All language subtitles for American Pie Presents The Naked Mile 2006 UNRATED 1080p BluRay HEVC x265 5.1 BONE.eng

(ERIK GROANING)

Oh, honey,
you don't look so good.

You should stay home
from brunch.

Are you sure?
Mmm.

I really want to go.

You stay and rest.

You can see Grandma
when we get back.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Thank you, Videobarn dumpster.

Wanna fuck me, baby?

Oh, yes. Yeah.
(KNOCKING ON WINDOW)

You wanna fuck me?

Hey, Erik.

Do you know if your dad
still has my clippers?

I have no idea, Mr. Williams.

All right. Go back
to what you were doing.

(LAWN MOWER WHIRRING)

You wanna fuck me, baby?

Oh, do me, baby. Do me.

Yeah. (MOANING)

(MOANING CONTINUES
ON HEADPHONES)

(GRUNTS)

Yeah. Fuck me, baby.

Yes, please.

Oh, do me, baby.

Do me.

Yeah, just like that.

Oh, yeah! So good,
so good, baby.

Oh, yeah!

I told you I was paying.

So, what's the difference
if you forgot the coupon?

Honey, she doesn't
like to waste money.

There's no way
I'm letting you pay full price

when there's a two-for-one
coupon sitting on the counter.

I'll be right out.

I'm coming, too.
Now I gotta pee.

I'll check on Erik.

WOMAN: Oh, my God.
ERIK: Oh, yeah.

Oh. Oh, that's good.

You like that?
I like that, too.
Oh, yeah!

MR. STIFLER: Here we go.

MRS. STIFLER: Okay, Mom.

WOMAN: Harder.
Harder? Okay.

Oh, yeah! So good.

Like this?
Yeah, right there, babe.

Like this? Like this?
Yeah.

Baby, do me just like that.

Okay, attagirl.

(MOANING LOUDLY)

From behind?
Oh, yeah, baby! Harder!

Okay.
All right.

You wanna cum for me, baby?
Oh, yeah.

Yeah? Cum for me, baby.
I'm so close. I will.

MRS. STIFLER:
We're almost there.

You're gonna cum for me?

I'm about to. I'm about to.

That's it, baby.

(PARENTS AND GRANDMOTHER
SCREAMING)

(MOANING)
(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

Oh!

(WHIMPERING)

(MOANING)

Grandma. Grandma.

MRS. STIFLER: Grandma?
MR. STIFLER: Hey, Grandma

ERIK: And that's the day
my grandmother died.

And it's pretty much
the story of my life.

But let me back things up
a little bit.

That's me.

Not exactly the life
of the party.

That's my buddy,
Mike Coozeman.

Everybody calls him Cooze

'cause that's all
he's ever interested in.

Cooze is a self-proclaimed
ladies' man

and a legend in his own mind.

Sometimes his methods are...

(GROANS)

...questionable.

Very smooth.

Oh, please.
I consider that foreplay.

Where's Ryan?

I don't know.

Last time I saw him,

he was dancing
with Stacey and Shelly.

ERIK: That's my best friend,
Ryan Grimm.

I don't know how he does it.

See, I told you there
was enough for both of you.

He moved here in second grade.

Believe it or not, back then,

I was the one
showing him the ropes.

Now he's the quarterback
of the football team,

and the coolest guy in school.

Hey, I brought you
a vodka and ginger ale,

so it won't upset
your stomach.

Oh, thanks.

That's my girlfriend, Tracy.

We met in Biology,
junior year.

TEACHER: Now make the first
incision into your frogs.

Cut along the ventral side
from the pelvic

to the pectoral girdle.

Oh!

ERIK: I don't know
what she saw in me,

but when I finally got up
the nerve to ask her out,

she said yes.

No, it's okay.

ERIK: And for some reason,
she kept going out with me.

It's like she totally gets me.

Oh!

And I try my best to get her.

Come on.
Take the low one.
It's easy.

(EXHALES) Screw it.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

(YELPING)

Oh!

Are you all right?

(GROANS) I don't know.
Is it possible
to break your ass?

Okay, I promise I'll never
make you ride a horse again.

ERIK: Looks like
she's perfect, right?

There's just one problem.

Tracy's not ready
to have sex yet,

so that makes me a virgin.

Now, being one
of the only virgins
in school is bad enough,

but it's even worse for me.

Yup.

I'm a Stifler.

My cousins are
the legendary Stifler boys.

Steve, his brother Matt,
and our other cousin Dwight.

You see, with my last name
comes responsibility,

a reputation that
I'm supposed to live up to.

Unfortunately, I've let down
the family name

on more than one occasion.

What's your problem, Erik?

Your cousin would've helped me
steal this beer.

Dude, a real Stifler would
have totally fucked that goat.

If you were really a Stifler,

you would have nailed
Tracy by now.

ERIK: Stifler.

My name, my legacy, my curse.

I can't believe
you killed your grandmother
from jerking off.

The coroner's findings
were inconclusive.

Why are you still whacking it
to that dumpster porn?

Yeah, why don't you
just go on the Internet

like a normal person?

Well, because my mom
put on that CyberNanny

after you spent
the entire night looking up
German fetish porn.

Man, you are pathetic.

You know who
I blame for this?

Tracy.
(MOUTHING)

What? Why?

Because, if she would
just give up a little ass,

then maybe you wouldn't
be killing your relatives

with your money shot.

Erik, you cannot
graduate a virgin.

For Christ's sake,
you're a Stifler.

(BELL RINGING)

Hey, sweetie.

How was your math test?

It was all right.
How was English?

Pretty interesting, actually.

You know that kid that
I always tell you about?

He was doing
that pencil thing all...
That's cool.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Erik, we've been
dating for two years.

I know when
something's bothering you.

Nothing's wrong.

I don't know why you think
you have this psychic ability
to read me.

Because I do. What is it?

You're gonna think
I'm an asshole.

Let's just forget about it.

Come on, Erik, you know
you can talk to me
about anything.

All right.

It's the sex.

I mean,

we've been together
for two years.
Two years, Trace.

I mean, when we were juniors,
it was one thing,

but we're seniors now,
and this whole virgin thing

is starting to have
some serious consequences.

I mean, people are dying.

I told you,
I'm not ready yet.

I am so ready.

Can't I be ready enough
for the both of us?

It doesn't work that way.

It should.

I'm sorry, Erik.

I know how patient
you've been.

I know. It's just sometimes...

What?

Well, you're a girl.
It's a lot easier for you
to be a virgin

because the longer
you stay a virgin,

the more pure
and innocent you seem.

The longer I stay a virgin,

the more I become
the laughingstock
of the entire school.

