Original subtitles

Narrator: Previously on Rescue Me

Listen, there's going to be a visitor in the house. A French lady.

She's writing this big book about the tenth anniversary of 9/11.

She's been to a couple houses but she wants to talk to you guys.

Anybody want to volunteer to be a sponsor?

Might do you some good to think about somebody other than yourself for a change.

(Whispering) Hey. Hey. No. No.

He needs to know.

No he doesn''t.

We're sleeping together, but we're not, you know...

Tommy's going to kill you anyway, just see him, alright?

You might as well get a little piece before you go.

Tommy, this is Dwight.

How are you? Good.

Doesn't get up to greet me. Sticks his hand in the air,

like I'm supposed to cross the room to greet him, right?

Oh, there's Pops!

He was a good man.

The best.

Like, I'm watching a bunch of assholes get teary-eyed, about maybe the biggest asshole

in the history of assholes.

Who gives away their inheritance? Assholes.

Shitheads.

What am | going to do with the money?

What if we get a place like this?

You A bar. bar?

| bought the booze, | went into the liquor store,

| made scene at that church, | take responsibility for my own actions.

But it is kind of your fault.

That Section eight review? Yeah?

Set for Tuesday, 3:00.

Try not to be late.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

Hey. Hi.

Did you find the place okay?

Yeah. What’s going on?

Not much.

What's that?

Bushmills.

Really? S-so they’re making a non-alcoholic version

of Bushmills now, is that right?

That drink has been sitting there untouched for how long?

Uh, 42 minutes and change.

| asked him to time it.

Uh-huh.

It’s been sitting untouched

because | wanted to wait until you got here.

Really? Okay. Mm-hm.

| want you to share in my moment of celebration.

My freedom. Okay.

That whole slip, that mess at the church a couple of days ago?

Yeah. It was bound to happen.

All the years of not drinking,

the stress build-up, anxiety...

| ain't been going to meetings, either.

| was bound to blow. So what I’m going to do is,

I’m going to drink.

But I’m going to control it.

Let’s go. As a matter of fact,

you know what? Set one up. You're gonna drink with me.

No, I’m not. As your sponsor,

I’m demanding you take a drink with me.

No. One sip. One drink.

Or, so help me God, | will sit here,

| will get shitfaced, and it will be on your head.

All right, so, | take one sip of this.

Mm-hm. You're gonna get off that stool

and leave with me. That’s the deal.

You don’t have to swallow it.

Just get it to your lips.

Let it evaporate for all | care.

Okay. Here | go.

You can control it, Tom.

| can control it. You got to believe that.

Okay.

[GRUNTS]

The hell do you think you’re doing, picking up a drink?

You told me to take a sip! If | told you to jump off

the Brooklyn Bridge, would you? No, but--

Think you got your problem under control?

| have-- You're kidding yourself.

See how quick he was to take that drink? Put it to his mouth?

We negotiated for a couple of minutes.

Negotiated what? Asip!

You got to renew your commitment to sobriety.

You know what? This is unbelievable. This is the--

Hey, | slipped, okay? | admit it, okay? | made a mistake,

but I’m moving forward. Yeah?

I’m not going to have a drink for the rest of my life,

a day at a time, but you, my friend, | am not going

to let you use my moment of weakness as an excuse for you

to go off the wagon.

Unbelievable. That’s what this was about.

That’s what this was about? Yeah. So come on.

This is the asshole-- Let’s go to a meeting.

He was flinging the hosts around in the church

like they were goddamn frisbees. This is--

What was that for?

Nothing. Just felt so good the first time.

[VON BONDIES’ "C’MON C’MON" PLAYING]

On another day C’mon, c’mon f

¢ With these ropes | tied Can we do no wrong? J

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now is gone S

Things were good When we were young f

~ With my teeth locked down | can see the blood J

J Of a thousand men Who have come and gone f

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now is gone S

Things were good When we were young f

I Is it safe to say? C’mon, c’mon f

? Was it right to leave? C’mon, c’mon f

~ Will | ever learn? C’mon, c’mon J

~ C’mon, c’mon C’mon, c’mon J

[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER RADIO]

Hey, you all right?

Yeah. Just waiting for Tommy.

Got to talk to him.

About banging his daughter?

What the hell! Who told you? Lou.

Lou’s banging her, too?

This is some bullshit.

Can’t believe he told you. This is supposed to be top secret.

| heard it from Nils. Nils Knows?

About you and Colleen?

Keep it down! Get the hell out of here.

You guys are killing me.

What are you so surprised about?

