Original subtitles

Danny, wait a minute.

Huh?

This is beautiful.

Like it?

Love it.

May I be the first to wish you a happy honeymoon, Mrs.

Williams?

Same to you, Mr. Williams.

Wait till you see the suite I got for us.

It's beautiful.

All right, darling, but first I'd better wire

Mother that we arrived safely.

OK.

I'll take of the bags.

Hey, Danny!

Danny!

Well, Hally Marvel, how are you?

I'm fine.

How about you?

-Real great, thanks. -Oh, good.

Hey, I didn't know you were booked in here.

Well, I'm not, I'm not.

I'm here on my honeymoon.

No.

That's right.

Got married yesterday.

Oh, I love you.

This place is perfect for us.

It's beautiful here.

I'm so glad we came.

Glad you like it, sweetheart.

This is an old friend of mine, Harry Marvel.

Harry, this is Terry.

Daddy, Daddy.

Sweetheart.

Hey.

When can we go horseback riding and to Lake Meade?

Take it easy.

One place at a time.

Yeah, let's get going.

We're going to have a swell honeymoon.

You bet.

You know something, Dad?

What's that?

If I knew it was going to be like this,

I would have let you get married a lot sooner.

I didn't know you had three kids.

Well, Linda here is my wife's little girl.

You bring three kids with you on your honeymoon?

Sure, why not?

Yeah, why not?

Doesn't everybody?

Daddy, can I have a dime for an ice cream cone?

No, you can't have a dime for an ice cream cone.

You'll spoil your lunch.

Oh, gee, it's just a dime.

Never mind it's just a dime.

Now go keep an eye on Linda, huh?

OK.

Darling, I got the wire out.

Good.

Harry, this is my bride.

How do you do?

How do you do?

I'll see you at the big show tonight, Danny.

What show?

The big benefit.

Everybody's going to be on, Sinatra, Jerry Lewis, Lena

Horne, and with you and act too, oh,

what a show that's going to be.

Well, Harry, I'm not going to be on that show tonight.

You're not going on, huh?

No, he's not going on.

He works hard all year long and he's entitled to a vacation.

Besides, this is our honeymoon.

That's right, Harry.

No show business this time.

Matter of fact, I'm not even going to sing in the bathtub.

Well, I'll be seeing you, Danny.

Well, see you, Harry.

Daddy.

What?

You don't have to give me a dime for an ice cream cone.

That's fine.

Just give me a nickel.

Don't be silly.

You can't get an ice cream cone for a nickel.

I know.

But a man said if I could get a nickel, he's split one with me.

A man said if you could get a nickel,

he'd split an ice cream cone with you?

-Yeah. -What man?

That man right there.

Danny, wasn't that man Jack Benny?

Of course, who else would make a deal like that?

This is beautiful.

It must be so expensive.

Well, this is our week to live it up.

After all, how often do we go on our honeymoon?

I don't know about you, but I'm ready to sign up for next year.

Let's start unpacking our things, huh?

OK.

You can put everything out on the bed

and I'll help you put it away later.

All right.

Well, what do we do first, swimming,

fishing, horseback riding?

Well first, we just stand here and let me look at you.

Satisfied?

Well-- You better be.

This firm makes no exchanges or refunds.

Well, if I'm stuck I'm stuck.

Holy smoke.

You two doing that again?

Do you mind?

I don't mind, but it sure looks silly.

Oh, what's the matter honey?

Daddy, are you ready?

Ready for what?

Well, you said you were going to take us to Hoover Dam.

Oh yeah, sure, sure we're going.

Well, we better hurry up before that Mr. Marvel talks

you into doing another show.

Now let's get one thing straight.

Nobody is going to talk me into doing any shows.

Want to bet?

Yeah, and you'd lose too.

I mean, I didn't come here to stand before a mob of people,

telling jokes.

I came here for a honeymoon.

Sure, sure.

The fact that there are two shows on every other block

had nothing to do with it.

Certainly it had nothing to do with it.

I came here because everybody knows us.

They'll roll out the red carpet for us.

Yeah, roll it out on the stage, hit it with a spotlight,

and you're on.

Come on, in you go.

Daddy?

What?

Can I drive?

No, I'm afraid not.

Can I help you steer?

No, dear.

These highways are kind of dangerous.

You better not.

I know.

Can I sit up in front and make the windshield wipers work?

You don't have to have the windshield wipers.

It's not going to rain.

Some honeymoon.

Shell.

I think I left the keys on the dresser.

I did.

I won't be but a minute, honest.

I'll be right back.

Danny!

