All language subtitles for Amy.Schumer.Mostly.Sex.Stuff.2012.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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[rock music]

*

[animals chittering]

[unicorns grunting]

[cheers and applause]

[Anya Marina's Flinty plays]

*

>> FUCK YEAH!

[cheers and applause]

THIS IS SUCH

A BIG NIGHT FOR YOU.

BUT I'M CELEBRATING.

I FINALLY JUST SLEPT

WITH MY HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH.

[cheers and applause]

RIGHT?

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, BUT I SWEAR, NOW HE,

LIKE, EXPECTS ME TO GO

TO HIS GRADUATION.

LIKE I KNOW WHERE I'M GONNA BE

IN THREE YEARS, RIGHT?

I'M LIKE, "WHOA!"

SLOW IT DOWN.

FUCKING KIDS, RIGHT?

FUCKING SMALL KIDS.

YOU LOOK, LIKE, UPSET.

LIKE, I DON'T FUCK KIDS.

THAT'S A JOKE.

LIKE, I WOULD NEVER--

I SHOULDN'T SAY NEVER.

THAT'S LIKE--YOU DON'T KNOW.

I FEEL LIKE I JUST PAINTED

MYSELF IN A CORNER THERE.

BUT, UM, THAT'S NOT

A GOOD WAY TO START.

THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL THEATER.

I SHOULD BE REALLY GRATEFUL.

I WORKED AT A FISH RESTAURANT

LAST WEEK.

LIKE, I DID STAND-UP

AT A FISH RESTAURANT,

JUST SO YOU GUYS KNOW.

THAT'S NOT A JOKE.

PEOPLE WERE, LIKE,

EATING MUSSELS,

AND THEY WERE JUST LIKE,

"CHECK."

AND I WAS LIKE, "CAN YOU JUST

LET ME TRY AND PURSUE MY DREAM?"

AND THIS PLACE IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

I SHOULD HAVE STARTED OFF

WITH SOMETHING OTHER

THAN KID FUCKING.

YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT.

START OVER.

CLASS IT UP.

MY MOM'S A CUNT.

HEAR ME OUT.

GO WITH ME ON THIS, YOU GUYS.

UM, I KNOW, LIKE, NOT EVERYONE'S

COMFORTABLE WITH THAT WORD.

HALF OF YOU WERE LIKE,

"UGH," RIGHT?

"NO, DON'T SAY THAT,"

AND THE OTHER HALF OF YOU WERE

LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE."

"THAT CUNT SHOULD MEET

MY CUNT MOM."

I JUST--I BROUGHT HER

TO A SOCCER GAME

'CAUSE I WANTED HER TO SEE

WHAT BOUNDARIES LOOKED LIKE,

YOU KNOW?

I WAS LIKE, "LOOK,

STOP WEARING MY CLOTHES."

HA.

SHE'S ALWAYS BRAGGING

ABOUT THE DUMBEST STUFF.

THE OTHER DAY SHE WAS

TELLING ME, SHE WAS LIKE,

"YOU KNOW, I CAN STILL FIT

IN MY WEDDING DRESS,"

I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

WHO CARES?"

RIGHT?

I MEAN, IT IS WEIRD

THAT SHE'S THE SAME SIZE NOW

AS SHE WAS WHEN SHE

WAS EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT,

BUT I JUST--

I DON'T THINK BRAGGING'S COOL.

ARE YOU OKAY?

YOU'RE, LIKE, CHOKING.

NO?

ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO TALENT?

[cheering]

HI, HI.

I'M JUST KIDDING.

ARE YOU OKAY, REALLY?

YOU NEED ANYTHING?

OKAY.

OH, GOD.

I DON'T NEED ANOTHER DEATH

UNDER MY BELT.

SPEAKING OF ME TAKING PLAN "B"

LAST WEEK, I--I DID.

YOU KNOW--

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE HERE--

IT'S THE MORNING-AFTER PILL.

I TAKE IT THE NIGHT BEFORE

'CAUSE I'M SMART.

BUT SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO--

I'M WITH YOU GOOD PEOPLE.

I BELIEVE BIRTH

BEGINS AT CONCEPTION.

SO I JUST, LIKE, BEAT THAT SHIT.

UH...

PLAN BIZZLE.

WHO'S TAKEN IT?

WHO'S TAKEN IT?

THANK YOU.

OH, SORRY,

A ROOM OF HEROES.

EVERYONE'S LIKE, "EH."

THIS PLACE IS OLD.

THERE'S PROBABLY--

YOU'RE PROBABLY BEING

INSEMINATED BY THE SEATS

RIGHT NOW, LET'S BE REAL.

I DID, I TOOK IT.

IT'S OVER THE--

I WENT TO MY NORMAL PHARMACY,

I WALK IN,

THE PHARMACIST IS LIKE,

"HEY, AME."

I'M LIKE, "PLEASE DON'T

CALL ME A NICKNAME."

HE'S LIKE,

"WHAT DO YOU WANT, AMBIEN?"

I'M LIKE, "NO,

I'M NOT ADDICTED TO THAT.

YOU GUYS KNOW THAT.

I ONLY TAKE THAT

WHEN I'M DRINKING."

THEY'RE LIKE,

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

I WAS LIKE, "PLAN 'B,'"

AND THEY WERE LIKE--

THEY DIDN'T EVEN HIDE IT.

THEY WERE LIKE, "EW, YOU WHORE."

I WAS LIKE, "YOU CAN'T--

YOU CAN'T SAY THAT."

THEY'RE LIKE,

"YOU'RE GONNA FEEL NAUSEOUS."

I WAS LIKE, "UGH."

I TOOK IT,

I FELT FINE.

I WENT TO YOGA.

I'M LIKE,

"CAN THESE PEOPLE TELL

I'M, LIKE, MID-ABORSH RIGHT NOW?

THIS IS..."

[hums]

THIS IS NOT GOOD.

IT WAS EASY.

THEY SHOULD CALL IT PLAN "A."

THAT'S HOW I USED IT.

IT'S A GREAT PLAN.

LET'S START WITH THIS ONE.

I--I DON'T--

I DON'T THINK THAT'S,

LIKE, ADORABLE

THAT I JUST TOOK PLAN "B."

I'M 31.

LIKE, THAT'S NOT CUTE AT ALL.

THAT'S CUTE WHEN YOU'RE, LIKE,

YOU'RE LIKE 21, RIGHT?

YOU GO,

YOU SIT ON YOUR MOM'S BED,

YOU CRY, YOU'RE LIKE,

"OH, THE CONDOM BROKE."

I'M LIKE, "THE WHAT BROKE?"

"WHAT NOW?

WHAT'S THIS YOU SPEAK OF?"

I DO, I STILL THINK I'M 20.

IT'S SO GROSS.

LIKE, EVERY BAR I GO TO,

I SHOW MY I.D.

THEY'RE LIKE, "NO, THAT'S OKAY."

LIKE, "WOW, THEY'RE

REALLY RELAXED HERE.

I HOPE THEY DON'T GET RAIDED.

THIS PLACE, I DON'T KNOW."

BUT THE GIRLS I GREW UP WITH,

THEY'RE LIVING

NORMAL ADULT LIVES, YOU KNOW.

SO THEY CALL ME NOW, AND THEY'RE

LIKE, "AME, I'M PREGNANT."

AND I STILL REACT LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"

I'M LIKE,

"I'LL DRIVE YOU, I GUESS."

THEY'RE LIKE,

"NO, YOU'RE GROSS,"

I'M LIKE,

"OH, WE KEEP THEM NOW."

KEEP THEM.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE REALITY SHOW.

YOU KNOW THE SHOW TEEN MOM.

OR IF YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH,

MOM.

THEY DON'T WAIT, RIGHT?

THIS IS POOR PLANNING

ON MY PART.

I'M KIND OF DIZZY.

I DONATED BLOOD TODAY.

THAT'S WHAT I CALL

GETTING AN AIDS TEST.

I KNOW, THAT J--

PEOPLE, LIKE, HATE THAT JOKE

IF THEY HAVE AIDS.

SO IF YOU DIDN'T LAUGH,

GET TESTED.

CHECK IT OUT.

CHECK IT OUT.

YOU HAVE IT.

YOU HAVE IT.

I'M A HEALER.

I WENT THROUGH

A BREAKUP THIS YEAR.

I WAS DATING THIS GUY.

I WALKED IN ON HIM

MASTURBATING.

YEAH, HE'S LIKE, "ARE YOU MAD?"

I'M LIKE, "UH, NO,

BUT YOU SEEM TO BE.

HOLY SHIT."

I'M LIKE,

"DOES IT OWE YOU MONEY?

WHY ARE YOU...

IS THAT WATERBOARDING?

I DON'T FEEL SAFE."

ME AND THIS GUY,

WE WERE SO DIFFERENT.

I KNEW WE WERE--LIKE, HE WAS,

LIKE, REALLY INTO FAMILY.

YOU KNOW,

AND I MENTIONED MY MOM.

LIKE, HE'D NEVER COME ON

THE ROAD WITH ME ON THE WEEKENDS

'CAUSE HE WANTED

TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS WIFE.

AND I JUST--

I'M BETTER.

NO, THE TRUTH IS I THOUGHT

HE WAS GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME

THE WHOLE TIME

FOR THE LAMEST REASON:

BECAUSE I WOULDN'T SWALLOW.

BUT I HAVE A NUT ALLERGY.

LIKE, WHAT DID HE EXPECT?

I'M GONNA RISK MY LIFE...

FOR HIS EMPTY CALORIES?

NO!

STOP TELLING US

IT'S GOOD FOR OUR SKIN.

FUCK YOU GUYS.

[cheering]

ONE GIRL WAS LIKE, "OH, OKAY."

GUYS ARE SO GROSS, RIGHT?