People hear juicy gossip, they’re gonna spread it around.

This is a firehouse.

Take away the rig, the gear, and testosterone,

it’s nothing but a goddamn sorority in here.

All right. Listen. Just--

Just don’t tell anybody else, all right?

Tell anybody else what?

BOTH: Nothing.

No, no. Come on, guys. What--

What? Hey!

Uh, seven.

Seven? Yeah.

Really? Years ago, in my teens.

My grandparents were over. | was bored. You know. How about you?

Four, also in my teens. But seven?

Jesus. That’s amazing. Thank you very much.

Thomas, just in time for another in a long series

of gripping exchanges of deep thought and personal wisdom.

What are we talking about?

Today’s topic is the most times they masturbated in one day.

I’m seven. Sean’s four. Lou?

Three. Just three?

Well, it’s only 8:30, you know. Day’s young.

I’d go for four, but food prep.

Oh, yeah. But it takes a little bit longer now, right?

| mean, the older you get, don’t you need more time in between,

you know...

Ejaculations?

Well, | mean, that’s if you're getting technical.

| was going to say jizzes, but...

Ha-ha. That's funny. Jizzes.

Yeah. Jizzes. Jizzes. Kind of tickles, right?

| give up. | give up. | really give up.

How about you, Tom?

Oh, let me think. That would be...right.

None of your business. Oh, come on.

We did have a kid in the old neighborhood, Bobby Morgan,

claimed he jerked off 17 times in one 24-hour period.

No way. 17 times? Is that even possible?

Well, even more amazing than that, it was a school day.

Shit. 17 times?

He said the last time pretty much just came out air.

So his cock farted?

| mean, come on. It comes out air,

hello, it’s a fart. So it’s a cock fart.

You know, I’ve heard of cock fights, but not cock farts.

Hey, try saying that

Cock fights, cock farts...

ALL: Cock fights, cock farts...

[ALL REPEATING]

[WHISTLES]

Hey. Everybody okay here?

| wasn’t-- | wasn’t doing anything.

Just the usual cock fart discussion. Nothing wrong.

Boy, am | glad | didn’t bring her in here.

We'd have a lawsuit on our hands.

Who? Bring who in? The French girl. She’s here.

The one that’s writing the book about 9/11.

Aw, come on.

You don’t have to talk to her if you don’t want to,

but she is a guest in our house.

MIKE: Guys, | did it. SEAN: What?

You won't believe it, but | found it.

| bought the bar. You bought it without us?

We’re supposed to be doing this as a team.

You guys-- | know, | Know.

It’s the perfect place. In Alphabet City.

It’s a sick location. You gotta come after the shift.

Hey, hey, hey. | got the goddamn floor, okay?

Sorry, chief. It’s just that we're buying a bar together.

It’s my money, but we’re gonna run it together.

We got to think of a name.

How about the

Shut The Hell Up When I’m Talking, Asshole Bar.

Come on. On your feet. Let’s go. Come on.

Let’s say bonjour to the French girl.

You’re dead, Mike. Wait till you see it!

You were going to consult with us.

Ah, there you are.

Uh, uh, oh, | thought you forgot all about me.

Oh, no, | just had to tell these ass--

Pardon my French, which is really an expression,

because | don’t speak French.

Well, no sense standing on formality.

They all know why you're here.

And this is Silletti and Garrity and Franco and Lou.

And this is Genevieve Lazard.

Gen-ev-ieve.

Oh. Ill call you Genny, okay?

Okay. Great.

Um, and this gentleman? Tommy.

Oh, forget about him. He’s the resident Section Eight,

which means he’s only going to be here a few more days.

Right? Never know.

Oh, | know, | know. So welcome aboard.

Everybody knows why you're here,

and we’re all here for you.

Well, thank you. | really appreciate it.

[BUZZER BUZZES]

AUTOMATED VOICE [ON PA]: Engine.

Except not right now. Come on!

Nice to meet you, Genevieve.

Oh, that was so good, uh, impeccable.

Merci.

[SIREN BEEPS]

[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER RADIO]

Garrity, you all right?

Yeah. Think | maybe hurt my back when | went down the stairs.

But then | realized, it’s been hurting for weeks.

Woke up this morning, it’s turned into pins and needles,

and then, now, it feels like this kind of stabbing thing.

You don’t really care, do you? No.

All right. Good talking to you. All right.

Lot of car fires lately. Yeah. When it rains, it pours.

Yeah. Strange. Life.

Life.

You know, there’s stuff you do in your life,

situations that come up.

