All language subtitles for B.B.S16E09.1080p.WEB.h264.EDITH_track3_[eng]

[♪ theme music playing]

[Linda] Yay! Tree Town
Christmas Village.

Is it a town
or is it a village?

It's a Christmas village
located within the town of Tree.

Yeah, it used to be
just a tree farm,

and then they started adding
all this Christmas village stuff.

There's a cookie decorating station
and a Cocoa Hut.

Oh, we know.
Why do you think we agreed

to venture out
and freeze our tiny butts off

on the coldest night
of the year?

Yeah, my frozen ass
wants some sugar.

-Gene.
-Oh, this place is so cute.

You pay for everything
with mistle-dough.

When we get in, we gotta exchange
our money for mistle-dough.

Do we have to go
through customs?

-I don't think so.
-Oh, thank God.

I have some unpasteurized
cheese on me.

Not many cars, huh?
Must be the cold.

And how people don't like
to be out in weather

that makes you feel
like you're gonna die.

Oh, look
at these beautiful trees.

Just to be clear,
we're not buying a tree, right,

'cause we already have one?

That we got in mid-November
for some reason.

And you described it
as your soul mate.

And you said it was
the only thing you'd save

if there was a fire.

Hey. Just because we have
a perfect tree at home

doesn't mean we can't look.

We're married, not buried,
right, Bob?

-Um--
-Ooh. Look at that one.

Hello.

Oh, God. Logan.
What's he doing here?

-[grunts] Heads up, Dad.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Louise, I know
you don't like Logan, but it's Christmas.

The time for loving our neighbors
and goodwill towards...

Oh, God, that punk-ass Cynthia
is here, too.

Keep walking, keep walking.

Weren't you just saying how
Christmas is a time for love--

Yep, yep, yep. Let's go.

And pile on a little more.

Climb to the sky, Candy Tower.

It's a monument
to the arrogance of man.

Geez, do you kids not care
about esthetics,

or just how things look
in general?

I mean, Gene,
your cookie's all icing.

There's a cookie?

And we're out of these.

Lin, I think the candy
is for decorating.

Shh. It's fine, narc.

-[train horn honks]
-Oh, it's a train, sort of.

[Tina] Huh. I didn't know trains could go
between your knees like that.

Is this what that song
"Crazy Train" is about?

Looks fun-ish.
Should we go do that?

Sure. I've straddled worse.

Okay. But then let's find
this famous Cocoa Hut.

Some locomotion
and then cocoa-motion?

-Sound good?
-Deal.

Mom, Dad,
you kids cool if we split?

Okay. Here,
take some mistle-dough.

Don't spend it all
in one place.

But spend it all here
because

I don't think this money works
in the real world.

-Okay, bye.
-Here. Guard these with your life.

-And guard mine the most.
-[Bob] Mmm.

Whoa, whoa, guys, wait.
I just realized.

We haven't decorated cookies
for Santa yet.

-You can give him those.
-Sorry, what?

No. These are a shameless way
to get sugar into our faces.

No. Uh-uh. Santa deserves
a beautiful dignified cookie.

-Not these.
-Yeah. These are trash.

Sorry, but come on.

You have such a good point,
Dad. Will you do it?

Please. You seem to have
a lot of thoughts about this.

And we've got
a train to catch.

[sighs] Okay, fine.

I'll decorate some for Santa.

But only because
there's a heater here

and I like the idea
of not walking around.

-Thanks. Bye!
-[both] Bye.

Okay, bye, kids.

We'll meet your little cabooses back here
when you're done.

I guess it's just you
and me now.

-I'm gonna go.
-What?

I'll take a quick lap
to look at the trees.

You know,
check out the talent.

I don't want to be all alone
in the Cookie Hut.

Oh, you'll be fine.
And it doesn't look creepy at all,

a grown man
by himself in here.

Okay, I'll be back soon.
Love you. Bye.

[sighs] Yup.

-Hi.
-That man is sad.

I know, honey. Don't stare.

Looks like we have the train
to ourselves.

Yeah. Coming here
when it's so cold that my face hurts

definitely has its perks.

-Three, please.
-All aboard the Christmas Steamer.

One mistle-dough to ride.

I took a Christmas steamer
this morning.

[Louise] You did.
You really did.

[Tina] Just looking
for the seatbelts on this thing.

Anyone else seeing seatbelts?

-No?
-[Logan] Hup.

Hey, you little kiddies
enjoying the kiddy train?

Ugh. We were.

Hey, why don't you go ruin
someone else's

Tree Town
Christmas Village experience?

Nope. Not leaving.

My parents drag me here
every year to get our tree.

