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(Woman) I see a connection.

For many summers.

A brotherhood in arms,

with an old white man?

You are fighters for peace and justice.

Tirelessly, you put your lives at risk

to protect the helpless.

I see much good in you,

but also secrets.

And a shadow on your heart.

You seek answers.

But only the truth

can drive the darkness from your heart.

Your hardest trial is yet to come.

(Bavarian) I just wanted to know what the weather will be like tomorrow.

(powerful, adventurous music)

Have you gone crazy?

Get off the tracks!

What's wrong with you people? Are you deaf?

(train whistle blows)

Ow!

(casual bass sounds)

(cool blues music)

This is my Assistant Deputy in Charge, Randy "the Snake" Ratford.

I am Sheriff Robert W. Fitzbury Kane. And that there is my reflection.

So you were on your way to Santa Fe and got stopped?

-That is correct, Sir. -What happened then?

It all happened so fast. There were two of them.

If you ask me, they've done this more than once before.

And they had dynamite with them.

A whole lot of dynamite.

(Saxon dialect) These scoundrels have been causing trouble for far too long

in this godforsaken area.

-Take a deep breath in and out. -(High-pitched train whistle)

I don't like that whistle. Deeper now.

(Low train whistle)

Can you describe the men?

They were wearing sort of cowboy and Indian clothes.

One of them had long black hair.

I think they were related.

-How do you figure that? -Well, they kept saying "my brother".

My brother here, my brother there.

-Something is definitely fishy here. -Oh yes, now I see it too.

Tell me, Mr...

-Lucas. -Mr. Lucas.

What about that nice boy you always had with you?

He's studying music now.

"This arrow belongs to Abahachi."

(Lucas) Yeah, exactly.

That's what the one guy always called the long-haired one.

(distant melodic yodeling)

It's coming from the yodeling pit.

(yodels)

I'm here now!

(distant yodeling)

Me too!

Where exactly?

Behind you, you clumsy oaf!

Ha, there he is!

Yeah, exactly!

(both, Bavarian) Hello.

-My brother. -My brother.

(sighs) It feels like an eternity.

When did we last see each other?

-Hey, I think that was Monday. -Monday.

Look, I brought you something. For our silver brotherhood pact.

Stop it. We agreed we wouldn't give each other gifts anymore.

Try it out. I carved this myself.

-This is... -Something other than a harmonica.

(soft tones)

-Kiss my ass. -Incredible, right?

But be careful, don't blow too hard, or it'll burst.

No, no, I'll be careful.

(he skillfully plays a dreamy melody)

(Pop!)

-You broke it! -It wasn't me.

-(Gunshots ring out) -Take cover!

(Neighing)

(Gunshots continue)

I think someone has a problem with pan flutes.

-Damn it, the horses are gone. -Who is that?

-There are two of you. -No way.

Yes, there are. Look.

(Gunshot)

-Lost the knife again. -You're out of bullets.

Because I lent you mine.

-Am I to blame again? -I didn't say that.

-But you thought it. -Because you know it.

-More than you think. -I'd better not tell you.

-As always. -That again.

-Say what you're thinking. -I think we're trapped.

(Gunshots)

-You know what? We jump. -No way.

-Why not? -Because of that.

-Better idea? -Don't jump.

Fine, I'll jump first.

-I'm staying here. -Why are you always so stubborn?

I don't know who annoys me more, those guys or you.

(shouts loudly)

Three.

(cheerful, leisurely music)

Hellas, what is that? Men, friends.

For heaven's sake, the table, la tabla, not round but square.

Like a bathroom tile.

-Delivery for Dimitri Stoupakis. -One moment please!

And the picture doesn't belong next to the kitchen window,

but in the VIM area for the Very Important Jerks.

Is that so hard to understand? Mother of God.

Hellas. There she is.

My Ouzodora. Patron saint of schnapps herbs.

-What's up? -Watch out. The statue has to go inside the bar.

But with a lot of care, please. It's very valuable.

Bobby, please don't forget. This has to be bone dry by tomorrow.

-Boss, bone dry. -(he groans)

Just another happy little accident.

Sewn up and sealed tight.

Stop, stop, stop. Gentlemen. What is this?

The counter. A little further back. Back.

The gentleman thinks the bar counter should be placed further back.

(both) Ah.

Right. Let's go.

-(woman) Thank you very much, gentlemen. -You're welcome.

She's sending the bee, but I'm sorry.

We are closed for renovations. Reopening is tomorrow.

-Are you Mr. Stoupakis? -Yes, that's me.

I'm here about the job.

Ah, then you must be Ms. Mary. Wonderful.

You can start right away. I have...

(magical music)

(clattering)

...expected something different.

Sir. The lady is unfortunately damaged.

No problem. Me too.

(Saxon dialect) They can't be far.

The Rio Grande is 1,885 miles long

and measures 59 feet at its deepest point.

At an average temperature

they could therefore survive

23 days in the water. As long as the beaver.

Yes, but eventually they will make a mistake.

(he coughs)

What are you doing?

Incredible, how much water you can hold.

Just say you can't swim.

I'd like to lie in the sun now.

-We need to talk more to each other. -Damn it.

If you go to the happy hunting grounds...

-The firing pin is busted. -Then you'd be gone.

And I would still be here and wouldn't be able to tell you anything more.

Or maybe you would have had

some questions for me.

(Dramatic music)

We have two horses on offer here.

Do you have a captive bolt pistol with you?

Read the Native American chief his rights.

-Who, me? -Please don't say 'Indian'.

Your tavern is really very cozy.

Thanks, this is already my second establishment, I've expanded.

If this keeps up, I'll have to set up a second table here too.

What should we write on this?

Open from 11 to 12 o'clock, Siesta until 6:30 PM.

-30 days delivery time upon order. -30 days?

Well, Apollo 14 isn't the fastest donkey anymore.

(He sighs)

But it gets offended very quickly.

-(Chiming bells) -Ah, the mail is here.

(Somber music)

Ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho.

-What happened? -I've been robbed again.

