Original subtitles

Thank you.

KATHY: What is it, Rusty?

A telegram.

Oh?

Oh, it's for your father.

I wonder who it's from.

Could be something important.

Maybe somebody wants to offer him a big contract.

Yeah.

Maybe somebody wants to cancel one.

Maybe they want him to make a movie.

Maybe somebody doesn't want him to make a movie.

Let's help him too find out.

Oh no, Rusty.

I don't think that would be right.

I told you, it's addressed to your father.

Yeah, you're right.

We mustn't open it.

Hold it up in front of a strong light.

No, Rusty!

That wouldn't be right.

We mustn't show weak characters.

Well, I know what.

Hold it over a steam kettle.

Let it open by itself.

Oh, that would be just as wrong.

Why?

Can we help it if we have a steam

kettle with a weak character?

Oh, really, Rusty, we're just going

to have to wait until your father

wakes up and opens it himself.

Well, when is he gonna wake up?

The suspense is killing me.

Oh well.

You just shouldn't be so curious.

I don't think he'll sleep much longer, though.

I don't know.

Daddy does pretty good in the sleep department.

Well, he's entitled to sleep as long as he wants.

He works hard, and he needs his rest.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Hey!

Daddy, did we wake you up?

Me and the whole neighborhood.

What's going on?

We have a telegram for you, dear.

Open it.

That the kind of a greeting I should get in the morning?

Say, good morning.

Good morning.

Open the telegram.

-Good morning, son. -Good morning.

Open the telegram!

You're not only the noisiest people in the neighborhood,

you're also the nosiest.

Open the telegram.

Oh.

Well, isn't this wonderful?

Whoever said telegrams bring good news

knew what he was talking about.

Oh, that's great.

Dad, don't you dare.

What's in that telegram?

I really shouldn't tell you, but it's too good to keep.

Uncle Tonoose is coming.

Uncle Tonoose?

Yup, today.

Oh, boy!

You mean, your Uncle Tonoose from Toledo?

Yup, the one and the same, the old sturdy cedar of Lebanon

himself.

65 years young and as strong as a bull and a heart

steeped in the traditions of the old country.

Wait till you meet him.

You'll be crazy about him.

I just can't wait to meet him.

I don't blame you.

Is this your coffee?

Mhm.

You just lost it.

Can't figure out why Uncle Tonoose is coming

to New York this time of year.

Oh yeah.

I was wondering when it was gonna happen.

Happen?

When what was gonna happen?

The inspection.

The inspection?

Mhm.

I can just see him now.

Well, so you Daniel new wife, huh?

Let me look at you.

That's nice looking woman, boy.

No?

Nice looking woman, boy, yes.

You mean, he's coming here to-- to inspect me?

Naturally.

Naturally?

Let me see.

Well, is feeling little soft for carrying water.

But is feeling good for feeling.

Just a minute!

Just a doggone minute.

Am I to understand that Uncle Tonoose

is coming here to say whether or not he approves of me?

Sweetheart, he's kind of the unofficial head of our family.

It's just an old tradition.

That's all.

Well, I like that.

Dear, it's an old custom, now, nothing to be upset about.

I mean, whenever we have a newcomer come into our family,

Uncle Tonoose comes to look 'em over.

And then he reports back to the tribe.

And after that, the newcomer's officially admitted.

Does he do that to everybody new?

Every man, woman, and child that comes into this family.

Did he do it when I was born?

Sure, you almost didn't get in.

Well, at least you made it.

I'd better keep my fingers crossed.

Wait a minute.

Iris, you got nothing to worry about.

I guarantee you the minute he lays eyes on you,

he'll give you his traditional stamp of approval.

His traditional stamp of approval?

What's that?

Well, honey, it if you were a man, he'd give you a cigar.

You mean when I was lying in my crib, I smoke a cigar

How does he show his approval of women?

You'll find out.

Now, Danny, I want to know.

How does he put his traditional stamp of approval on women?

Well, honey, it may seem a little quaint to you,

but he pinches 'em.

He pinches 'em?

That's right.

When a woman has been admitted into this family, honey,

she's got a mark to prove it.

A black and blue one.

Fix breakfast, huh?

All right.

Rusty, go help the girls set the table.

I'll start the hotcakes.

OK.

Honey.

Hm?

Sweetie, come here.

