All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S03E15 - My Tongue is Meat (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

Hey, you know what
I've been thinking about?

What?

The death penalty.

Really?

That's a very complex issue.

So what are your thoughts?

Well, if you're going to the
chair, they got to give you

whatever you want
for your last meal, right?

I guess.

I'm gonna order cereal.

Why?

'Cause if you keep adding milk,
you can make it last forever.

And they just got to wait.

Okay.

Let's go back a bit.

Why would you be going
to the chair in the first place?

I don't know.

My DNA shows up
at a murder scene.

Because it's planted
by a crooked cop

or maybe one of my teachers.

So you'd be wrongly accused.

Story of my life, Dad.

Remember that water pistol
incident at school?

But that was your water pistol.

Yes, but it wasn't my pee.

Morning.

Oh, hey, how was your run?

Great. We made it all the
way to the pier and back.

Didn't we, honey?

( panting )

Yeah.

Pier... back.

Hey, Jake, you ever seen anybody
cough up blood?

No.

Then pay attention.

Ass.

Ass?

Kiss...

my...

sweaty...

I think I'll jump in the shower.

Do you want to join me?

Can't.

Later... maybe.

All right.

Well, you drink
your health shake, all right?

You'll feel better.

Doubt it.

What's in that?

I don't know.

Vitamins, minerals,
protein...

Whatever it is, it's flushing
out stuff I ate in high school.

Hey, do you think they let you
have a last poop

after your last meal?

What?

'Cause as long as you're
sitting on the can,

technically,
you're still pooping.

And they got to wait.

Go get dressed.

If they made you hold one in,

that'd be cruel
and unusual punishment.

You know, I am impressed
with what you're doing here--

exercising, eating right, laying
off the cigars and the booze...

I mean, Mia has really done
wonders with you.

Yeah, she's an incredible woman.

She is.

And I'm a lucky guy.
You are.

So why is there
this little voice

in my head that
keeps whispering,

"Kill yourself! Do it now!"?

Don't worry about that.

It's very common.

Really?
Oh, yeah.

Every man who gets
into a long-term,

committed relationship
hears that voice.

Mine sounded a little
like Alec Baldwin.

I don't know why.
Maybe it's 'cause

I enjoyed him so much in that
submarine movie.

What was that called?

Would you get
to the point?

Well, you have to remember
that over time

that voice will fade,
when you realize

that what you're giving up

is nothing compared to
what you're gaining.

What exactly am I gaining?

Are you kidding?

You're gaining a soul mate,

someone to walk down
life's path with you,

someone who'll always be there
sharing your hopes,

your joys and your sorrows.

You got nothing.

It's what the minister said
at my wedding.

Hunt for Red October!

* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men *

* Ah
* Men

CHARLIE:
Back in a while, honey.

I'm going for a power walk.

MIA:
Pace yourself.

CHARLIE:
Don't worry.

( sighs )

This is a good pace.

( door opens )

Hey.

Whatcha doing?

Nothing.

Close the damn door.

You told Mia you
weren't gonna smoke
or drink anymore.

Yeah, well, you told your father

you weren't gonna watch
dirty movies on cable anymore.

Don't change the subject.

Mia's gonna be
really pissed at you.

Only if she finds out.

And she doesn't
have to find out.

Well, I guess that depends.

What, are you blackmailing me?

No. I'm just saying if you don't
give me 20 bucks,

I'm gonna tell on you.

That's blackmail.

Oh.

Well, then, yeah.

( doorbell rings )

Hi, Mom, how are you?

Deeply hurt.

Is this about me or Charlie?

Charlie.
Great. Come on in.

Can you explain to me

how your brother can be
in a serious relationship,

and not only have I
not met the woman,

he hasn't even bothered
to tell me her name?

Do you really need
an explanation for that?

Do you want it to be about you?

Her name's Mia.
She's in the kitchen.

Thank you.

Thank God
I didn't know Anne Frank.

EVELYN:
Hello.

Hello.

( spaghetti Western music
plays )

I'm Evelyn, Charlie's mother.

I'm Mia, Charlie's girlfriend.

So we finally meet.

So we do.

One question.

I'm listening.

Can you fix him?

I'm trying.

...15, 16, 17...

18...
Jake.

How about a hug
for your grandmommy?

No, thank you.

( frustrated sigh )

One, two...

( horn honks )

What the hell are you doing?!

Hey, keep it down,
keep it down.

Mia thinks
I'm taking a power walk.

This is a sad, sad day.

I always figured
you'd be the last guy

in the world
to end up whipped.

I'm not whipped.

I'm... considerate.

Considerate?

Yeah. See, I love Mia and
I want her to be happy.

And I happen to know
she's not happy

when I smoke cigars
and drink and gamble

and stay out all night
and eat meat and sugar

and grease and fat and...
nap and swear

and wear shorts
and bowling shirts...

Oh, Charlie,
you're not just whipped,

you're roped,
saddled and gelded.