Mary, Ouzo. Quick!

Mr. Stoupakis.

A breaking news flash.

"Wire-haired Dachshund Rita is having triplets."

The man gave up his life for this news.

-Who was the Ouzo for? -Cancel that.

-"Are you facing the gallows now?" -Not for Cancel That.

(Dark, dramatic music)

(Relaxed country song, Saxon accent) ♪ Please never do that to me, Lucy Jane

♪ We wanted to get through everything together

♪ I can't believe it You left me

♪ How is life on the farm going to go on now?

♪ You're a real big idiot, Lucy Jane

Look forward, you pigs.

I don't understand this.

Apparently, this Lucy Jane...

No, they're arresting us and not telling us why.

(Ranger) Oh, right.

Hey, it's been a while,

but maybe this is because of the thing in Mexico.

-What? The peace negotiation? -Could be.

Men who smoke pipes seal their friendship.

As soon as this pipe burns, peace will enter your hearts.

My white brother will now light the fire of peace.

As soon as this pipe burns, peace will enter your hearts.

Phew.

(Roaring)

Well, nobody survived, and you were the organizer.

If you hadn't broken the first match...

You don't go into a peace negotiation with only two people.

-That was your matchbox. -The one you gave me.

-Then I won't give you anything anymore. -I don't need anything.

You'll see what happens when nothing is left under the tree.

(Randy) Can you guys up front finally shut your mouths?

(Dimitri) I have no choice, Ms. Mary.

I must do what a brother must do.

-Shouldn't I come along instead? -It's too dangerous, Mary.

There are bandits and coyotes everywhere.

Where I'm going, there was just a heavy strawberry patch.

But I want to help.

Fine. The little flower geese must be watered every morning.

Muck out the stable daily.

Don't forget,

if the district official rings the bell, always say: "I'm not here."

(Chirping)

What is that noise?

That's the chirping birds of my woodpecker, Ruprecht.

(Clock chimes, cuckoo call)

Oh no, it's noon already,

High Noon.

And what if you're late?

Your donkey isn't the fastest anymore.

True.

And he has a weak bladder.

(Lively, fast violin music)

Indian!

(Murmuring)

-He's not hitting the notes cleanly. -The arpeggios need to flow better.

(softly) Abahachi.

There's a well up ahead, I'll jump in there and hide.

In the night, I'll climb out and free you from prison.

Get ready, I'll count to three.

One.

-Damn it. -Did you just say something?

No.

(cheerful piano music)

-The fiddler. -Shh.

(Music ends)

He changed the song.

-What? -(ominous music)

Okay, the Eagle has landed.

-What hedgehog? -The eagle.

-I still don't get it. -Oh man, Serge.

Come on, Bullet. Serge has been in rehab for the last few weeks.

He went through hell for us, so a little more understanding.

Here, I brought you something.

-Oh, that's really... -From Groom Lake City.

(amazed) Oh.

-It's one of a kind. -Thanks, Little Rock.

(small bell rings)

-Bye. -Bye.

Why are we having the meeting in the church?

-It's as busy as a train station in here. -It's just a temporary solution.

Until the clubhouse reopens.

So, Serge, what didn't you understand?

That this Apache kept slipping through our fingers,

I got that much.

But what does that have to do with the Sheriff?

Dynamite and Bullet, disguised as Abahachi and Ranger, robbed people.

Ow.

Until the Sheriff started hunting those two idiots.

Now that he has them, we know where to find the Chief.

-At the gallows. -And that's right out there.

-Who? -The gallows.

Okay.

In this town, there's one main street,

and that's how you get in and out.

Main Street leads to Liberty Square.

That's where the Chief will be tried tomorrow.

Bullet will pull the trigger at the right moment.

(Fast, cheerful music)

-Hey, what about me? -We're not interested in the other guy.

That was so obvious.

The rest is child's play. Abahachi's steed will gallop straight ahead.

Right towards the city limits,

where we'll already be waiting for him behind the railway tracks.

We'll grab the guy, drag him to the Running Nose...

Where he'll get the canoe out of the cave for us.

Exactly, Manitou's canoe.

Bullet.

Who is that guy, anyway?

That's Wolfgang.

Okay, Wolfgang. And what can you do?

(Off-key sounds)

I'm an extra.

-He's what? -An extra. A bit player.

Well, I'd rather call myself a supporting actor.

-Why do we need someone like that? -Because there are only six of us.

There are always seven. The Magnificent Seven, the Seven Dwarfs.

-The seven o'clock news. -Yes.

Do we have to divide the premium by seven too?

-I'm not in on that. -Not good.

Alright, listen up, men.

We are a new, up-and-coming gang. There's never been anyone like us.

Nobody knows us yet. We need to establish ourselves.

There are gangs crawling all over the place out there.

They were fighting over this job. But we got the contract.

Guys, from the oil baron. If we mess this up, that's it.

Then you can go back to the tax office,

you can go back to being an optician, and you, a locomotive engineer.

What a nightmare.

I can't go back either. Who's going to hire me as a tap dancer?

Excuse me, what's our gang called, anyway?

-Right, we don't have a name yet. -Alright then.

By tomorrow, everyone thinks of three good gang names.

And then we'll draw lots.

Any questions?

Could you repeat that, please?

(unintelligible mumbling)

-Once more, please. -(angry mumbling)

Take down your stupid cloth. He can't understand you.

(he grumbles in disbelief)

It doesn't matter anyway, we're going to shoot him in a minute.

(unintelligible mumbling)

Ah, now I understand.

I have to disappoint you there. There's nothing left to get from this stagecoach.

-It's already been robbed. -Nice try, dummy.

Did you hear that, Wilson Santiago?

(speechless mumbling)

Then he knows your name. Calm down now.

Check what's in the crate.

Gentlemen, please, you don't have to shoot me.

I don't work for the post office. Let me introduce myself briefly.

I am Dimitri Stoupakis, 45 years old, Virgo.

In my tavern, I serve juicy roast lamb with chickpea stew

and of course, Ouzo.

