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1
00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:04,838
I just want to be clear that
I am here as a last resort.
2
00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:06,374
I understand.
3
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:09,377
I don't have a lot of faith
in psychiatry as a science.
4
00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:13,281
I think some of the drugs you're
pushing are interesting...
5
00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:19,520
and I'm all for messing around
with brain chemistry.
6
00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:21,622
I mean, that's how
I got through high school.
7
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:24,725
But in my experience,
8
00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:28,129
popping pills doesn't relieve
social anxiety
9
00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:32,166
quite as well as, say,
bourbon and Marvin Gaye.
10
00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:33,334
Now I get it.
11
00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:36,537
You're desperate
and I'm full of hooey.
12
00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:40,608
So in the words
of Marvin Gaye...
13
00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:42,276
"What's goin' on?"
14
00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:45,045
Everything I say
is confidential, right?
15
00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:47,748
Whatever you say,
stays in this room.
16
00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:49,350
Kind of like Vegas.
17
00:00:49,417 --> 00:00:51,985
Well, except there's no way
you're leaving here
18
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:55,423
with more money
than when you came in.
19
00:00:56,357 --> 00:00:58,559
Yeah, like Vegas.
20
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:00,628
Anyway...
21
00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:04,265
last night I'm out with
my stupid, lame-ass brother...
22
00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:07,901
Sounds like you've got
some anger towards him.
23
00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:10,104
Oh, you're good.
24
00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:13,874
This is nice...
25
00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:15,843
you and me spending
time together.
26
00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:17,778
Why don't we
do this more often?
27
00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:19,413
I don't have an answer.
28
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:20,414
Me neither.
29
00:01:20,481 --> 00:01:22,683
So how long till
the movie starts?
30
00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:24,652
About 20 minutes.
31
00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:25,486
Yeah, sure.
32
00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:27,955
20 minutes, not counting
previews and ads,
33
00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:30,691
the popcorn and the giant
pretzel holding hands,
34
00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:33,093
the big soda
drinking the little soda,
35
00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:34,362
which frankly is cannibalism,
36
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,330
and the always welcome reminder
37
00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:38,299
to turn off your cell phones
and shut up,
38
00:01:38,366 --> 00:01:40,301
but nobody ever does
because, let's face it,
39
00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:42,203
good manners are
just the latest casualty
40
00:01:42,270 --> 00:01:45,005
in the ongoing collapse
of Western civilization.
41
00:01:45,072 --> 00:01:47,375
I now have an answer.
42
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:50,978
I miss Jake.
43
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:52,346
How can you miss him?
44
00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:54,882
We just dropped him off
at his friend's house.
45
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,518
By the way, if you ever
get tired of those magazines
46
00:01:57,585 --> 00:02:00,921
under your bed, the kid's mom
looked fairly do-able.
47
00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:03,357
Forget the mom.
Did you see how happy Jake was
48
00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:05,092
to be spending the weekend
away from me?
49
00:02:05,159 --> 00:02:06,394
Why would you think that?
50
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:08,061
Just because he jumped
out of the car
51
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,397
while it was still moving?
52
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,565
Come on, Alan, he was happy
to see his friends.
53
00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:14,735
Being away from you
is just gravy.
54
00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:15,936
I know. I know.
55
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:18,306
It's natural for him
to want to spend more time
56
00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:19,407
with his peers than his parents.
57
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:23,944
But all the same, it's sad.
58
00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:24,945
Yeah.
59
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:27,948
Sunrise, sunset.
60
00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:30,351
One day, you're holding
a little baby in your arms,
61
00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:32,753
and the next day,
he's off hocking loogies
62
00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:36,857
and lighting farts with a bunch
of Ritalin-addled sixth graders.
63
00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:39,927
Why do I bother trying to share
my feelings with you?
64
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:40,628
I don't know.
65
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:42,596
It's not like I encourage it.
66
00:02:43,231 --> 00:02:44,365
Oh, come on.
67
00:02:44,432 --> 00:02:46,367
So your kid doesn't need
you like he used to.
68
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:47,801
That's a good thing.
69
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:50,137
You can spend your weekends
enjoying yourself.
70
00:02:50,204 --> 00:02:51,939
That's true.
71
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:55,343
And there's things I want to do
that I haven't had time for.
72
00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:57,411
Like that kid's mom.
