Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Previously on Rescue Me...

Congratulations, probie. You're now Officially a member

of the brotherhood of dysfunctional action junkies.

You stopped being Tommy Gavin today

and you started playing mother hen to that kid.

| promised his mother that | would keep an eye on him.

From now on, Damien is with Lou.

Knowing that whenever he goes into a fire, you're gonna be right by his side,

just makes everything better.

Benefit for Garrity to help him out with his medical expenses,

at the bar this Saturday night.

Maybe you could have your girlfriend invite some of her friends.

You know, I'm sure she's got some hot fillies in her stable, right?

-Yeah, and a couple of bulls too, | think. -Hmm...

Carla's not a dyke, Lou.

It was the guys, all right?

You know, they met you, and, you know,

they said they were picking up a slight vibe. Oh!

What vibe?

|! am not an alcoholic.

I'm gonna spend the rest of my time on this particular planet, drinking.

You're setting some example for your sponsee Derek there.

Mike says that once Sean's mom and brother take off, | can move in with those guys.

If they ever find out stupidity's contagious, you could be in trouble.

We're being nice to each other to gain back our daughter's love and affection.

We're having sex, because it's mutually pleasurable.

You knew Johnny Bones?

Sadly, | never met the man.

-Turn the camera off. -No, no, no, no.

-What? -| know, you're not angry at me

you're angry at the system and...

| am angry at the system, but unfortunately for you

the system doesn't happen to be here.

Will you hold my drink, please? And...

(Grunts) What are you doing?

Get off of me! Hey!

Oh! I love eggs. | do. And bacon.

Ooh, | love the bacon.

l-- anything with bacon, really.

You know, like salad

or BLTs or cheeseburgers. | love cheeseburgers.

Ooh. | would eat bacon 24/7,

only | don’t need my ass going all Kim Kardashian on me.

You know, whoo-ooh?

| don’t think you have to worry about that.

You still love my ass, don’t you?

Yeah. Of course.

Best ass ever.

You don’t think it’s too fat?

No.

Would you even tell me if you did?

Yes.

Don’t start that now, because you know,

| tell you this all the time.

| mean, you could--

Literally, you could eat that plate of bacon every day.

You’d have to eat

all the neighborhood bacon every morning.

You could eat all the American bacon

and all the Canadian bacon.

You'd have to, you know--

You're tiny, and you’re a little spinner.

[CHUCKLES]

What made you say Canadian bacon?

Heh. I-- You know.

| was just talking about how much bacon you’d have to eat.

You know what | mean? | just used Canadian bacon

because | don’t think think there’s a European--

They don’t have their own--

Because what’s-her-face is from Toronto.

Uh...

Uh, | don’t think | Know what we’re talking about anymore.

That chick

from Jennifer’s birthday party.

You know the one. The one with the big tits.

The blond with the angora sweater

that you were talking to and flirting with--

| wasn't flirting with her.

And making goo-goo eyeballs at.

What am | talking about?

You don’t even know who Jennifer is,

much less her birthday party,

or the fact that that fat-ass bimbo

is from Canada.

But | bet you do remember her tits, right?

As a matter of fact, | bet that you are picturing her tits

right now in your head.

I’m not. I-- Okay. Okay. I--

| didn’t know she was from Canada,

and the only reason-- I’m thinking about the sweater

is what I’m picturing, because you br--

You know, talked about the--

The-- Because-- It was fluffy.

That’s what you just reminded me of.

[IN BABY TALK] Oh. Was it fluffy?

Did you want to pet it ‘cause it was so fluffy

and filled with fake tit?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Because, you know, those tits were fake.

They’re faker than Donatella Versace’s forehead.

And | ain’t making you a goddamn frittata, you ass-face!

Maybe | should make you a tittata, huh?

Maybe a fluffy tittata?

[SIZZLING]

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

Listen-- Just shut it down.

You brought up-- Shh.

[SIGHS]

Would you like red and green peppers, or just red?

You know, whatever. Whatever. Just, you know...