GUYS ARE GROSS.

YOU'RE GROSS, OKAY?

THEY'RE SO GROSS.

I HAD SEX WITH A GUY RECENTLY,

MORE SEMEN THAN YOU'VE

EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE.

I WAS LIKE, "DID YOU

JUST GET OUT OF JAIL?

WHAT'S--

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?"

"IT'S A COMPLIMENT."

"NO, NO."

BUT THAT'S WHAT GUYS WANT

'CAUSE THEY'RE SO GROSS.

IF IT WERE UP TO THEM,

WE'D ALL LOOK LIKE CARRIE

IN THE PROM SCENE AT THE END,

JUST, "UGH."

NO GIRL WANTS THAT.

WE DON'T WANT THAT.

WE'RE LAZIER THAN YOU.

IF IT WERE UP TO ME,

THE CLEANUP WOULD BE ME TAKING

A Q-TIP GOING, BOOP, ASLEEP.

THAT'S IT.

INSTEAD I WAS LIKE,

"I'VE BEEN SLIMED.

I FEEL LIKE A CONTESTANT

ON DOUBLE DARE RIGHT NOW."

[applause]

LET ME JUST GET THIS SELF-WORTH

OFF ME REAL QUICK.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T LIKE PORN.

WELL, I LIKE TO WATCH PORN.

LIKE, WHAT GIRLS IN HERE

LIKE PORN?

[women cheer]

THANK YOU.

I LOVE IT.

ALL THE--ALL THE WHORES

ARE IN THE FRONT.

THIS IS THE BEST.

GIRLS IN THE BACK ARE,

LIKE, READING BOOKS.

THEY'RE LIKE,

"50 SHADES OF WHAT?"

THAT REFERENCE WILL NOT BE FUNNY

BY THE TIME THIS SHOW COMES OUT.

PEOPLE WILL BE LIKE,

"WHAT A HACK.

OH, GOD."

MORE REFERENCES

ABOUT RIGHT NOW,

HOW 'BOUT SANDUSKY--NO.

WASTING EVERYONE'S TIME

IN THE EDITING ROOM.

SO, YEAH, I LIKE PORN.

I LIKE THAT CASTING DIRECTOR

ONE, THAT'S FUNNY.

HE NEVER FINDS THE RIGHT GIRL.

WHAT DO THESE GIRLS HAVE TO DO?

I DON'T LIKE TO WATCH

THE END OF PORN.

I DON'T LIKE TO WATCH

THE END OF ANY PORN

'CAUSE GUESS WHAT HAPPENS

AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW

EVERY TIME.

SPOILER ALERT,

HE CUMS ON HER FACE.

OH, WHAT AN AMAZING

CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN ADVENTURE.

THAT ALWAYS ENDS

EXACTLY THE SAME.

THERE'S NEVER A TWIST, RIGHT?

HE'S NEVER LIKE--

THE GUY IS HAVING SEX WITH HER,

AND HE LOOKS OFF CAMERA

IN HER BACKPACK, HE'S LIKE,

"OH, ARE YOU READING THAT

NICHOLAS SPARKS BOOK TOO?

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?

LET'S START A BED

AND BREAKFAST TOGETHER."

NO.

HE JUST CUMS ON HER HEAD.

WE DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT.

I DON'T WANT--

'CAUSE WE THINK ABOUT THAT GIRL.

LIKE, THAT POOR GIRL,

AND WE KNOW, AS SOON AS

THE DIRECTOR YELLS "CUT,"

THAT SHE'S JUST STUMBLING

AROUND LIKE HELEN KELLER

LOOKING FOR A TOWEL,

JUST WHERE--

"DID YOU GUYS GO TO LUNCH?

THIS ISN'T COOL.

YOU PROMISE THIS IS GOOD

FOR MY SKIN?"

THAT'S SO FUNNY.

AM I THE ONLY PERSON

WHO EVER WALKED TO THE AUDIENCE

DURING THEIR SPECIAL?

THREE LITTLE ASIAN CHICKS

WERE JUST LIKE...

AND THAT'S NOT RACIST,

THAT'S JUST--

I'M JUST SAYING THAT THAT'S

HOW ALL ASIAN PEOPLE WALK.

JUST VERY CREEPY.

I KNOW I'M IN SAN FRAN.

I SHOULD WATCH MY BACK.

BUT, UH, I THINK I COULD

TAKE THOSE GIRLS.

THAT WAS FUNNY,

I WAS WATCHING THEM.

LIKE, EVERY TIME I REFERENCED

SEMEN, THEY WERE JUST LIKE,

"OH, NO."

YES.

IT'S NOT FOR SHOCK VALUE.

THIS HAPPENS, RIGHT?

COME ON, YOU GUYS,

WE'VE ALL TAKEN A LOAD

SOMEWHERE WE'RE NOT PROUD OF.

SO...

LIKE, MY MOM'S HERE.

UM...

SO THE GUY I WAS DATING,

HE WAS, LIKE, SO LAZY.

HE WAS ONE OF THOSE DUDES, LIKE,

HE WOULDN'T GO DOWN ON ME.

I HAD TO BECOME A CLIMBER

EVERY TIME, YOU KNOW.

HEAD UP THERE,

JUST HOLDING ON TO THE HEADBOARD

LIKE A NOSY NEIGHBOR

PEEKING OVER THE FENCE.

I FEEL LIKE WILSON

FROM HOME IMPROVEMENT.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, TOOL MAN,

WHAT'S, UH..."

THAT WAS EMBARRASSING UP THERE,

THAT'S THE WORST DISMOUNT

IN THE BIZ,

I DON'T CARE HOW YOU SLICE IT.

SO I'M, LIKE, SINGLE NOW,

I'M DATING.

I SUCK AT DATING.

I GO OUT WITH THESE GUYS.

THIS GUY WANTED TO GO DANCING

THE OTHER NIGHT.

LIKE, HAVE YOU EVER HAD

A GUY WHO'S TRYING TO DATE YOU

BE LIKE, "LET'S DANCE"?

IT'S LIKE, "UH, I DON'T KNOW."

I'M LIKE, "IT'S--"

I'M LIKE, "LOOK, I THINK YOU

WANT TO GO TO THE PARADE."

AND IT'S ALSO 'CAUSE

I'M THE WORST DANCER.

I DANCE LIKE YOUR--

LIKE YOUR AUNT AT A WEDDING.

LIKE, EVERY MOVE I DO,

I'M SURPRISING MYSELF.

I'M JUST LIKE,

"OH, WH--WHAT?

WHOA, WHOA.

NOBODY SAW IT GOING THIS WAY."

EVERYBODY SAW IT GOING THAT WAY.

IT'S SO AWFUL.

SO I'M, LIKE, DATING NOW.

I'M, LIKE, GOING ON DATES.

WHENEVER I START SEEING SOMEONE,

I'M LIKE THIS ALTERNATE

VERSION OF MYSELF.

IT'S JUST LIKE--

I'M JUST LIKE, YOU KNOW, TRYING

TO BE SUPER COOL NEW GIRL.

I'M LIKE, "LET ME JUST SWEEP

THIS CRAZY UNDER THE RUG

FOR A COUPLE MONTHS.

YOU DON'T NEED TO--

YOU DON'T NEED TO SEE THIS

TILL MONTH THREE."

I WENT ON A DATE

WITH A GUY RECENTLY,

AND HE WAS, LIKE, REALLY HOT.

SO I WAS PRETENDING TO BE

A GOOD PERSON, YOU KNOW.

I WAS SAYING THINGS LIKE,

"I LOVE KIDS,

AND I'M NOT RACIST."

JUST VAGUE LIES.

AND YOU HAVE TO, LIKE, PRETEND

LIKE YOU WANT TO USE A CONDOM.

I LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING FUN

WHEN I BRING IT UP, BUT HONEST.

I'LL BE LIKE,

"YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO WEAR THIS.

I'VE HAD BUSY MONTH.

IT'S LIKE A PETRI DISH

RIGHT NOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING."

PEOPLE ARE SO UPSET

ABOUT MY VAGINA RIGHT NOW.

THEY'RE LIKE, "NO!"

HERE--BUT THIS GUY,

WE WENT OUT,

AND HE WAS LIKE--

YOU CAN TELL

WHEN A GUY DATES A LOT.

HE HAD, LIKE, DATE QUESTIONS.

HE WAS LIKE, "IF YOU COULD

HAVE LUNCH WITH ANYBODY,

LIVING OR DEAD,

WHO WOULD IT BE?"

I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

I ANSWERED HONESTLY,

I WAS LIKE, "MARK TWAIN.

I THINK HE WAS HILARIOUS."

AND HE GOES, "PFFT, AMY,

IT'S GOT TO BE SOMEBODY REAL."

I WAS LIKE, "OH,

YOU'RE LEGIT RETARDED.

THAT'S SO CUTE.

I'M GONNA SLEEP

WITH A RETARDED PERSON."

I DID.

SO I'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD

A LOT LATELY,

AND EVERY TOWN I GO TO,

YOU HAVE TO DO, LIKE,

LOCAL PRESS, YOU KNOW.

THE, LIKE,

GREENVILLE WHO GIVES A SHIT.

LIKE EVERYBODY HAS A PAPER.

AND THEY ALL ASK THE SAME

QUESTIONS EVERY WEEK.

THEY ASK ME

THE SAME EXACT QUESTION.

THEY'RE JUST LIKE,

"WHAT'S THE HARDEST PART

ABOUT BEING A FEMALE COMEDIAN?

WHAT IS IT?

WHAT'S THE HARDEST PART?"

AND, LIKE,

WHAT WOULD YOU GUESS?

>> UM...

>> WELL, IT'S THE RAPE.

THE THREE ASIAN CHICKS

JUST WALKED BACK IN HERE,

AND I SAID THAT,

AND THEY WENT...