Tomorrow is the grand reopening. I have a surprise.

Look, here. You are cordially invited.

(Gunshot)

Are we there yet?

(peaceful music)

Thank you, Ms. Mary, for not listening to me.

If you hadn't come along, I'd be dead as a doornail now

and my friends would be lost.

Well, I had a feeling that I might need you.

Yes, one should listen to their feelings more often.

Yes, I think so too.

Do you believe in destiny?

Um... I think we should hurry up a bit.

-How much further is it? -We'll be there by dawn.

Ah. We could take turns, then maybe we'll be faster.

-Have you ever driven anything like this... -I've driven everything.

Trains, steamers, Ferris wheels.

And that's despite having two left hands.

-You know what? -Hm?

I'll do it, okay?

Giddy up!

Hoo, hoo!

(ominous music)

(cough)

(cough)

One last meal, please.

Did he just say 'last meal'?

Well, it's just a figure of speech.

This could be our last supper.

It doesn't taste bad for one.

-Are you always honest with me? -Yes. Want to try? Senior's plate.

No, I mean, do you always tell me everything?

Yes, of course. Why?

Ranger, among brothers-in-arms, we always tell each other the truth.

There are no secrets.

What's wrong with you?

I need to get something off my chest before tomorrow...

Now you're being very pessimistic.

We've gotten through much worse things.

Remember? By the Kingston River?

Kingston? Kingston... Help me out.

Where we got lost, in the Iroquois territory.

300 warriors on the left bank, the cavalry on the right, us stuck in the middle.

-In our swim trunks. -Still, we made it out.

And why?

-Yeah, already, but ... -You know why.

-I know, but ... -Because?

(relaxed song) ♪ 'Cause we're feeling super awesome

♪ And only argue occasionally

♪ 'Cause we're already up at 7 o'clock

♪ To ride side by side

♪ 'Cause we're feeling super awesome

-Yeah ... -We're not done yet.

-Yeah, but ... -Nothing. Let's keep going.

♪ 'Cause we're feeling super awesome

♪ We have great manners, after all

♪ We're on a rise every day

♪ What could possibly happen to us?

♪ 'Cause we're feeling super awesome

Well ... (sighs)

Look, they have nothing against us in their hands.

We won't let ourselves be provoked.

Mhm.

We'll stay factual, reasonable, and completely calm.

-You've got your ass wide open! -Ranger, please.

Here's the little bird. Please smile.

Come on, shut up.

-He doesn't mean it. -But I do.

-He didn't sleep well last night. -I already have!

What kind of trial is this supposed to be?

-(Woman) A short one. -(Laughter)

The charges are: murder,

arson, robbery

on trains, casinos, banks, post offices, nursing homes

and on a traveling circus.

-Travel-what? - Plundering of church property.

-And chicken theft. -(Whispers)

(Woman) And the crap with the grandchild scam.

(fast knocking)

Do you have anything else to say in your defense?

Questions and bewilderment are reflected in Abahachi's face.

Please, no.

Dark clouds are gathering over the town,

where the white man can also be mistaken sometimes.

Everyone makes mistakes. This would be a really stupid one.

What he means to say is: You fools have the wrong people.

We have nothing to do with this nonsense.

-You don't even have evidence. -You want evidence?

Let's take this arrow, for example.

A common weapon.

Available in every well-stocked weapon and souvenir shop.

Nothing unusual so far.

However, it is conspicuous that exactly such an arrow

has been recovered from 27 different crime scenes.

What is that supposed to prove? He's not the only Indian with a bow and arrow.

-Please don't say 'Indian'. -Everyone likes bows and arrows.

-Not bad, Mr. Specht. -(Ranger) The Romans.

Even Robin Hood had a bow and arrow.

Oh really?

Is something written on every arrow?

I quote:

"This arrow belongs to Abahachi."

(Murmuring)

(Dramatic music)

(Woman) I'm really curious to hear that excuse now.

-The peace pipe. -What?

In Mexico. That must be where it happened.

They stole my arrows.

-Based on the authority vested in me... -In the valley...

-Based on... -At the peace negotiation.

Let him finish speaking.

Based on the authority vested in me, I sentence Aba...

Hallevallovello! Hilevier!

Malevacht euleveuch belevereleveit!

Walevas malevachst dulevu delevenn hilevier?

Dimitri is about to shoot your rope!

Walevas?

We'll meet at our old hideout then!

Understood?

Abahachi. Hold on tight, we're going for a ride.

(Prosecutor) So, where was I? Oh yes.

Based on the authority vested in me,

I sentence Abahachi and Ranger

to death by hanging.

(Gunshot, Neighing)

(Screaming, Murmuring)

-Wh-What about me?

-(Neighing) -(Shouts)

(Dramatic music)

(Chirping)

"Hellas Fellas."

(Ominous music)

It's starting, men.

-Shit, there are two of them. -So?

I only brought one sack.

Excuse me, when do I actually get my own horse?

(Cheerful, adventurous Western music)

(Music fades)

-What is it? -Shh.

(Dolphin sounds)

(Monkey screeching)

-Daddy. -Mary.

-Daddy? -It's Mary.

-Abahachi! -Bless you.

Dimi.

-(Ranger) Kolevomm helever. -Oh.

(Mary laughs happily)

I missed you so much.

Look, I brought you something.

From the duty-free shop.

-A shampoo. -"Green Apple."

(Soft, emotional music)

He's never brought me a shampoo, though.

Yes, this is our secret spot.

We used to play hide-and-seek here.

Are there more nieces and nephews that I don't know about?

Dad always hid in the well.

Typical Dad.

-I'm his blood brother, so I'm their uncle. -What are you?

-So who's the mother? -That was before your time.

This is the best soup bean I've ever eaten.

-Really? -Oh yes.

Dad always said I couldn't cook.

Dad is crazy.

He thought I wouldn't notice

when he poured my food into the flowerpot.

(Dimitri) That flowerpot is a real mushroom haven.

So, who wants some more?

I'll have a big gulp, please. I'm starving.

