Original subtitles

Hello?

I'm sorry.

Rusty can't come to the phone.

I just killed him.

What'd you say that for, you greasy kid?

You made it we'll be up to our ears in policemen.

Well, I did kill you.

Now I gotta scalp you.

Hey, take him upstairs and scalp him, huh?

I need the room.

I'm gonna be busy for a while, all right?

Now, cut it out, will you, kid?

You can't talk.

We just shot you.

You're dead.

I'm too busy to die now.

Get out of here.

I've got company coming.

Kids.

Did I hear you say you had company coming?

Yes.

We got Liz is coming up.

Liz is company?

No.

But she's bringing a girl with her.

We're doing a number that requires a girl dancer,

and Liz thinks she's found somebody for me.

Oh.

Since when are you using a girl in your act?

Hey.

You got nothing to worry about.

Oh, honey.

I'm not worrying.

I just thought you always worked alone.

I do, sweetheart.

It's just for this one number, that's all.

Oh.

Hey, Clancy, I repeat you've got nothing to worry about.

It's just-- it's only for this two

week engagement in Pittsburgh, and that's all, honey.

Well, what's she like?

I haven't even seen her, dear.

But I assure you, we're hiring her for her talent,

not her looks.

That must be Liz now.

I guarantee you, honey.

If Liz picked her, this girl has got to be long on brains

and short on beauty.

Hi.

Wait'll you see the girl I got for you.

She'll be up in a minute.

She's beautiful.

You-- you mean a regular quiz kid.

Oh, not this one.

She's a dream girl.

There's a danger nobody will want to look at Danny.

Including Danny.

She's pretty?

Oh, she's a knockout.

Well-- well, honey.

Yeah.

Look, there's a couple of things

I've got to iron out with Liz. You--

Oh, say no more, darling.

I know when I'm not wanted.

Yell when you're ready for some coffee.

Yeah.

What was that maneuver?

What's wrong?

You mean you don't know what's wrong?

No.

You say the girl is beautiful.

So?

So that's what's wrong.

Well, if that's all that's bothering you,

we'll push her down and step on her face.

Next problem?

Why don't you stop clowning?

What are you talking about, Danny?

I'm talking about the fact that your mother

raised a slap-happy daughter.

What are you trying to do, make trouble for me?

Look, Liz, I asked you to get me a plain, everyday, common,

ordinary utility girl dancer.

And what do you do?

You come up with a beauty.

Well, did you want me to come up with a monster?

Well, let's say a semi-monster.

Why?

Liz, I'm a married man.

I've got a wife.

Put yourself in her place.

Won't the neighbors talk?

Let's stop with the jokes, huh?

Now, let's say you're married.

Yeah, let's say that.

All right!

Now, your husband goes traveling.

Already?

We just got married.

Cut it out.

Now you're married.

You love your husband.

He loves you. you got a wonderful family life.

You don't want anything to spoil it.

Now, your husband has to travel in his business,

and he's on the road for two weeks with a beautiful girl.

Would you trust him, or would you be jealous?

Liz, are you with me?

Wait a minute.

I haven't gotten over getting married yet.

Will you answer me?

Would you trust him, or would you be jealous?

My husband has to travel with a beautiful girl, huh?

Yeah.

I'd trust him.

You would?

Yeah.

Every second I was packing to go with him, I'd trust him.

Well, you admit you'd be jealous,

and so you say I've got no problem?

Now, wait a minute.

You asked me how I'd feel.

Kathy's different.

Kathy's different?

She's a woman, isn't she?

Well, if she isn't, they've come

up with a heck of a substitute.

Exactly.

So if she's a woman, I expect her to behave like one.

So I'm not going to go out of my way looking for trouble.

-Oh, that must be the girl.

I'll get it.

I'll get rid of her right away.

Now, wait a minute, Danny. You can't hurt her feelings.

I'm not going to hurt her feelings.

I'll treat her so nice, she'll never

know she's getting the brush.

I think you're acting pretty stupid about the whole--

Oh, come in, come in.

How do you do?

I-- I-- I--

I'm Danny Williams.

