Original subtitles

Hey. Hey.

How’s it going? Good.

Yeah? Yeah.

How’s drinking going?

I’m not drinking. What--? What do you mean?

Where’s your chip?

Got it. You got it?

Yeah. Let’s see it.

Oh, no, | don’t have it on me.

Remember, when you gave it to me, | dropped it.

Oh, oh. Thought that was a bad omen.

Oh, anyway, | dropped by to tell you,

you don’t have to worry about Teddy anymore.

He’s drinking.

| don’t know. Probably.

He’s only been missing for a couple of weeks.

Nobody can get a hold of him. Oh.

Ellie’s going out of her mind. This ring a bell?

| was-- Look, my kid-- My daughter was missing,

so | was kind of, you know, consumed by that.

Her mother put her in school upstate.

| gotta go up and see her in a play.

It’s-- Got a pencil, poke my eyes out, you know?

You want to hear about Teddy or not?

| guess I’m gonna, yeah.

You know how he was banged up after your father died?

Right. He figures your father

fought in the big one. He’s gonna go to the memorial.

He’s gonna feel some kind of connection, right?

Yeah. He’s in Maryland or Virginia.

He’s running around volunteering

at every single V.A. hospital there is.

Can you imagine, you're 110 years old,

you fought for your country, you got rid of Hitler,

and now Teddy’s coming at you with a bedpan.

| mean, you know there’s guys down there,

wishing they were back in Okinawa. With Adolph.

Apparently your sister Maggie is down there with him.

She’s into it 110 percent. Oh, that’s great.

Somebody should call Arlington National,

tell them there’s gonna be a rush.

| gotta go. I'll go with you.

See you later, chief. I’m taking off.

Shift ends at 4:00.

It ain't 4:00 yet.

It's 3:57.

Well, guess that means another three minutes, now, doesn’t it?

Shame I’m such an asshole now.

[POLICE RADIO SQUAWKING INDISTINCTLY]

[EXHALES]

What the hell was that about?

You don’t want to know.

Go to the play.

You don’t have any pencils, huh?

LOU: As God as my witness,

I’m am telling you it is an epidemic.

| agree.

Hey, Mick, see you, buddy. Hey, see you, man.

Patrick Dempsey from Grey’s Anatomy.

Oh, McDreamy.

No, McDouchebag is more like it.

Marcia Cross. Who in the hell is that?

Oh, she plays Bree Van de Kamp on Desperate Housewives.

Not that | watch it! What are you talking about?

Celebrities who’ve had twins. Not sex with twins,

you know, twin babies. Yeah, Angelina Jolie had twins,

and so did Julia Roberts.

Puff Daddy’s girlfriend who, believe it or not, is black.

| wish | could really stay here and chat with you guys,

but I’m gonna get away.

REILLY: Two more minutes, Gavin!

How did he even hear me?

Oh, God, I’m so full of shit right now, really.

Amoment of self-awareness?

Seriously, | haven’t taken a shit in five days.

I’m really backed up and | feel like | got a, like,

a shit turducken sitting in my colon.

Oh, what’s a turducken, dude? | get the turd part, but--

It’s a fancy poultry thing.

It's a chicken jammed inside a duck jammed inside a turkey.

In my case, a shit jammed inside

a bigger shit jammed inside a really big shit.

Okay, | never thought I'd say, but can we go back to the twins?

Here’s my theory: | think there is some guy

with this super twin-producing sperm,

running around Hollywood impregnating all these broads.

Who? Who is it? We can find him:

look for a guy with four balls.

[MOUTHING] Oh, yeah.

REILLY: A minute, 12 seconds!

Oh, it’s unbelievable.

Four balls. How do you think he deals with chaffing?

Well, | have another theory:

| think this guy put some of his celebrity baby money

into the design and construction of a special ball harness.

Ooh, like a basket.

No, more like a cradle.

Like a ball hammock.

Ah, a hammock.

And with that, gentlemen, | bid you adieu.

See you.

How--? How did you even do that?

| don’t give away my secrets.

It’s the only way | can keep you assholes in line.

