Original subtitles

But Phil, you're crazy.

I can't get this arrangement out by six o'clock tonight.

What do you want me to do, tie pencils to my toes?

No, no, I'm not in a nasty mood.

I'm happy.

I'm singing like bird.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Boy, you just-- read the papers, kid.

Lincoln freed the slaves.

All right, I'll try to get it.

Tell Wally to standby.

Holy Toledo, get an act prepared,

fix up a whole arrangement.

Kathy!

KATHY: What is it, dear?

How long does it take to get a cup of coffee in this house?

Darling, it's right there in the kitchen.

Darling, there's no piano in the kitchen.

I've gotta finish working, darling, not in the kitchen.

Holy smokes.

A whole arrangement like this, I'll never get it done.

(SINGING) She made me weary.

Women do get weary wearing the same shabby dress.

And when she's weary--

(SPEAKING) Kathy?

How about the coffee?

(SINGING) Try a little tender .

(SPEAKING) Kathy!

You don't have to sneak up on a guy.

Do you have to roar like a hungry lion?

No, I'll coo like an overstuffed fidget.

Look, sweetheart, I got an arrangement to get out,

an act to fix, and I can't even get

a pencil with a point on it.

Well keep your voice down.

You needn't share your problems with the whole neighborhood.

I'll just raid Rusty's pencil box.

Oh sure, sure.

He's probably loaded with them so he

can play tic-tac-toe with me.

I'm the breadwinner in the family

and I can't have one pencil with a point on it.

Women.

(SINGING) Try a little tender love.

(SPEAKING) Kathy!

What now?

Could I please have some coffee?

Darling, I just brought you some.

Didn't you see it?

You brought it, I saw it, I drank it.

You know I like to drink a lot of coffee when I'm working.

Will you please help me out?

All right, I'll get you the whole pot.

Well thank you.

Here are some pencils.

And you don't have to be a grouch!

Grouch?

That's nice.

A guys works his fingers to the bone trying to provide

for his wife and kids, and he's a grouch

because he wants a pencil with a point on it

and a cup of coffee.

Grouch.

You're dead!

I I

You are, too.

I just disintegrated you.

DANNY: Kathy!

Kathy!

Get these kids out of here before I

disintegrate both of them.

Right now!

--, you can't play in here

when your father's working.

Linda, go to your room and try to be quiet.

And Rusty, you better get your homework done.

All right.

I'll be needing some pencils.

Rusty!

I'm sorry, dear.

I'll get you some more right away.

It just never, never ends.

Oh.

Hello Dr. Ver Hagen.

What are you laughing about?

Have you got a pencil?

Yes, sure. Here.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

How are you, doc?

Fine, thank you.

DANNY: That's good.

I know you are busy, I don't want to intrude.

Oh, that's all right, doc.

I'm preparing an album called music to be interrupted by.

Well I just came over to tell you, Danny, how very wonderful

you were the other night at the show.

Oh, your jokes are absolutely hilarious.

And your singing, it was magnificent.

I never heard applause more well deserved ever.

Well, thank you very much, doc.

You're welcome.

Now may I borrow one of your golf clubs?

Which club do you want?

The putter.

You know, someone seems to have broken mine.

Oh, who would a thing like that?

He would.

He wrapped it around a tree on the 18th hole

Sunday when he missed a six inch putt.

A gentleman would have considered such a short putt,

but not you.

My dear, one concedes a putt only when one assures

opponents will make it any way.

But you, when I don't concede it, you get so mad you miss it.

Psychology.

All right, Dr. Freud.

Next time I'm giving you a vitamin shot,

I'm going to use the long needle.

Now get my putter.

Oh, Dr. Ver Hagen, am I glad to see you.

I could sure use a breather.

Is something the matter?

Today is Louisa's day off, and things have gotten

a little out of hand, and Mt.

Vesuvius has been erupting.

Is he yelling again?

Oh yes.

He can't get any work done, and he's taking it out on me.

And whenever it happens, I feel as

though I'm a failure as a wife.

Just because he yells?

Kathy, when Danny has been born, the doctor slapped him,

he started to scream and he hasn't stopped since.

