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Live from the Takoma Theatre in Washington D.C.
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Are you ready?
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I said, are you ready?
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It's time to bring the pain,
give it to me for Mr. Chris Rock!
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How are you?
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Washington!
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D.C., chocolate city!
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That's right! Home of the Million Man March!
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(event organized by the Reverend Louis
Farrakhan, leader of the Nation of Islam,
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October 16, 1995 in Washington, attended
by one million African American men)
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That's right, the Million Man March!
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That had all the type of black leaders there!
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Farrakhan, Jesse (Jackson)
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Marion Barry ...
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(Mayor of Washington re-elected
despite being jailed for drugs)
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Marion Barry ... at the Million Men March!
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How did he get the ticket?
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It was a day of positivity! How did he get it?
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Marion Barry at the Million Man March,
do you know what that means?
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It means that even in our finest hour
we had a crackhead on stage!
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Yes, boo all you want, but you know I'm right!
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How the hell did Marion
Barry get his job back?
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He smoked crack and got his job back.
How the hell did that happen?
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If you get caught smoking crack at McDonald's
you can't get your job back!
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That's right, they are not gonna trust you
around their Happy Meals!
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They'll send your ass to Hardee's.
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(Another American fast food chain).
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He smoked crack and got his job!
I want to know who was so ...
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Who ran against him that they lost?
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Who was so bad they lost to a crackhead?
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What was their campaign like?
Were they, like, on heroin? (???)
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"Vote for me!"
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"Vote for me!
Don't vote for crack, vote for smack!"
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Marion Barry... come on,
how are you gonna tell little kids to not get high...
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when their mayor is on crack?
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"Don't get high. You won't be nothing (???)."
"I could be Mayor!"
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Crack is everywhere, crack everywhere ...
you know what they say?
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"Crack is destroying the black community."
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"Crack is destroying the ghetto."
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Yeah, like the ghetto was so nice before crack!
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They say that shit like everybody had at least (???)
a mansion, a yacht and a swimming pool ...
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... then crack came by and dried it all up!
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I think we always focus
on the negative side of crack ...
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Always on the negative side of crack.
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What about the good side of crack?
What about the beauty of crack?
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What about the good things that crack has brought
into our minds that were not there before?
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Do you know what the good side of crack is?
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If you're up at the right hour
you can get a VCR for $ 1.50!
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You can furnish your whole house for $ 10.95.
Why? Because of crack!
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Shit ...
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At Christmastime, have you ever
bought somebody a crack gift?
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They think you've got them something. (???)
"Oh, you should not have!" "I didn't!"
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Bought from a crackhead!
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I think they should just legalize crack.
Legalize it.
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Do you know why I want them to legalize crack?
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Just so my friends' mothers can
have something to brag about.
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"You know, Ron has got his own crack house now!
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Johnny's got his own crack house.
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When I drive by ...(???):
'That is my baby's crack house right there'
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Hey guys, jump on (???)
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Legalize, man.
All drugs should be legalized, all!
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Why? People want to get high.
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That's right.
People think about getting high right now.
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People are like: "Damn, how much longer is the show?" (???)
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People love to get high!
You could get rid of all illegal drugs in the world and it won't mean shit.
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People want to get high.
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If you get rid of all the crack, all the heroin, all the blow,
you know what will happen?
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People will just think of new ways to get high!
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That's right, guys will go to their basement and become scientists and say, "Check this out, check this out!"
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"You know, if you get a baby's bottle, right? Fill it up with a little gasoline, dead llama ??? beans and then suck it. You will be fucked up!"
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That's right! Now we've got the war on drugs. Bullshit!
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The war on drugs is bullshit, it is the way to get more motherfuckers in jail, that's all it is ... yes!
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That's all it is!
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The drug dealers don't really sell drugs.
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The drug dealers ... offer drugs!
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I'm thirty years old, ain't nobody ever sold me drugs.
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Nobody has ever sold nobody in this room some drugs!
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??? you ever in your life not thinking about getting high and somebody sold you some fucking drugs?
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Hell, no!
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The drug dealers offer: "Man (???), you want some smoke, you want some smoke?"
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You say "No", that's it!
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Now, the Jehovah's Witnesses, on the other hand ...
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Shit!
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No, man, drug dealers don't sell drugs: drugs sell themselves.
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Crack is not an encyclopedia, not a fucking vacuum cleaner!
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You know, you don't really gotta try to sell crack, OK?
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I never heard a crack dealer go, "Man, how am I gonna get rid of all this crack?"
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"It's just piled up in my house!"
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That's right, men! I don't fuck around. ???.
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Probably main reason I do not do drugs is my big brother. Big brother.
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Junkie alcoholic! But doesn't eat pork, 'cause "pork's not good for ya!"
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People are full of shit, man. People who shoot
heroine, and they go: "You know, red meat can kill you!"
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What do you mean "red meat can kill you"?
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Only in America we say some bullshit like "red meat can kill you."
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We've got too much food in America. Too much food!
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"Red meat can kill you"? People are starving all over the world!
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What do you mean, "Red meat will kill you"? No, no no!
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Don't eat no red meat? No. Don't eat no green meat, ok?
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What are you talking about? You know, if you are one of the chosen few people on this earth
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who is lucky enough to get your hands on a steak: bite the shit out of it!
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Too much food in America!
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We've got so much food in America, America is the only country in the whole world that makes people feel bad for being fat.
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The only country in the whole world. People are starving all over the world.
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You're fat some place else (???), people are like: "Damn, how did you do that?
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"That's amazing! I gotta hang with you!
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"Oh, you think you are ??? fat ass?" I put on some weight, we're gonna hang! "
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Too much food in America, man!
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We've got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food!
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Hungry people aren't allergic to shit!
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So do you think anybody in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?
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Now we've got some people who don't eat pork, what the fuck is that shit about?
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You don't eat pork! You don't eat pork!
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Some people don't eat pork for religious reasons. I think it's ??? shit.
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(Nothing against ???) religion, but I refuse to believe
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that on Judgement Day my diet is going to come into question, OK?