And every year,

I ride this turd train
until the nightmare's over.

Nice to have
Christmas traditions.

So while they argue
about what tree to get,

using "I feel" statements,

I come here
and stunt this train.

You "stunt" the train?

[laughs] Oh, yeah.

Train stunts.
Jumping off the train,

jumping back on the train,

interacting with
the holiday decor.

I'd show you the videos
I made last year,

but my parents
took my phone away

because I got a C in Spanish.

Isn't that good?
I thought "Sí" was Spanish.

I wouldn't know.

But what about that guy?
Won't he get mad?

The conductor? [laughs]

Tss. He's checked out.

And also, I don't think
he can physically turn around.

Speaking of! [grunts] 540!

Did somebody page
the Spin Doctors?

My dad's second favorite band.
Look them up.

Oh, look at that tree.

Oh, look at that tree.

Ooh, look at that one.
Hi, tree. You're looking at me?

Oh. And I bet you guys have
great personalities.

[motor whirring]

[screams] What the hell
are you doing?

Excuse me!

-Hello!
-What? Are you talking to me?

What are you doing
to those trees?

Uh, we take the trees
that don't sell, and we chip them up

to use them as mulch
for the next year's crop.

What? You're feeding
Christmas trees to Christmas trees?

That's a weird way
to put it, but yeah.

Anyway, I'd better
get back to it.

By the way, this area's
employees only, ma'am.

-Please step back.
-Oh, my God.

Why?

[dry heaving]

Oh. What wonderful cookies.

And look at those.

Uh, my kids did those.
Don't look at them.

I did this one.

-Oh.
-Yeah, I was trying something.

I used sprinkles
to make a star.

Good job, sir.

Thanks. Yeah, I think
it turned out pretty good...

Oh, you walked away.
Mrs. Claus liked my cookie.

Twirl jump. Run real fast.

[grunts] Surf the train.

-[Louise] Pfft.
-Did you just "Pfft" me?

Yeah, that's right.
And here's another one. Pfft.

Like you could do it, Louise.

Uh, yeah, I could.

-Maybe don't--
-Twirl jump.

[Tina] Oh, you're doing it.

[pants] Run real fast.

-Surf the train.
-[train horn honking]

Oh, darn. Ride's over.
No more train stunts.

Exit to your right.
Happy holidays.

The train was slowing down.
Doesn't count.

Actually, I just talked
to my accountant,

and it does count.

My train stunt game is strong.

Your train stunt game
is stunted.

Oh, yeah?
How about a train stunt-off?

Oh. Or maybe not do that?
Did someone say "Cocoa Hut"?

You're on, moron.
What are we stunting for?

Winner gets the loser's
mistle-dough, all of it.

-Oh, my.
-Um,

but won't you spend
all your mistle-dough on the ride?

"Good point, Tina."

Watch this. One, please.

[conductor] All aboard
the Christmas Steamer.

One mistle-dough to ride.

[laughs] Fake dough drop.

See, Tina? Problem solved.
Come on, let's go.

I mean, maybe Christmas
isn't the time

to have a stupid showdown
with Logan.

Yeah. Christmas is for ham,
not beef.

-Know what I'm saying?
-Disagree. I think it's the best time.

You don't have to come.
How about I meet you at Cocoa Hut?

I'm not gonna just
leave you here to do train stunts.

Mom and Dad would never forgive me
if you fell under the wheels

of a miniature train
during holiday season.

And I can't go
get cocoa by myself.

I'm too adorable.
I'll get hit on like crazy.

-Ugh. Fine.
-Great. Paying my dough, sir.

-[Tina] One.
-[Gene] Keep the change. [laughs]

Nothing wrong here.
Everything aboveboard.

Choo-choo,
my good man. [chuckles]

Okay. So,
how are we gonna do this?

One of us does a stunt,

and then the other person
has to do it exactly the same,

or they lose their dignity
and all their mistle-dough.

Here's an idea for a stunt.

Who can sit still the longest?

Peter Pescadero
takes a pill for that.

I got one.
Check it, dweeblings.

High-five, Santa.

Side roll over the present.

And back on before the bridge.

Merry Stunt-mas.

Not bad, but not good.

Like what your mom said

-when you came out of her butt.
-Um...

But my mom rejoiced
when I came out of her butt.

So you gonna stunt that stunt
or did I just win already?

[Louise grumbles]

Oh, come on!

These sweet ugly trees
deserve a chance

to find good homes
just as much as the hotties

with the bodies
that you've got up front.

[sighs, turns off motor]

Look, I appreciate how much
you love these trees,

or let's say I do,

but the thing is,
I also want to stop talking to you

and get back
to what I was doing.