All right. OK.

Where are they?

They were in the closet right in my bedroom.

My golf clubs, who stole them?

Well I'm sorry, darling, but I moved

them into the hall closet.

You moved them?

Well tell a guy, will you?

Gee.

You see what I mean?

Oh, surely.

Let's face it, your husband's a lovable Lebanese yeller.

It upsets me, and I don't know what to do about it.

Yell back.

Oh, I can't win anything that way.

Sure you can, if you yell loud enough.

Oh, I don't expect Danny to be all sweetness and light,

but when he raises his voice to me

I feel as though he really doesn't love me anymore.

He loves you.

He wouldn't yell at you if he wouldn't love you.

The day he stops yelling at you, then you start worrying

whether he loves you or not.

When he stops yelling?

Sure.

He does it to all his friends, no?

Yes, I guess so.

And he's-- he's very polite with all the people

whom he doesn't like.

Only people he likes does he extend

the privilege to be yelled at.

Look, next time he yells just let it roll off like the water

off a dog's back.

You'll try?

I'll try.

Where are they?

I had six brand new golf balls in my bag and they're gone.

Now where are they?

What happened to them?

Well how should I know where they are?

You're the lady of this house, you should

know what's going on it in.

Now where are my golf balls?

Well if you must know, I was making chicken soup

and I ran out of matzah balls.

Hey!

What kind of a crack was that?

What am I supposed to do, keep a sign on my things?

Keep out?

Oh!

What's the matter with her?

Why do you have to be such a yellnick?

Yellnick?

Sure.

What are you talking about

Well, they way you speak to Kathy.

Must you always speak with a shout?

Who's shouting?

I'm speaking in my normal voice.

For an elephant, it's normal.

Look, Danny, you got to realize that for a wife,

you have fine, sensitive girl who has an unfortunate problem.

Problem?

What kind of problem?

She's married to a big loudmouth.

Knock off it, will ya, doc?

Kathy knows I don't mean anything by it.

It's just a habit, that's all.

I yell.

So what?

Is that such a terrible crime?

I come by it honestly, you know?

I was raised in a family with 10 children.

Dinnertime wasn't mealtime, in our house it was a convention.

I guarantee, if you didn't raise your voice, you didn't survive.

I remember once my brother Eddie had laryngitis,

he liked to starve to death.

Besides, Kathy's used to it.

Perhaps she's used to it, but I guarantee she doesn't like it.

Are you saying my wife is unhappy being married to me?

Tell me, Danny-- truthfully-- how would

you like to be married to you?

Come again?

I said, how you would like to be married to you.

Well what kind of a ridiculous question is that?

Well, just think about it.

Try to put yourself in Kathy's place.

Well I'd take myself for better or for worse any day.

Why is that so ha, ha, ha?

Listen, if it would be possible that you and Kathy changes

place, you know, I tell you, within one week,

you would run home to mother.

Is that so?

Yes, that is so.

Just think about it.

OK.

Goodbye, apple strudel.

Think about it.

How would you like to be married to you?

Heh.

How would I like to be married to me?

KATHY (IN DANNY'S VOICE): (SINGING) She made me weary.

Women do get weary.

Kathy?

Where's my coffee?

How long does it take to make a cup of coffee?

Well, dear, I'm going as fast as I can.

Well it just isn't fast enough.

A guy breaks his neck trying to make

a living for his wife and kids, and he

can't even get a cup of coffee.

I think it's ready now.

Is that all you can spare?

One cup of coffee?

No dear, I'll give you as much as you want.

What's the matter with you?

Haven't you got the ironing done yet?

What do you do all day?

Just sit around and look pretty?

Bring me some pencils.

Hello Agnes.

Oh no, I couldn't possibly go.

I'm such a tired girl today.

And besides, my hair is just a mess.

KATHY (IN DANNY'S VOICE): Kathy!

I got to go now, Agnes.

There's that man again.

He just makes my life miserable.

KATHY (IN DANNY'S VOICE): Kathy!

Kathy, bring me some coffee!

And when I say, I mean a lot of it!

