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1
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:03,971
So, any thoughts on what you'd
like for dinner this weekend?
2
00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:05,406
You decide, honey.
3
00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:07,841
I love everything
you cook.
4
00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:10,211
Oh, so all of a sudden
I'm a woman because I cook
5
00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:12,480
and try to make a
nice home for you?
6
00:00:13,481 --> 00:00:15,583
Okay, I heard it, too.
Shut up.
7
00:00:15,649 --> 00:00:17,551
JAKE:
Gangway!
8
00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:20,654
Jake!
9
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:21,622
Leave him alone.
10
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:22,890
With his grades,
11
00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:25,159
he might as well get used to
pushing shopping carts around.
12
00:00:25,226 --> 00:00:26,627
Are you saying
my son's going
13
00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:28,462
to end up working
in a supermarket?
14
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:31,599
No, I'm saying
he's probably going
to end up homeless.
15
00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:35,803
Well, as I live and breathe,
Charlie Harper.
16
00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:39,973
( sotto voce ):
Oh, great.
17
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,242
Archie.
18
00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:44,312
So how's the best
jingle writer in
the business?
19
00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:46,647
Looks like he's put
on a few pounds.
20
00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:48,716
Archie, this is
my brother, Alan.
21
00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:51,785
Alan, Archie Baldwin,
the king of the jingle writers.
22
00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:53,087
Well, I don't know
about that.
23
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:56,490
More like the ayatollah
of the jingle writers.
24
00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:58,726
The Grand Pooh-Bah,
if you will.
25
00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:01,295
Really? What's that
make you, Charlie?
26
00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:04,232
To be honest,
a little nauseous.
27
00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:06,267
Hey, listen,
we should get
together sometime,
28
00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:06,900
maybe collaborate.
29
00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:08,169
I'd like that.
30
00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:10,704
Well, sure,
there's no downside for you.
31
00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:13,341
What the hell.
32
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,976
Remind me about it
at the awards dinner.
33
00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:17,845
Oh, I'm not going
to that.
34
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:18,979
Well, why not? You're nominated.
35
00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:21,081
What are you
nominated for?
36
00:01:21,149 --> 00:01:22,850
It's a silly
advertising award.
37
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:23,751
Doesn't mean anything.
38
00:01:23,817 --> 00:01:25,253
Yeah, he's right.
39
00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:27,721
It's not about the trophies,
it's about the work.
40
00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:31,492
P.S.: My work
has won seven trophies.
41
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:33,227
Hey,
42
00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:35,763
one more,
I'll have a menorah.
43
00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:38,932
Well, good luck, Archie,
but I think I'll pass.
44
00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:40,834
Oh, well, good for you.
45
00:01:40,901 --> 00:01:41,869
Stay home and sulk.
46
00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,404
Nice meeting you.
47
00:01:43,471 --> 00:01:48,976
Okay, where do they keep
the extra-large condoms?
48
00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:51,979
Boy, he's a piece
of work.
49
00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:54,515
He's a piece
of something.
50
00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:56,049
Hey, how come you
never mentioned
51
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,117
that whole awards thing?
52
00:01:57,185 --> 00:01:58,319
It's no big deal.
53
00:01:58,386 --> 00:01:59,653
I've been nominated
plenty of times.
54
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,088
Oh. Well, how many
times have you won?
55
00:02:01,155 --> 00:02:02,856
What difference
does it make?
56
00:02:02,923 --> 00:02:04,192
So never.
57
00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:05,759
Yes, Alan, never.
58
00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:09,197
But that guy Archie has
won, like, seven times.
59
00:02:09,263 --> 00:02:10,631
Yes, he has.
60
00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:14,568
Wow, that's got
to sting.
61
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:17,137
Hey, Alan, have you ever been
beaten to death
62
00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:18,572
with a can of corn?