I'm sorry, but... I mean...

I'm sorry I brought it up.

(BELL RINGING)

Look, I gotta go.
I'll see you after school.

Okay.

Bye.

I'm telling you,
his dick was this big.

(ALL LAUGHING)

NATALIE: What about Erik?
I bet he's got a big one.

Well, Tracy wouldn't know.

Whatever.

Yeah, I guess it's pretty hard
to figure out dick size
from dry humping.

Brooke, that's mean.

Just because I don't have
a catalog of the school's
dick sizes like you,

doesn't mean
I don't know a thing or two.

Okay, so how big is Erik's?

See? Told you.
Come on, Brooke.

It's not like that with us.
I mean, Erik's different.

He respects my boundaries.

Well, you better give that boy
a reason to stick around,

or he's gonna find a girl
with looser boundaries.

Erik would never do that.

Yeah, that's what
you said about Trent.

He broke up with you over sex,
and that was sophomore year.

Yeah, this just isn't gonna
work without the sex.

God, Trent is cute,

and I heard he just
broke up with Holly.

Look, Tracy, we love you,
and we love Erik,
but let's get real.

He's a guy,
and guys have certain needs.

They really do.
It's like a caveman thing
or something.

Yeah, I can't believe
you've kept him tied up
this long.

Hey, Erik, guess who
I just talked to?

Who?

Your cousin Stifler
up at Michigan.

Why are you talking
to my cousin Dwight?

Oh, we talk all the time.

What? We have
a lot in common.

What's that crazy
bastard up to?

He's in some fraternity,
and all those guys do
is drink and fuck.

And it just so happens
that they're throwing
a monster party this weekend

for the Naked Mile.

What's the Naked Mile?

Oh, dude, it's this thing
where thousands of students

run naked through campus.

It's their way of blowing off
steam after exams.

Thousands of naked chicks?

Stifler says that this party
is gonna be epic.

Bottom line is,
this place is played out.

High school's over for us.

It's time to plant
our flag in a new land.

Porn, cumshot,
dead grandmother,
grounded forever?

Don't worry.

Just tell your parents that,
you're thinking about going
to school there.

I don't know, man.

Oh, please.

Your mom cried
when you told her

you were going
to school in Boston.

She'll probably help you pack

if she thinks it'll keep you
close to home.

I'll help you pack.

I'll make sandwiches.

Chicken salad?

Of course.

Are you gonna get a chance
to see your cousin?

Yeah. We might stop by
and say hello.

Now, there's someone you
should definitely look up to.

I bet he doesn't have time
to blow his load
on his family.

Harry, please.
MR. STIFLER:
I don't understand.

When I was your age,
I was up to my neck
in poontang.

I didn't have time
to spank my monkey.

Thank you for that very
disturbing image, Dad.

I mean, Stiflers do not fake
being sick to stay home
and pull dick.

We cut class to get ass.

Yes, I know.
That saying is on
our family crest.

Oh, don't let me forget
to pack the Imodium AD.

Just in case you get diarrhea.

Mom.
I am so excited.

Aren't you excited, Harry?

I'm very excited. (LAUGHS)

Don't you get excited.

ERIK ON PHONE: It worked
just like you said.

She's helping me pack,

and she's even
making us sandwiches.

Chicken salad?

Yup.
Oh, sweet.

See, I told you.
Never doubt me.

Man, this weekend
is gonna be tits.

I can't wait to see Stifler.

Hey, how come
you never call me Stifler?

You're more of an Erik.

(BEEPING)

Hold on.

That's Tracy.
I'd better take it.

All right, later.

Hey, sweetie.
Listen, about today,
I'm really...

Erik, I wanna have sex.

Excuse me?

I wanna have sex.

Are you serious?

Absolutely.

Do you have me
on a conference call?

Because if you do,
that is so not cool.

Erik, this isn't a joke.

I want to have sex.

Yes! Yes, yes.

Tonight.

What?

Tonight. I wanna
have sex tonight.

How am I supposed
to get out of my house?

That's up to you.

But at midnight,
I'll be in my basement,

waiting to be ravished.

I'll be there.

Hypocrite.

So you get the beer
and the weed,
and I'll handle the nitrous.

You got it.
What's Erik bringing?

Sandwiches.

Nice. Chicken salad
and college pussy.

My favorite combination.

Yeah, well, at least
you'll get to
taste the chicken salad.

Ow.

Hey, what do you think Erik's
doing right now?

Probably beating off
to dumpster porn.

No more beating off
to dumpster porn.
No more virgin jokes.

Tonight, Erik Stifler
becomes a man.

(KNOCKING ON WINDOW)

Hi.

All right, listen.
No.

No talking.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Wait.

What?

Did you hear something?

No. Don't worry,
my parents are passed out.

Are you sure?
You know how my stomach gets.

Here, I'll help you relax.

You brought something, right?

Oh, shit. I left it at home.

I can run back and get it.
I'll be back in like five...

No, no, don't worry.
I've got one.

Do you wanna put it on
or should I?

Let's put it on together.

Okay.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

(DOOR OPENING)

Shit. Someone's coming.
Quick, get behind
the bar. Now!

Honey, what are you
still doing up?

Yoga.

TRACY'S DAD:
I ate too much at dinner.

Why don't you take
an Alka-Seltzer?

Alka-Seltzer is for babies.

I just need a nightcap.

(FARTING)

Excuse me.

Sounds like you could use
an Alka-Seltzer.

Oh, Daddy. Here, let me
get you your drink.

No, that's okay, honey.
You go back to your yoga.

No, Daddy, I really want to.

Sweetie, I'm a grown man.
I can make my own drink.

(RUSTLING)

What was that?

What was what?

I didn't hear anything.

There was a noise
coming from the laundry room.

Ah.

I must be hearing things.

See, Daddy? I told you.
Now, come make your drink.

(FARTING)

What the...

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

You all right, baby?

I'm fine, Daddy.

(SNIFFING)

Ugh.

Oh, that sick bastard took
a shit in our dryer.

I'm calling the police.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

(SNORING)

ERIK: Shit.

Ryan? Ryan?

Ryan, get up man. Ryan!

What the fuck?

It's me. It's Erik.

Dude, why are you naked
in my room?

And with a rubber
on your dick.

Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.

Look, I'm in serious trouble,
okay? I need your help.

(SNIFFING)

Ugh. What's that smell?

Did you step in dog shit?

Yeah.

Hey, man, thanks for the
clothes. I'll get them
back to you.

No, thanks.
Why don't you just
burn them?

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Wonder if I get a reward
for turning you in.

NEWS ANCHOR ON TV:
If the alleged
improprieties are confirmed,

it could be devastating for
the White House.