They could use you to give rides
at kids' birthday parties.

I am not whipped.

Yeah.

Here, you might as well
take one of these sacks
since yours is empty.

Hang on a second.

That ain't gonna do it, Alice.

What?

You smell like a beer bottle
that just fell out
of Joe Camel's ass.

Well, what am I
supposed to do?

Hang on,

let's see if I got
anything in here that
might mask your stench.

Oven cleaner? No.

Tidy Bowl? No.

How do you feel about
taking a whore's bath with
a hunk of bleu cheese?

I'm so proud of him--
he hasn't had a drop
of alcohol in weeks.

Well, that's one way to go.

But I've found
that men who drink

tend to talk less
and sleep more.

Which, frankly, becomes
increasingly desirable
as the years go by.

Oh, this can't be good.

Hello, darling.

Wonderful to see you.

Hi, Mom.

Have you been dusting?

No, why?

You reek of Lemon Pledge.

You're welcome.

* Men...

I'll be downstairs.

MIA:
No snacking, Charlie.

We're going to
the best vegetarian
restaurant in town.

Oh, boy!

( imitates bird whistling )

( bird-like cooing )

Oh, thank God, meat!

I love you, Rose.

I love you, too, Charlie.

And may I say, I would
never try to change you
the way she has.

Her name's Mia.

I know what her name is.

I also know where she lives,
her employment history,

and if you want,

I can get you photographs
of a wet T-shirt contest

she entered during
spring break, 1995,

at a college bar
called Señor Frogs.

I forgot who I'm dealing with.

I also know you have
to hide from her

just to smoke a cigar
and slam back a warm beer.

What'd you do, bug my garage?

Don't be paranoid.

I have a long-standing
arrangement with Jake.

JAKE ( calling ):
Charlie, I'm ready.

I'm out here!

Go, go, go, go, go.

Okay, I'll go.

But I want you to
remember one thing.
What?

I'm not gonna wait
for you forever.

How do I look?

( wolf whistle )

( Rose imitates bird cooing )

How's your couscous?

Yummy.

You know, I had quite
an interesting chat
with your mom today.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

I know she comes on
a little strong,

but her heart's
in the right place.

If by the right place
you mean in a cooler

on its way to a dying man
in Tennessee, then we agree.

You can't possibly
mean that.

I suppose not.

She's too selfish
to donate an organ.

Even one she doesn't use.

That's so unfair, Charlie.

You mother loves you.

Really? Did she
or did she not say

I was a bitter
disappointment?

Well, she did, but...

And did she

or did she not say

that I'm a lazy-ass
schlock jingle writer

who wasted 13 years
of piano lessons

that she paid for
by marrying a series of men

with large wallets
and small penises?

Yes, that was mentioned.

But it's only natural
for someone who loves you

to want to see you live up
to your potential.

I mean, do you really
want to be known

as the guy who writes songs
about adult diapers?

Hey, it's better
than being known

as the guy
who wears them.

Charlie, we both know
you can do so much more

with your life.

Maybe, but you got
to admire my restraint.

Well, come on, look how
much you've accomplished

just since we've
been together.

You're exercising regularly,

you've cut way down
on the drinking and
you're eating right.

Did you ever think you'd
be able to change your
life the way you have?

Never.

It just goes to show

you can do anything
you put your mind to.

I smell meat.

Excuse me?

Your breath.
It stinks of meat.

Well, it-it-it could be
my tongue.

My tongue is meat.

No, you've been
eating meat.

I can smell it.

Maybe it's this breast
of tofurkey you smell.

No, I smell beef.

Where would I get beef?

You tell me.

Well, maybe
it's secondhand beef.

What?

You know,
like secondhand smoke.

Some thoughtless guy
is sitting next to you
eating a steak, and...

Ah, screw it.

I paid a slightly
disturbed woman

to toss a bag
of bacon cheeseburgers

onto the deck while you were
getting dressed.

Oh, Charlie.

Don't "Oh, Charlie" me.

I was starving.

And I'll tell you
another thing.

My power walk was
two quick beers

and a half a Cuban
cigar while cowering
in my own garage.

That's why you smelled
like Lemon Pledge.

Well, it certainly wasn't
to bring out

the natural luster
of my forehead.

So you've been
lying to me?

If by lying you mean
telling you

I wasn't going
to do a bunch of things

and then doing them anyway
and lying about it,

then yes,
I've been lying to you.

Well, I suppose
I can forgive you,

if you promise
it'll never happen again.

Oh, it'll never happen again.
You know why?

Because I am done
with this whole charade.

I'm tired of you
trying to make me over

into something I'm not.

I'm a grown man,
not a work in progress.

Charlie, people are staring.

Let 'em stare!

You guys know what I mean.

Why can't women look at
a guy for who he is

instead of who they can
turn him into?

Please, you're
embarrassing me.

Well, good, maybe now
you know how I feel--

sitting in a
restaurant eating

medallions of bean curd
with lawnmower sauce.

