind foreboding, what we need is action! 1381 01:48:25,708 --> 01:48:28,127 It's the vampire, Mr. Cociu! 1382 01:48:28,252 --> 01:48:30,463 Quiet, you lowlife serf! 1383 01:48:43,643 --> 01:48:47,146 Nothing unusual, save for this chloroform-imbibed pad. 1384 01:48:47,313 --> 01:48:49,941 - Chloroform? - This is a human's doing! 1385 01:48:50,107 --> 01:48:53,194 I've never heard of vampires using chloroform. 1386 01:48:53,319 --> 01:48:55,488 it's the vampire, Mr. Cociu! I'm scared - 1387 01:48:55,655 --> 01:48:57,198 Quiet, simpleton! 1388 01:48:57,365 --> 01:49:02,036 All I see here is drugging and abduction. 1389 01:49:03,287 --> 01:49:04,455 Ermina! 1390 01:49:06,082 --> 01:49:07,792 "Do not search for me! 1391 01:49:08,960 --> 01:49:12,421 Through my conversations with this wonderful priest, 1392 01:49:12,755 --> 01:49:17,426 I have become deeply convinced of my mission. 1393 01:49:17,677 --> 01:49:19,804 I will take vows in a monastery!" 1394 01:49:19,971 --> 01:49:21,263 In a monastery? 1395 01:49:21,264 --> 01:49:22,598 Read it! 1396 01:49:23,975 --> 01:49:28,061 "I must renounce worldly life to banish the evil spirits 1397 01:49:28,062 --> 01:49:30,481 trying to conquer my soul. 1398 01:49:30,815 --> 01:49:32,233 I am a cursed woman! 1399 01:49:33,067 --> 01:49:38,155 Mine is an ancestral curse, which I must keep away from my family. 1400 01:49:38,406 --> 01:49:42,660 Monastery life is not a sacrifice. I go there gladly, Ermina." 1401 01:49:42,868 --> 01:49:44,287 Gross forgery! 1402 01:49:44,453 --> 01:49:46,372 No. That is her handwriting. 1403 01:49:47,707 --> 01:49:52,545 For a noble, beautiful maiden, monastery life is a great sacrifice! 1404 01:49:52,837 --> 01:49:56,465 I fail to see your point. All Christians live for the Church. 1405 01:49:56,632 --> 01:50:00,136 This is a complete renunciation of worldly pleasures, 1406 01:50:00,261 --> 01:50:01,887 what the Countess is doing. 1407 01:50:02,263 --> 01:50:04,181 This news makes me glad, son. 1408 01:50:04,348 --> 01:50:06,142 But she is an unfortunate soul! 1409 01:50:06,267 --> 01:50:10,771 The Baron thinks his niece is insane, and will take measures as her guardian. 1410 01:50:10,896 --> 01:50:14,066 What measures can the Baron take? 1411 01:50:15,067 --> 01:50:17,528 Does he think to fight God? 1412 01:50:17,987 --> 01:50:20,865 Does he want the region to be laid waste by plague? 1413 01:50:21,574 --> 01:50:24,243 Isn't the vampire tormenting us enough? 1414 01:50:24,702 --> 01:50:26,829 Does he seek more grief? 1415 01:50:27,413 --> 01:50:30,291 In that case, let him fight God! 1416 01:50:30,541 --> 01:50:32,793 That's why I come, Father. 1417 01:50:32,918 --> 01:50:36,171 To ask you, in your wisdom, to help find the Countess 1418 01:50:36,172 --> 01:50:37,965 and serve as mediator. 1419 01:50:38,090 --> 01:50:39,508 Find another believer! 1420 01:50:39,633 --> 01:50:43,721 Our frail Countess has no more blood to give to this exaggerated faith! 1421 01:50:44,263 --> 01:50:46,724 By what right do you intervene? 1422 01:50:47,350 --> 01:50:49,310 Are you of the Countess' family? 1423 01:50:49,977 --> 01:50:53,689 The Church has taken her under its shield! 1424 01:50:53,814 --> 01:50:56,275 It is not her I defend, Father, it is you. 1425 01:50:56,442 --> 01:51:01,947 The Baron suspects you influenced her and wants to bring in another priest. 1426 01:51:05,534 --> 01:51:07,453 Mister... Cociu. 1427 01:51:10,122 --> 01:51:11,332 Bless you. 1428 01:51:11,457 --> 01:51:15,836 Has anyone sent you here to tell me these things? 1429 01:51:16,003 --> 01:51:18,880 Or do you dare speak so of your own accord? 1430 01:51:18,881 --> 01:51:20,383 I will dare even more. 1431 01:51:20,549 --> 01:51:23,552 I myself ask you to find the girl 1432 01:51:23,719 --> 01:51:27,390 and bring her home, or you will see the Devil, Father! 1433 01:51:27,556 --> 01:51:28,723 I guarantee it! 1434 01:51:28,724 --> 01:51:32,686 Once again, by what right do you speak to me this way? 1435 01:51:32,812 --> 01:51:37,316 The right of my love for this girl and holy justice! 1436 01:51:42,822 --> 01:51:44,031 I see that... 1437 01:51:45,366 --> 01:51:47,868 you speak of love, Mr. Cociu. 1438 01:51:48,994 --> 01:51:52,039 Have you wondered if the Countess loves you too? 1439 01:51:53,082 --> 01:51:56,877 If she does not, you are scaring the fish in vain. 1440 01:51:57,044 --> 01:52:00,297 You know what, Father, I will visit you more often, 1441 01:52:00,548 --> 01:52:02,800 to learn your art of fascination, 1442 01:52:02,967 --> 01:52:07,930 so she loves me as you made her fall in love with your Church! 1443 01:52:08,097 --> 01:52:10,141 I do not have the honour! 1444 01:52:14,603 --> 01:52:18,732 Torpid sadness had overwhelmed Corneliu Cociu's soul. 1445 01:52:18,899 --> 01:52:22,319 His life, he thought, was one great misfortune. 1446 01:52:22,486 --> 01:52:25,197 Only once had fate seemed to favour him; 1447 01:52:25,448 --> 01:52:29,368 but now he saw that even that sliver of good fortune 1448 01:52:29,535 --> 01:52:33,164 had only invited all of this misery. 1449 01:52:33,497 --> 01:52:36,083 The endless chasm in his soul grew and grew. 1450 01:52:36,208 --> 01:52:38,335 Once, only once... 1451 01:52:38,586 --> 01:52:40,087 he thought, 1452 01:52:40,337 --> 01:52:45,426 it appeared I could stop fighting, live at peace with the whole world. 1453 01:53:19,919 --> 01:53:21,795 You are alive still? 1454 01:53:21,921 --> 01:53:27,968 I am, and will not die until I trample the soil on your grave! 1455 01:53:28,677 --> 01:53:29,887 What do you want? 1456 01:53:30,054 --> 01:53:32,723 You idle spawn, I will make you 1457 01:53:32,973 --> 01:53:36,852 serve a cause more worthy than your life! 1458 01:53:37,186 --> 01:53:41,148 With body und soul, you will be bound to me. 1459 01:53:41,440 --> 01:53:43,943 You must do as I command! 1460 01:53:44,068 --> 01:53:45,151 Ermina! 1461 01:53:45,152 --> 01:53:46,570 Yes, master. 1462 01:53:46,737 --> 01:53:49,615 Show me how you love me. 1463 01:53:51,033 --> 01:53:52,910 Let her be, scum! 1464 01:53:54,203 --> 01:53:56,664 And you, prepare for death! 1465 01:53:56,789 --> 01:54:00,960 I am prepared, since you have made me defenseless! 1466 01:54:02,878 --> 01:54:06,048 Is that how you speak to an archangel? 1467 01:54:06,340 --> 01:54:08,801 You, an archangel? Then I can be one tomorrow! 1468 01:54:08,926 --> 01:54:11,303 Tomorrow you shall be in the grave! 1469 01:54:11,637 --> 01:54:13,514 Why do you have against me? 1470 01:54:14,306 --> 01:54:16,724 You must die, for you know too much. 1471 01:54:16,725 --> 01:54:19,478 You have interfered in my business. 1472 01:54:19,645 --> 01:54:23,607 Until you came, I was undisturbed, 1473 01:54:23,774 --> 01:54:27,068 und no one stood against me! 1474 01:54:27,069 --> 01:54:31,031 - You are the vampire? - Yes, I am the vampire! 1475 01:54:31,282 --> 01:54:33,784 Had enough, my little friend? 