Sources near the
administration would neither

confirm nor deny
the allegations.

And in local news,
a masked burglar broke
into an area residence,

defecated in the family
dryer, and then exposed
himself to a teenage girl.

Police are continuing
the search,

but the whereabouts and
identity of the perpetrator
are unknown.

What is wrong
with these people?

And now, Dakota Snow
with the weekend forecast.

I don't know.

You scared me.

Sorry.

Listen, about last night...

Yeah, you know,
I'd just really
rather not talk about it.

I really think that we should.

Erik, you took a crap
in my dryer.

Your dad scared
the shit out of me.

Wait.
You know, let's just...

Let's forget about it, okay?

Okay, but what about
the other thing?

The sex?

I'm taking last night
as a sign from above.

But maybe... I mean,
if your dad
didn't come down...

Erik, I love you. I'm just...

I'm not ready yet.

Really?

Really.

But I also realized just how
ready you are.

I don't wanna break up
over sex.

I don't think we have to.

I'm not ready. You are.
It's selfish for me
to keep you tied down.

So, this is
what I'm proposing.

A guilt-free pass
for this weekend.

That means you can do
whatever you want up there

with no consequences.

You're sure about this?

I don't think love and sex
have to be tied to each other,

so I'm okay with this.

One weekend.
Get it out of your system,

and come back to me.

Is this some kind of a test?

Not at all.

RYAN: Wanted a bomb beer.
COOZE: Yes.

See, this is perfect.

Hey, we all set?

I don't know.

I told you
he'd puss out.

Tell me you at least
brought the sandwiches.

What's the problem?

There is no problem.

Tracy just gave me
a guilt-free pass
for the weekend,

which means I can do
anything I want.

Anything?

You mean...

Yeah, she said that
love and sex don't
have to be linked.

She wants me to
get it out of my system.

Dude, your girlfriend
just went from the lamest
to the coolest in one shot.

You guys think it could be,
like, some sort of a test?

No, no.
No, no.

Tracy's a smart girl.

She's mature enough to see
that you're a man...

Yeah.
And you have certain needs.

You think so?

Absolutely.

You're driving.

Now get in the car
so we can go get you
some random pussy.

Gentlemen, it's Friday
afternoon, we've got
a full tank of gas,

a quarter ounce of weed,
three cases of beer,

a ten-pound tank of nitrous,
we're underage...

And I am too drunk to drive.

Hit it.

(HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

You sure this shit's safe?

It's as safe as any other
chemical used to
freeze-dry animals.

(CLUCKING)

Look at the size
of that fucking chicken.

Where?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

RYAN: Whoa, what the fuck?
What fucking chicken?

Relax, he's hallucinating.

Are you out of
your fucking mind?

Yeah, Tracy.
What were you thinking?

But you guys told me
I had to give him a reason
to stick around.

Yeah, you give him a reason,

not give him a free pass
to go have a weekend orgy.

You've got to stop this.

If he has sex this weekend,
what do you think's
gonna happen?

That he'll get it
out of his system.

Oh, yeah.
That's how it works.

He's gonna go from
getting laid
back to dry humping.

It's pretty risky, Tracy.

Risky? It's a fucking
Pandora's box, literally.

And once he's felt
the soft pink velvet
on the inside of the box,

he's not gonna go back to
rubbing his dick on
the outside of the lid.

Never thought of it like that.

Tracy, men are like dogs

that run around and hump
anything they see.

Now, go and get your dog
back on its leash.

(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

Come on, Erik.

I knew it was
too good to be true.

Sorry, kids.
It's for the best.

Tracy?

Oh, Mr. Levenstein.

Hi.
Hey.

You're back for more yoga.

Well, my wife is hooked on it,

and she thinks if I can be
a little more flexible,
we can try some new...

Have you ever heard of a book
called the Kama Sutra?

No.

Oh, well,
my wife just got it,

and there's some stuff
in there that requires
some serious stretching,

if you know what I mean.

Are you okay, honey?
You look a little upset.

Oh, you know, just some
boyfriend stuff.

Oh, boyfriend stuff.

Well, if there's
anything I can do.

No offense or anything, but I
don't think you'd understand.

Oh, I see.

You know, my son
had his fair share

of relationship-slash-
sexual-slash-

pastry-related difficulties,

and I think my advice
helped him over the years.

Well, do you have any advice
for a girl dumb enough
to give her virgin boyfriend

a guilt-free pass
for the weekend?

I'm sorry, a guilt-free pass?

That means he could do
whatever he wants this weekend
with no consequences.

Oh, my! (CHUCKLES)

Well, that certainly sounds
progressive,

and a safe bet on what is
probably gonna be
a humdrum weekend.

He's at the Naked Mile
this weekend.

You gave your boyfriend a
guilt-free pass to the Naked
Mile? Are you kidding me?

Tracy, the Naked Mile
is insane. You...

From what I hear. I wouldn't
know from personal experience

because I, you know,
I have nothing whatsoever
to do with it.

But, look, Tracy,

even if your boyfriend is at
this Naked Mile,

it doesn't mean
he's gonna do anything.

Really?

Well, just because he can,
doesn't mean he will.

Relationships are
all about trust.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Well, namaste.

Namaste.

Hey, have you seen my phone?

No.

Maybe you left it
back at school.

No, I thought
I put it in my backpack.

Hmm. Mmm-mmm.

Hey, you wanna pull over
at that stop up ahead?
I gotta take a piss.

Just piss in a can
or something.

Man, I could cut my dick
on the lip.

Well, piss out the window.

ERIK: (YELPS) Hey!

(LAUGHING)

Love that breeze off the lake.

COOZE:
This place is incredible.

Just think, next year
I'm gonna be going here.

Yeah, thanks to Daddy
and his alumni connections.

Fuck off. I told you,
I got in
on my SAT scores.

You scored five points
above being legally retarded.

(RYAN AND ERIK LAUGHING)

Whatever. Still got in.

Hey, why does it smell
like piss back here?

RYAN: This is it.
Beta Delta Xi.

ERIK: This is the house?
RYAN: Yeah.

ERIK: Cool.

What's going on here?

I have no idea.

ALL: (CHANTING) Drink. Drink.
Drink. Drink.

Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(GROANS)

MAN: Okay.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Yeah.

How you feeling there,
Stretch?

Little dizzy?

'Cause guess what?

Stifler can drink this shit
all day long.

(ALL CHEERING)

Your cousin is my hero.

(MAN WHISTLING)

All right, everybody freeze!
Oh, shit.

Campus security.

Nobody takes another drink...

Till I got my bet down.
I got $200 on Stifler!