63
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:21,675
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
64
00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:24,678
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
65
00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:28,516
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh, ooh
66
00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:30,384
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
67
00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:32,720
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
68
00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:36,557
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
69
00:02:36,624 --> 00:02:39,493
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
70
00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:49,237
( pop rock music playing )
71
00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:52,105
* Bad stuff grows
in the crack of your toes *
72
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,742
* And nobody knows
like Toe-Zene *
73
00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:58,479
* Itchy feet burn,
make you squiggle and squirm *
74
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:02,216
* Get fast relief
with Toe-Zene *
75
00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:03,817
* Toe-Zene
76
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,686
ANNOUNCER:
Toe-Zene anti-fungal medication
should not be used
77
00:03:05,753 --> 00:03:07,421
by pregnant women,
people with heart conditions
78
00:03:07,488 --> 00:03:09,657
or those who are taking
SSI inhibitors.
79
00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:13,227
* Toe-Zene.
80
00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:16,897
I don't know.
This could be my year.
81
00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:21,001
I really think
it's your best work, Charlie.
82
00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:21,602
Thanks.
83
00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:23,404
I know I said the same thing
84
00:03:23,471 --> 00:03:24,638
about Mr. Herpes Lip Balm.
85
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:25,706
Yeah.
86
00:03:25,773 --> 00:03:28,342
Just Like a Woman
Natural Douche.
87
00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:31,445
And that hemorrhoid cream.
What was it called?
88
00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:34,315
Fire in the Hole.
89
00:03:36,784 --> 00:03:39,152
That was good, but Toe-Zene
is the one
90
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,555
that's finally going
to bring home the gold.
91
00:03:41,622 --> 00:03:43,791
Thanks for your support, Rose.
92
00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:44,558
You're welcome.
93
00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:47,628
Now, can you do something
for me?
94
00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:50,398
No.
95
00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:53,133
Oh, come on, Charlie.
96
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,569
I want you to talk
to my boyfriend.
97
00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:58,972
Why would I want
to talk to your boyfriend?
98
00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:01,909
Because he's smothering me,
and not in the good,
99
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:05,346
"Can you move your thigh
off my face" kind of way.
100
00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:09,016
I need my space, Charlie.
101
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,852
I wake up in the morning
and there he is staring at me.
102
00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,186
I have a bowl of soup,
103
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,855
and there he is blowing on it
for me.
104
00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,089
Even when we have sex,
105
00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:20,260
I can feel his eyes burning
a hole in the back of my head.
106
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:24,231
Oh, that's going
to keep me up tonight.
107
00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:27,267
You have to explain
to him that
108
00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:30,604
if you love someone,
you have to let them go.
109
00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:32,773
If they come back,
they're yours.
110
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,676
If they don't,
then you stalk them.
111
00:04:35,743 --> 00:04:37,511
Look, I really don't want
to get involved
112
00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:38,646
in your love life.
113
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,414
Well, if someone doesn't
talk to him,
114
00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,049
we're gonna have to break up.
115
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:45,686
Do what you have to do.
116
00:04:45,753 --> 00:04:47,321
Oh, I get it.
117
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:49,857
You want me
to be single again.
118
00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:54,227
Get him over here.
119
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,764
Thank you.
120
00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:58,999
Was that so hard?
121
00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,371
* Men.
122
00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:07,007
( playing soft version
of Toe-Zene jingle )
123
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:15,215
I had no idea
these awards were
so prestigious.
124
00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:18,118
They're meaningless crap.
125
00:05:18,185 --> 00:05:21,789
Come on. Look at this list
of past winners for Best Jingle.
126
00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:23,424
Barry Manilow, Randy Newman,
Kenny Loggins,
127
00:05:23,491 --> 00:05:26,494
Archie Baldwin, Archie Baldwin,
128
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,462
Archie Baldwin...
( bangs piano keys )
129
00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:30,531
What's your point?
130
00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:33,367
My point is it's an honor
just to be nominated.
131
00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:35,903
No, no,
it's an honor to win.
132
00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:36,770
Being nominated
133
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,973
is just a soul-sucking
waste of time.
134
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,109
Why are you so sure
you're going to lose?
135
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,578
Because it doesn't matter
who wrote the best jingle.
136
00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:46,947
It's about who has
the sexiest product.