Whatever?

| mean, you know, whatever--

Whatever you’re chopping there, it’s great,

everything’s good. It’s all good.

[SIGHS] What?

[SOBBING]

No, no. Sheil, I--

Listen.

Sheila. Wait. | didn’t--

| never thought about that--

Oh. [DOOR SHUTS]

Christ.

[SIGHS]

Hey.

Morning, sunshine.

What did | say? What'd you say?

First of all, you said, "fluffy."

Then, you said "whatever"

when she asked you about red or green peppers.

What you should have said was either,

"Oh, both. Both would be fantastic, baby."

Or almost immediately,

"You treat me so goddamn good" as you snuggled up behind her

and gave her a great big hug. But you didn't. It’s okay.

Let’s forget about the peppers

for a moment. | need to know

when are you gonna tell her

about the new situation with Damian?

Because, by the way,

as | told you, I’m fine with it because | love Lou.

| trust Lou.

| figure between you and Lou and the pussy, Damian’s dynamite.

Which pussy? Which pussy? What do you--

You know, the kid. The kid with the hair and the skin creams.

Silletti. Whatever. The point is--

The point is, | know Damian’s in good hands, right?

But you better let her know now, goddamn it.

What? Whatever.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, shit. It’s her.

Hey, you--

Hey. [PILLS RATTLING]

What have you got?

My meds. | forgot my meds.

That’s why | was a little jumpy before.

Oh! Vegetables. Oh.

[SIGHS]

Ugh.

So--

|, uh-- Ahem.

| wanted to tell you something.

Shoot.

How many of those do you take?

[BELCHES] You really wanna know?

This is Ativan.

Right. For anti-anxiety.

This is Xanax,

also for anti-anxiety

because my shrink doesn’t want to tell her doctor friend

that the Ativan isn’t enough to calm me down,

so | gotta go to a second shrink

and really pour it on with her

so that she'll get her doctor friend

to double me up, which is nice.

Now, this one is the Adderall,

which counteracts how sleepy these two make me

and also gives me an extra little boost

in the morning, you know,

just so that I’m really, really excited about the day ahead.

And then, these are related to my libido

and my terror sweats that | get.

What did you wanna tell me?

Uh, you get, uh, terror sweats?

Oh, yeah.

Well...

|-- What did | want?

| wanted to--

Wanted to tell you,

um, tell you-- Oh.

How...

...cute and...

...sexy your little round ass is.

That’s what | was-- Is that true?

Yup! [CHUCKLES]

It’s so nice of you to make me this big breakfast and--

Oh! Yeah.

That’s what | was gonna tell you.

Oh! Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Don’t get it.

| got to.

Yeah?

Morning, Tom.

You got the news on this morning?

No.

Why don’t you put it on Channel 12

and get your ass down here pronto, shithead?

Okay. Turn that TV on, Channel 12.

See the cover of the Daily News today?

No. Well,

you're on the front page, my friend.

Do me a favor,

promise me you'll sign my copy first.

TOMMY [OVER TV]: The system doesn't happen to be here.

GERARD: What are you doing?

Oh, no. Wait, wait.

MAN [ON TV]: Gavin then started--

what can only be described as a drunken brawl.

That was my first drink.

| hadn't even taken a sip of that yet.

Jumped in to break up the-- SHEILA: Oh!

[LAUGHS]

Oh, yeah.

--dedication deteriorated into chaos.

You are so cute when--

When I’m angry?

No. When you’re fighting.

By the time the two were finally pulled--

| gotta go. Aw, man.

Son of a bitch!

[THE VON BONDIES’ "C’MON, C’MON" PLAYING]

On another day C’mon, c’mon f

With these ropes tied tight Can we do no wrong? J

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now it’s gone

Things were good When we were young f

~ When my teeth bite down | can see the blood J

J Of a thousand men Who have come and gone f

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now it’s gone

Things were good When we were young f

Ils it safe to stay? J ~C’mon, c’mon f

? Was it right to leave? J ~C’mon, c’mon J

< Will | ever learn? I ~C’mon, c’mon f

~ C’mon, c’mon C’mon, c’mon J

[SIGHS]

What?

| got Irish influenza.

| only meant to have one drink last night.