73
00:02:57,478 --> 00:03:00,414
No, no, I mean like reading--
74
00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:02,350
finally cracking open
the classics.
75
00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:04,252
Alan, if you want
to crack something open,
76
00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:06,186
I recommend that kid's mom.
77
00:03:06,254 --> 00:03:08,589
No, no, I'm serious.
78
00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:11,259
For years, I have been
wishing that I had time
79
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:15,028
to read all the great books.
80
00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:16,397
Dostoyevsky,
81
00:03:16,464 --> 00:03:22,636
and Hemingway, Faulkner,
and Dickens, and Shakespeare
82
00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:23,571
and history!
83
00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:26,807
History: U.S. history,
world history,
84
00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,542
the history of language.
85
00:03:28,609 --> 00:03:31,512
I mean, why doesn't anyone
speak Sumerian anymore?
86
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,983
I don't know because
I haven't read the book!
87
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:38,051
And, oh, oh...
88
00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:38,686
poetry, poetry!
89
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:41,322
Byron, and Keats, and Shelley!
90
00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:43,957
And biographies! Oh!
91
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:48,896
Julius Caesar, and Abraham
Lincoln, and, oh, Groucho Marx!
92
00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:50,264
I mean, look at them all!
93
00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:53,000
Look at them!
They're mocking me!
94
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,368
I haven't read any of them!
95
00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:57,638
Okay, well,
just pick one for now.
96
00:03:57,705 --> 00:03:58,372
Why bother?!
97
00:03:58,439 --> 00:03:59,607
There's not enough time!
98
00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:02,443
There's too many books
and not enough time!
99
00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:03,644
Maybe you just need a system.
100
00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:05,813
You know, put a book
next to the toilet,
101
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,981
and every couple days,
you knock out a couple chapters.
102
00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:10,484
No, no! It's too late for me!
103
00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:13,454
There's not enough
bowel movements left!
104
00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:19,226
Maybe you need
to change your diet.
105
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,494
No, it's hopeless!
106
00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:22,830
Jake will be grown up soon
and I'll be dead.
107
00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:24,798
And you know what
I'll have left behind?
108
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:28,769
A life of unfulfilled dreams,
a shelf of unread books,
109
00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:33,006
and three unopened seasons
of Six Feet Under on DVD.
110
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:36,910
So what are you doing tonight?
111
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:40,948
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
112
00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:43,984
* Ah
* Men *
113
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,253
All right.
114
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:47,688
So your brother
had a panic attack
115
00:04:47,755 --> 00:04:49,523
in the middle
of a bookstore.
116
00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:51,692
How'd that make you feel?
117
00:04:51,759 --> 00:04:55,563
What the hell do my feelings
have to do with anything?
118
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:58,532
Why don't you just humor me?
119
00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:00,901
Well, I felt a little ashamed.
120
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:03,704
Because you felt that his
behavior reflected on you?
121
00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:06,940
No, because I left him there.
122
00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:09,009
You left him?
123
00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:11,945
Not permanently.
124
00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:14,748
I came back and got him
after he was all cried out
125
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,283
and it was time for the movie.
126
00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:17,851
So you still went to the movie?
127
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:19,853
Yeah, I bought
the tickets online.
128
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,722
They don't refund those.
129
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:31,732
Red Vine?
130
00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:32,933
No, thank you.
131
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,001
I am so sorry.
132
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:35,503
I don't know what came over me.
133
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:36,504
Nah.
134
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:37,971
Who among us hasn't
collapsed, weeping,
135
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:40,808
in the middle of a bookstore
for no apparent reason?
136
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:43,911
You know, I think maybe
I'd be better off at home.
137
00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:46,880
So I'm supposed
to miss the movie
138
00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:49,116
just because you had
a nervous breakdown?
139
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,918
Well, kind of.
140
00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:54,087
Don't you think that's
a little selfish, Alan?
141
00:05:54,154 --> 00:05:57,124
It's just, all of a sudden,
142
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,927
I felt crushed by this
unbelievable sense of grief,
143
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:04,297
like my entire life has been an
exercise in pathetic futility.
144
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,133
Well, I wouldn't rule it out.
145
00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:09,236
Come on, bunky, cheer up.
146
00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:10,237
Have a Red Vine.
147
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:12,039
I don't want a Red Vine.
148
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:13,073
Sno-Cap?
149
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,074
No.
