Original subtitles

I'm terribly sorry, did I disturb you?

Mrs barrow: I should scream.

I shan't keep you a moment.

Don't do that, you might disturb the neighbours.

I must compliment you on your good taste, by the way.

You have such beautiful objects.

I particularly like the Picasso lithographs in the hall.

However, of all the beautiful objects

I must say, you are by far the most exquisite.

I shall scream.

Later.

Emily barrow: It was awful.

Sorry about that I caught it off the wife.

Nothing more you can think of that might be of any help, mrs barrow?

Oh it was awful, him standing there like that.

If only I'd been here to protect you.

I'm on nights this week you see.

I do voluntary social work looking after inadequates.

Yes, I see.

Now if I can just recap.

"I was awakened at about 2:30 am by a noise.

I got up to investigate.

I went into the dining room and switched on the light.

I saw a man standing there by the window going through the silver."

Yes that's right.

I was so frightened, I didn't know what to do.

Constable: Then we come on to your description of the man.

"He wore a small black velvet mask, ginger hair, height about six feet, four

stocky build, sallow complexion, age somewhere between 40 and 50.

Spoke with a Russian accent."

"He pushed past me, seized my Jewel case and ran out of the flat."

Please, constable, my wife's recovering from a very nasty shock.

Right then.

Your husband's given me a list of yourjewellery.

I daresay you'll be hearing from us pretty quick.

In the meantime, if you do happen to remember anything else

you know where we are.

Good day madam.

Disgusting!

Inspector Smith: Must be a gang.

Absolutely disgusting.

Inspector Smith: Every description different.

These Jewel robberies

it must be a gang operation.

Or a master of disguise.

Well, who could disguise himself as a club footed coloured midget one week

and a six foot six Russian with a hairlip the next?

Out of work actor maybe?

Christ, seven burglaries in three months.

Always the same trademark and yet seven totally different descriptions.

The old man's doing his nut

and the identity kit boys aren't even talking to me.

They think I'm having them on.

So what do you want me to check on, multiracial gangs or out of work actors?

I'll check myself

with the latest victim.

What's her name?

- Mrs barrow? - Yeah.

Well, come on.

I do have this latest consignment of dodgy magazines to check sir.

We're in the middle of a bloody crime wave

and they keep pinching my men for the pornography squad.

Can't you just leave that for a moment?

Plinth?!

Yes sir.

I'll fetch it with me sir, I could always work on it in the car.

Oh, it was awful, awful.

I kept protesting, of course,

but he just kept saying 'nyet nyet' in that dreadful, grating accent.

What makes you think it was Russian, mrs barrow?

Oh, I couldn't be sure, I mean,

he could have been Serbian, croat or something,

or even Icelandic.

But he gave that, well, impression.

Yes.

I do hope I'm being helpful.

Oh, yes, yes.

Tell me you did say it was 2:30 am this happened?

Tell me, why didn't you call the police before six in the morning?

Oh, was it that long?

I mean, I was stressed, I was fraught, uh

and that's when my husband came home.

Yes, I do social work at night you see.

Looking after inadequates.

I see.

And that's when you felt sufficiently recovered from the shock to phone us?

Exactly.

Thank you, mrs barrow, mr barrow.

That's all we need to know for now.

I might need to question you again later.

Yes, of course, I'll do anything I can to help

see that beast put behind bars.

Hmm, well from what you told us, you may be the subject of an extradition order.

- We'll see, sergeant plinth. - Sir?

I don't think we'll get much more from mrs barrow.

Is the insurance investigator here?

Yes sir, left out in the hall with the reporter.

- I think I'll have a word with her. - Yes sir.

Alright, you can come in now.

Inspector Smith's finished.

And the inspector would like a word with you miss.

Not bad for an insurance investigator, eh?

She could settle my claim any time.

You reporters you're all the same aren't you?

Sex mad!

Go on if you want to finish your interview.

Hey, that's not bad either.

Well you couldn't blame anyone for snatching her in, could you?

Sorry for that interruption, mrs barrow.

Must let the guardians of the law get on with their work, mustn't we?

Right, now where were we?

Ah yes, you were saying how you thought pornography and violence on television

was encouraging this sort of thing.

Uh, I thought you said that?

Well, it's the same thing these days, mrs barrow.

It's all violence.

You know, you're very lucky he only took your jewellery.

He didn't harm you in any way.

Well, he was in such a rush, you see.

Uh there was an emerald necklace, for example, valued at over £11,000.

Judy Marvin: Mrs barrow, I really don't think it's wise

to have that sort of information printed in a newspaper.

Guy Hammond: Oh, come on.

I insist it's printed.

I don't want him to think he's got away with everything.

I mean, well, it'll be a comfort to anyone who reads it

to think that burglars don't take everything.

That's the only reason I want it printed, I assure you.

She's asking for trouble, you know, saying things like that to the press,

especially guy Hammond.