137
00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:49,883
That's why the awards always go
to car and beer ads.
138
00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:52,653
Over-the-counter medications
just aren't hip enough.
139
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,489
That hardly seems fair.
140
00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:56,824
Tell me about it.
141
00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:59,793
Encourage people to get drunk
and drive fast, great,
142
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:01,028
here's an award.
143
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:05,599
Relieve the heartbreak
of vaginal itching?
144
00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:08,235
They don't even want
to shake your hand.
145
00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:12,540
Well, win or lose, you should
still go to the ceremony.
146
00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:13,574
No, no, no, no, no.
147
00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:15,242
An awards ceremony
is like a Thai massage.
148
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:18,546
If you don't know
that there's going
to be a happy ending,
149
00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:19,647
there's no point
in lying down.
150
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:20,548
It's not just about you,
Charlie.
151
00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:21,815
You have a family
152
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,150
who's proud of your
accomplishments
153
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:25,419
and might like the chance
to share them.
154
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:26,720
What family is that?
155
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:29,590
Your family:
me, Jake, Mom.
156
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:30,558
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
157
00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,125
Do not tell Mom
about this nomination.
158
00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:33,226
Why? It's a good thing.
159
00:06:33,293 --> 00:06:34,695
It doesn't matter.
160
00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:36,530
If it's a good thing,
she'll find a way
to make it bad.
161
00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:39,132
Okay, now you're just
being ridiculous.
162
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:39,900
Oh, really.
163
00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:41,602
Let's try
a little experiment.
164
00:06:41,669 --> 00:06:42,803
I'll pretend I'm Mom
165
00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:44,237
and you tell me
something good.
166
00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:46,474
All right. Um,
167
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:49,276
hey, Mom, I have discovered
a cure for cancer.
168
00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:50,844
Very nice.
169
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:52,713
Shame you couldn't
do it in time
170
00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:55,449
to save Uncle Walter's
left testicle.
171
00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:58,619
Come on.
Give me another one.
172
00:06:58,686 --> 00:06:59,920
No, I get the idea.
173
00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:01,421
No, hit me.
174
00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:03,857
Okay, um...
175
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:06,927
Gee, Mom, it really
is a beautiful day, huh?
176
00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:10,998
Try telling that
to Uncle Walter's
one good nut.
177
00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:16,069
Okay. Um,
I adore my son.
178
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:18,171
Somebody has to.
179
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:23,043
How about friendship?
180
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,011
How about Judas?
181
00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:25,145
Family.
Manson.
182
00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:26,346
Puppies.
Rabies.
183
00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:28,048
Love.
Communicable disease.
184
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:28,782
You win.
185
00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:31,051
Quitter!
Leave me alone.
186
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:31,985
You're already alone.
187
00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:35,122
Your wife threw you out,
remember?
188
00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:37,390
* Men.
189
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,426
ROSE:
Damn it, Gordon!
190
00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:40,961
Get up there and
talk to Charlie.
191
00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:43,263
GORDON:
But I don't want to
talk to Charlie.
192
00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:45,999
ROSE:
Do you like having
sex with me, Gordon?
193
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:47,935
Hey, Charlie.
194
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,069
Hey, Gordon.
195
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:50,203
What's going on?
196
00:07:50,270 --> 00:07:51,739
Oh, not much.
197
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:53,040
I was just passing by.
198
00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:56,343
Thought I'd see
how you're doing.
199
00:07:56,409 --> 00:07:58,546
I'm doing fine.
200
00:07:58,612 --> 00:08:00,180
Good.
201
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:02,816
Good...
202
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:06,353
Nice shirt.
203
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:08,822
Right back at ya.
204
00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,325
So...
205
00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:14,127
Rose says I have
to talk to you,
206
00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:16,564
or I can't have sex
with her anymore.
207
00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:17,865
I see.
208
00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:20,267
You sure you're making
the right choice?
209
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:21,969
Call me crazy.
210
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:25,405
Well, crazy is the price
of admission for that ride.
211
00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:27,407
Okay, come here, sit down.