Ten more seconds.

[SCOFFS]

Five.

You can go.

Yeah? Maybe | don’t want to go.

This is it. l’m crowning.

[THE VON BONDIES’ "C’MON, C’MON" PLAYING]

On another day C’mon, c’mon f

With these ropes tied tight Can we do no wrong? J

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now it’s gone

Things were good When we were young f

~ When my teeth bite down | can see the blood J

J Of a thousand men Who have come and gone f

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now it’s gone

Things were good When we were young f

Ils it safe to stay? J ~C’mon, c’mon f

? Was it right to leave? J ~C’mon, c’mon J

< Will | ever learn? I ~C’mon, c’mon f

~ C’mon, c’mon C’mon, c’mon J

No, | don’t know what kind of a play it is.

Something about a family, and Katy is one of the leads.

All right. That’s all | know.

Just tell me it’s not a musical, okay?

because if it’s a musical, | swear to God,

I’m gonna find a big tree and drive right into it.

Colleen is heartbroken, you know.

Did you talk to the boyfriend? He hasn’t called anybody,

he hasn’t shown up to work in, like, two weeks.

Yeah, well, he gave her the "it’s not you, it’s me" speech.

She said that everything was going well.

They had sex one time, and then it just--

It all fell apart.

So our plan worked.

Maybe she was just really bad at it.

That’s not a possibility. Why?

Because | taught her a few things.

You telling me you sat her down?

What did you teach her?

[SIGHS]

You know, maybe we ought to change the subject.

Yeah, new, uh, new page.

So how’s the not drinking going?

| just got my year--

My year chip.

Tommy, that’s great. Yes.

Oh, my god, I’m so proud of you.

You should be so proud of you. It is so amazing.

| also started drinking again, but let me explain.

And that is so stupid!

It’s not stupid. | figured it out.

| have a system. | can control it.

You are not having one goddamn drink the entire weekend.

Not a problem, not a problem. Like | said, | can control it.

Oh, my God. Done. Easy.

Oh, my God, you are gonna ruin this.

Easy, easy.

Okay, you know what?

Everything that we do this weekend

is going to reflect on Katy. | understand that.

Okay, so here’s what you're gonna do:

You are gonna act like you have some manners.

And like you have actually been outside the firehouse

and you’ve had an education.

| just want her to be in a non-toxic environment.

[SCOFFS] Okay.

What’s with the dress, by the way?

That part of the non-toxic thing?

| got an e-mail from Katy requesting that | wear this.

Because she’s catching your disease-- Pretending.

She wants you to have the disease now.

Because she wants you to wear khakis, a polo, and a blazer.

Really?

Did you bring those? Yeah.

Good. Because when we get to the inn,

you know what | want you to do? | want you to take them out

and make sure there’s no wrinkles in them,

and then put them on over the goddamn non-toxic dress, okay?

Would you please do it for Katy?

[SIGHS]

Let me ask you about this Dwight thing, okay?

Oh, | knew we were gonna go here.

Seriously. You want to talk to somebody about not drinking,

maybe you should talk to him.

Alcoholic, pill-head junkie in a wheelchair.

He’s got a major drinking problem going on, okay?

And | got news for you, too. Any guy can go for a long time,

if he has no sensation in his dick, all right?

That’s-- That’s pathetic.

Okay? My relationship with Dwight

has nothing to do with his longevity.

Really? Then what’s it based on, then? Explain it to me,

because I-- He makes me laugh.

Okay. When? When he falls out of the chair?

Let’s not talk the rest of the trip, okay?

Yeah, you know what, let’s not!

Great. Fine.

Just do me a favor, you know?

If you could, just sum up the reason you’re with this guy

in like one word. What would it be?

Cock.

You know, see that big tree right there?

I’m going to drive right into that, okay?

You know, it’s funny you would mention that,

because that tree reminds me of him.

You okay, Lou?

Yeah, |’m fine.

Just having an acute in vino veritas moment.

Yeah.

| don’t follow. In vitro what?

In vino veritas.