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What you eat has got shit to do with who you are as a person, ok?
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"Hey God, I killed a bunch of kids ... but I eat right!"
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No! That ain't gonna help, man (???). No.
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You see, people don't realize that religious books were written by men.
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Men wrote everything. Men wrote the Bible, men wrote the Koran, men wrote the Torah, all that shit written by men.
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Thousands of years ago, before ... you know, like, 5000 years ago,
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before there were the DOMOPACK ???, before there were refrigerators, before there were freezers, before there was seasoning (???),
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a pork chop might kill you!
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That's right. One drop: "Aaaah!" Dead!
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But times have changed. That's right, you see, times have changed,
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People, you know, 5,000 years ago were like, "Damn, this pork is killing everybody!"
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"How can we get people to not eat pork?"
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"Ok! Tell them God said, don't eat it."
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And everybody said, "Okay, God said, don't eat it." And they stopped eating it.
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But times have changed. Now we've got refrigerators, we've got freezers,
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we've got some (??? cellophane) wrap, we've got (??? aluminum) wrap! Now a pork chop is your friend!
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That's right, if you are starving, a pork chop will save your life!
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Shit, I eat a pig's ass, if cooked right!
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My family is from the South. You know, people from the South love pork.
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No matter what you eat down South, they've got some pork in it!
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"Hey, this is a good fish, what kind of fish is it?" "Pork fish!"
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You know what the nastiest part of pork is? Pig feet.
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Pig feet ??? in ???? old ??? jar,
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???? when I was 14 years old!
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And pig feet are floating around in that liquid, the brown beige rust liquid ...
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What is the liquid? What is that, pig piss?
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And people actually pick out the pig feet
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"No, not that one, the other one ..."
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Like there is any difference shitty ??? pig feet!
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"No, give me that one, the one with the nail in it!
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"(???) That was athlete's pig foot!"
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A lot of stuff going on this year. ??? racial issue.
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What was the big thing this year? Elections! Colin Powell!
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"He should run! He could win! Colin can win, he should run!"
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Can't win! Colin Powell can't win!
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Colin Powell's got a better chance of winning the bronze in female gymnastics ...
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... to being the president of the United States.
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Get the fuck out! White people ain't vote for Colin Powell!
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They say they are, but they are not!
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Ok? This ??? soup his head off, make him run ???? killed for trying ????.
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Shit, Colin Powell!
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White people say they're gonna vote for him because it seems like the right thing to say.
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It just seems like a cool thing to say: "Yes, I would vote for him ..."
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It just seems like the right thing to say, just like when you ask somebody if they want to be an organ donor.
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They always say "yes" ... But nobody wants to be an organ donor!
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Nobody, it just seems like the right thing to say.
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Shit, organ donor is for people with no faith at all!
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You know, what if they figured out a way to bring you back from the dead? Now I have no eyes!
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Ain't this a bitch! Back from the dead and I can't see shit!
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"Mom, I'm back! Mom, where are my eyes?
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"You gave them to a little boy in Idaho?
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"Now I will have to kill him to get my eyes back!"
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Colin Powell can't be president!
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You know how I could tell Colin Powell can't be president?
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Whenever Colin Powell is on the news, white people always give him the same compliments.
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Always the same compliments! "How do you feel about Colin Powell?" "He speaks so well!"
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"He's so well spoken!" "He speaks so well!" "I mean, he really speaks well!" "He speaks so well!"
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Like that's a compliment! "Speaks so well" is not a compliment, OK?
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"Speaks so well" is some shit you say about retarted people that can talk!
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What do you mean "He speaks well"? What, he had a stroke the other day?
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What the fuck ??? man. How the fuck do you expect him to sound, dirty motherfucker? What are you talking about?
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"He speaks so well ..."
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What are you talking about, "he speaks so well"
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What voice were you looking to come out of his mouth? What the fuck did you expect him to sound like?
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"I'm a-drop me a bomb today!"
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"I'll be pres-o-dent!"
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Get the fuck outta here!
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Now they're telling that Colin Powell should run for vice president.
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Do it for his country. Fuck the country, shit!
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He ain't gonna run with the guy he could beat. He ain't gonna run with fucking Dole. He could beat Dole!
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??? they only act so a black man can do something that fucking stupid. Run with a guy he could beat.
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Get the fuck out of here!
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They won't act (???) so white guy won't do no shit like that!
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They're not gonna ask Al Gore to run with Al Sharpton, no!
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(Famous "perennial candidate". U.S. politicians who are always in the elections, despite being regularly defeated)
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Get the fuck out of here, man!
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Vice-President ... you know what? It ain't gonna happen!
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As long as you live you ain't ever gonna see no black vice president.
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Not while the president is white!
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Oh no, you will never see. Do you know what they say, "never say never"? I say never!
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You will never see no black vice president. Not while there's a white president, and you know why?
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'Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that's why!
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Shit, I'd do it!
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If we had a black vice president right now, I could not have waited to kill the president!
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Shit!
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Now what's gonna happen? What're you gonna you do, put me in jail with a bunch of black guys?
202
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they'll treat me like a hero for the rest of my life.
203
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Shit, even if they had a death penalty, what would happen? Skipped off (???) by the black president!
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I would be the biggest star in the history of jail!
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Be signing autographs, "97/KY" Here you go!
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Shit, if I would be in jail guys would come at me:
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"Yo, Chris, Chris, yo, man! I hope my kids turn out to be just like you, man!
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"You know, I was getting ready to rape you until I realized who you were!"
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A lot of racial shit this year ...
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A lot of racial shit: what is the big thing? O.J.
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(OJ Simpson was acquitted of murder charges)
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O.J. was big. That's right.
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Black people too happy, white people too mad.
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The white people like: "That is a bullshit!"
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I ain't seen white people that nasty since they cancelled "M.A.S.H."!
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Black people ???: "Yes, we won, we won! Yes! We won!"
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What the fuck did we win?
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Every day I look at the mailbox for my O.J. prize: nothing!
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Nothing!
220
00:16:46,933 --> 00:16:49,653
"That was all about race." That shit wasn't about race.