Do me a favor, will you?

Mhm.

While Uncle Tonoose is in our house,

please do not ask Rusty to do a woman's work, huh?

A woman's work?

Yeah, like setting the table or drying

the dishes, any of that stuff.

Rusty always helps at the table.

I know, but not while Uncle Tonoose

is in the house, all right?

Why?

Honey, he's an old country man, and in the old country,

men don't do things like that.

What things do men do in the old country,

outside of pinching, that is?

Look, Clancy, I don't wanna start an argument with you,

I just want him to like you.

That's all.

Now, I'm just trying to give you a few friendly hints

on how to accomplish it.

Well, I know.

And I appreciate it.

OK.

We'll have a fast breakfast, get dressed,

and rush down to that bus station to meet him.

You'd better get dressed too again.

Get dressed?

I am dressed.

No, sweetheart.

You're not gonna wear that, are you?

Don't you like it?

Oh, I think it's real nice, very nice.

But it's-- well, it's a little sophisticated.

Honey, I wish you'd wear something

a little more youthful.

Youthful?

Well, honey, you know how things are in the old country.

No, how are things in the old country?

Look, baby, in the old country, a man marries a girl

much younger than himself.

It's a nice dress.

I'm not saying you're old.

I just mean, sweetheart, that, well, I mean, you wouldn't want

Uncle Tonoose to go back home and say to all the family,

it's too bad.

Poor Danyal marry somebody's grandmother.

We wouldn't want him to say that, now, would we?

No, poor Danyal, we wouldn't want that.

So wear something that makes you look a little younger,

will you, honey?

Of course, I could wear a midi-blouse and teeth-braces.

No, you don't have to go that far.

Oh, and, honey.

What else is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you.

You're wonderful.

You're beautiful.

And I love you.

And you're just gorgeous as you are.

But you see, dear, these fellas and old country people,

they have an attitude about their women, you see.

And you're sweet.

You can do no wrong, believe me.

But while Uncle Tonoose is in the house,

would you try not to talk too much, huh?

The luckiest day of my life when I found her.

What a wonderful woman she is.

Really great.

I can't wait to see her.

You told me that at bus station.

Open the door, Danyal.

Yeah, OK.

Well, after all, Unc, I can't blame you for being excited.

She's such a fine woman and a-- a great homemaker.

A good mother.

You told me that before.

You say, hello, Uncle Tonoose.

Open the door, Danyal.

Love at first sight, the minute I saw her.

UNCLE TONOOSE: You told me that all the way home in taxicab.

Yeah, well.

$1.75 for it.

Open the door, Danyal.

Can wait to see her, Uncle Tonoose.

-- Danyal, I just think of something.

What's that?

I can't see your wife.

What do you mean you can't see my wife?

Impossible I see her.

What are you talking about?

You came all the way from Toledo to see her.

What kind of a crock is that?

How am I gonna see her if you don't open the door?

Hey, look who's here.

Uncle Tonoose!

Still like monkey, but Uncle Tonoose favorite monkey.

Oh, who is this?

No, no, no.

Sounds a little bit like my Terri.

Even looks a little bit like my Terri.

But this can't be my Terri.

My Terri just little girl.

This fine young lady.

Very happy make your acquaintance, young lady.

Oh, Uncle Tonoose.

And who is this little one?

I'm Linda.

She's our new sister.

Oh, then, you must be my new grandniece, huh?

Here, turn around.

Let me look at you.

Oh, you beautiful!

Oh, that tickles.

Yeah, it's supposed to tickle.

You, I like!

Ow!

You pinched me.

Congratulations, Linda.

You're now officially a member of the family.

Well, I see you've met your new grandniece.

Oh yes, she beautiful, Danyal.

He pinched me!

He did?

Well, you're very lucky that he did.

Hello, sweetheart.

Well, darling.

There he is.

Uncle Tonoose, my wife, Kathy.

It's nice meeting you, Uncle Tonoose.

Likewise, Danyal's new wife.

Yeah, well, wait till you get to know her, Uncle Tonoose.

You'll just love her.

You told me that 100 times already.

Well, isn't she something, huh?

Pretty lucky, out family, to have such

a beautiful girl in it, huh?

Of course, this dress does nothing for her.

Old and drab, but she's got a dress,

I mean, Tonoose, makes her look 10 years younger,

like a regular teenager.

