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1
00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:07,775
Morning.
2
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,210
Morning.
3
00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:27,895
What are you making?
4
00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:29,463
Breakfast.
5
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:32,666
Have you considered
orange juice and
a piece of toast?
6
00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:34,402
It's in there.
7
00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:37,505
We got any marshmallows?
8
00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:41,409
And he wonders
why he gets diarrhea.
9
00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:45,679
( blender whirring,
liquid sloshing )
10
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:48,216
Oh, man.
11
00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:52,886
You forget to put
the lid on again?
12
00:00:52,953 --> 00:00:55,556
Maybe.
13
00:00:56,224 --> 00:00:57,858
Well, clean it up.
14
00:00:57,925 --> 00:00:59,693
Okay.
15
00:01:01,529 --> 00:01:03,231
Is Jake up yet?
16
00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:05,099
He's in the kitchen.
17
00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:06,234
Has he been
looking for me?
18
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:09,237
Are you a marshmallow?
19
00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:11,272
What?
20
00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:13,006
He hasn't been
looking for you.
21
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,242
Oh, good.
22
00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:15,243
Sorry, I'm late,
23
00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:17,077
but Kandi and I
had morning sex.
24
00:01:17,145 --> 00:01:18,379
Good for you.
25
00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:20,013
Twice.
26
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,215
Congratulations.
27
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:25,219
She didn't even wake me up
for the first one.
28
00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:26,454
I almost missed it.
29
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,789
Well, I've always said
a 22-year-old girl
30
00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:33,127
is like a good carpenter:
no wood gets wasted.
31
00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:40,134
Well, I wouldn't put it
so crudely, but, yeah.
32
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:48,276
( yawning )
33
00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:49,543
Morning, buddy.
34
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,479
Morning.
35
00:01:55,183 --> 00:01:56,917
Why do you let him
use the blender?
36
00:01:56,984 --> 00:02:01,322
I'm hoping he'll eventually
stumble into a margarita.
37
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,425
Hey, here's a fun fact.
38
00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:05,559
You're sleeping with a girl
39
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:08,462
who was born when you were
in junior high.
40
00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:09,497
And yet there's a good chance
41
00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:11,765
she lost her virginity
before you did.
42
00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:18,071
And here's another fun fact.
43
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:22,142
I'll bet she's had sex
with more girls than you, too.
44
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,683
That is a fun fact.
45
00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:31,652
And you know what else?
46
00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:34,288
Here youth is-is like
an aphrodisiac.
47
00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:35,623
I feel younger.
48
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:38,826
I feel more... oh, I don't know
how to describe it.
49
00:02:38,892 --> 00:02:41,161
( laughs )
Manly.
50
00:02:41,229 --> 00:02:42,630
I know what you mean.
51
00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:45,065
And I am performing at
what can only be described
52
00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:47,134
as a very enhanced level.
53
00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:48,802
Right.
You know,
54
00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:50,070
between-the-sheets-wise.
55
00:02:50,137 --> 00:02:51,839
You don't have to tell me.
56
00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:52,906
Yes, I do.
57
00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:56,610
I have to tell everybody.
58
00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:59,247
Hey, I'm just impressed
that you can keep up with her.
59
00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:00,914
I thought by now,
she'd have worn you down
60
00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:03,751
into a few vertebrae
and pool of spinal fluid.
61
00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:06,019
You know, I exercise,
I eat right...
62
00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:07,555
( doorbell rings )
63
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:09,957
And of course, I've always had
a vast untapped reservoir
64
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:13,594
of sexual energy
bubbling under the surface.
65
00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:18,198
Truth be told, you could drill
anywhere and hit a gusher.
66
00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:20,434
Morning, brother.
67
00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:22,102
We're here to tell you
about the good news.
68
00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:24,505
Yeah, okay, but, my news first.
69
00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:27,207
See, I'm dating
a 22-year-old woman...
70
00:03:27,275 --> 00:03:30,444
incredible.
71
00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:33,046
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
72
00:03:33,113 --> 00:03:36,584
*Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
*Ooh
73
00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:39,520
*Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
*Ooh
*Ooh
74
00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:41,622
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
75
00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:44,024
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
76
00:03:44,091 --> 00:03:47,528
*Ooh
*Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
77
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:52,666
*Ah.
*Men.
*Men.
78
00:03:58,839 --> 00:04:00,974
Hey, Charlie.