221
00:16:49,683 --> 00:16:50,943
That shit was about fame!
222
00:16:50,992 --> 00:16:53,673
If O.J. wasn't famous, he'd be in jail right now.
223
00:16:53,703 --> 00:16:55,593
If O.J. drove a bus, ...
224
00:16:59,562 --> 00:17:02,742
If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn't even be O.J.
225
00:17:02,742 --> 00:17:05,413
He'd be Orenthal the Bus Driving Murderer.
226
00:17:07,762 --> 00:17:11,453
They all go: "Oh, the jury was so stupid." Get the fuck out of here, man!
227
00:17:11,613 --> 00:17:16,752
"It's so stupid, how did they ...?" White people would have done exact same shit, OK?
228
00:17:17,143 --> 00:17:20,193
The exact same shit!
229
00:17:20,332 --> 00:17:24,982
Because if that was Jerry Seinfeld tried with double murder
230
00:17:25,072 --> 00:17:29,222
and the only person that found the bloody glove happened to be in the Nation of Islam ...
231
00:17:40,373 --> 00:17:42,002
Jerry'd be a free man!
232
00:17:43,002 --> 00:17:44,552
And eating cereal right now.
233
00:17:44,552 --> 00:17:45,613
(Seinfeld is known for his love for cereals)
234
00:17:45,613 --> 00:17:47,898
Now, let's run down the case. Who's the guy, Ron Goldman?
235
00:17:47,898 --> 00:17:48,128
(Other ex-football player, who was killed along with wife of OJ Simpson)
236
00:17:48,128 --> 00:17:53,082
That was her boyfriend. Don't be mistaken thinking there was some guy returning the glasses, right?
237
00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:57,443
When was the last time you forgot some shit at the restaurant and they brought it back to your house?
238
00:17:57,463 --> 00:17:59,153
Shit, I want to eat there!
239
00:17:59,433 --> 00:18:03,512
Shit, you could leave a newborn baby in a restaurant and they'll put him in the coat room!
240
00:18:05,062 --> 00:18:08,393
Second of all, he was known to drive around town
241
00:18:08,393 --> 00:18:11,093
in this Ferrari that O.J. had bought for her.
242
00:18:11,093 --> 00:18:12,203
Think about this shit.
243
00:18:12,203 --> 00:18:16,413
I buy you a car and you're gonna let another man drive around in my car?
244
00:18:16,443 --> 00:18:19,593
Are you out of your fucking mind?! Shit!
245
00:18:21,453 --> 00:18:24,663
God! You'd better recognize ...
246
00:18:26,133 --> 00:18:30,522
Shit, I don't even have a Ferrari, but if I saw somebody driving in my Pinto ...
247
00:18:32,423 --> 00:18:34,512
... That shit would blow like in the Godfather!
248
00:18:36,163 --> 00:18:38,082
I'm not saying he should have killed her ...
249
00:18:38,693 --> 00:18:40,082
... But I understand!
250
00:18:51,542 --> 00:18:55,542
You know what else? O.J. was paying $ 25,000 a month in alimony.
251
00:18:55,582 --> 00:19:02,093
$ 25,000! 25! $ 4000 a month for food! For food!
252
00:19:02,123 --> 00:19:06,722
What the fuck was she eating for 4 grand a month?
253
00:19:06,752 --> 00:19:09,232
I guess she's like: "I gotta get some extra cheese on my waffles (???)!"
254
00:19:10,693 --> 00:19:12,732
Yo women y'all got it good ...
255
00:19:12,933 --> 00:19:15,494
When it's time to get a divorce, women got it made.
256
00:19:15,546 --> 00:19:17,532
They go to court, start talking some shit (???):
257
00:19:17,582 --> 00:19:22,653
"Your Honor, I'm used to this, I'm used to that, I'm accustomed to this ..."
258
00:19:23,072 --> 00:19:26,507
Yo, what the fuck is "accustomed"? What's that got to do with shit?
259
00:19:26,511 --> 00:19:29,133
Hey, you go to a restaurant, you're accustomed to eating.
260
00:19:29,292 --> 00:19:32,953
You leave, you ain't eating no more. They don't owe you a steak!
261
00:19:39,933 --> 00:19:44,482
Now, women go to court, talk that shit: "Your Honor, I'm used to this, I'm used to that, I want some money, give me some money!"
262
00:19:44,802 --> 00:19:45,913
And they get the money!
263
00:19:45,953 --> 00:19:50,603
What about what the men are used to? What about what the men are accustomed to?
264
00:19:51,423 --> 00:19:52,972
That might not be money.
265
00:19:53,082 --> 00:19:57,203
But during the course of a relationship a man grows accustomed to a few things.
266
00:19:58,203 --> 00:20:01,443
Now, we'd love to see a man go to court and say, "Your Honor, check this out '...
267
00:20:09,002 --> 00:20:11,863
"I'm accustomed to fucking her four times a week ...
268
00:20:13,802 --> 00:20:16,623
"Now I think I should be able to fuck her at least twice a week!
269
00:20:17,042 --> 00:20:21,032
"I mean, she can have her alimony. But I want some pussy payment!"
270
00:20:28,863 --> 00:20:29,873
Am I wrong? (???)
271
00:20:33,873 --> 00:20:35,943
That's, right, man, shit!
272
00:20:36,143 --> 00:20:39,292
That alimony that's what made OJ crack!
273
00:20:39,463 --> 00:20:43,943
That alimony! She's paid that big-ass alimony, he ain't scored a touch-down in twenty years ...
274
00:20:45,002 --> 00:20:47,002
That's right, should have had a prenup.
275
00:20:47,143 --> 00:20:51,883
That's right, a prenuptial agreement. Everybody needs a prenup.
276
00:20:52,072 --> 00:20:54,482
People think you gotta be rich to get a prenup, oh no!
277
00:20:54,562 --> 00:20:56,873
You've got 20 million and your wife wants 10?
278
00:20:56,873 --> 00:20:58,403
Big deal, you ain't starving.