1476 01:54:35,452 --> 01:54:37,621 You should not have angered me! 1477 01:54:37,871 --> 01:54:40,708 It is not allowed to a weak mortal 1478 01:54:40,958 --> 01:54:44,211 to meddle with supernatural powers. 1479 01:54:44,378 --> 01:54:46,171 You bastard! Ermina! 1480 01:54:46,338 --> 01:54:48,507 I am a demigod! 1481 01:54:48,716 --> 01:54:52,678 I would have been content to become superhuman. 1482 01:54:52,928 --> 01:54:58,684 But, unable to do so, I must now create a higher species. 1483 01:54:58,934 --> 01:55:03,939 But God, who only supports wretched humans, 1484 01:55:04,565 --> 01:55:07,610 has entered a conflict with Belzebuth! 1485 01:55:07,985 --> 01:55:11,989 After a long struggle, Hell has defeated God. 1486 01:55:12,156 --> 01:55:16,493 So instead of being sent by God to do good, 1487 01:55:16,744 --> 01:55:22,249 I am merely Belzebuth's harbinger of evil und revenge! 1488 01:55:22,541 --> 01:55:26,670 I will have you know that God is powerless now, 1489 01:55:26,879 --> 01:55:31,592 and nothing can stand against the will of Hell! 1490 01:55:32,009 --> 01:55:36,430 My plan has been to bring terror to this land, 1491 01:55:36,680 --> 01:55:37,931 and I have succeeded, 1492 01:55:38,057 --> 01:55:41,560 by using the locals' superstition und cowardice 1493 01:55:41,727 --> 01:55:43,561 und killing a few! 1494 01:55:43,562 --> 01:55:47,399 I have succeeded, I am master of this land! 1495 01:55:47,900 --> 01:55:51,612 I direct the fates of all, 1496 01:55:51,862 --> 01:55:55,074 I, the envoy of Belzebuth! 1497 01:55:55,449 --> 01:55:58,076 I, the archangel of evil, 1498 01:55:58,077 --> 01:56:03,624 I, the great maestro of murder und terror und revenge! 1499 01:56:03,791 --> 01:56:07,294 I, who want to set mankind straight, 1500 01:56:07,586 --> 01:56:12,675 guiding it to a new religion, that of Belzebuth! 1501 01:56:47,042 --> 01:56:51,588 Bel-ze-buth! 1502 01:57:08,105 --> 01:57:10,357 Oh my, what am I doing here? 1503 01:57:10,691 --> 01:57:13,235 You have been hypnotised by this bastard! 1504 01:57:20,701 --> 01:57:22,286 The priest! 1505 01:57:22,453 --> 01:57:24,329 Rest in peace, Father. 1506 01:57:30,169 --> 01:57:34,339 How will you answer on Judgment Day for killing a poor priest? 1507 01:57:34,506 --> 01:57:36,759 I take all responsibility for eternity 1508 01:57:36,884 --> 01:57:42,014 for killing one who killed so many of his peers! 1509 01:57:42,181 --> 01:57:48,020 I saved the soul of Ermina of Kollovrat whom I love beyond words, 1510 01:57:48,270 --> 01:57:50,606 and I saved her great fortune! 1511 01:57:51,732 --> 01:57:54,401 I love you, Mister Cociu! 1512 01:58:17,174 --> 01:58:18,342 OK! 1513 01:58:18,509 --> 01:58:21,762 That idiot Cociu looks an awful lot like me. 1514 01:58:21,929 --> 01:58:23,931 But it was a bit heteronormative. 1515 01:58:24,097 --> 01:58:28,560 What about some lesbo cunt-biting vampiresses? 1516 01:58:28,894 --> 01:58:32,815 I lack the necessary upgrade. I was built for the Eastern Europe market. 1517 01:58:32,940 --> 01:58:35,399 OK, but you could have put in 1518 01:58:35,400 --> 01:58:39,571 Romanian Fascists, anti-Semites, Nae Ionescu... 1519 01:58:39,988 --> 01:58:43,951 - Trump and Elon would be angry. - Fine then. 1520 01:58:44,743 --> 01:58:47,329 Now, back to my story. 1521 01:58:49,623 --> 01:58:51,750 - Look! - The fuckers! 1522 01:58:52,084 --> 01:58:54,044 Kill him! 1523 01:59:15,440 --> 01:59:17,818 Uncle Sandu, Vampira, wait! 1524 01:59:22,531 --> 01:59:23,991 I will do it. 1525 01:59:24,199 --> 01:59:27,327 Ich will, as that fucking Rammstein rapist says. 1526 01:59:32,666 --> 01:59:34,667 Fuck you, vampire! 1527 01:59:34,668 --> 01:59:36,587 I'll fucking kill you! 1528 01:59:37,004 --> 01:59:39,506 Sounds like they want to kill you for real. 1529 01:59:42,342 --> 01:59:43,635 Apparently. 1530 01:59:44,219 --> 01:59:47,973 The bastards. Acting all Christian and pious. 1531 01:59:48,682 --> 01:59:50,392 Not the Japanese guy, I mean the rest. 1532 01:59:59,026 --> 02:00:02,070 There's this joke about two tourists 1533 02:00:02,863 --> 02:00:04,823 meeting a bear in the forest. 1534 02:00:05,324 --> 02:00:07,826 One puts on his running shoes, 1535 02:00:08,076 --> 02:00:12,456 the other asks if he really thinks he can outrun the bear. 1536 02:00:13,624 --> 02:00:18,003 "No," the guy answers, "I only need to outrun you!" 1537 02:00:19,755 --> 02:00:20,923 Funny. 1538 02:00:27,262 --> 02:00:29,389 We'll catch him soon, love. 1539 02:00:29,514 --> 02:00:32,142 Didn't you want to stake him through the heart? 1540 02:00:32,267 --> 02:00:34,728 - I'm too tired! - I'll pass out! 1541 02:00:34,895 --> 02:00:37,397 Then we'll take you to the hotel and come back. 1542 02:00:37,522 --> 02:00:39,941 - I'm scared. - Scared of what? 1543 02:00:39,942 --> 02:00:41,485 The vampire. 1544 02:00:41,652 --> 02:00:45,405 - Then let's butcher the bastard! - I can't run anymore! 1545 02:00:45,697 --> 02:00:48,784 I'm dead tired, can't we do it tomorrow? 1546 02:00:48,992 --> 02:00:53,455 By tomorrow he'll escape. Let's go! 1547 02:00:56,333 --> 02:00:58,250 Let's kill the vampire. 1548 02:01:01,546 --> 02:01:03,048 What's this? 1549 02:01:03,757 --> 02:01:05,258 Where did it come from? 1550 02:01:05,884 --> 02:01:07,928 It was a scam. 1551 02:01:08,971 --> 02:01:10,013 I'll show you. 1552 02:01:11,598 --> 02:01:15,435 A B&B under construction and a non-functional webpage 1553 02:01:15,686 --> 02:01:20,440 are all that's left of Dracula Park, a mammoth 30-million-dollar project. 1554 02:01:20,649 --> 02:01:23,485 begun by the Romanian government in 2001. 1555 02:01:23,819 --> 02:01:27,906 It was meant to be Romania's most spectacular entertainment facility. 1556 02:01:28,115 --> 02:01:32,326 Over 13 000 Romanians still don't know where their money went 1557 02:01:32,327 --> 02:01:35,038 after they bought Dracula Park shares in 2001. 1558 02:01:35,205 --> 02:01:38,667 I was at the Berlin Travel Fair and stuff. 1559 02:01:38,834 --> 02:01:40,085 When? 1560 02:01:40,377 --> 02:01:42,337 The Berlin Travel Fair? 1561 02:01:42,504 --> 02:01:44,047 A few years ago. 1562 02:01:44,756 --> 02:01:49,928 I was there when the government presented this Dracula Park scam. 1563 02:01:50,804 --> 02:01:52,973 People bought shares, 1564 02:01:53,432 --> 02:01:57,019 then, surprise, it didn't get built and they didn't get their money back. 1565 02:01:57,394 --> 02:02:00,147 They got ass-fucked and robbed too. 1566 02:02:02,441 --> 02:02:04,359 So how was the launch? 1567 02:02:04,735 --> 02:02:06,236 No big deal. 1568 02:02:06,403 --> 02:02:09,364 We waited in coffins, me and a lecherous old actor. 1569 02:02:09,531 --> 02:02:11,241 - Kind of like you. - Stop it! 1570 02:02:11,366 --> 02:02:15,620 From time to time, we jumped out and yelled at people: 1571 02:02:15,787 --> 02:02:18,206 "Invest in Dracula Park!" 1572 02:02:20,542 --> 02:02:23,962 In Berlin, though, we screwed up big time. 1573 02:02:24,421 --> 02:02:28,133 They wanted a banner reading "Dracula's Capital City" 1574 02:02:28,508 --> 02:02:30,844 and they wrote "Das Kapital", 1575 02:02:31,011 --> 02:02:33,764 like Marx's Capital. 