All language subtitles for The.Con.Is.On.2018.1080p.BluRay.x264-[YTS.AM]

What the fuck you doing here?

Where's Irina?

She sent me instead.

Let's look at the package.

Give this to Irina and don't fuck it up.

At that fucking time, where do you live
then?

The church.

Hello, darling. Hello, darling.

Howdy, guys.

I see it went well.

Arena movie, please.

Very. Just a tiny one.

Maybe I'll borrow this cash.

Arena won't miss a grand or two.

May I?

What's your name, sexy?

Fuck off.

All right, mate.

All right, mate.

Oi, Ari.

Have we landed?

No, we haven't fucking landed.

I've been accosted by a tanning booth.

This flight's a fucking nightmare.

I've been abused, and I've paid for the
privilege.

Why do we have to go to Los Angeles?

It's the safest place we could possibly
be. I mean, she'll be looking for us in

every hotel bar in London. Oh, she'll
hunt us down.

She'll find us.

She'll torture us.

Me first.

She's never liked me for some reason.

Here, take this. You'll feel much
better.

What was it?

I don't know.

Xenon, possibly.

Los

Angeles

is horrible.

It's like a theme park.

Built on a fault line.

No, no, no, no.

No, right.

Bye, love.

Hiya, who was that then?

Now, darling, don't get upset.

It was Sidney, wasn't it? I might have
known.

He's an old friend.

He's an evil old pederast.

If we're going to see Sidney, I need a
fucking drink. I'm going to dry the

schoolgirl's knickers.

Once again, I've been asked to
prostitute myself for the sake of a

venture. All I'm asking is that you take
one for the team, all right?

It's your own fault for being so bloody
beautiful.

Here, take this.

I already took one. Take another one.
I'll take one of these.

Go in peace, my child.

Well, well, let me drink you in. Please
do.

My dear, dear Harry.

And my own boy.

Oh, my.

Haven't we been filling out, hmm?

When I think back to how scrawny you
were when we first met, like a little

a fledgling.

And now look at you.

Proud cock.

I do hope you've forgiven your Uncle
Sidney for that little mishap in Turkey.

I couldn't bear to think of you being
angry with me.

Of course he's forgiven you. It was only
for a few months.

I can't even imagine the horrors you
were subjected to in that sordid jail.

I want you to tell me all about it.
Every little detail.

All the ins and outs.

Sidney, we need a word.

Yes, this way, my best.

He's new.

Yes, the last one split.

You know, I don't think I've seen you
since Istanbul.

It's been an age.

What have you been doing with yourself?

Well, you know, this and that.

Import, export, a little poker.

How are you?

Oh, much the same.

Still battling this interminable ennui.

You know, life is simply insupportable
without you, Harry.

Well, I'm back.

So is he.

Staying with us long, I hope. Fuck no!

That depends.

A package has arrived.

Thank you, King Kim.

Sydney, we need some work.

And money.

Shed loads of money. So I heard.

How much do you owe Irina, in fact?

You know about her, do you?

Yes. She is making rather a fuss, you
know.

Is she? I can't imagine why.

I borrowed a little from her at poker.

Nothing, really.

You know how it is.

Where is he?

Get some drinks, love.

Drink? Yeah, give us a round of drinks.

Yeah, you want?

Yeah. Okay. Thank you.

Irina, put a price on your head.

You were aware of that, I take it?

I never knew she cared.

Oh, I think we can both agree that that
just isn't true, is it, darling?

And as for you, you're a very naughty
boy. I have a good mind to put you over

knee and give you a very sound spanking.

But as it is, I do have a small amount
of opium that needs delivering.

Really? How small?

Oh, a comfortable amount.

We'll do it for 50. 35.

40.

I'm so weak.

Because I love you, Harry.

The Google method, do you think?

Of course.

Gorgeous.

I'm not doing it.

Certainly not for 40 fucking grand.

I mean it.

I'm not doing it.

We need the money, darling.

I've had so many things stuffed up my
arse, I might as well get a boyfriend

move to San Francisco.

Don't be such a baby. It'll be over
before you know it.

Quite frankly, we have no fucking
choice.

Where is she?

I've not seen her in months.

Don't fucking lie to me.

I am not.

That bitch still owes me.

Money from a game in Hackney.

When you find her, you can tell her
that.

