All language subtitles for Rescue Me (2004) - S05E19 - David (1080p BluRay x265 Panda)

Previously on Rescue Me...

-Oh, you're the, uh--
-Hot older chick

who saved her own ass
in the Brownstone fire
the other night.

Get your ass up and
get her out of there!

That was awesome.

What the hell was
in that box the other night?

Yeah, what was in
that box the other night?

None of your business.

It is our business.
You're running into a fire--

Nobody's talking
to you, Opie.

My name's Tommy.

Yeah, but you got kind of
a Ron Howard thing going on.

Are you free tomorrow night?

Uh, yeah.

Call me for
the time and place.

Frank, he's got problems
with his cock, dude.

So what's the problem this
time, pee-wee?

It looks like
a hairy cheese doodle.

-What?
-Yeah. It's orange.

Look. You probably heard
through the grapevine already,
you know,

I'm getting married
in a couple days.

I've been hearing whispers.

| wanted to ask you
if you would, you know,

stand up for me,
be my best man.

Uh, let me put this in terms
that you can understand.

Sheila's the Red Sox,
I'm the Yankees.

| have a hell
of a lot more to offer.

And how do you figure that?

Because | come
with your children.

It's a lose-lose situation for
me. If | pick her, | lose you.

If | pick you, | lose her
and access to Katy
a-and the baby.

I'm eventually gonna find
someone else.

You choose me,

and you know
what you're getting
both in and out of bed.

Hey, hey.

Hey, chief.
Whoa. Shit.

It’s like the goddamn
ice capades over here.

Christ.

Hey, Agent Orange, uh,
how’s your peas and carrot?

Won’t go back
to its normal color.

I’m thinkin’ about goin’
to the tanning bed

so the rest of me
matches my dick.

Want some vitamin water?
| got all kinds of flavors.

Yeah. You got any, uh,
Garrity flavored?

That would be orange.
No?

Got blue, color of my balls.
All right, give me that.

Yeah, the RAC is not exactly
a pussy wagon, is it?

Needles was workin’
that one time years ago

when he hurt his back.
Said he was more likely

to get laid drivin’
a pink Prius, you know?

But it’s nice. It’s more of a
downtime type of gig, right?

Oh, yeah. It’s sweet, man.
Feinberg hooked me up.

All | do is go job to job
handin’ out vitamin water.

Occasionally | gotta get
the thawing apparatus

to de-ice the hydrant, but |
pretty much just sit in the bus

watchin’ old bootleg
movies on my laptop.

Oh, sh--

Oh, Shawn. Cancel his audition
for blaxcapades, by the way.

You got any salt in the rig
there, ginger dick?

| don’t. Just vitamin water.

Look, make yourself useful, huh?

Go get some salt
and bring it out here

before somebody breaks
his goddamn neck

on this goddamn ice.
I’m sorry to tell you this,

chief, but | don’t believe that
falls under my jurisdiction

as a member of RAC,
and I’ve even done the research.

| went onto
the department website,

and all I’m responsible for
is thawing and vitamin water,

so-- | got towels. Want towels?

Look, if my Jewish ass hits this
sidewalk before you get back

with the world’s
biggest bag of salt,

your ass is gonna make
the Gaza Strip

look like
Miami goddamn Beach.

| got a better idea.
I’m gonna go get some salt.

Get some pretzels too.

| thought | told you to shave
off the goddamn goatee.

I’m the lead singer
of a rock band, Lou.

| have to have the goatee.
It’s part of my vibe.

I've been pickin’ up
a new vibe from you, Mike,

and you know what it is?
Dick.

You can be just as big a dick
without the goatee, Mike,

all right?
Yeah.

You’re not a rock star.
You’re a fireman.

Yeah, for now,
but Kelly’s hookin’ us up

with this A&R guy.

The hot chick who saved
herself in the fire?

Yeah, yeah.
She’s sendin’ down a--

A guy to listen
to the band.

[THUD]
Hey, spics-capades.

And after we rock
his world,

he’s gonna, uh, sign
Apache Stone to his label.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
She said all that?

Yeah, the part about sendin’
the guy down.

Did you sleep with her?

Tom, I’m tryin’
to keep the relationship

on a professional
level here.

Yeah, okay, so you got
a hot, smart, independent woman

with a great ass,
and you’re not interested.

Yeah. Well, it’s ’cause
she doesn’t have a cock.

It’s not a gay thing,
guys.

Yeah, well,
did you get her naked?

Yes.
Did you touch her tits?

Yes.
But you didn’t sleep with her?

No.
Don’t get any gayer than that.

