Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Previously on Rescue Me...

Hoist you glasses, boys, your friend Lou is getting hitched.

-Whoa! -Get the hell out.

-Really? -Yeah, yeah.

Well, you're marrying your ex-hooker, ex-thief girlfriend,

you don't tell your supposedly, uh, best buddy in the world?

Gee, you know, and | wonder why | wouldn't do that.

Bust his hole, Franco!

(GRUNTING)

As far as I'm concerned, it is either her or me.

Are you trying to say that me and Tommy are some sort of a game?

Yes, yes, itis a goddamn game.

You, me, him, us, this whole goddamn thing,

-and now the jig is up. -Okay.

Argh!

Get off me!

We got some very smoking ladies here,

and I'd say 70 percent of them are friends of Carla's.

We got bull dykes.

Jesus Christ. I'm banging a gay chick.

We gotta get that blond broad away from that one dyke over there in the corner.

Mind if | cut in?

Come on.

| need to get in there!

-Hey, hey, hey! -No, no, no!

(GROANING)

Hey, Shawn, you all right?

Hey, get her the hell out of there.

(FIREFIGHTERS EXCLAIMING)

Thanks, fellas, I'm all set.

That was awesome.

[R.L. BURNSIDE’S "GOT MESSED UP" PLAYING]

~l’m not afraid I

J Of anything J

Been here too long J

< And I’ve seen too much I

[LAUGHTER]

| got messed up f

Ooh, ooh | got messed up I

| got messed up f

J Oh, | got messed up I

J My mamma is gone f

[SIRENS WAILING, CHATTER]

~ And my daddy too I

J Whatever | got J

f | got it myself

| got messed up f

Ooh, ooh | got messed up I

| got messed up f

J Oh, | got messed up f

J I’ve been so strong J

? Tried for so long f

J Now everything is gone I

| got messed up f

[WHISTLING]

~ Yeah, yeah, yeah f

~ Yeah, yeah, yeah f

[SPITS]

~ Yeah, yeah, yeah f

| got messed up f

f Oh, yeah f

Ooh, ooh | got messed up I

| got messed up f f Oh, yeah I

J Oh, | got messed up I

| got messed up f | got messed up f

Ooh, ooh | got messed up I

| got messed up f

f Oh, yeah f

| got messed up f

[COUGHING]

J Oh, | got messed up I

| got messed up f

| got messed up f

[COUGHING]

| got messed up f

Hey, Jimmy.

[GASP]

Bad dream?

Yeah. Oh.

Were, uh, Sheila and Janet and that new chick in it?

You were talking.

Yeah.

Were you banging all three of them, or were you--

No.

You got a problem, my friend. A serious problem.

What’s in the box?

Nothing.

Is it cupcakes?

Maybe.

How many?

Eighteen.

Eighteen cupcakes?

And | have a problem?

[THE VON BONDIES’ "C’MON, C’MON" PLAYING]

On another day C’mon, c’mon f

With these ropes tied tight Can we do no wrong? J

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now it’s gone

Things were good When we were young f

~ With my teeth bite down | can see the blood f

J Of a thousand men Who have come and gone f

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now it’s gone

Things were good When we were young f

Ils it safe to say? J

~C’mon, c’mon Sf

? Was it right to leave? J

~C’mon, c’mon Sf

JS Will | ever learn? I

~C’mon, c’mon Sf

~ C’mon, c’mon C’mon, c’mon J

Hey.

Jennifer Aniston’s ass.

Okay.

I’m looking at her picture here. Opinion?

Ona scale of 1 to 10? Yeah.

Going, uh, 13.

Oh, really? Yeah. | got a thing.

For her ass?

Her ass, her elbows, her knees.

Look. Yeah, | definitely got a thing.

Feet?

Feet, I’m going... 21.

Uh...lips?

Lips...upper lip, 42. Lower lip, 47-- Forty-eight. Forty-eight.

Interesting. Ears?

You never really get to see the ears, do you?

| think it’s because of the haircut.

| love the haircut. It’s like-- It’s like dream hair.