You don’t plan for things to happen,

but they just do. | don’t know about you,

but I’m the kind of person, | own my own reality

that which I’m involved,

and, uh, | take full responsibility for that.

Those things. And | respect people

around me because, you know,

| feel like | got to keep it real

and be open and honest, because the situations, the events,

those things in my life, they deserve that.

You know what I’m saying?

No.

Okay.

Ahem. That guy’s got some problems, man.

Just one. But it’s a honey.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER PA]

Sheila, Sheila, Sheila. Hi!

Hey! How are you?

Hi, sweetheart. Huh? How are you?

Good, good. This is Kaleena, everybody.

SEAN: Hi!

Did | say that right? Yeah.

Keep having to think of the word

oven c-lean-er to remember it.

Anyway, Kaleena is my little sister.

Not biologically, durr, ’cause she’s black,

but | was at my psychodramaturg’s the other day,

That’s the guy you talk to about me?

You wish. | was actually

obsessing about Damien quitting college

and this and that, and he said that | got a lot of love to give

and that | should find an outlet for it.

He said that?

Well, what he actually said

is that I’m spending too much time in my own head.

But what | heard is that | got a lot of love.

And he suggested that | do some community service.

So here we are. Right, sis? Whoo!

Can we go? Yeah. No, in a second.

| wanted her to see a real-life New York City firehouse

and fireman.

Big thrill, right?

Is he the one you like?

What? No. | don’t like anybody here.

We’re going to go now. Very late.

Bye. Bye, Easy-Off.

Don’t.

FRANCO: What you're going to hear from me, you’re not going to hear

from anybody else because my opinions,

well, let's just say they’re not popular.

9/11?

Inside job. Plain and simple.

All you got to do is connect the dots,

and I’m not talking about the dots

everyone’s already heard about.

I’m not talking about Bush sitting in that school

reading a book about a goat to those kids

for seven and a half minutes after he was told the news.

Everybody knows that.

| am talking about

a massive neo-conservative government effort.

It’s been in the works for over 20 years.

You ever hear of PNAC, Project for a New American Century?

Perhaps. Yeah?

Well, according to them, the end goal of their effort

is American global domination.

Full spectrum dominance, they call it.

Now, the first question that pops to my mind is,

how do you pull that off in this day and age?

Well, according to them, you do it in four steps.

First, we must control the world’s oil,

especially the oil in Central Asia and the Middle East.

Now, | don’t have to remind you that Bush/Cheney,

they came to power with plans already made

to attack Afghanistan and Iraq.

Number two, we have to make huge technological advances

with our armed forces that, for some reason,

include the capability to fight wars from outer space.

Number three, surprise, surprise,

huge increases in military spending to pay for the above,

$130 billion a year worth.

Now, never mind the sick and dying first responders,

9/11’s heroes, who can’t even pay their light bill,

let alone their medical bills, and a lot of whom

are ending up homeless because of it.

| guess there’s just not enough room in the budget for them.

Number four, and this is key,

we change the definition of preemptive attack

so we can unilaterally bomb the shit out of,

invade, and occupy countries, even if they pose

no credible threat or had nothing to do with 9/11.

One problem. How are you going to put it into action?

| mean, the American people are never going to go for no shit

like that, right? You're damn straight. No.

What you need is an event, an event that gets

everyone’s heads turned around the right way.

What you need is a new Pearl Harbor.

That's what they said they needed.

Now, you're looking at a guy who went to 58 funerals in 26 days.

| can tell you, that is sure as shit what they got.

Are you single?

MIKE: So, what do you think, boys?

Pretty sweet, huh? It’s a good space, right?

And then, there’s even an Office in the back.

And there’s a men’s room here and a girl’s room.

Wow. Both.

Basement. Interesting.

Well, the good news is, you know,

we don't have to bring in a bar. Oh!

You okay? Yeah.

Yeah. It used to actually be a place called,

um, Whiskey Villa, and before that,

it was a place called the Wagon Train.

It was Jerry’s before that.

And then, it was a place called Toklas’, which was a lesbo bar.

And then, it was Jerry’s before that, but a different Jerry.

I’m sorry. Go-- You-- You bought a lesbo bar?

What are you, crazy?

It was a lesbo bar a long time ago.

Mike, the whole reason we’re doing this,

buying this bar, is ‘cause of the pussy vibe.

And to make money, dude. No, Seano’s right.

It’s because of the pussy. Yeah. Now you stuck us

with a place that possibly has the wrong pussy vibe. |--

Is there any pussy vibe that’s wrong?