279
00:20:59,113 --> 00:21:04,683
But if you make 30 000 ... and your wife wants 15 ...
280
00:21:05,552 --> 00:21:07,242
... You might have to kill her!
281
00:21:14,133 --> 00:21:19,203
Shit! "Shit, I ain't going to move back with my mama 'cause you ain't in love!
282
00:21:20,173 --> 00:21:21,633
"You're gonna have to die!"
283
00:21:26,222 --> 00:21:29,133
So you gotta think about OJ's situation.: (He's paying) $25,000 a month (in alimony),
284
00:21:29,153 --> 00:21:33,332
another man's driving around in his car and fucking his wife in a house he's still paying the mortgage on.
285
00:21:33,593 --> 00:21:35,332
Now I'm not saying he should have killed her...
286
00:21:35,683 --> 00:21:37,183
... But I understand!
287
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:45,389
You know who I feel for ??? I feel for more than anybody else, man?
288
00:21:45,490 --> 00:21:51,699
??? to O.J. and Nicole to fuck off, man. Do you know who I really feel for, who I feel for more than anybody else?
289
00:21:53,359 --> 00:21:54,699
Ike Turner!
290
00:22:04,770 --> 00:22:08,419
You know what? 'Cause Ike was the king of the woman-beaters till OJ took his title!
291
00:22:09,919 --> 00:22:12,159
Now Ike says: "Hey, I could have killed Tina!
292
00:22:12,790 --> 00:22:14,169
"What about me?
293
00:22:14,169 --> 00:22:19,423
What blood's got to do with it?" (reference to Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It")
294
00:22:25,245 --> 00:22:29,654
You know what they say, "There's no reason to ever hit a woman."
295
00:22:30,325 --> 00:22:31,245
Shit!
296
00:22:32,805 --> 00:22:36,944
There's a reason to hit everybody. You just don't do it.
297
00:22:37,174 --> 00:22:42,334
Shit, there's a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs. You just don't do it.
298
00:22:42,535 --> 00:22:44,894
Ain't nobody above an ass-whooping.
299
00:22:47,245 --> 00:22:47,975
Ok?
300
00:22:49,475 --> 00:22:51,884
Anybody can give you a reason to hit him.
301
00:22:51,914 --> 00:22:56,025
And women know this for a fact. Women ??? women know this for a fact
302
00:22:56,025 --> 00:22:58,844
there ain't nothing more crazy, nothing more out of control,
303
00:22:58,854 --> 00:23:02,305
nothing more likely to embarrass you in a fucking restaurant
304
00:23:02,334 --> 00:23:04,794
than a woman that knows you ain't gonna hit her!
305
00:23:06,634 --> 00:23:10,825
When a woman is with a man she knows a 100% ain't gonna hit her, oh!
306
00:23:10,894 --> 00:23:13,654
She can't wait for him to do something wrong
307
00:23:14,154 --> 00:23:16,444
so she can yell at him like a little boy.
308
00:23:16,465 --> 00:23:20,285
"What the fuck are you gonna do? Kiss my ass! I don't care where we are, just kiss my ass!
309
00:23:20,334 --> 00:23:26,084
"you punk ???, you punk ass! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!"
310
00:23:29,394 --> 00:23:32,275
And the man's like, "How the fuck did we get here?"
311
00:23:33,765 --> 00:23:35,225
I'll tell you how you got there.
312
00:23:35,255 --> 00:23:38,844
You had an argument with your woman, you went too far and that was it for you.
313
00:23:39,134 --> 00:23:41,225
And women know you can go too far.
314
00:23:41,334 --> 00:23:44,434
She's like: "You can't." Yes, you can go too fucking far!
315
00:23:44,515 --> 00:23:47,735
I am a man, and if I'm having an argument with a man that's bigger than me
316
00:23:47,765 --> 00:23:50,265
I know there is a zone I don't go into.
317
00:23:51,384 --> 00:23:55,424
Ok? A zone I don't fuck with, ok?
318
00:23:55,545 --> 00:23:58,114
Then women, women will go at you, they don't give a fuck.
319
00:23:58,144 --> 00:24:03,414
They'll spit on you, they hit you: "What the fuck are you gonna do? What the fuck are you gonna do?"
320
00:24:03,545 --> 00:24:05,785
Then she says something... they say the wrong thing, something like:
321
00:24:05,815 --> 00:24:07,144
"That's why your mother's a bitch!"
322
00:24:11,844 --> 00:24:14,114
And she knows she went too far!
323
00:24:14,325 --> 00:24:16,694
Then she braces herself for the hit like ...
324
00:24:25,434 --> 00:24:27,604
then the hit don't come, she's like: "Oh, I've got him now!
325
00:24:27,614 --> 00:24:33,874
"You little dick motherfucker, kiss my ass! Little dick motherfucker! Yeah, I don't give a fuck!
326
00:24:33,884 --> 00:24:39,785
"Yeah, I've fucked all your friends, that's right! Yes, I did that! I tossed the salad, child!"
327
00:24:45,684 --> 00:24:49,715
No, I do not think it's cool to hit women, I do not do that shit.
328
00:24:49,944 --> 00:24:55,775
I do not think it's cool, I never hit a woman in my life and would never hit a woman. I do not do that shit.
329
00:24:55,805 --> 00:24:58,944
I would never ever hit a woman in my life, never!
330
00:25:01,914 --> 00:25:03,485
That ain't cool!
331
00:25:04,884 --> 00:25:08,694
I would never hit a woman. No! But I would shake the shit out of a woman!
332
00:25:08,735 --> 00:25:11,944
"What's wrong with you? Are you crazy, woman?
333
00:25:12,255 --> 00:25:16,404
"I'll kill you, girl! What the fuck are you tossing salad for?
334
00:25:16,684 --> 00:25:19,934
"Are you crazy? Are you ??? shit, shut the fuck up!
335
00:25:19,985 --> 00:25:24,505
"Shut the fuck up! Shut up! I'll let go when you shut up!
336
00:25:24,674 --> 00:25:27,075
"I'll shake this wig off your head!