(ALL CHEERING)

Spanky, you had me going,
you silly son of a bitch.

SPANKY: Let's do it. Do it!
(GROANING)

(ALL CHEERING)

You got steel nuts, my man.
I'll give you that much.

But you're no match
for the Stif-man.

Fuck you, Stifler.

ALL: Ooh!

Yeah.

Yeah.

(ALL MURMURING)

What's the matter,
Boy Band?

You need a little something
to settle your stomach?

(BELCHING)

ALL: Oh!

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(BLOWING)

Yeah, take in
the Stifler essence. Mmm!

Mighty pungent.
(VOMITING)

(ALL YELPING)

Oh!

Yeah!

And still Heavyweight Drinking
Champion of the World,

Dwight "The Iron Liver"
Stifler!

(ALL CHEERING)

I'm a bad motherfucker, baby!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

He's okay. He's okay.

Oh, hey, cousin.

How you doing?

I'm fine, Dwight.
Are you okay?

Oh, yeah,
I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Hey, I heard that you killed
Grandma with your cumshot.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

That sucks, man.

Mmm-hmm.

Should we take him
to the hospital?

RYAN: No, he'll be fine.

He told me he does this,
like, once a month.

Okay, well, you guys keep
an eye on him. I'm gonna
go to the bathroom.

Of course I'm going.
It's the Naked Mile.

So, when are we
gonna start partying?

Oh, someone's feeling
a little frisky.

Let's just say I finally
decided to live up
to the family name.

Stifler? We got a serious
problem, man.

Mike and the guys just got
arrested trying to steal
a monkey from the zoo.

So what's the problem?
Just take the money
out of my bail fund.

They're almost half
our football team.

We gotta put a team on the
field, man, or we're done.

Why?
'Cause we're already on
probation.

We gotta participate
in every intramural event

or we're kicked off
campus, man.

We're four guys short.

I play football.

I played freshman year.

What about you?

A little Nerf here and there.

Good enough. Stifler?

Mmm?

Can you play?

Don't ever

ask if Stifler can play.

I'm good.

The team we're playing's
been undefeated for
five straight years.

These guys must be
pretty serious.

Fucking-A-right,
they're serious.

Lambda Pi Gamma.

They're our arch rivals
in everything.
Sports, women, booze.

These guys are fucking evil.

MAN: Get ready!
Come on! Down!

Blue 42.

They're midgets.

Hut!

Don't let their size
fool you.

These guys are
fucking animals.

Did I do too much nitrous?
A midget fraternity?

Those rich midgets from
those infomercials gave
the school some huge grant,

and started a school
for the vertically challenged
and a fraternity.

And this is where every midget
in America wants to be.

Hot feet!

DWIGHT: That's right.

Breakdown.

These guys are
the best of the best.

ROCK: Well, well, well.

If it isn't
the regular-size retards
and Captain Retard himself.

You ready to get your ass
kicked again, Shitler?

Get back to Oz there
before you get
your ass stomped, Toto.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Toto was the dog,
you fucking idiot.

Lick my balls,
Big Wheel-riding,
midget motherfucker.

It's little person, fuck-nut.

This year, I'm gonna take
a chunk out of your other leg.

You little...

(ALL YELLING)

You want it?
You want it? Come on.

Take it easy.

Whoa. Whoa.

Out of my way, assholes.

ERIK:
What's that guy's problem?

That's Rock.
He's fucking crazy.

He plays dirty.
ROCK: Out of my way,
you fucking idiot.

Last year, he bit a chunk
out of my thigh.

COOZE: Jesus!

RYAN: Hey, his girlfriend's
pretty hot.

COOZE: Yeah. What's with
that regular-size guy?

Oh, it's Rock's cousin.
They had to
let him in. Legacy.

What a douchebag.

Can he play?

No, he sucks.
(BOTH LAUGHING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Hey, keep your head up.

Whatever, they're midgets.
How bad can it be?

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Holy shit!

Keep your head up, bitch.

I told you, man.
Don't underestimate
these little bastards.

DWIGHT: Down!

Set!

Hut!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Yeah!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Let's go, fellas.
Get on the line.

DWIGHT: Down!

How you feeling, Stifler?

I'm 6'1", Frodo.
How about you?

Set!

Hut!

(SCREAMING)

The little fucker's
biting me again.

(SCREAMING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Funny, you don't look 6'1"
from here, shit stain.

(I WISH PLAYING)

DWIGHT: God,

I hate that fucking guy.

Getting killed out there.

I can't get loose.

They're so fast and small.
I don't know what to do.

Quit crying, you bunch
of bra-wearing pussies.

I just got a hunk
taken out of my leg.
You don't hear me crying.

All right, let's put
our balls on the table.

Let's go out there, show these
little sons of bitches what
being a Beta's all about.

You understand
what I'm saying, fellas?

(ALL AGREEING)
All right, Beta on three.

One, two, three, Beta!
ALL: Beta!

Down! Set!

Hut!

Go!

(ALL CHEERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

All right, we got
five seconds left, guys.

If you're about to
get tackled, lateral it
to the nearest guy.

It's our only chance.

All right, let's go now.
Come on, Beta on three.

Beta on three.
Who's with me?

One, two, three, Beta!
ALL: Beta!

Down!

Set!

Hut!

(MY HERO PLAYING)

(WHOOPING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(GROANING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(ALL CHEERING)

WOMAN: We kicked your ass!

(CONTINUES GROANING)

You're still my bitch,
Stifler.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

I can't believe
we lost to midgets.

Don't let those Oompa Loompa
bastards get to you.

Right now, we have more
important matters to
tend to, gentlemen.

From what I understand,

my cousin has
a guilt-free pass

to bang all the girls
he can find.

That I do.

Oh, that is good news.

Christ, for a while
I was starting to
think you were adopted.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Gentlemen,

welcome to paradise.

Boys and girls,

we have a celebrity
in our midst.

The Heavyweight Drinking
Champion of the World,

Dwight "Iron Liver" Stifler!

(ALL CHEERING)

ALL: Ooh!

(WHOOPS)

All right, you pussy-wipes,
I'm gonna go find
some lady friends.

Try not to blow your wad
in the first minute, huh?

There is no way Allison's
party was better than Jimmy's.

You're nuts. Jimmy's
party had two kegs

and those two theater chicks
went down on each other
on the pool table

in front of everybody.

What the hell
are you two
talking about?

What?

Two kegs, theater chicks.
Well, guess what?

We're in a college bar full of
unlimited booze and pussy,

and we're sitting at the bar
talking about
high-school parties.

Ryan? Ryan!
What's your problem?

That Great Falls attitude.