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I always wrote letters to Dad, but they never seemed to arrive.

Yeah, tough luck.

-I'm always on the road with him. -Ah, 'with him'.

And then, after years, I got this postcard from him.

With the address of Dimitri's Tavern.

Well, then I finally knew where I could find my dad.

-Do you still remember what you wrote? -No.

But I think this is now...

"My dear daughter.

How are you? I am fine.

Yesterday we went on an outing, and I found a porcini mushroom.

All my love, your Dad.

P.S.:

The weather is good."

-That's wonderful. -Right?

And I'm so happy that we are getting to know each other.

I've never met a real Indian before.

What's wrong with him?

You.

What is it?

Excuse me.

I'd rather be alone now.

I know, I should have stuck to the truth.

Of course you found the porcini mushroom.

Something else is bothering me.

What is it?

-The beans. -Ah.

Oh. Ms. Mary, this absolutely has to go on our menu.

Here you go.

(long, squeaky fart)

-What was that? -Probably the cavalry.

Don't worry, they're on our side.

-Ah. -Yamas.

Yamas, Mr. Stoupakis.

Oh, come on, Mister. I'm Dimi.

-Dimi. -Mary.

(calm, soulful music)

What's your zodiac sign, anyway?

Um... I think I'm...

Wait. Don't say it.

Let's look at the stars.

Ah. Do you see that?

Next to the Milky Way, where the stars are sniffing?

Looks like a... Greek goddess.

She has beautiful long hair.

Her eyes shine green like the sea of Mykonos.

And she has a cute little upturned nose.

And if you look closely,

you'll discover a heart-shaped birthmark

on the inside of her shell-shaped ear.

That's right.

(soft female singing) ♪ Even if the stars

♪ Are aligned just right

♪ For true love

♪ To go through life

♪ My father always told me

♪ One thing, dear Mary, I advise you

♪ If you want to be happy in life

♪ Then don't get involved with a handsome man

♪ Instead of a handsome one who can do nothing

♪ Take a mediocre man

Here I am.

♪ I don't want any stress in life

♪ There can only be one for me

♪ She doesn't need noble titles

♪ I'll take her even if she's average

(they whistle a light melody)

(music becomes livelier and more pompous)

(Applause)

(somber sounds)

We're taking them all with us.

-That was a great hiding spot. -How did they find us?

That caterwauling was impossible to ignore.

-Move along, little one. -For you, Lady Mary, Malaka.

-Calm down. -It smells like "Green Apple" in here.

-(Dynamite) What are you looking at me for? -Get in the carriage.

Hold on. Hands off.

Until I know who we're dealing with, I'm not getting in anywhere.

Yeah, too bad. Unfortunately, we don't have a gang name yet.

That's a shame.

Right, we were supposed to draw that yesterday.

-Does this have to happen now? -Well, otherwise she won't get in.

There. Now I'm curious myself.

Ah, yes.

Our gang is called...

The Seven Little Goats.

So, satisfied?

-Okay by me. -Change clothes, let's go.

(Ominous music)

(Splashing)

-Randy. -I'm here, Sheriff.

I'll look around here. You take care of the saloon in the meantime.

Cool.

(Randy) You're probably wondering why you're sitting here.

We're looking for a sniper who's been hanging around here.

And we have reason to believe

that the perpetrator has something to do with this establishment.

That's why I'm asking you:

Who is the man in this picture?

You don't want to talk? Fine.

I have other ways.

What... here...

(Cheerful Mariachi music)

Ow, shit.

Excuse me, miss.

(Music ends)

If you do remember who the man is,

report to the Sheriff's office.

Thank you for your cooperation.

(Heavy footsteps)

So, how did it go, Sheriff?

(Thudding)

Regarding the question about a beer, the trumpet player

couldn't give me a plausible answer.

The woman with the hat.

Her right thumb was bigger than her left pinky finger.

That comes from hard manual labor.

The painter.

His left canine tooth had a small chip.

Probably from bread that was too hard.

Did you look closely at his brush?

Yes.

The hairs are clearly from a Cuban honey badger.

(Rapid woodpecker tapping)

(Continuing rapid woodpecker tapping)

(Randy) "Rumba Ranch. Dance and fence."

Deputy, you can really wear anything.

(Dark, dramatic music)

This is already my third gang.

But the others didn't take such beautiful trips.

It's a very scenic route. Here, draw a card.

-What? -Draw a card.

-Okay... -Don't say it, just remember it, okay?

So, this one goes back into the pile.

-Seven of Spades. -No.

-Ace of Diamonds. -No.

-King of Clubs. -No.

(Quietly) Dimi. Are you reaching into my left back pocket?

-I have a really bad feeling. -Me too.

-Did you perhaps...? -Yes.

-(Wolfgang) King of Diamonds. -(Little Rock) No.

-Ace of Spades. -No.

-Ace of Clubs. -No.

(Mary) This heart will always protect you, no matter what happens.

Don't be afraid, Mary. I won't let anything happen to you.

(Threatening music)

I know this area. We're heading to the Lake of No Return.

They want to go to the Running Nose [a specific location/landmark].

(Dramatic music)

As long as we're tied up, no one can separate us.

Hurry up, men. We have two hours at most.

And you two swim over there and get the canoe out of the cave.

What canoe?

-Why should we do that? -Because your father hid it there.

-This hiding game is driving me crazy. -Can we sort this out later?

When the sun is behind the rock, you should be back with the canoe.

If not, we'll sink those two lovebirds.

-No one's ever managed that. -Serge came close once.

My French wasn't quite enough.

-Why French? -Do you need French for that?

-Well, I don't speak French. You?

-Not at all. -That's life. René is leaving.

(everyone grumbles)

(Mary, in French) Maybe I can help?

I worked as a ticket puncher at the Moulin Rouge for four years.

(all) Ah.

Yes, but that still won't work, because... I mean...

-He can't swim. -Non-swimmer.

-Unfortunately. -Unfortunately.

Luckily, I had the idea for the paddleboat.

(romantic music)

Hello, I'm Wolfgang.