Yes. Maria, my angel, the Vecni. How are
you?

What do you want?

It's been such a long time, hasn't it?

I've been meaning to call you up and
have a nice little chat with you.

But where does time go?

Where do you think?

Sidney, I'm busy.

Well, this won't take long.

I understand that you're looking for a
certain person and that you're prepared

to pay a very handsome price.

Oh.

We need a hotel.

We need a better pen than drugs up my
bum.

Welcome to the Chateau Marmont.

Thank you.

Stop, stop!

Oh, my God, I am... You nearly killed
him! I am so sorry. Are you all right?

He could have killed me.

Where's the manager?

Uh, this way, please. I only hope this

suite goes some way towards making up
for this unfortunate accident.

It'll do.

And call the doctor.

I need some painkillers.

Right away, sir.

Send it to the personal shopper, will
you? We seem to have misplaced our

clothes. Absolutely.

Chop, chop. On you go.

Pick us a drink, darling.

We're supposed to be going on a fucking
holiday.

We've gone abroad, haven't we? That's
what you wanted.

Los Angeles is not a holiday. It's a
fucking lobotomy.

Being hunted down by Joseph's darling is
fucking relaxing. Gin and tonic?

Lovely.

What do you think?

Fucking whore.

That's not the look I was going for.

No, no, no. Not you. It's Jackie. Look.

Oh.

Looks like she's having trouble at home.

Perhaps we should pay her a visit.

No, no. Don't get distracted, darling.

You leave Jackie out of it.

You need to catch up.

Four martinis, please.

I've seen Sydney, isn't the extent of
your plan?

How the hell are we going to pay Irina
back?

Any ideas, ma 'am?

I can always get in on some games.

Are you insane?

What? My wife has a gambling problem.

Problem is, she's no bloody good.

And tell me one thing, my sweet.

What?

Why does she hate you so much?

And it's not solely because of the cash.

There's some other reason.

I want to know what it is.

Oh, you do, do you?

Yes, I do.

Let's say she had a little crush on me.

Do you mind?

This happens to be a private
conversation.

And when was this?

Oh. Years ago.

You didn't know me then.

I was in Monte Carlo doing some charity
work.

Charity work? In Monte?

Do you want to hear the story or not?

Carry on.

I was raising funds on behalf of a large
charitable organisation.

Irina was engaged in a similar activity
and we decided to fundraise together.

We made a good team, and we worked
together tirelessly.

Day and night, actually.

Raising money for the orphans.

We persuaded people to make some very
generous donations.

But sadly, she was rather difficult to
work with.

After Monte Carlo, I didn't plan on
seeing her again.

And I didn't.

Until Istanbul.

I had no idea she'd be there.

I was taken completely by surprise.

Well, you didn't seem too upset to see
her.

Not from where I was seen.

I had no clue they were setting you up.

Oi!

I went to jail for three months.

You utter tart.

She's not after you solely for the cash.

She's pursuing you with romantic intent.

I don't know. It's possible.

What's the difference anyway?

Well, I'll tell you. My sweet.

It's called taking one for the team.

Remember?

Well, it's your turn now.

No, no.

It's not possible.

Then why not?

I couldn't guarantee your safety.

She can't bear that I married you.

She wants you dead.

Eh?

Well, that's why we've got to pay her
back and stay the fuck away from her.

Forty fucking grand ain't going to get
as far, is it? If it starts.

If they drop in the ocean.

Oh, yeah.

What, what, what?

Time to visit that bitch you married.

You do realize I still owe her for
bailing me out of that jail you landed

Not to mention a ten grand I borrowed
last time I saw her.

She won't remember that.

I mean, this time it could be an
emergency.

You could need a new kidney.

How much do those go for?

Maybe it's heart surgery or a brain
tumour.

Well, there she is. The whore of
Basildon.

Jackie fucking Arlo.

When I married her, she was Tiffany
Wheeler from Essex.

Actress, stroke chatroom whore. You were
an idiot to marry her in the first

place. I was off my tits.

It's the longest three days of my life.

Eventually... She abandoned me in some
nightmare called Tenerife.

Darling, I'm going to get my nails done.

Is that the husband?

Fucking weirdo film director.

Successful. Very.

Hans, there's dog poo everywhere and I
don't want the gardener to have to clean

it up.

Can you do it?