Hey, Rose, what's up?
79
00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:03,877
I was just takin' a walk
on the beach with my boyfriend,
80
00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:05,313
and we thought we'd stop by.
81
00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:07,247
Come on up, lamb chop.
82
00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:10,751
( grunting ):
This is ridiculous.
83
00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:14,388
I still don't understand
why we can't use the
stairs over there.
84
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:17,591
Don't try
to change me, Gordon.
85
00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:20,361
So, how's it goin' with you two?
86
00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:22,162
It's just great.
87
00:04:22,229 --> 00:04:23,631
Gordon's my soul mate.
88
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,132
He completes me.
89
00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:26,567
We're inseparable.
90
00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:27,435
Yeah.
91
00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:30,270
Wait here. I want
to talk to Charlie alone.
92
00:04:30,338 --> 00:04:32,205
Charlie.
93
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,442
Coming.
94
00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:37,445
"Lamb chop"?
95
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:39,680
I'm hot and juicy.
96
00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:47,120
What's up?
97
00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:49,590
Don't play innocent with me.
98
00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:52,259
I can see the hurt in your eyes.
99
00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:53,694
What?
100
00:04:53,761 --> 00:04:56,330
You have to let me go, Charlie.
101
00:04:56,397 --> 00:04:58,332
Okay.
102
00:04:58,399 --> 00:05:00,634
I'm with Gordon now.
103
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:01,869
I've moved on.
104
00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:02,870
Good.
105
00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:05,639
And I know it may be hard
for you to hear this,
106
00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:09,610
but he satisfies
all my needs.
107
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:16,417
Well, he is hot and juicy.
108
00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:18,452
Oh, Charlie,
109
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:21,389
I can't bear to see you
like this.
110
00:05:21,455 --> 00:05:22,322
Like what?
111
00:05:22,390 --> 00:05:25,559
I know I shouldn't, but...
112
00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:28,095
I'm going to give you
one last chance.
113
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,263
One last chance for what?
114
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:33,667
You're going to make me
say it, aren't you?
115
00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:36,737
Say what?
116
00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:38,972
Listen closely.
117
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:41,409
Once I go, I'm gone.
118
00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:45,379
Really? I've never seen
that side of you.
119
00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:48,949
I've never had a man
like Gordon.
120
00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:56,023
I believe you.
121
00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:57,858
So?
122
00:05:57,925 --> 00:06:00,227
So, what?
123
00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:01,829
Who's that?
124
00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:05,132
That's Gordon,
my boyfriend.
125
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,568
How come he's not allowed in?
126
00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:10,237
I'm trying to avoid
an awkward situation.
127
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:11,905
Too late.
128
00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:14,341
You bringing him
to my birthday party?
129
00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:16,444
Oh, what do you think,
Charlie?
130
00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:18,446
Is the wound too fresh?
131
00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:22,282
I think
I can handle it.
132
00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:23,884
Cool.
133
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:27,888
Okay, I'm going
to go now.
134
00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:28,489
All right.
135
00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:30,524
But before I do,
136
00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:33,594
I think we need to decide
just where we stand.
137
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,135
You're kidding.
138
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:43,370
Rose has a boyfriend?
139
00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:44,505
Yep.
140
00:06:44,572 --> 00:06:47,207
A real one or like
"Toby the astronaut"?
141
00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:49,443
No, this one's real.
142
00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:50,343
What's he like?
143
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,612
Nice guy.
144
00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:55,415
Has no idea how close he is
to the wood chipper.
145
00:06:55,483 --> 00:06:57,485
KANDI:
Hello?
146
00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:59,052
Alan, you home?
147
00:06:59,119 --> 00:06:59,953
Kandi?
148
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:01,288
What are you doing here?
149
00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:04,558
KANDI:
I thought I'd surprise you
with a booty call.
150
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:05,559
ALAN:
Shh!
151
00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:06,794
Lower your voice.
152
00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:09,429
KANDI ( deep voice ):
Booty call.
153
00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:11,632
What's a booty call?
154
00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:15,703
Well, it's...
155
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,905
You know, this is more
the kind of thing
156
00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:20,774
a-a son should learn
from his father.
157
00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:22,576
Oh, okay.
158
00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:25,813
Maybe you should ask him now.
159
00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:27,981
All right.
160
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:30,851
I'm going to hell.
161
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,254
Look, it's a really
sweet gesture,
162
00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:35,823
but this is not a great time.