I've been left before too.

Sausage?

(laid-back blues music)

Hello.

Do you know this man?

(Winnetou) One, two, three, four.

(Upbeat music)

Left, right, Cha-Cha-Cha. Cucaracha, Cha-Cha-Cha.

Left, right, Cha-Cha-Cha.

Backward, forward, and swing your hips,

one, two, three, Cha-Cha-Cha.

-Randy? -I'm here, Sheriff.

Cucaracha, Cha-Cha-Cha. Forward, backward, sway, Cha-Cha-Cha.

Huh, what's this?

-Are you... -Yes, the one dancing with Mrs. Wolf.

And she doesn't want to be disturbed.

-That's him. -You won't escape the gallows this time.

Ah, you must mean my brother.

Mrs. Wolf, we'll be done shortly. What did he do now?

They always mixed us up in school too.

I went to French class for him,

and he skipped gym for me.

Otherwise, he was always well-behaved. He doesn't rob trains.

He sets up donation boxes and helps the elderly across the tracks.

-You're on the wrong track there. -Who is that?

That's Uschi, my best friend. A big star on Broadway.

That next to her is her son, Tommy. He invented the light bulb.

Do you even know what that is, a light bulb?

He is the reigning Cha-Cha-Cha Champion and wearer of the Golden Rumba Pin.

Don't give me any finger-wagging. No smoking in here.

When did you last see your brother?

It's been a while. Usually, he brings his laundry every four weeks.

No idea where he's off cruising around now.

Do you also have the feeling that we're driving in circles?

No idea, you can't see anything.

"Danger de mort. Les enfants sont sous la responsabilité des parents."

What?

Danger to life. Parents are responsible for their children.

Well, I'm only the uncle.

Fine, then maybe Uncle Abahachi can explain to us,

why one has to hide a canoe.

Because everyone always fought over it.

Aha, why?

-Man, it makes you immortal. -What does?

The canoe makes you immortal if you cross the lake in it.

And whoever destroys it is dead.

-Who says that? -Well, the legend.

-According to legend... -What nonsense.

Why nonsense?

Abahachi, honestly, who believes such foolishness?

Aha, foolishness? But believing in Santa Claus isn't foolishness.

-His name is Nikolaus. -He comes down the chimney?

-No, that's Santa Claus. -Dad, that's enough.

We're not getting anywhere like this.

Did your father give you any clues on how to find the canoe again?

-Yes, he did. -And?

-What, and? -Can you remember?

No.

But I think it goes in there.

(Men) Serge is up next. Hurry up. -You can't wait, can you?

Don't snap it.

(Ominous music)

(Wolfgang) So.

I'll draw a card for you now.

(Clumsy music)

Don't say it, just remember it.

This one goes back into the deck. I'm closing my eyes.

I'm cold.

Alright, then I'll just make you a little fire right away.

-Wow. -Hey, don't smash it at Serge's.

You can smash it, go ahead.

I want to be treated the same as everyone else.

(Abahachi) My father always said: "Learn French, you'll need it."

Yeah, too bad.

This is what I get for skipping out.

Is there actually something serious going on with Dimi?

-Why? -I have nothing against him.

He's a nice guy.

I'd go for a beer with him anytime.

But I somehow imagined something different for you.

Wait. There's someone sitting there.

A lawyer or a doctor.

That looks more like a Scotsman to me.

You know, a father just has those kinds of thoughts.

There's a leg here.

Mhm.

Can you read that?

"Attention à la guillotine. Tournez à droite, pas à gauche."

Caution, Guillotine. Turn right, not left.

That was Serge's mistake.

-Turn the hourglass... -Okay.

Don't turn the hourglass...

...not, not, not, not...

...not too soon!

Ah!

Whoa.

That's how quickly it can happen.

-What a stupid instruction manual. -She said not too early.

-But too late. -The goal is...

We're running out of time, you nincompoop.

-Why are you always so impatient? -Always?

... the cans... -Think before you act.

You have to react immediately in case of danger.

... with a targeted throw... -A targeted throw, you hear that.

And I don't need an instruction manual for something like that.

But careful...

One can must remain standing.

(dramatic, menacing music)

-There, again. -What?

Sorry. -The doors are closing.

-Why are you getting so worked up? -I'm not getting worked up at all.

Not at all. I'm completely calm.

Am I getting worked up? I don't think I'm getting worked up.

-I'm just... -Don't say it.

-Just... -Don't say it.

-Don't say it. -Dissatisfied with the overall situation.

(dull thud, off-key bagpipe sounds)

(More bagpipe sounds)

(Mary) Phew.

Luckily, we still have a foot in the door.

(Winnetouch) You really have to think of that.

I've always been ahead of my time.

Whoever only does what they already can, remains what they are.

I used to own a beauty farm, after that I bred alpacas.

But the spitting started to get on my nerves.

Today I own this dance and fencing school, the Pink Rumba Ranch.

Fancy dancing and fencing. Learn from the best.

We have Salsa here, Paso Doble, and Samba.

Most people are crazy about Slowfox. That's my stage name too.

What about your Dirty Dancing Sunrise? Doesn't it taste good?

Back to your twin brother.

Don't arch your back, Ms. Wolf.

Does your brother have any enemies?

-(Musketeers) Smoke signals! -Did you hear that? Smoke signals.

No panic. I'm on my way.

What the hell is that?

Could be an L. Maybe a clothesline pole.

-Or a shower. -That's a runny nose.

Gentlemen, the fencing lesson is unfortunately canceled today.

-No. -Yes, it is.

-Oh. -Jacqueline!

(Neighing) -Shake your hooves. Here we go again.

I'll just quickly get dressed up.

Ms. Wolf, we have an emergency.

(Pensive music)

Excuse me, is there any soup left?

-What? -Soup.

You're only asking me that because I'm a woman.

If I were a man, you wouldn't have asked that.

-Well, I... -My ex was just like that.

He never trusted me with anything. But I got this off the ground all by myself.

This whole gang was my idea. I landed the job.

