Original subtitles

Uh, pardon me.

Am I correct in assuming the object of the game

is to match the card in your hand?

That's right.

Well, in that case, I suggest, taking into consideration

the laws of probability, you'd be better off

discarding that one, instead of that one,

and drawing to this sequence.

Oh?

Play something, will you?

You say I should throw this one away?

Yes.

Throw something away.

All right.

Oh, beautiful.

You better stick to guided missiles.

How long have you had that card?

Wow.

There you are, sweetheart.

Gin!

Maybe I'd better not wait around any longer for Terri.

Maybe I'd better come back later?

Look, son, you don't have to go on my account,

but that is a good idea.

You come back later.

Maybe in a month or so, I'm sure she'll be back by then.

I mean, it's not that I don't like you or anything,

but there's no sense in your wasting

a whole day waiting for Terri.

Oh, that's all right.

Are you going, Donald?

Yeah, it seems that way.

Yes.

Yes, he's going.

Oh, would you tell Terri my father's

letting me use the car tonight?

And if she'd like to go birdwatching,

I'll pick her up at 10 o'clock.

10 o'clock?

Yes, sir.

You go birdwatching at night?

Yes, sir.

We're looking for the crested whippoorwill.

You see, it's a nocturnal flyer.

The last time Terri and I watched for one,

he didn't come out till almost midnight.

Are you telling me you had my daughter

out till almost midnight?

Yes, sir.

I belong to the Audubon Society.

The who society?

Young man, just what are your intentions toward my sister?

What kind of a question is that?

Now, go to your room.

Sometimes, I wonder where the older generation is going?

Never mind!

I'm sorry, Donald.

Rusty had no right to ask a question like that, but I have!

What do you mean you had her out till past midnight?

You listen to me, you misguided guided missile jockey!

What are your intentions toward my daughter?

Garsh, Mr. Williams, my intentions

are just to take her birdwatching!

Oh, Danny, really, a whole group of them

went, and I gave Terri permission to go.

Oh, a whole group?

Oh, wow.

In that case, I'm sorry, son.

I just lost my head for a minute there.

You're a fine boy, Donald.

I like you very much and I-- but I

don't think you oughta spend all your time

birdwatching with my daughter.

I mean, especially getting out in that night air, you know,

and catching a cold, and getting your head all stopped up,

you won't be able to figure out those mathematical problems.

Now you go on home, boy, and study.

You've got a great future ahead of you.

You'll be a great scientist someday,

and the country can use men like you.

I can't.

Goodbye.

Really, Danny, that wasn't very nice.

Where does it say you have to be nice to the enemy?

Ronald?

The enemy?

Any male who's chasing my daughter is an enemy.

Oh, come on now.

I was reading a book just the other day, the-- "The

Dangers of Adolescence."

And there was a whole chapter in there about a girl Terri's age

who eloped.

That explains it.

You've been reading again!

I'm just going to have to take that library card away

from you.

What are you making with the jokes?

Why are you taking it so lightly?

Oh, honey, don't you think you're reaching a bit?

After all, Terri's a pretty level headed girl.

Well, level headed or no, after reading that book,

I'd rather be safe than sorry.

I don't want her spending her time

with Donald or any other guy.

Well, not too much, anyway.

Like a big pizza, that's amore.

Hello, baby.

Hello, Daddy.

Hi, Kathy.

Oh, Terri, Donald was just here.

Who?

Donald Cooper.

Oh, Donald.

Eh.

That's my girl.

Terri, wait a minute.

Come back here.

What's wrong with you?

Donald is a lovely boy.

That's just it.

He's a boy.

He's too immature.

Hey, you know, you're right.

She-- she has got a level head.

After all, let's face it.

He's no Dean Martin.

Dean Martin?

How did Dean Martin get into this conversation.

Oh, Daddy, the day you brought me home that autographed album,

well, you started a whole new life for me.

Oh now, Sweetheart, don't tell me you've

got a crush on Dean Martin.

Well, why not?

I could have a crush on him myself.

He's pretty cute.

What?

Cute?

Is that all you can say about my Dino?

My Dino?

Well, he's a dreamboat!

I mean, he's so relaxed, so casual, so suave.

The way he stands, the careless way he wears his clothes,

the way he leaves his collar open.

That's so he can leave room for his napkin

when he eats his lasagna.

Well, now, I'm certainly not gonna have a daughter of mine

go gaga over a crooner now.

Oh, I suppose you prefer someone like Donald?

What's the matter with Donald?

He's a fine boy.

But you know what his habits are--

birdwatching and rocket ships!