163
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:37,691
Hey, Dad, what's a booty call?
164
00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:39,292
Oh, oh, hey, Jake.
165
00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:40,160
You, uh,
166
00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:41,529
you remember Kandi.
167
00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:42,996
Sure. Hi, Kandi.
Hi.
168
00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:44,898
So, what's a booty call?
169
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:51,371
I figured you didn't want me
telling him.
170
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:53,473
Was I wrong?
171
00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:58,812
Uh, uh...
172
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:02,883
uh, well, uh, Jake,
it-it means, uh, that...
173
00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:06,186
uh, that Kandi
came by to-to, uh,
174
00:08:06,253 --> 00:08:08,922
to do her laundry.
175
00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:13,827
I don't see
any laundry.
176
00:08:15,362 --> 00:08:19,099
Good-good point, Charlie.
177
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:23,170
Always the eye for detail.
178
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:30,544
Uh... well, uh,
you see, Jake, um...
179
00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:33,981
in the Old West...
180
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:37,585
uh, uh, cowboys could be
out on the dusty range
181
00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:40,287
uh, uh, for months at a time,
182
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,756
and, uh, they'd get
mighty dirty.
183
00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:46,960
Um, so, they'd, uh,
they'd, uh, mosey into town,
184
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,630
uh, with nothing
but the clothes on their backs,
185
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:52,365
and they'd need
to-to wash 'em.
186
00:08:52,432 --> 00:08:54,101
So what they'd do is,
187
00:08:54,167 --> 00:09:00,240
uh, they-they would go down
to the-the... crick,
188
00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:02,142
uh, and strip down
189
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:05,813
until they were wearing
nothing but their boots.
190
00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:10,918
Why'd they keep
their boots on?
191
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:19,059
Rattlesnakes.
192
00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:24,564
Uh, anyway, um, in order
to warn people who were swimming
193
00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:28,568
that, you know,
the naked cowboy on his way,
194
00:09:28,636 --> 00:09:30,604
he would yell or, uh,
195
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:33,540
or, if you will,
call, um...
196
00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:35,943
"Booty."
197
00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:40,113
"Booty."
198
00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:43,751
Ergo, the booty call.
199
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:47,821
Wow, Alan, you really
make history fun.
200
00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:50,457
Well, thank you.
201
00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:54,327
So when did it start
meaning casual sex?
202
00:09:57,798 --> 00:10:01,635
Um, why don't you go play
a video game or something?
203
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:03,470
Okay.
Great.
204
00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:06,707
Hey, Kandi, you wanna come
to my birthday party tomorrow?
205
00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:08,208
Sure. How old
are you going to be?
206
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:11,044
Twelve.
( gasps ):
Happy bar mitzvah.
207
00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:15,515
Well, this works
out well.
208
00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:19,086
When you're not boinkin' her,
she's got someone to play with.
209
00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:21,822
Charlie, weren't you listening?
210
00:10:21,889 --> 00:10:24,725
Jake just invited Kandi
to his birthday party.
211
00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:25,959
Oh, don't worry.
212
00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:27,627
You've still got
the inside track.
213
00:10:27,695 --> 00:10:29,830
No!
214
00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:32,065
I can't let her come
to the party.
215
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:33,033
Why not?
216
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:33,934
"Why not?"!
217
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:36,503
My ex-wife is going
to be there,
218
00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:37,805
all her miserable,
middle-aged
219
00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:39,707
soccer mom friends
are gonna be there.
220
00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:42,009
They're going to take
one look at Kandi's
221
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:43,076
tight, young,
little body,
222
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:44,712
and they're going to hate me.
223
00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:48,215
They're going to hate me
with a white-hot hatred
224
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:51,985
of burning... hate.
225
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:55,355
Yeah, sure, it'll be
a little tense at first,
226
00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:58,759
but you can lighten the mood
with your booty story.
227
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,229
That's powerful funny, pardner.
228
00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:04,765
( feigns laughter )
Shut up.
229
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,236
Alan.
230
00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:10,971
There comes a time
in every man's life
231
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:12,439
when he has to make a choice:
232
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:15,142
does he want to be loved
or does he want to get laid?
233
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:18,145
14 years ago,
you made the wrong choice.
234
00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:21,381
You got married.
235
00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:23,416
And you wound up with neither.
236
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:28,288
But now, now fate has given you
another chance.
237
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:29,289
Welcome it.