One, two, three.

Oh dear, bless.

We need to call her, arrange a meeting,
lunch, dinner, get us invited to the

house. Ah, don't you mean me?

She fucking hates you.

What? She's never even met me.

Fine, you call her.

Well, the last time I called her, she
threatened to find the police.

All right, all right. Maybe it's better
if we bump into her casually.

Rubble. White.

Rubble.

White. Rubble.

White.

Fuck it.

Fuck it.

Fuck it.

Fuck it. Why don't you watch where
you're fucking going, you... Hi,

Peter!

Peter! Oh, my God, I've missed you.

Sorry about that.

Oh, don't worry about that. That's just
a scratch.

I mean, it must be fate or destiny or...
Yeah, something like that, yeah.

Oh, yeah, sorry, come by.

We had a wreck.

So, what are you doing in L .A.? Oh, you
know, hiding out from gangsters and

that.

Are you alone?

Oh, yes, quite alone.

Where's that crook you married?

Oh, you mean Harry?

Well, we're, you know... She's left you
again.

Well, thank God for that. Let's hope
it's for good this time. Now, listen.

Peter.

You should come by the house tomorrow.

You and I really need to talk.

Oh, yes.

It's new.

Do you like it?

It's, um... It's beautiful, Tiffany.

Gabriel bought it for me.

Atonement for his sins.

He must have been very bad.

Yeah.

He was.

He was very, very bad.

Oh.

It's just a ring.

Didn't need it.

Wouldn't miss it.

Didn't even seem to like it.

How much do you think it's worth?

A little fortune, I should imagine.

Certainly enough to pay off Rina.

You deserve this, darling.

What is?

Alimony.

Compensation for being married to her.

Oh. It's true.

Yeah. True. It is.

Too bloody right.

Hello there. I'm Sandy. I'll be taking
care of you guys this evening.

How are you doing?

Well, a few seconds ago I was fine, but
now I'm feeling rather depressed.

That's awesome.

So, our philosophy is this.

We're a farm -to -table restaurant.

It's all small plates, and we like to
share.

Well, we don't.

So... Two very dry vodka martinis with a
twist, please.

God, I love you.

You're a bloody genius, you are.

Near to you, my little thief.

Hey, Sandy!

Sandy!

Where's our fucking martinis?

Now, when you're in the house, make an
excuse to leave her.

Do a little reconnaissance.

Figure out where the bedrooms are, find
the exit, that sort of thing.

All right, all right. So you get in
there, you get the ring, you get the

out of here, pay Irina back and Bob's
your uncle, get it? Got it.

Good.

Well, give us a kiss for good luck.

You don't need luck.

I have complete confidence in you.

Now, don't fuck it up.

Right.

Looking for Jackie?

Surprise,

surprise. Look who's back.

Let me guess.

Broke. No credit.

Bailiff's at the door.

Abandoned by your criminal wife in some
foreign jail.

Stop me when I'm getting warm.

Unstable.

Medication's not working.

Mine is.

Now.

Where's Jackie?

You looking for Jackie?

You looking for Jackie?

You following crumbs, crumpet?

Where's Jackie?

Where's Jackie?

Jackie?

Jackie!

Jackie!

Jackie!

She's downstairs.

All right.

Peter Fox?

Very nice.

Very nice indeed.

Who are you?

I'm Jackie's assistant.

I'm Hans.

I will fuck you.

I seriously fucking doubt it, mate.

Yeah, yeah, it would happen.

Nine -nine, you won't, mate.

Yeah, yeah, it's real, I said.

Nine.

Well, we can't have the fireworks on the
front lawn because we can't have

everyone trudge across the grass to see
them. What about their shoes?

Yeah, but we talked about... Well, don't
contradict me. I don't think you quite

understand what's going on here and I do
slightly feel I'm going to have to do

it all myself.

Oi, oi.

Piece of fuck.

There you are.

You came.

I brought you here today because I
wanted to tell you something. Can we be

quiet, please, everybody?

Shh. Thank you.

I've decided to forgive you.

For everything.

Oh.

Right.

Surely good.

Garmuk wants me to forgive everybody
who's wronged me.

So you're forgiven.

This way.

The fuck's a gamook?

See, I want to hear everything.

How have you been?