Not much I can do if she wants to invite another burglary.

Have you found anything?

Same as all the others, not a single clue.

- No progress at all? - No.

You?

Let's drown our sorrow, shall we?

Judy Marvin: It's costing the insurance company a small fortune.

Five out of the seven burglaries have been our clients.

Yeah, I remember you thinking there might be a connection.

One of my more inspired ideas.

Not that it came to anything other than upsetting half the staff.

Didn't exactly please my boss either.

You know, if I don't come up with something positive soon,

I'm going to be out of a job.

You know, miss Marvin.

Oh please call me Judy.

Judy, if I don't solve this case quickly, I'm going to be in trouble too.

I hear them all whispering now

pratty would have solved it.

I took Pratt's place when he retired.

Inspector Pratt, yes he was quite famous, wasn't he?

Right.

This is my chance to really prove myself

and I can't even find a single clue.

Not one.

Not even half a clue.

Never mind, inspector.

Robert.

No offence but I'm afraid I do mind.

I'm sure something will turn up.

You know, Judy, there's something about you I really admire.

Tits.

I'm a big tit man myself.

No, arses and thighs, that's me.

I have dreams at night about them.

Oh, don't mistake me, I mean I like arses and thighs too

but... tits you know, great big ones.

That's really something.

I tell you, when I firstjoined the force, I asked to go with the vice squad but

there's such a long waiting list.

I suppose you must get access to some pretty hot stuff up the yard.

- Yeah. - You know, photos and things.

Most of it's under lock and key, of course, but um...

Now and again, you manage to get a quick glimpse.

I'll tell you the other day,

a couple of boys from the flying squad,

they seized a bunch of really hard-core porn stuff.

They were trying to smuggle it in through customs.

- Yeah. - Well there was one.

I'll tell you I've never seen anything like it before.

It was this, um

this bird like, beautiful tits, beautiful.

She'd got this stuffed rhinoceros on her...

What you came for is under here with me.

- It's all insured. - Grant Henry: Good.

Then we'll both get something.

But, if you don't mind, I won't stay, I'm very tired.

I do hope you haven't worn yourself out breaking and entering

but if you want them, you've got to take them.

Grant Henry: No really, thank you, I mustn't be too late back

I have to be up early in the morning and... you understand?

I'm sure the police would understand, but of course,

they might not let you sleep either.

Ah good morning.

My usual carnation please?

- Just the one sir. - Ah yes thank you.

Oh that'll be 10p.

- Thank you very much, good day to you. - Thank you.

God bless.

Ah, is he up yet?

Had a late night of it, dead to the world when I arrived.

- Yes, but is he up? - Just about.

- Would you like coffee? - Jacobi: Oh, I wouldn't mind.

Well, I'm glad to hear he's working again.

Grant always writes his best stuff at night.

It's all right for you.

I have to transcribe it while he sleeps all day.

Oh, as long as he brings the work in on time, I don't care when he sleeps.

What about the latest? Has it got a title yet?

The dirty and the dying, I think,

hasn't made his mind up yet.

Um, what about the proof for the new cover design, has that come through?

No, not yet.

Well, it should have done, it was posted on Friday.

Well, as far as I know, it hasn't arrived,

unless Grant's got them and forgot to tell me.

Oh hello jacobi,

I thought I heard your dulcet sweet tones.

Hey listen, did you get those cover designs through for virgin vengeance?

Virgin vengeance? No why?

Oh, bloody Arnold he's supposed to have posted them on...

Hello, mr riddle, jacobi here.

Hello, Arnold?

Where the hell have those bloody cover designs got to?

Yes, I know, you told me you posted them on Friday.

No, well of course, I'm sure I'm sitting right here with him now.

Jacobi: Fire her and get yourself another one.

If you're going to screw them, screw one that's efficient.

They should be round later this afternoon, he's sending them round by hand.

Right, so how many chapters have you got for me?

As your publisher, I'd say that's definitely a best seller.

Worth a nice advance on royalties don't you think?

What it is to be a creative artist.

I tell you, if he'd ever have been allowed to join the club, I'd have resigned.

I had a letter to the secretary written out already.

I say!

Isn't that Grant Henry, the writer fellow?

See you too.

- Scotch? - Uh yes thank you.

Did you know him?

No, I don't go in for reading much

browse of the financial times and that's about all.

- Do you know him Freddy? - Well

- actually yes. - No?

We went to school together.

Can't remember him as very brainy though, I must say for a chap that writes books.

I say does one actually earn money from that kind of thing?

I've no idea.

He always seems to have money.

He probably gets vast sums for film rights that sort of thing.

I got an uncle who writes books, mainly about pigs.

I don't suppose anybody wants to make a film about them though.

He was a jolly good athlete, I remember that.

My uncle?

No, no. Grant Henry.

Grant, how are you?

- Grant Henry: Freddy. - Do join us.