Beautiful girl, all right.

Well?

What do you think, huh?

She's skinny.

Hey!

Don't get excited, honey.

It's all right.

I mean, Tonoose, you're not being fair.

You're not giving her a chance.

I'm not?

No, you're not.

No, I don't think you're being a bit fair.

I mean, wait and see.

In no time at all, we'll have her fattened up

like a prize heifer.

What's wrong?

What did I say?

What did I say?

I said prized, didn't I?

Honey.

Honey.

Not a word, not one word.

One, two, three.

Seven, eight, nine, ten.

Now.

How could you walk out on Uncle Tonoose like that?

How can I do a thing like that?

He's liable to think you got a temper.

Shh.

I've got news for you, Danny boy, for you

and your Uncle Tonoose.

I have got a temper

What's to be sore about?

Just because you're skinny?

I mean, because he thinks you're skinny.

Look, to an old timer like that, a woman

isn't a woman unless she outweighs

her husband by 20 pounds.

And how is she to a young timer like you?

To me, you're just right, love, just right.

Then why didn't you say so?

What?

Why didn't you say, Uncle Tonoose,

I don't think she's too skinny.

I think she's just right, instead of "we'll fatten

her up like a prize heifer."

We agreed that we wanted him to like you, didn't we?

And doesn't it matter whether or not I like him?

Well, don't you?

No!

I don't care whether or not he thinks I'm skinny.

I care what you think.

All day long, every since you heard he was coming, you've

done nothing but find fault with me, with the way I look,

the way I dress, the way I talk!

Sweetheart, I'm sorry.

Aw, come on, Clancy.

Don't do that.

I didn't mean to find fault with you.

It's just that well, he's a great guy.

And after all, the way he feels about you is important to me.

Doesn't it matter about the way we feel about each other?

Hey, honey, what kind of question is that?

That's the most important thing of all, the way

we feel about each other.

Look, honey, it's a little hard to explain,

but we're a very close family.

Even though we're spread out all over the country, Ohio, New

York, California, we still feel as close as though we

lived in the same house.

And whatever happens to one of us, happens to all of us.

And you happened to me.

Fortunately, you happened to me.

And I want them to love you as I love you.

But believe me, baby, with or without their approval,

I want you just as you are.

I wouldn't change you, not one bit.

Oh, Danyal.

Sweetheart.

Now, why don't you put on that nice green Dress

it puffs you out a little bit.

Oh!

Oh, sure.

Things are pretty good now by farm, you know.

We got almost as many cows as we got relatives.

Say, you remember cousin Salim?

Mhm.

Got married.

No.

UNCLE TONOOSE: Sure.

That old fox got married?

He must be 72 years old.

Married very good woman.

Well, that's good.

Very good.

Little old, maybe, but very good woman.

Oh, how old is she?

17.

Strong woman.

Strong as ox, that woman.

Looks a little bit like ox too.

But good thing to have strong woman around farm, you know.

Especially when mule get sick.

Kathy's very strong.

I know she doesn't look it, but she's very strong.

Strong?

Mhm.

You could pull plow?

I mean, Tonoose, she can't pull a plow.

She hasn't had any practice.

She's real good at the vacuum cleaner and stuff like that.

I mean, we live in an apartment.

We don't get any practice with a plow.

Isn't that right, dear?

Well, why don't you pour a little more coffee, honey?

Did you enjoy our dinner, Uncle Tonoose?

Yeah, it was all right, for appetizer.

Kathy!

Why don't you get some more food for Uncle Tonoose, honey?

I think he's still hungry.

Danyal, your new wife, she don't talk much.

All the time like that?

Well, you know how we train our women, Uncle Tonoose.

You said it yourself.

You said, "show me a woman with ears bigger than mouth,

and I show you a good wife," right?

Well, that's Kathy to a T.

It's not good to have woman who talk all the time,

but is worth to have woman that don't talk nothing.

Not cheerful in house.

Oh, Kathy can talk.

As a matter of fact, she talks very well.

Talk for Uncle Tonoose, dear.

I hope you enjoy your visit, Uncle Tonoose.

Won't you visit us again sometime in the summer,

and we'll all go for a ride in the country, or something.

See that?

I told you she could talk.

You call that talking?

You remember Shammeh?

Cousin Youssuf's wife?