150
00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:15,075
Raisinets?
151
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:15,876
No.
152
00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:17,411
Goober?
How much crap did you buy?!
153
00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:19,513
They couldn't change a hundred.
154
00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:25,252
All right, I'll have
a Junior Mint.
155
00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:27,855
I didn't get Junior Mints.
156
00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:31,158
Of course not.
157
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,693
Story of my life.
158
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:36,229
No Junior Mints for Alan...
just Goobers.
159
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:38,231
Goobers, Goobers, Goobers.
160
00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:40,100
Alan, be quiet.
161
00:06:40,167 --> 00:06:41,535
Why? Why?
162
00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:43,103
The first amendment
gives me the right
163
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:45,105
to yell "Goobers"
in a crowded theater.
164
00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:47,207
Goobers!
165
00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:48,742
Hey, look.
166
00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:51,244
Movie quiz.
Let's play the movie quiz.
I don't want
167
00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:52,279
to play the movie quiz.
168
00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:53,213
Come on, it'll be fun.
169
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:54,414
I'll bet you're good at it.
170
00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:55,583
All right, all right.
171
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,585
"Debra Winger
and Richard Gere starred
172
00:06:57,651 --> 00:06:59,319
in An Officer and a blank."
173
00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:01,154
Oh, please!
174
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:03,156
You need a hint?
175
00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:05,325
There's a hint upside
down in the corner.
176
00:07:05,392 --> 00:07:07,127
No, I don't need a hint!
177
00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:08,128
I know the answer!
178
00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:09,563
Everybody here knows the answer!
179
00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:12,165
Everybody on the planet
knows the answer!
180
00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:13,166
We're not stupid!
181
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:14,167
Chill, chill.
182
00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:16,904
Oh, wait,
here's another brain teaser.
183
00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:19,039
"Steven Spielberg directed
this modern retelling
184
00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:22,342
of the H.G. Wells classic
War of the blank."
185
00:07:22,409 --> 00:07:24,244
Uh, uh, couch!
186
00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:25,278
War of the Couch!
187
00:07:25,345 --> 00:07:26,279
Stop it.
188
00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:27,581
Oh, no, no, I got it!
189
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,349
War of the blow it out your ...!
190
00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:31,451
You know, maybe you're right.
191
00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:32,452
Maybe we should go.
192
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,021
Wait, no, I know this one.
193
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:37,424
"Johnny Depp cruised to success
in this comedy-action film
194
00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:39,459
inspired by
a Disneyland attraction."
195
00:07:39,527 --> 00:07:42,229
Pirates of the blow
it out your ...!
196
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,131
He's behind on his reading.
197
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:46,166
Oh, oh, and let's not forget
Judy Garland
198
00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:51,471
in that immortal classic The
Wizard of blow it out your ...!
199
00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:53,473
That sounds like
quite an episode.
200
00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:55,408
Is your brother
seeing a therapist?
201
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,578
How would I know?
202
00:07:57,645 --> 00:07:59,513
He's your brother.
203
00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:01,014
He lives with you.
204
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,449
So?
205
00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:05,819
All right, go ahead.
206
00:08:05,886 --> 00:08:07,220
Just because I took him in
207
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:08,656
doesn't mean I have
to listen to him.
208
00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:10,123
I understand.
209
00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:14,061
He just whines about
the same crap over and over.
210
00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:14,728
Okay.
211
00:08:14,795 --> 00:08:17,064
It's not even interesting crap.
212
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:21,501
It's the crap that bores
the crap out of crap.
213
00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:22,502
I got it.
214
00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:24,371
It's crap. Go ahead.
215
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:26,406
Thank you.
216
00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:30,844
So we're driving home and...
217
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:39,252
This seat is very comfortable.
218
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:43,090
Genuine leather, nine-way
adjustable, lumbar support...
219
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:44,858
I wish I'd spent
a few extra bucks
220
00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:47,094
and gotten the ejection package.
221
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,262
I said I was sorry.
222
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:52,165
They don't refund
those tickets, Alan.
223
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,903
I want to go see Jake.
224
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:58,071
Why? He's at a sleepover.
225
00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:01,374
I just got this feeling
that he needs me.
226
00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:03,410
Really? Some sort
of telepathic thing?
227
00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:04,411
Exactly.
228
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:06,880
I see.
229
00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:07,781
Ow!