I don't care what his hobbies are.

He's closer to your age.

What difference does age make?

Look at Cleopatra and Caesar, Josephine and Napoleon, Murray

Sigler and Marion Shlain.

Murray Sigler and Marion Shlain?

Oh, Daddy, you know, Marion, the butcher's daughter.

Well, she's only 17, and she's engaged to Murray, who's 25.

I think a more mature man is good for a girl.

Well, in that case, why stop at Dean Martin?

Why not shoot for Charles Laughton?

Really, Father.

Don't you give me that "really, Father" bit.

You come back here.

Now, you listen to me, young lady.

I guess maybe I have been really a bother to her.

I don't know what's going on here.

Oh, heaven's sake, Danny, what's

wrong with her having a crush on an attractive entertainer?

What's wrong with her?

Do you mean that you want our daughter

to be one of those swooning, squealing bobby-socksers?

Well, she certainly isn't that.

If she were, she'd be down with the rest

of those bobby-socksers at the theater,

where Dean Martin's playing.

Where do you think I've been for the last two days?

His eyes, they're half brown.

His eyes are half brown?

You know, he never opens them all the way.

I was sitting in the front row, and he looked right at me.

Those eyes.

Oh!

Like magic.

Magic!

Magic.

Oh, you're so right.

She's got a level head.

Something fell on it!

Flattened out the whole thing!

Donald, show me now.

Be like Dean Martin, nice and casual and relaxed.

Go ahead.

Donald, that's your idea of being casual and relaxed?

Look, you want Terri to like you, don't you?

Yes, sir.

Now, if wanna be like Dean Martin,

you gotta pay attention.

You gotta be suave.

Me?

Garsh, Mr. Williams, I could never be suave.

Don't worry, kid.

With my help, you'll be the biggest suave in town.

All right.

First, let's take the glasses off, huh?

Take the glass off.

Put 'em in your pocket.

You can see without 'em OK, can't you?

All right, now-- now, look it.

You're too wide awake.

Close your eyes a little bit.

Make like you just got up, you know?

Droop 'em a little bit.

Oh, that's pretty good.

Now, relax.

Loosen your collar, will you, please?

Here, Donald.

Fine, now. That's it.

Like that.

Now, just-- just-- just relax.

That's it. Relax.

There we are.

OK, now.

There.

What's the matter with Donald?

Is he sick?

He's not sick.

I'm-- I'm trying to show him how to be relaxed and casual.

He's getting it too.

You're all right, boy.

Relaxed?

He's disintegrated.

All right, just never mind now.

He's getting it fine.

Now, just loose-like.

Show me.

Show me how you'd ask for a date.

Go ahead.

Oh, Danny, really?

Clancy, will you butt out?

Now come on.

Make believe I'm Terri, and you ask me to go out with you.

Go ahead.

Could you possibly go ice skating

with me tomorrow, Mr. Williams?

No, no!

Well, you don't have to, if you don't want to.

I mean, no, you're supposed to ask Terri.

Don't ask me.

Donald, you gotta be modern.

You gotta be jivey.

You gotta be slick. Now, watch.

Watch this.

Hey, babe.

How about you and me strapping on the blades

and cutting a couple of figure eights?

Sounds great, gate.

Just wait and I'll get my skates, a rigga-digga-doo

and duddy-up-dupp.

All right, all right.

I'm only trying to help the kid, for heaven's sake.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie,

that's amore.

Hello, Donald.

Where's your glasses?

Hiya, babe.

How'd you like to strap on the blades

and cut a couple of figure eights?

Rigga-digga-doo and a vodie-o-doe?

Honestly, Donald, I knew you were a child,

but I didn't think you were a dopey child.

Put your glasses back on.

You look ridiculous without them.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore.

I goofed, huh?

Son, some men were born to be Casanovas,

and others were born to be birdwatchers.

You are for the birds.

Well, let's-- let's just forget the whole thing, eh, non?

Well, it doesn't matter, really.

Thanks for trying, Mr. Williams, but--

Oh, that's all right, son.

Well, I guess I'd rather be myself, anyway.

Maybe I'm not the romantic type, but

everybody can't be a crooner.

Yeah, you're so right.

You're so right.

And besides, you can't croon a rocket to the moon

or a satellite into its orbit.

And you see, I sort of feel that mathematics and science

are pretty romantic and exciting too.

So I guess I'll just have to find

a girl that feels like I do.

Donald.

Yes, Mrs. Williams?

Well, sometime, if you're not too busy,

I'd like to go birdwatching with you.

Yeah.

Yeah, me too, son.

Any time you say.