In wine, truth. Or in this case, cheap, watered-down vodka.

It’s the realization that Tommy was right.

You know, | got--

| got no shot, nor have | ever had a shot with fair Genevieve.

Want to bang the French chick?

You can do it more poetically, Franco,

but, yes. Have you told him?

That would be a little obvious, | think.

Learn from me, grasshopper.

Oh, you know, | haven’t had one of those in a long time.

Focus.

She’s a hot chick, right?

Guys go for her all the time, and they all play the same game,

all right? They flirt, they bare their souls,

they do everything except tell her what they’re really after.

You do that, you'll be totally, almost grotesquely obvious.

She'll find it so refreshing, by the time she figures out

she doesn’t want to bang you,

you'll be zipping up and heading for the door.

Should | do this in person, or can | call?

You only do it over the phone if you’re a pussy.

Or if you feel the actual sight of you might queer the deal.

I'll call.

Good idea. Yeah.

In the meantime,

can you make me one of them grasshoppers?

| want my breath to be nice and minty when | do this.

Yeah, you bet.

[CLEARS THROAT]

So you’re sure that Katy said

she was coming back to the room after rehearsal?

Who?

Katy. Our daughter.

Isn't her name Katherine?

Yes. But we call her Katy.

Oh. She said her name was Katherine.

| love her so much.

She’s the best roommate ever.

Oh!

And she tells us about you guys. Oh.

You have a job in a hedge fund, and you’re a fashion designer.

And she tells us all about your gigantic loft in Soho,

and all the people you know, and the parties.

And your summer house in Montague.

l’ve never been to Montague. What's it like?

Okay. Nice.

LOU: So look, I’m going to come right out and say this, okay?

You are a very attractive woman and | am-- Well, a little--

You know what, let’s not even talk about what | am.

[SIGHS]

This isn’t easy.

Especially since I’ve got people like Tommy Gavin in my life

telling me I’ve got no shot with you, but be that as it may...

[SIGHS]

| find you extremely attractive,

and | would like to take our relationship

to a physical place.

I’m going to give you a moment now to laugh.

What?

Wait a minute, did you just say--?

Was that actually you talking, or was it the grasshopper?

No, it’s a drink. I'll explain it when | see you.

Well, yes, | can.

Yeah. | just gotta shave and shower and attach my head

to a new body and then find a new head.

Twenty minutes. Yes! Yes!

Franco, you are genius.

Mmm! | love you.

That is minty. | gotta try one of those.

TOMMY: Montague?

KATY: It’s on Long Island.

We know where it is, honey.

And what’s with the hedge fund?

The closest | ever came to a hedge

was the time | was working as a landscaper

in summertime during high school.

Are you ashamed to tell people that your dad’s a firefighter?

It’s not right to make up stories, Katy.

That's right. Katherine, Mommy. | told you.

Okay, do you want us to throw in Hepburn at the end of Katherine?

And Mummy’s the villain Brendan Fraser chases in movies.

She’s Mom or Ma.

Why can't you tell people the truth about your family?

Oh, you mean how my parents are divorced but not really?

And my mother had a baby with my father’s brother,

and my uncle went to jail after he shot the drunk driver

who killed my brother? Hm?

Well, she’s got us on that one.

Okay, let’s just talk about happy things.

Whoa, what’s with the PDA?

What? What,

did you give her one of them phones?

It means public displays of affection?

Where are his pants and his blazer?

| will make sure he wears it to the play.

I’m not gonna wear the pants-- Ow, honey!

Hey, shh!

Keep it down. There are people here.

All right. Okay.

Okay.

Did | tell you I’m going skiing this winter?

Lucy Walters, she’s, like, my newest best friend.

Her parents have a place near Sugarbush in Vermont.

They’re taking me up there during winter break.

Have you guys ever skied before? | didn’t think so.

That’s the art center where we’re doing the play tomorrow.

Keep up, keep up. Okay.

Welcome to the Blueberry Cottage.

Hey. This your first time with us?

Yes. Yep.

Super. Breakfast is served from 6:30 till 9:00,

We have a special gourmet dinner for our guests on Fridays,

which would be tonight, so lucky you.