And you know what? The real estate guy said that,

years ago, this whole building was a gynecologist’s office.

Okay. Now | got to rethink the whole pussy vibe thing.

So maybe it was a gynecologist’s office longer

than it was a lesbo bar,

which would then potentially allow the good pussy vibe

to, you know, counteract the bad.

I’ve waited my whole life for this.

We’re having a discussion about pussy feng shui.

SHAWN: What are you gonna do?

How you going to pimp this place in terms of decor?

| don’t know. Why don’t we just leave it a bombed-out

shithole and call it The Bombed-Out Shithole?

| actually have some good ideas, but I’m gonna need some help

from you guys, you know, to help me decorate it and stuff.

| want to call it Lumberjacks.

Lumberjacks. Lumberjacks?

Yeah. You know, we could make all the walls wood

so it’s like a log cabin.

Then, we can put those old saws, you know,

the kind with two guys,

um, and then, we could have snowshoes on the walls,

and then we can have those lamps that were made out of antlers.

And we could have a fake fireplace and a bear.

What do you say, guys?

Actually, | don’t think it’s a bad idea. I’m in.

All right. Let me get this straight.

You don’t want lesbians in here,

but you're gonna go with the lumberjack theme.

LOU: Let’s get to work, lads.

Uncle Lou has a mighty terrible thirst.

And with that, | bid you bums farewell.

MIKE: All right. SEAN: Peace.

Hot date, Lou?

You know | never discuss female thermodynamics.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

FRANCO: | mean, he’s right. | like that.

Yeah.

EDDIE: Hey, prick, how’s it going?

Still in the FDNY, or they kick your skinny ass out?

You make me laugh so hard.

Haven't had your Section Eight hearing yet, huh?

You know, are you just going to bust my balls?

‘Cause I'll hang up right now. Here | go.

No. Hey, listen. It’s Teddy.

Ellie called. Evidently, he’s not doing too great.

| guess he’s been down, but things have gotten worse

over the last couple of days.

Look, I’m done at work,

so | thought we could swing by, cheer his ass up.

I’m down at the bar on Avenue C, so come pick me up here.

You-- Are you drinking?

Heh.

| wish.

What about a moose head?

So, you like it here, America?

Is New York America? [CHUCKLES]

It reminds me a lot of Paris. l’ve never been to Paris.

Oh. Down to business.

Do you mind?

No, no. | just thought that maybe we’d

get to know each other a little bit before we--

You must have a lot of memories from 9/11

and the days thereafter.

Is there one that stands out above the others?

[INHALES, EXHALES]

One memory, | don’t know.

In the-- In the days after, we were working day and night,

trying to find somebody, anybody.

After a while, reality settled in,

and you realize you weren't looking for somebody,

you were looking for something.

A head, an arm, torso.

Tommy’s cousin, all we found was a finger.

Tommy? The Section Eight guy?

Oh. Oh, yes.

When all you find is a finger, you have to...

There has to be respect.

You can’t just walk off the pile with a finger on a stretcher.

You don’t want the family seeing that, you know.

So you put the finger on the stretcher,

and then you construct the body around it,

using whatever you have, helmets, gear, you know,

pieces of wood.

And then, you drape a flag over it,

and you’re good to go.

Since those days, I’m different.

Everything

that | was going to feel for the rest of my life,

every emotion, every scrap of fear or joy or hope,

or sadness,

|-- | used it all up at Ground Zero.

That’s all gone now. And | got nothing left to feel.

I’m still alive, but...

| got to look in the mirror a couple of times a day

just to make sure that I’m not made of helmets

or gear, some pieces of wood.

[SNIFFS]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

J Move your body J

Anyways,

something wrong with your drink? Nah. It’s fine.

How you boys doing tonight?

Great. We're ready to party.

Excellent. Anybody looking for a special dance?

How about you, stud?

Not tonight, sweetheart.

Aww, come on, you. | love your grey hair.

| think it’s sexy.

Tell your story walking, sister.

You aren't very nice. You're a party pooper.

He’s a party pooper, isn’t he?

Hey, | just lost my older brother.

Greatest guy in the world. Now, nothing makes sense to me.

Amazing human being, and he dies. Me?

Total useless piece of shit? | get to go on breathing.

How do you figure?

It’s a strip club, asshole. Lighten up.

Teddy, he was 82, okay?

What are you, putting time limits on people now?

Shut your mouth.

Just ’cause it’s okay for you doesn’t mean it’s goddamn

okay for the rest of us.

Who says it’s okay for me? | seen you.

| seen you at the funeral.