Terri, Terri?

Kathy?

Anybody home?

The coast is clear.

She's not home.

Good.

Can I get down off my toes now?

Sure, sure.

I was beginning to feel like a character

in a Hitchcock picture.

Gee, Dean, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your

helping me out of this mess. -It's all right, Danny.

It's all right.

But don't you think we're doing this the hard way?

Dean, how many times do I have to explain it to you?

I'm telling you, Terri's got a big crush

on you because you're so sophisticated,

so suave, so sloppy.

She doesn't like Donald 'cause he's a bookworm.

He's studious.

He's an egghead.

So we gotta make her believe that you're an egghead too.

Don't you understand?

I understand OK, Dr. Frankenstein.

Transform me.

OK, Monster, the first thing, button up the collar

and tighten the tie, huh?

Button it up?

Yeah.

This is necessary?

It's necessary.

Gonna be a big surprise to my neck.

Let's not make jokes, huh?

I'm serious. -All right.

All right, now.

Here we go.

Now, look, yeah tighten that real good, huh?

Dean, what can we do about your eyes?

Don't you have open them?

I mean, make like you're wide awake, huh?

Just take it easy, Dan.

That's daylight out there.

My eyeballs aren't used to that.

Eyeballs, yeah, yeah.

That reminds me. Eyeballs.

Here, here.

Gotta give you that square look.

There.

Let me see now.

Hey, you look nice in 'em.

You're so relaxed all the time.

Haven't you got a spine?

Stand up straight, will you, Dean?

And pull your shoulders back, chest out, stomach in.

Hold it, Sarge, they're drafting Elvis, not me!

Are you gonna cooperate or are you?

Oh, what I do for a friend of mine.

All right, if you're gonna do it, let's go all the way, huh?

-What are you gonna do now? -What am I gonna do?

The finishing touches.

I got this all planned, kid.

I'm no dummy.

Get up.

Come on.

Don't forget now.

You're a member of the Audubon.

I'm back in the Hitchcock picture.

Hey, whatever you do, please, don't clown it.

Don't give it away.

Play it straight, right?

Hello, Dad.

Hello.

Oh, darling, where you doing?

Did you see who's here?

We have a visitor.

Dean Martin!

Uh-huh.

But I-- I--

Mr. Martin was just in the neighborhood,

and he thought he'd drop in and pay us a visit.

Isn't that right, Dino?

Yes, I was across the street in the park birdwatching.

Birdwatching?

Why, certainly.

This is the most exciting time of the year.

This is the homing season for-- for the red-throated bullfinch.

Didn't you know that, Terri?

What's the matter, dear?

You look a little surprised.

Well, I don't just always birdwatch, you know.

I didn't think so.

Heavens to Betsy, no.

You see, on Thursdays, there's the lectures

at the planetarium, and you should have

been there last week, Daniel.

It would have done your heart good.

Well, dear, I guess Mr. Martin is a little different than you

had pictured him, isn't he?

Sure, is.

Yes.

I'm just a simple man with simple tastes,

seeking only to sharpen my keen mind.

You know something, Daddy?

DANNY: Yes, dear?

You've pulled some pretty corny tricks in your time,

but this one takes the cake.

What do you mean by that?

Oh, you know what I mean.

Putting on this ridiculous act?

You don't give me credit for any brains at all, do you?

Did you actually think I'd fall for such a foolish stunt?

No, it's not a foolish stunt at all.

And you, Dean, oh, I'm really surprised at you.

Did you honestly think that you could hide all

your-- your charm and magnetism behind a hat

and a phony umbrella?

It was silly of me, wasn't it?

Why don't you relax, loosen your tie and be yourself?

Oh, I thank you, and my Adam's apple thanks you.

Oh, Dino!

You say such cute things.

Don't I?

Listen, now that you're here, I have a stack of records

that you autograph for me.

Now, make yourself comfortable, and I'll be right back.

You and your crummy charm!

Can I help it if I was born adorable?

Look, we got time for the snappy chatter.

What are we gonna do now?

Well, Danny, hold tight.

We tried it your way, it didn't work.

Now, we'll try it my way.

Huh?

She's got a crush on me, I'll uncrush her.

I'll-- I'll hit her with that heavy lover bit, you know?

I'll scare her right out of her shoes.

Oh, now wait a minute. She's just a child.

Go in the kitchen, get a glass of water, let me go to work.

Don't forget, she's just a little teenage kid now.

Get a glass of water, a tall glass.

Just remember, you're kibitzing with my daughter!

OK, OK.

(SINGING) I don't know why love you like I do.

I don't know why.