230
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:09,449
Did you know I was
gonna do that?
231
00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:10,684
No.
232
00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:14,454
Then I wouldn't trust
your psychic powers.
233
00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:15,422
Come on.
234
00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:17,224
We can just stop by
for a few minutes.
235
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:20,794
We have time now since
we decided to skip the movie.
236
00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:23,063
Oh, we decided
that, did we?
237
00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:24,932
That's the way it went
down for you, huh?
238
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:26,867
That's how you interpret
recent events?!
239
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:28,736
Whoa, whoa, settle down.
240
00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:30,604
You're acting like
a crazy person.
241
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:31,672
Me?!
242
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:32,973
I'm acting like a crazy person?!
243
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,542
Are you freaking
kidding me?!
244
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:36,844
Listen to yourself.
245
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,647
You're getting a little
scary right now.
246
00:09:41,148 --> 00:09:44,484
Okay, fine, you want to see
the kid, we'll go see the kid.
247
00:09:44,551 --> 00:09:47,087
Thank you.
248
00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:48,722
Is that so hard?
249
00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:58,098
Charlie... the road.
250
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:04,672
Please.
251
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,409
You know, when you have kids,
252
00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:11,879
you find that there's a
deep spiritual connection.
253
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:14,314
You feel an actual tug
when your child needs you.
254
00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:15,115
( doorbell rings )
255
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:16,249
Interesting.
256
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:18,852
What do you feel
when your brother hates you?
257
00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:20,888
( kids yelling )
258
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,589
Alan. Is everything okay?
259
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:23,623
Oh, yeah, fine.
260
00:10:23,691 --> 00:10:26,093
I just need to see Jake
for a minute.
261
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:27,094
He's feeling a tug.
262
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,128
Tug?
263
00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:29,196
Or it could be gas.
264
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:31,932
We're not sure.
265
00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:33,834
Could you just call Jake?
266
00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:36,970
Jake! Your father's here!
267
00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:38,538
Put that down, Timmy!
268
00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:39,639
What?
269
00:10:39,707 --> 00:10:42,175
I just wanted to see
if you were okay.
270
00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:43,977
Oh, great.
271
00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:45,713
Now I'm dead! Thanks a lot!
272
00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:49,683
Doesn't count!
I was talking to my stupid dad!
273
00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:54,755
Well, it seems like you've
got everything under control.
274
00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:56,523
Actually, I ran out
of ice cream.
275
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:57,891
Do you think you could
276
00:10:57,958 --> 00:11:00,093
keep an eye on the kids
for a few minutes?
277
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,328
Uh...
Thanks a million.
278
00:11:01,394 --> 00:11:03,296
I'll be right back.
279
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:04,297
( car door slams )
280
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:05,298
( engine starts )
281
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:08,301
( tires screech )
282
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:17,344
She ain't coming back.
283
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:18,345
CHARLIE:
Three hours
284
00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,147
she was gone.
285
00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:22,615
And when she finally came back,
286
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:26,019
she was reeking
of Old Spice and pot.
287
00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:26,954
I see.
288
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:29,256
And she didn't even have
any ice cream!
289
00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:33,827
All right, let's stop here
for a minute and talk in general
290
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:37,064
about your feelings
towards women.
291
00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:39,132
No, thanks.
292
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,667
Rather discuss your childhood?
293
00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:41,268
Nope.
294
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:41,701
Father?
295
00:11:41,769 --> 00:11:42,302
Dead.
296
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:42,836
Mother?
297
00:11:42,903 --> 00:11:44,437
Killed him.
298
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,273
Would you like to discuss that?
299
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:47,540
We just did.
300
00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:50,878
Charlie, I'm not sure
we're on the same page here.
301
00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:53,380
Have you ever been
in therapy before?
302
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:56,483
Does massage therapy count?
303
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:57,818
No.
304
00:11:57,885 --> 00:11:59,652
It's almost the same thing.
305
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,455
One on one with a strange woman
who charges you for an hour
306
00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:05,993
then only gives you 50 minutes.
307
00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:08,395
Why don't we just go back
to your story?
308
00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:11,398
Touch a nerve there, did I?
309
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:15,302
Okay, okay.
310
00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:18,338
Well, Jake ignored his father
the entire time we were there,
311
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:22,442
so Alan was a little upset
when we got back in the car.
312
00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:23,676
He hates me!