212
00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:28,341
Oh.
213
00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:30,177
You want a beer?
214
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:31,478
Oh, no, thank you.
215
00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:33,380
I'm a really mean drunk.
216
00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:36,283
I sensed that.
217
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:39,587
Anyway, the thing you need
to understand about Rose--
218
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:41,755
about any woman really is--
219
00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:43,557
they want what they can't have.
220
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,392
But Rose can have me.
221
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:46,459
Trust me on this, Gordon.
222
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,528
Play it cool,
keep your distance, be aloof,
223
00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:51,298
you'll have to call the cops
to get rid of her.
224
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:52,933
You really think so?
225
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,735
I know so.
226
00:08:54,802 --> 00:08:56,503
But they won't come
right away.
227
00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:58,205
She'll still have time
228
00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:01,575
to hot glue her high school
graduation picture
229
00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:04,812
to your freshly shaved ass.
230
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,018
* Men.
231
00:09:12,519 --> 00:09:13,553
Hey, Mom,
232
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:15,589
here's some good news.
233
00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:17,357
It seems
with medical breakthroughs,
234
00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:20,761
the average lifespan
will soon be a hundred years.
235
00:09:20,828 --> 00:09:24,197
Wonderful. More time
to be ignored by your children.
236
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,535
Amazing.
237
00:09:28,602 --> 00:09:30,671
Morning, Mom.
238
00:09:30,738 --> 00:09:32,172
You're looking
very pretty today.
239
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:35,876
That's nice,
because inside I'm dead.
240
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,748
When you're right,
you're right.
241
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:42,783
Charlie, I need a favor.
242
00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:44,785
Yeah, well, I need
a healthy liver,
243
00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:46,820
and there's a long
waiting list for both.
244
00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:49,589
I've got a client coming
into town next Saturday,
245
00:09:49,657 --> 00:09:51,058
and he's bringing
his lovely daughter.
246
00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:54,762
Uh, and by "lovely,"
she means "dog-like."
247
00:09:54,828 --> 00:09:56,797
All right, she may not
be a beauty queen,
248
00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:58,766
but she does have
a terrific figure.
249
00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:01,702
I'm guessing six nipples.
250
00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:07,174
Anyhow, I was hoping you could
show her a good time.
251
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,676
No big deal.
252
00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:10,077
You don't even have
to take her to dinner.
253
00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:11,745
Just go to the beach
and throw a stick
254
00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,246
till she gets tired.
255
00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:16,416
Gee, Mom, as much as I'd love
256
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:19,787
to service the unfortunate
little schnauzer,
257
00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:21,288
I'm busy next Saturday.
258
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:22,489
What are you doing?
259
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:23,824
I've... I've...
260
00:10:23,891 --> 00:10:25,826
I've got a... uh...
I got a... I got a thing.
261
00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:27,995
Don't lie to me, Charlie.
You've got nothing.
262
00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:28,962
You just don't want
to help me.
263
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:30,197
No, no, no, no.
I...I... I swear.
264
00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:31,865
I have... I have...
I have plans.
265
00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,300
I'm... I'm...
I'm going to this...
266
00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:35,869
this awards ceremony.
267
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:37,204
You never go
to these things.
268
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,872
Yeah, well,
this year's different.
269
00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:40,941
Your client's daughter
will just have
270
00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:43,677
to hump somebody else's leg.
271
00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:49,116
Told you I could
get him to go.
272
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,894
This is really boring.
273
00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:02,896
Keep it to yourself, Jake.
274
00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:05,232
I just don't understand
why I had to come.
275
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:07,968
You're here to support
your Uncle Charlie,
276
00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:09,036
the same way
he supported you
277
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:11,338
by going to your
Christmas pageant this year.
278
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:13,073
You remember the one,
where you stood in back
279
00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:14,441
picking lint
off your antlers
280
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:15,608
while the rest of the class
281
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,878
recited
"The Night Before Kwanzaa."
282
00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:21,982
Oh, yeah. Uncle Charlie?
283
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:22,950
What?
284
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,786
Now you have to come
to my Easter pageant.