It’s like angel hair.

It’s like angel hair pasta. | want to eat it.

You're a deeply disturbed man, Tommy Gavin.

Yeah, well, it’s-- You know, it’s-- | think it’s--

It’s part of her mysterious side, you know what | mean?

It’s like you never get to see--

What if she’s got ears that are shaped like vaginas?

Wouldn't that be cool? Huh?

Because she’s not like these other chick actresses

where they’re-- You see everything and it’s hanging out.

Even when she’s naked, she’s not really naked.

She was on Rolling Stone when she was on Friends years ago.

And she was laying on her stomach,

and she was naked right on the cover,

you could see her ass, but you couldn’t see it

cause it was out of focus. | like that.

It’s mysterious, you know?

It’s like when she was on the cover of GQ she was naked,

but she had her nipples covered with her hands

and she had a tie that hung-- That picture was photoshopped.

What do you mean, she wasn’t really wearing a tie?

No, | mean all the normal nooks and crannies of a real chick--

You know, stretch marks, little hairy moles, thigh dimples--

All erased.

Thigh dimples?

Cellulite.

Oh. | like thigh dimples better.

That’s probably because you have a couple, don’t you?

Hey, where’s pillow lips?

Pillow...

Pillow lips. Can you help us out there a little bit?

The hunk that had me in a bear hug

the night of the fire. | want to thank him.

Why don’t you thank me, ’cause |’m the one

you kicked in the balls, which hurt.

Sorry, but that’s not really helping me

find pillow lips, is it?

So could you please maybe just run along

and try to track him down for me, Ron?

My name’s Tommy.

Yeah, but you got kind of a Ron Howard thing going on.

Ron Howard?

Ron Howard with-- With hair? Yeah, | see it.

See? You go, girl. Look. I'll leave my number.

Tell Puerto Rican Brad Pitt |! wanna meet him for a drink.

Yeah, look. Uh, brown Brad is, uh--

Is pretty well spoken for.

What the hell was in that box the other night?

Yeah, what was in that box the other night?

None of your business. Oh, okay. Well. Psst.

It is our business. We’re fire guys,

You're running into a fire-- Nobody’s talking to you, Opie.

What about the other cute guy? The black one?

Yeah, he’s taken too.

Yeah, he’s dating my daughter.

So you’re married? Sort of.

Already way more than | wanted to know.

What about the dumb guy?

Mike? You talked to Mike the other night?

We locked eyes for a second. From that you knew he was dumb?

God, yes. That boy is completely empty.

Nothing going on up here,

which is good, because it cuts down

on the witty repartee bullshit.

How are his abs?

You know, |-- | just want to say

that what you did the other night was extremely dangerous.

No shit. Yeah.

Yeah. But it was awesome.

| mean, my heart was beating, like, a million miles a minute.

You guys must have a blast doing what you do.

Well...

You know, | always knew that you were-- You were, you know,

special and brave and all that bullshit,

but | didn’t really get it until | did it myself.

What about the vampire?

What vampire?

The pasty, skinny kid.

Uh...

He looks like one of those Twilight assholes.

Damian. Damian?

That’s perfect. He even has a vampire name.

Yeah, okay. He’s 21 years old. | love it.

I'll be a bloodsucked Mrs. Robinson.

Hey, did you guys use my body wash?

Hi. Oh, you’re the, uh--

I’m the, um... hot older chick

who saved her own ass in the brownstone fire the other night.

Hey, listen. Um...

are you free tomorrow night?

Um, for?

Drinks, dinner...

Is that vanilla?

Uh, yeah. I’m trying out this new cologne.

You should wear it tomorrow. Call me for the time and place.

See you.

TOMMY: Bye. LOU: Bye.

Oh. Wow.

No shit, wow.

Hey. Is this that, uh, Kim Kardashian?

Yep. Classic.

So that’s Reggie Bush?

No, no, no, the dude is, uh, Ray J.

Ray J. Who the hell’s Ray J?

He’s a rapper. No, he’s not.

He’s like a discount Usher.

Usher, like what? Like works in a ballpark?