No, it don’t.
Uh, listen, guys, | mean,

we were totally makin’ out
and everything,

and she’s got a slammin’
body, by the way,

which | was all over,
and everything was goin’ great,

but then | started to sing.

| told you.
Couldn’t get it up.

Did-- did you just say you
started to sing,

as in singing?

Wait a minute.
Was this while you were maybe

down there givin’ her a little
bit of oral pleasure?

’Cause sometimes when
I’m down there doin’ that,

you know, I'll hum.
Heh-heh.

But you won’t actually
ever break into song.

LOU:
No, it’s too risky.

Unless you're datin’ a chick
with a microphone in her pussy--

In which case,
get right out of it,

the only thing worse
than a pussy with bugs

is a bugged pussy.
Agreed.

Now, Pavarotti,
tell me this.

When you were singin’,
please,

tell me it wasn't
an Apache Stone song.

Uh, it wasn’t
an Apache Stone song.

Okay, good.
Thank God.

Of course it was
an Apache Stone song, Lou.

| don’t know anything else
the whole way through.

Anyway, she got really
pissed off, all right?

Well, at least
she didn’t puke on you.

| mean, not at first,
but after a couple verses--

Couple of verses?
This is unbelievable.

Most guys won't go in
without a condom.

This asshole needs a set list.

By the time | got
to the chorus, she was, like,

half-dressed and holdin’
the door open for me.

Well, how did you get her to
agree to have the guy come down

in case you guys
are good, make a deal?

| refused to stop singin’
until she promised.

Okay, I’m pickin’ up
a new vibe from you, Mikey.

Know what this one is?
It’s called moron.

Maybe, Tom, but a moron
who’s about this close

to gettin’ a record deal.
Heh-heh-heh.

All right...1 know--
I’m gonna hit him.

Okay, okay. All right. Listen to
me. Little Freddie Mercury here

without the talent,

you can keep the chin strap
until the gig, all right?

But if you don’t get signed, off
it comes, along with your hair,

your eyebrows, your pubes,
everything.

Pubes too?

Hairless as the day
you were born.

All right, but when we
do get the record deal,

you guys gotta do
the same thing.

Deal.
~ Deal I

Done, done. Goodbye.

See ya.
Bye-bye.

You know, it really is.
It’s-- It’s--

It’s almost gettin’ too easy
at this point.

It’s not fair to him,
you know.

Let me guess. Tastes like,
uh, formula 50?

Cat piss.
Ew.

[THE VON BONDIES’
"C’MON, C’MON" PLAYING]

On another day
C’mon, c’mon f

With these ropes tied tight
Can we do no wrong? J

J Now we grieve
‘Cause now is gone S

Things were good
When we were young f

~ When my teeth bite down
| can see the blood J

J Of a thousand men
Who have come and gone f

J Now we grieve
‘Cause now is gone S

Things were good
When we were young f

Ils it safe to say? J
~C’mon, c’mon f

? Was it right to leave? J
~C’mon, c’mon J

< Will | ever learn? I
~C’mon, c’mon f

~ C’mon, c’mon
C’mon, c’mon J

[GRUNTING]

Lay off the bag, puddin’.
I’m cancelin’ the Wilson fight.

Chief.
No arguments.

Hey, | Know I’ve been
sluggish lately, b--

Your head ain’t in it, Frankie.
I’m not puttin’ you in the ring

with a quality guy.
| gotta fight, okay?

| got a lot of pent-up shit now.
Go see a shrink.

If | don’t get back
in the ring soon,

| swear to God I’m gonna yank
some bum off the sidewalk

and beat him senseless.
Come on, man. Help me out here.

Well, there is something.

Anything.

You might have a moral issue
with this.

Guy brought it to me last week.
It’s a chick.

A chick, like as in a guy
in a chicken suit or somethin’?

No, like a woman ina
tits-and-vagina suit.

Some promoter downtown
told me about it,

but | figured there’s no way
you're gonna hit a broad,

so | told him to get lost.

I’m interested.

Yeah?

Yeah. | mean, she’s a real
fighter, right?

Yeah. She’s a tiger,
from what | hear.

She beat two guys across
the pond last month.

We’d be, uh, wearin’ headgear
and 16-ounce gloves?

The whole thing.

No kickin’ or scratchin’ or
hair-pullin’, nothin’ like that?

Frankie, | would never let you
do anything like that,

unless you were
behind on points.

Look,
this is all aboveboard.

It’s underground, of course,
but it’s aboveboard.

Yeah. Tell him
we're interested.

