All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S03E18 - The Spit-Covered Cobbler (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

Alan, I forgot my toothbrush,
can I use yours?

Oh, dear Lord, no.

Do you have any idea
how many bacteria

can be transferred
from mouth to mouth

on a toothbrush?

I don't know. How many?

Okay, I-I-I don't know
the actual amount...

Then why'd you bring it up?

Poor judgment.

The point is,

sharing these things
is a bad idea.

Are you saying you don't want

your toothbrush in my mouth,
'cause, Alan...

I know, I know.

I get the hypocrisy.

Just... just humor me.

Okay, I have, um...

I have hard, medium
or soft bristles.

Uh, I have straight
or curved handles,

and, uh,
for your flossing needs,

I have, uh, waxed,
mint-waxed, unwaxed,

and if you're feeling
especially adventurous,

may I suggest
the cinnamon?

Maybe I'll just wait
till I get home.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

One day you skip brushing,
and before you know it,

your teeth rot away
and you're begging strangers

to start your apple.

Fine. I'll take the pink one.

I always wondered,

what's the little
rubber thing

at the end for?

Oh, it's to massage
your gums.

Oh. I thought
it might be an eraser...

but who writes when
they're brushing their teeth?

I-I-I don't know.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Well, I-I-I kind of have to pee.

Go ahead.

Oh, no, no, I'll wait
till you're finished.

Are you shy about peeing
in front of me, 'cause, Alan...

Again, I get the hypocrisy.

I-I-I just think it's important

to keep a little mystery
in a relationship.

It's just peeing, Alan.

Not necessarily.

Um, sometimes
when a man urinates,

other muscles see that
as a green light to relax.

So you've never peed
in front of a girl?

Uh, well, my ex-wife,

but, uh, after six,
seven years of marriage,

who gives a damn anymore?

Okay.

I'll brush out here.
Thank you.

Ouch!

ALAN:
What?

One of my teeth hurts
when I brush it.

Well, when was the last time
you saw a dentist?

Alan, I see people all the time.

They don't always tell you
what they do.

Hey, are you... are you done?

'Cause I got to rinse.

No, I... I can't go

when I know
you're listening.

Would it help
if I sang the pee-pee song?

Uh, the what?

My mom used to sing it to me.

* Tinkle, tinkle, little star

* In the potty, not the car

* Up above the bowl so high

* Like the raindrops
in the sky... *

Hey, hey,
it's working!

( Alan passes gas )

Oops, green light.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

* Oh...
* Men.

( engine grinding to turn over )
ALAN:
Okay, okay, stop, stop, stop.

( engine noise stops )
KANDI:
Should I try it again?

ALAN:
Uh, not yet. Okay, now.

( engine grinding to turn over )
ALAN:
Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop.

( engine noise stops )
Morning.

ALAN:
Morning.

KANDI:
Morning, Charlie!

Need any help?

Do you know how to get
a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?

Yeah, yank out
the eight-track

and push it off a cliff.

( mock guffawing )

You're useless.

Sure.

Hey, you got a little
grease on your face.
Where?

Cheek.

Oh.

Did I get it?

Mm, no, there's
some more.

Now?

Little on
your forehead.

Yeah?

Perfect.

Now sing "Swanee River."

KANDI:
Alan, should I try it again?

Uh, no. I'm going
to call Triple-A.

KANDI:
Good. No sense
drinking over this.

You must be so proud.

Hey, hey, she may not be
sophisticated,

but she's street smart.

Sesame Street smart.

Just leave it alone.

Let me ask you something.

Have you stopped to consider
the long-term cost

of a relationship
with a girl that young?

Charlie, it's
a free tow.

Oh, sure, that's how
it always starts--

with a free tow--
but who's going to pay

to fix the car
after it's towed?

Um...

"Um" is right,
my dim-witted friend,

and that's
just the beginning.

Girls like Kandi need
all kinds of stuff,

and the only way
they can pay for it

is through horny
morons like you.

So her car breaks down,
and I should just dump her?

This is a short-term
relationship, right?

I don't know...
Trust me, it's a
short-term relationship.