285
00:11:25,853 --> 00:11:29,656
This event isn't
televised, is it?
286
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:31,024
No.
287
00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:34,461
Hmm. Well, I guess they only
show the important awards.
288
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:38,799
Congratulations.
289
00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:41,769
You've just been elected
tonight's designated driver.
290
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,173
Come on, just ignore her.
291
00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:51,378
Ignore her? It would be easier
to ignore blood in my urine.
292
00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:52,579
Well, well, well.
293
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:55,548
Look who decided
to be a good sport.
294
00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:57,384
Speaking of blood in my urine.
295
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:58,919
Hey, Archie.
296
00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:00,888
Hey, I want
to tell you people,
297
00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:03,390
this man has been
a real inspiration to me.
298
00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:03,824
No, come on.
299
00:12:03,891 --> 00:12:05,192
No, no. I mean it.
300
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,060
Whenever I'm struggling
to write a jingle
301
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:08,595
and I feel like
I'm not measuring up,
302
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:12,499
I ask myself, how would
Charlie Harper write this?
303
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:15,769
And the answer always makes me
feel better about my own work.
304
00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:20,908
So, Charlie, aren't you
going to introduce me?
305
00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:23,676
Mom, Archie.
Archie, Mom.
306
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,612
You're Charlie's mother?
307
00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:29,282
Oh, a teenage
pregnancy, no doubt.
308
00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:33,286
How brave of you
to keep him.
309
00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:37,424
Well, aren't you adorable.
310
00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:40,627
Mom, Archie is nominated
in the same category as Charlie.
311
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:41,761
Oh.
312
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:44,531
Well, I'll be
rooting for you, Archie.
313
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:47,868
Okay, then,
thanks for stopping by.
314
00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:48,969
Good luck.
315
00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:49,870
You deserve it this year.
316
00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:51,204
Thanks.
317
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,807
I mean, how many times
can they snub you?
318
00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:55,542
I don't really keep track.
319
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,510
Seven.
320
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:01,681
Seven years
in a row.
321
00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:02,782
If you say so.
322
00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:05,518
Hey, stick around
after the ceremony.
323
00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:07,988
If I win, I'll let
you hold my trophy.
324
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:14,027
Not to mention the little
statue they give me.
325
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:20,800
Isn't the little statue
the trophy?
326
00:13:20,868 --> 00:13:24,237
Just eat your chicken.
327
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,907
And now, before we present
the Jingle of the Year Award,
328
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,508
we have a special treat.
329
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:32,345
Please tell me
they're gonna pass out guns.
330
00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:34,915
Our very own seven
-time award winner,
331
00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:37,550
here to perform his own
nominated tune,
332
00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:40,087
composed especially
for the United Nations'
333
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,821
Save-an-Orphan program...
334
00:13:41,889 --> 00:13:44,892
Oh, God, not orphans.
335
00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,659
Archie Baldwin!
336
00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:50,097
Oh, goodie.
337
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,865
( piano playing gentle tune )
338
00:13:51,932 --> 00:13:54,301
This is for
all the orphans out there.
339
00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:04,211
* There's no tree
at Christmastime *
340
00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:08,448
* No pumpkin Hallow's Eve
341
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:13,086
* No candles
on the birthday cake *
342
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:18,058
* No reason to believe
343
00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:23,931
* He works all day
in a cold, dark mine *
344
00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:28,936
* His little lungs
filled with soot *
345
00:14:29,002 --> 00:14:32,672
* Her mom is
Kim Jong's concubine *
346
00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:37,444
* Her dad was killed
by the Tonton Macoute *
347
00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:39,679
* Save the orphans
348
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:42,515
* Ah... *
349
00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:45,518
* Save the orphans
350
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:51,124
* Don't do it for me
351
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:52,792
* Don't do it for you
352
00:14:52,859 --> 00:14:57,897
* Do it for little Kim Sung,
( clicking noise ) and Abu *
353
00:14:57,965 --> 00:15:01,534
* Save the orphans
354
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:04,137
* Ah... *
Come on, everybody!