Never ask me about soup again!

Okay.

-Unfortunately, we're out of soup. -Too bad. What about Gyros?

I'll go ask.

(Leader) Are you kidding me?

(Mysterious music)

We can't go any further here.

If a note is off three times,

you'll pay for it...

with your life.

What note?

It's a C.

(off-key sounds)

(high-pitched sound)

I know that. We always played that as kids.

-Winnetouch taught me that. -I don't know it.

But you can read music.

Yes, I can, but not that many notes at once.

I can only play it as a duet.

(low-pitched sounds)

(they play the melody of the "Superperforator" song)

(off-key note)

That was the first wrong note. Two more, and we're done for.

(puffing sound)

♪ You can call the operator For the Superperforator

♪ Killing is our habit Makes you wiggle like a rabbit

♪ But before you die, my dear Have a final glass of beer

♪ And before the break of dawn We'll have you back where you ...

Shit.

♪ You don't have to wait for later Here's a new eliminator

♪ Ask your local weapon trader For the Superperforator

♪ Stress? Just cool it! Here's a special bullet

♪ Put it in the magazine Boom ba bang into your ...

-Now you really messed up. -No, I was exactly on the C.

-No, your bass was wrong. -You were on the C sharp.

-What C sharp? -There wasn't any C sharp there at all.

Exactly, no C sharp at all. You hear that.

Wait.

You haven't gambled yourselves away.

(Quiet, meaningful music)

Manitou's Canoe.

(Magical music)

Only a true Apache will pass the test.

Lucky we have one with us.

What does it say?

Only a true Apache will pass the test.

It's over, Ranger.

That's it.

-What are you talking about? -We almost made it.

I'm so sorry.

Abahachi, the canoe is up there.

You are an Apache. What's the problem?

It happened three summers ago.

I wanted to fix up our old vacation wigwam.

And I came across a book.

It was the diary of a young woman.

She had met a man,

a prince from a faraway kingdom.

He was taking the cure in Europe.

The two fell madly in love.

There was no turning back for the prince to his old home.

And the young woman too

wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.

And so the couple in love came across the great water to our land.

They joined a wagon train,

to start a new life together in the American West.

But they never arrived.

Ruthless white men attacked the train and robbed the settlers.

(Man) We'll pin it on the Shoshone.

And now off to the shower. It's Sunday.

Santa Maria.

(Abahachi) Two Apaches spotted the dark clouds in the sky.

Only the young woman and her midwife could be saved.

They were brought to safety

and found a new home with the Apaches.

A short time later, the young woman gave birth to two healthy children.

And because the great Apache chief had an even bigger heart,

he adopted the two orphans and named them Jean-Claude and René.

But when the boys learned to speak, they immediately changed their names.

Since then, they are called Winnetouch and Abahachi.

-Then you're not a real... -Please don't say it.

No wonder you label your arrows.

But we can't give up. What will happen to Dimitri then?

Exactly. Who cares. Then you're just not a real...

You're just a... a prince.

-What am I? -Well, a half-blood prince.

And I am your half-blood prince brother-in-arms.

Somehow, I don't really know anymore, who or what I am.

Wait a minute.

It doesn't even say "real" Apache there.

It says "true" Apache.

Tsk, I always mixed that up in school.

Yeah. Exactly.

Well, that's something completely different.

What?

Well, that means you don't have to be a real Apache for this at all.

No, "true" is much better.

It's all just a matter of attitude.

Abahachi.

I believe in you.

Because we're so incredibly pumped up.

My brother.

-My brother. -My uncle.

(Mysterious music)

(Rumbling)

-What is it now? -Is the water level rising?

(Tense music)

Shit. Get in there!

(Dramatic music)

And now? I mean, where's the way out?

-Phew, tricky. -Nothing can happen to us.

Because in this canoe we're immortal, right?

I think that only applies out on the lake.

Good heavens. Who thinks up stuff like this?

Time's up, Boss.

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Damn it, they're not coming anymore.

The Oil Baron won't like this, will he?

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Abort. Pack everything up, quickly.

We have to be gone before the Oil Baron shows up.

What do we do with him here? He'll rat us out.

Don't worry. I can't rat anyone out.

-Make him disappear. -Mhm.

Too bad. Well, I guess I should be saying goodbye to you then.

I really enjoyed it. I hope you did too.

Bye.

We can go.

Maybe we can drain the water somewhere.

Well, I don't see a plug here.

-"Demi-tour". -What?

Please turn around.

Ah yes, exactly. That's it.

One, two, and three!

We imagined this differently too.

I said right away the plan was stupid.

Oh, that's high. Until now, I've only ever jumped from the three-meter board.

It should hold.

What is that?

(Dramatic music)

(Tense music)

(Cheerful Greek music)

(Ranger) Your adoptive father certainly cooked up something there.

(Abahachi) That was his hobby. Scavenger hunts and building things.

(Mary) I had to play pot-smashing with Dad.

-We're going the wrong way. -We came from there.

-Hellas! -Dimi!

-Mary. -My horse cake honey.

Hey, horse cake honey. Which way to the shore?

Let's do some hocus pocus. Follow me!

(Neighing)

(Tense drumming)

Now we have a problem, right?

Okay, men, we all have to stick together now.

(Threatening drum beats)

(Casual bass sounds)

(Wild heavy metal song: "Straight to Hell" by Rage)

♪ Straight to hell

(Music ends)

Well, where is it?

-What? -The canoe.

Oh, right, the canoe.

The canoe, that is... Yes, that is... How should I put it?

-You don't have it. -Well, what do you mean, I don't have it?

We think it's a bit like the Holy Grail.

Everyone is looking for that, but it doesn't even exist.

What grail?

The Savior's cup. I already have that one.

(Ranger) Shouldn't you move in together first?

(Abahachi) Just let them be. They're adults.

-If they feel that way... -(Ranger) You too? Don't start.

(Mary) We have everything planned. -That's the thing.

(Dimitri) We have names for the children.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

I must be going crazy.

Santa Maria.

Ahoy, Captain Abahachi.