Ah. Just unwind, sitting at my local.

| was feeling pretty good.

Then the late news comes on,

and there you are, true to form,

carrying on like an asshole.

Okay-- Only this time

this camera’s in the room.

So one becomes two, two becomes four,

four becomes eight. Congratulations, Tommy.

You're the first man who’s ever driven me to drink,

other than the Mets. | wasn’t drinking.

No? What was that, iced tea in your rocks glass?

It was my first drink.

| hadn't taken a sip of it yet. Uh-huh.

Listen.

You, me, and Bonesy used to go out

and get shitfaced together

Come on. all the time,

and we ended up having an argument

about who was the least shitfaced

because that guy was gonna drive home.

Okay? He was a great fireman,

he was a good guy,

and that sleazy, fat prick was trying to use his memory

for a political campaign.

He’s a politician. That’s what they do.

| didn’t go looking for trouble.

You never do, Tommy,

but it always seems to be going off in your vicinity.

But hey,

that’s why you do what you do and | do what | do.

Yeah. That’s right.

| fight fires, and you push paper.

Yeah. That joke never gets old.

No joke, pal.

What happened to us, Tommy, huh?

We went through the academy together.

Yeah. We did jobs together.

We lost brothers together.

And we looked out for each other.

We were friends.

Yep. Were.

You treat Jerry this way?

Huh?

Did you give him agita on a daily basis

to the point where he’s shitting blood?

Tell me something, Tommy.

Am | gonna end up with a gun in my mouth too?

[BOTH GRUNTING]

That’s it. Go ahead. That’s it.

Hit your superior officer. Yeah, | will.

Do it. Here. Take this.

Split my skull open.

You stupid son of a bitch.

Don’t you think | would love to throw on the bunker gear

and charge into a burn with you again?

| can’t do that anymore.

| got a responsibility

to the families of these men to keep them safe.

God forbid you die,

| gotta go to your house, | gotta ring your bell,

and | gotta tell Janet her husband’s never coming home.

Then | gotta tell Colleen

that her father’s not gonna be at her wedding.

And then | gotta tell Katy that Daddy’s dead.

[BOTH PANTING]

[GRUNTS]

Oh, shit.

Faggot. Pussy.

All right, look. Here’s the deal.

You quit drinking for a while,

and then | can tell the brass we got all this under control.

Now, if you refuse,

our new probie, your godson, who | fought to get in this house--

Yeah.

--because you begged me to do the right thing by him and you?

Uh-huh. He'll be relieved

of all the shit duties as they pertain to cleaning this place.

And those duties will fall on you.

[SCOFFS] I’m not doing that shit.

A week. Quit drinking for a week.

[SCOFFS] | can do that in my sleep.

How about two?

Okay.

The deal is 30 days.

You quit drinking for 30 days.

In a row?

[DISPATCH RADIO CHATTERING]

This is better than watching one of those Jason Bourne movies.

We got any popcorn?

| sent the probie down the block to get some.

| swear to God,

| haven’t seen Tommy clean a thing

since he was on happy pills.

Do you think he’s on happy pills now?

Do | look like I’m on goddamn happy pills, asshole?

Turn the camera off, Lou.

Ooh, close-up. Close-up. Nope.

Happy pills or not,

he does have a knack for this.

Yeah. You see what he did in the bathroom?

Aw, amazing. Beautiful, man.

| had a hard time dropping a deuce in that toilet,

it was so clean. And | had four cups of coffee

and Bran Flakes for breakfast. You had Bran Flakes?

Yeah. We’re all out of pancake batter.

SHAWN: And the urinals.

| could see my reflection in the porcelain.

It was like taking a piss on my own face.

[CHUCKLES] And there he is.

Get the popcorn? DAMIAN: Yeah.

Good. Go throw it in the nuker

because we need more treats.

You guys aren’t gonna believe what | saw across the street.

What did you see across the street?

[MEN GASP]

No sudden moves.