And what are you doing in L .A.? How
long are you here for, and why haven't

called? Om. Oh, yes, om. Thank you,
gamook. Gamook could help you, too,

possibly.

See, I'm throwing a costume ball for
Gabriel's movie, which you must come to.

Yeah, Gabriel has been nominated for an
actual award for Naran LaRouche.

He gives a fuck.

I need a drink.

They're right over there. Nothing for
me, thanks. I'm on a juice cleanse.

Go on.

God is a communist.

I'm not a communist.

Although some people might say I am a
god.

Oh, this is that ring that I was telling
you about. It's cost many

millions of dollars. I got it at a
launch.

How many millions exactly?

5 .675.

Well, you can see the way it... Darling,
Peter's here. Say hello to Peter.

Oh.

He came into the safe room.

He was looking for me.

How much is this guy going to cost me
this time? Darling, Kamuk wants us to be

nice.

He wants us to forgive.

Remember? I know it doesn't look like we
are working

right now, but we are working right now,
and you are needed.

I'm set.

I can't believe you're set.

You mean you can't be late for Vivian?

Vivian, Vivian, Vivian.

And that is how you make a bull shot.

Thank you very much.

Two more, please.

The problem with attending a party is
that we have to attend a party.

Friends are going to be horrible.

You still haven't told me how you expect
to get away with it.

You could switch it.

Switch it?

Switch the real ring with the fake one.

You just need to spike a drink.

Is that the best you got, is it? Knock
her out and nick it?

You think it could work?

It has to.

Without that ring, we're fucked 400 ,000
times.

And I promise you, we will bleed.

Shikorowagi. More!

Shibarnoseki.

Shikorowashibe.

I want to get a decent cup of tea in
this company.

Never mind tea, I need a drink.

Where the fuck is that old bitch?

She said it was ready. She did, didn't
she?

Ah, cheers to you, Wendy.

That came double.

Oi,

you're welcome.

That's a bit previous, wasn't it? That's
the last of our cash.

I'm going to do it tonight at the party.

Go on.

The fuck am I going to wear?

We spike Jackie's drink.

Yes.

We do the switch.

Yes.

An hour later, we're on the plane. Yes.

No, wait.

Jackie does not react at all well to
drugs. I do not agree with her at all.

I can imagine.

No, you can't imagine.

She's banned for life from British
Airways.

It's not even allowed in Canada.

If it is not, it's beyond the
recommended.

I can handle her.

Congratulations on your nomination. I
hear you're the frontrunner.

I'm so glad you're here.

Fuck me.

I can't. Why not? I want you. Because
Jackie's right inside.

Fuck the fucking Harry. Yeah, but
there's photography everywhere.

It's a private party, man.

I was hired.

I took

Singapore Airlines first class from

London, much better than Virgin.

I took Air France first, and they had a
chef.

Well, I got a massage on Virgin. It
still doesn't compare to Singapore.

Those terrorists, they've ruined
everything.

I've never seen so many ugly people in
my life.

Have any of these people ever even seen
a fashion magazine before?

Mentally, I'm giving everyone a
makeover.

Bitch, Jackie.

It's a revolting slut.

Never blind a stylist.

She needs a psychiatrist.

You're saying that my films are
completely self -referential.

Because you are a genius.

You're the finest actress of your
generation.

I know.

I'm excited you guys are making a movie
together. How did the shoot go today?

It was a very difficult scene, but...

I was magnificent.

You were magnificent.

Leave.

Bitch.

These fucking people. Makes me want to
go on a three -day smack binge in a

brothel in Bangladesh.

Darling, you're just too old -fashioned.
That's your problem.

I'm a fucking dying breed, I am. Here,
give this to Jackie.

When? Now.

Yeah.

We'll drink it.

No, I'm not drinking, just sniffing.

Look at them.

You know there are rumours about them
all over town.

Who? My husband and that bad actress.
Look at her.

She's such a slag.

Two can play that game.

Going.

He's going to pause that in just a
second.

I wouldn't count on it.

I don't know, but I am on fire tonight.

You are on fire tonight.

I am like a tornado.

You're like a tornado.

I am like the 4th of July.

You're like the 4th of July.

I'm so sexy tonight. You are so sexy
tonight.

And I have such beautiful hair tonight.

You have such beautiful hair.

You're so sexy to me right now.

Fuck's sake.

Why are married men so attractive to me?

Fucking no.