Oh, hello, Charlie.

How are you?

Fine, how are you?

Good.

Hey you down here to do the big benefit?

No, no, Charlie, as a matter of fact, I'm here on my honeymoon.

You're honeymooning?

That's wonderful.

Say, who'd you marry?

Is she in show business?

No, Charlie, she's a nurse.

But look, the family's waiting for me out in the car.

I'll call you later tonight and fill you in on the whole thing,

OK? -Sure, sure.

Oh, just a minute, Danny, before you go,

I want you to hear a story I heard the other day.

I haven't got time.

Oh, maybe you can use it in your act, Dan.

All right, all right.

OK, but make it fast, will you?

Yeah, OK.

This fellow goes in to buy a canary, see?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Charlie, is this the story where a fellow goes to a pet store

and buys a canary, gets it home and discover

it's got a broken leg.

Then he runs back to the pet store

and he starts screaming and complaining to the shopkeeper?

And the shopkeeper says, wait a minute.

What are you complaining about?

So the canary's got a broken leg.

You said you wanted a singer, not a dancer.

Good story.

You heard it, huh?

Where do you think you heard it?

I been telling it for years.

Yeah?

I used to do it just ahead of the baker shop routine.

Don't you remember?

The ba-- oh, that's a wonderful-- do me a favor.

Tell Martha.

You know you kill my wife. -I haven't got time.

Come on.

Really, I haven't got time.

How are you, Martha? -Hello, Danny.

How nice to see you.

Excuse me, I really have to go.

Danny, I'm laughing already.

I'm hot.

I'm thirsty.

Hope they have some water at Hoover Dam.

Maybe we better go look for him, Cathy.

I was just thinking the same thing.

Come on.

Oh, Danny, I loved that.

Tell another.

Tell the one about the man in the fish market.

Oh no, Danny, tell about the man in the Chinese restaurant.

The one about the man who goes in to buy a lobster.

No, Danny, tell the one about the man

who left his family waiting in the car for 30 minutes.

Holy smoke.

Honey, wait, wait.

Don't go, Danny.

No, please.

You have to tell us another one.

Honey.

Wait a minute, will you?

Listen, I can explain.

Will you wait a minute?

Will you please wait a minute?

Look, Cathy, I'm sorry, darling, but a friend of mine stopped me

and well, he started me telling jokes,

and people gathered around and, you know how it is,

Terry, sweetheart, when people get Daddy like that and, look,

it won't happen again.

I'm sorry.

Now will you forgive me?

Well, look, I said I'm sorry.

Leaving us in the car.

For 30 minutes.

In the hot sun.

I forgive you, Daddy.

I forgive you too.

Well, I guess I do too.

I think I'll stay mad for a while.

Well, you can stay mad for a while.

Look, why don't you all go back to the car?

I'll go get the keys and I'll be right with you.

All right? -No, you won't.

This time, we'll all go get the keys.

Yeah, we're going to know where you are.

All right, all right.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to descend

into the interior of the second largest man

made structure in the world.

Built and owned by the American taxpayers.

Now, that means you, ladies and gentlemen.

In other words, you own this dam.

Well, if I own this dam, how come I'm sending

myself such big electric bills?

Very funny, fella.

Say, aren't you Danny Williams?

No, no, I'm not.

His name is Homer Canfield.

That's right.

From Des Moines, Iowa.

He's in the Hawaiian shirt business.

I forgive you, Daddy.

You can't kid me.

I'd know you any place.

Hey, folks, look who we've got here, Danny Williams.

How about telling us the one about the girls?

Because, you see, my family's here.

Some other time, hey, folks?

Oh, wait a minute.

That's not all we taxpayers own.

We own all the national parks, too,

don't we, like Yosemite and Sequoia and Yellowstone?

All the national parks belong to us.

And right in front of every one of these national parks

is a great big sign that reads, no smoking, no picknicking,

no hunting, no fishing, no camping,

no open fires, no cooking.

This is your national parks.

Enjoy yourselves.

Oh, honey, honey are you ready?

Dear?

Sweetheart?

Don't you want to go down the elevator

and see the bottom of the dam?

Hey.

Now will you please just wait a minute?

Cathy.

Honey, listen, I-- I-- I couldn't help it.

Cathy.

Terry?

Look at it this way, honey.

It's part of the profession.

There are a lot of professional men here in a vacation.

But I don't see any doctors running around, saying, excuse

me, I haven't anything to do.

May I take out your tonsils?

Oh, honey.

Yeah, tell me one plumber who spends his vacation

looking for a leaky faucet.