All you guys do is
talk about Great Falls

like it's the end-all
and be-all of existence.

The place is a fucking trap,
which is why
I'm going to California.

I'm not gonna get stuck like
the rest of them.

Yeah, I know.
I think that's great.

Yeah, but don't you see?
That's what this weekend
is about for me.

What do you mean?
To see if I can do it.

If I can start over
and accept being low man
on the totem pole.

Ryan, it's just
a weekend, man.

Maybe to you, but to me
it's a lot more than that.

Man, I sound like a chick.

I really need to
go get some pussy.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

No, no, no, no. It's fine.
I can't believe I did that.

Here, come with me.

Quick, take off your shirt.

Excuse me?

Well, I just, I wanna
get the stain out.
Oh, yeah, right.

I knew that.

Are we allowed
to be back here?

Oh, yeah, don't worry.
I used to bartend here.

Cool.

Look, I'm really, really
sorry about this. Right.

Accidents happen.

I'm Brandy, by the way.
I'm Erik.

You know, any other
frat asshole would bite
my head off right now

if I spilled a drink on him.

Here.
I'm...

I'm not in a fraternity.

Oh, you're not?
So you're independent?

What's that?

You know, a student
who's not Greek.

No, I'm just visiting
for the weekend.
I'm a senior in high school.

High school?

Yeah.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

Really? Most girls slap me
or kick me in the balls
when I say that.

Why? It's hysterical.

That's what I say.
What are your names?

I'm Jill and this is Alexis.

Hey, this is
my buddy Ryan.

Hey, Ryan.
Hey, Ryan.

Hey, ladies.

Amnesty International.
Is that some
kind of rock band?

It's an organization
that works to protect human
rights all over the world.

Oh, yeah.

MAN: Hey, get away
from our dates.

Down here, asshole.

What the hell do you want?

Just what he said.

For you two to
get away from
our dates.

In your dreams, Willow.

There is no way these girls
are here with you.

Are you?

But why?
They're cool.

And sexy.

You gotta be
fucking kidding me.

(GROANS)

Ain't nobody kidding
around here, punk.

If you got a problem,
we could settle
this right here.

Oh, I would love to.

Okay, stop it, you guys.

Listen, it was really nice
meeting you two, but we're
spoken for tonight.

Come on, baby, let's dance.

That did not
just happen.

Time for a Stifler blowjob!

Oh, get sexy, ladies,
I love it. Oh, I feel
a stirring in my loins.

You've gotta meet my roommate.

I would love to.

Dude, the fucking midgets
just stole our women.

RYAN: Yeah, those fuckers
are out of hand.

I told you guys,
don't underestimate
those little bastards.

That midget quarterback
stole my girlfriend last year.

Slut!

ROCK: Out of my goddamn way.

Holy shit!

I thought this place had
a no-loser policy. What are
you assholes doing here?

Fuck off, Mighty Mouse.

Man, don't take it out on me
because your ladies
like it short and thick,

rather than tall and skinny.

(LAUGHING)

Rock, don't you know, baby?
This bar is like
a roller coaster.

Yeah, it has
a height requirement,

and I'm afraid
you just don't measure up!

Motherfucker.

Easy! Easy! Easy!

This isn't over, Shitler.

Oh, you got that right!

Never get in my way, woman.

What's up?

Bitch.

BRANDY: (LAUGHING)
That did not happen.

I swear to God, I was running
through the streets
with nylons on my head

and the condom still on.

I can't believe
I just told you
that story.

I think it's great.

I mean, think of it
this way, you'll never
forget your first time.

Well, it wasn't...

Technically...

Oh, no, wait.

You mean
you didn't even get to...
He came down too fast.

Oh! (LAUGHING)

Thank you. Thank you for
laughing at my misfortune.

I think you're a sweetheart.
And you're really cute.

This is me.

So, are you guys
running the Mile tomorrow?

I don't know.
There's something about
running naked down the street

while you're still a virgin...

Didn't stop you before.

Touche.

You never know,
that virgin thing,

it could totally change
by the end of the weekend.

Thanks for walking me home.

(GROANS)

What the hell
happened to you
last night?

What's up, fellas?

What's up?

What's up is
we got cock-blocked

by some midgets at the bar.

Cooze, never mind that.
Where the hell were you?

Well, Mother,
if you must know,
I was with a girl.

Ooh.

Mmm.

Bullshit. What girl?

Her name is Brandy.
She's in a sorority
and she's hot,

and I'm supposed to meet her
at the Mile tonight.

Dude, I don't get it.

We come to college,
we get blown off
by chicks for midgets,

and you're hanging out with
a sorority girl?

What the fuck
is going on here?

So, what are you gonna do?

What do you mean?
He's gonna bang that chick.

Aren't you?

What?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course I will.
I'm on a guilt-free pass,
why wouldn't I?

Why the hesitation, man?

(GROANS)

Oh, shit!
You're not gonna do it.
I said I'll do it.

Erik, you've been given a gift
from above. Don't fuck it up.

I won't.

Yes, you will.

No.

I... I gotta get out of here.

(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?

ERIK: Hey, it's me.

Calling to see
how you're doing.

I'm fine,

I'm just studying.
Oh. Okay.

Cool.

So, did you guys decide
if you're gonna run
in the Naked Mile?

No, not yet. But you know me,
I'll probably just wimp out.

I mean, you don't have to.

Yeah, I know.

Are you okay?
I mean, you sound
a little weird.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.
I just wanted to call
and say hello.

Thanks, but you don't
need to check in.
I mean, go, have fun.

That's what this weekend's
all about.

You're the greatest.

Erik Stifler.

Hey, Mr. Levenstein.
Hello, Erik, good to see you.

Yeah. Wow, I haven't seen you
since my parents'
New Year's party, right?

Yes, well, your folks really,
really know how to
ring in the new year.

Look, I'm sorry about
my dad giving you that
wedgie in front of everybody.

Well, your dad's been doing
that to me since we were kids,

and strangely enough,
I enjoy it.

So, what are you
doing up here?

Oh, well,
I went to school here

and, you know, I like to come
back every now and then

and check out the campus.

That's the only reason
I'm here. No other reason
that I can think of.

And what about you?
What are you doing here?

Actually,
it's kind of personal.

Oh. Well, say no more.
Okay.

Okay, listen,
good seeing you.

Yeah, for sure.

Actually, Mr. Levenstein,
you were a counselor

at Tall Oaks Band Camp
with my cousin Matt, right?

Yes. Yes, I was.
And your cousin Matt
needed some counseling...

Yeah.
I might add.
I gave him some advice.

Advice. (CLEARS THROAT)
Do you think I could

confide something in you?