Great. Great, I’m starving.

You’re in Room 6: Blueberry Pie.

All our rooms are named after blueberry desserts.

We have some nice antiques in that room,

and a view of the herb garden.

Ooh, wow.

| believe there’s another key for the second room.

Uh, no, I-- | only have Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Gavin.

| just assumed that would be one--

See, we’re-- We're sort of divorced.

Yeah, we never filed.

Yeah. | mean, it’s not--

We get along and everything,

Great. She’s got a new boyfriend.

We are full tonight, as | said.

| could call down the street... Please.

...to the Fox and the Lamb.

| think they’re full up too.

l-- Uh, let me talk to my wife. Excuse me.

Thank you.

All right.

What?

What? It’s going to kill you

if we spend one night--

No, I’m afraid we're stuck.

There’s a lot going on in town tonight.

You know what? It’s-- It’s fine.

We'll take the room, the one room.

You sure? Yeah, right?

It’s one night.

That’s right. It’s one night.

Remember, she’s got a boyfriend.

Yes, she does...

[BOTH LAUGH]

...who’s paralyzed.

You know, his thing still works. Are you kidding me?

|-- | had-- | was--

| had a joke, and...

Uh-- |-- I’m sorry, sir.

rll, uh, bring your bags out.

Thank you. We'll be serving dinner soon.

The other guests are in the dining room.

You can head right in. | think we'll just go right in.

Unless you want to change. No, no, we'll go right in.

No, you'll be changing.

Honey, it’s--

Tommy, you're changing.

Can you give us a moment?

Sure.

Uh...

We’re gonna go change.

Thank you.

Oh, sure.

Thank you.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Oh, and then there were eight.

Welcome aboard.

How are you doing?

Tommy Gavin, uh, my wife, Janice.

I’m Dick MacNamara, this is my lovely wife, Kelly.

Our two girls go to Darcy Hill Academy.

Oh, our daughter Katherine also goes there, seventh grade.

Our girls are in seventh, Heather and Prue,

short for Prudence.

We’re sitting girls against the boys, so,

you'll be with us over here.

And that means you sit right there, scout.

Okay.

Adam and Lenora White from New York City, nice to meet you.

Hi. Okay, So--

How are you? Just a couple of fellow city dwellers.

What part of town are you in?

Uh, we’re splitting our time between Bronx and Queens.

| thought you were in the city.

Oh, did they move the burroughs or something?

Oh, I’m sorry, it’s just that when you said the city,

| assumed you meant Manhattan.

Well, | mean Manhattan, you can’t afford to live in there,

unless you’re euro trash or homosexual people,

you know, which is...

Hey, you know,

we got a homosexual at work who’s great guy.

Right, honey? You met him. Great guy.

Jim and Kathy King. Hi.

MAN: Hi. Nice to meet you.

Hi, hi. So Jim and Kathy.

That’s a lot of names to remember.

You said your name was Gavin?

Mm-hm.

Prue introduced us to Katherine

a couple weekends ago.

Oh, Katy.

Katherine, Katy.

Your ears must have been burning.

We heard all about your loft,

and the weekend place in Montague.

Oh, Montague is wonderful.

We talked about getting a place there, but it’s a little remote.

But the people are normal, not like those Hampton types.

By that | mean Jews.

| can say that.

We're Jewish. Oh!

And they let you into Connecticut?

[ALL LAUGHING]

And which hedge fund are you with?

Me? Oh, I’m, uh,

you know, my Katherine, Katy,

you know how kids tend to exaggerate.

They’re a little embarrassed about their parents.

Not our kids. Not ours.

Nor ours. Except for the Jewish thing.

A little.

Anyways, |’m not with the hedge fund.

I’m with the firemen’s fund.

I’m a fireman-- I’m a fireman. I’m FDNY.

MAN: Oh, wow. TOMMY: Yeah.

Well, it is a pleasure to meet you, sir.

ADAM: A fireman, that’s great.

If | never see another hedge fund asshole, it’ll be too soon.