313
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,213
My only son hates me!
314
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:27,380
He doesn't hate you.
315
00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:29,850
He just didn't appreciate
you telling his friends
316
00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:33,453
that laser tag can
induce epileptic fits.
317
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:34,354
Well, it can.
318
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:35,555
Be that as it may,
319
00:12:35,622 --> 00:12:37,290
you probably could've gotten
your point across
320
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,859
without flopping
around on the floor,
321
00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:40,127
rolling your eyes up
322
00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:41,962
and pretending
to swallow your tongue.
323
00:12:42,029 --> 00:12:45,365
Hey, hey, a-a picture
is worth a thousand...
324
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:49,202
Charlie, stop the car.
325
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:50,270
Why?
326
00:12:50,337 --> 00:12:52,272
I have to get out.
I... I'm feeling claustrophobic.
327
00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:54,574
There's no
place to stop.
We have to stop!
328
00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:56,576
Where?
329
00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:57,644
I-I can't breathe!
330
00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:59,079
I can't breathe.
I-I have to get out.
331
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:00,914
Okay...
I have to get out
now, now, now, now!
332
00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:02,715
Okay, hold
on, hold on.
333
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:05,152
( groans )
334
00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:06,053
Oh!
335
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:07,620
The seat belt won't come off.
336
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:09,122
Just push the button.
337
00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:11,058
I can't, I can't.
It won't come off. Help me!
338
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,526
Okay, okay, move
your hands.
339
00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:15,929
( loud panting )
340
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,632
Okay.
341
00:13:19,699 --> 00:13:21,134
It's passing.
342
00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:23,770
Yes, it's... Yes, I-I'm okay.
343
00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:24,804
No, you're not.
344
00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:25,472
What?
345
00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:26,506
Get out.
346
00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:26,874
What?
347
00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:28,075
Get out now!
348
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,543
Now, now,
now, now, now!
349
00:13:35,916 --> 00:13:37,784
( sighs )
350
00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:40,253
That's better.
351
00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:44,257
* Men.
352
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:51,464
He couldn't believe it, either.
353
00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:53,066
( chuckles )
354
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:57,037
You should have seen his face
in the rearview mirror.
355
00:13:57,104 --> 00:13:58,471
All right, Charlie,
we've been talking
356
00:13:58,538 --> 00:14:00,507
for quite a while,
and I got to tell you,
357
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:03,944
I still don't understand
why you came to see me.
358
00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:05,478
You in a hurry?
359
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,847
Doesn't that undermine
your whole
360
00:14:07,915 --> 00:14:10,283
pay by the hour business model?
361
00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:13,620
Go ahead.
362
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:14,854
Thank you.
363
00:14:14,922 --> 00:14:16,456
So, as I was driving away,
364
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,159
I decided
I needed a little quiet time
365
00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:22,029
for, you know,
reflection and meditation.
366
00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,205
Hey.
367
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:35,075
Hey. What took you so long?
368
00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:37,677
I was sure
you'd come back.
369
00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:42,315
Huh. I guess that's case closed
on the telepathy stuff.
370
00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:45,285
What are you drinking?
371
00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:48,155
I don't know.
Something soothing.
372
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,190
Uh, uh, Kahlua and cream?
373
00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:51,591
He's kidding.
Give him a beer.
374
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:54,027
Must you always embarrass me?
375
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:57,364
I've had a traumatic night.
376
00:14:57,430 --> 00:15:00,167
Yeah, Yeah, okay, shut
up, shut up, shut up.
377
00:15:01,969 --> 00:15:03,603
Hi.
378
00:15:03,670 --> 00:15:04,737
Hi.
379
00:15:04,804 --> 00:15:05,738
Yeah, hi.
380
00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:07,174
Can we buy you
ladies a drink?
381
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,509
No, thanks. We're
already pretty blitzed.
382
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:12,312
Boy, are we blitzed.
383
00:15:12,379 --> 00:15:13,613
Perfect.
384
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:16,716
I'm Charlie.
This is Alan.
385
00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:18,085
Amy.
Beth.
386
00:15:18,151 --> 00:15:19,386
Nice to meet you.
387
00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:20,853
How's it
going tonight?
388
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,022
Pretty good.
389
00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:23,356
We're blitzed.
390
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,525
How about you?
391
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:28,061
Yeah, how you doin'?
