Original subtitles

Sure this is the, uh, A.A. meeting he’s at?

Yep.

Guy | used to sponsor said he’s been here every day

since the funeral.

Said he’s talking about how angry he still is.

Yeah, of course, about Ellie’s death.

That.

And us drinking at the funeral.

And the wake.

And in the church during the funeral Mass.

Jesus.

What an all-time goddamn low.

Yeah.

As opposed to having sex in a church

while you’re still a priest.

Those were the days.

Are you kidding?

| consider that to be a personal all-time high.

Hey, here he comes. Let me do the talking. Ah ah.

Hey. Hey, Ted.

How you doin’?

Teddy, hold on a minute, will you? Come on.

Hey, how was the meeting, buddy?

We-- We just--

We feel a little responsibility here, you know?

| mean, Ellie, right? And, you know, | wish--

We wish, you know, and it’s like-- Listen.

What I’m trying to say is, you know,

it’s like I-- | wouldn’t blame you

if you wanted to haul off a-and hit me.

[GRUNTS]

You all right? You okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Be careful what you wish for, huh? Heh.

Listen, kid, you got nothing to feel guilty about.

What happened with Ellie

was all my fault.

Not you, not Tom. Me.

Then what'd you hit me for?

| needed the release.

Listen, personally | feel a little guilty,

because | think | was pouring heavy that night.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

No one put the bottle back in her hand but me.

That goddamn rediscover-the-love bullshit | was up to,

it was just me being selfish.

| wanted to drink again,

because | was miserable without the booze.

Well, get a goddamn load of me now,

misery incarnate head to toe.

| was the one who let her go to pick up that stupid goddamn dog.

| never even wanted that goddamn shit machine.

| only said yes to the idea

so she’d shut up her goddamn yap about it.

Now she’s dead,

and | got a four-legged asshole Pomeranian

who won't stop yapping its goddamn neuticles off.

Neuti-- neuticles? Fake balls.

She had ’em put in when they cut the real balls off.

Said it would help Cupcake with his self-esteem.

She was worried about his self-esteem

and she called him Cupcake?

She was all about the contradictions!

Jesus, Mick.

| might as well have put a bullet in her head

the day | started drinkin’ again,

so it’s me | gotta straighten out.

And, you guys--

You guys just don’t worry yourself about all this.

Okay? | love you guys.

See you, Ted.

[THE VON BONDIES’ "C’MON, C’MON" PLAYING]

On another day C’mon, c’mon f

With these ropes tied tight Can we do no wrong? J

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now it’s gone

Things were good When we were young f

~ When my teeth bite down | can see the blood J

J Of a thousand men Who have come and gone f

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now it’s gone

Things were good When we were young f

Ils it safe to stay? J ~C’mon, c’mon f

? Was it right to leave? J ~C’mon, c’mon J

< Will | ever learn? I ~C’mon, c’mon f

~ C’mon, c’mon C’mon, c’mon J

She has the baby happy, home,

and healthy for six months.

Wakes up one day. Baby’s coughing, uneasy.

She thinks it’s colicky. She takes it to the doctor.

Ahem. 24 hours later, the baby is dead.

Bad heart.

Aw, Jesus Christ.

Marriage fell apart. Changed her whole life. You know.

If there is a God, he’s a pretty sick individual.

Mm.

Explains, though, why she ran in to get that box.

Probably... Well, yeah.

Only memory she has. Was all she had.

Ah, that’s terrible.

Awtul. Did you bang her?

What? You smashed down her door.

No, | didn’t bang her. It’s a legitimate question.

Let me explain something to you.

Sex was the last thing on my mind. | go in there.

This woman has a psychological breakdown,

okay? You know what | did? | held her.

That’s what | did. | held her.

It was like a-- Like a-- A healing process.

And I'll tell you something.

lf you’d walked in in the middle of it,

you wouldn't have known if | was holding her

or if she was holding me.

It w-- That’s-- That’s how incredible the experience was.

That’s pretty touching.

Yeah. It was, actually.

Did you have a boner?

[SIGHS]

| just explained to you what basically, for me,

was like a religious experience, okay?

l-- It was...

Yes, | had the biggest boner.

Mm-hm.

It was like a-- It was weird.