You sure?
Hundred percent.

All right. I'll set it up.

All right. Thanks, chief.

Oh, | gotta tell you,
Frankie,

| figured,
with your brain and conscience,

you would’ve been
a tougher sell on this.

Yeah. There’s somethin’
| should let you know

that | just recently
found out about myself, chief.

| ain't really that smart.

It’s good to know.

[CHATTER OVER RADIO]

[GRUNTING]

Hey.

Uh, hey. You lookin’ for Mike?
No. Lookin’ for you.

Yeah, right.
Hey, kid.

Hoo. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What, do you got some
self-esteem problems

we need to talk about?
Not particularly.

Then why do you find it
so hard to imagine

I’m here lookin’ for you?

Look, I’ve had the whole older,
uh--

Well, back in high school,

| kinda slept with one
of my teachers, so...

Awoman?
Yes, a woman.

| didn’t wanna assume. Maybe you
went to Catholic school.

No, this wasn’t a priest.
It was a cougar.

Ah. Uh-huh. And are you calling
me a cougar?

No, ma’am. | mean, miss. Ms.

My name’s Kelly, all right?
And I’m not a goddamn cougar.

You’re lookin’ at a different
kind of animal.

Now, | don’t usually take this
long in the negotiation stage.

What’s it gonna be, shortcake?
You in or out?

Why me?

Because you seem nice,

and you got that skinny, pasty,

floppy-haired
Hugh Grant thing goin’ on.

Last time I’m askin’.

Uh, well, you know, it’s...

Hold up! Yeah. Yes. | want in.

| definitely want in.

Okay. Uh, two things. | know
you're in a band with Mike,

which is great. | can talk
music all night long,

and something tells me you have
a higher musical IQ.

Or a higher IQ in general
than Mike,

but then so does a sparrow,

so | won't wanna stab you
in the face with a fork

every time you open your mouth.
But listen to me.

You never, ever,
no matter what happens,

you never sing for me.

| don’t sing.

Then we’re good.

And, uh,
what was the second thing?

Ask your mom to pad your curfew
a few hours.

Tomorrow night, 10:00.

Yeah, well, | don’t live
with my mom anymore.

| can stay up as late
as | want, you know!

Hey, cougar meat,
your mom’s on the phone.

Oh, shit.

Listen, if it's any help--
Oh, Jesus Christ.

| don’t think you look like
this Opie thing at all.

Thanks.

Maybe a little
round the eyes and...

the nose and...

When you do--
All right, all right.

Look, | don’t think you look
like any of those other guys

these assholes think you do.

Who?
Come on. Kevin Bacon?

[SCOFFS]
It’s ridiculous.

Yeah.
And Willem Dafoe?

[GROANS]

| don’t get the Gretzky thing
at all, but David Caruso...

Yeah?

Yeah. Come on.
He’s handsome.

Yeah.
You both wear sunglasses a lot.

Mm-hmm.

He’s got that--
That gravelly voice, you know?

[GRAVELLY]
Makes him sound angry
even when he’s not.

[NORMAL]
And he’s got
a sexy walk about him.

Yeah?

Yeah. That’s what
my wife says.

Your wife barely
speaks English. What’s up?

Nothin’.
No, something’s up.

You're buttering me up.
You’re doin’ a dance--

Tommy, I’m not buttering you up.
| just came to talk.

You're doin’ an Irish
goddamn jig, my friend.

What’s the bad news?

What do you want from me, Tommy?
It’s all bad news.

| mean, look at the world
we're livin’ in.

| mean, the Palestinians might
have nuclear weapons.

[MUTTERS]
Lou’s gettin’ married

and wants me to be his best man
at his wedding.

[NORMAL]
Derek Jeter is on steroids.

| mean, it’s a big black hole
we live under here.

Mmm. What was the, uh--
What was that you said?

Jeter, he might be
doin’ steroids.

No, no, no. No. No.
Not Jeter. The other thing.

Palestinians.
Mmm.

| heard it on the Internet.
No. No.

Middle thing.
The Lou thing.

The Lou thing?

Our Lou?

Where’s Lou?

He’s in the kitchen.

Talk to Needles?
Yeah.

He tell you about
the David Caruso thing?

What?

| was watchin’, uh,
TV the other night, CSI: Miami,

you know, and it hits me.

You know, during the opening
credits with all those fast cuts

and the song by The Who playin’.
Yes.

And it hits me
like a goddamn brick

right in the middle of the head.

| can’t believe
| never saw it before.

| mean, David Caruso,
Tommy Garrity.

You two are like twins.