I’m up there crying my guts out like a bitch,

and you’re sitting there like a goddamn stone.

And then, all that shit you said the other night

after we watched the movies?

You make me sick just to look at you.

You're glad he’s gone. You're glad because

now you don’t have to look at the kind of man you'll never be.

Get me the hell out of here.

Look, |, um-- | just want to say

I’m sorry for what happened before.

| don’t usually end up blubbering into my salad.

Oh, it’s okay. | understand.

Usually, when | go out with a woman,

| try not to cry until the second date.

And even then, it’s usually just a last-ditch effort to get sex.

[CHUCKLES]

Hm.

Taxi.

Yeah. We should probably get going.

See you soon. Thank you. Oh, two for one.

Thank you. Oh, your moustache.

I’m sorry.

They’re dangerous.

That’s why | never get involved with men with facial hair.

| have the same rule.

Bon soir. Bon soir.

Good night. See you.

Safe home.

[EXHALES]

NEEDLES: You on tomorrow?

No. | got to go help the three stooges with the bar.

And then, the afternoon, | got that thing.

Oh, that Section Eight bullshit?

Feinberg can't wait, that dirty prick.

You know he already got some guy picked out

to take your place on the crew?

So | hear. We’re going to miss you.

Oh, thanks for the vote of confidence.

I’m a realist. Eh? That’s nice.

Hey, Lou. Hey, guys.

Hey, what you got? Uh, a broken car antenna.

Cool. See you.

All right.

He look different to you?

New shirt?

I’m not going to answer that, on account of if I’m right,

I’m spending way too much time looking at Lou.

Hey! Hey.

What’s going on? Hey, chief. How are you?

Good to see you. Yeah, Tom.

You remember... Derek.

From the meetings? Yeah.

We talked a couple of times. Yes, we did.

Briefly. Sort of. Mm-hm.

Derek was wondering if you would be his sponsor.

|-- | don’t know if I’m ready for that. | mean...

You had your hand up the other night.

| Know, but | was actually going to ask a couple of questions

about the cookies. That’s why--

Heh-heh-heh. Excuse me. What do you think--

If you hit me right now, I’m going to hit back.

I’m not going to hit you. Oh.

This is what we talked about the other day in the bar,

your recommitment to sobriety.

The other day when | almost caught you drinking in a bar.

When you almost caught me-- You almost made me drink.

Is that what you’re talking about?

Are you kidding me? You almost got me to drink again,

and now, you want me to babysit some guy named Dirk?

Dwayne. Derek.

Whatever. Listen to me. This will be good for you, okay?

It'll Keep your head in the game.

Itll be good for you, me, him, all around.

SHAWN: Tommy, | need to talk to you.

Yeah. I’m in the middle of something.

It’s really important. Give me a second.

It can’t wait. What?

See, you don’t know me all that well,

but I’m the kind of guy, | put it all out there.

The cards are always out on the table with me.

| don’t hide shit. Okay.

All right? ’Cause | don’t have to.

I’m not the kind of human being that does that.

You're always going to hear straight with me,

| mean, the good and the bad.

Yeah. Okay. S....

What are we-- What are we talking about here?

It can wait.

What the hell was that about? Enh...

So we're all good, huh? |--

| gave him your number already. You did? Okay.

Great. Okay.

| promise not to call or bother you too much.

Don’t worry about that.

Just, you know, call me whenever.

Thanks. Thanks. Okay? Call me anytime,

Paulie.

Derek.

Right.

| know it’s been 40 minutes since | last saw you.

Has it been that long?

Just that | walked past this bar,

and people are inside drinking and having a great time,

and | was thinking, "Why can’t | have a good time?"

Okay. Here’s one reason.

You're a lying, thieving, um, scumbag raging alcoholic,

so for you, a good time would include,

you know, like, 12 cocktails

and probably eventually pissing in the sink in the ladies’ room.

| don’t think they would find that a good time.

Okay. Thanks, Tom.

Alrighty.

Might | have a moment, Mr. Gavin?

Mm, | don’t think so.

I’ve talked to several of the other men in the house,

and your name seems to come up quite a bit in their stories.

Right.

| was hoping we could sit down and get some recollections.

All right. | don’t know how much you overheard,

but there’s a good chance I’m not going to be in this house

for much longer, so you’d be wasting your time.

Even so, if we could speak.

All right.

What, uh-- What is your book?

What’s it going to be?

Um, well, comprehensive, uh, hopefully.

Comprehensive, which means,

like, big with lots of pretty pictures, right?