We don’t want to

frighten her off.

Hi. Can we help you?

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

Oh, da, da. Da. Upstairs.

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

Okay. Um, hey, Davy,

would you take this lovely young lady upstairs to see Needles?

Chief Nelson. Da!

Da, da. [SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

Da. Da. All right, Davey.

You got it Lou. LOU: Thank you.

Okay, uh, who the hell is that,

and why is she looking for Needles?

Well, that, my dear friends, is Mrs. Needles.

Since when is there a Mrs. Needles?

Since two weeks ago, when she came from Russia.

This is what Feinberg was talking about, mail-order bride.

Whoa, whoa. So Needles got a Russian mail-order bride?

Yeah, says Feinberg. Apparently he was so tired

of taking shit from far less attractive American women--

Who isn’t? That he jumped online

and ordered himself a bride.

| thought he was married. Was married. Nasty divorce.

The wife got everything: alimony, the kid.

SHAWN: You don’t have to worry about that

with a Russian mail-order bride. Mm.

Do they grow them on farms over there or something?

Well, not really. It’s the second-biggest export

in Russia next to vodka: good-lookin’ broads.

Man, I'd love to introduce her to Dr. Zhivago.

Did you just refer to your shit as Dr. Zhivago?

Yeah. Just with Russian chicks, though.

If they’re Irish chicks, it’s Michael Collins,

with French chicks it’s Napoleon.

British chicks, King Arthur. King Arthur, huh?

It used to be David Beckham, but too many chicks

have seen Bend It Like Beckham, so got a little dangerous.

She had an amazing frame, huh? FRANCO: Yeah.

| like her pussy belt.

What the hell’s a pussy belt?

It’s a super-short skirt, like it’s just there

to hold up the pussy. Or her underwears.

[ALL LAUGH]

She’s not wearing any.

Excuse us?

That's what | was trying to tell you guys.

| saw her getting out of her car.

| got a full-on, low angle Britney Spears.

LOU: Oh, my god.

A glorious sight like that wasted on a probie.

Wow. That’s not fair.

Anything else of interest you have to tell us?

Birthmarks, bush size,

any sign at all of male-female genitalia?

Uh, well, if she did just come from Russia,

then it must be unseasonably warm there

because she’s totally shaved.

[ALL GASP AND LAUGH]

Yeah. A shaved Russian.

Oh, it sounds like a drink.

So Mrs. Needles is walking around the firehouse

wearing a pussy belt and no underwears.

Says the probie.

What, you think I’m lying?

Have you ever even seen a real, life, breathing vagina?

I’m not talking about in a magazine or on the Internet.

I’m talking live in the flesh. Yeah.

Franco’s right. We need confirmation.

You can’t leave this shit to the word of a probie.

It’s too crucial. | feel a bet coming on.

All right. Here’s the thing.

The first one of us that gets confirmation

that Mrs. Needles is parading around without panties

underneath her pussy belt is the winner.

Winner of what?

A first-hand, up-close look at Mrs. Needles’ vagina.

[ALL EXCLAIM]

They'll sleep tonight.

When did you learn how to speak Russian?

Russian phone-sex lines. Aha.

| was thinking about picking up a second language,

and | was really horny, so two birds, one stone.

Mm-hm.

Okay. Well, let’s see where we were.

Ah. Okay.

And action, Tommy.

Thanks for bringing down the borscht, babe.

Da. [PHONE RINGING]

I’d walk you out, but the phones are going crazy.

You'll be all right? Da.

Da.

[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

Oh, hi. Hi. How you doing?

|, uh-- Sorry. | didn’t see you coming.

| just got my head in these reports, you know.

| dropped-- | dropped my pencil.

I’m gonna need that later.

Okay. Well, it’s nice seeing you again.

And, uh, have a good day.

| got some work to do down here.

l’Il see you around.

Goddamn.

What the hell’s the matter with you?

Am | getting fat...ter?

Yeah.

[GRUNTING]

Unh. Sixteen.

Oh. Hey. Did you find him?