1576 02:02:35,849 --> 02:02:37,309 It works, though. 1577 02:02:37,434 --> 02:02:39,394 You know what Marx said? 1578 02:02:40,312 --> 02:02:43,231 "Capital is dead labour 1579 02:02:43,440 --> 02:02:48,236 which, vampire-like, lives only by sucking living labour, 1580 02:02:48,403 --> 02:02:51,281 and lives the more, the more labour it sucks." 1581 02:02:51,573 --> 02:02:53,033 Kind of like me. 1582 02:02:54,326 --> 02:02:57,412 I don't want this capitalist = vampire cliché 1583 02:02:57,579 --> 02:03:01,166 to get waved around by spectators, particularly intellectuals, 1584 02:03:01,374 --> 02:03:05,378 who think if they've read some Marx and Franco Moretti 1585 02:03:05,545 --> 02:03:09,758 they're qualified to tout those ideas like they invented them. 1586 02:03:10,008 --> 02:03:13,220 Like the one about Frankenstein's monster 1587 02:03:13,345 --> 02:03:16,556 being the working class created by the bourgeoisie. 1588 02:03:17,349 --> 02:03:20,811 So let's create a cool digression 1589 02:03:20,977 --> 02:03:24,773 about Dracula, the greedy capitalist. 1590 02:03:35,117 --> 02:03:36,535 This was a train carriage factory. 1591 02:03:37,953 --> 02:03:39,121 It went bankrupt. 1592 02:03:39,621 --> 02:03:43,750 In 1933, there was a famous strike here. 1593 02:03:44,126 --> 02:03:45,710 The police shot at strikers. 1594 02:03:46,628 --> 02:03:50,757 - By orders from the Liberal government. - Good! Lazy bastards! 1595 02:03:50,924 --> 02:03:52,134 I think so too. 1596 02:03:52,467 --> 02:03:54,928 It seems the strike was backed by the USSR. 1597 02:03:55,095 --> 02:03:56,805 More the reason to! 1598 02:03:57,722 --> 02:04:01,560 The company I'm selling deals in video games. 1599 02:04:01,685 --> 02:04:03,770 You know, the whole Grail madness. 1600 02:04:03,937 --> 02:04:05,438 No, I don't. 1601 02:04:05,730 --> 02:04:07,314 This international game, 1602 02:04:07,315 --> 02:04:09,943 you spend a lot of time online looking for the Grail 1603 02:04:10,068 --> 02:04:13,613 and you get loot, like swords and stuff. 1604 02:04:14,364 --> 02:04:19,828 Our company sells online time and gained tokens. 1605 02:04:20,162 --> 02:04:23,039 And the finder of The Grail will get 100 million. 1606 02:04:23,165 --> 02:04:24,708 Dollars, not lei. 1607 02:04:26,418 --> 02:04:28,879 I still don't get what you do. 1608 02:04:29,045 --> 02:04:34,885 Say an American wants to get to level 2 in the game. 1609 02:04:35,135 --> 02:04:38,680 Even two months of game time might not be enough. 1610 02:04:39,181 --> 02:04:44,352 An employee plays, then we sell the account to the American. 1611 02:04:44,519 --> 02:04:48,356 So he can start directly from level 2 or 3, the max being 100. 1612 02:04:49,691 --> 02:04:52,736 - So you pay them to play! - Exactly. 1613 02:04:52,944 --> 02:04:56,531 It's exasperating, they just play, and they're not happy! 1614 02:04:57,115 --> 02:04:58,325 Lazy asses. 1615 02:04:58,450 --> 02:04:59,784 May I ask something? 1616 02:05:01,244 --> 02:05:05,123 The famous striker in 1933 who rang the alarm siren, 1617 02:05:05,248 --> 02:05:10,503 did he grab the siren by the tail or by the tits? 1618 02:05:10,754 --> 02:05:12,129 Ha-ha, funny. 1619 02:05:12,130 --> 02:05:15,133 I'll teach those employees what's what! 1620 02:05:15,300 --> 02:05:17,052 I'll show them stimulation! 1621 02:05:20,138 --> 02:05:22,057 I want to demonstrate 1622 02:05:22,432 --> 02:05:26,561 that this Romanian DNA is not set in stone, 1623 02:05:27,479 --> 02:05:28,730 it can be changed. 1624 02:05:29,397 --> 02:05:33,068 We know our Romanian habits. I want to change you. 1625 02:05:33,818 --> 02:05:35,070 For the better! 1626 02:05:35,487 --> 02:05:37,822 We do overtime today 1627 02:05:38,031 --> 02:05:42,369 not just to optimise the company profits, 1628 02:05:42,869 --> 02:05:45,538 but also to become better people, 1629 02:05:46,414 --> 02:05:47,707 stronger, 1630 02:05:48,083 --> 02:05:49,626 through work. 1631 02:05:50,543 --> 02:05:52,879 Per aspera ad astra! 1632 02:05:55,131 --> 02:05:58,343 Marshall Antonescu used to say, 1633 02:06:00,553 --> 02:06:01,846 with sadness... 1634 02:06:06,601 --> 02:06:08,144 With sadness he said: 1635 02:06:09,521 --> 02:06:13,191 "Everyone steals! A country of thieves." 1636 02:06:15,151 --> 02:06:16,319 He said: 1637 02:06:16,444 --> 02:06:23,159 "What terrible state of disarray in our School, our Family, our Church." 1638 02:06:27,122 --> 02:06:28,707 Dear employees, 1639 02:06:29,207 --> 02:06:31,293 I would like to know you better. 1640 02:06:31,501 --> 02:06:35,171 I have a book here, De Humana Physiognomia, 1641 02:06:35,463 --> 02:06:39,884 by Giambatista Della Porta, published in 1586. 1642 02:06:40,051 --> 02:06:46,141 This original edition belonged to my friend Umberto Eco. 1643 02:06:47,058 --> 02:06:50,061 Giambatista Della Porta discovered 1644 02:06:50,312 --> 02:06:55,900 that people have the same character as the animals they resemble. 1645 02:06:57,485 --> 02:06:59,070 Where's the robot? 1646 02:06:59,487 --> 02:07:01,031 Get over here! 1647 02:07:01,990 --> 02:07:06,161 Stand here and project these pictures onto the wall. 1648 02:07:06,536 --> 02:07:09,873 Let's take the brown-looking young man there. 1649 02:07:10,081 --> 02:07:11,333 Young man. 1650 02:07:11,499 --> 02:07:12,959 Vasile. 1651 02:07:13,251 --> 02:07:15,920 See, Vasile looks like... 1652 02:07:18,214 --> 02:07:19,215 This one! 1653 02:07:23,553 --> 02:07:26,639 I don't look like that donkey! 1654 02:07:26,973 --> 02:07:29,517 Quite true. He looks more like this one. 1655 02:07:35,982 --> 02:07:38,026 What's your name, Headscarf Girl? 1656 02:07:38,193 --> 02:07:39,069 Ana. 1657 02:07:39,569 --> 02:07:42,280 Ana, you look like... 1658 02:07:42,781 --> 02:07:44,074 This one! 1659 02:07:48,870 --> 02:07:51,247 - Not at all. - You don't like it? 1660 02:07:51,373 --> 02:07:53,208 I just don't look like it. 1661 02:07:53,666 --> 02:07:57,295 Let's ask the AI, since we have it. 1662 02:07:57,796 --> 02:08:00,131 Which one does she look like? 1663 02:08:00,673 --> 02:08:02,634 A kitty-kitty-cat! 1664 02:08:02,801 --> 02:08:04,676 A kittycat! 1665 02:08:04,677 --> 02:08:06,429 A cat, maybe. 1666 02:08:08,098 --> 02:08:11,433 - What do we do with kittycats? - Declaw them! 1667 02:08:11,434 --> 02:08:13,228 We declaw them! 1668 02:08:13,395 --> 02:08:18,566 Enough fun, back to work! Time is money! 1669 02:08:26,699 --> 02:08:29,327 You get paid too much for what you do. 1670 02:08:29,494 --> 02:08:31,204 The robot says so. 1671 02:08:31,413 --> 02:08:32,622 Indeed! 1672 02:08:33,039 --> 02:08:35,959 I'm sorry, I try as hard as I can. 1673 02:08:36,126 --> 02:08:38,545 Don't worry, my dear. 1674 02:08:38,711 --> 02:08:41,005 I appreciate the effort. 1675 02:08:41,214 --> 02:08:44,926 I can accept stupidity, but not insolence. 1676 02:08:45,969 --> 02:08:49,180 So said my uncle, Mircea the Elder, 1677 02:08:49,347 --> 02:08:53,560 to my brother, Radu the Handsome, before bedtime. 