Lou’s a little behind the times.

He thinks 50 Cent is half a dollar.

Hey, in today’s economy, 50 cents is worth half a quarter.

Heh.

All right. So let me get this straight.

So world-renowned running back Reggie Bush

is dating a girl who has a sex tape out

featuring her having sex in almost...

every possible position...

with another guy?

Shit. This videotape is probably the reason

why he called her up in the first place.

[KIM MOANING]

ALL: Ooh.

Ooh. Wow.

[WHISTLES]

Wow. | mean, | got to tell you,

it beats the hell out of eHarmony.

Mmm. Ooh-wee.

Look at that booty. Big as a house.

Yeah, it’s gonna be as big as a shopping mall

by the time she’s 35.

Oh, make that 32.

Yeah, everybody out.

Out. All right. Let’s go.

See you.

So is there anything you want to say before | lay this out?

[SIGHS]

You think | look like Ron Howard?

Ron Howard? What, you mean Opie?

Crazy, right? These guys...

Well, you know, | don’t know.

| mean, you may be a little, like, Opie-esque.

You know, if Opie grew up in Red Hook

and his mom had sex with Satan.

Ha-ha.

All right, here’s the deal, Op.

| am not here to dig up the dead

or unravel the messy mistakes we've made, okay?

| just want what is best for the kids.

So Katy is gonna leave the house permanently in five years.

So five years is what I’m asking for, okay?

We stick it out together that long as Mom and Dad.

You stay in your own place,

but when she’s around, we act like we’ve been acting. Okay?

Because | want her to have a sense of security

for at least that long.

So what do you think?

Five years?

Mm-hm. Okay, sexwise,

| mean, we still have

this animal attraction for each other, okay?

So we can just keep that going

and satisfy each other’s physical needs.

But here is the deal breaker.

We don't sleep with anyone else.

For five years?

Mm-hm.

Okay? Well, we both get sex. Katy gets security.

Uh, let me put this in terms that you can understand.

You're a free agent.

Hey, | am offering you an incredible deal.

Sheila’s the Red Sox, I’m the Yankees.

| have a hell of a lot more to offer.

And how do you figure that?

Because | come with your children,

and if you take me up on my Offer,

your daughter won’t end up hating you.

And who says she’s gonna hate me?

Well, | could personally guarantee it.

| mean, between what | whisper in her sweet, little ears

and the divorce court’s overwhelming tendency

to put the kids with their mother,

you'd be lucky if you saw her one weekend a month.

And you add a mistress to this scenario,

you may never lay eyes on Katy again.

Now, | Know, | know, it’s a little mean,

and it is not very romantic.

But we both took the vows...

for better or worse,

in good times and in bad,

and | am just trying to make the best of a shitty situation.

Think it over.

You know, a-and if you need to talk to someone about it,

you might try talking to Pa

the next time you go down to the fishing hole.

Oh, that’s so funny. Ha!

[MEN WHISTLING THEME FROM THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW]

Assholes!

MAN: Come on, Frankie, move!

Come on, get the lead out of your ass!

Sorry, chief. | think I’m just still hurting

from that party the other night.

Come on, get out of there. You're stinking up the joint.

Shit.

Let’s focus, okay? You think you’re ready

for your fight with Wilson next week,

you're out of your Puerto Rican mind!

Hey, go easy on him, will you? Go easy.

That’s the goose that laid the golden egg.

You’re his trainer. So we overdid it a little bit.

He needed to blow off some steam. We all did.

Yeah. Well, my idea of blowing off steam

isn’t a bar brawl with a bunch of drunken dykes.

Though it does sound pretty hot. Yeah.

Wow! That must have been great,

seeing Teddy go mano a lesbo with one of those broads.

Yeah, well, she broke his nose and cracked three of his ribs.

And | missed it.

Wait a minute. | just had a moment of genius.

It'll pass.

What if we put Franco in the ring with one of those dykes?

What? Yeah.

He’s beating the shit out of his male opponents.

Nobody wants to fight him.

More importantly, nobody wants to bet against him.