It was like a-- Like a-- It was like an empathy boner.

It was-- Mm.

A-And, |I-- You know, | coul-- No place to put it.

Hey, do me a favor. Don’t mention--

Because I-- | told Kelly--

It’s such a personal, private thing.

Obviously you’re my best friend, | tell you everything, but she--

You don’t tell anybody about what | just told you.

About the empathy boner?

About the baby. That’s--

Oh, yeah.

But-- But | could talk about the boner?

| mean, if it comes up.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

What’s goin’ on? Did you just, uh,

hear what we were just talking about?

| don’t know. What were you talking about?

Boners.

Why were you talking about boners?

Because we could talk about whatever we want.

Got seniority in this house. We sometimes talk about boners,

giant boners, boners we got, boners we’re hoping to have.

We were talking about boners.

Hello? Franco’s upstairs.

Who?

Whoa.

First time for everything, | guess.

Yeah. I’m looking for Tommy Gavin.

’'m Tommy Gavin.

Hi. Hi.

Okay, | don’t know what this is about,

but do not tell your mother

or anybody about this.

Hi. Hey.

All right, wait. Is this a stripper-gram thing?

If this is a stripper-gram thing,

give me a minute, | gotta activate my cell-phone camera.

This is one of those stripper-grams.

Get the phone ready. Take a picture.

LOU: Can't work it. Can | give you this?

You can give me whatever you want.

Great. Thanks.

Heh. Tommy Gavin?

Yes.

You’ve been served. Have a nice day.

You gotta be shittin’ me.

Sometimes you guys just make the job so easy. Thanks.

T-Turn the camera off, please.

This is what makes me pine for the old days,

when all the process servers were men.

There was a lot less danger of fallin’ for a pretty face.

You were looking at her face?

What'd they nail you with?

Divorce papers.

It's about freakin’ time.

LOU: You okay? Yeah.

LOU: Jesus Christ. That’s it?

"Yeah"? This event has been hovering over your--

Your life for so many years, it finally happens,

that’s all y-you got is a one-syllable response?

Jesus Christ.

I’m good.

Heh-heh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you’re good.

And I’ve known you long enough to know

that right now the wheels are already spinning,

and you’re planning your secret evil plan

to get revenge on your soon-to-be ex-Mrs. Gavin.

Bingo. | love it when I’m right.

Wait. Why do you gotta get revenge? What do you care?

| thought you were banging that Kelly chick.

Who said | was banging Kelly?

| called her the other day to ask her out,

and she said that you two were, uh--

you had a thing or you have a thing going on,

so that’s why | backed down.

Please tell me that you did not mention anything

about the thing to your mother.

No. He answered too quickly.

I-I’m not gonna ask you again.

Well, let me think. Yeah.

It's unbelievable. Un--

Let me-- Let me guess.

It was on goddamn laundry night, wasn’t it?

Uh-- Hey. Gak-gak-gak.

What do you want?

Sit down, because, uh, we got a problem.

Oh, we have a huge problem, all right,

and it’s sitting in front of me in a cheap cotton polyblend.

I’m only gonna say this once.

Sit down, or | will kick you in the vagina.

And you know | will.

Never, ever reference my vagina

ever again, ever.

Now, what do you want?

Okay, So look.

We loathe each other, but let’s admit it.

We’re also kind of enjoying

this death struggle over who gets Tommy,

which is also sort of like

fighting to see who gets the Ebola virus.

Um, you know, one of us is gonna win.

One of us is gonna lose.

Them’s the rules, and we are fine with them,

except now the rules have changed,

because we have an interloper. We have a trespasser.

| know about the new chick.

Kelly something. And of course she has to have

the quintessential goddamn Irish name.

He is so goddamn predictable.

Well, you don’t seem that concerned about it.

You know, when push comes to shove, |’m pretty confident

that he’s finally gonna come to his senses,

especially since I’m about to shove him

in the right direction.

| just served him divorce papers.

What a coincidink,

because | am about to serve him

with these.

I’m leaving.

She lost a child.

What?

She had a baby few years ago, and it only lived for, like,

a month or two months or something. | don’t know.

Damian didn’t really hear the whole thing, but anyway,

it’s supposed to be this huge secret,

and she opened up to Tommy,

of all people.