Chief Nelson?

Da, da. Ah, good.

[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

Huh?

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

Yeah, sure.

Uh, yeah, hey.

Don’t be shy, girl. Come on in.

Sure. Rest yourself. [SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

Yeah.

[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN] Whoa, whoa.

Thank you. Sure.

I’m just getting in a little workout.

I’m a boxer, so gotta stay fit.

Shoulders, arms, chest.

Abs.

Oh! Goddamn! Son of a bitch.

Douche bag. Asshole. Shitface.

[GROANS]

Oh.

[SIGHS]

Oh.

Hi.

[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

Phew.

Ah.

[DISPATCH RADIO CHATTERING]

TOMMY: Who is it?

Get out here.

Hey. What the hell are you doing?

Didn’t | tell you to clean the rig?

Yeah. | cleaned the top part. Now, I’m cleaning the bottom.

Very thorough.

Yes.

You, uh, see Snezyana?

Snezyana...

Um, a white waiter hat, brown skirt?

Yeah. See the legs?

Oh, yeah.

It’s my wife.

Nice.

All right. Go clean the storeroom

when you get done, handsome. It’s a mess.

You got it.

Hi.

Are you kidding me?

Nope.

Well, did you see it?

What do you think?

Let me put it this way:

I’m a new toolbox away from being her gynecologist.

Bye.

Ow! Shit.

Goddamn it.

It’s like cleaning Stevie Wonder’s

goddamn basement in here. Ow!

Hey. Shit. Hey.

What are you doing here? You okay?

Yeah. What’s going on?

Ah, the guys told me that Needles has you in the doghouse.

Okay, listen. | had a drink in my hand,

but | had not even-- | just came to show you this.

What is it?

It’s a letter from Katy.

Oh. Great.

Yeah. Saying what great day she had

shopping with us and having lunch,

and the hope we’d read this.

Oh, really? Okay.

And she actually mentioned me as Mom four times,

not to mention the "Dear Mom" at the top.

Oh, that’s awesome. And this is

the perfect situation and location

for a quickie.

No, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes. No, honey, no. Don't.

Sweetheart. Yes. We used to do this all the time.

| Know. Honey-- It was So good.

Doghouse. Honey, it was so good.

Doghouse. You have delicious,

Needles gave me a-- delicious eyes.

Honey--

No, no, no. You--

Yes, yes. What--

Ah. Jesus Christ.

Come on.

[GROANS]

That’s right. That's right. That’s right.

Oh, my God, honey. Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Baby, wait. Okay.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

| can’t-- Unh. Can you see?

No. Unh.

There we go. Oh, yeah.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Oh, yeah. Okay?

[BOTH MOANING]

[CLATTERING]

Shh. Ooh.

Shh.

Oh!

[MUFFLED GRUNTS]

[MUFFLED THUDS NEARBY]

[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

Oh, this is gonna be quick, honey.

[GROANING] Come on.

Aah!

MIKE [OUTSIDE]: Tom?

Tommy? Yeah? Yeah?

Everything all right in there?

Yes! Scrubbing.

[PANTING] You guys gotta start

picking up after yourselves.

I’m not-- I’m not a maid!

Yep.

Okay, | think he’s gone.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, that was awesome. Ohl!

[LAUGHS] Oh, my God.

See? Oh, my God, that was good.

We gotta clean up. Come on.

Oh. Holy shit.

| gotta tell you, we--

You know, this is great, but we gotta go out, you know?

Like, uh, what do you mean?

You know, out, like on a date.

Like with Katy?

No, no. Us.

You know, dinner and, you know, a movie.

[CHUCKLES]

Tommy, come on. This was a date.

No, honey, no. Yes, yes.

You know, let’s just consider this a dinner and a movie,

and, uh,

we just skipped, like, the dinner and the movie.

Okay?

Do | look-- Do | look all right?

Yeah, you’re fine. Jesus. NEEDLES: Done in there, Gavin?

Oh, it’s you.

Hey, you know what? | was actually just leaving.

Uh, | had some really great news for Tommy.