1678 02:08:53,977 --> 02:08:56,521 But is it fair to your coworkers? 1679 02:09:11,411 --> 02:09:14,330 So you speak good Romanian? How did you learn it? 1680 02:09:14,706 --> 02:09:16,875 I was born here. 1681 02:09:17,125 --> 02:09:20,879 My father came to Romania as a teenager. 1682 02:09:21,129 --> 02:09:23,756 He was a Vietnam war refugee. 1683 02:09:23,965 --> 02:09:25,592 Meaning? 1684 02:09:26,384 --> 02:09:29,345 Back then, Romania helped Vietnam. 1685 02:09:29,596 --> 02:09:31,055 It brought... 1686 02:09:31,848 --> 02:09:33,766 many children over. 1687 02:09:33,933 --> 02:09:36,311 Most of them war orphans. 1688 02:09:36,728 --> 02:09:38,813 The majority went back. 1689 02:09:43,276 --> 02:09:44,944 He is my father. 1690 02:09:45,570 --> 02:09:49,616 Yes, I've heard Romania sided with the Communists. 1691 02:09:49,782 --> 02:09:51,075 Grotesque! 1692 02:09:51,242 --> 02:09:55,455 But even the Americans admit it was a stupid, useless war. 1693 02:09:55,705 --> 02:09:57,373 With mass murders. 1694 02:09:57,749 --> 02:10:00,752 - Like My Lai. - What about My Lai? 1695 02:10:02,670 --> 02:10:05,006 Back to work! Viet-Cong! 1696 02:10:05,298 --> 02:10:07,425 Or I whip out my AKM! 1697 02:10:07,675 --> 02:10:09,177 Move it. 1698 02:10:09,427 --> 02:10:12,597 As we go marching on, 1699 02:10:12,889 --> 02:10:17,435 While we're fighting in the jungles they were marching in the street, 1700 02:10:18,353 --> 02:10:22,774 While we're dying in the rice fields they were helping our defeat, 1701 02:10:23,525 --> 02:10:28,446 While we're facing V.C. bullets they were sounding our retreat, 1702 02:10:28,905 --> 02:10:32,158 As we go marching on. 1703 02:10:35,286 --> 02:10:36,955 Ho! Chi Minh! 1704 02:10:43,253 --> 02:10:45,754 What are you doing in my country, you pagan? 1705 02:10:45,755 --> 02:10:47,507 You fucking gook! 1706 02:10:47,632 --> 02:10:49,634 I have a Romanian ID! 1707 02:10:50,176 --> 02:10:53,888 I told you, my dad - but I'll leave if you want! 1708 02:10:54,055 --> 02:10:55,013 I swear! 1709 02:10:55,014 --> 02:10:57,934 You guys are ruining Christian civilisation! 1710 02:10:58,393 --> 02:10:59,852 Not us, Mr. Vlad! 1711 02:10:59,978 --> 02:11:04,357 It's the Muslims! We try to fix things! 1712 02:11:04,607 --> 02:11:07,277 The Chinese are destroying the Uyghur. 1713 02:11:07,402 --> 02:11:08,820 - Uy-what? - Uyghurs! 1714 02:11:08,987 --> 02:11:12,782 - Whose Uyghurs! - Myanmar Buddhists massacre the Muslim. 1715 02:11:12,949 --> 02:11:14,033 The Rohingya! 1716 02:11:14,200 --> 02:11:17,078 We're friends of Christian Orthodoxy! 1717 02:11:50,737 --> 02:11:52,447 That'll fucking teach them! 1718 02:11:59,495 --> 02:12:01,831 Each day starting today, 1719 02:12:01,998 --> 02:12:05,960 you will do four hours of overtime, at 50% pay. 1720 02:12:06,711 --> 02:12:09,422 - What? - You can't do that! 1721 02:12:10,256 --> 02:12:13,051 - What's wrong? - We're very tired! 1722 02:12:13,176 --> 02:12:17,680 Great! It's proof of your effort and hard work. 1723 02:12:17,972 --> 02:12:22,351 Although you, kitty, just play around with a mouse. 1724 02:12:22,352 --> 02:12:26,064 But the quality of our work drops. This is work, not play! 1725 02:12:26,230 --> 02:12:30,234 It's only play for the stupid Americans who buy our passwords! 1726 02:12:30,401 --> 02:12:32,945 Oh my, a union firebrand! 1727 02:12:33,112 --> 02:12:36,366 - Actually, we'll unionise! - Yes! 1728 02:12:36,658 --> 02:12:39,369 Can't you see the gift I'm offering? 1729 02:12:39,577 --> 02:12:41,829 I bring the capital and the ideas, 1730 02:12:42,121 --> 02:12:44,123 you bring the labour! 1731 02:12:44,332 --> 02:12:45,500 Right! 1732 02:12:45,708 --> 02:12:48,544 You can come up with ideas of your own. 1733 02:12:48,711 --> 02:12:52,215 Me, I have thousands of business ideas a day. 1734 02:12:52,340 --> 02:12:54,967 Here's one, for free: 1735 02:12:55,259 --> 02:12:56,469 Octopus! 1736 02:12:58,262 --> 02:13:01,891 Don't stare like a retard seeing her first cock! 1737 02:13:02,809 --> 02:13:04,227 Octopus! 1738 02:13:04,477 --> 02:13:08,231 Octopus is a gourmet item. 1739 02:13:08,398 --> 02:13:11,025 It sells for heaps of money. 1740 02:13:11,192 --> 02:13:14,612 Set up aquariums at home, grow octopi. 1741 02:13:16,698 --> 02:13:21,828 If you don't know how to grow octopi, you search online. 1742 02:13:22,078 --> 02:13:25,790 If you're too stupid to get the instructions, 1743 02:13:25,957 --> 02:13:28,793 you come to me and I'll explain. 1744 02:13:29,085 --> 02:13:30,670 1000 euros a month! 1745 02:13:30,795 --> 02:13:34,048 - I'll do it! - Good for you! 1746 02:13:34,882 --> 02:13:37,760 Good, let him raise octopi! 1747 02:13:37,927 --> 02:13:42,098 You'll make at least 1000 euros a month! 1748 02:13:42,849 --> 02:13:45,267 If you don't get ideas like that, 1749 02:13:45,268 --> 02:13:49,939 be good kids and play video games for others. 1750 02:13:50,273 --> 02:13:53,526 We're in direct competition with the Chinese! 1751 02:13:53,818 --> 02:13:56,404 Sure, they have the population, 1752 02:13:56,571 --> 02:13:59,532 but we can prove we have the destiny! 1753 02:13:59,699 --> 02:14:00,908 True! 1754 02:14:04,036 --> 02:14:05,079 Yes, what? 1755 02:14:06,706 --> 02:14:08,541 We have something to say. 1756 02:14:08,708 --> 02:14:11,586 Our revendications are there. 1757 02:14:11,836 --> 02:14:14,130 We haven't been paid in so long! 1758 02:14:15,381 --> 02:14:18,551 And we won't do all that unpaid overtime! 1759 02:14:18,676 --> 02:14:21,220 Yes! We won't work for free! 1760 02:14:22,722 --> 02:14:25,516 I trust you know what's best for you 1761 02:14:26,058 --> 02:14:29,187 and will quit this nonsense. 1762 02:14:31,606 --> 02:14:34,275 - Get working! - More work, less begging! 1763 02:14:34,400 --> 02:14:37,570 More work, less begging! 1764 02:14:38,738 --> 02:14:40,782 But we haven't been paid! 1765 02:14:41,574 --> 02:14:45,328 We occupy this place and refuse to work or leave! 1766 02:14:45,495 --> 02:14:49,123 - What if Mr. Vlad gets angry? - What can he do to us? 1767 02:14:49,290 --> 02:14:51,959 Massage our cocks, that's what! 1768 02:14:52,210 --> 02:14:54,795 He can't do a thing if we're united. 1769 02:14:54,796 --> 02:14:56,756 He could call the police. 1770 02:14:56,923 --> 02:15:00,218 This isn't Ceaușescu's times, Grandpa, we have rights! 1771 02:15:00,384 --> 02:15:03,179 Don't let him intimidate us! 1772 02:15:03,304 --> 02:15:06,098 He's a monster! But we'll beat him! 1773 02:15:06,265 --> 02:15:09,143 If we're united, it's OK! 1774 02:15:09,852 --> 02:15:11,646 We'll cream him! 1775 02:15:21,322 --> 02:15:24,575 What's up, Zzz Generation? 1776 02:15:25,993 --> 02:15:27,703 Feel like striking? 1777 02:15:28,037 --> 02:15:30,665 Striking like it's 1933? 1778 02:15:30,957 --> 02:15:33,751 The world's changed, suckers! 1779 02:15:33,918 --> 02:15:35,711 We just want our rights. 