Only, instead of the sexy,

dynamic, crime-fightin’ twin,

| get stuck with the complete
self-centered asshole twin

who’s supposed to be
my best friend,

but how is he supposed
to be my friend

when I’m gettin’ married to--
To the woman that | love,

a--and | have to think of a way

to not only have him
not be my best man,

but to have him not come
to the goddamn wedding at all.

Okay, | am so--
Just shut your face, Tommy.

Just shut your fat
Irish mouth right now.

Hey.
Hey. You guys okay?

[IN UNISON]
No.

Okay. Uh, maybe we should,
uh--

[IN UNISON]
Get out.

So I’m the asshole here?
Right? Is that the--

That’s what the--

Because | deem,
in all my assholishness,

to tell my friend
the goddamn truth, right?

Deign. Not "deem," deign.

You deign to tell me the truth.

You lean down
from your perch on high,

and you whisper
the goddamn truth

to your merry little minions.
Yeah.

All the little asshole fools

that make up the kingdom
of Tommy The Great.

You know what, Tommy’? | know.
| Know the truth.

She was a whore, okay? Yeah.

And how does that make her
any different than you, huh?

She was a whore because
she saw what she wanted

and she went and she took it,

and how is that any different
than you?

Chasing your goddamn
cousin’s wife into the sack

under the guise of--
Of 9/11

or some shared experience
with that day.

Three hundred and forty-three
of our brothers perish.

They disappear
into a cloud of smoke,

including your own
flesh and blood.

And your reaction
is to bang his wife.

| mean,
what’s that about?

Or is it just that, you know,
your own marriage

had deteriorated to the point

where you were this
self-centered father

who was drunk all the time

so your wife didn’t
wanna sleep with you,

so you went, and you,
uh, decided to bang

that gorgeous brown ass
that you’d probably

been secretly coveting
the entire time

Jimmy Keefe was alive.

"Thou shalt not steal,"

that was the commandment
that Candy broke.

"Thou shalt not covet
thy neighbor’s wife,"

that was the one you broke.

She did it to pay the rent.

You did it just to get
your goddamn rocks off.

That’s, uh...

[BOTH GRUNTING]

You like--
You like that?

[CLATTERING]

You son of a bitch!

l-- | swear to God--
You son of--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey! Get off!

Lou. Lou, stop!
Chill. Chill, man. Chill.

Jesus Christ. Come on. Come on.
Get up. Relax.

God. Christ.

What the hell took you
so long?

Yeah. Where’d you guys come in
from, Canada, for Christ’s sake?

We could have killed each other.
You all right, asshole?

Yeah, I’m fine. You?

Yeah, |’m fine.

What the hell is goin’ on
in here?

He ate all the Oreos.

| bought all the goddamn Oreos.

Well, do you want us
to get more Oreos or--

No, just get the hell out.
Not you.

[SIGHS]

Get out!

They’re gone.

All right, look,

here’s the deal.

Tommy’s gonna come to
my wedding as my best man.

If anything happens,

you're gonna step in
as the buffer.

The buffer?

Whoa, wait a minute. If this
means | gotta blow a guy,

you count me
the hell out right now.

No. No, no. That’s a fluffer,
asshole, okay?

All right,
Tommy comes to the wedding.

He does one negative
thing, one wiseass look,

one snide, sarcastic comment,
anything,

he steps out as best man,
and you step in as the buffer.

Like a pinch hitter?

Exactly. You’re on deck.
Ah.

Deal?
Yeah. Deal.

So...we good?

No, we’re not good.

I’ve got so much roiling,
simmering hatred for you

from so many years
of so much shit

that I’m just gonna put
a sock in it right now.

Although, | gotta tell you,
be honest. |--

| really can’t blame you
for the Sheila thing.

| mean, there’s
one gorgeous woman.

Yeah.

Mmm.

[WINCES]

You gotta blow the caterer.

[GROANS]

Clean up the kitchen, Gavin.

[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHATTER]

Hi.

What are you doin’ here?

Damian couldn’t make it.

Uh, hey. Check, please.
Right away.

All right, calm down.

| don’t know what your
angle is, but number one,

| don’t date married guys,

number two, you’re
way too old for me,

and number three, two words |
believe I’ve already mentioned:

Ron Howard.

Thanks. I’m not eating.

Bring another vodka
with the check.

Absolutely.

Where’s the kid?

Okay, the kid is my godson,
as well as my probie.

He just got out of the academy.
He’s barely old enough to drink.

He was livin’ with his mom
until about a month ago.

He started shaving this year.
He’s a baby.