So you see,

it’s not just a sex thing anymore, okay,

it’s a grief connection.

Just like he has with you,

and just like he has with me.

[SIGHS]

So, what do we do?

We’re gonna 86 her.

What, kill her? Oh, my God.

If | didn’t think that you would break under pressure

and blab everything to the police like a little pussy,

then yeah, | would consider that,

except we are gonna kill her

with kindness and concern, okay?

Tommy is a maniac. He has hurt us both very badly.

We’re gonna go, talk to her, we're gonna warn her,

and we are gonna scare the ever-loving shit out of her.

Agreed?

Agreed. When do we do this?

Here is the address. Meet me in front of her place in two hours.

Damian had that written down. | was kind of snooping.

Mm. Mm!

One more thing before | forget.

| can’t believe | almost forgot this.

This is really important.

Janet, please,

do not forget your...

[IN SQUEAKY VOICE] ... vagina.

[SCOFFS]

Sit down.

Uh, if ’'d Known | was gonna have company,

| would have got dressed.

Just got back from pilates.

Oh, yeah. | heard of those. You get results?

I’ve never actually done any of the exercises.

My instructor is this Greek guy with an amazing ass,

so he shows me the moves,

and then | pretend to pull a hamstring, and he stretches me.

Just give me two seconds to get dressed.

SHEILA: Oh, no, no. You look great.

Two seconds. Help yourself to some wine.

Oh. Thank you!

That’s very kind of you.

She’s a mutt.

Yeah, she’s a brunette. That’s a big part of it.

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

She’s got those squinty little eyes. That’s attractive.

You know, | thought she was kind of cute.

She’s cute like a boy. She has a figure like a 2-by-4.

She has a great ass. What, you looked?

Of course | looked. You always check out the enemy’s ass.

At least, | do.

Guess that means you've checked out mine.

You know, Tommy likes the shape.

He didn’t mention the size?

You know, | quit smoking.

How’s the wine?

Oh, it--

It’s good. It tastes like chicken.

Really? SHEILA: Yeah.

And I’m not one of those people that gets other tastes in wine.

Licorice, butterscotch, all that bullshit.

It all just pretty much tastes like booze to me.

Tastes good to me.

Listen,

Kelly,

you have a really beautiful place here,

and you are an attractive enough lady.

Although, they have this new thing. It’s a laser thing

that just kinda lifts the eyes, just a little thing.

You heard of that? No? Nothing?

So we know that you've been

spending a lot of time with Tommy.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

And, um, we don’t know you,

but, uh, let’s say you saw someone driving the wrong way

down a one-way street. You'd honk your horn, right?

Or if they were about to walk off the side of a cliff,

you'd speak up.

Which is why we’re here.

Zzt. Just keep drinking, all right?

Tommy’s a good-lookin’ guy, and we, more than anybody,

we can understand how you'd be wowed by--

Actually, | think he’s kind of scrawny.

Oh? And pretty beat-up.

| mean, breathe on him the wrong way, you break a bone, right?

[CHUCKLES] [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, she’s funny too.

Tommy’s really screwed up.

He’s a bottomless pit of anger

and, um, kind of destroys

anybody that he comes into contact with, you know?

And what kind of people would we be, really,

if we didn’t warn you?

What was your name again?

Oh, that is Sheila. | could do it!

My name is Sheila.

So you’re the ex-wife?

Gonna be. Soon.

Listen, girls,

| don’t wanna be a bad hostess,

but | think | can wrap this up real quick.

Uh, | Know Tommy is damaged. He’s a goddamn train wreck.

And while | appreciate your concern, you two strike me

as a couple of ladies

who found a really

lousy thrill ride at a shitty carnival.

But it’s your lousy ride and your shitty carnival,

so you'll be goddamned if anybody’s gonna cut the line,

hop on, and take a spin.

Really?

Because, uh, you strike me as the kind of lady who,

if she wasn't already spinning on top of Tommy,

would be smart enough to haul ass

in any direction that he wasn’t.

Not that it’s any of your business, but | haven’t, um,

spun him yet.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, yeah, right. | haven't.

What we did, it was-- It was, uh, private.

Oh, cut the shit.

What are you talkin’ about? You’re talkin’ about head?

It wasn’t head.