1780 02:15:36,045 --> 02:15:39,048 Arbeit macht frei! 1781 02:15:43,010 --> 02:15:46,055 Here's my ultimatum, you have until 12! 1782 02:15:47,765 --> 02:15:50,226 Or I move on to the crackdown! 1783 02:15:51,143 --> 02:15:56,107 From this day on, our company motto is: 1784 02:15:58,276 --> 02:16:00,695 Nihil sine Deo! 1785 02:16:01,404 --> 02:16:06,617 If Christ had died on the electric chair, we'd all be wearing one! 1786 02:16:08,035 --> 02:16:10,413 - I like you. - You don't say. 1787 02:16:10,538 --> 02:16:12,206 You're smart. 1788 02:16:12,331 --> 02:16:14,208 I have a gift idea for you: 1789 02:16:14,375 --> 02:16:18,588 A knit sweater with Marx's face 1790 02:16:19,130 --> 02:16:20,298 and the text: 1791 02:16:20,548 --> 02:16:24,260 "All I want for Christmas is the means of production!" 1792 02:16:24,468 --> 02:16:25,595 A capitalist gift! 1793 02:16:25,887 --> 02:16:29,724 Ten seconds left! Then it's crackdown time! 1794 02:16:30,308 --> 02:16:33,352 - Eins! - Eins, zwei, drei, vier... 1795 02:16:37,231 --> 02:16:38,316 E.T.! 1796 02:16:39,108 --> 02:16:40,610 Suck my cock! 1797 02:16:40,818 --> 02:16:43,863 We're not leaving! You leave! 1798 02:16:44,447 --> 02:16:48,743 You'll crawl before me, yelling 1799 02:16:49,410 --> 02:16:51,245 "Forgive us, Mr. Vlad!" 1800 02:16:51,370 --> 02:16:54,123 Sod off with your fucking vampire fangs! 1801 02:16:54,457 --> 02:16:56,834 Blow me with your fucking cunt mouth! 1802 02:17:03,507 --> 02:17:06,928 Get back to your places! 1803 02:17:20,608 --> 02:17:23,277 - Come with me! - What's he saying? 1804 02:17:27,531 --> 02:17:28,741 What the...? 1805 02:17:29,116 --> 02:17:31,243 I'm scared. 1806 02:17:32,203 --> 02:17:33,829 Mehr Licht! 1807 02:17:34,080 --> 02:17:36,666 What's that, a tetradrachm? 1808 02:17:36,832 --> 02:17:38,668 Get a cross, quick! 1809 02:17:38,876 --> 02:17:41,295 He's holding one! Mr. Vlad is! 1810 02:17:41,879 --> 02:17:45,049 Dracula! Let's call him by his name! 1811 02:17:45,383 --> 02:17:48,678 The vampire! Nosferatu! Satan, holding a cross! 1812 02:17:48,928 --> 02:17:52,640 Mehr Licht! Yes, my children! 1813 02:17:52,932 --> 02:17:56,102 That's right! Rise! 1814 02:17:58,813 --> 02:18:00,731 Mehr Licht! 1815 02:18:01,065 --> 02:18:03,776 Come, my soldiers! 1816 02:18:04,068 --> 02:18:06,070 Yes, little ones! 1817 02:18:06,195 --> 02:18:07,947 Come to me! 1818 02:18:09,907 --> 02:18:11,783 - Zombies! - Ghosts! 1819 02:18:11,784 --> 02:18:15,663 Of the soldiers who shot at strikers in 1933! 1820 02:18:15,788 --> 02:18:16,998 What strikers? 1821 02:18:17,123 --> 02:18:21,043 The strike was drowned in blood. This place is cursed. 1822 02:18:21,293 --> 02:18:24,171 They're back to shoot us again. 1823 02:18:24,380 --> 02:18:25,715 Weren't they Bolsheviks? 1824 02:18:40,771 --> 02:18:42,356 Suck it, Dracula! 1825 02:18:55,161 --> 02:18:58,998 The end will be long, but beautiful! 1826 02:19:17,349 --> 02:19:18,559 No! 1827 02:19:34,033 --> 02:19:36,285 Get over here! 1828 02:19:47,880 --> 02:19:49,381 Help! 1829 02:19:51,008 --> 02:19:53,260 Capitalist murderers! 1830 02:19:53,385 --> 02:19:55,096 Vampires! 1831 02:19:58,140 --> 02:20:00,976 Fucking vampires! 1832 02:20:01,143 --> 02:20:03,062 Fuck your kind! 1833 02:20:15,991 --> 02:20:17,618 Oh, fuck. 1834 02:20:36,846 --> 02:20:40,391 Where are you, union cat? 1835 02:20:41,475 --> 02:20:43,102 Here, kitty, kitty! 1836 02:20:44,728 --> 02:20:46,397 I'm out of here! 1837 02:20:50,818 --> 02:20:53,320 This is the end... 1838 02:20:55,739 --> 02:20:57,867 Eat my cock! 1839 02:21:06,667 --> 02:21:11,130 I hope the audience has noticed, though our title is Dracula, 1840 02:21:11,297 --> 02:21:16,427 it's built more like Frankenstein's monster. 1841 02:21:16,677 --> 02:21:18,220 Pieced together. 1842 02:21:18,679 --> 02:21:22,600 I wanted to call it Frankenstein, but I changed my mind. 1843 02:21:22,850 --> 02:21:24,976 Good. That's confusing. 1844 02:21:24,977 --> 02:21:27,521 I still regret it. It was more subtle. 1845 02:21:52,713 --> 02:21:54,798 - Sandu, my boy! - Hello, Ma'am. 1846 02:21:54,924 --> 02:21:57,635 Were those stinking Confederates after you? 1847 02:21:57,968 --> 02:22:01,430 - Yes. Where are they? - Everywhere. 1848 02:22:05,017 --> 02:22:07,895 Can you hide us for a few hours? 1849 02:22:08,562 --> 02:22:09,730 I don't know... 1850 02:22:09,939 --> 02:22:12,274 My own plum brandy, good stuff. 1851 02:22:12,942 --> 02:22:14,818 Pure medicine! 1852 02:22:15,653 --> 02:22:17,112 Isn't that right, Zamolxis? 1853 02:22:19,490 --> 02:22:20,616 So good! 1854 02:22:20,783 --> 02:22:23,827 Like the herbal cordials they make in monasteries. 1855 02:22:24,453 --> 02:22:25,496 Cheers! 1856 02:22:26,247 --> 02:22:29,416 Bottoms up, get ready for cock! 1857 02:22:33,504 --> 02:22:35,339 No one will find you here. 1858 02:22:35,506 --> 02:22:38,133 I'll make you some warm cheese and cream. 1859 02:22:50,562 --> 02:22:51,939 Voici! 1860 02:22:52,398 --> 02:22:54,692 I should be the one who kills him with the hammer. 1861 02:22:54,858 --> 02:22:56,652 We discussed it before. 1862 02:22:56,902 --> 02:22:59,530 Me and my wife should be the ones to kill him. 1863 02:22:59,655 --> 02:23:01,407 Just like the Nosferatu in 1979, 1864 02:23:01,615 --> 02:23:05,119 the Werner Herzog version, with Kinski and Adjani. 1865 02:23:05,869 --> 02:23:09,248 I know you want to see if the two make it out alive, 1866 02:23:09,415 --> 02:23:13,043 but first, one more quick digression! 1867 02:23:13,252 --> 02:23:15,879 Like in Diderot's Jacques the Fatalist. 1868 02:23:16,547 --> 02:23:18,632 Dear Artificial Intelligence, 1869 02:23:18,799 --> 02:23:22,011 our audience, perhaps fed up with all the vampires, 1870 02:23:22,219 --> 02:23:27,808 murders, Satanist priests, stakes, might want another love story. 1871 02:23:28,058 --> 02:23:32,980 13. The Tale of All Tales 1872 02:23:34,648 --> 02:23:37,318 Once upon a time, a peasant lived in a village. 1873 02:23:37,484 --> 02:23:41,947 One day, he went to sow his maize. 1874 02:23:42,114 --> 02:23:48,329 Christ and Saint Peter happened to pass by. 1875 02:23:48,454 --> 02:23:52,374 You think Christ could keep quiet and go on his way? 1876 02:23:53,000 --> 02:23:54,668 What are you sowing, good man? 1877 02:23:54,835 --> 02:23:56,378 Cocks, since you ask! 1878 02:23:56,545 --> 02:23:59,631 Cocks you say, cocks you shall reap! 1879 02:24:04,136 --> 02:24:07,514 At harvest time, instead of maize, 1880 02:24:07,681 --> 02:24:11,060 each stalk grew three or four cocks, 1881 02:24:11,685 --> 02:24:15,481 one perkier and prouder than the other! 1882 02:24:15,731 --> 02:24:17,274 Well damn! 1883 02:24:17,649 --> 02:24:20,486 There goes my summer-long hard work! 1884 02:24:20,819 --> 02:24:23,655 Never have I seen such things! 