Do you know lord Prescott?

- No I don't think I do. - Porky to us.

- And Ian wesleydale. - Oh how do you do?

I've heard about you.

You write thrillers don't you?

- Grant Henry: Uh yes. - Ah how jolly thrilling!

You know, I once knew a man who knew Ian Fleming.

- Really? - Yes, he was a writer, too.

- Yes so I believe. - Yes and he played golf frightfully well.

At least that's the story I heard from the man I knew who knew him.

- Yes. - Well, my dear chap.

- How's the world treating you? - Oh, can't complain.

You know, I see your paperbacks on railway book stores frequently.

Gathering dust I'm afraid.

Oh, come on

all you writers earn fortunes, it's the film rights.

Wesleydale: I say have you ever met Sophia loren?

- Grant Henry: No. - Or Jane Fonda?

Oh pity.

I'm afraid I haven't sold any of my books to films yet.

When you do, be sure to have them both in it.

Yes, yes, I'll try.

- They're jolly good. - Yes.

My wife florinda reads a lot of books and magazines.

I must tell her I've met you, she'll be thrilled.

She reads, writing you know.

It's the best thing to do with it.

Grant Henry: Are you still living in the country?

Oh, yes, well we all do.

Came up to town tonight with Ian and met porky.

We go wrestling together.

You wrestle?

No no we watch it.

- Ha! - All over the place.

Shoreditch town hall tonight, frightfully amusing spot.

Then Ian and I will drive back.

- But you're staying? - Yes, we have a small place in town.

We don't keep staff or anything like that a 'pied-é-terre.'

you must pop around sometime.

Florinda would love to meet you.

She loves actors and writers and that sort of person.

But not wrestlers.

No, she prefers to watch it on the telly.

Hyde park place, you must pop round.

Penthouse, numbers in the book.

Thanks.

I just might do that.

Porky Prescott: I say we've got a spare ticket if you'd like to come along,

you're more than welcome.

Grant Henry: Thanks again but I have to work tonight.

I promised my publisher I'd have something for him in the morning.

Florinda Prescott: Oh I mean, you don't have to do that kind of thing in public.

Announcement: And now ladies and gentlemen.

Well, quite darling, I certainly won't go down there for the weekend again.

I know!

It's when they start doing it in front of the children that I object

not that the eldest's his anyway.

If he was mine, I certainly wouldn't let him behave like that.

Well, not in front of the guests, at any rate.

You know me, darling, I'm the last one to be fussy about, we" things like that

but when you're at a formal dinner party and suddenly

he gets it out and start stirring the soup with it,

well, darling, I for one, find it most off putting.

What darling?

Oh I never did believe that story anyway.

I mean, he's much too good a swimmer.

Do you remember that weekend down at Harriet's?

No, Rodney's Harriet.

That's the one who ran away with the lesbian waitress from fortnums.

That's right.

They ended up in the south of France just after Stephanie's third abortion.

Fourth was it?

Well, anyway, I was down there for the weekend just after Christmas.

Yes.

Yes well anway, clive, was there.

That is assuming that she is his mother.

Well, darling, after what Cynthia garnet-Lovell told me at Tony's 21st.

No marriage darling, not birthday.

M-My husband's downstairs.

I mean I've only got to make the slightest sound and he'll come running.

I can't believe any husband,

could allow such a beautiful woman,

to go to bed, alone.

Your neck is so beautiful, so white.

So firm.

This is madness.

Your a handsome burglar and I'm an unhappily married woman.

Yes, it is madness.

You, so exquisite.

- Making me mad. - No!

But my husband wouldn't like it.

Your husband's not going to get it.

No please. Please no.

Oh!

Yes.

So what is it she's missing?

About £80,000 worth sir.

What was it lady Prescott said?

Small, about 45, black beard and one arm.

If only I had something to go on.

Anything.

I tell you sergeant this man's harder to catch then Jack the ripper.

Don't worry, sir, he'll make a mistake.

They always do.

It's not right, you know.

There's no pictures, there ought to be pictures.

I mean, how else are you supposed to know what he's on about?

Hello Judy, Marvin here.

Inspector Smith: Hello, I'm afraid our burgling friend struck again last night.

Or one of them, I'm beginning to think it must be a gang.

Uh, does your company have an insurance for lord Prescott?

No, thank god.

I just had a rocket from my boss to.

If I don't come up with something positive soon, I'm going to be out of a job.

Would it help if I gave him a ring, had a word with him?

That's very kind of you, Robert, but I don't think it would have any effect.

He never wanted a woman in the job in the first place.

Now it's proving the point.

We seem to be in the same boat.

Well, don't wear this thief he'll make a mistake, they always do.

Well, I only hope he makes it before the end of next week.

So where's the photographer?

This is London baby not Rome, now come on.

Jezebel will you stop doing that.

Why, they're my clothes, for Christ's sake.