Well, sure.
Yes, Erik, anything.
Anything.

Okay.

I'm a virgin.

Okay, can I stop you there?

You're a Stifler and a virgin?

Yeah.

Well, so you're a virgin.
What's the big deal?

Well, the other night,
my girlfriend and I...
We tried to, you know...

Right. But her father

came down before
we had the chance to.

So she changed her mind
completely about the sex,

but she gave me a guilt-free
pass for the weekend.

You got the guilt-free pass?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean,
you've got the old
guilt-free pass dilemma.

Yeah.
It's a tough one.

I didn't think people your age
knew about that kind of stuff.

I believe I know more
about this than you think.

Good, because I just
don't know what to do here.

I mean, I've got this
smoking-hot sorority girl
all over me.

Well, you know, my son Jim

went through kind of
a similar dilemma.

He was going out
with this very attractive

foreign-exchange student
named Nadia.

Right, right, yeah. That's
the one he blew his load
too early with, right?

Yes.
Twice.

Yes.
Over the Internet.

That's the one.
Yeah.

Well, blowing loads aside...

Yeah.

The next summer Nadia came
to visit Jim at the beach,

and he turned her down

because he had fallen in love
with Michelle,

who he later married,
and is now
the mother of my grandchild.

So you're saying
I shouldn't hook up
with this sorority girl?

I'm saying I think only
you know the answer
to that, Erik.

Well, gotta run.

Oh, Erik, I was sorry to hear
about your grandmother.

Last night was amazing.

Yeah, it was.

The three of us should
do it again sometime.

Definitely.

Definitely.

Hey, buddy.
You know how to get
to Murray Street?

Oh, yeah, man.
Just go right down
Maryland Avenue...

What the...

What is this?
Enter the Midget?

It's little people, asshole.

Come get some.

Come get some, baby!

(SCREAMING)

(PANTING)

Midgets jumped Stifler.

ALL: What?

The midgets jumped Stifler.

He's in
the hospital right now.

Oh, shit.

Holy shit.

Man, he is fucked up.

First Grandma,
and now this.

All right, we gotta get
those fucking midgets.

Yeah, man.

Jesus, Ryan, keep it down,
will you? I got
a huge fucking headache.

We thought
this guy was you.

Fuck, no.

I don't know
what happened to that pussy.

Hey, man,
what the hell happened?

Rock and his boys jumped me,
wearing all black
and ski masks.

Like I wouldn't know
it was them.

Are you all right?
Are you gonna be able
to run in the Mile?

Doesn't look like it.

Doc says the Stif-man's
gonna be laid up for at least
a couple of more days.

Hey, don't worry.
We will find
those little fuckers.

No. I appreciate it, okay?
Stifler'll think of something.

Now you guys are up here
to do two things. Have fun,

and run naked

with hundreds of hot,
big-breasted, horny women.

You understand?

ALL: Yeah.

Good. Now get the fuck out of
here so I can get some sleep.

Hey, Erik, stick around
for a second.

Yeah.

Listen, I know
what you're going through.

You do?
Sure, yeah.
I had the same problem

when I was in middle school.

But living up to
the family name is
not an easy thing, man.

Yeah. What did you do?

Well, I whipped out
my dick in class,
stole the principal's car,

and then I fucked
a lunch lady.

Oh.

But, hey, that's me.

What do you think I should do?

It's not for me to decide or
advise. You gotta figure
that out on your own.

But I will say this.
We got a
pretty fucked-up family,

and it's nice having a guy
like you around.

Now, seriously, go.

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

All I have to say is,

thank you, Dad,
for getting my dumb ass
into this school.

Gentlemen, we have officially
arrived at our destination.

ROCK: Look who decided
to show up.

I didn't think you guys
would have the balls for this.

I guess I was right.

Check it out.
They still got
their clothes on.

(LAUGHING)

Where is old Shitler? I guess
the king of the Naked Mile
didn't make it this year.

Nobody starts this fucking
Naked Mile without me!

(ALL CHEERING)

(MOUTHING)

Hello, my loyal subjects.

The king has arrived!
Bring out your titties!

You really think that little
beating you gave me
could keep me away?

You and the Lollypop Guild
punch like
a bunch of 5-year-olds.

This is my fucking school.

Right, screw those guys.
We're here to have fun, right?

Oh, fucking-A-right,
we're here to have some fun.

Hey, why the hell do you guys
still have your clothes on?

Listen, Stifler,
we were talking
and...

Hey, Stifler.
I like your IVs.

DWIGHT: Hello, ladies.

Looking sexy as always.

Heard you were
in the hospital.

Just a little beating
by a bunch of midgets.

Hey, Cooze.

Jill the Thrill.
Back on the Cooze radar.

(IMITATING RADAR BEEPING)

Hey, Erik.

Hey, Brandy.

Ryan.
Alexis.

So, you ladies ready
to run this Mile

and get extra fucking sexy?

ALL: Hell, yeah!

What about you guys?

Yeah, what are you guys
doing still dressed?

Well, we figured
we'd just watch the Mile

and then meet you guys
at the party afterwards.

That's too bad 'cause this
Naked Mile is gonna be crazy.

Really crazy. Right, Brandy?

Absolutely out of control.

Yeah! That's what
I'm fucking talking about,
boys.

Set the cocks free!

Let's huddle up over here.
Come on, fellas.

Cock huddle.

All right, bitch tits.

I got a little surprise
for you fuckers.

What do you got?

Just a little pharmaceutical
delight for later.

JACKSON: Stifler!
You uncircumcised twat!

Jackson, you little-dicked
motherfucker.

What is this?

It looks like some kind of E.

Should we take it now?
He said save it for later.

Fuck that! I'm about to run
naked through the streets.

I need all the drug-induced
courage I can get.

I'm so glad you guys
decided to run.

You must work out.

Yeah, well, I play football.

Mmm. I love football players.

Did anybody ever tell you
that you have a nice ass?

That guy's a prick!

Hey, Stifler, is this supposed
to be some pretty good E?

What E?

The pills you gave us.

Oh, shit! You retards.

That's not E.
It's that fucking
four-hour hard-on drug.

Oh, shit.
DWIGHT: I scored some
at the hospital.

I thought you limp-dicked
bitches could use some.

Oh, God.
Holy fuck, you didn't...

Holy shit!

I don't think I can talk
this one down, man.
It's got a mind of its own.

Hey, do not run
behind me. Okay?

It's... It's just that we
thought that it was...

Honey, don't apologize.

Yeah, you guys are
running with us.

Oh, man! This is going to be
the best Naked Mile ever!

(FEEDBACK SCREECHING)
(ALL GROANING)

(BEEPING)

Who is that guy?