Does that make you feel
like we're done here,

I hope, maybe?

Oh, whatever.

[motor whirring]

I'm getting you guys
out of here. Come on.

Shh. Act casual.

I'll come back
for you other trees.

Don't look at me like that.
I will.

[Bob] I'm gonna call you
Frosting the Snowman.

Daddy, make mine
look like that man's.

Oh, uh,
I don't know how to...

Um, how do you make
your snowman look so good?

Mine looks like it has
big scary nipples.

I wouldn't say scary.

I think you just want them
to be up and down like buttons

and not next to each other
like nipples.

Got it.
You really know your stuff.

Yeah. You did it again.

You put them side by side.

Oh. Look at that. I did.

Yeah. Do you want me
to just do it for you?

I'm happy to...

-Please.
-Thank God.

In stunting position,
and... [grunts]

High-five Santa. Ah.

Hoo. Roll over
the present. [grunts]

[panting]

Back on before the bridge.

[catching breath]
That was easy.

-Pfft.
-Yeah, and your little shriek

sounded super-brave.

-Thank you.
-And now let's just enjoy the bridge.

We're like seven inches
above the valley floor.

Really puts things
in perspective, you know.

Okay, my turn to pick a stunt.

We have to jump up
onto that tunnel,

run across the top,
jump off the other side,

back onto the train.

-Nope. Nope. Nope.
-What?

Because I'll break
many of my little bones?

Probably right.
I'll think of something else.

How about making
a boom-boom in your diaper?

[Gene] Good luck.
I can never poop when I'm traveling.

Psst.

Psst.

Hi. That's a beautiful tree
you got your eye on there.

And lucky you,
because today it's buy one, get one free.

So you get to take home
two Christmas trees.

-Oh, uh...
-I know what you're thinking.

One's gonna be jealous
of the other and they're gonna fight,

and you'll be up all night
with fighting trees.

But once they get to know each other,
they can be friends.

Or maybe
even more than friends.

Who knows?
None of my business.

Sorry. Do you work here?

Kinda. Not really.

-Um, okay. No, thanks.
-But it's free.

-I'd like a free tree.
-You would?

That's great.

Yeah. I'm gonna use it
for firewood.

Get out! Get out of here!

Scoop some snow,
feed it to choir penguin

and back on the train! Whoo!

So just do that.

How about I do it like that,
but add grace and elegance.

Grace and Elegance.
I love that show.

Lily Tomlin is my hall pass!

Okay. Should we call it?
Me cocoa now?

-This guy's down for some hot brown.
-Me too, Louise.

Can we get off
this train, please?

Not that it hasn't been
really fun, and cold, and long.

Yeah, Louise, you should quit

and just admit I'm better
than you in every way.

Exit to your right.
Happy holidays.

Guys, I can't quit now.
I'm wearing Logan out.

He's tired. He's old.

I'm so close to winning this.

Just one more round, please.

As your Christmas
present to me.

Plus the real
Christmas presents you'll give me.

-Ugh. Fine. One more round.
-Thank you.

I'm numb
from the waist down, anyway.

What's a few more minutes
of not feeling my penis?

Saddle up, Logan.

One more round,
I take you down.

All right, then, Louise.

Guess I'll continue
to humiliate you

under these beautiful
winter stars.

Okay, bud, I'll hold Nebkin
while you're on the train, all right?

I want to keep Nebkin.

No, no, I'll keep him safe
with me and baby Mason.

Nebkin! I want Nebkin!

Okay. Here you go.
Easy, bud. You know best.

-You don't. You're four.
-Four and a half!

Okay. Okay.

All right, Logan,
ready to lose?

The only thing I'm gonna lose
is my inhibitions

when I go above and beyond

what I ever thought
I was capable of, son.

Oh, yeah?

Well, check this out,
buttcracker.

[grunts]

Under the gingerbread man,

over the polar bear,

through the trees,

jump off the rock.

Whoa-oh-oh. Yeah!

-[screams]
-Uh-oh.

Nebkin!

Oh, boy.

-What did you just do?
-[sobbing]

[conductor] Sounds like somebody
back there is excited to ride a train.

I get it. Whee.

[sobbing]

Nebkin.

[shushes] It's okay.
I'm gonna get him.

-Your "Knobling"?
-Nebkin!

God, Louise,
this was a train stunt-off.

Not a train destroy-the-Christmas
of-an-innocent-child-off.

-Shush!
-I mean, if it was that,

you would have won.

-Definitely would have won.
-Thank you!