392
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:29,429
Oh, boy. Where to start?
393
00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:31,298
No one's
talking to you.
394
00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:33,100
What's the
matter, Alan?
395
00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:34,301
Yeah, what's the matter?
396
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:36,336
Well, you-you really want
to know?
397
00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:39,239
They don't. Trust
me, you really don't.
398
00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:41,541
Well, maybe
it's a-a late reaction
399
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:45,278
to the divorce, uh, maybe
it's my son not needing me
400
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,314
so much now
that he's growing up, but...
401
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:49,249
But I think... I think
it's more than that.
402
00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:52,952
I-I...I think it's just life
grinding me down, and I just...
403
00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:56,089
( teary ):
I don't think I can
take it anymore.
404
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:58,091
Oh, you poor baby.
405
00:15:58,158 --> 00:15:59,659
Poor, poor baby.
406
00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:03,396
Tell us all about it.
407
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,332
Well, I was never a happy child.
408
00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:08,235
I was a
miserable kid.
409
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:10,370
And-And-And the only thing
410
00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:12,805
that gave my life meaning
was my son.
411
00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:15,242
At least
you've got a son.
412
00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:18,445
I've got nothing except...
413
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,713
epilepsy.
414
00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:24,151
Oh, no.
Really?
Oh, no.
415
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:35,128
CHARLIE:
So anyway, there I was
on the wedding day
416
00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:37,864
in front of the priest
and all our friends,
417
00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:41,434
flopping around on the altar
like an epileptic trout,
418
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:44,271
when I heard
her father say,
419
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,606
"You can't marry this man.
420
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,208
He's damaged goods."
421
00:16:48,275 --> 00:16:50,577
Oh, gee.
Yeah.
422
00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:52,412
Oh, gee.
423
00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:54,847
That's when I realized that
all the money in the world--
424
00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:57,417
and I do have a lot--
425
00:16:57,484 --> 00:17:02,289
can't replace that special tug
you feel...
426
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:05,658
when someone loves you
unconditionally.
427
00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:06,659
Oh!
428
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:07,827
Oh!
429
00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:09,162
Look, that's the ocean.
430
00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:10,363
Ooh, the ocean.
431
00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:11,598
Let's go skinny dipping.
Yeah, skinny
dipping.
432
00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:13,533
You want to come?
Yeah, come with us.
433
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,736
I'd love to, but I'm too sad,
434
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,738
and I might swallow my tongue.
435
00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:20,073
You two go.
436
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:22,809
Swim, splash, frolic,
437
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,777
enjoy the healthy bodies.
438
00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:26,846
Okay.
Bye.
439
00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:27,747
( giggling )
440
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,749
Have you no shame?
441
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:30,850
Let me think.
442
00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:32,752
Nope. Just a tug.
443
00:17:32,819 --> 00:17:33,753
Now that's another thing.
444
00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:34,687
My angst is real.
445
00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:36,256
I-I do not appreciate
you taking my tug
446
00:17:36,323 --> 00:17:38,024
and using it
to get in someone's pants.
447
00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:41,428
News flash, Alan--
they're already out
of their pants.
448
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:44,030
And they're gonna
come back cold, wet,
449
00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:45,698
and in desperate
need of body beat.
450
00:17:45,765 --> 00:17:47,800
Which means for those of us
with normal skin temperature,
451
00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:50,069
it'll be a seller's market.
452
00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:51,771
You're unbelievable.
453
00:17:51,838 --> 00:17:52,705
No, I just think ahead.
454
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:53,773
They're only gonna last
455
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,575
about two seconds in that water,
so we have to hurry.
456
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,644
I'll get the wine,
you light some candles,
457
00:17:57,710 --> 00:18:01,080
get a little ambiance going.
I'm sorry, I'm really not
in the mood.
458
00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:03,716
Are you saying
that I have to get
you liquored up
459
00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:05,352
so I can get laid?
460
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:08,921
All right, I'll go along,
but only as a favor to you.
461
00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:10,557
Thank you.
462
00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:12,892
I'm probably gonna have
to apply the condom
463
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:13,793
and get a rope and pulley
464
00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:16,429
to lower one of
those broads onto him.
465
00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:21,901
Since you're making me do this,
I get Amy.
466
00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:23,703
The hell you do!
467
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:24,804
Which one's Amy?
468
00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:28,341
Amy's the one who overcame
the eating disorder.