337
00:25:27,124 --> 00:25:31,495
"I don't give a fuck! Shut up! Shut the fuck up!
338
00:25:32,555 --> 00:25:37,275
"Now I let you go ... and you're gonna sit down here, you're gonna fucking eat your food ...
339
00:25:37,295 --> 00:25:40,154
"We're gonna argue when we get home, right? I want to hear no shit!
340
00:25:40,255 --> 00:25:44,414
"You're gonna fucking eat your fucking food, and we're gonna argue when we get home, ok?
341
00:25:44,414 --> 00:25:47,955
"Ok? Ok? I'm gonna let you go and ??? I don't wanna hear no shit!
342
00:25:59,825 --> 00:26:00,795
"Problems?"
343
00:26:04,264 --> 00:26:06,284
Get the fuck out of here, man!
344
00:26:06,425 --> 00:26:09,905
I'm tired of this shit. Tired, tired, tired of this shit!
345
00:26:10,315 --> 00:26:12,885
I do not know, I need to go back to school. That's what I'm gonna do ???.
346
00:26:13,474 --> 00:26:15,865
Oh ??? I need to go to Poo school.
347
00:26:17,284 --> 00:26:21,434
But you know, if you're black, you get more respect coming out of jail than school.
348
00:26:21,744 --> 00:26:24,994
You get no respect coming out of school. You come out of jail you're the fucking man!
349
00:26:24,994 --> 00:26:26,865
"Whatsup, nigga" ????
350
00:26:29,615 --> 00:26:31,335
You come out of school nobody gives a fuck.
351
00:26:31,344 --> 00:26:34,844
"Hey man, I got ouf of school, I got my master's!" "So what, bitch?
352
00:26:35,695 --> 00:26:40,005
"You punk-ass bitch! Don't come round with all that reading and shit!
353
00:26:40,074 --> 00:26:44,494
"Do not come round with all that counting, shit, I can count too: 1, 2, 4, 5, so what?
354
00:26:46,494 --> 00:26:48,804
"I'm counting these rocks, biatch!"
355
00:26:57,795 --> 00:27:00,815
You can have a master's degree, niggas don't care.
356
00:27:00,815 --> 00:27:04,744
"Hey man, I've got my master's!" "What, you're my master now?"
357
00:27:04,744 --> 00:27:07,405
"I should ??? listen to your punk ass? Fuck you, nigger!
358
00:27:07,425 --> 00:27:11,295
"Fuck you. So what you've got a master's degree!? So what you've got a motherfucking master's degree?
359
00:27:11,295 --> 00:27:14,295
"Oh, you're the smarty ass nigga, huh? You're the smarty ass nigga!
360
00:27:14,315 --> 00:27:16,804
"Let me ask you this, let me ask you this:
361
00:27:16,874 --> 00:27:19,315
"Can you kick my ass?"
362
00:27:25,144 --> 00:27:28,445
I dropped out of school. Dropped out. I'm sorry.
363
00:27:28,845 --> 00:27:34,115
Got myself a G.E.D. You know what GED stands for?
364
00:27:34,135 --> 00:27:35,744
Good Enough Diploma
365
00:27:38,055 --> 00:27:42,775
You knoe, G.E.D. is bullshit. So let me get this straight, I can make four years in six hours.
366
00:27:54,164 --> 00:27:58,164
You know, as soon as you get your GED, someone's always got the nerve to go: "Now you can go to college!"
367
00:27:58,445 --> 00:28:00,045
Slow down!
368
00:28:01,894 --> 00:28:04,985
I think it's obvious high school is busting my ass.
369
00:28:06,275 --> 00:28:08,854
You can't go to no college with no GED!
370
00:28:09,295 --> 00:28:12,925
All you can go to with a GED is a community college.
371
00:28:12,925 --> 00:28:13,215
(small local public university)
372
00:28:13,215 --> 00:28:14,525
You know why are they called community colleges?
373
00:28:14,525 --> 00:28:19,394
Cause anybody in a community can go, "crackheads, prostitutes, drug dealers, come on in!"
374
00:28:21,814 --> 00:28:25,295
Community college is like a disco with books.
375
00:28:25,405 --> 00:28:28,025
"Here's ten dollars, let me get my learn on!"
376
00:28:29,575 --> 00:28:34,164
So ??? I went to community college, and I said ??? : "Let me take some shit I know."
377
00:28:34,215 --> 00:28:37,485
So I took a Black history class. I've got to know this, I'm black, right?
378
00:28:37,644 --> 00:28:40,014
I get a B just for showing up, right?
379
00:28:40,295 --> 00:28:43,584
Wrong! Failed. Ain't that some sad shit?
380
00:28:43,775 --> 00:28:47,095
A black man failing black history... that's sad....
381
00:28:47,095 --> 00:28:50,034
'Cause, you know, fat people don't fail cooking!
382
00:28:51,195 --> 00:28:53,184
"That's paprika!"
383
00:28:54,675 --> 00:28:58,695
Failed Black history. Why? 'Cause I didn't know shit about Africa!
384
00:28:58,744 --> 00:29:01,945
Cause you know, you go to white schools, you learn Europe up the ass.
385
00:29:02,025 --> 00:29:04,005
Never learn shit about... I still don't know shit about Africa.
386
00:29:04,005 --> 00:29:06,784
The only thing I know about Africa it's far.
387
00:29:07,664 --> 00:29:12,405
Africa is far, far away. Africa's like a 35-hour flight.
388
00:29:12,684 --> 00:29:15,624
So you know that boat ride was real long!
389
00:29:16,945 --> 00:29:20,854
The boat ride is so long there are still slaves on their way here!
390
00:29:24,055 --> 00:29:26,865
I didn't know nothing at school. All I knew was Martin Luther King.
391
00:29:26,945 --> 00:29:29,514
That's what they would teach you at school about blacks: Martin Luther King!
392
00:29:29,695 --> 00:29:31,885
That was my answer to everything, "Martin Luther King!"
393
00:29:33,224 --> 00:29:35,525
"What is the capital of Zaire?" "Martin Luther King!"