Well, if you didn’t sleep with him,

and you didn't go down on him,

w-what else is there? Uh, yoga?

[BOTH LAUGH]

He held me.

| was having a moment, and he held me.

Uh, j-just wait a minute. Um...

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Head" or "held"?

Held.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Head-- Head | can understand,

but not held.

When you say, "held,"

you mean he held you down, right?

because me and him, we do that all the time.

Uh, me too. Huh.

No. He hugged me.

He comforted me.

Bullshit.

This is my Tommy Gavin that we’re talking about?

And my, Tommy Gavin?

Evil smile, complicated eyes, girl hair?

Yeah, Tommy Gavin, he don’t hug.

Well, he hugged me.

And while this has been a major blast,

| have a meeting downtown that | have to get to,

so I’m going to have to ask you to come back another time,

like possibly never, and | sure hope that wasn’t too bitchy.

Nope, not too bitchy, just bitchy enough.

Great. I’ll let you guys see yourselves out, then.

And again, thank you for your concern, but I’m a big girl.

| can take care of myself.

Sorry to hear about your daughter.

What?

Did-- You had a baby girl that died, right?

Um, Janet had a son that died, and | had a miscarriage myself.

It’s, um-- It’s tough stuff.

Who told you that?

I’m sorry. What?

Who told you that?

Who do you think?

Tried to warn you.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Yeah, and | can’t believe that you brought up the baby.

| mean, that is too low, even for you.

Oh, you really screwed that up.

Um, | had to screw it up,

because | was the only one in there. Where the hell were you?

Oh, where was |? Yeah.

Oh, I'll tell you where | was. | was taking the high road.

You were taking the highball road.

That's what you were doing.

| always wondered why you married a drunk, and now | know.

It’s because you happen to be one yourself!

Oh, you take that back.

| will not, you big, fat lush. Take that back.

Oh! Oh, my God! You pushed me! [LAUGHS]

You pushed me! Uh-huh. Oh!

[JANET GROANS]

Ow!

Oh, you bitch.

You think you can mess with me?

Aah! Oh, my God.

Did you just throw your shoe at me? What are you, 5?

Ow. My ass.

All right, you wanna throw? We'll throw some things.

ll throw something. Oh.

Oh, yeah! How about this, huh?

You wanna throw? You wanna go?

Oh, yeah? Bring it on.

Do you want me to bring it on? I’m gonna bring it on. Unh!

Oh. Oh, oh, oh.

[CAR ALARM BLARING] Oh!

Nice toss.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Whoa, stop it! What are you two doin’? Stop!

Get off! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Get off! Stop it! Both of you, stop!

Who the hell are you? Get the hell out of here.

Excuse me. What?

Where did you get that bra?

Get that out of my face.

[CAR ALARM BLARING]

[MAN GRUNTING]

[SHEILA GRUNTING]

[SIREN APPROACHING]

Ah. Run, you moron!

Oh, hey, thanks for getting my shoe.

[MAN GROANS]

Hey. Hi.

Can | come in? No.

Do me a favor, all right?

Forget | live here. Forget my name. Just forget all of it.

What’s going on? What's going on is

just when | think | am the smartest goddamn broad

| would ever have the pleasure of meeting,

| go and do something stupid like tell you about my kid.

And you were so comforting and so simpatico,

and I’m just wondering which one you told first.

| don’t know what you're talking about.

Which one did you tell first, you goddamn liar,

your girlfriend or your wife?

They were both here. They knew the whole story.

They-- They were here? I’m gonna guess the girlfriend,

because she was really loaded for bear.

Okay, okay. Let me-- Let me come in and explain.

W-Wait. Okay. All right, | told--

| told one person. | told Lou.

Okay? And that’s only because-- You met him

at the firehouse. He’s my best friend,

and he had seen the box at the fire--

Oh, so, what, Lou told Sheila? No. There’s no way.

Lou would never tell-- What happened?

Well, they came here. We had a nice little girl chat.

They sucked down a bottle of my wine,

insulted me and each other, then they went outside and had

knockdown-dragout fight for all the neighborhood to see.

That’s them. Yeah.

Well, Tommy, you know what? This is over.

| cannot take the chance of turning into one of them.

That little one, Jesus, she was like Joe Pesci with tits.