I just do.

I don't know why you thrill me like you do.

I don't know why.

You just do.

You never seem to want my romancing.

The only time you'll hold me is when--

Sit down.

(SINGING) I don't know why I love you like I do.

I don't know why.

I just do.

You never seem to want my romancing.

The only time you'll hold me is when we're dancing.

I don't know why I love you like I do.

I don't know why.

I just do.

Hi.

Hi.

What are gonna do about that father of yours?

He thinks you're just a mere child.

Well, he's just trying to protect me from you.

Mhm.

Who's gonna to protect me from you?

Huh?

Hmm?

That's it.

Play it cozy, baby.

But we know what happened when you walked in this room,

don't we?

What?

What?

Our eyes met, and the countdown began.

Five, four, three, two, one, boom!

I'm not sure I know what you mean.

Ah, come on, dream stuff.

Stop playing it cool.

You and me, we're made of the same ingredients.

What do you say?

Just relax.

Don't fight it.

Let that chain action roll.

Just sit right down here.

I know I'm older than you, but what's four or five years?

baby, together, we can have a ball.

It'll be a gasser.

What are you talking about?

Talking about you and me.

Look, I have a convertible outside.

Let's jump in it and ride out into the birdwatching country

and let the birds watch us.

All aboard for cloud 9.

Now, come on.

Let's go right now.

Right now?

Right now.

I just couldn't.

Well, why not?

Well, because it'll take me at least five minutes

to get my clothes changed!

Hold on!

What are you-- whoa!

You mean you wanna go?

Why, sure!

Don't you want time to think it over?

What's to think, dream stuff?

Well, you just can't go zooming out into the country

with anybody like that!

Why not, Daddy-o?

You and I are made of the same ingredients.

Let's get that chain reaction going.

See you in five.

Then we'll jive!

Terri, come here.

No!

Terri, no!

Danny!

Danny!

What's the matter?

Don't look now, but I think I'm your new son-in-law.

What?

This is no time for wisecracks!

This is no wisecrack.

She's gonna take me for a ride in the country.

What?

What what?

She's upstairs changing.

My baby?

If she's a baby, I'm Dennis the Menace!

Maybe.

Well, I've had it up to here.

I'm through playing games. Terri!

Terri!

Come down here! -Come down here!

TERRI: In a minute, Daddy.

Right now.

Now!

What kind of a father am I?

Where have I failed?

You failed somewhere, Danny.

Oh, be quiet!

Now, Terri-- -Whoa.

Yeah.

What's going on here?

Well, I'll tell you what's going on here.

You're treating me as though I didn't

have a-- a brain in my head.

Well, how else do you want me to treat you?

Wanted to go out riding in the country with a man

more than twice your age!

Easy with the age stuff!

All right.

Anyway, what do you mean, you're gonna go riding

in the country with Dean?

Come on, now, Daddy, you don't think I was serious?

Well, wha-- he-- well, you-- he--

Oh, you mean, you were just putting it on?

Well, Daddy isn't the only actor in the family.

Well, then-- then you don't have a crush on me.

Of course I have!

I adore you!

Here we go again, kid.

Hold on to your hats.

Oh no.

Now, you listen to me, young lady.

Yeah, you listen to him, young lady.

No, you listen to me.

You two grown-ups have a few of the facts of life to learn.

What?

Look, boys collect sport shirts,

model airplanes, and jalopies.

And teenage girls collect sweaters, records, and crushes.

You collect crushes?

Certainly.

Oh, Penny's crazy about Vic Damone,

and Lois is gone on Frank Sinatra.

And, well, Dean was the only one left!

Now, just a minute, young lady.

Now, if-- if you're just putting it on,

how come you got all dressed up in that outfit?

Because I'm going skating with Donald.

Wait a minute.

Well, I thought you didn't like Donald.

Of course I like him.

He's my boyfriend.

Donald is your boyfriend, but you have a crush on Dean?

That's right.

Well, we're certainly learning the facts of life.

Yeah.

What's the use of having a crash if you

don't have a boyfriend who'll be jealous while you're having it?

Gee, everybody knows that.

Boy, how stupid can I be?

And I thought I knew all about raising children.

How stupid can I be?

I thought I was irresistible.

The only one left?

Danny?

Huh?

You really have nothing to worry about.

You got a real fine, wonderful daughter.

You remember that.

Yeah, I guess I have, Dean.

Yup.

Thanks, anyway.

All right.

Now, what are you doing?

I'm going downstairs, across the street in the park,

because there is a red-throated bullfinch

down there that's a gasser.

I gotta see this cat.