238
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:30,623
Embrace it.
239
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,761
Grab its pert little ass.
240
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,028
What am I supposed to do?
241
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:36,830
Walk into my son's birthday
and say,
242
00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:39,366
"Hey, everybody, look at
this gorgeous 22 year-old woman
243
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:40,433
I'm having sex with"?
244
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,202
Oh, don't be silly.
245
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:44,071
You don't want to rub
their faces in it,
246
00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:46,740
you just want them to know
where yours has been.
247
00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:52,412
Oh, yeah, one more thing.
248
00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:53,413
Yeah?
249
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:57,084
Booty! Booty!
250
00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:07,460
( whispering ):
Uncle Charlie?
251
00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:14,567
Uncle Charlie,
you awake?
252
00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:15,903
Go away.
253
00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:17,537
Don't you want to be
the first one
254
00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:19,406
to wish me
a happy birthday?
255
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:20,640
Jake, I swear to God...
256
00:12:20,707 --> 00:12:22,642
Wait, not yet.
257
00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:26,646
Five, four, three,
two, one.
258
00:12:26,713 --> 00:12:27,614
Okay, now.
259
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,517
Get out.
260
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:33,921
You can give me
your present now
if you want to.
261
00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:35,789
If you leave immediately,
262
00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:37,825
I'll give you
the gift of life.
263
00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:40,327
All right.
264
00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:42,695
Hey, how come Dad's
not in his room?
265
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,731
He's out with Kandi.
266
00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:45,765
When's he coming home?
267
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:47,300
Not for a while.
268
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,937
Why doesn't he just
have sex with her here?
269
00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:54,041
What makes you think
he's having sex with her?
270
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:57,310
I don't know, common sense?
271
00:12:58,946 --> 00:13:00,613
Look, the thing is,
272
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:03,817
he's embarrassed about having
that kind of a relationship
273
00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:06,053
with somebody
so much younger than him.
274
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:07,087
Why?
275
00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:08,956
I don't know,
maybe he thinks
276
00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:10,590
he's setting
a bad example for you.
277
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:14,761
What am I going to do?
Start dating a six year-old?
278
00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:16,796
Go back to sleep.
279
00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:18,265
I can't, I'm too excited.
280
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:20,934
Well, do you mind
if I go back to sleep?
281
00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:23,070
Okay. I'll find something to do.
282
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:24,972
Great.
283
00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:26,239
Maybe I'll try
to make a pizza.
284
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:27,440
Good for you.
285
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:31,311
Oh, crap.
286
00:13:48,461 --> 00:13:49,997
WOMAN:
Pierre?
287
00:13:50,063 --> 00:13:51,464
Have you seen Pierre?
288
00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:54,234
Is Pierre a cat?
289
00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:55,268
Yeah.
290
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,336
Bathroom.
291
00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:57,437
Thanks.
292
00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:58,438
Excuse me.
293
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:02,609
Hey.
294
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:03,743
Hey.
295
00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:05,178
Oh, God!
296
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,420
Just a little quicker.
297
00:14:17,757 --> 00:14:20,894
( TV cartoons playing )
298
00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:35,575
Hey, I'm watching that!
299
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:37,344
Yeah, right.
300
00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:39,379
Happy birthday, you big dope.
301
00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:42,315
Why am I a big dope?
302
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,084
When did you finally
fall asleep?
303
00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:47,587
How could I possibly
know that?
304
00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:50,357
And now you got a party
starting in a couple hours
305
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:51,591
and you feel
like hell, right?
306
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:52,859
Yeah.
307
00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:55,895
Happy birthday, you big dope.
308
00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:58,765
Hey, am I old enough
to have coffee now?
309
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:01,401
You still think
armpit farts are funny?
310
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:03,736
Yeah.
311
00:15:03,803 --> 00:15:05,538
Then, no.
312
00:15:05,605 --> 00:15:08,108
Come on, I could really
use a pick-me-up.
313
00:15:08,175 --> 00:15:10,043
Okay, how do you want it?
314
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,545
I don't know, in a cup?
315
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,086
Good choice.
316
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:29,129
Feel better?
317
00:15:29,196 --> 00:15:31,464
Yeah, I think it's working.
318
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,837
You know, Kandi, you don't
have to feel obligated
319
00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:39,372
to go to this party.
320
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,074
It's just going to be
a lot of kids
321
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:42,375
playing silly games.