Our side action is going in the toilet.

But we build a Franco-lesbo brawl,

who’s not gonna want to put money down on that?

Are you out of your goddamn mind?

A member of the F.D.N.Y. climbing into a ring

and punching a lesbian person repeatedly

about the face and body for the sole purpose

of entertaining a bloodthirsty crowd of drunken bettors,

their fists full of cash, screaming for--

| got an angle on this. Okay, go.

We bill it as like a Bobby Riggs-Billie Jean kind of thing,

a battle of the sexes for the modern world,

only instead of swatting around a faggy little yellow ball,

these two are beating the piss out of each other.

| love this! I’m getting goose bumps. Look at my arm.

Aw, shit. What is it, infected?

No. No, no, reality check.

What about if she-- She whips his ass or he whips her ass?

| mean, bad from a public relations standpoint either way.

Lou, we’re not gonna put him in the ring with Keira Knightley.

We are gonna find the biggest,

ugliest, meanest lesbian on this planet.

Hillary Clinton would never do this.

She’s not a lesbian. | Know, but would you fight her?

Not without weapons.

All right, all right. Save that thought.

Okay, look. We got a genius idea.

Getting an opponent is not a problem.

The problem may be getting Franco on board.

| mean, tough chick or not,

he might have a moral dilemma with this.

You mean the same moral dilemma you had

until you thought about the money?

We’re gonna be rich. | know.

We’re gonna be rich.

This is ridiculous.

You know, you said a couple few things, okay?

See, look what | have.

| have a TV, and | have a couch, and | have a bed.

That’s three things. That’s a few, okay?

This-- This is a shitload.

lam a girl. | have needs--

You know, jeans, shoes, boots, sandals, my platforms.

You're gonna need, like, a whole separate room just for the shoes

the way we’re going.

| can have that?

Oh, my God, thanks, Daddy!

You're welcome, honey. Nice.

Shawn, can you put the other shoe trunk in that room?

Yeah. Come on, give me a hand with the trunk, man.

No, | mean, | need to talk to her.

Why? That shit is heavy!

Listen. | just lost a whole room to goddamn shoes.

Now, you go-- You want to have sex

with my daughter at my place? Whatever.

Tell your story walking, pal.

Listen. We got to talk about him, okay?

| want to just be clear about a couple things.

Okay? He gets to come over, like you said, a couple times a week,

but let’s make sure we know what a couple is. Two. Dos.

That’s a couple, okay. Okay. | Know.

We talked about this. Okay.

Okay.

Ahem. There’s a lot of rules | want to lay down.

| want to just cover a couple of big ones right now, okay?

When it comes to you two doing...

stuff, okay?

Do you know what I’m talking about?

Yes. Okay.

You don’t have to say it. | don’t want you having,

you know, sexual relations when--

Obviously, not when I’m here.

Obviously!

Okay. But also, like, when |’m--

According to my schedule, when | should be coming home

or I’m about to come home, | don’t want to--

| don’t want to hear anything, and | don’t, you know,

want to smell anything. I’m just saying.

Okay! And | don’t want

to feel any sex... vibes.

What’s a sex vibe? What’s this thing with the sex vibe?

Make sure he’s clear on that, okay?

Okay! | got it.

And the other thing is, you--

We should work out a laundry schedule,

because | don’t-- | don’t want to have to deal with the...

funderwear.

Funderwear?

You know what I’m talking about,

the sexy, lacy whatever that stuff is.

My gosh. Dad! Don’t have a problem

with regular underwear. It’s the other stuff.

So you'll have to wash that stuff--

Okay. Well, then don’t look in my stuff.

Do you want me to help you unpack this?

Sure.

So...have you talked to Katy?

Do you talk to her on a regular basis?

Yeah. | mean, we text all the time.

And she’s okay?

Yeah. Okay.

| mean, | think so. She’s totally into the whole,

family thing right now. So she’s, uh...

Honey, all right. You know what?

| told you not to go through my stuff. You should--

Should be labeled "funderwear."” Okay. Well, what-- Who is--?