Yes, which means he will happily
do whatever | tell him to in bed

and be ready to do it all over
again in less than a half-hour.

Remember those days?

Hey, | don’t get any complaints
in that department, sister.

That must be why your wife
is divorcing you.

My wife is not divorcing me
because of any sexual things.

No, she’s divorcing you

because you’re a lying,
cheating alcoholic.

Mike told me right before
he sang his little song.

What’s your cutoff age?
Let me guess. Twenty-four.

| don’t discriminate.
Age is not really an obstacle.

Christ, | dated Mick Jagger
for almost five weeks.

Did you sleep with him?

No.
Why?

Why do you think?
He’s goddamn ancient.

| mean, he’s got the body of
a Jonas Brother, but the face,

more like a Smothers Brother.

Heh. So what was in the,
uh, box?

What?

The box that you basically
put your life on the line

to run in and rescue.

Personal stuff.

Sentimental stuff,

just a couple of Bowie albums
from the seventies, some photos,

plus my weed.

Your weed?
And my paraphernalia.

The vaporizer cost me
a small fortune.

Uh-huh. You ran into a burning
building to-- To save weed?

It’s good weed.

It’s-- Jesus Christ.
Must be the greatest weed ever.

You smoke?
No, I-- I’m a fireman.

I’m a public servant, okay?
| am drug-free.

Besides, I-- You know, | was--

| think marijuana just makes
people, you know, delusional.

Oh, really? How?

Well, for one example, it makes
Willie Nelson think he can act.

Let me tell you something.
This weed is so good,

Willie Nelson would be doin’
Shakespeare in the park

after one hit.
| changed my mind.

Let’s leave it open.
And why don’t you bring us, um--

What do you drink?

Uh, it would actually
be easier for me

to list what | don’t drink.

Bring us a bottle
of your best tequila.

You know, you’ve got a--
A thing,

Like a triangle
in your left eye.

Yes.

It’s kind of like Bowie.

You know, he has those
two different-colored eyes.

One of ’em’s a--
Is a strange shape.

Yeah, he--
He’s probably too old for you.

Oh, no, not him.

| would knock him on out cold

if | got within 10 feet
of David Bowie.

He could be usin’ a walker,

and | would just fold it up
and do him.

What?

You got kind of a David Bowie
thing goin’ on. Heh.

[LAUGHS]
What?

Well, | walk in here, and |
supposedly look like | just came

off the set of Happy Days, and
then a couple of drinks later,

I’m an aging British rock star.

Maybe | could smoke some
of that ganja | got in the box

and turn you
into goddamn George Clooney.

You know, | came down here
to just try and make sure

that you kept your paws
off my godson.

| came here to broaden
his horizons.

You came down here
to get him shitfaced

and bang his brains out.
Six of one...

I’m 45 years old.

Bowie’s 62.

Listen, | know myself well
enough at this point in my life.

We’re gonna sit here, go shot
for shot for about an hour,

probably laugh our asses off
while we do it,

and then pretty soon,
I’m gonna start twistin’ it

around in my mind what you might
be like in the sack,

and if we end up
sharing a cab home,

| will probably make
the first move,

and then we'll be makin’
out like mad.

And because we’re in a cab,
there'll be a stranger there,

so it'll be kind of dangerous.
And once we get to my apartment,

my common sense
will have kicked back in,

and both of us will end up
just going home alone.

You wanna know why?

Because I’m not David Bowie.

Mmm, you could be.

Told you it’s really good weed.

Muchas gracias.

Well...

[SIGHS]

Let the games begin.

It wasn’t a date.

Oh.

It wasn’t.

It was Damian’s date.

| w-- | was--
| went down there to--

| went down there a--
As his godfather,

and | should be getting
credit for that,

not being cross-examined
about it.

This chick-- First of all,
she-- She’s crazy.

She drinks like a fish, and
she’s, you know, a rock chick.

l-- That’s not even
in my wheelhouse.

Heh.

Aging.
Did | say aging rock chick?

Because she was.
She-- She is.

Is she aging?

Yes, she is.
She’s aged. Aged.

Aged.

Yes. She makes Chrissie Hynde
look like, uh, Carrie Underwood.

Damian said she’s about my age

and that she kinda
looks like me. Yeah.

He was here for his Thursday
night laundry-dinner thing.

Okay. Everybody looks
old to him.

He’s, you know--
How many women has he known?

When are you gonna learn
Okay.

that you cannot lie to me?

I’m not-- Forget it.

Look, she looks like me,
okay?

"She’s crazy," which | happen
to know that you like.