322
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,144
Are there going to be
balloon animals?
323
00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:46,846
'Cause I love those!
324
00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:48,315
Uh... no, uh...
325
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:49,749
Jake's a little old
for that.
326
00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:50,683
Balloon animals are
327
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:54,988
a very underappreciated
art form, Alan.
328
00:15:56,656 --> 00:15:59,759
Just give me a minute
to get ready.
329
00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:01,128
Okay.
330
00:16:01,194 --> 00:16:02,629
You know...
331
00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:06,299
it's probably going to be
a very, very dull party.
332
00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:10,003
I wouldn't be going myself
if I weren't related to the kid.
333
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:12,439
And without balloon animals,
334
00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:15,975
you got to ask yourself,
is it really worth the trip?
335
00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:17,844
How do I look?
336
00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:19,679
( gagging )
337
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,417
I-I'm sorry, I think
I swallowed my tongue.
338
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,785
Thank you.
339
00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:29,889
It's amazing-- my ex-wife
would take hours getting ready,
340
00:16:29,956 --> 00:16:33,360
and the end result
wouldn't be nearly so...
341
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:34,594
this.
342
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:39,266
Well, maybe I can give her
a few tips at the party.
343
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,803
Oh, gee.
344
00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:45,872
She doesn't respond well
to tips.
345
00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:47,074
Okay.
346
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:49,042
Anything else?
347
00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:50,443
Well...
348
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,579
even before I say it,
I know it sounds insane,
349
00:16:52,645 --> 00:16:56,616
but do you think you could
put on a few more clothes?
350
00:16:57,750 --> 00:16:59,018
Don't I look okay?
351
00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:01,921
Oh, yeah, yeah,
you look terrific.
352
00:17:01,988 --> 00:17:03,090
It's just...
353
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:05,558
I wouldn't want people
to get the wrong idea.
354
00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:06,626
About?
355
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,761
About...
356
00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:13,200
Maybe if you could put on
a jacket and a hat.
357
00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:16,669
Do you have a poncho?
358
00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:18,305
Are you ashamed of me?
359
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,639
No. No, I'm proud of you.
360
00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:22,242
In fact, I'm so proud that
yesterday I almost signed up
361
00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:23,943
to be a Christian missionary
in the Sudan.
362
00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:27,247
But you don't want your family
and friends to see me.
363
00:17:27,314 --> 00:17:29,149
Oh, good, you understand.
364
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:32,452
You know, Alan, my friends
are judgmental, too.
365
00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:33,186
About what?
366
00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:34,287
About you.
367
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:36,423
None of them get
why I'm with you.
368
00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:40,193
Well, uh...
369
00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:41,961
at the risk
of shining a light
370
00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:46,766
on something
better left unexamined...
371
00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:47,567
why are you with me?
372
00:17:47,634 --> 00:17:49,836
Because you're
cute and smart
373
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:51,804
and really,
really grateful.
374
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,142
All true.
375
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:57,310
And if my friends
can't understand that,
376
00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:59,646
well then,
tough tomatoes.
377
00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:02,815
Kandi, you're
a remarkable girl.
378
00:18:02,882 --> 00:18:04,784
Thank you.
379
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:08,388
Unfortunately, so am I.
380
00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:12,359
Oh, come on,
it'll be fun.
381
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,461
Want to have a quickie
in the car?
382
00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:15,795
( sighs )
383
00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:16,796
Well, all right.
384
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:20,667
But this time let's
pull over first.
385
00:18:20,733 --> 00:18:22,101
Boring!
386
00:18:24,137 --> 00:18:25,438
So where's Alan?
387
00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:27,207
He's supposed to be
pitching in at this party.
388
00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:28,575
I don't know,
but I'm guessing
389
00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:31,278
that wherever he is...
he's pitching.
390
00:18:32,579 --> 00:18:34,447
So I suppose Charlie
hasn't told you
391
00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:36,783
that I have a new man
in my life.
392
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,885
Oh, good for you, dear.
393
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,153
Does the man know yet?
394
00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:43,223
Get your own, Red!
395
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:49,929
Nice outfit.
396
00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:51,030
Thanks.
397
00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:52,765
Rose picked it out for me.
398
00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:55,202
How about that.
399
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,609
Do you know, uh...
400
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,177
sometimes when
we're having sex,
401
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:05,111
she calls out your name.
402
00:19:05,178 --> 00:19:07,214
No kidding.