Uh-huh. Mm-hm. You know what?

Katy just got straight A’s. Mwah!

TOMMY: Yes. She’s doing, uh,

great in school.

These guys. It’s just-- Just-- | mean, it’s--

Ah, raised by wolves. It’s unbelievable.

| mean, it’s like they just have no--

Animals, every one of them.

Yes. And I’m thinking

30 seconds earlier, | would have caught you.

What?

Those yours?

Hm.

My wife stopped by earlier today. Shit.

Yeah. She didn’t leave

anything like that behind.

[DOOR SHUTS]

Because she wasn’t wearing any.

Yeah, dude, it’s totally sweet.

| mean, the sofa’s really comfortable.

It’s got, like, one of those pull-out beds.

One hundred percent genuine leather,

and | got a sick deal on it.

DAMIAN: Cool. Hey!

MIKE: Hey! What’s going on?

What’s up, home? Hey, what’s up, Damian?

What’s happening? How are you?

Good. You doing a little

couch surfing? Hope you don’t mind.

No. Hey, man, Mike’s casa es su Casa.

He got a good deal, by the way.

That’s genuine leather, really expensive stuff.

Cool. Hey, congrats on not dying,

by the way. Thank you.

| got a whole new outlook on life, my friend.

No regrets, you know. I’m just gonna

live the day, you know what | mean? Carp diem.

Hey, what's that?

It’s a Roman term.

It means, you know, live for the now.

"Seize the day." And it’s actually, carpe diem.

Well, that’s Roman for carp.

No, | don’t think so.

[CHUCKLES]

Actually, yeah, | think it is,

my friend. You see, fish,

they live a very limited lifespan, so by nature,

they simply must live for the now.

It’s basically the basis for the entire expression, bro.

Pfft. The lifespan of a fish?

Yeah. You learn something new every day, huh?

You guys got a gig coming up, don’t you?

Yeah. SEAN: Sweet. You excited?

Big time, dude. Hell yeah.

What’s the name of the band again? Indian Rugburn?

Apache Stone, dude.

Apache Stone. Sounds like Joba Chamberlain

just lit up a doobie in the bullpen.

[LAUGHS]

Joba Chamberlain’s an Indian?

Yeah, man. Ah. | thought he was a Yankee.

Hey, are there gonna be chicks at this thing?

Aw, dude, man, whoa. Really?

Frank says that he’s going to have his lesbo girlfriend,

invite some of her hot chick lesbo friends.

So we're in, dude. Mike, | got enough trouble

with regular vaginas.

You're gonna invite a bunch of vaginas

that are attracted to other vaginas?

What the hell is that? It’s like math.

| hate math. Even vagina math.

Most of these chicks go both ways, right?

Frank says he’s having the best sex of his life, dude.

All right. Could we give them,

like, a special bracelet or something at the door

so we know which one of these fuzz-bumpers go both ways?

It’s Supposed to be a party, right?

If there’s any work involved, I’d rather just stay home

and rub one out myself. But would a carp do that?

You're right. He’s right. Did you see that?

The student became the teacher.

Touche, my friend.

CARLA: Okay, girl, cool. Bring ’em all. Yeah.

[CARLA LAUGHS]

Yeah. I'll see you then. All right.

My girls are in. Yeah?

Yeah. Ah. How many are we talking?

Ten or so, | think. Holy shit.

And they may bring some of their own friends too.

Sweet. Mm-hm.

They hot?

You looking to get lucky? [SIGHS]

Baby, | already am lucky, duh.

All right? But it’s good for business.

Don’t worry about it. My girls are hot.

Do you think I’m the type of girl

that rolls with some cockeyed bitches?

Cockeyed?

Busted. Ugly.

Oh. Right.

Uh, so they’re girly-type girls, right?

What kind of question is that?

Uh, it’s just a regular question.

| just want the guys to know what to expect, is all.

You're still hung up on that dyke bullshit.

Nah. Yeah.

All right. A little bit, maybe.

Look, baby, you gotta understand.

Where | work, the guys, they’re relentless.