1885 02:24:23,781 --> 02:24:26,200 Fuck this in the gut! 1886 02:24:26,533 --> 02:24:28,827 Now what to do? 1887 02:24:29,328 --> 02:24:33,248 Some fucking blessing that guy gave me! 1888 02:24:39,505 --> 02:24:41,632 Good day, good man! 1889 02:24:41,965 --> 02:24:45,260 Fuck the good day and the horse it rode in on! 1890 02:24:46,095 --> 02:24:49,765 Why are you so foul-mouthed, man? 1891 02:24:50,057 --> 02:24:53,935 In front of an old woman like me, no less! 1892 02:24:53,936 --> 02:24:58,607 Can't you see, Auntie, how God mocked my hard work? 1893 02:24:59,024 --> 02:25:01,818 How will a harvest of cocks help my poverty? 1894 02:25:01,819 --> 02:25:05,239 Look at this field, what do you make of it? 1895 02:25:05,781 --> 02:25:09,910 My goodness me, dear boy! 1896 02:25:10,536 --> 02:25:14,415 - That's one thing I've never seen. - I wish it was only one, Auntie! 1897 02:25:14,665 --> 02:25:19,253 But there are thousands of them, fuck them a thousand times! 1898 02:25:19,545 --> 02:25:21,505 I could hang myself! 1899 02:25:22,214 --> 02:25:25,759 One cock stiffer than the other as far as the eye can see! 1900 02:25:26,135 --> 02:25:28,345 Take heart, my boy! 1901 02:25:28,512 --> 02:25:34,643 How do you know this isn't a stroke of luck from God? 1902 02:25:34,768 --> 02:25:38,147 I wouldn't wish this luck on my enemies! 1903 02:25:38,272 --> 02:25:43,360 Who's ever heard of this? Eating cocks instead of maize! 1904 02:25:43,485 --> 02:25:48,574 My boy, I could teach you how to get rid of them. 1905 02:25:48,782 --> 02:25:53,537 And earn a hundred times more than you would from maize. 1906 02:25:53,829 --> 02:25:56,373 - What would you give for it? - Ask your price, Auntie. 1907 02:25:56,748 --> 02:26:00,544 I'll give you what you ask and a bundle of cocks on top of it. 1908 02:26:00,836 --> 02:26:05,507 Put them in your wagon and take them to the market. 1909 02:26:05,799 --> 02:26:08,260 They'll sell like hot cakes! 1910 02:26:08,427 --> 02:26:13,932 But now I must put decency aside and teach you 1911 02:26:14,224 --> 02:26:17,811 what your buyers need to do to use them. 1912 02:26:17,978 --> 02:26:21,064 Do tell me, Auntie, please! 1913 02:26:21,356 --> 02:26:24,109 When they feel like some cock, 1914 02:26:24,568 --> 02:26:28,405 they should whistle like shepherds do. 1915 02:26:36,622 --> 02:26:40,667 Then they'd better hope their ass can take it! 1916 02:26:43,712 --> 02:26:44,838 Oh my! 1917 02:26:47,966 --> 02:26:50,885 And once they've had enough, they should say: 1918 02:26:50,886 --> 02:26:55,974 "Whoa there, you hungry beast!" 1919 02:26:56,266 --> 02:27:01,063 Then it goes limp and you're done with it. 1920 02:27:09,905 --> 02:27:12,115 Ándale! 1921 02:27:12,449 --> 02:27:14,660 Ándale, arriba! 1922 02:27:14,826 --> 02:27:17,621 Where did you learn this craft, Auntie? 1923 02:27:17,746 --> 02:27:19,998 Don't you worry, boy, 1924 02:27:20,374 --> 02:27:23,460 where the devil gathers sawdust, 1925 02:27:23,794 --> 02:27:25,754 I once sawed timber! 1926 02:27:25,921 --> 02:27:31,843 So don't ask! Just be thankful. 1927 02:27:33,428 --> 02:27:36,306 Come get your cocks! 1928 02:27:36,431 --> 02:27:40,519 Sturdy, hard cocks, they please ladies in flocks! 1929 02:27:41,061 --> 02:27:43,981 Come get your cocks! 1930 02:27:45,148 --> 02:27:50,654 Vile peasant, you dare speak such filth before a poor widow? 1931 02:27:51,196 --> 02:27:55,242 I'll have you beaten until they have to carry you home in a blanket! 1932 02:27:55,367 --> 02:27:59,663 Merciful lady, I beg your noble forgiveness! 1933 02:27:59,871 --> 02:28:03,709 Since God gave me a harvest of cocks, 1934 02:28:03,875 --> 02:28:08,839 here I am trying to sell them, for I am so poor and needy! 1935 02:28:09,047 --> 02:28:12,925 Are you insane? How can you speak such nonsense? 1936 02:28:12,926 --> 02:28:16,930 God forbid, Your Ladyship, I speak in truth. 1937 02:28:17,055 --> 02:28:19,474 Try this one if you won't believe me. 1938 02:28:19,766 --> 02:28:24,438 Fuck their maker sideways, they're getting me in trouble! 1939 02:28:24,605 --> 02:28:27,398 If they were female or I was the backwards kind, 1940 02:28:27,399 --> 02:28:29,610 at least I'd keep them for myself! 1941 02:28:30,068 --> 02:28:32,487 Is this any joking matter, Your Ladyship? 1942 02:28:32,946 --> 02:28:35,616 After I worked the land all summer long, 1943 02:28:35,741 --> 02:28:39,745 as if it wasn't enough, now I get threatened with a beating! 1944 02:28:39,911 --> 02:28:43,999 Fuck the cross of you-know-who, people think I'm crazy! 1945 02:28:44,499 --> 02:28:48,211 You loathsome, vile peasant! 1946 02:28:48,962 --> 02:28:50,839 Go to hell! 1947 02:28:51,214 --> 02:28:53,966 Come get your cocks! 1948 02:28:53,967 --> 02:28:56,053 - Sturdy, hard - - Actually... 1949 02:28:57,054 --> 02:29:00,265 How would someone go about using one? 1950 02:29:00,432 --> 02:29:05,437 Not that I would need it, God forbid! 1951 02:29:05,854 --> 02:29:08,357 I just wonder at such an oddity. 1952 02:29:08,523 --> 02:29:12,569 Your Ladyship, pardon my dirty mouth, 1953 02:29:13,070 --> 02:29:15,280 but should one feel like it, 1954 02:29:15,447 --> 02:29:19,159 one should whistle for it as shepherds do. 1955 02:29:20,994 --> 02:29:25,582 Then they'd better get ready for a ride, I swear! 1956 02:29:25,874 --> 02:29:30,671 When one has had enough pounding, one need only say: 1957 02:29:31,046 --> 02:29:34,299 "Whoa there, you greedy beast!" 1958 02:29:34,591 --> 02:29:39,513 In a blink it will pull back, like a snake in the water. 1959 02:29:39,680 --> 02:29:43,016 Then one does the same anytime one feels like it. 1960 02:29:43,183 --> 02:29:45,977 And if you're not pleased, you can curse me! 1961 02:29:46,186 --> 02:29:50,899 A pox on you, peasant, you have the devil in you! 1962 02:29:53,819 --> 02:29:56,988 I'll just go behind your stall for a bit. 1963 02:29:57,280 --> 02:30:00,992 Then the lady started to whistle for the tool, 1964 02:30:01,201 --> 02:30:05,079 and the good cock goes "woosh!" right into her cunt. 1965 02:30:05,080 --> 02:30:08,166 To work it went, and the lady couldn't be happier! 1966 02:30:08,291 --> 02:30:11,795 As they say: you won't scare an old hag with a thick cock. 1967 02:30:11,962 --> 02:30:17,342 She was staying put, like a lamb sucking on its mother's teat. 1968 02:30:17,968 --> 02:30:20,053 She was a fiery one, 1969 02:30:20,220 --> 02:30:23,265 "tight of cunt and hard of hips, cracks the cock between her teeth, 1970 02:30:23,390 --> 02:30:25,225 she'll ride anything that fits!" 1971 02:30:25,434 --> 02:30:28,102 Finally, once she was well sated, 1972 02:30:28,103 --> 02:30:31,231 she whispered "whoa there, you hungry beast!" 1973 02:30:31,398 --> 02:30:35,193 The cock went limp and "splat!" fell to the ground. 1974 02:30:35,819 --> 02:30:39,906 The lady piously picked it up and kissed it right on the nose. 1975 02:30:41,658 --> 02:30:43,243 Say, man, 1976 02:30:45,746 --> 02:30:48,749 the ones who gave you this crop, 1977 02:30:49,583 --> 02:30:52,711 were they not Christ and Saint Peter? 1978 02:30:53,044 --> 02:30:55,630 They alone could work such wonders! 1979 02:30:55,756 --> 02:30:58,008 What do I know, Your Ladyship? 