403
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:08,315
What about
the other times?
404
00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:10,817
She makes me call it out.
405
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:17,023
Boy... that really wasn't
a quickie, was it?
406
00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:18,991
The first one was.
407
00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:22,295
Anyway, so just
to reiterate,
408
00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:24,197
today is Jake's day,
it's not about us.
409
00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:25,265
I know.
410
00:19:25,332 --> 00:19:27,367
So maybe
you can just relax,
411
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:28,335
and don't
feel obligated
412
00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:30,637
to, you know,
socialize or...
413
00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:31,304
talk to anybody.
414
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:32,472
Don't worry, Alan,
415
00:19:32,539 --> 00:19:33,740
I'm not going to
embarrass you.
416
00:19:33,806 --> 00:19:35,608
Right, right,
I know you won't.
417
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:38,811
So, to summarize
what I reiterated,
418
00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:40,380
we're just going
to play it cool, low key,
419
00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:41,481
nothing to be gained
420
00:19:41,548 --> 00:19:42,915
by drawing attention
to ourselves.
421
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:44,317
I got it.
422
00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,854
Don't ring the doorbell!
423
00:19:58,164 --> 00:20:02,134
Sorry we're late,
but...
424
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,202
I was having sex
425
00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:05,838
with this gorgeous
22-year-old woman!
426
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:08,375
Wait, wait, wait.
427
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:10,577
Okay.
428
00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:12,545
Come in and say that again.
429
00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:17,650
Jake, you in here?
430
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,719
It's time to do
the birthday cake.
431
00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:20,987
JAKE:
Go away.
432
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:22,088
Did you find him?
433
00:20:22,154 --> 00:20:23,890
Yeah, he's
in the bathroom.
434
00:20:23,956 --> 00:20:24,757
Is he okay?
435
00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:25,925
I don't know.
436
00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:27,560
Jake, are you okay?
437
00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:28,861
JAKE:
I'm fine,
go away!
438
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:30,263
He's probably humiliated
439
00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:33,065
because his father's dating
a Campfire Girl.
440
00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:33,900
Give it a rest, Judith.
441
00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:35,167
What's going on?
442
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,603
Jake won't come
out of the bathroom.
443
00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:38,505
Jake, come on out, honey.
444
00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:39,238
I can't.
445
00:20:39,306 --> 00:20:39,972
Why not?
446
00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:41,374
JAKE:
I just can't.
447
00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:43,743
I was wondering where
everyone snuck off to.
448
00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:44,811
Whatever you're
saying about me,
449
00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:46,879
you can say
right to my face.
450
00:20:46,946 --> 00:20:47,980
This isn't about you, Mom.
451
00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:49,115
( scoffs )
452
00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:50,750
I wish I could
believe that.
453
00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:51,684
What's the holdup?
454
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,453
He won't come out
of the bathroom.
455
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:55,922
Is he sick?
Who won't come
out of the bathroom?
456
00:20:55,988 --> 00:20:57,056
Your grandson.
457
00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:59,392
Why? Is he mad at me?
458
00:20:59,459 --> 00:21:01,294
Jake, honey, what have
you had to eat today?
459
00:21:01,361 --> 00:21:03,195
JAKE:
Just a little coffee
and some vitamins.
460
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:05,064
Coffee?
You let him have coffee?
461
00:21:05,131 --> 00:21:07,066
No! You let him
have coffee?
462
00:21:07,133 --> 00:21:08,234
He had a sip.
463
00:21:08,301 --> 00:21:09,336
Well, wait a second.
464
00:21:09,402 --> 00:21:10,837
Why did he take vitamins?
465
00:21:10,903 --> 00:21:11,871
JAKE:
I was tired.
466
00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:15,007
Okay, but where did you
find vitamins to take?
467
00:21:15,074 --> 00:21:16,809
In your
medicine cabinet.
468
00:21:16,876 --> 00:21:18,978
I don't have any vitamins
in my medicine cabinet.
469
00:21:19,045 --> 00:21:20,179
Yeah, you do.
470
00:21:20,246 --> 00:21:22,515
The little blue ones
with a "V" on them.
471
00:21:24,317 --> 00:21:26,085
Ooh...
472
00:21:26,152 --> 00:21:27,820
What's going on?
I don't understand.
473
00:21:27,887 --> 00:21:30,957
The kid's going to need
another party hat.
31429
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