NO, BUT IT IS.

IT'S ALL THE RAPINGS.

NO--BUT THEY ASK--

THEY'RE JUST LIKE--

AND I GUESS IT'S

A NORMAL QUESTION,

"IS IT HARDER FOR FEMALE COMICS?

IS IT HARDER?"

AND IT'S NOT.

LIKE, THEY THINK WE JUST

GET UP HERE AND JUST BLEED

ALL OVER THE STAGE.

I'M JUST, "OH, MY OVARIES.

HOW DO I KEEP THEM IN MY BODY?"

LIKE, IT'S TOTALLY NOT HARDER.

IT'S HARDER TO BE A CHICK

IN GENERAL, FOR SURE.

THAT SUCKS.

THAT'S NOT FUN.

RIGHT?

RIGHT, GIRLS?

NO, IT IS.

IT SUCKS.

JUST IN TERMS OF LAZINESS.

LIKE, LOOK AT THE GUYS

YOU'RE HERE WITH TONIGHT, OKAY?

SOME OF THEM BANGABLE,

NOT ALL OF THEM.

LET'S BE REAL.

LET'S KEEP IT HONEST, OKAY?

BUT, LIKE, WHAT DID YOU DO

TO GET READY, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU

TO GET READY?

YOU DIDN'T GET READY

IS THE ANSWER.

GUYS DON'T DO SHIT.

THEY PUT A SHIRT ON,

GIVE THEMSELVES ONE OF THESE

IN THE MIRROR,

THEY'RE OUT.

[applause]

THEY'RE LIKE,

"I DID IT, BRO.

I FUCKING DID IT."

"WHAT DID YOU DO?"

SOME GUYS TAKE

A LITTLE MORE TIME.

I DATED A GUY FROM PHILLY

FOR A WHILE.

IS ANYBODY HERE

FROM PHILADELPHIA?

[scattered cheering]

YEAH?

OKAY, SOME SASSY BABES.

NO DUDES THOUGH.

BUT TELL ME

IF I'M RIGHT ABOUT THIS.

WELL, JUST AGREE, 'CAUSE

THIS IS FOR MY TV SPECIAL.

LIKE, THOSE DUDES WILL BEAT YOU

TO DEATH WITH A SACK

OF BATTERIES, BUT THEY GET

THEIR EYEBROWS WAXED.

YOU KNOW THE KIND OF GUY

I'M TALKING ABOUT?

I WAS AT A MET GAME--

THANK YOU.

AND, UH, IT WAS METS, PHILLIES,

AND I'M SITTING BEHIND

THIRD BASE.

AND THESE HUGE PHILLY MEATHEADS

ARE HECKLING DAVID WRIGHT.

THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU SUCK, WRIGHT.

YOU'RE THE WORST.

WE HATE YOU."

AND SO I SAID,

"YOU'RE VERY ATTRACTIVE!"

AND THE BIGGEST ONE OF THEM

GOES, "TRUE."

BUT MOST GUYS DON'T DO SHIT.

LIKE, LOOK AT THE SHIRTS

YOU GUYS ARE WEARING.

EVERY ONE OF YOU THAT I CAN SEE,

YOU COULD HAVE WORN THAT

WHEN YOU WERE A TODDLER

ON PICTURE DAY.

EVERY ONE.

NO DIFFERENCE,

CHECK IT OUT.

BUT LOOK AT THE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS

YOU'RE WITH.

LOOK AT--

IT'S SO MUCH WORK FOR US.

IT TAKES ME 90 MINUTES

TO LOOK THIS MEDIOCRE.

90 MINUTES.

TONIGHT IT TOOK EIGHT HOURS,

OKAY?

I SLEPT SITTING UP,

I SLEPT LIKE THIS.

IT'S SO MUCH WORK.

OH, WE'RE LIKE CLOWNS.

WE ARE CIRCUS FREAKS, WOMEN,

WE ARE.

WE--WE PUT PAINT ON OUR FACES

LIKE WARRIORS.

WE'RE--I'M WEARING STILTS.

WE WEAR STILTS.

WE WEAR HEELS ALL NIGHT.

AND WE PUT A STRING

IN OUR BUTT HOLES, JUST...

[imitates circus music]

*

"AH, AM I PRETTY?"

WE WEAR JEWELRY,

SHINY SHIT--

"LOOK OVER HERE,

FOLLOW ME TO THE ALTAR."

[imitates circus music]

*

UGH.

IT SUCKS.

IT SUCKS.

I THINK AS A WOMAN

AS YOU GET OLDER,

YOU GET LAZIER

JUST BY LOOKING AROUND.

NO, I JUST--

I WORK IN VEGAS A LOT.

THAT DOESN'T SOUND AWESOME.

BUT I DO STAND-UP

IN VEGAS A LOT,

AND I SEE THESE PACKS

OF YOUNG GIRLS

THAT STILL HAVE THE ENERGY,

YOU KNOW.

JUST A PACK OF GIRLS

ALL WEARING TUBE DRESSES, RIGHT?

AND JUST--THE HEELS

THEY CAN'T HANDLE.

THEY HAVE TO HOLD EACH OTHER

AND DO, LIKE, WIZARD OF OZ WALK,

CHAIN GANG KIND OF...

THEY ALL LOOK IDENTICAL.

IT LOOKS LIKE A WHORE COMPUTER

JUST SHOT OUT A PROTOTYPE,

AND THEY JUST STARTED WALKING.

"TONIGHT,

TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT, YOU GUYS."

I LIKE SEEING THEM

AT THE END OF THE NIGHT,

YOU KNOW,

LIKE IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

THEY'RE CARRYING THEIR HEELS.

THEY'RE CRYING THEIR MAKEUP OFF.

IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE MELTING.

"WHY DIDN'T ANYONE PICK ME?"

"UM, YOU HAVE PUKE

ON YOUR TUBE, AMBER."

IT'S ALL WORK.

IT'S WORK HAVING A VAGINA,

THAT'S WORK.

GUYS DON'T THINK THAT

IT'S WORK, BUT IT IS.

YOU THINK IT JUST SHOWS UP

LIKE THAT TO THE EVENT?

IT DOESN'T.

EVERY NIGHT,

IT'S LIKE GETTING IT READY

FOR ITS FIRST QUINCEAÑERA,

BELIEVE ME.

GETS AN UPDO, IT CRIES.

IT'S A LOT OF WORK.

IT DIDN'T USED TO BE WORK.

I KNOW THAT FROM WATCHING

VINTAGE PORN.

IT WAS NO WORK.

ZERO.

I EVEN--I REMEMBER MY MOM

BOTTOMLESS WHEN I WAS A KID.

AND IT WAS JUST, POOF!

IT LOOKED LIKE THE BLACK

SMOKE MONSTER FROM LOST

WAS JUST FOLLOWING HER.

[imitates smoke monster]

IT'S LIKE, "IS MOM BEING

SWARMED BY BEES?

WHAT IS...

IS THAT A TUMBLEWEED?

WE'RE NOT EVEN IN THE WEST."

AND THEN SOMETHING HAPPENED,

I DON'T KNOW.

LIKE, 10, 15 YEARS AGO,

ALL THE DUDES GOT TOGETHER

AND HAD, LIKE, A MEETING.

LIKE A FANTASY FOOTBALL DRAFT

ABOUT OUR PRIVATES.

THEY WERE LIKE,

"WE CAN'T GET IN THERE,

IT'S LIKE VIETNAM TRYING TO...

WHAT DO WE DO?"

AND THEN THEY JUST CAME TO US,

AND THEY WERE JUST LIKE,

"LADIES, WOULD YOU MIND

LOOKING LIKE BABIES AGAIN?"

AND WE WERE LIKE,

"UH, LIKE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

JUST CLEAN UP THE SIDES

A LITTLE BIT OR..."

"THE WHOLE ENCHILADA."

AND WE WERE LIKE,

"YEAH, THAT'S NOT SUPER WEIRD."

SO NOW WE GO, WE GET IT DONE.

WE HAVE TO GO GET IT DONE.

UGH, YEAH, LIKE, THAT DOES--

SHE--WE GO AND

GET IT DONE, GUYS.

LIKE, IT DOESN'T JUST HAPPEN.

I DON'T CARE HOW COOL

YOUR GIRL IS.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE, LIKE,

ALOPECIA OF THE CROTCH.

IT JUST FALLS OUT

IN THE SHAPE OF YOUR INITIALS.

THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENS.

IT'S NOT HOW IT GOES DOWN, NO.

WE GET IT DONE.

WE HAVE TO GO SEE A WOMAN,

USUALLY FROM

A THIRD-WORLD COUNTRY.

IT'S NEVER FROM, LIKE--

LIKE, IT'S NEVER ME

THAT COMES AND GETS YOU

FROM THE WAITING ROOM.

LIKE, I'LL NEVER BE LIKE,

"HI, I'M ASHLEY.

I'M HERE TO TAKE CARE

OF YOUR PUSSY."

LIKE, NO.

"PUSSY!"

NO, IT'S NOT--

THAT'S NOT HOW IT GOES.

LIKE, THE CHICK WHO DOES IT

TO ME IN NEW YORK,

I THINK SHE'S FROM, LIKE,

THE KILLING FIELDS OF CAMBODIA.

LIKE, THIS POOR WOMAN--

I CAN TELL, LIKE, SHE HAS SEEN

SOME SHIT, YOU KNOW?

SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH IT,

AND SHE WAS, LIKE,

A DOCTOR THERE.

AND NOW SHE DOES THIS,

AND SHE HATES ME.

AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN HIDE IT.

I WALK IN, SHE'S LIKE, "UGH."

I'M LIKE, "UH, SORRY."