So you think I’m a lesbo

because your friends think I’m a lesbo.

Hey, | don’t think that, okay?

I’ve just been thinking about it.

[SCOFFS]

You know, | met your friends, Franco.

They seem like a nice bunch of guys.

But now, | think it’s a case of them using good looks and humor

to make up for a lack of intelligence.

| don’t follow.

They’re idiots.

Yeah, yeah. Of course they are.

| mean, you know, we're all idiots

at some time or another, right?

No. | think they’re punching the idiot clock

pretty much 9 to 5 and during their off-hours.

And you can tell they’re idiots just from a few quick hellos?

It’s a little judgmental, don’t you think?

Oh, well. Never start a fight

if you’re not willing to get hit back.

Carla, those are my friends you're Calling idiots.

And I’m your girlfriend they’re calling a dyke.

So you think long and hard about the shit your friends pull,

the situations they get themselves in,

the stupid shit that comes out of their mouth.

And then you think about me and you,

alone in your bedroom.

No clothes on.

Hm.

So who you gonna believe, huh?

Not that bunch of idiots.

Gorgeous.

Ha-ha! Smart.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SIGHS]

Okay. | went down there

to do the right thing and honor Bones’ memory.

| had a drink in my hand,

but | had not even taken one sip of it

when this guy came up and started in with me,

and he got under my skin, and that’s

what happened.

Just spent, uh, three and a half hours

cleaning this place,

so, uh, you want an ash tray?

Yeah. All right.

I’ve still got a lot of stuff left to do,

so if you came down here to stare a hole through me,

you're going to be boring one right through my ass.

All right?

[SIGHS]

What?

It’s good practice.

For what?

Rehab.

If you ever go.

Listen,

| don’t give a shit how much you drink

or what you drink or where you drink or why.

But when your drinking starts appearing

in the newspaper and on the television,

then,

you see, then you gotta answer for it.

And you might wanna take your head out of your ass

for five seconds and look around for Derek.

Remember Derek, huh? Yeah.

Your sponsee? Yeah?

Nobody’s seen the guy for a week,

hasn’t been to any meetings,

not answering phone calls.

You, you can drink yourself to death, okay?

But you made a commitment to this kid.

Anything happens to him, his blood will be on your hands.

[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA]

[SIGHS]

Hey, chief. Mick. How are you?

Good.

Hey, Tommy. This place looks great.

Yeah, | know.

The cigarette butt.

| got it. Hm?

What are you doing?

What the--?!

Oh. I’ve been dying to use this thing.

| bought it at a joke shop two years ago.

They were right. It made a mess.

[SIGHS]

[RINGING]

[SIGHS]

Oh, boy. Yeah?

Hey, Tom. It’s Derek, man. How’s it going?

Hey, where are you?

I’m down at the bar, man.

You been drinking?

| took some shit.

What-- What did you take?

Huh? What did you take?

Derek. Derek!

| took some Oxycontin.

I’m gonna close my eyes before | head out, man.

Hey, listen. Don’t go anywhere. I’m coming right down, okay?

Okay. Cool.

Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Hey.

Hey.

You all right?

Yep.

Did you drink?

Nope.

You take the pills?

Nope.

What’s wrong?

Hey, guys, he’s here.

What?

You son of a bitch.

Whoa. Whoa. Don’t blame Derek.

[TOMMY SIGHS] All right?

We put him up to this.

[SIGHS] Oh, boy.

It’s time, brother.

Okay.

Listen, | had a drink in my hand--

We know, we know. Never a sip slipped your lips.

| must have heard that a million goddamn times.

| Knew a guy in Nam who shot his own leg off.

Oh, yeah? Was his first name Plaxico?

Had his gun in one hand while he was trying to open

a bottle of Jack Daniels with his teeth.

Guess who he blamed. Here’s a hint: not the booze.

Spills kill too, brother.

Time to retire your number before you come up empty.

Come on, Tom. Think about it.

You know? Like, what is it,

some good times, some laughs, in your case,

a few new females along the way? But what is it really?