355
00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:08,375
* Save the orphans
* Ah... *
356
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:10,643
Tax deductible!
357
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:14,781
* Save the orphans
358
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:18,251
* Save the orphans
359
00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:21,288
* Save the orphans
360
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:23,991
Woody Allen
can't marry them all!
361
00:15:24,057 --> 00:15:26,126
* Save the orphans
362
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,728
Some of them
don't even have parents!
363
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:31,598
* Save the orphans
364
00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:33,800
Get two, get one free!
365
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:36,836
* Save the orphans
366
00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:38,838
You're the ones
paying for scholarships!
367
00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:40,773
* Save the orphans...
368
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:44,377
* Save
the orphans *
369
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:46,713
* Ah...
370
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,681
* Save the orphans
371
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:49,682
* Ah...
372
00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:51,951
Enough!
373
00:15:52,019 --> 00:15:53,753
But it's catchy.
374
00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:57,024
So is diphtheria.
375
00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:58,891
How come you don't get
a runner-up trophy?
376
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,527
'Cause I don't.
377
00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:03,563
In school, everybody gets a
trophy just for participating.
378
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,699
Well, Jake,
that's the difference
379
00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:08,368
between school and life.
380
00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:10,837
In life, all you get
for participating
381
00:16:10,903 --> 00:16:13,773
is pain, loneliness and death.
382
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:14,941
( car horn honks )
383
00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:17,877
Better luck next year, Charlie!
384
00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:20,647
Good night, boys.
385
00:16:26,053 --> 00:16:28,088
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
386
00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:32,325
There's also
crushing humiliation.
387
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:33,393
Huh.
388
00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:35,895
Well, in sixth grade,
you get a trophy.
389
00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:38,431
* Men.
390
00:16:42,069 --> 00:16:44,137
Hey.
391
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:45,605
Can I get you anything?
392
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:50,377
A length of rope
and a rickety stool?
393
00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:53,613
Charlie, it's understandable
394
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,915
that you might be a
little blue right now.
395
00:16:55,982 --> 00:16:57,917
But that will pass.
396
00:16:57,984 --> 00:17:00,687
Get out of here, Alan.
397
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:03,256
You know, I often find
398
00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:05,925
that when things
look darkest,
399
00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:07,860
it really helps
to share your...
400
00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:11,164
I swear, I will drop-kick you
over that railing.
401
00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:12,632
All right.
402
00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:17,036
Pleasant dreams.
403
00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:20,573
You don't dream in a blackout,
you moron.
404
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,376
Hey, Charlie.
405
00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:25,312
Oh, God.
406
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:26,913
How'd it go tonight?
407
00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:28,981
Well, let me put it this way:
408
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:32,252
What the advertising community
did to me earlier this evening,
409
00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:34,887
Archie Baldwin is now doing
to my mother.
410
00:17:34,954 --> 00:17:38,725
He's not acknowledging
her wonderful talent?
411
00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:41,528
Just leave it alone, Rose.
412
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:42,295
Sorry.
413
00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:45,064
Have you seen Gordon?
414
00:17:45,132 --> 00:17:46,833
Not since I
talked to him.
415
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,968
And by the way, thanks
for that opportunity.
416
00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:53,573
I've always wanted to bond with
a pasty kid who dresses like me.
417
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,143
Well, I don't know
what you said to him,
418
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:58,611
but he's been acting
very strange, lately.
419
00:17:58,678 --> 00:18:01,148
Lately?
420
00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:03,650
I keep calling, but he
doesn't pick up the phone.
421
00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:06,253
And when I leave a message,
he doesn't call back.
422
00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:09,021
I thought you wanted him
to stop being so clingy.
423
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:12,859
I thought I did, too, but now
I miss his cute little face
424
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:16,629
peeking at me while I'm washing
my hair, shaving my legs,
425
00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:19,866
soaping up my breasts,
which you no doubt remember
426
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,502
are extremely firm and perky.
427
00:18:22,569 --> 00:18:25,738
So he spies on you
in the shower?