BUT SHE SHOULD, SHE SHOULD

HATE ME BECAUSE I'M LIKE--

WE'RE THE WORST,

WHITE, ENTITLED GIRLS.

I WALK IN CHEWING GUM,

I'M ON MY PHONE.

I'M JUST LIKE...

I'M LIKE, "DON'T GET ANY WAX

ON MY NEW UGGS.

WHAT?"

SHE'S LIKE, "MY PARENTS

WERE MURDERED IN FRONT OF ME."

I'M LIKE, "I'M ON THE PHONE.

WHAT?

IT'S ABOUT TRUE BLOOD.

GIVE ME ONE SEC."

SHE HATES ME, BUT SHE WINS.

LIKE, THOSE CHICKS WIN EVERY

TIME 'CAUSE WHAT THEY DO,

AND I ALWAYS FORGET THIS,

THEY GO--

SHE GOES AND GETS A MIRROR,

AND SHE SHOWS IT TO ME.

SHE SHOWS ME MY OWN VAGINA.

AND I HAVE TO ACT

LIKE I'M NOT HORRIFIED.

AND I'M HORRIFIED.

IT'S THE WORST THING

IN THE WORLD.

AND WHAT SHE'S SAYING

IN THAT MOMENT IS,

"ARE YOU HAPPY NOW,

YOU DUMB BITCH?

YOU JUST PAID ME TO ASSAULT YOU.

AND NOW YOU LOOK LIKE A TODDLER.

IS THAT WHAT--

IS THAT COOL, YEAH?"

THAT'S NOT COOL.

IT'S THE WORST THING

YOU'LL EVER SEE IN YOUR LIFE.

IT'S RED.

IT LOOKS ANGRY.

IT LOOKS LIKE

AN OLD MAN FROWNING.

JUST, "NO!"

VISIT ME!

BIRDS!"

I DON'T KNOW,

OLD PEOPLE LIKE BIRDS, RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW.

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE,

"OH, LOOK, A BIRD."

UGH, IT'S SO MUCH WORK.

I THINK GUYS HAVE IT EASIER.

I'M NOT SURE.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?

YEAH, YOU DO?

DID YOU EVER SEE

AN UNCIRCUMCISED PENIS?

YOU DID?

DID YOU KNOW--

DID YOU KNOW

YOU WERE GONNA SEE IT?

NO, IT'S ALWAYS A FUCKING

SURPRISE PARTY, RIGHT?

IT'S A BIG--

IT'S HIM, RIGHT?

IT'S HIM.

WAIT, HERE'S THE FUNNIEST THING.

I'M SORRY THAT EVERYONE KNOWS

ABOUT YOUR PENIS NOW.

BUT HERE'S THE BEST PART,

HE'S WEARING A SHIRT

THAT SAYS BROWNCOATS.

NOW IF THAT'S NOT FUNNY--

AND THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE,

IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR PENIS IS

WEARING A LITTLE BROWN COAT,

IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE.

YOU JUST--NOBODY EVER

TELLS YOU, RIGHT?

HE DIDN'T TELL YOU.

THEY DON'T TELL YOU SHIT.

THEY'RE JUST LIKE, BOOM,

REUNITED WITH SNUFFLEUPAGUS,

ENJOY.

ENJOY.

YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE.

WHY DON'T THEY TELL US?

TELL--TELL ME.

WE HAVE TO BECOME

AWARD-WINNING ACTRESSES.

LIKE, "OH, NO.

THAT'S TOTALLY COOL.

MOM, CAN YOU COME PICK ME UP?

I DON'T KNOW, IT'S WEARING,

LIKE, A HAT OR, LIKE, A CAPE.

LIKE, A BROWN COAT TYPE THING."

WHY DON'T THEY TELL US?

I WOULD TELL YOU IF I HAD

AN EXTRA FLAP OVER MY CLITORIS.

I'D GIVE YOU A HEADS UP,

I WOULD.

I'D BE LIKE, "YOU'RE GONNA

ENCOUNTER A WIZARD, KEEP GOING.

GO.

TAKE THIS COMPASS."

I'D MAKE IT EXCITING.

PLAY THE MUSIC FROM ZELDA.

IT'D BE GREAT.

MEN DON'T CARE,

THEY DON'T TELL YOU.

I HOOKED UP WITH A GUY ONE TIME

THAT HAD NO TESTICLES.

COUNT THEM,

ZERO TESTICULO.

YOU THINK HE BROUGHT THAT UP

AT DINNER?

'CAUSE HE DIDN'T.

I GOT TO FIND OUT IN REAL TIME.

IT WAS DARK IN THE ROOM.

LET ME PAINT

THE ROMANTIC PICTURE HERE.

AND I WENT RIGHT TO THE SPOT

I KNOW THEM TO ALWAYS BE,

NO GPS NECESSARY.

I PICKED UP THE MAIN EVENT

AND NOTH--I FELT LIKE

A GIRL LEARNING BRAILLE.

I JUST KEPT...

AND, LIKE, WE DON'T--

LIKE, GIRLS DON'T CARE

ABOUT YOUR BALLS.

LIKE, NO ONE CARE--

LIKE, I WOULD NEVER CALL

MY SISTER THE MORNING AFTER

AND BE LIKE, "HEY, OKAY.

SO, LIKE, THE SEX WAS LAME,

BUT THIS GUY'S BALLS...

AHH."

NO.

BUT WHEN THEY'RE NOT THERE,

YOU MISS 'EM.

THEY'RE LIKE GRANDPARENTS.

[cheers and applause]

THANK YOU.

I LIKE THAT THAT'S THE ONE

THAT WAS TOO MUCH FOR YOU GUYS.

YOU'RE LIKE,

"RAPE, AIDS, WHATEVS.

GRANDPARENTS?

WHOA!"

SO, YEAH, THE WAY I SAW

AN UNCIRCUMCISED PENIS--

I HAD MET THIS GUY AT A BAR.

HE WAS FRENCH.

SO I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN,

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW

HE WAS ACTUALLY FRENCH.

I THOUGHT WE WERE

BOTH JUST, LIKE, WASTED

AND FAKING THE ACCENT,

YOU KNOW?

I WAS LIKE, "ROSETTA STONE!"

'CAUSE I DO, I CAN ONLY DRINK

BEER AND WINE NOW

'CAUSE I, LIKE, MY PARENTS ARE--

ANYBODY HAVE ALCOHOLIC PARENTS?

ANYBODY IN HERE?

OH, NO, EVERYBODY

WAS RAISED AWESOMELY?

LIKE, MY DAD USED

TO APOLOGIZE TO ME

FOR MISSING VOLLEYBALL GAMES

THAT HE WAS AT.

SO ANYWAY, I MEET

THIS FRENCH GUY AND--

'CAUSE I DON'T THINK THAT'S

A CUTE ACCENT ON DUDES, RIGHT?

THE FRENCH ACCENT.

IT JUST--IT MAKES MY VAGINA

SHUT LIKE A STEEL TRAP,

JUST PSHH!

I MEAN, THANK GOD

FOR THAT OTHER HOLE BUT...

MY BUTTHOLE.

OH, YOU KNEW.

OKAY, YOU KNEW.

UM, SO I WENT HOME

WITH THIS FRENCH GUY

'CAUSE HE SAID SOMETHING

ADORABLE LIKE,

"I HAVE AN APARTMENT."

I WAS LIKE, "OH."

SO WE GO--I GO HOME WITH HIM,

AND WE'RE, LIKE, MAKING OUT.

HE WAS VERY SENSUAL.

HE'S ONE OF THOSE DUDES,

LIKE, HE STARTED TO PICK ME UP,

AND THEN HE REALIZED

HE WAS IN OVER HIS HEAD,

AND I GOT PLANTED BACK DOWN.

IT'S HARD TO FEEL SEXY

WHEN A DUDE'S WINDED

FROM TRYING TO HOIST YOU.

HIS, LIKE, LEGS ARE SHAKING.

HE'S, LIKE, WIPING SWEAT.

I'M LIKE,

"CAN YOU JUST PUT ME--"

I TRIED TO LAND CUTE

LIKE A GYMNAST.

I WAS LIKE...

[giggles]

NO, BUT I DO--

BUT I KNOW I HAVE A BODY TYPE.

LIKE, I KNOW, LIKE,

I'M NOT A TWIG.

LIKE, IF A CHEERLEADING

PYRAMID'S BEING MADE,

I KNOW I'M A BASE.

LIKE, I GET RIGHT DOWN--

I'M NOT LIKE,

"HOIST ME UP ON TOP

LIKE A STAR TONIGHT, YOU GUYS.

I WANT TO FLY."

LIKE, I KNOW WHERE I AM.

I KNOW MY BODY TYPE THE WAY

GUYS HIT ON ME AT BARS,

LIKE, WHEN IT HAPPENS.

AND IT'S USUALLY MY IDEA.

I'M USUALLY LIKE, "HEY."

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "NO, THANKS."

AND I'M LIKE, "HEY!"

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OH."

BUT WHEN I DO GET HIT ON,

LIKE, THIS GUY JUST CAME UP

TO ME, AND HE WAS FROM,

LIKE, TEXAS OR SOMEWHERE

I'M NOT GOING.

AND, UH...

AND HE COMES OVER,

AND HE'S LIKE,

"HEY, I LIKE YOU.

YOU'RE STURDY."

I'M LIKE, "I'M SORRY?"

HE'S LIKE, "YOU LOOK LIKE

YOU COULD TAKE A PUNCH."

I'M LIKE, "OH."

OH, DON'T I FEEL LIKE

THE BELLE OF THE BALL.

SO I'M MAKING OUT WITH

FRENCHINATOR, AND, UH, HE DID--

HE PUT--HE LIKE, GAVE UP

RIGHT AWAY 'CAUSE HE'S FRENCH,

I GUESS.