-What's wrong, bud?
-[baby crying]

Oh, God, where's Nebkin?

-[bawling]
-Oh, God.

Uh, hi, yeah. We saw it.

It was just a crazy
freak accident.

No one to blame at all.
[chuckles nervously]

Guys, we gotta get
that stuffy back.

-[both] Uh-huh.
-Even if it takes all night.

[conductor] Okay, folks,
last ride before we close.

-Oh, God.
-[train horn honking]

Sir, conductor man,
can you please look

for my son's stuffed-animal
dog-shaped thing?

-Nebkin!
-It's called Nebkin.

We'll look
for your son's napkin.

Oh, no, no. "Nebkin."
It's Nebkin.

Yeah, and we're looking, too.

Uh, we'll bring it back
safe and sound.

But just in case, is it like
a super-important stuffy,

or kind of in the middle?

It's very important.
It's Grady's favorite stuffy.

He can't sleep without it.

Uh-huh. But like,
you could get another one

-if you had to.
-No.

Nebkin's the last thing
my dad gave Grady

-before he died.
-Okay.

-Got it.
-[Logan] Wow.

You took a toy from a child.

You're like the anti-Santa.

Are you trying to say Santana?

Ugh, Logan,
why are you still here?

I'm not a monster
like you, Louise.

I'm gonna rescue
that kid's stuffy,

and save the world
like little baby Jesus did.

No, I'm gonna save the stuffy.
I'm baby Jesus.

-I'm baby Jesus.
-[Tina] Stop it!

Christmas is not the time
to be talking about little baby Jesus!

[humming]

It's fine.

Now the Cocoa Cabin's
gonna have a Christmas tree.

Everybody wins.
You're welcome.

So pretty. Oh, my God,
it's on fire.

-[exclaiming] Ow.
-[sighs] Ma'am.

Okay, fine. We're leaving.
But we're taking the tinsel.

Okay, I won't take the tinsel,
but I want a cocoa.

One cocoa, please.
You are complicit.

So I knew I wanted to use
the peppermints as the ears,

but I was like,
how am I gonna do the fur?

And that's when I saw
the candy cane

that someone had smushed.

Candy cane splinters
in an interesting way,

and it kind of looks like fur.

-[all] Ooh.
-It does, it does.

So I guess what I'm saying is,
be bold.

Make the cookie your cookie.

That's what gives it meaning.

Um, excuse me, sir.

Please, I'm one of you.
Call me Bob.

Uh-huh, yeah.
Well, we're closing soon,

so could you maybe stop
what you're doing?

Uh, uh, okay.

Uh, can I just stay
near the heat lamp

until my family comes for me?

-Um...
-I have a family.

-They were here before.
-Of course they were.

Why would I lie?

Yup. No. Why would you?

I guess for the heat,
but... [stammers]

...but I have a family,

-I swear.
-Uh-huh.

All right,
coming up on Nebkin.

Maybe I'll use
that teddy bear's ice skate

to saw off a branch,

and use it to hook Nebkin
when we go by.

Oh, I have an idea.

Maybe you should saw off
a-- [mimics fart]

And use it to-- [mimics fart]

Saw this off. [mimics fart]

Ugh. I can't take it anymore.

As a wise woman
in red glasses once said,

Christmas is about loving
your neighbor.

Sally Jessy Raphael?

No. Mom. Look,

that stuffy
is way the hell up there.

You two are gonna have to
work together

if you're gonna
get even close to reaching it.

Logan, you have
to stand on your seat.

And, Louise,
you have to stand on Logan's shoulders.

And then Gene and I
will hold Logan's legs

to keep you guys steady, okay?

Ugh! I don't want
to stand on Logan.

My feet will probably catch
his shoulder warts.

I don't want your feet
on my shoulders.

You probably got fart feet.

As a matter of fact,
I do have fart feet.

Cut it the frick out!
Be enemies later.

-Fine. Whatever.
-Okay.

But what if we crash
into the tunnel?

I don't really want
to get my head chopped off.

That's where I'm gonna grow
my goatee someday.

Well, just grab Nebkin

and drop down before
your head gets chopped off.

Logan, stand up
and then crouch down.

-Confusing instructions already.
-Shush.

Gene and I are gonna get you in position.
Just do what I say.

Oh, mighty Santa,
please let them not die.

[both grunting]

Get up better.

Where are your shoulders?

Do you not know
what shoulders are?

I'm just gonna stand
on your neck.

[Logan groaning]
Oh. I just realized

it'll probably be your head
that gets chopped off. Cool.

Well, if it does, I hope
it bites you on the way down.

Guys, focus!

The train's going pretty slow,
so that's helpful.