It will be tastefully done. Tasteful.

I’m sure it will be.

I’m glad that you’re going to do it tastefully,

‘cause if you’re going to do a book about the biggest,

blackest tragedy in the history of this country

since the goddamn Civil War,

you know, you’d want to make sure it’s got, you know,

big glossy pages. And that’s important.

You know what you should do? A black cover.

Like the White Album, you know, The Beatles, except

just black ’cause that’s cool. Black is like the new white.

It would probably look nice on a big coffee table.

You can-- You can have that idea for free.

| should assume you’re not interested in being involved?

Not really. I'll tell you what, though.

You could save yourself a lot of note-taking and crap.

Just go to Ground Zero and spend, like, the afternoon there

and really take a look at the footprint down there.

l’ve seen it.

Well, then, you know.

That’s how big your book should be.

Big, coffee table-sized book

that’s actually the same size

as that two city blocks, okay?

You know, this kind of crap, it’s not...

| don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish with it, you know?

You're not going to help the people that were left behind.

Mothers, fathers, daughters, the kids.

You know, if you had a kid that was 7 years old then,

and you were a firefighter who died on that day,

that kid’s, like, 15 years old now.

And | guarantee you that, a least a couple of times a week,

that kid will hear a key in the lock and think,

"Oh, maybe Daddy’s finally home from work."

| Know a couple of widows

who can’t sleep through the night because, you know,

the bed just doesn’t feel right without him in it.

And they’re not really interested in meeting

some other goddamn guy.

| don’t know. | mean, what do you want? You want to--

You want me to talk about how, uh, you know,

people were jumping from 100 stories up

and exploding like goddamn water balloons

as we were trying to go in to save them?

Is that what you want?

You know, | know it’s just a date to you, or that, you know,

9/11 is the title of your new project.

But you know, for a guy like me,

you know, it’s a monster. And I’m not really-- Real--

| don’t want to talk about it. | don’t want to just let it out

because some hot foreign piece of ass

thinks it’s an interesting idea.

May | quote you, Mr. Gavin?

No.

Hello?

Janet? JANET: Hello!

Hey. Tommy?

Yep.

What are you doing here?

| told you to call first. | know.

Look, | just got out of the shower. Don’t come in.

Go outside and wait. I’m going to be right down.

Tommy? Yeah, yeah. Okay. All right.

See you in a couple.

DWIGHT: Hey, bro.

Hey. Heh-heh.

Well, well, well look who it is.

JANET: Shit. Go outside.

It’s fine.

So, how’s life in the firefighting racket?

Good. How’s life in the, uh,

laying around on the couch, reading magazines racket?

You're a funny guy. | know.

Put it here.

No.

No. See--

[CLEARS THROAT]

| pay the rent in this house.

| paid for that couch

with my hard-earned firefighting racket cabbage.

| probably paid for that magazine that you're reading.

So here’s what I’d like to do. I’d like you, this time,

to get off your hindquarters and come over here-- Ahem.

And put it there.

You want me to get up for you?

Yeah.

What if that doesn’t appeal to me?

Maybe this will appeal to you, then.

I’m going to kick your ass. How’s that?

Well, there’s a banana with a peel.

Oh, yeah? Oh, great. Let’s go. Outside. Let’s go. Hey!

You didn’t wait outside. No, | did not.

But I’m on my way outside

‘cause we're gonna have an ass-kicking contest.

Dwight, you’re not going to do this.

| definitely have to do this. Get the chair.

If you get the chair, I’m gonna get something.

I’m going to get a book. To read in the hospital.

Got a big book, okay? Get the chair, Janet.

I’m coming! Get the chair. Wait, wait.

Sorry. What is this? A wheelchair.

| know it’s a wheelchair. What--

What, are you backing down now? Wait.

| didn’t know that you were--

He’s getting cold feet. I’m not getting co--

At least | can feel my feet. You are a prick. Chair.

Don’t sink to his level, please! This is ridiculous, okay?

I’m not doing it. Don’t go. Hey, wait.

Bring the chair over here, Janet.

Bring me the freakin’ chair! No, no, no.

Forget about it. No way. No.

Come back, asshole! Go outside. Stop!

Come back here! I'll Kick your ass.

Kick my ass? Want me to lay down

on the floor so you can drive over my ass?

That’s a start. Yeah. You started it, pal.

Janet, bring the friggin--

Whatever. You know what?

You are unbelievable. Yeah, yeah.

Unbelievable. Yeah.

Crippled and crazy. What a great combination.

Oh, and you're still going on about it. You know what?