How did he survive? He was in the swamp.

Hey, I can stand up.

-Santa Maria, he's an oil bastard. -Load up.

-Yes, load up. -One, two, three, heave-ho!

-Wait, that won't work. -Oh yes, it will.

And straight to the sales floor.

Every tribe knows you're a fraud.

The Comanches don't yet. They're giving me a whole oil field for the little boat.

That's right.

(faint cuckoo call) -Oh, I have to catch the train now.

I'm opening my first gas station today.

I have an idea involving gas pumps.

Dispose of it.

Damn it, the pink Zorro.

-I saw your smoke signals. -That was my idea.

-Who is that? -Winnetouch?

-His twin brother. -Another uncle.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The eye of the law.

Nobody move. My deputy has a nervous finger.

I'm here.

Say, is your brother in the police now?

Guys, what's wrong with you? We're a gang!

Exactly, we're the seven little goats!

Hup!

-(Gunshots) -(Winnetou) Whoa!

(spirited music)

-There you go. -The boy is a natural.

Ah! Damn it.

You're quite a motley crew.

That would have been a good name for us too.

Sheriff, does this arrow look familiar to you?

Does anyone else have anything to say in their defense?

We better stay here.

(Bullet) Ah.

(Tapping music)

Ah.

(Accent) Me no gang.

88?

No?

Uh, 563 nothing to do with meat?

What, what...

Don't know what.

-There's someone from the delivery service. -Alright, let him in.

Because of your poor eyesight. I'm an optician, something can be done about that.

-Oh yeah? -I'm a tap dancer.

A tap dancer? He can start working for me.

The way he looks, he could use a second source of income.

Well, I actually only do this during the semester break.

The two of us could testify as material witnesses.

-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah, yeah.

Two material witnesses, not bad. Four eyes see more than three.

I'm an extra.

That's the stupidest excuse ever.

You're under arrest, you swine.

-Very good, Sheriff. -I'm the Deputy, you blockhead.

Exactly.

(somber music)

(Randy) Come on, get in there.

-Is there a problem? -Well, yes.

There's someone here

If I bust you out of here,

will you come back, Lucy Jane?

To our little farm?

I'd rather go to jail.

(seductive music)

Here, draw a card.

Don't say it, just remember it.

Back in the deck.

I'll shuffle quickly.

♪ Please leave the light on

♪ Light on

Jack of Hearts?

♪ 'Cause I won't let you near

-Yes. -♪ Until I'm oiled up

You can come out now.

Where is the carriage?

Where is Santa Maria?

Where is Abahachi?

(Dark, adventurous music)

We're getting company.

Faster.

(Gunshot)

(Gunshots)

He won't bother us anymore.

Um, am I European?

Yes.

-Italian? -Yes.

Am I in the Mafia?

I'm not entirely sure about that now.

Have I ever shot anyone?

I think so.

These things are getting faster and faster.

Whoa!

(Rifle being reloaded)

(Gunshot)

Take the canoe to the Comanches.

And Abahachi around the corner.

(Gunshot)

(Bodyguard) Oh damn it, damn it!

Whoa, whoa!

-What the hell? -Dead end.

(Pulsating music)

(Continuing pulsating music)

I think I'm having déjà vu.

(Ranger) Here! On the right side!

The other right!

-Jump on my horse. Jump over! -What is it?

-The tracks end up ahead. -What?

Hey, Mr. Lucas! Wake up!

Here!

Up ahead!

Oh.

Everyone out of here!

(Adventurous music)

(Ranger) For the last time, get out of there right now!

(Menacing music)

Last stop.

I'll toast to you with this, when we're done here.

Quite bitter on the finish.

(soft, sad music)

Abahachi.

Now I've lost him.

My brother.

Look what I have here. Our treasure from the Shoe of Manitou.

-Are you crazy? -No, it's really him.

You can't scare me like that, you clumsy oaf.

Oh, what is it...

-I really thought you were... -Oh, come on.

We were supposed to grow old together.

Abahachi. We are old.

Yeah, amazing, isn't it?

(Priest) You may now kiss.

-(Crowd) Oh. -(Applause)

The buffet is... paid for by the father-in-law.

What, who?

And everyone: "Zaziki."

Zaziki!

-Camera out, cake in. -(Impressed murmur)

And Serge, please.

(Crowd) Oh! (Applause)

Oh.

(Rhythmic music)

(Spanish) The boy is smart, he has a mediocre wife!

She's doing well, with a mediocre man.

(Narrator) Just two months later, Winnetouch and Serge won

during their honeymoon

the Samba World Championship at Copacabana.

But that wasn't the only surprise.

-The first one is under the roof. -Why the first one?

Mary and Dimitri made Ranger a grandfather.

With his 11 grandchildren, he founded the football club FC Hellas Angels.

But Abahachi still had the hardest path ahead of him.

The path of truth was inevitable.

Abahachi knew this day would come.

And so he did what his heart demanded of him.

He faced his destiny.

You must be wondering why I asked you all here.

The trembling poplar has changed its color three times already.

For that long, a guilty conscience has plagued me.

Well, it's like this.

Uh, I know...

Well, to be precise...

-Just say it already. -Yes.

Well, I... I have...

I mean, I am...

-He's an adopted child. -Are you crazy?

Say it!

(repeats)

Just say it from the gut.

(emotional music)

You are my family.

Ever since I was a little boy, I dreamed of

being a great Apache chief.

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be like you.

But somehow I also felt that I was different.

Today I know that my life has been a lie.

Although my heart tells me where I belong,

I don't know if I'm worthy of being one of you.

Everyone here has known for a long time...

...since you were born.

None of us brought it up with you,

we didn't want to hurt your feelings.

You are our chief,

and we all want you to remain one.

No one here is judged by their origins.

We all stand behind you!

It is said:

A true Apache is made in the heart!

Thank you.

Everything is fine.

Everything is fine. May it stay that way!

(powerful, emotional music)

(they sing)

(Narrator) For the first time in their lives and for a brief moment,

Abahachi and Ranger were content with the overall situation.