Am I right?

No man should have to eat
anything

with the word "curd" in it.

You're turning into
a real ass here.

Well, then I'm finally
living up to my potential.

I'm a big ol' bourbon-soaked,
cigar-huffing ass,

as God in His infinite wisdom
meant me to be.

As He meant all men to be.

You guys are disappointing God.

Okay, what if a
cannibal's on death row?

I guess for being
a cannibal.

And he orders Chinese for his
last meal.

Does he get to eat
a Chinese guy?

No.

What if they just electrocuted
a Chinese guy

and the cannibal was next?

No.

He'd already be cooked.

Stop it!

Hey.

Oh, hey.
Where have you been?

I had a date with Mia.

That was two nights ago.

Yeah, well, I stopped off
in Vegas on the way home.

Why?

Because that's where you go

after you destroy
a relationship.

Oh, now I understand why
Mia's been calling.

She sounded pretty upset.

I didn't tell her anything.

But you'd tell Rose,
wouldn't you?

Hey, you just paid me once.

Rose has me on something
called a retainer.

So what happened with Mia?

No big deal.

I just got tired of trying to be
something I'm not.

A decent, healthy human being?

Pretty much.

He's back.

You're damn right, I'm back.

Mia and I are through.

You schmuck.

She was the best thing
that ever happened to you.

But you said I was whipped.

I didn't mean dump her.
I meant grow a pair.

What is "whipped."

It's when a man lets a woman

take over his life
and tell him what to do.

Oh, so like you
and Mom.

( phone rings )

No.

Oh, hi, Mother.

Uh, no, no, Mia's
not here.

He, uh, broke up
with her.

Yeah, schmuck seems to be
the general consensus.

What's a schmuck?

Any guy who's not whipped.

She wants to talk to you.
Well, I don't want
to talk to her.

Nice catch, schmuck.

Hey, Mom.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, why am I
the bad guy here?

Well, did you ever stop
to consider

that maybe this wasn't my fault?

I got to go, Mom.
My meat connection's here.

I just think if the
guy's got a front door,
we should use it.

This is fine.

Hi, Charlie.

Hello, Rose.

What's going on?

Well, I just wanted
to introduce you to Gordon,

my new boyfriend.

Oh, no kidding?

Hiya, Gordon.

Hello.

Gordon and I are in
a committed relationship.

Right, Gordon?
Um, yeah, I guess.

Look, see? There's stairs
right over there. Just...

Anyway,

I was thinking

that perhaps you
and Mia would like

to join us
for dinner one night.

You know, double date.

Oh, well, that's nice, Rose,
but I broke up with Mia.

Oh, I see.

Well, then,
good-bye Gordon.

* Men.

( TV playing )

I think I made
a big mistake.

I know the feeling.

I once ate
an egg salad sandwich

I left in my desk
over the weekend.

Huge mistake.

My relationship with Mia
was the best thing

that ever happened to me,
and I threw it away.

That's what I should have done
with the sandwich.

I wonder if it's too late
to fix things.

Call her
and find out.

Yeah, but if I do,
I'll be right back
where I started,

trying to be somebody
I'm not.

Okay, then find
another girlfriend.

I don't want
another girlfriend.

I want Mia.

Then call her.

I can't.

I can't live with her,
I can't live without her.

If your plane crashed
in the Andes

and she died,
could you eat her?

* Men.

Mia, it's Charlie.

Look, you win.

I'll change. No more meat.
I promise.

Come on, Mia, come out
and smell me.

Mia's not here.

Do I have to smell you?

Who are you?

Ginger. So, you're Charlie.

Yeah. Where's Mia?

Hang on a minute.

She told me to give you this
if you stopped by.

She took a job in New York.
Why'd she do that?

Just read the note.

"I love you too much

"to try to make you into
something you're not,

and I love me too much
to settle for who you are."

That's the part
that always makes me cry.

I can change her mind.

I'll fly to New York
tonight.

Do you have her address?

Come on in.

Can I get you
something to drink?

No, thanks.

Yeah, hi. American Airlines
reservations, please.

You sure?
I got all my boys here.

Jack, Johnny and Jose.

Maybe a poquito Jose.

Hey, are these actual
baby back ribs?

Yeah, help yourself.

Thanks.

Yeah, I need to make
a reservation

for the red-eye
to New York tonight.

Hey, do you mind
if I turn on the TV?

I got some money
on the Lakers.

You bet sports?

I'll bet anything.

I had 200 bucks
on my sister's pregnancy test.

How exactly do you know Mia?

Oh, we used to do the ballet
thing together,

but I didn't have
the discipline.

No kidding?

I still dance,
but just for tips.

Huh.

I'll call you back.

( TV playing )

You know, I'm thinking
she probably needs her space.

Probably.

Mind if I hang out
and watch the game?

Be my guest.

If you got cash,

I could give you
a lap dance at halftime.

That'd be swell.