There was woman who could talk.

Was pleasure to listen to that.

Yes, Youssuf, of course, Youssuf.

Youssuf, you absolutely right.

Anything you say, Youssuf.

That was talker!

That was wife!

I'm getting pretty sick and tired of this.

I don't know what anybody else in this family thinks,

but I don't think Uncle Tonoose has been acting very nice.

Kathy, I-- I wanna apologize for our uncle.

Ever since you came here, you've been picking on Kathy.

You don't like this, you don't like

that, you don't like anything.

Well, I like Kathy just the way she is,

and if you don't, well, that's just too darn bad.

Daddy.

You can go ahead and punish me.

You can cut off my allowance, or send me to my room,

but I've-- I've said it, and I'm glad.

Daddy, if you're gonna punish her,

you might as well punish me too.

'Cause I also love Kathy just the way she is,

and I think Uncle Tonoose has a great big nerve

coming here and picking on her.

And if you don't like my Mommy, I don't wanna be in your family

anymore.

There!

Ugh!

I gave you your pinch back.

Amm Tonoose, I'm-- I'm very much ashamed.

Oh, that's all right, Danyal.

They's only kids.

They don't know what they talking.

I'm not ashamed of the kids.

I'm ashamed of myself.

I'm ashamed because I didn't say what

they said before they said it.

I mean, I stood around and listened to you

criticize my wife all day, and never once did

I say anything in her defense.

I mean, I love you very much.

I always have, and I always will.

But I love my wife more, and I-- I don't think she's too skinny.

And I don't think she's too old.

And I don't think she talks too much or too little.

Matter of fact, I think she's perfect.

You wanna know the truth, I think I'm

the luckiest man in the world.

What's so funny?

All day I wait for you to say, Tonoose,

you like knock on head?

When you meet me by bus station this morning,

first thing you say, before you say hello,

is how wonderful is new wife.

And then coming home on taxicab, more wonderful you tell me.

Coming up in elevator, still more wonderful, more wonderful.

Like once fella tried to sell me cow.

In one hour, 17 times, he say wonderful cow, wonderful.

Ho-ho, I say, Tonoose, must be this cow have leaky faucet.

When man love woman, when she his wife, he shall be proud,

should stand by wife.

And that's why I wait.

I wait all day for you to do that.

And now when finally you stand by wife and be proud,

I say, thank you, Danyal, my nephew,

for telling your old Uncle Tonoose

keep his big mouth shut!

Oh, Uncle Tonoose, you're wonderful.

Eh, you wonderful too, my new niece.

But you skinny.

Eat.

(SINGING): I find that, day by day you're making

all of my dreams come true.

And come what may, I want you to know I'll be yours alone,

and I'm in love to stay, as we go through the years, day

by day.

That was nice, Danyal.

Now, play a Lebanese song, huh?

Oh, wait a minute now.

Ah.

Danyal.

What's that he's playing, Uncle Tonoose?

Oh, that beautiful old song, beautiful, as

old as our people, that song.

Has beautiful words too.

Well, what are the words.

Well, it's a song about a man who love a woman very much,

and they are separated.

So he climb to top of hill, and he look up at the sky,

and he sing a song about their love.

What does he sing?

I-- I can't say that in English.

Danyal, tell her.

Translate for her, huh?

Through the night, beloved, through

the long, endless night, your silhouette hovers over my mind.

Oh, that's just beautiful.

You mean your father don't sing song like that all the time

now?

Shame on you, Danyal, and you with new wife in house!

He's Irish.

They don't like music?

Of course they like music, but I mean,

she wouldn't take a Lebanese song.

By the way, where is she?

Oh, she's in the kitchen, making some coffee.

Oh?

I go help her, huh?

I teach her how to make Turkish coffee.

Oh, I'd love some Turkish coffee.

Otherwise, we're gonna get Irish coffee!

Daddy, what are the words to the rest of the song?

It's pretty deep, honey.

I mean, it isn't something you'd find around high school

or anything, but he says to her-- she's far, far away,

you know, and he sings to her.

And he says, I fear the time and distance between us.

But, my beloved, I shall be content with the time

and patient with the distance so long as that which troubles

my mind troubles yours.

KATHY: Ow!

Honey, what's the matter?

Danny, I've got news for you.

What's the matter?

I've just been officially made a member of the family.