Or a dentist who goes around pulling teeth.

Well, everybody's had a crack at me.

You got something to add to that, Linda?

I forgive you, Daddy.

Terry, take the kids into the car, will you?

We'll be right with you.

OK.

Come on, Rusty.

I guess I'm just a ham, huh?

Guess you are.

It's not because I want to be, honest.

People come around and they asked

me to sing or tell a joke or something,

I can't turn them down, honey.

I mean, look, I want people to like me.

It's important to me.

Isn't your honeymoon important to you?

Now, what kind of a question is that?

If my honeymoon wasn't important me,

would I turn down a big benefit tonight?

You know that's the most important event

of the whole year around here?

You mean you're really not going to go in that show

tonight?

Of course I'm not.

Honey, we're going to be there tonight,

but part of the audience.

That's all, not part of the show.

And after dinner, we'll have some champagne sent up

to the suite, and it will be just you

and I, a groom and his bride.

Well--

Tomorrow we'll spend the whole day with the children.

We'll go horseback riding and fishing.

OK?

Will you promise me something?

What?

If we go fishing tomorrow and three bass

stick their heads out of the water,

you won't spend 20 minutes telling them jokes.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

You um-- Mary, don't you think perhaps you're

overdoing it just a little?

Isn't she big for 12?

We want to thank you very much.

You have been very generous and we do

want to thank all of you that have written

in such nice letters whenever we sit in for the inestimable

Arthur Godfrey.

And incidentally, there is no truth to the rumor

that Arthur disappeared in Africa because something

he disagreed with ate him.

He's back doing business in the same old chair.

And Mary, if I'm not mistaken, we have sort of

overlooked a very famous celebrity in the audience

this evening, a man that is known to you

all through the production of the fabulous New York Post,

the one the only, from Ohio, Mr. Earl

Wilson and his beautiful BW sitting right here.

Thank you.

Earl has a crew haircut, but part of the crew

is bailing out, I can tell you.

You've been very nice in another celebrity that we definitely

have overlooked and we cannot overlook for another moment,

one of America's brilliant young comedians,

ladies and gentleman, just married, Danny Williams.

Give him a big hand here.

Danny!

AUDIENCE: Come on, get up there, Danny.

AUDIENCE: We want Danny.

AUDIENCE: Come on now, get up.

AUDIENCE: Come on, Dan, tell us a story.

AUDIENCE: Come on.

AUDIENCE: Come on, Danny, let's go.

We want Danny.

We want Danny.

AUDIENCE: Danny.

What do I do now?

CROWD CHANTING: We want Danny.

We want Danny.

We want Danny.

Do what you want to, Danny.

Cathy, this is kind of hard to explain

but it's not just what I want do it's what I have to do.

Here he comes.

Healing Hayes and Mary Healy They're wonderful.

Thank you Peter, thank you for your good wishes.

And thank you to ladies and gentlemen for wanting me.

Believe me, I want to be wanted by you.

Every performer does.

And every performer lives in dread fear of the day

when you will no longer want him.

You're a very important fellow, Mr. Johnnie Q. public .

And I'm corny enough to tell you that.

You know, it's no different now than it was in the days

of the ancient Romans, thumbs up,

we live, put your thumbs down and we die.

So I don't want you to think I was

being coy when you applauded so lustily

and I didn't come on up.

It's just that I-- well, I sort of promised

my bride this would be a honeymoon,

and not a busman's holiday.

But since I'm up here, I'd like to tell you that she's

never seen me perform.

As a matter of fact, she knows very

little about show business.

She was a nurse and since she's never seen me perform,

I don't think I'm ever going to get a better audience

than this one right here.

So please make me look good in her eyes if you don't mind.

Now, there is an outside chance you

may hear a new joke tonight.

I'd like you to do me a favor.

Don't tell it to anybody.

I mean, let them hear me tell it first.

Now let's be honest.

You people lately, you're always butting into our business.

And we don't butt into your business.

Show business is tough.

It takes more than nerve and a tuxedo to get on a stage,

you know.

We work real hard.

We figure out the material and make it palatable for you,

and what happens?

You steal our jokes.

You run and you tell your friends.

Then your friends come and here me and they

say, how do you like that?

Stole it from Herman.

There are too many Hermans running around loose.

We got a butcher back home.

His name is Max Gottlieb, a Pennsylvania Dutchman.

He will do anything to get a laugh.

Would you think a butcher would go for jokes?

In the display counter, the pigs' feet

are wearing open toed wedgies.

That's nothing.

He's got an assistant, a chicken flicker.