I mean, Kandi's not
the brightest bulb

in the chandelier,
but even she's going

to wake up one
day and wonder

what she's doing
shacked up

with a penniless putz
who's twice her age.

Kandi's not like that.

Just wait.

Your first minor stroke,
and she'll be boinking

the cardiologist
before you can scrawl

"What happened?"
on your notepad.

Okay, for the sake
of argument,

let's say you're right.

What's your point?

My point is, you don't
dry clean a rented tuxedo.

You don't redecorate
a hotel room.

You don't order cable
for a port-a-potty...

unless you're really,
really drunk.

And you don't take on
the bills of a girl

that's got the
attention span

of a monkey chewing
on a fly swatter.

Okay, I-I-I appreciate your--
how shall I describe it--

compassionate advice,
but all I'm doing here

is arranging for a free tow
for a friend.

( snapping noise outside )

Alan, I don't think
the engine's flooded anymore.

Fire extinguisher?
Under the sink.

Thank you.

Hey, you know,
if you don't hurry up,

you'll be late
for school.

I don't mind.

Okay, well, that takes
the pressure off.

How come my dad's
not bringing me?

He's helping Kandi
get her car fixed.

Aw, geez. And him already broker
than a headless hooker.

Hey, how come
my mom hates Kandi?

What gave you the idea
that she hates her?

'Cause she says so...

a lot.

All right.

Why do you think?

I don't know.

She's pretty, she's fun, and Dad
seems real happy with her.

Well, little man, you just
answered your own question.

I did? What'd I say?

It's like this.

You ever see a kid at school
who doesn't like his lunch

but he won't let you have it,
either?

Oh, yeah. Russell Beasley.

He'll spit
on his apple cobbler

before he'll let
anybody else eat it.

Well, this is
pretty much the same deal,

except your mom
is Russell Beasley,

and your dad
is the spit-covered cobbler.

I don't understand.

Even though your mom
doesn't want your dad,

she doesn't want Kandi
to eat him, either.

Oh.

You know, I like cobbler
with ice cream.

Way to follow
a train of thought.

Thanks.

Well, I guess we should go
to school now, huh?

Couldn't hurt.

I'll see if can find
my books.

Sweet kid.

Yeah.

Shame he'll never be

anything more than a burden
to society.

Yeah.

Do you know
a good lawyer, Alan?

No, but my ex-wife does.

Why?

'Cause I want to sue the guy
who sold me that lemming.

Y-You mean lemon.

I do?

Okay.

Did-did you get any kind
of a-a written guarantee

when you bought it?

No, it was more
of an oral agreement.

All right,
Mr. Harper,

I've looked at your
daughter's vehicle.

She's, uh...
she's not my daughter.

Oh.

Good for you.

Anyway, the prognosis
looks rather bleak.

I-I understand.

I mean, the vehicle
was on fire.

I know.

What is she, like, 21?

Twenty-two.

And a half.

Good for you.

Yeah, yeah,
but what about the car?

Oh, the car?

The car's got to
be 25, 26 years old.

I mean, can it be fixed?

Anything can be fixed.

Hell, they put a pig's heart
in my Uncle Vinnie.

How much?

All of it.

My Aunt Phyliss likes to call
him the other white meat now.

No, I-I mean,
how much to fix the car?

For you, three grand.

What?!

Once again, the car was on fire.

I had to wait an hour

before I could
even touch it.

But I only paid $800 for it.

Eight hundred dollars?

Well, dear heart, I hate to be
the bearer of sad tidings,

but there's a chance
some unscrupulous businessperson

has taken advantage
of your good nature.

Boy, that happens a lot.

Well, $3,000
is out of the question.

It'd make more sense
just to get her a new car.

Oh, Alan, thank you!

That's the sweetest thing
anybody's ever done for me!

Good for you.

Hey.

Hey.

Why isn't your
car in the garage?

I, uh...
I loaned it to Kandi.

Ah.

And how much are you paying
to fix hers?

For your information, nothing.

Nothing?

Not a cent.

I'm leasing her a Saturn.