Whatever.

So she’s fine?

Yes. Good.

| think she’s actually really, really happy right now.

That’s great.

Yeah. | mean, | think she’s, you know,

almost on the verge of forgiving mom for the whole,

uh, breakup thing. Mm-hmm.

| mean, | don’t think she’s quite as mad at her anymore...

which is really good.

Yeah.

| mean, you know, she hates living at home

with mom and the baby. She couldn't stand it.

| mean, she was so freaked out about the whole

uncle Johnny affair thing.

She wanted to move in with you,

but mom said that would only happen over her dead body,

so that’s when she came up with the whole private school thing,

which she loves, by the way. Right.

But that whole, um, mummy/mom thing--

| mean, that’s just because she hated Mom so much

for breaking up the family and for you leaving.

You know, if she had it her way,

she would be moving in with us right now.

That’s funny. Your mother never mentioned

the Katy wanting to live...

Of course. It’s Mom.

| know. Listen.

This whole divorce, whatever it is, it's-- You know, it’s...

l-It's a two-way street, you know?

Your mother’s not completely to blame, you know?

| mean, | certainly did my share of--

She did some crazy stuff, but, you know.

Dad, | hate her too.

Okay.

You know, | mean, not as much as | used to, but...

I’m gonna be so happy here no matter what happens,

because secretly, deep down,

| Know it’s really gonna drive her crazy.

SHAWN: Oh! Lordy, Jesus!

All right. Calm down. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

Oh, come on. This-- This is what you need help with?

It fell out of my hands, all right?

You're such a pussy.

Come on, help me out.

[GRUNTS]

Listen to me. Listen. Listen.

Let me explain something to you. What?

No sex with my daughter in my house, and don’t-- Ah-ah.

It's my house, my rules. What are you talking about?

You are not having sex with my daughter--

Look in my eyes. | can’t make any promises.

There’s no promises. | am telling you, it’s the law.

When she wants it, she wants it. She’s a Gavin.

You know what you do? You get a hotel room

or you take her back to your place, because you are not--

You will not lay a finger on my daughter in...

Forget | said that word. No fingering, no fondling,

none of the "f" words in my house.

Okay. That's it.

Just help me.

Goddamn it. Ooh!

Hey. Yo, what’s up, dude?

Hi. How’d the date go last night?

Oh...get over here, will you?

You okay?

No, I’m definitely not okay. What’s wrong?

| got serious problems.

You didn’t kill her, did you?

What? Kill who? Your date.

No! Of course not. What’s the matter with you?

You were just making me nervous. | mean, what’s the problem?

[CLEARS THROAT]

It’s my dick.

Ohh. Again, dude? You should just get that thing removed.

| Know. I’m thinking about it at this point.

What is it? | don’t know. The craziest shit.

Don’t know how to describe it. It’s freaking me out completely.

Okay. Relax. Breathe. Ahem. Mm-hm. Okay.

Okay? Come and sit down, and-- And start from the beginning.

All right? Let’s hear it. [CLEARS THROAT]

Okay. I’m at the restaurant with the chick, right?

We’re sitting there, and she’s crazy hot.

We’re drinking, we’re making eye contact,

the drinks are flowing, the conversation is good,

and it’s fantastic. | even took a shit at the restaurant

to get that out of the way. Sweet, dude.

We go back to the bar, we have a few more drinks.

Then we end up back at her place.

Nice. So that sounds like a good start.

Well, yeah. | mean, it’s humming along fine

until we end up in the bedroom. Ah, opening-day jitters, huh?

No, bro. | mean, my shit was solid as,

like, a Sherman tank, okay? She goes to unveil the dick,

and she completely bugs out, bro.

Ah. Because it’s so small?

What?

Nothing.

My dick’s not small.

It-- It’s a little small. Dude, she didn’t bug out

because | have a small dick. | don’t have a small dick.

Everybody knows you have a small dick, dude.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, uh, okay, bro. You know what?

She didn’t bug out because | have a small dick.

Let me finish the story. Okay. But it’s small.