Oh, I've been dying to meet you.

I'm Dawn DuBois.

Oh, hello, Miss O'Neill.

Am I late?

No, honey.

I just got here myself.

Uh, Miss DuBois, Liz wanted you to come up for me to have

a look at you, and-- and I have looked at you,

and you're very lovely.

But there may be a change in--

Change?

Well--

Well, just in case there isn't any change,

why don't you introduce her to Kathy?

Boy, some people are just hard to convince.

Kathy?

KATHY: Yes?

Would you come out a minute, dear?

I want you to meet my wife.

That's a novelty.

Well, darling, this is the young lady

we were talking about.

Miss DuBois, Mrs. Williams.

How do you do?

Well, if she dances just half as good as she looks,

why, my husband is very lucky.

You really think so, Kathy?

Oh, of course I do.

Honey, she's just great.

Let me give you a tip.

You'll find my husband very easy to get along with if you'll

just laugh at his jokes.

Honey, if you'll all excuse me, I

have a temperamental chicken in the oven

that insists on being basted.

Nice meeting you, Miss DuBois.

Nice meeting you, Mrs. Williams.

And if my husband doesn't hire you,

he should have his head examined.

See you later, Liz.

Bye, Kathy.

Well?

Uh, Miss DuBois, there's no sense keeping you any longer.

Why, thanks for coming up, and as soon as we've

ironed out a few problems, why, Liz will get in touch with you.

All right, thank you.

Not at all.

Thanks again for coming.

Goodbye.

Poor Kathy.

Did you see how jealous she was?

Jealous?

Why, she never batted an eye.

She was putting on an act, Liz.

She loves me.

She's being loyal.

She knows I need the girl for the number.

She doesn't want to cause trouble.

Oh, that poor kid.

Laughing on the outside, and crying on the inside.

How does the rest of that song go?

What's so funny? What's the matter?

Don't you think I'm worth being jealous of?

Oh, no.

But I think Kathy's an intelligent woman.

She knows you've outgrown the playboy stage.

Well, that's a very nice way to put it.

Why don't you come on out and say

that I'm too old and unattractive for her

to worry about?

Go on, go ahead, say it.

I believe people should be honest, even

if it costs them their jobs.

I'm not gonna say another word.

You're writing this farce, and if your second act

is as funny as your first, I think you've got a hit.

I'm not complaining about it.

Don't misunderstand me.

I mean, it's a perfectly natural thing for a wife to be jealous,

and a husband wants his wife to be a little bit jealous.

After all, no man wants to be taken for granted.

I mean, what am I after all, a stale codfish or something?

And she's just going to have to live with it.

When she married me, she knew what she was getting into.

Oh, sure.

The point is, she knew she was marrying a man who was

in a business that brought him in contact with lovely women,

and a man who is not too unattractive.

You're laughing in the wrong places.

Well, I have a communique for you, general.

You can stop loading your cannon.

There ain't going to be no war.

You mean you don't think Kathy could be jealous?

Uh-uh.

OK, wise guy.

You have that gorgeous DuBois lady at the rehearsal hall 8

o'clock tomorrow night.

And if my wife doesn't get green over that girl,

I'll eat that briefcase.

You've got a deal.

You want it well, medium, or rare?

Get out of here.

(SINGING) Around the world I searched for you.

I traveled on when hope was gone to keep a rendezvous.

I knew somewhere, sometime, somehow, you'd look at me

and I would see the smile you're smiling now.

It might have been in County Down or in New York or

gay Paree or even London town.

No more will I go all around the world,

for I have found my world in you.

Vienna.

-Madrid. -Espanol.

Ole!

Listen.

Beirut.

Africa!

Hey, kid.

We better get on back to the USA.

(SINGING) No more will I go all around the world,

for I have found my world in you.

Hey.

You know, not bad for just ad libbing.

Oh, just sensational, really.

I think we got the makings of a real good routine.

Oh, yeah. -I hope so.

Fine.

Let's call it a night, and we'll start

work early in the morning, huh?

OK.

Thank you so very much.

Good night, Mrs. Williams.