And she drinks like a fish.

Hmm. Let me guess.

You met up with a genie
on the street,

and he granted
your three wishes.

Huh? Is that right?
You're so funny.

| can drink too, you know.
Yeah.

l-- | drink a lot of--
All the time by myself.

Whatever.

You, whatever.

You know, I-- It’s--
| can’t win.

| try to tell the truth.

Oh, my God.
What?

Hamlet, Shakespeare.

Hamlet.

Mother-son thing.

You know, these classics,
for me, it’s Raging Bull,

you know, it’s
On The Waterfront, Annie Hall.

|-- | don’t think anybody
in any of those movies

ever slept
with their own mother.

Woody Allen married his own
daughter. Does that count?

Damian, me--

Like, you think that he wants
to sleep with his own--?

[GAGS]

Oh.

That’s what Hamlet’s about?

Jesus Christ.

Can’t believe Scorsese
hasn’t made that.

Oh, my God.
Would you please be serious?

It is a real
psychological complex.

| think you’re overreacting,
but look at the bright side.

If it doesn’t work out
between me and you,

you don’t have to join
an online dating service.

You just wait for laundry night.
Do you want a spanking?

I’m kidding. | don’t know how
to relate to the conversation,

being attracted
to your own mother.

| mean, I’d have to wanna jump
in the sack with, | don’t know,

Cloris Leachman
just to match up.

I’m sure it’s...
You’re over-- What?

No, | just-- | think
that’s really weird

that you just kind of plucked
Cloris Leachman out of thin air.

| didn’t pluck her
out of thin air.

She’s been-- She was all--
On television.

Like, she was on
Dancing with the Stars.

So | had to pick
an old broad,

| picked the first old broad
that came to mind.

No, no. She was really hot
when she was young,

well into her 40s and 50s,

when she was on
The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Yes, she was. Hot and funny,
which is double hot.

Yeah, you know, your mom
looked like Cloris Leachman.

| Know. My mom used to watch
the show too. She loved it.

What’s your point?

Tall, blond.
Yep.

Cheekbone city.

My mom was the Cloris Leachman
of real life.

~ You married your mother I

What?

[LAUGHING]
You did.

Honey, Janet...

Yeah.

Cloris...

Yeah.

Mommy.

No.

Yeah.
No.

Yes. | will get up
on that Internet,

and | will Google Cloris
Leachman circa 1977.

Well, go ahead. Well--
rll dig up--

You got a picture of Janet
layin’ around the apartment?

|-- We'll match ’em up.

| got one in my fireplace.

[SCOFFS]

Don’t Google that. Hang on.

Shit. Wait.

Oh, you are such a cliché.

Janet was a classic choice
for you.

You know, she strolls
in with her long legs

and her long blond hair,
and you were hooked,

blinded to every other single
offering out there.

Trust me. | should know.

What’s that supposed to mean?

You had your chance with me.

Okay. When?

July 4, summer of ’85.

Oh, God.

| was not dating Jimmy yet, but
you were already seeing Janet,

except you guys had some huge
blowout, so she went away

to the beach with
her family for a week,

so | asked you
to the movies one night,

and then | asked you to dinner
the next night,

and then | cooked for you
for the next two nights,

and it was just, like,
so much fun. We were so giddy,

and we’re laughing and drinking,

and we kept makin’ plans for
each night as we went along,

and my skirts kept getting
shorter and shorter,

by the end of the week, | was
wearing these tiny cutoffs--

Cutoffs with your ass
peeking out.

Yeah. | remember.

| remember the cutoffs.
| remember the ass.

| remember that night,

‘cause we went down
to Lombardi’s by the beach

to get some soft-serve
ice cream,

and we stopped
at the liquor store,

bought a bottle of vodka,

and we sat, and we drank,

and we talked,

and then | tore off your top,

and | laid you down in the sand,
and | kissed you.

And | wanted to tear you
to pieces that night,

but when | went to peel down

those tiny, little cutoffs,

you said you had to be home.

Your parents
were waitin’ up or...

somethin’.

Hmm.

| didn’t have to be home.

Uh, you actually just--

You scared the shit
out of me that night.

You-- You had this look
in your eye,

and when we were
at the liquor store,

there was that guy outside.

He, like, glanced at me, and
you punched him in the face.

He went down on the boardwalk,
and then you just,

like, grabbed my hand
and led me away.

Yeah. The guy who was staring
at your ass.

It was, uh, incredibly
sudden and violent,

and, uh, it’s like | didn’t
know what you were thinking

or what you were gonna do next.