Well, where's my coffee?

Here it is, dear.

What's this?

What's the matter?

Doesn't it smell delicious?

Of course!

It smells great.

But how come we're back to one cup again?

Oh!

I certainly wouldn't like being married to me.

That poor kid.

Huh.

Darling, are you looking for something?

I had four or five cigars here in one of these drawers.

I can't find them. -Oh.

Well don't worry, dear.

They'll be ready in a minute.

I-- I've got them in the oven.

We're having cigars for dinner?

I didn't want to tell you, darling,

because I didn't want to upset you will you were working.

But Linda was playing battleship and she

used your cigars for torpedoes.

She-- oh well.

That's all right, dear.

I've always wanted the taste of baked cigar.

I, uh, thought I might go down to the gym

and work out a little bit, but I can't find my gym shoes.

Do you know where they are?

Oh, darling, I was afraid you were going to ask about those.

You see, I accidentally put them in a package

that I was sending to the old lady's home.

Uh-oh.

Oh well.

That's all right, dear.

They'll probably brighten up the life of some deserving old lady

prize fighter.

Well!

He took the air out of him?

Are you sure that our Mr. Williams, New York's answer

to hurricane Hazel?

Yes, and he's been that way for a whole week.

Well he sure don't sound like old iron sides.

I know, I'm begging to wo-- Darling,

I thought you were going down to the gym?

Nah.

Changed my mind I'm just gonna stay home and do a little work.

Well, if you're gonna work I better

get out of there with this noisy old dust cloth.

Oh darling, there aren't any pencils.

I'll get some for you.

No, that's all right, dear.

I think I saw a stub of one in here.

The point is broken.

Let me sharpen it.

I'll sharpen it.

(SINGING) There'll be a change in the weather.

Change in the sea.

But I never thought there'd be a change in he.

Neither did I. Tell me something, Louise.

Yes, ma'am?

You've worked for Mr. Williams for a pretty long time,

haven't you?

A long time.

But it ain't always been pretty.

He yells at you a lot, too, doesn't he?

Wowwie!

You don't mind it, do you?

Oh, of course not.

That shows he likes me.

The more he likes a person, the louder he yells.

Dr. Ver Hagen said the same thing.

It's when he stops yelling at you,

you know you done hit the bottom of the list.

I guess I've fallen off the page completely.

Come on, honey.

No.

His whole personality has changed.

He isn't the man I married.

I can't help feeling that he doesn't love me anymore.

Oh, Mrs. Williams, you can't mean that.

Oh, it's true.

It's funny.

Only a week ago I was complaining because he yelled

too much, and now I'd give my eye

and teeth for one measly roar.

That oughtn't to be too tough.

Maybe you ain't been giving him enough reason.

Are you trying real hard?

I haven't done anything special.

Well you put a little more fuel in that rocket

and it'll go off.

Oh, children, please.

Can't you play in another room?

Louise and I are talking.

Well you don't want us to get my room messed up,

and daddy's working in the living room

so we can't play in there.

You certainly can't.

You bother your father when he's working

and you'll make him jump out of his skin.

Now you'll have to--

Mrs. Williams?

Yes?

You just know what you just said?

You said with the children playing and him working,

it'll make him jump out of his skin.

Mrs. Williams, I believe that you have just found

a fresh load of rocket fuel.

You're right.

Uh, Rusty and Linda?

There's no reason why you shouldn't

play in the living room.

There's lots more room in there.

Are you kidding?

I just told you, daddy's in there working.

Well it's all right, darling.

This is your home and you have a right to play in there.

As a matter of fact, I want you to play in there.

Don't you love us anymore, mommy?

Are you trying to get us killed?

Honey, this is your home and our home for all of us

to enjoy.

So go on.

Play in there to your heart's content.

Come on, Rusty.

Not so fast.

We may be walking you into a booby trap.

Now Rusty, you go on and do what your mama tells you to do,

hear?

All right.

But I'm keeping my eyes peeled.

This could be an ambush.

Do you think it'll work, Louise?

Honey, with them playing and him working,

we're just about to send up the first man satellite.