Good night.

Good night, Dawn.

Well?

Well, what do you think?

Oh, honey, I think you're so lucky to have her.

She's wonderful.

Ahem.

Look, honey.

Let's stop kidding around, huh?

I mean, if you've got something to say, let's hear it.

What do you really think?

Well, darling, I just told you.

I think she's wonderful.

Now see here, Katherine.

Oh, that sounds pretty frightening.

That's the tone he uses when I leave

the cap off the toothpaste.

Now look, dear, there are certain disadvantages to being

married to a fellow like me.

You mean in addition to the ones I already know about?

I'm talking about my profession.

Oh!

What about it, dear?

Look, honey, I don't quite know how to say this,

but I mean, you take like a butcher's wife.

She doesn't have to worry about what's going

on down at the store all day.

I mean, she doesn't have to worry

that her husband's head's going to be

turned by a pretty leg of lamb.

But in show business, it's different.

There are gorgeous girls.

It's a glamorous atmosphere.

And it's perfectly normal for a wife

to worry a little bit about a husband in that kind

of a business, you understand?

Did the top of the piano fall on his head?

Not tonight.

Maybe when he was very young.

Well, uh-- oh, sure.

I know now.

Somebody told you she's married.

Well, she isn't.

No.

Nobody's told me anything.

She's a single, unattached girl.

I know.

She could maybe be affectionate.

Sounds like she'll be good company.

You know, I could be tempted to be a teeny-weeny bit jealous.

Yeah?

If I weren't so sure of you.

You're sure of me?

Of course.

Don't you want me to be?

Oh, sure.

Every husband wants his wife to be sure of him.

I'm very happy.

That's good.

You know, I better call home and see if the children are in bed.

You never know what they might get into when you go out.

How do you like that?

She's sure of me.

That's why she married me.

Great.

Other men get taken for better or for worse.

I get taken for granted.

I'll bet if she found a blond hair on my coat,

she wouldn't even be jealous.

She'd think I got it petting a cocker spaniel.

What are you doing?

Well, those contracts weren't in the deal.

You just have to eat the briefcase.

Oh, get out of here.

No wonder she's sure of you.

Look at you.

You dead flounder.

Suck your stomach in.

Shoulders back, chin up.

Hey, kids, would you say-- would you say Daddy's getting fat?

Heck no.

You're nice and think for a man as old as you.

What do you mean as old as me?

It so happens I'm in the prime of my life.

And I don't need a couple of wise guy kids

to tell me whether I'm fat or thin or young or old

or anything else.

Then why did you ask us?

When you came into the room, I had to say something.

I didn't want you to think I was mad at you.

All you had to say was hello, kids.

OK. Hello, kids.

Goodbye, kids.

Get lost, kids.

Gee, actors.

All right.

Danny?

Liz is waiting for you.

Oh, thank you very much.

Is anything wrong?

Wrong?

Oh, no.

Good old reliable, stodgy Danny Williams is just fine.

You sure that you feel all right?

Well, for a dead mackerel, I'm doing all right.

What are you talking about?

What's the matter, don't I look all right?

You look fine.

I'll bet I do.

A regular Adonis, huh?

Women can't keep their hands off me, huh?

What are you talking about?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Just nothing.

Tell Liz I'll be down as soon as I've changed my clothes.

Liz?

What?

Is Danny having any trouble with his career?

Trouble?

Just the opposite.

He's in more demand than ever.

Then there's something terribly wrong with him.

I think he's cracking up.

I want Dr. Verhagen to have a look at him.

Kathy, this isn't a case for Dr. Verhagen.

How do you know?

Sit down.

Now, I didn't want to go into this

before because I didn't want to meddle any more than I have.

But I think it's about time you knew what's going on.

What are you talking about?

Well, your husband is suffering from the age old malady known

as deflation of the male ego.

Deflation of the male ego?

Danny?

Yep.

You see, he expected you to be jealous about Dawn DuBois.

Then you let him down by being grown up about the whole thing.

I don't believe it.

He was so sure he promised to eat my briefcase

if you weren't jealous.