Tell me again about
the free tow, Alan.

Come on, she-she needs a car,

and-and-and the lease terms
are surprisingly reasonable.

They're practically
giving them away.

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

I'm going to solve
all your problems.

Do you want to see it coming,
or should I surprise you?

( mock guffawing )

You're not funny.

( phone rings )

Hello?

Hang on a second.

It's your dentist.

He wants to talk to you
about Kandi's teeth.

Thank you.

Hi, Dr. Weinberger.

Thanks for seeing her
on such short notice.

Can I have some privacy, please?

Sure. Get your
own place.

No, she's not covered
under my dental plan.

Twenty-two and a half.

Yeah, yeah, good for me.

Did you get a chance
to look at her tooth?

Oh, oh, a-a-a-a root canal.

Well, well, how much is that?

Yow.

Well, wh-what do you mean,
there's more?

Who told you to look
at her wisdom teeth?

That girl's got
wisdom teeth?

Okay, what's the worst thing
that can happen

if you don't
take them out?

How infected?

All right,
i-i-if it has to be done,

it has to be done.

Yeah, send me the bill.

Okay, bye-bye.

Here, aim
for the cheap seats.

CHARLIE:
Alan?

What are you doing?

( panting ):
Well, I'm in a little bit
of a-a cash flow crunch,

and I, uh... I thought I'd
use this to-to pay some bills.

I see.

Mind helping me out?

Sure.

Promise me you'll spend it
on food, not whiskey.

My pain brings you
a lot of pleasure, huh?

I'm a simple man.

( phone rings )

It's your ex-wife.

Oh, perfect. Get the bat.

This is the bat.

Hello?

Oh, oh, good.
I-I was hoping it'd be you.

What? Of course
I remember the Alamo.

Oh, oh, oh, you mean alimo-ny.

( laughing )

I was...
I was thinking,

uh, Davey Crockett,
Jim Bowie...

Oh, oh, come on, Judith,

why can't we share
a few chuckles?

Oh, oh, no, no, I-I agree.

There's nothing chuckle-worthy
about a subpoena.

Well, you know what?
I will tell you what.

Uh, I will bring
you the check,

uh, when I
pick up Jake.

I-I-I promise.

O-O-Okay, okay, bye-bye now.

You've got to pick up Jake.

Why?

'Cause I don't have her money.

It's in Kandi's mouth
and-and-and Kandi's car.

What about the treasure
of the Sierra Madre over there?

This?

This is nothing.

One car payment
and maybe a bikini wax.

Bikini wax?

A girl's got to keep those up.

It's a landscaping issue.

You just got to buy me
some time with Judith.

What are you going to do
with more time?

You can't sell your blood;
your ex-wife already took that.

And if you sell your sperm,

what's the point
in dating Kandi?

Well, uh, for your information,
I-I do have other options.

Like what?

Well, I've been looking at,

uh, uh, part-time work,

and, uh, I have some
very promising auctions on eBay.

Oh, really.
What are you auctioning?

Well, a-a few rare books,

a couple of lithos,
a set of golf clubs...

Since when do you play golf?

Uh, well, technically,
they're your clubs.

You're stealing from me?!

Oh, come on, you only bought 'em

so you could go to Palm Springs
and pick up lesbians.

This is ridiculous.

Why don't you just ask me
to lend you some money?

Would you lend me money?

Absolutely...

if I hadn't taken a bath
on the Super Bowl.

Well, I-I need to do this
by myself anyway.

You know, I-I still
have my pride.

Wow. You really think that, huh?

Well, it doesn't matter
as long as I have Kandi.

She looks up to me.

She-she thinks
I'm special.

She thinks I'm smart.

She thinks gazpacho
is Pinocchio's father.

What can I say, Charlie?

I'm-I'm-I'm
crazy about her.

All right,
I-I certainly don't want

to stand in the way
of your happiness.

Well, thank you.

One question, though.

Yeah?

What are you going to tell Jake

when he notices
his change jug is gone?

Oh, uh, it'll be okay.

I left him a postdated check.

It'll be good by the time
he goes to college.