428
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:28,508
No. That would be weird.
429
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:33,646
Why is love so complicated?
430
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:35,615
I don't know, Rose.
431
00:18:35,682 --> 00:18:37,550
Stuff happens.
432
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:38,418
Oh, Charlie,
433
00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:41,654
you always know
the right thing to say.
434
00:18:43,323 --> 00:18:46,259
Well, this is a fine
kettle of fish.
435
00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:50,263
Oh, why can't I just
black out in peace?
436
00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:52,532
"Be aloof," you said.
"Play hard to get."
437
00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:55,935
You just wanted me out of your
way so you could make your move.
438
00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:57,970
You caught me, Gordon.
439
00:18:58,037 --> 00:19:00,440
Now do the right
thing and kill me.
440
00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:04,444
Oh, Charlie,
is this true?
441
00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:08,080
Is this part of some
devious plan to win me back?
442
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:10,016
You heard her, Gordon.
443
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,418
Kill me.
444
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:14,020
Rose, you wanted him
out of your hair,
445
00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:15,255
I got him out
of your hair.
446
00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:17,056
You wanted to get rid of me?
447
00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:19,692
No. I just need some space.
448
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:20,827
You want space?
449
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:22,995
I'll give you
all the space you want.
Fine.
450
00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:24,397
In fact, I'll leave right now.
451
00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:26,299
Well, great, I'll just
stay here with Charlie.
452
00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:28,835
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
453
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:29,836
Nobody leaves.
454
00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:33,072
Nobody stays.
455
00:19:33,139 --> 00:19:35,908
Rose, get off me.
456
00:19:37,444 --> 00:19:40,513
Okay, now, everybody
listen carefully,
457
00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:44,317
'cause I'm pretty sure I'm only
gonna be able to say this once.
458
00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:46,052
Rose, think about it.
459
00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:49,522
Where are you gonna find a guy
who loves you as much as Gordon?
460
00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:53,826
And Gordon, where are you
gonna find a girl...
461
00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:55,228
period?
462
00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:58,231
The man makes
sense, Rose.
463
00:19:58,298 --> 00:20:00,467
Damn right, I make sense.
464
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,535
If you kids
don't patch things up,
465
00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:04,070
you know what's gonna happen?
466
00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:07,707
You're gonna wind up old,
miserable and alone.
467
00:20:07,774 --> 00:20:10,176
He's right, Gordon.
468
00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:11,210
Look what happened to him.
469
00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:14,381
I love you, Rose.
470
00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:16,649
I love you, too.
471
00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:21,087
Oh, good, a happy ending.
472
00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:22,589
Get the hell off my deck.
473
00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:24,524
Come on, lamb chop,
let's go home.
474
00:20:24,591 --> 00:20:25,758
Hold on.
475
00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:29,296
Climbing over the rail is
ridiculous and juvenile.
476
00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:30,530
From now on,
477
00:20:30,597 --> 00:20:32,565
I want to take
the stairs.
478
00:20:32,632 --> 00:20:35,702
Do you like having sex
with me, Gordon?
479
00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:37,370
Call me crazy.
480
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:42,875
( clapping )
481
00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:48,348
And the real winner tonight
is Charlie Harper,
482
00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:49,882
a man with a heart so big
483
00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:52,051
that he'd step outside
of his own misery
484
00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:53,386
to help two
people in need.
485
00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:54,654
Alan, I'm warning you.
486
00:20:54,721 --> 00:20:56,188
Now, I know you don't
want to hear this,
487
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:57,790
but let me tell
you something.
488
00:20:57,857 --> 00:21:01,260
The Archie Baldwins of this
world are soon forgotten.
489
00:21:01,328 --> 00:21:05,498
It's people like you, people
who are selfless and generous,
490
00:21:05,565 --> 00:21:06,866
who will live on forever.
491
00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:09,869
Last chance.
492
00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:10,837
Oh, please.
493
00:21:10,903 --> 00:21:12,839
That Grumpy Gus routine
is not...
494
00:21:12,905 --> 00:21:14,273
Good night.
34596
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