1980 02:30:58,175 --> 02:31:03,180 God or the Devil, fuck them all the way into tomorrow! 1981 02:31:03,555 --> 02:31:05,724 Do pardon my words. 1982 02:31:06,391 --> 02:31:09,060 If it is as you say, peasant, 1983 02:31:09,686 --> 02:31:11,813 I believe it was Christ's hand. 1984 02:31:12,063 --> 02:31:13,565 And so, 1985 02:31:13,774 --> 02:31:18,445 I'll buy one as a souvenir of the year with the harvest of... 1986 02:31:19,321 --> 02:31:20,989 such things. 1987 02:31:21,448 --> 02:31:23,366 It may be a good sign. 1988 02:31:23,533 --> 02:31:25,243 You mean cocks, Madam? 1989 02:31:25,452 --> 02:31:28,788 Eat them whole, since you like saying their name so much! 1990 02:31:28,789 --> 02:31:33,251 It's how we always speak, pray forgive us! 1991 02:31:34,044 --> 02:31:38,298 But if it's as you say, I wonder at God's ways. 1992 02:31:38,548 --> 02:31:39,549 What the hell? 1993 02:31:39,716 --> 02:31:43,303 Has he no better business than putting cocks on stalks? 1994 02:31:43,678 --> 02:31:48,225 God must have a hell of a cock! 1995 02:31:48,600 --> 02:31:52,479 So, Your Ladyship? Will you buy one or not? 1996 02:31:53,939 --> 02:31:56,691 How much for that disgusting thing? 1997 02:31:57,150 --> 02:31:59,569 Not everything God sends is a godsend. 1998 02:31:59,820 --> 02:32:01,696 I don't know, Your Ladyship... 1999 02:32:01,988 --> 02:32:05,908 Let's not haggle, 500 lei and we're set. 2000 02:32:05,909 --> 02:32:09,746 500? Aren't you a fresh one, peasant! 2001 02:32:09,871 --> 02:32:15,794 After I got all sweaty-balled harvesting these cocks? 2002 02:32:16,002 --> 02:32:21,091 If I don't earn big from patrons like you, what will poor village women pay? 2003 02:32:21,550 --> 02:32:26,555 They'll want a dozen cocks for a copper, plus five extra! 2004 02:32:27,764 --> 02:32:29,516 Good lady! 2005 02:32:30,851 --> 02:32:33,728 Be my first client today! 2006 02:32:33,854 --> 02:32:37,274 You'll get a cock so good you’ll thank me, 2007 02:32:37,399 --> 02:32:39,150 and tell other ladies, too! 2008 02:32:39,651 --> 02:32:42,779 Fine, you poor wretch. 2009 02:32:42,988 --> 02:32:45,490 - 500 lei. - My lady! 2010 02:32:49,995 --> 02:32:56,585 Thence, whenever she felt indisposed, the lady went at it and sated herself. 2011 02:32:56,877 --> 02:33:00,881 Never again did she have to settle for whatever she could get! 2012 02:33:01,381 --> 02:33:06,928 She had made good provisions for her old age. 2013 02:33:07,429 --> 02:33:09,806 But one day... 2014 02:33:13,351 --> 02:33:15,687 - God bless, Father. - Blessed be, daughter. 2015 02:33:15,896 --> 02:33:18,398 I come to drive the devils away. 2016 02:33:18,523 --> 02:33:21,943 Sit down while I bring you some brandy. 2017 02:33:22,611 --> 02:33:26,197 When You, O Lord, were baptised in the Jordan... 2018 02:33:26,323 --> 02:33:30,660 O Lord, teach me Your commandments. 2019 02:33:30,911 --> 02:33:34,039 And protect this house from all danger, 2020 02:33:34,205 --> 02:33:36,625 for You alone are without sin, 2021 02:33:41,254 --> 02:33:44,883 - When you, O Lord, were... - Father? 2022 02:33:46,801 --> 02:33:48,595 Giddy-up! 2023 02:33:48,762 --> 02:33:52,098 Go, Silver, go! 2024 02:33:53,683 --> 02:33:54,851 Yee-haw! 2025 02:33:56,478 --> 02:33:58,229 Brr, you bag of bones! 2026 02:34:11,868 --> 02:34:17,415 God, let not thy servant be the Devil's plaything! 2027 02:34:22,170 --> 02:34:26,132 And so the priest began to yank and pull, 2028 02:34:26,466 --> 02:34:29,886 like oxen when they won't pull a heavy cart. 2029 02:34:30,011 --> 02:34:31,429 But all was in vain. 2030 02:34:31,596 --> 02:34:35,892 The priest prays, the priest yells, the priest wiggles, 2031 02:34:36,101 --> 02:34:40,021 but even a priestly frock is no shield against hard cock. 2032 02:34:44,109 --> 02:34:46,111 Yes, that feels good! 2033 02:34:47,612 --> 02:34:49,072 Yes, yes! 2034 02:34:52,242 --> 02:34:53,535 Yes! 2035 02:34:53,910 --> 02:34:57,497 Now this really has been a beautiful love story! 2036 02:34:57,872 --> 02:35:02,377 Better even than Daphnis and Chloe or Heloise and Abelard. 2037 02:35:03,878 --> 02:35:07,674 Of course, I don't condone anything vulgar or questionable. 2038 02:35:08,008 --> 02:35:09,926 I'm not responsible. 2039 02:35:11,386 --> 02:35:14,180 Now let's go back to my runaways. 2040 02:35:14,389 --> 02:35:16,850 Let's see if I let them escape! 2041 02:36:29,756 --> 02:36:33,051 Dear Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0, 2042 02:36:33,510 --> 02:36:36,554 what would Dracula's social media look like? 2043 02:36:36,846 --> 02:36:39,682 - I will now exemplify. - Awesome. 2044 02:36:45,188 --> 02:36:49,442 Too often have you made riches and power your single aim, 2045 02:36:49,609 --> 02:36:54,948 Too often you brought our nation to ridicule and shame, 2046 02:36:55,281 --> 02:37:00,120 Too often you mocked the language and customs of this race, 2047 02:37:00,245 --> 02:37:05,667 That now at last your mocking does but yourselves disgrace! 2048 02:37:06,501 --> 02:37:10,880 While self was ever the craving that in your spirits stirred, 2049 02:37:11,089 --> 02:37:16,553 Virtue? Nonsense. Genius? But a word. 2050 02:37:18,221 --> 02:37:22,684 O, leave in the old chronicles our forefathers to rest; 2051 02:37:22,934 --> 02:37:27,897 For they would gaze upon you with irony at best. 2052 02:37:28,189 --> 02:37:34,487 Rise once more, o Impaler! Take and divide these men 2053 02:37:34,821 --> 02:37:39,909 As lunatics and rogues in two big tribes, and then 2054 02:37:40,076 --> 02:37:43,329 In mighty, twin infirmaries by force both tribes intern, 2055 02:37:43,580 --> 02:37:47,750 And with a single faggot prison and madhouse burn! 2056 02:38:01,890 --> 02:38:03,600 Catch him! He's there! 2057 02:38:12,317 --> 02:38:14,110 Help me, please! 2058 02:38:18,281 --> 02:38:19,907 I must be the one to kill him! 2059 02:38:19,908 --> 02:38:22,826 Mr. Adonis, this isn't fair, we've all paid. 2060 02:38:22,827 --> 02:38:27,081 Dear lady, we have distinguished clients here from Austria and the US. 2061 02:38:27,248 --> 02:38:29,792 Let's do it like Murder on the Orient Express. 2062 02:38:30,001 --> 02:38:32,128 - What do you mean? - Everybody gets a go. 2063 02:38:32,712 --> 02:38:35,882 Brilliant idea! Everybody will have a hit. 2064 02:38:36,049 --> 02:38:38,551 - Alright then! - I start. 2065 02:38:39,344 --> 02:38:40,803 Hammer! Hammer Horror. 2066 02:38:43,473 --> 02:38:44,557 Yes! 2067 02:38:49,312 --> 02:38:50,688 Cumshot! 2068 02:38:52,065 --> 02:38:53,316 Yes, bitch! 2069 02:39:00,615 --> 02:39:02,033 Away from me, Satan! 2070 02:39:02,200 --> 02:39:04,035 Vade retro Dracula! 2071 02:39:07,664 --> 02:39:09,332 You beggar! 2072 02:39:11,751 --> 02:39:13,336 That was fun! 2073 02:39:25,974 --> 02:39:28,184 Wittgenstein has put this epigraph 2074 02:39:28,351 --> 02:39:32,647 of Nestroy's in his Philosophische Untersuchungen: 2075 02:39:33,356 --> 02:39:35,817 "The thing about progress is 2076 02:39:36,109 --> 02:39:39,570 that it looks much bigger than it actually is." 2077 02:39:56,129 --> 02:39:59,882 I wouldn't close without asking our Artificial Intelligence 2078 02:40:00,008 --> 02:40:02,051 for another story. 