394
00:29:37,325 --> 00:29:40,985
"Can you tell us the name of the woman that would not leave her seat on the bus?" "Oh, that's hard ...
395
00:29:41,064 --> 00:29:43,155
"Are you sure it was a woman?
396
00:29:45,805 --> 00:29:49,025
"Oh, I've got it! Martina Luther King!"
397
00:29:53,075 --> 00:29:57,014
You know what is sad, man? ??? Martin Luther King stood for non-violence.
398
00:29:57,175 --> 00:29:59,874
Now what's Martin Luther King? A street!
399
00:30:00,184 --> 00:30:05,445
And I don't give a fuck where you are in America, if you're on a Martin Luther King Boulevard, there is some violence going down!
400
00:30:12,144 --> 00:30:14,874
It ain't the safest place to be.
401
00:30:15,025 --> 00:30:17,735
You can't call nobody telling them you're lost on MLK ...
402
00:30:17,814 --> 00:30:23,735
"I'm lost, I'm on the Martin Luther King ..." "Run! Run! Run!"
403
00:30:24,155 --> 00:30:26,365
"The media's there!"
404
00:30:30,494 --> 00:30:33,175
Sad, sad, sad!
405
00:30:33,684 --> 00:30:36,965
Now, a lot of women are here tonight. That's good.
406
00:30:37,034 --> 00:30:39,405
I like women. My mother is a woman and that helps.
407
00:30:40,135 --> 00:30:41,704
You know a cool thing about women?
408
00:30:41,885 --> 00:30:44,305
Women get to have platonic friends.
409
00:30:44,354 --> 00:30:46,284
"He's my pal, he's my bud ...
410
00:30:46,394 --> 00:30:49,204
"He is my platonic friend, I love him like a brother!
411
00:30:49,204 --> 00:30:52,684
"He's my bud, my platonic friend!"
412
00:30:52,934 --> 00:30:55,184
Men don't have platonic friends, ok?
413
00:30:55,305 --> 00:30:58,224
We just have women we haven't fucked yet!
414
00:31:01,675 --> 00:31:04,994
"As soon as I'm figuring this out, I'm in there!"
415
00:31:06,365 --> 00:31:11,905
We've got some platonic friends, we all do, I've got some but they're all by accident!
416
00:31:12,115 --> 00:31:15,224
Every platonic friend I've got is some woman I was trying to fuck ...
417
00:31:15,334 --> 00:31:17,805
... I made a wrong turn somewhere ...
418
00:31:18,764 --> 00:31:20,595
... And ended up in the Friend Zone!
419
00:31:20,644 --> 00:31:23,505
"Oh, no, I am in the Friend Zone!"
420
00:31:33,295 --> 00:31:35,744
Women keep platonic friends forever.
421
00:31:35,845 --> 00:31:38,704
Why? Because you never know ...
422
00:31:39,715 --> 00:31:41,825
That's right, they get rid of their girlfriends every 6 months!
423
00:31:41,854 --> 00:31:44,505
"What happened to Pam?" "She thinks she's cute."
424
00:31:45,514 --> 00:31:48,314
But they keep the platonic friends forever, why?
425
00:31:48,445 --> 00:31:50,454
'Cause you never know ...
426
00:31:50,874 --> 00:31:53,735
"What happened to Carol?" "I can't hang with her!"
427
00:31:53,965 --> 00:31:56,644
But they keep the platonic friends forever, why?
428
00:31:56,744 --> 00:31:58,965
'Cause you never know ...
429
00:32:00,405 --> 00:32:03,084
Do you know what a platonic friend is to a woman?
430
00:32:03,314 --> 00:32:06,255
It's like a dick in a glass case.
431
00:32:10,584 --> 00:32:13,624
"In case of emergency break open glass."
432
00:32:22,207 --> 00:32:26,076
Women got it good. Good, good, good, good, good.
433
00:32:26,096 --> 00:32:28,906
I don't know. I feel sorry for them sexually sometimes.
434
00:32:29,087 --> 00:32:32,716
Because men we only have one responsibiliy: knock it out, that's it.
435
00:32:32,796 --> 00:32:35,167
Be good in bed - that's your only responsibility.
436
00:32:35,167 --> 00:32:39,807
Women, you know, they can be good, but sometimes they're trying not to be too good, you know what I mean?
437
00:32:39,857 --> 00:32:43,026
Sometimes women have to ration out their pussy, you know?
438
00:32:43,076 --> 00:32:47,357
So they want a man to think he's got a good woman, but do not want him to think he's got a ???.
439
00:32:48,187 --> 00:32:49,596
And so they've got to ration out their pussy.
440
00:32:49,627 --> 00:32:53,156
"Ok, I'm gonna fuck him now, but I won't suck his dick for two weeks."
441
00:32:53,287 --> 00:32:57,127
"All right, I'm gonna suck his dick now, but I won't lick his balls till next month."
442
00:32:57,147 --> 00:33:01,477
"All right, I'm gonna lick his balls now, but I won't lick his ass till next year!"
443
00:33:06,218 --> 00:33:10,618
Men, we've got to use ??? all our tricks right away, whatever we've got, just give it..... whatever.
444
00:33:13,897 --> 00:33:15,618
We can hold nothing back.
445
00:33:16,138 --> 00:33:19,178
We don't know if there's gonna be a return engagement.
446
00:33:19,507 --> 00:33:21,777
So we've to to go for it ????.
447
00:33:23,868 --> 00:33:25,647
I just don't know ...
448
00:33:26,288 --> 00:33:30,718
I've just had ??? another phase in my life, at another point in my life, you know.
449
00:33:30,828 --> 00:33:33,968
It's time to settle down, time to settle down.
450
00:33:34,198 --> 00:33:36,567
That's what time it is, time to settle down.
451
00:33:36,877 --> 00:33:38,788
Women are always ready to settle down.
452
00:33:39,377 --> 00:33:42,678
Shit, woman goes to four good dates, she's like, "Why we bullshit? ???
453
00:33:44,047 --> 00:33:45,828
"What are you waiting for?"
454
00:33:46,908 --> 00:33:48,868
Men are never ready to settle down.