[LAUGHTER]

| work for a hedge fund.

You know what | mean.

Can | tell you, | wanted to be a fireman as a kid.

Really? Who didn’t?

But this guy did it.

| don’t know how you got away with wearing jeans.

If | tried wearing jeans, she would have locked me in my room.

Hey, no kidding. You are our hero.

Tom, was it? Tommy.

Just call me Tommy. Tommy.

Barkeep, get this man a drink.

BARTENDER: Right away, sir.

So, Jane, should we assume you're not a fashion designer?

I’m Janice. And, no,

| am a fashion designer.

[LAUGHS]

Can | get a drink too, honey?

Hey, it’s me.

I’ve showered and shaved,

although I’m sure you’ve changed your mind by now,

but | was just kind of hoping that--

[DOOR BUZZES]

Is that a new dress?

Oh, yes.

It’s adorable.

Thank you.

You know, I’m a little confused. | mean, it looks new,

but it’s definitely last season’s design.

Not that | wear that designer.

The girl who cleans my house does.

Could | get another drink, please?

Yeah.

| don’t think you want to drink too much, darling.

You've got to protect your figure.

That's lipo, right?

Excuse me?

Well, you’ve obviously had lipo. Nobody our age is that thin.

If you'll excuse me, | need to go to the bathroom.

[SIRENS WAILING DISTANTLY]

Well, | think we know why you're so skinny.

I’m sorry, what was that?

| don’t want to embarrass you, hon,

but you're eating with your seafood fork.

That’s the fork you were supposed to use

for the crab cocktail.

Well, they’re not serving much seafood in Montague these days.

Could you repeat that, sweetheart?

Because | couldn’t hear you. Because you’re so fat.

Excuse me?

Oh, no, there is no excuse for you,

because what you are is a bitch.

Hey, hon, maybe we should call it a night.

Great idea, darling.

I’m sure there’s an A.A. meeting somewhere in the neighborhood.

What?

| was just joking.

Yeah.

Did you hear the one about the preppy asshole

who got the fireman’s foot up his ass?

That one ring a bell?

Your wife, uh, might have a problem.

Yeah, my wife always has a problem

when she’s surrounded by douchebags.

[ALL GASP]

My wife doesn’t tend to get shitfaced a lot,

but if she does get shitfaced,

she usually has a good goddamn reason.

Thank you, sweetie.

Shall we?

We shall.

I’m sorry that you guys don’t like what I’m wearing,

and I’m sorry that | am too thin for you.

And | am sorry that all of your husbands

checked out my ass when | went to the bathroom.

And that’s right, | saw you.

| don’t know what she’s talking about.

Oh, Adam, shut up.

Don’t blame us because you made a fool of yourself.

Oh, is that right, Tubby?

You know, | guess when people are looking

that far down their noses at you,

you want to give them a good goddamn show. Yeah, you like it?

| think we can go.

You know what, I’m not a designer,

but here’s a fashion tip for you: never wear yellow.

Because kids might try to ride you to school.

Let’s go, Tommy.

Come on, that was funny.

Whatever.

[CHUCKLES]

[TOMMY LAUGHS]

All right.

Oh, my God, those stuffy bitches!

Yeah, what a bunch of assholes.

That was great.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. We kicked ass.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, baby, and thank you for coming to my defense.

Yeah.

That was so nice.

Uh-huh.

[GIGGLING]

Honey...

What--? What--? What are you doing?

I’m doing the victory dance.

| got you, but what are you wearing?

Oh, come on, Tommy, you’ve seen me in this a million times.

Yeah. | have, | have.

Forgot how see-through the T-shirts can be.

You know, | don’t know if we ever did it at an inn before--

At the Blueberry Inn.

[LAUGHING] Yeah, yeah.

It’s true. So, what are--?

What’s--? What’s the thing? Oh, Tommy.

I’m drunk.

[LAUGHS]

But I’m certain of a couple of one thing.

Yeah, okay.

We are not having sex.

Right. | know that. Yeah, see, | know that.

That’s clear to me.

But, ahem, my, uh, my...