AND...

[cheers and applause]

OH, MY GOD, THANK YOU.

SO WE'RE MAKING OUT

AND, UH, HE--

HE PULLED HIS DICK OUT

IMMEDIATELY.

HE MUST HAVE BEEN THINKING LIKE,

"SHE'S THE ONE."

AND I'M LOOKING AT IT,

I'M JUST LIKE,

"WHAT--

WHAT IS THAT?

ARE WE HAVING, LIKE,

A PILLOW FIGHT?

WHAT'S--

WHY IS THE GNOME FROM

TRAVELOCITY IN YOUR UNDERPANTS?"

BUT, LIKE, YOU CAN'T--

GUYS ARE SENSITIVE TOO.

I COULDN'T DO WHAT I WAS,

LIKE, THINKING, LIKE--

"AAH!"

LIKE, RUN DOWN THE FIVE STORIES

OF HIS WALK-UP.

I HAD TO BE, LIKE,

A TEAM PLAYER AND BE LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO."

JUST, LIKE, FIGHTING

THROUGH THE SKIN TRYING TO FIND

HIS ACTUAL PE--

I FELT LIKE A MAGICIAN

WITH THE SCARVES, I'M JUST...

WAITING FOR A DOVE

TO HIT ME IN THE FACE.

IT SUCKS GETTING OLDER

AS A CHICK.

IN YOUR 20s, YOU'RE JUST LIKE,

"LIFE IS AWESOME.

EVERYBODY WANTS TO FUCK ME,

YOU GUYS!"

THEN YOU TURN 30,

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "YOU GUYS?"

IT'S LIKE A BUS

THAT NEVER COMES.

BUT AS I'M GETTING OLDER,

WHAT I'M DOING NOW

IS I'M JUST MAKING SURE

I'M THE BEST-LOOKING ONE

OF MY FRIENDS.

IT'S REALLY EASY.

I CUT CERTAIN PEOPLE

OUT OF MY LIFE.

AND I NOW HAND-SELECT STRANGERS

OFF OF FACEBOOK

AND SURROUND MYSELF WITH

REAL TROLLS AND REPTILES.

YOU SHOULD SEE THESE MONSTERS.

I HAD A FRIEND, NIKKI,

SHE KEPT LOSING WEIGHT.

I TOOK HER OUT OF MY PHONE.

FUCK HER, I'M SORRY.

BUT THERE'S ONE CHICK

I'VE BEEN FRIENDS WITH FOREVER.

HER NAME IS SABINA.

LIKE, SHE'S GORGEOUS,

AND OF COURSE SHE IS

WITH THE NAME SABINA.

LIKE, WHAT A WHITE,

ANNOYING NAME, RIGHT?

YOU HAVE TO BE SO HOT

TO PULL OFF NAMES LIKE THAT,

LIKE SABINA, PRISCILLA.

YOU CAN'T HAVE, LIKE,

A BUM KNEE AND A LAZY EYE

AND BE LIKE, "I'M SABINA."

IT'S LIKE, "NICE TRY.

WE'RE GONNA CALL YOU BERTHA,

BITCH, BUT THAT WAS CUTE.

THAT WAS CUTE."

GUYS GO CRAZY OVER HER.

I NEVER GET HIT ON LIKE THAT.

THE ONLY TIME I GET HIT ON

IS LAST CALL AT THE BAR, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHEN I SHINE,

I'M TELLING YOU.

WHAT A WEIRD TIME

OF NIGHT, RIGHT?

THE LIGHTS GO ON.

IT JUST FEELS REAL RAPE-Y

ALL OF A SUDDEN.

POST-APOCALYPTIC.

SOMETHING HAPPENS TO THE MEN.

THEY'RE JUST LIKE,

"I NEED A WOMAN."

LIKE THEY ALL JUST START

PACING LIKE GORILLAS.

THEIR EYES WIDEN.

IT LOOKS LIKE THEY CAN ONLY SEE

BY HEAT.

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT?"

LIKE PREDATOR.

I SEE SOME DUDE IN A FULL

BLACKOUT JUST WALKING AT ME,

LIKE A ZOMBIE JUST POINTING

AT HIS OWN DICK.

LIKE, "HERE."

I'M LIKE, "I'LL GET US A CAB."

I KNOW I MAKE IT SOUND

LIKE I'M SO SLUTTY UP HERE,

BUT I'M--I'VE ONLY BEEN

WITH FOUR PEOPLE,

AND THAT WAS A WEIRD NIGHT.

THAT'S MY BUSINESS.

OH, IT DOESN'T MATTER

WHAT YOU DO, LADIES.

EVERY GUY IS GONNA LEAVE YOU

FOR AN ASIAN WOMAN,

AND YOU KNOW THAT.

THAT'S RIGHT,

I'M SAYING IT IN SAN FRANCISCO,

IN THE HOT BED.

IN THE HOT BED.

I GET IT, I CAN'T COMPETE

WITH AN ASIAN CHICK.

I CAN'T.

THEY'RE BETTER.

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS.

I DID THE MATH.

I KNOW THAT'S THEIR THING,

BUT I DID IT.

[applause]

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT.

I CAN'T WIN.

HOW CAN I COMPETE

WITH AN ASIAN CHICK?

THEY'RE SMARTER.

THEY HAVE NATURALLY SILKY HAIR.

THIS JEW DENIAL TOOK ME,

LIKE, 40 MINUTES.

THEY LAUGH LIKE THIS

'CAUSE THEY KNOW MEN HATE

WHEN WOMEN SPEAK.

THEY'RE BETTER.

THEY'RE JUST BETTER.

AND HOW DO THEY BRING IT ON HOME

FOR THE WIN?

OH, THE SMALLEST VAGINAS

IN THE GAME.

I CAN'T COMPETE WITH THAT.

WHAT DO I HAVE?

WHAT AM I--I'VE GOT A B.A.

IN THEATER AND HPV.

NO ONE'S BUYING MY STOCK.

I AM PLUMMETING.

I'M GOING TO BLACK GUYS.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO.

THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING, YEAH.

I'VE--I CAN'T BELIEVE

I'VE NEVER DONE IT.

I'M BUILT FOR IT.

IT SEEMS WEIRD I HAVEN'T.

GOT TO GO FOR THE BLACK GUY.

HAVE YOU EVER--BLACK GUY?

YEAH.

SHE'S LIKE, "AH, YEAH."

SHE'S LIKE,

"YES, LOOK AT MY SHIRT,

YOU KNOW I FUCK BLACK GUYS."

HOW CUTE ARE YOU?

YOU'RE SO CUTE.

YOU'RE HOT.

I'M NOT GAY.

I'VE CAUGHT A FINGER,

BUT YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYING.

BLACK GUYS ARE THE FUTURE.

SOME CHICKS ARE SCARED.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,

"ONCE YOU GO BLACK,

YOUR PARENTS DON'T TALK

TO YOU ANYMORE."

SOMETHING LIKE THAT,

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW, SOMETHING, LIKE,

TO THAT EFFECT.

BUT BLACK GUYS--

NO, I WANT TO DO IT.

I ALMOST DID IT LAST WEEKEND.

UH, I WAS--

LIKE, AFTER THE SHOW,

I WAS STANDING OUT AND, UH,

AND I WAS TRYING TO SELL MY CDs,

AND PEOPLE WERE LIKE,

"NO, THANKS."

UH, AND NOT EVEN OF MY STAND-UP.

JUST, LIKE, SOME SHIT I NEEDED

TO GET RID OF, YOU KNOW,

LIKE, THE FORREST GUMP

SOUNDTRACK, JUST SOME

MISSY "MISDEMEANOR" ELLIOTT.

I'M LIKE, "I DON'T NEED THIS."

UH, BUT NO, THIS DUDE

COMES UP TO ME, THIS BLACK GUY,

AND HE WAS INTO IT

'CAUSE, COME ON.

AND, UH, HE WALKS OVER,

AND HE'S LIKE, "I'M DEREK."

AND I WAS LIKE, "DEREK?"

HE'S LIKE, "DEREK."

AND HE HAD ON, LIKE,

A NICE SHIRT,

AND HE HAD, LIKE, A JOB.

AND I WAS LIKE,

"NO, I WANT A BROTHER."

IF I'M GONNA DO IT, I WANT TO

REALLY DO IT, YOU KNOW.

NOT DEREK.

I WANT HIM TO, LIKE,

NOT EVEN HAVE A NAME,

JUST LIKE NICKNAMES.

EVERYONE'S LIKE, "POOKIE!"

HE'S LIKE, "WHAT'S UP?"

NO JOB.

WE NEED LIKE A TON OF LUBE,

BUT JUST, LIKE, FOR HIS ELBOWS,

YOU KNOW WHAT

I'M TALKING ABOUT?

OH, THAT WAS INSANELY RACIST?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I LOVE JOKING ABOUT RACE.

IT'S, LIKE, MY FAVORITE.

I WAS TALKING ABOUT THIS

THE OTHER DAY.

I WAS HANGING OUT WITH LITERALLY

ALL MY BLACK FRIEND, AND...

AND, UH, AND I REMEMBER

I WAS LIKE, "TAMAMBE,"

OR WHATEVER.

TAPESTRY--IT'S SOMETHING WILD,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S SOMETHING CRAZY.

I MEAN, THAT'S WHY THEY NEED

GOOGLE IN THE DELIVERY ROOM,

I THINK, RIGHT?

IT'S EVERYWHERE ELSE.

WHY NOT THERE, RIGHT?

SO WHEN HER MOM WAS LIKE,

I'M GONNA NAME YOU "TAMAMBO."

GOOGLE WOULD SHOW UP AND SAY,

"DID YOU MEAN JENNIFER?"

AND HER MOM WOULD BE LIKE,

"YES, GOOGLE, I DID MEAN

JENNIFER, THANK YOU."