You know, you should just go back to your ex-wife.

At least she seems like a happy drunk.

She served me with divorce papers.

Okay, then. | guess you only have one choice.

You.

No. Joe Pesci.

You really think that’s the chick

I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with?

Yeah. You know-- You know--

You know, the rest of your life, Tommy,

is gonna be a goddamn circus,

and she’s the ringmaster.

So why don’t you do us all a favor and just give in?

W-What--?

[SOFT GRUNT]

[SCREAMING]

Shh. Shh. Oh, my God!

[GRUNTING] Shh.

Oh, my God. It’s okay. It’s okay.

[SHEILA LAUGHS]

It’s okay. It’s okay. You scared me.

There you go. [LAUGHING]

Okay.

What? Wh--?

Yeah.

Here.

[CHUCKLES]

TOMMY: Too tight? SHEILA: Mm-mm.

How’s that?

Good. You all right?

Yes.

[LAUGHS]

You know,

don’t know why...

...It took me so long...

Mm.

...to figure out.

[PANTS]

Mm.

...that you...

Mm.

...are the one.

So hang on.

| got a surprise.

You're gonna like this.

Oh, my God.

This is just like a dream.

Actually, I’ve had this dream.

[CHUCKLES]

Get in here! What are you doing?!

So, ahem.

How long would you say

it would take you to replace

all these pills, ballpark?

Uh, a goddamn long time.

| told you it’s like two different shrinks,

three different doctors,

four different stories, | think. Why?

So basically we’re talking, ahem, a minimum of two days?

You know, between the phone calls

and the emergency shrink appointments

and more phone calls,

not to mention the terror sweats.

And also my withdrawals. What of it?

Oh, yeah. Withdrawals.

Yeah.

Completely forgot about the--

[GIGGLES]

Withdrawals.

Yeah.

With-drawl-els.

Hey, what are you doing

with my pills? [WATER SPLASHES]

[STRIKES MATCH]

What? Hey, hey, hey.

Hey!

What are you--? Oh, shit!

How dare you touch my pills?

Stop it! Put it out! Put it out! Put it out!

Tommy.

Oh. What are you doing?

What are you doing? Don't!

Stop it.

Don’t. Cut it out. That’s not funny. Don't.

Mm-hm. It’s not funny, Tommy.

Tommy! Oh! Oh!

Don't. It’s not funny.

Ah, stop it.

Tommy, this is not funny. Don’t!

You stupid idiot!

Cut it out.

[SOBBING]

[SIGHS]

The next time you

wanna take something that belongs to me

and squeeze all the hope and breath

and the promise out of it,

terror sweats will be the least of your problems.

Okay?

See you.

Wait. Wait, wait. Wait.

No wait. Wait.

Wait!

[SOBBING]

Tommy!

You know, this is insanity, which | know is--

Is business as usual for you,

but for the rest of us here on planet Earth--

Don’t tell me that you are thinking of backing out.

| was never in, dipshit. The only reason

why | came out here tonight was to try to talk some sense

into that thick Irish skull of yours.

Tommy, may | remind you that kidnapping is a federal offense?

Okay. You know you happen to be Katy’s favorite uncle?

Oh, that’s great. She can come visit me in prison.

I’m not moving, Tom.

Okay. It’s fine.

| don’t need you. | can do this by myself.

Since I’m the only one in the car with any balls,

| am gonna get out right now and do it by myself, okay?

Lou?

God, you-- Aah!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Christ. Holy--

Jesus, Mary, Joseph. Katy, what are you doing here?

| saw you pull up a while ago.

| thought you were some guys cruising for gay sex.

No! We're not.

Why would--?

| saw a documentary about AIDS on PBS.

Why--? This is why we’re taking her,

because the-- Your mother should--

So you’re, like, kidnapping me?

No, we’re not gonna--

Listen, first of all, a father cannot kidnap his own child.

That’s not legally possible.

Well, actually, Daddy,

unless you have legal custody rights, you could be charged--

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re kidnapping you.

But it’s not what you think. Oh, Christ.

It’s more like a bonding thing.

Me and you, and Colleen, we’re gonna bond.

We’re gonna be in the same apartment and bond.

You know, | mean, | Know you love Mom, but--

Not really. No?