She says..."It’s discolored."

[LAUGHS]

That’s not funny, jerk off. Ah, yeah, it is, dude.

No, it’s not funny. I’m freaking out here.

I’m thinking | may have some kind of cancer of the dick.

Dude, why would you have cancer of the dick?

| don’t know, revenge, maybe,

for all the drunk-ass ugly chicks I’ve banged in my life?

| don’t know. Look. l...

[SIGHS]

| need you to do me a favor.

| need you to take a look.

No way. I’m not checking out your junk.

Funny, ‘cause when you thought you had

a lump in your testicle, who was the nice guy

that reached in and cupped your funbag to check it?

That was me, pal! You volunteered.

Whatever. A technicality. All the shit I’ve done for you

over the last few years, you owe me. Come on.

All right. Tweeze it out, dude.

Ew, what are you doing? I’m dropping trou, bro.

No, you don’t need to drop trou.

Use the "unzip the fly, reach in, and pull it out" method

like you’re taking a piss at the parking lot

of a Yankee game. Go. Okay.

All right. Um, hi. How are you? My dick is over here.

Yeah. | don’t want to watch you pull it out. That’s too gay.

Is it really? It’s too gay? You might have a relapse

or something and wanna start playing with it?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. | didn’t mean it. Mike, I’m sorry.

Please. Come back. All right? Just take a look, will you?

All right. Just let me know when it’s out,

and then I'll turn around. Okay.

[FLY UNZIPS]

Ahem. Okay, I’m ready.

Holy shit, dude! What? What?

Jesus Christ! What do you see? What is it?

Well, the-- | mean, there wasn’t much to see,

but from what | saw it looked like--

A-- A baby carrot, dude. You got to see a doctor.

No! I’m not going to the doctor’s.

Every time | go to the doctor’s, it's bad news.

I’m not doing that. A baby carrot? Come on!

What’s up, guys? Oh, hey, Frank.

Frank, he’s got problems with his cock, dude.

Again with the dick problems?

| swear to God, you'd be a millionaire

if you just cut that thing off, sold it to science.

Yeah. So what's the problem this time,

other than the size?

It looks like a hairy cheese doodle.

What? Yeah. It’s orange.

It’s not orange, okay?

And it’s not small, for your information.

Oh, yeah, it is. Let’s have a look.

Hell, no. I'm not showing you if you’re gonna make fun of it.

Well, can’t promise you that. I’m not gonna show you.

Fine. You want to go with Dr. Doolittle’s diagnosis.

All right, all right, I'll show it to you.

| need your advice, bro, seriously. Come on.

[SIGHS]

What’s your problem, moron?

Not looking again, dude.

What, are you afraid you’re gonna have a homo relapse?

That’s what | said. Yeah? All right. Whip it out.

All right, ready? Yeah.

Oh, my God, dude.

What, have you been humping a bowl of yams?

Whoa! Shit. What the hell?

Garrity’s got an orange cock.

Hey, | don’t have an orange cock. | don't.

It’s not orange. Come on.

Let me see.

No.

Why not? I’m not letting you see.

No, no. You let them see. | want to s--

Let me see, man. Come on.

Sorry. Not interested in showing a black dude my Johnson.

Come on, I’m not trying to judge you.

| just want to help you. Let me check it out.

[CHATTER OVER RADIO]

All right.

[WHISTLES]

Mm-hm. Okay? So what?

Is it...orange?

| don’t think I'd go so far as to say

your shit is orange, per se,

but it’s definitely a lot darker than brothers I’ve seen.

Exactly how many brothers’ cocks have you seen, brother?

| was on my high school basketball team.

We used to take showers together after practice.

| love this reminiscing about memory lane and all,

but seriously, my cock is the issue. Could we--

All right, all right, all right. Let me check it out again.

Really?

Come on, come on. | need to see it again.

Oh, my God.

Mmm.

Man. That is just... I'll come back.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, probie.

| need you to get Lou and tell him to come here.

He’s got to take a look at Garrity’s pecker.

Is this a gag, or did | get assigned to the only

all-queer firehouse in New York?