NO, TAMAMBE.

SO I'M HANGING OUT

WITH TAPIOCA AND, UH,

TEMPURA OR SOMETHING,

AND WHAT WAS SHE SAYING?

SHE--SHE WAS LIKE, "GIRL."

LIKE, I WON'T DO SOME RACIST

IMPRESSION, SO DON'T WORRY.

BUT SHE WAS LIKE, "GIRL!"

I MEAN, LIKE, WE WERE, LIKE,

MID-DOUBLE DUTCH AND UH--

AND I'M JUST LIKE,

"STOP YELLING.

WE'RE NOT AT THE MOVIES."

[applause]

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

I'M GLAD YOU GUYS

LAUGHED AT THAT.

THAT DOES NOT ALWAYS WORK,

I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I MEAN, NOTHING WORKS

100% OF THE TIME, RIGHT?

EXCEPT MEXICANS.

I'VE NOTICED--

THAT'S THE ONE?

BOO!

RIGHT?

BOO, MEXICANS.

I HEAR YA.

YOU GUYS ARE PREACHING

TO THE CHOIR.

SO ASS PLAY, YOU GUYS,

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?

FOR OR AGAINST?

EVERY NIGHT?

OKAY.

I'VE DEALT WITH TWO KINDS

OF GUYS WHEN IT COMES

TO MY PERSONAL ASSHOLE.

UM, THERE'S THE KIND OF GUY THAT

NEVER ACKNOWLEDGES IT, RIGHT?

LIKE, THE WHOLE TIME

YOU'RE TOGETHER JUST NEVER--

WHICH IS AWESOME BECAUSE WHO

NEEDS THE EXTRA MAINTENANCE?

CAN I GET WHAT-WHAT, LADIES?

>> women: WHAT-WHAT!

>> THANKS, SISTER FRIENDS.

THAT GUY'S AWESOME, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING

WITH THAT GUY.

AND THEN THERE'S THE OTHER KIND

OF GUY WHO GOES FOR IT

IMMEDIATELY.

LIKE, YOU'RE NOT EVEN

FULLY KISSING YET,

AND HE'S TRYING TO GRAB YOU

LIKE A BOWLING BALL.

YOU'RE LIKE, "NO!"

HE'S LIKE, "YOU SAID

YOU LIKE JEFF DUNHAM."

YOU'RE LIKE, "NO!"

YOU CAN'T TRUST THOSE GUYS,

ALL RIGHT.

SO I WAS DATING

THE FIRST KIND OF GUY,

NO ASS PLAY.

LIKE, THE SEX WAS VERY VANILLA.

THERE WAS NO FUNNY BUSINESS,

NO DIRTY TALK.

IF I SENT HIM

A NAUGHTY PHOTO,

HE WOULD JUST WRITE BACK,

"THANKS," LIKE I SENT HIM

A FAX HE NEEDED.

LIKE I HAD FORWARDED HIM

AN E-VITE.

SO WE WERE TOGETHER

FOR, LIKE, YEARS,

AND ONE NIGHT, OUT OF NOWHERE,

WE'RE AT DINNER, AND HE'S LIKE,

"I'D LIKE TO TALK

ABOUT SOMETHING.

I'D LIKE TO TALK

ABOUT ASS PLAY."

AND I'M LIKE,

"IS THAT A BROADWAY SHOW?

THAT SHOW SOUNDS AWESOME.

LET'S GO SEE THAT SHOW."

AND HE'S LIKE, "NO, ASS PLAY."

AND AS I'M ASKING HIM QUESTIONS,

I REALIZE HE HASN'T

THOUGHT IT THROUGH AT ALL.

'CAUSE I WAS JUST LIKE,

"DO YOU MEAN ON YOU OR ME?"

AND HE WAS LIKE, "OH."

I WAS LIKE, "OH, JESUS, NO.

THIS IS NOT

A BRAINSTORM SESH HERE.

YOUR POWERPOINT, BUDDY."

SO THAT NIGHT, I WAS LIKE,

I'M GONNA CALL HIM ON HIS BLUFF.

I DON'T USUALLY JOKE AROUND

IN THE BEDROOM,

BUT I WAS LIKE, "FUCK THIS GUY."

SO...

I'M LIKE, "THIS J.V. PLAYER

IS GONNA GET IT FROM ME."

SO...

SO WE'RE, LIKE, MAKING OUT,

AND I'M JUST LIKE,

"PSST, WHERE IS

ALL THE ASS PLAY?"

AND LIKE A FRIGHTENED CHILD,

HE GOES, "TONIGHT?"

AND I'M LIKE, "UH-HUH."

AND HE CAN'T THINK--HE GOES,

"WELL, DID YOU SHOWER?"

I SAID "I'M NOT GONNA

ANSWER THAT, 'CAUSE I'M NOT

A HOMELESS WOMAN."

UH, JUST SOME SCHIZOPHRENIC

WITH A CART LIKE, "WASH ME!"

SO HE CAN'T THINK

OF ANY OTHER WAY TO STALL,

SO THIS IS WHAT HE DOES, OKAY?

THIS IS MY ASSHOLE.

THIS IS HIS FINGER.

HE GOES LIKE THIS.

AND HE HOLDS IT THERE.

LIKE HE WAS CHECKING IT

FOR A PULSE.

LIKE HE THOUGHT A GROUNDHOG

MIGHT POP OUT, AND HE'D HAVE

TO WHAC-A-MOLE IT.

AND THEN I FIST HIM

LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.

[cheers and applause]

HE'S DEAD.

OH, GOD, YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME.

I--SERIOUSLY,

SOMETIMES THAT GOES SO AWKWARD,

AND DURING A SET,

I JUST WANT TO, LIKE, TAP OUT.

I'VE HAD THIS IMAGE.

NOT LIKE A WRESTLING TAP OUT,

BUT JUST SORT OF SOFT-SHOE

OUT OF THE ROOM

IN AN AWKWARD SITUATION.

LIKE, WHY CAN'T WE DO THAT?

I WAS WORKING AT THIS CLUB,

AND, UH, I WALKED IN

THE FIRST NIGHT.

AND I REALIZED AT THIS CLUB,

THERE WAS A BATHROOM ATTENDANT.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN LIKE,

"OH, DOPE, A BATHROOM ATTENDANT

WORKS HERE."

NO, YOU'RE LIKE,

"AH, IT'S AWKWARD."

THEY HATE YOU.

YOU HATE--YOU'RE JUST LIKE,

"OH, PLEASE."

LIKE, YOU KNOW IT'S UNNECESSARY.

ARE YOU EVER PEEING LIKE,

"HOW AM I GONNA LEAVE HERE

WITHOUT A STARBURST?

I DON'T LIKE GOING

WITHOUT SOMEBODY LISTENING."

NO.

I GO IN THE BATHROOM

THE FIRST NIGHT,

AND THE BATHROOM ATTENDANT

STOPS ME AT THE DOOR.

AND SHE'S LIKE,

"UH, THEY'RE ALL FULL RIGHT NOW,

SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

WAIT A MINUTE."

AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH, YEAH,

I KNOW HOW BATHROOMS WORK."

UH, LIKE, IF SHE HADN'T SAID

THAT, I WAS JUST GONNA GO ROGUE

AND START POUNDING

ON ALL THE STALLS,

UP AND DOWN WITH A SHIV.

"NO!"

PEEING IN THE SINK.

"I DO WHAT I WANT,

BATHROOM ATTENDANT!"

I COME OUT,

SHE HANDS ME A PAPER TOWEL.

"THANK YOU.

IF YOU HADN'T SAVED ME,

I WOULD HAVE JUST BLED

AND DRIPPED LIKE STIGMATA.

THANK YOU."

SO UNNECESSARY.

SO THE LAST NIGHT

I'M AT THIS CLUB,

I GO IN THE BATHROOM.

SHE'S, LIKE, FACING THE WALL.

SO I'M LIKE, "OH, GOOD."

I GO RIGHT IN THE STALL.

AND I'M NOT GONNA

SAY ANYTHING GROSS.

BUT I'M IN THERE

JUST DROPPING A TON OF HEAT,

JUST...

MASSACRING THIS BOWL,

JUST--

I'M TEXTING PEOPLE LIKE,

"AM I DYING?"

IT'S LIKE,

"YOUR SISTER'S A NURSE."

THINGS LIKE THAT.

TO A LOT OF MY FAMILY,

I JUST WROTE, "GOOD-BYE."

LIKE, WHATEVER YOU'RE PICTURING,

LIKE, TRIPLE IT.

UH...

I'M SORRY,

NONE OF THAT HAPPENED.

YOU GUYS, NONE OF THAT HAPPENED.

YOU TWO, YOU TWO,

NONE OF THAT HAPPENED.

HEY, DID YOU KNOW

THERE'S A SHOW?

[applause]

COME ON, YOU'RE PRETTY.

JUST STOP TALKING.

NO, I APPRECIATE YOU

SUPPORTING LIVE COMEDY.

UH, NO, NONE OF THAT HAPPENED.

I DIDN'T REALLY--

YOU GUYS, OH, MY GOD,

YOU GUYS, THEN JUST--WHAT'S GO--

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

OH, YOU LOVE ME?

IT'S--

>> IT'S THEIR ANNIVERSARY.

>> OH, MY GOD, DO YOU REMEMBER

THAT I DON'T CARE?

NO, I'M JUST KIDDING.

NO, THAT'S EXCITING.

HOW MANY YEARS?

I'M JUST KIDDING.

I DON'T CARE, I DON'T CARE.

NO, I DON'T CARE.

NO, DO YOU GUYS CARE?

NO?

OKAY, SORRY.

SORRY, NOBODY CARES.

NOBODY CARES.