Cock.

[CHUCKLING] Your word.

You know, I’m totally clear.

| get it. My brain has computed that fact that it’s just--

We’re not doing that.

But my, uh, ahem--

Cock, dick, schlang, wang, wanger--

Okay, stop. Okay, yeah, see--

Happy Charlie.

Happy Charlie has got a different brain.

He’s got his own brain, and this visual for him is arresting.

Would be--

[BOTH SIGH]

Where’s the mini bar?

[TOMMY AND JANET MOANING]

TOMMY: Ow! Ooh! JANET: Yeah!

[MOANING AND LOUD THUMPING]

[BOTH MOANING]

Oh, honey.

[BOTH MOANING]

Oh, Tommy?

Yeah? Here.

Oh.

Yeah.

[MOANING]

[LOUD THUMPING]

Are they having sex?

| don’t remember it sounding like that.

Ever.

[BOTH MOANING]

TOMMY: Ow.

Ow.

[LOUD THUMP] Ow!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh!

JANET: Yeah, baby, yeah, baby!

Oh, baby, oh, baby!

Honey... Yeah?

[MOANING]

[WOMAN SCREAMS] [LAUGHING]

TOMMY: Are you okay? Hon?

[LAUGHING] Yes. Oh, Tommy.

Hey. Uh-oh.

Oh. You looking at my wife’s ass?

Where did you serve?

Vietnam, but don’t ask me for details.

| was high as a kite my entire tour, thank God.

Can | get you something? Maybe an extra pillow?

How about a smoke?

You're on oxygen. You'll take out the entire goddamn building.

I’m ready. I’m ready to go.

Nah, you’ve got plenty of fight left in you, | can tell.

Wife’s dead, 11 years.

[SIGHS]

Hurts when | piss.

When | breathe.

[SIGHS]

Come here, kid.

Kill me. I'll give you 3 grand.

Three grand, what--?

That’s all | got.

Hey, look, I’m here to offer support

and let you guys know you're not forgotten.

| mean, just because you want to call it quits

doesn’t mean I’m gonna let you.

How about for 20 grand?

You just told me you only had 3.

| like to bargain.

| won't do it.

Someday it'll be you in this bed.

Someday you’re gonna be begging for an angel to come.

Someday, it'll be you.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

SEAN: You think it’s possible to die of shit poisoning?

You know, like, if your shit backs up

and you haven't shit for days and days and days,

do you just, you know, die, or does it come out eventually?

Because if so, I’m gonna have to invest in some ear plugs.

Have you thought about getting your kidneys checked out?

What's that supposed to mean?

| think they got something to do with your waste functions.

You might have a problem, you know?

Well, maybe you got a problem, asshole.

Talking about other people’s functions.

What are you, a doctor?

You know I’m not, Sean.

Yeah, well, shut your mouth.

Maybe you ought to shut yours, Sean.

Shit’s starting to come out.

Yeah, | wish.

Oh, God. [LOU WHISTLING]

Hey. Captain Lou. What’s the word with you and Frenchy, huh?

Ooh, | think you'll find it very interesting, my friend.

| went over there and gained access to her inner sanctum.

Ah, yeah, you mean her, uh, vajayjay?

No, her apartment. At which point she proceeded to tell me,

how completely not her type | was,

to the degree it was almost laughable.

After which,

she drew me into her bed chamber and proceeded

to ride me like a hairy middle-aged tilt-a-whirl

for upwards of an hour and 15 minutes.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Wait a second, I’m confused.

You said she said you weren’t her type.

Totally not her type.

But apparently at some point

l’d mentioned Tommy had said that | had no shot with her,

and it seems that our mademoiselle

doesn't really like our Mr. Gavin so much,

to the degree that she was willing to engage me

in a good old-fashioned grudge hump.

[LAUGHTER]

And you're okay with that?

Yeah. | was hurt at first,

but then her top came off and | was goddamn great with it.

Whoo!

Finally it’s a win-win for old Lou.

| got a great piece of ass and | get to rub Tommy’s nose in it.

Yes!