Yeah, like that kid's
going to college.

* Men.

Perfect. Just perfect.

Judith, I know what
you're thinking...

I'll tell you
what I'm thinking.

Your brother's
a weaselly little coward

who doesn't have the guts to
face to his responsibilities...

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

There's a little more to
this than meets the eye.

Oh, really? And I suppose you're
going to explain it to me?

I'm going to try,
if you'll calm down

for a minute and listen.

All right, I'm listening.

Are you calm?

I'm listening.

Okay. You know why
Alan's not here?

Because he's ashamed.

Well, he should be.

Judith, that's
not listening.

He's ashamed because no
matter how hard he works,

he just can't
seem to get ahead.

You know his business is
falling apart, don't you?

Really? He hasn't
said anything.

Because he's too proud.

Poor guy lost all his
chiropractic walk-ins

to an unlicensed
massage parlor

that opened up
right between him

and the Jamba Juice.

You're kidding.

I'm deadly serious.

Who's going to pay to
have their spine adjusted

when, for half the price,

they can get their
dingus dusted?

Well, I wouldn't know
about that.

As it turns out, I'm
a bit of an expert...

and I'm telling you,
he's going under.

Oh, my God.

Did you know he took
a part-time job?

No.
But you didn't
hear it from me.

And please, please, don't
say anything to Jake.

The last thing Alan wants
is to look like a failure

in the eyes of that
little boy in there.

Of course not.

I won't say a word.

Thank you.

Hey. Where's Dad?

Just go with Uncle Charlie.

Okay.

Why is Mom crying?

Because I'm good.

I'm very, very good.

* Men.

I'm really getting tired
of pizza.

Well...

I'm off to work.

Get used to it.

( in bad Italian accent ):
Enjoy-a your pizza.

Scusi, signora.

Um, Alan, what
are you doing?

Oh, Judith,
I swear to God,

I-I will get you your alimony
as soon as possible...

No, please,
don't worry about it.

Really?

Charlie told me what's going on.

I don't need the money
right now.

Really?

I may not have mentioned it, but
when my grandmother passed away,

she left me a pretty
substantial inheritance.

Really?

In fact,
I want you to have this.

Really?

Pay me when you can.

The important thing is
you get back on your feet.

( in bad Italian accent ):
I'm-a so happy.

Hi, Huggy Bear.

Boy, I love the new car
you got me.

Hi, Mrs. Harper.

Doesn't he look cute
in a mustache?

( in bad Italian accent ):
I'm-a so sad.

* Men.

( door opens and shuts )

( sighs )

How's that
pride doing?

It's nice they let you take
a few home.

It's in lieu
of health insurance.

Did you know they actually have
a little machine

that shoots the cheese
into the crust?

Is that so?

Yep. It's a little
high-pressure gun.

Can't kill yourself with it,
though.

I tried.

I got to tell you
something, Alan,

and this is from the
bottom of my heart.

I think that you are
the stupidest man

on the face
of the Earth,

but I admire your
perseverance.

You're going to have to talk
into the other ear.

This one's full of cheese.

( sighs )

KANDI:
Is that my Huggy Bear?

Yeah, it's him.

KANDI:
Hey, guess what?

You know my roommates,
Ellie and Emmett?

Yeah.

Turns out they're not
really brother and sister,

so they started
sleeping together.

Oh, that's lovely.

Anyway, now they're going
to get their own place,

and I don't know
how I'm going to pay

the rent by myself.

Huh.

Oh, God, Kandi,
I can't, I can't.

I-I-I'm all tapped out.

All I have left to put on eBay
is a-a kidney or a lung.

If I were you,
I'd sell the kidney,

'cause lungs
don't grow back.

I'm sorry, honey.

You're just going to have

to handle your living situation
on your own.

Okay. Hey,
guess what else?

You've got a loved one who needs
either an operation or bail?

No, silly. I'm finished
with the dentist,

and my mouth
is all better. See?

Hey, I've got an idea.

Why don't you
move in with me?

Okay!

( in bad Italian accent ):
I'm-a so screwed.