Make love to me.

Fuck off.

Please.

Where is everybody?

We've had this date from the beginning.

Just close your eyes and pretend I'm
Jackie.

Fuck.

It's bound to pass that thing.

I wouldn't count on it.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot for that.

We have to be quick.

Aye, aye.

Come on.

Oh, God.

It's stuck.

Well, pull harder.

You do it. You got a knife?

Fuck me.

You have enough. Fuck me in the face.

I made a promise

to stay faithful to you, Jackie.

Jackie, don't be a pussy.

Fuck me here.

Not now, Kim Kim. I've got a Xanax in my
throat.

I heard something.

Downstairs.

Hello,

Sidney. My dear Irina.

I do have a doorbell, you know.

One might almost suspect that you didn't
trust me.

Why didn't you tell me which flights you
were on? I could have sent Kim Kim here

to come and collect you.

Did you have a good crossing?

Where is Hattie?

All in good time.

That information comes at a price.

Very nice.

You came prepared.

I will not ask again.

Well, if you mean her exact geographical
whereabouts, I haven't been able to

ascertain precisely... You lost her?

It's not my fault.

I set Kim Kim here on the task of
following... No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Please.

Irina, my dear.

Oh, still, so impatient.

If you'll just let me finish.

I have been leering her with the promise
of a job.

So,

if we can just calm down, then perhaps
get a good night's sleep,

and tomorrow we can drive all round town
and discover which hotel she's staying

at. I promise you we'll find her.

Okay. Good.

If not, I will slit you open like the
pig you are.

Oh, you are wonderful.

The charm of this little escapade is
rapidly wearing thin.

Why don't we just leave?

And go where?

I don't know.

This is a fucking fiasco.

What's the matter with you, huh?

You need a joint.

We need a joint.

You said we weren't going to do this
sort of thing anymore.

What sort of thing?

This sort of thing.

We've no choice.

Oh, don't we?

Wasn't me that lost hundreds of
thousands of pounds?

It's not my ex -girlfriend stalking us.

It's not my fault.

No. Never is.

You reap what you sow, darling, and you
don't fuck off.

Oh, well.

Good night.

And fuck off to you.

Fucking hell.

How did you get in here? I snuck in with
the chambermaid.

We need to talk. Can you get up?

Here. What is it?

It's breakfast.

Oh, God, Peter.

That's disgusting. That is fucking
disgusting. Did you see them?

Who?

Gabriel and Vivian. I woke up this
morning and I found this in my bed. It's

hers. He's fucking her and he's fucking
her in my bed.

No, I don't think so, mate.

No.

Pete,

babe.

Please come back to the house because
he's threatened by you.

And he knows that you never got over me.

And I could tell...

by the way that you looked at me last
night, that you still want me.

So... you can have me.

No, thanks.

Listen, fuck it, Peter.

I need you to come back to the house. I
need you to come and stay, OK? I really

need you.

Ashley.

Tiffany. Tiffany.

I can think of no one else I'd rather be
in the company of.

Right now.

I need laughs, you know?

With people who understand me.

Come on.

And I need to fucking relax!

So I think we should start at the four
seasons and work our way down.

Shouldn't take too long.

There's only a handful of habitable
hotels in the town.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh,

Cedric. How nice to hear from you. How
are you?

Have you healed up?

Good. So... Really?

Oh, really?

Oh, now, that's very interesting. That's
very interesting indeed. Thank you,

Cedric. I owe you.

Bingo. The Chateau Marmont, Kim Kim.

Shouldn't be too long and you'll be with
her.

Just be a moment.

Good afternoon, madam.

May I have a word about some of the
charges you've been placing on the room?

I'm afraid we're going to need some form
of payment very soon.

I'll be right down, my God.

Thank you.

Watch the exit.

Naturally.

He's a stubborn little shit. I'm so
sorry.

Hello, sweetheart.

Buying is five grand.

Where

did

she go?

Who?

Who do you fucking think?

When all this goes to plan, and I intend
that it should, I'm going to take you

to Disneyland.

I think you're going to have a wonderful
time.

I said make it happen, and you did it!

You didn't make it happen.

I've been working so hard for you.

I'm so tired.

I'm exhausted from all this.

Gina.

I'm not stable.

I'm not stable.

I want to douse myself in lighter fluid.