[conductor] Okay, kids,
I always speed things up

for the last ride of the night
for a little extra fun,

but mostly to be done sooner.

-What?
-No!

-Here we go.
-No, conductor. Bad conductor.

-[horn honking]
-[all screaming]

[both] Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.

Okay, there's Nebkin.

Logan, get taller.

I've been trying to do that
since sixth grade.

[straining]
Engaging core muscles.

[groaning]

I don't know
if I can reach it!

[straining] Hurry. Hurry.

Got it! Crouch down,
crouch down!

Oof. [groans]

Louise! Are you alive?

[Gene] Or are you
just legs now?

It's okay.
We'll accept you either way.

[Louise] I'm alive.

Just hanging on a tunnel
with my very weak arms.

Um, so maybe
carefully lower yourself down?

Okay.

Four...

[Tina] Wait.
What are you doing?

I'm running!

[screaming]

Louise, no!

Don't do the tunnel thing!
Just do safety!

[grunts] My undercarriage.

Yes! [panting] I did it!

-Whoa.
-Holy crap.

-Damn.
-Nebkin, you're going home, pal.

Wow. You are just covered
in little-boy snot, aren't you?

Ugh. I'm sorry.
I failed you, trees.

May God have mercy
on your souls.

I just don't understand
why they have to smell like that.

You mean like a pine tree?

Ugh, Cynthia.

[Tom] Oh, I guess a hundred
million years of evolution must be wrong.

Tom, there are people
that don't like pine smell.

Yeah, they're called
sociopaths.

What about this one?

Uh, huh.

That one? Kind of sparse,

might not support
the weight of ornaments.

Also, I don't like
looking at it.

Well, I like the way
it doesn't smell.

I'm bonding with this one,

more than I'm bonding
with my husband right now, frankly.

All right, easy.

My girl wants
the ugliest tree,

my girl gets the ugliest tree.

-Aww.
-Love you, hon.

I think your mom was wrong.

We are gonna make it.

Oh, bye, tree.

Cynthia's awful,

but still better
than a wood chipper.

Maybe. Right?

[horn honks]

Okay, that's it
for tonight, folks.

Exit to your right.
Happy holidays.

[groaning]

-[sobbing]
-Okay, hold on, bud.

The train's back.

I'm gonna ask the train man
if he maybe--

-Here you go.
-Nebkin!

-Oh, thank God.
-Yeah, you're welcome.

-You did this.
-I did.

-I did.
-She did it.

You threw him into--

I brang him
back to you...

-She brought it back.
-...safely. That's right.

Hey! He's so sweet. Great age.

Merry Christmas.

Here, take my mistle-dough.

-You won.
-Yeah, I did.

This place usually blows,

but that was kind of
the most fun I ever had here.

Yeah, I guess I didn't have
the worst time of my life.

Aww. Look at you two.
Peace and goodwill.

Later, holi-dorks.
Hope your presents suck.

Bye. I hope a reindeer farts
in your face.

-Yep. Okay.
-Come on, guys.

Better hurry up and spend this
before the place closes.

Let's go blow our dough
and drink our dinner.

[Gene] Yeah.
These lips are ready for some sips, baby!

[Tina] Let's head on down
to Cocoa-mo.

The cookies you made
for Santa look very nice, Bob.

-Kids, thank your father.
-Thanks, Dad.

-Thanks, Papa.
-Thank you, my boy.

I'm not sure
I want Santa to eat them.

I kind of feel
like they should be put

behind glass in a museum.

Father, those cookies

are gonna get turned
into Santa poop

-whether you like it or not.
-[Bob] Mmm.

-What the...
-It's fine.

-Everyone in.
-Did a forest barf on our car?

Lin, what did you...

We can't have all these trees
in our apartment.

Sure, we can. Who wants a
Christmas tree in their room?

-Me!
-I do!

And that leaves one
for the kitchen and one for the bathroom.

You see, Bob, this is the exact right
amount of Christmas trees for us.

-I feel bad for the bathroom one.
-Oh, please.

These uggos gotta take
what they can get.

Just kidding.
You're beautiful.

♪ Your limbs are bare ♪

♪ But I don't care ♪

♪ You got
weird brown needles ♪

♪ Just everywhere ♪

♪ You're not shaped
like a triangle ♪

♪ You're shaped
like a really sad square ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ But no tree can be ugly ♪

♪ On Christmas ♪

♪ If there were mirrors
in the woods ♪

♪ Well, you would
have cracked them ♪

♪ You look a little bit
like a piney rectum ♪

♪ But no tree can be ugly ♪

♪ On Christmas ♪