NO, BUT SERIOUSLY, THANK YOU

GUYS SO MUCH FOR COMING.

NOBODY CARES.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> ERIN.

>> THAT WAS A TEST.

NOBODY CARES, ERIN.

YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE.

I'M SORRY.

THANK YOU FOR SPENDING

YOUR ANNIVERSARY WITH ME.

MOM, THANK YOU.

I'M SORRY YOU HAVE TO SIT

NEXT TO YOUR DAUGHTER

WHEN I'M TALKING ABOUT SEMEN

THE WHOLE TIME.

WHERE DO YOU STAND

ON ASS PLAY, MOM?

YOU'RE GOOD?

OKAY, YOU DON'T WANT

HER TO KNOW,

BUT YOU CAN'T GET ENOUGH, OKAY.

YOU GUYS WON'T FORGET

THIS ANNIVERSARY.

WHAT AM I--

WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?

LIKE, WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT

BEFORE I JUST TALKED

TO YOU GUYS?

DOES ANYBODY REMEMBER?

SHITTING.

[applause]

I LOVE YOU GUYS.

I FUCKING LOVE THIS CROWD.

[cheers and applause]

THE SWEETEST VOICE TOO.

"SHITTING."

OH, GOD, I WISH THAT HAPPENED.

LIKE, I WISH I WAS ABLE TO--

TO DO THAT.

BUT I DID, I JUST--

SHE WAS FACING THE WALL,

AND I'M LIKE, UH--

I HEAR THAT SHE'S CRYING,

SO I'M LIKE,

"EXCUSE ME, UM, I'M ABOUT

TO WASH MY HANDS SO YOU--

YOU BETTER GET FUCKING READY.

UH..."

NO, SHE'S CRYING.

NO, I WAS LIKE,

"WELL, WHAT'S WRONG?

LIKE, IS IT YOUR CHOICES?

LIKE WHAT'S, UM..."

NO, I ASKED HER WHAT WAS WRONG,

AND SHE WAS LIKE, SHE TOLD ME,

SHE WAS LIKE, "MY DOG DIED."

SO I WAS LIKE, "I'M SO SORRY.

I'VE BEEN THERE.

"I'M GONNA GO GET US SOME SHOTS.

WE'RE GONNA GET WEIRD

IN HERE TONIGHT, OKAY?

YOU AND ME."

AND SHE GOES,

"IT JUST REALLY DOESN'T FEEL

LIKE SIX YEARS AGO."

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

I JUST LOOKED RIGHT AT HER

AND JUST...

WHAT DO YOU DO?

I FOUND THE OWNER,

I WAS LIKE, "SHE'S DOING

A TON OF BLOW IN THERE.

YOU SHOULD GET RID OF HER."

I, UH, I'VE BEEN REALLY

ENJOYING BEING ON THE ROAD

EVER SINCE THE ROAST BECAUSE

I'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD, LIKE,

FOR YEARS BUT, UH, BUT

PEOPLE HAD NO IDEA WHO I WAS,

SO THEY WOULD SEE A PICTURE

OF ME, AND THEY'D BE LIKE,

"OH, SHE LOOKS SWEET.

SHE KIND OF LOOKS, LIKE, AMISH,

YOU KNOW.

LIKE, UH, KIND OF CABBAGE PATCHY

UP TOP, RIGHT?

WE SHOULD BRING THE FAMILY.

I BET SHE TALKS ABOUT,

LIKE, SHOPPING."

AND THEN THEY GET HERE,

AND I'M LIKE, "MY PUSSY..."

BUT IT'S WAY BETTER NOW

'CAUSE, LIKE,

A LOT PEOPLE SAW THAT ROAST,

AND THEY JUST ARE LIKE,

"OH, SHE'S, LIKE, A BAD PERSON,"

SO THAT MEANS YOU GUYS

ARE DIRTBAGS TOO,

AND I APPRECIATE YOU COMING OUT.

[cheers and applause]

YOU ARE BAD PEOPLE.

[cheers and applause]

THANK YOU, BAD PEOPLE.

BUT I'VE BEEN REALLY LUCKY.

LIKE, MY WHOLE LIFE,

I FOUND FRIENDS JUST LIKE ME.

LIKE, AT A YOUNG AGE, I FOUND

GIRLS THAT WERE JUST LIKE ME.

LIKE, WE WERE ALL WHORES.

YOU KNOW?

JUST LITTLE DRUNKS

RUNNING AROUND.

BUT IN EVERY GROUP

OF GIRLFRIENDS,

THERE'S ALWAYS, LIKE, ONE

THAT'S THE SLUTTIEST, YOU KNOW?

IF YOU DON'T HAVE THAT FRIEND,

YOU'RE THAT FRIEND.

LET'S BE REAL.

AND IT WASN'T ME

IN MY GROUP OF FRIENDS.

SHOCKER WAS MY NICKNAME.

BUT, NO, IN MY GROUP OF FRIE--

IN MY--THE SLUTTIEST OF US

WAS THIS GIRL KATIE.

AND, UH, WE DIDN'T

JUDGE HER FOR THAT.

BUT SHE--SHE WOULDN'T OWN IT.

LIKE AS SOON AS SHE

WOULD HAVE A BOYFRIEND,

SHE'D START ACTING

LIKE MOTHER TERESA, YOU KNOW?

SHE'D, LIKE, WALK DIFFERENT.

SHE TALKED DIFFERENTLY.

LIKE, I REMEMBER ONE TIME

SHE WALKED OVER WITH

HER NEW BOYFRIEND.

SHE WAS LIKE,

"ADAM AND I ARE THRILLED

YOU COULD JOIN US FOR BRUNCH."

I WAS LIKE, "I'VE HELPED YOU

GET CUM OUT OF YOUR HAIR.

REMEMBER, WE TRIED USING PEANUT

BUTTER 'CAUSE WE'RE STUPID,

REMEMBER?"

WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT THAT

AT BRUNCH WITH ADAM.

SO SHE MOVED TO CONNECTICUT

AND, LIKE, WAS GETTING MARRIED,

AND SHE HAD

A WEDDING SHOWER THERE.

AND I WAS THE ONLY FRIEND

FROM HOME THAT COULD GO.

SO I MET ALL OF HER NEW,

FANCY CONNECTICUT FRIENDS.

AND, LIKE, YOU KNOW

WOMEN LIKE THIS.

LIKE THESE GIRLS,

THEY WERE ALL, LIKE,

VERY STEPFORD WIFE, YOU KNOW.

THEY ALL, LIKE, WORE, LIKE,

PASTEL CASHMERE CARDIGANS

AND PEARLS AND BURBERRY,

LIKE, TAMPONS.

AND THEY ALL SPOKE LIKE THIS,

LIKE ALMOST IN A WHISPER.

LIKE THEY ALL WERE--

EVERYBODY JUST WALKED AROUND

WHISPERING TO EACH OTHER.

LIKE, "OH, I GUESS

WE WERE JUST BORN

WITH DIFFERENT VOCAL CORDS,

'CAUSE I WAS RAISED BETTER.

DO YOU SKI?"

SO I'M AT THIS PARTY,

AND I'M, LIKE,

MAINLINING CHARDONNAY,

TRYING TO REMEMBER FUN.

JUST LIKE, "WHY?"

SO ONE OF THE GIRLS WAS LIKE,

"LET'S PLAY A GAME."

AND I'M LIKE, "SUICIDE PACT?

I'LL GO FIRST.

THIS PARTY'S THE WORST."

AND SHE GOES,

"NO, LET'S ALL GO AROUND

AND ADMIT SOMETHING."

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, NO."

SO THESE GIRLS ARE GOING AROUND.

THEY ARE--THE SHIT

THEY'RE ADMITTING IS SO BORING.

I CAN'T--

LIKE ONE GIRL WAS LIKE,

"ONCE, I FORGOT TO LET

THE DOG OUT ALL DAY!"

AND THEY WERE ALL LIKE, "NO!"

I'M LIKE, "IS THIS HAPPENING

RIGHT NOW?"

SO THE GIRL THAT GOES RIGHT

BEFORE ME, BRIDGET,

THE WORST HUMAN I'VE EVER MET.

I HOPE SHE SEES THIS.

THAT'S HOW BAD

OF A PERSON SHE IS.

[cheers and applause]

LIKE, BRIDGET,

I HOPE YOU'RE WATCHING THIS.

[in soft voice]

BUT SHE WOULDN'T.

SHE WOULDN'T BE UP THIS LATE.

[in normal voice]

SHE SPOKE THE SOFTEST.

YOU HAD TO, LIKE, LEAN IN

AND SQUINT AND READ HER LIPS

'CAUSE SHE JUST--

[in soft voice]

BRIDGET TALKED LIKE AN ANGEL

WAS SLEEPING ON HER TONGUE.

* NO ONE WAKE THE ANGEL

* ON MY TONGUE

[in normal voice]

THAT'S NOT A REAL SONG,

COMEDY CENTRAL.

SO ANYWAY, SHE'S LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS,

IT'S MY TURN.

BRING IT IN."

AND WE'RE LIKE, "WE'RE IN

'CAUSE WE HAVE TO BE

'CAUSE YOU TALK LIKE FIEVEL."

USE YOUR DIAPHRAGM, BRIDGE.

SO SHE'S LIKE, "I'LL ADMIT THIS.

"SOMETIMES AFTER RICHARD

FALLS ASLEEP,

I GET UP AND EAT ICE CREAM."

I JUST WANTED TO FIND ONE

OTHER PAIR OF EYES BEING LIKE,

"WHAT A DUMB CUNT, RIGHT?"

BUT NOTHING, NO ONE.

THEY'RE ALL LOOKING AT HER LIKE,

"BRIDGET, YOU SHOULD BE ASLEEP."

"BRIDGET, IT'S NIGHT.