Could you just please do what you’re told, probie?

No questions. Jesus.

Probies, such assholes.

Says the guy standing there with his orange dick in his hand.

Hey, Lou. Ah.

Uh...the guys, th-they need you to--

Ahh.

Well, th-they want you to, uh...

[SIGHS]

Franco and the guys need you in the locker room

to check out Garrity’s pecker.

Jesus. Why didn’t you just say so?

Okay. What is it this time?

Slight discoloration.

Yeah, if you consider traffic-cone orange slight.

Okay, it’s not that orange, Lou, | promise.

All right. Show me, uh, what little you got.

All right. You ready? Yeah.

Mmm. Oh.

Why does your dick look like a bald George Hamilton?

Oh, come on. Is it that bad, really?

Looks like you disconnected your dick

and sent it down to Miami for the weekend.

Yeah, if your dick was a movie, it'd be A Cockwork Orange.

Where you been putting that? Nowhere, | promise.

Have you been banging some skanky-ass bitches?

No, | haven’t been banging anyone,

and if | did, she wouldn’t be orange, okay?

I’ve been jerking off, is all. You might want to loosen up

on the kung-fu grip there, G.I. Junior.

| think you got hand burn. Yeah.

Why don’t you use some lube or something?

Of course I’m using lube. | borrowed Mike’s Jergens.

Which Jergens? What do you mean,

which Jergens? Jergens is Jergens, right?

No, no, no. There’s the Jergens moisturizer

and the Jergens self-tanner,

and both tubes look pretty much identical.

Hmm.

| guess that would explain, then,

my predicament down here.

And here. MIKE: Yeah. Oh, man.

Is it too soon to request a transfer?

Hey.

I’m not stealing your leftovers.

Christ, chief, look at me.

There are no leftovers. You got a second?

Yeah. Listen. Is it about the Franco-lesbo fight?

Because | floated the idea past some of our bigger bettors,

and they love it!

No. That’s-- That’s good, but no, it’s not about that.

It’s something personal. You all right?

Yeah. No, I’m fine. Look.

You probably heard through the grapevine already, you know,

I’m getting married in a couple days.

I’ve been hearing whispers. Congratulations.

Thank you. Thank you. But look. It’s really-- It’s no big thing.

It’s gonna be a small civil union.

Probably gonna be at the bar, you know, one night.

| wanted to ask you if you would, you know,

stand up for me, be my best man.

Jesus, Lou.

I’m touched.

| mean, | know we go back,

but | never thought you thought about me...

| would be honored to do that for you.

Good. Thank you.

But | gotta ask, why not Tommy?

Well, uh, let’s just say

Tommy’s not 100 percent behind, uh,

the notion of me marrying an ex-hooker who, you know,

once upon a time took all my money and vanished.

Some guys just don’t get it. No.

Still, he’s your best pal. He’s not gonna be in your wedding?

Oh, no, he’ll be there.

But not the best man?

Well, he’s the best man in theory.

Then what the hell am | doing there?

You're gonna be the best man buffer.

See, | need a buffer in case things go south.

Buffer’s got to get in there--

Okay. Stop saying "buffer." Calm down.

| understand. And, Lou, | support your decision, okay?

But just devil’s advocate here for a minute, all right?

Tommy’s a prickly son of a bitch, we all know that,

but maybe he’s got a point.

| mean, underneath that nasty, rude veneer of his,

he is just looking out for you.

Yeah, look. | spent enough sleepless nights

staring up at the ceiling about this, you know.

Am | doing the right thing? | mean, marriage again?

For Christ’s sakes.

And then | look at her...

and | think to myself, "my God,

"| could have this for the rest of my life?

| mean, | gotta be the luckiest man on Earth.”

Believe me, | know. You're looking at a guy

that went online, found a 5’9" blond Russian broad

to spend the rest of his life with.

My friend, | am your buffer.

Yeah? Absolutely.

I’d do anything for you, pal.

Really? You just name it.

Because | just had this one more thing.

Shoot.