Well, you better start taking better care of them baby.

They may have to last you quite a while.

So I get myself another movie.

I'm a star ain't I?

Sure you're a star.

It's just you can't act.

Listen boot-face,

I got real good notices for hot pants broad.

They said I was a great performer.

Well, they weren't talking about your acting for Christ's sake.

If I can't act

how come I starred in seven first feature movies?

Cause you were being screwed by the head of empire films, that's how.

I told you, baby

you should never have walked out on that guy.

Like I said at the time, who needs him?

You for one and me for another.

Who else will give us work?

Right now, I can't even get you publicity, let alone a god damn movie.

Listen, why were there no photographers when I arrived?

I always had photographers.

Sure you always have photographers, don't I know!

Are you making illusion?

I ain't doing nothing.

All I'm saying is make my life a lot more easy

if you weren't always screwing with photographers.

What good were they for you?

What good did you ever do for me?

And you're supposed to be my agent.

Listen, just because I happen to like one or two photographers,

what call is there for you to bitch?

I got my pictures in the papers, didn't I?

Great but they don't pay for pictures unless they move.

You get movies when you get publicity.

A good agent makes publicity for his clients.

Listen, the only things that are making headlines over here right at this moment

are these god damn Jewel robberies

now maybe if you get yourself burgled or something you might hit the papers.

Guido baby.

I wouldn't have believed it but

you've come up with something at last.

I have?

And there was this sapphire ring that was worth $15,733.

And a diamond brooch with genuine mink all the way around

that was only worth $5,411.

Miss Lorraine could you tell us just how it all happened?

Oh well, it was awful.

My goodness it was awful.

I was in the bathroom taking a bath,

you know, with lots of bubbles, because they make me supple.

Well, suddenly I heard this noise in the other room.

The bedroom.

Well, I thought it was my agent, you know.

Then I remembered he said he was going to have an early night.

So I got out of the bath and went to investigate.

Were you wearing any clothes, miss Lorraine?

Well, sure I was wearing clothes, I had this bathrobe on.

Anyhow, I went into the bedroom and my goodness, there he was.

Well, I nearly fainted.

I mean, he was enormous.

Could you describe him again for us, please?

Tall, very tall,

with black hair all over,

but with ginger streaks in it and he was going a bit bald as well.

But some of the descriptions in the past have said he was very small.

Well, he did slouch a lot.

What I meant was he was very tall when he straightened up

and he had this black mask all over.

And he was just well, he was just unbelievable.

It was just like out of that movie, I did with Tony Anthony, sex o,

where I did the scene in the bath and he suddenly came in

dressed like he was Betty Davis and chopped me up with an icepick.

Well, I mean, you know, I don't know if you remember the scene,

but we had an awful lot of trouble shooting it

- because". - Miss Lorraine.

Did this man threaten you at all?

Well sure he threatened me.

He chopped me up with an ice pick, I already told you.

I meant last night.

Oh, yeah, well, sure, sure he threatened me.

I mean, he was enormous this guy, like I told you,

maybe 190, maybe 200 pounds and I was all on my own.

And he had a gun.

Yeah, he had a gun, this guy.

And he threatened me with it

saying he'd shoot me if I didn't do everything he asked me to.

You know, like give him all my jewellery.

And then...

And then he raped me.

Yeah, it was terrible, it was like a nightmare, you've no idea.

He pointed this gun at me and forced me to undress.

Well, you can imagine how embarrassed I felt.

I mean, it's one thing to do it for a movie camera

and another entirely when you're with some strange burglar wearing a mask, you know?

Anyhow, he looked at my naked body hungrin

and he said how I was his favourite movie star.

And how in hot pants broad I fitted the title perfectly.

Well, then he he got this rope

and he forced me to lie down while he tied me up like a chicken.

He trussed my naked body up like a chicken

and then he raped me, seven times, one for each of my movies.

Jesus!

Yeah, he'd seen every one of my movies.

Wanted to know what my next one was going to be.

Well, I told him I was still looking for the right part.

Of course, empire films desperately wanted me to go back,

but, well, I'm tired of doing these kind of sexy parts.

What I'm looking for now is something that will stretch me.

Have you ever heard such a ridiculous story?

Sounds more like a plot of a film to me.

A pretty lurid plot, too, wasn't it?

Seven times.

That's one hell of a rape.

It's one hell of an insurance claim she's putting in for too.

I don't know what I'm going to say to my boss.

So obviously a put up job for publicity.

Tomorrow I'm going to go back there and go right through that list

and check out everything she claims was stolen.

I must say she's making use of the situation.

That press conference of hers looks like it's due to go on the whole day.

I was thinking

If it is all a put up job for publicity,

I wonder what the burglar's reactions are going to be

tomorrow when he picks up the morning paper

and reads that he's supposed to have raped one of the screen sex symbols seven times.

Hmm, thanks love.