It’s a prison.

It’s a prison with two ways out:

sobriety or the graveyard.

ELLIE: We're all here because we love you, Tommy.

With genuine love, not the liquid love

that Theodore thought he found in that Bushmills bottle.

And if not for you, think about your children.

What about Katy and Colleen?

What are they feeling? The shame, the horror?

EDDIE: She’s right, cos.

You know, I-- Well, | feel ashamed.

I-I’m horrified. But this is--

This is devastating.

MAGGIE: How long has it been since you had a drink, Eddie?

Eight months.

Teddy? Twenty-two days.

MAGGIE: Mick? Ninety-seven days

and, uh, 12 hours.

| have almost a year. No thanks to you.

MAGGIE: See, Tom, we’re all here for you.

Most people only have one person to turn to,

a sponsor.

You have a room full of sponsors here.

It’s time to stop.

[SIGHS]

Okay. You guys win.

Jesus.

Enough with the looks. | get it.

Shit.

| mean, it’s just all...

...magic.

Just bottles full of magic wishes.

| wish, uh, things were better.

| wish | was better.

You know, four blasts of this, I’m Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky.

Half bottle in,

| got balls of steel.

I’m hell-bent for leather. I’m just humming.

Big smile on my face,

goddamn song in my goddamn heart.

But you're right.

It’s not fair to the kids. | Know, uh,

| could make a good argument

for this with them too,

because a happy me is a happy them.

You know? They don’t have Dad sitting at the kitchen table

with his head up his ass wondering

how long it was before their Uncle Jimmy

knew that he was gonna be pulverized

into a human goddamn pancake.

Because, you know, happy Dad

wants to play Scrabble or Yahtzee

or watch High School Musical 3

five goddamn times.

But | get it.

| gotta stop sitting in these church basements

with my cold cup of gray coffee

clenched in my white-knuckled claws.

| just gotta

relax, | guess, and learn to--

Oh. Embrace it and

accept it.

That’s the problem with magic.

[TOMMY SIGHS]

| hate goddamn magicians.

David Copperfield

can kiss my bony Irish ass.

Ah.

Anyone else?

What?

Where you going?

Pussy. Who’s up?

Yeah, give me one.

Eddie, what are you doing?

Yeah. You know what? Me too.

Just a tall one.

We were supposed to be doing an intervention.

TEDDY: We know, we know.

| was holding out just fine

until he brought up that thing about the claws.

Damn right.

You had me at "balls of steel.”

Give me one. Yeah. Yeah.

The balls was good. | like the balls bit.

What about the shame thing?

Well, | was ashamed, you know,

because l|’ve been drinking in secret this whole time.

| must have-- | must have spent,

like, two grand on gum and mints

in this past year alone.

| mean, that cum gum stuff? Goddamn.

I’ve been keeping those guys in business.

You got any Grey Goose?

Jesus. You’re unbelievable, you know that?

What? So did you even

actually stay sober these last three years?

Four. No.

Here we go. Get ’em up.

MICK: Hey!

What did you say about David Copperfield?

| said he sucks.

Oh. That’s what | thought.

I’ve always hated that son of a bitch myself.

Set me up.

All right. It’s funny.

David Copperfield was the thing that pushed you over the edge?

MICK: Ah, you know.

Make an elephant disappear.

Watch me make this bar disappear.

That’s what | like to hear.

Well, look at this,

the weak bringing down the strong.

| hope you're happy.

I’m ecstatic. That A.A. coffee was giving me the runs.

Mickey, you are the one person in this family | could count on.

What?

It was your idea to have an intervention in a bar.

Yeah.

All right, guys.

To Maggie. To prison.

To cum gum. To cum gum?

No, see, there’s that gum with the liquid center,

so when you bite into it--

| must have missed something.

Like you’re blowing somebody. Hey, | never blew anybody.

Okay. | blew a guy once.

| really needed the ride.

Okay.

The family that drinks together...

Sinks together. Yeah. Mm.

Ah. Ah.

Mm. [SIGHS]

Welcome back.

[Pre]