That is big, bad
Noah Levenstein.

(CHUCKLING)

The craziest bastard
this campus has ever known.

My bad. My bad. Welcome to
the Naked Mile.

(ALL CHEERING)

Yes, you know,
when I started
this race many, many...

Christ, he started this whole
thing back in the '60s.

...many years ago.
It was just...
Just a passive protest.

Just a way to "stick it
to the man, " so to speak.

Right on. Right on.

But over the years,
it's become somewhat
less political.

And now, it's just

some sort of Roman orgy,

which I'm down with,
by the way.
(ALL LAUGHING)

But let's keep
one thing in mind.

This is about
showing the world
your youthful exuberance,

and your unabashed commitment
to higher learning,

and having fun
while you're doing it,

which is where
the naked part comes in.

ALL: Yeah!

And being completely naked
is, of course,

a perfectly natural thing.

There's not one part
of one's body

one should be ashamed of,

be it one's pubic region

or one's breasts,

as in the case with
you young ladies...

(ALL CHEERING)

And a couple of you young men.

But you should all just revel
in the glory of being seen

as the people you are.

Incidentally, if anyone has
anything...

Come on,
let's fucking do this!

(ALL CHEERING)

I second that motion,
young man.

Okay, everybody ready?

Get set...

(GUN FIRES)

Still going?

You know it, baby. Hell, yeah!

You love the Boss Hogg!

(WHOOPING)

All right, yeah. Look at this.
Look at all these teats.

I'm adrift in a sea
of boobies, and my balls
are scraping the pavement.

Oh, heads-up.

WOMAN:
Look, it's the boner guys.

Nice cocks.

Oh, you got that right, sexy.

Dude, you have serious issues.

Hey, naked people only!

(GROANS)

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

Come on, sweetie.
Let's finish this thing.

I'm standing at the finish
line of a very proud,
but strange tradition

called the Naked Mile.

Ever year after exams

hundreds of students
run a mile through campus

in nothing more than
their birthday suits.

(LAUGHING)

This is
the greatest thing ever!

Hell, yeah!

I can't believe we did this!

Yeah! Naked Mile, baby!

Beta House fucking rules!

Come on, marathon men.
Let's get ready for the party.

I did it. I really did it.

Way to go, cuz.
That's my cousin.

Some people call it
lewd behavior,

but the students say it's just
a good way to blow off steam.

And maybe,

find love.

This is Hal Michaels,
reporting from the Naked Mile.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Stifler has arrived!
(ALL CHEERING)

(HOWLING)

Yeah! Yeah!

Holy shit! Is this even
the same house?

I think I had a wet dream
that started like this.

It's those guys.

And ended like that.

ERIK: Wow, taking those pills

might just be the best thing
you guys ever did
for your social lives.

Oh, yeah.

You wanna dance?

Is my dick hard? Of course
the Cooze wants to dance.

(WHOOPS)
(GRUNTS)

Are you gonna dance, sexy?

Or are you one of
those football players
who's too cool to dance?

Oh, baby, they don't call me
the White Shadow for nothing.

Come on, cutie.

What a bastard.

I told you to call off
that stupid guilt-free pass.

I'm so sorry, honey.

Is there anything
we can do for you?

No, I think I just want
to be alone.

No way. We are not
leaving you alone so you
can beat yourself up.

Yeah, but I told him to do it.
I mean, I can't get
mad about it now.

Would you quit
being so logical,
Tracy? We're girls.

Boys should know better
than to trust us
to be rational.

It's not in our nature.

It's really not.

So, you are going to
get dressed.

Then, we're going
to Allison's party.

That will get your mind
off of Erik.

I don't want to.

Well, you don't have a vote
in this. Now get dressed.

Check out our boy. Think
he's going to lose it tonight?

Nope. Bet he screws it up
and ends up jerking off
in the bathroom.

I'll bet 20 bucks says
he nails her.

(SCOFFS)

Oh, you're on.

Hey, hard-on brothers.

Do you guys have any idea
how much everybody here
has been talking about you?

I was getting that feeling.

Yeah!

Okay, listen up,
'cause I got a plan

that's gonna make
you guys legends.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Give a big Beta House welcome
to Ryan "Steel Rod" Grimm

and Mike "Everhard" Coozeman!

Yeah, Cooze!

(ALL CHEERING)

Tonight is the dawning
of a new era

in meaningless
male competition.

The Heavyweight Hard-On
Championship of the World!

For the first phase
of the competition,

a bucket will be
hung on the dong
of each of our contestants.

That bucket will be filled
with a pitcher of beer.

First person to drop
the bucket is the loser.

(ALL BOOING)

So let the penis games begin!

Ahh!

Commence the pouring!

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

You like that?

Oh, yeah, baby!

(MOANING)

Oh, I am so sorry about that!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Still good.

(ALL CHEERING)

Next competition.

The ring toss.

Let's have it, girls.
Come on.

That's right! On that penis!

Come on, baby,
just like Six Flags.

ALL: Aww!

Wrong head!

Ow!

Ring around the cocksy.

You needed an extra inch
on that one.

Can you believe this?

Do not let Cooze win.

Next competition!

I got a nine-inch strike zone,
baby.

You cocky prick.
You can't miss it!

It's a hardball, son!

Hey, boner, boner, boner.

Swing, boner!

Deep center, baby!

Foul ball!

Bunt.

That is it.
We're calling it a tie.

Your Co-Hard-On Champions
of the World,

Ryan "Steel Rod" Grimm
and Mike "Everhard" Coozeman!

(ALL CHEERING)

Fifty-six, 57, 58, 59...

Who's the fuckin' champ, baby?

BROOKE: Boys are
a bad influence.

I mean, you have no idea
what he's doing
or who he's doing it with.

This guilt-free pass thing?
Completely ridiculous.

The bottom line is this.
You two will never be
on the same level again.

You're a virgin and he's not.
It's just not gonna work.

So, what?
I'm supposed to break
up with him?

No, but you need
to get back
on the same level.

You need to
sleep with somebody.
Tonight.

Brooke.
Shut up, Natalie.

It's the only way.
Imagine a month from now,

you decide to do it with Erik.

All you're going to be
thinking is that he's already
had sex with some other girl.

The relationship will not be
equal unless you do this.

Oh, look.
There's Trent.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Perfect.

Hey, cool. A pool table.
Do you play?

Sometimes.

Well, what do
you want to play?

I don't care.

Okay. Well,
how about nine-ball?
Look, nine-ball.

It's... It's easy. You just
have to get the balls in order
from one through nine.

I'll show you.
I'll break right now.
You'll be good at it.

Erik.
Yeah.