Gina, now is not the right time for
that.

What am I to you?

You make love to her and then you make
love to me.

I have sex with you.

I have sex with her. I'm making a film.
You are my assistant.

I don't care.

Make love to me on the bar.

Like we used to.

David!

We need to talk about last night.

What was Vivian's slutty hallmark doing
in our bed?

I have no idea what you're talking
about.

Oh, you've forgotten about this, have
you? You've forgotten about the five

million dollar ring and everything you
said.

Well, what about if I just throw it in
the toilet?

Should I just throw the ring in the
toilet? Should I? Should I just throw it

away? Fuck the ring.

I don't have time for that.

I am an important person. I have
important decisions I have to make every

day because I'm making a film.

I'm making a film.

I am making a film.

Boring.

I've got to go to sleep.

Not with Conchita, you're not.

Give me the dog.

No. Give me the dog.

The dog was coming today. Let go.

Let the fuck go.

I need a drink.

Where's the vodka?

You can't be here.

Irina's here.

In L .A.

Eh?

Juanita?

Juanita! Oh, hi.

Did I miss the dog whisperer over here?

Who?

Oh, voicemail. Gina, it's me, and the
dog whisperer didn't show up. Can you

please call?

Oh, there you are. Oh, you're here.

How funny. I thought you'd be a man.

No, I'm not a man.

How's your Spanish?

All right, I suppose.

Well, I hope it's good enough for you to
communicate with her.

With her?

Well, I don't know how good her English
is. You know, we had her flown in.

Oh,

I see.

Which I suppose... Rose might be part of
the problem, you know, that she doesn't

understand me.

How do you do it?

Communicate, I mean, with them.

What is it exactly you want me to say to
her?

Tell her I clean up after her morning,
noon and night, and I want some respect.

I mean, she's lazy, she's disagreeable,
she's spoiled.

Think of her pissing and shitting all
over the place.

That's the door, Peter.

What? Dog whisperer?

I've already got one, mate.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Peter, you won't believe
what Juanita just did.

That was incredible.

Thank God that the dog whisperer was
here as a witness.

I prefer pet communicator.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Buenos dias.

Y tu problema?

Si.

Si.

Si.

Etiendo.

Well, what's she saying?

I'm sorry. She has a lot of resentment.

It's hard to keep track.

Well, tell her that I have a few
complaints of my own.

Firstly... Si.

Si.

Si.

Si. Si.

She says she's disappointed.

This is not what she was led to expect.

Well, that's quite ungrateful of her.

I mean, does she have any idea how
privileged she actually is, and to be

by a celebrity?

She said she's never heard of you.

That little bitch.

And I suppose she's never heard of
Gabriel either.

She doesn't think he's very talented.

Rather mediocre, in fact.

Peter, shut the fuck up.

She's saying...

You got off on the wrong foot.

She thinks you're depressed.

She says she sees you crying sometimes
and it makes her very, very sad.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I mean, I had no idea that she was so
insightful.

She's trying to tell me something.

Something about some new piece of
jewellery.

No, no, no, it must be my ring. It's my
ring. It's my ring. Does she like it?

She's saying that Lex is jealous of the
ring.

She's saying that you wear it too much,
and I think she'd like to borrow it.

What do you take me for?

Dogs don't wear rings.

I'm not an idiot.

Do you know what I think?

I think that she's having you on.

She's a little mink.

Do you promise me you'll stay?

It's how I work.

I move in, get to know the dog, work
with the

family.

It's a holistic thing.

A whole lot of healing.

Who the hell are you? What do you mean?
It's the dog whisperer. Pet

communicator. When I called and made the
appointment, the person on the other

end of the line was a man.

I had a hangover.

Littery.

A man.

Conchita warned me about her. She
doesn't like the way she touches her.

touches her. I only touch her with
feeling.

Cheetah walking.

I don't think so, you weirdo. I've been
quite enough of that already.

Cheetah's my twin.

We have a connection.

No one understands.

Oh, I better get a new glass.

Hi. Vivian. I can't really talk right
now.

A very good time.

Don't get up.

Now, Peter, I'm so glad you're here. And
I really do want you to stay as long as

you like. Because now that bitch wife
has left you, I really feel it's my duty

to take care of you.

Well, thank you, Jackie.

She's always let me down.