CARBS? COME ON."

SO THEN IT'S MY TURN,

AND, UH, I DON'T LOOK

AT MY FRIEND KATIE.

I JUST FEEL HER JUST GLARING

AT ME JUST LIKE,

"DON'T BE YOURSELF

RIGHT NOW, BITCH.

THIS IS MY NEW LIFE."

AND SO I'M LIKE, "OKAY, UM,

FIRST OF ALL, BRIDGET,

THANK YOU FOR BEING SO BRAVE.

UH, I'LL ADMIT THIS.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE

YOUR ICE CREAM THING.

UM, ONE TIME I LET

A CAB DRIVER FINGER ME."

[cheers and applause]

AND KATIE'S LIKE,

"THAT'S NOT HOW YOU PLAY, AMY."

I'M LIKE, "REALLY?

'CAUSE I FEEL I WON."

I FEEL--YOU GUYS,

YOU WERE AN AMAZING CROWD.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[cheers and applause]

[mouths words]

[cheers and applause]

[sighs]

I FEEL LIKE THIS IS WHAT

I WOULD FEEL LIKE, LIKE,

IF I'D EVER KEPT A BABY.

YOU KNOW, LIKE,

THIS KIND OF A JOY.

[cheers and applause]

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH.

THANK YOU.

FUCK,

THANK YOU.

[cheers and applause]

OH!

I WANT TO JERK YOU ALL OFF,

EVEN THE GIRLS.

EVEN THE GIRLS.

GUYS, THANK YOU.

I REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

UM, I KNOW YOU GUYS

WERE THINKING LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING

BACK OUT HERE?"

AND SOME OF YOU WERE JUST

THINKING LIKE,

"YOU'RE SO PRETTY."

THANK ALL OF YOU.

BUT I WANTED TO COME OUT

AND JUST SORT OF, LIKE,

GIVE YOU AN OPPORTUNITY IF

ANYBODY WANTS TO ASK A QUESTION,

LIKE, NOW IT'S THE TIME.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE

ABOUT MY SET.

YEAH?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

AND WHAT--YOU'RE--

ACTOR ARE YOU?

>> I'M CUBED.

>> WHAT?

>> MY NAME'S CUBED.

>> CUBED?

>> YEAH.

>> DOES ANYBODY DIFFERENT

HAVE A QUESTION

WITH A NAME THAT MAKES SENSE?

NO, I'M JUST KIDDING.

WHAT, UH, WHAT HAPPENED?

WHERE--WHERE ARE

YOUR PARENTS FROM?

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER?

>> WHAT AM I DOING LATER?

OHH, CUBED.

DO YOU HAVE HPV?

DO YOU WANT IT?

I HAVEN'T DRANK IN TWO MONTHS

GETTING READY FOR THIS.

SO I'M GONNA, LIKE, BLACK OUT.

IF ANYBODY WANTS TO GET DOWN

WITH ME, LIKE, SEXUALLY,

TONIGHT IS NOT THE NIGHT.

BUT, YES, I'M GONNA TIE ONE ON.

ANYBODY--YES, YOU SIR.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> RICK.

>> HI, RICK.

>> I WANT TO GIVE YOU

A STANDING "O."

I THINK WE ALL SHOULD GIVE YOU

A STANDING OVATION.

[cheers and applause]

THIS GUY'S SAD

'CAUSE HE'S WASTED.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO--

THANK YOU.

THIS IS GOOD FOR THE CAMERA.

[cheers and applause]

WOW.

THANK YOU.

OKAY, OKAY.

THANK YOU.

THAT WAS--THAT WAS NICE.

A LOT OF PEOPLE WEREN'T INTO IT.

LIKE, A LOT OF PEOPLE GOT UP

AND WERE JUST KIND OF LIKE,

[mouths words]

"OUR RESERVATIONS WERE,

LIKE, TEN MINUTES AGO.

WHEN'S THIS BITCH

GONNA WRAP IT UP?"

YES, YOU, GORGEOUS.

HI.

>> CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK,

POSSIBLY HAVE A COCKTAIL

WITH YOU AT SOME POINT?

>> OOH, THIS IS AWESOME.

YOU CAN DEFINITELY

BUY ME A DRINK.

UM, I DON'T--I'M NOT GAY.

I MEAN, I'VE CAUGHT A FINGER.

I'M NOT BORING.

TRUST ME.

BUT, YEAH, I COULD TOTALLY SEE

THAT HAPPENING.

I DON'T THINK THAT WOULD BE

WEIRD AT ALL.

YOUR BOYFRIEND DOESN'T SEEM

TOO PSYCHED, BUT HE'S ALL

FIRED UP ABOUT PRIDE.

OH, YES, YOU.

HI.

>> SO UM, WHO IS

YOUR COMEDY MENTOR?

>> MY COMEDY MENTOR.

UM, THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

UH, I HANG OUT WITH

MOSTLY 45-YEAR-OLD DUDES.

THANK YOU.

THEY'RE ALL COMEDIANS.

THEY'RE ALCOHOLICS.

LIKE, THEY DON'T DRINK ANYMORE

'CAUSE THEY CAN'T, YOU KNOW.

AND IT MAKES SENSE BECAUSE,

LIKE, THEY LOOK AT ME,

AND THEY'RE JUST LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD."

LIKE, THEY THINK I'M SO HOT JUST

'CAUSE I'M NOT THEIR WIVES.

UM, I WALK IN, THEY'RE LIKE...

* WHO'S THAT GIRL? *

I'M LIKE, "WHAT?"

BUT OUT, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

IN THE STREETS,

PEOPLE ARE JUST THROWING

LIT CIGARETTES AT ME.

THEY'RE LIKE, "UGH, PASS."

SO, LIKE, DAVE ATTELL

AND JIM NORTON.

[cheers and applause]

RIGHT?

[man shouts indistinctly]

AND SO--YEAH, YOU GOT TO

LOVE THOSE GUYS.

YEAH--YES.

>> OF WOMEN...

>> WOMEN.

>> COMICS, WHO IS YOUR MENTOR?

>> OKAY, WELL,

JESSICA KIRSON WAS MY MENTOR.

LIKE, SHE'S IN NEW YORK,

AND SHE'S AMAZING.

AND THEN, UH, SORT OF

WHERE SHE LEFT OFF,

I JUST LIKE--MY MENTOR, LIKE,

THOSE GUYS TOOK ME ON THE ROAD

TO OPEN FOR THEM A LOT,

SO THAT'S WHY.

BUT I GREW UP LOVING GILDA

AND GOLDIE HAWN,

AND I LOVED MARGARET CHO

AND SARAH, UH, PALIN.

I'M JUST KIDDING.

YOU, SIR.

>> WHAT'S YOUR FEELING

ON ANAL BLEACHING?

>> ANAL BLEACHING.

I'M GLAD SOMEBODY

BROUGHT THIS UP.

THAT'S A GREAT QUESTION.

OKAY, SO HERE'S

HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.

WHEN I HEARD ABOUT IT,

I WAS JUST LIKE,

"EW, EVERYBODY, CHILL OUT."

BUT THEN I LOOKED AT MY OWN

ASSHOLE, AND I WAS LIKE, "WHOA!

THAT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING

OUT OF THE UNIVERSE.

MAYBE WE SHOULD HOOK THAT UP."

BUT I STILL

HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING.

BUT I KEEP A LOW PRO BUTT-WISE.

YOU--I'M DOING GOD'S WORK.

I MEAN, AM I HEALING PEOPLE?

YES?

>> [speaks indistinctly]

>> MY FAVORITE CITY?

NEW YORK CITY, UH...

YEAH, UM...

UH, SORRY,

ONE GIRL'S LIKE, "BOO."

I LIKE MADISON, WISCONSIN.

[cheering]

NICE.

AND I THINK CLEVELAND'S

THE WORST.

YES, YOU SIR?

>> WHY IS YOUR SISTER HERE?

>> WHY IS MY SISTER HERE?

YOU KNOW WHAT,

I HAVE NO IDEA.

I DIDN'T FLY HER IN.

SHE SHOWED UP.

SHE SHOWS UP WHEREVER I AM.

UM, MY SISTER

IS HERE BECAUSE, UH,

SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND

IN THE WHOLE WORLD,

AND I LOVE HER AND TRUST HER

MORE THAN ANYONE.

AND I DEDICATE THIS SHOW TO HER.

[cheers and applause]

THANK MY MOM,

WHO'S NOT A CUNT AT ALL.

MY MOM--PLEASE CLAP FOR MY MOM.

SHE'S NOT A CUNT.

[cheers and applause]

BUT HER BUSH WAS HUGE

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

THAT WAS TRUE.

OKAY, YEAH?

>> DO YOU HAVE TO PEE

AS BAD AS I DO?

>> OH, OKAY, SHE HAS TO PEE,

AND SHE'S REALLY PRETTY.

SO EVERYONE'S, LIKE,

GIVEN HER WHATEVER SHE WANTS

HER WHOLE LIFE.

[cheers and applause]

I DON'T HAVE TO PEE AT ALL.

IT'S PRETTY SWEET.

I FEEL, LIKE, PHYSICALLY

REAL COMFORTABLE UP HERE.

LIKE I COULD HANG OUT.

IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GONNA DO

MY 90-MINUTE ONE-WOMAN SHOW NOW.

UM...

[cheers and applause]

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, COMEDY CENTRAL.

AND THANK YOU, GUYS.

THANK YOU.

[cheers and applause]

[Anya Marina's Flinty plays]

*

OH, GOD, DAD DIED.

>> WHEN?

>> I GUESS, LIKE, TODAY.

[sighs]

>> ARE YOU GONNA TALK

ABOUT IT ONSTAGE?

>> YEAH.

>> YEAH, YOU SHOULD

OPEN WITH IT.