Could you tell Tommy he’s not gonna be my best man?

Oh, I’m not doing that.

All you got to do is say, like--

I’m not doing that. Get yourself another buffer.

SHAWN: Yo, dawg, you want a ride home?

Okay. Do you see a tail hanging out of my ass?

No. Okay? I’m nobody’s dog.

Stop playing. You know you’re my dawg.

Listen. What is it with you, anyway? It’s not even Wednesday,

you're almost over your quota for the week, right?

But me and Col were gonna watch a movie. And wait, wait.

Hold up. You see, that was a move-in day.

So that doesn’t count.

No, no. Move-in day counts. Every time counts.

See, | don’t care if you're just dropping off flowers. It counts.

You could be a half a block away and just getting lunch,

and that counts. Besides, the whole idea was

she was gonna be spending more time on her own.

That’s why she got her own place.

You guys are spending more time together.

Shit, you got me, man.

No, she’s got you by the balls. [PHONE RINGING]

Female Gavin 101. Hang on.

Damn it! Ah!

Yeah.

| need you to come over and fix my sink.

Okay. That’s your super’s job.

No! My super is super-creepy.

Okay. | got a little headline for you.

It’s part of their job description.

"Make sure your ass crack is hanging out,

"make sure you got six or seven stains on your T-shirt,

and, you know, you’re creepy." Okay? That’s--

Tommy, please? It’s disgusting.

Okay. I-- I’m coming.

Looks like I’m not the only one

who’s got their balls caught on the vise grip.

Heh. Drop me off at Sheila’s.

Only if move-in day don’t count.

Boy, you’re starting to think like a Gavin.

Black Irish, baby.

Ha! So funny. Ha.

Here you go.

Thanks. Mm-hmm.

Oh, boy. This thing’s a pain in the ass.

Mmm.

What?

What?

Do y-- So you’re not gonna say anything?

What about, my creepy super?

Tommy, the sink was not a euphemism.

Uh-huh. Okay?

Damian can’t or won't come over and fix anything,

I’m totally useless with a wrench,

and that super-creepy super stares at my tits

the whole time that we're talking, unless,

on the rare occasion that he is ogling my ass.

Really? Can you stop staring at my tits?

You know, you can’t see your ass

in the position you're sitting in.

Mm-hm.

So the sink wasn’t an excuse to get me over here

to talk about the, uh, Janet situation?

Nope.

[SIGHS]

Listen.

It’s a lose-lose situation for me. If | pick her, | lose you.

If | pick you, | lose her

and access to Katy

a-and the baby.

That’s what it’s about.

It’s about the baby and Katy--

Mostly Katy right now.

It is.

Go ahead, say-- Say it.

Furniture.

What, you want me to--? You want me to move stuff?

Food, furniture,

smitten.

| have no idea what you're talking about now.

| gotta get this done,

and | gotta get out of here, so...

See, that’s how it works for me.

A fine Italian sofa,

couple of glasses of wine,

fresh handmade pasta in a white sauce,

and a man that | am

so begoggled by

that just the sight of his ass

in the right pair of jeans

or a glimpse of his shoulder

bursting from a short sleeve

is enough to make me want to

tear off all his clothes

and just go.

Smitten.

You see...

Right now, that guy is you.

And you leave...

I’m eventually gonna find someone else.

And the same goes for her.

You see...

You're not the only cock on this walk, brother.

But still...

After all the bullshit...

| still get wet

when | watch you

or when | hear the sound of your voice.

You choose me,

and you know what you’re getting

both in and out of bed.

You know how | kiss,

you know how | taste...

And | happen to know that you like that taste.

You see...

The spark

and the edge

on that very fine line

that we ride

when you’ve got my legs

hung hard

around your hips...

and there’s sweat and...

there’s a hum...

And there is this need,

this really deep hunger

that, uh...

is so deep that we could just swallow each other whole...

and then evaporate

in ecstasy.

That all goes away.

And as far as my crazy train is concerned,

I’m not the one who sees my dead husband.

How’s he doing, by the way?

[SIGHS]

[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING]

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