I know, and you're better off without
her. I did beg you not to marry her.

If only I'd listened.

Horrendous woman.

I hate her.

You've never met her.

I don't have to meet her to hate her.

Oh, right, yeah.

Yeah, I hate her too.

I loathe her.

Yes, because she fleeced you for all you
had. I mean, she treated you

shamefully. You see, they met in rehab.
I mean, what kind of person does one

meet in rehab?

Oh. Maybe it wasn't her fault.

Maybe it was a court order.

Yeah, I suppose I wouldn't be surprised.

I mean, we know nothing about her, do
we? We don't know about her family or

anything. She's probably trash.

And, you know, don't forget that time
she abandoned you for all those months

end and left you to fend for yourself. I
mean, God knows what she got up to.

She's such a slag. I mean, when I think
of all the things that she did to you...

Everybody makes mistakes, don't they?

No, don't defend her.

He went to jail because of her. I had to
bail him out. I had to bail him out.

Vivian, I can't talk right now.

Are you with her?

No. Are you fucking her?

No.

You stupid bastard.

You said you love me. Now you love me.

Vivian, I... No.

Fuck me.

No. I can't talk right now.

You coward.

It's the fucking awards tomorrow. Why
don't I just go on stage and I tell the

whole world that you're fucking me?

Tomorrow.

After the awards, I'll talk to you and
we'll clear everything

up about Jackie and...

What to do?

I am going to cut your little balls and
I'm going to feed them to you.

Wrong thing to do! You're not going to
sound like a victim anymore!

Piece of shit!

If I met her, I'd spit in her face.

Oh, would you? Yeah, I would. Really?

Astonishing.

Wow.

Wow.

You're very, uh...

Hmm. I'm a filmmaker.

Have you acted?

For God's sake, Gabriel.

She's the dog whisperer. I told you.

Pet communicator.

Oh.

Conchita's pissing on my chair. What do
you think she wants?

Oh. She said you have a bad attitude.

You talk to the dog.

Did you see my movie?

I love your movie.

Mediocre.

Are you my enemy?

No.

No, I'm your lover.

Right. Well, you take her then.

And I have to say, I'm not particularly
impressed by your skills. She is worse

than ever.

Now, where's fucking Juanita with the
food?

This is your piece.

is really starting to piss me off.

We need to sort this right now.

Let's go speak to Sidney.

No luck, I'm afraid.

She's around.

Well, that was the last of the five
-star hotels.

I really can't see her slumming it in
some squalid motel, can you?

She is, if nothing else, a lady.

Take me somewhere.

I want to get fucked up.

Try martini with a twist.

Thank you, Kim Kim.

Oh, you are a good puppy.

Evening.

Hurry.

Oh, my word, how wonderful to see you.

I've been looking everywhere for you.
Really?

Tea. Tea. You'll have some tea. Kim,
Kim.

Fetch some tea for the lady.

Oh, and Kim, Kim, we aren't to be
disturbed.

Sidney, darling, something's come up,
something quite large.

I was hoping you might be of some
assistance.

Intriguing. We'll have some.

Fresh from the battlefields of
Afghanistan.

Let me be mother.

I don't mind if I do.

Oh, that's plenty. Oh, no.

Not quite.

A little more.

Now, don't be wasteful.

Oh, steady on, my dear.

Come on.

You know what I love about you, darling?

You're a girl who knows how to have a
good.

Huh.

You stole from me and then you leave me?
I was just on my way to pay you back

via Los Angeles.

I got a little sidetracked.

You're good at so many things, Harry,
but not lying.

It was all Peter's fault.

Yes, he blew all your cash and made me
run away.

But I knew you'd come for me.

Where's the money, Harry?

Well... I'm working on it.

That's why I'm here.

So you don't have it.

I love you, Harry.

But now I'm going to fuck you up.

There's a ring.

A beautiful one.

I'm not going to nick it for you. You're
lying. No.

It's for us.

Think about it.

Me.

You.

And millions of pounds.

And what about the idiot you married?

Oh, Major.

I'll forget him.

Sidney could have him.

You really are a cold -hearted bitch,
aren't you?

No.

Come on, love.

Pour us a drink and let's talk.

I'll have to nod it off.

What happened?

It all worked out.

I handled it expertly.

In what sense?

We're getting married.

Gabriel is leaving Jackie.