Bloody hell.

Oh!

Good morning. Morning.

How's my little Angie this morning?

World's best secretary.

Morning, mr jacobi.

You're early, how come?

New chapters what else?

Morning Grant, I gather you've got quite a lot for me this morning.

How about some coffee dear?

Seven times?

It's a good job Angie doesn't know about your little hobby at nights.

Or yours.

It's just as well you're a good fence, because you're a lousy bloody publisher.

Well there's no money in books, unless you've got a sensation.

Now you write your memoirs, my boy

and we can all go straight if last night's a fair example.

Grant Henry: Oh don't be an idiot.

It's all a pack of bloody lies.

Oh Grant baby you can tell me.

Look, I told you, I never burgled anybody last night.

I was at the theatre with Angie.

You're joking?

And there was I rushing over thinking you'd have all that lovely stuff for me.

It's all lies, some stupid, bloody publicity stunt.

What a pity.

Reads like there was some nice stuff there, too.

Sapphire rings, diamond necklaces.

Coffee.

Morning.

I'd like to buy a Smith and Wesson revolver.

45 calibre, heavy duty with a spin chamber.

Yes sir, with percussion caps?

Uh, no thank you, I don't want to make a bang.

A water pistol then?

Yes, yes now that would do rather nicely.

Who's for standard?

Who's for standard?

Who's for standard?

Who's for standard?

- Taxi driver: Thank you. - Cheers.

Sorry I'm late, I got held up in the traffic.

That's alright.

Have you um...

Have you got them?

Oh dear!

It's fantastic.

You know the one underneath that's very good.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

No, no, not that one no.

The one where she's uh... yeah, that one.

These are bloody marvellous right.

Listen, you can't get hold of any in colour can you?

I can try, I mean I may have to slip the boys a little something you know?

No that's no problem.

Oh what?!

These are really good

Christ, how did she manage that?

Jesus just look at the size...

Look um, I can't stay long.

I'm supposed to be keeping an eye on miss Lorraine upstairs.

Can't be bad.

Not for me, I don't fancy being the subject of her next press conference.

You're dead right.

Did you hear the story about the guy who got applause

writing a new musical for her.

- No. - Yeah, it's called clap.

Ah I really ought to be going.

Cheers Roy.

Grant Henry: Evening.

Do I seem to have been here before?

This can hardly come to you as a surprise.

Now then first things first,

your jewels.

I ain't got none.

Honest.

Well there's a false back on it

but-but there isn't all I said there was.

I had to sell most of it before I left the states.

Perhaps you should cast your mind back

to what happened last night.

Oh my god!

Please miss Lorraine

your robe.

I don't think we'll really be needing that.

Now for the hard part.

Oh... damn it.

How many does that make?

I think it's my round.

Round one.

[Glasses clink,

Hey what's the time?

One more for the road, eh?

Same again please.

I'm sorry, sir.

It's gone closing time.

Guy Hammond: So drunk!

Oh I can't believe it.

Such good times.

She must have had a plank across his burn or something.

Where are you going?

Oh!

He's one of us.

This is one of us.

Come on, I know this little place we can...

We can go.

Hold on though.

We can drink all night.

Doorman: They're all topless here.

Bottomless, pit-less, everything here.

Everything's less, the price as well.

Come on 18 of them.

They're all naked and they dance.

You can have a look inside.

Come on don't cost you anything 'till you get right in

then it's a nicker and you see 18.

Here y'are

18 beautiful birds here all naked

and they dance.

Non-stop titillation for a nicker.

Come and have a look, here y'are.

Only a nicker.

Non-stop titillation.

Hey, I'll bring smiler in here that'll get him right.

Go on in there.

Here y'are, 18 beautiful birds in here.

Ah look at that!

Oh I like it.

Let's get a seat in here eh?

Oh yes, yes, more, more, more, more, more.

Come on, let's get in.

Oh!

Come on let's sit down.

Oh cheeky!

Oi, pack it in.

Let's have a look. More!

Cheeky! Cheeky!

Oh, I like it.

Yeay!

Come over to my place.

I want tits.

Where's he going?

More, more, more, more!

Go on smiler get home out the cold.

Our 18 beautiful birds.

Seven.

Seven times.

Seven times without a break for a drink even.

Miss Lorraine, I've already heard that story, thank you.

All day yesterday and the day before.

Well, how come when it only happened...

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Silly of me.

It's the shock it makes me lose all sense of time.

I guess you could call it a delayed reaction, you know?

We were talking about your insurance

and I've already spoken to customs and according to them,

the jewels you claim were stolen never entered the country.

Listen, babe, why don't we leave this 'till some other time?

Jezebel's tired right now.

That business about the jewels, it's all genuine stuff

but she needs time to work it... to recover.

The way he raped me like that.

He just never stopped.

It was awful, you can't imagine.

He was so young and strong.

Oh it was awful.