469
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:31,043
Starving herself
or throwing up?
470
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:34,046
Does it make a difference?
471
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,882
It does if you're paying
for dinner.
472
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:36,983
Amy is the brunette.
473
00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:39,018
Got it. So I have Jennifer.
474
00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:40,887
You mean Beth.
475
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,489
Right, right,
"B" for blonde.
476
00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:45,124
"B" can also be
for brunette.
477
00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:46,426
But Amy's the brunette.
478
00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:49,128
So you could do "A"
for anorexic.
479
00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:51,798
Unless it's "B"
for bulimic.
480
00:18:51,864 --> 00:18:52,999
Good point.
481
00:18:53,065 --> 00:18:55,067
We're gonna need a new system.
482
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,437
Do you smell
something?
483
00:18:57,504 --> 00:18:59,872
( sniffs ):
Yeah, what is that?
484
00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:09,416
I think you do these things
just to piss me off.
485
00:19:12,185 --> 00:19:13,720
Oh my God, what happened?
486
00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:15,722
Well, while I was trying
to put it out,
487
00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:18,157
my brother stupidly
called the fire department.
488
00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:19,559
Why was that stupid?
489
00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:23,062
Have you seen
a Malibu fireman recently?
490
00:19:23,129 --> 00:19:26,165
They're all young,
buff surfer dudes
491
00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,201
whippin' their big hoses around.
492
00:19:29,602 --> 00:19:31,371
Amy and Beth jumped
on their hook and ladder
493
00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:33,105
like a couple of Dalmatians.
494
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,642
I never saw 'em again.
495
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:37,910
Ah yes, the Malibu
fire department.
496
00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:38,945
I have several patients
497
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:42,181
who compulsively masturbate
to their calendar.
498
00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:43,216
No kidding.
499
00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:46,253
Both sexes.
500
00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:47,887
So anyway, Charlie,
I'm still not clear
501
00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:49,989
on what it is you would like me
to help you with.
502
00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:53,293
Uh, your anger issues,
your sexual issues,
503
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,361
your drinking.
504
00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:57,297
No, no, no, no, that's all cool.
505
00:19:57,364 --> 00:20:00,733
Then tell me, why are you here?
506
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:05,004
Okay. Well, I'm here to lay
some groundwork for the future.
507
00:20:05,071 --> 00:20:06,506
Some groundwork?
508
00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:09,342
Yeah. I've come to realize
that there's a very good chance
509
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:13,280
that I might some day snap
and kill my brother.
510
00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:18,385
And I figure, if I'm already
under a psychiatrist's care,
511
00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:22,088
then I can always cop
an insanity plea.
512
00:20:22,154 --> 00:20:25,492
You're thinking
of killing your brother?
513
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,494
Shh!
514
00:20:28,495 --> 00:20:32,231
Doctor-patient confidentiality.
515
00:20:34,301 --> 00:20:36,969
* Men.
516
00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:41,874
Check in the drawer
by the coffee machine.
517
00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:43,943
Hey, what do you think of
this for the new drapes?
518
00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:47,814
Too small.
519
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,483
I don't know.
I think it's
kind of cheerful.
520
00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:52,752
I'll put it in
the maybe pile.
521
00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:55,522
You do that.
522
00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:57,390
You know, we're
also gonna have
523
00:20:57,457 --> 00:20:59,292
to reupholster
the couch.
524
00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:00,393
You think?
525
00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:01,861
Well, there was a lot
of water damage,
526
00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:03,496
which, quite frankly,
I think was the result
527
00:21:03,563 --> 00:21:05,765
of the firemen showing
off for the girls.
528
00:21:05,832 --> 00:21:08,134
You could be right.
529
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,969
You know,
530
00:21:10,036 --> 00:21:12,639
I-I just want to tell you,
I-I really appreciate
531
00:21:12,705 --> 00:21:14,641
you stickin' by me
in the past couple of days,
532
00:21:14,707 --> 00:21:16,576
you know, pulling me out
of my funk.
533
00:21:16,643 --> 00:21:19,412
You really are a great brother.
534
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:22,415
I don't know
what I'd do without you.
535
00:21:22,482 --> 00:21:25,418
I don't know what I'd
do without you, either.
536
00:21:28,488 --> 00:21:31,991
But, golly, it's sure fun
to think about.
37082
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