455
00:33:48,998 --> 00:33:51,857
Men don't settle down. We surrender!
456
00:33:53,118 --> 00:33:55,877
"All right, all right, I'll marry you, that's right! ???
457
00:33:55,948 --> 00:34:01,728
"All right, dammit! Ok. Just tell me the day before and I'll be there, ok?"
458
00:34:05,127 --> 00:34:08,607
No offense, but you've got... every man's got... especially man, you've got to settle down.
459
00:34:08,707 --> 00:34:13,067
Do you know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club.
460
00:34:17,417 --> 00:34:20,928
You know what I'm talking about. Any club you go into, there's always one old guy.
461
00:34:20,978 --> 00:34:24,277
He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.
462
00:34:26,897 --> 00:34:30,428
You do not want to be that brother. So you've got to settle down.
463
00:34:30,768 --> 00:34:35,067
So I get to a point in life where you've got to figure out what is important to you.
464
00:34:35,638 --> 00:34:39,968
On the one hand you've got commitment. You and your woman together.
465
00:34:40,047 --> 00:34:45,687
Living, sharing, loving, growing. It is the most beautiful thing in the world.
466
00:34:46,027 --> 00:34:47,388
And you know that.
467
00:34:48,808 --> 00:34:54,397
But before you can settle down, you've got to get over this other shit ...
468
00:34:55,228 --> 00:34:58,268
That's right, 'cause every man's got a choice to make.
469
00:34:58,337 --> 00:35:02,308
Every single man in here has got a choice to make.
470
00:35:02,667 --> 00:35:04,707
And you know what that choice is.
471
00:35:04,937 --> 00:35:06,377
Commitment ...
472
00:35:07,308 --> 00:35:08,877
... Or new pussy!
473
00:35:11,897 --> 00:35:13,518
That is the question!
474
00:35:14,448 --> 00:35:17,698
Commitment ... or new pussy!
475
00:35:18,748 --> 00:35:21,687
You know, commitment may give you a headache every now and then ...
476
00:35:22,268 --> 00:35:25,147
... new pussy always clears your mind!
477
00:35:33,107 --> 00:35:36,047
But you've got to think about life in the long term.
478
00:35:36,198 --> 00:35:38,908
Now, people tell you life is short. No, it is not.
479
00:35:39,288 --> 00:35:44,348
Life is long. Especially if you make the wrong decisions!
480
00:35:46,917 --> 00:35:48,728
And in the long term ...
481
00:35:49,337 --> 00:35:52,748
... If I'm sick, is new pussy going to take care of me? No!
482
00:35:53,928 --> 00:35:58,928
If I'm hungry, is new pussy going to feed me? New pussy can't cook!
483
00:36:00,968 --> 00:36:05,757
If I've got a baby, is new pussy going to teach him how to read? New pussy is illiterate!
484
00:36:07,978 --> 00:36:09,957
So I've got to come back to commitment.
485
00:36:10,007 --> 00:36:12,377
And turn this old pussy into new pussy!
486
00:36:13,027 --> 00:36:15,937
That's right, I've got to recycle the pussy!
487
00:36:21,788 --> 00:36:25,058
I've got to recycle the pussy!
488
00:36:25,527 --> 00:36:30,087
Because that's what a relationship is all about: recycling, keeping it new.
489
00:36:30,107 --> 00:36:32,718
If it ain't new, it's through!
490
00:36:36,198 --> 00:36:41,248
But fellas, if you decide to commit, you've got to commit.
491
00:36:41,507 --> 00:36:43,047
You've got to commit.
492
00:36:43,098 --> 00:36:46,868
Can't cheat. Wanna cheat? Can't cheat!
493
00:36:47,917 --> 00:36:50,647
Dying to cheat? Can't cheat!
494
00:36:51,087 --> 00:36:54,417
??? Can't wait to cheat? Can't cheat!
495
00:36:54,667 --> 00:36:57,788
Shit, some guys have got to go to rehab not to cheat!
496
00:36:59,797 --> 00:37:01,547
It is hard not to cheat.
497
00:37:01,578 --> 00:37:04,468
Women don't want to hear that shit, it's hard not to cheat!
498
00:37:04,487 --> 00:37:06,038
Do you know why it is hard not to cheat?
499
00:37:06,058 --> 00:37:11,087
'Cause women like men that are in relationship. Guys know what I'm talking about.
500
00:37:11,118 --> 00:37:14,897
When you were single, nobody was thinking about your ugly ass.
501
00:37:16,317 --> 00:37:20,007
But then your woman got a hold of you, she cut your hair, washed you down,
502
00:37:20,007 --> 00:37:23,147
gave you a Life Saver, wiped out the crusts around your eyes ...
503
00:37:23,848 --> 00:37:25,957
... Now everybody wants to fuck you!
504
00:37:26,678 --> 00:37:29,748
When you were single, nobody was calling your ass up!
505
00:37:29,797 --> 00:37:32,998
Now your phone's ringing off the hook. Crazy, freaky sex calls, like:
506
00:37:32,998 --> 00:37:36,837
"Hey, what are you doing? You know, me and my girlfriend are having a dick-sucking contest"
507
00:37:37,687 --> 00:37:40,058
"And we thought you'd be a good judge."
508
00:37:41,288 --> 00:37:43,297
You never got that call when you were single.
509
00:37:43,328 --> 00:37:45,748
Now you get it every Tuesday!
510
00:37:47,132 --> 00:37:49,132
You can't cheat.
511
00:37:49,033 --> 00:37:50,942
And you know why? 'Cause you're gonna get caught!
512
00:37:51,973 --> 00:37:56,743
You're gonna get... I don't care who you are, you're 007 you're gonna get caught!
513
00:37:57,593 --> 00:38:00,343
You are gonna get caught.
514
00:38:00,343 --> 00:38:01,812
And you don't want to get caught.
515
00:38:01,843 --> 00:38:07,562
Well, I'd rather get caught stealing some shit from the government than to get caught cheating on a woman.
516
00:38:08,153 --> 00:38:11,923
'Cause I got caught out there ????. Five years ago.