Call it women's intuition if you like, but it's certainly a possible reason why

all the descriptions of the burglar differ from one another.

Well, it's better than being a gang, isn't it?

Well, all the victims were women, remember?

Yeah, okay, I'll be right over.

Judy Marvin: Guy! What are you doing here?

Oh, hello, I was just looking for something I left here last night.

- Is it important? - Yes, it is.

Listen, I want you to come with me to see inspector Smith.

But I'm innocent.

I didn't know what was in that envelope.

It was handed to me by a complete stranger.

Guy, I don't know what you're talking about,

but the inspector and I need your help.

You do?

What for?

To catch a cat.

- What? - Cat burglar, come on.

A cat burglar?

All right, Judy, assuming you're right

and all his victims deliberately lied because he seduced them.

All we can do is to um

revisit the complainants and try to wring a confession from one of them.

What we need is some kind of plan where we can catch the burglar in the act.

Which act?

Guy we'll need newspaper coverage.

That'il be your department.

As for the bait leave that to me.

You'll come with me, Robert, alright?

Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course.

Where?

It's an unusual request,

but naturally, inspector, I'll only be too pleased to cooperate.

Although I do suggest we take a few special precautions.

After all, we don't want any little mishaps, do we?

Do you have any ideas?

£6,000.

50... 7,000.

8000.

9,000 and 20.

£9,500.

£9,500.

Wilson and Tate and sudlow

And now we come to lot 36,

an emerald and diamond necklace created in 1831

for the diamond jubilee celebration of the crown prince of Poland.

Specially made for his German mistress,

Helga from gotterdammerung. The piece contains

327 smaller emeralds, the centrepiece being the famous

16 carat waleska diamond, which was added to the necklace in 1903.

The bidding will commence at £50,000.

£50,000.

And five, 60,

70, 80, 90,

100, £100,000.

Ten.

30, 40.

£150,000.

£150,000.

And ten,

£160,000.

And five.

And five.

£195,000.

Do I hear any other bids?

£195,000.

The second row, lady in the fur coat.

Can't stay long.

Got to write up a piece about the auction, so it'll make the evening editions.

Everything went according to plan then?

195,000 it ended up at.

That's not bad for a piece of paste or glass or whatever you call it.

Do you know, I could see the auctioneers face

getting worried as the price kept going up

but Judy just kept bidding higher and higher until she got it.

Sergeant plinth: Yeah? Where's Judy now?

Guy Hammond: She's gone on a shopping spree, hoping the thief will follow her.

Christ!

I hope she doesn't lose him and cock-up the whole case.

Which reminds me.

Seized them at customs last night.

Seen a couple of them, they're not bad.

Oh, wow.

Should be able to flog this lot easily enough.

Yeah, well don't lose this little lot like you lost the last.

Have you been served?

Lemon tea, please.

Cor, I wouldn't mind those for breakfast, I can tell you.

I had a friend who was a cameraman once.

I asked him about those shots, you know, those shots when they get right up

Anything else?

Anyway, I'll have no trouble getting rid of that lot.

This Danish stuff, you know,

it's really good, I mean, it's... it's refined.

I mean, they give a minge class, don't they?

I wish you could remember where you left that bloody envelope!

Look I tried the hotel, nobody had handed it in.

Well they wouldn't would they?

I mean supposing someone takes a look inside

and then goes straight to the police, then what happens?

Then we'll get it back again, won't we?

Well, as long as no one recognises it at the yard,

or I'll really be in for it if that happens.

I suppose you realise

you've been parked on a double yellow line for the past three quarters of an hour.

Oh, really?

I've been watching you.

I would have thought a pretty girl like you

would have had something much better to do with your time.

Right then.

I'll get that thing in before it's too late.

Then I'll see about getting rid of that little lot.

You know, if they're good, should get a fair price for them.

Oh, ouch my leg!

Cor blimey, it's someone's prick!

How did it go? Alright?

Perfectly.

Now, as long as guy does his part okay, we should get results and soon.

Judy, I'm... I'm worried.

Why?

Well, the idea of using a bait to attract this thief is one thing

but leaving you alone in this house, well that's too much.

I mean, supposing your assumption is correct.

Supposing he does fall for the bait.

And breaks in tonight

or tomorrow after he's read about the auction.

Well, what can we lose

even if something goes wrong?

A phoney necklace that isn't worth a cent.

It wasn't the necklace I was thinking of.

I was thinking of you.

I know I'm only an inspector at new Scotland yard

and my name isn't anything more than plain Smith,

which isn't much to offer anybody, I must admit,

but I may be just another ordinary kind of person, but I do get very concerned about

you and it worries me because I think you're just about

the most wonderful insurance investigator I've ever met and uh...

If anything happened to you, I-I don't know what I'd do

you know, because I think you're so um... nice and uh

well you're a wonderful girl, Judy.

At least I think you're wonderful and...