They call him, Mo, the flicker.

Plucks feathers from chickens, this fella.

Happens to be a frustrated ventriloquist.

So if you should ask, is this chicken fresh killed?

The chicken says, Schmo, can't you see I'm still bleeding?

I was at a benefit not so long ago

and there was one woman absolutely hysterical

with laughter.

She had the funniest laugh you ever heard in your whole life.

I know I wasn't that funny and she made me such a big man

because people were laughing at her laugh.

And I happened to be on a stage at the time.

So I walked over after the show to thank her,

and she said, ah, you don't know, you don't know.

You remind me so much of my nephew, Arthur.

Tells the same jokes.

And who's her nephew Arthur?

Turns out he is Arthur Finnegan, a spot remover in a cleaning

and dying establishment.

Here's a fella, takes spots from dirty clothes,

kills his fellow employees with my jokes.

So they all came to the benefit, not to see Danny Williams,

but to see to the fellow with the hook

nose who does the impersonation of Arthur Finnegan.

And I had a fight with a barber, an Italian barber.

I never heard a dialect like that in my whole life.

And what a fight we had over a story.

I just went in to get a haircut, but we had a fight

over a story that belongs to me, a story called The Lochs story.

And the story, very briefly, for those who've never heard it,

a woman walks into a delicatessen.

She says, I would like to have some lochs.

The fellow say, how much lochs would you like?

She say, go ahead, cut, cut.

So he cut a few slices.

He said, this will make a nice lunch for you and your husband.

She's said, cut, cut.

So he cut.

So he cut some more slices.

He said, maybe it's company you're having for dinner.

Cut.

Cut.

He stopped.

He said, lady, you want all that lochs,

she said, neh, the next two slices.

Now, that's my story.

All right.

Now you know, belongs to me, that story.

So I go in to get a haircut and this barber looks at me

and he said, your name Danny Williams, no?

You didn't get that, did you?

I didn't think you did.

He said, your name is Danny Williams, no?

He said, my name is Danny Williams, yes.

He said, I cut your shoes.

No, he didn't mean he cut my shoes,

he meant he caught my show.

I better say it a little slower because you're

not getting it either.

Do much lower he said, I cut you shoes.

I see your tell this lochs story too.

I said, what do you mean, I tell this lochs story too?

I'm the only one who tells the lochs story.

It belongs to me.

He said, belongs to you.

I tell this story long time now.

I no like the way you tell it.

He says to me, you tell it with a dialect.

I like tell it straight.

Thank you very much.

You're just a great audience.

And I can't tell you how much your applause

has warmed my heart.

I've been out here a long time, though,

and I've taken advantage of your good nature,

but then like I said, your applause is heartwarming.

And you have no idea how beneficial is for my arthritis.

And I do want to thank you.

But before this gets to be one of those all night marathons,

do you have an arpeggio in B flat?

Thank you.

(SINGING) Let me sing a happy song, with crazy words that

roll along.

And if my song can start you laughing, I'm happy, so happy.

Let me sing a sad refrain of broken hearts

that loved in vain.

And if my song can start you crying, I'm happy.

Oh, let me croon the low down blues,

start you tapping your feet.

And if my song can reach your shoes

and lift you out of your seat, I'm happy.

Oh, let me sing song of cotton

fields and Mammy's arms.

And if my song can make you homesick, I'm happy.

Oh, George.

Where did my family go?

Well, I don't know, Mr. Williams.

They just got up and left.

Hm.

Well, can't say that I blame them.

I promised I wouldn't get up and I did anyhow.

Well, if that's the way I'm going to treat

her on our honeymoon, what kind of a marriage can she expect,

huh?

Is there something wrong, Mr. Williams?

No, no, George.

I just had the shortest honeymoon

on record, that's all.

I had to put the kids to bed.

You're not mad?

Only at myself.

Hm?

I fall in love with a guy because of the kind of a guy

he is, and then I start right out trying to change him.

Danny, I want you to know that I learned something tonight.

I learned that a performer doesn't

belong to just one person.

It's like a doctor.

When his patient calls, he's got to go to him,

no matter what he's doing.

And I guess it's the same way with a performer.

When his audience calls, he's got to go

and that's the way it should be.

Look, Cathy--

No, please let me finish, Danny.

I want you to know that I'm proud to be part of it all.

I'm proud to be the wife of Danny Williams,

the entertainer, who holds an audience

right in the palm of his hands.

Oh, honey.

But I want you to remember one thing.

What's that?

I'm the only one you hold in your arms.

I love you.

I love you too.