(CRASHING)

Come here.

This is special to you,
right? I mean,
this weekend, this night?

Erik?
Yes?

This is sex, not Shakespeare.

Are you sure you want to?
Because I doubt
I'll be very good.

Don't worry. I know how to
handle guys like you.

Guys like me?

Virgins.

I can take care of virgins.

You mean,
I'm not your first virgin?

I have a bit of a confession.

Some girls like blonds,
some like muscles.

I like virgins.

Are you ready for
a special night?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey there, beautiful.
Didn't expect to see
you here tonight.

I came to apologize.
I heard about what happened,

and I wanted to let you know
that I didn't know
anything about it.

You're not just here
to set me up?

I would never want to
let anything happen to
that gorgeous face.

You sure you're supposed
to be dancing on enemy
territory like this?

I dance where I want,
with who I want.

I like your style.

And your ass.

You know,
I don't usually go for

suburban, jock,
Abercrombie clones,

but there is something
about you.
Yeah?

Well, I tend to have
that effect on
pacifist, vegan bisexuals.

This guy's got good taste.

You sure you're up for this
after that little incident
downstairs?

They don't call me "Everhard"
because I've only got
one bullet in the chamber.

But just to be sure...

Should you be taking
more of that?

More? I didn't take it
the first time.

You mean...
That's right, baby.

We're gonna have
a good time tonight.

Now get your worthless ass
on the bed, you peasant.

Excuse me?

I said, get on the bed

you worthless peasant!

What is your problem?
Whoa, what's that? What...

Ow! God!

I said, get on the bed,

and I meant it.

Oh, yeah, baby. I get it.

And I'm into it.

Shut up!

(GROANING)

All right! All right!
All right! (YELPS)

(COOZE GROANING)

Brandy.

Look, I can't do this.
I'm really sorry, okay?

I mean,
you're really gorgeous
and really cool,

and I'm sure that every single
guy on this planet

would love to sleep with you,
including me.

But I just can't.

I'm in love.

I hope this girl knows
how lucky she is.

I seriously doubt that.

Got to say it again.
This is a very nice surprise.

What can I say?
I'm full of them.

So, what about Erik?

We're on a weekend
guilt-free pass.

We can do anything we want.

Anything?

Anything.

I like the sound of that.

Is this your room?

Why, yes, it is,
my diminutive goddess.

Good, because
we are going to need

a little bit of privacy.

(BOTH MOANING)

That's it, you pathetic slave.
Keep doing that.

Don't you think this is
getting a little out of hand?

Oh, you haven't even seen
"out of hand" yet.

I didn't mean
we had to stop.

Oh, we're not stopping.
We're just getting started.

You ready to get kinky?

Whoa, this isn't kinky yet?

Not even close.

What is that noise?

(MOANING)

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

What the hell?

(ALARM BEEPING)

You got to be kidding me.

(SIGHS)

(HORSE SNUFFLING)

So, you wanna go upstairs?

Yeah, I do.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(PANTING)

Hi, Mr. Sterling.
Is Tracy home?

Hello, Erik. No, she's not.

She's gone to a party
with Brooke and Natalie.

Oh.

Okay. Well,
sorry to disturb you.

Have a good night!

(URGING HORSE)

Crazy little fucker.

We gotta find Tracy.
We gotta find Tracy.

We gotta find Tracy.
Where the fuck is Tracy?

I don't think sex has
to be just one-on-one.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

What the hell?

Tracy!

Hey!

Trace!

What the hell are you
doing here?

And on a horse!

Where's Tracy?
I have to see her.

We think it's best
if you just
leave her alone.

What? Why?

Because we know about
your little sorority slut.

What are you talking about?
She saw you
kiss that girl on TV.

Shit. Wait a second. So what?
I was on a guilt-free pass.

Wake up, Erik.
There is no such thing.

Where is Tracy?

Oh, we gave Tracy
a guilt-free pass,
and she's using it right now.

Tracy! Trace!

Hey, hey. Tracy Sterling.
Have you seen her?

I think she went upstairs
with Trent a little...

Tracy!

Tracy.

(WOMAN MOANING)

Trace, can you hear me?
Are you in there?

Trace, if you can hear me,
I am sorry.

I am really sorry about
everything, okay?

I know you gave me this pass,
but I didn't use it.

I mean I did use it,

but it was
only for a few seconds.

I couldn't go through with it,
so I came here looking
for you, okay?

Look, I don't care about
the sex. I really don't.

It's not the most important
thing. You are.

Trace, I love you.

Can you hear me?
Dude.

Do you mind? I'm trying
to get laid here.

TRACY: You rode
a horse for me?

When I heard her,
I thought...

I couldn't do it, either.

I love you, too.

(ALL CHEERING)

Should we?

(BIRTHDAY SONG PLAYING)

(VIBRATOR BUZZING)

I'm telling you, man.
I parked the car right here.

Well, obviously, you didn't,
because then
it would be right here.

Where the hell is Erik?

Dude, I don't even know
where my underwear is.

RYAN: Hey.

Somebody call a taxi?

Where the fuck did you go?

To get some breakfast.

Oh, sweet. I'm starving.

(GROANING)

I take it you guys
had a good night.

Oh, completely
out of hand, bro.

Where are the girls?

They all split this morning.
Said they had to drive to
State for some big party.

That must make you
feel pretty special.

"Special"?
Who cares about special?

All I care about is the sex.

And, baby, I had plenty.

And just how out of hand
was this sex, Cooze?

I don't wanna talk about it.
Ever.

Speaking of which,

did you seal the deal
with that Brandy chick?

No.
(BOTH GROAN)

I told you. Pay up.

But I did have sex with Tracy
last night.

What are you talking about?

Tracy.

I drove home
in the middle of the night,
I ran out of gas,

stole a horse, rode over
to Allison's party...

We had sex in the guest room.
COOZE: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You stole a horse?
Yup.

A real horse? Like the kind
you ride and shit?

Yeah, a real horse.

That's fucking fantastic.

I didn't think you had the
balls for something like that.

Neither did I.
COOZE: Where did you
find a horse?

Are there horses
in Great Falls?

Proud of you,

Stifler.

Thanks, man. I appreciate it.
But call me Erik.

Ooh.

RYAN: So, how do you feel?
ERIK: Best night
of my entire life.

COOZE: See you in a year,
college pussy!

Mail call, bitches.

Scooter.

Scratchy.

Tripod.

What the hell?

What is it, man?

I don't know.

Smile for the camera, baby.

Oh, man.
That is fucked up.

(DWIGHT AND VICKI MOANING)

Stifler!

(TOP OF THE WORLD PLAYING)