2079 02:40:02,176 --> 02:40:07,265 Let's dramatise a news story that best expresses our day and age. 2080 02:40:07,390 --> 02:40:08,641 Hard choice. 2081 02:40:08,766 --> 02:40:12,395 The war in Ukraine, October 7, the Gaza massacres, 2082 02:40:12,603 --> 02:40:17,317 Trump regime’s techno-fascism, rising inequality... 2083 02:40:17,483 --> 02:40:20,819 - What shall it be? - Something small. 2084 02:40:20,820 --> 02:40:24,032 Like the true life story of a street sweeper. 2085 02:40:24,407 --> 02:40:26,326 Very well. Right away. 2086 02:40:27,660 --> 02:40:30,121 Enjoy and farewell, everyone! 2087 02:40:30,621 --> 02:40:32,248 To quote Ion Creangă: 2088 02:40:32,415 --> 02:40:36,544 "Dear reader, you must have read much nonsense in your life. 2089 02:40:36,794 --> 02:40:39,172 Pray read this one too, 2090 02:40:39,464 --> 02:40:42,383 and if some part does not agree with you, 2091 02:40:42,633 --> 02:40:46,012 take a quill and put down something better, 2092 02:40:46,179 --> 02:40:49,766 for I only did the best I could." 2093 02:40:51,267 --> 02:40:56,981 New slice-of-life 2094 02:41:29,305 --> 02:41:32,558 - We can't take this. - What are you doing? 2095 02:41:33,142 --> 02:41:36,229 Construction waste isn't our responsibility. 2096 02:41:36,354 --> 02:41:37,438 Say what? 2097 02:41:37,563 --> 02:41:42,067 We don't pick up rubble, only household waste. 2098 02:41:42,068 --> 02:41:43,777 That's what this is! 2099 02:41:43,778 --> 02:41:45,905 No, it's full of rubble! 2100 02:41:46,197 --> 02:41:49,659 How dare you look inside my bins? 2101 02:41:49,909 --> 02:41:51,869 They're private property! 2102 02:41:51,994 --> 02:41:56,124 - I'm calling the police. - Great, they'll fine you! 2103 02:41:56,374 --> 02:41:57,583 Let him be. 2104 02:41:57,792 --> 02:42:02,004 Getting cheeky with me, son? You know who I am? 2105 02:42:02,422 --> 02:42:06,134 There's a fucking cubic metre of books between us! 2106 02:42:06,426 --> 02:42:09,178 - Fucking illiterates! - We're not illiterate. 2107 02:42:09,345 --> 02:42:11,680 - You know who I am? - No! 2108 02:42:11,681 --> 02:42:14,475 Both my parents were art historians! 2109 02:42:14,600 --> 02:42:17,520 My father was a specialist in Trecento painters! 2110 02:42:17,645 --> 02:42:19,939 - I can appreciate - - Hands off! 2111 02:42:20,106 --> 02:42:22,692 ...the mystique of Jacopone da Todi! 2112 02:42:24,068 --> 02:42:26,737 The goliardic poetry of Cecco Angiolieri! 2113 02:42:26,863 --> 02:42:28,531 What's he saying? 2114 02:42:28,865 --> 02:42:32,368 Or Poggio's Facetiae! Yes, lady! 2115 02:42:32,493 --> 02:42:34,579 - Poggio, right. - Poggio Bracciolini! 2116 02:42:34,704 --> 02:42:39,333 I didn't lock myself in the bathroom with porn magazines, you wankers! 2117 02:42:39,917 --> 02:42:43,629 I took along Laelius de Amicitia! 2118 02:42:55,600 --> 02:42:59,395 Drop me off here, I'll catch you in an hour or so. 2119 02:42:59,604 --> 02:43:01,856 - What time is it? - 9 o'clock. 2120 02:43:24,378 --> 02:43:27,965 - Told you not to come dressed like that! - Had no time to change. 2121 02:43:28,090 --> 02:43:30,468 - Everyone will laugh at me! - I'll stay out here. 2122 02:43:30,635 --> 02:43:31,719 Told you, I didn't - 2123 02:43:31,844 --> 02:43:32,887 Laura! 2124 02:43:37,850 --> 02:43:41,437 O great Impaler, read this letter About my land: 2125 02:43:41,562 --> 02:43:44,732 The people, in misery tethered, From hope are banned! 2126 02:43:45,024 --> 02:43:48,152 We are robbed, disgraced, Scoundrels wearing false masks, 2127 02:43:48,402 --> 02:43:52,657 From our own home we are chased. What would you do, I ask? 2128 02:43:52,990 --> 02:43:55,701 O great Impaler, from up there You hear our prayer: 2129 02:43:55,868 --> 02:43:58,996 Send to our country a reply, Send us your heir! 2130 02:43:59,247 --> 02:44:02,375 For long enough we've been oppressed, You know it best; 2131 02:44:02,542 --> 02:44:05,962 Until we rise up to this task, What would you do, I ask? 2132 02:44:06,128 --> 02:44:10,841 So if life is love And to love is life's aim, 2133 02:44:11,634 --> 02:44:16,556 We are proud of calling Things by their name. 2134 02:44:16,681 --> 02:44:20,101 - What's the idea? - My daughter's in the event. 2135 02:44:20,768 --> 02:44:24,146 - Who's your daughter? - Paraschiv Laura, 3rd grade. 2136 02:44:25,022 --> 02:44:27,024 Never seen me around? 2137 02:44:27,316 --> 02:44:30,403 - No. - I sometimes bring her to school. 2138 02:44:31,112 --> 02:44:34,240 - Then why don't you come in? - You know... 2139 02:44:34,615 --> 02:44:37,159 My uniform would embarrass her. 2140 02:44:37,326 --> 02:44:41,664 I didn't get a chance to change, been working since 5 am. 2141 02:44:41,956 --> 02:44:44,959 So I'm staying out. Children will be children. 2142 02:44:46,669 --> 02:44:49,547 Her mother's really sick, in the hospital. 2143 02:44:50,548 --> 02:44:53,175 Go further away, by the swings. 2144 02:44:53,384 --> 02:44:56,304 They saw you from the secretary's office, 2145 02:44:56,470 --> 02:44:58,222 the headmaster won't like it. 2146 02:44:58,389 --> 02:44:59,974 Yeah, OK. 2147 02:45:00,850 --> 02:45:02,143 Farther! 2148 02:45:04,395 --> 02:45:09,692 Yes, we have our likes and dislikes, Yes, we trust ourselves above all, 2149 02:45:09,900 --> 02:45:15,656 Yes, we love peace's white dove, No, we don't want war. 2150 02:45:16,198 --> 02:45:21,370 Yes, we are the future generation, Put your ear to the ground to hear... 2151 02:45:21,871 --> 02:45:26,167 What a pleasure, travelling under falling snow, 2152 02:45:26,417 --> 02:45:30,379 Finding some small hovel, windows warm aglow, 2153 02:45:30,713 --> 02:45:34,717 As the sled glides past silver fir tree boughs, 2154 02:45:35,217 --> 02:45:39,221 In the loneliness settling around, Treetops shine by the sunset crowned, 2155 02:45:39,639 --> 02:45:43,476 The light that pierces the forest air Coalesces bowers of roses fair. 2156 02:45:43,601 --> 02:45:47,772 But the meager twilight subsides. Night streams in, wells up in tides. 2157 02:45:47,938 --> 02:45:51,734 Hills rise up, in stillness wrought, A path branches off to naught, 2158 02:45:52,026 --> 02:45:56,530 On the horizon, a deserted well Keeps the landscape under a silent spell. 2159 02:45:56,947 --> 02:46:00,576 Awed by omens, your soul recoils, You feel lost, far from turmoil, 2160 02:46:00,701 --> 02:46:05,122 Travelling on, carrying with you Something of their sadness and woe. 2161 02:46:05,414 --> 02:46:09,835 Summoned by an arcane will, Your heart gripped by its lonely chill, 2162 02:46:10,336 --> 02:46:15,925 No one around but your burdened soul And longings you cannot console, 2163 02:46:16,092 --> 02:46:19,887 For a distant happiness within, For what was not, but could have been, 2164 02:46:20,054 --> 02:46:22,807 For what was, and is now forever gone. 2165 02:46:23,182 --> 02:46:24,475 Bravo! 165393