But wait a second, how are you going to prove it happened?

You tell him that story, he ain't gonna believe it.

| had her write me a note.

What?

All the details, plus a phone number in case he wants check.

[SNIFFS] [LAUGHS]

Hey, can | get a sniff?

No, no.

It’s gonna be a beautiful day.

[ALARM BUZZES]

And it’s gonna be a beautiful call.

What’s up, fellas?

[SIRENS WAILING]

[PEOPLE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

We all clear in there? All clear.

And we're still looking for water coming up dry.

We got no choice. We gotta let this one go.

And me with no weenies.

Where’s Garrity?

Didn’t he bring that old lady out?

Yeah, but then he went back. | passed him on the second floor.

LOU: When? A couple minutes ago.

Hey, Garrity, what is your location?

Sean Garrity, what is your location?

Chief. What?

We might have a mayday here. What do you got, Lou?

Yeah, we got a member missing. It’s Garrity.

| think we gonna go back in. All right, make it quick.

I’m gonna send the other crew in after you.

Mayday, mayday, missing member.

FRANCO: Sean! LOU: Garrity!

FRANCO: Sean! LOU: Goddamn!

FRANCO: Sean! LOU: Sean!

REILLY [OVER RADIO]: Garrity, respond.

What is your 20?

LOU: Yeah, this is it.

He was headed here last | saw him.

FRANCO: Garrity, hello!

All right, guys, check the room out.

Whoa, hey! I’m in here, do you mind?

What the hell are you doing?

I’m taking a shit for the first time in, like, a year,

so could you shut the door?

Douchebag, this whole place is about to go up.

Then you better get a handle on it,

because |’m not going anywhere, okay? I’m stuck.

Come on, we gotta-- Dude, what is that?

That’s the potpourri coming out of my ass.

Oh, my God, it’s like somebody dropped a net.

Whoo! Put your mask on, guys.

SEAN: You know what, come on.

Jesus Christ, | can still smell it.

| think it got in my tank. It’s not that bad, asshole.

Yes, itis. You ever light a match to get rid of the smell?

You got a whole building burning here, it’s not making a dent.

We’re gonna light the place next door to knock out the stink.

Shut the goddamn door.

Lou, what’s going on?

Nothing! Jesus, would you guys get out of here?

So, Amanda, are you excited to see the play?

| can’t wait. Katy, she’s the star of the show,

and I’m her roommate, so it’s almost like I’m famous too.

[CHUCKLES]

So, what do your parents do?

My father owns a biotech firm. My mother’s in gene research.

Really? Gene research. So does she work on Lucky’s or Levi’s?

[LAUGHS]

You're funny. Thanks.

Now | know why you're funny. You must laugh all the time at home.

Yeah, pretty much nonstop.

| have to use the bathroom, excuse me.

You’re excused.

Go with her, Mommy.

Why?

She’s got an eating disorder. She barfs up everything.

She won’t do it if someone else is in the bathroom.

[CLEARS THROAT]

So how’s school?

It seems-- Your mother and |

were very impressed by the--

What’s going on?

With you and Mom?

You're being nice. You were holding hands yesterday.

Well, honey, we’ve always been nice to each other.

What?

| just want to know,

are you guys behaving because you’re at my school,

or, you know, are things better?

Well, | mean, you know, we haven’t--

we've both been so busy, but it’s been nice.

| mean, driving up here was great and, you know,

uh, we even stayed in the same room together last night.

And it was okay?

Yeah, it was great.

Are you guys gonna get back together?

Honey...

look, with grown-ups...

[CLEARS THROAT]

.- With adults...

All right, you know,

the best way | can think to explain it, you know,

you know how planets orbit around the sun, okay?

Your mother and | are like two planets.

Your mother’s like the planet Janet.

Okay.

And, you know, so we’re orbiting around the sun,

which would be you two girls, even though you’re girls.

What I’m saying is like, some-- The planets,

sometimes they go a long way around the sun. You know?

Your mother and | sometimes go a long way away from each other,

but we always come back together around that thing that--

The thing that keeps us, you know...?