Rape me.

I beg your pardon?

Rape me.

Well you know what rape is?

Well yes, it's um...

Rape, uh yes, yes.

Well, if you're so worried about me being raped by this burglar, you do it.

Oh, for god's sake, Robert, will you please rape me?

Look I'm not very good at these sort of things.

Robert!

You know, I was educated

at the kind of school where we didn't get much opportunity to um...

Uh, get much practise at uh...

You shouldn't have done that.

You should never do that to a police officer.

Remember, we're all trained in unarmed combat.

It's a... it's a compete instinct to anyone in the force.

Well, your instincts are a bit slow then.

I may look mild, but when I want to be I can get really rough.

Alright, go for me again.

I don't want to hurt you.

You won't.

I might forget myself and...

Look just go for me again, will you?

Now go for me as if you're going to rape me.

Woah!

Oh my god!

Still worried about tonight?

By the way,

didn't like to mention it at the time, but I'm also a black belt at karate.

You're late back.

Feeling better?

There's something wrong somewhere.

Feels wrong.

Having trouble with one of your plots?

I'm just tired.

Perhaps too tired.

For what?

To make an important decision.

I'll get the stimulator.

- What? - Just relax.

It was really weird this afternoon.

- Hmm? - I was walking along

when suddenly this car hit this man

carrying a suitcase, as he crossed the road.

Well, he went up in the air

and so did the suitcase and all the contents splattered out.

And what do you think they were?

Ladies underwear.

No, blue movies.

How's that?

Mmm better.

Just relax.

Let yourself go limp.

Don't worry I feel limp.

Why don't we go upstairs, I could perform much better on the bed.

Oh too much effort to go up the stairs.

We'll be all right here.

Grant Henry: Yes, who is it?

It's me, jacobi, what the hell's going on in there?

Grant Henry: Turn that damn thing off!

Angie: Grant you can't stop now, let him wait.

- Let who wait? - Grant Henry: Turn it off!

I can't hear myself speak.

I can't hear myself hear.

Grant Henry: Jacobi's waiting on us now put it off.

Angie: Jacobi can you hang on for a few minutes?

- We're just in the middle of something. - Grant Henry: Don't be silly

he can't stand out there when we're in the middle...

Angie: Just a few minutes isn't going to hurt him.

Grant Henry: Angie go and let him in.

Angie: No you let him in, I can't, I'm not...

Grant Henry: Oh for Christ's sake, neither can I, not with...

Look, Grant, what is going on in there?

Let me in, for god's sake.

Jacobi: And about time too.

Angie: What the hell do you want?

Scotch and I'll pour it myself, now get lost Angie.

Charming!

The trouble with women is they're not self-sufficient.

At least none of the ones that I've ever met.

Yes, never mind about your sex life.

Let's talk about your business life for a moment.

Have you read the papers?

Alright, I see you have.

Now this mrs rothfellow

did you see that she's...

I'm ahead of you, jacobi.

She keeps all herjewels in her safe in a house in Kensington.

She goes to bed early and she lives alone.

I found all this out this afternoon after the auction.

The necklace looks very nice.

She looks even better.

The house looks as if it's wide open and waiting for me to go in.

Which is what I don't like.

I don't know it seems too easy, it smells wrong.

What the hell are you talking about?

Money, that's what it smells of.

I can get 100 grand for the waleska diamond alone.

Never mind what else she's got stashed away in that safe of hers.

Well you read what she said in the papers.

She doesn't trust banks.

That means she's got it all there.

Oh, come on, Grant you've got to do her.

Look, we can all leave the country afterwards.

Go away on a long vacation.

What the hell with a hundred grand, we can all retire.

Well, I could certainly do with a holiday.

Right. Right.

And I certainly have been overdoing it recently.

Definitely.

And it's only just after midnight.

Angie love.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to go out.

What are you two doing here?

Supposing the burglar sees you?

The inspector insisted I call round to see if you were all right.

Don't mind me, I'm just going to wire a couple of speakers up in the bedroom.

So the second he touches the combination lock

on the blooming safe, you'll be able to hear.

That's if he hasn't been frightened off already by you.

[Phone receiver clicks, sighs and dials

I told you I'd be perfectly alright on my own, Robert.

Now, will you please stop fussing

and sending a sergeant round to check up on me?

Well, of course he looks like a policeman, he's got those kind of feet.

If I need any help, I'll call you, alright?

Look, it's after midnight.

I don't know what guy's doing upstairs.

Wiring up some speakers, so you'll know when...

Right then.

- We'i| leave you in peace. - All finished up there?

Yeah, don't worry.

The second anything happens, it'll start up.

Of course, I could always disguise myself.

I do a very good postman.

At one o'clock in the morning?

Here.

I know that fella from somewhere.

No one I know and I never forget a face.

Well, we're especially trained to remember them you see.

I could swear I've seen him somewhere and recently too.