Mom’s a total raving bitch.

And where’s her judgment?

Remember that Dwight guy in the wheelchair?

Who brings a freak like that

into a young child’s home environment?

Get me out of here.

| wasn’t gonna say anything about the Dwight--

LOU: You should have. Honey, oh. Oh.

Uh...

What about-- Don’t you have to pack a bag?

You can buy me whatever | need.

Right. What about the babysitter?

Oh, don’t worry. When she went downstairs to check the laundry,

| locked her in the basement. Oh. And what-- The baby?

| gave him two teaspoons of Benadryl. He’s out like a light.

God, Tommy.

[SIGHS]

You must be so proud.

[SIGHS]

All right, boys, the doors are locked.

Hatches are battened down.

We’re officially in staff-only drinkin’ mode.

All right, before we, uh, start imbibing in earnest,

I’d like the floor.

To Ellie. May God kiss and rest her soul.

Amen to that. And, Tom,

if | could just add, to Teddy.

Goddamn rock.

Mount goddamn Rushmore.

It’s inspirational.

Absolutely.

He owes me 800 bucks.

For chrissakes. For what?

For the pipers.

You know, whoever’s job it was to pay the pipers, you know,

t-they forgot, or who knows,

but, you know, the lead guy corners me,

says he needs the money.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Jesus Christ. Who the hell’s that, King goddamn Kong?

No. He drinks at a bar down by the Empire State Building.

We’re closed! TEDDY: Open up. It’s me.

Jeez. It’s Teddy. NEEDLES: Listen. Everybody be

as upbeat as possible, okay?

Good. Now, listen. Don’t mention the friggin’ money.

Franco, you gorgeous hunk of man meat, you.

ALL: Teddy! TEDDY: How you doin’, boys?

How’s your ball sacks?

How’s your wife, Lou? Oh, great.

| stole all her money, and | kicked her out.

Ha-ha! Just as well.

That marriage had as much chance as me bangin’ Charlize Theron.

Heh-heh. Hey, Tom,

give me ten glasses here, best Irish whiskey.

Ten? TEDDY: Make ’em large too,

three fingers.

What’s the good word, Eddie? Uh...

| wasn’t gonna bring this up,

but since you're in such good spirits, um,

| Kinda got stuck payin’ for the pipers

for the funeral. | mean,

not to bring up that sad subject, but, uh,

it was $800.

You know, it was $800 | wasn’t planning on spending,

so I’m sorry, Teddy, but if you could write me a check

or if you got the cash--

Heh. You know what? | can-- | can write it off.

I'll write it off.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

It’s on me, all right?

No worries, brother. No worries.

Hey, Ted.

Yeah, Mick?

Is, uh-- Is that a lighter?

No.

Enjoy the drinks you have in your hands, boys,

because after that, the only thing

you're pourin’ down your gullet tonight

is ginger ale or coffee.

You won’t go to A.A.., I'll bring A.A. to you.

Yeah.

| just got one bullet in this baby.

Just one.

The whole thing with Ellie, | blame myself.

Do a shot, Tom.

Okay. Ahem.

Ah, the way | look at it,

if | hadn’t started drinkin’ again,

she wouldn’t have started either.

Do another shot, Tom, please.

TOMMY: Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

And one more.

I’m-- I’m okay. These are huge.

Do another shot.

Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

So I’ve been goin’ to meetings. | haven’t touched a drop.

But the guilt, | don’t think | can shake that.

So | decided | have to make the ultimate amends.

| gotta kill myself.

Only problem is, | can’t.

I’m not drinkin’ no more,

so it’s practically impossible for me to work up the balls.

Tom, do another shot.

T-Teddy, I...

Do another shot now.

[SIGHS]

So | figure I’d put a bullet in this gun,

and | give the gun to somebody else.

Say they’re drunk or high or whatever.

Who’s to say they won’t do the job for me?

Tom, do another shot.

Teddy, I-- | can’t. I--

Ted, he’s-- He’s already--

Mick, | swear on my dead wife’s soul,

| will rip your freakin’ head out of your goddamn neck!

Tom, drink.

Did you drink much before | showed up?

Ah. Little more than usual.

Good. This should work out great, then.

You feelin’ a little lightheaded?