This is the reason why you can’t come over

without calling first. ’Cause he’s out of his mind.

No, because four minutes earlier,

you would have walked in on us having sex.

Who? Dwight and me.

Having, hav-- What kind of sex?

Sex. Sex sex.

Like, regular-- With his penis.

His penis gets hard at random times,

and so, we have sex when that happens.

And since he doesn’t have full sensation,

it lasts a really, really, really long time.

See ya.

Could have done without the last "really."

Hey. At least | can walk.

Yeah? Well, you can, so... Yeah. I’m-- I’m going.

Tell me... DWIGHT: Janet!

Oh, I’m getting a hard-on.

Hey, guys, | got to tell you, the place looks amazing.

It’s great. | don’t know whether to bring down some big timber

or drink till | piss myself.

Good shit, y’all. Think y’all about ready to open.

Yeah. Let’s do it.

Yeah. There’s only one problem, Mikey. No booze.

Oh, we got booze.

| got this thinking we would smash it against her hull,

but since we didn’t build a hull,

| figure we should just drink it right now.

Crack it open.

Right. That’s my cue to get going.

You're not going to stay?

We got a whole thing we're going to do.

Well, | got to get down to headquarters.

You know, today’s the day. Oh, right, right. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. See you.

All right, man. Good luck.

MIKE: Good luck, Tommy.

You know, guys, | should really, uh--

I’m sure you’re aware, if this doesn’t go my way,

which it probably won't, they’re going to put me

on immediate light duty, and the odds are

I’m not going to be coming back to the firehouse.

We’ve spoken about this. | just wanted to say--

No, no, no, Tom.

You don’t have to say anything.

Been an honor working with you. No, okay. All right.

Let me just get this out of the way

‘cause | just want to make it, say it out loud, okay?

As firefighters, for whatever reason,

you know, it’s like a football team.

Our pluses and our minuses balanced out,

and we made a great team. We really did.

And | felt really safe working with you guys.

You saved my asses many times and vice versa. But you know,

| felt blessed, okay? The other thing | want to say--

There’s no need. Feeling’s mutual.

Shut up. Let me just say this stuff very quickly,

cause it needs to be said in case the guy who comes in

and is standing in my shoes next doesn’t have it

out on the table. lll do it for him. Okay.

Number one, you’re a moron. Okay? Don’t argue with me,

because you proved it in spades when you married

my goddamn sister, okay? [LAUGHS]

What are you laughing about? Because if he’s a moron,

you're the king of the morons. Don’t give me the look.

Do me a favor. Spell moron.

Okay. Spell what?

[LAUGHS]

Franco, | really wish you weren't the guy that laughed

the hardest at that because if you took just an-- One iota

of the energy that you spend every day chasing pussy

and you put it into something good like,

you know, helping mankind,

pretty sure at this point, we'd have stitched up

the hole in the ozone layer, there’d be no more wars,

and this party would be in a bar owned by you

on the planet Neptune. You, | really can’t say anything

too negative about you because | don’t Know you well enough,

and it wouldn't be fair to judge you.

But life’s unfair so let me get it out of the way.

You probably suck too.

And this, my best friend, who’s not only a loser with women

and a giant slob but a goddamn lush.

Case closed. So what does that say about me?

Good luck, guys. See you later.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

Hey, you shaved.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, Mrs. Berg.

| do believe that this is extremely important.

Otherwise, | wouldn’t have

called you all the way down here.

So, what’s the issue?

Kaleena tells me you had a great day together.

That we did. At least, | thought that we did.

| am sickened to discover

that she has stolen from me.

What? Oh, you’re good.

| didn’t steal anything. Last time you were here,

| put my iPhone on that coffee table.

Next time | looked, after you left, it was gone.

| just want my phone back.

Return my phone, and | won't call the police.

Are you sure you didn’t misplace the phone?

| think that instead of pointing the finger at the victim

that maybe you should be looking in a certain someone’s backpack.

Mrs. Keefe-- [CELL PHONE RINGS]

See? Yeah! That’s my phone. This is my phone, lady.

Yeah, well, that’s my ring,

junior mint, so | think we better be checking your pockets.

Is this yours?

| do not believe so.

There’s just an iPhone in your cushions.

| don’t know. Don’t ask me. You found it.

You said that’s your ring. Nobody’s talking to you.

A million people have that ring. It comes with it.

It doesn’t prove that’s my phone.

[RINGING]

Just give me the goddamn phone.

[SCOFFS]

We'll be going now. Come on, Kaleena.

Dumb bitch.