We're getting married.

What, you and Jackie?

Me and Gabriel.

Ah, I see.

We're going to take the ring tonight.

Eh?

It isn't a day to break in.

Sidney's a fucking snake.

He's an expert in his field, so I
suggest you shut the fuck up.

You're insane.

Next time I see you, you'll be in jail.

Are you going somewhere?

Oh, yes, I am.

I'm a wreck.

I've never been so happy in my life.

We have worked so hard for this.

So hard.

So hard. We have worked so hard.

So hard.

Gabriel?

Gabriel?

What do you take?

I don't know.

But... That was very, very, very good.

Oh. Oh, well.

You might have saved some for me, then.
For fuck's sake.

Sydney will be here soon.

What are you gonna do?

Cut her hand off and stuff out of his
cassock.

You think this will work?

This won't work.

It's never going to work.

We have no choice.

Best director goes to... Best director
goes to...

Gabriel...

I wasn't expecting this. I'm not
prepared.

This is so much more than me.

I'd like to dedicate this to my muse.

Gina.

Vivian Prince.

Thank you, Jackie.

I'm moving back to England.

I mean, you have no idea what I have
been through with Gabriel.

And to be humiliated like that in front
of 500 million people.

Conchita wants you to stay. She wants
you to work things out.

I have an announcement.

There's something you should know about
this woman who... What's the matter with

him? I don't know. He seemed upset.

I don't blame him. What was he saying?

Something about Conchita.

Conchita knows, and that's why she's so
upset.

Gabriel has been taking her to set, and
the three of them have been doing it in

his trailer and in his bed.

Right.

I need to talk to her. Come on, we're
going.

What happened?

Where am I?

Where is he?

He's a lawyer.

I'll kill him!

You will die!

Tell him she cannot despair my feelings.

No, no.

He said he loved me.

Peter, you didn't.

I'll kill you.

Oh, Gina, I know you're upset.

It's been a long day for everyone, and
we are all very, very tired and very

emotional. So why don't you go and make
us some hot cocoa?

Gabriel said that he loved me.

Well, a second ago, you were in love
with Peter.

It's all rather fickle, I must say.

I'm really starting to see your side of
this.

Right?

This?

What are you doing here?

And who are you?

We're friends of Harry.

We've come to see her. Is she here?

She is a criminal.

And to your intruders.

I'm calling the police, aye.

Well, if you're going to wear shorts
like that, you must expect to be shot,

mustn't you?

You're a genius.

You are the most amazing.

What's she doing here?

Honey, we need to talk.

Oh, piss off.

Tell her.

Tell her what?

Gabriel and I are in love.

He's leaving you because we're getting
married.

I didn't say I was leaving her.

You said you love me. He loves me.

Fuck you. And your fucking ring.

Yeah. Bastards!

Where are they?

Who are you?

Who the fuck are you?

Where is she?

You're also fu - Fucking a Russian
hooker!

Give me the ring.

Now.

Give it to me or I'll shoot him. Yes, go
ahead.

Be my guest.

It's not in her possession.

She fucked me.

Where are Terry and Peter?

Harry and Peter?

Harry and Peter?

That's... Harry,

that's a disaster.

That bitch fucked me again. Did she?

I am happy for you. You made up. We have
to find her.

I think it's a bit late. I will slit
your fucking throat myself.

We have to find her.

I suggest we start in the kitchen.

Lots of hiding places there.

Wait. One moment.

Let me get it straight.

Who's getting fucked over on this one,
me or Irina?

Darling, I was just trying to keep it
sweet.

Oh, well, great work on that one. Well
done, mate.

Just like I promised.

You promised you, me, and millions of
pounds.

Peter, darling, I really need your help.

Irina.

The gun down now.

And I'll throw you the ring.

And you let us go.

How long do you think we're going to
live on it?

Oh, years and years.

One long holiday.

Where should we go?

Switzerland. That's fucking boring.

Morocco.

Oh, you can't go there, remember?

Canada.

Honolulu.

Oh, fuck.

What?

It's the fake one. I gave her the real
one.

You stupid fucking part.

Calm down.

I'll get us out of here.

Oh, thank you so much.

Brazil? Brazil?

Yeah, bananas.

Oh, that was a fun trip.

One long holiday.

What are we going to do now?

I've got an idea.

Waitress! Love around.