If you guys got back together and things were nice,

| would come home more often. | really, really would, Daddy.

hat would be great, honey. That would be really great.

I’m just glad that, you know, there’s a chance

that we might sort of be like normal people again.

Listen, whatever goes on, your mother and |, what we want

is for you and Colleen to be happy. That’s our--

That’s the main thing, you know?

It really is.

Okay. I’m gonna go check on mom and Amanda.

Okay.

Bye, sweetie.

No puking.

Look at you, huh?

You know who you remind me of?

Veronica Lake.

| don’t look anything like her.

To me you do.

[CHUCKLES]

Did you ever make a movie? Were you ever on stage?

No, | mean, | did a play once.

Tell me.

We were doing South Pacific.

The musical.

Uh-huh. And | played

one of the nurses in the chorus.

Did you wear a nurse’s uniform?

Well, yeah, in a couple of the scenes.

But, you know, the story took place on an island,

in the South Pacific, | guess,

so most of the time | just wore, like, rolled-up pants and--

And, uh, bathing suit tops and stuff.

Uh-huh.

But there was one night that-- This was pretty funny.

We had to do a quick change backstage between scenes.

So the two teachers go backstage and they hold up this blanket.

The boys had cut a huge hole in the middle of the blanket.

Like, you could through a window,

all the way to through to the other side.

[SCOFFS] They got in so much trouble.

Mr. Wills, are you masturbating?

I’m trying.

Well, at least let me turn my back.

Anyway, they all got in so much trouble.

They all had to go down to the office the next day.

KATY: Perhaps, Major Carlton, | have not made myself clear.

| didn’t raise my daughters to become the possessions,

or personal conquests of vainglorious military men.

My Annabelle may be blessed with, as you put it,

a pretty little head,

but | assure you, the sight of a man in uniform,

will never cause her to lose it.

Good day, major.

Yes, but if | can only speak to Annabelle for a moment

| said good day.

Amazing.

Oh, she’s great, isn’t she?

Yeah. Shh.

No, that is my daughter.

KATY: And no word of any of it to Miss Annabelle.

Hey. Hey.

That was awesome.

Honey, you were fantastic.

Oh, my gosh. You can be on Broadway. | swear.

Honey, and that dress. We gotta get a picture of you.

JANET: Yeah, you were beautiful.

| don’t know where you get the talent from. Not from him.

Not from me. | tell you, honey, that scene

where you tell the kid, the guy, the thing?

Yes, yes. Oh, my God.

Honey, so good. We got you these.

Did you call Heather MacNamara’s mother fat?

Did you? It’s all over school, you know.

Heather’s mother said you were drunk last night.

You called someone else a bitch, and you were falling down,

and everyone’s talking about it. You’ve ruined everything!

Come over here. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

First of all, there was no falling down. She did not fall.

JANET: Honey,

it was a grown-up situation that | didn’t handle well. Okay?

But those women were very, very mean to me.

That’s right.

And they made me feel very bad about myself.

Maybe you are bad. Did you ever think of that?

Hey! Hey. Now listen.

Okay, you don’t understand, because you’re not an adult.

And it was a bunch of adults in a situation where they were--

They-- That woman is fat.

You can’t just show up here and wreck it for me, okay?

| like it here. It’s safe, and there’s no surprises.

And people don’t show up pretending to be all happy,

and then turn out to be the same awful people they always were.

| belong here. You don't.

Honey, | am so sorry--

Good-bye, Mom.

No, you don’t understand--

| said good-bye.

Hey.

[SIGHS] Maybe | should have worn the pants.

She’s not going to talk to us. Come on.

[SIGHS]

| was the one who said it.

| said that everything we do this weekend reflects on Katy.

| thought it’d be you.

It was me.

Yeah, give her a couple of weeks, she'll be fine, you know?

Maybe | am a bad person.

Honey.

You know that’s not true.

| don’t.

| really don’t.

[SIGHS]

What do we do now?

Go back to the loft?

That’s not funny.

It was kind of funny.

[STARTS ENGINE]

[Pre]