Children? Children?

Sweetheart.

Yes, daddy?

Look, sweetheart--

Danny Williams, don't you dare yell at these children.

You just let me tell you something.

This is their home just as much as yours,

and they're entitled to use it just as much as you are.

If you have to work, why don't you go to an office

like everybody else does instead of frustrating your children

by making them to tiptoe around in fear

they'll disturb their temperamental father?

And, if you feel any reason for yelling at them

you just yell at me.

No children, you run along upstairs.

Go on, yell at me!

I dare you.

Go on!

Danny, please yell at me.

I'm not gonna yell.

I-- I'm a little tired.

I think I'll lie down.

That proves it, Louise.

He just doesn't love me anymore.

Boy.

Have we been goofing.

I sure have.

I don't mean that stuff about him not loving you.

That ain't what's banked his fires.

That poor man is just plain old fashion sick.

That's all.

You mean because he said he was tired?

Well, you can see just by looking

at him that he is not himself.

And he ain't had no appetite lately, you know that.

No.

And he's been complaining about pains.

Sure has.

Louise, that must be it.

Mhm.

And to think, all the time I thought he didn't love me

and the poor dear has been desperately ill.

Oh, I'm so relieved.

His temperature's normal.

Show me again where it hurts, Danny.

I'm puzzled.

His heart seems to be perfect, his chest is clear.

You say this has been going on for a whole week?

Why didn't you call me sooner?

It's my fault, doc.

I guess I should've called you, but I don't want

to act like a baby just because of pains in the chest

and a few dizzy spells.

Take a deep breath.

I don't think I can.

Come on, try.

You seem to be perfectly normal, physically.

Danny, this could psychosomatic.

Pyschoso-what-ic?

Psychosomatic.

You know, a lot of times things, uh, are suppressed up here

and it can cause trouble here and there

and all over your body.

Have you been having any trouble lately?

No.

No trouble.

Now look, Danny, I'm not only your doctor,

I'm also your friend.

You can tell me and be honest about it.

If something is wrong, what is it?

Is it your business?

Did you make some deal that's upsetting you lately?

You're right, doctor.

He is upset about a deal.

A deal he made with me.

What?

You warned me only a week ago of the symptoms.

Danny, I know you're keeping it locked up inside of you,

but you don't have to anymore.

What are you talking about?

I just want you to know that I won't hold you to our deal.

If you no longer love me--

If I no longer love you?

That's right.

What are you talking about?

What do you mean I no longer love you?

How do like this girl?

Boy I've known some feather-brained dames

in my life, but you're out of your cotton-picking mind.

What do you mean I don't love you?

I love you more than life itself.

Why, you pretty nitwit, you're the whole world to me.

Don't you ever dare say it again, do you understand?

Or I'll pin your ears back.

Danny, don't aggravate yourself.

Your pains get worse.

What pains?

I haven't got any pains.

I haven't got any pains.

You see?

I was right.

It's psychosomatic.

As soon as you started to yell, the pains were gone.

Is that so, Dr. Goulash?

And who was it that told me to stop

yelling in the first place?

Now who ever told you to take my advice?

The biggest mistake I ever made.

And as for you, young lady, don't you

ever dare say that again.

Oh Danny, you're yelling.

You bet I'm yelling, and I'll yell it from the top

of the Empire State Building.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Now come here.

Oh Danny, don't kiss me.

Just keep yelling!

Oh shut up.

(SINGING) It's not just sentimental, she has her grief

and cares.

So a word that's often gentle makes it easier to bear.

You won't regret it, women don't forget it.

Love is their whole happiness.

It's all so easy try a little tenderness.

Oh, that's a pretty song.

And you're a pretty lady.

You know, Clancy, I've been thinking.

Terrible habit of mine, yelling all the time.

I'm going to cut it out.

Oh, I don't mind, darling.

Just so long as you're happy.

Look, I don't have to yell to be happy, you know?

Oh.

That's all right, dear.

After all, you-- you forgot I like a lot of coffee.

Anybody could make a mistake like that.

There's nothing to yell about.

Oh, the pains.