Now if he'd got big tits I'd remember him

even if I'd never seen him before.

Thighs mate, that's what's best.

Great big, juicy thighs and lovely squeezy bums.

No, give me a pair of tits any day.

They wouldn't suit you dear!

- Great big ones. - Thighs.

- Tits. - Thighs.

- Tits. - Arses.

- Tits. - Bollocks.

Why don't you try three to the right,

two to the left, and one to the right again?

Sorry, that's all there is in there.

Well now, mrs rothfellow

where do you keep the rest?

In your bedroom?

Oh, there's nothing up there, I assure you.

But you're welcome to have a look while I call the police.

This looks cheap compared to your beauty.

And you are very beautiful.

I know all about your techniques with the ladies, you burgle.

Uh-huh.

So there's really no need.

You needn't bother.

Just to set the record straight

my name's Judy Marvin.

I'm an insurance investigator

and this entire evening has been an elaborate charade in order to bait you.

Because you've nearly cost me my job

the way you've been going on the last few months.

And I sincerely hope that you don't compare me to this little trinket.

It's only a bit of paste and glass run up for the occasion.

Aargh!

Let's go.

Huh, oh.

Grant Henry!

How do you do?

I was reading one of your books upstairs.

Oh did you like it?

Well now you know why I have to make my living as a Jewel thief.

Yeah not just a Jewel thief, I might add.

I think it's high time you had a taste of your own medicine.

Who are you calling?

Inspector Smith.

What are you talking about?

You're not going to turn me in after... of course.

What did you expect?

That I was all weak and helpless, like the others.

Look, just because you screwed me

doesn't alter the fact that you just tried to burgle me.

- Bloody hell! - And if you don't

want to be permanently damaged, you'd better shut up.

Hello Robert?

Yes, it's me.

I'm fine.

He's right here.

Yes, right beside me.

Do you want a word with him?

Right.

No I told you I'm fine.

See you in a bit.

Oh, by the way, there's no need to hurry.

I've got him under control.

I estimate that should give us just enough time.

But you better make it a good one,

because it's going to be the last you'll get for a while.

You know Judy, you really are quite a girl.

There's plenty to be said in your favour as well.

God knows how long they'll put me away for

but when I get out

how about teaming up with me?

I mean just think,

with my skill, your contacts

we could make a fortune.

We'd certainly make a pretty formidable team, I must admit.

I've got a crummy boss anyway.

Grant Henry: How about it, then?

Is it a deal?

I'd even be willing to offer marriage if you were willing.

And I can assure you, you're the first girl I've ever said that to.

All right, you're on.

I told him not to hurry, too.

I'm going to want to see you again but...

About six months, I should imagine.

Well, I don't suppose any of your other victims will dare

give evidence against you so, that leaves just me.

And what can they convict you of other than simple house break-in?

What do you mean?

Well, you haven't stolen anything.

Nobody can prove you're the Jewel thief

without evidence or witnesses.

And by the time I've said my little piece in court,

I should think they'll let you off with a small fine.

Imagine it.

Grant Henry, the Jewel thief.

Well, you certainly got yourself a story there, haven't you guy?

Indeed I have, inspector.

Listen, I think I'll just whip upstairs and dismantle the equipment,

you know the speakers and things.

Oh leave that for a couple of my men to do

saves bothering you.

Oh no, it's no bother, no bother at all.

Of course, they'll still have to prove he's the Jewel thief, won't they?

I mean, it won't be so easy.

Well, that's somebody else's problem.

At least we brought him in

and as far as I'm concerned, that's all there is to it.

Whatever happens next, I don't care.

Looks like everything turned out rather well, then.

There's just one question of um

us, j-Judy.

Sergeant plinth.

Uh, could you um?

Yes sir, did you want something?

Just make sure everything's all right outside.

- Judy. - Yes Robert?

Judy, I find you very attractive, you know that?

Thank you, Robert.

As for the way you captured the thief, well

I think you're just wonderful and uh...

I wondered if it'd be asking too much

if I were to ask you if you wouldn't mind if I asked you

to marry me?

Of course not.

I'm-I'm sorry I didn't quite get that

um, what you said.

I said, of course not.

And I'm sorry I still, um...

Am not quite sure whether you...

I'm not actually sure whether you mean,

yes uh, or no?

I mean, of course I don't mind you asking me to marry you

and I'd love to accept,

but I've just recently got myself engaged to someone else, actually.

Very recently, in fact.

Everything's fine out there sir.

Right well we'll be on our way then.

Uh if you should, you know change your mind or

if he should change his mind, you know,

whoever he is, then, you know, perhaps you'll give me a call.

I'll just go and give guy a hand upstairs sir.

Can't wait to see what he's like.

I mean, he must have been bloody good to keep all those women quiet.

Never mind that.

Just think of the money we're going to get flogging the prints.

I hope they kept the light on while they were at it.