517
00:38:12,252 --> 00:38:14,212
I remember like it was yesterday.
518
00:38:16,173 --> 00:38:18,513
The woman found two condoms in my pocket ...
519
00:38:19,803 --> 00:38:21,892
... but it was a pack of three!
520
00:38:28,562 --> 00:38:31,272
And all I heard was: "Where's the other condom?
521
00:38:31,633 --> 00:38:36,272
"Where's the other condom? Where the fuck is the other condom? Where is the condom?"
522
00:38:36,712 --> 00:38:39,162
Yo, women are just like the police.
523
00:38:39,622 --> 00:38:43,692
They can have all the evidence in the world, but they want the confession!
524
00:38:50,962 --> 00:38:53,153
"I know you did it, just admit it.
525
00:38:53,232 --> 00:38:55,553
"I know you did it, just admit it.
526
00:38:55,622 --> 00:38:57,763
"I know you did it, I've got it all filmed!
527
00:38:57,792 --> 00:39:00,522
"I know you did it, just admit it.
528
00:39:00,522 --> 00:39:04,203
"I found a blond hair. You was fucking a cracker-ass cracker ???, was you?
529
00:39:04,232 --> 00:39:07,312
"I know you did it, just admit it.
530
00:39:07,792 --> 00:39:10,573
"Can you be a man? Can you be a fucking man?
531
00:39:10,622 --> 00:39:13,383
"??? I wasn't good? Did she toss your salad?
532
00:39:13,433 --> 00:39:15,852
"I know you did, just admit it."
533
00:39:19,203 --> 00:39:22,582
And if that don't work, the woman will get psychological on your ass ???.
534
00:39:22,582 --> 00:39:24,903
They'll try to trick you into confessing.
535
00:39:24,982 --> 00:39:29,102
Then they start going, "It'll be all right if you just say you did it.
536
00:39:30,392 --> 00:39:33,073
"It'll be all right if you just say you did it.
537
00:39:33,173 --> 00:39:36,372
"Honey, it'll be all right if you just say you did it."
538
00:39:36,423 --> 00:39:40,392
And you hear that shit 900 times, you start losing your mind.
539
00:39:40,442 --> 00:39:42,912
You start thinking: "I guess it'll be all right ...
540
00:39:46,653 --> 00:39:48,482
"... If I just say I did it!
541
00:39:48,502 --> 00:39:49,743
"Honey, I did it, it's all right?"
542
00:39:49,772 --> 00:39:53,453
"No, it ain't ??? ! I can't believe you did that!"
543
00:39:53,482 --> 00:39:57,453
"But I thought you said you knew it." "I didn't know till you told me!"
544
00:40:00,953 --> 00:40:04,513
And time goes by ... and she forgives you!
545
00:40:05,332 --> 00:40:07,392
But she never forgets!
546
00:40:10,723 --> 00:40:14,042
And you're driving to your grandmother's house and say, "Oh, babe, I'll make a right turn right here."
547
00:40:14,073 --> 00:40:15,823
"Did you make a right with that bitch?
548
00:40:17,633 --> 00:40:21,522
"From now on, no matter where we are going, it's all left turns, do you understand?"
549
00:40:24,692 --> 00:40:28,973
And you know what the craziest shit is? You cheated on your wife. She shouldn't be trusting you no more.
550
00:40:29,022 --> 00:40:31,653
But she does. Eventually she does.
551
00:40:31,703 --> 00:40:35,412
But you know what happens now? Now you don't trust her!
552
00:40:37,392 --> 00:40:41,823
You cheated on her, and now you don't trust her. What kind of ignorant shit is that?
553
00:40:43,912 --> 00:40:46,462
You know what happened? You have just fucked around your woman.
554
00:40:46,513 --> 00:40:48,223
You know what happens when you fuck around your woman?
555
00:40:48,223 --> 00:40:51,133
You just gave her a get-some-dick free card!
556
00:40:54,712 --> 00:40:57,312
And you never know when she's going to cash it in!
557
00:40:58,372 --> 00:41:02,343
You might get to the point she found that you were cheating, she wants to break up.
558
00:41:02,392 --> 00:41:04,502
If she wants to break up, run!
559
00:41:04,863 --> 00:41:06,852
You got off lucky!
560
00:41:07,082 --> 00:41:09,013
But you ain't gonna get that lucky, no, no, no!
561
00:41:09,122 --> 00:41:11,363
As soon as you get to the door she's like, "No, no!
562
00:41:11,593 --> 00:41:13,272
"Let's work it out!"
563
00:41:15,042 --> 00:41:17,723
You know what "work it out" means? Payback!
564
00:41:18,113 --> 00:41:19,812
You know what the first part of payback is?
565
00:41:19,812 --> 00:41:22,593
You ain't getting no pussy for a long time!
566
00:41:23,703 --> 00:41:27,232
Boy, you ain't gonna get no pussy until the Bills win the Super Bowl!
567
00:41:33,573 --> 00:41:35,743
And she's gonna make sure you are getting no new pussy either,
568
00:41:35,743 --> 00:41:38,683
because she'll give you a beeper, a cellular phone, a car phone,
569
00:41:38,703 --> 00:41:41,562
??? anklet like a prisoner ...
570
00:41:41,772 --> 00:41:43,573
... And every time you leave the house you'll have to check in:
571
00:41:43,602 --> 00:41:47,642
"I'm outside. I'm on the court. I'm in the car. I'm on the road. I'm at the supermarket.
572
00:41:47,673 --> 00:41:53,113
"I bought a packet of fries ???. I am coming home. I got some butter. I'm on my way. I run a red light. The cops are chasing me.
573
00:41:53,133 --> 00:41:55,843
"They're chasing me. They are chasing me. I run out of the car.
574
00:41:55,863 --> 00:42:02,102
"They shot me in the leg. I'm hopping. I'm hopping. I'm almost home. I'm almost home. I'm in the driveway.
575
00:42:02,153 --> 00:42:05,173
"I'm right next to you. I LOVE YOU!"
54411
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