-(Abahachi) Now I'm relieved. -You're back to your old self.

(Abahachi) Exactly.

(Ranger) What do we do with the treasure? We could treat ourselves to a break.

-(Abahachi) A break? -Yes, we could go on vacation riding.

To Wyoming for fly-fishing.

-(Abahachi) That's not possible. -Why not?

(Abahachi) You can't trade in a treasure.

Besides, we first have to repair the canoe.

-(Ranger) And then what? -Hide it.

(Ranger) No, not again.

(Winnetouch) Let's go!

Ah, uah.

(Clattering)

-Is it my fault? -I didn't say that.

-But you thought it. -Because you know that.

I know more, uh... what I think you think...

-I'd better not tell you what I think. -I know more... uh, what?

-I'd better not tell you what I think. -Wait.

The little flower geese must be eaten.

-(Man) Not eaten. -Watered. Damn it!

-No, the Überhachi.... Überhachi? -(Man) Überhachi.

No, Abahachi doesn't do things like that, he...

No, he doesn't do things like that. Damn it.

And how did it go, Sheriff?

How did it go, Sheriff?

You've got to be kidding me.

So? How did it go, Sheriff?

(Heavy Metal with clashing drums)

Did he just say "Senior Special"?

Here I am.

What did he say? Last Supper! Damn it.

Hey, for what it is, it doesn't taste bad at all.

(clears throat) Okay, now I'm good.

-Did he just say "Senior Special"? -For what it is, it doesn't taste too bad.

-What's up? -Please watch out.

The statue has to go into the bar. But with a big...

What's wrong with the Greek guy? He misspoke. Why? No reason.

Not enough Ouzo. It's inside. Come back later. One more time, please. Damn it.

Ah.

Ah.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Wilevir treleveffeleven us with ule...

(she babbles nonsense)

Wilevir milevi... (misspeaks and keeps babbling)

If you should happen to remember who the man in the picture is,

you can either send a letter like this or maybe...

Ding, ding.

Oh, right, now I'm doing the "Ding, ding" too, you idiot.

(Laughter)

That was so good. "Ding, ding. I know that."

Oh yeah.

(giggling) Such a small extra.

Did you look at his... (talking incoherently) ...?

-(Laughter) -Good heavens.

Did you take a closer look at his brush?

(Snorting)

Because we're so incredibly awesome.

(Snort)

-♪ Because we're so incredibly awesome -Heck yeah!

♪ And only occasionally fight

♪ Because we're already up at 7 AM

♪ And only occasionally wasted

♪ Because we're so incredibly awesome

♪ We only eat vegan now

♪ Because it hits so incredibly well

♪ That's even cooler than the Nineties

♪ Cool cops, riots Cozy socks

♪ Oat milk at the fair-trade café

♪ I'm munching on grain bars While riding my e-bike

♪ And greeting everyone I see Hello! Cheers!

♪ Then I stand in line At the newest Instagram hype café

♪ Where they're giving stuff away for free today

♪ And then I take a selfie With the barista

♪ He might not be handsome But he's very, very smart

♪ Because we're so incredibly awesome

♪ And only occasionally fight

♪ Because we're already up at 7 AM

♪ And only occasionally wasted

♪ Because we're so incredibly awesome

♪ We only eat vegan now

(Dimitri) That sausage-griller.

♪ Because this is so incredibly awesome

♪ This is even cooler than the Nineties

♪ Then I go at 11 in the morning To Pilates class

♪ It's working from home, I have time

♪ And this afternoon I'm going to the organic beer bar

♪ Organic beer makes you nice and wide

♪ In the evening I chill out then With my BFFs

♪ That was quite a stressful day

♪ And if you wonder How do you all even manage?

♪ Now hold on tight to what I'm telling you

♪ Because we're so incredibly stoked

♪ And only occasionally fight

♪ Because we're up at 7 AM already

♪ And only occasionally wasted

♪ Because we're so incredibly stoked

♪ We only eat vegan now

♪ Because this is so incredibly awesome

♪ This is even cooler than the Nineties

♪ Because we're so incredibly stoked

♪ And only occasionally fight

♪ Because we're up at 7 AM already

♪ And only occasionally wasted

♪ Because we're so incredibly stoked

♪ We only eat vegan now

♪ Because this is so incredibly awesome

♪ This is even cooler than the Nineties

(Sigh) Awesome.

Ah, awesome.

Awesome.

(Seductive music)

(Calm male singing) ♪ I'm smoothly sliding out of my silk shirt

♪ It sails super smoothly ahead of me

♪ And a few splashes of organic jojoba oil

♪ I slick onto my skin

♪ And when you slide around on me later

♪ I'll be your slippery man tonight

(Upbeat chorus) ♪ Please leave the light on

♪ Please don't turn me on

♪ 'Cause I won't let you near

♪ Until I'm all oiled up

♪ Sounds a little weird

♪ My skin needs care

♪ Before I lie down soon

♪ I'll oil myself up to my chin

(Calm singing) ♪ Give me more, even on the sides

♪ The drop Is far from finished

♪ My baby wants to accompany me today

♪ It's important to her that it goes smoothly

♪ When you slide around on me later

♪ I'll be your slippery man tonight

(Upbeat chorus) ♪ Please leave the light on

♪ Please don't turn me on

♪ 'Cause I won't let you near

♪ Until I'm all oiled up

♪ Sounds a little weird

♪ My skin needs care

♪ Before I lie down soon

♪ I'll oil myself up to my chin

♪ Light on Please leave the light on

♪ Not on Please don't turn me on

♪ Not near No, I won't let you near

♪ Until I'm all oiled up Uh

♪ Weird It sounds a little weird

♪ Care My skin needs care

♪ Lie down

♪ I'll oil myself up to my chin Uh

♪ I'll oil myself up to my chin

(Song fades out)

(Song kicks back in upbeat)

♪ Light on Yeah

♪ Light on Hey, oh

♪ Light on Oh

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

(Song ends)

(Spy movie music)