You're joking.

If it isn't true, may I get a run in this stocking,

and it's my last pair.

Do you mean that that's what he's acting that way?

Mm-hmm.

It can't be.

It can't, huh?

Now, listen.

Lesson number one in male anatomy.

Vanity is the weakest part of the male animal,

except for the head, of course.

Well, that may be true about some men,

but you're wrong about Danny.

Oh, I am, huh?

Oh, Liz, Danny and I are no longer children.

I love him, I trust him, and I'm not going to humiliate

him by appearing jealous.

And I'm sure if you ask Danny, he'll tell

you that he feels the same way.

Yeah, well, that may be what he'd tell me,

but it's not necessarily what he'd think,

which brings me to lesson number two.

Now, in the male animal, there is

absolutely no connection between the brain and the tongue.

, Liz.

No, now, listen.

Seriously, Kathy.

Will you please take some advice from a woman who has

no qualifications to give it?

Relieve his suffering.

Pretend to be just a little bit green

eyed about this DuBois dame.

I couldn't.

I'm sorry, but I just couldn't pretend to be jealous.

I feel our marriage is above that sort of thing.

Yeah.

Well, bye.

I thought you wanted to see Danny.

I haven't time.

I have to get my briefcase tenderized.

Now, tonight, I want you to get a nice night's sleep,

understand?

Look your very best tomorrow, because we're

going to have publicity pictures taken

first thing in the morning.

Danny?

Yeah.

Do you think you could pick me up at my place?

Sure, sure. Why not?

Good.

I'll keep some coffee warm for you.

That'll be fine.

By the way, I think you're doing real great.

Oh, thank you, Danny.

You're a doll.

Good night, Mrs. Williams.

Good night.

I'd say it's shaping up pretty good, wouldn't you?

Just fine, doll.

How long has that bit been in the act?

What bit?

The bit where she kissed you?

How long has that been in the act?

It's not in the act.

It's-- being friendly, that's all.

I mean, people in show business are friendly.

Everybody kisses everybody.

Benny Lessy has been playing piano for you for years.

I've never seen him kiss you.

I guess I'm just not his type.

But you're her type.

What you sore about?

Oh-- oh--

What's so funny?

Oh, that's wonderful.

You're jealous.

Oh, this has nothing to do with jealous.

Kathy is jealous.

Kathy is jealous.

Kathy is jealous.

Stop it.

I haven't read her contract, but I'm

sure there's no clause in it that says she fixes

coffee for you in the morning.

Oh, come here to me, you beautiful thing.

You take your hands off of me, you Casanova.

Now, come on.

Don't tell me you're worried someone's

going to steal your old, unattractive,

dried up fish of a husband.

Now let's not kid each other.

You may not be a Cary Grant.

But you've got that same kind of masculine vitality

that attracts women, and you know it.

By Jove, Kathy, every time I try to pull the wool

over your eyes .

I love you. I love you.

I love you.

Put me down!

Hey, wait a minute.

My socks!

I refuse to knit socks for roving feet.

Now, wait a minute.

You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Well, you're right.

And that molehill has got to go.

By Jove, Dan, me lad.

I think you've got it!

Hi.

Say, I saw Danny this afternoon.

He was purring like a basket full of contented kittens.

What happened?

Oh, I took your advice, I put on an act.

Well, it must have been a beaut because he's on cloud nine.

Just call me Sarah Bernhardt.

Oh, Liz, you should've seen me.

I was magnificent.

I should get an Academy Award.

I wasn't only a jealous wife.

I was a green eyed monster.

Good girl!

That was what to do.

Honey, how many things are you gonna need for just two weeks

in Pittsburgh?

Darling, the weather's so changeable I'm

not sure what I might use.

All right.

Hurry up, huh?

Say, you gonna carry this jealousy

act all the way to Pittsburgh?

What jealousy act?

You don't think I'm going to let him spend two weeks alone

with that hussy, do you?

If anybody's going to keep his coffee warm,

it's going to be me.

Oh, sweetheart, hurry up.

We're gonna be late.

I know, I know, I know.

Just a moment.