You know, one minute,
we're buyin’ booze,

and the next minute, some random
guy’s nose is exploding blood

all over the goddamn beach.
All right,

the guy had it coming, okay?

Jimmy would have
done the same thing.

No. Jimmy would not have done
the sa-- He would--

Yes, he would have
stood up for me,

but he would have
talked to the guy,

and then we would’ve walked
away, nobody gets hurt.

He would have done the right
thing minus the drama, okay?

| needed somebody like Jimmy,

who was solid and dependable,

and | knew that | wanted to get
married and get settled down,

and you were just like--

You were too much trouble.

You were too much
like me,

and | married Jimmy

because he wasn’t like me.

He was calm.

He was careful,

and he was gentle,

and he was sweet.

| mean, you know,
he was really sweet

up until the time
when he cheated on me.

| know. Weird.

He had an affair,
and | found out

a year before he died.

We hadn’t had sex
or touched at all in,

like, um, 14 months.

Shit, | di-- I--

See, right now,
too much trouble,

that works for me,

and | know
that it works for you.

All this shit that we’ve been
through, all of this shit,

we can just keep it at bay
by havin’ a good time.

Don’t we have a good time?
Yeah.

Yeah.

‘Cause we drink and kiss,

and we screw,
and we survive.

Look, Jimmy may have been

the best thing that ever
happened to me until...

And, uh, Janet probably
was the best thing

that ever happened to you

until you realized
that you married your mommy.

| did not marry my--

Shh.

We have each other
to fall back on now.

Plan B.

Don’t forget about
my leaky sink.

| married my--

| didn’t marry my mom!

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey.

[WHISTLES]

Listen. That-- That, uh--

That shit she was talkin’
about at the beach--

No, no, no. She-- She told me
about it. Long, long time ago.

Gotta admit, coz-- Heh-heh-heh.

You are a goddamn caveman.

That’s funny.

Especially comin’ from,
uh, Captain Calm,

Mr. Dependable over here.

Ah, you're right. That was me,

Mr. Always-Where-|-Was
Supposed-To-Be.

Even on September 11.

Ah, maybe that’s why
the marriage gave way.

Maybe she was just

bored of me. Heh.

Hell, when | was on the wagon,

| even bored the shit
out of myself.

Who'd you sleep with?

[CHUCKLING]

Don’t you worry about it.

All right.
Was it, uh--

[CLEARS THROAT]

Was it someone | knew?

I’m gonna put some cabbage
in the jukebox.

You do that.

[SLAPS BAR]

Give me another drink,
Prince Charming.

Hey, faggots.

It’s a pleasant
little wedding party.

Think we could time it so they
vomit during the vows?

Theodore, play the one by the
Dropkick Murphys that | like.

MAN:
Hey, Tommy.

WOMAN:
Tommy.

Well, look who decided
to show up.

| wouldn’t miss this for all
the whiskey in Ireland.

We’re gonna need it to keep
feedin’ these animals.

What are they still doin’ here?
| tried to 86 ’em,

but they won’t leave.

Kid, come here, you.
Get out.

Can you just-- Can’t you just
get rid of them, Tommy?

Ah, they’ll be kissin’
and cryin’ in three minutes.

Come here. Come here.

lrish calisthenics.

They’re your goddamn family.
Get ’em the hell out of here?

Candy’s in the back
gettin’ her dress on.

Yeah, or tryin’
to crack the safe.

Hey, you’re supposed to be
the goddamn buffer, asshole.

Hey, enough, Tommy, all right?

You're supposed to be
the goddamn best man.

| got it.
You should be standin’ up

for Lou? So don’t be
shittin’ all over this,

no matter how stupid it is.

Aman’s entitled to make
his own dumb mistakes.

You know, you really kind
of suck at bein’ a buffer.

It’s my first day.
My lips are sealed.

Pour me another pint,
you whores.

Will you please
get rid of them?

They’re runnin’ a tab.

They haven’t paid for
a goddamn drink all night.

Irish accounting.

| got an idea. Watch this.

[DROPKICK MURPHY’S
"WALK AWAY", PLAYING]

MAN: Come on. Christ.
MAN 2: Aw, I’m sorry.

| say one thing to you, and then
he’s all over me like a--

All right, assholes,
listen up!

Ha, ha, ha!
Hey! Shh.

Ho! You wanna stay, you gotta
pay, all rignt? No more tabs.

Cash on the bar, or you walk out
the door. Watch this.

| wrestled in high school,
but just until | came.

[LAUGHS]

Aw, who knew?

All right, Lou,
forget about them.