Ooh! Did you just hear what she--

She just called me a dumb bitch!

Hey! | got a lot of love to give.

Who keeps calling me?

TOMMY: No. | told you you can call me anytime.

Don’t apologize for calling.

It’s just that I’m actually on my way to a meeting,

so I’m going to be in there for, like, an hour or whatever.

DEREK: So should | call you in an hour?

Uh...

| think | could be in there for two hours. | don’t know.

DEREK: Okay. Okay. I'll call you in two hours.

Oh. Well, um--

Wait, wait, wait. I’m going through--

Uh-huh. This really close...

[CLATTERING]

[CRASHES]

[CAR ALARM BEEPING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Hey. Hey!

| walked away to the trash for two seconds.

She could have killed me.

Do me a favor, will you? Call 911, all right?

Yo, buddy, my propane. What?

My propane tank, it’s under the car!

Shit! Get these people out of here. Hurry up.

MAN: Come on. Get out of here, guys, come on!

[RINGING] Oh, drink, asshole, drink!

Get out of here! Get out of here!

[SCREAMING]

[SIRENS BLARING]

Let’s see what we got here.

You dress up in your dead cousin’s gear

and go out on calls with your crew

and the crew on another shift.

You hide in the truck,

and you go out on calls as your dead cousin.

This dead cousin thing. What is up with that?

[SIGHS]

After 9/11-- It’s kind of complicated, but basically,

in a nutshell, uh,

had some problems with my wife,

drinking, pills-- Lot of pills, lot of drinking--

and my brother and my wife had an affair.

And he’s dead now. So...

Um, and then, | quit drinking and the pills and everything.

So...

Okay. Get out of here.

| didn’t kill him, my brother. It's okay. Go.

You know, guys like you, you know, you just--

| get, what, four seconds to explain myself?

I’ve been fighting fires-- Mr. Gavin, go back to work.

You’re cleared. Case dismissed.

Go back to the firehouse?

Look, Mr. Gavin. You’re a vet.

You've got all the years, the saves,

the medal recommendations. That’s right.

Whack job or not,

the department can’t afford to lose guys like you.

Maybe you’re a little nuts, yeah,

but all the guys we lost in the towers,

all the guys who got out after, you know,

there’s just too much fresh blood on the job

right now. We need you.

Well, thank you. So I’m-- I’m not crazy.

Oh, you’re crazy. | mean, you're like Margot Kidder

hiding in the bushes kind of crazy.

But, you know, your job is to run at the fire.

You got to be a little crazy, right? Right.

That’s it? Well, uh, to be honest, there--

There was one big thing that really worked in your favor.

You know this guy, Feinberg,

the guy who pulled the Section Eight on you? Yeah?

Yeah. We used to work on the same crew

about a million years ago. Goddamn prick.

He slammed the cabin door on my hand going to a call.

l’ve been chained to the desk thanks to him.

So this is a revenge thing?

Oh, you bet your sweet ass it is.

[LAUGHS]

Thanks.

[EXHALES]

| know! You remember that?

Crazy. Oh, my God.

Hey, guys. | got off.

TOMMY: It's unbelievable. The guy--

What?

Are you guys pissed off about what | said before?

| had a hunch. | was playing a practical joke on you guys.

Come on! Garrity. Like you’re as stupid as I--

Look.

Tommy. I’m with your daughter.

SEAN: Holy shit. Sorry?

Colleen and me. We’re together.

She’s feeling me. I’m feeling her.

We’re in love and very happy.

So, what you going to do?

Mmm. Mmm.

Yeah. Mmm.

What? Nothing. What?

What? You’ve been, like, looking like you have

this weird blank look on your face

like you’re not even here. | have an idea, okay?

What? It’s kinky.

Oh, yeah? What? Yeah.

Can you do a French accent?

A French accent? Why?

D-- Because it could be hot, you know.

Sexy.

Okay.

Yeah. Ooh.

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Monsieur.

Oh, yeah.

My name is Cecile.

Ooh, yeah.

And | am a maid. Mmm.

And this is my shoe. Ohh.

Mmm. Yeah. That is nice.

It make me feel like a big, big souffle.

La-la. Heh-heh-heh.

Oh, monster, monster.

Now, ask me a couple of questions, okay?

Mmm.

What?

Hey, Mikey, where you at? I’m at a bar by 84th and Amsterdam

on the North side of the street. Get your ass over here now.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, yeah. | think maybe I’ve been here before.

You think? Asshole.

Well, hey, you want to grab a brew? Shut up.

[Pre]