Yeah.

Perfect.

Ever remember the name Bubba Cohen?

Friend of your old man’s back in the day.

Big guy, dumber than drywall,

got mobbed up around age 19,

got a job as a leg-breaker for the local guinea mob.

One night, he went down to Sully’s Taphouse

drunk as a skunk, mouthed off to the wrong mook.

Walkin’ out to the car that night,

someone ran up behind him, put five bullets in his back.

So much for Bubba, huh?

You'd think so, but he didn’t die.

Guy was an animal, huge,

size of a shed, but that ain’t what saved him.

On the night in question, he drank 19 beers

and a whole goddamn bottle of Jameson's.

Doctors said he had so much booze in his system

that it got to the point

where it slowed his heart down so much,

he was unable to bleed to death.

You see, that’s my problem.

lf | wanna off myself,

| gotta drink my weight in booze just to pull the trigger.

Then I’ll be so shitfaced

| won't be able to kick the bucket.

Now, | got this gun here

with five empty chambers and one round,

so the odds are stacked pretty much in my favor.

But why don’t we all just leave it to fate?

You wanna do the honors, Tom?

No, Teddy, I-- | really-- | really don’t.

| didn’t think so.

SHAWN: Shit! Jesus Christ.

Five empty chambers, | hit him with the first shot.

Why can’t | get those kind of results

when I’m playin’ the goddamn lottery?

[GUN CLICKING]

[MEN SHOUTING]

[GROANS]

TEDDY: Shit! There was another bullet in there.

| swear | think I’m comin’ down with the goddamn Alzheimer’s.

Teddy, goddamn it, what are you doing?

[FIRES THREE SHOTS]

Okay, okay!

| said | had one round in that gun. Sorry, two.

But this,

this is a Glock 17.

This has got 19 rounds,

so that means | got 16 left.

And by the by, just so you know,

I’m sober as a judge, in case anybody’s wondering.

So why don’t we all be nice little kids

and put your cell phones or your high-tech textin’ toys,

put ‘em on the bar right over there right now.

Come on. Get ’em up there so | could see ’em.

That’s it. All of ’em.

Because | want you guys to know something.

I’m not playin’.

Old Grand-Dad bottle, third shelf.

Shit! Christ.

Smirnoff bottle, second shelf.

All right, all right. Teddy, goddamn it!

Which is my way of sayin’,

anyone makes a move at me,

or tries to go for help...

So what we’re gonna do is,

we’re gonna sit here for the next few hours

and watch Tom slowly fade away.

Teddy, what are you doin’?

You told me. You said it was none of our fault.

Yes. Yes, | did.

Yeah, but you’re blamin’ Tom.

| guess I’m in denial.

[TOMMY GASPS] Get out of there.

There’s this thing they call karma.

I’m sure you heard about it.

You live a shitty life, usually before it’s over,

bad karma comes back and bites you in the balls.

You act like an asshole,

maybe you get cancer of the ass.

You treat your kids like shit,

maybe they pull a Menendez

and blow your brains out on the goddamn couch

while you’re takin’ a nap.

But you,

you seem to do whatever you want,

and nothing--

Nothing bad ever happens.

Everybody around you gets killed or crushed or burnt up,

but you,

somehow you always seem to survive.

Well, not no more, big nose.

You took the best thing | ever had away from me, asshole.

A brave man dies once,

but a coward dies a thousand times.

Bet you wish you were chickenshit now, huh, asshole?

Have some ginger ale, boys.

Hopefully this is gonna take a while.

It’s Okay, Cos.

You'll see when you get here.

All makes sense on the other side.

[TRANSGLOBAL UNDERGROUND’S "ARMY OF FORGOTTEN SOULS" PLAYING]

? This is the army Of forgotten souls J

~ Ahh

~ Ahh

~ Ahh

~ Bless me, Father For | have sinned J

~ Bless me, Father For | have sinned J

~ Bless me, Father For | have sinned J

~ Bless me, Father For | have sinned J

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Ladies and gentlemen Boys and girls f

~ Boys and girls f

~ Ahh

~ Ahh

~ Ahh

~ Ahh

~ Ahh

~ Ahh

? This is the army Of forgotten souls J

~ Bless me, Father For | have sinned J

[Pre]