This is your wedding day,
pal. This is a happy day.

Yeah. Where is Candy?
Is that a drill | hear?

[CHUCKLING]
Hey.

Hey.
Hey.

Okay, if we can get the, uh,
little lady out here,

we can sign everything and,
uh, begin the beguine.

Yeah. Let’s begin
the beguine.

What the hell
was that all about?

That’s the justice of the peace
and a notary public.

Turns out Candy’s got money.

She’s got Lou’s money.

No. She’s got a lot more
than Lou’s money.

She’s got an uncle who made
a tidy, little bundle

in the plumbing business.

Then he gets poleaxed
by his prostate,

leaves about two million
dollars to be whacked up

among his three daughters
and favorite niece.

Candy’s take,
about 250 large.

Holy shit.
Mmm.

So she’s payin’ Lou back.

In blow jobs, maybe. This
is a prenup they’re signin’.

They both decided to leave
with what they came in with,

which in Lou’s case is a cabinet
full of bobblehead dolls

and that cake.

Is this legal?

It is as long as they sign it
in front of me.

It’s not just legal. It’s proof,
proof that Ken loves me.

My father never did.
Neither did my mother.

My uncle, he was different,
like Ken.

So when he willed
this money to me,

it gave me a chance
to start my life over,

and the only sweet man
| ever knew besides my uncle

was Ken.

That’s why
| came back to him.

| thought he might still have
the same feelings for me.

And | did.
Heh.

After, you know,
a couple days.

Heh-heh.
Yes, four to be exact.

Yes. Four. Four days.

So four days, then you told him
about the money?

No, she told me about
the money Thursday night.

| guess she just, uh,
wanted to be sure.

Yeah,
it was kind of like a test.

One that Ken passed
with flying colors.

[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[SIGHS]

All right.

Well, here are the rings.

[SIGHS]

| can’t do this.
You take ’em.

| can’t do it.

You take ’em.

| don’t want the rings.

Take ’em.
No.

Want me to call immigration?

Give me the goddamn rings.

See you over there.
Stop smiling.

[CHEERING]

[LAUGHING]

All right.
All right, enough. Enough.

MAN 1:
Right.

Thank you, my brothers.
Yeah, Lou.

MAN 2:
Yeah, man.

This is too much. So this
is your idea of low-key?

It’s not his fault.
| beat it out of him.

Congratulations, Lou.
Second time around is the charm.

Third time, actually.
Shut up.

Hey, congrats, Lou.
Thank you. What's with the car?

Funny. A buddy of mine’s got a
Volkswagen dealership in Jersey,

he gave us a month’s
free lease,

we've been luggin’ around
Mike’s band’s equipment,

but we decided it'd be better
if you guys

could have it for
the weekend, so--

By the way,
gets good gas mileage,

and the interior is huge,
in case you decide to pull over

and, you know, start the
honeymoon a little early!

[CROWD CHEERING]
On the way to the hotel.

All right. Well, nice
seein’ you all. Let’s go.

MAN 1:
Get out of here!

[CHEERING]
Have fun.

MAN 1:
Get out of here!

MAN 2:
Go make some babies.

MAN:
Wow.

Guys, tell me, uh,

you know, I’m not, uh--

I’m not makin’ a mistake
with this.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Yeah. It’s gonna
be great.

Oh, Christ.

All right, drive safe.

We'll be thinkin’ of you.
Get out of here.

Thank you.
Bye-bye.

MAN 1:
Buckle up. Precious cargo.

MAN 2:
Don’t forget
about the blue laws.

MAN 1: Oh-ho-ho!
MAN 2: Yes!

[WHISTLES]

MAN 1: So long.
MAN 2: Take care.

[CHEERING]

[WHISTLES]

Ten to one,
it doesn’t last a year.

A year? | don’t give ’em
to the end of the block.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I'll take some
of that action.

You want a piece of this,
Sitting Bull?

He don’t even understand
the bet.

What kind of Indian are you?

He’s a brain-dead one.
Come on.

Let’s go finish up
the firewater.

Ah, we sent your parents off
like this.

Well, almost like this.

Back then, the red man
didn’t have casinos,

so we sent ’em down to A.C.

Instead of a rent-a-car,

we scraped up a couple bucks
to get em bus tickets.

But you know,

they were fall-off-their-feet
in love with each other,

true soul mates.

Yeah. | tell you it was really
somethin’ to see, kid.

Beautiful.
Just amazing,

right, T?

Yep.

Now let’s go get shattered!

[LAUGHING]
Hell, yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY, CHATTER]

[Pre]